Hey, good news. My dog problem has been solved.
Hello
(thinking) I can't believe I'm going out with this guy. Wow! He's so cool. Maybe he'll write a song about me. That would be amazing. Oh, Elaine, you are so beautiful. So, so beautiful. Not so mention your personality which is so, so, interesting. If you want, you can quit your job and never work again.
(awed) Oh, look at this!
Mr. Peterman sent me over here for a physical because as you may or may not know, he and I are going on a trip to Kenya. Africa. My first such mission for the company. The Massai bushmen wear these great sandals and we're gonna knock them off. Not the Massai, the sandals.
Uh, excuse me.
Hey.
So.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh?
No, they've just got to get more cops on the force, it's as simple as that.
Do you want some of mine?
You know it's bad enough you have a car phone, you have to use the speaker?
Bah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah, boo doo waaaah, waah, waaaah...
Do you ever spit on anybody from here?
Hmm!
Hey, do you believe I got Happy New Yeared today? It's February.
(to the phone) Well did he bring it up in the meeting?
She was hitting on you? My friend Noreen?
(claps her hands) That is the single greatest packing performance I have ever seen.
The back? They never find anything in the back. If they had anything good in the back, they'd put it out in the front.
I know. I need a lesson.
Yeah. What, is it a problem?
Is that the supermodel?
I'm really sorry George, I, I, I wasn't jealous of you. It was just the whole marriage thing.
Is that tomorrow?
Jerry, you have got to come see him. He is so terrific.
(Looking up from a menu) Yeah.
What do you got, a cucumber?
Ugh, the whole country's sick to their stomach.
I'm sorry, I got really busy. How long did you wait?
Robert Vaughn, The Helsinki Formula?
Where the cartoon candy's dancing and the Milk Dud's playing the banjo?
(Aggravated) George, I just got off a twenty-three hour plane ride. I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought.
Thank you. Ow!
Yeah, yeah.
How can you be hungry after what you ate at that Mets game?
Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?
Na.
Mm-hm. 
We don't walk that fast...
What do you think?
Whoa.
It isn't? 
(sniffing) Dandruff? 
Oh, I can't believe this. What a dope! uh..excuse me umm.. I'm sorry this is.. this is kind of embarrassing but.. there's no toilet paper over here 
Yeah, really great.
Oh, thank you! (They drink) Mmm, Oh, thank you, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it.
Yeah, uh, I'm looking for a Rollamech 1000 mechanical pencil.
(sarcastic) Don't worry, Jerry, I can manage these bags; really I'm fine.
No wait, I gotta go in here and pick up Mr. Pitt's tennis recquet.
I guess it was just a matter of time.
Well, there's this rabbi in my building. You've met him. Very nice man.
Oh, god. OH, I could use a few more hours sleep.
Yeah. What do you do all day?
(excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!
Right.
So? What'd they say?
Uhm, I just have a question.
Look, this is crazy, I can't go on like this.
Hey guess what? This window doesn't work.
No, not at all...
No. Do you ever think about it?
It's disgusting.
Yeah, I'm on the phone here.
Are you sure you're not just flattering yourself?
(laughs) Yeah, right, you're the master packer.
Oh. My ballet tickets.
Well, I guess he figured you just wouldn't care. It *has* been a few years.
I thought you had a show in Ithaca.
Shut up! Shut up! You stupid mutt.
Well, I admire you for joining the fight against AIDS.
Yeah. Right. (laughing) Like that really matters.
(flirtatious) Hi Jerry.
Is that good?
You're bringing in an ouside cucumber?
What is this, a 'bit'?
Five minutes? That's it?
Guess whose birthday's comin' up soon?
Yeah.
I just wanted to know what your idea of 'hot' is.
You should run for mayor.
Goodbye?
Uh, no, thanks.
Ok, what time is your job interview George?
Do you realize this is the last meal I am going to have for three days?
What's goin' on?
(Smiling, chewing) Who, me? 
Oh, could you please hurry?
Seriously, we don't.
Yeah, yeah like him, definitely like him. I like him a lot.
Get out! 
There's some kasha. 
yeah.. I I just forgot to check so if you could just spare me some.
You really oughtta do something about that cold.
No, I'm sure you do.
Can we rest here a second.
He wanted to have it restrung. (to clerk) Here I need to pick that up
'Coccoon II: The Return'. I guess they didn't like it up there.
Yea, yeah, yeah,. So I spoke to him about the dog. He went down. Talked to the owner. She agr4eed to keep the dog inside from now on.
I wish.
uh-uh.
(excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray! And it's the girl's model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little.
Oh, Come on.
What the hell were you thinking leaving my clubs in that car?!
(walks up to counter) Helloo? I'd like to buy these hirachis.
Todd.
I need some space.
Hey, I didn't get one either.
Gimme ten bucks and find out...
Look, I was nice enough to pick it up for you
Me too.
Really cold.
No thanks. (to the phone) Yeah, Yeah I'll hold.
We gotta see the new baby anyway, at least we'll get a weekend in the Hamptons out of it.
I cannot believe that she was hitting on you.
(raising her hand) 'Scuse me, master packer...
Hey, have you ever been to the ballet?
Oh, god.
Well, guess what I'm doing. I'm going to Mr. Pitt's, and I am telling him that I am quitting.
I don't mean to interrupt or anything, but on Sunday, my friend is having a brunch for the New York Marathon.
I don't know where the rabbi got that. Ya know I never said that. I said 'I've never seen you looser'.
Oh, yeah.
What d'you think Jerry? Jerry?
(clears throat) I was thinking, I mean, I'm not really doing that much this weekend, and I thought, well, huh, what the hell, maybe I'll come down there and hang out a little.
Hey, my God, look at that. (Jerry looks over at the table. A man and a woman are dining) David and Beth Lookner. (Leaning in for confidentiality) You know, I heard a rumor their marriage was a little rocky.
'Cos I'm not in the mood.
I could've! I mean, last week we waited for that friend of Kramer's for like, forty minutes.
Oh, right. I hope you have a good oral surgeon because that can be very serious. (Changes channel) Hey, look at naked people.
The sax player?
Bye.
(Shrugging it off) eh.
I am ready to skate up a-- ha, ha, ha...Why are you wearing that?
Where is someone? I'm starving.
Okay.
You know, there are 200 people who work in this office. Every day is somebody's special day.
Did you get a thank you wave?
(Matter-of-factly) They have to, it's in the Geneva Convention. 
[OC] Not only didn't you love her, you didn't even like her.
What? What have I become? I haven't 'become' anything...
(Yelling to Jerry in the bedroom) Hey Jerry, come on, let's go. We're gonna miss the previews!
Nothing, and I've looked.
You remember the date? 
Alright, let's go, come on. 
What? 
You know actually, I've got some work I gotta do, so...
I don't fool around, (banging on the table) baby!
Well, it's for my boss.
Oh, Hi.
Okay, what're we doing here? I have seen everything.
I know, I know. I'm sorry I'm late.
Yeah.
I know.
Really? Thank you., wake up service . . . person.
Hey.
One of those fabric wholesalers. This guy Todd Gack. I won a bet from him.
What kind of maniac is this guy?
No. Let me see that. (Takes the paper from Jerry) Don't-mess-with-Johnny.'
(shouts) HEY!!
No, he's not.
Oh, come on, Jerry. It was 9 to nothing. We were getting shellacked.
Hi Mr. Seinfeld! (hug)
This is what people do.
Yeah, worked out good.
It's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail anyway.
Hey, how are we gettin' to Scott Drake's party on Saturday night?
I don't know. What's your definition of scary cold?
Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolight?
That was two years ago, remember? 'Jeh-Ree, you gotta see the Bay-Bee! You gotta see the Bay-Bee!'
I will. Besides, she's got a boyfriend, Jerry, you know him. Dan. Remember, we went to that party at his house?
Mmm! She's got a new boyfriend: Paul.
Just gimme your keys.
You know, I'm going as a beard.
Oh, yeah. Right, right. Well, all those mechanics do is work all day with their hands and their *big*, *muscular* arms on machines, and then they come home dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski. What a huge turn-off that is.
I've had enough. I am marchin' in.
She lives right above First Avenue, says she has a perfect view of the race. And she said I can invite some friends.
New jeans?
Well, actually, he's - he's not that way at all.
What d'you think?
Well, it's just two hours by plane...
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I know that tone. This is a bit.
So, the longer you know someone, the shorter you wait for 'em.
Been a while?
Yeah.
I'm going to take a little stroll through the park.
A fur?
Is there a table ready?
I won't.
It's his birthday and it's his last day?
I don't know. How could I possibly have ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers?
You did.
I don't want to keep him waiting...
They put real blue berries in this. And there's real blue berries. What kind did you get?
Boy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't thrown up in eight years, I was wondering if he was normal. 
Yeah. You know we shouldn't have bowled that last game, I'm gonna be late. 
you can't spare it?? 
They were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate.
Was that Tim Whatley?
Yes, yes, the one I didn't get. (they giggle)
Oh, lovely.
I dropped a grape.
I'm not so sure he wants one.
(to the busboy) Oh, thanks very much, the soup was really good.
He's in.
Oh, all right, James. He he he
You mean in a real Fight Fight?
The Tonight Show?
He bet me Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars.
What am I supposed to tell Mr Peterman.
(Joking) Did you mess with Johnny, Jerry?
(tosses the hirachis onto the counter) Nothing. You, just lost a customer.
By marriage.
Jesus?
I thought you were hungry.
(Elaine turns to look at the man, trying to make it sound like they aren't talking about him) The thing about that painting.. is with the colors and um.. (Turns back to Jerry) Oh yeah, plugola.
I know.
Jerry, are you free on Friday?
Hi. 
What?
Over you?
Good workout?
In the office.
Yeah? 
(Laughing as she says it) What is that, ha?
(to the phone)Yeah. Oh! What? He is! Oh! that's fantastic! I'm so excited! Yes I'm excited, OK, OK I'll be in soon! yeah, yeah, I'm coming, I'm coming! OK bye. (Elaine jumps up and dances around) Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!
'Oooh, and that coffee table is saying, put some coffee on me!' I'd like to put some coffee on her. Hot, scalding coffee - right in her face! I swear! This is like working with a contestant from 'The Price Is Right'! (demonstrates a winner on 'The Price Is Right')
Elaine.
Yeah.
No, but... he has... The Worst Habit. Whenever he answers the phone, he won't put Noreen right on. Ya have'ta go through, like, ten minutes of chit-chat.
Hey, don't forget Sunday, okay? You and George are coming, right? Hotel Westbury, eight o'clock.
Yeah. This friend of a friend knows this banker guy, he's, I don't know, 30 years, unbelievably gorgeous, of course he's gay.
I'm marchin'. (Enter George)
Yeah, you do! He looks very busy!
Still a 31 waist?
Yeah. In fact, he....(moaning)
(laughs) I love it. I'm getting it.
Dammit! I got another call. Uh, hang on, don't hang up Jerry.
Hi, Mr Peterman.
Well, I have to admit, I've always thought David was kind of sponge-worthy. (Winks, making a clicking sound with her tongue)
(Showing fingernails) Toxic waste green.
(tired) Alright, are you done with your little amusement?
When did you tell George to be here?
I think my last time was in Rochester. My hair was a lot shorter.
So?
Yes, his name is Hal.
I hate this.
This place is like Studio 54 with a menorah.
A seemingly infinite supply.
How many?
So we took a little ride. What's the big deal?
All right, I'm gonna go.
Hey, have you ever fasted?
That's impossible...
Of course you do, it's an engagement party.
Let me test-taste that. (tastes Jerry's yogurt)
Yeah... (2 co-workers enter Elaine's office) Oh Jer, I gotta go. I gotta go. (she hangs up) 
well I don't need much, just 3 squares will do it 
They're signing the papers next week.
I have always had a big crush on Tim Whatley. Why can't he ask me out? (Punctuates this by shoving Jerry.)
Oh, I'm not very good.
What do you think their parents think?
Okay, so, now, is there anything else I need to know about this place?
I dropped a grape in the kitchen and it disappeared. I couldn't find it. I was, I was literally on my knees for ten minutes looking for this stupid grape. I have no idea where it went.
What?
What's to discuss?
What kind of shopping?
Yeah, I've never seen him but I feel like we have this weirdly intimate relationship. I mean, I'm lying in bed, I'm wearing my nightie,
Hey.
George.
Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry.
Yeah?
Are you doing new material?
That's what I said.
Why couldn't you take better care of that car?!
Hey, where's Kramer?
Ow! Careful, it's hot.
(entering Monk's with her boyfriend) Oh, um... Darryl. These are... people I know. Jerry, George.
I hate the good ones.
Ah, God, I bumped into Robin Sandusky today, she asked me to have dinner with her and her husband.
Get out of here! Why?
That's a pretty girl.
Yeah.
Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book, and I'm working on it! Lippman and I are gonna go to the airport on Thursday and pick him up in a limousine!
Yeah, it's funny, I dunno.
It's just Elaine, like Cher. Ha ha ha
Yeah! And he is so boring! But now, whenever he answers the phone: I just hang up.
No, no This is all wrong. Where's the Chicken Cashew?
What? What, you don't want to go now?
So anyway his boss has a box at the Met and he invited us to see Swan Lake, which is fine, but he's afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, so I'm going along as his date.
Lena Small?
I don't wanna!
Ah! So he knew that you were making it up.!
I do.
Yeah, me too. Well, I've been waiting out two or three marriages, but this is the one I really had my eye on.
You know, revulsion has now become a valid form of attraction.
It was okay, but move the 'medication for the well' to the front, and hit the word 'good' harder.
About five.
What?
HE's not gonna eat them. He's buying 'em for his Pepsi girlfriend.
It's the next best thing to being alone.
Oh, pardon me for trying to set you up with a beautiful, intelligent woman.
No, I don't want this anymore.
Hey!
Oh.. (sees a guy looking at her) I got denim vest checking me out. (laughs) Fake phone number's coming out tonight.
9:30
I got him a two-line phone.
Hey boys!
What air conditioner?
Hmm! Rico!
Oh, yeah? 
We started to talk, and I told him that I jog, and then he put his hand on my heart. 
3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares?? 
Yeah, they'll definitely do it now.
Why?
Really? Grace?
Y'know what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamela's birthday.
Okay, this is quite a place.
No, I'm just getting over an allergy attack. This guy I'm going out with...
Yeah, why? Wouldn't he want the soup to be good?
Is he happy?
Where are you going?
What? You're going to go out with my cousin Holly. You've never met her.
(laughs)
Hi Sheila.
(impatient) Okay, George, I am on the other line. I promise you, I'll get you her number.
I don't think so.
Yeah.
Mr Peterman, uh... There seems to be a bit of a snag.
OK.
Watch out for that maroon Golf.
That's a good question, I think he thinks he is.
You gotta follow that car!
Yeah...
Hi!
She's the one you went out with last night?
So, I was sitting at the reception desk, I was looking pretty hot. I was wearing my sling back pumps.
Oh! (pushing Jerry) Do you know what this means, it's like working with Tolstoy!
Well, I don't know about 'gold.'
Oh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending a weekend together?
Uh, aw, KL5-239O.
I didn't order any of this. I'm not paying for this.
No, Jerry, you have to. I need a buffer. You know, I haven't seen my father in a while and... you know...
Swan Lake, at the Met.
I'm marchin' in.
George fights dirty. (she sips her coffee)
Oh, you're not gonna cop a girl's phone number off an AIDS charity list!
(sighs) Well, actually, he, um, doesn't really like to do... everything.
Hey!
That's ridiculous. Why do do you want to go back there if you don't want the coat?
The pygmy pullover.
Oh, (Laughs at George's misfortune) that's mine.
I had 'em done for the big Peterman bash I'm throwin'.
So, your firm designed all the furniture in here?
What was that look?
He's a musician.
I don't want to talk ab-ow!-t it! (She winces under the pain from her nose on the word 'about')
Mm-hmm.
He was struttin' around the coffee shop like Stein Erickson.
All right, pile it on.
Why did they hire you for a rodeo?
What do you do?
Yeah, they flip a coin.
(Making a face of surprise) You mean..?! 
I've been *dying* to see ``CheckMate''.
Good. Okay, well, it's all set. I start tomorrow.
I *love* the Drake.
Joel... 
Jerry, the man is a doctor. 
oh is it two-ply? cause it it's two-ply I'll take one ply, one ply, one puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply 
Hey, you can't even turn around in that thing.
Yeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking about moving in together.
Oh, yeah, it is! Shall we say hello?
Uh, no. Not really.
Yeah, you met her when we were going out.
Robert. Yes. Thank you. He has two cats and I'm allergic to them. You know, I finally meet a normal man, and I can't even go into his apartment, you know. And, of course, my apartment is the actor's studio so we can't go there. It's really causing a lot of problems, you know. He won't even go away for the weekend because of these cats.
Hey, isn't that Alec Berg?
Oh that's a nice store.
At least I've spoken to my guy. You're going out on a deaf date.
No. I'm completely blocked! In fact, I'm gonna work on it tonight. Oh. Oh no! Oh, I can't! I got that marathon runner coming in tonight.
Goodbye.
What?
It seems that a psychotic mechanic has absconded with my friend's car.
Difficult? 
You are kidding.
Hey
Uh, I think his answering machine's broken, so I just gave up. Well, what do you think?
You know, maybe you need somebody between good and mediocre.
You can't let him get away with that!
(intercom) it?s me!
So what happened?
You know, uh...they're fake.
His place...
Ask your mother, (making fun of George's living situation) you live with her now, don't you? Anyway, so then this guy comes up to me and starts feeling my jacket through his thumb and his forefinger like this.
(offering her yogurt to George) You want to taste mine?
'I want you to have this job, of course the Board of Directors is under indictment and will be serving time.' 
... (looking at Jerry for a second then, mockingly nods her head back and forth) ....Ha ha ha ha.
'Baby'? What, are you doing George now?
When's Rachel comin' out?
Okay, (to Jerry)  Move  along. . .
Ohhh!
What list?
I'll eat out.
So, that's why we're not together anymore.
Hey, is George still wearing that toupee?
You're a taking person.
Yeah. It's surprising.
(smiling and flirty) Hi.
But you were!!
Whatever.
Well, my friend, Elise, lent it to me for the week. She's out of town.
I drive my people hard, and then I reward them.
(as if she knows) Oh, Farbman.
The look you just gave me.
She stopped performing.
She.. was.
(sitting down in the booth) 'Kay.
(Holds onto Jerry's arm) No, please! Denim vest! He's smoothing it! Jerry! God! (Jerry excapes Elaine's grasp, moves over to the woman. The man wearing a denim vest moves over to Elaine.)
Eh, anti-fur. I mean, who has the energy anymore? This is more about hanging off the arm of an idiot.
How many?
Didn't he throw you off a bus in the middle of Alabama or--
(Slightly embarrassed) Yes, a guy.
So tell me more about this game SIX.
``Ponce de Leon'', are you kidding me? I hated that movie!
What, the one who just left?
Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy that...
I signed up to do volunteer work with senior citizens.
Uh... (clears her throat) Rifkin. 
Not any more. Come on, get your ball, we're leaving. Let's go, let's go. 
So, it's the same thing. 
No no, no no, don't don't, I beg you 
Hey George, can you feel this? Can you ...
Hello, darling.
That man he's with: is he wearing a cape?
Hey, what's going on?
You have no idea who I'm talking about, do you?
I can't stand him, he is so pretentious.
Ah, . . .
You know, this guy Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul... I met him when I was working at Pendant, editing a book on running...
Okay. We ready to go?
So what are your parents doing here in new York?
They happened to be in the back seat at the time.
Well it's, it's..... You know I noticed that somebody wrote in my chart that I was difficult in January of 92 and I have to tell you that I remember that appointment exactly. You see this nurse asked me to put a gown on but it was a mole on my shoulder and I specifically wore a tank top so I wouldn't have to put a gown on. You know there made of paper. 
I think what he's trying to say is that he's having a heart attack.
Oh, yeah, that's right. Those new kitchen cabinets. How is that coming?
What black guy?
It is the forced socializing. I mean, just because we work in the same office, why do we have to act like we're friends?
What are you, yellow?
Hey, how we doin' on time?
Nah! They're fake!
*And* he gets the rest of my chicken...
'Who's the Drake'?
I said: 'So, what do you think?'. And he said, 'Gabardine?'. And I said, 'Yeah.' That was it.
First the sucking then the weaning.
No, I don't.
But it's a line from that song!
Well, I don't know, don't ask me any more questions about jokes, Jerry, it just puts too much pressure on me.
Her father is so religious, I'm just amazed that he's letting you see her again after that Schindler's List make-out session.
I think he's got ideas.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU! Well, I guess we'll just go out.
Newman plays tennis?
Vanessa.
Doesn't he know how ridiculous he looks in that thing?
This is it. Wish me luck.
So. Listen ... You're not doing anything tomorrow, are you? Because I have an extra ticket to the historical clothing exhibit at the Met.
She's gonna ask how you got her number.
No. No, it doesn't bother me. I mean, it would be nice. I'm not gonna lie to you and say it wouldn't be nice.
So, what d'you think?
Oh. (pleasant surprise) Oh yeah, I'd be happy to. Uhm, how much d'you want this thing? (smilingly) I mean, you know, how high are you willing to go?
Exactly.
Mm, love Farbman.
Yes.
What's that?
I can't breath...I'm sorry...(Elaine wakes up) You're killing me!
His apartment was being fumigated, so we thought we'd give it another shot.
We never dated in winter.
Maybe.. All over your face!
You know, Kenny Rogers has a-
Seattle.
ooooh ahhh
Oh, <come on>. That Fountain of Youth scene at the end, where they're all splashin' around, and then they go running over to the mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on! [laughing too hard to continue] That's stupid!
Yeah, well, I guess it's all over.
[Proudly] Really?
Yeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel! I mean, I feel *so* *good*! I *really* feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I haven't even met the woman yet.
I thought you hated air conditioning. You've never had an air conditioner.
Why don't you go ahead and call him? 
Yeah. It's just a coincidence obviously. 
Really? 
Oh listen we should stop off on the way and get a bottle of wine or something.
Why is Mr. Costanza with a man in a cape?
New couch? Why?
A LeBaron?
Blonde hair, remember? Glasses? (pause) Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?
Try it on.
No, Alec Berg.
Yeah, that's him.
Boy, I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger.
So what are their plans?
What house guest?
But it was in pen. You fake erase. 
Oh. (laughs) Ha-ha. Hey. Yeah, yeah. (indicating shelf) This Vincent guy, he is the best. He and I have the exact same taste in movies.
Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen the Omen right?
(Banging the wall) Turn your alarm off!! (Screams)
He is?
I had to take a sick day. I'm so sick of these people. By the way, I talked to Lisi, and tomorrow night's good for her.
Why did you get a maid?
Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
Jerry, if you don't follow him, you're yella.
Hey! Wait up!
Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader?
I can tell. You know how you're always bragging how you can spot a lesbian?
You never know...
So listen, what are you gonna get him?
Yeah...Jake Jarmel.
All right, let's just forget it.
Really?
Yeah, who's he?
Who's Kristin?
Ned must have left it here.
Wow, this is soft suede.
Oh, come on.
Uh hu.
George?
What's he look like?
Exactly.
(disappointed) Oh.
Wow.
(Overly generous) Hi, David!
Yeah.
Wuh, if you call that living. (laughs) Ahaha.
I know that look.
What exactly was that kid?
Well, I'm sure it's stupid. It's not about me, is it?
So guess who called me last night? Jason Hanke.
Nice vest. I like the.. big metal buttons
Oh, I walked by Bloomingdale's the other day, and I saw that massage chair we want to get Joe Mayo as an apartment gift.
Let's go someplace else, I am too hungry.
Oooh, you're getting an air conditioner for Amy. (In a wining voice:) Amy doesn't like the temperature up here. She's a little hoooot.
Must wean.
Very funny. That's very funny. 
hey 
Just call me when the new pen comes in, okay?
Yeah, why a cape? Who wears a cape? Where do you even get a cape?
Hello.
Uh, no ... take it.
Right! In fact... No, never mind...
Hi.
(balancing a spoon on her nose) Hey, why don't you take her to that place in Vermont I was telling you about? You know, that really charming place with the separate faucets for the hot and cold. She'll love it.
Hi!
Yeah, he's Trinidadian and...Tobagan. (laughs)
What soup place?
You mean the three of them in that tiny apartment?
I'll see you later.
What are you writing? Doctor. 
Wouldn't it be great if Farbman designed shoes?
Gene? Oh, it's so stupid and mainstream.
You know, maybe Kramer is right, some people should just give up . I have.
Yeah, you're better off sitting around here, reading comic books, and eating spaghetti at two in the morning..
Where did you get her?
Oh, all right.
(To Jerry) You tell him.
Well it's only been three days, I'm sure he's gonna call.
Who?
Jerry, George, what are you doing here?
Yeah.
What? What? I can't hear you. Jerry?
No, wait!
All time.
Well, they say all it is is that you go over to their apartment and, I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and it's supposed to make them feel good.
Oh, right. C'mon, don't you think they seem a bit too perfect?
(impatient) Come on! 
These people invited us for dinner. We have to bring something.
Oh, you want one?
HE reads everything, you know, Ned's very well read.
There's nobody I can go with.
You're buying a speedboat?
Well, if you need that ride, just uhm, gimme a call. (little laugh) Heh. I can meet you at the gate, Jer.
Oh, hi, Frank.
Who is he?
Uh huh.
Brett? Don't you think that would be great?
Why should I tell you?
It was an accident!
He called to apologize for standing me up five years ago.
Why don't I give you my phone number?
You think?
Hi, I'm miserable. (They both laugh)
I don't like to talk during a massage.
Hi,
Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of *course* I smell something.
So what? That's easy.
All right. Well that's enough of that. That's enough. 
what? 
Hi.
Oh, let me get the door for you. (They carry the couch out the door.) Ooh, be careful!
Heyyyyyy (leaning in, very friendly and happy)
Um, I could come by your office and pick it up tomorrow.
Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some bar for her birthday, but... (Jerry turns in disgust) you don't want to go to... that... no.
No, I'm staying here for the weekend. I'm getting a break from my roommate.
Hi.
(shocked) Oh my God.
You look ridiculous in that thing.
I think she'd figure it out.
Ah, I know. I know...!
You know what. I don't have one female friend left.
Brett?
(reading) 'The Other Side Of Darkness'. Huh, I never heard of that one.
Oh! These designs look great! Peggy, you really saved me.
Well I don't care. It was delicious.
Tell me!
I don't remember, but it certainly wasn't this. Look at this cartoon in the New Yorker, I don't get this.
Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.
Your old high school hangout? Why?
Ed.
If only.
*gasp* My god! My watch! You found my watch! (pushing Jerry)
Well, at least you're not bitter.
I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle?
I never knew you were so into breasts. I thought you were a leg man.
I'm having people over. 
Because it's rude, otherwise.
I'll get it. (Reaches in her bag for money.)
Hey hey
Jon Voight? The actor?
Communist? Don't you think he probably would have told me?
What? What is this?
Stunned by soup?
I don't know about that.
(urgent) Jerry? Jerry?
(Trying to come up with an excuse not to sit with them) Actually, I gotta get to the.. uh.. thing.
What is a wig master?
Look. Kevin. I really like you, heh, heh, uh. But, um, maybe we'd be, better off just being.. friends. (takes a bite of her sandwich)
Yeah.
Trust me. I know the look. (Pause) So...
Wanna sit down?
No, no, no! It was years ago - before you met him. And, and I - I got to tell you.. it was very mechanical.
A.A. It's one of the Twelve Steps. Step number Nine is you have to apologize to anyone you've ever wronged.
Oh, yeah. What's that called?
Kramer, do me a favour will ya'. If you insist o making pasta in my apartment please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta while it's in the strainer. All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them.
Isn't it going the other way?
Yeah, you want five?
Dana Folley.
You can get a hot dog in the theater.
Last time I had lunch with you here. You were going *on* and *on* and *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak English.
I think it's B.O.!
Hi! Hey, have you gotten your present yet for the Drake?
(she's upset, gets up and yells) OK look this is my boyfriend we're talking about OK? And he's a gentlemen, he's good looking, he's a good shaver and he hasn't thrown up in eigth years so just shut up about him! Shut up! 
you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom 
What is this your mail? (She takes a magazine and starts flipping through it)
Yeah, how about her?
What are you doing with your old couch?
Thanks
What little deal?
No, the waitress-actress. She just got some part in some dinner theater production of 'A Chorus Line'. So, now all day long she's walking around the apartment singing, 'God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it!' She's gonna get it right in her...
You're getting what?
Hey, what are you doing?
You have no idea.
Well I think they might have sutured that thing to your brain.
Yeah, well, he was pretty devastated. This is his first race in 3 years.
Thank you.
Huh?
(leaving with the drawings) Mr. Peterman is gonna love 'em.
...and then Peterman ate it. I never told him.
Yeah.
I can't stand Joe Mayo's parties. You know, the second you walk in, he's got you workin' for him. 'Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you keep an eye on the ice, make sure we have enough?' Uh...
And you're on the fringe of the humor business.
Nelson.
So, you think that Puddy actually believes in something?
..We shared an interpersonal experience. (George hits his glass with his fork. To Jerry) Go on.
Oh! I forgot to tell you--
What's so funny
Hey, when you walk him, do ya...
Where did you find it?
Aren't you too young to be bitter?
I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree.
No.
Hey, that's Barry. Look it's Barry. (taps on the window)
Good for you.
The whole city is talking about this monster Joel Rifkin, and I am dating a Joel Rifkin. 
The girls for poker night. You know, Joanne, Renee, Winona... 
Yes.
Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
Jerry!
That sounds urgent...
Yes, . . . yes he does dress a little drab.
Where've you been? We're gonna miss the movie, let's go.
Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit? What are you turning into?
Huh. All right. Come on.
Well...
(breathy) Bye.
(Giving up) Okay.. (Sits, George laughs) So.. (Trying to think up something to talk about) Frank, did George ever show you that photo?
Well. I mean. (distracted by the food) Oh, god. This tuna tastes like an old sponge.
(gets Kramer's point) Hah.
What about the look?
Really?
Who's that?
(To Jerry and George) Idiots! This is all your fault!
But it's Saturday.
You're giving him *ten* dollars?
Kramer, Jerry is going to be here any second, and then this line is going to start moving, and we're going to end up in the front row.
Y'know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean you should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already.
It's B.O. The *valet* must have had B.O.
What? 
3 squares!! that's all I was asking for! 3 squares! 
Oh! Your Alumni Magazine.
Yeah, she's a package full of something.
Yeah, I'll take it.
I went to England ... with Mr. Pitt, for 5 days.
What could I do? She said there might be something for me at Doubleday. Oh wouldn't that be great I wouldn't have to work for Mr. Pitt anymore.
A wedding? Have you lost it, man?
She's on the lease! George you have got to find another place for me.
Oh no. No. I don't want to sit in the back. I'll be left out of the conversation.
No idea.
Mr. Pitt, I have something to tell you.
Well, that's all that counts, I guess.
What responsibility? I don't have any responsibility.
George, I just don't want you interfering.
You won't believe this but, as I'm leaving, she calls me 'Susie.'
How is it talking?
Yeah...
Hey! George look at this.
You mean lying to your uncle?
Yes, he is lazy.
On some people.
Oh, okay, go ahead.
Uh, it's a riot Alice.
Do you pick it up?
And you stopped by just to give it to me?
Don't worry, your bitterness is safe with me.
Hi!
(Wide-eyed) So, she fell? 
Yeah, she's terrific. Why? You thinking of going?
Yup.
I don't want to see her naked.
Hi.
Did you give him the room number?
All right, we should get going. But, I'm going to get a little bit more, okay?
Yeah. I just wish he has a different name. 
Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin guy. 
Hey, just because I'm not working doesn't mean I haven't got any money. (To vendor) Yo! Dogs! Two!
Hi.
(dialing the phone) You know what I'm doing? I'm calling Noreen.
Donna Chang?
Ok, So Barney's is having this huge sale. I try this dress on -- (holds the garment bag out towards Jerry) -- Stunning. Stunning. I couldn't take my eyes off myself.
What guy?
Why? What happens if you don't order right?
Very much.
You know, the photo I took in Tuscany of the little man in front of the sign that said 'Costanza'?
Well, that's...that's sweet.
He's not a jerk, Jer. He only works with Karl Farbman.
You got something on your mind?
Oh those places have the stupidest names. Like, uh, 'Back in ', or 'Good Vertibrations'.
So what? When someone turns twenty-one, they usually get drunk the first night.
I don't know what I'm gonna do. She asked me to give her a baby shower.
What neck hole?
Come on, Jerry. You didn't notice?
That's a pretty big tip...
No! I don't want to save seats. Don't put me through that! I once had the fleece just ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving incident!
No they don't.
Jerry. It's *B*.*O*.
I'm lukewarm about the Drakette.
You don't have an old pair?
I was begging her 'please! please!' she was insane 
Oh, pleeeeease. (moves to the living room and sits down)
Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
Yes, they can. (Kramer enters.)
Actually it was great. I met an Englishman, and we really, hit it off.
They're coming in?
Yes, I will, George. I'll have to stick my chin on top of the seat.
There is no park and the team has relocated.
Mr. Pitt...
Oh, nothin'.
Eh...he'll get up...
Hey, Jer. Are you going to this Bob Sacamano party?
What am I, a--a bulimic, chain-smoking, stenographer from Staten Island?
Yeah, I'd like to place an order.
Oh I gotta start taking these 'stupid' warnings more seriously.
I know, I'm glad I got to see him before he hit puberty and got, you know all lurchy and awkward.
You got it?
I think it's OK.
Yes, he is dumb.
Any other time.
You pick it up?!?
What's the matter?
I though I'd never find it.
No, I guess you couldn't have.. 
Tia? Who's that?
[To Jerry] What about you?
Well, that's your problem.
Oh, that's O.K. I don't have much time though. So...
(annoyed) Uh, you are kidding me. How am I supposed to get to this meeting? 
You can't ask a person to change their name. 
I'll put in a good word for you. 
What's that? (points at some foil on the table)
Ya can't bring Pepsi. (Elaine starts putting on her coat and gloves)
You sure you don't mind?
Isn't that a little racist?
I've never even seen him in a car. I mean, look at his movies. No cars. Deliverance - canoe. Midnight Cowboy - boots. Runaway Train...runaway train. (Kramer enters.)
OK, so then I put it on at home. It looks like I'm carrying twins.
Where's Lois?
Six. But then the night doorman comes on. He's much scarier. (scary noise) Whugh! (laughs) Ha-ha.
I know I know. I didn't have change for the bus and they don't give change in this city. So they threw me off the bus
Hi, Judy.
What?
Haven't been in the lab yet. But I am birth control shopping today. (Kramer overhears as he returns to the booth.)
I didn't talk to anyone - I was just walking by, and I saw the sign, and I thought George might get a kick out of it.
(dismissive) I dunno, some designer. Anyway, Brett is so generous, and sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song.
Things occur to me from time to time.
Tell that to my father. Anyway, guess what? Beth Lookner called me.
Better call the zoo.
anyone else, never. But, Leslie - I have a problem saying no to. For some reason, I seem to want her approval.
Mmm. De-lish.
Jerry, get menus so when we sit down we can order right away.
Oh.
It was just gonna be a weekend, but then somehow it became a week.
What happened?
So what'd you do last night?
You got the tickets right?
They don't get that much.
No, George, this is the ticket-<holders> line.
Nooo.
So?
Go talk to her.
Oh, mine's 'Ike'.
Bye
Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave?
Why can't you sit in the middle?
Oh man, that is a beautiful jacket, though.
What?
Well, what do you want me to do?
 Oh, great.  It's the bra-less wonder. Who does she think she's kidding?  Look at her, she's totally out of control.
Oh, hey, you know...I had a piece of whitefish over at Barney Greengrass the other day...
What? You're kidding, I just got this invitation today. Oh, I was so excited. It's really a beautiful invitation.
Someone I know.
This Supreme Flounder, it says first time served in America. Is that true?
Alright, I have had it with those Mayans.
My Puddy? But we broke up.
Tomorrow evening, sure.
Come on, We're two intelligent people here. We can figure this out. Now we got a dog and a cat in an office.
Dumb and lazy, I understand.
And ... I could really live without the tribal music ... and the make out sessions in the living room
Oh, boy would I love to see that.
No. Today's *your* lucky day.
(Finishing it off) ..done that. 
She sent you a Christmas card?
Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you.
Jerry, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna go in there and spy on her in the sauna?
That was two months ago.
Oh, he doesn't handle my money, he handles Jerry's money. He just does my taxes.
Oh forget it, I hate those. Everytime I take one, the driver will *not* stop talking to me. No matter how disinterested I seem he just keeps yakking away. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Why does everything always have to have a social componant? Now a stage coach, that would have been a good situation for me. Cause I'm in the coach, and the driver is way up there on the stage. 
Would you change yours? 
Because we're adults?
Ooh, I gotta check my machine. I'm waiting to hear about an interview. Doubleday is looking for somebody to replace Jackie Onassis.
Yeah well Jerome, I, happen to be flying him in on my frequent flyer miles.
Yeah exactly. Anyway I've got to go over there and return it.
(unhappy) I...
How long do you think this will take. I have a millllioooon things to do.
Fine. (laughs)
Uh, Kramer...
Who is that?
(to JERRY) Remember I was telling you about Gillian, my friend who writes for the L.L. Bean catalogue? I really think you should give her a call.
Desperado.
No, of course not.
What are you talking about? That marriage ended six months ago. She's already remarried.
What?
Delish. You know, short for delicious.
Uh-huh. News woman. Yeah.
Oh, wasn't that terrible?
Went out with Cynthia.
Yeah, I'll come by after work. Hey, I got a rubber pencil thing happenin' here.. (Sandra passes her doorway) Uh, I gotta go. I gotta go. (Hangs up) Sandra! Sandra? Hi, can you come here for a second?
What? That?s why I came all the way over here.
We can't ask him...
Then how come we're not moving?
Hear what?
I can't believe you ski!
Hey, you know what, maybe we should all chip in for the gift.
George, those are prescription goggles? What is there to see in a health club pool?
hmm where is Jerry sitting? he's supposed to be here tonight with his new girlfriend I'm dying to see what she looks like 
Who wouldn't taste a pie? 
Hi, it's Elaine. Listen, I was just talking to Jerry.
Have you noticed she never laughs
Why does he do that?
You're afraid to sit next to a man. You're a little homophobic, aren't ya?
Well, it's just a lining. You can always have it changed.
(Flattered) Mr. Pitt...
...Well, I don't.
Yeah, ha ha ha.  What have you been up to?
I really like the city.
George!
Wait a minute; this postmark is three weeks old. Man, this happens all the time. (Into intercom) Jeanine? Who the hell runs the mailroom?
Mono? Huh, well, if anyone needs any medical advise, Elaine met a doctor. And he's unattached.
I'd rather not say.
Forty-seven.
(unfolding chair) You know that store, Putumayo? (sits) I was trying to buy these hirachis, right, and the saleswoman just completely ignored me.
Do I know anyone??
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Why?
The cat is saying ' I've enjoyed reading your E-mail'.
Everything's gotta be just so with you, doesn't it?
How?
What are you doing? What is all this?
Maybe you should call the airline, they might know where he is.
You want to work here?
(Between chuckles) How is she? 
But a few more dates and you can find out for yourself!
Russell, you are the president of NBC. You can have any woman you want. (picks up the bowl of munchies on the table)
Yea, I guess that could work. 
Hey, how many people did Rifkin strangle? Eighteen? 
Why? 
Yeah, she was an editor.
He's on with a Chinese woman.
It's an open ended ticket. He can return any time he wants.
I like coffee.
All right I'll try it on again. You tell me what you think. (she turns and goes into the bedroom to change clothes)
I'd do it but I don't have any money.
(accepting) Okay, okay.
Thank you very much.
What?, uh?
Yeah.
What?
Did you hear that? He said, 'nice to meet you.'
George's Susan?
The sponge, o.k.? The Today sponge.
Georgie, how come your parents never moved to Florida?
Uh huh.
Where is this guy?! (Checks her watch) I hate this! (Sighs) I shoulda brought something to read.. (Picks up a sugar packet) 'Cancer in labratory animals'.. huh.
Thirty-seven.
Anyway, Beth and her new husband Arnie have listed me a reference for an adoption agency. They're trying to get a baby. (Kramer and Mickey enter wearing the same shirt)
Hey.
I'm doing great.
Oh, would you two stop with the Kennedys? Why does everybody make such a big deal about he Kennedys? What is this fascination?! Who cares?! It's all so boring..
Yeah.
Right, right. I mean, if I was getting the chair, I'd go for something... hot and spicy, you know... Thai, maybe Mexican. Lethal injection, feels like pasta... you know, painless, don't want anything too heavy...
Is he black?
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who is the Lopper?
(Joking, she snobbishly says) I'm never eating here again.
Well, you know, the usual; The Federal Reserve, the rainforest. Cynthia thought we should nuke the rainforest, you know, get rid of it in one fell swoop so we can at least eliminate it as a subject of conversation. What about you?
It's me!
Oh, I was gonna surprise Joey with them, you got an extra one right?
Jerry, we don't have time for this...
Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too.
Yeah? What else?
Hey, a pretty good idea, huh?
Dump her. 
Oh yeah, she's a great laugher, Jerry. (imitates Toby) Really, really great!
Ah, no.
Jerry Seinfeld.
Who's he?
Yeah
A wedding?
Hello, Jerry.
(from a distance) Hey.
Oh no no, Mr. Pitt, you mustn't. You have to check with the pharmacy before you combine anything with your heart medicine,
Oh, what? You think I wanna marry George?
I see.
So, you weren't born here?
Hi Jerry!
Uh, it was in the Hamptons.
(dry) I put her stats on the back.
Alright, send him up here.
No, it's not debunked, it's totally bunk.
(to say hello) Mmm! What's in the bag?
Uh, that's it.
No, no, not Putumayo.
It's like she's carrying invisible suitcases.
Well, it's funny. I mean, you have a big head. Or is it 'cause of your neck?
It's a page number.
Health cookies. I hate those little dustboard fructose things.
She doesn't want to hear that, that was stupid.
O, your being auditted? What for?
(looking by the window) Ooh, you have a lake?
No, milk.
Yeah one of the readers left and there's a job opening. Dick, this is Jerry and this is George.
(Still laughing) Ok, I'm sorry. 
... date with Fred.
What's his problem?
God I hate these mixtures. Why don't they just put pretzels on the table. Even peanuts would be good, but I don't know how eats these cheesy things (she does).
Latvian Orthodox? (gasps) Mmm, it is lobster. 
Yeah. Can you hold my seat? (Elaine gets up.)
You got a comfort problem there?
Hey George
You oughta at least take a look at it.
(whispering) She's not... and the guy just took off. (makes a sad face) Don't say anything to anybody.
So? We've met before. At Katie Ash's party, we talked for like ten minutes.
Yeah. Why not Susan. I should be friends with Susan. (smacks her forehead with hand) Of course! Susan! Oh! OK, I'll see you guys. Huh. (rushes out the door.)
Off the market? The sponge? No, no...no way. Everybody loves the sponge.
(whispers) Poor bastard.
Yeah?
Hey! Look who's here! Hey Kurt, this is Jerry, and George, and Kramer.
We know the terrain.
Where's Jerry?
(To Jerry) I do have one teeny little problem, though.
(To Sue Ellen) See? See the way they are?! We're - we're still best friends, right?
Hey!
Oh, sure! Why don't you give me your number?
No, course not. I mean, I'd just like to know.
I don't know how anyone does this. It must be *so* nerve racking... How do they warm up their fingers?
I know, Cynthia too. She's really given up.
And you get along well with women.
[delightedly] Oh! You 'pillage and plunder'?
Hi, what are you doing on this neighborhood?
What butcher? 
You know Joel and I have an extra ticket to the Giants game. 
(piffling) I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie. 
No, no. How about if you bring me back something?
You mean like like?
Uh uh
All right, what the hell.
Televising opera?
Did you get a haircut?
We don't want anything to happen to you Mr. Pitt. We want you to live a long, long time.
Who?
Oh, please! That is the last thing that I want.
Oh Tomorrow...?  
(looking up to the salesman)
No, no, that's okay, it's uh...
I'm gonna do a little firing.
Uh huh.
What do you think of the catalog?</font>
Seventy-eight, West Eighty-sixth Street. Apartment three E.
Hmm, turn around. (They turn around) Both so striking.
Yes, exactly.
What?
(passing him the ketchup) Oh, sure.
Aahh! this has got to be a mistake.
What?
Cocktail flu.
I said I would never eat here again.. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.
Really stupid. (she takes a big sip from her bottled water.)
When was this?
What is a bender anyhow?
Why do you keep watching?
What guy?
Its killing you isn?t it?
(Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious. 
He's not THAT religious.
Wrong side?
Um... Look Russell... You're a very sweet guy. But I got to be honest with you. I don't like television... and that's your world. That's your life. I mean maybe if you were in... I don't know... Greenpeace or something, that would be different, but network television... I mean, come on, Russell, you're part of the problem.
Yeah, especially those frames.
I'm taking a cab home. I can't this anymore.
Got it! C'mon, let's go, let's go. Bye George. 
I thought you wore silk underwear.
What was that again?
'Cause then I could move in here.
I know, it's just something you have to say...
Oh, boy, I'm really scared!
(looking at her watch) Okay, well that's all the time we have for today. Why don't we pick up with this next week?
Hello. This is Todd Gack.
Oh sure. Hey guys, I wanna make a toast. Um... Here's to us who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell... All right, who's dancin'? C'mon, who's dancin'? You want me, You want me to get it started? I'll get it started. Whew! (She dances)
(Shocked) Stabbed?!
Nope.
What'd you have?
No. No no. Actually I kind of need to speak to you.
See, I was gonna give the shower in my apartment..
I really think it's the size of your neck.
(To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress leaves) I'm going to 'Atomic Sub' later.
I'm sorry I can't stay for the... second act.
Oh. OK. Maybe we could grab some lunch sometime. D-do you work around here or-?
No, I don't need to know. I just think it would be nice if I knew.
Really? What're the other titles?
Downtown New York?
Oh she's fat?
(softly to Dick) Dick.
I can't. I'm the best man.
*No*, we would have heard it.
Yeah, right.
See? Finally, *finally* I get to meet a man who pillages and plunders! I'm so lucky.
Pardon me? 
O.K. I'll leave the ticket for you at will call. 
He could be eating a gyro, he wouldn't offer me anything. It's a sickness. 
Um, hum, I don't know.. . . A big salad?
Noreen, were you hitting on him?
What's that?
Tell me if you think this is strange. There's this guy who lives in my building, who I was introduced to a couple of years ago by a friend. He's a uh teacher, or something. Anyway, after we met, whenever we'd run into each other on the street, or in the lobby, or whatever, we would stop and we would chat a little. Nothing much. Little pleasantries. He's a nice guy, he's got a family. Then after a while, I noticed there was not more stopping. Just saying hello and continuing on our way. And then the verbal hellos stopped, and we just went into these little sort of nods of recognition. So, fine. I figure, that's where this relationship is finally gonna settle: polite nodding. Then one day, he doesn't nod. Like I don't exist?! He went from nods to nothing.
I will never understand people.
What is so funny?
Yeah, right.
I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking.
I gotta go talk to him.
I don't know if I can.
No, I, I don't. But.. Well, the Maestro might.
.....Hi.
(laughs in appreciation) You are not gonna believe this! I told him that I just wanted to be friends. He's fine with it. He really wants to be friends.
Oh yeah, sure. (hangs up) Gimme a break.
That, had to be invented?
There, we just talked business.</font>
Huh?
I'm not below.
How did you decide which one of you would date which girl? (They pause then look at each other)
Right. So why I'm the one who gets 'reer'. You know I mean they were being as catty as I was. It's a double standard.
David and I will not be getting back together.
Hey. 
I've never seen her before.
Quiet! So where is this Sophie?
Ohh! Oh, the city shuts down Fifth avenue. They never let anyone through. We're never getting home.
I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date.
I can't believe he hasn't called.
What? JERRY Where's the car?
And then you flush.
Oh, that creepy guy?
Ten bucks, how can you go wrong?
Could you do me a favor? Um, when my friends call, could you not talk to them for too long?
Listen, I got news for ya, its nice to be involved with somebody who?s interested in something other than nick at night. Now he?s got a grip on reality, he's happy, he's well adjusted.
Can you believe him?
I'm not even in here!
He can't go left.
Oh yeah, oh yeah. I've heard of him. He's that 'Did you ever notice this? Did you ever notice that?' guy.
You never get good haircuts. 
Now?! 
Mmm, this is delicious. 
(gasp) Hey Jerry, you're in the Alumni magazine! Listen to this: Jerry Seinfeld has appeared on 'David Letterman' and the 'Tonight Show' and he did a pilot for NBC called 'Jerry' ...that was not picked up. Georgie, how come there's not anything about you in here?
What about her kid, is she bringing him, too?
(not charmed) That's nice. Listen, Kramer, you know, if you ever want to have kids you shouldn't wear briefs. Boxers are much better for your sperm count.
Ooh, I can't wait to get me a fella and make mah own pie!
C'mon lets go...
It's time you got outta here anyway.
What was that all about?
All right. Jerry, that's enough now about the Soup Nazi. Whoa! Wow! Look at this. You know what this is? This is an antique armoire. Wow! It's French. Armoire.
Excuse me, excuse me, Fred?
I got stuff to do.
So what movie are you guys seeing?
It was unbelievable. Six weeks of traveling through Mexico all on Peterman's peso.
I don't know. What do you think?
Kramer, ahem, remember that whole deal with you selling Peterman your stories for his book and then he gave them back to you?
My roommate has Lyme disease.
Can you believe that, Vivian doesn't think I'm responsible?
(Whispering to Jerry) Hey.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I got a card, and they stamp it every time I buy a sub. 24 stamps, and I become a submarine (makes a gesture) captain.
So, is there anything you can tell me about yourself?
(Angered) No, I found a better way to humiliate myself. There was this guy, and we had a few too many..
Oh, I said it in a kidding way.
My boss told me to find someone. I'm in charge of it. All you have to do is meet him. Come on. Come on, come on, here hold my drink.
Uh, me neither and I am not about to start with George.
Yeah, yeah.
Huuh, Wow.
Yeah. 
You think I should have asked George? 
Jerry get off of me. Get off of ME! Get off, Get off of Me!
I got a pebble. 
They have big salads.
Ooh.
Oh, of course.
And now, there's this intense animosity whenever we pass. I mean, it's like we really hate each other. It's based on nothing.
The Korean women were talking about me. I think they were calling me a dog.
Jerry!
I think I can tell.
Yeah, I'm just really, really busy.
You're all grown up.
He's this guy that I went to Tuscany with. He's a great guy, but I just wouldn't feel comfortable calling him.
Oh!!.....Joseph Aboud .. and look at this hand ticking around the crest.
Oh. We were going to see that but it was sold out. So were going to see'Blame it on the Rain'
(dread) Uh. It's really not that bad, actually. He said he'd even go with me to the Museum of Miniatures. This is something you would never ever do.
(skeptical) Oh hoh, really? Well, why don't we ask him about it?
Oh great, put it all on the Peterman account with the other stuff.</font>
Look it, I'm dating a doctor and I like it. Let's just move on. (Phone rings)
That is not the point! The guy was stabbed!
I'm a 'honey.' He's pretty great, huh?
Your guy can't cross to my side?
That is so stupid.
Hey.
We know what a face consists of.
(looking in her purse) Oh, here.
How long have you two been together?
I can't believe you said that.
Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ...
You know, sometimes people won't go in a place, if they don't see anyone else in there.
You should have lived in the twenties and thirties, you know men wore hats all the time then.
No, no.
I've got to go
What, you mean, in your mother's house, or all together? 
What!?
How long would *you* have stood in the ticket-holders line?
Well, I thought there was going to be a character named Elaine Benes.
Nah, we just play defense.
Really? What is it about?
Who's faking?
Jerry, you promised you'd get me home by seven. 
All right... (slaps the magazine down on the counter) this is too much fun, I gotta get back to work. (heads for the door)
A lot!
Hi. (she flips her hair)
All Right! (throws arms down) You answered it right there.
You could have.
Listen, Jerry, this place is falling apart. You have no hot water, you can't have soft cheese...
(to Wendy) Wendy, George. (to George) Wendy.
What's going on? What is that look?
How much is this?
You just said, 'nice to meet you', but actually we've met before.
Why not?
Oh, tons!
Oh, great. Send him in.
(emotional) Oh. Oh, bravo, Vincent. Bravo. (sniffs)
So, get this: Mister Peterman is finally letting me do some real writing. He's got this book deal, for his autobiography. He's gonna let me ghost write it.
Lithe.
Yeah.
Well I was kind of, hehehe, short on material and I, um, I put them in the book anyway.
What about you? You were even engaged, and you cut it off just like that.
She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr. It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease.
I couldn't raise a kid? Come on, I love bossing people around.
Hey Walter, what is the deal with that guy?
What happened last night?
(Embarrassed) Free sub.
(Full of pride) My new salesman boyfriend took me out to celebrate his promotion. 
I'm sorry.
(flattered) Oh (laughs) That'll do! (laughs some more)
Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going down!
Do you have to do that? Jerry, don't do that, that is so annoying.
And vodka.
Maybe I'll get a steak with french fried onion wings.
I didn't say 'too good', did I say 'too good'?
Wow, look at that ring.
You know I-I'm having a lot of trouble, um, hearing you back here. So... 
Yeah. You know what, you should go over there and get one to look good for my bachelor auction. 
Karen? 
Why don't you just ask her parents? 
What the hell does that mean? 
They have a big salad.
Uh oh.
I heard Poppie's was good, let's go.
No.
Oh my God.
Because this woman came in with a dog and Ruby called the dog the same word they used when they were pointing at me...ge ge ge
Yeah, that's right. I don't wanna get married.
Twenty-five percent.
Yeah, yeah.
(Explaining) Because he hasn't called me since we got back.. I spilled wine on his 8 by 10 photo of one of his favorite Italian opera stars.
Well I'm in the biz .. I work for J. Peterman.
(to George) Hey.
Excuse me. Hey, how you doing. Uhm, my, uh, friend here says that he invented that little twirl you're doing.
I'll take it.</font>
Yeah, (Nodding) It turns out it was his ex-girlfriend.
No, he just shaves his head. I think it's pretty gutsy.
What?
Alright, fine. I'll just cross and meet him.
Where are they goin'?
Isn't this great? With those nerds in accounting moved, you and I are the only ones who use this bathroom.
What?
Didja see that? Those people, look, they're getting a table.
What? What is that?
So, what'd she say?
What did you think, that would impress me?
I can't take your bedroom.
We're going to the movies, we're gonna see Prognosis Negative.
See'ya.
Well, you can wear a hat all the time now. Who's stopping you?
Okay, so he just wants to talk to you. I couldn't talk him out of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that?
Oh, no, he didn't say anything.
I'm going to surprise Joey, I?ve never been to his apartment so I?m just going to 'pop in'
Oh, gimme a break.. 
*Five* dollars a bag? I don't think so.
[gives up] Yeah, exactly...
I picked up his mail while he was on the road
You couldn't 'keep track' of everybody?
(surprised) What do you mean it's about nothing?
Faking what?
I am never going back to the movies again 
With the Chinese woman?!
It is not necessary.
Jerry, come on, you're doin' okay now. You should at least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live like this.
Really?
What's it?
Something's going on here.
Huh? Ha. 200. You know, I've always wanted one of these things.
Yeah, at Katie Ash's party?
Who was Pippi Longstocking?
Alibi? What does that have to do with me?
What's she going to do? There's no more tickets.
(laughs sarcastically) You don't respect my work at all, do you?
Eddie. Yes, um, I am so sorry but I'm afraid we're gonna have to... promote you.
(rolling her eyes) Lithe!
What if.
Kramer listen, it is such a stupid book. It doesn't matter.
You want to bet?
I don't know. She did some outdoor version of Hair in Danbury, Connecticut.
(exhales)
(Gesturing to her nose stud) I know. I woke up with this.
(Obviously embarrassed) Uh, to a restaurant. 
I haven't talked to him in, like, three weeks... I THINK it might be over...
(Gives Jerry a look) Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position?
Oh, oh, *John*... Oh, hi John... Hi...
I didn't say it.
Well, thanks for a nice evening. It was really fun.
I don't wanna go to a... miniplex multi-theater!
What?
I'm going to have to be honest with you. I'm going deaf. 
Oh it's a thing where they auction off dates with bachelors for charity. 
Oh! The Risotto broad. 
Oh! The subway? From Queens? 
You know, I was just thinking. The four of us can't show up with just one bottle of wine.
Yeah. (startled)
What? Why? 
It's okay, you don't...
Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Pitt. Hello?
I said, All Right.
Oh, you come on.
You're way off.
Ah Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
You know the Three Tenors?
(giggling) Ohhh!!.
(to Jerry) Hey. What did the detective say?
Well, I don't know.. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. (Obviously turned on by the stabbing) I mean, to be stab-worthy.. You know, it's.. kind of a compliment.
What? Clinging to some scraps?
Who is it?
(Laughing) That's funny. Hey, listen, what are you doin' Saturday night?
You just left? What did you tell her?
What is it? (Grabs the card from George, he tries to stop her, but fails. She reads it out loud.) 'Dear son, Happy Festivus.' What is Festivus?
Hi!
No no no, they weren't here before.
I needed to move a bureau.
I was a 718 when I first moved here. I cried every night.
Like you this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?
I can't kick you out of your bed.
I didn't pay attention.
It's your house.
Are you sure you like these sunglasses?
Okay.
(Calling out to Sandra) No, Sandra. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I really am! Listen, listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure right now. It's very hard being a stand-up comedian! Sometimes they don't laugh!
You got some nerve trying to take advantage of us...
You have no idea?
Um, I got up. Um, I went to work. Then I came here.
Ah! Orgasm?
Hi!
I looked for you too, I was all the way over on the side 
Ooh! I love duck. C'mon, c'mon!
Really?
Sssshhhhhh!!!
Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from Iceland to Finland.
You would do that?
(warning) George.
Jerry, it's six. (claps her hands) Let's go.
Siena?
Jumping up and down? What are you talking about? C'mon. Cough it up.
Because they're the best Jerry, the best. Look. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
Yeah. All right. You guys go ahead.
Elaine. You don't remember our conversation? I talked about how my uncle worked in the book depository building with Lee Harvey Oswald?
Did she have anything to do with Hitler?
Oh, so you wanna say you were with me?
So what's been going on around this dump? How's your fiancee?
(wry, not impressed) Well you cracked it! I warned the Queen you were gettin' close an', now it looks like we're gonna have to move the whole damn forbidden city. (chuckles with JERRY)
Well, I called him all the way up to my office, so I had to tell him something important. So I promoted him.
(looking at Jerry) Ohh.
Hey!
Well, you two'll have a great time there.
Certainly not.
(using silly voice) Uh, yeah yeah. I'd like to place an order.
He's doing a book signing at Waldenbooks this afternoon.
50
It's a classic.
You've been an enormous help.
I had the roast beef...
I don't know. He wouldn't tell me his phone number, where he worked... I'll bet he's in a relationship.
I am an associate.
Was it my fault?
I have a good masseuse you could go to.
Won't the landlord know I'm not the daughter?
Oh, I was just at this recital and Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg and I started laughing.
Who is he?
[mind] Is he going to try to kiss me?
C'mon.. 
See, she was clever. You know she put her picture on a card. I should do that. I never do anything like that.
It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films.
So what are we gonna get him?
What? 
I tought you didn't like double dates. 
What?
It's OK. (starts walking down the hallway)
Like... (doing it) Like this? 
Look at my face, look at it. You see any lines?
Is this Noreen?
Why did I buy it, because in the mirror, at Barney's, I looked fabulous. This woman was just walking by said I looked like Demi (the 'i' sounds like an 'e') Moore in Indecent Proposal.
So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable?
(Nodding) The other guy.
Ohhh!! really ..well you know what, I write those.
You are not going to believe what happened to me at the doctors office today. 
Oh, did you guys stop at the bodega today? Some moron bounced a clown check!
So, you understand how my Peterman stock options are gonna work?
Of Vincent's picks?
I need someone to go with me to Mr. Lippman's son's Bar Mitzvah.
Find out what's going on!
At work?
Now you're being audited because of it. You see That's Karma.
Kramer, I don't know how you lasted as long as you did.
I'm sure it's right around here.
 Well don't stand here, let's walk in, blend in, blend in.
I love Cajun cooking.
Hey!
Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate.
You're lucky I don't report you...
(on the intercom) It's me, are you ready to go?
Russell, see, I'm really not interested in this stuff and I do have to go to work (she gets up). So...
How do you know?
See what?
Hi!
I need something to read on the subway. 
I think it would be romantic. 
yeah 
Well what happened when you raced him again?
Hi, Pamela, you remember Jerry.
No, don't...
Well, he gave me the morning off, I was doing a little... shopping. How did this happen?
Would you please?
Yeah, who speaks Korean?
I'm getting an armoire, Jerry.
When my uncle said to him, 'the president's been shot' Oswald winked at him and said, 'I'm gonna go catch a movie'?
(pulls a face) Puh. Okay, fine. You were with me.
God, it is so great to drive again. I miss it so much! (Suddenly swerves to the right, then yells out of her window) How about a left turn signal, ya moron?!
Jeannie... your fiancee.
No, I need it.
Copywriter.
Hey.
Mmm!
I know.
All right. Witness? (looks at George).
I guess. She must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in.
(Seeing George, she walks over to greet him) Hey. (Looking at his shoes) Are those Timberlands ... painted black?
Jerry, She looks exactly like you.
Which one is he?
I'm going to miss 60 Minutes. You know, I hate to miss 60 Minutes. It's part of my Sunday weekend wind-down.
Are you coming with me?
We did. We're just hanging out.
She's Cynthia!
They look good. I liked the other one too. I've liked about five of them.
It can be very frustrating. 
Will you go ahead? You need a haircut. 
I've looked through that window and screamed at him to shut the blinds. 
What?
What's me? 
You know why? One word: shade.
Maybe I should just get married.
Well, listen, Jerry mentioned it, and, I don't know--
What is with him? 
Then how are all these people getting together?
Hey George.
Yeeeahh!!!
No, no. I was looking at my chart and it said I was difficult. Why would they write that? 
Why not? (To the Sales Woman) And some hair for my little friend here.</font>
Just, very interesting.
(Taking out Boggle) Oh, I don't think that's possible.
(Interrupting) David, can you tell me where the Xerox machine is? 
Yeah.
Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank.
I don't have a fax machine.
So, waddya' going to do?
If you could see her personality it would be like one of the Elephant Man exhibits, you know where they pull off the sheet and everyone gasps.
Casus belli.
Uh, my father's half drunk. ha ha ha ha
Sweater.
I will.
Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that?
No, no, I was just thinking out loud I don't want my picture on a card.
Hi, Gail.
I'm sorry Russell. I'm sorry O.K.? Bye-bye. (Russell, still sitting watches her leaving).
Of course.
What?
Nice to meet you, too!
(looks at it) TV Guide? 
Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh. 
yeah, all right ok 
We should bring some cake. Will you stop off at the bakery?
Noreen, are you crying?
Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it.
O.K. Thanks.
So now Duncan is back?
Were you just talking about me?
(from the bathroom) JERRY! (Elaine enters the living-room.) Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows?
Tuna?
(quietly) Give that to me.
'Oh! Okay. Right. Thanks Mr Pitt....'kay. ..goodbye.'
Mr. Pitt, you were s'posed to talk with the pharmacist.
Told me what?!
No, who?
Oh, dear.
That was right when we were in front of the bathroom door.
What is the difference?
You know what? On my first road test, I hit a dog. (Jerry nods, blinking) I think it was a golden retriever. No, no, no, it was a - it was a yellow lab. (Picks up the car phone) I'm gonna check my messages. (Begins to dial as she pulls up to a pedestrian crosswalk. She stops right before hitting a man crossing the street)
All right. Spill it, Jerome.
Well it can't be any worse than the pointless drivel we normally churn out.
Alright, can we (glances at her watch) go?
He musta got my number off the computer. We ended up talking for, like, two hours.
What? What happened?
Backless? Ya gonna back her in?
It's almost stupid if we didn't.
Hey.
(Embarrassed) I should.. (Walks toward the bride and groom)
Ten minutes.
Well maybe she doesn't, I don't care.
I don't care for jewellery on men (wags her finger disapprovingly)
Oh, uh, thank you. Are you still friends with Richie Appel?
What, you don't think she's beautiful?
Wait up!
That's great Kramer... So-So, anyway, tell us what's involved in being a Godparent.
Am I fearing AIDS? Oh, yeah sure, who isn't. But you know you gotta live your life. 
And you're taking... 
Wh..?
Get out! 
I don't know. They're takin' a nap or something.
I know. You know, whenever I'm on a date I feel people can tell.
(taking the phone) Hello Mr. Pitt. How's Scotland?
(to Jerry) 'Hey ! You want to go see 'The Velvet Fog'.
So, you know what? My friend Judy recommended me for a job at Viking Press. 
(to George who is winking) What is your problem?
(indicating) You remember Katy?
Ahh.
Then the doctor writes more stuff down and doesn't even look at my rash. 
Uh, it was okay,. He's coming over later to watch a movie. Hey listen, what's better for your back? Couch cushions or a folding chair?
Mr. Lippman, how are you?
What do you wanna know?
Oh. (Leaves for the room) 
(Liking the idea) Ohh.. right. Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.
How is that?
It's black, right?
It's Latin. I read it in some book. I don't know, I just wanted to say it out loud.
Hey, George, you know my friend goes to a psychic.
[mind] What's he waiting for? I thought he was a cool guy.
So? What happened?
I don't know. I'll hide 'em. So, is Kramer upset?
Alright, alright. We do it, uh... (thinks) five times a week, okay?
Now those look good, they're very bold.
I don't know.
(engrossed in magazine) Hmm-mmm. 
that's nice. Listen, listen to this I am in the bathroom, right before the movie starts 
Oh, hi Greg.
Oh, hi Dan.
Wait a minute (claps hands) Wait a minute. I know what's going on here. Skinny Mirrors! (she pushes George and Jerry in their respective chests, with her arms extended -- one arm for each of them -- they recoil with surprise)
Oh, the guy with cancer?
Hi
They're dying in the nets.
I'm gonna go and call that pharmacist. (She exits)
Yeah.
(dumbfounded) No.
You gotta' be kidding me. How does he speak Korean?
I think it's great. I think you should get it.
(looks for George) Mmm. (can't see him) Oh, um, I got it.
Trying to meet him. He's never at the video store. They said he sets his own hours.
She's not gonna twirl--
Absurd!
No.
(enters) Well, gentlemen. Lainie is... in love.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
All right. Whiff away.
Ohhhh.. and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
So where do you get this note?
He believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women.
Have you thought about an intervention?
You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
The flight's been canceled?!?!
On occasion.
(excited about Lloyd) Aaah. Boy, he is really cute!
Hey, did you get a massage yet? 
Ring Dings?
(Sarcastic) No thanks. I got plenty of girlfriends.
You can say that again.
Excuse me, I was wondering if would it be possible if you could deliver the old couch to my apartment? It's not very far.
They were stolen.
A party. Oh no, that was just my stupid friend Jerry.
'Yeah! Mel Torm&eacute;, That's his nickname.'
Yeah! But get this. Viking has a deal with the Plaza Hotel, they got a two bedroom suite, there, for out-of-town clients...So guess what I did? 
Fine.
You keep winking at me. That's really obnoxious.
Hey.
Ah! Because, I'm going to the dentist, and I'm afraid, and I want you to go with me.
They have no idea when they're going back to Florida?
Oh my God! Jerry! My friend, Kim called - David and Beth got separated last night!
Oh come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy. 
Uh, maybe we'll just stand and watch the tv. [knock knock]. I gotta go someone's at my door. Yeah!
What are you doing here?
Rarely.
I think you're getting a little pudding under the skin yourself.
Did you ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They think they're so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make you sick.
(Sarcastic) Oh, bravo.
Then maybe you have a fax machine.
Just do it, Jerry. Uhh. This exhaust. I'm gonna throw up.
Have you gone in there?
Uh uh, you should go some time.
[mind] This is getting awkward.
With the car!
Well, maybe you should just give him the keys back.
Oh, man. Alright, listen. Just tell me something, what are you gonna say?
Really? Can you really take a picture?
Sigh/Ugh.
Oh, no! Come on Jerry.
(still paying no attention) Hmm-mmm. First thing in the morning. 
George I was just kidding around. 
I'm in the stall and there's no toilet paper 
Wow!
Yeah. Well, actuall today was the first day I worked out since the Central Park Mini-Marathon.
Tell Noreen I'll just call her back later.
What meeting?
Skinny Mirrors! Barney's has Skinny Mirrors, they make you look, like, 10 pounds lighter.
Jerry, can't you incorporate one unselfish act in your daily routine?
Bye Wendy. I'm sorry.
Yeah.
No.
What did he do?
Well, I could care less. I hope it is on our record. I'm just sorry they didn't lock me up.
(makes surprise noise) Are the clubs in it? Ask him.
I'm not Jewish.
It's PLO blend.
(tossing the ball back) Yeah.
We, there are always a few.
(indicating a movie poster) What about Sack Lunch?
You're going to the Tony's too?
Hey, hey, hey! I met this guy! And it was like this, totally unreal, fairy tale moment.
Sara Sitarides?
(holding Kramer off from getting another whiff) Hup! That's it.
And... what would those be?
Why is she doing this?
You get all his friends in a room, They confront himm to try to get him into rehab. It's a very popular thing now.
That's because my standards are too low. And by the way, you know, women kill for eyebrows like that. Do you know that? I mean women pluck their real eyebrows out of their head, one by one, until they're bald, Jerry. Bald above the eyes! And then they paint in these eyebrows to look like that.
Why?
No.
Hi there, little doggy. (to owner:) Do you mind if I pet your dog?
Jerry, she gives massages all day. She doesn't wanna to give them on dates. 
What?
Good for you.
'Kay. You, uh...you got room in the truck for me?
A couple a hours ago. The police are coming right over.
'Do you wanna go or not?'
I know, I know Jerry.. but it's The Plazaaa... I've never stayed there .It'll be like a little vacation 
No.
Oh, hello, Rabbi Krischma.
Right there. Right there. You just did it again.
Hey.
Hey.
(pointedly) Okay. Fine.
How's that gonna happen?
How did you do that?
They're gettin' divorced! (Quickly breaks, stopping traffic)
Hey!...( sees George) HEY!! Georgie. You know what I just realized; the wedding is like a month away.ha..haa..
You've never felt remorse.
Listen to me you little shi........ 
Ohh, I got your coffee.
Yeah.
Oh.
No.
Huh?
(Through intercom) Yeah.
What's the name of this physical therapist?
Yeah, I'll just stay in here. (goes in the guest room)
Are we still going to the movies tonight?
Good night
The hit and run!
Is that Kramer? (Jerry nods.)
No, no, but I would like to hear it.
We're not going to sit together?
All right, ha ha
Yeah. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.
No, no! We'll find a space. There's spaces in the other lot.
George I wasn't serious. 
toilet paper 
George, we can't show up at someone's house with Ring Dings and Pepsi.
Oh! I can't believe this, Kramer!
No, but I exercised that day. (Laughs.)
No one. I'm sorry Mr. Pitt, that won't happen again.
Oh! (tries to take paper)
An Armani suit?
Am I? (hands on hips) Do you think I would have bought this dress if I looked like this at Barney's?
And I'm going to have an English muffin with margarine on the side and a cup of coffee.
Believe me, we're not entertained. We were just leaving. (to Jerry) Oh, can you grab those empty bottles for me.
Softer.
You didn't.
Uh,
What kind is that?
Ah, you don't have to tell me.
(laughs and giggles like a schoolgirl)
So, now, what is our move? What do we do?
(laughing to Jerry) Oh god, that guy's terrible.
Devastating.
Oh, c'mon Blaine. I mean, look at the poster for Sack Lunch.
Oh, George's friend. Whatever happened to him?
Oh...(falls in to the sofa.)
So get this. I'm in the bathroom at work today, and I see Peggy using a seat protector.
I'm sorry. George, I'm sorry!
He can really do that?
[mind] Who does this guy think he is?
I thought you were finished.
Hey Boys-O!
Because I was gooood.
Hey little doggy. (Elaine pets the dog and he bites her) Aaah!
No, I have known this guy since college. He doesn't do drugs.
So what? 
Right on baby. (???)
What, does that conflict with your regular schedule?
Oh, goody. Okay, well uh...(to Jerry and Kramer)...I'll see you chumps later. (Elaine and Carl exit.)
(looking at Kramer) Someone left the door open.
(slapping George on the arm) What did you do that for?
'He's performing at this AMCA benefit.'
( laughs)Listen, I've used your parents address in Florida. 
No, nothing.
Thanks again for taking care of that dog for us.
You're eye still hurts?
Hey George.
Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. (pointedly) By myself.
I don't like the way you just rejected my suggestion.
What?...Oh! by the way. What am I going to be in the wedding party?
I bet your parents were upset, huh?
Andrea Doria? Isn't that the one they did the song about?
(waving away) Nah, nah, it's on me. (looks at her watch) Aww, man. Okay, listen guys, I'm gonna be late. (taking her cup of coffee) I'll see you, okay? (begins to walk away)
Mattress, I didn't order a mattress. Who sent this? Hal Kitzmiller?
Saturday.
Just me and George?
Hi boys.
Queens?! You followed him over the bridge?
(dialling) Alright, okay. You talk to him.
Well, what about George? He's supposed to pick us up at Kennedy.
Why? What's wrong with it?
Positive! This chick's playin' with confederate money.
What if a handicapped person needs it?
Wha, Kramer. It's a tradition.
How are you gonna get something and get back on the train in time? 
I guess this one is my fault. 
so I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses! ha ha 
I've been wanting to get one of these things! Are you sure that...
Yeah, I guess as an airline pilot, you're one of the few people who can say that and mean it. (Laughs again. Greg looks at her, unamused.) Um, do you have the time?
Well, it's a long story, okay? But my stupid friend Jerry told my other friend Noreen that she was-- (noticing Mr. Pitt eating the candy bar with knife and fork and becoming distracted) You know, hitting on him and so I called her to see what was, uh, going on and I accidentally got her boyfriend, who is this, you know--
(going to the phone) All right. I'm gonna try Noreen again.
Yes?
Yes, Mr. Pitt?
Oh, well, Mr. Pitt, there's really nothing that can't wait. We're trying to catch a movie.
Sheets.
You got me an apartment in the building?!
Lloyd Braun? How's he doing?
Better, now.
Oh, you know what? He got engaged.
But I really did like it
(Agreeing) Mm.
Oh it's my pleasure. I love these. In fact I got one at home. It's perfect when you just want to throw something on. 
Hey, how come we played at this crummy place instead of your club?
And that would be good. (Points to bedroom)
(laughing) Don't you wanna know how they got in there?
How did you get that job?
We have to break up.
Hey. What's going on?
You remember that next door neighbor of mine, the apartment that always smells like potatoes?
So... we're the only women on the floor. I mean, we're like roommates. Would-would you use a seat protector if you had a roommate?
Oh, I can't believe it! I've lost my 'Atomic Sub' card!.. Oh no! I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it when I gave it to denim vest!
Literally.
How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags?
Sure, fine.
 How did I ever let you talk me into this, I must have been out of my mind.
I wonder what Ghandi ate before his fast.
What, are you into this?
Uh, who else? ... Mookie. Mookie was there. Do you know him?
Oh, I'm not, uh...
Oh, all right. Can you break a twenty?
Why? We're all very nice, we're very friendly.
You didn't know.
Maybe it's the cold weather.
Oh, Kramer, that's the bakery. Stop here. Stop here.
...Are you sure you can't use this thing?
I'm going down there. 
Nice rack. (Carol and Michael inside open back door)
Oh I'm returning this dress to Barney's.
(pinching George's arm) Ask about your arm.
'Able Mentally Challenged Adults'
Hey. What's this.?. 
I was with David *Putty* last night.
Yeah, I suppose.
(sitting up in bed) Nothing much, um. Can I talk to Susan
You told them that?
(sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow.
I thought that my suggestion was good. And, I think you could've been a little more tactful.
Well Jerry's gonna be the best man and Kramer's gonna be the usher so what am I gonna be?
You haven't told them yet, have you?
Bye.
I'll take full responsibility. You won't regret it.
Oh, yeah... Puddy. Well, I won't fire him until I see if this new guy can... handle the workload.
I don't know if you people are aware of this, but I am one clever chickadee.
But we need you.
What's happening?
Kramer!
It's ironic.
Hey, how's your hair?
(Smiling) I want to be in on this, too. 
There's no time.
What? Just 'cause of that?
Hello.
(laughing) No thanks. 
a square? 
Eleven-thirty?
Who Gendason?
She's Chinese so you suggest Chinese food?
All right! I'll use a pencil, Mr. Pitt.
No, I'm still working on it.
 Hey.
Alright. (to Jerry, upset) I can't go.
Colors.
How did you...
Jerry. Jerry, this is Jean-Paul.
You know, that's around the same time I broke up with Lloyd. Y... you don't think that I had anything to do with his breakdown, do you?
You know Sue Ellen Mishke?
uhn... Sorry!
(explaining) We used to date, but now we're just friends.
Right.
Where did you get my chart? 
Jerry!
Ah.
Yeah, we just wanna take this and add that.
(disappointment) Aww. Sold out.
I can't take this anymore! I don't want to hear how interesting the change with the hole in it is! And if you tell me what time it is in New York again, you are going home in a body bag!
No, Castro.
This jackass goes to Paris, leaves the alarm on. It's been beeping since 3:30 this morning.
(From the front of the room, she can hear George and Jerry's heated discussion) Hey! Shhhhh! (Crosses herself, then shakes her head - apologizing)
(eyeing Jerry meticulously cleaning up the soda) Yeah, you're probably right. She's probably one of those neurotic clean freaks.
I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it!
Right.
(SHE LOOKS AT HER WATCH) You'd better find this car.
Casus belli.
 How old are you?
This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties.
Really?
No, wait a minute, wait a minute. They're gonna be telling us how their dates went. Are we gonna share that information?
Hum, he's such a great guy. You should meet him. You know he's the one who got that hit ...
Jerry, give him the keys back.
I don't know.
Oh, well, then I'll pay you later.
You didn't know.
Okay, well, he had this idea of a pizza place where you make your own pie! (Laughs)
I'm okay, it's just a nip.
Okay, let me out. You, eh, whatever your name is...
Where'd you get this?
(grabbing George by the arm, hurried to leave) Let's go. 
Egh, Jake Jarmel?
She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office.
...Uhm, the new Time magazine. The new People...
'What are you..crazy?'
What is it ..A drawing of Mr. Magoo 
He did the move.
No, Rabbi, I'm not myself.
What was that?
No, George really. Can I talk to Susan?
(excited) This is so fantastic. I don't know how to thank you.
Ach, maybe.
(weary) Okay.
Wel...I have to be something. I 'm a close friend....What about being a bridesmaid.
I'm gonna faint...
His phone's been disconnected, but I was able to obtain an address - 1324 Amsterdam Avenue, apartment 4D. (Hands George a card) Now, I did my job. (To Jerry) May I have the car keys, please?
Because... Yeah?
How could you say something like that?!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I *am*!
So? Then what?
(handing over the phone) You're not the type that should be playing with matches, seriously Kramer.
Why? 
Alright, well if you change your mind, we'll wind up as Isabella's probably around seven.
Oh, come on! You've dated women with nosejobs, what's the difference?
Well wait a minute, there's a slight change of plans.
(making fun of George as he leaves) Don't forget to wash your hands before supper.
a ply? 
Oh.
Why is that name familiar?
I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese...
Come in, come in!
Artie Shaw. 'Honeysuckle Jump.' (The song ends.)
Yeah yeah, ok.
 Hey.  Oh, is that a label maker?
No, no. I'm fine.
No.
Yeah? Well, I got news for you.
Yeah, the woman I grew up with in Maryland, she moved here last year...
What is the big deal!!
Yeeah, but David and Beth are going to need their grieving time.
You know I can tell you my whole history. Let's just....... 
(reading) At the Knights of Columbus?
I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat.
Huh.
So d'you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack?
Okay, alright listen. Forget about The Gap because we are through!
All because of this creepy new guy at work. He just - he just comes out of nowhere and he's right next to you!
How do you do that?
Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it.
This pen smells really bad. So why do I keep smelling it? Is it too late for me to go to law school?
You sure you want his face?
(quietly) Ok.
Since when do you wear cologne?
 Whatever you want.
Where's my drink?
Oh...
Well, wait a minute, we're gonna tell each other everything, I mean every secret?
Nuthin'. Then he took me home.
What's that?
Yeah, you *could*...
My leg looks pretty bad.
Excuse me? 
Yeah, Jerry, Jerry -- come with me.
Oh, how did you end up playing golf with him?
So, he puts the couch down, and just as he's about to leave he says, 'Do you date moving men?'
Why? You don't wear glasses.
Because, it is what she does.
'Well, what am I gonna do for a date.?...Oh! do you know that ..hemmm! blond guy who's always at the exercycle at the health club?'
It is.. 
You know...*the* move.
What did he think, you were flirtin' with him?
Alright. So, get a load of this. This guy, Fred Yerkes, remembers every little thing about that night except me.
Because I want to ask her to lunch and to the Met tomorrow.
Oh, probably caught in traffic.
I don't know.
Okay.
Well then...aaahh how about being an usher?
(pause) Man, Hands?
...and I brought I whole new set of cookware, and a Water Pik.</font>
So do most doctors like ER or do you guys just think it's fake?
Oh!
What is this?
Does the word 'charm' mean anything to you?
Because I relate to George through you, we're like friends-in-law. Besides, you said we were gonna see Prognosis Negative together. Can't you just put some newspapers down or something?
No no, there's nothing wrong with her nose! I'm so sorry, Audrey.
Well maybe you should call him.
(mouths silently) Okay.
What? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from Jerry and George. Persistent) Why? 
Why?
You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?
eh, Remember Roy, the artist?
So if you can drive, you're not handicapped?
yeah 
No.
Hi, Toby.
Why do you think we're getting the sneak preview?
Ah, right there, yeah.
Moisturizer? That's girls stuff.
 Love the Label Baby, baby.  You know those things make great gifts, I just got one of those for Tim Whatley for Christmas.
(thrilled) She died?!
The heiress to the O'Henry candy bar fortune--
He dared....
(Nodding) Yeah, yeah..
Well, Mr. Peterman, I've got a really good idea for a hat. It combines the spirit of old Mexico with a little big city panache. I like to call it the Urban Sombrero.
Please, please. It's really, really itchy. 
Hi, George. How ya feeling? Is anybody getting your apartment?
Right.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.
Fine!
That's right! He's a real sidler. (points at Jerry)
Hey! Monkeys! Knock it off. My best friend is trying to get married up here!
(Irritated, and through clinched teeth) I want that free sub.
A wedding.
I'll tell her I was the one who laughed.
What if it worked out?
What?!
I am speechless. I am without speech.
'I'm very imPRESSED'? ... Ah you mean pressed caus' its like a dry cleaner?
I mean, how is that easier? I mean, then you would owe me twelve fifty instead of me owing you seven fifty.
Well...
Okay.
(on the buzzer) Buzz me.
Ah. Uh, look really (looks about to try and avoid contact) I'm just trying to read. 
Yeah.
It looks exactly like me. 
So what?
(matter of fact) You can't get one ring past him.
You wanna know what I said?
Oh, my father used have a huge collection of big band records.
George, you got a little something, right here.
'Yeah yeah! He's really handsome with those...'
Sorry. 
Listen, listen I'm gonna go call work to see if I can get my deadline extended. I can't...come up with anything for this thing.
What are you saying?
Why not?
(patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the hell up?
Fine.
You don't ask.. You tell.
(weary) (Look,) would you, prefer it, if she had, no hands at all?
Sure. Water Pik, floss, Plax, brush, Listerine.</font>
Oh, yeah. And I'm not really attracted to you.
Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.
Just me and George alone?
What did you have to say that for?
No, no, no, this is just cranberry juice.
Yeah
Why not?
So what? 
Jerry!
Oh. Thank you.
You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.
Yeah, exactly, the 'triangle' guy.
What's that?
yeah, well I just hope I run into her again ok, cause I will never forget that flinty voice, it is tattooed in my brain if I hear it, watch out So listen what happened with Jane last night? 
I'm just waiting for my friend George, we worked out together.
Fine... (Toby sits and waits for Elaine to speak.) How are you?
What?
Yes! Grace!
Kramer, it's...
yeah.
See, what did I tell ya?
 Yeah.  Who sent you that one?
Yes, yes.
She died!
Yes. Yes  I ran into her today.  This woman has never, not once, ever, as long as I have known her, worn a bra.
(horrified) Huuh! (she turns away and covers her mouth)
Then why are we calling?
Are you okay, Mr. Peterman?
(reading) A tempting schmear of authentic Jewish delicacies.
Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. No call the day after that.
Yeah, we got out to dinner a lot. Usually Chinese, well sometimes Thai. And we go to the movies, Arnie's a real film buff.
Oh yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy, it's explosive, it's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of (makes hand motions) does it's own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollor idea right there. Just sell the tops.
Wha-You never see him. He sidled me again in my office. I was sitting there making Cup-A-Soup singing that song from 'The Lion King'.
I know, I know, this is it. (points to a door.)
(Definite) I'm not gonna sleep with you.
What IQ test?
[To Jerry] Oh, remind me to talk to you about something later.
Milk?
(animated, but quietly) No, no. Not friends.
Well what about the sleeping arrangements? In the Cabin!
Yeah.
Ye.
Ummm, I love the smell of bakeries.
What's going on here? How do you think this happened? 
'I do now.'
So how was work? Another day, another dollar?
Well, he's having a two day book signing at Waldens.
I once broke up with a guy because he didn't keep his bathroom clean enough.
'You can't find beauty in a man?'
Tomorrow . 
Yeah, that's funny. (annoyed)
Yeah, but why? I mean, ya know.
George, are you going to put her on the phone?
So what did he have to say?
God. Man, this is killing me. Right now, I would give that bike to the first person who could make this pain go away.
Fine, fine, fine.
Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?
I'm tellin' you Jerry I'm gettin' a vibe. If I didn't know better, I'd say the staff completely lost respect for me. (Staff mocks her dancing in the background)
Well, at the latest. Oh hang on a second, I gotta another call. </font>
When do you take this exam?
Hey! See these? (raises her foot so her new hirachis can be seen) Cinqo de Mayo! Sales commission, bye-bye-o! (waves)
(to flight attendant) Hey, you gonna bust out that drink cart or what?
What do you mean?
Hey, what if he's married?
Stop it! That's not even a song! I mean, now we're celebrating a sick day?
What did she say?
Yeah? Well, you can kiss that jacket goodbye, Mr. Von Nozzin.
Dick? He can't drink. He's an alcoholic. I told you to hold it.
You're telling me.
What's the difference?
What shoving?!
Well, it's the second row. It's just as good.
(Sarcastic) Oh. 
Why should you get the first class?
They're um, Botticelli's.
Yeah I did. He was very talented. He was, ah just, I don't know a little too...
What does that mean?
I don't know. 
the four of us are going out Saturday right? That should be fun 
Yeah, nice to see you, too.
Nope.
Well, you know, grace is a tough one. I like to think I have a little grace...not as much as Jackie -
Kramer, Kramer, can you do this at home? I've got, I've got work to do, okay?
Mr. Pitt, why would you want to hold onto the ropes on the Woody Woodpecker balloon?
Well we could ...
Oo, I better call that woman at Doubleday and see when I can pick up Mr. Pitt's racquet.
 Not, my Tim Whatley?
Why?
Jerry! There is no confusing *that* move with any other move.
What, you never said it?
Get out!
Ah! (Jerry has a surprised look) I've got it! I've got it! We're calling just to say, 'I'm there for you.'
Start smoking.
Well, see, it's... businessmen taking siestas. You know, it's the, uh, the Urban Sombrero.
Hello?</font>
So he was bad. What d'you care?
All right, sir.
Actually, I remember this one time, um, this is funny. Um, we went to see the movie Striptease. I don't know if you've seen... doesn't matter. Anyway, I was whispering something to Beth, and Arnie leens over to me, and he goes, 'Would you SHUT UP?!' I mean, he barely even knew me. Where did he get ah-- But they're nice people. (Elaine tries to smile realizing her mistake)
I thought I was alone.
I think I'll let you do it.
Would you grow up, George?! What is the difference? Nina slept with him (Points to Jerry), he slept with me, I slept with Pinter. Nobody cares! It's all ancient history.
That's a good idea.
Hello?
Cookies?
uh huh (very quietly)
I tell you what, I'll get the popcorn and the soda.
Yeass.
Yep. Yeah..
He's not my boyfriend. 
Mmm.
You think that could be a coincidence George? Is that possible? 
Yes.
Hey, George, we saw your father on the street before.
Is that something?
Oh well nothing wrong with that. Gotta make those big bucks. . . . money money money money money money money . . . ha ha ha ha ah . . . are you a communist?
You know, we had a really bad break-up.
I was at Bloomingdale's... waiting for the shower to heat up.
Oh yeah, I told him all the time. You would not have believed his tub. Germs were building a town in there ' they were constructing offices. Houses near the drain were going for a hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
What? 
Four hundred a month? Only four hundred a month?!
Ya know?
George, are you going to let me talk to Susan, or Not?
Hot and heavy? You said hot and heavy?
Oh, Kramer, it's just awful.
What?
Oh, my God.
Mr. Peterman?
(getting up to go) Uh.. Listen, you're picking me up from my (place tomorrow)--
Jerry, it's like the feeling is palpable. You think it could have something to do with the party?
Well, you're basically a doctor. Right? I mean, people do call you doctor.
No, the Green Lantern.
What? What is nice? Trying to fill the void in your life with flour and sugar and egg and vanilla? I mean, we are all unhappy. Do we have to be fat, too? Not you Becky, I know you have a slow metabolism. I don't want one more piece of cake in my office!
What?
I would, but I have to pick up Ed at the airport.
Why not?
Where's Karen?
One drink like that and he could fall right off the wagon.
Oh, very nice.
Yech, look at this ashtray. I hate cigarettes.
Would you shut up? These are great! You can't get any better than this.
Joey? Joey?
Oh, that is such bologna. I shave my legs. 
No.
No, I talked him into it.
Really.
Fat.
A Mohel! What the hell is a Mohel?
Tom Hanks? After me you're picking up Tom Hanks? I love him. 
you know what, it's getting late, can I call Tony? 
Knopp? Really? Boy. That means there's an opening here for senior editor...has Lippman, uh, hired anyone?
O.K., fine, I have...no grace.
Oh. Alright, I'll do the best I can. (Turns up the radio.)
(on phone)Hello, yeah, hi. Uh, is Miss. Landis there please. Wa? Oh, Gosh, ah ok, she'll be in later? OK, thank you. Uh. (to Jerry) This guy said she hurt her arm playing tennis. ... Pretty bad.
 I think this is the same one I gave him.  He recycled this gift.  He's a regifter!
(interrupting Jerry's conversation) Oh, Jerry!
Hi.
Well by now, you think people would be a little more open minded.
What else did you tell (reaches over to slap Jerry) him. (does it again) The two of you must have had *quite* a little chat!
Then, after a period of being 'there for you', we slowly remove the two words 'for you', and we're just (Makes a 'ta-da!' gesture) 'there'.
Oh hey! How things doing in accounting?</font>
Yeah.
No, I really don't want to.
(RE: CAR) There it is!...No that's not it.
So did you hear this message?
I dunno.
(mouths silently) That's perfect!
What about me?
Oh god, oh, its you! You scared me!
I will buy your popcorn and soda. We'll call it even.
George!
Yeass.
(Interested) Oh?
Hey!
So what did you say? 
You know I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.
I'm good.
Yeah.
I still don't see what the big deal is.
Is that something?
OH, AH! OH! WOW! WHOA! A COMMIE! Wow, gee, man it must be a bummer for you guys what with the fall of the soviet empire and everything .
(upset) Yeah, the Jujy Fruits.
(saving Jerry from Leo) Jerry, Jerry. Did you taste these peas? (to Manya) These peas are great!
Find out if likes you?. What, are you in High School?...George come on can't you just talk to her yourself? 
And I'll be right upstairs?
Huh, lookit, you got the new catalog.
What did you do that for?
I don't have a boyfriend.
Hey.
Okay, I've got five, huge boxes of (buttons).
Ah, it's George. I bet you this is somehow George related.
Well, can I introduce you as doctor?
The executor? Of what?
Well, just tell him you want the SAAB.
Would you just, let it go?
50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?
No, I don't want the man either.
Well, she didn't ask me what I wanted.
(CONT'D) Hey, watch it. ...Did you see that car? Maniac. Can you explain something to me? I got six questions wrong on my drivers test. That's the maximum. I read the book, I'm a college graduate. This is a country where fifty percent of its high school students can't locate Europe on a map. How are they all passing that test? It's a mystery.
It's just a Latin phrase George, it does not mean anything. Now, what is this test?
She.
When I was outside I ran into John Mollika.
I'm sorry honey.
You know karate??
You flew here coach.
I thought you hated Los Angeles.
He was a fat, starving artist, y'know. That's very rare.
Where am I going to find a Mohel? (LOOKING THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES, MUTTERING) Motels, models... How do you find a Mohel?
(realizing he caught her) Yeah. Yes it does... 
(to the saleswoman) Excuse me. Where did this come from? 
Really!?
Well, I have no intention of 'getting' grace.
 Yeah, perhaps.
I had this dream last night and you were in it.
Huh, yeah, I know. It's not very flattering.
Because of all the pistons and the lube jobs?
Three hours of sleep again last night.. Three hours of sleep because of that dog.
Nothing.
 Alright, there's no---
(worried) What? What?
Well, I am the President.</font>
Okay, okay. Rule Number Two. Spending the night is optional!
I thought you had done this before.
Well, I don't know. I may never marry. It might be the closest I get.
Really!
There is no he.
All right. He kissed me. Okay?
I could've been at my boss' son's bris right now.
Uh, that's, ...
You left your door open.
Yeah! 
[exasperated] George, you're sappin' my strength.
The turbo quadramatic transmission offers you the power and prestige to propel you well into the 21st century.
I faked it.
Oh, a puffy shirt.
I don't know, what were you doing opening her medicine cabinet? 
Andre? 
Yeah. I think it will be a very smooth transition for you.
(gasp) An accident? What happened?
Well, he was with someone. A man... In a cape.
Well, they're real men, Jerry. They get sweaty.
Will you shut up? I can't hear!
Yeah, but come on . . .
Mmm... phenomenal peas.
Yes indeed.
Right above you?
Too good. Peterman was so pleased, now he wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow. Maybe you wanna come with me.
Well, Kramer was right. My friend Kim told me the sponge is off the market.
What if he tells John? Then John's gonna think that I think that we're hot and heavy. I don't want John thinking that I'm hot and heavy if he's not hot and heavy.
(not convinced) Ech.
What? Why not?
Uuh.
(weary) Jerry!
He's like a virus. He attaches himself to a healthy host company, and the next thing you know, the entire staff's infected.
All right, that's all I wanted to know.
There's a feather in your cap.
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!
Well, I have an idea. Keep the van, and get a bumper sticker that says, 'If this vans a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.'
Worked?
OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something...
He'd just be touching your back.
How could she forget I've been ordering lunch every day here for 3 and a half years?
Those school zones are a killer.
Oh, that sounds like fun.
Em, two women. It's, eh...lesbian wedding.
He's good.
No,
Well, this is so, amazing to me! Jerry what did do?
All right, fine. I don't care. If the plane crashes, everybody in first class is going to die, anyway.
'Oh, look at you, the Botticelli's.'
Anyway, he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should go visit him.
Don't worry. We won't forget!
(pulling on Jerry's pants from the ground) Jerry, can we go?
Hey Jerry, you ever seen one?
No no, no no. 
Oh, I was having lunch, and I bit down on the fork.
Oh...well...
Oh, he's a cute little shnugly baby.
Alright, alright, look - I don't have grace, I don't want grace...I don't even say grace, O.K.?
 Um, he said, 'Oh.  A label maker.  Howbout that?'
You were you, but, you weren't you...
Oh, I could never say anything to her about that.
Well, wait---wait a second.
Literally nothing. I sat in a chair and I stared.
What do you mean I can't bring in here? I live here.
Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what you're doing here?
Hey.
Well, well isn't the president allowed to do anything that they want?</font>
What about the kiss goodnight?
Oh. Oh, hi. China Panda?
(very dissatisfied) Why is everyone talking about 'The English Patient, it's so romantic'. (vehement) God, that movie stunk!
Well, how are we gonna do it?
Huh! Sexy?
Aha, yep. I'm the...eh...bes tman.
Between a peck and a make out.
(shrugs) Yeah. (beat) What makes you think anyone would want to go to a circumcision?
(laughs) What?s all this?
[in a panic] Me!? But that's three seats! I can't save three seats! I told you about that guy who tore up my winter coat!
Not bad huh?
You were snooping. 
CHOCOLATE BABKA! That's their specialty.
Oh. Ok. Thank you.
Yes.
Oh! I've got it! It's 'Next Stop Pottersville'! (Grabs the phone to call it in.)
Well, you had a good run, what was it 75, 80 years? Wreaking havoc, making everybody nervous.
Maybe coffee was coffee.
Really. Why?
Oh, we're neighbors. I'll be here all the time!
This dog in the courtyard across from my bedroom window that never never stops barking..
Oh please, Jerry, please please please, I can't sit with him, he tells these stories, it's gonna be awful.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do - I'm gonna do a hard-target search. Of every drug store, general store, health store and grocery store in a 25-block radius.
There's no Rubber Man.
I'm trying to get a little squirrel to come over to me here. I don't wanna make any big, sudden movements. I'll frighten him away.
You don't understand.  See, she hasn't changed at all.  She stole my boyfriend when I was in high school. (flashback sequence) I was at this party, and I was dating this *really* cute guy, his name was Tom Cosley, by the way, and she goes walking by, in this little floozy outfit, and he follows her, right out the door!
I thought my idea was just as good.
Opium?
No, I didn't hear anything. (she spots a familiar face) Oh, my God, look who's here.
Really?
'Elaine, ya gotta have a baby.' Ugh.
All right, Jerry, if that's not what it is, you tell me. What is it?
Should I do it, George?
No, it could get sexual.
Ah, you don't know anything. You see, 'I don't know anything', means there's something to know. If you really didn't know anything you would have said 'You're crazy.'
You'll do well, you're smart.
No, no, no, you don't understand! I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!
I know.
No, I'll - I'll put up one-fifty. 
Yes, it bothered me. So I bought a pair of shoes at Botticelli's, I'm not allowed to shop there? That really embarrassed me.
Yeah right, Salman Rushdie. Yeah well, I can see that - you got five millions Moslems after you, you wanna stay in pretty good shape.
Unh, something with his spleen.  Anyway it'll just take five minutes, O.K., and then, the hospital is right on the way.
What a sale, huh? And how about that store, delivering it tonight? We're gonna be swimming in 'thank you's...
Yeah.
I'm sorry. You can't tell me where the mannequin came from? 
Well! Well, it could be you.
Ugghh.
Could I have a box of Jujyfruits?
Yeah, yeah, right.
 Yeah, so?
I think, I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were standing there, you were looking out the window...
Yeah. Hah.
'He's smart....'
Isn't that a little...rash?
I told ya.
But I didn't know, Tom. I g -- can't you just make an exception? Please. I've got a nice face.
Ah hah.
Huh. Yeah thanks for getting us tickets too.
Uhh
Yeah, I thought you were being folksy.
Good day. </font>
It's brug-wa (?).
I... thought that I would meet you halfway.
(firm) No you didn't.
(looking VERY guilty) I went out with a (fake cough) a friend.
George knows that you slept with Nina. That's why he was acting so weird.
Oh, I remember seeing those guys picketing out there, but I haven't seen them in a long time.
Aah!
All right, I think I know where this is going, and I am going somewhere else.
I don't blame ya'
Oh, hi Mr. Lippman.
Like ...humm...How did she sound?
 Yeah, me too.
I don't understand. Before you were jealous of me. Now you're jealous of him?
Did you tell Kramer?
Anyway, I called him back... I told him I had to go visit my father in the hospital in Maryland. (George laughs)
What happened? What'd he say? (indicates pad) What's going on here?
Where did you get all these pictures?
Great... [To herself] Help me...
(points in the air as is to point out each things Jerry asked) Fake, fake, fake, fake.
Uh, o... (Remembers something they could talk about) Jerry's going to be on the 'Today' show on Friday.
What?
what, what is going on? what.. who is Andre? 
Yeah, yeah!
Okay, Kramer, that's enough. Mr. Pitt has got work to do.
Well, so enjoy yourself. (clink glasses) ha ha uh ha
These things happen.
Oh uh, I don't really eat dessert. I'm dieting.
Well some people drink coffee that late.
Well believe me this didn't happen overnight. Robert's not exactly a *one* *woman* *man*, if you know what I mean. No sirree Bob. Sure, I mean in a lot of ways, he's a typical guy, he likes his sports, but he counters that side with the side you see here tonight at the ballet, or the pleasure he gets in watching Ms. Liza Minelli belt out a few choice numbers. It's those two halves of his personality that just come together to make him the very special guy that he is.
(overly excited) We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this is going to be great!
I lost my voice screaming at this thing. I can't sleep. I can't work. I mean, I just moved. I can't move again. What am I gonna do? What? What am I gonna do?
Hey man, women are really loyal to their birth control methods. What does Susan use?
I'm leaving.
How do you know that?
Her birthday's comin' up, see, so I decided to get her a little present.
(deadpan) Oh, I don't know what I was thinking.
(pointed) Yeah, right. The dentist thing.
Ihat's impossible, I've never done a drug in my life. Dr. Strugatz must have made a mistake.
Yeah! You're probably right.
The New Yorker has poetry.
Mister Peterman, thanks for having me over. Your place isn't quite what I imagined.. (It's plain, with no sign of Peterman's personality)
Are you okay?
Alright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm doin' it.
(as Darryl opens his door) Hey.
I wouldn't be comfortable.
Wha'd you get on your SAT's?
Sometimes I've given my number out to guys and it takes them a month to call.
Ok, well why don't we just put these two tables together?
Yes! Couldn't you see that?
Jerry, my leg.
Ya.
Well I trust people not to do that. 
(irritated, but still polite) Well, is there somebody around here I could talk to who would know? 
No, really.
Oh, gorgeous, yes.
I have no chance, do I?
So you're concerned.
 What do you mean?
You turned around and you had these wooden teeth.
Oh, hi honey.
No. If you tell him to do it, he'll never do it.
Yeah, but...*I* like the move.
Ohh! Well, you're just gonna have to hold this for me.
(seriously worried) Wha...?
No. We were both in the mood for one.
Hi Sue Ellen.
Oh yeah, sure, sure. So ah, did ya have a good time at the party last night?
Who's Reilly?
Well.
Oh yeah. (handing over money) There you go, keep the change. Bye now. I'll see you.
(looking guiltier) No, no...no.
He schnapped me.
What were your.. demands?
I know this sounds crazy, but the two men who are standing behind me are going to give me 50 bucks if I stand here and eat one of your eggrolls.
I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con dios.
No.
Um, uh, I was wondering if you got a chance to look at that , um, biography of Columbus, I gave you?
Really , like a... like a....(leans over to George and whispers) Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake.....Ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa.....
Of course I hear that.
(horrified) Get together!!
Showering?
Got to *love* the Drake!
Uuuhm, all the time.
Yep.. yep. Um, he's promoting a (pauses) benefit for Goodwill, you know, they, uh, they clothe the (clears her throat) poor, and the homeless..
(quietly) What?
Why?
(With her mouth full of Jujyfruit) Oh, that is so terrible. That is so terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people be so stupid? Just sickening.
Nice to meet you, Poppie.
It's all in your head. All she knows is she had a good time. I think you should call her.
Oh it was such a great night.
What? KRAMER:, I'll do anything.
Hey.
You don't know?
To Rava's house. I've gotta pick up her manuscript.
Ohh!
A very traditional, a very supportive, brazier.
Okay, alright. What's his name? Who is he?
Obviously, Mr. Peterman, there's something wrong with this test. I don't take opium. Let me take another one, please? I'll call the doctor right now, I'll take a pop urine test.
No! Not me pal. I can't keep this up much longer. I'm sick of being single. I'm getting out.
Well, (Clears throat) what part of your life (hits the record button on a mini-recorder, and sets it down on the table) do you want to start with? Foreign intrigue? Exotic romances?
(at the boy's back) This isn't fair. This is address discrimination!
I'll give you 25 if you let me do it.
Great music.
What could happen?
Do, do you?
(LOOKING AT FISH) I think they're laboring.
You know maybe he's been busy. Maybe he's been out of town?
Who was that?
Jerry saw this guy crash into a car, and he followed him.
Jerry? Jerry, tell them that funny story you were telling me--
Listen, Jerry can you do me a favor? (clears throat) Could you, go into the room with me to visit him because ah, I don't want him to think that I'm, y'know... interested.
(shakes her head) No, had no face, no personality. It was like a martian. But hey, you know that's me.
Isn't it obvious? This mannequin looks exactly like me. 
Sure.
You want one?
Well, I'm dating a communist.
 I don't know, I guess I'll just get invited up to his apartment and see if he's got a label maker.
(noticing Jerry not wanting to listen; annoyed) Jerry? Are you listening to me?
(sharp intake of breath) Hoh. Yes, yes, you're right. That's right. I'll bring her over to meet...
'Penthouse?'
Well, he doesn't even do it exactly the same. He--he--he uses a pinch at the end instead of the *swirl*!
Oh hey, can I bring David Puddy? He's a big Devils' fan.
Jerry...
Oh, no...please don't go. Please - please don't walk away.
Oh is that so.
(sobbing happiness) It's a tu-hur-bo.
Kramer, they're painted on!
They're my friends, but they act as if having a baby takes some kind of talent.
Hey, did you happen to speak to my friend George?
Ready.
How about, it sucked?
(laughing).
Ehnn! This chair smells like garbage.
I can't tell you.
I believe that's the new minimum wage.
Hey. Where's Puddy? The copy machine is broken. 
Ooh yeah, It's freezing. ... Hurts your teeth.
huh, Mine's 145.
Shhhhhh!!!
I wanted to check out my sunglasses.
Well, why didn't you say no!!
In the dark room? Uh no, no thank you. Not right now. I'm a day person!... Are you all right?
Must have been an accident...
And the indigent, yeah.. I, I do volunteer work for them. I-I set the whole thing up, and I got Jerry to do it.
What? Now he's a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist. 
You think it's effeminate?
(upset) Did you just roll your eyes at him? Because let me tell you something, if anobody should be rolling their eyes, it is me at him about you. 
Justin Pitt?
Kramer, what's wrong?
Answering machine.
Oh, why? I love it when guys call me the next day.
No, I was a fantastic beard. I held hands, I called him honey.
(to Kramer) ...Kramer.
(incredulity) Art Vandelay? This is my boyfriend?
Oh, thank you Mr. Peterman. (Drinks a glass of water) I'll be ready in three minutes.
(faked laughter) Oh, ho ha ha. No, no, I'm actually here to bid, Sue Ellen. I mean that is if anything is to my liking.
Yep! just you and Kramer.
(Jokingly hits the doctor) Whose tonsils grow back? (Laughs)
Oh.
All right! You're foolin' around with your maid. That is a wise decision.
It's supposed to feel good.
It,s, it's up to you.
I'm tellin' ya' somethin' is goin' on. He never likes anything I recommend. And then that lunch thing.
Why don't you just go ahead and call him?
What's going on?
No George, it's so funny. We saw this cab driver's picture, right?
Well...
Oh, (nervous laugh) my stop. (making her escape) Bye-bye. 
I mean, stranger things have happened...
Uh, I couldn't look. It was like the Pekinese.
So when do you think you're gonna get outta here?
Yeah, that's pretty cool isn't it?
 Oh, he did some dental work for me and he didn't charge me so I thought I'd get him a Christmas present.
You know, it's strange, because he's such an honest mechanic.
Anyway, Mr. Costanza, what I want you to do is to come to the shop with me and tell me what they are saying. You do speak Korean?
I've got an alarm, ok?
(to Rava) So, the meeting with Lippman is all set. He's the editor-in-chief! I think because of your request-
(pleasantly surprised) Oh my god!
What are you talking about?
Why? Because I can?
Ah hah. Well, listen. You would be wise to keep your distance from him.
How 'bout this one? How 'bout, 'Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent.'?
Definitely. (Runs into bookshelf)
(aside) Huhh, getting the short end of that stick.
Oh, you know I wear these shoes all the time.
Congratulations, Mr. Lippman.
Okay. (Takes a drink and wave Jerry to lean in) I slept with the groom.
Did you see that?
Oh, wow, these are nice. Do they have any cultural significance?
I stopped at the club to see him and I was standing in the back while he was on, right?, and there was this tape recorder there and I.....got this impulse. Ha Ha Ha Ha....What?
Hi!
Oh yeah, blame it on me because you can't drive, George.
(frustration) Ugh!
Well I don't know, you just don't seem yourself?
No, these are saved.
Ohh, yeah. Yeah.. yep.
I am not going to ask him about funguses. 
oh wait, you're giving me a lift home right? 
Oh, we forgot to pick a number.
What are you saying, that I'm not good enough for this hideous dress? (looking at her name tag) Listen Natasha... I wouldn't be caught dead wearing your crummy little euro-trash rags. (to George) I'll meet you outside. 
'Mrs. Onassis's'? That's hard to pronounce.
Well, your mother must be very proud of you.
Kramer, Kramer, are you okay?
All she'll think is that you like her.
Oh it was such a great night. Oh.
Uh-huh.
What does he do?
Well, Mister Peterman, do you want to, um..
Hey, working out?
(Squints, imitating Puddy) The squinting? 
So, how is a guy like you not involved?
You are paying a woman to come to your house and sleep with you.
Then why get the massage?
Well, it's, I really wanted to see Prognosis Negative with Jerry, uh, you wanna see Ponce de Leon?
What do you know. You've never worked in an office. (TURNS TO GEORGE) See, George, you've worked in an office. Jerry thinks I'm over reacting but you understand, ... LUNCH!
You get out of here!
Anyway ... So John told me that Richie is in town from Los Angeles and he's really messed up on drugs. So I told him that he should do an intervention.
Just ask him if he wants a to get together.
Help him move? Move what?
A bubble?
Oh, Cheryl, can I ask you a legal question? Um, I'm being sued.
Aha ha ha (laugh)
Jerry, listen, it wasn't you. I just didn't have 'em back then.
Hey. 
Well, you shouldn't get your hopes up, Toby.
Oh, you have to lie.
At the movies.
I told ya'. He has ideas.
Mr. Pitt, do you need anything?
uh, ha.
That's despicable. How does he know how all coffee drinkers will vote? I'm a coffee drinker. If I was on that jury I wouldn't give you a nickel Kramer.
They're going to promote me to editor.
Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone!
If he wanted to ask me out why didn't he just ask me.
(half under her breath and half to Jerry) I... hate that woman.
Yes! I think I am better than the mollusk!
Oh he's not. He's very harmful.
I still have my tonsils. Everyone in my family has their tonsils. In fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anyone who didn't have their tonsils.
I cancelled. Hal sent a mattress to my apartment. The nerve of that guy.
It's the new look. You know Heroin Cheek?
Oh, congratulations, Adam. (Adam zealously French-kisses Elaine)
He used to be called Peter.
I offered them 25, they had no idea...
Right. African.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Now listen , promise me you won't tell him Okay.I want to have a little fun with this.
Yeah.
That?s a good question, good question, its very... exerstential! Who are you? Who am I? Yeah, well.
What, is that a rule?
Well it's all taken care of. I filed a report. An investigation is underway.
Yep.
Well I have to interview a Mohel.
so listen, what happened last night with Jane? 
I-cu-di-ge--You think I should go and ask her for hers?
Nothing. (Mr. Pitt comes in with some papers in hand.)
I can't believe they made the Wife the killer. (putting on gloves) Gimme a break.
What about ponies? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies...
Well, she wants you to like her.
Oh I did?
It works.
Just imports? No exports?
get, um, started..
(giggles)
(Stares ahead, again, imitating Puddy) The staring? 
(in her mind) That's true, maybe he's not married.
What? A health plan?
What did he do?
Why are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up to forty.
Huhuhuhuhuhuhu (laughing)
Dinner's good.
So, what did you say?
Well, I ran out to apologize to a virgin and I crossed against the light and I knocked over the delivery boy.
Y'know I can think of at *least* six known offensive odours that I would *rather* smell than what's livin' in your car.
Where's your bathroom scale? (Jerry looks at her like 'where do you think?' Elaine and Jerry both go into the bathroom) Oh my god, I've gained seven pounds.
Yes, it's a must lie situation.
Yeah, he did.
Or you.
Boy, I'm really looking forward to this duck. I've never had food ordered in advance before.
You need something to sit up. Why don't I get you a pillow?
So how long have you been a Devils' fan?
Yeah, yeah. Uh, uh listen Mr. Costanza, if uh, if you do this for me I'll get you a manicure, I'll pay for it. Or you can get a pedicure if you want.
I don't really know why I'm here. Kramer talked me into coming up here. But, obviously, I could never really do anything.
Hello.
Boy, you're really getting into this aren't you?
I don't buy it.
(Mock sympathy) Well.. David, it happens.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh trust me. He's a bad seed. He's a horrible seed. He's one of the worst seeds I've ever seen.
He's got a back problem.
Nothing, nothing.
Okay, Jack. (to the cashier) Can I use your phone?
Sue Ellen! If she knew, she'd call off the whole wedding.
Oh, that is so sweet.
South Africa.
And scuba diving.
Oh! I tell you what. How about if I come back here first and I clean everything up and I open up the windows and if you're still not satisfied we can switch apartments for the night.
Oh! That was nothing. So listen, what about this bald thing?
Yeah, but he want's you to be a part of it.
Hey Kramer, Kramer!
No, I really don't.
Oh, sure.
Oh, nothing, I just stopped by to chat, you know, shoot the breeze.
[stopping someone from sitting in the seat next to her] No, *TAKEN*, Taken, taken. [to George] [shrugs] I'm getting the hang of it.
No. I don't think I should go. I really don't wanna bump into Russell. He called me the other day. He won't quit.
I'm sure they're not.
Mmm
you know I hate to tell you this, but it's time to defrost that freezer 
No, no no no, no it's not fair. Just because they have a ticket doesn't mean they were here first. We were here, and we were ahead of them, and them, and her. Come on let's just go ask 'em. Come on. . . . Excuse me.
I don't know what your parents did to you.
Oh.
James! Ah, ha, Hello! Phew!
It... works!
(big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you!
Okay. So, I'm dating Art Vandelay. What is the problem we're discussing?
(After observing Peterman's home life) Well, I - I got ta tell you, Mister Peterman.. I don't think I see a whole book here.
Yeah.
Mr. Peterman, here are these pages that you wanted.
(Shrugging) I thought all guys do that. 
(in her mind, cynical) How long do I have to hold this?
Oh-ho-ho. Oh.
Huh.
Jerry, He's A GUY!
And you feel you're not really ready for,...
(Full of guilt) I know! I screwed up. It's all my fault. Would you call her?
It's me. 
Yeah.
I gotta go return something...
What's with him?
I don't mind skunk.
(to George) Are you happy now?
No, I don't think so.
Right after ... that ...
Hey.
Paccino's? Oh no. You should never order pizza from Paccino's.
'Hey! Hey! listen ... Do one of you guys know that ..that blond guy who's always on the exercycle at the health club. You know he's just really handsome?..'
Yeah? Well, we're gonna kick your butts tonight.
Uh, so, anyway, I'm sorry for wasting your time.
What I mean who ever heard of this anyway? Suing a company because there coffee is too hot? Coffee is supposed to be hot.
Nothing. He walked me home.
(loudly, for the benefit of Sue-Ellen) Oh. Those are handsome. Look at that set. Yeah, think I might bid on those.
Because it's really nobody's business.
Yeah, like you must procreate.
Yeah, we're good friends.
I love shrimp! (Waves her knife around as she's talking) I'm a shrimp eater. You put shrimp infront of me, (Waves her knife along with her hand gestures. Alan is getting edgy about it, and even more so with every wave) and I will eat it until my stomach pops! (Notices Alan's unsettled) Oh.. (Puts the knife down)
After one date!
(screams).
Vivian left me a message. I guess a certain someone changed her mind about whether someone was responsible enough to watch certain other someone.
Do you know what 'Jerry' is in Indian?
Well I've asked every one at work and nobody gets this cartoon. I mean I don't understand why no one can explain it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
Maybe.
'Cause Richie really respects you and he would listen to you.
What happened to you right here? (She pointing to her forehead)
Great, great.
I'm sure you could.
Oh, no, he couldn't get them. We're not going.
Can we do this later, George?
Jerry, this is not a crush. This is a complete fixation. he makes me very uncomfortable.
Okay, listen, Jerry, you just catch up with me okay? You can just follow the trail of blood.
Are you alright?
What is this about? 
Oh, my god! A couple, but 7 pounds. How did I gain 7 pounds?
hey you got a problem with Tony? 
I was a great admirer of Mrs. Onass-sis-sis-sis...
He's incredible.
Yeah, do you have any Today sponges? I know they're off the market, but...
(after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about?
(sighs) Yi-yi-yi.
You know, a friend of mine almost got beat up at that place by the Van Buren Boys?
What? (with arms crossed, she turns quickly and... )
It's that bad? 
Who is it?
Hello boys.
So you consider this a relationship?
It felt like a couple of levels.
I'm in awe of his intellect, when he talks it sounds like he's reading from one of his novels.
Oh right here (giving out paper napkins to Mel and Jerry and herself)
(Handing the phone over to him) I was just trying to help you.
Roy!
I *loooove* horse manure.
(on buzzer) Meh.
Well... the counter...was right there, and...
No problem.
Because, the owner contributes a lot of money to those fanatical, anti-abortion groups.
Oh, congratulations
I didn't get that joke either.
'You know that just admitting a man is handsome doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual.'
Yes.
Um, I don't know. I've never really seen it.
(Mocking) Jackie says the top was faulty.
(concerned) What? Lloyd is here?
Ah! (explaining, with hand gestures) How 'bout this? How about, he's thinking of quitting the exporting, and just focussing in on the importing. And this is causing a problem, because, why not do both?
Yeah.
'There' is, um.. anywhere you want me to be..
Oh, it's been done to death. (smiles)
(Leans in close) Between you and me, what happened there with the stabbing?
Kitzmiller.
And I think he's been telling his friends. I got invitations to six more Bar Mitzvahs. (phone rings)
No.
(Between laughs) Jugdish.
(to George who just came in) Hey! George, Janet looks very nice and she's quite a handsome woman.
I know, it's not that.
I don't know.
Oh, dammit, you know I just remembered I gotta go, I left something on, the gas, the lights, the water in the tub. Something is on somewhere so I?m just gonna get the uh..
What about the party? What about the Drake?
(to Kramer) Hey are you gonna go?
You are kidding. That is amazing. (She pushes Jerry, Jerry falls back into Kramer.) I just took a car service from work and to get the driver to not talk to me, I pretended I was going deaf. 
I don't get it. I, I've been doing the same exercises. I haven't been eating anything different.
ok, Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like 
It is funny.
Yeah, I know.
A case! A case of sponges? I mean, uh...a case. Huh. Uh...how many come in a case?
What? No, no, I'd rather...
 Sue Ellen Mishke?  Ah, alright, send her in.
You really think he wants the bike?
(irked) Oh, what? You don't like that suggestion either?
How do you like working there at the .... hum...Andover shop? I mean it's a pretty swanky upscale clientele.
Yeah. The only think that saved him is that he accidentally flashed their secret gang sign.
Why are you so concerned about this?
The cat.
(Pointing out) Isn't that from your act, like, ten years ago? 
(in her mind) Married. That's it, I'm chucking the flower. (she does)
I did.
Oh. Have you been out?
Look at that guy's dog. I hate it when their ears get flipped inside out like that. Why doesn't he fix it?
So listen , what about this girl on the tape recorder?
Well, he's not a baseball player.
Well, that is, that is strange.
No, I'm sorry, these are taken. ... They're in the lobby buying popcorn. ... What are you doing? These are taken, these are taken!
No!
(gasp) Oh, my *God*! I hardly recognize you! You look so...
Absolutely.
Why don't you want to take a civil service test?
So, I found out who supplies the mannequins and I called 'em up. 
It's us.
No, no, it does!
Thank you, Julie.
Hi Paul! It's Elaine calling! Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone so I don't really have time to talk. Is, is, uh, Noreen there?!... Oh. She's not?! (hurries to put phone down) Okay, great. Well you can just tell her I called, then, an'-- Well, yes. It has been unseasonably cool lately... Oh, okay, well, look I'm pulling up to the building now. So, I'm gonna... (a little later, Elaine is sitting and looking very bored) Yeah, I took 20% too... Um. Look it uh... (turns hair dryer on and off) Paul. The... car seems to be running out of gas so... I'm gonna... have to get off the phone. (hangs up)
No way.
'All right, I'm gone'
Alright, you almost ready? Cause Jerry and Kramer are gonna be here any second.
Jerry? Jerry!
No it's not.
And I could just be there. (Adding) For you.
What? Was she just so crazy in love with you that she just couldn't take it anymore? Or..?
No! It's an isolated, sexual incident. We are not back together!
Where did that come from?
Vivian, hi it's Elaine. Yeah, I'm over at Jerry's, I got your message...What? Yeah, he's right here, hold on...(hands the phone to Kramer.)
Hey, what if I got my, nose pierced? That would be pretty freaky.. Oooohhhhaaa! (sliding off Jerry onto the hallway floor)
(shouting up) Jerry! Jerry!
Hey! Fold your dog's ear back!
Come on tell me what happened.
What?
 Oh, excuse me.  (gets up to talk with Jerry)  What have you been doing, I've been smacking myself senseless.  People think I'm a mental patient.
All right.
Oh, you're never gonna find a space on Jerry's block, just put it in a garage.
Uh.. I?m Elaine!
Listen, lemme ask you something. When you're with a guy, and he tells you he has to get up early, what does that mean?
Oh didn't work. He caught me hearing. Alright it's terrible, but I'm not a terrible person. 
oh yeah, oh.. like you're one to talk 
Hi.
What?
(to Jerry, indicating Kramer) Yeah. This is gonna work out just fine.
(to Jerry) What? What'd you say to the doorman?
What the--
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Sixty?! Uh...well, I'll take three.
(big fake smile) Lloyd, yes. Hello.
Hellllloo.
It took him like ten seconds!
(definitely irritated) You know, it seems to me that it's all you, and none of my ideas are getting in. You know, I mean, you just know it all and I am Miss Stupid. Right?
except for Jerry!(laughs)
(Flustered) Oh, I'm sorry. (Doctor exits) I just.. have to ask that doctor one more question. (Leaves)
But, that didn't happen to you.
I don't know. Chuck it?
Well, You might wanna think about...maybe, eh...moving your arms a little when you walk.
Ressurected! And look what I pried off of his bumper, a Jesus fish!
Where did you go?
Ooh! This isn't moving! I could walk faster than this.
I don't know.
Yeah. Well, there is one little problem.
Alright, oh Jerry, we're still on for Friday night, right?
These two and this one. ... No! Don't come over here! These are taken. Go! Go! These are taken! They're taken! THEY'RE TAKEN!!!
A *lot* of weight. (enthusiastically)
I don't know. They wouldn't tell me. (Jerry is not listening, he's looking at two women sitting in the other booth) Jerry? Je... Hello? 
But...Jake...
Yeah.
How'd you manage that.
Yeah, tell 'im George.
That's just because your a jackass.
It was no big deal OK? I mean we fooled around, then we went out and grabbed a little dinner.
No.
You? I'm more responsible than you are!
G'night, Jugdish. (Laughs)
Um, David, you know what? Can you come help me fix the copy machine? Come.
Enjoy. (she leaves)
You didn't hear me buzzing?
Are you serious?
 This guy's going off on the peanut.  Now pay attention.
He was in real estate, um, now, he's not working right now-
(thinking he's joking) Yeah. I better!
Oh come on, George, please put it in a garage. I don't want to spend an hour looking for a space.
Oh.
Oh, take 'em.
What? You're Cheryl Fong?
Wow...
If I hear about this pig-man one more time...
No. When I shoo squirrels away, I always say 'get out of here'. I never ever throw things at them and try to injure them like other people. 
Knocked you out Jack. Pair of deuces 
what? 
(Looking at Ben) Pretty gorgeous.
Well it did occur to me.
(sitting beside Jerry) He claims that you followed him home, and started harassing him.
What is that?
Uh, Mr. Costanza, I ...
Yeah. Well um, I was just curious if I were interested in availing myself of your services, um, what exactly would you do?
I got held up. Do you mind if I heat this muffin up?
Make it ten.
(reluctant) Oh, well... I, uh, actually Lloyd, Jerry and I have to sit in the front row, uhm, (desperately inventing) because uh, because, because he, he forgot his glasses. So uh, thanks for getting us... uhm, we'll see you afterwards.
Ohhhhh. You're....welcome.
Oh!!!
(to Jerry) What is she doing? She's starting in on the bidding now? (to Auctioneer) Eighty-five hundred!
No, I - I really don't think you can do that.
Oh, all right.
'Top of the Muffin to you!'?
You know, sort of swing them, so your not lurching around like a caveman.
So, anyway, I've been giving out your number as my standard fake.
Hey. I think you know Dr... Zaius.
(Talking to a co-worker) Of course Zach and I have been dating. What'd you think, I was the office skank?
Mm! To get what?
Yes, I can. Here. I'm outta here.
About three years.
Look at that woman.
Oh! really.
(barging in) Aw, now you talked her into getting a nose job?
He's sixty-six years old.
But last night you said you were free! (Sounding very disappointed)
Aha hu, You look *terrific*.
I don't eat Oreos.
But, Jake, I didn't...
Well, I guess I wouldn't eat here, then.
Y'know, um, you could use a little work on your manners.
Yes! You don't understand. I'm living with Ethel Merman without the talent.
No?
So, Kevin. If I don't want children, does that make me a bad humanitarian?
Where were you today?
(Gets up, pointing after Carol) Was that the one?! Was that the one who stabbed you?!
Me?
(coming in) Uh.. Hi, Peggy. Um.. Look, I should have said this yesterday, but--
Ugh!
Thank you...aah, hm mm.
Throw down your key.
Well yeah, I got him because he seemed so one-dimensional, I feel misled.
Oh, now it's moving. Oh, yeah. I knew it. Hey! Hey!
Where would I take the test?
Well, um, he, he got fired.
You're not serious.
Why?
Who has the remote?  (wipes a tear from her eye)
Do I think you're a clown? No, not if it?s bad to be a clown, if it?s bad to be a clown then you are definitely not a clown. But if its good to be a clown then, you know, I would have to rethink the whole thing.
Oh my god, I can't believe it! That is such a coincidence!
Yeah, last night. Oh, come on... Men *have* to get up early some time...
Yeah, and when I see freaks in the street I never, ever stare at them. Yet, I'm careful not to look away, see, because I want to make the freaks feel comfortable. 
(triumphant) Ha, ha, ha ha! 
uh? 
Me? Oh no, but I'd love to have a baby, I mean, I can't wait to have a baby. I'm just dyin' to have a baby.
Where?
Oh, see, this is the problem.
Why? Is it irrevocable?
Hey, did you make the movie?
(still in disbelief) You painted your face?
Mr. Costanza, I, ...
No, I'm sorry. I can't hurt a dog. I can't hurt a dog. I can't.
What? (Elaine puts her muffin in the microwave and sets the timer) What is the problem?
Twenty sponges should be plenty.
What statue?
Well, Sue Ellen, it's a, it's not a top, it's a bra.
Really!...Well actually yeah I did see this ......'mazing little black dress...it was sleeveless....
No, no.
You know what? Maybe I better talk to my friend.
You have a water bed?
Mr Lippman?
No no no no, it's just...
Kramer, my neighbor has a cat. When you blew the power, we must've shut off the automatic feeder.
So, listen, when this guy calls, if you could just give him my real number..
So, George... did you get the chair?
How do people fast? Did Ghandi get this crazy? I'm gonna walk around, see what dishes look good.
'Well'? We've been dating for three months. Between you and me, and.. anyone else you want to tell.
Cleaning supplies?
Hmm.
So what, Are you gonna ask her out.
You encouraged her to get one.
Well, go, go.
Yeah, I was really moved, *really* moved.
Ah hahaha hhuu ha (flirty laughing)
Who is it? 
Yeah. That's right.
Wel-Well, I just don't appreciate these little courtesy responses, like I'm selling you aluminum siding.
'Cause, I mean, when you get to know me, you'll see that I'm a pretty good humanitarian. (Waitress comes to the table and pours more coffee.) You are doing a wonderful job, by the way. Thanks a lot. (To Kevin) Right? Am I right? (Kramer walks by.) Kramer. Kramer! Come here, look at my new friend Kevin. (Kramer and Kevin shake hands.) Oh, you got a little, uh...
Pick. Up.
(smiling, flattered) Oh, ho, c'mon.
Yeah. See that--
Kramer...
Jerry. Oh there - -
I'll catch it!
(Exits, closing the door behind her) Oh man. Ugh..
That's cute. That's really cute. Oh! Come on! All right. Bye again.
No, that'd be too noisy.
Uh. Why? Oh, right. Um, well, he tried to poison his boss.
But I, I can't go alone!
Well, did he say that?
I'll pay for it.
The remote goes through the bubble?
Oh, like any man would ever look at me, come on, I?m gonna... get out of here.
Wow, well, I guess you don't have any advice for me on how to win the case?
Uh...sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.
Ah, This is... uh... you *really* lost weight.
Jerry! I'm *sure* I've seen men on the street early in the morning.
Oh, right.
Yeah, and I don't poof up my hair when I got to a movie so people behind me can see. I've got to make it up to this guy or I won't be able to live with myself. What can I do? 
I'm not being superficial 
Let's make it fifty.
Breathtaking? I'm breathtaking?
What would he be doing wearing your jacket?
Oh, well, come on. This is an apartment, this is a home! This is a place to live. Oooh, a fireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work?
We've got a good team.
You wanna go tonight? You can pick me up.
Why?
uh-uh. uh-uh. And this all means uh...what?
Yeah, twenty-five sponges is just fine.
You have a statue? I never saw a statue.
I'm sorry, but I didn't want Lloyd thinking I was leading him on again. Seeing him made me feel very uncomfortable.
Yeah..Yeah...
I am supposed to meet him to pick up your cigars.
Well, as you can see the comforter I expensed is actually the Aristotle goose down tunic. (laughs, modeling the comforter) What do you think?</font>
Right, so, I called my friend, you know - the one who set us up - I found out, he's a bad-breaker-upper.
Yeah, Kramer, come on in.
What did he do about it?
'It's me?' Isn't it a little premature?
Oh. Well, there's nothin' more sophisticated than diddlin' the maid and then chewin' some gum.
Hey. Taxi! Taxi!
Yeah.
Bummer...Okay , good luck finding her . I'm taking off.
Peter Jennings had one?
Well, I'm sure it wasn't *at* you.
Jerry! 
We certainly have. 
No! You couldn't wait to get back to your little... 'conversation'.
(encouraging) Don't forget.
Oh. Are you alright?
So? Where were you?!
Well. Well, I thought she did a pretty good Job..
It is me, you idiot. Hi, all right you've got to get out of here, I'm gonna baby-sit the hell out of that kid.
(clears throat) (to Jerry) Well, I'll tell ya, this sidler guy is really chapping my hide.
...Yeah, you're right. Well, will you at least keep me company until somebody comes out?
Yeah.
Hey, what do you think?
Such a long story, Cynthia, seriously, I mean he just had some problems at work.
George, come on! I'll pay for you.
Well maybe you should ask him!
(pointing backwards) Oh George, there's a space right there!
Se, now that?s terrible, that is not a nice thing to do at all, I don?t know how this Paliachi thing turns out but you know I would assume that there is big big trouble for that clown
Tell Ping I said hello.
I guess she didn't think it was funny.
Did he give you a reason?
Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?
(MUMBLES) That's just about enough
he's not a mimbo, he's an exciting, charismatic man he just happened to have a perfect face 
Alright, listen to this. Remember that guy I was telling you about at the health club?
(pointing at 3-D picture) Look, there's a spaceship! That is so cool!
Are you sure?
Why can't he play for us?
Ugh. So now we have to rearrange our lives to avoid the doorman?
Well, you can't walk around like that.
I'd have to think about it. I doubt it, though. I doubt it. I'll let you know.
Oh are you?!
Yeah. Just give me the whole case and I'll be on my way.
Since when?
Really....but I barely know you.
Your crazy!
Ninety-five hundred.
(answers the phone) Hello, Mr. Peterman, how are you feeling?
Hmm. Well Mr. Ipswitch since everyone of my expenses was obviously for a legitimate business purpose.</font>
(Fast) Well, you know when you break up, how you say things you don't mean? Well, he says the mean things you don't mean, but he means them.
(unsure) Oh-kay.
Well, this meowing is absolutely worst than the alarm.
Hah. She's not a 'me'. I'm a 'me'.
Yeah. So I've been here about six years.
Home.
Well, I think you should accept her for who she is.
 Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
He's acting very strangely. I think he started drinking again.
Really?
Jerry, there's got to be a way to find that out.
What is this? 
No way! 
Well, a lot of people have brown eyes.
Babs?
Uh-huh...
They deliver it.
(irked) I'm stuck here, editing the stupid catalogue, because of stupid Bob Grossberg.
You know, Jerry has one of those every time he bombs on stage.
(irritated, throwing down her bag) I had to ask Kevin, to leave his office an' come an' pick me up!
Ach, I don't like the sound of this one.
(testy, leans into Peggy's personal space) Look-it. It's not Suze. All right? It's Su-zie. My name, is Su-zie!
No no no, you're out, I'm in. Now, hit the road.
Well, he's getting credit for work that I did! He's gonna sidle me right out of a job.
Ohh.. my..
Huh?
(Starts to fake cry) Yes. Oh, man! Oh!
Hey, Kramer, what was it you were having faxed to my house every 30 seconds?
Yeah, that's what is, isn't it? A caper. Huh.
Yeah, well, he's in perfect health. He works out, he's vibrant. You'd really like him.
No, no, no, he's a really really funny guy.
No! I don't have to take it off, why should I take it off? This is ridiculous!!
You didn't even have to take it out to dinner.
Really?
Well, they have to give up some time, they can't stay out there all night?
Oh, no, it's fascinating, but could you do me a favor, could ya tape the rest of the pig-men and the women who love them discussion and I'll listen to it the next time I'm here. I've gotta go find a Mohel.
no it is not 
Yeah.
This is Aaron.
Yeah, see ya.
(pointing) Right here.
You are amazing.
We just got along *so* great.
What is wrong with George?
Because it's insane?
Hey, I'm not running in the marathon! He is!
Listen, there is something really suspicious about this guy. Every time Mr Peterman tries to assign him any work, he says he can't hear, and it all gets dumped on me.
Ah! Ah!ah!
What? Well, who's gonna do it?
The hat? Why do you need to see the hat?</font>
Dump him. I can't be with someone who doesn't break up nicely. I mean, to me, that's one of the most important parts of a relationship.
Hm. (looking at Kurt's driver's license photo) Hey, driver's license. Oh...my God.
Ah.
Yeah, how's the doctor date?
(moving Peggy's water to make room for paper on the desk) These proofs look pretty good. Oh. Can I move this? Yup. I think this will work.
Well , I just came from the gym , unless I can shower at your place.
I think it's a mistake.
 The dingo ate your baby!
No. I can't smell it.
Because I hate being at a table alone, with a married couple. Talking about their married friends, and their married furniture. They're always trying to make me feel like their life is so much better than mine. You know, I have a very exciting life. It's very exciting. (As she's closing the door to leave)
Yeah, of course, yeah. (blows her nose)
Oh great, thanks Kramer. 
AH! I've got it.
Oh, you did? (to girls) Oh, do you guys all know Jerry? 
But we were here ahead of you.
No. 
Grace?
No! No! You had wooden teeth! You had wooden teeth! I didn't have wooden teeth, you did!
Yeah.
(We hear what she thinks) Look at me....Look at Mee!. Come on. I'm stretching right in front of you. Heeeey!! ...a smile. Aah! we made contact, all right one more stretch and then go talk to him.
Hey Paula!.. I hear you been going out with George Costanza? 
Uhh... no.
Oh, no...that won't last.
Yeah! An' he is a friend, Jerry. He is reliable. He is considerate. He's like your, exact opposite.
Yank it like (pops open soda can) you're starting a mower.
You still couldn't kiss her?
Kramer is actually sleeping one off, so I thought that I'd help out...(Kramer moans from the bushes) what's that, some raccoon or something...(hits Kramer with a broom.)
Kramer, what is wrong with you?
My number? Ohh.. (looks at Kramer's business card) Okay.. Uh, well, there you go. (writes H&H's number down) And, uh, tell you what.. (looks at the board in the back) put a sawbuck on Captain Nemo in the third at Belmont.
Hey, Joe Mayo.
Nodding off!... Well, I was right. He's an adulterer. And he's cheating on his wife with me!
That seems about right.
Which ones?
Why do they call it a wedgie?
What the hey.
What do you think, would you go out with a sixty-six year old woman?
Pardon?
George, we are at a baseball game! This is America!
Will you just park it already?
Hey, does he ever talk about Superman?
Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not possible!
Well, perhaps one day when the pig-men roam free it will be stopped Kramer. Until then, off with their heads.
I think he does too 
I waited, he didn't show up. Anyway, this guy gave me an open-lip kiss.
Well...Poppie. I think differently.
No, no, unfocus.
No, no, no, I sensed something. I did sense something. I perceived a possibility Jerry.
All right. Let's do it.
Yeah, I got enough to think about just tryin' to come up with some load o'crap for that Himalayan walking shoe! I mean, I've given him a place to stay, I'll set an alarm, but I'm not gonna turn my life completely upside down for this guy!
I don't know. But I'd like to try that earpiece on, see if it's real.
Me? Why me?
What's with the claw?
What? </font>
Your hair. It's so thick and lustrous. I mean, it...it was.
(confused) Jimmy legs?
Well, she's very focused. Dermatology is her life.
You don't always smell someone from a drink.
Maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.
Yes, well, an ex-bullfighter now.
What did I think of it? (Manufactures a cough instead of answering. Kramer enters.)
I'll call the Food and Drug Administration.
Kramer, forget it. 
You think Ihave grace?
So he refused to tell you where he got the glasses?
So nothing! Nothing. (annoyed sigh)
'Aaaaaahhh! He is?!'
Everybody knows. y'know George told me he thinks you're totally cute and everything. 
Do you realize what you're saying?
(determined) Eleven thousand!
He's not ga-ga.
(pause) Bizarro Jerry?
Ohh. (trying to control the Water Pik and shut it off.)</font>
Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.
Shove it!
Hi Jimmy. (Jimmy kicks Elaine to the shin.) Ouch! (The screen door hits her in the head.)
Well, for starters, you're looking at note cards
Oh, fantastic.
So this is never gonna stop?
Um, well, he's got a lot of character in his face. Um, he's short. Um, he's stocky.
Well, I don't care, I'm not taking it off.
George, wait, you don't know who this guy is, people kill for a parking space in this city.
Hey. 
Oh, look at this... He's sleeping and I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major organ? I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for him... [To passenger on the other side of her, but still to herself] Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum-- that's helpful.
Oh, I know the type.
I can't believe it! You were *huge*! Like blubber! I couldn't even get my arms around you...
So we're having dinner tonight?
Jerry, that is so ridiculous. But, George didn't even have his glasses on!
Yeah I think he's right. I've never seen a ball man. 
So? We've always just kind've pecked. This one had a totally different dynamic.
The Supreme Court gives me the right to do that! Let's go Jerry, c'mon.
(answering phone) Hello? Oh, yeah, okay fine. Uh, he'll be right down. (to Pitt) Car's here to pick you up and take you to the meeting.
Look! Look at- look at this! There's a garden.
I realize that.
Dave, um, painted his face.
Oh, uh, ha, you've got dogs?
Hey, Jean-Paul.
Mr. Peterman, you can't leave.
Are you saying that I could be dating this hair? I mean wi..with you under it? (Kurt shrugs.)
(grasping the concept) Ohh.
(to Jerry) I'm gonna have to give that guy a taste of his own medicine, so, I am going to sidle, the sidler.
Yes, she's a dermatologist.
Oh, God, it's so hot! (Sniffing) What is that smell?
(from the street) It went in the sewer! (Jerry reacts)
How would you like it if someone told YOU the truth?
Jerry likes Morning Thunder.
Boys are sick.
He's got it.
(coming out of the shower in a bathrobe) May be she realized she could never have you and she jumped off the George Washington Bridge.
What about one drink? Would you smell it from one drink?
He thinks that if you're too funny, he might not look so funny.
No. 
Oh, yeah, right, that's something I do all the time, right. I make up stories to get ahead in lines at bakeries.
Just some?
(entering and sitting down) I should never have made that phone call.
Yeah, isn't that just like him? (she steps over Jerry's legs) You know, he has to be the only one who has 'em.
'AAaaaaahhh! Really?'(giggles)
Ha hum...Do you like George? 
Hello.
Oh, Kramer! Thank God. I really appreciate you doing this.
Bob, you know what? I'm kinda swamped here. You think you could give me a hand with some of the catalogue?
(angrier) Thirteen thousand!
(pause) Shouldn't he say 'Bad bye'? Isn't that the, opposite of 'Good bye'?
Oh, Brett. (indicating) This is Jerry.
Jer, do you see where this is going?
Hey, hey, hey!
I got all this junk at Cinqo de Mayo, because I was trying to show Putumayo how much business they'd lost. I mean, I been dancing (demonstrates dance) and strutting in front of their store for two days.
You can pick 'em up right now.
I'm sure she would apologize if she could. Probably somebody is holding her back against every fibre in her being.
Powerful. He is so powerful, he can lift a hundred pounds right up over his head. And um, what else. What else. Oh, right. Um, well, he's kind of, just kind of losing his hair.
His name? Name, um, his name was uh, uh, Eduardo Carochio.
No!
George?
Jerry! Of course he'd pay him a visit. You'd be happy to.
Well, (Smiling) where's my money? Who caved? 
Well, you know, I...
Oh, yeah.
Ahahaha. Well that's the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight.
Why? What's wrong? You're not still thinking about this afternoon are you?
So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference.
Yeah. I mean, his upper lip landed flush on my upper lip. But his lower lip landed well below my rim.
Yeah, the Poland Creek merger?
Yes I am.
(mind's voice from - ... ) SHUT UP! YOU STUPID LITTLE MUT !
Uh... sure/yeah..
Burma?
That's good work, guys. That aught to do it for today.
Tell her after sex, you just want her outta there?
Bore-ing.
Well, what did you intend, Hal?
Not with these honeys. ... Wrestling shoes!
There are plenty of things to say.
Yeah.
We just tease some one 'til they develop an eating disorder. guy who ruined his life.
Hey you know a friend of mine from work said that she saw George at the tennis match on TV yesterday. 
Wait, wait a second are, are you Barbara Benedict?
I thought George was meeting us here? 
Oh, Mr. Pitt.
Yes, she's very upset.
She's not Chinese?
What? (she slams the door shut before Kramer can exit) You told Jake I said hi?
Yeah, you can get a gardener.
'Oh! well I'd like, like to get to know him.'
No I mean...Do you like him or do you like him like him? 
I might be Elaine.
Dogs. Oh I love dogs.
Do you need anything?
Are you sure?
Kramer, you look terrible.
(slower and louder) I'm kind of swamped.
(vicious) Fifteen thousand!!
Uh. Does he live underwater?
Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.
Hey! Hold on a second. All right, look, I got an idea. Why don't you just show up early for your next date, sit across from each other, and see who the girls sit next to.
Where are we going?
I wonder if anyone knows he's here. If he just disappeared...would anybody notice?
Jerry, look at my fish.
No! No, no, no, he's not bald. He's balding.
Oh, hi. I'm Elaine. (Gets up to shake Sidra's hand, but stumbles and falls 'right into them.')
Me?
Nooo, the other thing.
Yeah. Definite moisture.
How can I go?
Y'know, my brother-in-law once left a message on this guy's machine, and he blurted out some business information he wasn't supposed to, and it would have cost him fifteen thousand dollars, so he waited outside the guy's house and when the guy came home he went upstairs with him and he switched the tape.
Oh! (rushing to the microwave) My muffin! (opens microwave door) Oh, shoot! (slams it)
Peterman is gonna kill me.
Mr. Peterman?
Oh, Eddie, well it's your first day.
I don't think so.
Can you believe this woman?
Custom designed?
Hey, you know what? Newman sent me an invitation already, to his party.
Hey, Jerry. I'd like you to meet someone. This is Jack. (Heraldic harp sounds as Jerry looks at Jack's face)
(Sees her enemy, Sue Ellen, at the airport) Oh boy. There's Sue Ellen. She didn't want me at this wedding, but here I am with a bunch of my idiot friends!
What was that?
George, please.
Jerry doesn't know Morning Thunder has caffeine in it.
Um, actually, I met him in Switzerland, and he was fighting uh, is that the word they use? Fighting? Because they don't really fight the bull, they avoid fighting the bull.
What're you looking at? 
Thank-you.
So anyway, I stood up to shake her hand, then suddenly I lost my balance and I fell right into her.
Our big screen TV is probably arriving right now...
Okay? That's it? I don't need a shot?
Yeah. 
Oh my god. I, I know you. I-I'm, I'm Elaine Benes. Do you remember we met at Linda van Grak's baby shower.
He's guarding a suit? 
I don't know, I never asked. She was yelling--
So. What is she?
And I am not coming back!
Hello (sees Landis) Oh, my goodness. What happened?
I can't believe you did that! Why did you tell him I said hi? I never said hi! (to Jerry) When did I say hi?
You can.
'Ha....'
Mulligatawny?
Ninety-nine percent sure?!
What's wrong with your shower?
Did you see that? Did you see that, Jerry?
Is he black..
Have you seen the chest of drawers that Brett gave to Kramer?
I'd stick.
And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.
Ahem. 646? What is this?
No.
Yup.
(sarcastically, to George) Stay!
*Get* *out*!
Oh come on, Jerry. Making to much of a big deal about it.
Yeah. Listen, I think he's giving me a big signal...maybe he wants to change our relationship. (The buzzer sounds, Elaine answers it.) Yeah?
Oh, that is soo nice (very elaborate nice) Aaron. Isn't he nice? (to Helen) So listen has Jerry been showin' you a good time?
Mr. Pitt, I do not think that is such a good idea.
Yeah.
(nods) HumHummmm.... 
Oh, Maestro.
Oh I don't know. I set this thing for 20 seconds.
Hey Jerr...
Why didn't you stop me?
Burma.
Oh, okay.
(interrupting) Yeah. I gotta be honest with you Kramer. You might be more than just a coupla tweaks away from a healthy relationship.
No. 'Suze!' I mean, 'Suzie!' 'Suzanne!' 'Suzanna.' Fine! But there is no, way, I'm gonna be a Suze.
Uh, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Yeah.
This was my idea you stole my idea.
So how's it going with my friend?
You sure?
No. And you should see him, man, he gets all hyper, he doesn't even know why, he loves it! He walks around, going, 'God, I feel great!'
I suspect that this guy I'm seeing might be drinking but I can't smell it.
Yeah
I just love meeting new people. You know that's how you really do learn about life.
(Smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. (Moving on to a new topic) So, my fried, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight. 
He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk out on his show, go see the other show.
So she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it.
I touched 'em.
So?
No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?
Yeah me too.
(pause, annoyed) Oh, how disappointed you must have been. (walks to couch, with her cereal)
Oh
You can tip a gardener.
Will you sit down? You're disturbing everybody. Sit down!
Oh! Who? The Soup Nazi?
Why don't you just go see Jerry?
Yes.
(points to Kramer and smiles in agreement) That's right.
Shall we stop and say hi?
(Confused by her reaction) You are?
Goodbye, Dr. Zaius.
I hate this place. I don't know why we came here, I'm never coming back here again.
I thought 646 was just for new numbers.
Ed's downstairs. CAn I have the car keys?
What?
(chuckles)
...and then the ball hits him in the head and he falls right over the railing!
Jerry, did you hear this? He couldn't eat for weeks...
Me?
Okay.
(examines card; embarrassed) That's very nice. Thank you very much. 
Hey, what happened to you?
No, no. (stamps foot) Kramer, you don't understand. He made the last contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand.
Enchante.
(pointing at Jerry) Don't say anything! Don't..say..anything!
(listening) A little.
Jerry, he wants me to run the catalog! It's crazy! I can't be in charge!
What am I gonna do? He is a disaster.
(pointing to the door, angry) Alright, get out.
(tense) I mean--what am I--some pom-pom-wavin' Backseat Bimbo?!
Oh, I love it. I'm glad . . . I kept it.
Well if that air is comming out of this face then it is my air and my idea.
What?
No.
My fish are dying right in front of me! We have to get someone to drive us around the parking lot to help us look for the car.
( to Kramer who just got in with his camcorder) Ooooh! You're taping.
(Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention) So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars. 
I...touched...'em.
If it attached itself to you, then... Oh, my God! That's why Carl said he had to get up early! Because I stink! Jerry, he thinks I have B.O.! Me!
So then why are you seeing her again...
So the trip was good?
Ilene.
Oh, you'll be playing ...
Jerry, you can barbecue back here.
Well I have to be going.
All right. I'll be back.
Maybe it just looks the same. Maybe it's just a coincidence.
Alright, listen, we'll have to do this again some other time, okay? I got a lotta work to do.
Oh. You know what? (indicates clubs) I'm gonna grab these from you later. You'll take care of 'em, okay? Okay. See you tomorrow.
Hey, have you seen Anna?
You gotta see 'em. Beautiful.
(impatient) Get out!
Yeah.
(handing over her money) Okay, one for Sack Lunch. (taking the ticket) It's good, right? (smiling) Yeah, good.
Come on, Sue Ellen. You don't wear a bra, you're tall... we hate each other!
Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember, it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a delicious and exciting adventure? And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.
Oh, it's a cake party. It's the third one today. I didn't realize how hooked I got on that 4:00 sugar rush.
No, no, no, no. It's not a new number. It's--it's--it's just a changed number. See? It's not different. It's the same, just...changed.
Got any asprin? (Finds some) Hello. Now, lookit, you guarantee this car will get me to the airport tomarrow? No problems?
Forget it. You are very careful with money.
Oh, you mean like this? So it looks like I'm saying something but I'm not really saying anything at all?
Jerry, ... He's a GUY!
Ha, I didn't mention it.
Well, yeah, he's fine! We took him to the emergency room, and you know, the x-rays were all negative. (beat) It was quite a day!
[annoyed] Excuse me, excuse me.
This is so ridiculous. Can we just go over there?
I had no idea I had that kind of effect on you.
Oh, they won't?
All right, see you later.
I, I don't think so. 
Well, this is a little awkward, isn't it?
Well, what was it? I mean, I was waiting.
Jerry, her brother just had a book of political cartoons published.
Hi everyone. Um, this is my friend, Frank.
Jinx buy me a coke.
(leaning against the refrigerator) Jean-Paul, it's not my microwave, ok? Ok? All right, listen, let's just go. Come on, Jean-Paul, let's go. Let's go.
Oh, hi Fred.
Mr Peterman! What are you doing?
I mean, I can't give people orders!
You know what? You are exactly right. That is what I should do, I should promote him. I'll give him another office on another floor and he can sit there with his nice title and his bayonet and stop freakin' me out.
Someone I know!
(surprise) Hey, what're you guys doing here?
Peach.
So Adam, I just talked to your father, and, apology accepted.
Yeah, flirted with the menu guy. Here. (hands him a large stack of papers)
I know!
Excuse me, we can't seem to find our car. I was wondering if it would be possible if you're not in a hurry, to drive us around the garage for five minutes so we can look.
Aah! Okaaay.
Just 'cause you have his keys? Why does he need yours?
I needed them to help me break my fall! If it hadn't been for them, I could have really injured myself!
Listen, I spoke to Paul an' Noreen. They might be breakin' up.
You know I, I have to say, I've never admitted this to anyone, but um, I kind of like airline food. (leans in and laughs, flirting with him)
Hello.
There are plenty of things you can do, there's chess and uh uh mah jong,
Nowhere.
Sure, it's...probably the same guy, who delivers the wood.
Oh, no. No. No. No. I got it.
I never saw the statue.
Alright.
Thanks for the dinner.
Alrighty, bye.
To meet George? I knew it. Where did they go?
And then he starts writing on my chart. 
(Toying with the idea) Huh.. alright. I guess.
Jerry, talk to that guy again.
I can't. I denounced them. Maybe I'll go raid Peterman's fridge. He's always got a truffle or something in there.
You know, I could've killed you, and no one would've known.
Because if there's even the slightest chance of any problem at all, I don't want to take it - because if I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle and out of my life, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me.
You asked me to.
Five minutes.
Okay, that's it. I think that's enough, see you later.
Maybe we're too close to the bottle.
Well so what. I mean you played first base. I mean they always put the worst player on first base. That's were they put me and I stunk.
I know! Can you imagine that?
[momentarily shocked, as if the answer were self-evident] You're talking.
I'm not going for this, Kramer should go! It was all his idea!
Bye.
Hi. How come you're wearing a hat? 
You know we were here, ahead of you.
I mean, maybe he wants to ask me out.
So, yeah, that's funny. Hey, you wanna hear something weird? Mr. Pitt eats his Snickers bars with a knife and fork.
I know I know. That is so ahh ......
(to Jerry) All right. We'll see you at the race, ok?
It's Elaine.
Huh?
(Just making conversation) Oh yeah?
I am not qualified to run the catalog!
No, still Sharon!
Yeah, I know. Uh, by the way, could you do me a favor and tell Mitchell Tanenbaum that I will be unable to attend this Saturday.
We're not wilding.
( to the camera) Hi. How 're you doin'?
That's ridiculous.
What?! 
Anyway...they're real.
Now listen Roy, tell me something. When, are you gettin' out of here?
Rene, can you come here a second? Let me ask you something: Ummm, have you ever... you know... faked it?
(as he touches her) Uhh! What are you doing? 
I, uh, I don't blame you Winona. I, uh... 
Well, maybe.
What?
Yeah, yeah. Oh, this is Ned. He's a communist.
... and biking and ..
So what if I do? (heads for the door)
Oh, damn, this place is incredible, look at all this great light!
Hey, I got it. Hey. Didn't you already get soup?
I don't know.
Hey Kramer, you know what? There, there isn't a light there, in the ladies' room.
Hey Todd. Let me ask you a question. Um. Was this whole date thing just a way of asking me out?
Don't you see? George is in the bloodstream! You stay away from him, too!
You can't change your chart. It's your chart. 
Hi. I'm your neighbour, uh, fr... from across the street. And uh, (coughs nervously) I was wondering, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, if I could use your apartment to order some food?
They make it longer?
Tell him we wanna catch a movie and that we're late.
I heard a little ping in the car last time. What was that ping?
HUH, so should you.
(CONT'D) Excuse me - I can't seem to find my car - do you think you could drive me...
ha ha well I know something about getting to first base. And I know you'll never be there.
No, it's not. You cannot not be funny.
Oh yeah? Can I see it? 
Because, he doesn't pay any attention to me, and uh he ignores me.
Yeah.
I'm not a very religious person but I do feel as if I'm in need of some guidance here.
Yeah, thanks. O.K. Bye you guys.
Oh that's cute! (closes door and exits with Jean-Paul)
How ya doin'?
Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything.
(Mock enthusiasm) Oh, that's dynamite.
Elaine Benes.
I am, but that is not the point. You are thirteen, and I am in my early... 20s.
(Recognizing him) Peter?
Uh...
It was weird because George and I get along so great in so many situations but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one.
(CONT'D) Oh that's funny? Is that funny? Well tell me if you think this is funny: These fish are dying! They're gasping for oxygen right now! They'll be floating in an hour. Is that funny too?
Wha- a picture?
I'll give you back your spare keys - but now I want mine back.
I think they might be real.
Okay, I'll tell you what. How about on Friday I take you out for a *big* meal because *you* are getting *too* thin...
See, now this is exciting! This is exciting! Did I miss anything already?
Really, like when?
Oh. Huh. Of course. Massaging. 
Are you out of your mind?! 
(pause) What do you mean?
Yeah, what?
Yep . . . a big communist, a big big communist.
... hiking ...
Hi....??? 
What'd they say? What'd they say?
Why? What happened?
Oh Jerry, don't blow this for me.
Oh. Oh God.
I mean Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars?
Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma, and now he wants me to run the catalog.
You are!?! 
You see, there's this certain flounder and they won't deliver it to my side of the street.
(shocked) Blaine!?
Beth, Arnie, hi. What's up?
Sam, listen I'm so sorry about the other day.
Anybody here? Peterboy?
Jerry, you cannot imagine how much I hate this guy.. and he hasn't even done anything! It's the situation. He's a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts!
I know.
What? How?
Well, uh, I'd watch the third base coach if I were you 'cause I don't think he's waving you in. You know I hate to say this but I think we're really hitting it off. Get it? Get it?
Anyway so Fred and I are going to do some volunteer work for that Church on Amsterdam.
A little.
What? Who told you that?
That's good...
Come on. Let me see it. 
I respect that. (George enters.) Mmm, what happened?
I like Julie. She's very personable.
Jerry, look at this closet! Look at this! I'm walking in it! (Elaine walks into the closet.) It's a walk-in. Can you believe it? I'm nuts about this, what do you think?
Thank you I am not very hungry. Anyway, um, this friend of mine, George, got engaged .
I just don't understand it as soon as I met these dogs they started growling at me.
Yeah, that's too bad.
Who else is on the show?
Oh my god, where is it?
You're gonna pick up the pieces.
No. You are not a man. It takes a *long* time to become a man. I mean, half my friends aren't even there yet.
I wish I was dead.
Ooh, it's a cake walk.
The only time it wasn't uncomfortable was when we were making fun of you.
OUR PICTURE'S IN THERE??
'Cause. I'll give 'em to Jerry.
Well, that was fast! 
I've touched mine!
No that's the week after.
Nah, now it's on TV. It's different. I told everybody I know to watch it.
Yeah, yeah. You know what? There are a lot of players named Deon these days. What a cool name, Deon. If I were gonna change my name, I'd go with Deon. 
Winona is a Native American. 
Ohhh, OK, fine, fine, go ahead. But listen let me tell you something as soon as I get there I'm going to tell everyone what a jerk you are.
What?
Bye bye
(sees racquet) Could I ...
Why do you have a bug guy? 
[laughing]
Ah, I sat too close to the screen. Oh. I just gotta stretch out in a hot bath. It was nice to see you again, Lloyd.
Oh all right. Okay well, goodnight.
Yeah. I sent one to everyone I know. Remember my Christmas card. 
Mmm. Brett, uhm, Jerry doesn't have a fax machine.
No, I just need them to deliver it here and I have to be kinda inside is all.
I thought you were busy tonight.
Really.
See, yeah, that's all I was saying.
(to another passenger) Huh. You believing this?
Well, he could be a superhero! You should've seen him run.
How'd it go? George?
Excuse me...
How do you even know the jacket is there?
So? What happened?
What are you doing?
It's me.
It was no trouble. My assistant did the whole thing.
Yeah.
I don't understand, why is this woman talking about my shoes? Why are my shoes a topic of conversation?
Come on. 
Yeah? What was it?
Yeah! And the best part is, I still get to look for work in publishing.
That's great George.
Whoa! Whoa!
Hey, listen while we're here why don't we do a little shirt shopping?
Yeah, yeah, well, for some reason, um, I just find myself just overcome with feelings of jealousy and resentment.
Huh huh.
Hmm. I never take them.
Officer. Officer, is there some reason this man has to always be using a hose? I mean, he's flooding the sidewalk. It's a waste of water. Couldn't he just use a broom?
(Interested) The Three Tenors? (Stands up) Which one?!
Are the clubs there?
10th
Cheryl Miller's brother?
As long as you don't put...
(Acting equally strange) No. What? Like what? What? Strange.. No. I..
Do you have to?
(CONT'D) Sorry to have disturbed you. Terribly sorry. But the fish will be dead. You do know that. They can't live in plastic. That's not me talking, that's science.
Hey!
(gasps) I cannot believe this!
'Cause he gave me his.
..And then there were three. 
Oh, right...I forgot. (smiles)
You're wrong.
Well as a woman, it makes no sense. But, I mean, let's say I was you. And I decided I was gonna change my name for no real reasons whatsoever-- Deon Rifkin. Wow! That is so cool. 
Huh. (muttering) This should be interesting.
(sees racquet), You know it's not important I'm gonna, ok, well, you know. Take care of that condolitis
Argh.. Fleas ( strikes the purse she just deposited on the couch) How did you get fleas? 
Yeah. No. Listen, George, I am quite certain I'm walking out of there with a bowl of soup.
(makes an irked noise)
See what is that? Is that a date?
Well, I'm just gonna tell him no. I can't run the catalog.
Actually I thought he was very professional. 
No, actually I'm... I'm just kind of hungry.
It's just a stupid movie.
Oh.
Well, you seem to be getting a hang of it...
You missed quite a performance.
Thanks for the re-fill.
Can it cut that thin?
Mr. Peterman, um--
I've got it all mapped out - I'm taking the tunnel.
Pocketbook or a handbag?
What do you think, you think I'm making a big mistake?
Hey what's that?
Shut up!
You smoke?
Come on, we'll put it in a garage.
I didn't get it.
Well, you know. It's a picture?
'How I'm buying my shoes now at Botticelli's!' Did you hear this? (Shoves Jerry and Kramer.)
Mrs. Oliver?
No.
Hello.... hello, oh...
W-well I don't think so Aaron, uh, I have plans.
I attend to his personal affairs.
Yeah, A big salad. Very good. Actually it was too big. Ha ha ha Wht?
Um. Kramer!
(laughing with joy) Your movin'? That means I'm movin'. (She hugs Jerry.) Geeeeee (to George) isn't that incredible!
No, no, no it doesn't. No joy no joy whatsoever. Just the whole think makes me . . sick.
Uh, kind of.
Yeah! Yeah, that's right, you remembered!
(Extremely excited) The other guy?!
Alright, I'm heading over right now.
Right
Oh. Jerry, you wanna join us?
No, uh, Kramer. I don't think -
Ooohh.
Good working with you.
So, George, do you have any thoughts on this Darryl situation?
You know, the guy might have just lost your number.
Who are they?
Yeah? So?
So, if he has my keys, I should have his.
What? What did I do?
Alright, well anyway, I think they're real. And if they are, I must say they are...spectacular.
Shut up...
(still laughing, tears in her eyes) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 
Well maybe you're not the Dion type. O.K. then let's see, let's see, what do we got? (looking at the magazine, she starts to gasp and loses it) Oh! Oh oh oh! O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! You don't even use a name, it's just initials. Oh please please please change your name to O.J.! Please, it would be so great! 
What?
Nothing.
No....Oh No.... 
Oh, I know! It is awful!
(really doesn't want to know) Okay, Jerry, please, please. I'm really busy here.
All right. I am sorry it's not a date.
What's the status?
Karate?
Oh yeah. In fact I like the picture so much I cropped out the nipple and am using as my health club ID. 
(Confused by his sudden change-of-heart) What? Break-up? We went out on one date.
Well, the lock was broken. You just have to jiggle it, actually. But, I just need like a half an hour to an hour.
Uh, you know, I just told them what kind people you are and, uh, yada yada yada, that is it.
(Eating) Walnuts, mmmmmm.  
Oh, he's...he's a joy...
How did you know you cut it?
He's always here? What does that mean? What does that mean?
No, sir, I can't.
I spoke to a cab driver. For five bucks, he turned me on to the Rockaway Boulevard shortcut.
What's been going on out there? I've been standing here 20 minutes.
I love being with him. I mean, I like being with him. It's okay being with him.
Christmas present? For who?
Whar about Kramer?
I didn't know you SMOKED.
Ohmygod! Lippman could see this! He thinks I was visiting my father! Oh my g-I make up one little white lie and they put my picture in the paper!
What are you gonna do, you just gonna leave it here like this? Uh. I'm going upstairs.
Yeah, well. How hard is it to take a picture?
So what?! She is talking about my shoes! She is discussing my shoes! It is nobody's business where I buy my shoes! (Storms over to the couch and angrily sits down. Jerry, Kramer and George look at Elaine from the kitchen, comically puzzled by her outburst...)
Ooh!
You have cleaned out the whole apartment and you're making dinner. You're perfect, you're a perfect man.
You went...in the shower?
Well, like tomorrow for example, I have to uh...I have to buy him some socks.
Even though what?
These mirrors are skinny mirrors. This is false ... reflecting. And I think, that the department of ... you know, whatever, would be very interested to know what's going on here.
Hi, oh hi Mickey, this is Ned
What about the couch?
Yeah, I don't know what that means.
I mean, she thought it was kind of strange to just order a salad. . . . You know. . . . For a man.
Hmm. Tonight.
Oh, see you tomorrow morning.
(Screams out in joy) My God! I can't believe the other guy's going to be on the show!
Well, David the thing about George is that he's an idiot.
Oh, this is the one Vincent told me about. The Pain And The Yearning. (reads from the box) 'An old woman experiences pain and yearning.' A hundred and ninety-two minutes?
(same time as Jerry) --Wait, whoa--whoa--whoa--whoa!--
What?
Oh.
Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? They keep them there for a week and then if nobody claims them, they kill them.
I just don't enjoy being with him.
I'm not telling you.
I just said the same thing to you.
Hey! Gail!
Uh Roy, this is uh Kramer -- he's one of our friends.
What? No Jerry, you have to go. 
No, No... 
I don't know.
So what?
All right.
Well, have they called the police yet?
Katra?
Yeah it is nice actually. 
(Shows no sign that she cares) Alright, good. Good.
(fierce) I will!
(on phone) Hey, Kramer, it's Elaine, thanks for bringing my mattress back. And I guess I'll just get my spare key from you - whenever. All right, bye.
Oh, handful of sunshine. I wish I could do this every day.
Hold on kitty, dinner's coming.
Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?!
Now, lookit, this plane leaves at 10:15. We're getting up at about eight. That gives us enough time, right?
All right, what time do you want me back here.
Oh. it's always simulated....except with George that's in my contract.
*gasp* (pushing George) Get out of here.
You know if you waited a few more months it won't be a baby anymore then you wouldn't have to see it.
Uh, ...
Hi, Mr. Lippman.
Yeah, I gotta tell Jerry we're here. I gotta go to the bathroom.
What?
Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.
Congratulations.
Did anyone call?
Do you go in the shower?
Yeah. White ones. Like the ones you wear with sneakers.
What? What are you trying to say, George?
OK fine. (smiling) I did like that little Calvin Klein number right by the elevator. You know the little ... (motions in the direction of the elevator)
You guys stay here, I'll be right back.
I told you I couldn't. The woman was crying about how she might never play tennis again
What?
You see the thing is we It should have been me. You know, I'm smart. I'm attractive.
You got that right.
No, no no no, none that I can, um, remember.
Because I ruined this autographed picture of him that belonged to the Maestro. You think I can go and get his autograph?
You were wrong about Craig . He's a very sweet guy.
I need to see Dr. Burke right away. This rash is spreading. 
(warning) Jerry.
You know, these movies are great, but they're just so emotionally exhausting.
Oh, this is a good mattress. Sniff, sniff, Ugh!
Oh. Uhhh...
(rudely and giving him a 'duh' look) Because, if I ask him, then it's like I really want to know.
Are you sure you want us here for this?
I'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's around the corner, do I have to break up with him face to face or can I just wait and do it over the phone?
No!
My, my father?
What?
Well, nobody likes to get old, right?
Why are you talking about my shoes?
(dryly) Yeah, too bad. 
(under her breath) Ya that'll happen)
No, No... 
Ohh!
My God, are you okay?
Get out! What'd you do?
What? Why not?
Pardon?
So that's it?
It's not serious, is it?
Alright, let's do it.
So Joe Mayo had the same coat.
What is it?
Ok.
yeah ha ha ha
Yeah.
Me? No no no, you. You're gonna tell him. I'm not gonna tell- Noo.
Carefully?
Did you say goiter? What goiter?
Where are they?
Do you?
You want the money for the big salad, George?
Ok thanks so much. (the Barney's sales associate turns and walks away. Elaine turns to Kramer as he admires himself in the mirror) What are you all dressed up for?
A hundred and fifty dollars? A hundred and fifty dollars for what? For this couch?
No, no, it's okay.
Um uh.
Well what about that number Susan B. Anthony wore to the 19th Amendment party. Hnuh. Eye yye yye.
(Extremely giddy) Wow! The other guy!
what about it?
Oh come on. Have some compassion. Okay well I hope it's contagious 
Really?
Well we're hoping that if perhaps that the catalog is a little funnier,people won't be so quick to return the clothes ha ha....For example.. I..I really do....Well I love this one
Is that the right word?
Seven?
(opening the present) Oh George, this is beautiful. Is this cashmere?
I know how much you make. I don't even know why I'm doing this, I don't even like basketball.
I went to visit him.
Yeah, O.K. I'll go get 'em. (George begins to leaf through papers on Elaine's counter.) What are you doing? Would you just put that down? (Takes the papers away from George.) I gotta get some new friends.
Uh, could I have a medium Diet Coke?
My Botticelli shoes. You've been talking about my Botticelli shoes.
rock climbing? hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing.. rock climbing? you need a boost to climb into your bed (Elaine laughs) 
Yeah, it got pretty nasty.
Oh...well...
No, No....Yesss!!!!!! 
Ohh! Stop it! I know.
(hopeful) And?
All I know he's promised me a discount on that dress.
Kramer has a record.
Well, you know, I, I have watched Peterman run the company.
Come on. Move. (elevator doors reopen; Dr. Burke and two orderlies are revealed) Oh hi Dr. Burke. I didn't know if uh.... 
(Laughing out loud) That's it?! (Laughs again) That's the best you got?! (Laughs loudly as Alan exits)
Oh yeah, that eh...that is nice to know. (Pours the juice from the bag back to glass.)
Come on, come on kitty...(slice disappears) ooh...how about that; it worked! Wow, can I borrow that thing for a while?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, Jerry, here comes that woman...
(Trying to wake Ed up) Get up! The alarm clock didn't go off! (Shakes him) It's 9:15! You're gonna miss the plane! It's 9:15!
Mmm, nice to meet you.
Ohhhhh, that's great.
All right.
No.
It's me.
Well, you name it, uh, neuritis, uh, neuralgia...
What am I gonna say?
[To herself, loudly] Wake up, you human slug! Wake up! *Wake* *up*!! I can't hold it anymore! [To the slug out loud] Excuse me, I've gotta go to the bathroom...
What?
Here, take it. I was glad to get rid of it.
Oh, *that* goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh... Whaddya know...
Thank you. (looking at the messages) Oh ya, heh, I'll call you back. Ooh, Myra had the baby! Oh, my God that's wonderful! Who called?
What is the problem?
I like your little bag.
For this couch?!
I don't think so.
I don't know. But I'm sure it had, . . . parents. Call her up. She won't mind if you come.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, well it must have been one hell of a party.
So how did this happen?
(laughs) Huh. (looks from tape to tape) Well...
I didn't know Cheryl Miller's brother played basketball.
Adam, you don't become a man overnight. Look at your father. It takes time. Patience, experience. Uh, several careers of varying success. And these are things I look for in a man.
Ahan, Ahan....yeah...Euh but, Why is it that the, that the animals enjoy reading the email?
Yeah.
Terrific.
Seven dates is a face-to-face break up?
Oh, I love cashmere.
It looks like you're trying too hard to make an impression on him. You're not being yourself.
Just in those commercials.
Um, yup. Yes, yes, it just... such a miracle, um. My visit must have buoyed (Elaine says 'boyed') his spirits.
What's the difference?
Did you or did you not tell Kramer that I got my shoes at Botticelli's? (A waiter comes over and puts a plate of food on Gail's cutting board.)
Did you ever hear of...holding it in?
It's not like I went across the street. I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in a cab.
Nothing.
augh, he's got a big match tomorrow with Ethyl Kennedy
Wha... W.. Are you going home?
Ugh!
What d'you mean, sort of? What'd he do?
Ah! Jerry I've been around long enough to know when I'm being worked.
I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that.
Oh please no more. 
Would you please just get on with the stupid Bob Saccamano story?!
Why not?
Yay!
So now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him a new coat.
Yes! 9:15!
It looks good.
He once spent a weekend with a woman.
What--what did I say?
Oh god, I need a drink, do you got any Hennigan's here?
(gasps) Oh my God! That's my nipple.
Oh listen, guess what? Cheryl convinced Ping to drop the case against me.
Bother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a little goiter like that bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um, in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you want to know something? I, I wish I had one. [pause] Really.
Hey, what's this? Look. A wallet.
She did? Oh, that's so great!
Bye.
Huh.
Okay, uh, I'll tell you what. I could go as high as uh... (She takes a closer look at couch.) I don't know, maybe...twenty dollars?
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I know, he's so tiny!
Why? Why d'you think he's upset?
Yeah, I could use a chuckle.
(to passenger) Oh? You know my last boyfriend, he had a real kroner comprehension problem. Know what I mean? A real cement head.
Well, I'm sorry, sir, I tried.
Well you don't have to dissect if you can just tell me. Why this is suppose to be funny?
(starting to leave) You know what, I'm leavin'.
Yes, she understands you and she is not demanding.
Hmm... How's the pasta over there?
My, George this must have cost a fortune.
What's that?
I did?
Hello!
[momentarily perplexed] What happened to the small?
How do you know?
Because I got popcorn too, and I ate that first.
What's wrong with him?
He'll only play with his racquet
Uh, could you come back in about five minutes?
Well what about you. Where you gonna stay? 
You know, we should say something.
What woman?
So you don't know anything?
I just met him this morning.
(excitedly) Okay.
(To George) Stay away from her.
What happened to Bob Saccamano?
What do I have to know?
David, um, I.. 
No, because I was in charge of the coats. It's... insane.
Tomarrow?! Are you crazy? No, now, now! Let's go! (Gets his suitcase from the closet, throws it on the bed, and frantically starts packing) You get dressed! Get dressed!
 Well, right now I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing.
Yeah, he did.
Oh! Where are you going?
Oh god. Oh, Jerry it was so terrible what we just went through on the way home. (pouring a big shot of scotch) You wouldn't believe it. (pushing a bag of chips off the counter)
Now look, don't take too long.
That's my nipple. My nipple's exposed. I sent this card to hundreds of people! My parents. My boss. Uh, Nana and Papa.
Yeah, no kidding. That lawyer was gonna charge me a fortune.
Who else have you mentioned my shoes to, huh? I wanna know why my footwear is your conversation!
I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't look the woman in the face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they send you over there: 'Oh, by the way, this woman *almost* has a second head'. But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.
Here.
In the drawer on the right. Hmm...
What's all this?
What?
Well, then, if he's crazy you should just forget it.
(to self in head) Bizarro world..
(romantic) We're not gonna talk about Karl Farbman all night, are we?
So when they're handing you those cadavers, do you get to choose whether it's a man or a woman?
What're you getting?
Uhh. I guess so. Why? (Mr. Lippman vigorously starts making out with her)
So, where's Todd?
But, what is the comment. (she slides the magazine back to him)
I'll just talk to Jerry when he gets back. (seeing the Rosses entering Monk's) Oh. Mrs. Ross, Mr. Ross.
Jerry, how could you let him spend so much money?
Huh?
Ah. ...Yeah.
I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company. I just wanted to return your tape.
What's... medium?
Why would he ask your parents to go to a museum?
That's stealing?
No reason. (big smile) Just wanna see you again.
Hey!! I found out from Paula; She likes George. I'll bet he'll be relieved. 
I mean, why does he do that? Doesn't he know what a huge turnoff that is?
 Oh...my God.
(sarcasm) Alright, good job.
Keep following him.
(To Anna) Get in the car.
Alright, well, now that's something..
(grabbing Puddy) What are you doing?
Hey!
(winks and clicks) Thank you. ha ha ha ha. (sits down)
Right there.
Oh please.. It's in the vault.
You're a salesman now - and the high-five is... it's very 'grease monkey.' 
But he doesn't know that. As far as he knows, somebody stole it, and that's the person who should be responsible.
Shower?! ARe you out of your mind?!
(from intercom) I just finished working out are you busy?
Oh, no no no. I'll just have a tea and toast. (sits down across the table from Jerry)
 Excuse me.
Hi!
There's nothing to read, it's just yesterday's news. You know, the Yankees won, the Mets lost, Ricky Henderson's unhappy...
(after pouring the shot in the sink while Jerry was distracted and pretending to have downed it) Okay. Now listen. We were at the toll booth at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?! And there were these, like, this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?! And for some reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us! And so then we payed the toll, and then we went through, and then they started to follow us, alright?! So George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this really like a souped up car, you know?! And so he turned off the road really suddenly and the car was on two wheels and I was just screaming! And then, George is such a great driver.
I don't know. It's a building.
Oh God I didn't notice. Oh, what am I going to do? You know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it.
Y'know you try to do some good. You want to be a good person but this is too much to ask.
Nah it's nothing.
You should have told that story about Packyderm dropping the pizza.
Oh yeah? How'd you do?
Yeah. You're right.
Okay okay okay okay, you win. Forty dollars.
Thank you. What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they're clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to ten, so don't give me hygiene.
What? You can tell me. I'll put it in the vault.
George, do you realize that Rava has asked me to edit her book?
Ok....
Did I have a great time with David Lickner last night? I sure did. (Jerry comes over to the couch with a beverage and sits down) Do I think there is a future here? I don't see why not.
(surprised) Brett? Everything alright?
Oh my God.
Oh. How much you got left?
Oh my God, Hyannisport? With the Kennedys? Who else is up there? Is Rose up there?!
No it isn't.
Oh, Kramer, we didn't mean it.
George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me.
Wha-- oh! (noticing her hand) Oh, god! (laughs) That is the THIRD time today I have done that! BLAAAH! (laughs again) Grabbing news- papers... I'm just tugging at 'em... (laughs)
I'm sorry, I really am. I just kept forgetting.
Oh-kay. Gimme the large.
I know. They're going in first with the last babka.
Ohh, That is so true! (clutches her hands to her chest)
What is that?
Do you know that I have been using the same bottle of shampoo for a year? And I shampoo every day. (Carl smiles.) So, what do you think of my conversation?
I know.
So you see, Kramer took it upon himself to say hi to you from me. When in fact it was an unauthorised hi.
I don't know. I can't think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
Yeah, she'll be here any second.
Yeah that's just some stuff about the company. 
(sob sob) (bumps into man with an umbrella) ... I don't even know where I'm going.
Yeah.
Was it a tall woman, in a black blazer?
You heard me young lady, get in the car. (To George) And you, you should know better. I don't want you infecting my staff.
(worried) Brett! What is it? Is there someone outside?
(Adding) A train is bearing down on you?!
The roommate's.
By making time with some floozy across the aisle?
No money, I am Puddy free. So, are we eating or what?
Well, I guess we'll just have - (Lou has left) Ohh, just gimme that. (takes the papers and walks away)
Right there.
Hey, what time is it? (she looks up and asks as Jerry walks in the aisle)
Ah, I, I'm sorry, but the high-five is just so stupid. 
So I guess I'll have to buy him a new coat, even though I don't think I should be held responsible, which I am anyway.
(laughing uproariously) The Hamptons? George Costanza? I, uh... I don't think so. Have a good one.
No, I'm not. Here you go.
Jerry?!
Forget the shower! The shower's out. Move it! Put your clothes on! Put your clothes on! (Pulls out drawers of clothes, turning them over in the suitcase. He walks tward the door) Where are you going?
 Really?  Huh.  What a world.  So we can go now?
Today?!
Well! If it isn't mister gesuntheit!
Okay! Well, you know, have a nice trip, and uh... alrighty! (beat) I'll just hold down the, uh, fort!
Oh, he is fantastic! And then they fired a gun right up in the air.
So what?
Have you seen the card?
Hey Georgie, what happened with your guy?
Bravo!
It's nothing.
You always break even.
Fifty dollars, okay? Fifty dollars, is that all right?
Mm-Hmm.
OKAY!!!
Ooooh, please.
It's Sue Ellen Mischke, this old braless friend I hate. (Elaine tries to cover her face)
You see, I don't think it is a Catholic joke. I think it's more of a Raquel Welch joke. What was it? No, I said hand me the buoys. (Laughing) Bouys!
Peggy, we've got to talk. What is it about me that you find so offensive?
Happy Festivus, Georgie.
I don,t think so.
Um, ok, ah well I'll have the, th-ri-rigatoni.
How ya feeling?
Why would he come to George?
No, no, I'm leaving.
Right. Yeah. [fearing the answer] Could I have a small popcorn?
Oh great, then you can go to the bachelor auction. 
It's right over there. 
You can't beat a babka.
Although one wonders if 'War and Peace' would has been as highly acclaimed as it was, had it was published under it's original title 'War---What Is It Good For?'
Have you ever heard of anyone doing anything like this?
You don't have any furniture?
JERRY: Hey
That's what I'm saying.
What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks?
Listen, Jerry. She never dates, and I know it's because of her hair.
Yeah. 
yes, (sob) I suppose, ...
No. Me neither.
No!
Ohhh!  That's Sue Ellen Mishke!  
I need those clubs.
(relieved) Oh. Oh, oh, phew. You know, for a minute there I thought it was like that urban legend about the guy with the hook who's hanging on the fender...
What do you mean you don't have the hat?</font>
(at TV screen) Bernie is dead, you moron! (frustration) Just because he's wearing sunglasses he looks alive?! (picks up video box) Ugh, how long is this weekend, anyway? (reads from label) Ugh!
(Reflects on the story) I don't understand.. you were wearing the pants you were returning?
Mr. Peterman? You wanted to see me?
She keeps track of everything.
This guy? He's an idiot. he doesn't mean anything to me.
Hey, what time is it?
(Sarcastically) Oh, that is really mature. 
Guess what I ate.
It's a new area code.
The kitchen?!
Kramer, we like her.
 Well, what are we gonna do for a ride?
Yeah.
What?
I think it was a gun. And then they followed us all the way into the city, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they went home.
(frustrated) Just go.
This car.
Well, I was just curious why you didn't use an exclamation point?
Do I know him?
Do you have twenty bucks?
Uh-huh.
Who's Sally?
Ah come on
Before we get started, I am happy to tell you that Eddie Sherman is no longer writing for this catalog.
Oh hi, Sue Ellen.
Hello.
So what're you gonna do?
What!? I happen to have a very steady boyfriend. You know, I mean, we broke up a few times and there has been an occasional guy here or... or there, but, wh-why is this your business?
Kramer, listen, I got a little phone relay going, so, if a guy calls H&H and he's looking for me, you take a message.
That's not a word.....You have no idea what this means do you?
So where do you wanna eat?
hell-oo
Can I get you anything?
What does it mean anyway? 'God bless you'. It's a stupid 'stuperstition'.
Oh yeah? This woman was selling them at this crazy party I was at last night. You'll appreciate this. Snapple?
What's `medium'?
Oh, yeah...
I heard you *really* inhaled that thing. Did anyone tape it? 
You want it? 
(exhales) They're going to be heroes.
Yeah. Mr. Lippman. It was *his mistress* who insisted that he call it...
What?
Well, I can understand that. Pretty good date, huh?
Correct.
How about we go over there right now and we shave them?
She...likes you.. 
Yes, (sob) you see this (sob) woman, this manicurist,...
Oh, God!
That's the bra I gave here, she's wearing it as a top!  The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on, she's a menace to society.
How could I have tested positive twice? Once I could understand, that's a mistake. But twice?
He's upstairs, I made him Director of Corporate Development.
(apologetic, silently mouthed) Sorry.
No dead! George, I need that Russian hat back!</font>
(Still confused) What were you gonna wear on the way back?
Su-sie?
Thanks.
Leslie, Leslie, whatever happened to Sargent Shriver? Is he still with them? You don't hear much about him these days. Is he out of the loop?
Oh (quietly). Is this tooth chipped? (pointing to a tooth)
(Confused at David's attempts at a comeback) Uh... that doesn't make any sense. I am leaving. 
Look at you. You're on a slant.
Hi, I'm Elaine.
No. A $29,000 piece of cake. Peterman got it at The Duke Of Windsor auction. It was the most romantic thing I've ever eaten.
No, no. It's right here in the city. It's the same as 212. They just multiplied it by 3, and then they added one to the middle number. It's the same.
They're not making it! Let's get your pants on!
I believe I referred to her personality as a potential science exhibit.
I know.
 You don't know?
He was laughing?!
Uhh. This. It's like a red dot.
Hi.
Yeah, yeah, I'm alright. Oh, by the way, the car hit a pothole and now it's making a clanking noise.
Hey, what's with George and Susan? Does he actually like her?
Well did you notice anything unusual about it?
See, right here you wrote 'Myra had the baby', but you didn't use an exclamation point.
Can he fix it? 
If you were a woman would you go out with him?
Just gimme twenty bucks.
Ah. The 'stock swap'. Let's swap some stock. (giggles)
Thank you very much.
All right, look, look, look. Let's say he stole it.
Aaalright!
Well, this is my boyfriend, doctor Ben Gelfen.
Vincent?
(Calling on phone) Hey, Beth, Arnie, it's Elaine. Um, thought you guys might wanna have lunch. Gimme a call. Bye.
So? What do you want me to do about it?
Well maybe I feel the same way.
(leaving the room after rubbing Peggy's keyboard on her butt, sticking the stapler in her armpit, and coughing on her doorknob) Oh. All right. You think I've got germs? I'll give you some germs. How about some for your keyboard, huh? Huh? Oooh, how about for your stapler. Hmmm? That's good, isn't it? You have a happy and a healthy.
Hey! I have spent a lot of time, and I have eaten a lot of crap to get to where I am today. And I am NOT throwing it all away now.
Then why did you print it.
Arby's. Beef and cheese and do you believe in god?
Uh, well, uh, here--here is good.
You sure? Anything?
Whatever.
I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, ahh! Staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so. I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right? (Sips the Snapple) Ahh.
Do adults ever order the child-size?
*How* do you get fired from a volunteer job?
Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's touched 'em.
Sure!
Yuh! You wanna lug it uptown, it's yours. 
Well how about a carrot cake?
'War and Peace.'
What?
Correct.
He actually went to the hospital?
Ya! 
Uh, (sob) thanks.
I mean I lost my job, I can't go to Africa. I was gonna meet the bush-men of the Kalahari.
I know, Mr Peterman, but but but but once I saw them, I just couldn't stand to let anyone else have them. (warming to her subject) You know, certainly not some stuck-up candy bar heiress who shamelessly flaunts herself in public without any regard...
Mmmnn, Georgie!
Well, no, I would hardly--
Dial 9- MERLIN.</font>
Here. (Shows Kurt's driver's license to Jerry.) Take a look at that.
Alright, I think I got enough for one day.
(nit) It's Susie.
Oh.
(Whispering to Kramer) What is this?! What are you doing here?
I have no idea.
Fine! We're through! 
A little stale.
No! You have your ticket! You have to go now!
You haven't told him?
 Oh great, oh, this is great.  How could you let him take the car?
I know!
Exactly.
Oh, that's nice!
Well come here and take a look.
So, it's ya nothing. Forget it, forget it, I just find it curious.
Oh come on. If she's that superficial you don't want her. 
Uh-huh. Okay, well, we're coming down. All right. (hangs up the phone) Okay. I got a place that can analyze it. It's in Brooklyn. We have to drive there.
(laughs) Ya, I bet you would. Alright, give him my number.
Nobody ever called me breathtaking before.
Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back.
All right. (standing up) Hey, you guys--what's the name of the new company gonna be?
Ah, I'm ready what?
I just bought Jerry's couch for fifty dollars.
C'mon, you can't do anything about it. The cops won't do anything. What, are you going to fight him? Why don't you just forget it?
Hey, stop kidding me. He's a doctor. He's a very good doctor.
(defensive) No, it doesn't mean anything. I'm not even gonna rewind it.
Thought it would be nice.
Mr. Lippman, when I worked for you at Pendent Publishing, I believed in you, you know as a man of integrity. But, I saw you in that paper hat and that aprin...
Ok, so now what?
I am not calling Puddy. What did I do with my gloves? Oh, I bet I left them over at Puddy's. I should call him. I need those gloves. No, I better not. I'll call. (looks at table) Oh, look at that! There are the gloves. I was just about to call. There they are. That's funny. That's really funny. That's really really funny. You know who loves funny stories, David Puddy. (Picks up phone).
Hey.
Watch this. (Puts the bottle of Schnapps in her mouth, flips her head up, drinking it, then puts it back down with her teeth. She is effected by that last drink:) Oh.. God..
Maybe.
(gets up) You know what? you people should be ashamed of yourself, you know ya doodle a couple of bears at a cocktail party talking about the stock market. You think you're doing comedy.
Oh. So, you're pretty religious?
Yeah? Well, so am I!
Hey, I went to Tufts! That was my safety school! So don't talk to me about hardship.
Well.
Thanks for driving me home. What did I do to deserve this?
No, it didn't. No, it didn't.
What don't you know?
Yeah, yeah, that's better than 'God bless you'. Anyway, she left a message on my machine, she wants you to call her.
[laughs appreciably] Okay, gimme the `adult'.
I wouldn't have said anything if I knew you were going to stop seeing her!
Black Forrest?
'War--What Is It Good For.' (sings) Absolutely nothin' HUH! Say it Again! ahehehehe
Oh.
Correct. (catches herself) What's that?
Oh man, he's nuts.
Yep! 
How do you know all that?
Hi there. Um, uh -- [drumming on countertop] Oh! Oh! Oh! One mulligatawny and, um.... what is that right there? Is that lima bean?
Oh, I don't know, you know, girlie stuff.
And the bush-women.
That's sounds pretty juvenile.
(ingratiatingly) They should be here today.
(to self in head) This is unbelievable..
Relax--
No! He's not bald. Look! He's got a full head of hair.
Vincent?
(Mocking) Yeah, I'll chew on that.
(dismayed) Ah, all o'--all of us?
Fine, go away.
The cable? No, no, no. I'm having a party here. You can't do this now!
(While leaving) That's right. (Mocking Puddy, she puts her hand up) High-five! (Turns around, putting her hand behind her back like he had done) On the flip side! (As Elaine is leaving, she mutters to herself) Takin' me to Arby's... 
Oh, nice to meet you too, Lorraine!
Boy, eh, can you believe this mess?
Don't say that!
Huh, go ahead, tell him.
(noticing Ava in a fur)  Oh look at that.  Look at what she's wearing. You see what she's wearing?
Get out!
Too bad.
She said you're getting together Saturday night!
Oh, he's out in front of the building. He's arguing with some guy about a parking space.
Well you know George. It's not good enough to get there. You gotta make good time.
Oh, it's been a while. 
So, what's that?
You punched who in the mouth?
I wish I could quit...
Hmm.. he's so nice! I'm really happy for them.
Well, I mean if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point.
So I guess you're not going to Todd's party on Friday. 
Yeah, it's forty-five bucks.
I mean, if he thinks that that baby's breathtaking, then who's not breathtaking?
You know, things were going so good for me, you know, I got the job promotion, we were talking about moving in together -
(making a face) 'Moland'?
Right
Uh-huh.
Well, there's a doctor right here.
Hey, Arnie's just as upset.
Deal. Here's your problem. You're making just the muffin tops. You've gotta make the *whole* muffin. Then you... Pop the top, toss the stump. Taste.
Oh, just great. I found out that Vivian has some kind of medical problem and if the worst happens she wants me to take care of Jimmy.
Oh, Mm mm.. (Scoots up close to George) I'm not gonna tell you, any - more - things. (points at George)
Oh! really (laughs) well you know..... I have others
So is it a problem that I'm not really religious?
No. He doesn't know I ate it. In fact, he almost caught me. I have to sneak back in and even it out.
Hey.
Well ya. I guess so Why? You wanna do something?
Seems to be.
Well do you see it or don't you?
Robin!
Cherry Binaca, it?s new.
What? Was it something I said?
Is it *real* butter?
(spoken to Testikov) that's a song ...
(putting on lipstick) Sorry pal, wish I could help you out.
You found out Kramer's first name?
(takes the book from the guy and signs it herself) How can you say that I still like you, when I didn't even say hi to you?
For nothing.. 
You mean..?
Never been a big fan. [coughing] Um..you know what? Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, ' Scent Of A Woman.' Who-ah! Who-ah!
That's really what you think girls do, isn't it?
Hello.
Yeah, I eat these muffins all the time.
Well, I gotta say that I think that that is a fantastic idea, Feldman!
Well, hey? Hey. Hey!!
Oh, thanks. I've got plans.
Just go.
Who's this guy?
The one you broke the plans with tonight?
Shut up and pack!
He saw me naked. Kramer, ... saw me naked.
 I can't believe she's walking around in that.
Yeah!
Why?
Look out the window, you'll see.
Hmhmhm (laughing quietly)
(Fake excitement) Yeah. yeah, I'm really.. psyched. 
Right!!
You don't think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point.
Hm-hmm.
Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless war monger. Might as well get Mengele.
Yeah, right, that's a possibility. I have to find out.
Yeah, I know, but... 'Moland'? I wouldn't drink anything called 'Moland'.
Oh! I got it! Let's sue her!
Well thanks to you and your little comment there to David and Beth. Jerry and I are in prime pouncing position to scoop these two up (Jerry and Elaine do a little slow dance of joy) before they know what hit em.
So I'm not gonna be an usher?
Can't you at least tell him what to do?
And he's growing it in just for me. (Happily) It's mine. It's all mine. (clutches the photo between her hands and to her chest then looks at it again)
Yeah.
It doesn't matter. If anything happens to her, I'm on deck! Scissors mishap, air show disaster, chinese organ thieves...it's a dangerous world.
(enters) Hey.
Okey-dokey.
Why not?
Hey, so I talked to Lisi and she has got a big surprise for you. She's planning a weekend trip to Pennsylvania Dutch country.
I'm not his girlfriend. Well, actually, we used to date, but not anymore.
Jerry, can't you just give it one more day, it's not his fault.
Pffft....there's really nothing to do.
Shut up, George.
Do you see it or don't you?
Get that out of my face.
Take it away.
Well I assumed she called to apologize, that's why she called me.
It's like I didn't even know him. He's like a totally different person.
Well I didn't know.
[To anyone who'll listen] What'd he say? What'd he say?
[exasperated] What is it made of?
...they-they took it from Tolstoy.
Why?
Ah, Jake... (realises his logic) I, uh...
Well, this is it. Shall I go get Kramer?
In fact she said that looks aren't even that important to her... 
Oh!
Well, I --
All rightee. (turns and walks to the bathroom)
George. How come you're whispering?
(as though receiving a revelation) Poppies!
So it wasn't a bomb. 
(Putting on her coat) Oh, you're getting together with some of your jackass friends, and you want me to take notes?
Oh, surgery. You're going to the dentist.
(Raising hand) I've yada yada'd sex.
Both of the them.
You're talking too much!
Who walks into a woman's bedroom without knocking. I want to know!
 Hey, is that real fur?
No.
Hmhmhm (laughing quietly)
Why is that? 
Aw, great!? Didn't you see that?
Hey Kramer, by the way, I saw that guy at the health club...that is not Salman Rushdie.
I just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby.
hates it 
What's this one?
I can be very clever.
Oh! Well, ah, what's in a name? I mean, water's water. Right?
So Jerome, I did a little snooping around for you.
Such a lovely table setting. Oh, wear did you get these napkins?
Yeah, she's loaded.  She's the heiress to the O'Henry candy bar fortune.
So I'm nothing. Jerry is best man , Kramer is an usher and I am nothing.
What are you gonna do down there?
It's not just hair! Look!
Jerry, Jerry.
I don't know, give em to a soup kitchen.
You should've just had dinner with your uncle tonight and gotten in over with. It's just a movie.
What is going on with you two?
Alright, I tell you what. How about if you and George go to the movies, and I stay here and watch the dog tonight.
Do you think of anything?..
Yeah.
Well you think I should say something? Should I say something? Should I apologize? Was I being anti-virgin?
Is she?
Night.
I'm in looove!
JERRY: Cosmo?
What is the big deal about putting your lips on somebody's face?
Ah Oh!! 
Hmmm?
(to herself) I can't believe this, is this guy standing me up?
Yeah? Well I don't really give a Sh... (closing the bathroom door)
No.
Ya
Well then what? 
Okay, so fine. Go.
Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisk, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Okay.. Does Jerry know about this?
Isn't he the best?
You were right Kramer, this slicer is absolutely amazing...yeah, yeah...no no no I'll bring it by tonight...ok bye.
So, this is your little... love nest? (laughs)
What?!
You're still here. You're a dynamo.
What?
(Between breaths) Oh, my God. (Joyce nods) John F. Kennedy Junior's here! 
It's because you made me wear that stupid shirt.
Oh, man, just *rampant*, **mutant** B.O. The 'O' went from the valet's 'B', to the car, to me. It clings to everything. Jerry thinks it's an entity. But I showered and I shampoo'ed, so...
Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I'm talking right now, I would put an exclamation points at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one!
I beg to differ. 
You sure you don't mind? 
(gasp)
Oh, me too. I'll meet you down. (She goes in the hall and sees George) Oh, don't go in, Rachel's getting undressed.
Well, I talked to Tim Whatley...
Oh, I don't remember them.
Kramer, listen to me. Listen! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.  Your dreams have been shattered, somebody's got to be held accountable. Come on, we'll take for every penny she's got!
(pause, then vaguely waves while watching them leave) Hello?
I hope Carlitto feels better. Ben really wishes he could've helped.
Hawaii? That's why you're helping Newman with the mail?
It's chestnut with auburn highlights!
What the hell is this? Where are you?
And one more thing, you really think we need the exclamation point? Because, it's not 'Top of the Muffin *TO YOU!!!*'
(Coming in Jerry's apartment) Hey. Happy New Year!
These heals are so uneven. (Watches the slicer.)
We'll see it Sunday.
I am up for anything.
So was Mia Farrow there?
George?
Jerry and George called me from this limo and they said we're all going to the Knicks-Bulls game.
Hey, grab Jerry's sweater for me, would you?
'Cause I'm not anti-virgin. I'll be right back. (She leaves)
No it's not. That really is true.
So?
This is it, Jerry! This is it! He is such an incredible person! He's real, he's honest, he's unpretentious...oh, I'm really lucky!
JERRY: Cosmo
How 'bout an intercourse hello? How would that be?
Well..hum...let me rephrase that, She said.... 
Yeah.
What?
Ech, George, I have no idea what you're talking about.
But he's okay? 
Yeah, it's my house, it's my option.
No, I mentioned the bisk.
No, no, no no, listen to me. I work in fashion. Together, we can drive Putumayo outta business and make Cinqo de Mayo numero uno... de Mayo.
You can't! You can't do this now!
Oh, right now he's a fact checker for New York Magazine. It's not much, but it has a certain type of quiet dignity.
She does a full hour about how you're the devil .I got to go see this thing.
Alright, OK. Let's stop fooling around. Let's just slip him some money.
Oh.
4:00 sugar fix.
What? What sweater?
Jerrryyy, How can I go on?
Ok,
 You don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so that you can look good?
I'll see you tomorrow.
(Still unable to speak right) In my class? John Kennedy's gonna be in my class?! 
No. I don't want him looking.
What?
You went to see her?
He's the *loser*. She's the victor. To the victor belong the spoils. 
Well I mean the question isn't even for me it's for a friend. 
And I asked him, 'Should Jerry bring anything?'
Cosmo, Cosmo?
I can't believe you left your post.
Special occassions? It wasn't special when my family visited?
You got that straight. Now I want four new ideas from each of you by 6:00. No, make that six ideas by 4:00. All right, let's move, move, move, move, move!
Oh he is. Kind of. I mean, I call him doctor. (She walks away and sees George sitting down reading books) George. (He holds up his hand to signal her to wait a second.)
Well, anyway, get this: I spoke to Alan. You know, I told him I didn't want to see him anymore.. He called me 'big head'.
You're not around women. You don't know how important a man's hair is.
What is this. It's like you're selling movie tickets back here.
Did you and Patty just break up?
That is correct. But here's the beauty part - now I stand up for myself by telling everybody I'm dumping his sorry ass, and I'm the office-
All right. Well, I'll see ya. Hey, George, I think there's a sniper lookin' to pop ya.
Here, let me see it. (She takes a pad to try the pen) Hey, it writes upside down.
I'm not going, I'm gonna watch the dog.
I was just kiddin, around.......
What's your line?
He did.
Chilly out.
(desperate to distract Jerry) Ow!! (Jerry looks over) It's my cuticle.
Isn't that blue car him?
Why?
Maybe he likes her.
No, I forgot. And, the best part is, he doesn't play games. You know? There are no games! (Sits down on the couch.)
(indicating) That's her. That's her.
Oh, god! Oh, god, Dave! Oh, yes! Yes!
What?
Well, I hear three distinct sounds. A low rumple...followed by a metallic 'squink'...
Yeah I am still holding. 
I'm sorry, George, but it's true.
Oh, of course it does. (Elaine's roommate, Tina, enters)
(puzzled) You? What're you doing here?
Alright. Just do it fast and then get out.
Oh, no.
Well I bet I can get in once I mention I'm from ...The New Yorker.
Do they take money? Everyone takes money. I used to go out with a guy who did it all the time, you just slip him 20 bucks.
Oh, that sounds... romantic.
No, no. You are way past the phone call breakup stage.
You didn't bring a brown sweater.
No thanks!
Come in.
Yeah, ok... (takes the test and moves to another table.)
What's going on?
Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's butt. 
Oh my God. I sent one to the super in my building. My mailman. My ten year old little nephew. Sister Mary Catherine. Father Chelios. Oh my God Fred! I sent one to Fred.
No, no, no! It *can't* be! I shampoo'ed! I rinsed! I repeated!
Well we can take the car service from my office. 
Well... podiatrist. 
No, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with lesser babka.
Yes it is...
Mmmm...and he said, 'Why would Jerry bring anything?'
COSMO?
(to one of the tenants) Hey, what's up? What's going on here?
What? What is with all these books?
(Agreeing) It's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.
Hey, you're not going to believe what Kramer did to my mattress. . . . I can't talk to you like this. So Kramer completely funked up my mattress.
Well, then you're free tonight. You know what, I heard about this great place called La Caridad.
(Accepting) Alright.
( feeling awkward as well) Yeah! that was a...f...fun ..mmm?.
I don't know.
Yeah, you can take a sweater if you want to.
It's no big deal Jerry. We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.
Well, I felt a call for one.
Well, all I know is, he doesn't like games and he doesn't play games, you know? He has too much character and integrity.
(quietly to Jerry) Jerry, let's get out of here.
What?!!
O.k. Hold on just a second. (Gets up and heads to the bathroom. George knocks at the door.)
Jerry ( as they come into the apt.) Jerry, Susan says I can't be an usher at he wedding.
...followed by a mysterious...'glonk.'
No you don't. You own Putumayo. Unless you own both stores. (laughs nervously)
Yes, The New Yorker, I've met with their cartoon editor and I got him to admit that that cartoon ...MADE NO SENSE....
Well what do you want to give him, change?
(in her mind, anguished) This is wrong. I should go. (There's a knock at the door)
Oh...it's daylight. It won't take you that long. Just make a clean break.
Here! Here! You want a brown sweater?! (Recahes into one of her drawers, and grabs a brown sweater, then packs it) You got a brown sweater!
No, no no.
Why is it so hot in here? How can they sleep like this?
Jerry!
 Yeah, I eat fish occasionally.
What was it?
Hi. Can I get to my seat?
Yeah, they don't know. 
No no, I'm just saying you didn't really go to medical school, you went to podiatry school. Which I'm sure is very grueling in it's own way. 
(not wanting to believe it) Oh my God.
What?
It's not such a bad name.
Okay.. The point , George, is she likes you. 
Oh really?
How did you know?
Whoa. What is the matter?
Just a little off the side...
Okay...Thanks a lot for the ride.
Yeah. He said, um, he said it's really important that we call them O'Brien and Murphy.
Nah, hey, shut this off, shut it off.
Wa',you don't have the directions?
(to Kramer) Yeah, so?
Yeah...
Oh god, Mmmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmmmm, Mmm, Ah, Woo
I found it very troubling that he didn't use one.
I'll have a cinnamon babka.
What?
What?
(to someone in the hallway) No, I'll be seeing you. (She enters the apartment; singing) 'Good morning, good morning..' (to Jerry and George) Have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt it's great to be alive? That every breath is a gift of sweet life from above?
Well, Fred asked me out.
Yeah. Cleaned out the whole west side. Why?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, what about her?
Well, one question does come to mind. Have you considered just...asking them what happened to the briefcase?
Uh, Tina? Could you excuse us for just one second?
Ah, this really sticks in my craw.
Then we ended up going out to lunch and he had some great gossip about James Thurber.
Oh, sure.
Well, no point in wasting $1,200.
It's brown! (Takes clothes still on the hangers, and dumps them into the suitcase)
No! Jerry! Jerry!
Oh man. What is with this bar? It's right in my back. It's killing me.
Maybe he went to one of the other levels. I'll go look for him.
Do it like this. 'These pretzels are making me thirsty.'
Should you be smoking?
But you just passed it. I'm sitting right there next to that guy...
I like feet too. I'm just saying... 
I think he emphasized 'would.'
Excuse me, uh, I don't mean to cause any trouble here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place?
What were you doing watching the door anyway?
Oh, and before I forget, I have the checks for the first month, last month's security deposit. (laughs) I have seventy-five dollars left in my account.
What are you doing?
Oh, GREAT!
Jerry, you break up with a girl every week.
Oh, please.
Well I'm going to hell.
Oh, commander, isn't the wedding marvelous? More cake? Oh, I shouldn't. I mustn't. Ah, what the hell?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Here, pay. (Gives the check to Jerry)
Wow! What a story.
How could you not take the directions?
So what'd you do?
Mmm, hey, you know what? You wanna go see that new Meryl Streep movie?
He'll be here.
Oh, I...
So now you're going to keep going out with her, for spite?
Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.
Didn't work, huh?
Oh, oh, come on, please?
Uh ha.
Yeah, and then he stood me up. I don't get this guy.
Ah, Susan uses the sponge.
What? (shocked) What?! George, no way. You're engaged!
(Put her finger in George's face) You be careful George.
....And he said I could submit some of my own cartoons.
(guiltily) Ah... You're the woman from the street, and I am so sorry. You know, I'm not really a home-wrecker. I-I-I-I-I thought he was a superhero. I swear.
Hey, that's your Uncle Leo.
NO time for folding.. (Looks around) I think that's it. (Zips up the suitcase)
What is this?
I am never gonna fall asleep.
 Fish don't feel any pain.
You're pregnant.
What?
Well, nobody *told* me that!
There was a dog in front of the building and it spooked me. I couldn't come in until he left.
Oh, he's not on drugs.
I actually like ponies. I was just trying to make conversation. What time's your game?
(thinking) You know, my fingerprints are all over this. That doorman knows you're a friend of mine. He'll tell that co-op lady, she'll tell Mr. Pitt... Jerry, I'm in this too deep.
Oh, I know. There's a weak shower spray, I know. I've already thought about it, and I'm switching to baths. As Winston Churchill said, 'Why stand when you can sit?' Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies.
Aaawh...This is GREAT!!.....Now I'm gonna be stuck at the singles table with all the losers.
Ga-ga? When did that happen?
I'm not mad.
She won't even give you a hint?
Hey, thanks for ruining my mattress. It reeks.
This. My office. Sam trashed my office.
Oh my God. You're crying.
Oh, come on, we all have intense malaise. Right?
According to Puddy.
A quick question-- did she by any chance have a 212 phone number?
No, no, I'll be back.
It's all yours.
They took Babu away?!
You don't like her?
Relax. You'd think you were getting whacked.
Oh... It must be my new organizer.
Because he, well...he's just so good-looking.
Well, one of you better damn well take it!
We-Well, what are you gonna do about the stock?
Oh, so---so that's it?
I am? But that's so sick.
Yeah, I'm sorry, George. I can't help you out.
Uhh. No George!
Well, this you're not gonna believe. I found out why I was testing positive for opium. Poppy seeds!
Here's your plane ticket.
I do to.
I guess it's you, Jer.
This is his home?
Shoes? Shoes?! Shoes?! Shoes weren't invented till the fourth century! People walked around for thousands of years without them! (Puts her coat on over her nightie. He picks up his suitcase, she grabs it from him, then pushes him out of her way) I got this. Let's go!
Ah, I'm going to kill myself on that thiing. You can't even see it.
How can they not put the air conditioning on?
Well, you know, I mean, sometimes it's good to get there and make sure you get your seats and then go to the bathroom.
Statute.
 Well, they're not kept in little cages.
Half a bag? What am I, a hooker? Anyway, they look kind of cheap.
Yeah.
All right, here, you call him right now. See if he's sniffing right now.
I can find out.
And what time's the funeral?
(taking command) Alright, shut up. Shut up. Just let me think. I gotta think. We gotta get our story straight.
Five thousand dollars? I don't have five thousand dollars.
Oh, that's not too expensive.
Oh God. What are you getting Bob?
Well, maybe we should double. I'm pretty ga-ga myself.
Is he not gonna go to the coffee shop?
This is so nice of you to take us all out to dinner, George.
No, no. Jerry, I'm fine really. It's okay.
You know what I bet it is? (points) Your remote.
Wow. Look at this. We're cleaning up.
Mr. Petermen, this is not a cat fight. This is violent psychotic behavior directed at me all because are told her to swing her arms.
(To Kramer) Kramer, Kramer, look at him. (Gestures to Tabachnick) Look! He's eating all the food!
Yeah, let me tell you something: this is all in her mind, OK? She is insane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, rubbed her stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah, she's a wacko.
I'm not in the mood.
Hey, hey, wait a minute! Let me ask you something. Kramer, the last time you hit your head, was Mary Hart on TV?
Poor little bubble boy. He's sitting there waiting for you in his bubble, or igloo thing, whatever.
You know Jerry I really like this guy who's playing the butler.
I love her Jerry, she's so authentic. I really believe everything is actually happening to her. There's no acting there.
I thought pitchers and catchers did have a special rapport.
Hello?
Anyway, so how was the dinner?
I can't do it. No way, there's no how. (Tries to push George out the door. George resists.)
Forget it!
You know... I can't wait to get that dress..
Well, why do I need your permission?
Hi.
Sue Ellen sends me an invitation, one week before her wedding in India. Tst, I'll show her...
It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane.
Oh, I can't do that, it's a guy thing.
So, he's...
This bar is right in my back! It's making a dent.
Yeah.
Look, Kramer, I have to take this test ok, I don't have a lot of time.
I'm gonna go break up with Owen.
I'm afraid of dogs now.
Right, I think it's this...
Sure. (thinking) Ooh, a project. That's a definite signal.
How long does a funeral take?
Alright, (claps hands) here it is. This is what we'll tell 'em. You came to pick me up...
(as she comes in) 'What about the Velvet Fog?'
(disappointed) How am I going to get five thousand dollars?
Oh, this innocent looking shirt has something which isn't innocent at all. Touchability! Heavy, silky Italian cotton, with a fine almost terrycloth like feeling. Five button placket, relaxed fit, innocence and mayhem at once.
Who? Who is Ramon?
Yeah. Thanks. So, I'm gonna get tested again later, hopefully I'll get my job back and I will be on my way to Africa.
Did you try the cigarettes?
Yeah, but we have a common goal.
(Gives a 'That's a shame' face) Alright, well, I'll see ya. (Opens the door to exit. Kramer enters coughing. Elaine does her best to dodge out of the way of Kramer's coughs, then walks off)
Definitely. Are you?
(walking to the couch) Or, could be your walkman there.
Ugh. You wouldn't believe it. My boyfriend dumped me. My friends, who I don't even like, they won't talk to me. (face-pulling) All because I don't like that stupid English Patient movie.
Do you mean 'reer?'
Kramer!
Hello, Frank.
Oh, this is nuts! I can't get across anywhere!
 Yeah, yeah I've seen goldfish.  They're not unhappy.
I think they went out to dinner.
That is it!
Hi.
Yeah, yeah, I saw it. (mutters under her breath) I mean, it's complete bullshit.
Here just get off at this exit. We'll figure somethin' out.
Really?
I really admire actors, you know. It's just such an incredible skill.
What about me? I mean I just watched a few games with her sitting in the stands.
Ay, divorced. That's really too bad...
Oh, you hear that? That must be Kramer.
That's at the airport, right?
That poor priest. He was just visiting from El Salvador. Now he's gone completely loco.
Excuse me?
What about Georgie?
Oh yeah, I know all about make-up sex, and I'm really sorry. (Shoves George into the hallway and closes the door. George blocks the door with his foot.)
Arrive?
It is obtrusive, isn't it?
Oh, hi.
Spite Never sleeps (doing a little dance as she says it
Give me the money.
I know, but he does.
French impressionism. Oh, I love this. (Looking up at George) Now, what is the problem with this book?
I'm sweating here. I'm in bed, sweating.
An IQ test.
What?
Well he frightened me.
Oh, thanks. (thinking) That's no signal, who wouldn't like me in this leotard? I look amazing in this leotard.
It must be a mistake.
So you can't do both?
Yeah. That's what I just said.
'I'm going to that!'
What pool guy?
I can't believe you're buying your father a car.
Which one is he? 
Yeah.
What? What is goin' on with you two?
George, you didn't have to do this. I'm president of a big company. I can afford to buy you coffee.
Goodn-- (He starts to kiss her) What're you doing?
Yeah, I am.
Oh, come on. Good? What was good about it? (scoffs) Those sex scenes! I mean, please! Gimme something I can use!
Oh, no please Mr. Peterman, she's crazy! (Sam walks by and Elaine starts to sing) Crazy for feelings...
What are you doing here? I thought you were out of town for the weekend.
Yes, Lou. (exhales) You've got a lot going for you. You're um ... you're spontaneous. You're, symmetrical. You're, uh, ... (spins around as Lou is behind her now) Ehh - you're very quick, aren't ya. Um, It's just that your...
Kramer! Kramer.. any word from the vest?
How's it going'?
Yeah, yeah. Forget about all that. First thing is first. Warranty information. Name, we know that. Uh, hobbies. Skiing, racquetball...
Who's stopping you?
Lippman want's to see me in his office SEE ME! That can't be good
 Oh yeah, that's right.  Go ahead, go ahead, maybe you can run over a squirrel!
Call an ambulance.
It's really bad for the fetus. Do you know that.
That is it! Mary Hart's voice, don't you see? There's something about Mary Hart's voice that's giving you seizures. Just like, just like, just like that woman in Albany!
What...?
What's the matter?
Yes it is level jumping.
Hi.
All right, all right. You sound a little freaked out yourself.
Yeah. He thinks he saw the devil. He won't leave his room in the church basement.
I'm not moving in.
Yeah, so?
(thinking and typing) It was a cold winter's night in Timbuktu... (hits the keyboard) Oh! This stinks! (grabs a Himalayan walking shoe and starts squeezing it for inspiration) Oh, come on... come on...!...God! (quits)
I mean, is he allowed to do this? It's discrimination! I'm gonna call the states' attorney office. I really am.
I'm sure you'll have another fight, George. (Stamps on George's foot and closes the door.) (To Billy) Hold that thought!
Oh c'mon, Newman.
But you said it was in the store!.
Ohhh, it's coming in already!
You been enjoying them?
Well, relationships are very important to me.
How much do you want for it?
Hey! Hey, everyone. This way. I think we can get out through here.
It's for George.
So, what are you saying?
What is it?
No. He said I didn't need a shot.
OK. I don't quite know...
(thinking) Okay, he open-lips me, he dreams about me, we have an olive project...that's it, I'm asking this guy out. (to Greg) Um, you know Greg, I...
Perhaps there's more to him than meets the eye.
I don't know, who to root for, George's place has carpeting.
How can you even consider not going?
Yeah, I know what you were just. It's not helping.
'What are you talking about?'
Judy . 
Yeah, no problem.
Hey.
(sharp intake of breath) Hoh. A Cadillac! (impressed) Wow.
Did you see that?!
Oh, yeah. I see him. 
Yeah, of course.
All right, listen. Have you seen my addre-- (sees address book on counter) --ah! There it is. Okay. I got it. I'll see you later. (leaving)
What is your answer to number 74?
Yeah.
Rules.
(calling after) Hey. You forgot about my piece of pie. Hello? (irritated) You know, sex in a tub. That doesn't work!
I can't believe you told Kramer it's okay to put the cable in during the shower! Jerry, look,, look! They've eaten everything.
No. Your. (breathes)
(Handing George a ticket) Here. You're going to India with us tomorrow.
So, you had to carry some of Keri's stuff. Big deal.
Boy, we are REALLY anxious to sit down.
It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Um. Oh, here's one: race.
(Slow, as if remember a dream) I never new I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold metal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there.. and then.. I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car-pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.
Like we care if you go to the bathroom.
Maybe I'm getting' a wedgie.
We were walking down the block right by your house and I was just about to break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch.
Yeah, yeah, I got Cynthia on the other line.
Nothing. I didn't say anything.
I just went to get popcorn... Ugh... [shakes more popcorn] I just went to get popcorn, okay? And and and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there!
You're not still thinking about that are you?
So. Mom and Pop's plan was to move into the neighborhood...establish trust...for 48 years. And then, run off with Jerry's sneakers.
You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city. That's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast ones.
Melrose Place?
Calm down, I'll take care of it. (Ms. Walker looks suspicious of Elaine)
I mean, what compels a seemingly normal human being to do something like that?
They want five thousand dollars now.
Well, I mean don't you think that he was probably called Maestro while he was conducting, not in social situations. I mean his friends probably just called him Lenny.
All right. All right. Give me a tsate. Mmm! Oh God, I gotta sit down. What happened? Where's my armoire?
You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city? That's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast ones.
I had no idea you had this kind of money.
Jerry?
But I thought .. Nicole Miller was made.......
Wow, you have some very nice little seedlings here. Huh...
Well they're perfectly edible.
Look! No one knows how long this parade is gonna last! They are a very festive people. All I know is that it's Sunday night, and I have got to unwind! Now who's with me?!
What?
Yeah, can-look ... can I explain it to you later?
 Call Kramer.
So the spit could have only come from the front and to the right.
What?
Hey, we told you not to park there!
What, you think I should have?
Oh, yeah, sure. (Hands Greg her bottle.)
It's possible.
Hey Georgie, did you have any idea that anything was wrong?
You know, funerals always make me think about my own mortality and how I'm actually gonna die someday. Me, dead. Imagine that.
Okay, you came to pick me up at...
'Yeah, yeah! Arnold DEENSFREI:, he runs the AMCA '
Hi, Thank you so much for recommending me to Viking Press . 
What about this candelabra?
Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike. I don't even know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike.
Oh, it's a poster of the three tenors.
Why pass up the opportunity to go to prison? 
Oh, please. He wouldn't say that.
(stops, pause) Well, I. (a little ashamed) I guess I been at Reggie's..
No! Hypocalimia, not medibolic acidosis. Duh!
Uuhhh.
Three days.
You know what? We sell this thing at Peterman that would be perfect for you.
If there's anything you can do to get us a table we'd really appreciate it.
It certainly should be. It's nobody's damn business! But they really would like to know.
Good. Good. You?
Tell then to hurry! Hurry!
Now listen. I just don't know how a person, with everything we now know about pre-natal care can put a cigarette in her mouth.
Remember our pact. Full disclosure.
Yeah, I saw it. I saw it! I did, I saw it. Yep.
No no, I can't sit in the front row.
Oh good.
Yeah, I'm gonna work on that...
Alright, that's enough of this.
Kramer, what are you doing here?
Come on, let's go do something. I don't wanna just sit around here.
Unless you're married to a dictator.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Where is Dad?
I just didn't know you watched that.
I said I'll take care of it!
You know I really hate my clothes.
I don't have five thousand dollars.
Maestro huh? O.K. (laughing)
Wha--?
Yeah, I thought you were doing okay. I just didn't think you were in this kind of, you know, uh... position.
What?!? He doesn't have one appointment this whole month!?! Oh come on. I am dying here man. Hello, hello. 
Well, it doesn't seem to be coming in so good over here. Or here.
I'm with you. I'm going back to my place.
(Speaking confidentially to George) George, don't even think about it! Don't even dream about it!
George is on his way up.
Would you please?!
Dick was fired.
Dan! Oh, hi Dan, how are you?
You know that guy downstairs?
Well, you should have come to my house to pick it up.
All right, that's a good idea. I'm gonna do that.
What happened? It looks the same. 
(shocked expression; thinking) Oh my God.
He's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.
Uh, Kramer. Kramer, I'd like you to meet my friend Wendy.
You see? Again.
'I know that but why are you going?'
Manuscript? 
No we didn't. You take these things too literally. It's like saying, you're hungry enough to eat a horse.
Yeah. It is kind of cool. 
Kevin and his friends are nice people! They do good things. They read..
Oh yes you are. We'll just stop having sex.
Well, you should never ever go anywhere, (shakes a box of Tic Tacs) without these.
Pliers?
No. No. It's a small men's carryall.
No no, I want to eat now! (she gets the money from under the page)
What?
(Confused) What is wrong with this book?
Boy, he takes such a long time.
It's disgusting.
I didn't say anything.
Excuse me. I'm sorry to make you do this, but I got stuck in the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't let me get through. There's no way to get around that cart...
I can't stand around here for *two hours*!
(shocked) What?
So what?
I want a small, plain vanilla in a cup to go. That's non-fat, right?
What?
I gotta go to the Dixieland Deli to pick up Mr. Pitt's security pass for the parade.
What?
Want to go get something to eat?
Right. Exactly. So I imagine at some point somebody's going to offer me some cantaloupe?
Is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Can't you have coffee with people?
I mean every time I mention it you never say anything or join in the conversation.
I open up my closet, there's just nothing.
Street toughs took my armoire?
Yeah and I was just leaving. Bye-bye Jerry. (smiling as she closes the door. Jerry looks at her like he can not believe she left him on his own)
(smiling) So, when're you getting back from Florida?
Hi E-an
Jerry I am at doctor Zimmerman. I am at the end of the alphabet. 
Well, I don't know... h- how long have you been shaving your head for?
If the homeless don't like them the homeless don't have to eat them.
He wouldn't give me his number because he doesn't have a phone. (unwrapping a lollipop) He's not married. He's poor. (puts lollipop in her mouth)
All right! Come on. Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
Who told you this:
Oh!
Later!
You knew he was an alcoholic. Why'd you put the drink down at all?
Um, oh, this is um, Kramer.
Married women don't 'get together'. They have affairs.
I'll try and remember that. [Pause] Where's my meal?
No, actually, you're not being funny now.
Jerry, the auction is in a few hours. 
Oh, it was nothing, for-forget it. (George enters the gym.)
Kramer! That... Kramer! I'm just about to leave, he calls me up. He begs me to sit in his car for two minutes, so he can pick up these birds...
Alright, you came right upstairs, without talking to the doorman.
'What you do!!. You don't do anything.'
Oooh!! 
No, that's too much money to borrow.
This is not the point. (emphatic) The point is, you just can't have the bike.
I can't believe we're doing this. This is the kind of thing they do in the movies. 
I wouldn't sign one.
Books, Jerry.
Ah, I think I'm on the outs with Brett. I got shushed during Desperado.
(entering, uneasy) Mr. Peterman, Peggy, I.. guess we, should just get this over with. (sits)
Got it.
You want to go to India?
No, I got to stay here and wait for the call.
It's not a purse. It's European.
Here, take this. I'm starving. Take it! Take it!
laughing awkwardly: Oh. Right. Good one.
You know what he does in there? He gargles.
Are you OK? What? What?
And now he's gone. I'm sure he's looking for the car. Five minutes, that's all. I just want to find him.
Oh fine, I don't like to be around people who are just so irresponsible.
Excuse me? Excuse me, but I didn't get a meal.
[heavy sarcasm] Oh. Thanks.
Tomato Sauce?
You mean...?
People go to South America.
Kramer, what's the matter with you?
'Cause I'm on a special diet, and the doctor said I can't have any fat.
He finds his laugh 'intoxicating.' (Laughs like Woody Woodpecker, and exits.)
So go buy a new one.
I don't care, I'm not hungry.
He has to go. He may have killed her.
You mean this whole time we could have been discussing Sydney and Michael and Jane...
Nothing. I hate everything I have, I really hate it. (The weeping increases in volume and intensity) I mean, at this point, it's like I can wear something three or four times and that's it.
I can't believe this!
I don't know. (big smile) Just, things seem a little more exciting when you're around. That's all.
E-an
There on vacation. Every doctor in this city seems to know who I am .
Huh.
Fine.
I can't believe we broke up like that.
He probably busted it up and burned it for heat.
(Cutting Jerry off, she stands up, trying to get away from the book. Yelling out) Alright! Everyone clear! Bio-hazard coming through! Clear! Clear!! (Runs to the bathroom to wash her hands)
Get in there!
My back.
But why? Why can't you do it?
Yes, yes! (Jerry shaking his head, like he can't believe what he's seeing)
I don't know, I don't know, what should we do? We called an ambulance, does anyone know first aid?
I'm not saying anything.
What's going on?
Are you actually considering this?
Oh, hey, listen, by the way, have you seen a tall... lanky... doofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein?
You can still go. 
Yup, you mean him?
Ugh! You are kidding me.
Well, he said he'd drive me here right after. So, I am sitting in his car twenty minutes! He doesn't come down. I am freezing. Then a cop comes by, tells me to get out of the car. He's a city marshal. He's towing the car away. Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets. He was going to tow it with me in the car! So, they tow the car. Now, I am standing outside, and I am freezing, but I cannot leave because I have to tell him what happened to the car. So, finally, he finally comes down with his giant cage filled with doves. He said he was getting special instructions, that each dove has a different diet... So, we're wandering around trying to get a cab, when two of these doves fly out! Now we're running down the street after these doves; I almost got hit by a bus! (Elaine sits in Alton's chair and takes a deep breath.) So how's everything going over here?
(intense) So what? No-one's gonna believe a doorman!
(pointing at the shoes) 'What are those?'
Yeah! hmmm..I gotta go.. 
What did you do, ransack the place after she died?
(Blunt, to the point) No.
Can you give us a hand with some of these boxes, Bob?
Really? 
Well! I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the, excruciating minutia, of every, single, daily event..
He is just in his own world when he hears that song. It's like, I'm sitting there in the car, and he's.. out riding fences.
Oh. No, we're not--
I...eh...I got a piece a my heal stuck in a slicer.
No, I just..
Hey, did George buy Joe Mayo that chair yet?
No no, no, I want that table. I want that table! Oh, come on, did you see that? What was that? He took the money, he didn't give us a table.
Really?
Yeah, he does it like six times a day.
Remember that biography I recommended? MY BOSS HATED IT
No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.
I guarantee they don't sell either one of those tickets.
Yes, I'm sure! I would know if a tray of food had been served to me.
Oooh no, I don't think so.
So, because of a few bad apples you're gonna impugn an entire continent?
(to everyone) Oh, that's the Mohel.
So.
What are we gonna do there? Talk?
So, I had what you might call a little encounter this morning.
Oh, yeah, but I didn't say I hated anyone who had one.
Why? Why were you so embarrassed?
It's getting to be a terrible problem for me.
Wha -- the Soup Nazi threw me out.
(squeaky) Sure, sure.
Bob!
Dr. Resnick. He's not listed. 
We were just trying to help.
Do you want something to read?
How can I end it over money? I feel bad.
That... That bed. The bar was right in my back.
But why? Why don't you want to?
 You sure you don't need any help?
What extremities?
What could I be saying?
Oh, can't, I'm going to the Knicks-Bulls game.
Yeah, it's like hitting a car and driving away without leaving a note.
Are you going down?
Hurry, Jerry! Hurry!
You think? 
I bought mine yesterday on 14th Street.
No, Kramer. You don't understand. This could be my fault.
Well, what did you think she was gonna do?
(hopeful) Oh, you were?
(aggressive, with finger pointing) Just stick with the story. We'll be fine. Let me do the talking!
(she leaves hurriedly) I gotta gooo... 
Of course I'd pay you back..
I'm getting out of here. Can I borrow your jacket?
(grudging) Alright.
Eh, I like mine.
(sexily) I want you so bad, Bob. You turn me on...
I'll see you later man. I gotta go.
Yes. You're right. We need to find 'our' song.
How are you gonna widen the lanes?
Okay, I got a little slicer happy, but listen; don't tell Kramer, okay? He has very strong feelings for it.
If I'm gettin' him a new fur, I'm not chippin' in on a gift, too.
Well, how could he do that?
No, but... it is very nice to know.
Because he does it quiet. He does it quiet. Lookit, Just like this, watch.
Remember that Columbus book?
But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?
Oh, yeah, when George made that bad toast!
Kosher meal? I don't want a kosher meal. I don't even know what a kosher meal is.
Jerry, we're friends! We can't do that, it would ruin our friendship.
Hello.
Ouhhh (Kramer disappears back behind his wall as Elaine opens the dressing room door)
I'll go if I don't have to talk.
Yes.
Good. 'Cause Dad can make some people a little uncomfortable.
That is *so* stupid. Why don't you just confess?
Thank god I found you.. 
Hey.
...so much. You're so damn...sexy.
Hi, yeah, I'm Elaine Benes, we met at Barney's... </font>
(Sourly) I'll make a note of it.
Look. (engaging smile) We don't have to name names, or, point fingers, or.. (breathes in) name names! (indicating empty chair) Me and her, have had our problems. She and I have had our problems! You and I, and she and you--
I think I might.
Well, are you going to take a nap or --
Yes. There was this homeless guy who used to urinate on our garbage cans.
If I was saying something I would have said it.
Oh, well, maybe we'll run into you.
Is anything wrong?
Then why didn't you take it?
Hey Drake! Hi Drake!
Not so good.
What would you wear? 
To please Mr. Pitt.
No, what?
 Yes it is.
Good. Now fix me a drink.
It's cold out, and I didn't bring my own. Jerry! God forbid I should borrow one from Holly. It might have belonged to grandma Memma. Thanks for mutton.
Hey. Is that your horse outside?
Hi, Susan.
I don't want it.
(sexy) Ohh. I'm starting to unbutton.
Oh..Nice to meet you.
(points) I like Witchy Woman.
Make it clear?
(in Jerry's apartment) Ah, I've given up. So, now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants. I figure that'll cover us either way.
(Faking a broken heart) Oh yes. I know all about his little performance in the break room.
I don't even know if I can go scuba diving.
We talked about that already.
Oh yeah, the curse toast.
Look, Marla. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here's the one thing you've gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality it's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there.
You're eating my food!
My God this is fantastic! Tell me, were you guys just blown away or what?
Jerry no, that's important to me.
No. 
Um, it was, uh...'Next Stop Pottersville.' (The group is unimpressed.) Uh, do you know when they're giving out the passes?
Okay. I'm gonna check my machine first. (Elaine sees a pad of paper by the phone; reading) Picking someone up at the airport, jury duty, waiting for cable guy...
Yes. I spotted him getting his mail. And at first, I was just going to walk on by, but then I thought, 'No no no. No. Do not be afraid of this man.'
Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?
So what are you going to do?
Kramer, if she wants to change her hair...
You still got that Fedex? 
Down boy, nice doggy . I'm a nice person. Don't believe what you hear.
(sits beside Jerry) What?
(dropping the sexy voice) Anything getting through? Bob?
Can you let go of my tongue now?
... I'm a friend of George Costanza's. (while she is talking, she is dragging George in by pulling his ear)</font>
Yes! And I am convinced that if she were here with us today, she would agree with me, too.
(into phone) Yuh, I'd like an order of supreme flounder, number forty-seven. Yeah, apartment one-Q.
You're just going to sit there staring at the back of a seat?
Nina? Nina? No. Psshhh.. Not weird. No. Nina.
Well, we gave him a few bucks, and... now he goes in the alley across the street.
Him? Him who?
 Call him again.
Okay, what about a cold compress? They always do that.
I said it.
(heading for the bathroom) Be down in a minute.
Uh, great!
What did you think, she was going to take some of that chalk and...
 Yeah.
Man, Kramer! I could kill him!
'He thinks you're mentally challenged.'
Well Jerry, it might take a while for me to pay you back. Maybe a few years. How do you feel about that?
Hi. Come in, come in. Have a seat.
(Not committing to the conversation) It doesn't matter to me.
You know, Witchy Woman. (sings) 'Ooo-ooh, wit-chay woman'.
You can't tell that story now. It belongs to Peterman.
Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo?
(Confused) Love newton?
Me too
Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow. What is about being up early? They all turn into farmers suddenly.
Ya, Yes we will!
Did you find the place alright?
You took her medicine. 
I'm really sorry, but you can see why I'd make a mistake like that.
I'd better not.
Oh, what is this?
So, I walked up behind him and I tapped him on the shoulder. And I said, 'Hi, remember me?' And he furrows his brow, as if he's really trying to figure it out. So I said to him, I said, 'You little phony. You know exactly who I am.'
George, I met this woman. She is not traveling to any other dimensions.
Oh, who do you think you are? Castanza?
No I'll take my chances. Come on...( Grabs him by the coat and head back to his place) 
(laughing it away) Oh God. I lost a button, so my blouse was wide open. I musta left it at the theatre.
Bye Eeeen.
Let go of my tongue!
Ah, (releases George&rsquo;s ear) whether you're aware of it or not George had this pathetic little plan to, leave something behind so he could weasel a second date.</font>
(uh-oh) Her?
That's the janitor closet, across the street.
That's it! I cannot take this! I mean, look at this, nothing has changed. We've been back together two hours, we're having the same problems we had 12 hours ago.
Oh, hi, oh God. I didn't here you come in.
I don't know. Nina. Nina! (Feeling she's said to much, she goes to leave) I'm gonna go grab a bite.
Well boys, I did it. I had to stay up all night but I finally came up with a great New Yorker cartoon.
Well, I am NOT paying Glenn off to get out of this relationship. Wh-what am I supposed to do, just walk into his hovel, and hand him... well, how much do you think it would be?
(Into the intercom) Yeah?
You can go.
Hayman The gym teacher? You found him?
Well use a paper towel.
Nothing. It's exhausting being with you.
Oh my god.
Here in this little apartment?
(OC) It's me.
Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun...
Oh man, there is nothing like a really big TV, huh?
So I made a little list of people who might've made the mannequin. You know, possible suspects. 
Oh, come on. One thing? One thing! What?
 Aren't you gonna invite me upstairs?
'Well ,what happens when you show up . He'll see that you're not.?'
Well, you know, money can sometimes come between friends.
Oh, sure.
So you're giving him a discount too?
What? What is so funny?
You signed the release.
Did he get it?
An addict? (Sacrcastic) Well, it just keeps getting better!
How do you know his name?
Eh.
So who's playing Elaine?
No Jerry, it is out of the question. You know what sex does to a friendship, it kills it.
You know, George, that's an onion.
Look it, gentlemen. The fact remains you still have no proof. This is all speculation and hearsay.
(setting down her glass) Oh, ya haha.
I don't know. We got into this whole thing about how podiatrists aren't real doctors. 
Hi Julie.
Well, you know, because he's a high talker.
What? What?...
I got some for you.
I did. I most certainly did. And he said, he goes, 'Oh, yeah. You're Jeanette's friend. We did meet once.' And I said, 'Well, how do you go from that to totally ignoring a person when they walk by?'
Oh god this tastes terrible.
Jerry , I need that Fedex right now.. 
Yeah, I know. I have to go check it out. It's a beautiful button too, you know. It's antique ivory. It was my mother's.
Well, I should get going.. (The Doctor leans in for a kiss. Elaine stops him) What are you doing?
Hey.
I know, he- he has a real confidence problem.</font>
Ah--this is part of the problem!
It's better than eating it alone in the restaurant, like some loser.
Oh, please! I took you back. You know it, I know it, Vegetable Lasagna here knows it.
I don't know, I don't know...we had HoHos for dinner and then eh...and then he put this plastic bag over his head and started running around until he got tired and then he laid down somewhere I...I tell you I'm no good watching that kid.
That is not the point.
Oh, heh heh heh. Who are they running against?
He's coming up. (Buzzes him in) He's coming up..
 Six hundred and twenty million people died.
So? How was it?
Well I've got to get going. I'm meeting a guy with grey sweatpants.
Uh huh...
There's this blind guy at a party I was at, and he felt my face for a really long time. You know, to see what I looked like. He almost put his finger up my nose. 
 I would love to go upstairs.
Phoenix? What's happening with his appartment?
Oh, Kramer.
Let me think about it.
(disbelief) Wha...?! (uncontrolled laughter) Ha ha ha. Ha, no.
Hi.
Hem!! No reason.
Yeah. 
At Yankee Stadium?
What?
He sat in mud. Not you.
I am totally loving it. Uh, you know ... we should um ... get going.
See, this is what Jerry's doesn't understand. We can see each other. We can see each other every day, but it doesn't mean we are back together.
Mmm, good. Tell him I'm out.
Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is that I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway. He was cheating on me!
Babu! Ba-If-if ya don't mind?
I never told you his name.
I still smell!
I'm *really* hungry!
Really?
No!
He couldn't tell an apple from an union and he's your eye witness?
Ohh, what are you gonna do? You gonna put on phony beards and dress-up like Arab sheiks and sit around in some hotel room. I mean come on...
(to Myra) He's very highly recommended. So...
Um, hi! Hi. I called earlier about getting the yogurt tested.
It's you fault. You just got me thinking. 
Oh, well then I better get going otherwise George will make me buy him lunch to make up for that big salad he bought me yesterday.
No. No, no, no, not a loud talker, a high talker.
(backing away from Kramer) Eeaawww...
No no no no no, these are good. Listen, listen: You ran out of underwear, you can't leave the house.
And he says, he says, 'Look, I just didn't want to say hello anymore, All right?' And I said, 'Fine. Fine. I didn't want to say hello anymore either, but just I wanted you to know that I'm aware of it!'
Oh, hi, Dad.
No.
Well, I didn't know that it was a manuscript that I had to read... 
Down doggy . oh oh a a a a a
(laughter) Don't be ridiculous! (laughter) I mean, why would anyone wanna sleep...
A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa with the bumps and the papillae? ..Yech, I don't think so. (Leaves)
George...</font>
(smiling, convincing) You're a, huuge part of the problem. But, I think that at it's core, this is a Susie-and-Elaine problem that requires, a Susie-and-Elaine solution! And, who better to do that than.. Elaine and Susie! Susie and Elaine!
(heading to door) How do you know about it? You're not in the delivery zone.
Ugh, I hope a giant mountain rises out of the ocean and we just ram right into it and end this whole thing!
No! I'm a scatter brain. That's why I probably can't hold a job or keep a man!
Just read it!
If only he could have been cheating on his wife, you know, things would have been so much simpler.
At least it wasn't atomic.
 Thousand.  Six hundred and twenty thousand.  The horror, the horror. (To Jerry)  The wife keeps giving us dirty looks.  Are you sure you gave him the right directions?
Hey, let me ask you something something. Did George buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper? (Jerry is unconfortable) Ooookay, you just gave me the answer.
Wait, I got another call, that must be Jerry.
Well, that'll get you goin' right there...
OK, I'm not gonna tell you the rest of the list. 
Ah, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out four years ago, I-I've been sub-letting my apartment from her.
The balance beam?
 We'll see.
Three hundred a month? Oh, my God.
You wanna go out with him?
I don't know... I don't know. Five thousand... let me just take one more look at it.
So, essentially, you chose soup over a woman?
Jerry, he want me to fix him up with Marisa Tomei. I am not gonna be a part of this!
...Well, obviously... You know... (disbelief) Ap..ap, Chu... Why would you think I was having an affair with George?
Wouldn't it be easier just to punch him in the mouth? 
This is nice.
Oh really? 'Cause it looks a little big for you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man might wear.
What? Betrayed? Oh, Vincent, I'm so sorry. I...
(Stern) Ya didn't! You never sat in mud!
What smell?
Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry, Puddy. It-it was a mistake. So, let's just put it behind us, and we can continue like this never happened.
Of course she treats skin cancer. That's how I met her, she was doing a skin cancer screening at Peterman. That's what dermatologists do.
(to George) He's still down with his folks.
Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to uh-
Set.
It's Elaine Marie Benes.
No no no no no, that'll, it'll drip all over him.
Wait a second, who are we talking about here?
Who is it?
Noo!
Uh, does it matter if it's melted?
I've got nothing against the foot. I'm pro-foot. 
it's Elaine 
You don't think his voice sounds a lot like yours?
How about: You've been diagnosed as a multiple personality. You're not even you. You're Dan.
This cantaloupe stinks.
No. I'm sick of shaking. You've got to shake everything.
Did you do with the dogs?
Well, you really did me in this time, didn't ya? First guy I like in a really long time. I mean, we're getting along, everything is just great. I mean, all right, so he doesn't do... everything, and then you have to come along with your hot and your heavy.
Oh.
 ... Anyway I know you told him you didn't have the hat because you didn't want to see him again. And, more sympathetic I could not be. But, I really do need to have the hat back.</font>
(feigning hearing something) What?! Oh! Oh, I'm, coming! I--I gotta go. (rushes out!)
Well, mine's coming in ten, so... see you boys.
(neutral) Okay.
All right, but I'm running out of purses here. (takes her purse from a punch ball.)
Pretty good? Well uh! This is a gem . Kramer look it....(Kramer stays silent).....What? It's funny.
Green Lantern.
(whispering to Jerry) Yes!
Yes you did, yes you did. I saw your expression.
Yeah, ok. [clicks over] Hello?
Cows, well that's fascinating...
Because you have an attitude. 
(gasps in mock surprise) Not the pommel horse?
No one.
Well, it's just that... uh, I don't...
Yeah. You know what I just realized? Suddenly, George has become much more normal than you.
You wanna meet her. You wanna see if she likes you?
(recalling the arranged lie) Yeah, yeah, I did have to talk with him. I definitely had to talk with him. Having a problem with my boyfriend.
Oops! (bumps into Levitan) 'Scuse me. 
Party of four? Who are we meeting?
Who did that? Who did that?!?
Kramer, do you have any idea what you've done?
It ever happened! Understand?
No no, oh, you know what that is? I um, went claming the other day and I forgot to hose off my boots.
Well, either way...
You're not taking me back?
Gimme the jacket, furface, this is not Seinfeld you're dealing with! When I get through with you, you'll be begging to go to the pound!
Oh my God! It's all over the test!
Hello.. so did you ever find out who that woman was?
Right, Joe Divola
Oh, my God (not in the mood to be kidding)
What, no, it doesn't matter. Jerry, I don't care.
That's okay.
Do you think I should call him and apologize? 
Oh! 
Hi Tina.
Well, it's no big deal, you know, it's just that he can sound like a woman, you know?
Here, here. Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot believe you're doing this. This is absolutely infantile.
So, I'm going out tonight with Robert and the boss and his wife.
These dogs were chasing me. And no cab would stop and I had to get off the street. Then I remembered that you lived here.
He wrote a song about it!
(in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter) Kramer!
You know, Eddie, that might be just a tad harsh for womenswear.
Portuguese?
Hi. Sorry, I didn't hear you. I was in the shower.
(neutral) Fine.
So now the *other* Lippman kissed me.
Aha.
And he's saying ' I wish I was taller' ha ha. See? that's his complaint.
(not amused) All right.
(to George) I'm gettin' his mail.
Oh, don't worry. We'll get you home to your husband real soon.
Shut up. Shut up! (Answers phone) Hello? No, who's calling? Oh my god, the dog guy. Where have *you* been? Yeah, well you better pick up your dog tonight or he has humped his last leg.
 Have you noticed, people don't use straws as much as they used to for some reason.
How much did he save?
What did he have to say?
Oh, gimme a break!
What?
Oh, cristal clear!
(pushing Jerry over to the Mohel) Ok, go.
So, what do you think?
So you guys are tryin' to work it out! That's great!...
Fine.
Hello
Yeah. Come on. I mean, think about it. He's engaged to be married. Your top priority is soup.
(shrill) You're engaged!
Yeah, Art Vandelay.
Well then you wouldn't mind if we took a second look around?</font>
What're you doing?
I'll see you.
Yeah, clam and scallop. I clam and scallop.
David...
He's not idiotic. He's the Wiz. And nobody beats him. Nobody...
Your whole weekend? What about the bubble boy?
I've been out with him three times, I should know the mans name.
You cannot believe what I'm going through. That card is plastered all over the office. Everybody is calling me, Nip! ... Yeah. That's my new nickname at the office. Nip! These guys keep asking me out for drinks. Not only that, Fred, you know the guy I told you about? He hasn't called me in three days. ... [sees card] Oh please!
Listen, was Russell at the casting?
That is so ridiculous.
So, I haven't seen you in a while.
Well, he looks like a man.
I dunno, at least three weeks.
Deal with it. Be a man!
Yeah, I think I might.
I'm just thinking about the question.
They just don't like me. It's a long story. I can tell you one day but I can't tell you right now.
No! It's not a good thing! It's a bad thing! Do you know what this is like? To have no control over a relationship? And - and you feel sick to your stomach all the time? Do you know what that's like?
(pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer.
Hellllllooooo.
What
Hello. 
How come he's gettin' so smart? I stopped having sex with Ben three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese?
Wha..wha...?
(neutral) Alright.
What?
I don't know, I guess.
Do you!!!.. because that's not a normal complaint.
So when are we gonna eat?
(annoyed) We get it. (George is laughing)
Well, I, for one, really respect that.
Oh man! Look at this... I'm out of time anyway.
(very uninterested) Uh, you have to work like that?
Her too.
(on intercom) It's Elaine.
Jerry!
Ghandhi?
Are there any good Italian restaurants around here?
Hi, Kramer. Guess what - I just saw Bryant Gumbel, he said he might help out at the benefit!
Go.
What do you mean, like laundry?
You don't like them?
Oh, he went insane?...
. . . shut up! (?)
I'm kinda full.
Yeah, I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing. I told you ten times.
My manuscript? 
You're welcome.
Yeah. All right. You made the right decision.
(smiling) No, no. (laughing) Huh-hu-hu. It's okay.
Hi. 
Alright that's it! We're back together!
I'm sorry you have to go.
Well, I guess I better go and price fur coats.
(to George) Mm-hmm.
Jerry! (THEN SHE CHECKS HER FISH)
No no no no, Kramer, I just had lunch with him, he didn't leave the table.
It's Elaine.
Is he stalking you? are you kidding me?
John F. Kennedy Jun-ya! 
You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All right here. [rubs George's head on her breasts] Here's your Christmas card.
You know, I'm a little bit worried about him. I don't understand. We had one date two months ago. Am I that charming and beautiful?
No.
Yeah, like a swoosh. 
Well, what is it?
He's bald. I know that's a guy thing.
Jerry, that is such small potatoes. I think that I may have single-handedly put the kibosh on the big water merger.
You made a man cry? I've never made a man cry. I even kicked a guy in the groin once and he didn't cry. I got the cab.
Yeah, yeah, hello.
That's it. That's it. Stop right here.
We'll have to sleep head to toe.
You know, one of these days, something terrible is gonna happen to you. It has to!
Huh?
is it?
Yes. Who it this? 
I don't know. It's just the last coupla days my mind has been, not good.
Well, Mr Seinfeld, I..I'm not sure I understand why you want a job here.
(upset) Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?
(following Kramer to the door) Okay. Kramer, Kramer, wait a minute. Do you still have that pricing-gun?
Ooh, I've got stump troubles. The Sanitation Department won't get rid of them all, I can't get a truck to haul this stuff until next week. Meanwhile, I'm sitting on a mountain of stumps.
I know what it means, but what does being a shiksa have to do with it?
You have a little thing for this fella'?
Everything with you has to be so .. jokey.
Thank you. (gets up from her seat)
Hey, it's me.
Hey! Guess who's not married.
Oh, my god.
Mrs Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on.
I guess you figure you're in for a pretty wild night?
Anything else?
You had an affair with Ghandhi? MRS. O: He used to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over my body. Here, look... [shows Elaine a picture of the two together]
(Between laughs) What is that?!
C'mon
What's wrong?
(awkward, increasingly avoiding eye contact) Well. Uh. I don't know about sick. I mean, maybe it was somebody who, didn't wanna talk to whoever was answering because whoever was answering was always making boring chit-chat, an' was completely oblivious to the fact that the person who was calling, didn't want to speak to them, ah!
George! It's cheating.
It is so forgotten.
(Yelling out) He's got nothin'!
(sneezes) 
Oh, poor George. Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't stay long. I don't want to run into Doctor Tongue.. Here, I brought you something. (Takes out a pint of ice cream. George gets excited) Oh, please, come on.. it was nothing.
Fifty thousand yen? Isn't that only a few hundred dollars?
Uhhh...</font>
Oh, yeah.
What are you talking about?
Oh, that was awful. Poor Antonio. (Waiter hands Elaine two bags of food to go) ..Thanks.
KRAMER!
Uhh.
You know the only reason I'm doing this is because you took Audrey to the hospital.
He is not a drug addict!
Um, I'll just have a glass of water.
Oh, Jerry, why didn't you tell me his name! Oh my god, he accused me of seeing someone else, he said tell me his name, he said tell me his name!!
There was a bit of an accident.
(Smiling) He was in my aerobics class. 
Oh, my God... The Mohatma?
Get movin'...
Why do I keep setting you up?
No!
(feels the fabric) It must be the fabric. It's rubbing between you thighs when you walk. That's what's making that swooshy sound. 
It shrinks?
Kicked out?! Why?!
I know he belches a lot.
Yeah. Started a big name controversy.
Kramer You got go back in there grab my manuscript. 
Yes! As a matter of fact! David Putty won't do the move anymore.
I'll take it!
Well I felt bad about the spying, so you know, ,I got them tickets to the show.
What? What do you need a rope for?
Head to toe.
I can't! He's got a big showcase for record producers at his late show tonight. I don't wanna upset him. Aw, what the hell, I'll upset him.
Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie?
What the hell was that?
Dam
Yeah. What is this all about 
What? What are you talking about?
Well, for one thing, you live in Florida.
(dismissive) Gene's trash.
Okay, I need you to help me put Putumayo outta business.
Bus? Wait a minute, wait a minute, bus? You've got a bus?
Oh, that's insane.
I wish I was taller, that's, that's, that's nice. that's real.
Oh, well I have to eat.
(leaning over to George) Ooh, (fake laugh) well crafted. (exits)
(trying to understand what they're talking about) What?
(Sarcastic) Oh, that's nice. What are you up to?
Come on, father, you can make it.
I've lost 6 pounds.
(O.C.) Jerry! JERRY Elaine?!
Well listen I'm going to (?) do you want me to stop by?
 Thanks a lot.
Nope.
He's giving me a ride You know there had to have been a second spitter. But who was it? Who had the motive?
Wow. You really have a terrible voice.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kramer, Kramer... Hold on a second. I don't get this. This woman has *never* been with a man her *entire* life--
(To Jerry) Why're you wearing that now?
Okay, I'm done.
Too tight?
(looks at Noreen) I'm really sorry, Noreen...
 Hey, guess what?  I'm going to the Super Bowl with Tim Whatley.
Ohh... it's snowing. It's beautiful.
What do you mean bald?
Hey, wake up. It's 8:30 you were supposed to walk me up at 7:15.
Hey.
Yes it is!
Okay. (relieved) Okay, no problem.
Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much. (blowing nose) Really. I mean that. I am not one of those people who give insincere thank you's. No sir. No sir. When I thank someone I really thank them. So, thank... yoooou! 
In them?!
This is an absolute disaster.</font>
Get those clothes off. You're going to spend the night and we're going to cuddle.
88th Street? That's where Joe Mayo lives. That's the coat!
I need to replace an antique piece of cake.
Till when - till he goes back to Seattle, or till he can feed himself?
What? (he bumps her with his butt to move over)
WILL YOU PLEASE PUT SOMETHING ON.
(O.C.) Jerry! Over here...
Yeah.
A cookie!
Why not? That's all I want.
Oooohh, what about me!
No, you don't understand - he was working out right in front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at the exact same moment, and he says to me, (Thinking the world of what he said) 'Quite a workout.' 
What? Oh, no... nothing for me thanks.
What, Ocean.
(entering as Jerry heads to the register) Hey, we're gonna go see Babu now, right?
Take it easy. Bye-Bye Alison!
(to the waitress) Could we get a little more? (she doesn't listen and walks away) Aghh... You know ever since this new owner took over, the service here is *really* slow.
Uhm excuse me... uh... a man came in here...
Well your views on race relations are just, fascinating. You really should do an Op-Ed piece for the Times. (Op-Ed stands for Opinions and Editorials)
Why does it shrink?
Yeah? Like what?
Yeah.
all right then, where is it?? 
Oh, he's come up with some other move. You should see this thing.
Oh, hi, Roxanne. Nice to be here. These are my friends. This is George, and this is Jerry.
Wait, wait. I didn't get to tell you about my new job.
I don't know. Now, I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't do this.
(bearing up) I'm fine.
Why did you introduce me to your parents?
What do we do? You get your ass over to Beth's, toot sweet. That's what you do and turn on some of that so called charm you're always telling me about.
Hello, hello. 
I don't understand.
(looking around her desk) Where is your resume?
(forcing a smile) Hi.
Oh, how could I not like it? Of course I'll like it.
You got any room on that thing?
I am not buying a computer from you.
I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks, The New Yorker. that's right. They're publishing it in their next issue. Oh! you know what I just ran into Newman in the hall and he said you tried to grope Sally Weaver.
Eat it in the cab? Chinese food in a cab?
My fake boyfriend is going through real withdrawals.
Do you have anything that's been...you know, laying around for a while? Something prewar would be just great.
No! I won't!
(CONT'D) Where have you been?
Yup. You?
Uhh, I don't think so.
Marla and I went out for coffee and afterwards I was crossing the street and he was biking right towards me. So I got out of the way just in time, but then he ran into a parked car. He hit his head and everything went flying.
George! [waves hi]
Oh, the remote! Okay, I'm just gonna put it on top of the television...
When did she, (Snickers) when did she ask you this?
I think they look good!
Hey, Noreen, don't go by me! Ha ha.
 We went out for coffee last night and he offered me a ticket.
Oh, me too.
You're a wake up guy. Don't you have calls to make?
(looking for support) Jerry!
(unconvincing) Yeah. Oh, yes, yes, he was very helpful. (hesitant) Uhm, because, you know, Art and I were getting into this whole thing about his business. Uhm, you know he's an importer-exporter.
People don't say ' God bless you ' as much as they used to. Have you noticed that? 
Oh, Kevin...you can go on and on about how you don't want kids...and it sounds, it sounds really nice, but...the truth is, I don't know if you mean it or not.
You stole her clock?</font>
These Kramer stories are unusable! (Thumbs through them) I mean, some of them aren't even stories! (Holds one out) Look, this is a list of things in his apartment!
That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over ninety-nine cents.
You heard me. Strip!
Take care of yourselves. (Leaves)
What?
What do I need this for?
How's he gonna chew it?
(Smiling, proud) I said, 'yeah.' 
Elaine Benes?
Oh, I'm just gonna go say hi to Cheryl. (walking over to the booth) Hi.
Mmm. They're putting a little lemon in the tuna. I love that.
(looking in the box) Well what is this?
I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
Ah, I didn't know who he was!
What are you doing?
Oh god.
Oh, it's a lot of just fancy-shmancy stuff. You know what it's like? It's like a big budget movie with a story that goes *nowhere*.
Jerry's the one who got me my new apartment.
Writing for the J. Peterman catalogue.
KRAMER:, are we doing a bad thing?
There he is.
(after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good to, good to see you.
Come on Todd. Admit it, this is a date.
(Pushing Jerry) You don't try, you Do It! I got the loser in this relationship and I'm breathing new life into him, you give me three more days, he won't be able to remember her name. You got the winner, you got the easy part. Alright let's go (claps) I'll drive you over there. Come on.
Oh uh uh... 
Well done. (pats George on the shoulder)</font>
Alright, Mr Seinfeld, I... What kind of position did you have in mind?
Just the fact that you remembered means everything.
Do you think you could transport some stumps for me? I'll make it worth your while.
(Pausing) Even so.
Chicken wing shoulder blades.
The pig says 'my wife is a slut.'
Oh, who do you think you're going? Do you think that they have big picnic tables there?
Eat your soup!
Oh, Kramer, I am in big. big, big trouble. I need a cake that looks like this.
All right. Take it easy.
Hey George, did you buy that sweater knowing that red dot was on it because you could get it at a discount?
Alright. Well uh, guess everything is under control.
Yeah, it's all taken care of.
Oh, well maybe you've seen me. My face is on uhm, Mount
Wow! That was great! That show was so funny. It was really funny. I'm not just saying that cause I know you. Honestly.
I didn't hear anything.
Ok.
Alright, well, I'll just take them back. (The phone rings.)
(head in arms) I know--
 Ah, well.
So, I understand you're moving to Phoenix?
Oh come on.
'....Maybe you were still under the gas.Maybe you were hallucinating you're coming out of the gas but you were still under the gas.'
I'm going in . 
(explaining, with gestures) Uhm, George felt that I was too adamant in my stand that Art should focus on the exporting and forget about the importing.
(having trouble getting him to pay attention) So, I'm going to a nudist colony next week. 
Although, I have a hunch you mean it.
How am I ever gonna turn this into a book?
Come in, come in.
Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get the idea that you have a place in the Hamptons?
All right, we can move faster without father o'gimpy.
Hey, you scrunched me. I sat down here first.
You what?
We're engaged?
Careful, you're getting crumbs all over him.
YES! yes. You saw him on TV.
Hey, nice going, Jerome Seinfeld!
So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out. (Giddy and nearly out of breath) So we're walkin' and talkin', and he asked me my name - and I think I said Elaine - but, I mean, who the hell knows.. And so then, he says to me: 'Do you wanna split a cab uptown?' And I said, 'Sure' - even though I was going downtown. So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? But this is John F. Kennedy Junior we're talkin' about! (Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, 'Where do you live?' And I - and I - and I was close to your block, so I said your building. So he dropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house.. (Picks up a glass of cold water and presses it up to her forehead to cool her off) Oh, God.. 
No, but there was nobody sitting here...
I don't know. Does this movie stink or what!
Listen, gosh, I wanted to thank you so much for convincing Ping to drop the case.
Yeah? (we see that all the waitresses have big breasts)
Oh, you have photos in your wallet? 
It's a hair.
What else?
No, no, no, but why are you using a knife and a fork? Did you just
Wait, what pizza place idea?
No, I just have a cold.
I mean, this move is no good, Jerry. It's just taking up a lot of my time. And I...will not stand by and allow him to perform this move on me, when a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing nothing!
I met him.
Yeah. That's him.
Yeah. I know. Me, too.
(distractedly) Yeah, yeah, fine, I'll make...
Saturday night with your parents. Unless I'm your sister this is a date.
What? I'm parked right outside, let's go. Come on (grabs Jerry's arm) come on.
Yeah.
Cash?
Well, I don't know. I mean, I talked to him and, blah blah blah, he asked about you guys and, da da da da da, more questions, bleh bleh bleh....
No they don't.
Don't get me wrong, Mr. Lippman. I-I'm very flattered that you found me attractive enough to... lunge at me. Huh. But the only reason you like me is because I'm a shiksa.
Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry about everything that went on here tonight. You know, I had no idea..
Aah, I forgot it. I gotta get home.
No, but that's one problem. Why?
I say we leave now, we go to 'Skyburger' and we scarf 'em down.
Why? (Zach vomits. Elaine yells out to him) I told you, away from the curtains. Away. (Pointing) Use your bucket. (He vomits again - this time into the bucket) There you go, that's it. (To Jerry) You know what? I gotta go.
Do any of these look close?
It's invisible.
You did didn't you.
Alright. Goodnight.
I did a number on him, it was a thing of beauty, you really had to have been there to appreciate it.
Oh yeah, right. I replaced uh, Teddy Roosevelt.
That was so good.
(Just now making the matter serious) Well, you can't wear that on the show.
(Phil cracking up) So then Packyderm picks up the pieces of pizza, and mind you know they are burning hot.. he can bearly hold 'em. I mean he's like trying to juggle (does a juggling motion and begins laughing) the pizza, you know ah. And then they go flying out of...
Well... I got confused, they sound exactly the same.
 It was totally out of the blue.  We went upstairs to his apartment, you know, to look for the label maker.
Mmm, gorgeous, exquisite town. So, what's happening with your apartment?
Well maybe she got a haircut or something.
'your shirt was out?'
(shouting) Kramer! Kramer!
What'd I say?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love nudist colonies. They help me..unwind. Aah! 
Those are JFK's golf clubs!
Well, I have lost complete control of my staff. Why did I let George go to that party? I mean, we were having so much fun. We were wining, we were dining, we were dancing. (She starts dancing, Kramer flips out) What?
Leo. Has the doctor been in yet? 
Yes! I'm a writer.
Please, sit down. Newman, um, I wanted to talk to you about something.
What did you say?
(with pain) Hi Evelyn.
Look at my fish... (JERRY EXAMINES IT) Is he...
Kramer, this is too big.
 Then how did you find the place?
You know what, let's put a few cookies in a blender and he could drink it.
Jerry Seinfeld.
I just got a message from Sandra, she's coming back to work.
(Sets the glass down) I'm queen of the castle. (Pops a piece of food into her mouth) 
Oh, no, please, don't send me back there. Please, I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable up here. I don't want to go back there. Please don't send me back there... [She notices another attendant offering goods] Oh, you got *cookies*!
Ah...
I still don't understand why we had to walk out on that movie.
No, it's normal. You're very normal. You're totally normal. Who's this? 
hi 
No, we're late as it is. I'll just take it off.
What else have you got?
Yeah it looks good here, but what does that mean?
Uh, no, I'm OK.
Anyway, I admit I was dumb to go to the bookstore to tell him I didn't say hi, but he didn't have to act so smug. Oh, I hate smugness. Don't you hate smugness?
I gave him an ultimatum.
Oh really? (skeptical) The doorman. And, pray tell, what did the doorman say?
( Heavy Panting) It's not on any table, Kramer. Where is it? 
Yes. As a matter of fact, there is.
yeah.
Eight-fifty.
Well if it's not a date then what is it?
(pulling Jerry out the door) Nah It doesn't matter come on, I'll take you.
So I told Ipswitch I'd have the hat by this afternoon. What am I gonna do?</font>
(interrupting) Alright. Alright, alright. You come in tomorrow, we'll find something for you to do.
You got me cash?
Uhm, nothing. I was just uhm... I wasn't in there.
Again you are telling me to shut up?
If you weren't Jewish, you wouldn't be interested in me.
(Not sure if it was an insult or a compliment) Oh, thank you. (Leslie leaves. Then Elaine wonders to herself) 'Like you were in college'?
Umm, I'm not actually going straight to home, I have to first stop at the eh...circus, you know with all the...clowns.
Whoa! Walking around naked? Ahh... that is not a good look for a man.
Hello? 
(coming back into Monk's) Did I leave my glasses here?
Entenmann's? From the supermarket?
Well Jerry told me that you did.
What's the order?
I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us and they followed us into the city.
Umm. Trustbuster. Bust this.
You know what I think this thing is gonna get picked up George. You guys are gonna be rich!
(Turning around to Kramer) Wha- What? No. (Back to Jerry) Jerry, you are promoting a benefit to CLOTHE homeless people. You can't come out dressed like that! You're all puffed up!.. You look like the Count of Monte Cristo!
It smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad.
(cont.) they go flying out of his hands, and one lands on her face and the other lands on his face. (pause as they both continue to laugh really hard) and the whole place went crazy.
Sorry. Hello?
(apologetically) I didn't know she'd take it so seriously.
 No.
Oh, that sounds like a great idea. It would be fun.
Oh, you can have mine. I'll ship it out to you. (Isaac isn't listening to Elaine) But what about that big apartment on West End Avenue?
'Well, what kind of shirt was it.?'
(caught out) I did. Uh...
Oh, really? Oh, you should go. They're great. They're great. Of course, when it's over, it's - it's hard to get used to all this clothing, you know. So, a lot of times, I'll just lock the door to my office and I'll just sit there naked. 
Stop the truck, Kramer. Pick up the clubs!
It's dancing.
Okay listen Leo. Your hairless, your scared. When the doctor comes in let me do the talking. Okay. 
(handing Jerry an envelope) Look what came in the mail today.
Interesting! Of course! People love interesting writing!
Well, Ahh, this Mischke mish-mash is just gettin' worse.
What?
I can't have popcorn for dinner!
I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed.
Joe DiMaggio?
Well,
(DESPERATE) Please, we can't find our car. Please drive us around the parking lot to find our car. My fish are dying.
Yes they do, you can liquefy a cookie.
(jumps with fear to Jerry) Did you see that wall move?
Why? What happened? Did you talk?
Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal should be a society *without* *classes*! [She goes through the curtain to, ick, *coach*] Do you realise that the people up here are getting *cookies*!
Yes, I would say.
Goodnight. Thanks for a really fabulous evening (sarcastic).
You flinched.
Oh yeah. I see the resemblance. 
hi, nice to meet you finally 
Alright, alright.
I don't know, I have to think about it. (the sales associate walks away) I need a nonpartisan mirror.
Um, it's mine. Miss. Landis borrowed it.
(looking out of window) Oh my God. That man over there. I think he's wearing glasses that look just like Jake's. Pull over, stop the car. (hands money to cabbie as she exits) Here, here. I think I got a way of getting back at my ex-boyfriend.
They're very clean animals.
Yeah, I've heard of that. I mean they usually wear a wig.
(dismissive) Oh, my. Well, the doorman certainly has a wild imagination, doesn't he?
Okay... bathroom....kitchen. 
I'm not surprised.
He wore a classic courtman's duster. beige corduroy collar, 100% cotton canvas, high waist, nine pockets, six on the outside, great for running along side a train, (Jerry walking away) waving last goodbyes, posing on a veranda, Men's sizes ...
George I don't even want to get --
(angry shout) Kramer!
So uh, how are you getting to the airport? D'you need a ride, or...
I don't believe this.
What's your Problem?
Uhm...
Who are you, my uncle?
Right, because... I'm the janitor. (picks teeth with fingernail)
You yelled that time at the movies. That's why you're not getting the baby.
Oh, no. Don't!
Well, the female body is a... work of art. The male body is utilitarian, it's for gettin' around, like a jeep.
(Jokingly mimicking Jerry) Who is this? 
Check it out, from the new issue of the New Yorker...huh!...Funny isn't it? (Dugan shrugs) Look at it, the pig wants to be taller and what's this guy gonna say?.. he he...Nothin'..he he.
(leaving again) Keep 'em! (George and Jerry savour the joke)
Hey.
I can see not caring what happens to us, we're human. But what about the fish? The fish?
Oh, uh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper, I'm Albert Pepper's daughter. My father asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him.
Yeah, by the time I got to the end of the story, he was to relieved that we were alive he couldn't care less about the car.
Right. Hey, wouldn't you like an autographed picture?
Oh yeah.
(Arguing) Yeah, but you're supposed to be a compassionate person! That cares about poor people! You look like you're gonna.. swing in on a chandelier!
What?
Excuse me.
I know, I know, I was unbelievable
Jerry?
 I said, 'Do you wanna go upstairs?'
Dry, wet... (trying to get through to him) what's happening with your apartment?
'Oh! Well ... You don't tuck those in?'
Kramer!!
(extemporising) Uh... chips.
Oh, yeah. I usually work naked a...couple hours a day. 
I dance fine.
You look a little stressed.</font>
It's the play button, off his VCR.
What? Wheren't they just here?
I talked with the groom's parents..
Uh, yeah, uh, no. Newman, uh, I heard that you found a fur coat in a tree. And, I believe that it belongs to a friend of mine, and I'd like to give it back to him.
I have to eat!
But you lied first.
Joe DiMaggio dunks his donut?!
The Truth!, You want The Truth?
That's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells. Work on your pecs. I'm really impressed.
Albano is your last name.
(to Nina) Hello!
Really?
Nice to meet you.
Do you think it's a coincidence?
Yes I'm upset, can't you tell?
Oh how would he know. He blacked out. He fainted.
Yeah, there is, right here you see-- 
yeah me too 
No noo no, we just bought this. . . . Um, you sold us a cake with a (quietly) hair on it.
Just because you're a communist, does that mean you can't wear anything nice? You look like Trotsky. It's gorgeous. Fine, you want to be a Communist, be a Communist. Can't you at least look like a successful Communist?
No no no, I can. I can. It's mine. It's my racquet.
(calling down street) 'Scuse me! 'Scuse me. (catches up to guy) Excuse me, sir. Sir?
Almost as bad as losing out to a perfume.
(in a rush) He never watched a door before, Mrs Payton, he didn't know how to do it. (pleading) You know, he's a comedian, Mrs Payton, they don't know how to do anything.
Why?
. . . Small, Medium, Large, XL, Double...
So?
You sure? You sure? 'Cos, you know...
Hi!.
No. I'll just walk home.
I should have never left him alone. 
(stunned) Mr Peterman. You're back.
Let me see the card. (Reading) To a wonderful girl, a great pal, and more? (Kramer enters)
(meek) Yes ma'am.
Look, I'll go down and talk to this adoption guy and I'll make sure that it all gets worked out.
Oy vey!
It's hideous. The hair, the... the lumpiness. It's simian.
What?! 
Can I fix that after lunch sir?
'Cause that belongs to Mr. Potato Guy, that's his.
I hate the counter.
(CONT'D) That's right you heard me. You got a problem with that?
Hi, I haven't eaten in three days. I was wondering how much longer it would be until I get my X-ray.
(sarcastic) Chatty gal. (beat) Lippman's coming back tomorrow, I'll be fired!
What can I say, you know? It's a gift. I only wish I could teach it but, you know it's inborn.
Hiiii Kramer
Can I just have the name...
(wipes her eyes because she laughed so hard she cried) I know.
Really? When?
 What?
I have an idea. Leave the winter clothing in the apartment, and I'll watch it for you and I'll live there and I'll make sure that nothing happens to it.
(desperate) Don't you see what's going on here? He set us up. He's playing all these mindgames.
'Well. Were you tucked?'
(again pants) I couldn't find it anywhere. How did you get fleas anyway? 
Nah, he was tired. He had some feet in his face. My cousin Holly is completely insane. She keeps calling and accusing me of stealing her napkins.
What?
Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet?
Potato.
He doesn't know what he's talkin' about. (Jerry fake laughs) Jer? Jerry, I'm a good dancer, right?
So Kramer what am I supposed to do? If I don't have that fur hat by four o'clock they're gonna take me down like Nixon.</font>
Hey, Ben. I need a four letter word. Winnie the blank.
Maybe we could all have dinner later?
Why can't I meet a Kennedy? ..I saw John Junior once downtown. I was on a bus. I hit the ding, but.. it didn't stop.
... And it's so obvious that they don't want..
You know, Newmie. Um, I know how you feel about me, and I have to tell you, I'm quite flattered.
Oh, movie hotdogs! I rather lick the food off the floor.
Like you're a liar!
It was an accident.
He's lying. They're in the trunk (takes car keys) Now you get to sign another one.
Really? You really think I should fire her?
(to the waitress) Hi. Excuse me. Who does all the hiring waitresses here?
I'm really, really sorry I told you that.
(pause) Oh. That's nice. 
We waited fifteen minutes for this. Tst - YOU SELL ME A CAKE WITH A HAIR ON IT. Then you want me to wait? . . . What are you doing (to Jerry taking a number) you're gonna wait now?
Hmm... No you don't. 
Mm hmm.
Yeah, finish eating. The baby's not gonna have any fun over here. We're-We're not fun for a baby.
Well, I guess I just didn't realize it...
I'm going to order Chinese Food.
All right. I'm going I'm going
Uh. Ah, if you don't mind my asking, could you tell me where you got your glasses?
So what did he say?
Superman can go back in time?
An estimate? How am I supposed to do that?
No. In what way?
Well, I didn't tell here to say it.
(big smile) Okay.
Squire's walking stick. I had to write about it for the catalogue.
Now what was that?
I am his nurse... Poloma. 
Ohio?
Pal? You think I'm your pal?
Oh it's you.
Gotta get some of that stuffed crust pizza. cheese crust pizza.
See, again with the yelling. Not a fan of the yelling.
Hmm. Sickies.
(Sarcastically) You know, just that you cared enough to call means so much, Jerry. 
(to Dugan ) You see? You see? Smart people think this is funny and you want to know why? 'Cause I wrote it.
Well if you want it, you get it.
Well, I got a 212 number from this little old lady in my building-- Mrs. Krantz.
Oh? So, I took your suggestion and I gave my boss Marion's poems. The ones that affected Kramer so much.
Where is the ambulance?!
No, he wants to torture me.
What?
Kramer, Hi, I thought you went to California.
what is with the gum? 
Oh, I'm sorry Jerry didn't suggest this sooner.
One second, hang on. (To Mr. Pitt) Excuse me, Mr. Pitt? Would it be alright if I got you the socks tomorrow?
What kind of soup did he get?
 Why?
Oh, Jeffrey.
Yeah.
(worked up) There was nothing I could do. He said he had a Federal Express slip with your signature on it.
'All right then say you were. I mean .. what do you think could have happened.?'
I 've looked everywhere , even under the couch but all I could find were the stupid Chunky wrappers. I couldn't.... 
I mean, why? Why would I take her stupid napkins.
I got a date.
What?
His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was before.
Oh, hi. Uhm, is Katy there? (listens) Wh...? Uhm, what? (listens) Oh, really?
(embroidering) Some corn.
(Car tires screeching) Woah, ahhh. Hehe Ha ha ha. That was close. Confide in her, open up to her. You know women like that.
Jerry, do I stink?
I thought he was Kramer's friend.</font>
Pooh...(laughing)
Out, damn heal!
... me to go.
Oh, yeah. I mean, of all the men that I know, you're the only one who's held down a steady job for several years.
So, this is over, not over? I'm bettin', not over.
Why couldn't he be a dunker?
Babu Bhatt did it.
Jerry...Jerry listen I got too much stuff this afternoon, I can't come over, forget it.
 But it's cold out.
I'm sure he was just joking around.
Yeah, yeah he is. (as she leaves)
You should slow down, you know that? It's dangerous to go that fast.
We try.
You know what? That's discriminatory. That is unfair. Why should these women have all the advantages? It's not enough they get all the attention from men, they have to get all the waitress jobs, too?
Well stop being such a baby.
Well it was a little hair. I took it off.
The mannequin! 
Aaron
And now I think she might really be interested in you. And Dan is
(like a little girl) Okay...
Ugh, does it have to be Hop Sing's. I kind of had a fight with him.
Give it give it ..
Malaysia?
No thanks.
Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald.
(takes the work order and points to the Fusilli Jerry sitting on the table) What? What is this?
Yeah, he's very interesting. Did you know that Mozart died while he was writing 'The Requiem'.
I don't think George has ever thought he's better than anybody.
Oh, Mr. Peterman.
I Like Her!
Well, could you tell her Elaine called? Yeah, thanks.
You want it?
He has good days and bad. 
I am not your pal.
No, it's not here yet. You want the tour?
I'll tell you something. It'll be years before they find places to hide more cheese on a pizza. Kramer!
Oh, I don't know.. 
Oh, but it's ok for me?
No. She died.
No, ... he didn't! No, ... he didn't!
I thought he was with you.
I can't believe what's going on out here.
(annoyed) Oh! Would you gimme the clicker? I hate it when you're the clicker! You go too fast! (Elain makes a grab for the clicker, instigating a tug-o-war between Elaine and Jerry over the clicker)
Oh, shut up (pushes Kramer)
Yeah, *you* got *your* bags...
That's my coat! Gimme that. Where did you get that?
(While reading a book:) Oh oh, listen to this, this is not good, listen to these symptoms for rabies: anxiety, irritability. I got those, I'm irritable!
because of the gum 
Hey, 'great' organizer you gave me.
Oh, well, (pauses) Good night.
Yes.
Hi. (They kiss.)
Consomm&eacute;, hmm.
 You mean just because I asked him to go upstairs, he thinks he's going downtown?
Hey Kramer, my friend Wendy wants to go out with you.
Is it possible we were victims of a sting?
'Ughhhh'
Yeah! 
They were?
Hey, I didn't even use one.
Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the antique store. What's her name, Christie?
Huh, she's in the hospital. (concerned) She has an arrhythmia.
Diapers.
I cook naked, I clean....I clean naked, I drive naked. Naked. Naked. Naked. 
But I really enjoy dancing.
Forty bucks? Are they Sable?</font>
(gesturing) There's this.
Jerry.
Hey! (startles Jerry and George) ha ha ha ha. Nice sidle, huh? Speaking, of which I think I've got that problem, solved.
Kramer?
So, the only reason ...
Ha ha ha ha.
Oh! Do tell sir?
Haven't you done enough to these people?
So then what?
So humm....When you gonna call her?
How do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it?
What is it?
The worst flight I have been on in my entire life.
We do what we can.
You're a baby!
Would you stop it? You're just gonna need a few stitches.
Hey!
What if it's your hair?
Uh, let me ask you a question. How come you asked Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld to go to the museum with you?
Really? Tell us more, Mr. Science. (Rachel whispers in Jane's ear, which prompts Jane to laugh)
She was lost...
You're father was blacklisted?
All right all right forget it. You don't have to mention any of this to Miss. Landis do you?
Uhm, look, I know this'll sound odd, but can I buy them from you?
(puts her hands up to her mouth) You're bald!
Fusilli Jerry?
Really?
You can have ,I don't need it anymore.
(quietly) Can you stop and pick up those clubs Kramer?
Jerry.. George, Kramer.. This is Kevin, Gene.. and Feldman.
Shh-shh! (smiling) What d'you think?
See, there are no jerk stores. It..it's just a little confusing, is all.
Oh, what is this? You got me something?
Oh, hi. This is Hal. Hal, this is Kramer. Kramer, Hal.
Jerry, that crazy straight-armed woman down at Peterman's trashed my office. And then listen to this; this is message she left me.
Well, will you pay my cab fare out there? 
Alright, that is it! I can't live like this.
The astronauts use them.
You're all over the dial! You don't know what you want! I've never seen you stay on anything for more than 5 seconds. Gimme that.
Oh, so that's why you were acting so funny.
Really? You really missed me?
(To Ping) I did not jaywalk.
*YOU* took my seat!?
Drake gave her the TV?
why does she have to chew so many? 
It wouldn't stop beeping, in the car so Testikov, through it out the window.
You think you can pose me however you want? That's my ass in your window! 
Well (leans in to kiss Phil, then looks down at his pants with a awkward look on her face)
Well, it's just one more day.
Oh, I missed you!
Well, that's not really a meal Jerry. I mean, if he had gotten, Chicken Gumbo, or Matzah Ball, even Mushroom Barley. Then I would agree with you. Those are very hardy soups.
 You're crazy.
'What are you gettin'?'
I've got that magazine article for you.
Spit it out? I had dogs chasing me for that mutton. I was almost mauled because of that mutton.
Mr. Peterman, you have my deepest sympathies. Unfortunately, I've gotta get going.
Ahh, yeah, sure.
Yeah, it was, but then I just couldn't decide if he was really sponge-worthy.
I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of my neck.
Oh, no, it's okay.
Oh, you don't wanna know, mistah. I'm trouble. Big trouble. 
My father left us when I was 9 so I guess that is why i have such a fear of abandonment.
It's that bad?
And he's has a bit of a rash. 
What are you doing? That's Witchy Woman. That could be our song.
(gleeful) The fish!
Awful. This trip was a *huge* mistake. Huge!
(Enters) Hey, what happened to you?
He's a human maraca.
Just hold on!
... she sent me an invitation was that so I'd send her a gift.
Uh, don't worry, he's cool.
A Ziggy?
Why didn't you just call out his name?
Have we looked over there? Have we checked that side?
Good luck.
I heard him contend that.
Jerry's a nazi?!
(Wh-wh) What is wrong with my hair? Nobody takes better care of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head.
Uhuh, um you didn't feel uncomfortable spending the whole day at the museum with two complete strangers who were more than twice your age?
Nana?
Well, she didn't seem to be havin' so much fun...
Okay, okay. (phones) Um, yeah, hi, I'd like delivery please to 16 West 75th St. apartment 2G.
(positive) Oh! (little chuckle)
Anyway, Jerry... Jerry?
Yeah, I called him Maestro.
Okay.
Well, have you ever considered writing new material?
Ok so ..I am positive you are wrong about Craig.
(diplomatically to KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN) Could you guys excuse us, just for a moment.
Alright, lets give it a shot, lets go.</font>
How much did you pay for them?
Oh Kramer... (She opens it) The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted! (Jerry looks irritated)
Ah, what're you doing here?
She must've got a blueprint of the building or something.
(Whining) I want the one that I earned. (Phone rings) I'll get it. I'll get it! (Into phone) H&H, and Elaine.
And I didn't like that roast beef, so how 'bout some lunch? 
C'mon.
He seems to be breathing.
Kramer
Hi, Michael!
No, come on! I want it, Jerry!
I cannot believe I'm doing this. I never meet people like this. You're not a nut, are you?
I'm not his girlfriend. We dated for a while, but things didn't really work out.
Well, she can't keep it, it's not fair, that's *our* TV!
So, guess who called me.
I transferred everything in there. I threw out my old book. I'm lost now, Kramer.
No! You take that mannequin down right now, or I'm pressing charges. (Jerry goes along) Yes, this is my attorney. 
Hello.
I can't go.
Me, either!
What?
 As soon as we walked in, he got a call from one of his patients with an impacted molar or something so he had to leave.  I didn't even get a chance to look for the label maker.
We have to replace the couch.
'Okay...So you were violated by two people while you were under the gas. So What? You're single.'
Are you
Hello.
Hmm. (picks up the phone and dials)
Yeah, Jerry, I have to conserve these sponges.
What d'you care?
(to herself) C'mon, George, pick up. Oh, pick up. Oh, pick up.
Yes it is.
Yeah. 
Oh. Oh, then how about Desperado? (smiling) We can share it.
Well. You are not gonna believe this. Now Lippman is renounced. This shiksa thing is *totally* out of control. What is *with* you people? What are you looking at?
You took him over to Celia's?
Nothing...(heal comes loose and Elaine opens the door.) Here, ok I'm on the phone alright? I'm on the phone with someone...
Very cool. So, what do you say? Can you do this one little favor, Newmie?
What did he say?
We didn't come in over there!
Oh, it was a frame-up.
Listen, you idiot! Just calm down! I know Jerry, he's not a nazi.
What is that stain [on my coat]?
Look, I don't like people talking about my shoes behind my back, okay? My shoes are my business. The two of you shouldn't have been looking at some fifteen year-old's cleavage anyway!
Hey! I got bit by a dog! I had to go to the hospital! I was bleeding to death! I can't solve every little problem you have!
Okay, fine, we'll just wait until she calls the number.
What, what is it?
You had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld.
Missing?
If I have this much influence over her, why don't I just call her an' tell her to get back together with him--that's aalll!
Oh, this is insanity. I'm not this hippie. (meaning her hips are not that large)
No. no, she doesn't live here anymore. This is someone else.
C'mon.
Hi.
(shouting) I don't like this thing. And here's what I'm doing with it.
Jerry, this is Joanne, and this is Stan. They're in my short story class with Roxanne and me.
Well, I did at first, but actually I kind of got used to it.
Oh, I must have left it at Jame's
Jean-Paul? (searching everywhere) Hey Jean-Paul? Jean-Paul? (worried) Jean-Paul?! Oh man... (calling Jerry's) Oh...machine.
I have a personal commitment.
(Getting the hint) Me? Are you talking about me?
Because he told a man he'd give him a discount too... a man Jerry.
(pause) Thanks. (to JERRY, GEORGE, and KRAMER) What.. what do you guys want..
George, hi. I have Anna here. There's something I wanna say to both of you.
Hello.
Oh, what didn't you like about the first chapter?
You feeling jiff?
Well, I tried, but he thought it was some sort of cat fight.
It's Vegetable Lasagna.
What did you do?
I'll hang this phone up right now! 
David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat! I mean, what do you think about all that?
A what?
I know.
Robin? No, why?
Well at least let George do it!
We just didn't think of you.
Ahhhhhh haa ha ha
Boy, I am really starting to dislike the Drake!
I said I'm sorry.
We're going out tomorrow night.
What?
Because I have to return the socks and get different ones.
You do?
Was it a cup or a bowl?
Hey, what do you think of this?
'Join the club.'
Yeah, talked earlier.
Kramer, is that you?
Yes, yes - before they went off the market. I mean, now I've got to re-evaluate my whole screening process. I can't afford to waste any of 'em.
Did you have a nice ride?
Oh, maybe we should go some place else.
I don't like this, it is to easy. 
Well, I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity.
Oh, no. Jerry, I can't take any more gentle sobbing.
What about the woman who's been drugged and taken advantage of?
Phone call! I'm in a big phone call!
All right, we're done here.
Oh, well, we're all proud of the work I'm doing.
No, he's just neat.
What-- What are you looking at me for?
I'm sorry... sorry.
No I'm bringing cake! (looking worried and apprehensive)
OK I'll see you later.
Uh-huh 
Um, what does Nana sound like?
Why do you need the name? You already have the address.
Let's start the bidding.
I remember saying to myself, 'Why is Jerry so far off the base?'
Hey, Jerry just got me a great apartment in his building!
I am not calling you 'Jerry the Great'.
Yeah but we reversed positions so there was no funny business.
Jerry, Jerry, Jean-Paul's missing! He's alone in the city! Call me back. (hangs up)
Nervous?
(Reflecting) Boy, that doll was really freaky, wasn't it?
Some friend of his from England.
Kurt? What's with the sweats? Aren't we going out?
(surprised) Vincent. (pleading) Where are you? I have to meet you.
Oh, no, no! That's where it gets interesting! Don't you see? The - the train is bearing down on you, you - you dive into a side tunnel - and you run into a whole band of underground tunnel dwellers!
Ok, why? Why do guys do this? What is so appealing to men about a cat fight?
Vegetable Lasagna!
Jerry, I tell you; if this woman dies, it is going to be a major inconvenience.
Hi.
Oh, hi! (Waves at him)
I'll see ya. (Hanging up the phone) 
Uh, you should be trying to save me!
Almost.
No I haven't spoken to her all day-uh, yeah right, um, as a matter of fact, um, she was here, and she uh, left a note, but I wasn't here, but I have the note, uh, right here.
Oh god, Who's suitcase is this?
But she was fifteen.
They don't know anybody in Chicago.
I can't say that.
Aah, so Mr Costanza was pretty mad, huh? 
Oh, the date. The date.
I gotta go. (Hangs up.)
Oh yeah, all the time, all the time...although, recently I've been thinking about this friend of mine.
I'm just curious.
Well I figured that's what couples do.
'Oh yeah! Jimmy.'
Hi.
What time you got?
Judy, hi, listen...
I'm speaking at a women's' rights conference.
Uh, what time does Chow Fun start?
Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last!
Shut up! I think he's on to us. 
Let's just replace 'hail of shrapnel' and 'scar tissue' with 'string of pearls' and 'raspberry scones'.
Do you hear something?
Do you have an apple or anything?
I think it's unconscionable.
Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.
Hey, George? What is this? (laughing, Elaine makes the same outstretched arm motion) What is that? No really, what is that?
You know, it is so sad, all your knowledge of high culture comes from bugs bunny cartoons.
Hi. 
What did I do?
Uh-huh. Are you taking this down? 
Well...
Okay, okay, Ned Isakoff.
Oh, no no. Tuesday's uh no good becasue we've got choir practice.
But it's got a pee-stain on it.
He didn't mention . . .
He is a Maestro.
Yeah, you know, head to toe.
One of these days that guy is gonna get his.
Yeah. Right.
What?
You're nuts!
(pause, turns back to JERRY et al.) Guys. I gotta go. Take it easy.
Uh, well, listen. I feel really horrible about trying to keep you two apart and I just wanted to apologize.
You, uh...got a big stain on your shirt.
Vincent, listen, I won't judge you the way everyone else does. You're, you're strange and beautiful, and sensitive. (blunter) Now, let's have a look at you.
Yeah.. yeah. I know. Um.. how about if, instead of.. diving from the train, you.. uh, you, I don't know, you slip and, and fall in some mud, and.. ruin your pants?
Oh, baby.
Shut up or I'll snap you in half and stuff you in the overhead!
Well me neither, I'm goin' to 'Skyburger'.
What?
I am not going to hell and if you think I'm going to hell, you should care that I'm going to hell even though I am not.
How kind of you.
It's not an easy thing to bring up.
Well I, I don't know.
It's Chapter 2, it's Neil Simon.
Oh, god, it's probably from sleeping on that sofa.
What if I like him? I'm going to start out lying to this guy?
He collects (holds up magazine) these? 
hey 
There you are!
Interesting.
(happy gasp) Oh.
Oh, just this woman...she got impregnated by her troglodytic half-brother, and decided to have an abortion. (Waits in suspense for what Carl's response will be.)
Did he crumble any crackers in it?
Well it was easy. Really.
'Ahum!'
What do you do?
Oh I didn't tell anyone.
(anger) You better give me back that bike! (indicating neck) Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning.
Hi, it's me.
Shhhhhh. Here. 
w-w- Well, that's a -ah, it&rsquo;s kind of Sable.</font>
(hesitant) Well, uh, act..actually, I haven't seen it. So, I couldn't tell you whether I liked it, or whether it really sucked.
Or a nectarine? I would absolutely love a nectarine.
I mean I can't shake this woman. You know, now I have to go to Jimmy's birthday party.
EZ Bake oven?
Oh, hi.
We made plans.
No, I just, uh, fixed it.. a little bit. (Still looking around, she quickly checks her breath) 
I didn't know that he'd fall for me and I'd drive him insane. I mean, you know, that's not my fault.
Jerry get the car. (she's getting the mannequin) 
I don't know, maybe.
Well, I couldn't help it. 'Moland Spring'?
(reiterating the question) Did he crumble, any crackers in it?
We-We're doing that evening of Eastern European National Anthems.
I couldn't believe it when I saw you running. (laughing) I thought maybe they had changed the rules or something.
(not sure) I guess.
Kramer.
He told you about our conversation?
So you say.
No, because I slept with my back to him.
My pleasure.
The book is great. Did you go out last night?
What d'you mean?
No. No. No. No. No. I don't really have a phone. In fact, I - I really don't have an apartment. I kinda sleep around. 
Hi
I'm, I'm sorry.. We've already got a George..
Well, George, I just want you to hear me say to Anna that you're a good and decent person.
You already ate?
Jerry, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. They're starting to give Susie assignments now!
(Reading card) Think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such a friend.
Uh, man!
Who wants cupcake?
Bye-bye.
Hey, Puddy.
You don't need us.
Interracial? Us?
Yeah, that's right!
Aw, you should see his bathrobe, man, it's all silk.
No, no, come on Michael!
What letter?
what is it?
I smell cherry.
Yeah, but Babu, he could have come to my house to pick it up.
No. But what if we get married or something? We'll always have that between us.
(to the person in front of her) He's not the murderer. 
Wow! Alright, well I will personally go out to Queens and deliver his Al Roker TV Guide to him. 
So?
Oh ya.
Okay. (to Kramer) Hello. (to Jerry) Listen, thanks again for coming last night. Dad said he had a great time.
Oh, uh, wait a second. Would you like to come, upstairs?
(laughs) Hee, hee, hee. Hee hee hee...
'Yeah!'
How close do you get?
... Jerry! (runs angry to her apartment)
What? You never told me that.
I just like to have and few drinks and just let the guy do whatever he wants. Would you close your eyes for a second? I wanna tell you a secret about my bra. 
Listen, I need to come over and pick up the clubs for Peterman.
That's a rat hat?</font>
(shakes head) No.
Why am I in such a fruit mood? Ahh, banana!
No matter what I do, I cannot weasel out of raising this kid.
What?
I thought you wanted to see Prognosis Negative.
It's Elaine.
Kramer? I'm so sorry, really.
You lie.
(Regarding herself) What? What? Who? Me-me-me? I made an impression? What impression? 
I can't believe this? What happened to him? Where the hell is he?
did you have fun 
Just get the car! 
It's possible.
Well, I'm so sorry! I-
Oh, well. Crackers in a bowl. That -- That could be a meal.
What? I can't hear a word you're saying. I was stuck at the Dixieland Deli all day. My head is still ringing. Where's Tim?
Jerry asked me to meet his girlfriend here. Did you here about his plane in Ithaca?
Oh, she got hurt.
He told you about . . .
Yeah. (bragging) I'm invited.
They all are.
Aawwh Please.....
I never should have given Anna the impression--
What?
Oh Kramer. (They embrace)
I'm plumb out.
(Gesturing back to the bedroom) Who else ya got back there?
Balloon bouquet? For who?
Yes, it's awful! They're upset because we're an interracial couple. That is racism!
He does, how'd you know that?
You're soo good lookin'.
(sighing) Again?
What happened? What took you so long?
(laughing) hehehe -- One picture left in the trunk.
You never know.
I dunno. 
So what do you have to say for yourself?
Let's see, (thinking) how shall I put this.
So what do you want me to do?
Huh... Thursday is no good because we've got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as those organ donors.
Makes you wonder, though, doesn't it?
No, he's driving back to Maryland tonight.
Yeah. Upstairs?
Nothing, nothing. (laughs out loud)
'Why?'
Tsk. Well, I can guess within the hour, and I don't even have to look at the sun.
Jerry, what is he talking about? He's being ridiculous.
(worry) Oh no. What?
But, but, he's in the Burmese jungle.</font>
What?
Yeah, that's what I need; a pinch weasel.
What for? Let's just get out of here.
Jerry, you promised me we'd go.
Hu hu, ha ha ha.
No! No! Now! Tell me now! What did he say?! 
I've got such a headache. Oh, that's another symptom!
Hi. 
(off camera) Huh.
Oh, sorry. (picks up phone) Hello?
Oh, hi Simon. This is Jerry.
What? I can't hear you.
Oh, our stupid friend freaked out the pilot. Single handedly delayed the plane a whole hour. Can you believe that?
I, uh, wait,...
He told you all that? How could he?
Why?
I can't remember.
(picking up) Jerry!
--that you're a bad seed, I mean, you're a fine seed.
No, no. Mister Peterman, why don't we keep them - as a, as a reference?
I kinda like her.
Why is your father giving a tour of a rest stop?
You slept with Nina? What are you gonna tell George?
Peggy. Oh, great. I suppose she's still blaming me?
Me neither. Well, maybe this turkey club.
Somebody please-- THE AIR CONDITIONER!
What happened, what took you so long?!
Well, so, he can live without his Valium for a couple of days.
Wha...? What are you talking about? What'd he say?
Where's my water?
The Drakette took it.
All right, well, then what if we become a couple, George? Every time we see you you're going to be walking around going like this? (moving her arm) Even you can't keep that up.
where's Tony? 
'War-- What is it good for?'!
Where are you going? 
He took it out.
How can I do that?
Some night, huh?
You know... (looking up) the spirit world.
I was hoping you know, that you might be interested in... changing teams?
'How so?'
Oh, Rita come here. This is Jerry. He's the one who got me the apartment.
Well, what about at night? What do you do then?
Yeah Jerry.
You left them in the car? How could you leave them in the car?
I know, I don't want...(clears her throat)...kids.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Can I fire you?</font>
(to the guys) Uh, Mrs Allister. (louder) Yeah, uh, just coming Mrs Allister. (to guys) Okay, I've gotta get out.
Three notes?
Wait, George saw the movie? I saw him yesterday, he didn't mention it.
Oh, he's fine.
(Ecstatic) He asked about me? John Kennedy asked about me?! (Hangs off the side of the counter, both feet in the air) What did he say? 
What did who say? 
(on buzzer) It's me.
Um, yeah in my purse.
I told you, I can't hear a word.
 I've got a confession to make.
Why?
Can he do that?
Yeah, well maybe there aren't any houses to rent there.
Oh, well, I'm staying out of this one. This is between them. I am not getting involved.
Hey. Guess who just finished laying out her first issue of the J. Peterman Catalog.
What?
Jerry--
Here, can you move, you gotta move from the door.
Uh. Alright, alright. I'll put it in the vault.
I don't believe this woman.
We should be able to get across right through here!
What?
You know, it's not really that terrible.
You talked about a lot of things? Well...
What? What do you mean, Gail? (Kramer enters.)
Sauce me.
Well, she has it!
A-hu hu hu hu. Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer! Hellooo!
He took (blows on her glasses twice to clean them) it out.
Yes, but then he wiped his hand on the top of the bottle when I offered him water!
Some dinner, huh?
I never saw anyone play like that.
(to Jerry) I didn't want to tell you this, but usually he hates everyone.
Have you ever thought about it?
'No No... That's not him. That's the guy who gave me... Jimmy's number.'
Uh huh.
Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that?
Oh, go down and get them.
Well, Kevin, maybe I have a little doubt. I mean, nothing is a hundred percent.
Hi, I uhm... What can I do for you?
So, uh, what are we doing in this alley, anyway?
You got me a note?
The truth is ... I think you make ... a very nice couple.
Yeah, I wanted to talk about how we have nothing to talk about.
Hide!
Yeah, you know (scratches cheek and sniffs)
Waddya' write?
(Quick) What situation? I have a situation? 
Nothing has changed. How did this happen? (she sees the two guys of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission at a table) Ah, these are the two guys I talked to at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Hey! What are you two guys doing here? I thought you were gonna do something about this. Now you're eating here?
I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid hipster dufus!
Uhmm... 
 I've got Super Bowl fever.
But he's a Rabbi! How can a Rabbi have such a big mouth?
Well, you have to admit... the circumstantial evidence...
I'm sorry to just show up unexpectedly like this. I know you've got your big showcase coming up later and I know how important it is, I know how hard you work for this night, but I just had to tell you that I never told Jerry hot and heavy. I didn't think we were hot and heavy. I mean - I mean, who's hot and who's heavy?
(muffled, as she's smoking a cigar) It's a peach.
I'm trying to help. Why are you being so difficult?
I know.
Still?
(Confused) What combination?
She's this crazy woman who is convinced that my germs make her sick.
Oh, no! I thought--
What about his comedy act?
You weasels!
Did you talk about us?
Uh-hu. And do you know what happened?
It.
Are you kidding? That's very significant! If he was interested in me, he'd want my germs! He'd just crave my germs!
Some house, huh?
Yeah, but that doesn't make up for killin' her.
Robert, we need a shortstop. *Real bad*.
'I'm going to go see Mel Torm&eacute; with him?'
Ah, this is great. Alright, well, where is the mechanic? I'll just go and pick 'em up myself.
What?
I don't know how we did it, but there's some kind of chemistry between us, we turned out one hell of a catalog.
Yeah, I am so sorry.
Uhh, Jerry, I've got a lot goin' on with, uh, Lippman right now.
Don't be ridiculous.
(giggling) Oh.
But I got my own note.
No no, I wanna go.
Hi, I'm Elaine.
Daddy certainly does have an extensive wardrobe.
Um, oh, it's Townscend, which is NEAR Baltimore.
What, Uh oh?
Hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu 'Ther - There is nothing finer than being in your diner.'?
That was good. That was very good. 
Well, who's gonna call?
I'm sorry, Kramer, I'm sorry.
Jerry, be careful. The Mohel's got a knife!
Kramer, it is such a dumb idea. I would be (raising her voice as Kramer speaks his line) totally embarrassed to bring it... 
did something happened? 
But what??
Where you going?
 So where are we staying?
Hey, let me ask you a question.
Where is it? Where is it? This? This is the dog?
Uh-huh.
Disappointed?
So, that's the situation.
I say, it's a peach.
George, I don't have time for this. Uh, Anna, do you wanna talk to George?
(Rubbing her head to relieve the pain) Really?
Ever.
Alright, here you go, choke on it (hands him money).
Huh?
What are you doing? What is that?
Get a hold of yourself!
This guy I'm seeing.
What about George?
Well, uh, fan. My father--
You see, they had to move the cars so the truck could get through, right? But these guys don't trust each other so they got these two nonpartisan drivers to move them.
How dare you!
(to Paul) You're checking it out?
Oh, Please.
Yessiree Bob.
Some ugly baby, huh?
Yeah, he like you though. Said you reminded him of somebody he knew in Korea.
Well, I mean, he was in the apartment, and then it's gone and it's in your apartment.
(shrugging it off) Oh.
(resigned) Ugh, okay, alright, fine.
Really?
Hey Ed, let me ask you something. What's with the fatigues and all the psychotic imagery? Huh?
Hello? Vincent?
Well, a lot of it is vegetable...
(Trying to get her bag to leave) Yeah, and him too. What?! Oh, yeah! I think George is calling me, so I'm gonna go give him a hand. Come on! Come on!
What?
So what?
I got a note from my gynecologist.
My father, really? I had no idea.
Really?
THIS is what you came up with?
(Frank) Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? Are you tryin' to hurt - you're tryin' to injure me, right? You're trying to hurt me. 
What do you mean, Gail? You don't think I can attract attention? You don't think I can put asses in the seats?
What? Why is it me who always has to do these things?
I would be embarrassed to bring it up. 
his face, did something happen to his face? 
No, no! They'll stay up!
Oh, OK, see you later.
 Oh.  Big room?
What do you charge for blown shocks?
Poison you? Jerry Seinfeld tried to poison you? Wha? Mr. Pitt, what are you, delirious? He's never even met you!
(to Jerry) So you and Roxanne are hitting it off, huh?
But he's so small.
Uhh, so frustrating!
You were?
Is George here?
No, no, no. It's weak. No one's gonna buy it, and you shouldn't be selling it.
No, she doesn't want to. Okay, bye, George. We'll see ya.
Like clams.
Yeah, well not for long. I'm breaking up with him.
What is this symbol?
It's garbage.
We're just, you know, having a good time.
Sorry. Somebody...help us!
Oh, oh, O.K. (Helen holds her sweater tight against herself) You can turn down the air conditioning if you want.
It's very nice of you to do this. I've asked several people and they wouldn't even answer me.
Look, I don't think this is appropriate right now.
I'll bet they were even in on it.
So... impudent.
What?
Oh, how's the baby?
What, how did you know that?
He did.
(improvising) I said, uh, some snuggly baby.
No, no. But it is quite a coincidence.
(pleased) Ah.
You know, that's weird, actually, 'cause I'm sort of the same way. I mean once for like, no reason, I flattened my hair and I had all these strands hanging in my face all the time...
Come on, don't be a baby.
I got what you asked.
(meekly) Yes ma'am.
One little baby, whatever you have in stock.
No. Stay! Stay. Stay.
No, no, Mr. Peterman that wasn't me!
I didn't know you were getting me a note.
HI
Very nice meeting you!
(pause) Ah. I've-I've got plans, though, Mr. Li--
Who gave you permission to come into my house and just go through all my things? You thought it was funny?
That is so lame. Jerry, people are going to be reading that for the next twenty years and laughing at you.
What? Calling people I hardly know, and demanding they return expensive gifts, that's my 'thing'?
(to the manager) Hey! Come here a second. I want you to know something. You are not gonna get away with this!
George...but if I ask him now, I will have no chance of going out with him.
Really.
Hi.
But that's why I got you the tighter ones! (Holds them up.)
(English accent) Pardon?
 Downtown?
Dad thinks George is gay.
Two, three hundred?
Goodbye? (Elaine thinks of memories with Mr. Pitt)
Really? From a distance, you seemed to be coming on to her.
That can't be the dog. Are you sure you got the right one?
Ohhh, I'm exhausted. I've been on this street a thousand times! It's never looked so strange! The faces...so cold! In the distance, a child is crying. Fatherless...a bastard child, perhaps. My back aches...my heart aches...but my feet (stops to look at her feet) ...my feet are resilient! (a big smile grows in her face, as she thinks...) Thank God I took off my heels, and put on my... HIMALAYAN WALKING SHOES!!! (lifting her arms up in the air, in ecstasy, as she says...) Yes!
Uhh, so you want to join me and Susan for lunch at the coffee shop?
Ohh! Whew! I am so relieved!
It's.. .. you! It's really you! Oh, I'm such a huge fan of yours. Would you mind signing this poster for me?
Hey, hey. Me. Talking. You know, between you and me, I always thought Kramer was a bit of a doofus, but he believed in me. *You* did not. So as I see it, he's not the doofus. *You* are the doofus.
A pleasure.
Double or nothing.
Vivian...
Oh, that's fantastic.
(has had enough) All right, that's it. (rummaging in purse, pulls out her chequebook) How do you spell your last name?
We're down here! Help!
I can't. I have to go visit Tina in the hospital.
You're not too cold?
I found it!
Cookies?
You're getting warm.
Kramer, you're hurting me!
Come on up.
(very reluctant) Okay.
Yeah. I know, I said to myself, 'Why us?' You remember?
What tell? What's a tell?
You know, Lloyd advises Dinkins on everything he does.
(gasps) How did you find it?
Noooo.
Well, to tell you the truth, Dr. Feffa, I , I was surprised to hear you use a word like breathtaking to describe a baby, I mean, because you also used it referring to me.
(on phone) Oh, yes, yes I'll tell him. Yes, thank you. Um, um hold on. (to Pitt) Mr. Pitt!
A big coincidence.
Yeah.
(delighted) Well, thank you Mr Peterman.
Sometimes I think about wearing my hair real short.
(off-camera) It's Lainey!
That's it?
Nothing.. Except that a bird ran into my giant freak-head. (Sits down)
W..well, can't I come in?
I wouldn't believe the Lumbar Yard wouldn't pick this up. Ug, oh, okay, . . .
Look it, look it, Ryan. These people are gettin' a baby. Period. Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the fun way.
No Mister Peterman.
Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Ranawat?
Well, thank you father.
But you didn't say anything. Ohhh...
I thought she was the one.
You're very special.
Sooo, how was your date?
Well, well, well, Mr. Seinfeld! That must have been so frightening! When you confronted that guy, in Queens! Now, let's just see if I've got this scenario right.
That will be fun.
Well, it's just a first draft!
Alright, gimme the phone... it's my 'thing'...
Ah, 'with what?' You know what. With the waitresses. How they're all... alike.
I... I think I'm... I'm having trouble swallowing. I can't... I can't swallow.
what happened to his face, tell me, what happened to his face 
Why couldn't we just take the hair off and go?
I...I don't know...
How're things going? You wanna know how things are going? I'll tell you how things are going. I am getting kicked out of my apartment!
What do you want!?
 What do they have there, a couple of beds?
No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.
Ah.
Because, I was thinking... are you at all concerned that living in the same building will, y'know... cramp our styles?
How could that be the dog?
Yeah.
Really?
(As he is signing) Oh, thank you so much. (He finishes. Elaine gives out a happy gasp) Thank you so much, Mr.. (Tries to read his signature) Camaro. (Carreras gives her a look as he is getting up) Mr. Casea? (He walks off as Elaine rolls the picture back up. Jerry gives his 'That's a shame' face) Well, whatever. (To Jerry) I'm gonna take this to the Maestro. He's, he's playing at the Queens Convalescent Center.
Yeah. You, Jerry, are the doofus.
I can't do it.
Hi! This is my friend George.
It must've seeped up my subconscious, Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets....D'you read the comics today?
(writing out cheque) I'll make it out to cash. How 'bout two hundred bucks? Two-fifty?
Let us out. There's an unmarried pregnant woman down here.
Get off of me!!
Um, uh, who's it going with, uh, Alice?
Hi, Jer.
It's me.
He tells him which soap to use.
(gasps) Where is it, give it to me!
Yes.
I know.
Mr. Pitt! The board of directors is on the phone. They've called an emergency meeting. They want you to be there to discuss the merger!
What about a bad gasket?
Yeah...
No, that's a big coincidence.
Oh.
Mr Peterman, you...
Yeah!
Hi (?). Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh!
Mm. This food is fantastic.
Not good. I'm a moron.
(Annoyed, near tears) The one that sits atop my disproportunately puny body.. I'm a walking candy apple!
(pleading) No, no. Vincent, I... Don't shut me out. (beseeching) I just, I know you feel what I feel.
(to Mrs Allister) Janitor's meeting.
(pushes Lou into the room) Lou! In here! (closes the door) We have to talk.
Oh. Well, Usha.
Okay, c'mon it's movie time.
(SHOUTING TO AMY) What about my fish?
Yeah, and I yelled out, Kramer! Kramer, you're killing him!'
So you know , ... he called me.
No, no, no, no, no. Because I'm picturing 'French Connection', kind of thing. You know? Sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the city!
Why did you let him in?! (Shoves George.)
What?
It's me.
(embarrassed, but smiling) Oh, your daughters.
Is this gonna hurt?
Nine hundred. Do I hear a thousand? Ladies, he is a Harvard graduate. 
Whhhy?
No, that's not it!
I don't know! They have a list of grievances.
 No, but don't you think there should be two beds?  There's two of us.
Isn't that...? (Jerry nods.) Oh, is this from the snow last night? (Jerry nods.) Ugh... you know what you should've done? You should've turned it inside out.
Because, I was worried that there might be a situation in which one of us come home with somebody, it could get a little uncomfortable. But, as long as you're okay with it, it's fine with me.
Yeah. Yeah. I'll know if he barks.
Oh, huh. Well, this should be very interesting.
Excuse me. 'scuse me, weren't you told to stop using that hose?
What?
(Mock joy) Ohh.. thank you. (Accepts the gift) Huh.. (Struggles under the size) Wha-- why does a toothbrush come in such a big box?
Oh, well, maybe I'll just go down there and thank him in person.
I can't do that.
I'm gonna go say hi to Jimmy.
Hey look it ;Sally's cable show's on (Kramer turns around to leave)
Make it three hundred.
Oh, lighten up. It'll only feel like an eternity.
So, this book'll tell me how to get puke out of cashmere?
Help us up so we can cross the street?
Wait a--
Yeah, I suppose I am.
Oh my god.
Right.
How high did I go?
Oh...hi, Sidra -
Why not.
Oh quite.
Yeah, right.
It's just that my boss is very demanding and he needed the pencil right away.
(on phone) Yes, hi. Okay, fine, yeah, hold on just a second. Lemme just... (reaches into purse) Yeah, I've got it... (pulls out both hands completely covered in black ink) Oh! Oh! Yeah, yeah, he'll be there. (drops phone, rushes to Pitt) Mr. Pitt, you have GOT to stop staring at that poster!
I can't believe I lost the deposit on that U-Haul. And I threw out my couch.
Yeah. Like a terrible gasket.
No, it's from the store.
No, no. Listen, Rabbi, I'd like to ask you a question. Why, why did you tell my friend Jerry what I talked to you about?
No, there are degrees of coincidences.
Hello. Jerry's not here?
Okay. Hi Gene! (comfortably tosses her bag to the left, it falls on the floor) Uh-ha! (smiling, picks up her bag, puts it on a chair that's to the right)
I can't get off the kishkas.
Well, that kinda brings us to why I'm here. You got eleven minutes?
(Realizing) What? Yeah.. you're right!.. All I have to do is call him up, and sit with him, and show him that it doesn't bother me. You know, laugh it off.. or jam a fork into his forehead.
Alright, I'm out of here.
(Takes the Tic Tacs away from Lou) Ooh, stop it! Bad voodoo. You gotta stop using these.
(Shrugging it off) Anyway, your son is marrying my friend, Sue Ellen Mischke.
I'll say.
Just give it back to him.
Yeah, pretty much.
You had sex on your desk with the cleaning woman.
Oh no, no, come on. Don't be so modest!
(Through intercom) It's Elaine. 
She wants my shoes? What kind of person is this? Alright! She is not getting 'em!
What if Jeffrey's not home. Did you ever think of that?
A thousand. Okay, a thousand once, a thousand twice, a thousand three times, sold to the lucky lady in the third row. Congratulations, thank you so much. 
What happened?
Why couldn't you just wait?
Yeah, the jewel thief.
'Yes you did you said George likes spicy chicken..
Bark.
Well, uhm... I...
Ohh!
(Still trying to get a grasp on the package) How am I supposed to carry this thing? (She looks up to see Jerry taking his pants off) What are you doing?
(resigned) Of course, Mr Peterman.
(not the soul of happiness) Yep. Lemme get 'em for you, Mr Peterman.
Kramer!
What's up?
(confused) Uh, uhm, I'm, I'm here to see Vincent.
This, that, and the other.
Jerry you gotta help me. I threw my back out.
Come on, what is taking you so long?
(whispering to George) You're up.
Hey, I've had those since college. They're bunnies.
(touched, she takes it) Aw, Glenn.
Great.
But we've come so far. We just want to unwind.
What is it? (THEY DISCOVER WHAT HE'S STARING AT) The car!
Oh, hi Noel
But he used a condom, right?
Alison! Hi, this is Elaine...
You really do the worst Godfather I ever heard. You're not even close.
Okay next bachelor is number, um 124 on your program. He's uh, he's a high school graduate. 
But I didn't do it. Testikov did it, he should pay for it!
(looks straight into his eyes) Jerry.
No, no no I didn't know. I, I'm sorry.
(grabs poster, smashes it) No, you don't see it, and you're never going to see it! (grabs Pitt by the lapels, getting ink all over his jacket) Mr. Pitt, you have to meet with the shareholders, you have to leave now. Do you hear me? Do you hear me?!
This isn't going to work for me ... so if you could show me something else.
Did you read the whole thing? 
Nothing, nothing. I'm just taking an interest in what you...do.
David? David, I think we aught to talk.
Of course it was a problem for me. . . . You didn't, you didn't tell anyone else about this, did you?
Huh. (pause) Oh my god.
I just wanna clear my head. It has nothing to do with you.
(Getting up to leave) Alright.
(quiet) Oh, but I thought I was in line for that assignment.
Because they're turning your teeth green?
Well ...
Having a good time!
Hi!
No. I once made out with someone but that was it.
Do you mind?
Oh, did you check you machine?
You! Get out! Get out! Get out!
No, these were the last pair of these that they had!
I'm looking for Kramer.
Oh, Okay... well thanks a lot... sorry again about you and the Drake...
Let me tell you this: there is no way cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy. He looks like a horse!
You can't tell me?
Since when is a drain a toilet?!
I put Canadian quarters in the washing machine. (disappointed) I gotta be out by the end of the month.
Tim.
Uh... I...
So?
Well, to teach something you really have to know a lot about it. I think you need a degree. 
The uh, the letter of, authenticity's in the side pocket there.
What are you doing?
(hardly daring to ask) What about my stock options?
You.
I am lying down. I am trapped under a funky mattress. I gotta go get a doctor or at least come over and roll this thing off of me.
Plan B? There is no plan B.
Why are you yelling at the TV?
Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm the office hero.
Oh, hello.
You know you're chippin' in.
Oh no.
Oh, like you've ever been bobulated.
Everybody does. Bye-bye....
Oh, uh equivalency. A high school equivalency program graduate. (Kramer dances up and down the stage) He's uh, self-employed. He's... I don't know, six foot three, 190 pounds, he likes, uh... fruit, and he just got uh, a haircut. 
One million.
Yea.
Really? A fight with the foreman?
In about twenty minutes.
No?
Hey, I did it.
Huh . So What's it about? 
Oh...any kind of---of a Swedish car.
David, I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Mrs. Winston?
Yeah. (sits down next to Susan)
So, you think you're sponge-worthy?
A poppy seed! It must have been in the chicken. Oh, I'm dead. I'm going to the doctor's in a half an hour.
Eatin' olives.
You could read the paper through the whole thing if you want.
(Shrugging it off) Oh, please.
Ahh-cnee.
All right, then, I was gonna wait, to tell ya this, but.. last night, Susie.. (difficult subject, quiet) she took her own Life..
O-kay ... well then your teeth are green for a different reason. You just gotta stop carrying these, okay? Just ... just mouth wash.
Kramer, the vest just called.
Oh, god! Let us out!
We found it. I can't believe it!
Well that's not sex.
He asked me out for Saturday night.
Michael called me today, and he asked me where Robin was.
Here! Here's your damn keys, you keep 'em! I don't want 'em anymore!
No not quite.
No, but these were the only really cool ones like this! Don't you see how everybody likes 'em and how everybody talks about 'em? (Jerry, realizing Elaine's motivation, sits at the counter unbelievingly.)
She gave it to charity.
Yeah, he's got a real horse face. (Elaine, while looking out the window:) Here, look at this! It's the guy with the dog! (She opens the window and screams:) Hey! Hey! You down there! Remember me? I had to get shot because of your stupid dog!
Oh, Kramer. Okay uh, why don't we start the bidding. Do I hear, um, five bucks? 
so huh, what did the doctors say? 
You found a hair in your Farina?
Different pipes go to different places! You're gonna mix 'em up!
Was that the ... opposite ... of what you were going to say, or was that just your natural instinct? (She squeezes George's mouth between her fingers)
What?
My roommate starts rehearsal tonight on 'Carousel'.
'Well.... (pointing at him) Jimmy!'
Huh.
Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?
No, wait! You're soaking me, you're soaking me!
Hey Todd.
(spotting a chance to keep her job) Oh. Oh yeah. The only thing worse was his slice. (she laughs nervously)
You never said you were fighting children.
What?!
OK, we're broken up for the rest of the day.
Was it blue?
It could be very confusing.
We're with him, we're with him.
I told you, Fred - my friend's next door neighbor took it.
So, what's up with Babu? How come he's not back?
It.
Well, again, I'm just awfully sorry.
Um, no.
I am?
I turned him. He defected.
unbridled enthusiasm...? 
Oh.
Well, you see, David, you're a face painter.
What about Don Ramsey? You didn't mention anything to him did you?
Ahh.
Run down your case for me again...?
Hey. Hey everybody.
It's a long story.
Oh, all right. Is Kramer home?
(Casually playing along) So what?
Well, we could fly some fabric in from our silk factories, for about a thousand dollars a bolt.
Binaca?
(Soaking it in) Right. Don't go. Send a gift. I think I understand.
Oh, yeah, I got a little steam bath. Listen, in 10 minutes, I'm gonna have my hands on that 'Atomic Sub' card.
Hey! I'm just a fan..ha ha...
(Leaving Jerry) See ya.
I guess I'll just--
Kissing is not sex.
I told him I was busy.
And I said I hadn't seen her.
And I want my keys back from you!
Well he was my psychiatrist, you know. I mean, he knows all my patterns. He knows In relationships that I always try to find some reason to leave, and so, he says as my doctor, he can't allow me to do this, so he's not letting me leave.
Oh yeah, because she caught you jer -
Hey.
but what else did they say 
Yep.
Stick ... with the opposite. (Slaps George on the forehead)
Uh huh.
'About tonight hum.. there's been a little misunderstanding.'
Is that with the parts and labor?
(to herself) What am I doing? I'm on a date with this guy because he didn't remember me? He's demented, listen to him...
Yeah sure.
Have a good game.
This is what you used to build me up? This is where you got all that stupid katra stuff?
(sick smile) We have the same taste in movies.
Hi.
That's not gonna do anything.
So, will I see you later tonight?
Just a hunch.
Yeah, Yeah!!
Well, I-I-I must a missed a button. I forgot to button it.
Hi Peggy.
No no no no, come on, let's go downstairs.
She's so wild. Can I borrow her for a few hours tomorrow afternoon? 
What happened?
Out.
Okay! Okay! Okay, I will talk to him. (Kramer enters.)
Okay.
Uh, Mr. Pitt...
Ha! That's preposterous.
Because I'm a *woman*. (swiveling her hips) Ba-ba-ba-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-boom- boom.
Oh! boy. 
Well, it's not that I don't like you, but, well to be perfectly honest, I'm just having some trouble getting past the face painting.
You know that tall really good looking guy, he lives on the fifth floor.
You going to do something about your sideburns?
Why don't we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window?
What are you gonna do in there?
(Suddenly angry) What?!
(tactful) It's, ah, Asian-Americans.
(quiet) Look at this turnout.
Right, right, cankers. Um, I got it! Chew gum!
(Leaving) That's fantastic.
(Embarrassed) Free sub. (Starts to leave) I'll see ya.
85?
So, we're going out Friday.
No, no George! You don't understand! She didn't tell me she was using me as an excuse! Okay?! But then I realized what was going on, and I said that she left a note. Um, but he didn't really buy that. And then, and then he did mention your name.
No, you can't be trusted!
He has this power over me, okay. I mean he has this way of manipulating every little word that I say. He's like a Svenjolly.
Oh, come on, wait a second, this whole thing is ridiculous. How do I even know she wears the same size?
Prognosis... negative.
What's the matter with him?
right yeah.. no I mean did they get into stuff like a.. long jagged scars or.. gross deformities, major skin grafts, stuff like that 
I'll tell ya why. Because of her pinky toe, that's why. Because Lippman felt so sorry for her, he didn't want to hurt her feelings.
What? What?
'Yeah. What happened was....'
Hmm.
Hey. Hi Maestro.
Milhouse.
Search... for Spock?!
Yeah.
Alright. Forget it!
Hey, did Jerry leave that drink next to Dick's on purpose?
(Chuckles)
Oh, you've never missed a button?! (Phone rings, she puts it on speakerphone) Yeah?..
Of course I support your decision to change your name. 
Mmm, gyro. 
(quietly) Wow. Who's hair was it?
Oh it be. (sarcastically) You got any other friends you want to set me up with?
Um, there's a just... (points at her own upper lip)
Well it's a lesson for the kids out there. Anything's possible. Jeromy, I have *hit* the jackpot. The perfect man. Nothing but sex and shopping.
Oh! my God. 
Oh, no. No, David. No, please. Not the knuckle....
Yeah, but you like the face painting.
my god, you didn't.
And the bathroom in your apartment?
(exasperated) What is Lloyd's problem?
You gotta do me a favor.
(irritated) Your funeral's not gonna come close to this.
Hi. Jerry, can I borrow your car?
Well, stinky, this is your lucky day.
My back hurts.
He's coming up?
(laughs)
No thanks.
yeah.
He said he was going to sew your ass to your face.
What did I say?
Come on, he's on his own, come on!
Seven-and-a-half.
He's not doing well, the doctors don't know what it is. They're baffled.
Oh...
huh (smiles) but huh, in this medicated haze, in this woozy state, um do you recall the words.. radical reconstructive surgery being uttered? 
Sure, the pinky toe is cute! But, I mean, what is it? It's useless! It does nothing. It's got that little nail that is just impossible to cut. What do we need it for?
(noticing the forgotten handkerchief tries to stop call for Mr. Lippman with a mouth full of jujifruit) Oh, Mr. Lippman you forgot your handkerchief. Mr. Lippman, you forgot your handkerchief. It's on my desk.
No. You can wrap it. (Dejected. Elaine puts her head down and her hand to her forehead as she walks into the dressing room area) Kramer, are you still in there?
(suddenly intrigued) 'You know, I've never heard anyone talk the way you do. It's very unusual.'
Yeah.
(pushes him) You doofus!
Don't worry, I...
You have screwed me again, Pennypacker!
So I told him, 'Hit the road. I'm going back with Jack.'
Good! I won't!
Oh, God - my nephew. (Picks up the phone and hits the button) Hi, Gail!.. Yu.. yu... Yes, Gail, I know how old he is.
Hey, I've never noticed your hands before. Let me see.
But I didn't do anything.
Well, listen, I just want you to know that I was more than willing to stick it out with Joel Rifkin. 
(quietly) Ahhhhh
Yeah, 308. Oh, I'm crazy for doing this!
(to Kramer) He took it out.
No?
(to the waitress) can I have a scotch on the rocks. 
Oh. You mean you'd stop it for me?
You think we're far enough.
The sink, the tub, everything got cleaned?
Well, how do you think I feel? Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent, I am proofreading a food allergy cookbook.
Uhh, I got sprayed with a hose.
Hold on a second. Mrs. Seinfeld, I need your sample.
Hey. Where's the car?
(quiet) Oh, oh--ho--I'm not Susie.. I'm Elaine.
I have to haul some dirty garbage to the dump.
Cab receipt. Hey, Puddy. 
Yeah, but an 85, Jerry, that's ridiculous.
(after they leave) Isn't she beautiful? Her nose is in such perfect proportion with the rest of her face. She's breathtaking! Who would have though she's like--
No, no. It was an accident. It really wasn't my fault. It was Jerry.
Who are you to talk about her like that? She'll call him when she's good and ready. You don't even know her.
Yeah.
Well I don't know, he caught me off guard!
Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.
Yeah
Just my luck, y'know... just when he's getting thin and attractive. Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really lift his spirits.
So I spoke to some of my sisters about that coffee shop.
think Tony, think 
Why don't you just shut the f-
Jerry?
'Well anyway hum.... see when I made the date, I thought that Jimmy......'
You're quitting?
Okay, Mr Seinfeld, this is not the t...
Really, what was the first?
What are you doing here?
Look, it's Dan! Hi Dan!
These aren't my keys!
Yeah, take it! Take it!.. An' stop calling me 'Nip'! (Co-worker takes it and quickly leaves. Elaine goes back to the phone) It was an accident! Well.. well.. it's gotta be somewhere. Look under his mattress.
(Obviously not impressed, dull) Yeah, real nice.
Well, as far as I know, he bumped his arm into a door and it's kind of got this in(pauses)voluntarily movement. Some sort of a (clears her throat) spasm. So, anyway, you're a..you're a big advisor to Dinkins, huh?
(she fakes a strangling) RRR... 
Ooo, That's us. (hits Jerry in the arm)
Why are you so interested -- you want to take her out?
Boy, you don't look good.
Couldn't be happier.
(feeling sick) Yeah! go ahead. 
That's so, that's so sweet.
Alright, let's go. (They head for the bedroom.)
I did. He loves Rava. Worse, he loves Ray. And he didn't think you're funny at all.
I need a clean urine sample from a woman.
Good.
Oh! Hadn't noticed! Excuse me. (she's going to the podium)
Well, actually it's pretty grimy.
Hey Jerry. What are you doing here with Beth?
Uh... 
Her type? What type?
Oh, uh, I didn't know.
Mmm... (Elaine goes to the bathroom)
Excuse me.
Yes, I heard, Kramer - I work there, remember??
Jake, Jake. Take a look. (puts on the frames she bought) Aaw, see, you're not the only one who has 'em. I have them too.
'Elaine once tried to convert one but Elaine's not going through that again.'
Then how did she find out, Jerry?!
Well, you can't quit, you're all I've got. I need you!
(worried) No, no. Well, I mean, you know, he's more like an intern, you know, at best.
What?
George, I cannot believe...
Hey Jerry when do you consider that sex has taken place?
Hey!
Well who told you to sleep with her George?!
I don't know!
I don't see how I could have said Svenjolly.
Aver Martone. I've heard of her, who's she playing?
So we decided I should go over there and apply for a job myself.
Wow! You know what I would do if I was running for mayor. One of my campaign themes would be that everybody should wear name tags all the time to make the city friendlier.
Yeah. Yeah. 10 names. 
You sold us a hair with a cake around it. We'd like another one.
Well, you're not Superman.
No, you look pale.
What? What are you doin'? ( Kramer salting her food) 
Oh please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please?
So, if your parents move to Florida, you're poor.
Well, I don't know who you are, but thanks for the car.
So they don't want a baby?
Get well, get well soon, we want you to get well. Get well, get well soon we want you to get well.
You told me? You pushed this whole thing on me, it was your idea!
Well, uh, I'll cancel it.
I just thought I could write it.
this isn't a very good time George 
Oh, wonderful!
Malaysia. I was in the area.
'Yeah!'
What can you say about a girl like Susie? (she doesn't know..)
Kramer.
Well what, what about your fact-checking job?
(Raising her finger at him, in an authoritative tone) David.. 
No there has got be a mistake.
So, George told me that you left the drink next to Dick's on purpose.
Oh Gosh! None of this would never have happened if you wouldn't have said 'God bless you'!
Nedda?
Hello.. (Pulls a wad of bills out of her purse, and starts to count it up) 
(offering a drink) Snapple?
Because, it's discriminatory (she comes back wearing one of Jerry's shirts, untucked)
Well, everybody would know everybody. It would be like a small town.
O.K. And if somebody objects, you can just veto it. 
Oh. Listen, you got the tape-recorder.
Oh, yeah, there's nothing better than skiing.
What are you talking about? 
Oh no, thank you.
Well, one of those glasses.
Oh! (comes to him)
Get in there. Get chart. Get out. You got it. 
Obviously. And if they stay, you're rich, but...
Bye.
(Realizes her mistake) I think I'm gonna be sick. (George enters alone)
Steve.
She's not bitter!
Huh. Well this is a little awkward, isn't it/
I don't know. Those writers make a lot of money.
Ah,
Oh, of course! She's deranged.
'I don't care:'
Wow. You're right. That is loud.
I can't believe it. Hey, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.
This is it. I can take this anymore.
No, it's not going to work with this guy.
Oh my god..
You ready?
Really? Wow.
O.K. You start. What's your first choice? 
Yeah I gotta get Testikov on tape. If this woman ends up in the 'New England Journal Of Medicine' I'm not gonna pay for it.
How do you feel?
Ugh, the hell with 'em.
'Hey Jimmy!!'
There's Jean-Paul! He's up front! He's leading! (jumping) Go Jean-Paul!(starts screaming)
Yeah, he won't mind. C'mon, you're his mom.
Get out! (pushes him back, but he falls back on the floor!)
This. 
Quite a dilemma. You know, I have a bit of a dilemma of my own.
Bye.
They call him a Cleaner. He makes problems go away.
It's Elaine.
Listen, there were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever he's name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate.
Oh my god that's Dick. It's Cape Fear.
Twisted? God, I did you a favor.
I've never seen you jealous before.
O.K., can I just watch the show? (mutters under her breath) God, what an asshole.
I did not bare myself deliberately, but I tell you, I wish now that I had! (Fred, shocked by her speech, flees. She calls after him, still standing at the hallway) Because it is not me that has been exposed, but you! For I have seen the nipple on your soul!
Yeah.
yeah, Tony says you better step off George 
Well, ,I'm going out with the stationery store guy.
What're you stopping here for?
What is that?
They rehearse all the time?
But the whole thing is a mess. He told everyone in the building. I met that cute guy on the fifth floor. I mean he could barely bring himself to nod.
Congratulations! You passed!
Yeah.
I guess. 
Yes! 212.
Jerry! It was! Let me take it again.
And there it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck either, but juicy tender breasts of duck.
I don't think so.
(Sincere) I'm sorry.
No, I'm watching my weight.
(right away) No. Second choice. 
(kiss, kiss) You know, because I love the foot. I'm a big fan of the foot. 
Paul?
'Elaine got a new dress.'
It's BOOKED Jerry!
Yeah, a coffee cup's fine.
Oh, Kevin! I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?
Okay. 
Alright, this is easy. Let 'em go.
In the back.
Yeah.
Hey, what happened to the guy I had last time?
Ow, ow move over.
Are you calling me a liar?
Wait a second wait a minute, You jealous of him or you jealous of me?
Uh, Eduardo, uh, Carochio.
I didn't say anything.
Exactly.
Okay. Alright we got the cake now. Where is George and Kramer?
I felt so guilty about the pencil I couldn't say no.
(pointing) Oh, no, I'm three more blocks.
Why is the letter 'D' painted on your chest?
You didn't say this to George, did you?
Go Jean-Paaaaaul!
I know you're very busy, but I just wanted to come by and give you this.
and here.
Yep.
What? you're breaking up with me? But I sacrificed and supported you while you struggled. What about my dream of dating a doctor?
(indifferent) Yuh.
Oh, come on, come on. I?ll guarantee 140. What do you have to lose?
Five seconds. Jerry, I was five seconds away from breaking up with him. Five seconds. The next words out of my mouth were, 'Owen, it's over.'
The pick?
Yeah, so they say.
I have never met a normal guy named Stuart. 
And that pinkie toe, come on . How adorable is the pinkie toe. 
Well, well, well, I'm not treating you to lunch ANYMORE! You had to tell Julie that I made a special point of telling you that I bought you the big salad. Didn't ya'.
Kramer?
What's the rent?
He went back.
Yes, fine, fine, a juice glass is perfect.
(turning to them, awkward) It's locked..
Benes. My last name is Benes you jackass. Yeah. 
Alright, well, then they stay. Lemma ask you something...
Nice looking family.
I see you're still sticking with the denim. (He's wearing a denim coat) Do you have that card that I gave you?
All right! I am back in the game.
I've got no room.
Are you?
Kramer's on 'Murphy Brown'!
It was..uh.. John-John. 
Uh, excuse me, are you using that ketchup?
Who was it?
George, these are the best scrambled eggs I've ever tasted.
Uh, uh.
Yeah, but it's only three blocks.
But you said no more painting.
Yeah that! So, . . .
No, no, no. Not the toothbrush.. (Holds out the poster) this.
Hi! How 'r u doing?
These are terrible.
Shot.
Brett said you ran away from him, as if he were the boogetyman.
Look it, are we going to have sex, or not?
Rabbi, is there anything I can do to combat this Shiks-appeal?
Hello?
No, no, come on. I guarantee it.
Yeah, well, he nods. And I think he understands me, he seems to enjoy it when I read to him.
Why don't you just flip a coin already?
Yeah. Okay.
(repeating to hear how it sounds) Todd. (pause) No. Veto. 
Let's face it, you get a bunion, where are you going? You're not going to the ear guy. 
Hi, (sighs) you got the organizer?
What are you doin' there?
Well here's the thing. Being a woman, I only really have access to the, uh... equipment, what, thirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who *own* this equipment, and have access to it twenty-four hours a day, their entire lives.
It doesn't matter.
(takes a huge shot) I'll tell ya, it's not bad.
Speaking of Jerry, his father is driving me so crazy down at Peterman's.
(to Jerry) Hi. (indicating Kramer) How's he doing?
No, no, no. You give me your number.
You get yours out, I was here first!
(quietly) No, no, no, I can cancel.
What about the dogs?
(Reflecting) Well, it got me fired from the benefit committee.
Three days and he hasn't called me, and you know why? Because he thinks I'm too fat.
ok step off George, can u just step off? 
I must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!
(unbuckling her seatbelt) Alright, well...
Yeah, that's right.
Boy, too bad. If I was up there, you'd never hear a peep out of me. I'm as quiet as a mouse.
GEORGIE! CONGRATULATIONS! Oh, my god. I haven't seen you since it happened. I'm so happy for you.
Oh, well, I just felt so bad about what happened in Tuscany..
What kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway.
Gone.
Boogey?
Well, something's goin' on here, 'cause every able-bodied Israelite in the county is driving pretty strong to the hoop.
No. You got the wrong number, kid.
Ok, now where I'm going to take it.
So listen, what should I do? I mean if I break up with him now it'll look like I'm abandoning him because of his condition, I'll be ostracized from the community.
You know, maybe if you hadn't been sitting there pontificating about what a great parker you were, you might have got the space.
Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, the aerobics teacher, that he wants to meet me outside here at nine o' clock tonight. 
You wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman?
Great... 
I'll be right back. 
(scoffs) Uh, is Noreen there?
Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance.
She'd driven me a hundred and twenty miles and, all of a sudden, three blocks from my door, she decides this trip is over. Isn't that strange?
So what are you going to do?
A milk glass, a juice glass, any glass, just pick a glass.
What?
Oh. (puts the VCR down) I thought a movie might cheer him up. I got him a Gene pick.
No.
(to the black waitress) Long day?
Get it out!
(quietly) I can cancel.
This chicken is really good.
Here's your ketchup back. You know, I had the hardest time trying to get some out. I mean, I just kept pounding and pounding on the bottom of it. Do you have any trouble?
(stands up straight) No, but I saw the look on his face when he put his arm around me. And then we went to his apartment, and I sat on one of his chairs and it broke. And he says, 'Boy, you're a lot of woman!'
Bye bye (shuts the door) oh.. (opens it back) George wait wait 
Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing.
Oh, come on. You really, really deserve it.
Where are you going?
(raises her hand) Yo.
No. He blew out my Witchy Woman, and he won't share Desperado. Hey, what d'you think of Oye Como Va?
What?</font>
(About to leave) Well, what does that have to do...?
Oh...nuts.
Of course there's a community.
Because he think I live here. Remember when we shared a cab, and he dropped me off out in front? He's picking me up. 
Oh my!
Yes (clears her throat) yes I did.
I gotta tell ya, I have a bad association with the name Alex. 
It's right down here to the left. I will uh meet you right back here. 
(pause) Well... Can I talk to her?
Yeah. (teary-eyed) Thanks. Is Melrose Place on?
I've never heard of anything like this. I mean, it's almost as if I was hitch-hiking and she says 'Well, this is as far as I can take you.'
Oh! You mean you don't care if he does the move anymore?
No! No! It's impossible. It's impossible.
Mrs. Seinfeld, pick a glass! Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld!
Oh, ok! (Picking up the Ori-dent box, she knocks over a bottle of wine. It spills all over the poster)
(puzzlement) Huh? What does that do?
(evasive) I'm kinda off of him. (looking around) Uh, outlet?
So how long did they drag you?
No.
I hear ya, Sister.
I knew those condoms were defective!
(quietly) I,...
Yeah, well I wouldn't have had to get your mail if he hadn't gone to that fantasy camp.
Do you have a...ketchup secret?
Hello. (she enters) 
would you throw this trash out (closes the door) 
I don't know. I don't know how it happened. We were practically in Monticello. I mean, how could that thing have found its way back? There's no way.
Are you kidding? I have seen the changes in you the past couple of years. Man, you have grown. You've matured.
But she broke up with you.
(desperation) Well, I'm running outta guys here in this city, Jer!
Kneel?</font>
Ah.
No.
No. It's just that I've been kind of buried over here.
I'm not sure but... I think I see your...
Uh well um, I felt that the writing lacked certain emotion and intensity.
Yeah, in college I sat next to an Alex in art history. And he was always drinking coffee and after every sip he would go: 'Ahh'. I mean every two seconds: 'Ahh'. And he would take like 40 sips and after everyone: 'Ahh'. I had to drop the class. 
Do you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George.
(losing patience) Alright--would you just put her on?
Okay.
I had to carry my skis, and my boots and my poles. I think I pinched a nerve in my shoulder.
It's the Urban Sombrero. I put it on the cover.
Kurt!
(grabbing her bag and coat) I gotta split.
Hi George. Hi Jimmy.
A fake number! Blimey!
(as Darryl comes into Monk's) Yeah. It's OK. My boyfriend's black. Here he is. See?
Because! Because she missed her period!
(Slowly) Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior.. 
Because if you do have a ketchup secret, I would really, really like to know what it is. (Russell is pleased, and smiles at Elaine. Elaine goes back to her table, sits down, and waves at Russell.)
Um, yes this is my friend Jerry. Um, he accompanied me, ya know (clears throat), single women in a big city can be dangerous, so...
I know.
Oh! Well, I just think it's wonderful. Honestly! I've gotta run, but um, please, please give my best to Susan.
I can't I 've got to meet a friend.
It smells like a rubber fire.
Mr. Peterman.</font>
And.. also, much like me, Susie hated going to the, Market.
All right, you can take it. But I want it back.
Can't you do anything about this? I mean this woman is a psycho!
Hit. No. I guess his parents didn't want to tell him. B-2?
Assassins! How dare they keep a person waiting like this! ... Drake's Coffee Cake? ... Give me that.
Right, well...
(placatory) I'm so sorry about that Mr Costanza, but look. Look, I brought you another one. (hands it over) 
It's true. I'm George! I'm George!
YOU feel?
Hey George, I am *really* proud of you. I really do admire what you've done.
Yeah, alright, I gotta go.
Yeah, it's a bra.
I said rubber fire.
Hey, look at this. Wide lanes. This is so luxurious. Woo, yeah.
Look, just because I'm a woman...
Hey.
No. What about him?
It's a story about love , deception ,greed , lust and.... unbridled enthusiasm . 
Oh, I can't Jerry. 4I'm sworn to secrecy.
My most, just heartfelt congratulations.
Where's my chart? Did you get it? 
You speak Burmese?</font>
Oh, god, yes, Mr. Peterman. (steps down)
Ah, this. And that.
All right, Jerome, I'm in.
He called 6 times yesterday. What a nightmare it must be to have a real family.
(stretching) Oh Man... Uunh.
Wow. Wow. You see? You think you know somebody.
Mmmm.
That's that's correct, I-I felt that the character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly...
(accepts reluctantly) Oh, thank you. 
Uh huh.
What, are you insane?!
What is the matter?
(on the phone to) Look Jerry, we'll meet you at the theater. (hangs up the phone) OK, next showings at 9:00, we can't wait any longer.
w-What is this all about?
Did you ever pay Todd for these things?
What are you guys doing here?
Would you just keep an eye out for this woman. She's about ye high and eh, she doesn't swing her arms when she walks.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Hi, It's Elaine is this a bad time?
So, what did he do?
Un-huh.
Hmm. (she nods in agreement)
Hi, Greg.
Yeah!..tha..that's right. that That's what led to...(throath clearing) Billy Mumphrey's downfall. 
News? What news?
Yes! Yes, yes. Sure.
Oh Thanks, thank you very much.
What? What happened? 
Ah.</font>
Like this...(imitates the walk with her arms hanging.)
Maybe we should get married. Maybe everything we need is right here in front of us. Jer... let's do it.
Hit. Uhh...you sank my submarine.
Hi!
Well, yeah, you know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters in to machine and then (prrt) nothing comes out...
It's so amazing getting to see Monica Seles playing in the finals. 
Uh! Ho-ho. An' what are YOU gonna tell her?
Oh, Mr Lippman. (joins laughter) That is so exciting. I mean, you have no idea how sick I am of running around town looking for socks.
Look, let's just leave him a note, okay?
Oh-oh, but-
Why?
Where's Beth?
I don't think so David, we're through.
Aren't you?
Mr. Peterman, you wanted to see me, sir?
What's going on?
Wait `til I get my hands on that George. I am gonna *pull* that big hood over his little head... tie the strings, and suffocate. You remember that Panama hat? That was nothing.
Ok. (Another guy approaches the exercise machine.) I got the machine next, buddy. (Greg finishes up his workout and gets off the machine.)
Hi.
I didn't ruin anything. He looked like an idiot. He did, and it made him act like a jerk.
Yes...Ye..Yes..That's right...You see ,Billy Mumphrey was a simple country boy. Some might say a cockeyed optimist, who got caught up in the dirty game of world diplomacy and International intrigue. 
What? What?
Yes. Yes, yes. Yes.
(pointing a finger accusingly at Kramer) You! This is all your fault! You told me I could run the company!
No, you're the only, white poet warlord in the neighborhood. (laughs)</font>
Aren't you Raquel Welch?
What? What happened to the new Jerry?
Yeah, hello is this Allied Lock Smith?! Oh, finally, listen I need someone to come over here right away!
Hi.
(Concerned) What's the matter?
What happened?
Ok, ok ok ...
(sighs) Kramer! You have GOT to let me talk to her!
Oh really, you like 'em?
Oh, come on, come on, come on. (picks up pad of paper and writes) 'George, Elaine and I went to see Chunnel ... with Jerry.' Love?
No. No. Don't be silly, John, you were very good. You just don't have to try so hard. Good luck, honey.
What?
Whew that was a dozy.
You're not gonna believe what I got in the mail. Invitation to Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding.
Ohh...
Wha'd you come in here for?
Oh! Ping! Hi! Listen, thank you so much for dropping that lawsuit against me.
What's the matter with you?
Oh, he'll be right up. He's just getting some beer. And I'm not expecting ... any change. (leans forward as she brings her hands together in front of her, then sits on the couch)
No, I got caught.
Yes, yes Mr. Mandel. 
Oh, come on, Jerry. Please, please, please, please, please!
(shout) What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?!
Well you guys are gonna have fun here so..bye take care
Well, I'll see ya... (exits)
I - I work for your mail order catalog.</font>
Nothing, I wasn't just moving my arms...
Oh, well that's just *great!*
I am getting a lock smith, alright?! Relax!
(eating dinner with Kramer, Elaine, and Puddy) Mmm. This food is fantastic, PEGGY: And what a pretty radish rose, huh?
You're black. You said we were an interracial couple.
(to George returning) Hi George. Something stinks in here.( George motions to Jerry, she nods)
Very mature.
no no , ..
...ok I'll just....
Never mind that, look at the signal I just got.
Get the-- (Kramer puts phone down)
Well, you know what? (removes glasses)
'Love ... Susan.'
Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing) Cut the stupid thing in half.
I cut it.
Mr. Peterman.. (leaning forward, whispering) I'm Susie.. She's me..
Book it.
Not the point. The wedding is in one week. I got this (Holds up invitation) today.
Well Kramer, I have to return this test. I've got to get out of here.
What is it?
What?
You know, I happen to have the script right here with me and, uh...on page 3, for example, suppose the Elaine character comes in wearing a...a low-cut dress. And the butler is very distracted, and can't work.
What's wrong?
About 2 days. Although he's hinting at how he'd like to stay. Fortunately he has no money, and no prospects. (she smiles)
Her assistant caught me. And now I'm probably not going to get a job. He's going to tell Landis that I was sneakin around her office.
Yeah?
I wonder what happened?
Well actually um, I do have a bill here. If you could just sign, this expense form, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here.</font>
Yeah, the address is 78th West...
Here's to Peggy, on her first week of being germ-free, free.
I am?
I was the one who talked into your tape recorder.
Lookit. He knew I was gonna use the machine next, he didn't wipe his sweat off. That's a gesture of intimacy.
(hands them over) You can have 'em.
You know something really stinks to high h... Holly! What are you doing here?
He could have died
Yeah, yeah, y-yeah.
Anna...
(looks up, screaming in frustration!) Suuuuuuuuuuze!
David I know this hurts, but it's the way it has to be (Puddy is giving her a look like he's going to still get some).
It's an un-vitation! (Notices George is a few inches higher) Hey, are you gettin' taller?
Um...as far as I know.
I had to take it again.
What?
Real good!
Why?
Well, I'm sure it's right up Russell's alley.
You still have no proof.
The black and white?
Oh my god.
Meanwhile Mr. Pitt's got this match with Ethyl Kennedy this afternoon.
Get out!
Right... (nodding)</font>
Well, that's because you're an idiot.
Oh well, hey, I dated Jerry too. I-I know what a monster he can be. More wine and turkey?
No. Why would you think that?
You told him!!!!
I'm sorry but there's somebody else.
You guys are not gonna believe this. I just got a letter from a friend of mine in Chicago who was shopping, and she said she saw a mannequin that looked just like me. What if there're more. Where are they coming from? 
Listen, George! Listen! He knew what he was doing, this was a signal.
No no no no. Go to that place on the corner, they'll change the prescription in an hour. Take 'em.
Hello father.
I'm uh, I'm meeting James here. He's bringing over your jacket.
What?!
Kevin's having his vasectomy reversed.
All right. Well, we'll talk about it tomorrow at the office. (Mr. Costanza enters)
I'm going to get some popcorn.
Ah. (Looking at the invitation) Hey, look at this. 'Pinter Ranawat'.. I wonder if he's related to that guy I dated, Peter Ranawat..
Uh, I guess I hadn't--
What's the difference?!!
Well, come on we're on vacation.
Do you know how much money you cost me today?! 429 dollars!
Not getting' along?
So, you're gonna get a new couch?
Hey hey Kurt, slow down! I can't just marry you, whim-bam-boom! I mean, I need some 'fiance-time,' I need some 'make-my-girlfriends-jealous' time...
So, how did it end?
Oh, he's nobody. Hey, listen, ... let me top that off for ya. (pours her glass of wine into Celia's glass)
This food was in the shower with you?
That's because I thought you were black.
(still on the floor) Uh... What about those muscle relaxers?
Ahh, it's good, isn't it? Yankee Bean. Why Yankee Bean, huh? Don't they have beans in the south? I mean if you order Yankee Bean in the south, are they offended? Huh? (singing) Yankee Bean, Yankee Bean, I like my Yankee Bean. (she puts the bowl down and wipes Owen's mouth with a napkin) Owen, I think we have to talk. I mean, uh, *I* have to talk. It would be nice if *we* could, but, uh, whatever. Um, don't get me wrong, I like coming here, and uh, feeding you and cleaning a little, and paying your bills, that's good stuff. Good stuff! I have a wonderful time when I'm with you, wonderful! But at this point in my life, I'm not really sure that I'm ready to make a commitment to one person. I'm just not really sure that we have enough in common. For example, I like running in the park, bicycling, roller skating, tennis and skiing, and um, well, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you now, Owen, it's a bitch to get here. It's two subways. I have to transfer at Forty-second Street to take the double-R. Anyway, I mean, this doesn't mean we can't be friends. These pretzels are making me thirsty.
Well it's, nothing I planned on happening, you know. It just, kind of happened.
Yeah! It's a social thing.
Hi Cosmo
Yeah, I've no use for them anymore. Honestly.
I didn't take your napkins.
How can you possibly show your face there again?
(frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still hurting me, and now you have the bike?!
What?
That was nothing.
Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?
Oh, we ordered some appetizers. Start eating.
I got Sandra transferred to another office upstairs, okay?! So, she blabs to Lippman about my long distance calls to Europe!
Marla? Hi, oh, I'm glad I ran into you- 
(mocking - in a dopey voice) 'Well if we can't look to the cookie where can we look?'
(quietly) OK.
Well, this has turned out to be one *helluva* weekend. (Policeman knocks on door, Michael answers)
Do you want your old couch back?
[gasps]
Yeah, yeah, that too.
uh.
What call?
I don't think we should be talking about this.
Say what? (laughing) Say what?
Well, there's not really much to tell, you know, he's just a guy, Really.
Nothin'. I was just givin' her the straight dope.
Alright, well, maybe I'll mention it to Russell tomorrow night.
No! I won't be a party to this.
They're from Malaysia.
Oh, how do you do? Elaine Benes.
Ask Jerry.
Hi, ah, three for Chunnel -- two adults ... one child. (looking towards Jerry)
Oh! Yes! What a load off. So when are we going to Africa?
Raquel Welch!
Listen David, I've got to run. Can you lend me fifty bucks?
Hey.
Uh! I made a friend when I was in Europe, okay?! And we've been in touch, and Sandra told Lippman!
What happened? 
Mr Lippman. I'm sorry, I was in Queens uh... (sees Kramer) Kramer! 
Wait, what about your vomit streak?
 Hello, Tim.
Oh! Oh, I love it! I absolutely love it!
Yes...ummm, (leans into the microphone, pulling it closer it squeaks) yes, that's correct.
(sighs Wa-ah) I don't know...a year?
David, this has been the worst month of my life and if I never see you again it'll be too soon.
(Remembers Jerry's talking about her) Oh, the great conversation girl. (Somewhat bitter toward Jerry) The one you think can replace me?
I didn't have time to go home. What are you doing here?
What was that? 
I'm white.
No no no no, I was just down on the forty-second street subway today, it is disgusting. Guess who I bumped into. Owen.
Right...
Listen, there was a lot more I could've told her, believe me.
Okay, I'll talk to him. But you're putting me in a very difficult position. (Walks away.)
Thanks
(admiring gasp) Fabulous.
Oh no, let's do it now.
What? Why not?
All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.
Yeah, I bumped in to her on the street. It got pretty ugly.
Well, it is Sunday night, and you know how I like to unwind.
(Confused) 'Anything else'? What do you mean 'anything else'?
Ohh. Boy, she's a whack-o. 
Bouchard's, on 53rd. (George starts choking on his wine, and attempts to tell Elaine something.)
What are you doing in here with that? 
Oh, oh! Ooh my god. Oh!
Who's that?
 Don't worry, Tim.  I didn't come by to yell at you, I didn't come by for that at all.  I just came by to pick up my label maker.  I gave you a label maker and now I would like to have it back.
Me either.
The K Man did it!
Yes, that's correct.
Well, Here we are.
(sighs ahh) Could I see the ring again?
Oh that's origi-
Kramer.
I guess.
What is it?
. . . Years. Many years (her voice cracks), um, (clears throat) we've been close friends and then recently something just you know *ehghh* happened.
You might've if I'd stayed. So you know what? I got served with papers today. Ping is suing me. I need your virgin as a witness. You better be nice to her.
Hi George.
Sorry? You almost took my toe off. Why don't you watch what you're doing you, LUNATIC!... (the man turns and walks away)
Uh-Oh-ah, by the way Mr. Testikov um, do you remember the other day when we were in the limo and ah, my organizer started making noise and you threw it out the window?
Wow. Isn't this little bunny giving you the-
Okay.
But I wanted to see the bushmen.
You got that right.
(While looking over the contract Jerry just drew up) Yeah, well, that's not bad. 
(still laughing, she says it just as the picture is taking) Astro...naut!
Yeah, he's almost fully recovered. He told me he was just using me for sex.
Yeah!
What? 
(con't) ...uh, Jerry, I think he broke my toe. (Jerry gets up) W-Where're you going?
No, no, he's not my boyfriend.
 But you gave me a ticket to the Super Bowl.  Hand it over, Whatley.
[laughing] How much did you pay for this thing?
(sighs)
Well, it'll be a couple of years before he's completely bald. Those'll be good times.
My god, George!
86th and Broadway please.
Yeah. So do you want to go to the Gap?
Well, I mean it's only a six month probation, it's a slap on the wrist.
Yeah, yeah. Sexu-ally.
Look at George. (On the other side of the restaurant) He lucked out, huh?
( laughs) Well um, would you believe that it actually, hit somebody in the head.
You should show this to Georgie.
Mr Mandel, you don't understand ...my my friend had fleas. I ran into the gas, it could have killed me, and my, my other friend couldn't taste his peaches ,they only good for two weeks. 
That means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
I think your um ... (points at the phone)
Why is that beautiful?
(Let down) He didn't show. 
Noo, thanks.
Hey, if you saw me naked, I wouldn't want to ride back in the same car with you either.
So, ever since she started dating Kramer, she won't even talk to me!
Take a guess.
 You don't have the label maker, do you?
What?
Good morning.
So.ehmmmm. so, do you have any ideas when the Nicole Millers are coming in?
Jerry, it's three-thirty in the morning. I'm at a cockfight. What am I clinging to?
Oh no.
Yeah, since she met him she's been vomited on, her family cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going.
Boing! Hehe hehe. (makes a hand gesture to her forehead and away)
Okay...Good day.. 
I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
Jerry, where'd you get it? That's his coat.
Of what?
Well, I was just um, telling you about this, other guy.
It's four hundred and twenty nine dollars!
What? He's - He's out there? Oh, my God. I-I gotta go, I gotta go.. 
Just gonna return some of your things that were in my house.
How is he gonna pay off a thousand dollar fine?
(pause) You know, everybody listens to the Chinese. I mean, look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with that in any other restaurant.
Hi.
 I knew it!  You're a regifter!
Well, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with anyone before. It was quite the spectacle.
What? Who's was it? Where'd you get it?
Great. You?
Huh!
Noooooooooooo!
What are you doing here?
Yeah, and I got you a cord of wood, so you won't have to burn 'em.
It was a joke...
Oh that's nothing. Um and anyway um...
I just don't get it.
(quietly) hu_uh, (pause) You know, everybody listens to the Chinese. I mean, look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with that in any other restaurant.
It's a beautiful couch.
I gotta make some changes. I'm not a woman. I'm a child. What kind of life is this?
Mr Peterman, that can't have been the only time that you faced mortal danger.
No, that's not your coat.
What do they do?
Yeah
No, no.
What? 
I know.
 What?
Oh, bye. Good to see you.
Get out!
Yep.
Hummm.... so you've no idea when.. they'll arrive.
Well, he wrote the check, and I cashed it.
Who is this?
Aah.... ( she stares at the three of them all lined up like the Daltons, all looking at her with lust.) I think I'll get going...
No, No that's my purse!
What is wrong with everybody?
Donna, do you think you can get the salt stain out of this?
The Soup Nazi gave it to you?
Wow, invitations again...
It's Joe Mayo's coat.
Yeah. Yeah, (cough, cough) Mm-hm.
(Giving up too easy) Okay.
I do.
I'm waiting.
What is wrong with Ned? 
There's Rachel.
(visibly upset)  Well, I bought it for you because you were so nice to me for not charging me for the dental work.  The way you worked on my filling, you were so, so gentle and so caring and so sensitive.
Uh, this is,...
Nope. (Billy leans in to kiss her.) What are you doing?
(flat) Yeah, yeah. Was nice.
I'm so sorry George
Oh, Cry Cry Again, I wanna see that.
You're... poor AND married?
Jerry, come on, look. Let's go over to that yogurt store.
he's supposed to get the bandages off on Sunday.. what if? 
No, get-get off my purse!
You're really working up quite a sweat today, huh?
(standing up) What is wrong with all you people?! Have you all gone mad?!!
(Tilts her head down, looking over her glasses in amazement of
Why?
This the Urban Sombrero, I put it on the last catalog cover.</font>
All right, well...you want to grab some coffee?
Aww.
Oh, no no no no, don't concern yourself with me, because I'm - I'm good. I'm - I'm very good, I mean I'm really very, very good.
(Angered) He left with Marla, the virgin? 
Yeah I got your fins. You got my poker chips?
Ellis. 
What are you doing with this couch?
Oh...I don't think so.
(pushing Bob away) Get offa me! Stop it. Stop it.
Well I (indistinct) ...manuscript that I... 
you know (acts like a monster) 
No that's... Radio!
Are you sure you want to do that?
Yeah, obviously.
[gasps]
Get offa me!
I guess I'm... Lois Loan.
What?
. . . no.
They drove away? 
No, I'd like to apply for a waitress job.
They're next to the fins. You got my cards?
Ellis and Alex aren't even close. 
Did you tell him it was peed on?
I wish I could help you, but I can't afford two of 'em. (Pats Billy on the shoulder and gets out of bed.)
Get a hold of yourself, Bob! (throwing Bob back between the seats) Get a hold of yourself!
yeah I mean, I mean what is my obligation here, you know we were just dating, it was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway 
How was it?
You're interested in...in her? (Points at the manager.)
Couldn't agree more.
( knocks) Hello is anybody here?.. 
Well, I'm just gonna go down there and personally thank him. I mean, I had this guy all wrong. This is wonderful!
(gasps)
Well eh, kind of....
He thinks you're a phony?
H-his name?
Oh yeah. I've been a professional waitress for the last 10 years. I've worked all over the city. These, uh, are my references. I'm sure you'll find that I'm more than qualified.
All right and that just about... does it.
Ohh, what is the point? 
You were big.
Yeah, he was waitin' inside his apartment for him with a sock full of pennies.
Bobby, you gotta stop calling your Gammy. Why? Because sometimes you call very early in the morning when Gammy has been out late the night before and sometimes when Gammy's not alone. Your parents still haven't said anything to you about your Gammy? (sighs) All right, here we go. (coughing) Gammy doesn't feel so good. I think Gammy might be dying. Yep. Yep. Ok. Good-bye, Bobby. Don't call anymore. I'm dead now. Gotta go.
 I brought you chicken soup.  (To Patti)  Is that real fur?
What?
(Turns to George, he is now reading a book) Hey, what are you reading?
(Makes a sound of surprise) Is that..? 
(pointing to Kramer) Now look what you've done.
I lied 
Ah. You know, uh..I'm engaged. (preens) Yep, gettin' married in fifty years. (Snaps the straps of her leotard against her chest and winces. George walks by the manager.)
Yeah, me too.
Good.
Oh! my God. 
Brett, believe me. You don't have to do this.
This is nice. What kind of car is this? 
Oh.
Oh, you have to say something.
Um, well what's the difference?
You're in big trouble mister. And I mean trouble with a capital 'T'. (she leaves)
Okay, welp... see you around.
O.K. O.K. Remy. 
George I've just reading this thing in the paper, it's unbelievable!
Yeah, pretty much. Although I still get the vibe every once in a while.
And he's dunking!
(still with her imitation, shouting even louder) STELLA! STELLA!
(To Jerry) John Cheever, you ever read any of his stuff?
He's waving.. 
are you kidding, he's a mimbo I know that.. but he's my mimbo, you know and even if he is a hideous freak maybe, maybe I can learn to love him, maybe in some final irony (Jerry is looking the other way), I'll learn what love really is. You know Jerry 
You know, Greg, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Yeah. It is.
Great!
Wha...?
(Passionately) Oh Bob! Bob!
Uh, I promise you, Jerry is not jealous of Kramer's cabinet.
(To Jerry) You couldn't just give him one high-five? 
Oh, this...emm...yeah...here you go.
You gotta open the vault.
No, no, I just - I just don't see how that's relevant.
Anyway there's at least four of them, and they're all huge. And one is bigger than the next. It's like a Russ Meyer movie.
All right, let's go, I give you half an hour.
The sweater! The sweater made him sniff! See, I told you he wasn't a drug addict.
Oh, Stuart's a lot better! (talking like a baby) Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother. 
(Correcting herself) Maestro!
What is that?
It's Elaine.
(Folding up the check) Ok, I'll leave you two alone.
I dunno. 
yeah, yeah 
Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it a violation of club policy to not wipe down a machine after using it?
Can I offer you anything to drink?
It's great to... talk about... other people...
(surprised) George!
Jerry?
(quiet vehemence) Oh. No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long. (to the screen) Quit telling your stupid story, about the stupid desert, and just die already! (louder) Die!!
Hey, I was in a shvitz for 6 hours. Give me a break.
Actually, you know I think I did. The first time I couldn't really cons...[Monica closes the window]...entrate.
Open your vault.
Uh, his name, um, I don't  - I don't even know, all right you want to know his name? I'll - I'll tell you his name. His name is . . . Kramer.
Oh, he's this guy who made these terrible movies in the 70's with these kinds of women. He's obsessed. He's obsessed with breasts. That's hard to say.
Come on!
Jerry.
Muchos gracias. (Turns back to Jerry and Kramer.) O.K., I got the whole scoop. Marcelino flew the bird in from Ecuador. He's 68 and 0!
So, George, I still don't understand - how was that a setup? 
You ditched the fur?
Hi.
(In the door way) Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties (Jerry pauses right before sitting in his chair) and they're - all laid out for me. (Leaves, smiling to herself. Jerry and George both look at each other, frozen in their places)
I guess. 
Yeah, well, at least he had a drain.
All I've got is grape juice.
Yeah.
Hi. You know, Kramer gave me the armoire and it is so beautiful. I'm mean, I just can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
(shouts) I hate it!!
(To bookie) Hey, how'd my horse do?
You have no choice.
Oh, I'm - I'm really uncomfortable talking about this.
Um... Well, there's not really much more to tell. He was looking for waitresses, and I went in to apply for the job. And, he looked me up and down and he rejected me.
Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
(feeling her arm) Wendy, I injured my shoulder, Wednesday, when you dropped me off and I had to carry my skis, and my boots, and my poles and everything, all the way home. I'm, I'm having trouble lifting my arm. Do you think you could give me some treatment?
You know, that button looks very familiar.
You're gonna wear this all the time?
What d'you think is the matter? I've been assigned to work on Kramer's coffee table book. 
Hey, What are you doing out here?
No. A general guy.
All right. (they start to leave except Jerry)
(shouts) Oh, go to hell!!
Um, what was that last thing you gave me? That was pretty good.
What?
Oh, it stinks.
(shocked) Insurance? You're charging me?
I, I think that's my button. (wanders over to Haarwood) You know, I've been looking all over for it. Did, did you find it here?
Give me forty, you'll never see me again.
Aah!
Hi.
Somebody put a cane on my foot. Just like the one I'm going to put up your...
What? No, it's not a big deal.
Hello.
'One bright note in today's market, was the stock of retailer J Peterman, whose founder's surprise return generated a rise of twelve and a half points.'
(grabbing her bag and coat) Great. I'll wait for you outside.
Very near. 
(to Jerry) So, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna live here, or are you gonna move out, or what?
Oh, oh no, no no no, I can't do that.
And they're gonna look great in your apartment, George.
Reggie's? I can't eat anything there.
Shall I undo it?
Uhmmm huh! Is it important.?
Stop _ the _ fight!
Hey guys...
I don't think so. 
No, we just met...
(downcast) Yeah.
The only way I could talk him out of it was that I agreed to go and visit the Tunisian desert.
No, I can't.
There's no 'Big Salad.'
Oh, thank you.
Let me ask you something. ahemm..Do you know when the Nicole Millers are coming in from Milan?.
I just ran in to Monica. You know what my IQ is? 151.
You are really lucky Newman never mailed that letter.
Hmmm, I don't think so.
Oh, huh huh, that is a good idea. C'mon George.
Oh, no, I-I don't think so.
Why? Why did you get into a fist fight with the cop? You were innocent!
(sharp) What, are you sticking it to me?
That's where they filmed the movie. It's supposed to inspire me.
Okay, okay.  Yeah I'll have Kramer give you a call.
Hey, you guys, listen to this. Listen to this. (reading from the newspaper) Apparently some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube causing his cholesterol count to be 150 points higher than was initially reported. Ironically, the mishap by bringing the non-fat yogurt scandal to the attention of the public, probably clinched the election for the Republican. It was the one issue which seemed to electrify the voters and swept Giuliani into office.
He's not my boyfriend. 
Cinnamon babka.
All right. Let's go, to Reggie's.
I thought that was pretty good, huh?
Oh. (giggly) Tickle, tickle.
Yeah, yeah, thanks.
Hey, that's my bike! Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the Schwinn for all he's worth. He rings the bell.
Well do you have any in a... size four.?
Yeah..heheah (laughing a bit)
What is this?
Wall street.
(pointedly) And you know, you might wanna do something about that hair.
Oh, I don't think you'll have any trouble gettin' a table.
So, how long are you gonna be in here for?
I think you're sticking it to me.
I have to live in a cave.
Can I have a zip? (Sticks a straw out from keyhole.)
I wonder what actually happened in that lab.
Ahh ... wait till you hear this.
This is my bike!
(sarcastically) Oh! yeah I'll make sure he gets the message. (looks at the sleeping Craig and thinks) They make wigs out of human hair? (still thinking, Ethan's voice) And pay plenty for them.
Do you smell something?
He is filing a chapter eleven. Why, what's going on, why is he filing a chapter eleven?
Here, here's your cake. (just about tosses it at the woman)
So Simon picks this woman up, right in front of me.
And he happens to be pretty good lookin'.
Huh, I think it's a little old-fashioned. Don't you? (to receptionist) Uh, tell her.
Oh, well come on. You want to go grab a bite to eat?
(sighs) So 10 to 14 months.
(leaning forward and accusing) Stickin' it!
Well first we're going to a matin&eacute;e, I'm taking the afternoon off, we're gonna go see 'My Fair Lady' and they we are gonna go to dinner. He knows all these fantastic places.
(chasing Newman) No, you better gimme back that bike. Newman, gimme...
No, Chinese.
What do you mean, I thought it was the sweater.
excuse me, do you have a tissue? 
See ya'.
What, are you in a bad mood?
And... he's hilarious.
Really?
Why not?
See, this is good. This is the way it should be. You know why are we fooling ourselves. We belong together.
Arghhh, look it's a fire! (cough)
Ohhh! Golden Boy?
(already out from behind her desk goes to Aaron) Hi
I staked out his health club.
I have to go to the bathroom too (runs to be ahead of Jane; Jane stops and looks back at Jerry; Jerry shugs) 
Ah nuts!
I'm sorry. (pats him on the arm)
Calm down Brett, okay. You could have a concussion. Calm down. (holds Brett's head and sings) 'Desperado, mmm-mm-mmm. You better...'
The CABIN is on fire!
Uh-m, uh I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we are going to the, Poconos on Friday, right honey? (pointing to Jerrythe boyfriend?)
something.. wrong? 
How 'bout a Big Salad?
So, were your parents shocked to see the Cadillac?
(Reading an invitation) India? Tst, Yeah, right. (Sarcastic) I'm goin' to India..
Oh, Great.
How could this have happened?
We are... that means that we ah, we are...
I can't, I don't have it, I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square 
(to George) Ya see?
Hmm.
I mean, you know, I've never been so insulted in my entire life. There's something really wrong with this man. He is a Soup Nazi. What? What is that?
(Catching another glimpse of Roy eating) Hunh, Please can we go to the Poconos?
You know I'm a little hungry. You wouldn't happen to have any of that mango left?
that's right honey, and I know you! 
Mind? Oh o-of course not.
It's a salad, only bigger, with lots of stuff in it.
It's been a rough couple of weeks, ya know I really needed to get away.
(mouths) 'Scuse me. Have to go (audible) look for some socks.
Let me see this. [gasps] You know what this is? This is a recipe for soup, and look at this. There are like thirty different recipes. These are his recipes!
here, take it 
Could you put it in a big bowl?
You're right Maestro.
(somewhat annoyed) I really don't know Mr. Seinfeld
So? So, his secret's out. Don't you see? I could give these to every restaurant in town. I could have 'em published! I could - I could drop fliers from a plane above the city.
(wakes up and yells very loud) STELLA!
All right. Just give me a cup of decaf.
What do you care?
Five days? You want me to stay here for five more days?
Get out of my way, Jerry.
(discouraged) Five days. Here.
Don't make me hurt you, Jerry.
It depends on who's going. (to George) Are you going?
(dread) No, no, no, no, no.
Excuse me?
(cheering up) Ah, right! Aw, this is shaping up.
Oh, sure.
(uncomfortable) Ooh.
(Turning around and leaving with Pinter) Hey, let's go someplace else, Okay, Peter?
Well I don't want to go if Jerry's not going.
(annoyed) Aww, nuts!
So, Simon is definitely going back now. He's meeting me here to return my keys.
Yes. He's one of those bounders.
AHhh. Thank you.
Ah (hu ha - small laugh)
(to Jerry) Five more days?
Hello.
I don't want soup. I can make my own soup. ' 5 cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds celery.'
Yeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold cucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny.
When are you leaving?
You're through Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!
(turns towards the lunch counter) Hey Kenny. You still want to get that suit back?
There it goes. (pointing at Simon walking out the door)
N-I know they're your parents Jerry an' they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a thirty-five year old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean don't you find that abnormal?
I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it?
See, See, I can't even say anything you know because all he's really doing is being nice but but know body is this nice, this is like certifiably nice.
Yes, he's insane, that's what I think.
I don't know, I don't know what to do. (sighs) Oh god.... so how was the movie?
Ya what do you mean from what you saw?
Yea why not?
(thinks for a second) You were making, out during Schindler's List?
During Schindler's List?
Did anybody see you? Did anyone say anything?
Oh.
Good-bye
Nice to see..
Bye.
Aaron? Aaron are you ok?
You did enough.
Why?
Aahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at the table) Get Out! How did it happen?
Oohh, boy. They could use a vacation.
(sighs) So how about that Aaron?
You know what drove me crazy about him? Did you ever notice that he stood too close to you when he talked?
