I had to say something. (chuckles) I had to say something. Everything was going so well. I had to say something.
She can't kill me right?
(excited) So then, as we were leaving, we were just kind of standing there, and she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasn't sure if she wanted me to ask her out, because when women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something and I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back, I don't know what to do. So I just stood there like ' remember how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy line? That's what I looked like.
Say it's Saturday night in Spain. They go out dancing. You think they do the flamenco?
' That guy was amazing, he could dunk and he was my height...What was his name again?'
Jerry it's funny, Paula and I actually met because of Elaine. 
Take toilet paper for example. Do you realize that toilet paper has not changed in my lifetime? It's just paper on a cardboard roll, that's it. And in ten thousand years, it will still be exactly the same because really, what else can they do?
Well, you got no place to go. I'll tell you what your problem is: You brought your queen out too fast. What do you think? She's one of these feminists looking to get out of the house? No, the queen is old fashioned. . Likes to stay home. Cook. Take care of her man. Make sure he feels good.
And then I hear this rabbi on television, I mean imagine.
All right. So, what theatre you wanna go to tonight? We got 61st and 3rd or 84th and Broadway.
Let me ask you a question. Who would win in a fight between you and me?
You think she's happy?
(joyful) June. It's June.
I believe the doors on the bathroom stalls, here at the stadium, don't offer much by way of privacy. But I was thinking if we extend the doors all the way to the floors......
Well... it's a magnificent stone.
You want me to find a poem about Susan? May she rest in peace?!
Dollar Eighty-Nine. Why is this a dollar eighty-nine? Why is there no haggling in this country?</font>
Say you, me, and Kramer are, uh, flying over the Andes.
Jerry! (Slams the door) Georgie's moving out!
Oh, boy I was up to four in the morning watching the Omen trilogy.
So, Marcy, you should've seen me in the hot tub yoday.
What is Holland?
(Shocked) She's pregnant? Leslie is pregnant?! Oh, see, there is no justice.
So, Elaine, are you going to sleep with me or what?!
When are they gonna have the flying cars, already? 
(clears throat) Maura, I, uh- I want you to know... I-I've given this a lot of thought. I'm sorry, but... we, uh, we have to break up.
When are they gonna learn that any news about China is an instant page-turner? (seeing Jerry with a small black device) What's that?
I read somewhere that this Brentano's is the place to meet girls in New York.
Man, I'm starving.
She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don't nice.
Where'd you meet her?
...pianist. A *classical* pianist. She *plays* the piano. She's a *brilliant* woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the *Waldstein Sonata*! The *Waldstein*!
Why even try anymore? There's no sense to it. I'm never gonna meet anybody, I should just accept it.
It's all departures. I see nothing but departures. (to the woman beside him) Do you know where the arrivals are?
Kramer was on Murphy Brown?
He's on the lamb(?), he's on the loose!
What did they do for toilet paper in the civil war?
I loved her Jerry, I loved her.
So you're a lawyer. What kind of cases do you handle?
Wait a second, wait a second...and then the butler says, 'I'm not cleanin' it up! I'm sick of cleaning!'
Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?
You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?
Hey, is it my imagination, or do really good looking women walk a lot faster than everybody else?
I can't believe this.
Can I say one word to you? Lobster. The lobster here is unbelievable. (looks at the menu) Ooh, a little expensive. 
It's just not good, it's not good.
O.K., Danny, take a swing. (Tartabull swings the bat.) N-No! No! No! You're opening up your shoulder.
Well I am actually going to have a secretary and I get to do the interview.
Are you through? 
I never heard him say anything really funny.
This catalog is all about how to score in a foreign country.
Yeah, I better grab some too.
That took awhile.
How? Cause I'm an Idiot.
(high-fiving) Hey!
That's it. This is it. I'm done. Through. It's over. I'm gone. Finished. Over. I will never work for you again. Look at you. (laughing) You think you're an important man? Is that what you think? You are a laughingstock. You are a joke. These people are laughing at you. You're nothing! You have no brains, no ability, nothing! (knocking object over on desk) I quit! 
Sorry, the players will be reimbursed?
Fine.
I got to give the players most of the credit for that.
I've had my difficulties.
(knocking on the counter and feigning a muffled, Chinese voice) Chinese food!
Cops. I don't even care about cops. I wanna see more garbage men. It's much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men. You're never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean.
What happened to your voice?
One left...what a joke.
 Because my cousin's imbecile dog was rolling around outside and they got in his carpet.
Was the alarm on?
Like you do.
We did a crossword puzzle together, *in bed*. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? in my *life*! Y'know?
Me? It wasn't me I never even saw the ball. All you do is dribble.
I know who it was too. It was the guy who interviewed me. He was very threatened by me. Why else wouldn't he hire me? I could sell latex like that (snaps fingers).
Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?
No. We're supposed to tell him tonight.
We're not dead.
Because of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to live because of me? I'm nothing!
Karen.
Fantastic!
Well a lot of people consider me small and prestigious. 
Is there ever a good time to have your parents stay with you?
I got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter than you pretty soon.
I think she finds my stupidity charming.
I don't think so, Vic. I've done my homework. '89 Volvo, that's the car for me, it's the one I want.
 No thanks.
Gary? Well, well, well well. Where the hell've you been? I've been leaving you phone messages for months.
I told her I liked her. Why? Why did I tell her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel. I like you I don't tell you.
People break up all the time.
No, I froze.
So you could call a woman for a date, ask her if she's free for Dinner and a flamenco?
'Jimmy, right.'
..And I went down there one time to see... 
And everything else has changed. But toilet paper is exactly the same, and will be so until we're dead.
I don't think we should see each other any more.
Ya know, I was just a little surprised.
Well if you and I ever got into, like a really serious fight you know, and the punches started flying -- who do you think would win?
(indicates with his head) The cashier.
It's June. Mark's Michelle is a dog.
It's a calzone, sir.
It's just a magnificent stone. (turns to Jerry) Jerry?
I like, uh...(mutters something unintelligible under his breath.)
Yeah, so what?
Not me. Everything should be negotiable. (he picks up a container of fruit)</font>
We got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway, the plane crashes. Who are you gonna eat to survive?
I'm out! Fantastic apartment right across from mine, huh. I can't wait for you to see it.
(through a mouthful of shrimp) Well, why don't we just put a monitor in his skybox?
I can't to myself. I'm exhausted.
I was naked.
Yeah. No problem.
No, that's the Netherlands.
(Sarcastic) Yeah, performance artist. She's a real performer. A real trooper.
(Angered) Fine. I'll ask you again when you're rested.
Years. When we were kids, they made it seem like it was right around the corner. 
(double takes) What's that?
How much was it?
Because ballpark food doesn't count as real food.
Why do I get pesto? Why do I think I'll like it? I keep trying to like it, like I have to like it.
What if it rains?
Why is nice bad? What kind a of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad?
On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator?
No, I won't.
Are you sure?
What are we supposed to do? What do you do on a situation like this? Should we call a lawyer, should we call the police?
I wonder what toilet paper was loike in the 1860's. Did they carry it in rolls in their duffle bags?
And she loved me. Hoo, ho, she really did.
What is that, immigrants come over, you show them how to act natural?
I'll tell you something, I've never seen a pilot script as funny as this!
Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English.
(laughs-hu) So when're you gonna see her?
No seriously...
How can I do this? How can I move back in with those people? Please, tell me. They're insane. You know that.
Where's the sunblock? 
Yes, well, you know, I'm not thinking about the price. You know you're the only woman I've never thought about the price. Get the lobster. I beg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster. 
I'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring, we're both boring. We got out to eat, we both read newspapers.
No, not really. I'm just saying this to you because I like to hear myself talk. Yes, really!
And ah, I'll have the bacon club without the turkey. (raises eyebrows)
Yeah, and now someone's going to be taking messages for me.
Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I don't actually recall considering the buttons.
You would think that, but either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not. It's not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.
Where were you?
Not that much.
You sure?
I'd like to help, but my neck..
I was going to, but then I found out that the auto club has this free locksmith service, so I signed up.  Just waiting for the membership to kick in.
You know how hot it gets there? Like 150 degrees. Your skin is gonna be simmering with boils.
June, June, June.
Sorry, Mr Wilhelm.
I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.
No, I don't know who was doing that.
Mr. Thomassoulo during times of great stress, people are capable of super human strength. Have you ever seen the Incredible Hulk, sir?
Who was it?
Well, Jerry, I been thinkin'. I've gotten as far as I can go with George Costanza.
No, that's not enough BTUs for my living room...That was a complete waste of time.
 That's not funny.  So, are you coming to the party?
I don't understand, how do these thieves start the car?
What do you think? The brought it over in pieces and screwed it together like a coffee table?
I was telling you about Noel.
Oh I'm a chucker.
Who is this? (sees photo)
Where?
Susan wants me to be there.
Come on. We got all day tomorrow to come up with a story.
No, they're not funny at all. No, I have no funny friends. I'm the funny one. El Clowno.
You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!
Great.
Good.
I enjoy understanding. 
When are they leaving for Paris?
Nah, I don't like that one.
Yeah, anyway, she's uh, having some kind of a family lunch, I'll swing by after.
N.I. Not interested.
 I'm telling you, skip the Drake's wedding, go to the game.
Busy. Don't give me busy. Who's not busy? I'm busy, we're all busy, everybody's busy. All right, tell me, what's kept you so busy?
I'm outta the picture. I am outta the picture. (laughs) It's only a matter of time now.
It just didn't work out. What can I do? I wanted to love her. I tried to love her. I couldn't.
Oh yeah. So wait, wait. A half-hour later I'm back in the office, I tell Lloyd the whole story. He says, 'So why don't you call her?' I says, 'I can't.' I couldn't, I couldn't do it right then. For me to ask a woman out I gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks. So Lloyd calls me a wuss.
Boy, I wish the flamenco was popular here.
'Ah! your just mad 'cause we beat ya.'
If Elaine wanted to get some coffee. 
It's just paper on a roll, that's it. And that's all it will ever be.
What about all the loser stuff?
Yeah. Me too.
So how long has it been in the basement?
(surprised) You know her name?
(to passerby) Hey, he-hah. It's June, June.
Uh. Cheese, pepperoni, eggplant.
What?
(mutters it again)
They refuse to put cucumber in the salad. I need cucumber.
Absolutely. You're telling me there's no room to move on pasta. All starches are a scam.</font>
So fast? What about me?
(Definite) Oh yeah.
(angry, to himself) The ocean called. Running outta shrimp. Outta shrimp! (a thought occurs) Oh! Yes! That's what I shoulda said! (frustrated shout) Dammit!
Not with that big glass window looking out into the hall. I'd love a good nap. That's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning. I'll see ya'.
Woah, I gotta watch this guy's bag.
Then who are the Dutch?
Yeah, I hope so. For your sake!
She ate breakfast naked?
No. That's just electric. 
(puzzled) W-we're not?
Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?
I'm gonna hit the head.
Everybody likes pesto. You walk into a restaurant, that's all you hear - pesto, pesto, pesto.
What, a 'little' cologne.
You got less than sixty seconds. That's like dismantling a time bomb. What got into you?
9:45
I mean it's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like.
Murphy Brown, the TV show.
Hope he's not the guy.
What?
What am I going to do now? I can't live without Susan. I gotta get her back. How? How, am I gonna get her back?
I mean, how funny is this?
A mute would be good.
What's her name?
The better looking they are, the faster they go! I mean, I see they out there on the street, they're zooming around, like a blur. Like they have a motor on their ass.
How can you compare you parents to my parents?!
So, what's wrong with him?
25? You don't have anything higher? 
We do? 
No. Lunch we read, dinner we read.
What are all sweatin' for?
Why, you think you can, beat me up?
(on an imaginary microphone) Uh, no, not at this time.
I don't know. But he ain't funny.
Well you know, if you were sitting right next to her you'd have to console her no matter what.
I don't see how I could perform sexually in a situation after something like that. I was completely emasculated. Anyway, it's not the only reason.
My code?
I don't know, about three days.
It's Juu-uu-une! Hey hay. Yes.
I know, sir. It won't happen again.
(mildly embarrassed) yeah.. Thank you.
I'm wearin' a little hat, I'm jumpin' through fire.. They're puttin' their little alien heads in my mouth..
They had a pastry cart you wouldn't believe.
How about the old Spider Man live action show?
All right, Dad, we're five blocks from the house. Sit sideways.
What about your old car? They couldn't get Kramer's blood out of it?
Does that mean I have to go too?
The nickname. George. What is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up.
Any money in it?
 You know Ava's gonna be there.
Cross the wires? I can't even make a pot of spaghetti.
Why did France give that to us anyway?
[sarcastically] Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly funny...
It's George.
I can't believe you called me a chucker. No way I'm a chucker, I do not chuck, never chucked, never have chucked, never will chuck, no chuck!
THIS is your daughter? My God! My God! I I hope you don't mind my saying. She is breathtaking.
But you have a watch on.
(Reluctantly) Yeah.
So we'll do it tomorrow.
I'm bad. I'm *bad*!
(to the guy next to him) This guy stinks. (speaking of Michael)
I think so.
Very good.
What about her place?
'Breakfast At Tiffany's.' 90 pages. (Waves a hand like it's nothing.)
Yeah, I'll zip in, 'How do you do?', zip out. She'll love me.
Jon Voight?
Sure. I could go the tomato route. But eh, I've given this a lot of thought Jerry. All that frustration. I'll never get any work done. So I'm doing a complete 360. I'm going for total efficiency and ability.
 Well who schedules his wedding on Super Bowl Sunday?
Oh, no. No no no no.
I kept looking at her face. I'd go, 'C'mon, love her. Love her!'
Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it.
Yes, I think I would.
'HEY! JIMMY!!! ha ha ha........Great game.'
Are you through? 
You find this interesting, don't you?
Yeah, when the season starts. Right now, I sit around pretending that I'm busy.
All right, shmoopies...what's it gonna be? Pick a theater.
What's in it?
I don't think I've ever spoken to her.
Hey, yeah. My parents want to come too, is that ok?
I love Juu-uuu-uu-uune!
No, I-I-I-I'm good. Really.
Ahh, Excuse me, how much is this?</font>
Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy.
You know what? it's better than Elaine's, too. I gotta give her a call. (Moves tward the phone)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, I said to him, 'Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called, and they're running outta you.'
So?
I'm sure he'll be back in a second.
I know, I hate it too. I feel like an out of work porn star.
You can stuff you sorries in a sack, mister!
I've had bedroom naked, I've had walk-to-the-bathroom naked... I have never had living-room naked.
(Sarcastically) What's the competition, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? 
I think this is him right here.
All right (he smiles weakly at Maura)
I got a message from the Rosses at work today.
Where was pesto 10 years ago?
Monica wants me to wear it.
Hey! what are listening to?
Wow. What'd you say?
Why not?
No. Why must it be so difficult? Why is there all this tension and hostility? Why can't I just walk up to a woman on the street and say, 'Hi. I'm
Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son of a gun!
God, I'm starved, I'm weak from hunger.
All right, so what did they do?
Who says?
I mean, we're not stupid, right? We know when something's funny!
This is what my life has come to... Tryin to meet a mute.
How could you not know her name?
My father wears his sneakers in the pool! Sneakers!
Well, I'm sure you'll find something.
I need higher. This has paba in it, I need paba-free. 
Wha... you're going? 
Why? 
Ya
Hot? (Feels Tartabull's material.) What is this?
Huh, nggh [snort] Stop. (flirting with her he playfully hits her arm with the menu, then flicks it into the air)
I'll tell you when it happened. When that floss came flying out of my pocket.
When you're talking about a movie like 'Beaches', moving from the chair to the couch , . . . that's quite a voyage.
All right. You wanna know what one of her favorite expressions is? Happy, Pappy?
(Gets up to leave) Well, scintillating as always.
No. No way.
June. Juune, baby!
Jerry...
Yes!
But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with me to uh.. you know, get me to mate.
I don't understand.
What is that?
Fragile Frankie Merman? I never liked that guy.
Hey, shut up.
Oh, yeah. Still in good with the ground crew. (Laghs)
But I was thinking...T-bone.
Those nachos are killing me.
Of course, right.
 The nice one that works in my office.
So countries just exchange gifts like that?
What, you think I'm going to repeat the whole thing now?
Ah, would you take this picture away from me. Take it away and get it outta here. Let me just sign this and go.
Why don't you just look at your watch?
(bursting out of the bathroom, fumbling with his fly) Button fly! Why do they put buttons on a fly? It takes ten minutes to get these things open!
I didn't burn it down - Kramer did!
About six years ago.
Excuse me, do you have a ticket?
So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She threatened to kill herself.
I dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's a void, Jerry, there's a void...
I can't tell anymore.
I want you to have this job. Of course... 
Really? (Jerry shakes his head) Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.
They wanted to read a Truman Capote book.
Y'know, I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters.
Whatever.
 Lemme see.  I can't believe you got these for free. (Looking at the tickets)  Row F?!
Are, are you sure this is decaf? Where's the orange indicator?
Oh, I had no choice. She squeezed it out of me! She'd tell me she loved me. All right, at first, I just look at her. I'd go, 'Oh, really? Or uh, Boy, that's, that's something.' But, eventually you have to come back with, 'Well, I love you.' You know, you can only hold out for so long.'
Right. And, and to cover my nervousness I started eating an apple, because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it makes you sound casual.
'Hey you know , I felt we had like a synergy out there,you know, like we were really helping each other.'
So Anyway, I started to compliment Elaine on her sketches and it turns out,they're Paula's. 
I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. Think about it... (acts annoyed for 3 seconds).
late June.
I still don't understand this. Abby has a mentor?
I'll give you a quarter.</font>
Well I would eat you.
(Stops) Oh right, the blind date.
(confessing) Well, actually, I thought it up on the way over here.
You said you grabbed it outta there real fast, right?
Really? What happened?
Excuse me sir. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute?
She is a good waitress.
Well why didn't we?
It's like you're livin' in the Playboy Mansion! Did she, uh, did she frolic?
The government is very touchy about us being in the air. Let us run around on the ground as much as we want. Anything in the air is a big production. 
She said no.
At the funeral, give or take. You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.
You should see what my father used to go through before he bought a car. He'd go from state to state. He was away for weeks at a time. It was like he was running for President and he was going through the primaries. We'd get phone calls from motels in New Hampshire.
I'm too nice.
Oh! you taped it?
Wow.
What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman, very encouraging. The biggest loser in history of American literature.
With Candace Bergen!
Time like what? I'm hungry. My stomach doesn't know that Kramer's wanted.
Well I think it would be nice if there was some kind of historical record of it.
Ah, ...A beautiful successful intelligent woman's in love with me and I throw it all away. uh oh boy. Now I'll spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment watching basketball games, eating Chinese take out. Walking around with no underwear. Because I'm too lazy to do a laundry.
Okay. Hey, you know what, maybe I should give it to my therapist to read. She's smart, I trust her.
I gotta buy a present now?
(Showing Jerry up) Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee.. never went 'Ha!'
Yes, I have a problem with paba. 
There's nothing to talk about.
This uniform, what's it made from?
Wow, is she not terrific?
(from the intercom) Yeah.
We were in the lobby during the intermission of the play. I was buying her one of those containers of orange drink, for five dollars. I reached into my pocket to pay for it, I looked down; there's this piece of green floss hanging from my fingers.
Pardon?
Look at that. They got lobster on the menu. Who would order a lobster here. I mean, do they bring a lobster in everyday hoping *todays* the day.
Like if she wants to know if I'm pleased with something, she'll say, 'Happy, Pappy?'
I'm going shopping with Susan.
Your wake up guy asked you out?
Hey.
It says very clearly, 'for your protection, do not give your secret code to anyone.'
Are the courses open?
The catering hall screwed up. The wedding is delayed until June. It's like a stay of execution.
(to Susan's stone) ...And then, right after the All-Star Break, we, we just swept the Orioles. Four games. In Baltimore. (adjusts necktie nervously) So... yeah.
He did it right as he said 'her unfortunate accident.'
W--then I'm pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take a ride on a spaceship.
Let me see that. (Studies the note)
So, she went out with you on a first date.. and it was her birthday?
Where are you going?
Clearer
Are you supposed to yell it?
Every summer you guys went to camp together. I was jealous. Felt like he was the summer me.
I don't want to talk about it.
There's no G-bone.
It's complicated.
Tommy C.
 I'll drive.
There's Elaine.
No everything is *not* going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. *Once* in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand at all. She has the hand; I have *no* hand...
All these years I've been chuckin' and you've never told me?
Okay, Okay. Who do you think you're talking to? What are ya'... you trying to make a joke, because it's not funny. I can tell you that.
Let me see the watch.
(incredulous) What?
Yeah, I know what happened.
Women like skiers.
Okay. Good.
Oh, ok. Thank you. It was good talking to you.
Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable?
There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?
Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public school back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the Lincoln Savings Bank.
Feel? What's that?
That's it. 
Wha? Did you use those? These are guest soaps! (he grabs the soaps and begins examining them for damage) 
Um, you know I'm starting to think that maybe lobster isn't the way to go. 
What?
Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?
He's a great writer.
Well, if I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I'd really have something goin'.
 Howbout Kramer or Elaine, they don't want them?
And I didn't even ask her out. She asked me out first. She called me up. What was I supposed to do? Say no? (laughs) I can't do that to someone.
Right. So I call her up, I tell her it's me, she gives me an enthusiastic 'Hi!'
What for?
Oh! Dropped a napkin...(Whispers) Jerry! 
Hey.
Hey. I gotta go.
I know someone who'll do it. She's good. She's honest.
He..hmmm. humm...What about this one.
Boy, that was awkward!
Is there any money involved?
I still don't see why you wouldn't eat me. I'm your best friend.
Come on. Come check out my new place. It'll take you two minutes.
No. No it's not. You don't know this guy. It woulda been so sweet.
So I'm sure whatever germs it landed on were knocked out, and by the time the rest of them realised what was going on, you had already grabbed it out.
You're going to the Tony's?
What if we grew muttonchops?
That woman was unequivocally the worst date of my life.
(seeing Elaine and Puddy come into Monk's) Yeah. Hey, Lainie, Puddy.
I'm gonna get some more of these kosher cocktail franks.. (leaves)
And the underwater bubble cities? 
What could I do?! We fooled around and went to a movie!
Well, I know when I'm a little strapped, I sometimes drop off my rent check having forgotten to sign it. That could buy us some time.
That's a tough minute. It's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work.
Well at least you accomplished something. You got fish.
She wants me to take an IQ test.
Hey! Did 'ya ever do that thing on the toes that I said .
What did she say?
How do I get the hand?
I've always liked her. Remember her in 'Carnal Knowledge'?
I couldn't have breakfast, it was lunchtime! The three hour time difference threw me. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich, they wouldn't serve me tuna fish sandwich, because they were only serving breakfast.
(Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught me. 
Yeah, what do you do when you run out of laundry?
Hey, you know, we haven't brought the Elaine character into the show yet. Umm, We should try and get her into this scene.
I got two tickets to see 'Guys And Dolls'.
It never ends, this present stuff! Engagement present! Then they get married, you gonna have to get them something for that! Then the baby, there's another present. Then the baby starts getting their presents. I don't even like Drake.
Uh, excuse me. (stopping them from rehearsing) Excuse me. (he walks to the guy's in charge of yelling: 'take #!') This--This is not right. May I? (the guy looks at George with a bothered face. George then walks up to Tom and takes him away from Jerry and Michael to talk to him in private)(to Tom) You see, you're going: 'They fooled *me* Jerry!' (George shakes his head with disapproval) You wanna hit 'fooled' more: 'They *fooled* me Jerry!'. You see the difference?
Maybe!.. And I'm moving back in there!
I know enough to stay away from it. 
Well at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about.
No. This is not cotton. Here, lemme see. (Tries to look at the tag on the uniform. Tartabull gets creeped out and resists.) Will you stop it? (Looks at the tag.) Oh. Of course. Polyester!
You think she thinks I have a beautiful face, or is she just saying that?
Of course. So, I'm looking at it. I look up, I see she's looking at it. Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment. I just..
You know, I think we really need to be in front of a television set. You take T.V. out of this relationship, it is *just* torture.
I'm 'Pappy'.
Clothes shopping.
I know what I'm doin'. In fact Mr. Wilhelm gave me one of those little stress dolls. All right. (gets up) Back to work. (acts annoyed and leaves)
Why does everything have to be 'us'? Is there no 'me' left? Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?
Ah-Ha! (he turns and walks over to the refrigerator)
Huh, No kidding?
(urgent whisper) Elaine! You have got to get me Marisa Tomei's phone number!
(pointing to Jerry in joyous agreement) Ha-ha-hah. This is my lucky day.
Jerry, a throat-clear is a non-verbal implication of doubt - he thinks I killed Susan!
Kramer, trust me, this is the best bathroom in midtown!
Thirty.</font>
Is she socially awkward?
Is 'yada yada' bad?
Why not? Pay is good. I got dental, private access to one of the great handicapped toilets in the city.
What happened to the screen door? It blew off again?
I made him up.
I don't know, I have to call her, tell her where we are. I'm very lucky she's even considering seeing me at all.
That's a myth.
 It's supposed to be a good party.
Really? They work here in the office?
Yeah, right.
It's one think to not give me the extension But to tease and to torture me like this. There's no call for that.
You know we're living in a society!
Nothing.
(Getting frustrated) I know.
Yeah. Right.
Yeah.
Yeah, You remember the, the little eh, bank book, there?
Yeah.
He never finished the sentence. He got a call, that was the end of the interview. 
Now my parents are gonna know I had people over. 
This week. My father got a deal from a friend of his. It's Gore-Tex. You know about Gore-Tex?
Hey by the way my parents really want to have your parents over dinner before they leave town.
Did you ever read anything by him?
Yeah.
 Wish I could help you.
How come you're not doin' the second show tomorrow?
I am. I'm a nice guy. And she seduced me! We were in my apartment, I'm sitting on the couch, she's on the chair. I get up to go to the bathroom, I come back, she's on the couch. What am I supposed to do? Not do anything? I couldn't do that. I would've insulted her.
Oh, I don't get the enthusiastic hi, I'm outta there.
So, what, no lunch?
What are you doing?...She had those nuts in her mouth, she just spit them out. 
Really?
Students can't clean. It's anathema. (explaining) They don't like it.
This car out there is taking up, like, three parking spaces.
What were you saying to the Rosses over there, anyway?
(Still holding the note) I think I'm having a heart attack.
So what's in it for the mentor?
Thank you.
(Gloating) Hey, you got any extra furniture down there? I need some more stuff to fill that extra bedroom with the walk-in closet. (Smiles)
Right.
Was she mad?
Yeah. I did some shopping. Some new clothes shopping. (turns to a man) Can I borrow your menu?
Why didn't you ask me? I know a million theater jokes. 'What's the deal with those guys down in the pit?'
Buzz cuts? Parachute pants!
What, you don't think I can attract beautiful, intelligent women?
Well, I don't really like her.
Or we don't even send the check and then when they call, we pretend we're the cleaning service. Heh heh. 'Hello? I sorry, no here Kruger.'
Who?
Fish. What do they do?
No, she's taking this course in education for her masters. It's part of her research project, so I have to be a guinea pig.
Yeah! like the big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot.
Lesbian wedding. How do they work bride and groom out, what do they flip a coin?
She's playing a recital this week at the McBierney School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go...
Did she show her breasts in that?
For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch?
You know. (All three give him blank stares) I was alone.. 
Who am I going to meet who is better than her? No one, Jerry. No one's better than her.
Right
Hate the Drake.
Just a suggestion. (chuckles and walks back to the yelling guy)
No, no, no, no. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.
So are you going to Todd's party this weekend? 
She knows there is nothing to talk about.
I can't believe you're not playing in cotton.
'George, don't make me get tough with you.' Whu, hu, hu, hu huuuu (raises arms) Who says that? She is really cool. What do you think? You think she likes me?
If I didn't put that floss in my pocket, I'd be crawling around her bedroom right now looking for my glasses.
'Yeah,yeah yeah yeah! I've seen these.....they sorta ..they make your legs..stronger.'
An eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye job.
Oh, come on. What, are you kidding? GEORGE: I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind there backs. Anyway, look who's talking. You just broke up with with Melanie last week because she 'shuushed you' while you were watching TV.
is coming from the bathroom to sit with his bride-to-be.]
Ross'.
Have you ever given your code to anyone?
(gesturing with flyer) With Spartacus?
Yeahhh.
Yeah. Hey, wait a second, you know, good news for you too. Susan's best friend, Hallie? Broke up with her boyfriend.
What's the difference you just read it and mail it right back. These we'll do.
What time is it?
Early! Alright! (shivers.) Cold.
Well, maybe she decided to celebrate her birthday on the Monday after the weekend.
You didn't tell her.
She is succinct.
So you're on the speed dial?
They're the ones who should be ashamed. They signed me to a one-year contract. As long as I show up for work every day, they have to pay me.
No.
And on your dates.
They were, it's kinda complicated.
Not everybody knows what the crop circles are. (to the newsstand owner) Do you know what the crop circles are?
 No, there'll be girls there.
Maybe you should call your car phone.
Who am I going to tell? My mother? Like I've got nothing better to talk about.
Give me two bucks. I'll do it for two bucks.
Jerry. Jerry.
I don't get art.
Listen, maybe we shouldn't start writing today. I got a lot on my mind.
The closet business? What's the closet business?
What paper does she write for?
Alright, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks me down. The interest has accumulated to 1,900 dollars. 1,900 dollars! They're sending me a cheque!
Cleaning
What are those?
Ya-see, how could this not have any fat? It's too good.
Maybe he was going to say 'Of course I have to check with my associates.' 
I can't have any parties while they're out of town. (he leaves to return the soaps) 
Nah.
Hey! (heads toward bathroom)
 You paying my hotel and airfare to Miami?
Hey, uh...
Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in?
I had nothing to do wtih any of this! I met all her friends, I didn't want to meet them. I kept trying to avoid it. I knew it would only get me in deeper. But they were everywhere! They kept popping up all over the place. 'This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy, this is my cousin, this is my brother, this is my father...' It's like I'm in quicksand.
So, we're talking, and I don't like to go too long before I ask them out, I wanna get it over with right away, so I just blurt out, 'What are you doing Saturday night?'
Oh. How's she doing?
I hope so. I can't take him living with me much longer. He makes this kasha, it stinks up the whole house.
I've done the march in. Best feeling in the world.
I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?
You have a car?
What is that?
(Anyway,) on the left--exquisite marble! High ceilings. An' a flush, like a jet engine! (imitates sound) Ha ha!
I'm not kidding.
Pssh. Would the prot&eacute;g&eacute; pick up stuff for the mentor?
No.
(Laughs as they leave) It's working already! (Both exit)
The guy never came back.
It's a funny observation.
(resigned) Dammit.
(Sarcastic) Maybe for her new performance piece she'll give birth on stage.
Shhh... What is wrong with you? You never tell 'em you like the car. (Advising) You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here. 
I don't find her attractive.
I had 'em, Jerry. They loved me.
A guy?
You know, I can't talk to you anymore.
Yeah. Did you do it?
What, was that not politically correct? It's a legitimate question.
Then afterwards maybe we could all go out together. Y'know she'll see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as myself. Maybe I can get some hand that way.
I can't believe I missed Kramer. You know he asked me to go with him to California.
Why didn't you say something then?
(on the answering machine) Jerry, it's George. Hey, hey are you all set for the weekend. This is going to be great. You're going to have a great time with Naomi.
(Nods) Uh-huh. 
I loved her!
Well, if it's as good as ``Ponce de Leon'', I'll be happy.
You would not believe what just happened. I was waiting for you and this woman was sitting at the counter.
I don't know, what do women say?
Start what?
(very casual and raising his hand in the air) Yep. That's five!
I don't want to! I'm outta money! I got 714 dollars left in the bank.
Gwen really wants to go. 
Oh shut up.
Hey Alec
You know they used to make leisure suits out of this fabric?
Why should she like me? Who am I? Huh, there's a million people to like.
Yes, I am.
Guys with cats... I don't know.
No, you're not a divorcee. You&yuml;re just separated. You're---you're a separatee.
What is this? Did you ever get the feeling like you've had a haircut but you didn't have one? I'm all itchy back here.
Yeah, it's her uncle's.
Superman's father on Krypton.
Pull hair, Poke eyes, Groin stuff. Whatever I gotta do. (he opens a blue bottled beverage)
Wait a second. (George gets up and heads for the statue in Kramer's hands.) I can't believe this! Let me see this.
Yeah.
Right now?
Alright see? We got something there.</font>
Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious?
Hey.
What number?
Severance package...The Yankees are giving me three months full pay for doing nothing.
Hey hey hey, check me out, huh?
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!
What time is it?
 There's a hundred different things here.  What's the difference between these two?  (They each grab a box and check the ingredients)  You got propylparabin?
Wait a minute, call the car phone, see what happens.
Really?
There's no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars.
I just got here. My car broke down on the Belt Parkway.
Well, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.
(con't) All right, you know she's got that laugh. What did you say? It's like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?
(Letting his conscious get the best of him) I wonder how Susan's father's going to react to this. Alright, what- what's the worst he could do? So you burn a cabin down..
I'm interested.
Hu-Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything...
Who's the Drake?
Yeah.
(offers his) Oh, you want to taste mine.
Did she say why? 
 So in order to use these, I gotta spend like fifteen-hundred bucks. This is a bill for fifteen-hundred dollars.  Plus, she'd ask about the sleeping arrangements, that whole sleeping arrangement conversation is depressing.
Kramer, I, I, I, uh, I need to talk to Jerry privately.
No, you didn't!
My back is killing me.
She bought.
Ah. You know, there's gotta be an easier way to open ketchups. They should make it in a tube.
What?
'Plyometric?'
Not as good. That's when you realize all the money you're losing.
I didn't know you were such a Bette Midler fan.
Isn't that why we have locks on the doors?
(through mouthful of food) So, Carrie, you and Susan are cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? So what does that make me?
(Resenting the fact. Nodding) I am aware.
So we pick up some (word missing)
(identifying it) Wrath of Khan!
You sure?
Laundry? Dry cleaning?
With me or in general?
Ah, I've had everything on the menu. Uh, surprise me.
I'm still watching them.
Hello-o-o-o Elaine!
(Again, sarcastic) Oh, what a huge blow to the culture.
I'm starving. We should have had lunch first.. 
And this is the first you're seeing of the coat?
I'd like to sleep with a LOT of other women.
I lost them. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffs and bad puns.
Yeah, and she's going to find I'm a moron. You know, people think I'm smart, but I'm not smart.
So?
What?
I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking: 'That's why I'm not heterosexual'.
With all due respect, I don't think so...
I mean it's gotten to the point where I'm flirting with operators on the phone. I almost made a date with one.
Yeah, I turned him down.
I need food, Jerry. I feel faint, I'm getting light headed.
Uh, C-R-E-S-P-I?
(con't) A-Anyway, I was thinking we would take two cars up to the cabin and that way if one of wanted to stay you know...
I would give anything to be going up those stairs again.
``Ponce de Leon''? But that was great!
Yeah, yeah, and we started talking, and she's this lawyer who's incredible! Everything I said was funny! You know, she laughed at everything I said, she thinks I'm hilarious. You know in a way, it was almost too good. I started so good, I can't go any place but down now, ya know? I got no place to go.
I don't even know what they think. That's why I'm in therapy.
*Really*.
Why are two pretending to be laughing?
Why is that?
No good? 
All right. 
(yells) Wow! Who put this cup right on the new table! 
All right, all right. KNOCK IT OFF. Come on, let's go.
I went to the beach. (Jerry and Elaine exchange looks)
Of course! Alright, maybe I'll say something to Buck.
Maybe she could like me? Is it that far fetched? Maybe she sees something? Is it possible?
No, I decided to go with an '89 LeBaron.
(to Jerry) Ready?
What? You don't like this?
No, you're not out there.
What?
(As he leaves) One would hope.
Now you're off on a topic.
Yes. Please. Please, let's go.
No. I am not giving my code to anyone for any reason.
Let me just see it.
Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?
How ya doin'?
In motion. The wheels are in motion.
Me either.
Oh, the bookstore girl. How's that goin'?
Yeah, dentist of the stars.
Wha! You know, it's a pain to change that. You gotta lift up that plastic thing with a pen.
I'm really going to do something with these three months.
Yeah, with crutches everyone has questions.
Always late. Always late.
 You got isobutane-30?
Yeah, go ahead, call.
'Off the wagon'?
You're not getting no Drake's Coffee Cake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, I'm all set. I got the ticket. I'm going to the Cayman Islands this Friday.
One mile from the exit it starts shaking, really violently shaking, like it's having a nervous breakdown. It completely stopped dead.
What for?
(on intercom) It's George.
We could build a cabin like (Snaps) that.
So you thought she was good looking and figured this would be a good way to meet her.
(Not really wanting to embellish) ..I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes.. Nobody was there - they're supposed to be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through it.. 
I gotta call her. Should I call her?
Really? Who?
Yeah, yeah.
Wow, just felt your material?
Lo..k, if you want to taste mine, you don't have to offer me some of yours.
Maybe she's diabetic. 
Hey, Al. How's it going?
Hey Joey, how you doin'?
Yeah. What are you doing with the Daily Worker?
  Oh, no no no, I haven't even seen her apartment yet.  Tomorrow night's the first night.
Kramer...
Ha.
Oh yeah, everybody's guy is the best.
Then I got off the phone right away.
Ya-hah.
Why?
(to Jimmy) Wh...Where d'you get'em?'
Gennice palying today?
A backup system? We're designing bathroom doors with our legs exposed in anticipation of the locks not working? That's not a system. That's a complete breakdown of the system.
(jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter.
A billiard parlor?
Hey! Kramer.
That was a hell of a thing when Spock died...
Wow. Nice.
Party?
Tightness..
Alright. Listen, I gotta get some reading done. You mind if I do this here? I can't concentrate in my apartment.
Nucleosis.
Eh, I can't. I gotta go down to the foundation. I'm interviewing high schoolers for the Susan Ross.. scholarship.
Ahh, Steinbrenner gave 'em to us, in honour of Phil Rizzuto being inducted into the Hall of Fame.
All right, let me ask you something: When do you start to worry about ear hair?
She dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront in Brooklin to see one of her 'performances'.
(holding a magazine cover) Mira Sorvino. Think she'd go out with me?
(While skimming a Monk's menu) You know, I didn't go to the bathroom the entire time we were in India.
Since when is Elaine's boyfriend selling cars? I thought he was a mechanic. 
What do you wanna do?
Sometimes at restaurants she talks to her food: 'Ooh, Mr. Mashed Potatoes, you are sooo goood.'
I can't just leave.
I'm not going to break a hundred on this thing.
Need to use the phone.
Oh, man, it's spinach! I've been walking around like this all afternoon.
I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.
yeah, I ... I snuck a peak. ... But it was so fast I didn't see anything. It was just a blur.
He asked me to keep it a secret.
Pay phone in L.A., look it's a miracle.
I'm unbelievable at spelling last names. Give me a last name.
Lemme tell you sum'in. When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek? ... I lost it.
Alright, forget Elaine.
Volunteer work, huh?
Oh, real good. (George makes a face like: you stink) Any word from NBC?
Oh, you're fine... you're fine. (looking at Tom in the back and then quieter to Jerry) So you think this guy playing Kramer took the raisins?
(Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna move in with him. He doesn't even let you use the toilet!
Why'd you pick Hoover? Was he that interesting to talk to? 
Because he made a big deal about how I understand everything immediately. That's what impressed him. 
But you didn't use a coaster, Jerry, you left a stain! (he runs to kitchen) 
It's not working, Jerry. It's just not working. (sits down next to Elaine)
Hey, don't embarrass me today. I got some friends in the stands. (George makes a swinging motion with an imaginary bat and pulls something in his back.)
No.
Hey, Elaine.
Oh, no. No no no no no. I'd have to advise against that. What, do you know this woman a month? Let's see, you're going to be with her seventy-two hours. That's a dating decathlon.
You're not out there! You can't be, because *I* am out there. And if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!
Jerry, I need to borrow your camera.
What?
If you're in some situation where some fast cash will save your life, I'll give you the code.
Let me just see it for a second.
Lloyd Braun? What d'you have to meet him for?
Aah, hey. (enthusiastic) If this works out, forget about it. Vacations together, movies together, dinner together. It..it's almost as good as if I didn't get married.
This friend of Susan's is staying with us for two weeks...Now am I wrong or is that excessive?
Where's Elaine?
Fantastic day! Fantastic!
I'm gonna read a book. From beginning to end. In that order.
Nah, with crutches it's a funny story, with a cane it's a sad story. You through with those?
No, he isn't.
It's the pesto of cities. So..?
I told them to meet me in front of my building at six-fifteen.
 A-ha.
I think it's 'on the wagon'.
It's an incredible deal. I don't know why you don't come with me.
No.
So do I, but I wouldn't hang it on a wall.
So, I'm uh, I'm afraid we're going to have to pass.
(Looking over the writing materials they just bought) Bics? What, d'ja get, bics?
Yeah. So what happened?
..So, one thing lead to another.. 
Whyie?
Maybe I'll go down to the track. Put it all on a horse...
I haven't even met the fiancee! Whatever! (Leaves for washroom)
Tub is love?
Sounds like a cool guy.
What for?
Maybe you said something that offended her. 
Oh I'm seeing someone, yes. You know her, Daphne Bower.
Well uh....
What Consumer? I'm the consumer.
Your boyfriend reads the Daily Worker? What is he? A communist?
 Hey, is that Tim Whatley?
Hey, you're hurting me!
Wait wait wait, what is she... (takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table) What is she like?
Please. They don't do anything. Look, do I have to break up with her in person? Can't I do it over the phone? I-I have no stomach for these things.
It's amazing. We, we both have dates on the same night. I can't remember the last time that happened.
I've seen squeeze mustard. I've never seen squeeze ketchup.
'You sell them?'
Why? What's wrong with the subject? This is a bad subject?
What's the matter with your leg?
Would I want to see what Mary Todd wore to Lincoln's funeral?
Oh my God, it's exactly the same!
Well, that's.. Elaine!
Well anyway, the, uh... the stone is up, I paid my respects, guess that's it.
(considers, but got into elevator) Won't work.
Food?
Shortness of breath..
Yeah. Steinbrenner wants everyone in the front office to give a lecture in their area of business expertise.
No, no, pff...
Nope!
(bemused) Really?
It's like puberty that never stops. Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty, you gotta be vigilent. Let me ask you this: Do you know where Walker Street is downtown? I've got a league meeting there.
God! She's cooking dinner for God! She's yelling and screaming, and the next thing I know, she throws a big can of chocolate syrup all over my new red shirt.
Well, at the Yankees it was all about smoothing things over, you know, chiseling away, grinding down. In fact we used to call it 'the grind'.
'Stanky Hanke'? What did he want?
There's an easy move: go from screwin' you behind your back to screwin' you right to your face. 
An apartment-warming gift? We got to give presents to people for moving? Birthdays, Christmas, it's enough gifts. I would like one month off.
And in bed--
You never played Vegas.
You don't listen when people talk to you anymore!
China.
I had a job interview.
What, did you go swimmin'? It's 29 degrees out!
It's my only hope.
I know. This was like a record. My previous record was when Joni Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together. Kept a lid on that for about 28 seconds.
No, I don't have any change. I never carry change.
He said what?
I don't understand. They're supposed to be casting this week. Something's wrong. Maybe they're not doing it.
Yeah, it's bizarre. (they both look around them suspiciously)
(Sincerely) Thank you.. I, uh.. that might not work out.
What about that spot I got?
Yeah I guess. What can I do? I gotta take her with me. Todd introduced us, I'm obligated. 
What do you mean?
And if I don't call... 
... You can't handle the truth! (he salutes) (imitating Jack Nicholson [a.k.a. Col. Nathan R. Jessep], from the 1992 movie A Few Good Men)
I never tasted a cough medicine I didn't love.
Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. (Elaine turns showing disagreement) Oh, maybe not academically speaking, (Elaine nods correct) I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party.
Not possible.
Coming to the airport with us?
That's exquisite. Listen, uh, if it's not too much trouble, could you pass me that paper over there?
I can't stand doing laundry. That's why I have forty pairs of underwear.
Hey, people, people, people, people, people. Not bad, huh? Excuse me.
Tuesday? I can't do it Tuesday. Steinbrenner needs me to run---
Well, I wanna put a picture of me and my boss Mr. Morgan up at the office.
No, we're not. We're not men.
You see I disagree. I'd rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good looking blind woman doesn't even know you're not good enough for her.
Oh, there's a soup stand, Kramer's been going there.
The Friars Club?
Yes, sir.
What's with all these people having babies?
(laughs - hehe) Well, first, I'm brushing my teeth and this piece of apple-skin, that must have been lodged in there for days, comes loose.
Just the last few innings of a double-header.
I'm gonna play frolf.
Alright, we're back in!
(doing the voice) Not at all.
You know I uh, spilled a yogurt smoothie in here two days ago. Hm, Can't smell anything, can ya?
I gotta call Tatiana. where's the phone?
My parents. It's their anniversary. I'm taking them out to dinner and a show tonight. You think we'll hit traffic?
 Got it.
Yeah.
(backing off) Huh? All right, fine.
Well, it's . . . much too low.
Well how could you just play your message in front of anybody?
Well, I like a rolling writer. They're very smooth.
First she screams, 'George, what are you doing?! My God!' And it looked like she was gonna faint - she started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it. 
I'm not going to see that nut doctor she went to Europe with.
You're not going to get back here in time!
Hey.
The *bank*? This is *found* money. I want to *parlay* it. I wanna make a big score!
Hah.
Jerry, where did you get that sweater?
Why?
Like at the airport? (getting excited) 
We have no need to speak. We communicate with deep soulful looks.
Well, sure Joey, sure, I would be thrilled.
Hey, hey.
(inside bathroom) Nah.
Well, maybe so...but it was good enough for Mr. Jon Voight.
Maybe he's just 'very well RED'?
 Yeah, is he still mad at you for crashing his Thanksgiving party?
I swear, I swear!
(smiling) So, you know, what, what happened?
Not necessarily. Mustard lends itself to the squeeze.
'Hey listen, let me give you my card. It's got my home number on it. I want to buy the first pair when the next shipment comes in.'
It's not that I want to keep talking about it? just think that the subject should resolve itself based on its own momentum.
How'd your foot fall asleep?
When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly. And, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, 'MacArthur Park', and I got to the part about, 'I'll never have that recipe again,' and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the ten commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.
(negative) Hu-ho, boy.
Uncle Leo's having regular sex?
(Sliding over to make room for her) Sit down. Join us, please.
He's a wig master
Oh, hi.. (They shake hands)
I have mourned for three long months! Summer months, too! Anybody could grieve in January! It's time for George to start being George again.
(wry) He knows.
Bar?
Thanks. 
Radiating waves of pain..
I guess it's on my resume.
Nope! (Starts heading for the door)
(pointing to himself) Like me?
I love it. New office, new salary. I'm the new Wilhelm.
Oh, yeah, sure, accident, right. She was aiming right at me like she was putting out a fire! Then, for the rest of the show, I'm sitting there with chocolate all over my shirt. Flies are landing on me. I'm boiling - I'm fantasizing all the things I'm gonna say when I see her. And later, finally, backstage when I talk to her, I'm a groveling worm. 'What kind of chocolate was that? Do you throw any other foods?'
I can't. I gotta make the weekly call to the folks.
That should be 14, let me just...(corrects it with a pen.)
Hey.
Puddy's just gonna give you the car, huh? (Skeptically) You'll see. First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, dealer prep. Suddenly, you're on your back like a turtle. 
All right, but we're not buyin' it at Bloomingdale's. I will buy it, you pay me back later. I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.
I thought he looked Irish.
So I saw that new movie about the Hindenburg.
I'm sure I have a low IQ. I've been lying about my SAT scores for 15 years.
Yeah. I'll pay for it.
Take a guess.
How do you know?
I've matured.
I have a ten.
'The hell with them?'
When did you get this idea?
You open the door to the car, boom, you walk right into the hospital. Eh, You can't beat that spot. (starts doing a little dance) I am on a roll. I'm just willing these great parking spots.
Who, the Croat? [the tennis player] 
No kidding?
Rest stop supply. 
(still in Jack's voice) I'm working on my Jack Nicholson, You can't handle the truth! (he salutes)
You see? We were made for each other. (Thinking to himself) It's amazing. If I reach out and touch her breast right not, she'd scream and throw me out of the car. But at this time tomorrow, I could touch it all I want.
It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong. (chuckles) Everywhere.
Hey Elaine.
(looking over her resume) Well Miss Coggins you're ah, obviously qualified for the job. You've all the necessary skills and experience. But you're extremely attractive. you're gorgeous. I'm looking at you, I can't even remember my name. So ah, I'm afraid this is not going to work out (he crumples her resume into a ball) Thanks for coming in.
Oh, the actress-waitress?
Up again?! This is incredible! I'm.. I'm getting it.
Absolutely. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair. That way, I only have to do wash once a year.
Is that so? Or could it be that you're just a *little* bit worried that you may have missed the boat?
Alright, that's enough.
Well I've done that. 
Kramer, hey, hey! (Gets up out of his seat)
They're reorganizing the staff, and I'm on thin ice with this guy as it is.
I know. I know. That's what I do. That's what I do.
Really?
I will, sir. Top priority.
It's Susan
Yeah! Right!
Yeah, six weeks.
Then, I'm at The Foundation...
Frolf, frisbee golf Jerry. Golf with a frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George!
Right.
Excuse me, are you gonna be very long?
What?
I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.
(Acting innocent) I'm all set.
Yeah, I do that too. I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I feel like I don't deserve it so I talk. It stops me from enjoying it. There's nothing to eat in here.
 You got aloe?  I love aloe.
How many tickets are you paying today?
What the Hell is a 'Polar Bear'?
Boy! What a story! I'm speechless. Speechless. I have no speech.
(to Kramer) Ah! You're just the man I'm looking for.
tsh (snorts) Ah, yeah, we've - we've talked . . . I believe I can speak for the both of us on this.
Well, I didn't think anyone would play it.
(Still standing) So, you're gonna sit there?
Marla.
I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up. 
Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle.
Yep. There's one liiiittle problem.
I think that's what the back of closets are for.
You mean just going there because I'm invited, that's rude?
That's a great idea!!! 
Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, un-toasted with a side of potato salad ... and a cup of tea. (laughs)
(on tape, lifeless) Hey, it's George. I got nothin' to say... (beep)
That's right. He just happened to be the previous owner of the vehicle.
You're luscious. You're ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I'm terribly sorry. (both George and the attractive female applicant stand up as George reaches across the desk and shakes her hand for coming in)
Well, does he wear bland, drab, olive colored clothing?
 Oh good.
Right, I got news. You ready? (deep breath) Gary Fogel had cancer.
Oh, nothing happened, but it was...
Oh, there's a difference. It's subtle.
'All right Jimmy Good talking to ya.'
(To himself) How am I gonna do this? I'm engaged to this woman? She doesn't even like me. Change the subject? Toilets were the subject. We don't even share the same interests.
No, Kramer. I have to have this statue.
Ech. What else you got?
(Somewhat stern) Oh, the thing's cancelled. Sit down.
He's with the touring company of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. He's the guy in charge of the wigs.
Yeah. Why, what do you do?
Yes! Nothing says George like a movie!
George?
Ohhhhhh 
There was nothing else on. Oh, the left arm.. the left arm.
(Looks at her) Yeah, uh, no menus. (Waves her off)
Noo!
(confused, to himself) Like me? But how?
Hey, where you just at the health club?
They got a new intern from Francis Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.
And then, then, then she leaves with somebody else! Never even, never even said goodbye! Never called me back.. Never apologized. Nothing. Like I was dirt.
I gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes, a few you-were-right-abouts. It's a whole procedure. Wasn't Fragile Frankie the one that used to run into the woods every time he got upset?
You won't regret this, sir.
Ho ho ho ho! I can't wait for Hanke to come crawling back to me.
Great! I ate the entire platter! Had to call in sick today.
My father had a car salesman buddy. He was gonna fix him up real nice. Next thing I know, I'm gettin' dropped of in a Le Car with a fabric sunroof. All the kids are shoutin' at me, 'Hey, Le George! Bonjour, Le George! Let's stuff Le George in Le Locker!' 
Blimp: The Hindenburg Story.
What did I get or what do I say I got?
What for? . I'll tell you what for.... for hair.
Ok, thanks.
See ya.
We should take his limo.
A free ticket?
I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.
(worried) Oh boy.
Out of the question.
I gotta get out of this city.
Maybe the baby would like to see my spot. A positive, uplifting message to start his life out with. Huh, You can still get a great space in this city - if you apply yourself.
Yeah, she's a B.L. 
It's over. 
Yeah, I grabbed it on the way out, I don't want my mother reading it.
Potussan. Ever try it with club soda?
What trip? You were gone?
So just kick her out.
A stock.
I'm letting you in.
Ha ha ha ha, oh all right, go ahead, deride, deride if you must. But let me tell you something, with my personality and this set of hair, you know what I am now? I am in the game. I no longer defer to the coifed. I'm a player.
Haven't you kissed her? 
Come on over and sit down.
It better be.
. We should be having dinner with our sons when we're sixty.
Yeah.
Top priority.
It's coming Jerry, it's coming.
No, I did not! (They exit the coffee shop.)
You know what? I can't do this. I can't read books anymore; books on tape have ruined me, Jerry. I need that nice voice. This book has *my* voice. I hate my voice.
I can do six weeks standin' on my head. I'm a sexual camel. That's not the point. At least there was the possibility.
Sometimes, once in a while.
Hey, so get this. I get a call this morning from one of the Mets front office guys. They wanna take me out to lunch.
Oh they'll get out of the way. You really smell banana?
Hey!
I got some cufflinks I could've loaned you.
That's not Irish.
(Not sure what the answer should be) What do you want to hear?
 Jersey.
No doors?
look at this guy. Does he have to stretch in here?
Yeah, here you go.
Standard?
What do you mean not goin'? Come on, we got plans here. Call her up.
(Offering) Drink?
I zipped up! 
She any good?
And... and anybody can do this?
Yeeeaaah. (Jerry and George lean in to make their conversation a little more private) Well..... I've never really felt confident in uh..... one particular aspect.
So you're telling me instead of them being happy to see me, they're going to be upset because I didn't bring anything. Ttst --You see what I'm saying?
We could be zipping all over the place. 
Elaine, Julie.
No, no...
I can't imagine.
Huh, he's a communist. . . . Look at this. 'Exciting uninhibited woman seeks forward thinking comrade and appearance not important.' . . . Appearance Not Important! This is unbelievable. Finally this is an ideology I can embrace.
You knew? How did you know?
This is great!
Hey uh, isn't Elaine supposed to meet us?
'What day is today?....Aw. ..Tuesday! Damn it. I shouldn't have worked out today. Mr Wilhem has called a big meeting and now I'm gonna be sweating through the whole thing.'
Going backstage is the worst. Especially when they stink. You know that's a real problem.
Hey Fred.
What? No dibs! I need this statue. C'mon, give it!
Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.
(Confused) What photo?
So he walks out of the stall, he's been talking the whole time.
(hesitant) Uh, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, about the project...
Really?
Smile 
Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed.
Oh, right! (Shakes her hand) Right! Hey, hey.. I love the floors in here. It's like a gymnasium in here! Try and guard me! (Dribbles an imaginary ball
(Standing in the doorway) I'm fine with it! Fi-hi-hi-hine I say! (Leaves)
Yes, yes, I am.
I still have it. The collar's okay. I wear it under sweaters.
Is he still nuts?
(While pointing at Jerry) Not me! Him! His fault! He betrayed me!
Still upset. Very upset.
Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing: 'We don't care, and it shows.'
They made me buy it.. A hundred bucks this thing cost me. (Gesturing to the book) How dare they?! I got news for you, if it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books.
I found it morose. Why dwell on these negative themes?
I say fourteen o nine (1409).
The Chinese have done it my friend. The Chinese have done it.
Yeah, right.
Wait a second. Think about it. He's not showing up. Wait till you see the line of cabs, its like forty-five minutes long. You said he's in Chicago.
I love when they touch your arm. I can't get enough of that. Why is that?
What about accommodations?
What?
(still worried) He was pretty emphatic?
You see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong, now I have to become real, that's when it all falls apart. What good is real? They don't want real, they want funny.
So, whaddya say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love.
What's with the gloves?
(to Jerry) How could we not hear anything? What's with this Russel? What's he doing? (Jerry raises his arms and shoulders like: he doesn't know)
I'm at the health club and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses?
Beautiful lineswoman. Alright listen uh I'm going to go to the concession stand and get some real sunblock. You want anything? Jerry? (Jerry is staring at the lineswoman) Jerry? 
Hey
What could I do? Did you see the mug on that kid?
Oh, very refreshing. (Thinking again) Sex is like joining a private club. I'll be the same me tomorrow, but suddenly, the no trespassing sign will be gone.
(annoyed) Good for the tuna.
Hunh, pph (raises hands slightly, in amazement) How was it?
Yeah, well...a little rough finding something good in your price-range. (to Jerry) But you, my friend, may be in luck.
Did you ever meet my friend, Simons?
No, you won't.
Excuse me just for a second. ( fixes his hair looking at his reflection in a coffee pot.) 
No, you're gonna sit down, you son of a gun...
Yeah, Like I don't know that I'm pathetic.
( rubbing his eye) Ow, Ow you squirted me.
(thoughtful) Breakdown, huh?
(leaving) Yeah, Sure, sure ,,, I got to drop my car off at the new lot.
Guess what. 
The Day..
How could I possibly interfere?
You can't, it's a textbook.
I don't know. I don't wanna be one of those guys.
No, occasionally I'll forget to let the machine pick up. Anyway, they made this large donation, to a women's prison, and I get to go down there and check it out.
Quick, what's your favorite animal?
(smiling) I'm on a winning ball club, Jerry. They probably wanna pick my brains.
Why does she want you to be mad?
So uh... where we eating?
Summer of '89 I'm at the beach. This family sits up next to me. I go in to the surfs and when I come from out, my clothes, my towel, my umbrella, they're all gone. I am furious, I start screaming to these kids demanding my stuff back and finally I lose it; I grab their boom box and I chuck it in to the ocean.
That's cute.
You already have an in. You have the same first name!... (no reaction) 'Jerry'!
Should we be talkin' about this?
Oooh.
Why don't you ever go shopping?
I always get myself in this position. Can't be on time. Gotta rush.
I can't carry any changes in these pants, it falls out.
Keith Hernandez? The baseball player?
A dry-cleaning bill?
Is Ted Danson's deal standard?
Wh-Well maybe you should ask Elaine.
(Uncapping his pen) Alright, here we go.
Yeah. (Noticing this makes him out to be the bad kid, he gets defensive) Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was! 
Wa, uh, ...
Helping people... Of course. Of course! It makes perfect sense! How could I *not* be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit!
Yeah.
Who's that?
Oh, god. Look who's here.
Kramer. 
I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi.
Yeah.
They never try anything. 
Alright, maybe I do. So what.
Hey.
 I'm getting a makeover.
Why did he tell you and not me?
So, you know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you!
Yeah. (clears his throat) We should do this again.
What?
'Aahhrgh...it wouldn't take...... long pause, audience laughter) ten minutes from now, I'll be sweating all over again ,I can feel it. I'm a human heat pump!'
LBJ?
I did?
George is going to the movies! (exits)
I meet this women, Sheila. She works down at the one hour photo pace. She's got this incredible smile. Like she's got extra teeth or something 
Manhattan Memorial, less of a line.
(Let down) Yeah, but you - you promised it to me.
(Disappointed) A frog?
And you're the shark?
Oh you can stuff your sorries in a sack, Mister!
Remember that New Year's party he threw a few years ago? He had that very drafty apartment, you know, I think on Ninth Avenue.
Hey, at least I'm bringing something to this. (Starts flipping through envelopes, reads one ) 'Have you seen me?' (Flicks it aside) Nope. (looks at next envelope) Woah, something from Whatley.
You know it's a public phone, you're not supposed to just chit-chat.
They're selling coffee, bran muffins.. you're surrounded by reading material. It's entrapment!
Anyway, right in the middle, the ship blows up-- burning debris, bodies falling-- and then just as this eerie silence settles over the airfield, I yelled out, 'That's gotta hurt!'
Psst, You're telling me.
Discovered a cure for baldness.
Oh, nothing.
 I gave her a twenty, she only gave me change for a ten.
Hey, what goes on there, exactly?
No, no the full size.
Well the guy's just standing there.
So you didn't turn her in?
Is there a meal allowance? What about seat assignments? Could I have the Kosher meal? I hear the Kosher meal is good. And I need clothes. Gotta get a haircut. Gonna have to, I have to refill my allergy medication. Oh, do I need a hat? I need a hat, don't I? Could we do the Universal tour? They have that Backdraft exhibit now, that looks very cool to me...
Breath problem?
Pounded?
Stacey.
I'm in line to buy.
Ooooh, yes they do.
[quietly] C'mon, go along...
Huh. What, the whole apartment?
I broke 'em playing basketball.
What about me?
Yeah, about ten, fifteen minutes. But I have to stop at a vegetable stand.
So what? What am I supposed to do?
No no no, this one's different. This one's a beauty!
What do you mean Wednesday? I though we had tickets to the Knick game Wednesday. We got seats behind the bench! What happened? We're not going?
He knows this guy, Wilkinson. He made a fortune in the stock market. Now he's got some new thing. You know, there's supposed to be a big merger. He wasn't even supposed to say anything. You guys should think about doing this too.
Okay.
So she's gorgeous.
This is dating , you can't leave anything to chance. 
Yes. Me, too. I wanna be normal. Normal.
Boy, it stings.
No, no, no potato man. Inka-dink.
Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.
Jiffy Park. It's incredible.. Seventy-five dollars a month.
Kramer. Guess what. 
You know a lost and found could be a good idea.
(Laughs slightly) A physician married to a salesman. (Chuckles) Well, I gotta tell you, Beth, you coulda done a lot better than him.
We ordered the wedding invitations today,, Nothing can stop it now. Nothing. It's here! It's happening. Can I do this? I can't do this...Look at me. Look at me I can't do this, I can't do this (manic) Help me Jerry, help me.
(Eating) Oh yeah. These are fantastic, fantastic. (To server) You know, I'd love to get a jump on the next batch, where do you come out? (Server leaves) (To Anna) She's been ignoring this section all night. Quesadilla?
Like us. (Elaine enters)
Yeah-hah!
(Annoyed) Frog is wrong.
(thoughtful) I have no idea.
Where are you meeting these women? When they get off the bus at the port authority?
So what do you care what she thinks.
Then I see my clothes floating out there. The tied took them out, not the kids.
I asked if I could borrow a sweater.
No, never mind.
Well, it worked when I met George Peppard last week.
No, it isn't.
Well today's your lucky day.
That guy is not blind.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
You know, the guy from Cheers.
Oh no no no no, don't say anything to Kramer. Susan can't stand him. He vomited all over her.
Weren't you supposed to call Elaine?
I-I don't know. Last time I got the tap.
(Annoyed) There's more.
I don't know how you can let this guy handle all your money.
This guy from my old neighborhood. Lloyd Braun. He's a big advisor to Mayor Dinkins. He thinks he's so cool.
Lobster. 
Why not?
No, anything.
No harm! 
Ya it used to be right in the middle of single Jeopardy and now they do it right after single Jeopardy.
he he (laughs)
How are you closer to him than me?
(whistles disapprovingly) Ho ho ho, 'Had to'? 'Had to' come in?
Oh, no, thanks. I can't drink coffee late at night, it keeps me up.
Wendy? Is that the uh, physical therapist?
'Cold showers? They're for psychotics.'
I wonder if, ah, Susan ... (picks up the phone from the coffee table, then decides not to call) No. I better just go. (claps hands) heh. All right! See ya. (grabs his rain coat from the hook by the door and rushes out)
No kidding?
Hey check this out. I go to pick up my pictures and she says ' I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt.' 
(Depressed) Well,.. the Andrea Doria.. that was quite a fire. (Moves to the door, leaving)
(Reading) I see here that you play the harp.. tell me, why do you have to tilt it? Can't you just build it on an angle? It'd save you a lot of trouble.
I don't know how a fish could eat laughs.
Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower.
(To his girlfriend) Nina, you have to decide right now. Jerry or me?
(Reading the card from Whatley) 'This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance.'?
I find the soothing pastorial images very conduc-
The place went nuts.
You are my friend.
It was on CNN ( Kramer comes in and he is taping from a Camcorder) This Chinese doctor Zeng Zau. has discovered a cure for baldness.
You won't think I'm a bad person?
(to the cashier)  Excuse me, I gave you a twenty dollar bill and you only actually gave me change for a ten.
No, I-I-I know... [retreats back to his Chinese take out] I know...
You didn't say 'junior'.
We just go up to him, we say, 'We're O'Brien.'
Gonna see her again?
Tell me.
(getting animated) Look I, I uh, I had nothing to do with this. It wasn't my decision. It was Jerry! Jerry told me no. I'm the creative guy. He handles the business end.
No it's not, it's the ticket-<buyers> line.
Ya gotta put on a show, ya always gotta give them a big show. You always have to be 'on' otherwise why would they like me? They'd just go for a better looking guy with more money.
Now if I wanna see anything I gotta wear these.
(screaming) Aaahh!! 
Ya
My mother loves Hampton tomatoes. She's nuts for Hampton tomatoes.
Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.
Hey, wanna get some lunch?
I can't believe you're really going out with a woman named Lois.
So, is he okay?
I haven't seen it yet, but it's a two-bedroom, it's on the uh, west 83rd, 'bout a half block from the park?
Oh. Who is this guy?
I don't know. But Simons said that if I wanted to get involved, that Wilkinson would tell me the exact right minute to sell. You wanna do it?
Please, it doesn't look good. Boy, boy, girl.
Well have you got a picture?
Hehummm , Yeah! 
She's not out there!
Yes. Yes. Care. You know who I think about a lot? Remember SUSAN: ? The one that used to work for NBC?
No.
All right. All right. Let's - let's go over that again.
Alright, bye.
Yeah, good, good.
Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
Yeah and you get this really cool T-shirt when you sign on..
I quit my job. 
Definitely.
Maybe somebody did it and didn't take credit for it. Maybe it was already done and didn't need doing in the first place. I have no idea who did it, what they did, or how they did it so well. And you know what? Jimmy crack corn and I don't care.
I can't
Hi ah, My name is George.
We'll just take a check. (She leaves the check. George, in all his cheapness, can't help but to review the check. He finds an error) You made a mistake on the..
So it's just mono.
Nothing really, you know...just eh, stroll around the cell blocks, maybe eh, take in a shower fight. (chuckles.) Hey eh, you know you got a bounced check hanging up in the little market over on Columbus?
(Annoyed) Yeah, yeah. We'll, uh, let you know.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
She probably gets that impression because you're cool. You're under control. Like me. Nothing wrong with that.
So now, the father is screaming at me, he's demanding that I pay for the boom box. Finally, I gave them a fake address and got the hell out of there.
I said preferably cashmere, for warmth. So in front of the whole party, he says, 'No. I don't want you stretching out the neck hole.'
He knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He just doesn't wanna look.
Well, whoever he was, he knew a lot about The A-Team!
Well, it would be OK if Darryl was here.
Tell you how you could check.
Oh, the busboy left the menu a little close to the candle.
It will be my first one.
I can't believe they actually found your stolen car.
Wow, Keith Hernandez. He's such a great player.
You know, I'm a little nervous.
For vomiting on her vest!
I didn't say I was Ted Danson.
Jerry. Marla. (Realizing Jerry's cue) Stacey! (Walks over to Stacey)
So, she fell, and then she started screaming, 'My back! My back!' So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital. 
You mean that's true, I'm right?!
What *kind* of a person are you?
You know, you're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap. (George taps his own shoulder). You know it's like pfffff (whistling sound), all right that's enough, you're through.
She says we can't go out anymore. 
You telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? Huh (snort), no way wine is better than Pepsi.
She'll open!
Oh, n-no comparison.
Flying him in? How long's he staying for?
'Had to come in' and 'maybe we'll get together'? 'Had to' and 'maybe'?
Okay.
Really?
'All right, I'll see you guys later.'
(Muttering out, not really wanting to talk about his family) When the Costanzas came here, one brother stayed behind.
Well, I still don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't even know what my assignment is.
Don't you see. She's looking at my pictures. 
I remember.. (Leaves)
(Reading) I see your G.P.A's a 4.0.
(Germanic) Ich bin ein sucker.
What?! Well, what are you doing here?
I got him Yankee's tickets! He got me a piece of paper saying 'I've given your gift to someone else!'
Well, I'm gonna go back there later and return it when there's different people working.. You want to catch a movie?
Yeah.
I tell you everything, right?
'Cause believe me, I would only say this to you and maybe a psychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big.
 I'm positive I gave you a twenty.
*No*...
No, he doesn't know O'Brien, if he knew O'Brien he wouldn't have a sign. Let's just do it.
You know, I haven't eaten anything.
I was quoting him. Why would I be insulted? I'm never insulted. You could call me baldy, dump soup on my head. Nothing insults me.
My Darling Susan! My DARLING!!!
Hey-hay! Lloyd! Hey! My friend Jerry eh.
But Jerry, this is not coming out! 
Deeply in love. If you can't say anything bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all.
Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
Ah, well, that's very mature. What about you?
Duncan Meyers?
Huh, really? How bad? Was he on his death bed?
Uh, twice what you're payin' here, but it's a great building. It's two bedrooms!
Is it that obvious?
Well, I have to see her.
No problem. 
No. It didn't take.
No, not that I know of. (winks)
All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?
I couldn't take it anymore. 
No, I'm a friend of Elaine Benes.
I noticed you eh, chose the eh 'clowns with balloons' check design.
so, uh, Steven.. I see you're president of the chess club.
Hey.
Hey.
Not really. Your voice kind of raises to this comedic pitch. (Kramer enters)
Until that stupid photo jogs his memory.
Oh, yeah, sure, laugh it up. Everybody else did!
Look at these salesmen. The only thing these guys fear is the walk-out. No matter what they say, you say, 'I'll walk out of here right now!' 
Maybe it's got something to do with that 42 in the corner .
Reprogram all the buttons, see if he changes them back. You know? The old switcheroo.
Not even an apple.
Did I need that pointed out for me? What is that going to do for me? How does that help me, to see her? I'm trying to live my life. Don't show me that.
Is that the guy who likes fat women?
Huh?
That's amazing.
I'd love to be a Civil War buff. ... What do you have to do to be a buff
Well, you know... the friend meeting the new woman. I feel like I'm getting fixed up for a friendship.
Well, I shouldn't have to pay for it!
You tell Russell.
Alright, here we go. You got it?
(Somewhat angered) She's in traction. 
Is this the ticket holders line, or the buyers?
It's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball.
When I find that guy, this much I vow: those glasses will be returned to their rightful owner.
Because I'm not Latvian Orthodox. Her parents won't let her get involved with anyone who isn't Latvian Orthodox. 
I just don't like the idea that any time there's a dinner invitation there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it.
Yes.
(stops Jerry realizing something) Hey hey hey hey hey hey.
All this in 5 days. Hmm.
I like (imitates Kramer) 'cookies.'
Hey hey.
No...no...no, I hate to tell you this. You're not gonna see this woman.
Yeah, take it easy.
What'd you do today, dad?
Yeah, that is odd, isn't it?
I can't. He's been on my case about not paying attention. Besides, it's too late, I already told him I heard him.
What about a letter?
That's got nothing to do with it. 
Are.. are you okay?
She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon. She deserves Rosemary's baby!
What are you doing?
Five' eight! Five' seven!
Don't you see how wrong that is?! Where's your Christmas spirit? And eye for an eye!
(Praising Leo's stealing) Alright, Leo! Stickin' it to the man!
Well, this I take to the grave.
I mean, big would even be ok, a little beyond big.
 You owe me ten dollars.
All right, I think they have fleas there. So what...
What's gonna happen? They can't kill us.
Why don't you just call 911?
What was that all about?
Well, don't they make a counter offer? How can they just cancel the whole deal like that? What kind of a maniac is this guy? I mean he just, he says no, and that's it?
Well, I feel better already. I'm feelin' like a good person.
You gotta look at this. I pulled it in perfectly equidistant from the car in front of me and the car behind me.
My parents don't read! They're gonna wonder what a book is doing on the table! 
I didn't even know Fulton was in the hospital.
Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!
Check that out (showing newspaper)
So why didn't you tell me?
It's called Sendrax. They've got some new kind of technique for televising opera.
Really?
You know, I'm down to one kiss hello. My aunt Sylvia.
Hey, Kramer, what are you doing Tuesday?
Did I tell you I ran into her last week? Ho-ho, she looked great.
Morgan? No. He's doing a great job. (winks)
All right. So, you hold out your money, speak your soup in a loud, clear voice, step to the left and receive.
Hello, Lloyd. How you doing?
Yeah, that's right. It's working.
Marisa Tomei! I, just spoke to Marisa Tomei! (sitting opposite Elaine) And I wasn't even that nervous.
So...
You know I still don't know how you can call lunch with me a business expense.</font>
Who's your favorite chess player?
(sitting) Newww tuxedo. For the Pinstripe Ball. Steinbrenner is throwing a huge party at Tavern on the Green, heh!
Hey. You ready?
Jerry, look at my eyes.
(on the phone) Oh my God.
Yeah.
(Threatening) Hold it! One more step and we're walkin'! 
Well, I can't crack this one.
I just can't believe at the way people are. What is it with humanity? What kind of a world do we live in?
No, it's doing the same thing to someone that they did to you.
What's with all these flags?
Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said?! I just told him what happened.. he didn't do it on purpose.. (Mangager and busboy are arguing. The busboy points in the direction of George) He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?!
Yeah, right. I'll just go up and say, 'Hi, how ya' doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?' JERRY Before you got within twenty feet of this woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button. She's like an expensive car with one of those motion-sensor force field alarms. Any sudden movement in the area could set her off.
What are you? Satan? I'm close to a job here. It's my second interview with them.
ho ho ho ho. You know I only got two weeks left of unemployment. I got to prove I've been looking for a job to get an extension
Really? I thought you liked her.
(to Jerry) Yeah, your milk.
Oh... do I have to write him a note or something?
Here we go.
It's not funny, Elaine. 
But I asked you before if you had a ticket, and you said no!
No, no, this wasn't moving on. I got the hook. I wish I could get a lesson in that.
Bologna?! No one eats bologna anymore!
What kind of a sick, demented person wants another person's glasses?
I was curious! (imitating his mom's voice)
Your parents are going to Paris right?
Excuse me, uh I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
(emerging from bathroom, buttoning his shirt) A gymnast! I can't believe it, you didn't tell me she was a gymnast.
Who's he?
Well, what's so great about a Mom and Pop store? Let me tell you something. If my Mom and Pop ran a store, I wouldn't shop there.
Hey Elaine. (George hangs up his raincoat next to the door) I'm telling you Jerry, having a secretary is incredible. (George claps hands) I don't know why I didn't have one before.
How do I know, maybe, you know, maybe she wanted to be polite. 
I don't know why you even bother with this ping pong guy, I'll tell you that.
I don't have a hi-fi.
Well, it was very nice meeting you Shelly and Jerry be careful, there's a lot of nuts out there. (to Paula) All right you have everything? 
No, no, no, no, I'm It. I win.
You know, I can't remember the last time I called a woman without being nervous. I, usually, I'm pacing all over the room, I'm...
I mean, they're retired.
I don't know what you're getting all riled up about. There are probably a million Costanzas-
I go in to use his private bathroom, everybody uses it, and then I get a memo - a memo - telling me to use the men's room in the hall. Well, (laughing) I mean we share it with Pace Electronics. It's disgusting! 
Yeah, follow-up question, that'll work.
I...I...write a letter and then I..I go to China. I disappear in a sea of people for like six months, a year you know just while things simmer down. Ehm.. Ehm...Dear Susan. I'm sorry. I made a terrible mistake. I'm really , really sorry.
Hnn! Let me see that.
Yesssss. 
I'm George.. George Costanza.. I've never been in the hospital a day in my life.. except when I had my tonsils out. You know, they never gave me any ice cream. I always felt that-
No something is bunk and then you debunk it.
(slightly worried) You know, I'm starting to get a little nervous about this lunch.
Never said goodbye. Never apologized. Nothing.
Oh yes, by no means, the mood. Let me know if there's anything I can do to lend support to the mood.
Regardless. I had to walk around for the rest of the party in some cheap Metlife windbreaker. Now, it is payback time.
I did, I'm trying to call China.
Now, I'm aware that my own physical dimensions are perhaps a little short of perfection.
 Alright, let's just examine the situation for a second.  Who, in this situation, would be more likely to make a mistake?  Me, who had access to my wallet, knew exactly what was in there?  Or you--
Glad you enjoyed it.
I'll be O'Brien.
Hey, hey, hey! I dig.
Of course it is.
For what?
Well, he has to play! He can't just not play. We're playing! Look, I gotta see him, how do I get in touch with him?
uh uh, we're uh ..
I guess that leaves me in the clear...
Yeah, there was a fire in my apartment.
I know. This was the only woman I never lied to. Well that's not entirely true. 
Na no, I'm not good in these situations. I can't hide my pity. I..I make em feel worse.
(To Jane) You know, when I was a kid, I once found a dollar and fifty cents in change on the bottom of the pool.
Sure, all right, what do you want?
That's right.
So?
Some sort of electronic thingy.
Oh I would love that. You think he'd really do it?
(surprise) Huh. I never heard you say you admire me for anything.
Why doesn't *he* pick you up after the operation. He's got the car with the bench seats that you like.
(Holding camera) Look at this, I only have one picture left... How 'bout a shot of me and Mr. Morgan?
You thought she was good looking, right?
I solve problems. That's just what I do.
It stinks.</font>
Right. (Mumbles) Nastercoff.. What country is he from, again?
(resentfully dampened) It's not a prom. It's a Ball.
Because I'm REFRESHED. I finally found a way to sleep in my office. Under the desk. I lie on my back. I tuck in the chair. I'm invisible.
I got a job interview. They want to see me this afternoon.
I told ya. Hey, any of you guys want to come out and help me fix my father's screen door in Queens?
Um, cream soda?
(Still with a tone) He is. You don't know what I'm doin' here. 
try shaking it...(long pause) Well,Janet should be here any minute.
Well that's the gist of it!
Jerry, Jerry
Oh, yeah I'm sure he loves to hear from fans in the locker room.
... millions and millions ...
You know, it's a miracle you're not married. (beat) Hey, I'm not obligated to buy anything, am I?
I really think it looks good.
Well what would I say in the note?
(Holding out his arms - giving praise) It's beautiful. Now, what do I say?
Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was, 'Why, George, why?!'.. I said, 'Because it's there!' 
[furious] Good. It's good to be accurate like that.
Who's he?
I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor.
Hey, what's your guy's name again?
Yeah.
You can go crazy trying to figure that place out.
Wait, wait wait, not so fast. Jerry, you gotta take me to get this thing refinished. 
Maybe I can get her locked up.
So I tell Alec that I have to go to Paris for an undetermined amount of time. Then all I have to do is buy some post cards and have your parents mail them from Paris.
My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
What, I'm puttin' my shirt back on.
Perhaps. (hehe) I walk in, everything is organized -- messages, appointments. And I can't tell you how proud I am of myself for going with Ade.
All right, all right, I didn't want to tell you this. You wanna know why she called you?
I don't understand why you spend time with this guy.
(leaving to the bedroom) I gave it to Cosmo.
Yeah.( reaches for the purse and finds a piece of paper . he looks annoyed. 
Hey, where you going?
They have no friends.
I snapped! It was the last straw. (sighs) 
The point is, however it got done, it's done. So, any luck with the car?
What? Too short?
Sweet Fancy Moses!
It is a horrible company. There's no management what so ever. I could go hog wild in there.
(Whispering to Jerry) What time is our flight back? I got to go to the bathroom.
It's my head!
You, uh, didn't dance again, did you?
I can't believe it. He's going! He's fired!
What about this leftover Chinese food?
So who am I to be thinking about someone's nose? I mean, I should be grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing. But I have to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the nose. I don't ask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed at night, I tell myself, 'Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but I think about it. I look at her, I see nose.
 No, no, no, see you're not really listening.
How can you just get it?
[pause] Would I like to come up? I would love to come up. I, I'm fighting not to. Fighting! Unfortunately I uh have to get an early start tomorrow. Gotta' get up and hit that pavement
You're you.
Yes! I see enormous potential here.
Your friend is been accused of being a serial killer. I think that qualifies.
Your own show?
Mon...? No, no, I can't wait til Monday, that's impossible, I gotta talk to him now. Where does he live?
This'll only take a second.
Remember when you came to audition for us?
Yeah, come on.
Uh, uh, yeah. Actually, the, uh, I-I bumped my elbow on a desk and uh injured something an.. now it sort of moves involuntarily.
Well, I can't walk anywhere now. I'm just gonna be wishing there were walkways. (seeing Elaine removing her shoe) What are you doing? 
Ya and also I'm afraid that people in that state are finally going to tell me what they really think of me. You know they got nothing to lose what do they care?
Yeah. Hey, you know, I gotta go get these tomatoes. You wanna go for a ride?
What big salad? I'm going to the coffee shop.
What's that.
Well, I still think you shoulda told me.
Five thousand... Ten. Ten thousand. Five thousand.
(singing; imitating Tony Bennett) 'You know, I'd go from nods to nothing...'
Why? Because we're a team! C'mon! Would you take this for us, dear? Thank you very much. Here we go... (To Morgan) Anyone ever tell you you look a lot like Sugar Ray Leonard? Yeah, you must get that all the time.
I was just curious.
Not as thin as you think.
Hey.
Do you really think I'm wrong about this Wyck guy?
I think. (Pause as they all look down)
(Gets up, stopping him) Woah, woah, woah! What are you telling me for? You really had me going, there! C'mon, sit down. (They both sit back down) What do you want to do when you grow up?
Yes, of course I'm taking Allison. This woman is genetically engineered to go to a ball. Tall, blonde, lithe--
Oh, it's beautiful. It's in sports.
Hey, it's Georgie.
Aah! the minute I saw this girl, we just clicked. She's got such a nice face. hummmm her eyes, her mouth, nose
I think I saw him. I think it's him.
What?
I told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay? And don't applaud when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet.
He's Keith Hernandez. You're Jerry Seinfeld.
I got me an appointment with a hardware store. I'm not saying I want to do it for the rest of my life, but, uh, hardware fascinates me. Don't you love to make a key?
All bald people look good in hats.
Oh-ohf (snorts) yeah, I'm a writer. (laughs)
(Vowing) Well, I'll tell you this, though - I am never doing.. that , again. 
Yeah, how did you know that?
Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll make it to that age?
No, I saw 'Home Alone II'.
No, no, no. Out of the question. I was over there today. He's got the good spot in front of the good building in the good neighbourhood. I know he's not gonna wanna move.
Anyway, I think everything else is okay. Unless of course she's faking.
Yes, now. It's gonna take a few days and my parents are gonna be back. I gotta have it back before them! 
Who?
I take it off when I go to the, uh, y'know, to the 'office'.
You're a back-up, you're a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan, a contingency!
Yeah, tell 'im. But quickly, I'm double parked here.
No no no no, you have to approach this as if he was a woman.
Don't you see what this is? 
Well, giddy-up!
Something's up, there's something in the air.
I'll tell you what happened. I bet he got the AM/PM mixed-up.
What? You can't leave yet.
Nobody's hiring now. The market's terrible. 
Why not?
What a succinct story.
That's beautiful.
Really? You wanna come?
Like retouched.
You went home with him?
I didn't know he'd get fired.
You don't know where we parked?
 No problem.  There's no problem.  She just owes me ten dollars, that's all.
He didn't seem too pleased.
[pause] Tonight?
Yeah.
Because great couples always have a great story about how they met. That's why I've never been in a long term relationship. I've never had a good meeting story.
What's the matter with you? Are you crazy? Why are you using my name?!
They want you to do a TV show?
[to himself] Hey, whatd'ya know? Look at that! A *lesbian* sighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're *so* fascinating. Why is that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that...
There was a box of raisins on the coffee table. Did you, by any chance, take them with you when left?
Really?
Oh, pretty good.
She knew I didn't have a job, she knew I lived at home. Didn't seem to bother her. I think I could have married this woman. 
Hehehehehe (higher tone laugh, though still quietly )
No but say hello for me.
'Kay. I'll uh, I'll see you later. Anybody want some tomatoes?
I've never seen a big salad.
And the amazing thing is she eats like there's no tomorra'. I mean I've never seen an appetite like this. Desserts. Everything. I don't know how she does it.
Well, I wanna talk to him about this.
C'mon. Wilkinson's got millions invested in this stock. It's gone up three points since I've been watching it.
(frustrated) Take it easy! Huh! Take it easy!
Well I'm very excited about this. I've always wanted to see how those sketch artists do it.
No, not a racial thing, there really is a resemblance...
Yes. Changes.
The tag, huh?
(not expecting the statue to be thrown) Dit.
Yeah, they're all through ruining my life. What the hell are they still doing here? Lemme see this pamphlet. Hm. All right, so I'll, uh, get back to you.
Really? Why?
My Job..arghhh
Jerry Lewis?
Conrad, is it?
Playground equipment.
Ma!
(pulling out some money) Uh, yeah. Hang on. Just... yeah.
Mario's Pizza.
Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obsenities and doing some calesthetics routine
Oh, this is great.
(George puts on the headphones) Oh! my god...
I could never do that. You know the ironic thing is if she had a smaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first place. She'd be out of my league with a smaller nose. And I really like her, I know that. And I know one other thing. I'm not getting past that nose.
What are you comparing yourself to Keith Hernandez. The guys a baseball player Jerry, Baseball!
Will I call you when I get home? ha ha What do you think? ee, you kill me kill me
What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.
Eighteen dollars.
Gimme the purse!
(Definite) All together. 
What mail?
Allison bought it for me.
Can I ask you a question? Would you mind switching seats?
Well I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way, you mind if I watch it here?
[to himself] Oh, my God! It's Susan! What do I do?
You don't know what that spot means to him. Once he gets it, he doesn't go out for weeks.
Nothing.
I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris (handing Morty the postcards) all you have to do is drop 'em in any mailbox.
Ow! What are you doing under there? Hey, stop that! Don't eat that! That's not food! (to Robin) He's suckin' down Equal packets!
Miss Rhode Island? When are you seeing her?
Well, it frees me up. No encumbrances.
Hi (raises his left hand in a slight gesture to say hi)
Claire, Claire, you're a woman, right?
Let's not forget the radiator. The steam has been on here for ten years. No human can turn this off.
Absolutely. You just tell him the truth.
I think you absolutely have to say something to this guy. Confront him.
You're uh, physical therapist, right?
Yeah!, a doodle of me...look at the size of the nose , the ears, all my features are distorted. 
Well, I think this is it.
I don't chew gum.
We have to discuss my alibi.
I like sports. I could do something in sports. 
(still looking at that picture) You know if I told my engagement story to that receptionist, but told her this, was my fianc&eacute;e..
No, no thanks.
Live?
Oh, it's not mine. It's my mother's.
(surprise) Head of scouting?
Hey, 'The White Shadow' is on...
Oh, this is good. This Kruger guy is clueless. I can't wait to work for him.
Jerry, Elaine, I give you.. Janet.
(on the phone) Uh, Mrs. Ross? It's-it's George.
Nah.
Just as she was. Hey, Mario! Remember us?
What if he's waiting for me outside? He pointed at me! Did you see him point?!
hey, you know what? I just remembered something. I had a dream about that guy last night. This is amazing.
What, you don't want to be you?
I don't think so.
What am I scared of? I'm scared of the same thing that you are, everything! Why don't you just use your own name?
Come on, how hard is that? Look at all the junk that's on TV. You want an idea? Here's an idea. You coach gymnastics team in high school. And you're married. And your son's not interested in gymnastics and you're pushing him into gymnastics.
Gee, that's-that's too bad.
My little man doesn't know.
Well we were all eating the raisins. And I remember you--you were eating some of the raisins. And then you left, and the raisins were gone. And I was just wondering if, you know (chuckles), maybe you took them with you.
Wow. Uh, what do I have to do?
Yeah, this is my first time here. (nudges Jerry again)
I can't. I met them. They're devout. You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting. 
Oh, yeah. You wish you had this coat.
Is that what I ask for? The BIG salad?
You arms look like something hanging in a kosher deli.
I looked up. I couldn't believe it.
Wa?
Mmm-mm.
C'mon, go for twenty-five hundred. We'll do it together. Come on, come on. We're in it together.
(coming back in) Alright, alright. Can we go out and eat?
Think I'M not?
Let me tell you something about that tag. It's no 31, and uh...let's just leave it at that.
Who?
Hey.
Yeah! Yeah!..Staten Island . What about my clothes ,how do I get the rest of the clothes?
That's pretty paranoid.
Hey, you like?</font>
Listen, sweetheart, let me tell you a little something about guts. (Points to his head.) This is guts.
Jerry, figure this out. I'm in the coffee shop, and this beautiful girl I could never even talk to, mistakes me for her boyfriend.
Uh, let me ask you a question. Could you, uh, expand the space underneath a desk to give it a little more headroom?
Yeah haha.
I was, I had to leave. She lit some vanilla incenses. The smell drove me nuts, all I could think about was food, I had to get out of there. We need some pudding here! Pudding!
Dad, it's me. Hey, listen, I was at Fortunoff's the other day, and, you know what, you were right.
Nothing. It's a card from my dad.
By the way, how did Puddy get back in the picture?
Wa..Wait.Wait!......Who is this woman?
(waving) How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this thing.
 Oh, so you don't believe me either?
What, ... you are making some wisecracks in a night club... wo wo wo. The guy was in game SIX two runs down two outs facing elimination.
No, I can't. What if I meet a woman? I'd always be worried about that first moment where I'd take it off and see that look of disappointment on her face.
I don't know.
Anyway, we met with NBC about a month ago and they gave us the green light to go ahead and write a pilot. In fact, we got a big meeting with them tomorrow. They gotta approve of the story before we can write.
Why didn't Kramer pick it up?
I dunno. I guess I have to wait for her to die.
I'll shout.
Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something.
[to himself] Argh! [to Susan] Susan! Hi! Oh, boy! What are you doing here?!
Good thinking!
Nobody's faking.
Well no not yet, you gotta buy french stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you of course.
25 kids for his birthday party? (to kid under table) Don't put your tongue on the floor! He's putting his tongue on the floor! Here, here, have some more sugar packets. (tosses some Equal packets under the table)
You're incredible.
ALL the way, baby!
Uhm...I'd like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, you know, from a female point of view.
Yes.
You know, I got this little swelling right here. (rolls up his sleeve to expose his wrist) It's kinda painful. What d'you make of it?
I'm grotesque . I look like a troll. 
I saw Siena again.
I usually spend Saturday afternoons with Susan. She's gonna want to know what I'm doing. I can't use Jerry, he's in Florida.
You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something. 
Don't you see. Women like that are like, members of a secret tribe living in a forbidden city. People like me have not been inside in thousands of years.. But with this, it's like I've already been with one of her own! My hands been stamped! I come and go as I please!
Oh, sure, my Black Hawks jacket. I love my Black Hawks jacket.
Well, they gave birth to me, and, yada yada...
(playing it cool) I'm still here.
Jerry, my vacation just started. I need a day or two to de-compress. Besides, I did plenty today.
George Costanza. Susan's, uh, friend? Long time no speak.
Was it my fault?
(he just took a bite of the Chinese food ) This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger. I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger. (puts the container back in the refrigerator.)
I think that's Mr. Hayman. ...The gym teacher from our High School.
Me, why?
I haven't seen him for months.
Like who?
(looking uncomfortable) Um... yeah! Sure, sure I'm interested.
Really?
Because you're a gymnastics teacher. It's only natural.
My little man's an idiot.
It's the same movie! What's the difference?
Oh, no, no--
That's it?
Alright, Jerry, I'm gonna get my coat. 
Why not? What do I care? 
Oh, here we go...
No, no, Hey I'll get it. What's in the BIG salad?
Well wha'd you buy it for?
Kramer, she's a model.
That's what I'm saying.
(to Claire) Now, a woman calls me, all right? 
That's it.
(still puffing)' Whoa!!'
Me, too.
He scratches off a 32 and he puts in 31.
I can't believe I won at Inka-dink.
Yeah.. (Trying to remember) Poverotti.. Domingo.. and.. uh.. the other guy.
Where'd you go?
I'm not going back in there.
I like it!
Really? (feeling flattered)</font>
These are not 'scraps.' These are historic remains of a once Great Society of Hair.
Uh, excuse me. Uh, pound of Arabian mocha java, please.
(incredulous) I look just like him. I. Me. (flings his arms out) This! This is what her boyfriend looks like. How is that possible?
It'll have to be a night job anyway. You don't normally work after dinner, do you?
I told I had a bus transfer that was only good just for another hour.
It's nothing, stop it..
Excuse me, are you going to be much longer? I have to make a very important call.
This is just what I need.
This is like a Penthouse letter...Why can't I meet women like this?
 You haven't won.  You may think you've won, but you haven't won.  Do you know why?  It's not over.  This is not over.  I'm not forgetting what's happening here.  You have my ten dollars.  I will get it back.  Alright, don't worry.  It's not over.  I'm going now.  Good bye.  I will be back.
Wha-Is that the one your parents gave you?
Well, cause we were just saying we were going to ask you to come up to the country with us this weekend.  Susan's father has a cabin up there.  But, eh, all right, well.
Alright, let's go.
Not a bad way to make a buck.
Oh yeah, right. When's he coming back?
C'mon, c'mon...(stands up and physically rolls Betsy to the left side of the couch.) See, now, is that so bad?
Oh, ... some stupid movie...
She's not faking!
(Muttering) No, that's it.
Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?
Uh, Elaine, this is, uh, Lloyd.
What if she becomes Miss America? You could be dating Miss America, Jerry!
Jerry, what do you, you wanna, you wanna see the place or not?
If I was a different person.
Don't you see what this says? How can you possibly like somebody ,if you think they look like this? 
Yeah. Yeah, one second.
(he drops a paper airplane he was holding) Mr. Wilhelm!
Yes.
Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game. 
I gotta go.
(getting up) Can I keep this?
Well, it wouldn't fit you. The sleeves are too short.
Yada yada yada...
I bought a new recliner with a fridge build right in to it.
(holding his cane) I gotta hobble. (walks out)
Chinese food?
(Struggling) No, no, no, no. I can walk it off. It's a hundred and twenty degrees in here.. I'll sweat it out.
Oh! euh.. Yeah We just can't go to the supermarket to get some candy.
Hey, me too.
We'll have 2 slices and 2 grape sodas.
I could have had some ice cream. I think that might have calmed down the nachos.
Well, you know, book reports. That kind of stuff.
Oh, no no no. I was just looking for stock-pages. Here it is. Looking for the quotes. Gotta check to quotes. Love a good quote. Oh, IBM up a quarter.
I was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport Maine. ??? night club. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off.
(gritting teeth) Yeah, sure.
You think so?
I know, but he's your son.
You don't think I can? 
Jerry did you wash this pear?
No you wouldn't. Nobody would. It's just that... they were missing, and... well I'm just inquiring. (chuckles nervously)
What about these?
Why don't we get them a couch? (Kramer laughs) We'll rent a U-haul -- we'll bring 'em a nice sectional.
(???), we'll see you in a little while.
I have noticed she does tend to go to the bathroom right after we finish eating.
If not mine, whose?
She says she 'has to' come to New York on business...
(Gesturing to Jerry) Check the raiser.
(reluctant) Oh that uh, that seems like a lotta trouble.
(gets up to leave the table) HELLO!!! (angrily) 
We discussed toilet paper.
uh-uh. What's with the bucket?
Well, this is the Jerry Seinfeld that only I know. I can't believe I just told you that.
Yea.
Hey.
(smiling) Ho ho. Funny. Isn't he funny? Funny guy. Ha ha ha.
Why didn't you take your car?
Well I'm not starting up a whole new wardrobe now!!!
Elaine, huh... Peterman account?</font>
I'm going to the bathroom.
(wondering) Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he and I are exactly the same, except for one minor, yet crucial, detail. You never know.
So you're talking...
I don't know, I was starving Jerry!
What ever they had. Miranda thinks I'm a butcher but i-i-it's not my fault is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?
(Interrupting) Jerry, No!
Oh, I just, uh, leased a house out in the Hamptons, and I have got to get out there this weekend and sign the papers.
Physical therapy is covered by insurance?
He's older, completely covered in filth, no whistle, but I think it's him.
WAIT ,WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!!.... Where was the tape recorder?
Well I like Dylan.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Well, I'll tell you, Stacey. It's a lot of hard work. But, it comes fairly easy to me. Some people write symphonies. This is my gift. (Raises ski lift ticket while Stacey looks away)
She kept such a nice clean apartment. She was so sanitary.
Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating; that's a fantasy camp.
No, no, the machine'll get it...
Oh, hi...
I like this area. I could live out here.
I know. I can tell. It's one of my powers. Why, did you ever fake?
Yes, I saw that.
A pig-man?
Really? 
How about Bozo?
Chaperone? What, are you kidding?
Demi (the 'i' sounds like an 'e')? I thought it was Demi?
All right. All right. Let's not get into panic mode! Let's not make a big deal outta this thing or we're never gonna get through this night.
Assistant to the General Manager!!  Do you know what means?!?  He'd could be askin' my advice on trades!  Trades, Jerry, I'm a heartbeat away!
Wait a second, wait. Why are we together?
Friars.
What about that? 
(absently leaving with it) Thanks.
Well, I didn't really think about what I was gonna do with all..
An' wait'll you see the dress that she's got. It's backless! Uh?! I'm finally gonna make a Great Entrance!
Witness.
(Still mad a Leslie) Never said goodbye. Goodbye!
Oh, pudding! You want some?
(Looking at her nose) Is your nose pierced?
(Eating a sandwich) Oh, like you really know busboys.
There's elevators all over! It all looks the same.
(waving:  Eva.
I like Mike Lubika.
Me? No, no, I don't, I don't. Doing very well, very well, yep.
I've had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me.
Mine too.
I am an art-adorer! I adore art.
I don't know.
All right, forget that idea, it's not for you....Okay, okay, I got it. You run an antique store.
What's Yo-yo Ma?
No, no that's ah, that's pie country.
yeah, Kramer, we're, uh, kind of in the middle of something here. We're trying to do a little work..
(Daring) You think you could? 
It looks like it hasn't been washed.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. I don't think we're gonna have any problem with that. (chuckles nervously) Good talking to you Tom. Really.
(Runs over to him, not wanting him to leave) What? You're going?
Well, it's a tough decision. I have to wear these every day. I'm deciding on a new face.
Hi, nice to meet you.
...and, and 'maybe' she'll see me when she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me?
Pouty? I like that.
(happy) Oh! Okay.
Yeah, I told her how toilet paper hasn't changed in my lifetime, and probably wouldn't change in the next fifty thousand years and she was fascinated, fascinated!
I don't like it, it's red. It it's too flashy.
This line is huge.
Well, Jerry doesn't want anyone to know.
No, no, no, I don't want to carry it around all night. I'll pick it up later.
Have you seen Jerry? (sitting beside Elaine) I told him two o'clock.
If she'd just take a plane somewhere.
Hi. I'm ah, I'm here to see a Mr. Art Vandelay..
Food was good.
Maybe it's some small thing I could change. Like a moustache. Or wearing a top hat, or a monocle, or a..or a cane.
After dark? Please. At their age, that's like swallowing stun grenades.
Right! And these pigeons broke the deal. I will not accept the blame for this!
No!
Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating.
Hey, Jerry, remember Frogger? I used to be so into this game. Gettin' that frog across the street was my entire life.
You don't have to pay for the massage?
My god!!!
Why don't you just commit yourself already?
Colin O'Brien.
I might.
They'll call back.
Yes. Well...
King Edward. (snapping his fingers) King Edward, Jerry. 
Who's Bozo? Bozo the Clown, that's who Bozo is. When I was a kid, Bozo the Clown was the clown, bar none.
What does the chaperone do?
Always.
Really? I never heard of a semi (the 'i' sounds like an 'e') tractor-trailer. (Jerry nods in agreement)
Just enjoying watching you.
No, an old friend of ours, Gary.
(to Kramer) What about your stuff?
My in-laws. Oh, my....
And, it is all because of that car...
Because, if you ever see her and it comes up, we have to be in sync. Hmm?
Hup, here we go. Here we go.
Well, that's really not fair. 
(Reluctantly) Well, okay.
Elaine, when a woman makes a Ball Entrance.. she twirls.
So, you need me to get fired.
Percentage?
Dad, the hinges are all rusted here. That's why the wind keeps blowing the door off.
What are you kidding? We look great! You know what this pudding needs? The skin on the top, you know like your mother used to make it on the stove.
Yeah. (Points to two open seats in front of Jerry's. To Nina) Sit down there. (Sees Jerry in the crowd) Hello, Jerry. (Obviously angered at Jerry) I believe you know Nina.
Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were almost my, uh... OK, I gotta go.
Hey, at least I was a camp waiter.
(yells) I didn't tattle
He's a sports writer for the daily news. I find him very insightful...
Yeah I'm, eh, in 'the market'.
Excuse me, where are we?
And people come in the store and you get involved in their lives.
All right, come on, come on, let's go. Six dollars.
Yeah, they eh, they do a lot of baking up there.
Care to make it interesting? 
She made a big breakfast every Sunday. I don't know what she put in those eggs.
You hear the way he talks to me?
Look at this. There's no spaces here. (to another car) Excuse me, are you gettin' out?
He's getting phone calls here now? (he's standing near the counter and eating chips out of a big bag)
You faked?
Wha - what are you doing later?
Yeah! Yeah.
I had a job interview. 
Why don't you just get some Ring Dings from the liquor store?
I'm excited about the pouty.
Oh, thank you.
All right. Don't change me. Susan. Don't change me. Ya know there are a lot of woman that would love to be in your position right now.
No problem here.
You put a hot tub... in your living room?
Isn't that that Bania guy?
Where did you get that from?
You know what? I think this Ruthie Cohen gave me the wrong change. Didn't I pay with a twenty? I'm sure I paid with a twenty.
...See, Steinbrenner is like the first guy in, at the crack of dawn.  He sees my car, he figures I'm the first guy in...  
(distracted) Mm? (acknowledges Katy) Oh, hi. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We met uh, skiing that time. You're uh, married to the eye guy.
Okay. Now, why do I have to see (points) you?
(adamant) Ah, c'mon! I'm telling you, I can coach for the NFL. It's not that hard
It happens.
(taking out wallet) Well, let me. Heh. Let me just eh.. check an', make sure I have the right man--ha! Heh, heh, heh! Seems--oh! I, oh! (has conveniently dropped the photo into her view)
Well, actually you did miss one nugget of entertainment. (Pause) Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult. 
They asked you to do career day?
(pointedly) She could do a lot worse than Mr Peanut, my friend.
Shadow!
I'm getting nothing.
Double jump! Eat the fly! Eat it!
Just inch over. You worm your way.
All right, All right, all, right!!( gives the headphones to Kramer) How you gonna find out who this is?
 Oh no you didn't.  Get out, when?
Who's Sid?
Really?
You know Keith, what I've always wondered, with all these ball clubs flying around all season don't you think there would be a plane crash? ...
I'm Colin O'Brien.
What? I'm not married. I'm not allowed to go out with somebody else?
Hey, you know what else is playing here? ``Rochelle Rochelle''.
In the whole world right now, there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think, on this entire planet, that you're one of those three?
Yes, they are bold. Jerry, what do you think?
You know what? I could probably do this. What's the difference. 
Kramer, what's the name of the store with the mannequin? 
With the orange hair, and the big clown shirt with the ruffles...
Can she talk?
(to Jerry, yelling) You told her? She's not your wife!
To be polite. I rest my case.
...Then, the last person to leave is Wilhelm.  He sees my car, he figures I'm burning the midnight oil.  Between the two of them, they think I'm working an 18 hour day! (he stands there with his hands on his hips, a wide grin - laughing.)
Movies. I like to watch movies. 
Susan Davis? (Getting possessive) Hey, wait a second..
(pulls a face) I find it disorienting. Who buys an umbrella anyway? Y..you get 'em for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans.
She'll Twirl.
That's dynamite. Yeah, I'll look for the Chinese food leftovers.
(Trying to keep his voice down) I think you've done a lot more than talk! You betrayed me!
(pleading) Alright..
(Mocking, skeptic) Yeah, you show us the 900. 
Well, you know, I've been lyin' about my income for a few years. I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
It was a fat camp. Those kids depended on me.
(MUMBLING) You come to a parking lot, you write it down. How hard is that?
Lot of good ones. I don't even want to mention anyone because I'm afraid I'm going to leave somebody out.
Which market, the, eh, big one, the big market, the big board. Bull market, bear market, you name the market, I'm there.
Are we really doing this?
Why not?
I know!
A hundred dollars. 
No, no I don't think so.
Let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt?
Yeah. Yes! I just haven't seen you in a long time.
What? I'm comfortable.
Really?
Boy you are really smitten. 
He's a jerk. (nudges to his right but no one is there)
Good. Of course... 
Hey, Ring Dings are better than anything you're gonna get at a bakery.
(to Kramer) You got a job?
I had no idea.
Is that tolerable?
Whoop! Too late. I think he picked up the scent.
I never heard of that.
What?
Hey.
Nose. (chuckles) What's the worst that can happen to a nose? What does it get? Stuffed? (chuckles)
(dismissive) It's no good.
It's something . It's hope.
(humble) Well, if you must know, shhhe, was my fianc&eacute;e, Susan. May she rest in peace.
It was more like a full bodied dry heave set to music.
Oh with all due respect, I went there too, and I work for a team that just won the World Series.
Hey.
That is what Mr. Steinbrenner wants. He wants, everyone, ta, twirl around.
Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together?
Ah, beat it, punk.
Right, your friend Roy.
There was an incident. I'd rather not discuss it.
 I don't believe it.
What do you mean?
I'd love to go. Make an appointment.
Excuse me Ms. which street are we on?
Blackberry, Boysenberry ...
Depends on what?
I wouldn't mind seein' <that>.
Alright, maybe four.
You think?
He was definitely sniffing.
No. I wouldn't even have to tell her. I could surprise her. 
He had a TV show! He had cartoons!
You're calling her?
You don't think I can keep a secret?
I'm not gonna watch you do laundry.
Oh yeah, you were right. She's gorgeous.
(to Jerry) Oh, get outta here.
Do they pay people to watch movies? 
I don't know.. you and Susan Davis?
(Outraged) 'That's all'?! That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for anyway!
Jerry! Stop it!
Hey!
Hey.
What do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness?
What, you didn't wash all day?
Who do I like? I, like, uh, Art, Vandelay.
They wish. I hate the big broker-houses. Hate them with a passion. Big broker-houses killed my father.
But if you think about it...26 teams, 162 games a season, you'd think eventually an entire team would get wiped out.
I know, but antiques are very popular right now.
The show! Forget about the show! We should take the idea to a different network
Well I think I'm better off going one-on-one.
Jerry said he didn't like it.
Yeah. The *original*.
Oh, *please*! Me? C'mon! That's *great*! Are you kidding? I think thats fan*tastic*! I've always encouraged experimentation! I'm the first guy in the pool! Who do you think you're talking to?
Yeah.. may - maybe I'll meet ya?
Cold? How are you going to do that? You're not one of those guys. 
All right. All right.
Why shave every day? It just grows right back.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. It's from that grapefruit that Jerry squirted at me.
Hello?
I've coupled! I've coupled!
It's bad?
What?
(shaking hands) I'm George.
What, you mean you know about this?
Smile. 
Gone. (Moves over to a chair in the living room. Kramer takes the carton of food to the table, and begins eating) The tenant association made me give it to this guy because he was an Andrea Doria survivor..
Oh Oh, here, lemme uh...
Hey! Uh--listen--did you get your--uh--boss's Knick ticket, for Kramer?
(jokingly) You are still paying for this lunch?
I don't understand women.
If anything happens here, can I count on you?
Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in like 10 years.
I don't think we should see each other anymore. You're great but I'm I'm riddled with personal problems.
Some other time.
 Mark, is this true?
What, do you pay him for that?
I just got fired.
Clock over there. (to chauffer) O'Brien.
You don't know?
Huckleberry, Raspberry...
What are you, Crazy? I can't ask the guy for more cigars after you burned down his cabin!
Like what?
So what's your point?
I don't want to walk that far.
How hard could it be? You make a little contribution, you have a ceremony. I am going to think about this. I am really going to think about this. 
Wait a minute, Rinitze? Don't they have somme really cool suits in there? 
You know, when I was a kid, we didn't have these elaborate birthday parties w-with catered food and entertainment. I remember my 7th birthday party...
Hey, did you know that the Yankees don't wear cotton jerseys?
Take the suit.
(to Jerry, as Jerry nods in agreement) You know I think she might have something there.
You don't trust my poker face?
Come on, I'm tired.
Hey, how ya doing?!?
Ahh, ladies, please, please. (chuckles)
That's true. 
Awright, listen, can you uh, gimme a lift back to my place?
Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. What do I care? I'm finished. (Really depressed) It's all over for me. In fact, let's end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow and put it over my face.
What checks?
Tennis courts? W-w-what about the yard? Where do they have the gang fights?
So eh, what do you say?
Nothing. Uh, I don't know. I gotta go.
You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!
I can't take it anymore! I'm going to work! ARe you happy now?! (Gathers his things, and runs out of the coffee shop. Elaine and Jerry laugh hysterically)
Hey, look at this. This is the same massage chair we're gettin' for Joe Mayo, $60 cheaper.
Then why don't you try and get him another job?
And you don't have to pay.
I'm wearing some cologne, all right?
He's an obscure writer. Betnik, on the village.
Well, they hurt him bad. Really hurt his feelings. It's a long story. I- I don't like to talk about it, but I swore then that I would never work for big broker-houses. See, all they care about is money. I'm about more than money, I'm about people, always gone my own way and I've never looked back.
What did you put the Pez dispenser on her leg for in the first place?
Oh yeah, like you know.
It was a good idea. Susan liked it. Now, if he hadn't vomitted all over her, we'd be writing it right now.
By the way, you owe me seven fifty.
She might not be comfortable.
No, you said you didn't like it...
Of course you do... It's just, uh, y'know, I-I never *knew*, uh, that, uh...
The doc called and said the lab's backed up and now I'm not gonna get the results for another two days.
(Mutters) Oh.. okay.. talk to you later.
They're not mocked and humiliated when they get to the other side. 
(to Kramer) It's a funeral procession. . . . (to Elaine) And I got news for you. I show up with Ring Dings and Pepsi, I become the biggest hit of the party. People be coming up to me, 'just between you and me I'm really excited about the Ring Dings and the Pepsi. What are we, Europeans with the Beaujolais and Chardonnay . . .
I'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself. If those kind of superficialities are important to you, this probably isn't gonna work.
I'll have the tuna.
Well this worked out okay. So are you going to see the police woman?
What?
Yeah, he once bumped into reverend Yung Sun Moon.
Yeah, yeah. You must have squirted a piece of pulp in it too.
He uh...doesn't have any running water?
Hey Elainie. What's going on?
This is totally different! That was my secret, this is Jerry's secret! There's...there's attorney-client priveleges here! If I play it by your rule, no one'll ever confide in me again, I'll be cut out of the loop!
Hey, hey, let's not get so defensive here. This is a give and take process.
There putting in a lost and found because of me. There's a time limit but still.
What do you mean?
Well, sometimes you can't help these people 'til they hit rock bottom.
Yeah.
Oh! Great!
Do you think it might be possible to add a little shelf like, uh, for an alarm clock?
Dad, what's all this?
If we decide to go at it.
The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella...just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...
T-bone steak.
We have a, three-o'clock appointments.
Nothing It's not you. It's me. I have a fear of commitment. I don't know how to love.
How many people does he do that for?
Sorry we're late.
How come you don't know what street are you on?
Strawberry, Cranberry ...
Kramer, please.
No. Semi-daily. Four or five times a week.
(George is telling a story. Karen is laughing and she seems to be the only one to find him funny) So I go into this clothing store and the saleswoman is wearing this (whistling) low cut thing. So I said to her: 'Can I ask you a question? When you put on a top like that, what's your tought process? What's going on in your mind?' 
Really? My father has a ton of old clothes just sitting up in the attic, y-you think they're worth something?
Well, what is that? That's a crime! Do you know how hot those things get? They should be wearing cotton.
Yes, full. I love to be full ... love to sit back, loosen the old belt and digest away for hours. Let those enzymes do their work.
(shamefaced) No.
(panicking) Right, I knew I felt something!
See now this I don't get.
Hey.
(almost gleeful) After Dinkins lost the election, he had a complete nervous breakdown. They had to lock him up.
(to Jerry) You watch the old videos. (insistent) I'm telling you, look at him.
Right. 
Awright, I'll see you later.
What are ya doing?! Whadya, crazy?!
Hmm. What about a hole? You ever put anybody in 'the box'?
Ok, we got your...got your strawberries, your chocolate sauce, your pastrami on rye with mustard, your honey...
Hey (sees the coffee stain) Art Garfunkel?
It's an expression.
I'll have 'em overnight it.
Hey! George and Janet.
Venetian Blinds.
What kind of a sick impulse does that??
Oh, well I didn't know you went into Queens Jerry.
Behind the dugout, are you kidding? How did you get them?
Anyway.
(singing) Oh hey, if you happen to see the most beautiful girl who walked out on me. Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her I need my baby ... oh won't you tell her ... I love her. Oh hey, ...
No, I don't have any change.
There you go.
What do you mean?
Oh, my God.. (Buries his face into his hands)
Can you believe that guy?
Wait a minute Jerry, there's a bigger issue here. If you go through that wall and become one of those guys I'll be left here on this side. Take me with you. 
I'm gonna go with you. I gotta get a new suit. I got a second interview with MacKenzie, and I think I'm really close. They're all taking me out to lunch on Friday. 
Take it easy. Take it easy. It's not the end of the world.
Jerry? I have to tell you something. This is the dullest moment I've ever experienced. 
I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.
Pulp can move, Baby! Why didn't you eat a real breakfast?
Ha, Yeah right, hang on, I'll ah, I'll get her for you. he, he, he, he. Seriously, what's up?
What? Is that bad?
(explaining, with lots of hand gestures) Okay, look. We've never worked together on a lie. Now, you don't understand how I work. I have a certain way of working. Jerry and I have worked together a few times. He knows how I work. It's not a personal thing, y'know? We're just trying to come up with the best possible lie. That's what this is all about.
Yeah. I am like a drug dealer. I got the guy hooked. I am having lunch at his desk everyday this week. He doesn't make a move without me. It's very exciting.
I don't know. I don't think you're anything.
Hey, you gotta take a ride with me later. I borrowed my father's car. '68 GTO.
Mmm.
Woo! Courtside! (mock-snide) Is that the best you could do? Ha ha!
Like this.
I'm starving. You got any of those free donuts you use to soften people up? 
I have to get in touch with Tatiana! And look at his little outfit. It's all so coordinated, the way his socks matching to his shirt. I really hate this guy.
Well, I am just a T-bone kinda guy. Love that T-bone. In fact, you might as well call me--
My hand is out.
What? Did you get the busboy's number?
No, no,
Uh, it's only a matter of time.
Oh thank you.
Kramer, I can't help you. You're gonna have to get them some place else.
Implied.
No! No. It's not good, I don't think so.
So, uh, how long has this been going on?
All right, I gotta get going. My parents are expecting me.
(knocks on the window) Hey, why are all those people milling around my car?
(to Jody) You're listening to this? 
What happens if the husband dies after the wife, who brings in the clothing in then?
I don't know. That's all gonna change.
Where you going?
Ok, ok, fine! It's changed, it's not really the point. Anyway, I'm thinking of making a big move.
The security guard.
I had a fight with Susan.
I think he should wear whatever tie he wants.
(scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports,...movies. What about a talk show host? 
(Talking about his would-be apartment) You could fit 15 people in that bathroom..
This prison stinks.
You see what just happened here?
Keys. I can't find my keys.
You're selling computers?
Someday, before I die, mark my words - I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.
Oh yeah yeah, don't you know they used pastrami in that movie 9? weeks? Remember the pastrami scene?
Right.
(Trying to whisper to Jerry) Look, we are gonna settle this right now! I demand reparations! I should get to sleep with Elaine. That's the only way to punish you!
It doesn't matter if it's more comfortable. It's wrong.
How are they gonna make that book into a movie?
Yeah.
It's this way... AND THEY TAKE OFF AGAIN, PAIRING OFF:
What's that?
This woman left this really sexy message on Jerry's tape recorder......
Could anybody do that?
All my life I've dreamed of sitting front row, behind the dugout!
Black and white?
What?
Or, I could take the twenty, then I could pay *you* later.
Yeah. Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since.
Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?
Come on you're... uh... you're fine.
He just walked away! And once again I'm standing here like a little man. Well not this time! (George leaves the store and follows the dog owner) You! Dog man!
What are you going to say? 
All right. All right. (They both leave) 
(to Mickey) Can't you just switch with another Midget?
Nah, I have asthma. (Robin's kid grabs George's leg from under the table, and George struggles.)
That won't be necessary.
Okay. 'Breakfast At Tiffany's.' (Begins to read, but gradually his attention is drawn to the TV Guide on the end table. George realizes there's a show on he wants to see by looking at his watch, and doesn't start the book.)
Heh heh heh hey, new suit (raises coffee cup as a salute / toast)
I need a break, Jerry, you know. I gotta get out of the city. I feel so cramped...
Why not?
Wait a minute. I must have been winking down at the office. That's why Mr. Wilhelm was acting so mysteriouso.
Medium turkey chili.
Susan, why?
Oh-ho, yeah?
Alright?
Look...
So let me ask you a question about the tip jar. I had a little thing with the calzone guy this week. I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way. And then when I am leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing. I mean if they don't notice it what's the point.
Those are Susan's friends.
During that period when my folks were separated he went a little crazy.
(To Jerry) Jerk off.
Look at all of those! You're rich!
What?
Thanks. You know this could sound crazy but, what do you think about adding a drawer for - like a blanket?
(Getting up, he addresses Jerry) All right, remember: no rust-proofing. Commit to nothing. If you have to speak - mumble. 
How did you get all this?
I love the chop sticks. I, I personally prefer a fork but they look very nice.
Prognosis Negative! (in a funny voice)
Thank you very much. Dylan?
(Getting up) You know what? Maybe I should take off.
There might be some moisturizer.
Ssssso, after me, you... went that way?
I think I'll have a piece of cake.
Hey, did you see that whale thing on TV last night?
(pondering) Yes I suppose they do.
Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll shut 'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I would love it!
Why shouldn't I?
You're fresh (grabs her arm) You're very fresh. You seem very fresh to me. You're very vital. I couldn't take you any fresher.
I might tell her that I love her. I came this close last night, then I just chickened out.
Why does he have to stand?
Oh...(is about to tell Jerry, but reconsiders) ...clothing, something, I dunno. So, uh, what are you doing today?
The whole time that I was growing up, all I ever heard from my mother was 'Why can't you be more like that Lloyd Braun?'
I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host. 
She treated me to the Arabian mocha java.
Have you seen 'em?
(smiling) Uh, hi. Uhm, remember me? I..I'm the guy who looks like Neil?
Dad, you know what it takes to compete with Microsoft and IBM?
I still won't be able to forgive myself - but at least it won't be about this.
Well, maybe it was Ghostbusters? Where ever it was, it worked!
(Losing it) Funny guy!
Because important things go in a case. You got a skull for your brain, a plastic sleeve for your comb, and a wallet for your money.
I don't know her.
Yeah?
Why is what I do is so important? Why must I be always the focal point of attention? Let me just be, let me live.
What??
What are we gonna tell her?
Why didn't you just say that?
They wanna have another meeting? They wanna buy it?! They wanna but it?! Oh! I tell you! We're gonna be rich!! What are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand?
Might be easier.
Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
What about me? I was a total failure. Everything was fine. Now this thing's gonna be a success and God's gonna give me a terminal disease.
This is my ketchup. I bought this ketchup just so I could have as much as I want.
(laughing) You think you're going to the other side with 'Hi'? You're not going to make it. 
What?!
I love these people, you can't ask 'em questions. (getting excited) They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. (worked up) When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
You enjoying yourself? (More laughs from Elaine) 
I want your honest opinion about something.
Hu, oh. No he thought I was hiding something from him about Morgan.
I didn't get any bread.
Oh, I don't think you want to do that.
(curious) Bald? Uh?
Okay.
Hey, buddies.
Not bills.
Well...I'll ask Susan about it later.
(pause) Uh-oh.
Blanket.
Don't think it can't happen! (Leaves) 
This guy's giving me the stare-ahead.
Excuse me, did you say 'Raymond'?
I have a fear of intimacy
I think he was impressed.
This is incredible! This is one of the greatest things I've ever done in my life! I'm gonna call my mother.
Look at where we are! (referring to the seat usher) He's not stopping! He just keeps going and going and going! (the usher abruptly stops at the second row) We're not in the first row?
Well, you know, I gotta go to, uh, Susan's parent's house for dinner.. and, you know, I want to shower first.. and I want to leave myself plenty of time.
(Pause) Yeah.
No, I got my own place.
Oh, I think that's fantastic. Good for you. Nice. That's very nice.
Look, we're not gonna be that long anyway... we have to get to the 'party'!
Hey, there's a guy up the roof.
He massacred you. 
Well nothing. I didn't actually say that. (Karen is still laughing) 
I am such a Huge whale fan. These marine biologists were showin' how they communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals, what a fish!
Yap..
(grabbing his jacket) Hey oo, I just remembered uh my parents really wanna have you guys over for dinner before you leave town. What about tonight?
I don't think we should. We really don't know each other very well.
(takes a large bite - with his mouth still full, his speech is muffled) Oh, this is fabulous.
I have to say, as a glasses wearer I take exception to that. That's like me buying a wheelchair to cruise around in.
Fifty-fifty.
But I mean look at him. He's gotta be on his feet like that all day? That's brutal. I think I'm gonna say something to your uncle.
Lena, how'd you meet her?
Right, gotta get going.
This is gonna be fun.
Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start? 
I'll tell ya, if I ever get out of here, I'm gonna change my life. I'm gonna do a whole Zen thing. Take up yoga, meditate.. I'll eat right. Calm down, lose my anger.. (Sees Jerry and Elaine aren't listening. He snaps) Hey, is anybody listening?!
How do you know?
Thanks, Warden.
She's stickin' it to me that she makes more money than me.
So, she's the loser of the group. Every group has someone that they all make fun of.. Like us with Elaine. (Jerry thinks about this, then shakes it off)
Dammit!
Huh-Hi. (looks around a little) Uhm, is Neil here?
No.
Elaine, you have to sleep with me.
I need everything in there.
Kramer, what are you talking about...Janet doesn't look anything like Jerry
Oh.
Uh, no. No, we shouldn't.
(Putting his jacket on) I'd like to apologize. I want to tell him I.. I.. didn't mean to get him in trouble.
I didn't take it, yet.
I thought you meant the..
No, don't say a word. If she thinks my friends are jerks, then I'm a *jerk*...
Tell her about the shoving.
Oh yeah, real cool. You're a cool guy.
Oh, it's gotta be fifty! Hee hee! You know how much Ted Danson makes, huh?
[trying to act as if he doesn't care one way or the other, but we know better] Either way.
(tasting the wine) Excellent. Like I really know what I'm talking about.
What if the pilot gets picked up and it becomes a series?
The guy playing Kramer threatened me.
It's like some pod landed from another planet and took your body. Don't fall asleep Elaine. 
Hey, hey, hey! You don't call me back?!
Boy, she is nice. I like her, I like her Jerry. She's got substance. She oozes substance.
I can't believe- (falls on his knees) WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS!
(singing) 'Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open palm/Tells a saucy talk/Loves to make a stir/Everyone appreciates a...'
(wiping the area with a hand) People think they're so important...
You see. You see! Listen when is your next drawing class? 
No, you haven't. Well, maybe you have. What do I know.
Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.
Well what would be the point of that?
Loves bald? (laughs) Wow. Who uh, who is she?
Good.
Oh yeah.. (Starts to open it) Sally called Susan - said you guys really hit it off.
Good....good day (not too convincing) You?
Beautiful women. You know they could get away with murder. You never she any of them lift anything over three pounds. They get whatever they want whenever they want it. You can't stop them.
( to Jerry) What about the letter, should I think about the letter?
She doesn't Want to talk, she needs to talk.
Maybe like this.
Look at me! I am man! I am you!
But, uh, Raymond is a man.
Nothing. It's not YOU..
Let's go, people, let's go! It's Prognosis Negative time, wa ha ha ha!!!
Out of the question. Out of the question!
I dunno, I'm in a limo. (dials) Hello ma? It's me. Guess where I am. In the back of a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop it? Alright, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you! How's this? I'm *never* telling you! I don't care! No! Fine! Never!!
She said first row! Right behind the dugout!
I think we got a bite on it. (Exits)
What?
Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast, I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast.
Oh, I, uh--
He's right! It's the same thing with the femenists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
Uuh, no, no.
Oh well, I hope he doesn't jum...
You look like you're five years old. 
Sweetheart, I was exaggerating. 
Whatever. (George looks to the table) Hey new tape recorder?
Yea they're making Paella.
I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.
Aw, I've just got to say it once, everybody else gets to say it, why can't I say it?
Aren't you concerned about the security guard?
You met her a few weeks ago, but...?
Nah, I gotta deliver some Christmas presents to my parents.
Ah, that is disgusting--
You can't just walk into a building and say ' I wanna be a talk show host.' 
(Panicky) Uh, yeah. You know, Doctor, I gotta tell you, I feel a lot better.
He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?
51 people?! That's it?! I thought it was, like, a thousand!
Betsy.
No, not nice. She's stickin' it to me.
Are you looking deep down at the real person underneath?
I got up, I was supposed to go to work, I came here instead.
Oh, that's too bad. I kinda wanted to meet him, seeing as how we look so similar.
She tolerated the strawberries and the chocolate sauce, but eh, it's not a meal, you know? Food and sex, those are my two passions. It's only natural to combine them.
Reparations!
I might go there.
No..hummm, What do you know about what you look like.
All right, he's letting you in. Thank you! Creep.
Yeah, I want to see if there's anything I can do.. maybe get him another job.. maybe I'll hear of something.
Let's see if it's Hayman?
What's casus belli.
You are?
I'll bet you, how much?
I didn't say 'We're Ted Danson.'
So... Can I have it?
My parents? They don't know *what's* goin' on...
Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about. God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.
'cause I asked him about the raisins.
Next Friday, what time?
Whoa, look at this. This is a beautiful suit. Huh? 
...Huh?
You mean a walk back in? That's the toughest move in the business. You're sending me out into no-man's-land, and if I get shot down I have to crawl all the way back. Well I can't do it! I can't do it, I tell ya!
'Cause it's signals, Jerry, it's signals! (snapping his fingers) Don't you- all right. Did she even ask you, what you were doin' tomorrow night, if you were busy?
Oh, it's from Les Miserables. I went to see it last week. I can't get it out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. It just comes out. I have no control over it. I'm singin' it on elevators, buses. I'm singin' it in front of clients. It's taken over my life.
All right, I want you to do me a favor. 
All right. Okay, tell me what you think about this idea: Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium all the way to the floor.
Yeah.
$2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
Where did this come from all of a sudden?
(taken aback) The actress?
Okay. How about this?
Very nice
Without thousands of fleeing Japanese.
Who would Want to. She tried to end it with me, Jerry.
Yeah, like that.
(singing) Meet the Mets...
I can't get a massage from a man.
The truth. you want the truth? It is your earrings It is the chopsticks but it's so much more. You're pretentious. You call everyone by their full name You call my doorman, Sammy, 'Samuel' but you didn't even say 'Samuel' You went 'Sam - U- EL' Papie-eh Mach-eh What is Papie-ay Mach-ay?
Can't go, Why not?
Hey, hey! We're discussing something!
No! I'm not gonna do that! That's one step away from personal ads! And prostitutes! No! No, I am not going down that road! What does she look like?
Can he hear us?
I was all primed for the first row; I was gonna put my feet up on the dugout!
Ah, no, no. Are you sure? A girlfriend?
What are you doing here? I thought you said you hated Isabella's?
It's a foreign movie... a *film*, is what it is, actually.
Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.
(In a really strange way) Good, good, do that.
My car! My caaaaarrrr!
You've got to start seeing someone else. Get out of this relationship. 
Once, to a dog. He licked himself and left the room.
La-la-la...
(Thinking to himself) She's not concerned about the security guard. What kind of a person is this? I'm marrying a person who doesn't care that this man has to stand here 8 hours a day when he could easily be sitting.
So, uh...wanna double?
Why d'you think I'm going now?
She's a pig. The woman's a pig, what wrong with her--
It's all politics. 
Smoking.
(Getting in a more panicked state) Oh God, Mommy!
(dryly) You're on that list.
That's no tragedy! How many people do you lose on a normal cruse? 30? 40?! Kramer, can I take a look at that book? (Starts walking tward the door. Kramer grabs his food, and follows)
Well, let's just say it wouldn't exist without me. (Notices another person in the library dressed the same as Celia.) So you two uh, shop at the same store, (hu)?
(worked up) Stickin' it to me, Jerry.
(Changing subject) Hey, I htink I may have found someone for the scholarship.
(disappointment) Oh. Course not.
Oh, you're in here.
...meet the Mets. Come on in and greet the Mets.
Well actually I'm...
Jerry, I'm not suggesting getting rid of the girl. She's integral.
(Loud, so everyone at the wedding can hear) You slept with the groom?!
All right, just gimme that. And gimme some of those Sweet & Lows.
(nervous) All right now we're going bye bye.
What are they gonna do?
Is it about me?
How'd you get that?
It's Martine. I think he's dying. He tried to kill himself with pills.
No! Tell her.
You've got a bet.
Oh!
Whaddya mean, you'll ``get'' the popcorn and the soda?
I do for the bad things.
Oh yeah.
That's my whole afternoon! I was going to look for sneakers.
You know it's like you never see a really attractive woman getting a traffic ticket. 
Hmm, what's he doin' in the city today?
And then assuming the strike is resolved, on April 14th, we, ah, play the Angels. So let's clear a floor at the Anaheim Hotel.
She calls you today and she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? It's Saturday night!
Artie Schuman? From Camp Hatchapee?
(regarding the menu) What're you getting?
My father opened his shirt...
I want you to find out is she likes me. 
It's good, right?
It's an inter-office envelope. It get passed around all over the office.
Yes, please.
I really think I should have been consulted about this.
You're friends with Marisa Tomei?
(pleased with himself) You are having problems with your boyfriend and I am meeting you to discuss the situation.
(inhales deeply) I tell you, Jerry, I'm feeling something. Something I haven't felt in a long time.
Alright, I gotta go home and open up with the house for the carpet cleaners. You know they're doing my whole place for twenty-five dollars.
I told her I was out o' soda, I went out to get some, an' I never went back.
I don't have a spare set. All my keys say 'do not duplicate'.
That is what I want.
All right! We're here!
What, are you crazy? I can't have a man touching me. Switch with me.
I, I think I made my point. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.
I thought Kramer was watching.
Thinking? Nothing. What could I possibly be thinking?
Told you.
What are you? A *baby*!? All right. Tell her.
How good looking?
I thought I saw him look in the mirror suspiciously.
Oh, there's better, (pointing at the row in front of them) right there, that's better.
Ohh, I have tremendous respect for people who work with feet. I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot - you're toiling in virtual anonymity. I mean..
Would you believe my luck? The first time in my life I have a good answer to the question, 'What do you do?' and I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that question. That's what you say in order to get girlfriends. Once you can get a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend, you just want more girlfriends.
What happened to the auto show?
No, of course not...
No, no, no... Just a *tiny* bit... It's not even *frontal* nudity. It's... *sidal* nudity...
Oh, no, nothing.
Well, you gotta do it. 
Hey.
You think so? 
You didn't ask him?
Well, I heard a noise.
I'm outta there. I did it! It's over.
Here ... something.
Well, I just had a fight - I need a group dynamic.
Hey, Mr Lazzari.
It's disgusting--
This could have been a huge mistake. 
Yes, she hates cigarettes.
(Relieved) I haven't? I'm okay? I'm okay? Oh, thank you, thank you, Doctor! I don't know how to thank you.
Oh my God...You're in jail? (Celia nods.) That is so cool!
(angry) Stickin' it!
I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers.. finally, this kid walks in - Steven Koren - a regular guy.. likes sports.. watches T.V..
I knew you had an appointment.
There was no meeting. (gets one of the folding chairs) But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.
Little Rock, Arkensas.
Hey, speaking of which, I found a great way to separate the skin from the top of the pudding without leaving any around the edges; Exacto knife.
So she coughed.
Well,,, it's getting dark.
It'll take to long.
Oh!, he he, It was unbelievable
Right out of the clear blue sky?
Gee, Kramer, I uh...I don't know what to say.
How much do you tip a chamber maid?
Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it.
Alright, look, you want to be in? 
I tell you what, you give me the twenty, and I will buy *you* a popcorn and soda, and I'll throw in a bon-bons.
Oh, come on, it's five minutes.
What?
I don't know.
Well I've never met your sister but obviously these are not hard-and-fast rules. (to the waitress) Darling, the tea is getting a little cold sweetheart. 
Why? 
(suspicious) You didn't say hello?
Ade, you're a wonder. (he he -- george laughs)
What is that? It's ridiculous! You don't even know what hotel she's staying at, you can't call her. That's a signal, Jerry, that's a signal! (snaps his fingers) Signal!
What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you callin' me an idiot?
She invites me up at twelve o'clock at night, for coffee, and I don't go up. 'No thank you. I don't want coffee. It keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee.' I said this to her. People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what she must think of me.
(nods to Kramer) Tell him, Kramer.
But she's gonna know that I like her more than she likes me. 
How ya doin'?
You do?
Yeah, like I'm going to risk my job with the New York Yankees to make a few extra bucks. (winks)
What?
(getting excited) That's, that's incredible. My Cousin Vinnie, I love her, she was fantastic!
(still pleased) She doesn't know that. We say that you do.
No. Autonomy, complete and total autonomy.
So you're buying the car back for your parents?
Yeah, I slept at my parents' house.
So you can't duplicate 'em.
(smiling) Listen, I..I..I don't mean to seem forward...
Whatever!!. . . . Oh oh oh this is unbelievable. This is better than my bed at home.
What's the difference, you're a woman. They're supposed to be touching you.
Can I uh, can I walk you back to work?
Well so what's the problem, you just put some newspaper down.
...Six wrong?
Oh, yeah, right. I wish I had something on my mind. (pregnant pause) So how about that Kramer, huh?
Do I really have to buy her something?
Really good looking?
Let's test him. Hey, driver. What do you say we stop off, pick up your sister, have a little fun back here? No, he can't hear us.
What?
Oh, uh, the cigars.. (Chuckles nervously) I'm, uh, suckin' 'em down. I'm puffing my brains out, yeah.
Well it's not fair, Jerry. It's just not fair. All right, all right. That's it. I'm getting out of this thing.
Absolutely...
Oh, that's me.
I can't tell you.
I know a little. Besides, what do you have to know?
Well um, what about tomorrow night?
You know, .. blah ...
I told her. In the kitchen ' which was risky 'cause it's near all the knives. I started with the word 'Listen.'
Yeah, yeah. Just delivering some presents to my folks.
Come on! Come-on.
(sighs) Guess not. What should I do? 
Really? (Realizes) Well, you don't think it had anything to do with what I said, do you?
Nooooooo......
Well...not 'out.' She's a prisoner.
(Defensively) He knows how to read. And he also knows finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. And get this: he's into architecture.
...but is there any way that I could possibly have Neil's phone number?
Its been a long night. You go home and get some sleep.
I'll leave when the guy comes in. I gotta tell you, I am loving this yada yada thing. You know, I can cross over my whole life story. (Picks up dental tool)
Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time, you know, uh. I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying 'Wow! Now that guy got canned!'
Well, I guess these would be out of the question. (pulls out two pudding skins in plastic bags.)
Everything goes with naked.
Hey, hey, hey! What's goin' on here? (To Jerry) You didn't agree to anything, did ya? 
Hey, it's George. Listen, I-
(Unsure) I don't a..
Yeah. I can't get over it.
Well, why didn't they ask me?
(amused) You're supposed to do that?
Should I give you my keys, is that the transaction, trading keys...? Because Elaine has my keys.
What, is that the one your parents gave you?
You gotta give us odds. At least two to one - you gotta put up two-hundred dollars. 
You go in and save seats.
Cheryl, Elaine, and uh, Jerry.
(gets up and picks a mirror) Yes. Yes, it's white. Why it's white.
That's what I'm trying to find out.
Can't hurt you. 
I do.
You really think this looks O.K. on me? 
Oh, Safire. Uh ha
Why was he wearing a cape?
Ade, I have to tell you, I, I have never met anybody so ... efficient.
Maybe I'm right? Of course I'm right.
Oh, Schumann. Of course.
She invited me up. Coffee's not coffee, coffee is sex.
Nice day today.
Well, I told it to Susan before, and she didn't like it.
(more excitement) You were gonna fix me up with her?
It's good. Believe me.
I wanna go to a tractor pull.
Oh, sure. Sure, anything. Can you believe it? There's nothing wrong with me.
So? For a twenty-five dollar cleaning, I can listen to some pointless blather.
Your parents'll never let you do it.
Ha! (snort) Can you believe it? (amused) I'm supposed to be havin' lunch with her right now at Pomodoro.
Ooh!
He'd just be touching your back too.
Oh, please ... ... four dollars is f...
You spritz a little Lysol on it.
Yeah, fun. IQ tests are totally bogus. They prove nothing.
They way he just says stuff.
What is that? Is that cashmere?
Uh, can we cut to the chase?
Would you take her out?
We'll ask him. (opens partition) My dear fellow, where are you dropping us?
I happen to dress based on mood.
Hi, how are you guys? Listen, does either one of you have like a mint or piece of gum or...
(Impersonating Carson) I didn't not know that. Weird. Wild. (Susan and George both laugh)
No, what?
My *father* is gay...
Yes, good to see you, too. And Good luck with, uh... with the whole thing, there.
Ok uh, I guess I'll tell them that.
Was my father wearing a cape?
From the bathroom.
I said, 'Listen Marlene,' and then the next thing I know, I'm in the middle of it. And there's this voice inside of me going, 'You're doing it! You're doing it!' And then she started to cry, and I weakened a bit. I almost relented, but the voice, Jerry, the voice said, 'Keep going, keep going. You're almost out!' It's like I was making a prison break, you know, and I'm heading for the wall, and I trip and I twist my ankle, and they throw the light on you, you know. So, somehow I get though the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. She's firing at me from the guard tower. 'Son of a bang! Son of a boom!' I get to the top of the wall ' the front door. I opened it up, I'm one foot away, I took one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped!
(waves his hands) Big breasts!
Eh eh eh, can't do it, can't do it, sorry, I got a date.
Yeah, eighty-three. Used to belong to John Voight.
Go back? 
You know, that, that thing about her being too good for him. I mean, I was just bein' folksy. They could tell I was just being folksy..?
It was fantastic, Jerry. We wound up talking all night.
Why not?
Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon you, my friends.
Yes. With a little guidance, Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real. That's my dream, Jerry.
That's what I want.
Hey, what this thing? Whew!
Ehh. (nostalgic) Remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled my feet in the soft-serve machine?
Pudding skin singles.
Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. Do you now how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?
(Aggravated) Well, I got screwed on the donuts. There were none left. Heh! 
Alright, well why don't we smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the nameplate to Ichabod Crane?
Look, I really appreciate your coming, but if you wouldn't mind - try not to say too much.
This woman drove us out of our minds
I'd rather go to a hanging.
I suppose I could.
Jerry, would you do me a favor, close the window.
All right, we'll be a little late, I,m not taking a cab.
Oh no no no, they don't want to join us.
Better get that checked out?
I can't tell you, don't ask.
The Indian? 
He can be pedantic. He can be pedantic.
I mean you're just, you're just a marvel of organization.
I know, I know. Listen, your stuff has to be done by now, why don't you just see if it's dry?
Really? (Jerry nods his head) Well, what if it doesn't stop? Oh, that I really needed to hear. That helps a lot! All right, just say something. Just start talking. Change the subject. Let's just go, All right? I can't believe we're having dinner with Alton Benes.
Coffee's coffee in the morning. It's not coffee at twelve o'clock at night.
I'm George. George Costanza, you live around here?
Yeah. Not only that, this is what she said to me, 'Can we change the subject?'
Just for these sponges?
(fever pitch) Marisa Tomei's sitting home, Elaine! Wh..why didn't you tell me that Katy was friends with Marisa Tomei?!
The dentist thing?
I am staying out all night!
Where are all the poetry magazines?
(Starting to panic again) What? Oh my God. What? Is it meningitis? Scoliosis? Lupis?! Is it Lupis?!
What kind of money you think your parents have?
So? What'm I gonna do?
Just dropped in for a visit. You, uh, you never called me back.
For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.
And so, for all these reasons, we are officially broken up. (shuts book and reaches for door) Thank you, (opens door) and good night.
Aww.
(getting up and leaving) Alright! That's it for me. Goodnight everybody.
I know. That's the point. If it's gonna get sexual, it should get sexual with you.
So we're not going?
Yeah. Yeah, he's quite a character.
Who doesn't like cashmere? Find me one person in the world that doesn't like cashmere. It's too expensive.
Yeah...
Oh, you hesitated.
Of course, the uh, the four passes. (closes partition) Four passes to Madison Square Garden? Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Of course! Chicago! The Knicks are playing the Bulls tonight!
Seemingly. Seemingly. But within that basic framework there are many subtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.
Why? What do you mean?
Alright, you're in for one-fifty. 
I know what the problem is - I like her too much. That's why I can't make a move.
[embarrassed pause] ``Rochelle, Rochelle''.
What did I get the veggie burger for? You got a veggie burger, so I had to get the veggie burger, I'm allover crums...
I'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun.
(quietly) Ya.
Huh... Cape... (turns, distracted, heads slowly towards door) What was a man with a cape doin' with my father?... What was my father doing with a man in a cape?... (opens door) Why a cape? Hmm! (exits)
You are gonna love this car. Even if you don't like Jon Voight.
Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating she's runnin to the bathroom.
Well, just tell Kramer to tell her.
Oh no no no, if you must know, I would rather be with her than go to the game.
Something like that.
Pretty chintzy, huh? Considering the money she makes.. She's a big executive for Federal Express.
You mean just walk into the staff meeting on Monday morning like it never happened? 
Totally folksy.
you know, just by conversing, you can really learn a lot about a person.
That was different!
I got another meeting with Reilly. A whole new audience, and I bet I can get him to try that line again.
Good morning Mr. Wilhelm.
Hey, Tim. Quick question. Is it normal for your teeth to make noises, like a hissing or a chirping?
All right. It's grovel time.
(To Jerry) Hey, gimme a dollar. 
I don't know.
She had this throaty , sexy kind of whisper.
Do you hear that?
Me?
It's not the money!
Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!
What kind of a therapist are you? I'm telling I'm scared that something terrible is gonna happen to me, right away you start looking for tumors?
Yes. Yes. You know what's interesting. The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is Bobby Hebert. No 'r' which I find fascinating. You know it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t, Hebert h-e-b-e-r-t. 'Hebert' it's a fun name to pronounce. Try and say it Hebert. Take a shot. All right. (check arrives) All right. I
It's like I'm thinking of something, and you're (snaps fingers) one step ahead of me.
So you lied to her?
Eh, there's that woman that never talks to anybody.
You're gonna overdry it.
Uh, no, I, I don't think so.
Yeah, he'll be looking at us like he's backstage at a puppet show.
Yeah, people who work at NORAD, who're on twenty-four hour missile watch. Everything was going along so great. She was laughing, I was funny... I kept saying to myself, 'Keep it up, don't blow it, you're doing great.'
I was throwing up all night. It was like my own personal Crying Game.
Right. I mean, we're on a subject. Why does it have to be changed?
Is that the lovely Mrs. Morgan?
Why? Why is my code so important?
I dunno.
Alright, the dentist thing was not good.
I wanna bite into a big hunk of cheese, just bite into it like it's an apple.
Yes. The New Yorker.
Why did you refuse the package. Everybody loves a package. 
My tonsils? Yeah, when I was a kid.
Hey.</font>
I bet they have more money than mine.
No. I like the ball! This is my One Chance to make a Great Entrance! My whole life! I have never made a great entrance!
Yeah.
(gestures towards book) But I proved it!
I would? What if something happens?
Oh. You still wanna go?
Oh I got it. (TO JERRY) That I'm supposed to remember. Where the car is, that's insignificant.
It varies.
About the pizza?
 How's it going?
Wow. Excuse me, Miss?
A lot of people say it.
No, something's off here, you hesitated.
We are going to the Knick game! Michael Jordan!
This is Morning Mist.
He started it.
Oh, right. Oh no, man.
Alright, now, how are we gonna monitor this thing? 
(as the others are repositioning the tables) No, no, you can't do that, they're round, it makes an 'eight' and, yeah, well alright.
Do we have to...?
Alright, but no later, because my parents are coming back. 
Come on. Ya wanna go get some lunch?
Ya.
What do you mean 'might'? You don't think he really owned this car?
Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm payin' for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet.
Oh, no no no no. Go ahead, Pop, you always knew your cars.
Just..go back. Pretend the whole thing never happened. 
Jerry, I like being with her. Plus, I know where she is all the time. I have relatively no competition. An-and you know how you live in fear of the pop-in?
What? Where are you going?
What are you up to now, uh, Step Nine?
(Talking it) I'm here helpin' you. 
Certainly not.
Oh! my God!!......You?.....You?...That was you?....
Oh, you do?
Yeah?
You had to move the mirror?
Alright, stop it Kramer, you're freakin' me out. (The waitress comes over.)
Oh, well, so what? Laughter - what is that? I mean, what is the point of opening your mouth and going 'Ha, ha!'? What is that? 'Ha, ha!'?
Hey, thanks for coming with me.
No!
$3.49? It says $1.49.
What are you like a sadist? No matter how bad somebody feels, you can make 'em feel worse. I bet you're rooting for a tumor. (pointing to her)
I saw Amy making out with your cousin Jeffrey.
No, Julie, Julie, don't insult me. You know, what difference does it make who pays for lunch. It's totally meaningless.
(coyly, he looks down and runs his finger along the top of the chair back in front of him) Do you, uh ... do you know what I'm ... thinking about now?
Every day she comes in, she sits at that table and reads. Never talks to anybody.
Why not?
(singing) : 'Master of the house/Keeper of the inn...' (Jerry re-enters the living room and modestly models his new jacket for George. George is impressed.) This is huge! When did this happen?
I can't call her now. It's too soon. I'm planning a Wednesday call.
(worried) Yeah, that's right. What if it's a genetic thing, like father like son?
Thanks, see you later, Donna.
That's exactly what I said, except I used the word 'momentum'.
Well I'm sure you have secrets from me. I don't know anything about your cycles.
I, uh...figure it's something. (Kramer enters.)
Really? Wow, you're quite the good son.
(after a moment's thought) Art Vandelay.
No, no. Forget it. I don't want it. Let's just get rid of it.
(grabs the phone quick) Got it, Got it,...Hello?
What do you think it's a bomb? 
Really?
This hat just bottles in the heat, I -I don't even need a coat! It's unbelievable!</font>
You think?
Listen to the comeback. (pleased) 'Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you.'
(admitting) All right..
Fine, I'll make an appointment. (He leaves)
So?
Well, then, I am gonna have to ask you to turn your key.
What if it felt good?
If you want.
Oh, the nose job. I don't know, what did you think?
 I can't believe what's happening here.  She hasn't taken her hands off me all night.  She was always friendly around the office, but that was it.
How come this sweater is only 85 dollars?
[Accusingly] What's *that*?
What about the body, what kind of body?
Did I tell you?! Did I tell you?!
Personally I'm a little nervous about going through these things. I'm afraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension.
Yeah, yeah. I see the irony. All right. What about this? What if I can find some way to break up with her so that she'll still like me and it doesn't affect the deal.
No! No.
Yeah, I feel like I've grown.
I'm not her boyfriend. I want to be her boyfriend.
We got a chocolate malt in here!
They are made from lycra-spandex.
Jody let's do this agian real soon (he tends his arms for a hug but she avoids him) 
Yeah, I'm gonna get a paper.
Well, why would the guy make up something like that? Of all the names he could pick, why settle on Jon Voight?
Let me digest it. Let me get my money's worth. Y'know what would be good is if there was someone else in the bathroom that could tell me.
Oh no, thank you.
What happened to you?
Birthday card?
No, no, she might just think it's a gift.
I was just blowin' off a little steam. So what? 
What?
Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, I noticed that you have a textbook on tape. May I ask where you got that?
You got bumped from career day?
Yeah, no pop-in, no 'in the neighborhood,' no 'I saw your light was on.' And the best part is, if things go really well...
(worked up) Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!
So the plan is to secretly sterilise her mouth?
You're going like that?
Important step. Maybe the most important.
(On his way out) Heh, heh, heh. That's what they want you to think. 
A man carries a wallet.
Yeah. I'll see you later.
Yeah.. yeah, we're - we're cool. (Knocks lightly. Kramer takes charge by knocking on the door louder. The busboy answers) Uh, I'm sorry to bother you, I was in the restaurant earlier and I was wondering if I could talk to you for a few minutes about what happened. (He gestures for them to come in. They obey) I hope I'm not interrupting anything. It's just that I think I may have - without realizing it - been responsible for getting you fired. (Nervously laughs) And.. and.. and I just want you to know that I didn't intend for that to happen.
George
I can tell you this. If I am not in front of my house at six-fifteen, when my parents get there, they will put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades.
145!
how did ya?...
No, no, what, what?
Hi! Mr. West, this is my friend Elaine--
I went to look in the mirror, it wasn't there. You threw off my equilibrium.
(Stern) No, ma, I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist. N- I don't care if you do pay for it! No! Discussion over. Yeah, alright, I'll see you later. Yes, of course I'm gonna come by. Alright. (Hangs up, slamming it down on the coffee table. He sits down next to Jerry) My mother wants me to see a psychiatrist now. Why?! Because she caught me? (Scoffs, shaking his head) You know, if everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist.. (Laughing, he snorts) 
I confused it with another awning.
What! There's no signs here! This is an outrage!
Oh I'm going baby! I'm going! (he leaves)
They were right outside!
Well I just got the estimate. It's going to cost more to fix that roof than the car's worth, So I'm going over to see that hospital administrator today. Someone is gonna pay for this damage and it's not gonna be me.
Keep your head down.
Is it, uh, doable?
(pleasant surprise) Really? (admonishing) You know Gary, I really have to say, I'm a little bit hurt that you didn't decide to confide in me.
(to the other laundry patrons) Any questions?
Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.
Of course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like, not a guy who goes, 'Oh no, I don't drink coffee late at night.' If I call her now, she's gonna think I'm too needy. Women don't wanna see need. They want a take-charge guy ' a colonel, a Kaiser, a tsar.
No, no no. That skips a generation. The baldness gene comes from your grandfather.
Hey, by the way, if anybody wants an inside tour of the zoo, Siena works there as a trainer.
Same thing. My god, I'm getting married in December, do you know that?
You know, I don't see how you can sit there eating that and not even offer me any?
Yeah, I never know what's going on there.
Hey Deena, come on, give us a hug. (they hug) Oh my gosh, you look as pretty as you did back in high school.
You gonna sleep on the fold-out?
That's your boyfriend.
Whew! Boy, it's cold outside, huh? Oh, these New York winters, huh. Bitter cold, bitter.
I doubt it. You know what he's doing now? He's putting a pool table in my old bedroom.
Yeah,yeah!! I'll pick you up right now.....All right All right....Hey! gotta go.
Oh the ego on you. 
Ah, and I got a date with the sales woman. She's got a little Marisa Tomei thing going on.</font>
Never.
(resolved) Why not. (determined) If she can't find me, she can't break up with me. And, if we're still goin' out, she has to gooo to the ballll.
What, she's ranking you?
(shouting) Turn your key, Maura. Turn your key!
I don't want it to feel good.
Yeah. (another pause) Not that I care, one way or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined. And again, I'm not suggesting.
 I don't know, maybe a safe fell on her head.
Sid, who's gonna move the cars while you're away?
What? I don't see anything.
[Realizing full well it isn't] ...Yes it is.
How nice?
You see, you see? I see things as they are and I say, 'no!' Uh, wait, you see things as they are not and you s- Wait, uh, you see things, do you see things as they are? What do you say when you see things?
Yearn? Do I yearn?
Heh he, I made it.
Wait, wait. Here me out. Don't dismiss this. You're very quick to dismiss. Don't dismiss. She's got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean, a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC; I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out, they fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman.
(interrupting) You know we should really order, the service is so slow here, by the time you get anything...
Great. (They both stand.) Oh, by the way, did you get a chance to read the script?
That's funny. You're a funny guy.
I'm sure you are.
(sets down his paper) So how were the eggs?
Neeson? How are you comparing Liam Neeson with Jon Voight? Jerry, we're talking about Joe Buck. If you can play Joe Buck, Oskar Schindler's a cake walk. (Opens the car door for Jerry, Jerry's about to get in.)
Hey, did I tell you I called one of those girls from the personal ads in The Daily Worker?
No, really. No, no, thanks.
What? What did you do?
Oh ah, I uh, will have that for you by after lunch.
Ahh, Hey-Ho. ahhhhh (exhales)
So the Wig master.......the Wig master said you could stop by the theater tonight.. and he'll show you around.
I'm emotional. 
Who?
I tell ya, I am hooked on these books on tape.
Don't jinx it! Don't jinx (trails off quietly in elation)
(confused) What does that mean?
No, stings the throat. Anyway, so I was coming along here, and I felt like a piece of cake, you know? But then I thought, it's morning, I should really have a muffin. I like those chocolate chip ones. Then I figured, well, they're really both cake. So I, uh, I sat on that bench for a little while, twenty minutes or an hour, and then I figured, check and see what you were up to. (a thought occurs to him) Wait a minute, wait a minute. The broad jump! The broad jump over the pothole on Eighty-sixth Street!
(checking the fridge) No Chinese leftovers. George is gettin' suspicious.
What were you doing?
The movies. Blimp is playing right there.
This is a guy I know.. Kramer.
My whole life has been a complete waste of time, (chuckle)
Where the hell is this car, Kramer?
Oh! no no nothing....
Yeah, well....
I can't drive?
(Defensively) Whatever. 
We're perfect. I timed this out so we would pull up at the terminal *exactly* 17 minutes after their flight is supposed to land. That gives them just enough time to get off the plane, pick up their bags and be walking *out* of the terminal as we roll up. I tell you, it's a thing of beauty. I can not express to you the feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup. (starts looking around) What's going on? What are you doing? The Long Island Expressway? What are you getting on the Long Island Expressway for? Do you know what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide mission!
I'm not giving you the satisfaction. I'm gonna watch it again...
Right here. (showing his lip)
Yes it is.
Yes!
I know, swan dives from twenty floors up, lands right on top. What do I got a bulls eye up there? He couldn't move over two feet? Land on the sidewalk. It's city property.
So I still haven't heard about that job. 
Hey, maybe I could bribe one of those women that hand out the towels in the powder room.
Well I still think it was wrong.
Look at that. They're done! 
It's fabulous.
That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid!
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I don't see how I'm gonna make December. I mean, I need a little more time. I mean, look at me I'm a nervous wreck. My stomach aches. My neck is killing me. I can't turn. Look. Look.
Why can't we share?
Please.
Yeah, yeah. Speaking of crazy, did you hear about Lloyd Braun?
Uh, let me ask you something. You uh, you ever hear of Marisa Tomei?
He's an importer.
WOULD YOU PICK A STATION!!!!!
Who's going to bomb you. An airline for all the stupid little peanut jokes. 
I'm going out with her tomorrow, she said she had some errands to run.</font>
Nothing.
Yeah, yeah, right here. (hands it to him)
Now I remember, as I jumped over the hole I heard a, like a jingling sound.
What is a barometer exactly?
Exactly!
Ponce de Leon? Okay. (to Jerry) You sure you don't wanna go?
I don't understand lunch, I don't know anything about lunch. Listen. Just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum - does it?
Peter Jennings had one.
 No, I would have picked up on it.  I can always tell when a woman likes me, they always somehow let you know.  With me, they could torture me, I wouldn't tell them.  If anything I'd try to make them think I don't like them, then they think, 'Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking at me, he must have something going for him.'
Maybe I could move them until you get back.
Oh yeah.
Just nice?
If I see things as they are, I would ask 'why' or 'why not?'
--and this is Kramer.
You yearn.
You guys ever shot anybody?
No, no. I'm just thinking.
Well, what'd you think?
Why, you think I should?
Ah, Pfft! What can you do? (looking at a tag on the suit) Is this the price tag? 
(Not amused with her answer) Eggs are eggs. That is very profound. (laughs; Daphne goes back to reading her paper) By the same token you could say fish is fish. Ha ha ha, I don't think so. (pauses) Listen Dophne
Whoa, whoa, you're not getting in my car with gummy shoes.
And they say appearance is not important.
 Wow.
You mean like a bra?
You told David Putty your move and you didn't tell *me*? I *need* a move. You know I have no moves, Jerry. (points to the candy bar) Gimme a bite.
What did you do?
Of course. Your massage. (winks) Enjoy your massage. (winks)
Yeah, well I'm thinking about getting out of town with Susan for a few days....Her parents rebuilt the cabin!  
You know what the temperature in Florida is today? Eh? Seventy-nine. That's almost eighty. Yeah, I read someplace the life expectancy in Florida is eighty-one and in Queens, seventy-three.
Never happened. 
Hey.
(frustrated) No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.
I knew I had hit my high note so I thanked the crowd and I was gone.
It's a performance, Jerry. Like what you do.
(To himself) Oh my God.
Now I know what I am supposed to do. It's so simple. Tell the truth That's all. Just tell the truth
I had no Idea you were filled with such....sexuality..
Hey, what's another million, give or take. I get off where and when I wanna get off.
Y'know people, we got a situation over here!
Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on. Wanna see me make a right turn from the left lane? Watch this.
(Even more nervous than before) Oh, the, uh, the cabin.. well, (Clears throat)
(Shrugging it off) She'll be fine. I gotta go to the hospital to see her tonight. 
Oh, I had it perfectly timed out: the Grand Central, the Van Wyck! You destroyed my whole timing!
Well, why don't *you* go, and I could save the seats. You said you didn't like saving anyway.
(to the cab driver) Excuse me, do you see anything on my lip here?
Yes, positive.
I have an idea. 
No, it's, it's his. (indicates Jerry) 
Yeah
(well, obviously) Yes.
Except for one small problem. Hah, I left some books in her apartment.
And I'll tell you something else, I'm not even going to ask you. I want to know. But I'm not gonna ask. You'll tell me when you feel comfortable. So what was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred for this? (Jerry coyly ignores George's questions, while George grows increasingly serious.) Over six? Can't be seven. Don't tell me you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven hundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what you're saying to me? You are sick! Is that what you paid for this jacket? Over seven hundred? What did you pay for this jacket?! I won't say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket! Oh my God! A thousand dollars?! You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket?! All right, fine. (George heads for the door.) I'm walking outta here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket, unless you tell me different. (Jerry remains silent.) Oh, ho! All right! I'll tell you what, if you don't say anything in the next five seconds, I'll know it was over a thousand.
Yes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me. But she doesn't like me!
Nah, it's not a good turn. December. December. Don't you think we should have a little more time just to get to know each other a little.
Do you hear yourself?
We're out of Bosco!
Yeah. She's uh, she's something, isn't she?
(getting irritated) He's an importer-exporter. Okay?
Aw great. Now the volume knob fell off
Hey. There is a couple of people that wouldn't mind having me out of the way. 
I take an eye test; I flunk it, the next thing you know I am swinging to the sweet sounds of risk management.
What's the difference? You know they way I work. I'm like a commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating, then you hear it a few times, you&rsquo;re hummin&rsquo; it in the shower, by the third date it's (sings) 'By Mennen!'.</font>
Hey, hey. Kramer, what are you doing? You can't smoke in here.
Nowhere.
(clipping on shades) Ha.. She'll have to find me first. (leaving)
I was trying to stick the landing. (indistinct) ...was right around here.
I got the job?
Ahh, Ah-Ah...We had a deal!
What did you do here? You took out the wrong guy.
Love to.
Alleluia.
Oh! Here you are. Ha ha...You, uh, you want to--
Yes?
He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying, 'Costanza' He'd say, 'Can't stand ja'. 'Can't stand ja' ... He made me smell my own gym socks once.
Shst, You should take the test for me.
Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...
 Now?
I'm in a transition phase right now.
(grabbing the sweater back) Well it's not really damaged. 85 dollars huh?
I'm stuck. Pull a little, just a second. Don't start the train! Don't start the train!!
Really good?
Well, not recently. I craved. I crave all the time, constant craving...but I haven't yearned.
Hey, can I flip on the siren?
You didn't like it?
I'm the consolation guy...?
How are we gonna get out of here? They'll kill us!
Yes, hello. Party's over. (taking off the suit) 
Daphne. I have to tell you something, this is very difficult...
Hey, hey.
Liam Neeson. You know, he's not American.
 I love it!  This is fantastic!  Look at this couch, is this velvet?!
'Hey'
I can't believe you're hoarding sex moves. I'm out there rubbing two sticks together. You walk around with a zippo.
Done what?
Yeah well, they won't know.  I got the car there.
What, I can't stop by and visit my parents? (Drops pamphlet on coffee table)
Dolores!
(Drawing attention back to him) Excuse me!
How much money d'you think they have?
(shouting) I'm not looking for another line. I got the line.
No! No!!
Excuse me, I was waiting here.
I saw 'Titanic'. So that old woman, she's just a liar, right?
Isn't it?
Oh, oh, your papers
What?
Ah! Some bald thing, a bald thing I dunno. It's nothing
He knows?
Okay.
And I can make a left turn from the right lane too.
Do you know what happens if I miss him? I don't get credit for the pickup and I lose my 50 bucks...
Why don't you give me the twenty, and I'll stop and get change, and then you and I can... uh... you-know, settle.
Oh, my God.
Maybe Karen is faking.
I know! I was squinting.
I show up. 
Well, he is. I, uh, I live around the corner. 
(ahem) In this age of uncertainty and confusion, a man begins to ask himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into words something so um... (trying to think of a word) 
Oh, no, no, not at all. No, I have always felt that the most important thing in the world is spending time with family.
Wha?
Oh, no no, I can't go back there. Jerry, it's so awkward and, you know, it could be dangerous sexually. Something could happen, I'd be right back where I started from.
I watched 'Beaches' on cable last night. ...(wings?) ... Give me a break.
What, you think I could postpone it?
Eh...come oooon...(starts stabbing the paper with the pen. Mr. Wilhelm comes in)
Well, I gotta go back there and try again. Hi Sheila.
This is delicious, Mrs. Ross.
Well, you know Katy, Elaine's friend?
(thoughtful) Yes. Yes.
How ya doin'? 
Hey. Check these out. I just picked them up from Sheila. She must have loved these. 
What's she like? Impressive?
If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind. Keys, gloves, scarf -- I go back to her place to pick it up...(pop sound) date number two.</font>
Well, no.
Wow! I didn't try that 'til I was 23.
Well, I'm still here. You took out the other guy!
Well, I'm doing it, Jerry. I'm buying the Frogger machine. Now the torch will burn forever.
(Interrupting) Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I'm really sorry that happened, and if I can help out in any way, I'll certainly be glad to do that. (Pause) Well, I guess that's about it.
Hello.(with not a big smile)
What about this--
OK, OK, I never even had him for gym.
It's really nothing, it's like going to the dentist.
 Gimme a half-hour.
You think she would care about the red dot?
What about personality?
Where are we going? Why are we pulling off here?
Aw, Kramer, don't start...
I'm just asking, all they have to do is say no.
I can't believe this! What was wrong with it? What didn't you like about it?
(Studying the salt shaker) I'm not taking a civil service test.
She doesn't want to get a bra.
Ah, Just double park.
So you think you can put the suit aside and hold it for me? 
Ya, ya. I bumped into him on the bus. What did he have to say?
Everybody's talkin' at me...I can't hear a word they're sayin'...just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car...
 A fan?  I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable. And look at this, hardwood floors!
(head down low) I...I wouldn't know'
(takes a bite) Oh, that's good. That's very good.
Elaine's moving into your building?
My presence, in that office, can only hurt my chances.
That's where the Seinfeld's are moving. They got a great deal. Yep. You know what they got in Florida? Jai-Alai! You bet on the games, you clean up.
What?
So this Anna called me from out of the blue.
What? You mean with a knife?
Embezzlement.
(excited) You're saying I stand to inherit three hundred thousand dollars, is that what you're saying?!
(really animated) Alright, alright. You see? This is why I hate writing with a large group. Everybody has their own little opinions, and it all gets homogenised, and you lose the whole edge of it. I'm going with jerk store! Jerk store is the line! Jerk store! Yess!
I've been standing here for the last ten minutes!
(to a street vender selling hot dogs) You must hate hot dogs, huh? Or else, you, uh, you really like 'em and that's why you, you do this.
No. I did.
Haha (laughs)
Peter?
What are we gonna tell Jerry about the car?
Hey, what are you doing tonight? 
Really?
Psh. What's the point of even discussing it? [condescendingly takes her hand and pats it] You'll give me the money when you have it. [takes two steps, then reconsiders, then re-reconsiders] I, I trust you.
(to Jerry) It's all white Jerry! It's all white!
I show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced. 
(sensing his chance) Well, they do now. Neighborhood's changing. 
No. 
(hesitates) Very close, yes. Almost painfully close.
You know a matron?
Well, yeah.
(thinking she means the breasts) What!!
That's allowed? You're allowed to postpone it?
Well...I've got a lot to do!
She happens to be very good friends with her.
What? I work here. 
I know. I just sort of leaned on it so it would look like it was mine. 
Bania?
What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on land, or was he just restricted to water?
Kramer?
Handicap? (gesturing to his cane) Oh, I'm not handicapped.
I am aware!
I'll tell ya, if I had one of these things, I'd be eatin' hot dogs all the time.
Hey, so, did you give that radio the old switcheroo?
So, you want to come down to Mario's Pizza with me and help me pick up the Frogger?
Oy uy uy.. (Antonio points to the sink) We really should get going.
Little baked beans
It's a cleaning.
I don't even think she'd notice it. Can you see it?
All right, OK, I'm goin' in.
Smarter than me? I don't want anyone smarter than me.
Yes and I was hoping ... to get a thirteen week extension.
We're on the Grand Central, there's no traffic.
I am not! What you call wasting, I call living! I'm living my life!
Wohoo, check it out.
It wasn't funny? What, are you kidding?
Hey.
Yes, I've seen a silver dollar.
(To the store owner:) Excuse me, what do you think of these?
All right, it wouldn't kill me.
Why not?
Oh yes, of course, and we have to be fair. (placing the suit further away in the rack) 
What?
(bewildered)  Heh heh.
'It doesn't help'
Yeah, much better. All right, so what's the move, because I need *something*. This woman I'm dating, it's like she's doing her nails during love-making.
Right above you?
What about the dolphins? You could swim with the dolphins down there.
I, uh, should have a poem very soon now.
With extreme prejudice.
(Angry) Yeah, that's what they told me the last time.
Twenty years? That long?
What does that mean?
That's not the point. The point is I was here first.
Really.
...I broke up with her.
It's just we want you to go.
I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.
Yeah, yeah I really had some guts back then. Why don't we do it again?
Yeah, it's being framed right now. I don't even know what it costs. (beat) Not, uh, too expensive, is it?
Alright, start looking for spaces.
My bag?
The cabin.. (Laughs nervously) Well.. (Pauses as he thinks of a way to break the news, then decides to pass it off) Susan?
Oh, the virgin? 
The Duty Free Shop? Duty Free is the biggest sucker deal in retail. Do you know how much duty is?
It's in Detroit though, it's an expensive flight.
Screw the Drake!
What's the worst thing that could happen? 
No not vast (he pronounces it as 'vost') 
Mind? Why would I mind? I would love to wait! (shakes hands with Nana) Nana, nice to see you. Ni-ni-ni-ni-NANA! (embraces another guest, kisses her) Aunt Phyllis, always a pleasure. What a pleasure! Hey, let's do this again real soon. I had fun, huh?
You
(standing) All right, I'm gonna move my car, my meter's up. Can't park in this city.
I don't know. They're books.
Oh, Huh, imagine that.
So, I could do that?
Uh-hmm.
It's very complicated.
What's all this?
What quit? (laughing) Who quit? 
Bye, Dolores.
No. He was fine with it. Check that out. 
What did you have?
Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?
Yeah, I didn't mean that.
Mmm... no.
And the Christian rock?
What?
Hurry up.
If it makes you happy, I don't focus on these things. I will tell you this: Unfortunately, we live in a very superficial society. I don't condone it, but it's a fact of life.
Yeah, but you know where it is.
Alright, let's see, let's see. What else. What else. Oh yeah, what does she do?
Well you know what I've discovered Mrs. Sokol. It's not so much the looking as the listening. I listen for work. And as I'm looking and listening I am also looking. You can't discount looking. It's sort of a combination. It's looking, and listening, listening and looking. But you must look.
No.
You didn't find it funny?! This is what I'm paying for?
So, what did she say?
Again with the checked out. I'm not going to the doctor. If I don't to the doctor, then nothing will happen to me. If I go he might find something.
To do what?! Work in a post office? Is that what you want me to do?
Yes, it is exciting! All right, this is gonna be my new face.
Yea I-I know about the cups.
Are you kidding? People get spaces this good, they never give 'em up.
He said that? (Daphne shacks her head) What a nerve. How dare he say something like that.
 So Scott's your roommate, huh?
I don't know how you put up with this.
'I'll see you.'
Yeah. Never seen anyone so bored. I'm working like a dog here. Give me a moan. *Something*. I'd settle for a belch, for god's sake. All right, come on, let's have it.
You're gonna be neighbors.
I'm going.
You could pet them. They come right out of the water onto the sidewalks.
I thought Mulva hated you.
No, no, not really. Ever since Susan passed on, I have good days and bad. (Turns the briefcase towards the woman on his left.) Some days, I'm haunted by one word - why. Why Susan? Why wasn't it me licking those invitations? Why am I still here? Well, I gotta run. (Gets up and leaves the meeting.)
Hey, she wants me to dress uh 'smart casual.' What uh, what is that?
No, no. That's just the thing. Anna told me that Elaine said I was one of the worst seeds she'd ever seen.
Fortunately, yes.
I just pray Kruger doesn't realize that it's gone until this guy can fix it up.
(to Jerry) What do you mean by that?
You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a civilized way.
Oh boy.
I broke up with her.
Well, OK. As I said the guy had it in for me. He actually failed me in gym. ... ME!
You could take the IQ test for me. I could pass it to you out a window. We could do it, she lives in the first floor.
Hi, hi, hi, You were wonderful.
Right. The other members of our party. (closes partition) Other members of our party? What other members of our party? I didn't even know we were in a party. Oh, I'm telling you, the jig is up.
Look, I have my system. First I look for the dream spot right in front of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles.
Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest? 
Yeah, 'duty'. Do you know how much duty is?
What?
Yeah, so? 
Well, we're collectors. We, uh, see objects of great beauty and, uh, we must have them. 
Yes. 
No, you go Guggenheim. I'm not much of a Guggenheim.
The rule is a minimum of two days.
Oh, no no no, I'm fine. Let me help you with these dishes, huh?
Kramer,
Wha, that's a Kinney lot?
They're my books.
All right, I gotta make a call. Everybody out, come on.
(to Jerry) 'You know those shoes that Jimmy had? I cut a deal with him. We're gonna import a case of them together.'
All right! All right. I'll tell you what. How about this? Got the date; March 21st, the first day of spring.
It's, uh, it's not a little chicken. (laughing) Little chicken. It's a gamebird.
I don't know, I didn't ask.
(Muttering to himself as he walks to the bedroom) More stuff..
Wax Museum. 
Marsala?
Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major.
(shocked) When do I start?
Does she care? No. Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the problems of a fellow individual? No. No. A resounding no!
Jerry, do you have any fishsticks?
You're right. Why must there always be a problem? You'd think just once I could get a break. God knows I earned it with that score!
So how long did you live there?
... Those spastic shnitzer twins ...
What the hell.
Pretend you didn't know it was there. Can you see it?
Specific, Ah, lets see. I've walked in and out of so many buildings they all .. blend in together, I uh, ..
No.
You know what I never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid it was always 'waaaa, waaaa', you know now it 'woo-woo-woo-woo-woo'. Why did they do that, did they do some research? Did they find that woo-woo was more effective than waa?
(Annoyingly butting in) Kinda like Superman's fortress of solitude.
Let me tell you who did, uh, buy it...um we pitched this story to Russell Dalrymple, the president of NBC, and he ate it up with a spoon.
Y'know... I could hear you on the other line...
Can't leave the car here!
Catch what in time?
Yeah. (George hands over the prescription) Kramer...
I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.
(he thinks) I think the hats. The hat conveys that solemn religious look you want in a faith. Very pious. 
All right, I'll tell you what... why don't you go into the store and I'll wait in the car?
Of course not. I mean sure, there may have been one or two occasions in the past, when I may have reacted in uh impulsive or somewhat immature manner, but those days are well behind me.
 No, you didn't mention it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the vault. I'm putting it in the vault.
She's right above you?
You know what? I changed my mind. I, uh, I don't think so.
I think they really went for that Soda.
Rid? Nah, c'mon, the word is 'care'. Care. I care about your comfort, be it here in Queens or twelve-hundred miles away.
All the way?
Briefcase. (Shrugs and exits.)
Right. Bye.
I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy.
I have an aunt that died at seven.
It's OK. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm sure she'll still do it.
Why not?
Oh, these are my friends, Elaine and Jerry, ... Noel
It was a good jig.
I can't park in a garage.
A knife?
Duty is *nothing*. It's like sales tax...
Um, excuse me, have you see a guy with like a horse face, big teeth, and a, and a pointed nose?
Really?
I'm a college graduate. You want me to be a mailman?
(to various people as he walks in) Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Hi nice to see you. How are you. Good morning. (to the secretary) Good morning. 
How do you know?
Ya, you go.
I'm making it up.
No, I know I don't have to, I want to.
Well, what is it?
Fifty bucks a month, that's incredible! Okay, thanks.
Well, I'm going with him. I'd like to... I've never done a 'solid' before.
Because I can't call a woman with other people in the room. Come on, let's go.
'There's a lot of money in this.. He's got a proven sales method'
Huh? You know? Spring. Rejuvenation. Rebirth. Everything's blooming. All that crap.
By the way, have you spoken to Elaine yet today?
Yeah.
Not the point!
Oh my God! What is that?!
Yeah. Good weekend. 
Oh. What is this? 
(smiling expectantly) Here it comes.
Oh, this is huge!
Sorry I'm late, but look what I found in the Yankee Hall of Pride display case.
(Thomassoulo helps George get up) Yeah, what the hell.
All right, relax, tough guy. I got to go out to my father's garage, help him sell some computers.
Oh, Tara!
Twix.. (Makes various noises) B-5. 
Oh! I know....'Cos you don't think Janet?..
Oh that's OK, really, don't worry about it.
What?
That's pretty long.
Yes, Mr. Hayman
Me? I didn't say anything.
Well just take an overview. Can't you just take an overview?
Absolutely, uh, lets see there's, uh, Vandelay Industries, I just saw them. I got very close there. very close.
No.
Eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa...
Really?
S, uh, Superman - he, uh, built the fortress of solitude up at the North Pole, to, uh, you know, sort of get away from it all..
How's this for criticism? Um...you stink. How do like that criticism? You know what's funny to me? That diploma up on the wall. That is my idea of 'com-med-dee'! You sitting here, telling people what to do.
I heard what you said: 'Sharon, are you there?'.
It's my father's car!
You think it's something?
Kramer...
Well perhaps, not to the extent that you are. But I know the basic plot. Yeah. 
Because, I've got the coat. I can sit in the car and not get cold.
What's up?
 I'm sure I will.
You're gonna tell me...or not.
How could you do that?
I just don't feel like it anymore.
Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda.
Yeah, and you were engaged for like a minute, I was engaged for a year.
Yes ... yes, yes
Thank you.
Aunt Baby.
(entering Jerry's bathroom) Well, Hanke's moved on to Step Ten. He was spotted taking personal inventory.
Ah, come on! 
I think it's neat. You don't hear that much about god anymore.
(Gestures for Kramer to shut up) Once again, Antonio, I can't even begin to say how deeply, deeply sorry I am about everything. The job, the cat.. (A lamp breaks) the lamp.
Oh, no. We left on good terms.
(TO WOMAN) Hey, is that necessary?
I don't know, she lives right around the corner. You could take it here or go to the coffee shop.
There could be more than one O'Brien on a plane who ordered a limo.
I don't know, I just can't. Nobody in my family can pay for parking, it's a sickness. My father never paid for parking; my mother, my brother, nobody. We can't do it.
I like to stop at the duty free shop.
Yeah.
The name's George Constanza. I'm starting work here today. I was wondering if you could tell me where my office is. 
Oh, well, a mantel's a whole different story.
I'd argue if I could, Mrs. Enright. (exits) Here we go, all right.
Wha?
You still owe me a secret.
...she calls me up at my office
'He jumps!'
She's not gonna like it.
(sighs) She called Susan last night.
Can I finish?
(Staring at the doll) This doll (Pointing) looks like my mother.
Aw, she's gonna be a fine sailor. 
This must be Sheila from the photo place. 
Dad.
(signs) Sorry. (expectant) You're sure, uh, there isn't anything else?
Allow me. Why?
All right, okay. Let's go, details.
Is it? (reaches into bag)
Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there. They- they treat me so great. You know they think I'm handicapped, they gave me this incredible office, a great view.
Kramer.
Ah, excuse me. Do you have, uh, change of a dollar? 
No, I don't have it yet.
Why would I...
I-I don't know.
It's not that long, really.
Well I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts.
I didn't encourage. No encourage.
Please.
Latex, latex manufacturing
No.
Moisturizer?
I can't believe she got involved with a shrink.
(In awe) Wow! 
Oh, I'm goin' baby. I'm goin.' (Heads for the door, then stops.) It's Jerry's fault. He took out all my good lines. He's such a control freak!
Yes, I heard you!
I don't know. I do know that I have some kind of a talent - something to offer. I just don't know what it is yet!
You do know Kramer?
I tell you something. I wish there were pig-men. You get a few of these pig-men walking around suddenly I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, 'Hey he's no pig-man!'
Yes. You know the uh flood, and the uh lepers, and the commandments and all that. 
Does the heater even work in this car?
Did you see what just happened?
He wants to meet you? I'll tell you what. I'll show up. He doesn't know we're friends. I'll pretend I haven't seen you since High School. I'll back up the story.
 Yes.  A male roommate.
(singing) 'Master of the House/Quick to catch your eye/Never wants a passerby to pass him by...'
Yes.
I got a headboard.
Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me.
Just like that.
This is the life! Isn't it, huh, kid?
Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?
I'm feeling something else here, Jerry!
Okay, the point is made.
Huh, strawberries, anyone? (eats a strawberry) Ah, that's good. Ooh, juicy this time of year.
It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here so it's okay if I'm stupid, and she knows I'm only in town visiting so there's no messy breakup
She had a dude?
Good Morning!
All he has to do now is count his blessings, say a prayer, and he's done. Do you believe this?
Yeah, well, he probably bought it.
No. I need a guy that can rig a Frogger machine so that I can move it without losing power, 'cause I have the high score. H-hello?
(Hands Antonio a card) Here's my card. I'm in real estate, so, if you're ever looking for something bigger, something nicer.. (Antonio is staring at him, angered) ..maybe not right now. Anyway.. (Extends his hand for a handshake. Antonio doesn't move)
Because I uh, I told her the truth.
I think hitting a defenseless child is my business.
Well you should have been O'Brien.
You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free? (he hears a horn honking) What? What do you want? Go around me, I'm looking for spaces.
So, what's happening with the TV show? You come up with anything?
So, you send me to this therapist to help me with my emotional disorders, and she criticizes our script. (Tosses the script to Jerry.) What kind of a therapist is that?
Oh yes I am Father. Incredibly sincere. So, uh, pffft, am I in? 
If my parents had a mantel, I might be a completely different person.
(spits out mouthful of food): Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright!
Where did you get those?
Who?
Yeah?
I didn't know there was a fireplace. A fireplace, that's incredible.
(cont'd) she says, 'We have to talk.'
'Will you stop with the Jimmies'
You know, I think I'm a little bit scared of her. She's five-three, like a hundred pounds. I'm frightened to death of her.
How do you know?
Alright! So, she said, that she could've fixed me up with her.
I know it's a doll, but it looks like my mother!
She must have slipped it in here. 
What are you doing here?
(let down) So, that's it?
What is Pericles?
You wha?
Gotta get the good ones.
Yeah, yeah, well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me!
What-what are you doing?
Could I, uh, could I trade you for another dollar? 
No, I brought a picture of the chair.
Yes.
Ladies. I, uh, I haven't seen this before.
Nah.
And then you came here.
I'm not really sure, I...
Wh.. Where you going?
It's possible.
Are you often on business trip? Nice...oh, hey nice ice-bucket.
Yes, for a sales position. Latex salesman, the selling of latex, and latex related products. They just wouldn't give me a chance.
I had a great time tonight Carrie. And I am going to call you as soon as I get home.
Uh...no.
No, I uh... I use it.
(Suggesting) Maybe she's a nudist. You know, those nudist colony people.. 
Maybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the whole conversation!
What are we gonna do? How are we gonna get out of here?
(Looks fed up with his parents) Oh my God..
Well, I'm mentioning his name.
Thanks Mike. Nice to be aboard. 
So, what do you think? 
Oh, Hey, eh, there's a spot right in front of the liquor store. You see
Did you happen to notice that Julie handed the big salad to Elaine?
Not bad? It's gorgeous!
 It's a huge problem, Jerry.  The hardest part about having sex with a woman is getting her to come back to your place!  He's already got that.
Maybe he didn't show up.
(to Elaine) Right, alright. (to Jerry) Oh Jerry, do you have any apples?
No.
Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Pocono's?
Yeah, maybe. (snifs) Where'd you get that?
Oh, that's bad. That's bad.
I got a hotel room.
How do you know it was her dude?
Hi Allison, that's a nice dress.
I shouldn't even tell you this.
It's OK.
...What?
Yes, you have to be Murphy.
You'll pay? I'm there.
(putting the car in reverse) Oh beautiful! Look at that, the dream space right in front of Jerry's building. Huh? Dreams can come true, what did I tell you?
Why don't they have salsa on the table?
Oh, she didn't think it was funny. What is she, Rowan & Martin? We're supposed to meet with NBC tomorrow! She completely shattered my confidence. And I'm paying for this, she's my employee!
(to Jay) What do you think it is?
I got it. Cups in the front, loops in the back. (puts the bra on the table)
Ah hah. You see Father, I'm I'm incredibly anxious to become a member. Um, don't you offer any kind of an express conversion? A quick change? 
Let's have it.
What do think I tell Jerry everything? It's not like he's my wife.
That, or 'Who's bra is this?'
Especially her. She does not like disappointment. Well, I have to do it. I can't make December. There's no way I can make December. Right? I mean, you can see that, right? I mean, look at me. Look. Look. Can I make December? I can't make December. Right? Look. Look.
Your idea?
I know. Completely bonkers!
No, Seven.
Well, you know, if I uh, wasn't engaged.
Photo store Sheila. 
I have to have my tonsils taken out.
(melancholy) I wish that was all needed. Life can be so confusing. I..I'm searching for answers, anywhere.
No details?
Jerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage. Huh? There was a guy that worked at the Yankees-- no arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money, had a wife, a family, drove a better car than I did.
(Stopping him) Ah, excuse me. When your, uh, when your wallet was open, I - I glanced inside, and I couldn't help but notice that you have several crisp dollar bills. 
I thought we'd all sign the picture.
No...
I'm against all 'it's me's. So self-absorbed and egotistical, it's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!
Excuse me, are you the guy with that funny laser?
hu, Coffee. Too much coffee (nervous laughter).
Eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one... Yup.
He gave me a wedgie.
Why you going home for?
Bother, wa', what kind of bother?
No.
You could eat of that shotgun.
(Needing to get away from his parents, he gets up) I need some air..
Because... you know...
Oh, well, he was probably just getting anxious to start his vacation. 
Jody's nice. 
You see, hu, ho ho.
Well, she didn't BUY the big salad. I bought the big salad.
 No.  Believe me, he's not.
All Simons was able to find out is that he's in the hospital.
I don't think there's ever been an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up. (George notices an elderly man in a leather chair.) Wait a second, is that him?
Five-foot four. Why?
You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.
is still at the pier. His thoughts shift somewhat.]
(on a pay phone) Hey, hey, it's George, I need ya to do me a favor.
What? 
Listen I was talking to Elaine today and she said she'd would really like to be an usher at the wedding
(on tape, singing) 'Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the pho-one. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not hooome.' (beep)
Well I don't know anyone here Jerry. Where else am I going to stay?
Sure, dudes in this town are dime a dozen.
Hey Glenn!
Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment.
Well, is he good, Kramer?
She asked me to.
You are!
You'll do it?
Gotta tell you I'm pretty comfortable.
Me, uh, uh, no, ...
You're Murphy!
Just take the cap off.
Alright, now you're gonna see some parallel parking. (spitting into his hands and rubbing them together) How I wish you could make a living parallel parking. (turning around in his seat) It's all geometry, knowing all the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back in, that's the key.
Salsa is now the number one condiment in America.
I would imagine it's all naked. 
This is not good. This is not good.
And she slaves to earn every penny. So that someday, I might be able to walk up to a woman and say, 'Yes, I'm bald, but I'm still a good person.'
You want me to ask one of the Yankees.
Kramer, Kramer, I need to know if Nina is refunding.
Just one? I'm living like twenty. (chuckles) What's yours?
So we order lunch, and we're talking. Finally, she blurts out how it's 'not working'.
Jerry, it's not my fault.
Um, hi, it's George, George Costanza, remember me? The guy that didn't come up for coffee. You see, I didn't realise that coffee didn't really mean... well, whatever. Anyway, it was fun. It was... it was fun, so... oh boy, um, so... You call me back. If you want. It's up to you, you know, whatever you wanna do. Either way. The ball's in your court. So uh, take it easy.
Aaaaaah
La-la-la-la-la-la-la! [flashbacks to Susan]
Wha'd you do that for?
Pop? What happened to Pop?
Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl...
Coulda fixed me up with Marisa Tomei. She said I was just her type!
You know my last name is Costanza. That's Italian. So you and I are like country men. Pisano's!
All right. I will see you boys later. 
You ask me here to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!
All right, I made up the part about the car, but the rest is true. And he hated me anyway!
Morning, ma.
(Persistent) Perhaps you could look again, please? I'm very hungry. 
Exactly.
Yeah. The thing is, I, uh...I had this little zinger of my own I wanted to try.
Oh, the hamstring's fine.
Me too, really. Unless you'd really like to get one.
YYYDDSSHE(?) ... Jose Jimenez. You recognize it?
Why? Is there anything wrong?
I like to get the Daily News!
It's George.
'There may be a problem with the phone, hold on'!
What I don't get is, just because the battery is dead, you think she'd be able to roll up the hill with her hands!
(Walks off) I got a lot of thinking to do.
You think she liked me? She seemed to like me. 
Diane DeConn? You saw Diane DeConn!
Yes it is. She just took credit for my salad. That's not right.
Yeah, I got one too.
 She's confiding in him about our dates.  You always like the person you talk to about the date more than the date!  It's just a matter of time till they realize, 'Hey, we could have sex.'
Of course he's been in touch with him. He's left two messages. He just hasn't heard back yet, that's all.
I'm nervous.
(agitated) Alright, I gotta try and talk my mother into taking him off my hands.
I can't tell ya how much I appreciate this.
Of course. We all do.
March 21st. Hey! So, you're gonna back me on this, right?
I just remembered, th-th-there's this Chinese restaurant out near Yankee Stadium, that puts flyers on all the cars.
...especially a girl. Or a boy.
When? 
Why not?
Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?
Hey.
(answers phone, good mood) Hey.
So?
Or maybe, she just wanted to go to the Tony's. I tell you what; you ask her out again. No Tony, just Jerry. That way you know it he was her dude or just some dude.
Heard that one already.
Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily... extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need...
Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that's it for me.
I told her that she was pretentious.
I like herbal tea.
Because the underwear is pulled up from the back and ... it wedges in..
I should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch. I can't stand kids. Adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. I don't need that kind of honesty. I'll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day.
Yeaah, beautiful... (They try to hit a high five, but George hits Elaine in the forehead.) Sorry...
Oh! my god. Oh! man...
I'm going straight to hell, no two ways about it.
 Listen, I have a tremendous favor to ask.
You're Murphy!! Look, let's just jump out of the car.
There's nothing I can even impart to you, that's the sad thing. It's so inborn, I can't pass it on. (begins backing into the space) Look at this guy. Are you crazy, what are you doing?! Hey! Hey, you're stealing my space!
You know it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa. (Angry) 'I wanted seltzer, not salsa.'
What, are you locking the door now?
(Still focused on the nudist) They're naked, the gardeners naked.. the bellhops. (Jerry makes a noise of astonishment) One big nude-a-rama. 
I just don't think it's such a great idea for you to sit here.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry.. (Bends down, and starts picking up her things)
But Kramer, isn't it a question of hygiene?
Oh leave Jack alone. Jack's got enough problems. I'll just take the small office. 
Nice nun. 
Alright. I'll run it by a few people.
Ade you are incredible
Why not? Why not?
I didn't know there was a fireplace.
So, I'm thinking, as she's saying this, I'm thinking: great, the relationship's over. But the egg salad's on the way. So now I have a decision: Do I walk or do I eat?
It's standard. Has she left you one of those messages where she uses up the whole machine?
Got her machine. I'm dead, I'm a dead man. That's it. I'm dead, I'm a dead man. Dead man.
come on it's just a game.
Well that was a really stupid thing! You know what's going to happen now?
Yeah, the oceans really are getting very sudsy.
(getting animated) Yeah. Yeah. You know the odds of me being anyone's type?! I have never been anyone's type, but apparently, this Marisa Tomei loves funny, quirky, bald men.
And I always take care of my Pisano's. So here is a little something. (drop in tip and worker looks the other way, so George decides to take it out and try again only to get caught)
To ask her out. 
Well, what should I do, Kramer?
My dad was a cook during the Korean War. Something very bad happened, ever since you can't get him near a kitchen.
What's with the dog?
Where are you sitting?
I love that bathroom. It's got that high, high toilet. I feel like a gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building.
Morning, dad.
(Losing it) I guess everyone here enjoys giving the old screwgie, huh?! You're all doin' a hell of a job! (Looks longingly at the Twix in the machine) Ho, ho. What I would do with you.. 
...neither am I.
They? The Government?
It's right in the explosion scene. So if you could just...leave me a little window. You know, my, uh, my aunt had a thing removed with a laser. All right, I don't want to interrupt your meal, so...
I wrote. Pfft, *I* wrote.
Chamomile's good. Lemon Lift. Almond Pleasure.
Jose Jimenez, ... verrry funny. ..very funny.
Why?
Why?
My favorite.
'The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye'!
I mean, batteries have gone dead before, aren't they prepared for that?
I was personable. Don't you think I was personable? 
Ahh! How'd she look?
I mean I'm the one who bought it.
 Exactly!  You know how they get animals to reproduce in captivity? They just put them in the same cage.
Just give it a little more time.
I was just in there. It's embarrassing.
You are a good friend. You know what? Even if you killed somebody I wouldn't turn you in.
(a little worried) He uh, he doesn't have the auto shop any more?
Alright, this is what ya gotta do: I need ya to go out to the parking lot at Yankee Stadium, take the flyers off my car.
What, you don't like the name?
Oh, what? What? That? Are you kidding? I didn't quit. What? You took that seriously? 
That was an honest mistake.
Lemme tell you something, that Jerry Lewis? You wonder how some of these people get to the top? It's ideas like this! Brilliant! Hah-hah! (Notices that the briefcase is damaged.) Look at this - what the hell happened? The whole side is damaged here...and the lock is broken.
Ladies and gentlemen, this (Opens the door, Steven is standing there) is Steven Koren. His G.P.A. is a solid 2.0! Right in that meaty part of the curve - not showing off, not falling behind.
No, I can't. She knows I go there. It's not secure. (the call waiting beeps) Hey, I got another call comin' in. I gotta let the machine get it. Bye. (hangs up)
Oh really. You tell her you shaved it?
All right, that's enough. I gotta go home and take a nap.
So I finally stop and say, 'Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left'.
Slippery Pete?
(checking his watch) Hey, let's get the check, she's taking the bandages off at four o'clock.
 I think something's happening here.
So we jump and roll, you won't get hurt.
Just take the cap off!
No no no, he's not getting away with this.
See, this should be a show. This is the show.
(Extremely blunt) Burned.
Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.
(Only turning back for a second) Hey. 
They're not here! You cost me fifty bucks!
(Stuttering) I, I, I, .. here, let me - let me help you..
Yeah. So how does that help me?
Yes. I like to feel cozy. I have a very small apartment. I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love to be nestled. 
'step off'? 
What?
What? Oh, My God!
Come on, Kramer.
A garden! I can't believe there's a garden!
We sat there for twenty minutes, chewing, staring at each other in a defunct relationship.
'I dunno sometimes...'
I don't know what the hell I said. I gave her an ultimatum and there's nothing I can do. It's a machine. The little light is blinking right now, 'Come and listen to the idiot. Hey everybody, the idiot's on!'
Is it a clockwise swirl?
Whe ... Well yeah!
(sarcasm) Hu-hu, like I don't know that? (excitement) My Cousin Vinnie, I love that! I, George Costanza, could be on a date with an Oscar winner! An Oscar winner, Jerry! You know what that's like? It's like if fifty years ago, someone fixed me up with Katherine Hepburn? Same thing!
No no. That's not what I was trying to do.
What game? 
Oh yeah, but that has nothing to do with it.
Oh..
(on tape, singing) 'Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the pho-one. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not hooome.' (beep)
Next to each other?
What's with all the butter?
Where's the crazy man, Come on up.
Are you sure?
Like what? What could they say?
Jerry drinks Morning Thunder?
(phone rings ,picks up) Operator? Beijing?
uh, Uh, Vandelay Industries, is uh. 129 West 81st street. It's a very small industry Vandelay. It's one of the reasons I wanted to uh, work for them.
I went to the hardware store interview.
Yeah, I think I got a touch of something, too.
C'mon Jerry, let's go. What was that all about?
Makes the 11 gauge look like a cap pistol.
Now she thinks we're gay, not that there's anything wrong with it...
Must be one of those rich, spoiled handicapped people, who didn't want to do any work, and just wanted to sit in her wheelchair and take it easy.
Yeah. So what's going on? We're gonna shoot the pilot and then it's gonna be on TV the following week?
I tought I picked up a little something. I'm very good at this. Did you pick up anything? 
Ahh! (closes his eyes and rolling his head back) Umh!
Hey Rachel!
You think she should have said something?
 Oh, that's the worst part of it.  He looks just like me.
All right, all right. That's it. I'm gonna go down there.
What trying to get off the phone?
It's a great thrill to meet you, Sir.
They saw me walk out.
Where we gonna eat?
(very worried) Uhm, I, I gotta go.
She's, uh, she's heard of Merlot.
Alright, fine. I'll drive the 3 hours each way, 6 hours all together, and take 'em off myself!!
I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.
Come on. Will you stop it. 
Yeah! You're right.. You're probably right.
Five minutes. What the hell happened here?
I'm sure we're all aware of the flaws and biases of standardized tests..
I tell you; I'm wiped.
What is Lloyd Braun doing here?
(entering Monk's) Oh, hello, Hanke, others.
No. During.
I guess there are no small diseases, only small actors.
All right, I'm gonna find a guy with a truck. GLC must live on!
It's exciting, isn't it? She's gonna have a whole new face.
 I think she wants me to take her home.
If she want's to continue to have a fibre of her being she'll be very careful (hitting each other)
We're slowing down. Are those the people?
Pass the salt please.
Hey, what are you doing?
This. Just talking.
It wasn't that bad.
Look, we're wasting our time here! We're a half-hour late, they've probably took it off the board already.
Well hello. Um, ah, specifically the reason that I'm here, uh, I don't know uh what Elaine told you but uh I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. Actually she broke up with me [struggling with his coat zipper] and uh, well, I was the cause of it and uh, I just wanted to find out from you ... What's with this thing?
What?
It - it's just that I'm here with my parents, and my mother wants me to take a civil service test - and to tell you the truth, I don't even think I'd pass it.. So..
Yeah, my roommate in college.
Yes, yes of course. The Pensky file. Ho ho, can't wait to sink my teeth into that. Wow that Pensky. Well we'll straighten him out. 
you said 'step off'? wow, that is too much hey..huh hey (George turns the cap his wearing backwards like Tony) Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what it is? 
No, what is it?
Ade, ahh, ahh, ah ... I'm giving you a raise!
Have you ever had their egg salad?
Now I'm in the worst position of all.
It's GEORGE:.
YES! It Blows Up! If you knew that, what did you tell Elaine for?
I mean, you've seen her, right?
I got your calzones Mr. Steinbrenner.
No good? 
A vet?
(to phone) Hi, Allison? Oh, I guess you're not at home.. I probably should 'ave tried you at the office. Anyway, good to hear from ya, really looking forward to the ball.. (hangs up and happily chuckles) Ha ha!
Time?
No (snorts - Laughing nervously)... I'm gonna wear black shoes.
People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up. 
Haaaaaa!!!
(leaving) Alright that's it for me. Good night everybody.
Like what? I'm bald? What is it specifically? Is, is there an odor I'm not aware of?
Morning Thunder has caffeine in it, Jerry doesn't drink caffeine.
I gotta go back to the library and talk to him. I gotta find out if I&Mac226;m the guy who ruined his life.
Why do I do anything? tsss...For women.
All right, so are you ready, so we'll go out and get something to eat.
That's uh, KL5-8383. Are you calling them soon because, they keep very strange hours.
I thought were a team.
(to Elaine) Do you want us to go with you?
'These pretzels are making me thirsty'? That was one line! You got fired!
Here we go, LA.
Burned.
(Also, over his shoulder) Not me. 
Well, I'm sorry!
This is George Costanza, I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh, my God. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative is good? Oh, yes of course! How stupid of me. Thank you. Thank you very much. (he hangs up)
No.
The second time I sent the noodles back, I tought she made a face... 
She asked about me? What did- What did she say?
What kind of a greeting was that?
Oh, I know.
I did it! It's all done!
Natalie?
 I look like me and I'm working from the outside.  Who do you think is in the better position?
To the hospital.
Just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion. Right off! (beat) She is sexy though. Don't you think?
Peterman? Nobody mentioned anything about Peterman.
I'd get tired of it.
I just remembered, I gotta be someplace. Yuh-hu-hur, that's enough. Pop. Pop, put down the wrench, Pop.
Why don't we talk about it another time.
(angry) Well, that's the name!
Teasing. 
(shrugs and lights it up)
I have to rewind it first. (George presses the rewind button on the tape recorder. He and Jerry stand there, waiting impatiently as it rewinds.) Alright, alright.
Besides, Steven Koren has the highest of aspirations. He wants to be (pauses for effect) an architect.
Reality tour?
De-compressing.
Yeah, of course she did. That's all I ever heard growing up is 'Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?' Did you know he was in a mental institution?
Jerry?
You know, Jason, I, uh, I couldn't help notice, I... I didn't get my apology.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Of course, not as exciting as miss crop circles, but...
 What should I do?
You can't do that, you can't just sneak in from the back like that.
I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea.
I was trying to loosen 'em up a little bit.
Canceled? Do I still get credit for the pick up? I was here!
Yeah, and, ... Why won't this go down?
No, of course not.
(he walks casually to Tom, and taps his arm) Listen. I know we've had our problems in the past, but we got a show to do tonight. Time to pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say, let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins-- They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange to do to walk into a room, audition, and to walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always opened. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins. We'll have a nice laugh.
What?
(thinks for a second) I got used to it.
They gave me the Pensky file. 
bowling! what do you say bowling? bowling's insane! bowling is crazy time 
Hey, Buck. Talk to you for a second?
You didn't get one?
Yeah.
It's unbelievable. You know what else is unbelievable? I picked up the check. She didn't even offer. She ended it. The least she could do is send me off with a sandwich.
He did that?
My censor quit two years ago. He checked into a clinic. Emotionally exhausted.
Will you marry me?
Hey, Mr. Morgan how was your massage?
You couldn't figure out the 'World's Theory' for yourself? It's just common sense. Anybody knows, ya gotta keep your worlds apart. (gesturing with hands going outward)
Pop! POP!!
(shout) Marisa Tomei!
What is this thing doing here?
I thought tomorrow maybe we'd try a little corn beef.
Oh, I don't know. 
So, if I may jump ahead - you're gonna take dog medicine?
Okay, go ahead.
Sounds like a rough trip.
When are you going on your next date with her?
The cashier is at lunch - which is where I'd like to be. 
(answering the phone while walking away) Joe Mayo's apartment?
Give me one.
You don't tell him?
Oh are they gonna be furious.
Sure, well uh, you know I'll check in with you next week uh, I gotta run now because I got a full plate this afternoon. All right, really go to uh,.
Carrie, could you do me a favour? Could you not mention this to your mother?
Bread.
Uh, no, I'm not.
La-la Land. I got the window seat, right?
Where?
(Laughs) yeah, burned. Whoo..
How are we gonna get out of here? We need a plan!
I don't understand things were going so great. What happened? Something must have happened. 
I tought I saw a face. 
George! She said George? She remembered my name. (loudly -- to a passing waitress and the rest of the restaurant) Diane DeConn remembered my name. She was the 'it' girl!
Yeah. I love Hampton tomatoes. You know, you can eat 'em like apples. You know it's funny, the tomato never really took on as a hand fruit.
You know you buy a big salad for somebody it would be nice if they knew it.
Who was flirting with you?
I did it. Hunh, we're going out as soon as she gets off of work and it'll still be daytime. You know I, I'm much better in the daytime then I am at night. it's less pressure.
Thank you.
 Ho ho.  This bizarre ?harrod? experiment must end!
(to Elaine) You don't tip a gardener!
I'm going to find out what's going on. All right?
Ma, guess what!
No way.
(yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all crazy on me!
I don't know where you're getting this from. I....you're serious aren't you? Oh, (laughing) you see? You see, you just don't know my sense of humor. Dan, don't I joke around all the time?
(coughs) I've always smoked.
Stopped dead.
Holistic.. that sounds right.
What is Borax?
Who?
A drafty apartment? A... sweaterless friend? A ball-game giveaway Metlife windbreaker?
So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal. It took me 3 days of phone calls to get her to agree to see me again. Now she's waiting for me to call her, and she's
No.
You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty.
 What about you and Elaine?
What kind of hair?
(Frantically, takes phone and screams...) He'll call you back.
Okay, we'll go!
Well if you didn't think I was parking, why did you put it in head first?
It's about nothing.
A bubble boy?
Alright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that, he could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock! Susan's not going tonight you know.
What is with this damn zipper?
(thinking) This guy's perfect.
What about them?
You know I'm enjoying it very much. I think my coworkers are really taking to me. 
rush? you want a rush? drop a ball on your toe my friend, talk about a rush, you'll be throbbing, you'll see visions 
Oh, uh...it's George.
How's everything going? Everything O.K.?
Not that I'm aware of, no.
Hello, it's Natalie? Yeah, this is a business office but I'm not a business man per se. I'm here working for the people. Yes, I'm causing dissent. Stirring the pot. Getting people to question the whole rotten system.
You know, I can't believe you're bringin' in an extra bed for woman that wants to sleep with you. Why don't you bring in an extra guy too?
It's my money. What should I do? Throw it out the window? I know a guy who took his vacation on his change.
Yeah.
And, I'll have a club soda with no ice.
Somebody did that?
Tough.
Really?
Mick Jagger.
I mean, she's beautiful, right? She's just my type. The dark hair, the full lips.
Uh, I'm sorry, I can't do this..
How about Chinese?
Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria.
(Laughs) Steven, nothing is higher than an architect.
Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face. All right, all right. So you're watching the naked station.
(Inquiring about the chalk board) What is this?
So, the college cancelled the gig?
What, you're gonna pass up a wonderful opportunity to put that aloe pusher in her place?
(Looking at his finger) I think somethin' bit me. I just need another nickel. 
Don't leave (George slams the door)
Yes.
You don't tell him?
Oh. This I need. Hello!! Hello. i..i..is this the hair restoration clinic? ...Does anyone speak English?
God bless you.
You're not really gonna go to California, are you?
I called it.
Y'know the average life span for an American male is like, 72. You're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there.
You're giving me the 'it's not you, it's me' routine? I invented 'it's not you, it's me'. Nobody tells me it's them not me, if it's anybody it's me. 
What's for supper?
(continuing) I feel like a family. In fact, yesterday was Grace's birthday. She's such a sweet woman so, we had a little party, with cake and champagne. I made a toast. 
No difference. I could care less. She's Jerry's girlfriend. 
I can't believe how easy it is. I'm virtually Orthodox. All I have to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I'm in the club. 
(pauses for a few seconds) ...OK, I'm tellin' you right now - if your kiddin' around I'm not gonna be able to be your friend anymore. I'm serious about that. You got that.
She wasn't flirting with you.
There ya go.
I gotta find a way to work this out, I love that apartment.  It's so cozy, I'm ensconced in velvet.  You know, if it were socially acceptable--
You don't need a gardener.
So what? I'll start talking to him, you know, casual, and I'll work my way around to it.
No, it's nothing bad. I'm getting married.
I don't even know Peterman. How the hell am I gonna relax? I'm gonna have to be on all night. I don't like being on, Jerry, I would much rather be off.
Hey.
(adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven.
Oh yeeah.. well , Big smoker... I (coughs some more) gave it up for a while but it was too tough. Y' know.....I got no will power.
I don't know. (George sits down at the table. Kramer enters.)
(To Jerry) Let me ask you something.. How much do you think it would cost to have tonsils and adenoids removed in the hospital?
Well, it happened again.
Yeah, the neck hole thing, and I would appreciate it if you would say you're sorry.
So, attractive one day - not attractive the next?
Korea.
He still wins but it's not a blowout.
 Are you sure?
Flowing?
I was in the middle of a conversation.
Where, where? I can't see.
No forget the story.
I don't know, she said she had to pick up a friend of hers at the airport. It cost me a hundred dollars this ticket.
No... What guy?
It's stuck on a piece of cloth here. I can't get the cloth out.
Maybe you don't have to be so funny. I mean, would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks I'm very funny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.
Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war!
They are?
all right! rock-climbing! J..just the 2 of us? alright! hey I'll make some sandwiches, what what do you like? tuna? peanut butter? 
Nothing...little problem.
Hey! Wow, the K-Man! (They walk into the kitchen inside)
Listen, Buck, I uh...obviously I don't need to talk to you about the importance of player morale, but uh...I've been talking to some of the guys, and some of them - I don't want to mention any names - but some of them...they're not too happy with the polyester uniforms.
I'm sorry I missed it.
That's the genius of it.
I didn't think ahead.
All right, all right, one more time, one more time! What was the exact phrasing of the request?
(sarcastically) That's funny. You're a funny guy.
(to Jerry, sarcastically) Yeah, doctor. I'm going to have to wait in that little room all by myself, aren't I? (He picks up a crossword puzzle.) I better take this. I hate the little room. (George walks into the hallway that leads to the doctor's office.) 'Oh, hello, Doctor.'
You like ice?
I never heard of anyone would turned down an apartment because of a weak shower spray.
Hey, listen don't oversleep. You can't afford to be late again.
Did anybody see Firestorm?
Oh, I love full lips. Something you can really put the lipstick on.
I feel like I'm in bed with my mother.
' I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser.' This is what he said to me. 
I just thought it would be nice. A little variety.
I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships. (Laughs) The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence? (Laughs)
Boy, these are really bad details.
'Scarsdale surprise'. That's the musical about that Scarsdale diet doctor murder.
(Modestly) Forget it.
This good be so sweet, Jerry. Saving lives? She's one step away working at the clinique counter!
Ho, ho, ho! He's got a live one. He's just reeling his big fish in! 
What's the decision?
That is so funny!
We'll have a good time
I wasn't going to say anything, but then I could see that he wasn't going to open his mouth. (Chuckles)
Anyway, so he gave me his spare keys, now he wants to have my keys, so I need mine back from you.
What do you mean, oh no.
I didn't shave this morning. I don't feel like myself.
You don't? Boy, I think about it a lot. I think about it at my age. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age. All I'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane...
Sic semper tyrannis? What is that, Latin?
You're *damn* right it's me. 
He'll be back on Monday. 
He he he he 
That's all there is to it. By Christmas day I will be Brother Costanza. 
Good. Cause if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your idea of some cute little game... we're finished!
 I've said that before?
Maybe he's resting.
I'm getting married?
He knows the worlds theory.
Alright, you having a good time there?
I want to know how did that get into my car?
Well(coughs) I can't stop now...(coughs) I'm addicted...
Kinda busy here.
Uh-huh. And how much does the healer charge?
(Mutters) No, it's not.
You're an alcoholic! You have to apologize. Step Nine! Step Nine.
Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome -- she's a two-face.
She's off. (goes over to the now available public phone)
What?
I'm cheap? You think I'm CHEAP? How could you say that to me? I can't believe this. How could you say that to me?
 She told me she wants-- (Pauses until a woman coming down the stairs passes)  She told me she wants me to make love to her.
Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick lustrous hair is very important to me.
The point is I was here first.
Who says you gotta have a story? Remember when we were waiting for, for that table in that Chinese restaurant that time? That could be a TV show.
Boy!
Eh, but, you know, Mr. Ross, if - if you look at the whole situating, what with it being your cigars, and everything, it's really rather ironic - one might even say, in a sense, comical.. (Mr. Ross has, by now, left the room. Mrs. Ross is pointing at George, nodding, laughing. As if to say he hit the bullseye. George calls out to Mr. Ross) Really. Think about it.
That's a very good question. You know she and I go out for dinner, she doesn't even reach for the check. That?s all I?m asking for is a reach. Is that so much to ask for?
Have a good time. 
Listen, you go over to the ticket counter, I'm going to go stop in the gift shop and pick up a copy of Time magazine. There's supposed to ba blurb about Jerry in it and I think he mentioned my name!
This is a brand new jacket. Boy this really burns me up, ...
Not at all.
Hand modeling? (Shakes his head 'No')
alright alright, I gotta buy some bread 
Can I come upstairs, please? (Elaine pushes the button and lets George in.)
Well, they get very hot in the polyester. You know, it's not a natural fibre. I think they would prefer cotton.
Oh...pretty good.
Hey. I got Jon Voight's LeBaron. (Jingles the keys.)
I didn't say any other bawdy things.
A decent hotel-room...
I said, do you like ice?
So, did you get your new plates?
You know, I could have actually gone to that.
For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to.
Geez, Hey you know something, you should try my friend's wake up service. She swears by this thing.
Yeah.
(downcast) Yeah, too bad. Too bad.
No. That's not that. 
Nothing at all.
Well, all vacations have to end eventually.
Oh I hate to hear this. That kind of growth really irritates me.
Well, we were engaged to be married, uh, we bought the wedding invitations, and, uh, yada yada yada, I'm still single.
It's nothing.
Well I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They - they didn't move.
Of course not! Wash it, dry it, move on!
(Stingy) It's wrinkled. It's worthless. 
Yes, I, uh, I need to return this book.
Wait, have you ever seen him throw up?!
Ah, come on
(Frantically) Jerry, Jerry?
I don't know. He said he wants to be my 'key brother.'
What are you doing? Where do you think you're going?
Look at this.
You don't?
Two tickets to 'Guys And Dolls'! I'm gonna go with you!
Grateful? How can you be grateful when you're *so* close to the end? When you know that any second-- Poof! Bamm-O! It can all be over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting on the wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake...
What is that? B.O.?
Really? What does it mean?
I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me. 
So you think she likes me? 
Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence. 
Oh my god he's not kidding. (exhale gasp)
(outside, looking the guy trying the suit through the window, and thinking out loud) What's this? Can't I leave this place for a second? (goes in, take off his jacket, walks to the guy and talks to him with an european accent) Can I help you? 
This is fantastic. Man, what a weekend. Swimming, lobster for dinner...
Ewing's hurt? How long is he going to be out?
What are you, a doctor?
I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything. Touch this, feel that ' seventy-five bucks!
So I spoke a little to your little friend Denise last night.
Yes!
Ha! (grabs his coat and exits the apartment)
(shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me, Jerry. I had this name for a long time.
That doesn't explain the lipstick on the dashboard?
Oh my god....
Why can't I stay?
This is a fantastic place! I always thought it was a meat packing plant!
Well why don't you get a hold of it and change what you don't like. 
Oh, yeah? Holistic.. that's what I need. That's the answer.
Yeah. I had a great time.
(Irritated) It's called a T-square.
Yeah my parents have it. Sometimes it skips a generation.
(Annoyed) If that helps you..
(As the Twix starts to move) Ha, ha, ha, ha! (The Twix gets stuck in the spindle right before falling. George begins to pound the machine) Come on! Jump! 
Korea.
You should have lied.
You go in the living room. I'll take the test in here.
 Yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
But I'm backing in! You can't put it in head first!
I could be a character.
... Susan.
Alright the administrator's on the third floor. I'll meet you guys back at the car.
me too, I am down, I am totally down, mark me down 
Yeah. Cotton breathes, you see, it's much softer. Imagine playing games and your team is five degrees cooler than the other team. Don't you think that would be an advantage? They're cooler, they're more comfortable...they're happier - they're gonna play better.
Really?
Well, it's about Holly Go-Lightly.
All right, you know you're not any help at all here. I don't know what even the point is of talking to you anymore.
 Hey.
You can't be serious. This is New York city. There must be eleven million decent hotel rooms! Whatta you need? A flag? (waving his handkerchief) This is the signal, Jerry, this is the signal! 
Don't you think you get more without it?
What do they say?
Well, I didn't want to break our date.
I'd like to have a kid. Of course, you have to have a date first... Remember my friend, Adam, from Detroit?
Ah, not yet.
No. 
So, how do you like the way I talked you into comin' down here?
You're a very handsome man, by the way.
(Holding up Kramer's book) According to this, it took.. 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath - no offence. (Pause) So, uh, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting me shove off in this beauty?
Better than before?
Yada.
What, Minelli's!?!
You miss her, don't you?
No no no no no, this has to be carefully orchestrated. You go to a fancy dinner, flowers...
Silence YES!!
Why not?
Good for you.
(over the speaker) It's George.
Um, all right, um, uh, I'll call 'ya. I'll call you and we'll talk on the phone. A telephone communiqu&eacute;. Every thing is fine ok, uh, fine, .. [exits]
Kramer put Jerry on the phone.
That's Kramer.
Hey hey hey, we're in a rush here.
'Cause I shaved yesterday in the afternoon.
No they don't. I tried that once. I snubbed for a year. Nothing. Every woman I saw, I snubbed. You never saw people so pleased. (Elaine returns from the bathroom.)
It's 'Guys And *Dolls*', not 'Guys And *Guys*'.
What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any *sense*?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?!
This is *unbelievable* B.O.
I can see that.
Me neither!
Yes well unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out. 
A what?
No, no, no, this suit is not for sale. (tries to take off the suit from the guy) 
You saw who, what?
Geez.
Today. I'm going today. Just don't do anything until you hear from me.
What's seventy-five bucks?! What, am I seeing Sinatra in there?! Am I being entertained? I don't understand this. I'm only paying half.
Yeah for two hours. She's nuts about you.
No. I didn't get it.
Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store?
Well, if it doesn't concern me, then I can stay. (Kramer grabs the back of George's chair, drags him out into the hallway and closes the door.)
Oh! Modelling! What's that like? Fun? Ha ha. (to self in head) Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
I am in and out of my personnel file at work all the time. 
The whole hour just flew by. (laughs - hehe) (Begins cleaning up the table.)
You wanted to see me, sir?
Willie. Yeah.
(Laughs nervously) ..Ulterior motive.
I-I don't get these birds! They're breaking the deal. It-it's like the pigeons decided to ignore me!
(Identifying what Jerry said) Clint Eastwood!
They did? 
Hamstring.
I won't be able to, concentrate in front of you.
Do you speak English?...English!!
 I swear.
Let me ask you this. If you stick your hand in the hair is it easy to get it out?
Are you gonna move the car?
Yeah. You could base a character on me.
What kind of plastic do you think it is? What do you think like that dry cleaning plastic?
You're out?! 
UH, ha ha, ... It's just SO frustrating. It's a brand new jacket.
Wait a second, where are you going?
That's good, we'll give it a try...
The pig-man can take the bus.
uh.. ma&ntilde;ana? huh ma&ntilde;ana might.. huh ma&ntilde;ana might be a problem, I'm supposed to have huh a boil lanced ma&ntilde;ana. Huh you know I think they charge me if I cancel with only one ma&ntilde;ana's notice 
Oh - I've got something.
Yeah, she's quite a character.
Yeah, well, I guess the only thing I can do is go into George Steinbrenner's office and tell him he has to give her a raise.
I think I was affected by the caffeine. 
I have plants. (snorts)
Because I... I love you.
He's a cube. Anyway, he got married six months ago. He told me ever since he's been wearing a wedding band, women have been coming on to him everywhere he goes.
Yes sir!
I've got some plans. I got plans. 
All I know is I've been going to doctors all my life. What has it gotten me? I'm thirty-three years old. I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I've never had a normal, medium orgasm.
What is Tungsten or Wolfram?
(Yelling out) It's my apartment, Eldridge! The Stalkholm may not have sunk ya, but I will! Ha, ha, ha!
I been, uh, thinking about the family. Tell me, uh, about Aunt Baby.
This is all too much. So what are you feeling? What's going on? Are you like a couple again now?
You miss her.
Yeah, you gotta do it classy (wipes his mouth to his sweater.)
She's still doing that?
(Confused) Flagged?
It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
Kramer!! Kramer no!!
Really, I was, I was only kidding around.
What for?
What are you doing?!
Because of the day before. It's a long story.
Gee, I'm sorry... I got here first.
Uh, I just went out, I went to look for my friend?
So, let me ask you. Do you think I could have done this?
I don't know.
Yeah so did I. 
(pauses) A marine biologist?
(leaving the european accent) No. (laughs)
He probably doesn't want to get chocolate on his fingers. That's the way these society types eat their candy bars.
No, no. No, no, no. It was not trash!
(shifty, avoiding Jerry's eyes) Fine, fine. (he removes his coat)
Ho, ho, ho, good dog, good dog...
I got scared there for a second. The Knicks without Ewing.
(to the woman) Boy, I have to get to a bathroom.
Why not?
Yeah, yeah. She's punctual... and uh she's been late, sometimes.
Why didn't anything happen between you two?
I made a mistake.
Oh mother of God.
And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do it!
You know, I used to love Paris. My uh, dead Fianc&eacute;e, Susan.. (opening wallet) In fact I. think I, I may have a picture of her..
Hey. I've kept the same job for more than two years. It's not luck. Elaine, have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to anyone? 
Oh, thanks, Bobby. (To Celia) Well, I guess I'll see you in four days.
Oh, yes. I already packed up my desk, sir. I can be outta here in an hour.
Well what if I told you I'm thinking of moving here?
(Obviously knows that, but pretends he doesn't) What, tonight? Now?
(Leading Nina out the airport) Oh, no. No. We're good. Let's get goin'. Alright. (Almost bumps into Jerry) Watch it, funny man. (Leaves)
Hey, check this out. I gotta give out Christmas presents to everyone down at Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley. (Give a Christmas card to Jerry)
That's gotta hurt!
Hotel.
When I was working I spent baby.
Are you kidding me? [Elaine walks past the window glancing in] This is the best tool we have today of measuring a persons' intelligence.
 I, I, I can't.
Hello everybody.
I'd like to be able to get it out.
Hello. I'm O'Brien.
Jerk!
Yeah. There's something wrong with that? I'm a character. People are always saying to me, 'You know you're a quite a character.'
Costanza. Costanza.
Wait a minute, please--
How do you know? What if pig-man had a two-seater?
Nothing, I... said it was a little problem.
You saw Jane topless?
Yeah, she's very lovely.
No.
3 days.
I wonder if that's really true.
Oh, well, I'm sure you can reach her...she's a poet. What does a poet need an unlisted number for?
What's the difference? 
Besides, what's it gonna cost me? Thirty-eight bucks?
(glances upwards) Yeah. Uhm, why did she die so young?
Not exactly. What does that mean?
Almost. Couldn't get the girl go out with me the second time.
Alright, I'll tell you what you do. You call her back and give her the 'it's me', heh? Pull the old switcheroo.
It says that on the computer?
It's...gotta hurt! Hurt! Because...Aaarrrrrgh!
English. Does anybody speak English .Nobody speaks English.
hitting phone
Jerry? Why?
There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there.
It's not him!
You don't understand, there's a *blurb* about me in this magazine!
[as if the word were totally foreign] My `stub'?
Now everyone's going to think we're gay!
No, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism.
Yeah, me too.
This woman just set me up for a job!
No. She tried to give me the 'it's not you, it's me' routine. 
Why am I a marine biologist?
Look, I'm doing you a favor. They're having an unadvertised sale. This suit is gonna be half-priced starting ... Monday. 
What, you think I eat all my meals with you? (To waitress) Excuse me, sweetheart? I think you may have overcharged us. What is this?
Yes.
(shifty) Yeah.
Well, that's flattering. 
It's your decision.
What about it?
Oh, no no no. I pay what I say.
I guess... (chuckles) today she's late.
Wait till you hear this! (George sees Donna and no Jerry.) Whoa, ah, I'm sorry, I didn't, I had no idea.
Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
All right. Well, we'll see what happens to you.
Oh yeah the nipple. But besides that. How did you feel about Kramer's work? 
No, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking a lot clearer. Like this afternoon, (To television) what is chicken Kiev, (Back to Jerry) I really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise.
Of course you will. (quick chuckle). You're the best. (with a light fist motion across her chin)
My place? NO, no, no. I hate my place. I don't wanna go back to my place.
Boy that-that bank clock is-is eight minutes off.
(With pride) Made it up.
(frantic by now) SHUT UP,SHUT UP, SHUT UP,...(then leaves)
Damn you, laser guy! You had to grab it all with your lowbrow laser shtick! You're just a prop comic! Where's the craft?!
She put them in her pocketbook. I guess she took them with her.
Well, I think you're wrong about that.  [Elaine walks past the window again, glancing in] And ah now if you'll excuse me, I'd really like to get started, please.
 Please, it's--
(uncomfortablly) Thank you.
What about the skin? I need a good cheek, I like a good cheek.
No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special.
Do you believe this guy?
Elaine could be a character. Kramer..
The guy who pitched him the show with the stories about nothing. (snaps fingers) Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld's friend.
But Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me for the soup...
I'll tell you what, if pig-man shows up, we'll squeeze him in. I'll see you later.
Kramer, they like everybody. They're friendly people. 
Well...I was in the locker room showering, and I...I had to go, so...
Oh you mean face down on her chest.
So did you enjoy your lunch?
I couldn't. You know, if it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate.
So?
Yes I did.
Thanks a lot. I'll give it back to you in a week.
Thank God that's over.
I'm gonna slip him a mickey. 
Is that common in our family?
Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done.
Eat me alive, huh? We'll see who can make it in *this* town.
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (He's sitting on the floor in his Play Now office).
(surprising his parents in the kitchen) Welcome back.
What the hell is a gander, anyway?
(Outraged. Leaving) Well, you just lost a lot of business! Because I love to read!
No. No T-bone.
In this scene my co-star who's right over here ( goes over to George who is still on the phone) Follow meeeee... is George Costanza, he plays an airline pilot who's just returned from Rome and I'm about to show him how much I've missed him.
Okay, look, Audrey, before you take the bandage off just remember that I was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know? Now that you're gonna be a great beauty, let's not forget how this all began. You know, like if you'd listened to your friend, Elaine,
Eh, gee, I hope you have the key for these things.
So what?
Milano.
Well all right, beautiful, so you stop in. Ya, ya visit the bubble boy for twenty minutes and then we can go.
You don't remember me?
It's funny! (To Elaine) and it wouldn't kill you to not be so funny either.
No, not at all...
What if her experience with me *drove* her to it?
What, are you kidding? (Points at the flaws of Jerry's hands) The knuckles are all out of proportion. you got hair over there - where do you get off comparing your hands to my hands?! This is a one-in-a-million hand. (Points to his own hand)
Yeah. Well aparently word's out. 
Hey, Lloyd. (Shakes hands with Lloyd) How's it going? (chuckles)
(proffering glasses) I hope prune juice is alright. It's the only thing I had that was chilled. 
Alright, what are we getting? It's hot in here!
But I'm not a marine biologist!
Yea Yea Yea
Got it. (the waitress walks away) Did you just see what happened here?
It wasn't down in, it was sort of on top.
What?
No. Nothing. Fine. (he sits at the table)
What?
Yup.
I just wanted to talk to him for a minute, but I'll come back.
Yeah. Hey, let ask you something. Is it just me, or - or do you find it unbearable to be around Jerry and that girl?
What are you looking at me like that for?
Listen, lemme ask you a question. What if I got a cup of coffee with her?
So it was a good experience. 
You think?
Yeah, I would. It's just, you know, I just ate a whole pot roast.
Zing.
What do you think?
(from the street below Jerry's window) Jerry!
A... ah...
Don't need it. N'huhuhu (laughs)
 I... I... I long for you.
It's an early Christmas present.
Is there a pinkish hue?
I am not putting it in a garage, it's my space.
Right.
Mister Seinfeld? What about Mister Costanza? I'm not here?
(into phone, frantic) Mister Dalrimple! Mister Dalrimple I have to talk to you!
(Stern, trying to shut her up) Ma. 
uh Tony? there's not gonna be too many sandwiches 
Anyway, I think the guy in the shower opposite saw me. He gave me a dirty look.
Face up on her back?
oh, . . .because she handed you the bag. I could have handed you the bag. She happened to pick it up at the restaurant even though, . . .
No, I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not. What am I gonna do? The book club meets in a few days.
I feel alive, Jerry.
(unenthusiastic) Congratulations.
What do you think I said?
I'm not doing that.
(smiling) Well, we're certainly glad that you could make it.
You don't understand. He's got this big party coming up. He's been looking forward to this for months. This is gonna destroy the whole thing. 
April.
Oh, you know what you're like? You're like a pathetic gambler. You're one of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack.
Find a job. Get an apartment.
Siege mentality, Jerry. They really want me out of here. They've downgraded me to some sort of a bunker. I'm like Hitler's last days here.
Quick for a... catered affair.
Actually, I did have a thought.
Give me the phone. (dials) Yea, Hi I would like to speak to Patrice. ... what? ... oh really? ... oh, ok, thank you, ... (hangs up)
(visibly disturbed) I...I..I dunno.
Yeah?
You know, my mother used to walk around on our apartment just in her bra and panties. She didn't look anything like you, she was really disgusting, really bad body. If you could imagine uglier and fatter version of Shirley Booth. Remember Shirley Booth from Hazel. Really embarrassing, cause you know I had only mother in the whole neighborhood who was worse looking than Hazel. Imagine the taunts I would hear.
Well, I don't see why if you have his, he should have yours.
Should I take some?
Umm... No.
I went in with a pretty woman? You know, kinda short, big wall o' hair, face like a frying pan?
Hi.
The woman she's 'lesbianing' with? Susan told me she's *never* been with a guy.
Dad, that other car cut us off! They had swastikas all over it... They were hurling racial epiphates at us... I could have been killed!
This is it! It happened to me, Jerry! I was sitting in the restaurant, the two nut jobs were talking - I couldn't take it any more. I got up, and (Makes a noise) I bop into this woman..
Well, I join them in their grief.
Really? At the tennis match? 
I'm sorry about that lock on the liquor cabinet. The combination musta just flown outta my head. It's a mental block. 
What's that?
So?
Yes. Now take off those pants. 
Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger.
Above the rim.
Cosmo?
My regular face.
(not believing him) You what?!
You sure?
Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
Yup.
Why do they have to do that in front of people?
What are you talking about?
So, they didn't give you a piece of cake? Big deal.
(worked up) I can't have a cup of coffee with a person?! I'm not allowed to have coffee?!
Nice. 
Oh my God. I just remembered where I left my retainer in second grade. I'll see ya. (He throws finished Rubik's cube to Jerry and he exits. Kramer enters)
Shouldn't we at least drop off your bag?
Did you see that? That-that pigeon didn't move! I had to swerve to get out of the way! I saved that pigeons life!
(Once again, Identifying) The Outlaw of Josey Whales!
A man gave me...
I'm sorry I'm sorry, here's the test. Thanks again for doing this - hhe.
 I was so shocked I was lucky I said anything.
For you.
Yes, a rosy glow.
Are you coming back down?
Absolutely nothing.
Okay. A little.
It's about the show. It... No, it was...
Wait a minute, wait a minute, do you think I?m comfortable here. I can't change, I?ve got no clothes here! You've got to go like that, I can?t go like this alone!
Ma, people can hear you. 
[whispering] Elaine? [loud whisper] Elaine! [louder whisper] Elaine!
You see, my friend here, his aunt passed away last night.
Oh, this isn't even B.O.! This is *beyond* B.O.! It's *B*.B.O.!
She stayed over? 
huh Kramer it's huh.. gonna be pretty dangerous up there 
Yeah, so what? I'm not the only one! (Kramer enters with his quilt.)
Well why'd she do that?
. . . naw, it's just you thanked HER, and and oh, . . . what's the difference?
'Why don't I rent the movie.' See, this is when I like you. Alright, now I'm relieved. (Kramer enters and comes over to the booth.)
Hey...you don't think...sure, that's Jon Voight's pencil!
Right, can we go? 'Cause I'm double-parked, I'm gonna get a ticket.
I know, I know, that's what they said.
I told her the truth.
No, I'll put half a can of mousse in my head like you.
What difference does it make what she looks like?
Oh yes, Mr.Wilhelm, yeah...
We're gonna hang around here a little while....something funny going on here
No. No. No. No. No. Don't worry. It's perfectly safe. I researched it. He'll get a little woozy. He might keel over. 
Really?
Oh no I'm in already come on.</font>
Sure, all right. Tell me the rules.
Never mind. The're done. All I have to do now is redo them. You know if you take everything I've ever done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent.
Oh no! I'm vigilant. They'll never get me out. I'm like a weed, Jerry.
You ditched me. That's twice. Now I demand to know what's going on!
As you will see, the candy bar is paid for, and yet, remains dangling in the machine. (Notices that the Twix slot is completely empty) Hey, it's gone. Where is my Twix? (Quickly looks around. His sights fall on the window of a door labeled 'Employees Only'. The same mechanic from before is eating a candy bar) What?! That guy's eatin' it! 
Why don't you just ask him?
Good, let her think it.
She never came back from lunch.
Like a 'Hey your mother is uglier than Hazel. Hazel really puts your mother to shame'
What?
I'm starving...
(laughs) hu hu.
But you are Blanche... You *are* in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my *Time* magazine! Laaaast copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow-- in the park! It's supposed to be a beeyootiful day! Have a nice life... sentence, that is!
[quite out loud, not even pretending to whisper] Elaine!
No, not a loser!
That's where I come in. Umm, on splat. Uh, you see, Mrs. Sweedler, or is it hospital administrator Sweedler?
Get out of here. I didn't see any cameras there. 
Oh, it's good.
You know Elaine, I'd do it but I'm working that day. 
(bashful) No, that's me. 
Twelve dollars? I knew we should have gone to the bakery. I guarantee you they're not getting no twelve dollar cake.
I didn't even know it was a job.
So, what do you think?
It was on a magazine! And it still had the doily on.
(quietly) ahh.
 The wedding is off.  Now you can go to the Super Bowl.
What are you saying?
No! My ticket?! You gave my ticket to Horneck?
Okay.
Huge matzoh ball.
What is that with the shmoopy?
(frustrated) Not necessarily.
Wha..? I didn't tell you? I gotta go meet Elaine.
No one's putting a gun to your head. Do I, uh, scare you?
So eh, you eh, wanna get together tomorrow?</font>
(Nervous) What are you talking about?
Squirrel? Well, we have no deal with THEM!
She's not there. She left. She must've waited and left because those people wouldn't get off the phone.
A man gave me... a massage. hu, hu...
Ah, ah, twenty to three.
All right, Kramer that's it.....( pushes the camera) Hello . English. Does anyone speak English
 I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.
What's going on?
Who cares about eyebrows? Is she sweet? I like sweet. But not too sweet, you could throw up from that.
Alright, just make sure he reserves the good chair for me. Wait, what are you gonna tell him about the clanking noise in the car?
We go into NBC.
...It was all a terrible misunderstanding, sir. Just five minutes. Just five minutes of your time. (listens) Thank you! Thank you, Mister Dalrimple.
That?s not the issue, we're friends, if I?ve got to be uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too!
(Getting up) Alright, Ma, that's enough! 
Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her.
The sex wasn't so good? 
(to the saleswoman) You know honey for an unadvertised sale, you're doing a lot of yapping about it. 
You mean she just laid there topless?
It's just that I was the one who actually paid for the big salad. She just happened to hand it to you. But it's no big deal.
Ah! See? I told ya.
So what? That's good.
The weather guy, Dr. Waldo.
Yes, as I see it.
So, where you gonna stick this (points to the Fusilli Jerry)
Yes, she's pretty. What difference does it make?
I know, but don't say anything to anyone. He told me not to tell you.
This is what they would do in the movies! It's a beautiful thing! It's like a movie! I'm gonna slip him a mickey! 
Yes.
I guess you two are the lucky ones.
(To himself) So you're havin' the sex, next day you don't have to call. That's pretty good. (Back to Jerry) Go ahead.
I'm a weed in Hitler's bunker.
You know what? It doesn't matter, because I quit!
Hello, friend. Enjoying the flight?
Uh, it was dangling! There were only two left in the machine! He must've bought one, and gotten both. 
(puzzled) I bought it. (enters lobby)
Maybe he's, um... mixed.
'Cause Neil Watkins from accounting is T-bone!
All right. At last, we're finally gettin' out of here.
(dials) Hi, are you OK? no, no,.. huh, (hangs up) She hung up.
How do you kn ow?
I said 'God bless you'. Was that so wrong?
Alright, listen, I'll give you your spare keys, but I don't have them with me. Can I please have mine to give to back to Kramer?
They're cuffing him.
Laguardia? All right, let's go. C'mon...
You went for the big 'E'.
Mrs. Sweedler thank you. Y-You see, this tragedy affected me in a very, very personal way.
Cracks? What were they saying? 
Nothing.
Yes, it is consistent. I've, uh, I've tried to maintain a consistent feel throughout the house. 
Oh no, I am down! 
. . . Why not?
Well what if she calls me? What am I supposed to say?! (hand hits the table)
Channel eleven? Forgive me for trying to class up this place, for trying to have the Yankees reach another strata of society that might not watch channel eleven.
One little bite.
Oh. It's just horse manure (huh huh - laughs, he points back at the horse that walked by) Horse manure's not that bad. I don't even mind the word 'manure.' You know, it's, it's 'nure,' which is good. and a 'ma' in front of it. MA-NURE. I mean when you consider the other choices, 'manure' is actually pretty refreshing.
Hey di ho
 You just gave them to him two days ago, he's gotta give you a grace period.
I got nothing.
Why did you give him my ticket for?
Donna. Oh, you're the one that likes that commercial!
Well, it's all over. I slipped up.
Oh yeah, al-almost. Almost.
The shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmmopy, shmoopy!
Call the Embassy.
What is this? The marble rye?
(shouts) Of course there's something wrong! (points at Jerry) We had a pact!
I don't know. She..She's having some problems with this guy she's seeing.
Hey, hey, how was Florida?
Yeah, she's a sweet ride.
What about this weekend?</font>
Who's that?
I am? What a strange coincidence..
And you threw it out the window?
Yeah, I told her to call me here and to tell anyone who answers the phone to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses. I better tell him I'm expecting a call.
Ask about you, ask about you.
So he... had his hands and, uh, he was uh...
Thanks again.
 That's a lot of pressure.  Make love to me.  What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver?
Get going? But we haven't really, you know....
Oh, come on, you're good at this.
(Scoffs) Writer. We're talking about a sit-com.
All right there you go. It's a '47 cabin all right. So, we'll see you tomorrow.
No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist! 
Funny guy, huh?
OH!!!! What are you, crazy?! Are you, crazy?!
So? 
Algae,... obviously plankton, hmhm. I don't know what else I could tell ya, ah, Oh I-I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands, I was living with the turtles.
Walked around? And you looked?
No, no,
So?
Because filth is good. Whaddaya think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia lyin' around the bathroom? They, have a woman comin' over, 'I've gotta tidy up?' Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite.
No, of course not. I didn't-
What hat?
Well, you know, I was thinking about what you said before, and...you're right, I've never really been a couple, so...if that's the rule, then I'm gonna go by the rule.
Nah. 
..Okay.
I have tell you, I'm pretty impressed with the first one.
No keys. And I been calling the city all day. Course there's not really a number to call if you wanna make a pothole.
You wanna sell computers? I will show *you* how to sell computers! Hello, Mr. Farneman. You wanna buy a computer? No? Why not? All right, I see! Good answer! Thank you! (Lloyd rings his sale bell) Serenity now!
I'm not following.
(Heavily sarcastic. He's angered at Jerry) Good one. Very funny. You're very funny, Jerry. That's what I always tell people. (Yelling out) Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy!
No! (The salesman walks away. He addresses the mechanic through the door's window) Hey! Hey! I see you! That is my Twix! (The mechanic eats the last of the Twix, obviously to make George even more angered. It works) Oh, ha, ha! Ho, ho! 
I really don't think we're supposed to be talkin' about this.
It's probably chocolate.
All right. There's nothing to be worried about. She's just a little annoyed right now. Tomorrow I'll personally go over there. I'll apologize. I'll get the papers. Don't worry. Don't worry. (exits)
Of course it's cashmere.
I suppose he's an attractive man, I , ...
Hi.
You don't think you can buy the ticket yourself...? No, there, there...you sit, and I'll purchase the ticket for you.
I'm uh... writing a pilot for NBC...
Yes, well you see, the deceased landed on my car. The uh splat, as it were, actually occurred on the roof of my car. Now of course I can't help but feel that had it been a convertible this whole tragedy might have been averted but I've never been the kind of guy to buy a convertible, what with the baldness and everything.
Oh my god, maybe Gwen saw it. Maybe that's what did it. 
The Ray Conniff Singers. (nervous chuckle) 
alright alright 
'throws your hips off kilter' So where's your money? (pulls out his wallet)
Well, what was I supposed to do? Get out of the shower, put on my bathrobe? Go all the way down to the other end? Come all the way back?
I am eating my dessert. How do you eat it, with your hands?
But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt!
Yeah.
 Well, didn't he regift the label maker?
What you talking about?
Oh, c'mon, Jerry. I can't believe this.
(back-pedalling) No, he, he didn't actually tell me that, uh, we were talking about that commercial ' in fact I think I brought it up because I like that commercial. No, he, he would never tell me anything. He never discusses anything. He's, he's like a clam. You're not gonna mention this, to him...
You have any idea how fast these things deteriorate when there's an 'I love you' out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where one person says, 'I love you', and the other says, 'I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.'.
I had to listen to a five minute discussion on which one is actually called shmoopy.
Why?
'scuse me. I uh, I was in here this morning and uh, I believe I paid you with a twenty dollar bill, (smiles) but you only gave me change for a ten.
Yeah, yeah. She's seeing this guy, Art Vandelay.
(Sitting on the sofa) I'm on no sleep, bro.
Maybe.
OK, ah.. (George throws his keys on the table) see ya!</font>
So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't deserve it, though! Even if he did suffer, that was, like, 40 years ago! What has he been doing lately?! I've been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday!
Hey Kramer.
(Pleading) You gotta let me go over there.
God, you're like a rock star.
Your girlfriend is doin' your laundry?
He-he was uh... touching and rubbing. (nervous laugh)
A-and don't settle for 145, you can do better, you're a genius. Heheheh (laughs)
Huh. Excuse me (to Ping) Hum... Do you speak chinese?
Very exciting, very exciting, it's like watching a birth.
 I can't perform under pressure.  That's why I never play anything for money, I choke.  I could choke tonight.  And she works in my office, can you imagine?  She goes around telling everyone what happened?  Maybe I should cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.
What are you doing? You're robbing me?
I don't know, I don't know, you'll think of something.
Yes, but I still don't feel right about letting you into Kramer's apartment without his permission.
Yeah. I think we really go something here.
Wo-hoah! What did you do?
(Like a kid) Because I don't want to. 
Hello?
You coulda damaged my hand!
Yeah.
Did you ask her? 
I can't believe that you saw her before me.
There is no problem. . . just a small miscommunication. Whereby you thanked her instead of the person actually responsible for purchasing the big salad.
So, what are you saying?
Yeah, I wish.
(pointing at Jerry) Oh, he's the comedian.
No.
She wants to talk to you.
Yeah. You like it.
Well...maybe not as much as this bastard... (points at Zeke, they all laugh) I can hold my own! (they all continue laughing and drinking)
So, you wanna go home and...make up, officially?
We can't just let him get away with this.
I got a source. 
No, you see? You got greedy.
I tell you this. If the real Phil Rizzuto was down there, this wouldn't be happening!
Jerry, I'm trapped under my desk. Steinbrenner is in the room. You got to help[ me.
You're cuttin' me loose?
Of course I'm all right. I'm here with my girl, Nina. And what better way to pass the time than gabbing with my best friend -- with whom there are no secrets. (Flashes two intertwined fingers) Like this. Since the fourth grade.
Alright. Uh, well, I'm out of here. (Gets up to leave)
(standing up) I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.
Well who doesn't.
Hate those couples. I could never bee one of those couples. There are no bald woman around. You know?
Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let me say this: Once he passes on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs.
George, how you doing?
and JERRY: Very nice, very nice, nice.
I understand you offer a 50%-off 'bereavement' fare...?
Stinks.
Yes but then everything is all pulled down and it's jus.. Anyway. The damage, unfortunately, has marred an otherwise fine automobile, rendering it virtually undriveable.
She must have seen me eating it on TV. 
It's a pot pourri. May I, uh, may I show you the master bedroom? (they leave together) 
yeah that's right. I like it. He's such a cool guy 
So what do you do?
Oh, no...no, that's very bad for the kidneys.
Huh. Really?
 Well, if he can regift, why can't you degift?
Will you stop it?
Oh, please. (to the teller) Can you change this into bills?
yeah! 
I mean, now she thinks that I'm one of these guys that love her. Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them.
And I cancelled plans to go to the movies with them tonight.
We're in Turkey?
Oh, I think so, and I can prove it. You see, I was doodling on the bill and uh, so if you have a twenty in there with big lips on it... well, (smiles) that's mine. Would you mind opening up the register?
He's an importer-exporter.
(Muttering) Susan has the doll collection.. one of the dolls looks exactly like my mother.. she likes to sleep with it.
Guess not.
Yes, yes I am.
Oh, those, those aren't my keys.</font>
(Interested) I should!
What's desert?
No, I'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the scent of stale Bosco that I had to live with for three years, and I'm gonna say, 'Remember this shirt, baby?! Well, now, it's payback time!'
Sounds like a scam. (takes a bite from the granola bar)
You're sleepin' with the maid?
All right, stop it! Stay away from my breasts! Chest!
And then I took my pants off.
Look...humm..I'm on with Beijing with the hair restauration clinic. Could you talk to them for me and tell them I'd like to place an order.
 I know, I know, I can't stop it!
Wait, wait a second, what are you doing?
You never should have taken away his keys!
An idea.
Yeah, right.
Well, I am not going. 
Mrs. Seinfeld?!?
Why not? 
Well, how good a look did you get?
Get out of the car!
No, no. He's just being modest.
Say? What? Nothing, I...
Why, the color?
You got the Yankee envelope?
What for?
And Elaine is gonna keep him busy. 
Where's Kramer? 
I know less about women than anyone in the world. But one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. It could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide (Displays with French fry) You're not going anywhere.
Jerry, . . .
How's that Tony?
They don't want to see me anymore!
(Yelling out to the whole coach) Funny guy! (Points to Jerry) Right here!
Yeah.
Ahh, money.
You know what I would like to do? I would really like to have sex with a tall woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant Like six five.
Well I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed again later, and it was also a single.
Nothing.
and JERRY: Yeah.
The death certificate?
Yes, a shame. That is exactly how I would put it. Now Mrs. Sweedler, with all due discretion and sensitivity, and taking in the whole scope of the situation, I just can't help but think that, the hospital is somehow responsible for compensating the other, still living 'victim' of horrendous, horrendous tragedy.
Why not. I would be. 
Well, it comes and goes.
he's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my whole life. You know.. it's a different world when you're with a cool guy, he's not afraid of anybody. You should hear the way he talks to waitresses.. he gets free pie! 
Medical journals!
Plenty of mosquitoes.
Well, how about that?
 I have a point, I have a point.
I don't have a flush.
(from the intercom) Yeah, it's George.
You want to be with somebody that doesn't like you.
You know, we absolutely should.
My card won't work there; they're not on the Plus system.
Fine, I'll buy a pack of gum.
(not happy delivering Elaine's lie) Well, he uh, he wants to uh, quit the exporting and uh, focus just on the importing. And it's a problem, because she thinks the exporting is as important as the importing.
(Long pause) ..Felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty spooky. (Takes off his glasses, rubbing his eye) It's freakin' me out man. And now I got to go back out there and pick up this doormat.
I didn't do nothin'.
(Still on the showers) Can I use hot water on my face?
Oh. Ha. They are my keys, how weird. (laughs)</font>
I could go bumper to bumper with any one else on this planet!
Really?
He eats those?
So, I broke up with Maura. It's done. I'm out.
Abort! Abort!
So you slept with her?
I've done that. Did you ever eat an ostrich burger?
For my hamstring.
They got a billion people over there and he found a relative.
No, that's my only suit. It cost me 350 dollars. I got it at Moe Ginsburg.
We had an incredible phone conversation. We talked for like twenty minutes. I threw away my notes in the middle of the call. You know, I thought she had a great voice timbre. Is it timbre or tamber?
How'd the Mets do?
An idea for the show.
Yeah, woman have no problem getting the hand off. How do they do that?
What? Really?
Well, Jerry's car gets hit and the other driver doesn't have any insurance, so the judge
So we had a good time... the four of us. 
Well, if she was a criminal and you had to describe her to a police sketch artist...
That's right, you heard me. Get out! You are ruining this whole experience for me!
Yeah.
I'm not going with him. I don't even know the guy. (to the teller) Look, they did this for me before.
You only think that because you know me.
Too flashy?
oh,
Oh, o.k., yeah. Where am I gonna park here...? (Pulls over.)
Forget it? I already called my parents. I told them to expect the surprise of a lifetime. My mother's making her roasted potatoes!
The same outfit?
I told her what a sexist he is. How he cheats on his wife. 
(delighted) Jerry? It was incredible! Models! As far as the eye could see!
Personal matter. 
How're the folks?
I hope I am.
Sh, sh, goodbye, sh, get away.
Why can't we do this on the phone? What's Kramer doing now?
It is. I'm just not ready yet.
(Interrupting) No!
I need like a bucket of water! I got a car overheating, I got an alarm that won't go off, I'm pressing 'one', I'm pressing 'two', nothing! What do I do?! Help me! Help me!
What was the tallest woman you ever slept with?
(clears his throat)
(Snapping) Is that important, really? What is this, a police investigation? The woman's been through enough. She has to relive the experience now?! 
My name is not mentioned in this blurb...
What kind of a sick person would do a thing like that?
Shh! This is it!
Yes.
You're parents saw me on TV? 
Story. 
hey nice move today 
So, Dad...
Yes, I sure did.
 Yeah.  What's that?
(broken, shouts) Gary Fogel never had cancer!
I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed Fair Game. I thought it was just brilliant.
'Ha..harrr.'
I am never saying 'I love you' again unless they say it first.
I don't know. He can be so weird sometimes.
I don't.
You stole the bread?
(trying to laugh it off) Right. C'mon! I'm having an affair with Elaine?! If I was having an affair with Elaine, I wouldn't tell you I'm going to see Elaine. I would make up some other person to tell you I was gonna go see, and then I would go see Ela..Elaine.
I don't. Susan wants to have it out when Sally comes tomorrow.
Yea bye.</font>
I think I understand this. Jay Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.
Ho, ha, ho! Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy!
Feels right. (cheerfully takes another bite)
That was very real.
And you automatically sleep with her?
He got about uh, two inches from... there.
They send me? Aw right ..ask 'em Does it really work?
No wait, you can't just leave me here! Will I see you again?
It's George
Why'd I think it was timbre? Yeah, she could do voiceover commercials, why didn't you tell me about her voice?
It's about nothing.
Alright, so, go ahead.
People are looking for tickets here?
(Defensively) You can look at them, but do NOT touch them. (Holds them out)
We all got along. Everyone seemed very pleasant. 
Bozo?
Great, great. So anytime you want you can just visualize her naked.
Get out!
(feeling awkward) It's uh, not bad, it's comin' along. Why? Did you need something.
You want me to roll six thousand of these?! What, should I quit my job?!
I noticed people staring at my head because they like what they see.
(broaching a subject) Hey mom. What kind of woman was grandma?
(Obviously lying) No.
Hey, he,
Me run in? Why don't you run in?
Who is this Rava?
How many days was it between encounters.
But she didn't know he doesn't recycle. 
Yes. The legends are true.
(Still on the hot water) What about shaving?
So? Movie tonight?
?? get away??
Kramer. Anything good in there? Any Popsicles?
Ah, shut up, Jerry. My parents think they can ignore me. Heh heh. Well, they better think again.
Stop it! It's nothing. It's a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn't exist!
Well good, good. Take it off you're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing.
Do me a favor would you? Would you change lanes? Would you get outta this lane. You gotta get out of this lane. This lane stinks. They're all double parked here Please get outta this lane. I'm beggin you please please.
Wow, ... god! You see this is all I think about. Sleeping with a giant. It's my life's ambition.
Uh, nothing, lets get going. Come on. (laughs) hu hu.
Who's Grossbard?
Oh, my God! My *MOTHER*!!!
You want my friend to ask his uncle, a man who just lost his wife of 44 years, for a death certificate so that he can save a few bucks on a flight?
Nah, he didn't have anything to do with it...
Yes.
This is nighmare. Kramer how long was I on? 
Yea, she likes you. 
horning on my rock climbing trip. It's just supposed to be me and Tony 
(on the speaker) Ya
(pause) Dad! I heard you were in the city the other day!
What is that, Boyfriend? I don't understand that. What, what does she think I asked her out for?
Hey oh.
(eating a pickle)  Well they're his tickets, he can do what he wants with them.
Yea, well, maybe some parts.
(to Donna) Why did you have to get me in trouble?
Hum..( to Elaine) Hey! did you talk to Paula? 
That'd be me.
Hey, you bastards.
I still haven't figured him out.
(grabbing lapels) J. Crew.
I know I gave it to you.
Because we brought it for them!
Yeah, (Smiling) Susan said you'd be excited.
(entering) Last night, huh? Was that something, or was that something?
Lighten up.
(sings) Co-stan-za. (like 'By Mennen')</font>
Nah, I guess I should really get moving on this, huh? I'm gonna go. (Opens the door, letting Newman in. Leaves)
But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you.
Three pints of Kramer's blood?
Well, I'm satisfied. Uh...my back is...killing me.
(looking at the door) He's starin' at us.
Rosses.
Woah, back it up, back it up. Beep, beep, beep. Tractor story?
Finished your thought.
I think it moved.
Ask' em Are there any side effects?
It's mellifluous!
You know what, bad mistake my mistake do me a favor go back to the other lane - you'll never get there - forget this lane - y'a kn ow what this lane stinks - go back to the other lane - bad decision - go go go take this light - take this light -
So, um, you've read 'The Big Game', have you?
Oh ya, like there's something wrong with saying 'God bless you'. I was raised to say 'God bless you'.
Everybody's doing something, we'll do nothing.
(Expressing shock) Woah. Whoa! Woah!
Oh man! I knew I was gonna love the opera.
I don't think it's gonna work out...
Oh, it's the chicken and the egg...
You hurt me.
(Takes two oven mitts from his back pack) Alright, (puts them on) I gotta get going.
What did Jodi say? 
B-O-Z-O?
Stop it, stop it! It's not fair. It's not fair. I don't like this situation, Jerry. I don't like it one bit.
Get out!! (Jerry gets out and George drives away. A couple of guys notice Jerry in his cowboy boots.)
Well, I might be getting into that.
...thirty-two, thirty-three-
Well, you know. You get to a certain point, you wanna know about your roots.
Let me ask you something. When you go into a store, does it bother you that they make the security guard just stand there all day?
What is this?
Of course I do.
Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything got clean and she started all over again.
Revenge. 
I'm not! I'm inside the walls!
I guess so.
I did. I'm back. I love this relationship, I feel so liberated!
You think you could hook me up with these guys?
Can't you think of something. Call in a bomb threat.
You remember my cousin Rhisa? I'm gonna date her.
Too much salt in my diet.
Magellan? You like Magellan?
Ah, shut up.
What do you tip a chamber maid.
No, no, no we'll talk about it later.
(Slowly backing away, he's not at all committed to the conversation) Yeah.. television. 
Hey Kramer, c'mon-- it was 240 bucks twenty years ago...
(PULLING OUT ESTIMATE OUT OF HIS POCKET) Well, profit. I think you'll see from the estimate that I'm not really profiting that much. They might be a little high, but..
One-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, three-one-thousand. 
You know, Lloyd, I-I've been to the doctor (hands George the card) there's really nothing they can do.
So? 
you put him on the spot 
Jerry and Elaine saw you.
Yeah, yeah, like it's just part of the conversation. 'Oh my boyfriend really likes watches. He's a real watch freak.' We-e-ell that's fabulous. (snaps fingers in the air a couple of times)
 Alright, I gotta go.  I'm heading over to Bonnie's.
The... drivel... parts. Oh my gosh, I just realized ' I have to make a phone call. I-I can't believe- Would you-
Boy oh boy.
Look, I guarantee she won't know.
So what did she say? 
I really like those sons of bitches.
All right. Shh! I gotta focus. I'm shifting into soup mode.
Let me just call him.
(frustrated) Fine. Fine. (to customer) Excuse me. (heading for the door) Think I'm gonna forget about this? I haven't forgotten about this. I don't forget that easily!
Ah. She's great, isn't she?
I left it at Heather's. Are these alive? (pounding on glass display)</font>
Well, so much for purification week.
This...is an organizer, a secretary, and a friend.
Well, sorry I missed that, uh, charity thing. But this was one of those truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about.
An ostrich burger.
It may have moved, I don't know.
Aw! Funny he's a funny guy.
Just take it off. I'm getting hot just looking at it.
I knew it. I always felt different.
She had to be impressed by that conversation, had to! It was a great performance. I am unbelievable on the phone. On the date they should just have two phones on the table at the restaurant, done.
Get out?
Tell me your impressions, I would love to hear what a young woman thinks of 'The Big Game'.
Exactly.
(sidling in) Is this a bad time? I hope I'm not disturbing anything.
(Putting his hands up) Alright, alright, hold on! (Jerry has George's full attention) Time out! Woah, woah! (Scooting in, giddy) What did she say?
He fired me.
(Embarrassed) That's all I could find. (A moment passes) Would you mind getting the door?
Is that it? 
You've never heard of Bozo the Clown?
Yes, yes! The punishment should fit the crime.
You wanted a Yankee, I got you a Yankee.
Did they take anything?
It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.
I'm aware of you. (to Jerry) All right, let's go (opens the bathroom door) Let's go!
Not now.
Thank you for leaving me alone with him!
Yuh. What about physically?
See, didn't bother Susan either. That's why I'm different. I can sense the slightest human suffering.
Who told you to sell the card?
What's going on? He still wants to have dinner with us?
You know. You use the, uh...(mutters something unintelligible under his breath.)
Maybe she moved it up in the rotation.
Yeah.
Susan's college roommate.
There's no chance of that. 
Flame on!
The only thing that bothers me is that I'm just coming up with this now.
Seven-eight-four.
Just CALL!
One little wink. She'll freak out, tell my parents. They'll be all over me. Who is this guy?
Well, uh, are there any other options?
Want a bite?
Nah, I'm good.
Who do you like?
All right, all right.
No-no-no, Kramer. Kramer! Kramer! You *cannot* abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract. We... we must go forward... not back.
Hi.
Forget about smelling the car. Smell the valet. Go to the source...
Should I leave this..?
Can we move on? 
All right. All right! I'll go.
Well how do you even know it's hers? Maybe it belonged to Carol. Did you see a name on the tube? 
what?.. that's ridiculous! 
Well, they were in a rush.
I said, 'would you like to go for a walk or something.'
 I gotta try and find a way to switch places with him.  It's like a Sigfried and Roy trick.
She said she liked me. No kiddin' she said that? 
Yeah! That's how they talk. You know, everyone's either a bastard or a son of a bitch. Yeah, it's like uh...'boy, that son of a bitch Box can really hit, uh?!' (laughs)
Good afternoon. One large crab bisque to go. Bread. Beautiful.
I told you.
Alright, alright, I'll call Heather, you'll get your hat back, I will get a second date. Ha ha ha. Now watch the magic.</font>
Never thought I'd fail at failing.
Doing quite well, thank you. Yesterday I had a soft boiled egg and a quickie. You know what? If I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate.
Here, just give me a couple of napkins.
Yeah, I may move out there. (getting 'yeah, right' glances from the Rosses) I mean it, I'll do it! OK, I'll see ya later. Keep it real!
It moved! It was imperceptible but I-I felt it.
What red dot? What are you talking about? Jerry come here for a second. Do you see anything here?
Well it's over. It's definitely over.
Drakes?
Hey! Saturday night!
Wa, I'm not getting out of this cab
I like DeSoto.
Well, it's just a game. Remember that, kids.
There you go.
The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation.
No, I don't know. How do I know the usual?
Did she say anything about, uh... 
How could you not know who Bozo the Clown is?
It's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip of Tang and you jump out first.
Hey, the Bull owes me one, I helped him with his swing.
Anyway, again, I'm sorry about throwing you out of the car.
Oh, she's a Kramer. And uh, while I was there I uh happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.
Hey, what's goin' on?
Nnnnnnngaaa!
Well, let's just leave.
Yeah, you know, what'd she uh, look like?
(angrily)'WHY WEREN'T YOU MORE CAREFUL WITH YOUR DROOL!'
What happened to you?
Let me just say this. It is inhumane to make a man stand on his feet, in one spot for eight hours a day. Why shouldn't he have a chair?
No I didn't!
What, is he crazy?
You know, the uh...(mutters it again.)
Oh, he stole it!
Very curious.
I..I..I dunno.
So call her up and tell her to bring you another one. She'll be delighted to talk to you.
S'cuse me ..Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
Tell him to open it. 
(Once again, still on the shower) Could it be lukewarm?
(annoyed) Not a peep. They just cleaned the carpets and left. Call themselves a cult!
What might that cost?
There, there I'm fine.
(in his mind) I think that ginger ale at the coffee shop is just Coke and Sprite mixed together. How can I prove it? Ah! Can't, dammit. (knock at door. George goes to open it)
Mmm, no. Boy, it really didn't come out too well, did it?
No, no! You can't throw me out
Yeah, coy.
Narks?
(entering the apartment more fully) Oh. Oh, hi, hi. Hi. Nice to meet you. (peering at the table) What're you having, veal?
Oh, wait, isn't scalping illegal?
I dunno. I was just talking to the man and he walked out on me!
Thank you very much. (Walks out)
Well take a look. It might not even belong to her. 
you better be careful on those rocks tomorrow buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either 
They, uh... said you were with some guy who was wearing a cape?...
Or something. I said, 'Or Something!'
Oh, my God, No, oh my God, . . . Jerry!
What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what she's thinkin'.
What?!
Those were her exact words, I like George. 
Yeah, yeah. That's how they talk in the major league. (laughs)
Sorry. Thank you.
Maybe they forgot to put it out!
You think she could be an 'it'? Could she be an 'it'?
(confused) What, what's going on?
(depressed) Feel like I can't do anything wrong.
Elaine's in love with the Wiz guy?
Jerry, I felt like a straight man in some horrible sketch. He was riffing! Riffing! On my pain!
No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move.
No, but I can tell she's going to. I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. I was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of things to talk about.
Did you buy this for me?
So, what did she say?
Discovered the Mississippi.
Well, I was exaggerating a bit, just for effect.
Curly.
Care? Forget about care. Love. They have to love the characters. Otherwise, why would they keep tuning in?
(Picking up the ketchup) What typical? Gimme typical. Gimme some typical.
Hey, I saw what I saw.
Yes I do. 
Nah. It's all right. Great! She had a good time. 
How can you call yourself a clown and not know who Bozo is?
Absolutely. Pending approval of the script.
It was kinda fun. (Elaine gives Jerry a cold cloth for his jaw.) You know, maybe his name really is J-O-H-N, but he changed it to J-O-N for show business. Well, you know, J-O-N is a lot zippier.
Where is she?
(to himself) You can't tell much from those pictures.
(jubilant) Five thousand dollars? She doesn't have five thousand dollars!
What, he can't jump out of the chair? How long does that take? Here look at this. (he moves to the end of the booth) Here, watch. (stands up) Criminals. Boom. I'm up. (pretends he's shooting) Stop It! Stop It! Stop It!
I was not winking you idiot. That was the grapefruit. It's like acid. I need that card back. It's Mr. Steinbrenner's. I was responsible.
I've got nothing, I-I-I-I'm blank.
Wait, wait a minute...they don't have them anymore. I just found out, they just took them off the market.
No.
You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day.
Oh No nonono I'm not a cop ...Heum... I work for the Yankees.
They could've at least tried!
(clears throat) Heather Hi, it's George Costanza.</font>
Well, Play Now is through playing. They turned the heat way up in my office. They tried to sweat me out.
Well? (Miranda hits George) I was just - I'm curious, that's all. We, uh. We'd like you to, do everything possible.
So, Jerry and Nina, huh?
I think I had some hard candy in there.
(still by the door) What? M-Maura, what are you doin' here? I ended this relationship... twice!
So, uh are you sleeping with Peterman?
Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second there, Watkins?
Yoohoo ,Plenty......Wh..wh..what are doing hum...you're going in?
It's like, all dented.
Who?
No no no, you know actually we are friends of a serial killer.
Looks like veal.
People always leave old things in their medicine cabinet. 
This you are not going to believe. Al Netchie, that pimple. Tells Daphne, not get this 'Not to get involved with me.'
So Dad,--
(snaps fingers) There you go.
George, George Costanza!
I uh got the first name.
Listen, listen, don't get worked up, 'cause you're gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane.
(frantic) Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry, listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all, at all. Do not feel like you have to take it.
Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money.
'BECAUSE IF HE CAN'T JUMP. THERE GOES MY SNEAKER BUSINESS!!'
Ha Haaaaaaa... Jerry how do you like that.You see I get myself in a dizzy, I'm all worked up and for what? 
I thought you said one o'clock.
(forcing a laugh) Hu, ha.
(claps hands triumphantly) We might have an 'it'!
Uh, Mr Wilhelm.
I'm sorry sir.
(hopeful) Everything?
That's pretty pathetic.
That's right. I'm two in the hole!
No, no, this is supposed to go to Joe Mayo's apartment.
That's the sign! The test; if a - if a man makes it move.
Prognosis Negative! (again in a funny voice)
Let's see, How I'm very good at going in reverse in my car, why isn't Postum a more popular drink,
Ha, because I love Drake's Coffee Cake.
That's it?
All right, I've got to go down to the unemployment office. Wanna take a walk?
Okay, I mean it's serious but--
What'd you ask me for?
Would they tune in?
(Breathing deeply) That's very dirty. (Jerry nods) That's absolutely filthy.
What side?
Well I can't now, Gwen's going to be there. 
You just hesitated. 
well I don't know if there's gonna be any place to eat up there 
Is he a clown? What, are you kidding me!?
Jerry, I'm Yankee management.
How would you find out something like that...wait a minute, what am I thinking? I've got the entire Yankee organization at my disposal.
How could she leave us alone with this lunatic? Ten more minutes, and that's it! I'm leaving. I have to tell you, this guy scares me.
Hello! All right, we should be going. Come on...
Was she uh, was she a big, uh woman?
Yo.
So, she can't get the apartment.
Hi,
Would you get out of here. Who's gonna turn down a chair? I would be very interested to know how he felt about all of this. Maybe I'll have a talk with him.
Well get it back! It's very important. (winks)
I'm choking!
Yeah, so you gotta use something else.
Yeah.
(picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home.
Nevertheless.. I was wondering if you and your .friends are doing business here at the Jiffy Park.... You know ..hum What do you people call it? Turning tricks? Anyway I...I....found a condom in my car....and I'm not saying it's yours but.... I want to know if I should just change parking lots.
What do you mean?
Please.
Ah, listen ah, I don't mean to bother you but ah, silly me, I- I think I may have left my hat in your apartment. So ah, I thought I'd just come by later and pick it up.</font>
That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!
Wha..wait a minute, wha..what about Reilly?
Yeah. yeah. I-I know.
You already told me everything.
Ahhh. How does this thing work?
Why does it always seem like I'm the only one working at this break-up?
You know, they say ostrich has less fat, but you eat more of it.
The thing is...I'm supposed to be T-bone.
yeah....euh...I dunno What?
Well, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it. You can't stop modern science. Can't stop it, you can't stop it. Can't stop science. Can't be stopped, no way, no how, science just marches--
You got a line in the Woody Allen movie?
Why?!
Oh, thank you.
Well, it's a good looking piece of meat. (laughs nervously) Wow, this is some place. A duplex, huh? (indicating) Look at this, you got stairs in an apartment. All my life, I dreamed about having steps in an apartment. Even one step. Sunken living room. Although, one step is really not all that sunken. (tries hard to elicit a laugh)
Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.
Ttu (wipes nose and sniffs) Ttu.
(thinking of the moans) Heh. (Karen takes another puff of her cigarette) You seem like you really enjoyed your Risotto. (chuckles) You have a very contented air over there. (chuckles again) You look very contented, very satisfied. (pauses) Are you satisfied?
I still have brill cream. 
Ya. That's what she told me.
Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I tell you this, something is happening in my life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white, good was -
What do you mean?
Yes yes yes This is unbelievable.
That's right. You ready?
'Cause it's all in the greeting. 
If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want it, don't worry about it because uh, you know, I, I...I could take it, you know.
Oh geeeee. (George pantomimes sticking a knife in his heart, and twists it.) Go, go!
ha Ha.. 
(pops his head out of the covers, looking a bit confused) Uh...you know, uh...pleasuring you.
What's goin'on?
Remember, don't take any crap.
(whispering) Elaine, it's me, George.
She's got everything, right? (counts on his fingers) She's intelligent, she's smart, she's got a great sense of humour.
Hi, I was just uh... I just had one little question about uh, my assignment.
What?
Listen to this. Marcy comes up and she tells me her ex-boyfriend was over late last night, and 'yada yada yada, I'm really tired today.' You don't think she yada yada'd sex.
You really think so?
So they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.
Did you explain to her about the good naked and the bad naked?
You think it's contact? It has to be touched?
Anyway there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said 'no, maybe we could get together for lunch.' You know what that means.
She didn't mention anything about the conversation?
What? The guy asked you to HELP HIM MOVE? Wow.
Uh, my speech?
Nope.
(Yelling out to a waitress) Gonna need some water here!
It's *not* *true*!
It's me.
Ooh, so what?
She didn't like me? 
Hey Elaine, does Tony like peanut butter? 
No, they had plans.
Yes, he's a clown!
Heh, that's right. See ya later. (Exits.)
If she doesn't show up, we can't possibly have dinner with him alone.
Come on!
Bosomy?
Hey, Jerry, how was Ithaca?
So, she doesn't move in.
Good, good day. How was your day?
(holds eyes wide open) Get it back!
O.k....(thinks) I think I know where we can get one.
Why? Why? 'Cause he's off his rocker! That's why.
(standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.
I'll pay you for your time....I just ..I just need some information . How much do you want? ten....fifteen? You have change for twenty?
So it was my comment that broke them up?
No..
This guy sounds just like me.
I- I'm pretty sure I left it eh, behind the cushion of the chair ... accidentally.</font>
(surprise) What? I..I didn't hear about that.
I don't know, 120, 130...Then they sent some guys to sandblast for 6 hours. Tomorrow they are putting in asbestos.
She's right, I heard Kramer got mugged out on the suburbs on a baby-sitting gig.
Uh... hey. I'm gonna get going.
Ahhhhh...
(pauses to consider this then gives in) All right. (starts heading towards bedroom)
What? Now, you listen to me!
( becoming more and more awkward) Yeah.....
Shut up?
You're in the movie? Is he in the scene?
She hasn't eaten in two days.
Hey!
Sure. (Turns around.)
Yeah well, we don't think.
The show will be like a heart attack!
No, that's a fair question. It is, uhm... (nervous chuckle) Jerry, yeah. (to Cynthia) Jerry's a friend of mine. (to Russell) He uh, he gave it to me. Unbelievable how many addresses of people this guy has.
Well, You're not gonna believe it...
My cousin worked for Bouchard's. They used to use the bouilla-base for a toilet. (Jerry and Russell are shocked.)
Hi...
I-I'm sure if you weren't satisfied you would probably say something wouldn't you?
Because he's afraid she's gonna get hurt.
Day was -
I think things were going ok. We were having a nice conversation.
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, don't tell me, don't tell me. It starts with a . . . Duncan Meyers. Oh, wow, this is something. I haven't seen you guys in what, twenty years?
Cosmo
The doctors thought he had cancer, but the surgery revealed he never actually had it.
All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.
No, I don't want it. I want it, if you don't want it.
He was really crying?
You see.....WHAT!! 
You don't like the move?
Hey, Kramer, where are you going?
Who?
I'll be right here.
(still quiet) Never mind, never mind. I need you to do me a favour. Uhm, remember what we were talking about at the coffee shop earlier?
Well, she's smart. You take my word for it.
Yeah.
Yes, yes. Very smooth, super smooth. No, but I really wanna attack this thing, you know. Sink my teeth into it. So I was just wondering... what do you think would be the very best way to get started?
Really?
Alright. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again!
Well... what if you showed up bad naked, huh? You still got that belt sander?
You know what I think? I bet she stole a tractor.
Lunch is fine at the beginning then you move on to dinner. you don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted. I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. I know it.
Now, you see, I don't get that. We had a relaxed stimulating, great conversation, she doesn't mention it? Why doesn't she mention it?
Where's the remote phone?
Five-hundred dollars?! What?
Hey, a shoe buffing machine!
He's got Marlon Brando's. I could go to Marlon Brando's house if I really wanted.
Would you stop that please. Would you just stop that?
Ok, what did you say?
Yeah. I'm Buck Naked.
Why don't you just ask Jeffrey?
So she doesn't like me? 
good thing I asked 
That's what I wanna know.
Alright, just forget it.
Hey, when you order from the waitress, get her to point to the menu. I want to see what finger she uses.
We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home.
(trying to laugh it off) No, I was just wondering. The information could be relevant.
Hey, Jerry, what was the name of the exterminator who fumigated your apartment when you had fleas?
And how does the baldness fit into that plan?
Oh, nothin' much. I went over to jerry's, uh, talked to Jerry.
I don't know. They're all very suspicious.
It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.
Well Kramer's not an usher anymore.
This is horrible.
Ah, a, You know what, maybe I'll just come ... umm, y&rsquo;ummm (stammering)</font>
Bring it on!
No, no....(mumbles)
Interesting.
How would you like a 'Hare Krishna' fist on your throat, you little punk?
Pauline? . . . Wait a minute. I got it. My brother once impregnated a woman named Pauline.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Course, I wouldn't, I mean uh, the guy is uh, well obviously (to Cynthia, as she passes) the guy has his problems.
The plane's been re-routed *back* to Kennedy. We've got 45 minutes.
Well, you didn't hear it from me, but needless to say, if you go in there - stick with the consumee.
No... (takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes with his sleeve)
Hey listen... umm, instead of the movie... uh, maybe we'll go back and uh you know...(nudges her head with his head)
Of course.
Yes!
(on phone, as Jerry gestures beside him) No, Lindsay, it was not IN the garbage. It was above the garbage. Hovering. Like an angel. Of course I know your aunt bit it. I kissed her goodbye. Listen, can I tell you something else? In my family, we used to eat out of the garbage all the time. (Jerry makes a face) It was no big thing. That's right. Oh, okay. Buh-bye. (hangs up phone) I'm back in, she gave me a second chance.
I mentioned how I liked horse manure.
Cosmo
Nothing!
You know, anything in the, in the lip area is good.
No I, I want it if you don't want it.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. As long as you're going to lie to the guy, why don't you tell him that you lost both of the tickets, then we can go?
(thinking to himself) Oh my god, there she is. That's the face, just like the picture.
She said looks aren't important to her? 
You're kidding.
So what? Somebody dropped an egg on my head as I went into my building last night.
Don't go. Kramer! Come back. I got great news. Well, I did it.
(still quiet) Think, a second. You know, your friend was talking about me and, you know...
...So, anyway, if you think about it, manure is not really that bad a word. I mean, it's 'newer', which is good, and a 'ma' in front of it, which is also good. Ma-newer , right?
(gleeful) Hehee. W..we could be like the Gatsbys. Didn't they always like, you know, a bunch of people around, and they were all best friends?
Hi honey..
Well, I was wondering...
I feel terrible, I can't be responsible for breaking up a marriage. Oh no (starting moving for the door, Elaine begins to stop him)
I was betrayed! That kid was like a son to me. And if there's one person you should be able to hold down, it's your own flesh and blood. Like my father.. my father's father before him.
(pleased) I know.
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o Kramer!
(going into the bathroom) Well, you on all fours, that thing vibratin', kickin' up sawdust, ho ho! She'll get the picture!
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas! (Co-worker gives a gift to George) Oh, Sandy! Here is a little something for you.. (hands her a card)
Does she walk around holding a pen she never seems to need?
What's that?
I'm not crying. And I shouldn't have said that about your wife. Please accept my apologies.
Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it
 Yeah, good night.
I can't believe I get paid for this.
I have no power Do you understand? I need hand. I have no hand.
The next thing you know, he'll have you driving him to the airport..
I'm not paying $500 for this! It's a piece of junk!
You got your own shampoo, conditioner, body lotion! Jerry, body
Is-is that what I said 'no story'? Because Jerry had to tell me later.
 Knock it off, just sit in your seat over there you're distracting me. We're making incredible time here. I once went into Kennedy Airport from West 81st Street to in uh, in 15 minutes. hu uh.  Oh, here hold this. It's uh, ten dollars for the tolls.
Of course.
Of course not...
Thank you! Thank you very much. (Jerry and Melissa stop and look at George)
There must be some way to find out.
She said that? 
Alright, very good, very good...go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric! (chuckles) What kind of name is that for a clown, huh?
Oh, okay. (Starts to walk other way and then walks to their room and goes in)
Hey-- (spots Donna)
So what have you been doing with yourself?
I don't know. Just start scratching. Tell him you have the crabs. He was in the military. He'll understand that.
(to himself) That's what I'd like to know.
Carl... Yeah, he was a nice guy.
The Lowers, really?
Hello?
Howbout sports? Do you follow sports?
Now, because of that stupid rye bread, I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life.
'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'!
You've been demoted.
(banging the recorder) Stop it! Stop it!
Ok, everybody, uh...I have an announcement to make. From now on, I will be known as-
Don't look around. Don't look around. That's what he wants.
Tonight's the night, right? Prognosis Negative?
Really...(he honks the car and is startled, Elaine laughs)......I have to say...You were really good doing that porno thing....you're talented.
When I hear her name mentioned.
Alright, alright, I'll go on the date, but that's that.
What?
Well, you know, it's really very funny, because you know what we got here, really? We really, really, just have a terrible misunderstanding. You see, when I passed on the deal, I thought that's what Jerry wanted me to say. Y'know, I, I misinterpreted.
The old man got to me.
So... uh you feel okay about that whole thing... what we do in there... you're generally okay with everything in there?
Wa.. He doesn't have to tell her.
They said tomorrow, maybe.
Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the traveling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I have had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Elaine, Jerry, this is my religion.
Yes, good for me!
Yeah.
That's right.
You know a hug: definitely good.
No, I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you didn't want it, I might take it.
Yeah. Hi. It's great to meet you.
She thinks I'm ugly. I knew it. 
Sorry. I'll just go back to my usual routine.
I got engaged. I'm getting married. I asked Susan to marry me. We're getting married this Christmas.
(still quiet) The actress.
No. So, tonight she's got tickets for that show she's been working on. The Flying Sandos Brother.
Of Course I'm telling the truth.
Payroll? No, no, I haven't done that.
Well I gotta go talk to Beth.
How'd you hook up with these guys?
You're spending the weekend with Ellen?
Well, I gotta do somethin'. (Walks over to bathroom. Kramer enters)
(doing the voice) La la la.
What is this? This is a drawing.
Phil, I loved those cigars! Incoming! (Flicks his card tward Phil)
Oh. Okay, here it is, I got it. She lost her thumbs in a tractor accident and they grafted her big toes on. They do it every day.
 Could we talk about this some other time?
How you doing?
You have my spare-key in your apartment, right?
What?
I gave. I gave everything I could Mrs. Sokol. but nothing was good enough for her.
Why did you even take it? You broke up with her!
Ooh, a shower cap!
(Laughs, snorts) I said, I said: 'Get outta here! No story? Is that what I said?'
(Takes a few seconds to mull this one over. Shooting Jerry a confused look, he repeats it) 'The panties your mother laid out for you'? (Jerry nods) What does that mean?
It's George.
We've just been through this! You don't remember? We just had this exact same conversation a minute ago!
Alright, now the play is tomorrow night. So do you want to have dinner first, or do you just want to meet at the theatre?
What, you're gonna take her word over mine? I'm your best friend!
She told you she doesn't like me! 
Well, I do what I can. (Robin comes over.)
Oh, sorry.
I didn't get the special, but I'd also like the fresh fruit too.
Oh, I wanted to talk to you--I'm sorry, I--didn't know you... (re Donna) had company. (Jerry indicates he should stay) Hiya, I'm George.
Ah ha, well, I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. So what do you do, a lot of that 'did you ever notice?' this kind of stuff.
This is the thing where you go and you have to make your own pizza?
I can't believe I said that. You know me, I'm a vault.
What company was it?
Are you kidding? I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham!
No, I want to go.
(laughs) Yeah, it's me. Is this Clayton?
You know, this is very nice, but I really could take a cab. Really.
(muttering to himself) I wonder why.
I'll tell you what I'd like to do. I'd like to replace that rye.
What, you think I'm doing material here?
Because you called her by the wrong name.
Of course. Absolute zero!
What?
This thing can't hurt me, can it? I mean, it is a laser. What if it hits my eye?
What does this mean?
I thought the thing you said about the sex not being simulated . That was really funny.
There was a woman, Audrey. She had a very big nose.
Oh, what time is it? Eight thirty? I'll tell you what's on. You got Major Dad, Blossom, very funny programme...
She's a virgin?
Aw, that's a fun age. (Jerry looks at George distastefully.)
Oh Shut up! What are you doing back so soon, anyway? (puts the tape back in it's case.)
Do you uh feel the way you feel after the Risotto?
Looks pretty good. 
Oh no no no. He's deeply in love, and I was just about to break up with her when she told me.
Yes funny (laughs; hand clap) let's go.
Yes, flowers. I will get her flowers, I will go to the florist!
Yeah.
Well...
Sure.
How can I take it?
(improvising) My uh uncle is having an operation. I just wanted to see how he was.
No, no. I just got here. A few minutes ago.
.....So what's your point? 
Yes!
(shouts) Marisa Tomei!
Great. Seven-thirty, alright?
Really!
Payroll!!
Well I gotta undo what I did.
Yes! Yes, I heard the 'squink'!
I knew it.
(To Kramer) You want to start?
(on the answering machine) Jerry, what's happening? Come on, pick up the phone.
This is a cartoon!
Aw, Mr. Kruger, Sir. Merry Christmas! (Hands him a card)
Excuse me. I believe you just ate my Twix bar. It was dangling. And when you purchased your Twix bar, you got a little freebie, and you never bothered to ask why, or seek out its rightful owner. 
20 bucks? Isn't that excessive?
How's her handshake? A little firm, isn't it? Maybe a little too firm?
Give me your key, I gotta get it.
Ha, I don't know who she's looking for. I don't know. I'll tell you something. She's very particular, your daughter. Very particular. What is she looking for some big hot shot businessman? Well I've got my pride too. I'm not going to beg her.
You weren't thinking.
Well, how did she react?
[realizing the only way out is to show the stub] I've got the stub.
Listen, I gotta ask you: I was a little concerned that perhaps I was responsible in some way for your, uh... metamorphosis.
I was squinting! Remember that drive from Wortsborough? (snapping his fingers) I was spotting those raccoons.
What were her exact-- 
I'm sorry, uh, it's not like I'm gonna see something I've never seen before.
(after waitress walks away) I don't believe it, she did it again!
You spoke to my mother?
It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor now.
You know, you have to know how to do that. You can't have people shoving their arms into a six-hundred degree oven!
Fifteen seconds.
Yeah, you know we spoke for a little bit...
Of course you do.
You heard him.
Oh, nothin' much, . . . talkin'. . . . Oh, oh, oh, did I have an unbelievable idea today!
What are they doin' lettin' you bastards on an airplane? Don't they know that's against FAA regulation?
You know, you go out, you get another rye. Of course, it would have to be the same one from Schnitzer's. You put it in the kitchen somewhere and you say Ohh! There it is.
(modest) And I'm a little tired.
Hello there. I'm George Costanza.
(Takes a sip) Hey, it's not too bad..
I stopped having sex.
You know, you could've just given me Neil's number. You..you didn't have to take me out to dinner.
Hey.
Well, I've to every Brentano's. This thing's flagged in every database in town!
I can't be blind, Jerry The blind are courageous.
I don't even like to sit next to a man on an airplane 'cause our knees might touch.
What is with this dog, I thought we were taking it to the pound.
So all right I'll speak to you through Jerry and everything.
Is that how you're gonna say it?
Hennigans. I was there sitting in the office and the cleaning woman comes in. I've always been attracted to cleaning women. Cleaning women, chambermaids.
A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go out with some Dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.
Yes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved her very deeply. Will she ever speak to me again?
What, you know Jerry?
No we're not.
Oh good, good, come in. Come in, welcome. I'm George. And this is Jerry, over there, on the phone, that's Jerry. And you are, um?
Well, we would like to be in business. Let's do business. We'll have some business. Let's have business.
Are you sure? Oh, look who I'm talking to. The president of NBC. (forced laughter)
Wow. So what're you gonna do?
There you go, okay? That's my *other* friend's ticket. You happy now? You got two tickets.
No. Just imagine her reaction.
Oh. How's the guy?
Yeah...(scratching his head) full.
Yeah. I don't think they'll be able to tell. 
Well I can't break up with her now.
You know, about how when you break it down, it's really a very positive thing. you know, you have a 'nure,' with a 'ma' in front of it. MA-NURE. I'z not bad.
Oh, I could do it.
That's so brutal, I hate that.
It's your apartment!
Bone marrow.
Well why don't you take off your hat and stay awhile.
I'm a man. Jerry, I'm a man. And do you know why? It's because of that talk we had. You were my inspiration. Do you believe it? You. That lunch was the defining moment of my life.
Elaine? It's me, George. (Elaine opens the door.) Hey, sorry to bother you so late. (To Billy) Hey! How ya doin.' (To Elaine) Uh, did you get any of those sponges?
(calling to Susan) Uh, ah, nothing. Nothing.
Sure. So, uh, Jerry, there's an empty apartment in my building. If you and Hallie want, we could try and hold it, may...
Well then...then you really have something to think about because.....you know if there's any doubt in your mind ....and.. and,, it doesn't even have to be a big doubt, you know even a tiny doubt, a DOT of a doubt.. and.....
Oh yes I am
It's baffling, isn't it?
(In a state of hysteria) I'm an eggplant! I'm an eggplant! I'm a minstrel man!
(excited) Yeah, the pilot!
(On the other line) Hey.
Jerry, this whole Ellen situation.. has gone far enough.
(Interrupts) And I still say he's naked under there!
(Boiling) What am I going to say?!
But it's not a photograph, I need a photograph!
The Human Fund.
Huh. You must think I'm pretty stupid. (The mechanic shoots him a look as if he cleary does think he's stupid) That was no 5th Avenue bar. I can see the crumb right there in the corner of your lip! Now, that-that-that is a cookie - and we all know that Twix is the only candy bar with the cookie crunch. 
It's more than the meal!
Hands a little smelly?
Unbelievable, I'm never gonna get out of here. The guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science fiction story.
Never mind what happened, just give me the key.
So, I am have to going to break up with you.
You, uh, you like baseball? [picks up baseball from desk]
Well, I'm not buying it. No way. Forget it. No way I'm buying this! (beat) I mean, look at it! What is it? It's a bunch of squiggly lines! (beat) Are you telling me you couldn't paint this?
Well, that's not offensive. (Reflects) It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.
What $98.00?
(noticing something) Hey look, a dime.
Uh-Huh (gulp) Why didn't she like me? 
Ah, great, great. (sniffs) What's that smell? Smoke? (walks to the kitchen) Hey everybody, I think I smell some smoke back here...(smoke boils into the doorway.) FIRE! FIRE! Get out of the way!
I didn't.
She had an itch. She could have used any one of those fingers. That finger was meant for me.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, well...
Yeah, I mentioned Simons. Next thing I know, I'm in the parking lot. Perhaps they had some sort of a falling out. I'll tell you one thing. I don't know what he's got. But for a sick guy, he's very strong.
You are not gonna believe what's going on with this woman.
Oh!, so what. I'd rather she hate me and thought I was good looking....At least I can get somebody else. (scratching his chest) What is this? Why am I itching? 
No, not really.
Oh, yeah. I read what you said to the papers yesterday. You weren't in on the planing. What planning? YOU THINK WE PLANED THIS? Uh?
Yeah, ha ha, It's not the toilets, it's not the toilets. It's something else. Are you ready for this?
(Very loud in the direction of a waiter) I'm gonna need a coffee here. Very hot! Boiling!
Listen. I want you guys to send along those agreements the minute you land. Our boys can't wait to kick your butts!
What's so hard about that? How am I supposed to get it in there? I can't just walk in with it. I have to get the Rosses out of the apartment!
Well, Marisa. See, the thing is... I'm sort of engaged.
Well this is bad. I am really in a bad situation now.
Assistant to the travelling secretary. (fishing for a reaction) I'm uh, working on the project.
(sniffing) Hmm. Game hen?
(at dinner with his cousin) Some more merlot?
I don't understand what the big deal is. They let you try on pants.
Uh Jerry, how long will you be in there?
 Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect.  Anyway-
Why is that?
What are you gonna do with all of them?
How do you know him?
Lupe. That's very nice, very nice. Listen, are you going to be making up the bed in the morning?
Yeah!
(worried) Alright, alright. Look, we're people, you and me, huh?  Businessmen. Colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll do it for the thirteen thousand. Thirteen thousand, and I never came up here, we never talked, alright. You take good care. (moving past Russell toward the door) It was nice seeing you again, and nice meeting you. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, right?
I don't think I could do it. You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.
Oh, my God...
Hnh. That's nerve...
Heh, Mercury head. You mind?
So, anyway, what's uh, what's the status with, uh... 
Because he said I was going to.
I don't know what the reason could be.
It was an inferno in there! An inferno! (Eric, Robin's mother, and all the kids rush at George.)
Did you say, 'The rines are crossed?'
Yeah. (Jerry nodding) ... Oh, you think because of what I said about the manure. I wa, wa, was just saying how it takes a negative thing, and puts it on a positive spin on it.
(Opens the door, looks in and then knocks 5 times) Mr. Steinbrenner, (waves) can I talk to you for a second?
 What a movie.  Good choice.
(snorts) C'mon.
That's why, you know, a shake is bad.
Okay, so you remember I made the initial call Sunday, she doesn't call back. I call again Monday, I leave another message. I call Tuesday, I get the machine again, 'I know you're there, I don't know what your story is.' Yesterday, I'm a volcano ' I try one more call, the machine comes on, and I let fly like Mussolini from the balcony, 'Where the hell do you get the nerve? You invite me up for coffee and then you don't call me back for four days? I don't like coffee, I don't have to come up. I'd like to get one more shot at the coffee just so I could spit it in your face.'
You're blown?
Well...Susan.
Well, uhm, I think I'd like to do it.
What?
Because if there's any doubt at all I...I feel we should cultivate it.
(starts to try to get passed Jerry and Elaine) Alright get out of my way. (Jerry and Elaine push him back, George very annoyed) Alright don't make me get physical here!
Who!!?
It's open!
They would never tell me, Elaine. First of all, they probably think that I killed Susan. Besides, I don't even think they like me. (Jerry comes over to the table.)
(enthusiastic) And, you know, I do a lotta business with Japanese TV. They broadcast a lot of American baseball. They got an office here in New York!
Yeah, listen, I can't make it later.
Does Neil like to eat a big breakfast?
Well it was a helluva yada yada.
Oh, shut up!
What did you go out with me for?! Just to dump chocolate on my shirt and then just dump me altogether?! I don't deserve that kind of treatment! What, you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! To apologize! You think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and ignored?! Who's shirt can be ruined without financial restitution?! Some sort of a masochist who enjoys being humiliated? You think you can avoid me like I have some sort of disease?! You have the disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich and physically .. just .. unbelievable, but you sicken me! You disgust me! You and everyone like you!
Exactly. (Sees an off-camera co-worker) Erica!
Nougat? Please. I think I've reached the point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie. So let's not just say things that we both know are obvious fabrications. 
Alright. 7,7, (points at himself) 6. I'm not gonna eat that much!
Oh, my god.
Oh now you're gonna go? ELAINE I'll be back in five minutes.
I, ... am breaking up with, ... you.
Funny, cause I happen to be very good friends with Keith Hernandez.
...and the Jews steal our money through their Zionist occupied government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white minority communities.
I'm not paying for this. If you were going out with her, it'd be a different story.
I don't know why I'm doing this.
ahhhhh (exhaling) Jerry, my young friend, you're so na&iuml;ve. You are so, so na&iuml;ve. You know about a few things. You know about comedy, a little bit about relationships, some baseball, but you are so far out of your element here, you are embarrassing yourself. Now listen to me. I'm negotiating.  Negotiation, this is what'cha do in business.
Would you like a Pepto-Bismol? I keep them in my wallet...! (Russell goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.) (To Jerry) Do you think he liked it? (From the bathroom, we hear Russell violently heaving his guts.)
How could that piece of *crap* cost $98.00!?
Oh, uh, just a friend of mine.
I tried to be nice. I wasn't nice? 
please please I don't want to die up here. please, stop moving that's all I'm asking.. Kramer!! 
Why didn't you just tell her? 
Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess I started losing it when I was about twenty-eight right around the time I made my first million. You know what they say. The first million is the hardest one.
Yes, but I am not taking it.
My money's all tied up in change right now.
Gotta go.
Okay, how about this? All right, we get married March 21st, the first day of Spring.
What is he talking about?
So?
I'm, you know, engaged.
What's he going to do? That's exactly the point. Nobody knows what this guy is capable of! He fires people like it is a bodily function.
Payroll project. Wilhelm? Big uh, big payroll project.
You wanted to see me, sir?
(surprised) Rosses.
No, I fake limp on my right. This is a real limp because I sprained my ankle.
Sure. You know, Rhisa. I've always found you... very attractive.
Oh, come on! You gotta get me over there!
I know. The only way to fix it now, is to get a whole new photo of Kruger.
Now, each of you is here because you're the best at what you do.
Uh why don't you wait then go in the movies?
If you go now, I know what's gonna happen. We'll find the car, Jerry will show up, and then we'll never find you.
So she starts vaccuming, back and forth, back and forth, her hips swivelling, her breasts, uh... (trying to think of a word)
Because I know him too, and probably a lot better than you.
Fine. Excellent. Could you do me a favor? Could you not tuck the blankets in? 'Cause I can't sleep all tucked in.
Oh, oh. Uh, you know. It's the damndest thing. I, uh, I moved recently and my files, pfff, disappeared. Now, I-I don't know if they fell off the truck or if there was some sort of foul play but let me tell you something. I'm not through with that moving company.
Awright, lemme just say this. Ten thousand dollars, alright, and now I'm going below what you wanted to pay. You have your dinner, have your veal, or whatever it is. Enjoy...
Yeah, yeah. He went into the bedroom and started sobbing.
You know, sometimes those guys don't make it back. (Looks in fridge) I'm really hungry.
She hasn't seen the article! When she sees it, she's gonna think-- *I'm out baby*!! I'm out!!!!!
Y'know what it is? It's 'Clara Nightingale Syndrome.'  He falls ill; she falls in love.
So, was it me?
What?
'To the victor goes the spoils.' What are you going to do tonight? 
Oh, great. 
All right here you go.
Yes, I am.
So you don't think she really has a boyfriend?
Well, you know, to be honest sir -- my, my new secretary Ade, came up with that one.
 Oh, Scott, Scott.  He's really great, isn't he?
You did that?
Hand sandwich.
(laughs) Not quite.
I lost it.
You like that?
You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee is ever comin' to Houston. Not as long as you bastards are running things.
Susan loves the sponge.
A cup of coffee. That, that doesn't mean anything.
Yes, you know. Deal with it .We have to deal with the doubt, Susan The DOUBT!! Must be dealt with.
(animated) It failed here! Because, here, every time you turn on a TV, all you see is four morons sitting round an apartment, whining about their dates!
Yeah, the tenant association has decided to hear my side of the story. So, uh, I gotta kinda get ready. I'll see ya.
(Concerned) Why're you doing this, Jerry? Is it your career? Things will pick up.
So--ah, Kramer. Why'd you ask me out to dinner? (amused) An' why Pomodoro?
(looking at his watch) I really should get going. Y'know, I..I wanna be home in case Neil calls.
All right, enough! Enough! From now on, no more yada yada's. Just give me the full story.
Watch me.
(Watching the mechanic leave) I know about the vein! I can't believe this guy.. 
Oh no, I can't do it. I-I'm not good at these things, I get flustered. Once I tried to bribe an usher at the roller derby, I almost got arrested.
Slippery Pete, Kramer tells me you are one hell of a rogue electrician. And shlomo, you're the best truck driver.
'These pretzels are making me thirsty!!'
Shocked?
Elaine.
Know him? Would you, uh, like to meet him?
Hey, Kramer.
Ooooo, I'm scared. . . . Ohoooo they're not going to do the show.
Ok, it's a deal!
Pasta primavera.
I bent over backwards for that woman! Is it that thing I said about her sister? 
what rock? 
How could he not have washed? 
I...was trying to lead the way. We needed a leader! Someone to lead the way to safety.
No, I was just wondering... if you guys, uh, had any gum.
(smile) Yeah.
'Argh!!..Anyway...Jimmy couldn't be here today so he asked me to fill in for him, and I'm sure that you'll be impressed at what can be accomplished after only a few short days of training.....yeah!'
No, no no it's not about postponing. I just think the first day of Spring is the perfect day to get married. You know, Spring! Rejuvenation! Rebirth! Everything is blooming all the ...
And it's their anniversary Friday night. I could send them for a hansom cab ride. Y -- you think they'd like that?
You see?.. You see?!
Because before you know it he'll be having lunch with him. You know how these interoffice politics work.
You know what, I'll just uh, I'll just look around for a little while. (moving to come round the counter) I'll just browse around.
Hi Beth (Scene Ends then re-begins with Beth and George on Beth's couch) Um anyway Jerry told me that uh.. it might have been my comment in the Coffee Shop that broke you up.
Well, uh... come in, come, come in. (frantically clears the couch of newspapers and crumbs)
My face! My face! Get me to the hospital!
Well, I was buttering myself up for a nice shave --
I know it may sound shocking. But, I just can't stop myself from... wanting you.
Without his shirt on.
I don't even like to use urinals, always been a stall man.
Oh what's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually.
That was no good?
Convulsing?
I said so many things.
Yes, I like to just be able to take the blankets and swish them and swirl them, you know what I mean? You know, I don't like being all tucked in. I like to have a lot of room, you know I like to have my toes pointed up in the air. Just like to scrunch up the blankets.
That's my vow to you.
Alright, that's it. Alright, good, eight thousand dollars. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on the shoes? I love suede, it's so thick and rich. Did you ever, you ever rub it against the grain? Alright, anyway...
Huh. (Makes a 'over his head' gesture with his arm) C'mon, let's go, go. We got a lot of work to do today.
We gotta get something. I don't want to go to that meeting on an empty stomach. Let's get some Chinese. You wanna order it?
There it is. Gate 46... We got plenty of time.
Yeah so??
What'd I say? Clara?
Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. I'll pay you back.
A wheelchair? What for?
Very nice
Oh. (he stands there) 
Oh, you know, Lloyd, I really don't have it.
Aw c'mon. 
I don't see any way around it.
Well then she's just a Liar, Isn't she?
She supports her whole family. (walking slowly into the room)
I'm an architect.
 Yes he is.  Let me ask you something.  When you come out of the shower and you put your robe on, do you cinch it real tight, are you concerned about that?
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You can't say anything. (rushes to take phone from Jerry)
I see, well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes. 
I'm keeping it. I'm going down with the ship.
She did. Today.
It took a couple of hours of convincing. I was persistent. I was just like those guys in the movies. And it worked! She said 'Yes'! I can't believe my luck that she was still available . A beautiful woman like that. You think she's good looking, right?
(Mr.Wilhelm comes in and hears George yelling) You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee is ever comin' to Houston! Not as long as you bastards are running things!
What?
Elaine.
(hesitates) ...Nooooooooooo...
(smiling) Yes sir.
(quiet) Uh-oh.
(hurried) I'll see you.
Well, you really did it to me this time, Seinfeld. . . . What the hell happened here?
Tell me about the free facial.
Hey, starving! (Grabs the box from Jerry) 
Oh...you're very good.
And isn't it more fun using the urinal?
Never expected this did you?
I'll take one. It's possible.
I can produce Keith Hernandez right here within the hour.
They're shooting! They're shooting!
Ohooo what are we going to do? I'm shaking! I'm shaking!
No? Are you crazy?
No!
Senegal?
I don't even know her sister but believe me, if she's getting traffic tickets, she's not that good-looking! Woah
uh oh.. 
You can't - huhu, All right let's go.
Yeah, just like I do. 
Because! Because, as the leader...if I die...then all hope is lost! Who would lead? The clown? Instead of castigating me, you should all be thanking me. What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in, where-where heroes are cast as villains? Brave men as cowards?
Yes, because the water was cold... and the chewing warms me up.
Sorry? Why sorry? What you got to be sorry about?
I'd like to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's.
I, I don't know.
Sure, Guatamala...
Still marry , still marry.
Well, you know. (grins, snorts) It's understandable.
So, they go off for the ride, by the time they come back the bread is there.
Jerry, come on. If my mother keeps shrinking, this is exactly what she's gonna look like in ten years!
Look, I am under direct orders from Mr Wilhelm. So if you have a problem with that, maybe you should just take it up with him.
Oh (snorts) Articulate....Me? I've never articulated anything, i'm completely incoherent.
Do you see what this is turning in to? Do I need this. I have to get out of this thing.
Oh. Oh. Yeah, sure. Here. Uh, sit down. Uh, uh, cheese, there? (he grabs a suit jacket from the desk chair and puts it on)
(oozing fake sincerity) Well, as much as I enjoy all the good-natured ribbing, nothing really makes me happier than spending money on the people I care about.
I though we said we weren't going to discuss that now!
I must have dripped some on the floor and I slipped and...
No, no. I-I just want us to be... together.
It seemed so disorganized.
So you're Jason Hanke's supervisor?
(To a passing waitress) I'll have some coffee and a doughnut.
Anywhere in the city - I'll tell you the best public toilet.
The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe, he's in Dinky Donuts. What about this doctor's note? Let's go see your friend Roy.
Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you?
Yeah.
 Goldfish.
Then I asked her if she wanted a drink.
Ah oh? What? What Ah oh?
What, you know Kramer?!
Exactly, you know what I'm talking about, right?
Oh! That's good judgment. That's a pile of judgment there. Sure.
That's right.
How you gonna catch him? He's probably boarded the plane already.
Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's implying?
So you don't speak *any* English at all?
Clara Barton? What did she do?
Listen. Let me ask you something. If you and Mona were ever to... dance, how do you decide who leads? I mean... do you take turns? Do you discuss it beforehand? How does that work?
Doesn't she have collision?
Very nice Tom, that was terrific.
Well I was just going to wander the streets. Don't wanna tag along with you or anything. 
You vomited in 1987. 
(insincerely) Ahh, hey you're home. Hi. 
What choice do I have?
Yes, In fact, her mother is in the hospital right now. It's some kind of a Diverticulitis. (he continues walking slowly towards Steinbrenner's desk)
Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim?
Wow.
 Do you hold the neck together with one hand, or are you just letting it flap in the breeze?
(puts down handset) Because he'll know I told you. Besides, he's giving me a parking spot around the corner for practically nothing.
She called my office. She said she's been in the Hamptons since Sunday. She didn't know if I was trying to get in touch with her. Her machine broke, and she's been using her old machine and she doesn't have the beeper for it.
Yes. She's got great skin - a rosy glow..
Mr.Wilhelm...
Elaine...let me just explain something to you. See, this is not just a weekend routine...I'm on the verge of make-up sex here. You know about make-up sex?
Yeah, him.
Elaine! (shouts) ELAINE!!
What the hell is this?
(wondering where this is leading) No sir.
Can't we discuss this?
Hi. Look at how obtrusive this is.
Which one?
I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen. No, ho, ho! You were gonna get a deal, huh? There's no laws in this place. Anything goes! It's Thunderdome! 
Ok. Good. And Kramer, you're in charge of taping off the loading zone.
No, no she wasn't.
Guess, what I got.
What was wrong with that? I had a different interpretation! Do you know anything about this pretzel guy?! Maybe he's been in the bar a really long time and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman and he's parking cars for a living! (out the window to honking cars) Alright! Alright! Shut up! Shut up! I hear you! I'm coming down! These pretzels are making me thirsty!
Well, live and learn.
All right Mrs. S. I and my good pal Keith Hernandez will be right back.
That's really very nice of you, Eva. Thank you.
Well, we'll just see.
(pleased) You've made Jerry very happy.
Okay.
Five hundred dollars, that?s a great deal!
What do you want?
Yeah!
(sobbing) yodel lay hee hoo.. 
Well, I think Poppie's got some problems. There's a whole other thing going on with Poppie. So how did you leave it? 
Seemingly. Seemingly, to the untrained eye, I can fully understand how you got that impression. What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?
Okay. (Chewing) Thanks anyway. (Continues to chew as he exits)
Out? Oh no, I've been to four other places, you're the only ones that have had it.
Who flips? You'll flip, I'll call.
Come on, let's go!
Sstill love. Still love.
Warning signs?
She's working late that night. We're - were supposed to have dinner with everybody at eight o'clock so I'll set up the ride for seven o'clock.
D'oh...Oh, oh, the judge! I hate this guy!
I tried! I almost threw it down the incinerator, but I couldn't do it. The guilt was too overwhelming. (Grabs the doll, opening the door to leave) Susan's so attached to this thing.
(spotting possible salvation) You know what, I urge you to take it up with him. Go ahead, give him a call, he'll tell you what I'm doing here. (half to himself) Then you can tell me.
Yeah.. They made me sick.
Oh, yes, yes, yes. Very, very hard.
(eager) So? What d'you think?
Oh, he'll be here. By the way, Elaine, (reaches under the table and brings out a large coffee machine) thank you for laying out for the Arabian mocha java.
Of course he should consider it, but now is not the time!
All right?
What about the Coast Guard? Seems like a lot of pride there, a lot of tradition.
Whatever. Listen, I'm very concerned about this guy.
Sperry Rand Building. 14th floor, Morgan Apparel. Mention my name - she'll give you the key.
What are you talking about, that's seventy-five bucks! I'm not working, I can't afford that.
Hey, go.
See now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, cause it's people like you who live to be a hundred and twenty because you're not bothered by it. How could it not bother you?
Oh, I got it.
I know but I couldn't think of anything else to say to her.
You can see the Cayman Islands in there? Is something going to happen to me? What?
129 west 81st street and hurry.
What?
Uh, Jerry, you want your blankets tucked in?
May I just use your bathroom for a moment?
My credit card?
Pull it up a little bit.
So, you were saying how, um...about the script...
I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay.
Susan B. Anthony** I think I'd have a problem with.
Why? That's a *legitimate* sociological question.
Well, my father works for the United Volunteers, maybe he can get her one.
Sure. Thank you for coming in. (Tom eats some raisins)
Jerry please, that's very nice, but, uh, (closes the door) where would we be going? 
Yeah, huh. 
What? Nothing. 
Are you crazy?! What are you doing?! You'll get us killed!
Well what do you eat?
She can't even afford to go out to lunch. She's been eating in a high school cafeterias She pretends to be a teacher. It's pathetic.
Yep. And it didn't take very long either.
Oh yeah: HA-A-A, HA-A-A.
 What's the massage situation?
Yeah.
Exactly, but they're on there ' waiting. She said she can't wait to see me, we're having dinner tonight. She's supposed to call me as soon as she gets home.
Oh, she's got the hue. So, what's going on with you and Melanie? I mean, I know you're not getting married, but uh, things are happening?
Well I-I...
Elaine, can I just explain something to you very privately here? Susan and I have been together many, many times now, and just between you and me, there's really no big surprises here, so...make-up sex is all that I have left.
There has got to be some way to get back into Pisano's.
(worried now) No sir.
Ah. You see, the man who was the butler, uh, had gotten into a car accident with Jerry, and because he didn't have any insurance, the judge decreed that the man become Jerry's butler.
(dismayed) I didn't even know you wanted to get serious!
Very good. Go on.
So what, he's got a couple of good jokes.
Stay back! (Runs out of the room, pushing Jerry out ahead of him)
Nothing.
No, I didn't.
From China. All the way from China.
Kind of.
Yeah, it's me, I just got home.
Goodbye (exits cab)
A player?
Yes we will.
Well it's not my fault. Seinfeld can't drive. How hard is it to follow somebody?
Here we are.
Did you see that? The guy's walking away. What is wrong with you? That was a three hundred dollar profit.
I'll tell you what. Why don't we just get a couple of dishes and we'll just share 'em.
Did you get the shot?
So, I've got ice cream all over my face. There were no napkins there. Whoever it was that's responsible for stocking that concession stand cost me a relationship. 
(sobbing) yodel lay hee hoo.. 
Its not easy.
Oh my God! (coming out of bathroom) You know what I just realized?! If they get divorced an' live in two separate places? That's twice as many visits!
Maybe we could call them and ask them to return it.
Did you pass your stone yet?
What does she look like?
I'm good.
To hell with Elaine!
No no no, no mistake, no mistake. No, no , listen, we're going to get married over Christmas, I ...It doesn't make any difference to me. It's fine. Really.
(disbelief) What? (laugh) Wh... what're you talking about? I'm not the one with the problem. (defensive) Lloyd Braun was in the nuthouse, not me.
You think Kramer'll do it?
Hi, Elaine.
That's him over there. The one that looks like a blowfish. 
He..he wants to talk to me?
Yeah...
Yes, I agree. I hope my parents go long before I do.
And you really believe this guy doesn't want to have kids.
Well... we could dance around it a little first.
I think.
Hey.
Yeah, well when you don't actually do the steps, you can go through them pretty quick. You can get through six a day.
(Scoffs) ARe you kidding? Lincoln Center. Alice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent facilities.
Oh, what are you, like, a Quaker now?
What, are you doing me a favor?
Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. Meanwhile I'm here with you in a parking garage, what am I supposed to do?
Yeah, phew.
 That's why we're here in America.
So we started drinking, and I'll tell you I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next think I knew she was mopping the floor with me.
Elaine, she's a psychic. She knows how the kid's going to be.
What's it say?
You want your blankets tucked in?
I'm not gonna give you my card unless you tell me what it's for!
Yeah, okey, wait wait. That will separate.
More jokes?
Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.
So, you gonna buy his art?
It's not me! It's the car!
What about these two? Aren't they gonna chip in?
Yeah. Really.
So uh... been to a bris before?
Ha! Ha! Hey! (moving his arms like: it's so great to be all here) 
Don't go shouting we got a hundred dollar bill. People will be jumping out of windows on top of us.
Olive? 
So she doesn't want to see me anymore.
You know what I was just thinking -- she could really use a raise.
Well, well, I had a dream, Jerry.
Hate the big coarse 'ha.' Hate those.
 Is there any work being done?  Is there any rubbing, touching, finger manipulation on the other person, and if so, who's making the request?
Yeah, well you have to maintain the same disposition too. You can't start acting any differently. You have to be nice.
You what?
Oh, this is fabulous. My God Elaine, you have to taste this.
You already got it.
Yeah. You've heard of it?
What're.. What're you talking about?
Now?! I'm a mutant!
(pause) Are you?
What's that?
That's true, that always happens to me.
Jerry, can I talk to you for a second? (They enter Jerry's apartment)
You know, I could let it go for.. say.. a hundred and twenty-five.
A mental institution.
No Don't get the camera , we don't need the camera. Listen I know your skeptical , but I really believe in the Chinese.
Well, I didn't mean to hurt you kid.
Should I not go on this trip?
God.
And you're watching the fight at Jerry's?
I know you did.
It's fine, we'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.
Let's do it.
This is not a Metallica concert, it?s an opera alright, a little dignity, a little class, just give me my ticket, I will stand over here and sell it.
I'm gonna get a Chow Fung.
You don't speak *any* English?
You got bit by a strange dog and you didn't get a rabies shot?
I'm fine. 
Imagine if I had to see them both on the same day? (mirthless) Haha! It's like runnin' a double marathon!
Well, maybe they're done with it. I could go pick it up.
What actress does she remind you of?
Trapezoid?
You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstances in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.
We're dying here!
I'll meet her outside the building.
Yeah, yeah, sure, Christmas. Snow. Santa. All that stuff.
All my friends do that.
Yeah. Just take 'em out and ride 'em around for about..half an hour.
Yeah. Hey, thanks for doing this. 
So he explained it all to you?
Sweet guy (Receives the phone from Beth, Starts to talk to Jerry) Hello
What does that mean?
Oh, that's wonderful.
Hey look, he's back.
So concerned was he, that word of his poor tennis skills might leak out, he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of mediaeval sexual payola?
What about jewelry? That's very nice gift.
Whoa! Whoa! Geez!
Maybe I could be a land guy.
For how long?
I don't know. A little thing called Step Nine? Instead of an apology, he was beboppin' and scattin' all over me.
(to the waitress bringing his doughnut) And a slice of devil's food cake.
How's it going?
What?
Well the sex was okay, but I threw up from the Hennigans.
WOW!
When Lupe makes up the beds in the morning.
What, are you, nuts? You're gonna spend more on the ticket than you're gonna get back from Grossbard.
Take it right off the chest...
A different name for the butler? (Russell throws up again.)
You don't believe me? Ask Jerry.
Well, I'm the boyfriend. Otherwise, what's the point of being the boyfriend? This is where you have to be when you're the boyfriend.
Yeah, that's what I want-- triangles. Alright, I'm outta here. Have fun with what's-her-name.
Take care. Take it easy. (Tom leaves with the casting director)
I've been to a few of em. If you uh start to get woozy later, which is quite common, stay close to me. I'll get you through it. (chuckles)
So, how was the trip? 
I am not buying something just to get change.
Oh.
No, her too. And her mother.
Well, I like to stay in touch with the people.
I see.
 Say you go to the bathroom at two o'clock in the morning, what's the outfit?  I mean, you dressing up or is it come as you are?
Because you were being so nice.
Hi, how are you?
No catchin'.
. . . she scooped her niblets?
I'm, uh, George Costanza. I was having dinner with your son.
I'll see you guys later.
Oh, I, uh, I disagree. You've, uh, you've been living in America too long. (indicates the bag of oranges) You've forgotten what it's like to have no oranges.
I, I can't believe this is happening!
Shoplifting.
I don't know, I like stuff you don't have to think about too much.
(hearing Jerry broke up with Patty) Are you still down in the dumps? Come on. It's just a chick.
Hey. Where is everyone?
(Wanting Elaine to take it off his hands, he tries to silence Jerry) Jerry, simmer down.
The busboy's coming?
All right -- (Gets up to leave)
It's George
Why do you have to be so suspicious of every one. This is a great man Zeng Zau, he wants to help bald people.
Now, stop it ...
Well she apologized, and then she wanted to know if we could get together Wednesday afternoon.
Oh great.
So good for you.
Okay.
Thank you very much. You just stand over there, I?ll stand over here.
It's a broad noodle.
I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body. [No reaction] You don't understand! It's a miracle! You don't understand because you don't speak English!
Can't we just fix the old one?
(Snaps, then points to the coffee table) Hand me an Emory board.
Nothing. 
(realizing he was short changed) I was in the pool! I was in the pool!
Loni Anderson?!
They always make me take stock of my life. And how I've pretty much wasted all of it, and how I plan to continue wasting it.
Unless she goes for the bathroom. That's my only chance. (George crumbles. He drops the cassette on the table.) Who am I kidding? I can't do this, I can't do this. I don't even know how to work those stupid machines.
How did you know that?
This is by far the most exciting thing I've ever done. 
What'd he tell you?
Oh Jerry, that is so sweet of you but actually i already ate.
What does that do?
Yes, inte-- h-how inte-- how integral?
Elaine, I once told a woman that I coined the phrase, 'Pardon my French.'
(hopeful) So, details?
Maybe I'll get her some jewelry.
Someone's have to unhook the boat before it leaves...the place!
Great. Jerry, I gotta tell you, I had the BEST TIME with that Nina last night. I - I think I'm in love with her already. You are a great friend. (Hugs Jerry) A great, great friend.
Well, aren't you the boss of him? You shouldn't let him move up! When I was in the Cub Scouts, I got stuck on Weebolos for three years 'cause I kept losing the Pinewood Derby.
Things are good.
We did?
Elaine, what are you doing?
(Nervous) Nothing.
This is a *great* idea! Here... use this one. I get frequent flyer miles with every purchase... Wait! Get two tickets. As long as your turning it in for a refund what's the difference? I'll get *double* the bonus miles.
You're gonna rip it. You're gonna rip it.
We haven't heard his notes yet, we don't know how he feels about our work. (Russell throws up yet again.)
What do you mean you will? That's a bad idea. Jerry is a very private person.
Y'know, now you gotta ask her her name. It's so embarrassing.
Oh.
yeah 
All right, what are we doing?
I got to get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes. 
Yeah. I may have stepped on her arm, too, I don't know.
Did she do it on purpose?
You know what this has to do with?
Uh, excuse me, are you Joe Temple?
You know my driver's waiting, I really should get running. Good to see you guys again.
Well, if I hear you correctly--and I think that I do--my advice to you is to finish your meal, pay your check, leave here, and never mention this to anyone again.
 I'll tell you what's wrong, a grown woman with a male roommate!  It's unnatural, it's an abomination!
(shouts) You be nice!
Laura, sure.
Flip it.
(contemptuously, imitating Alton's voice) He's in the bathroom.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What about the pact?
Yeah. What time is it?
Take a wild guess.
You see that woman on the horse? (points)
I think I got it.  How 'bout this? How 'bout this? We trade Jim Leyritz and Bernie Williams, for Barry Bonds, huh?  Whadda ya think? That way I have Griffey and Bonds, in the same outfield! Now you got a team! Ha ha ha.
Won't be a problem...(mumbles)
Ah, see, Mister.. I didn't write that report. That, that's not mine.
Krama. Please.
Fitted Hat Day! That's what you asked Steinbrenner for?
Maybe I am.
Well, I got just the thing to cheer you up. A computer! Huh? We can check porn, and stock quotes.
(Unconvincingly coy) About what?
I am?
All right, all right, calm down, calm down. Whatever happened in the past is past.
It's not really a mental institution. It's more like a depression clinic. She went out to Woodhaven and checked herself in. I'm, I'm sick over this.
When you're playing the piano do you think about me?
Alright look, I'm gonna tell you, but I made a pact with Cynthia, we swore we were not going to tell you and Elaine.
Maybe she just wants to talk to me?
What are you repeating everything I'm saying?
What'dya got?
Alright.
It's a big flat noodle.
Alright, alright! We'll buy her a wheelchair! Wheelchairs, engagement presents.. IT NEVER ENDS!
What happened to the raisins?
They're breaking up? How do you know? 
Here. Let me take your tabe downstairs for you. 
No. 
Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th street. Besides, you think I wanna miss this? (chuckles)
Heads!
You do it for me.
I got to tell you I felt terrible. I really thought she was going to collapse and kill herself.
She stole twenty dollars from me. (getting angry) Yeah, I might've gotten it back, but Lloyd Braun interfered!
First time in my life I've ever gotten back at someone. 
(cuts into Jerry talking) Chocolate chip mint? Oh well, actually Jerry I prefer chocolate chip. What is it about the chocolate and the mint that makes it go so well together?
They are?... Elaine?
(feigning excitement) Great, great. O-Oh, oh, oh, gosh. You know, it's just... my duties with the Yankees...
I once told a woman that I really enjoy spending time with my family.
My heart! My heart! (To Assistant) Where you going? Are you crazy?!
(positive) Yes. From endorsing checks for the Super Terrific Happy Hour. (laughs)
Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. (Hits a home run) It's not complicated.
Mom? Dad?
Because of society, right?
Well, Steven, I, uh.. (All the sudden, a small gang steps out of nowhere, surrounding George)
What am I supposed to get, a bazooka?
Well, I think you should drop him down to Step Two.
Simmer!
Now, this is the basic layout for Mario's Pizza.
He's coming up?! (Moves to the door) I'll check you out later.
He didn't say he can't.
I know.
All right, all right ( Goes to the bathroom)
Hawaii?
Alright, so that's one tuck and one no-tuck.
No, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm very good.
See?
Okay. Uh, my mother is is going to pay for the sessions. ... Oh,Elaine?
Yeah? How?
Pardon me, I went to see your friend Dwayne... there was no discount.
(taking it out of his jacket pocket) yeah I got some sandwiches.. I got tuna.. and salmon salad Tony because I know you don't like peanut butter 
Pack of gum. Here you go. (hands the clerk a $100 bill)
Yeah. 
Yeah. But it was somebody's arm.
I was supposed to see her. She wasn't supposed to see me.
The man in the cape--I bet you he is mixed up in this! I don't trust men in capes.
Uh, yes, uh...you don't know me, my name is George Costanza...did you happen to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's?
Yeah, yeah, yeah we could. You know, ah, Kramer, the next time you talk to her, find out if she knows Kelly, from Monk's. I wanna know if she really has a boyfriend.
Ha, uh,
The Switch?
 Hey!
You know, I can't believe you're even considering not playing. We need you. You're hitting everything.
What happened to the pact? We were both gonna change. We shook hands on a pact. Did you not shake my hand on it uh?
Who?
What a mind.
Oh, would ya stop worrying?  
Yeah. And since you go buy there everyday. I was hoping that we could help each other out.
I didn't do it! It..It just got done. I don't know how it got done, but it did.
Guess who he put in charge of Fitted Hat Day? Me.
Puke! That's a funny word. Puke. (laughing) Puke! Don't have to think about that.
What?
Leslie.
More wine and turkey? (Pours Celia more wine)
This is a huge project involving lots of numbers and papers and folders.
Her roommate. I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.
This is what I'm talking about.
It's in the vault?
(Frantically) Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay industries?
Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money.
Ask her about Kramer.
Well George . . . .
(shouting) Get your Paliachi!
What kind of noodle do you want?
Oh, no, no, no...you sit right here...I will get you a nice snack.
Did he just steal the raisins?
(To Estelle) Scissor. (She gets the scissors from the coffee table and hands them to George with the point facing him) Don't hand them to me with the point facing out!
What are they saying now? 
Please give it to me. I love to help people. This is what I do. Come on. I'm going this way. (he takes the table from Jodi's hands and she has no choice but to follow him) 
What TV Guide? 
No! 
I don't know what'cha had to tell her that for. You put me in a very difficult position, Marine Biologist! I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing.
Alrighty. Ah ... my last job was in publishing ... I uh got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Yeah, me too...
No, it hit the table, it hit the table.
Come on, it'll be so much easier.
You see those tears streaming down you don't know what to do. It was like she was on fire and I was trying to put her out.
(rising to his feet) Hey! Hey, you! (setting off after her) Come back here!! Don't gallop away!!
Hold on. Hold on. Wait a minute. How am I gonna get the rye bread into the apartment?
That's exactly what I told Jerry! 
Oh of course you can use it, sure. (Jerry saying stuff through the phone) Ok, bye. (hangs the phone up)
Pre-nup of course ..Kramer....
I can't believe this is happening.
George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.
Wh..what're you doing here?
Reilly is no longer with the club. (getting up) You believe that?
Oh.. nice.
What does she need? Maybe there's something that she needs.
Yeah, let him chew on that for a while.
(we hear him think) My friends are idiots, she doesn't look like Jerry. She doesn't look like anybody. And so what if does look like Jerry,what does that mean?. That I could have everything I have with Jerry but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her....And that somehow that would be exactly what I always wanted.....She doesn't even look like Jerry..
What do you mean?
I'm the one he wants! He's coming to settle the score.
He doesn't feel funny.
Jerry gargles? Is that why he takes so long?
(removing his glasses) You know, Hawaii could be a little tricky right now, there's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time of year, there's a lot of debris constantly flying around. Wood, and uh, lava, pretty dangerous.
It's my space!
Yeah. One second sweetheart. Jerry, I really think it'd be easier if you didn't tuck.
No, not nervous. I'm good, very good. (A beat, then he snaps) I can't do this! Can't do this!
I told you, I told you! Ha ha ha! Ooh ooh!
Don't be silly.
(stares at card)
No, and you weren't funny last night either. In fact, you got us both so depressed, she asked me to drive her home after dinner.
That's right, no discount!
Why not?
The last time I saw her, she was naked. 
To some degree.
Well ordinarily I wouldn't mind. But...
All right Superman's the exception.
Oh, the big race.
Can't be done.
 I'm good.
Well, it's not that. I just, you know, I thought that we were both uh...
Hi. I-I really should be getting back to my fianc&eacute;, you know, we, uh, we had this big fight yesterday and, uh, well she, she wants to-to know my secret code. I-I don't know, I can't tell her. The funny thing is, you know, I would really love to tell someone 'cause it's killing me. You uh, you wanna know what it is? It's Bosco. You know, the chocolate syrup? I love that stuff, I pour it in milk, it's my favorite drink. Hoo-hoo, boy, that is a relief!
Jerry took the flyers off the car, I got the whole thing covered.
Big news?
Are you going to help me or not?
You can't leave! This is an ambulance! This is an emergency!
Yeah, look at me. Now I GOTTA FIGURE OUT THE HAT SIZES OF 59,000 DIFFERENT PEOPLE!! WHAT IF A PINHEAD SHOWS UP. I GOTTA BE ON TOP OF THAT.
I-I'm already here. I'm here. I'm here. Uh, you know what? If you want a computer, call me. I-I gotta go.
George.. (She doesn't seem to recognize him) George Costanza.
Great! (snaps fingers and grabs the extra plane ticket) Nina could go, huh? Jerry, this is great. You and Elaine. Me and Nina.
All right. That's more like it. Thank you very much. (giving the sponsor the 'be strong' hand clench) By the way, my uncle was an alcoholic, so...
All right, Puddy, listen, and listen good: I need to know the name of that mechanic that walks around here. Big guy, a liar. Short name. Sam? Moe? Sol?! 
Okay.
(The damage has been done. He is slightly angered at Jerry) May I ask, what do you read in the bathroom?
All the time.
A plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus? Is it Lupus?
We had sex.
Now, listen closely. I was at the unemployment office and I told them that I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when now when the phone rings you've got to answer 'Vandelay Industries'.
I can't have an affair with a married woman, that's despicable!
All right, look. I'm getting the Chow Fung. You don't have to have any.
Hi.
Well, losing a loved is, uh...I mean, forget about it. (Starts wolfing down the sandwiches.)
How much?
You're sorry?!
(Holding his drink up to his mouth) Oh my gosh, I just had a great idea. She could come to the party tomorrow and read Gwen's lips for me. 
Well it's not up my alley! It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doin, I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos Islands livin' with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.
Ah, Alright, before that, I was in real estate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.
Well, I think we need more special days at the stadium, you know? Like, uh...Joe Pepitone Day. Or, uh...Jon Voight Day.
Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual, I don't know.
You came to see me. I work in the building.
Interference! You can't count that! Come on, are you crazy?! The coin cannot touch anything, it affects it.
I'll tell her I bumped into you, I'm giving you a ride uptown.
I didn't have any sex.
Whoa...it's like a furnace in here!
I'm telling you, that cashier is riding horses on my money.
Have you ever seen a Schnitzer's rye? It - it's huge!
Yes! (both laugh) God, I've never felt so alive! 
Hi.
Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?
What?
Yeah, I'm gonna let it go.
What about architect, Steven?
A bench? What kind of a bench?
I know....
No. I--I paid for it.
Koko.
Do you feel funny? He didn't say anything.
She put them in her pocket book. She probably took them out there with her.
How come we never hear him?
Oh yeah. My friend lived there.
Two no-tucks.
I can't do this! I can't do it. I have tried. I'm here. It's impossible.
Yes! How're we gonna do that?
I don't know of this is the house. I don't see Jerry's car anywhere.
What do you need her for? There's a million lawyers.
Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?!
Yes, I mentioned your name.
In a manner of speaking.
Well I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold...
Yes, yes,.
Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it!
(to Jerry) Who's going to play left field?
Couldn't be better.
Well, maybe not married, but...
Oh, shhh.
I can't believe what I'm hearing.
(ecstatic) What? You're moving to Florida!?! That's wonderful! I'm so happy! (pause) For you! I'm so happy for you! Oh, what do you need this cold weather for?
What?
Hey, I brought you some cigarettes. You buy yourself something nice.
??? KNOCK OFFS. I NOT GOING TO DO IT! AND YOU'RE GOING TO CALL STEINBRENNER BACK AND CANCEL THE WHOLE THING.
(Laughs) You, I guess, you don't remember me.. but we actually, kind of um.. went out.. a couple of years ago.. once.. remember?
Tryptophan.* (*footnote - see end of script)
I'm starving! I can feel my stomach sucking up against my spine. 
And?
Well, aren't you something?
Oh, the hell with it. Let him kill me. I..
Yeah?
I can't hear you.
If you don't say anything I will assume it's a plane crash.
I don't know. I closed my eyes and made a move.
Right.
Would you stop it. (Susan playfully bites his ear lobe again)  Would you quit it please.  Someone is going to see us here.
Fine.
Was it a scratch or a pick?
I thought I saw something fly over here...
Oh - comfort, schmomfort. Listen, Father, can I ask you a question? In a terrible time like this...who would I get the death certificate from?
How could it still smell after all that?
Do you have something a little more... less expensive?
(Stern, angered) I hope so. (Takes the scissors)
(Puts nuts into his mouth, and in the process covers his mouth) We bring her to the party, and she can tell me what Gwen is saying about me. 
I didn't know she took it! 
I don't know. I can't believe they're making me take this test. 
Newspaper.
Look, why couldn't you make me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Well I-I'm supposed to see her tomorrow, I-I-I'm gonna tell her what's goin on. I mean maybe she just likes me for me.
(George takes out the suit from the other rack) Well, look at this. (innocently) This doesn't belong here! Someone has made a terrible mistake. 
Of course.
I suppose if I had suggested Liam Neeson Day, you'd all be patting me on the back.
I'm an architect.
You don't have to call that! That's a rule!
You do.
I didn't have make-up sex.
Oh, this is all locking in now. It is all locking in! (laughing)
Yeah. Got to invite The Drake. Listen hem...there's something that's been on my mind and we haven't really talked about it..I t's kind of important to me.
Elaine said your pretty good at this stuff. 
I got a big problem here, Jerry. The tapes are worthless.
In six games.
(animated) Are you insane? Jerk store, woulda smoked that guy! Smoked him, I say.
What, like at a bus stop?
I forgot to ask you; how did the revenge date go?
Yeah?
You didn't make it clear.
Yeah. So, how's Cindy the maid?
He knows that!
I don't know.
Wait, wait, did you ever see him throw up?!
You know, I have to tell you something. You couldn't get me on a plane right now. I get those FAA reports directly. My uncle sends them to me, he used to be a pilot, so. Big investigation in the, uh, what's the word there, uh, offing. It's in the offing. But, you know, you shouldn't let that stop you from going. You could go. I don't mind.
You just said you weren't tucking.
What idea? I just said something. I didn't know you were going to listen to me.
Alright, alright, but no funny business, same deal as last night.
George.
You're with a *woman*!
Pbbbs, Bubkis!
No one hails a cab like me. My hailing technique is unmatched. I get the wrist going from side to side and boom! Cabs are crashing into themselves to just pick me up. (a cab stops) All right, here we go. Let me get door. Feminists aside, I know women like the door holding. Here we are all righty. O.K. Jodi let's get together again real soon and say hello to your sister for me. 
Yeah. She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals.
Yes. Significant shrinkage.
Yes, sure, surely was. Yeah, I'll remember that day. Well I'll never forget it because that was the day that I uh, lost my virginity to Miss. Stafford, the uh, voluptuous home room teacher.
Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200--somewhere--there were two women living together.
Bender? He can't play left. He stinks. I just don't see what purpose is it gonna serve your going? I mean, you think dead peole care who's at their funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, 'I can't believe Jerry didn't show up.'
Yeah.
Pawn shop?
Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.
What do you mean?
All right.
(feigning happiness) The second I see him.
Hello? Amanda. Hi, yes. Listen. You know, I'm thinkin', we might just be better of bein' friends. Yeah. Yeah, you know what, I can't even really talk about it right now. Bye-bye. (hangs up) (happy with himself, but then sees the burned up photo) No! No!
Parole! (Feigning joy) That's dynamite!
FINE? WHAT SIZE?
Hey, I've done that today.
You took me to one of your shows..
(Asking Elaine) Jerry seem a little weird when I mentioned Nina?
We're not stealing it.
(Nervous, his voice cracks) Hey, Antonio. How's it going?
Well, it's definetly him.
Oh, it's locked?
See, It's not so hard.
Not a plane crash. (leaving) Is it a plane crash?
Yeah.
You're in latex
(on intercom) It's George.
Look, I gotta tell ya...I been thinkin' about it, I just don't feel right about letting you into Elaine's apartment.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, I am not a prude sweetheart. I swing with the best of them. (snapping his fingers 5 times)
(Scoffs) No, I told you, I'm not gonna do that.
Hey. It's me.
Well, what are you gonna do?
(Puts his hands on his face, rubbing his eyes) Look. It's a skill, just like juggling. She probably enjoys showing it off. 
Hid? I have no idea how this suit got misplaced. Nevertheless, I do believe I shall purchase it. 
I am different, yeah.
You be nice! He's giving me a parking space (echoes) parking space... parking space...
I'm not?
Oh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you win. Take it, just take it!
Get outta here..
Yeah, conjugal visit sex. That is happening!
(To guard) Tired?
Shut up! Shut up!
Yeah.
Well I I ..put a lot of thought into this and I think I would like you to sign a prenuptual agreement.
You don't have your own camera. 
Nine minutes.
(frustrated) Ohh, I wanted to see that. (waves his arms in frustration) Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Like a park bench?
$2300.
I don't want to hear it, Kramer!
Did you dressed nice, did you do it classy?
Not yet. Oh! Ho ho! God...
Tell me about it. I went out with this girl last week. First I had to pay for dinner, then--
Oh, can you be any more dramatic?
Where?
Oh.
Alrighty, so. That's one tuck and one no-tuck. Got that?
They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear suits and ties. They're married, they have secretaries.
Jerry, please?
He just read it. (Russell vomits again. Jerry and George look ashamed.)
I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do! I trusted you!
All right, let me just... I'm gonna grap an apple.
Whatever. Believe me, if I wasn't involved right now, I wouldn't mind being set up. Something tells me she's a knockout. (we see, from the camera inside the cab, George's hand waving as the cab drives away) 
(to Jerry) He collects them. 
Clark Bar.
Perhaps.
Yes! I mean, if she thinks that's me she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.
Well, did you see it?
Yes, yes, you know I was in detention and she came up behind me while I was erasing the blackboard . . .
All right, dammit, I'm in.
If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's gonna wanna hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
I think I may be in love with this woman.
Supposed to close with the swirl?
. . . . . . Yeah.
Well what's in this giant box out in the hall?
What? He's outside?
Why not?
So you're moving there for spite!
That's a little steep don't you think?
Hey. How's your day, good?
Hi.</font>
SEVEN AND FIVE EIGHTHS!!
Nah, the cable's out. What's with you? You look dead.
And, um, it was quite good. In fact, you even incorporated me into the show. I'm not actually a performer. Although, my parents felt I had talent..
Oh.
Why do you keep saying Nina?
All right, let's--let's focus. Can we get back to the plan?
(Trying to be modest) Ah, come on..
I have nothing to say to anybody. I'm so uninteresting. I think I'm out of conversation.
Him who? Hayman him.
(NOT INTERESTED) Really.
Monica, I'm really focused here, this stuff's a killer. (turns to the next page)
No, she left. Listen, you can't mention any of this to Elaine. Cynthia will kill me, we made a deal.
Ya manufacture it.
Well, you know, I shouldn't have let you into Kramer's, now you want to go into Elaine's...she entrusted me with her spare keys, how can I just let you in?
Thanks. Gee, you know, I thought you were mad at me.
What?
Now let's try 'breast'... Celeste... Kest...
You're *selling* the car!?
(Puts his arms in the air, stretching, and covers his mouth with an arm) Could you ask her, just ask her. If she says no, case closed. 
Oh, I'll pay. Half-price. Arrivederci my fellow 40-short. 
(somewhat annoyed) I suppose you could be an architect.
How come uh, no chair?
Cleaning them out.
A-ha, huh. (mumbles) tours.
Yeah.
I feel fat. 
Hello? I can take an hour off your hands. Give the kids a chance to see a real live Yankee.
Who puts a bench in their house?
Yeah.
What signal? What-what signal?
Yeah you did, you classed it up!
(Standing up) Yes. This is wrong! 
It's in... transit.
How much you pay this maid?
How would I know?
We could.
I'll die out here.
I need some water. I gotta get some water.
Till I'm comfortable.
Alright! Please, please! I cannot have this constant bickering!.. Stress is very damaging to the epidermis! Now, I have an important photo session in the morning - my hands have got to be in tip-top shape, so please - keep the television down, and the conversation to a minimum.
We're up to two dollars here.
Yeah. Eric the Clown put it out with his big shoe.
What if she discusses it with Jane?
Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
The uniforms! Did you see how they played? Listen to these comments! (reads from the paper) 'Wade Boggs: 'What a fabric! Finally we can breathe.' Luis Palonia: 'Cotton is king.' Paul O'Neill: 'I never dreamed anything could be so soft and fluffy.' '
But I digress. Let me see, now. You were standing at one end of the line and I was right next to you. And I remember we were even for like, the first five yards and then , BOOM,...You were gone.
All right. Let's get to work.
You know how easy it is for dead people to travel? It's not like getting on a bus. One second. (snaps his fingers) It's all mental.
Oh, you are such a wuss.
Yeah, yeah, should've written it down.
Yeah. It doesn't make any difference.
Did you here that? I can't believe this he's eating his sandwich.
It's huge!
Aw, come on. I wanna go see him.
So, what're you saying?
That's right, who the hell are they? How dare they?!
All right, all right.
So uh... Wrath of Khan, huh?
(from bathroom) How was Eric Roberts as the husband?
I DON'T KNOW. It's this place. I'm very uncomfortable here.
(Laughs) Relationship intern...hey, what if two of us teamed up?
Four hours.
Uhh.. I'll- I'll meet you down there.
(sitting down) Where's Hanke?
(entering Monk's) Hey.
Fine. Steal the battery. Now, all right, here is the Frogger. This is the front door, and this is the outlet.
I'm very nervous about this. I've never spoken to a mental patient before.
All I know about is sports. That's it. No matter how depressed I get, I could always read the sports section.
Oh, I found him. He was sitting on the steps of the library. I sat down next to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus
Who's Killer Kowalski?
Wish I could. (raises the magazine up in front of his face and continues reading.)
Didja see the way she was looking at me?
Just because you have someone's spare keys, it doesn't entitle you to break into their apartment. That's the reason you took away Kramer's keys.
I can't go in there. I can't face the bubble boy.
So, you live with your mother, huh?
Rest... Sest... Hest...
Maybe I'll buy it.
All right. That's enough for today. You're tired. Get some sleep. I'll see you first thing in the morning.
All right, she's not even gonna ask, if we see her, which is remote.
Okay. (They walk around each other.) OK. I'll choose you. Whaddaya want?
Where do you come up with this stuff?
I, I couldn't help but notice that uh you don't have a chair.
You know this whole thing never would have happened if you hadn't bailed out on me at the restaurant.
Really? How'd she do that?
Kramer, there's a guy out here that...
You go over there - 
What's so funny?
Well do you want me to take it off? 
I got it. You wanna get her something nice? How 'bout a music box?
Yeah, well I uh got lots of other stuff to show you too. Wait till you see the plum job that I landed.
If I do it, will you buy a computer?
Oh, so it backfired?
Just because a candy bar fails to fall from its perch...
40? I'm payin' 60 to my maid. She doesn't do laundry and I'm gettin' nothin'. All right. Once she pinched my ass, but I don't know what that was.
What do you mean, like him?
(over the speaker) It's George.
You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
Hey, Nina! (beat) I owe you some money, don't I?
Really? That's pretty good.
When you sent me the-the bill for the dry-cleaning. I thought the show didn't have a chance.
Was there any nostril penetration?
After consummation.
Alright, tell her. Go ahead.
(Definite) I'll take it in my room. (Walks off)
Yes it is.
I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum.
What's that?
How do you know?
Hey, where ya goin'?
Head start, oh no absolutely not.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is amazing. (George gets up to leave and shake's man's hand) Thank you. Thank you very much. . . . I'm going back in! . . . You'll feel better (to woman)
Again with the Rava.
Yeah. Hey! Hey!
(disbelief) What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name, I made it up!
Oh, every chance I get.
But I have to have them by one o'clock. He's very regiment about his meals.
What was that line again? Something about finding your way in a shadow?
Well not really...</font>
Excuse me, darling, do I detect a Portuguese accent?
(disappointed) Oww.
No, no...
(playing with toys) Ahhhh, Yes! Touch down! Your turn, Jerry. (hands Jerry the Mattel Football. George starts playing with the Etch-a-sketch.)
So, she was switching? Back and forth?
(sitting down next to Jerry) Seeing Maura. Apparently, I was unable to break up beyond a reasonable doubt.
The outlet?
I should be in a place like this. I envy this woman. Ya' get to wear slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very underrated. I like it it's good. Plus they give you those word association tests. I love those.
Know what? Ponce De Leon is sold out.
So I said, 'Mr. Hayman, It's me george Costanza, JFK, ... ' He doesn't move. So I said uh, 'Can't stand ya'', 'Can't stand ya'' He turns and smiles, the little baked bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding me back. It was Heyman. He had my underwear. There I was on the steps of the 42nd St. library , a grown man, getting a wedgie.
I've gotta go to the bathroom.
All day. ( phone rings , Jerry picks up)
I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi though.
Yes, well, if you had never taken your keys back from Kramer, he never would have taken his back from you and given 'em to me, in which case I wouldn't have had to take mine back from her.
Thank you.
I-I just don't react well to these situations. My grandmother died two months early because of the way I reacted in the hospital. She was getting' better. And then I went to pay her a visit. She saw my face. BOOM. That was the end of it.
Where's the food? What happened to Ping?
Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid.
What, you should've just asked her.
No. Now I'll always have this doubt about the car. What, your jaw still hurts?
We'll come up with something.
We're having lunch with a friend. He works in the building.
I want evens.
Who are you to decide?
No I didn't mean to imply that you did. You're obviously a very well proportioned individual. I was just wondering, have they ever offered you a chair?
(Jerry is going to his bedroom) What?
Well why couldn't you include me in your excuse?
My Susan?
(pointedly to Elaine) Oh. Thanks very much for yesterday, by the way.
You start flirting with him and I'll come by and, while you're keeping him busy, I'll slip it in his drink. 
(frantic) Jerry! Jerry, muh--muh--my hair-dryer ruined the picture! An' I need another one or I can't get back into the forbidden city!
Do you think it would be better if I did? 
No problem.
Okay, what about a nice frame? With a picture of another guy in it. Frame says I care for you, but if you wanna get serious, perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this.
(animated) Some guy. Some guy? Neil! I have got to find out how he could get a girl like Danielle.
Only if you buy. I gotta make a sale.
So, I guess I was lucky that I never tried that myself.
What? Rate-aholics?
(Losing it) ...does not imply transfer of ownership. Moe, Sol, or... Lem is not gonna get away with this! 
(hearing Elaine over the phone) What, she's out?
(entering Jerry's apartment) Jerry?
I mean he's a good fighter and a nice guy but I don't like him.
Right.
Oh, yeah, me too, me too. Boy oh boy oh boy...! You know, in fact, I've been thinking about it, and I feel like I'm stealing from you! Five-hundred dollars! It's gonna be worth thousands soon! You know what? On second thought, I can't even accept it.
Who?
Anyway, I-I would like to-to pay for the cleaning.
Oh hey, by the way. Do you want a box 'a, Cuban cigars? I smoked one last night. I got nauseous.
So let's say in her mind she witnessed a pick. Okay, so then what?
Y'know. About *us*.
I saw them making out, you can believe it.
I don't know, uh... 
Oh, that's nice.
Wow, he really does a number on you. (reads) 'Seinfeld froze like a deer in the headlights in the face of incessant heckling.'
They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?
Really!
Well there is traffic. It might take her till eight-fifteen.
Yeah.
Hey, Lainey, wanna see the horsey?
(anger) Well now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose all its cachet!
Jerry? Jerry! I'm busting! I'm busting!
Isn't that the uh, Friars Club jacket?
That's it. That's the line... (squirts mustard into Jerry's coffee and stirs it) ...that destroyed my life.
Ah... (quietly)</font>
Das kaffes un salat e grand por favor.
No, listen; we are always sitting here, I am always helping you with your girl problems and you are helping me with my girl problems. Where do we end up?
So, just bring her here. This is all you really need.
Who's this, Blue Arrow?
That's where the electricity comes out.
Potato
Nothing except Prognosis Negative.
It was.
I don't know.
Well, who is she?
Nope, no can do.
Alright, Lupe, bye-bye now.
Susan, wait please... (grabs her)  Please ...
Hey, what about this? I'm in a car accident. The motorist is uninsured, you with me?
Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous.. then I got a look at the patient.. (Laughs, then snorts) I was going nuts. 
Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know. (Russell comes out of the bathroom.)
Alright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name's Buck Naked, I'm a porno actor.
What're you gonna do now?
(getting up out of his chair to get out of the Mohel's way) No, No.
You should have somebody take a look at that.
All right. See you tomorrow. (George sighs, exits.)
Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son.
You got odds.
'Whhhoooo!!!!'(taps on his desk loudly)
What's to think about? If Putty says it's what it is, it's what it is. He's not gonna cheat you.
Hey, look, Kramer,...
Would you like a chair?
Jean-Paul?
I froze. I think I'm losing it.
Because, Jerry, it's a couple rule! We have to tell each other everything!
(animated) Fixed up? A cup of coffee! A cup of coffee is not a fix up!
Jerry! I need you to get another picture of man-hands. I'm beggin' you!
ALL RIGHT!! 
So, uh, Mom, Dad, I was hoping that you could help me to remember my childhood a little clearly..
What about candle holders?
(surprised) So, I'm Neil? How did I do that?
Will you shut up?!
Hey, I am not here for rage. I'm here for revenge.
Allllll right!
(to Elaine) What are you doin' here?
Why should I?
Don't you believe me? It's their fiftieth anniversary. You know this is gonna kill him. You're aware of that. Kill him. On the biggest night of his life...
Because I asked you to.
This could be in a museum some day! It's not safe with me! It should really be in a doormanned building.
No-no-no, we all chipped in. We have the money.
I guarantee you that Moses was a picker. You wander throughh the desert for forty years with that dry air. ... You telling me you're not going to have occasion to clean house a little bit.
Well, Dr, Allenwood, uh...I was hoping to compile an - admittedly, rudimentary - scrapbook of her life. Something that Betsy could have, and hold onto.
It's not real. They're all made up.
You know what you oughta do. You should go to her office and heckle her.
How do women know about shrinkage?
Atlantic City? (thinks) Yes! Yes! I will go to Atlantic City. I'm in. I'm down.
I-I-I-I-I got it!!!!!
 How does Tim Whatley even know Newman?
(considers for a second) I don't care.
A signal, right, um, okay, uh, okay, the signal is, I'll call out tippy-toe!
'Arrrrrrgh!! .. It's George.. Oh! Sports wholesaler. yeah. yeah. .. thanks for calling back. No , no , no still got the shoes, still got the shoes. Lots of them. This is.. beautiful athletic gear.'
Champagne?
You know, uh, she has no female friends! You know that, don't cha? Something strange about a woman who's friends are all men.
(rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the yin-yang!
My parents are moving to Florida!
Sure, sure, sure, sure. (patting Jerry on the shoulders) How about these seats? Are these fantastic, huh? Huh? I feel like Lincoln.
The Rosses have started up a foundation, Jerry, and I have to sit on the board of directors.
Eh, don't mention it.
Exactly! Because neither one of us can't handle a woman all by ourselves.
Wait a minute, she did a skin cancer screening at Peterman?
Lights out.
I can't eat with you leanin' over like this. Just look straight forward.
Blanket
How should I know?
I can't run, I have a bad hamstring.
Oh right, right! The blue sweatpants! Gees, it's too bad you can't say anything because of Angela.
Do you wanna fight?
Bye-bye.
Here you go.
Susan, Susan would you wai,....
My car's totaled. It's all his fault and now, he has absolutely no money. There is no way that he can pay me. So the judge decrees that he becomes my butler.
(Fake sympathy) Well, my mother, Jerry.. 
Aretha!  (points finger at Jerry)
Yes! 
How'd she find it?
You going to the party?
All right. Let's go over it again, one more time.
No good? All right, uh how about Art... Cor.....
Right, ready?
'.....Well. I'm sorry. Call you right back.'
What happened to Putty?
Ah ha, Ah ha. You would, wouldn't you?
No, no. I reached down and there was *nothing* there.
What?
(defensive) So what? So what if I do?
Yes! Yes, all right--anything!
Well that makes sense. </font>
Lingerie?
I'm gonna go meet Danielle. (grabs his coat) There's a new Neil in town! (triumphant laughter) Hahaha!
Excuse me. Am I talking to you, Pinhead? Am I?!
(hangs up the phone) That's my toaster. I got to go. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!
So?
Uh, here.
Nothing, why? You think something's wrong? Am I different?
Who said anything about money? (intercom buzzes)
Oh, come on.
Okay, uh, eighteen dollars, and there it is. There you go. So maybe we could get together this weekend.
Super Savers? Are they refundable!?
No. That's disgusting!
Oh, that would be wonderful.
Well you know there is an unusual number of people in this country having sex with AMPUTEES! (grabs the forum from Kramer and walks over to the clerk) . . . Penthouse forum, newspaper, gum, Clark Bar.
You know, like all the comedians always say, 'How would you like it if I came to where you work and heckled you?'
 Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?!
(laughing) Have something else. C'mon, have a little dessert?
No, I don't care.
You don't like tippy toe?
Okay! Alright!
Now Peterman wants me to go to the funeral.
You talked all about that?
Can you believe it? It's happening! It's finally happening! I'm free!!
(standing) Yes, payroll. Yes I did. Very productive. Payroll... Paid off.
Yeah! Look at me! I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist, eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery!
Yeah, my cleaning lady's Portuguese. I must've picked it up.
I've tried. We don't have it. But maybe the two of us, working together at full capacity, could do the job of one normal man.
Well, sure. They're Jewish, and you're a shiksa.
Actually, I never had any formal training. I guess I'd be better suited for improvs, or something..
Could she do that at Kruger?
(Pointing to them) Office Christmas gift. I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine!
Grass
I mean, I could understand if there was something else playing, but it's this or nothing.
Me?
(TO JERRY, SOMEWHAT IMPRESSED) A Red Chinese prison?
Is that Elaine?
I hurt it in a hotel room. You know where they tuck the covers in real tight in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep like that so I tried to kick it out and I pulled it.
You can't compromise your principles!
I'll fight ya! Not the face! Not the face! (The struggle continues.)
Well what did you want her to do, you left it on the night table.
Yeah, Cubans.
Right. He cooks my food, he cleans my house, he does all my shopping for me. And there you go, that's your program.
(Arms out) I am king of the county. You? 
You bought non-refundable tickets, you idiot!
Bovary!  (points finger again at Jerry)
(crying from the onion) You'll see I'm right.
(pleading) Well, my bed is too small. 
What does it look like I'm doing? 
You're telling me. (he walks around and the suit makes a swooshing sound) So, what do you think? 
(interrupts her) You know what. I don't think I'm going to be able to stay over tonight.
Do women know about shrinkage?
Well, there's going to be a lot of dentists there.
That's right.
...velay.
Elaine, get something! It's all taken care of.
'No!...not...nothing.'
Well, of course they're trying to screw you. What do you think? That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows. 'By the way, you need a new Johnson rod in there.' 'Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well, you better put one of those on.'
That's exactly my point.
You're cutting me off? No, no, no Jerry, don't cut me off!
'Oh, I find you so charming.' You wuss.
(worked up) I'm aware! I'm aware!! But this is Marisa Tomei, Elaine. An Oscar winner! How can I live the rest of my life, knowing I coulda been with Marisa Tomei? She said I was just her type! She loves short, stocky, balding funny men!
Waffle maker.
I'm losin' it!
(to Elaine) He asked you to get the mail?
The Frogger is here.
What?
It won't for a while. At least not until after the cast comes off.
I have to talk to Elaine. This cleaing lady is turning the screws on me. She's pushing for this whole relationship thing. She keeps calling me, threatening to go to the boss with this thing, I could lose my job, I gotta do something to keep her quiet.
Me? You see what he did here, you see how he tried to sneak into my space?
All right, great.
Hey. How come I didn't get a Christmas card? Everybody else got one. Jerry got one, Kramer got one. I thought we were good friends. I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it.
You know, suddenly I'm in the mood for pasta primavera myself. (Jerry nudges George to sneak a peek at Molly's cleavage as she bends over and looks in her backpack. Jerry has a quick look, but George stares, hypnotized. Russell comes up behind George.)
Likewise.
He stole your girlfriend?
Ah, great. All right, with the wine I'm in over twenty dollars now.
I'm not kidding, you should do it.
 Well, he's merry.
Absolutely.
All right, uh, okay, I got it, um, I'll sing.
You know, my arm feels a lot better. That Wendy really knows her stuff. (he writes out a cheque)
Yeah.
I am not giving you my code.
Did you just say vault?
Del Boca Vista!
Oh, yeah. Downtown. Definitely.
Don't you see? I'm back in.
Good to see you again.</font>
Yeah. Thanks for, thanks for coming by fellas. Eh, got a set of keys, buried in the pothole.
Sir, I just got a call from the terrorist. I told him to call back here.
Jerry, I gotta talk to you.
It means a non-Jewish woman.
Is he dead?
So I set up a screening, everyone takes their shirt off and click, I snap me a shot of a bear-chested Kruger.
I know. I cut the button off and poked a hole with a letter opener.
A scar?
Oh, boy. Here she comes.
What is this 'saving movies' thing? Something's playing, you go.
The locker room!
HI ELAINE...
KEITH HERNANDEZ:?
For a mental patient. Wait a minute, the phone, we'll call the police.
Can't live!
Hey, hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault, you shouldn't have left it out.
Yeah, the kind that Castro smoked. You can't buy ?em anywhere.
Don't worry, we'll find something for you. (Knock of Jerry's door)
Do you know how much this is going to cost me?
Alright, well you know what'cha gotta do, you gotta go through her purse. Y'know, the-the credit cards, driver's license...
Mr. Pensky? Of the Pensky file? 
I, I really should go home. Ya.. actually I'm planning on spending the day with my father tomorrow (short laugh) we're uh we're going to a father-son picnic, just the two of us.
No.
You don't want to suffer with this all weekend.
Keep going.
Yeah, right.
So don't finish it.
That's an interesting question.
'Well...there's no room for someone like that in this organization.'
Cause I tell you, frankly, I would like to walk in hear one day and find you sitting down. (Starts to walk out of the store) That would give me a lot of pleasure. Call me crazy.
C'mon Jerry, please! It won't happen again.
Yeah, what the hell?!
She's bluffing... </font>
Yeah, and I - I heard you got on their good side. Now, what'd you do?
Bust of Nelson Rockefeller.
Probably because this whole Universe is against me!
We should have left earlier. I told you.
(taking the phone from Elaine) Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?
That's not how it happened. It's when he fell on him with his knee.
Did you tell her anything?
9... 1... 1. She said she'd do anything. Hello, police? Uh, yeah listen, we're in the back of a limo in Queens--
You only went in front first 'cause you saw me backing up and you didn't have room to parallel park!
What?
Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back.
What are you talking about? 
Yes, I'm Sorry, it's a new coat. It-it's Gore-Tex.
Well, go ahead! Do it!
 I had a little tiff with Bonnie about the roommate.
No.
(singing) 'Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open...'
'How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?'
(tearing out cheque) Yeah, same time. (hands over cheque) There you go.
Pssh. Yeah. Right.
You got that from Elaine.
(glances in mirror) Alright. Alright.
I know!
(to himself) Yeah, you said it. (to Wilhelm) Uh, excuse me, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, do you really think... Well, is this downtown trip really necessary, you know, for the project?
Yes!
Just need to uh, to dig 'em up.
Let me put that on speaker phone.
You've got 'shiksappeal'. Jewish men love the idea of meeting a woman that's not like their mother.
Jerry, you gotta talk to Sitarides.
Hey, Elaine. Maybe his girlfriend is Lois Loan.
A tractor.
So, what? We're gonna do nothing now, this is crazy.
Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it tomorrow, no problem.
Where are you goin?
--Astroturf? You know who's responsible for that, don't you?! The Jews! Ah, the Jews hate grass. They always have, they always will.
This country needs more people like you!
Alright, now. What mood am I in, what mood am I in?
(chuckles) Bye, thanks. (To Jerry, when Susan is far) I can't believe she took the money.
(Standing up, still waking up) Alright, you know what we should do? We should go to the movies. Get away from this script for a while..
Look, I'm gonna go to the bathroom...
Jerry?
Well, it's not my fault. You poked me!
When she goes to the bathroom.
Mr. Pensky. I was just working on your file. I was transferring the contents of the file into this flexible accordion-style folder.
Well Dad's been planning this for such a long time, he bought a new blanket, and he got tha...that game with foam paddles and the velcro ball. (laughs)
Maybe I'll just meet you there.
Continue.
Yeah. Once belonged to Jon Voight.
He's an importer.
I don't like to discuss figures.
How so? I'll tell you how so. She's bald!
'Hemmm!.. Fine!'
Hey, a 'hit' is a totally different story.
(getting annoyed) Hang on, it's warming up!
(adamant) It's not cheating if there's no sex!
... She's got it stashed away in there somewhere.</font>
(Frantic) Kramer, do you know what those guys are gonna do to me?!
Let's work on the card.
I know. And now they want me to bottle it up. It makes me so mad!
What is that? Is taht the pole?!
All right. You understand now? It's not that complicated.
So, much longer?
Do you swear?
You've got a prayer.
You shouldn't have tucked.
Excuse me?
It's Jerry's fault.
She confused 'six' with 'sex'? 
Of course you can. 
I probably didn't hear it on the way over because of the street noise. (he panics) This is no good! I got to meet these guys from MacKenzie for lunch in half an hour! 
No reason!
Mine!
I don't know. But I don't. I'm actually almost happy to hear it.
Oh, it's a lovely song. (singing) 'How do you solve a problem like Maria?...'
What for?
(upset) Well, you've scared her off. We may never see mom again.
Huh?
Well it's a little strange. You going to start to talk like Elaine from now on?
(angrily) Oh you mother...
Every five years!
(Losing it) Don't tell me how to eat!
The song?
KHAN!
Nah, nah, it's uh, it's a long story. Just uh, try to get it up.
Good morning, sir.
I'll tell you what's insane: the price that I could get you on a new desktop computer.
Oohoho...spicy mustard...woohoho, you're hot tonight!
So ... uh, squirrel.
And that was wrong, Jerry! You simple must to apologize..
Hey, maybe this cheating thing is what I could use to ditch Maura.
What about the mail?
I don't see why's she more self-conscious about that than her toe thumbs.
Never mind.
Of course it is.
Did she say Hello?
Would you excuse us for a minute Tim boy, we're kind of in the middle of something.
I believe strongly in that as you know.
I offered to pay. She should've said no.
Alright, I just have to go over to the Ross' apartment and drop off Susan's sunglasses. You'll come with me?
Elaine?
It's cleavage. I couldn't look away. What am I, waiting to win an Oscar here? This is all I have in my life.
He's on vacation. 
Yes, oh yes very much.
Jerry, for all I know this guy went out of his way to not invite you. How am I gonna feel if I show up with an uninvited, unwelcome intruder?
A few days go by and a call is placed at a time when Sandy is known to be busy at work. Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with a little playful humor, which she [Laura] of course cannot resist, an invitation to a friendly dinner is proffered.
Oh, well, uh. Gary told me you said hi.
(annoyed) He's an importer/exporter, okay? (beat) Elaine ever call you back?
I don't know, what? Eight thousand. It's a Hyundai. Get out of here. I told you not to sell. Simons made money, Wilkinson cleaned up.
What do you think I mean bald? Bald. Bald bald.
'...It's the chicken'
Wait a minute, you were at a funeral, right?
So, Lena was upset, huh?
Hey! What is your problem?
Aw, well, you know, it's your anniversary. It's - it's the least I can do. I - I just want you guys to go out and have a good time. Ha ha. So, you think we should, uh, we should get downstairs?
(frustrated) Ahh!
Oh I don't know. Check this out.</font>
(Pleading for them to stop) Mom.. dad.
You mean, like, a former member?
This bread has nuts in it!
(Sulking) That's why I hate it.
(Not wanting to make Elaine mad) I guess it's not important.
Yes Mr. Hayman.
Oh you told her didn't you.
What the hell are you two talking about? (All exit)
I just popped in now. I'm a big pop-in guy.
Nobody tucks anymore.
What?
'Quite a workout'? What did you say? 
'Double-dipped'? What are you talking about?
I know what you're going through. Women. Who knows what they want?
Jerry and Elaine. They made me nuts.
Elaine, don't interrupt, they're discounting something.
Well if she can't tell 'six' from 'sex' then how is she going to lip read from across the room? 
This MacKenzie, he's a bit of a nut. Someone told me he fired the last guy because his nose whistled when he breathed. 
Anyway it's kind of a fluke thing but uh I'll be leaving for Paris in two days. I will send you a postcard when I get there.
This is unprecedented!
It just does.
Congratulations...congratulations.
I guess I should be, but I'm not.
I wouldn't think so.
You pick it.
(agitated) Well, I, I couldn't come. I, I had to drive my mother to, to the chiropodist.
Dad. We need to talk.
Get out of here.
We'd all go to movie on Friday?
Singapore?! Do you hear this?
Oh, hello, it's you! (angry) Listen lady, I got six minutes left on that meter, and I'm not budging til you admit you stole my twenty dollars. (smug) Huh-hu-hur, you're not so tough when you're not on your horse, are you Ruthie?
I know, I know and you know *why* they're moving there?
(Trying to keep it down) Because I like this one! (Notices people staring at him, he quickly gets up, collecting the his coat and the tiny replica) C'mon, let's go. Let's go! (On his way out, he stops in front of a woman blocking his path) Oh, hi.. (Embarrassed about the doll, he sheepishly walks out)
Give him the jacket.
(thoughtful) Downtown.
See ya later.
Yeah, I know that. (clears throat) Could you start, working?
Oh, no, that's just the old, uh, the old handicap acting up.
There's porn.
And now for the trifecta. (Picks up a hand held TV and gets back under the covers.)
What's that?
Yes! Because it is the mature, adult thing to do.
She's like a district attorney. If it's not the truth, I'll break under the cross. I actually have to do it.
(hanging up) All right, Jerry. I'll do it. See ya.
Well, if she keeps horsing around with that tractor--
Exactly.
I mean , when I said Hello did she say Hello back?
Tim, who's the head of the Aryan Union, you or me?
That's why the world's in the shape it's in.
Did you talk to him?
You're right, how did I miss that? (Begins unlocking the door, mutters under his breath) Maybe because it's a crock of shit.
Maybe this is what the pilot should be about, vomiting on somebody's vest.
No, no, no, no.
Something happened to the food?
All right. So, he caught me in a cleavage peek, so big deal. Who wouldn't look at his daughter's cleavage? She's got nice cleavage.
What kind of operation is it?
Well you know in college they used to call me the little bulldog. 
(incredulous) You can't ground me, I'm a grown man. 
No, no I do. You know it's just...
(singing as he exits florist with bouquet and a cup of coffee) '...tootsie, good-bye. Too-too, tootsie...' (takes a drink, makes a face, shouts back at shop) You call this coffee? (dumps out coffee behind him, accidentally hitting a parked car's windshield)
You disappoint me, my friend. Sandy wants nothing to do with you. She tells Laura, 'If you want to waste your time with that pervert, that's your problem.'
You didn't?
I don't understand, you never talk to her about other women?
She's bald.
'It's the Kom Pau ... George likes his chicken spicy.'
May I help you?
Well, people never give a good 'hello' at a funeral. I mean, they go like this (George gives an extremely understated nod) That's the biggest.
What, it didn't bother her?
Oh, no. No. No. No. No. Nothing. I'm fine. Everything's fine. Fine. Just get a little nervous on the weekends, that's all. Could I, uh, could I get a glass of water?
(startled) Oh!
(Fed up with his parents) Actually, I think I'm pretty clear on it.
(whistling)....(laughing)....Alright......OK....
So, I ran into the Rosses again.
I should probably get going too. If I don't feed Pequita by seven, she goes all over everything.. take it easy.
Well I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts.
(PROUDLY) Me too.
How 'bout Kramer.
But this is Pavarotti!
So...?
Listen. You're beautiful. You're intelligent. You'll meet other girls...
So you feel okay?
It's two completely different sounds. 'ih' and 'eh'. 
Let's say it comes down to me and one other guy. He's got a nice quiet suit, and I'm whooshing all over the place! Who do you think he's gonna hire? 
Yea, ya..ya know I feel terrible about Joey but it's jus..it's a great business opportunity. I-I don't even know how long I'm gonna be away for.
What...are you using my babies now?
Jon Voight! Are you kiddin' me? Did you talk to him?
I'm just gonna...wash. (George walks to the bathroom; screaming) WHY DID I PUT UP TWO? WHY DID I PUT UP TWO?
You're a fine person. You're a humanitarian. She's very sexy.
Peter, Paul and Mary.
(harassed) Are you aware that I'm being charged for Tuesday's appointment? I had to take my mother to the chiropodist.
I'm leaving.
This is not good. World's are colliding! George is getting upset!
That's it! That's it! I can't take it. I can't take it anymore! You stole the statue! You're a theif! You're a liar!
Aah! Fire!
(pleading) Elaine, c'mon. Would you just make the call? (indicates the phone) Please, make the call.
To spite your parents!
Yeah.
Yep, this one for our side!</font>
(penny drops) Oh, uh, wait a minute, wait a minute. (snorts) Is this about money?
??? sir.
Oh well, that's, uh, that&iacute;s just because we're, uh, standing on opposite sides.
(on phone ' calling secretary) Hello Margery, George Costanza. How are you sweet heart? Listen, can you give Mr. Thomassoulo a message for me? ...Yes. If he needs me, tell him (screams) I'M IN MY OFFICE! Thanks.
Damn it!
Pleasuring you?
He has no home. He's a squirrel.
Hey, you know, there's this secretary at work that always had a crush on me.
Two-man? It's all me. Kruger doesn't do anything; Disappears for hours at a time, gives me fake excuses. This afternoon I found him with sleep creases on his face. The only reason I got out to get a bite today was that he finally promised to buckle down and do some actual work. (turning around, George sees Mr. Kruger at a booth eating a piece of cake) Oh, I don't believe this. This is what I have to put up with, Jerry. (He walks over) Mr. Kruger? Who said he was going to do some actual work today? Who?
Right.
Isn't polite to say Hello when somebody says hello?
What? Did I what?
And who's responsible for making hate mongering and fascism popular again?
You told him? What did you tell him?
Nothing.
How much are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand?
That's why I peeked. (Jerry opens the door to take some trash out, and meets Kramer and Gail in the hallway.)
Isn't that where they remove the--
Really? 
(angry that she believes Al was right) No he's not right. Al Netchie is not right! Alright I'm canceling the father-son picnic. I don't know what he's gonna do with all that potato salad.
I'm sorry! I'm terribly sorry! I- I-
(George, finger in the peanut butter jar): This is what I do.
Regards?
(anxious) I forgot who I am! Who am I?!
(to Jerry) Why don't you just turn it inside out?
Oh come on? No come on. She took off her hat and there she was (waving his hand over his head) hello. It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror.
Oh, yes of course, come in.
Hey, they can't go, 'Hey! You look fabulous!'
He's not here?
Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
What?
Wink.
I'll make time, because Abby, I was once like you; wide-eyed, naive, I didn't know the first thing about a subject as fundamental as risk management.
(Complaining) I can't read it. I need my glasses!
From me.
I'm not really sure, I...
You're kidding? Somebody else got killed?
All right, I?ll tell you what, you seem like a nice guy, let?s stop jerking around. Give me.. two hundred and fifty dollars, I?ve got people waiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here.
Why don't you call her agency. Maybe she's been out of town and she didn't get the calls.
Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...but I don't dip that way. (takes a chip.)
Yes, I know so. You happen to be a very eligible lesbian.
Like what?
It seems like a problem. 
An apartment complex, the uh the Eiffel Towers. uumm Like I said uh you'll be getting a postcard uh in a few days and again I'm sorry.
What, you didn't ask him about the car?
I know. I know.
(singing) 'Lemon tree, very pretty and a lemon flower...'
(after Wendy and to the receptionist) Oh, you have a policy! (to the world at large) The delicate genius has a policy! George heads for the door.
Let me ask you a question. This new move. Is there a knuckle involved in any way?
I gotta go.
(shouting) Fire!!
(triumph) Alright.
Yeah!
I think he was trying to tell me something, like it had some sort of a meaning.
Yeah, see, uh, when we met, I was over there and, uh, you were over here, so the image, uh, the image was reversed, like, uh, like in the mirror.
She's too tanned. It's the middle of the winter, she's like a carrot.
Well I am. Couldn't you try to go through some of that stuff I put in your shoebox?
And she'll still see it, you're not stopping her from seeing it.
Elaine's coming up?
Elaine, I'm, I'm shocked. I'm shocked. Here I go out in the spirit of the season (Elaine looking like she's not buying a word of it) and spend all my savings to buy you the most beautiful Christmas sweater I have ever seen to show my appreciation to you at Christmas and this is the thanks that I get at Christmas.
Good. I think you forgot something.
I don't believe it, what did you say?
Didn't say anything. (They go into Elaine's apartment.)
Oh, gotta get fifty. Gotta get fifty. All right, I tell you what. We go to the coffee shop, you call your manager. Maybe they made an offer.
(After looking in the bag) The pea pods? All you saved was the pea pods? (Kramer enters)
Mulva! (again pointing finger at Jerry -- Kramer watches the exchange back and forth)
Alright, alright!
Oh, I'm I'm full of it Father. 
Oh, sure. Of course. (looks for place to set down flowers) Um, uh, could you hold these? For just a second, just a second. (grabs newspapers from trash bin, begins wiping windshield) Here you go, now don't worry about a thing. It's gonna be fine. Here we go. Look at this shine.
(on phone) . It's George Costanza. . are there any messages for me? Why does Mr. Steinbrenner want to see me in his office? . . . Communist? I'm not a Communist . . . . All right, all right. All right, I'll be there. - ( hangs up ) My secretary Ada, told Mr Steinbrenner I'm a Communist Now he wants to see me in his office.
Vandelay!
Alright ok. You got the tape?
Let me tell you something. No one walks into a beauty parlor and says 'Give me the Larry Fine.'
Yes, well, if the other people in the office saw that I called an exterminator, they would just panic. Besides, this is sort of a friendly visit. Carl, right?
Yeah, my wife couldn't make it today. She's got something with her mother... Who knows what's going on with her. Don't let any one kid you, it's tough.
(enters) Hi.
It's impossible. I got him a wake up service.
Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!
Too good...
I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is guilty!
Your hose! Where's your hose?!
Wyck.
I'll tell you what, why don't you read this book and let's just see if you can explain it to me.
See? This looks right to you, doesn't it?
She's leaving me dirty messages on my answering machine.
It's not a pet! It's a wild invalid! And it knows that I tried to kill it. As soon as it gets better, it's gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep!
I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did you say?
(shouting) No No No!
People smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked. It didn't hurt me.
I left three messages. I can't believe this woman. She has sex with me, leaves ten minutes later then I never hear from her again. What kind of a person does this? I mean, she used me. I feel cheap and violated.
Oh my God. I must be crazy. What have I done?
Hey pop, would you buzz off, I've got something cooking.
No. (dips the chip) You dip the way you want to dip...(bites the chip) I'll dip the way I want to dip. (dips the chip again.)
Hey, I know what I'm talking about. I gotta be honest with you, I gotta tell ya... Ever since I saw you holding hands with that woman, I can't get you out of my mind.
Not now Florice. 
Fantastic?
Oh no, in and out, I made sure of that. And you'll be happy to know I perused the script and it's met with my approval.
He chose the cats?
See her tonight. See her tomorrow. Go. Knock yourself out. She's too crazy for me.
Well, it's less than twenty-four hours, so I guess I have to!
I think that's mine.
Girlfriend, yeah, right.
Um, I don't uh, really think I can go.
Shut up!
You're Killing Independent George! You know that, don't you?
(thinking) Oh my God, it's 7:01. What have I done? My whole plan is depending on Kramer? Have I learned nothing? How could I make such a stupid mistake? He'll never show up!
Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I think we need to talk.
I know, they're out of their minds! It's fantastic!
'When you're alone, and life is making you lonely, you can always go...'
Celia's up for parole.
Why not? It's a good look for a woman.
(to Jerry) Huh-ho! Have you ever seen anything like this?
Good.
You told her? How could you tell her? I told you not to say anything.
Good. Now get out.
A pack of teenagers?
(excited, pushing Jerry forward) All right, let's go, let's go, let's go, come on.
Of course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be back? My mother's in the hospital, I'm going to pay her a visit. 
It'll be different this time.
Do you really think so?
Oh, I understand. (George exits; Sees Kramer in the hallway) Hey.
Well, anyway, the book club meets tomorrow, Mr. Temple.
Look at this sparkle. (looks up, sees Lindsay's mother) Mrs. Enright! (runs after her) Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright!
Let me be the architect! I can do it!
How do you feel? Confident?
Yeah, sure, we met at Jerry Seinfeld's apartment. When you fumigated for fleas over there.
Good, good day. How was your day?
. . . gone?
I see what you mean.
GUILTY!
Oh. I know they have some monies.
Okay.
Hi.
(passes cane from right to left and back a few times) But, see here. Right. Wrong. Right. Wrong. Right. Right. Wrong--
(Sheepishly to Elaine) I'll be right back. (Leaves)
She wants to keep it quiet. She... thinks we have a real future together.
No! No! Turn it off! No feats of strength! (Gets up and starts running out of the coffee shop) I hate Festivus!
So, they knew? Those liars!
They're for protection, Jerry. Can you tell where I'm lookin'?
What are you gonna do?
Okay, what are we gonna do?
What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. I just committed adultery!
This is very exciting! You're on the Tonight Show, NBC, who else is on the show?
Thirteen thousand?
Mr Reichman?
Yeah, you're just so... hip.
How gee what a coincidence.
(swerving) Hey! Watch it! Did you see that guy? He just gave me the finger!
(on phone, as Jerry gestures beside him) No, Lindsay, I had accidentally spilled coffee on the gentleman's windshield. Why would I do that? I have a job! Well, did she see a squeegee? Well, you're not going to make a dime without a squeegee. That's right, that's right, just tell your mother it was all a big misunderstanding. You won't regret it. Okay, I'll see you later. Buh-bye. (hangs up)
Jon Voight bit you?
I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm wonderful. I never felt better in my whole life.
Barry?
Well, I didn't really tell Susan about it, and she doesn't really have anything else to do.
Shut up!
You know what word Susan used last night? Hnuh. Vault! hu,
The Jon Voight car is no more.
There he is. Right on time as usual.
Beautiful!
'Maybe you know some little places to go, where they never close...'
What?
Ridiculous!
Elaine you don't understand. I had 103 temperature when I bought that sweater. I was so dizzy I was seeing red dots everywhere. I thought everything in the store had a red dot on it. I couldn't distinguish one red dot from another. I couldn't afford anything. I have nothing. I haven't worked for a really long time. (Jerry is standing right behind George. Jerry takes out a hankerchief and starts fake-crying in it.) I mean look, I have no clothes, look at what I'm wearing. It's just a little red dot.
Could there be a native p0roblem in the Caymans? Maybe there's native unrest.
You are a genius, it's as simple as that.
Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?
You're my mother! What wouldn't I do for you? 
I'm not stable? I'm like a rock. I take these glasses off, you can't tell the difference between me and a rock. I put these glasses on a rock. You know what jumps into most people's minds? Costanza!
Oh, my God...
And God didn't kill me.
Oh, when is that car service coming? 
I am aware. I am aware. 
She was a delicate flower.
Yes, well, I sat down with Mr. Steinbrenner. I told him you have been doing great work. I said that you deserved a raise, and if you didn't get it, that I, was leaving. (motions with both arms in a circular motion to his right)
 And there's you ticket.
You nervous?
Jerry? Yes, I suppose he is white. You know, I never really thought about it. I don't see people in terms of color. You know, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Hand on... (To phone) Is Mr. Morgan in?
Oh, nothing much. You know, I went over to Jerry's. Talked to Jerry. Um, could I talk to you for a minute?
I don't want Morgan's job. He's got a lot of work to do. Hey, Elaine, your friend never woke up Mr. Morgan.
Hup! Hup!
What was that?
Where's the depravity?
Oh, I'm crazy!
This is very exciting. The inner sanctum.
(whispering) Glenda, can I ask you a favor? Can I have this seat? 
(breaks a long silence) The uh, the shoe laces that you bought me, they uh, they worked out well. (thumbs up)
So, if Susan and I had... I mean, if the envelopes hadn't, uh... then we--
It's, funny runnin' into you here.
You have to stand tough sir. That's why I had to hang up the phone.
Yes. Very nice to have had her to mention... (starting to leave)
Well, you're not gonna believe what happened.
Every woman on the face of the earth has complete control of my life. And yet, I want them all.. is that irony?
Yeah, but they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons, they never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when they know you're lying. You call them a liar!
No.
This is for you.
I keep wracking my brain to try and figure out what I did. I was smart, I was funny, I made great small talk with the waitress so she could see I could relate to the commoners, you know, I'm a man of the people.
Alright, how's this? We wait till we get to your street corner, we see Elaine and Kramer then we get out. They can't shoot us in the city.
Oh yeah.
Might meet a celebrity.
a piece?
[studying his jacket] Oh man! Look at this! I sat in gum. Oh, by the way, you owe me seven fifty.
Pasta primavera?
It was very traumatic. The last thing I remember is you flinching. Then, everything went black.
So, he made an appointment for me to see Dinkins' doctor. He's just trying to humiliate me.
Oh yeah! Middle finger, straight up, at me! At us!
You think I'm going down?
I told you those trips were relationship killers. Too bad you can't get your buddy Superman to fly around the Earth at super speed and reverse time. You'd get all the money back, you could have avoided the whole trip to Vermont...
(shocked and angry) You paid that crook?!
It's uh, it's only a few blocks.
You fixed me up with a bald woman.
Well, she doesn't really want to see Firestorm.
She got that from you!
No kidding?
Wait a second. 'Little places to go, where they never close.' What's a little place that never closes?
(quiet, desperate) Maybe she can get me another picture of man-hands. (calling) Elaine!
(sitting) So, guess where Mr 'Ocean phoned' turned up? He's working for Firestone, in Akron, Ohio.
Well, some women like it.
Oh, this is my friend Jerry.
Oh, you're dead.
Elaine, shut-up.
Keith, Keith Wa What happened? Where's Keith?
I'd like to hear that.
What was that?
He dropped it.
(Smiling) You got it, Ma. (She smiles back, nodding) A little later. (George sits back in a nearby chair, looking at the divider in anticipation) 
I change I change. Two weeks ago I tried a soft boiled egg. Never liked it before. Now I'm dunkin a piece of toast in there and I'm loving it.
It's Allison. I dated her right after you. She's obsessed with me.
If this lip reading thing works tonight do you know how incredible this is going to be? It's like having Superman for your friend. 
Well, as I say, the pink-eye made my vision...quite blurry... (Joe's daughter comes to the door.)
He left perfect imprints.
Oh, well, don't worry about it -- he's got plenty of money. (spins his chair away from her)
Get up, get up, it's her! Oh, the hell with this, I'm scared to death, just walk away, it's off, cancel everything, go!
He left... huh... Carl, you hungry?
...yeah, my wife started getting on me about the lawn today. I'm tellin' you, it's one thing after another.
You see this is the thing. . . . (crying) I just feel . . . mumble, cry, mumble, . . . I'm scared. You and I together, (cry)
Napkins?
You just checked your watch. Are you thinking of bailing on him?
(whispering) I can't explain. It's very important that I sit here. 
Should be a while though.
And now?
(embarrassed/self-conscious about his gut) Do I? Thanks.. You too..
Be right with you. Look Mr. Steinbrenner.
Play Now thinks I got problems in both legs. My own personal Rascal, Jerry. On the house.
That's perfect! He's a zoo guy! He take's care of animals. C-Can I bring the squirrel by?
I can't go anywhere, I have to wait here for Tatiana's call. Let me just check.
Yes. Thank you! Is that so hard?
Bring it on, baby
What did you go on a picnic?
As you care for me. Which is why it is very important that you never breathe a word of this to anyone about the... you know. What, with Clarence Thomas and everything.
No, don't call her.
Well, I wouldn't want you to do that. You know there's a lot of losers out there.
What are you worried about, you know it.
That's insulting! Ted Danson makes eight hundred thousand dollars an episode.
I still paid for it!
Be careful, you're getting blood all over the car.
And I have to go. If I don't go, he'll know I'm lying.
I'm following him.
I know.
Nice to meet you.
He didn't do anything, Jerry. It's a scam! Who told you to do that?
Yeah, that's right.
She um, she wants to see The Muted Heart.
Is she the only girl in the whole world? Why can't you get find your own girl?
Oh ho! Class, huh? At Columbia? Let me tell you something, pal. I called the registrar's office. I checked you out. They have no record of a Ray Thomas at that school! You liar!
Hey, thanks. I owe you a big one.
'Just listen to the music of the traffic, in the city. Linger on the sidewalk, where the neon lights are pretty.' Where the neon lights are pretty. The Broadway area?
Yep. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning.
Excuse me, I'm expecting a call. Costanza?
I don't know. (TO ELAINE) Where's Kramer?
How come?
(out the window) Keith, Keith, up here. Can you do me a favor? I need you to go to the unemployment office with me. I, I'm Jerry's friend ... the guy from the locker room, ... I'm the chucker. It'll take five minutes. Wait. Wait.
Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference? 
And I am not a piece of toast.
Allison! Hi! Oh, my God! How are you?
How much?
If we could just harness this power and use it for our own personal gain, there'd be no stopping us. 
(spins his chair back to face her) So you got a $25,000 a year raise.
Pst. (moves in close with Elaine and Jerry) Wilkinson's got a bite on a new one. Petramco Corp. Out of, uh Springfield. I think. They're about to introduce some sort of a robot butcher.
I, I couldn't wait. I was too anxious to see you.
Uh no no, she's working.
Yeah?
Thanks again for last night!
(whispering angrily) Okay. Okay. Fine. 
Well I was dropping of the calzone money for the week.... Um shouldn't you be at work by now?
This townhouse?
It's over, Jerry. She's gettin' out.
(sad) Yeah! Yeah. Hey--hey you, you know.. Maybe I'll call you sometime.
Why is the mailman wearing a bucket?
I gotta get to Fowler. I know that he would take this squirrel off my hands. It's practically bionic!
Hmm-hmm, not by a long shot. I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them up to my non-existent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll see who blinks first.
The side?
Babu Bhatt? How I'm going to explain this?
Yes of course go ahead. My guess is you're going to like this very much.
No, Jerry, don't call.
Well, that's a given.
Oh great.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah, go. Go about your business, I'll just wander around.
Okay, okay. Look, you do all the talking, okay?
Well, he does.
I don't care. Look, Lloyd doesn't know what he's up against. This is nothing to me. (moving his arm) My whole life is a lie.
See, look at this. (wearing a very tight shirt) Rachel, my T-shirt shrunk. It used to be much bigger, and now it shrunk. You see, that's what water does. It shrinks things.
Wait a minute, wait, it's not that stupid.
Oh, I was trying to make a point.
So?
What?
Yeah. see you later.
Hello.
You see (to Jerry). You see. You see what I'm talking about. It's all just slipping away. And you're letting it happen. (exits -- slamming the door)
You mean alias.
(staring at the wreck) Whatever.
'The lights are much brighter there. You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares, just go...'
Don't you understand? It's not about him. To have a line as perfect as 'jerk store' and to never use it. I, I couldn't live with myself.
I got greedy. Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.
Well, was it for Costanza or...
Pretentious? Who, who isn't pretentious? Ha, ha, if everyone who was pretentious was in a mental institution, ... uh, obviously THIS isn't a mental institution.
See, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen...
I don't know.
(Standing up) I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a little time with you. 
That's okay. That's good. You think Louie Pasteur and his wife had anything in common? He was in the fields all day with the cows, you know with the milk, examining the milk, delving into milk, consummed with milk. Pasteurization, Homogenization, She was in the kitchen killing cockroaches with a boot on each hand.
Right. I don't have it on me. Allison, this is Susan. Susan, Allison.
You see, It's right here. It's all white...
Who was he?
You're making more than I am.
Shhhhh. If you want to get in, there's very little time. (calling to the waitress) Sweetheart.. (Waitress approaches and tears off a check. George stops her.) No, no, no. That ought to cover it. (He hands her some money; she turns to leave; George stops her.) Just a second. Just a... let me jus-peek... (He looks at the check, then takes some money out of her hand. George urges Jerry and Elaine to eat.) Come on, come on, come on...
Oh, this is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld. I just bumped into him around the corner. Isn't that a coincidence? The funny thing is, I see him all the time.
She's an... etymologist. You know, bees, flies, gnats. W-What about you?
All right. (smiles behind her back)
Mothers say things. My mother goes babbling on and on like a crazy person.
(impatient) What about Marisa Tomei?!
Soooooo
And now?
She's been locked up for two years. She's gonna want to make up for lost time. Dinners. Movies. (Rubs his forehead.) Talking...
(pause) What do you think, Jerry.
Then... shouldn't you be wearing the bucket.
This is not about them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to exercise Jerry's gaskets.
What happened to Mrs. Krantz?
All right!
Na, he's gone. I wonder what happened to him.
(CONT'D) Look at the time, that's it.
U-ok. (George closes the window and shoos Elaine off. He opens the door to Monica.) Here you go.
Of course it's cashemere.
I don't want you to call.
Must be hell living in that house.
They were in here, I saw her put 'em in here!
Go, go, go, don't worry about it.
As a suspect in a serial killing.
Yeah, they're not better than me.
I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?
Huh (quietly)
From NBC?
It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him: 'Please wake up, do something.'
I did!
Hey
What're you doing? What're you, telling secrets? What're you laughing at?
Why? Why isn't it possible? I mean, they're both bite marks.
Yeah, Art Vandelay.
(gasping) I think I swallowed a fly! I swallowed a fly! What do I do? (He turns to a coffee shop patron at the counter.) What can happen?!
No I'm not. I *was* bald.
(To Carl) Oh, by the way, order anything you want, it's all on me. Just do me a tiny favor: pretend we're old friends. Oh my God! Mr. Morgan! What a coincidence, it's Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan, I want you to meet a dear old friend of mine, Carl.
Oh my god.
Well, that was bound to happen.
I can't believe I didn't push for this sooner.
'Things'll be great, when you're...'
I told her I would have to think about it.
(adamant) It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it. (shouting) And, I'm not gonna dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience!
Well was it a woman?
No, that's not it at all.
Well I didn't know you wanted to go to the flea market.
Hey. (pointing at him) Corbin Bernsen.
and SUSAN: (nod)
Ten minutes! Here, here, (Fishes a box of Tic-Tacs out of his coat pocket and tosses them to her) Have some Tic-Tacs. 
Because. There was a lot of cake lying around the house. Just sitting there going with all the excess milk from all the experiments [grins]
You uh owe me for the ticket.
You've never seen this before?
(Hands still out, even though they've stopped looking at them) What happened to him?
Hey look a that - boy are you lucky - another great spot - right in front of the hospital. In an emergency yet! How lucky are you huh? Is that unbelievable? How unbelievable is that huh? Come on, give it to me, give it to me.
What are you doing? You're making more than I am. A secretary cannot make more than her boss.
 Well, what happened when you got upstairs?
Elaine.
All right, listen, I'll see you guys later.
(calling after her) But..
I am ready.
What exactly is mutton?
Hello.
(cheerful) Alright, there you go. She's gonna get the jacket back. (claps hands) So, let's go get some coffee, huh?
You don't work in the rain? Your a mailman.'Neither rain nor sleet nor snow.....'It's the first one.
Not.
Heh, haa. And that's no good. I've tried it straight, Jerry. We've all seen the results. For me, sick is the only way to go.
(waving apologetically) Not you.
I don't know. This sandwich is making me flush.
Boy, my knuckles are still cramped from that football game.
We came in over there!
Piece of cake; hu.
Just a little something for Christmas.
Give me the phone!
Well, what do they look like?
What did they put on this tuna? Tastes like a dill, I think it's a dill.
Who are they?
What about me?
Yeah, yeah, me to miss -- I miss.
Can you uh, go in the bubble?
I hate him!
Well Elaine was supposed to help me.
I have never seen a Mohel like that.
she's there, I can hear her 
You know, it's very impolite to tell secrets. Are you talking about me?
It's worth a shot. (Goes to the door.)
I love the mirror in that bathroom! I don't know what in the hell it is. I look terrific in that mirror. (George sits.) I don't know if it's the tile or the lighting... I feel like Robert Wagner.
No, no, no Elaine.
That's... what we used to call him in high school, the exterminator. He's a linebacker. Oh, did we have some wild times.
She probably never heard it. Don't you see what this means? It's like the whole thing never happened. It's like when Superman reversed the rotation of the earth to save Lois Lane!
Uh, yes, actually we-we both do.
I got nothing, Jerry. Nothing.
I don't know. Perhaps I can better serve the world this way.
Hey.
You know, you know what's great about our relationship?...It's not about looks.
She called. He yelled Cartwright. I missed her.
These kids called me a Mary.
Uh, we're cool. Everything's cool (to security attendent)
Yeah, that was enough.
Hey, who's talking to you?
Big fan! Big fan.
Yes! Yes. You know. She didn't know about Pasteurization. He didn't know anout Fumigation. But they made it work!
(dramatically) A what?
You mean, uh..?
Oh, don't tell me. Lloyd?
...And exporter.
Who gets picked off in softball? It's unheard of.
Okay, I guess I'll see you down there.
Were you just talking about me? What's going on?
Hi.
You were supposed to deliver my calzones. We had a deal!
You know, it really can't.
It's not the same.
I think you're right. You gonna eat that?
So, you... you say you've been in the city all winter?
What? Oh I spilled some food on it.
I had a feeling you would like it. No, don't try it on now, try it on later.
Would you buy my Cayman Island ticket?
Jerry, I'm gonna kill you!
Well, they're obviously not here.
What about me?
Why him? Why not me?
He poked me!
It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.
huh you tell her 
What accident?
I don't know, I can't eat. You, you can't have anything anymore. Look at this, look at this. Eggs: out. Coffee: out. French fries: out. BLT: out! I go to visit my grandparents: three big brisket sandwiches, I'm sittin' here with a carrot! They're closing in on a hundred, I'm sayin' to them, 'How can you eat that stuff?' (They look at their menus again.) I'm so sick about losin' that choose, you don't know.
You know, we could go uptown, and that way we could give Jerry a ride home.
Nooooo.
(crafty) Not necessarily. Why don't you take back the couch you gave me?
That's the question, Jimmy.
Well, personal, I mean, we both uh...
Really?
You think I should come clean? What d'you think, you think I Should confess?
Elaine, I got to have another picture of Gillian.
Yo, Anna.
Simple joke from a simple man.
Oh, I was uh, I was waiting downstairs for the jackhammer, thought I'd drop by.
Wait a minute? He's picking up the van tonight? This is perfect. I'll drive Rhisa to someplace romantic. Then when my father slides the door open, I'm in the van kissing his brother's daughter.
No, Can't be...For instance I remember when we first met, we had a great conversation.
I'm Cartwright!
I'll try a piece.
I was jumping over a puddle, and for some reason I went like this. (George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion) And they called me a Mary. So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell.
All righty, no reason for us to uh, raise our voices.
No No I'm working on a system...Who was that?
Hey, you grew a beard, huh?
Taste this, is this a dill?
So then he makes his own bed?
(To Jerry) We got work to do. What about the meeting?
(Muttering, slow) Hang on, Ma.. hang on.. 
(can't be heard but looks like) Kramer!
A biopsy?
(Makes a gesture saying he understands. The man nods) But how.. uh..?
Oh, look, he's going to ask you about my arm. So, just tell him I banged it against a desk. And it's been moving involuntarily ever since.
(clears his throat) I'm, uh, I'm an architect.
I'm gonna do it.
Okay.
Something's going on here.
You know, you're nuts with these sponges. George is gettin' frustrated!
Matches? Long matches.
But I'm paying you!
Well... (shuts door) heeere we are (puts down his coat and chuckles)
So what do you want me to do?
What are you talking about?
Take it off. You're going to ruin it.
No.
Who paid?
(as Jerry and Elaine continue to whine) Give it! Give it! (he finally gets the remote away from them) Pinheads.
What? Every time I leave my house now I have to call everybody I know and ask them if they want to do what I'm doing?
Jerry, unless I pull down on this statuette and a hidden wall opens up, we have checked every square inch of this apartment!
Why them? Why not me?
I'm better than him.
It was you!
if you hadn't come, this whole thing wouldn't have happen (back on Jerry and Elaine's side, we can hear George saying 'I was the one who was invited', Jerry opens the door) 
All right we got the wine. Aren't we lucky? We got wine. Whoopee Whoa! Imagine if we didn't bring the wine. We'd be shunned by society. Outcasts! WHERE'S YOUR WINE? GET OUT!
That's unbelievable!
These are the balloons? Big deal, all I see is Woody Woodpecker.
So, you didn't think this was a date?
What?!
Don't you wanna go upstairs first?
Yeah, sure. (big smile) Then my father will have no place to sleep. (snaps fingers) He's gotta move out.
(trying again with Glenda) I'm gonna count to three. If you don't give up the chair, the wig is coming off. 
Oh uh hi Hi, David
(Ironing) You don't wanna know.
Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex again anyway.
Yeah. I got 'em down to fifty bucks. I just have to do all the jackhammering myself.
These fries are really really good...
....But after that we really talked didn't we?
Of course I'm not Cartwright! Look, why don't you two just go to the movies all by yourselves, I'm not in the mood.
What I said? I say stupid things all the time I can't go two minutes without saying stupid things.
You can't do that, it's none of your business!
Me??
Great move, telling him, by the way, real smart move.
Hey. You know, do I have a case for you guys to do on L.A. Law.
Cancer? Is it cancer? Do I have cancer?
(Smiling to himself) You don't have to worry about me. (Nodding, gloating) I won a contest.
Wha, where is he going?
Why not?
Uh, railroads, uh...
And then in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly?
I'd like to say it once to someone that can actually hear it!
Yes, and I'm speaking at a men's' conference.
I, uh, oh, broke a shoelace today.
Newman!!
Hey, last night, I found a whole Weeble Village right behind the EZ Bake oven.
(excited) Ho ho! (gestures and steps towards bedroom but Loretta walks the other way to the couch)
That is an opening.
From my pocket.
The psychic said something terrible will happen.
Split it. Pretty good. Talk about game six?
What?
Tarragon? Oh, you're crazy.
I'm as good as them.
(crouches too) What? Where? Where?
Uh, well, you know,...
All right, let's postpone it. Let's get out of here.
Alright, what's the difference. What are we gonna do now? He won't take our calls, we can't get into his office...
Hey.
L-Look at this?
Wha.. you ran?
Yeah, what is he? Some sort of an instigator?
I thought it was a date.
Why not?!
No, the cushion's turned over.
So, how was the movie?
One... (Glenda seeing George is serious; gets up and leaves)
Elaine
Elaine? (she turns, sighing) Can I come?
What, wha, what're you talkin' about?
Oh, sports are so pedestrian. I've prepared some science experiments that will illuminate the mind and dazzle the eye.
I was handcuffed to the bed.. In my underwear, (Sighs) where I remained.. (Scene cuts to another story) She was attractive.. She was, also, infact, a Nazi.. (Cuts to another story) The water.. that I had been swiming in was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was.. significant shrinkage.. (Scene cuts to, yet, another story) Her parents were looking at me.. So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole.. (Scene cuts to his closing statements) In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man. (Gets up) Thank you. (Every memeber of the board shows some sign that George's story is most deserving of the apartment. Ricardi is crying. George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing..) Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. (Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members) Thanks again. (Leaves. Eldridge looks defeated)
Ow!
Finished.
Yes, I'd like to report a problem with one of your mechanics. 
Na....no ... This relationship he..he..has got to be about something and fast or I'm in very serious and weird trouble....hum What else happened?
You should be the one criticizing me. I, I'm lucky to even know someone like you.
(CONT'D) Excuse me...I really... What's happened is that my friend forgot where he parked and if you're not in a big hurry, we'd really appreciate it if...
Judgement, Jerry, judgement! You exercised no judgement.
...so mind you, at this point I'm only going out with her two or three weeks. So she goes out of town and she asks me to feed her cat. So at this time, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and, uh, it slips my mind for a few days. Maybe a week. Not a week, five, six days.
Boy, you look really great.
A biopsy!
That's it? You don't have to screw it in or anything?
What? 
So, you're taking his side?
The New York Yankees!
They can...
Okay.
How's the trip?
Uuh, sleepy.
(walking back) Are you sure? 'Cause it could really help me out of a jam.
I eh, I had a sandwich in my pocket.
But tell him to give me the--
He's extremely Murphy. He's Murphy to a fault.
What?
You really think so?
I'll fake an illness. (Acts it out) My back! My back! I can't believe, my back.
Hey, now you're onto something.
Yes it is! You're very charming!
what are you doing here? 
Somebody double parked and blocked us in. D-DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHOSE CAR THAT IS? Maybe there's a note on it. Ohh-oh brother. No, no note. Can you believe this?
Holy cow!
So, anything to uh, nosh?
What about the regards?
Oh, get outta here.
(smiling) What about Sharon Besser?
Yes, yes, but uh, I have to make a call, so...
(enthusiastic) Yeah. You get a couch. I get rid of my father. It couldn't be more perfect!
Oh, yeah?
Listen uh, David, I, I, I want to apologize about that comment
Pick up the phone, Elaine. Pick it up!
Yeah, two for the 7:15 of Novaj pravas (?). What you're wearing the green sweater?
You broke up with her? Why?
Oh, me, me, me, me, me!
(To the man behind him in line) Yeah, right... I'm gonna get my car repaired at a dealership. Huh! Why don't I just flush my money down the toilet? 
Aw right YES! GUM! Good enough I'll take it.
Told me what?
Of course I mean that. I am incapable of guile.
You will?
Well, it's the damnedest thing. The cat dies. So she comes back into town, she finds the cat lying on the carpet stiff as a board.
Yeah, take care. Stay in touch.
Why?
He said he didn't know what it was.
ah. 
Already you're marrying this guy?
They could kick me out of the health club if he tells them!
I'm the assistant to the travelling secretary. I'm going on the road trips with 'em! I'll be on the plane... I'm working in Yankee Stadium! This is a dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting!
Brown.
Hello, Rick. 
Well. Gotta motor.
20 thousand dollars?
Should we tell him we're leaving?
Oh, not more building.
Hey.
Yeah, had some coffee, yeah.
No.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Lemme see this. (Tries to grab the papers.)
No, no you really look great.
I can do this, Jerry.
Yeah. Well, maybe not Elaine.
What do you mean 'into the patient'?
Hey, was that a joke about Houdini?
Oh yeah, when are you gonna execute that plan?
I really can not comprehend how stupid people could be sometimes. Can you comprehend it?
How could you do that?!
Hey.
Popcorn?
No, tell me.
I won't mope.
I know Jerry. He has this phobia about public toilets. I think we really should go upstairs.
Happy? Why should I be happy?
What?
Maybe a black.
(desperate) Steinbrenner had me committed! I'm in the nuthouse!
Oh ya, This is my fiance, Susan. This is David
Pick it up, pick it up!
She doesn't like. Here is your blue one, it's her favorite. (Takes sweater out of his bag.)
I think I'm getting tired of it. I mean is that all it does? Hello? La-la-la?
One of your guys - Kip, or Ned, short name - stole my Twix candy bar! 
I do too. you see that's what we're about . You don't remind me of anyone and we love gum.
He didn't say anything.
Thanks a lot. I'm really late. My parents are waiting in front of my building and we're stuck here.
It's George.
So then what?
This is incredible!
That's what she says. I say, listen. It was an old cat. It died of natural causes. So get this, now she tells me that I gotta buy her a brand new cat. I say listen, honey. First of all, it was a pretty old cat. I'm not gonna buy you a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat. And second of all, I go out to the garbage, I find you a new cat in fifteen seconds. I say, you show me an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation, I spring for a new cat. So she says something to me, like, uh, I dunno, get the hell out of here, and she breaks up with me. Now don't you think that would be a great case on L.A. Law?
The parakeet in the mirror. That's a good one, Stu.
Hi, how are ya? (They kiss)
What did we say? Two seventy-five?
What do you mean? The engagement is off, we get the TV back. That's business.
When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a 'get outta here'. That's what I wanted to hear: 'Cancer? Get outta here?'
All right, believe me, you're not going to marry him.
Talk to him!
Ya!
That's right, Ricky Boy, it's me! 
Kramer!
Ah, you still going on in front of Bania, eh?
No?
Oh, yeah.
Where did I get the coffee? Where do think I got the coffee, at the grocery store. (small laugh)
What was wrong with that sorry? It was a good sorry. Jerry, was that a good sorry?
Gimme half!
I don't wanna tell you how to run your show.
No, you're crushing my sandwich.
Two fifty? Are you sure
All right, I'll tell them my sister died. (Starts fake crying) My poor sister died. She was standing and then she was laughing and then they SHOT her! That's the kind of sick city that we're livin' in. They shoot you for laughing. I must go and comfort my poor family. Jerry, take me home so I can comfort my... my poor family.
But...somebody like Gail, though.
Into the hole?
I mean we can put a man on the moon but we're still basically very stupid. The guy who's car this is? He could be one of the guys that built the rocket. You see what I'm saying?
You're Batman.
How was the show?
You know, I think I could have played with dolls if their were dolls in the house. It seems like fun to me. It doesn't seem like a gender thing. I think I would like to play with dolls. What's so terrible?
Well, a lot of people keep popcorn in the house.
Me? Oh yeah.
No, impossible! It's your apartment.
Right, right.
Why should I care?
What? Why?
Excuse me...huh... I think I made a big mistake. I'd like my deposit back please.
(quieter desperation) They took my belt, Jerry. I got nothing to hold my pants up. (listens) Well, you gotta come over here now! Just tell 'em what we talked about, how I, how I, I didn't do the project.
Elaine, get off the speaker! (Elaine picks up phone)
(pointing outside) Why is there a Cadillac parked in front of the house?
Just put it on! All right now, remember she had her nails done today so remark how you like the color. And if you need me you beep me, all right. Here you go, hey, hey, hey, hey...(sprays Binaca into Jerry's mouth.) Go get'em you're a tiger!
I think I like the girl better than the voice.
(Entering Jerry's apartment with a cartload of computers) Jerry, I've found a way to beat Lloyd Braun! I buy the computers myself, I store 'em in your apartment. Then, after I win the contest, I bring 'em all back and get my money back. Ha ha! It's brilliant. What? What's wrong with your leg?
He might as well have! I caught him, and his face was covered in chocolate and cookie crumbs. 
I'm losin' it
So... here I am. Ready to take you to the Hamptons.
Wait a second. I think I see where that laser guy is. No! Don't look! Don't look. Oh, yeah, that's him. Ok. I'm gonna sneak up on him. Now the hunted becomes the hunter.
Yeah, right.
Shake his hand?
Maybe I won't send her that check.
All right, all right, two fifty.
She can't take it. It's not hers, it's theirs. Once there's no theirs there's no hers, it should be ours.
How could you be a doctor and not say 'get outta here'? It should be part of the training at medical school: 'Cancer? Get outta here!' 'Go home! What are you crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut. You know that?' (Jerry gives him half of his sandwich to hopefully shut him up) I told you that God would never let me be successful. I never should've written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead Jerry. Because of this. (showing his lip)
For a woman. 
oh.. 
You said the guy gave you an open-lipped kiss!
No one gives us the finger! We're Yankees!
I'll just, uh, get a paper...
Hello.. 
(urgent) No! Check! (quieter) Please.
Oh! 
Look I need you to do me a favor. I need you to get me lunch at Pisano's.
What are you talking about? (Jerry grins) You're not!
Oh, don't look. T-This is the part where they change me.
(after hesitating, resignedly) All right. (He sits down and smiles unconvincingly at her)
Well, I assume there's some sort of write-off.
It's 'ooh' As in 'ooh ooh ah ah.'
I walked.
Why didn't she tell us?
But really, it's enough with the bar already.
Mint?
(Quickly making it up) Well, possibly. I wrote an off-Broadway show, 'La Cocina.' ..Actually, it was off-off-Broadway. It was a comedy about a Mexican chef.
That's David Letterman. I just saw David Letterman walk by. I'll be right back. (He exits)
Didn't they notice it?
Well, well, well.
So you really understand my point about building a rocket and double-parking.
I won fifty bucks! Boy, this is great. Too bad Elaine's not here.
A ha! We're just friends.
You might want to try it...makes the movie more enjoyable, that's all.
Oh, the guy's got some perspective there.
You won the choose.
I'm sorry, I don't see the big deal about being a matador. The bull charges, you move the cape, what's so hard?
All right. I am happy, and I'll tell ya why -- because the two of you were making me and every one of your friends sick! Right, Elaine?
Hey, I'm sorry, you had your buffer zone for many years. It's my turn to live, baby.
You got hookers turning tricks in my car. How's that for starters.
You are ruinin' everything.
You bought that?
Jerry. I can't get fired.
A little notice would've helped! How many people?
(Leaving) I'll store these over at Kramer's apartment.
Oh, it was. But he claimed it was a 5th Avenue bar. 
Do you have your bathing suits?
It's a blue Honda...
Oh man.
What kind of a shake does he have?
You heard the man. I guess you gotta be moving your car.
I can't go out there, he knows we're friends.
S-Susan
(upset) I *told* you the Drake was bad! I hate the Drake!
No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?
Kramer was supposed to tie a knot 
No, I didn't hear anything. 
Well, that doesn't mean anything!
And I'm moving out of my parents' house, I'm taking that apartment on 86th street, remember the one we saw?
No, you can have it.
All right. (tearing his jacket off) Let me just say one thing: there is no way that this is gonna happen. You hear me? No Way! Because if you think I'm going' to two Thanksgivings, you're out of your mind!!!
Hey, Tim.
Well I spoke to Elaine... 
Boom! 
He called in sick.
Aw, hoh, oh Deena, thank God. (he hugs Deena) Thank God you're here. Listen, you gotta help me. You gotta tell these people that I'm okay. You know that I don't belong in here.
Yeah, but get this, the message said 'call me if you have the time'. Heh heh if I have the time, you get it?</font>
Hey, Van B. Boys.
You're throwing the set?
Hey! Surprise, surprise!
Uh, about two hundred dollars, Miss DeMooney.
Really? Coco?
I climbed out the window.
What?
Seriously, have they though about changing the setting?
I've got to tell you, I'm really disappointed in Lupe.
Pepe.
(Chuckling) yeah. Uh, oh, here's your sunglasses. (Hands them to her)
How could they not notice it?!?
Maybe we should call her.
Well if Houdini couldn't do it, what chance do I have?
Maybe it's not even stupidity. Maybe it's just a blatant disregard for basic human decency. Yeah this how dictator's start. Do you think Mussolini would circle the block six times looking for a spot?
Well, wha-what about the toe? What happened to the toe?
Oh, share.
Oh! Nuts! Excellent! You know what I love? How there's two nuts named after people. Hazel...and filbert.
Well, me neither.
(laughs) You'd have to be a real loser to try something like that.
Yeah. Yeah. With all that kissing and the shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy out in public like that. It's disgusting!
Elaine and her sponges...she's got like, a war chest full of them.
Allright, very good I'd like my car and my deposit back please
Hi. George.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. More of that, difficult. I'm a difficult seed.
Krama. Open up! I--I know you're in there!
I know, I know...don't skimp. Go go go go...
I told you.
I was seven and a half.
Oh, no, no. Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch. 
Speak now, or we are headed to the Hamptons. It's a two-hour drive. Once you get in that car, we are going all the way... to the Hamptons. All right, you wanna get nuts? Come on. Let's get nuts!
Jerry, you came for the big moment.
Sorry, you don't know what's going on out there! (looks at Owen) Who's he?
It's George
So, uh, you gonna see him again?
Tell the cop.
What are you doing here, I though you were going to the airport.
Hey hey.
No it's a regular religion. 
No, can't say as I did. 
I'm back in business, baby!
Watch the arm! Tim, listen, we don't want to bother you, we know you're busy here.
Maybe Manya missed the funeral because she was off visiting another galaxy that day.
I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a pleasure.
No...Why should that make any difference to you? 
Oh. 
Can you do it?
Yea... (sinks in) What? No, no!
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I used to come here all the time with my fianc&eacute;e, back when it was a meat-packing plant. Ha. Here's her picture. (hands her a magazine page)
She knows that I have her clock. I know that she has my hat. I think she's getting ready to make an exchange.</font>
Now, fellas, fellas.. easy. You wouldn't want to beat up on one of your own.
Listen Jerry. With all due respect, Bania's voice is the voice of a new generation. My generation.
OK Look, the gum isn't cutting it for me. We need to be about something else...anything..please.
Oh.
You know, if I could get this Coco woman down to Kruger, they wouldn't be able to call me Koko anymore because Kruger would never allow 2 Kokos.
Of course.
Defective?!
Really? Because people do meet in places besides a bar, huh?
Do you think she gets to take any of those little bars of soap home?
Ohh, hey there, young fella. (They shake hands) What's your major?
W-ca-What did they do?
You got mugged?
Well, Tony.. took a bit of a tumble 
I'll tell you, if I was running for office I would ask for the death penalty for double-parkers. If this is allowed to go on this is not a society. THIS IS ANARCHY!
Well, what about the open-lipped kiss?
You did all this...for a pinky toe?
Ha, ha ha uh, I'm not following that.
(gleeful, to Estelle) You did?! That's Goood! That's very good! I'm very glad to hear that.
Hey, let's turn off the lights, get some real 'movie atmosphere.'
Definitely.
No, no that can happen. I've, uh, I've read about that in medical journals. It's a freak thing, but...
'I have to go see Steinbrenner later. Mr Wilhelm told him that I was the one responsable for stealing all the merchandise.'
People who do that should be arrested.
Oh, no, no...condoms are for single men. The day that we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever.
Whadday'mean.?
Deena! Deena, wait a... Deena, help!
Huh?
It's not contest. The guy had nothing! The ship went down, he got into a life boat, I mean, come on.
Right.. the sign. (Hesitates, then makes a series of stupid gestures)
(sad) It's only four..
No. Rice and caramel. 
Ha ha. Everything's timed out to perfection, Jerry. Slippery Pete's got the Frogger running on battery power, the truck will be there any minute, and Kramer's taped out the loading zone.
What happened?
Who said that?
Wow! The weekend.
We hardly read anything!
No, no, he mimed it. That's what was so funny about it.
Yeah, I saw it.
So what, they don?t have another plane? She couldn't take a bus?
Jerry?
Madam? What are you calling me madam for?
I don't want to get out of it. 
Could be the leaves... 
Hey! (to Elaine, who doesn't look too cheerful)
Let me show you something, take a look at this... (Another guy at the party interrupts.)
Not necessarily.
And you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to keep seeing the bald woman.
Of course not. You don't care what I look like. 
You want me to come back? Uh... 
1:00 p.m. Do you need any money?
Ha! Heh.
I've looked at that, seems unlikely.</font>
What the hell is going on here?
Nevertheless. His time has come.
(Sees Gwen's meal) Hey, soup.
Your hair?
(Nervous) Wh-what are you talking about? That - that's rediculous.
Say good-bye to Koko.
The door? Why would I go out the door? The window's right here.
(attacking Kramer) How could you give me a defective condom?!
Yeah.
What about a rec room? Huh? Or a community center.
You would think that at the end of the week when they hand out the checks, throw in a few soaps.
Well, you should always consider podiatry. (Patting Ricky on the shoulder) There's nothing wrong with the feet. (Ricky looks critically back at George)
They *left* the Junior Mint *in* him?
No not really.
Yeah, you're right, you're right. (To Elaine) Alright, maybe he's not interested, but you still know him - can't you just ask him?
Well, she probably just assumed.
All right. So let me ask you a question. Who was the man in the cape?
No, it's not a problem, I can get rid of the apartment this afternoon.
Uh, Carol, can I talk to you for a second? Right now?
''Cause when he questioned me about it I was sweating from the Kom Pau..'
Ye - yeah. And we had a pact, you know.
Make-up sex? You have to have that right after the fight, we're way past that.
Well does it say anywhere in the contract about my car being used as a whorehouse? 'Cause I don't remember reading that clause either..
I'm a bad man!
They're making their decision today.
(Defensively loud) It was when I was banging!
I--I've been, walkin' around all night.. I've been thinkin' about Allison and me.. an' you--
Now if you will kindly help me unwedge my front wheel, I'll be on my way.
No. 
Yeah, yeah. You gotta come over tonight. We can play.
I have to talk to you about something .
Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frouned upon, you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you peope do that all the time.
Yeah you made it, how about that.
You think the person you were talking to is him? That's not even close to him. He's funny, Jerry's funny.
Why? Did she say something to you about why she broke up with me? 
he..he's alive 
(frustrated) Oh, look at this. There's no place to park around here. I don't even know why they sell cars in Manhattan.
Her scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair on it.
I suppose I could just pull this out ( his tucked shirt)and walk around like this and you wouldn't care? 
Rick. 
Jerry, I can't talk to Jerry anymore. Ever since he moved into that apartment he's too much ... like you.</font>
Love to! (Cracks his knuckles, then winces under the pain)
...stop pushing. (to Elaine) Kramer spilled ammonia.
Hi, I need some party invitations.
Ohh.. Paco! (Flicks rubber band tward the kitchen) Hey, take a look at this. (Hands Jerry Kruger's check)
George is in big trouble....
(Desperate to get rid of the book) Alright, I, I'll just take fifty. Do - do we have a deal?
Hi Amy, I'm George.
Yeah?
I'll tell you something, if I'd own a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up on the walls and in their home, like Lenin.
(Interrupting) May I?
I thought you said he was gonna get a muffin.
Beautiful.
I-I guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those things.
He sold me ladies' glasses!
No no. 
I know that's why I bought `em but they're not comfortable.
Why?
. . .uh, . . . wait a second. Are you suggesting that I went out of my way to tell Elaine that even though you handed her the big salad, that it came from me?
Your lawyer wears a cape...?
... so glad.
Oh, it's a great place, it's uh two-bedroom uh, west 83rd 'bout half block from the park.
Please, this is very, very important.
'George likes spicy chicken.'
You shook my hand in that coffee shop.
No, no...I hate the condom.
So I really liked the pictures I picked up here yesterday. 
(dread) Oh god.
Please. Give me another chance.
(using the phone) Watch how it's done. Oh, hello, Mr. Vandelay? Would you like to buy a computer? Oh, really? Two dozen?
I just talked to Mr. Kruger, he'll be down in a minute. He wanted me to take a photograph for the record.
Please. 
Where?
(TALKING IN PASSENGER WINDOW) I didn't mean anything by it. I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard! I didn't know you were...
Aahh..No..No..
Well you didn't have to say it like that.
We just came from Chadway's(?) What's going on.
What do you mean you didn't think I wasn't gonna use them?!
Those are my friends I was telling you about. We're gonna talk to them, pull over.
Uh huh.
We get to go to the opera together!
He can't not be funny.
Really?
Yeah, yeah. Big advisor.
Yeah, yeah, she's here.
Uh, Tim, the pencil...
(from other room) Uh, tippy toe! Tippy toe! Lemon tree!
Going to need a little more coffee here.
Hu humm? i suppose we could go to Lincoln Center and I'd be wearing sneakers and jeans and that would be fine too. 
Why?
Uh, Rick.. 
About a year ago. Wedding invitations.
(talking from bathroom) Witness?
I don't know.
I could take it in merchandise..
I'm going to a poetry reading with PATRICE: First time poets, in a burnt out building, down by the docks, Supposed to be good.
(CONT'D) ...with that group.
 Yeah, me either.
Fabulous, I'll think about that George, thank you!
Oh my God, I forgot!
I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: NOTHING.
Well you see he slipped, and he landed on a kinda of a.. 
Aha. Aha. Could it be because you don't want him to know that you have a friend who pees in the shower, is that it?!
. . . WELL IT WAS A BIG SALAD. AND WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, HOW DOES A PERSON WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BIG SALAD CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT SALAD AND ACCEPT THE THANK YOU UNDER FALSE PRETENSES - AH - AH?
Who wears a cape?
And why shouldn't you? Be fresh Stay fresh
I don't know, what we're doin' here, this is ridiculous.
'....I like spicy chicken'
Mmm-hmm. You reneged.
I can never get the package open in time.
And here's a roll that I think you may enjoy. 
(indicating the window) Kramer, it's, it's raining. They got the tarp on the field.
(grateful, relieved) Thank you! I'm gonna make you both so happy!
His personal file, I, I don't ask...
All I want is my seventy-five cents back, an apology, and for him to be fired! 
No Doctor--
I can't tell ya now , he's gonna be back in a ten seconds.
I was moving it across the street, I looked up and I saw Woody Allen and I got all distracted.
What about the whole Christmas spirit thing? Any flexability there?
Oh, right, right, the intervention. Should we leave?
Well, you know, It's interesting, you know, under that pressure, what you're capable of.
That?s-that?s-Harry Fong, he's a very good friend of mine and he's a big opera buff. Enjoy the show there harry!... You know what.
All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee? 
Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed, that's disturbed. You can't find sickness like that anywhere, you think sickness like that grows on trees? Nobody is sicker than me, nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine article.
Really?
Like that?
I wouldn't hear of it, Todd. It's none of my business. But you should try to find out everything you possibly can. In fact, I'll even stay all the way on the other side of the room just so there's no chance of me overhearing anything. 
So I lugged that table. That big heavy massage table all the way down to the cab! You ever seen one of those things? 
No, but I'm very uncomfortable.
I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.
I could.. 
What are you talking about.. I WANT MY CAR!!
Rick. 
(coming back to the table from the bathroom) Oh uh. You ready?
Wait a minute. (astonished) You're thinking of moving to Florida again?!
Attention Steinbrenner and front-office morons! Your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is George Costanza. I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh.
No complaints.
I think Play Now is putting something in my food.
I've been doing a lot of thinking. This might be my chance to start giving something back.
 What come on?  Have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office?
He forced me to!
Great! Great! I actually just had two meaningful intelligent conversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt.
(Smiling) Nothing.
You must be very proud Mr. Visaki. (shaking his hand) And may I say sir they're lovely girls, absolutely lovely girls. It's nice to see such fine upstanding women in gainful employment, Mr. Visaki.
yeah.. the ambulance got there very quickly 
Oh, I think it is! I think that's exactly what it is!
I don't know, it sounds like pigeons or something!
Can you believe he sold his glasses on the street?
Carol, that's so rude. Please, I'm serious, just for a moment, if you wouldn't mind. And then we'll talk to Jerry.
'No I didn't'
Ah-ha!
It's not that easy. It's like 'Beat The Clock,' there's a lot of pressure there.
It's my name. I made it up. You can't just steal it.
This is a crude mock-up of the conference room. 1/14th scale.
Shall we say an hour. 
Well, I, I got the pilot of the Jerry show.
(delighted!) Woooo!
I can't.
Keith called you?
What do I do?! What do I do?!
I learned a lot about myself.
You almost did the nose.
Yes! And I put him up to it, because I'm sick! I'm the one that needs help.
I could see that...
That's it?
Hey, grown-up. (they both chuckle, George notices Gwen enter the room) Oh my god, there she is. Go ahead, go ahead. (to the others) Let's go, let's go. All right what are they saying? 
No, I don't know. Maybe you haven't. You know, not everybody's seen a massage table. 
There she is. (waiving his arms quickly above the table - to nix the conversation) No no no no no no.
Uh, yeah. Do you know Babs?
 They don't need any water, so you don't have to keep taking them to the bathroom.
Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, 'Teach me to sing like you.'
Velvet... 
I love this place. You know, Carl and I come here all the time.
Umm, I'm not. It's just a sociological experiment!
Bear with you! This is a parking lot PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO GET
Drink up. (Levitan takes a drink)
Oh sure, sure. You wanna be alone, sure. I understand that, you wanna a little time to think uh thing..ponder things..you know..ruminant..(chuckles) you go ahead, lotta stuff on your mind..you think things out..Think, mull, mull, do a lot of mulling. (short laugh then exits Monk's)
Actually, (George flips the book back to the beginning) I'll take these nice glossy ones.
I'm serious.
They all have swirling chocolate in the commercial! 
I hear thee.
 You know the anxiety you feel on a date?  That's what I have every day now.  My worst nightmare's come true, every day is a date.
Woody mentioned me? What did he say?
You never had sex in the office before?
He he This guy really gets around.
Hey.
Yes you did!
Yeah, yeah, not fan talk, not gushing, you know? Actual conversation, I was incredibly articulate!
The show is about nothing.
It's George.
A table right here.
we rode along all the way to the hospital 
I was there! I saw a drain!
You're going back to New York now?
Me either. Is there anything you can do to shut them up?
No. Definitely not.
The table is interference, you know it!
Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me. I'm not a waffler. I don't waffle!
I like history. Civil War. Maybe I could be a professor, or something. 
Yesterday, took the day off. (Picks up a red Power Ranger action figure from the model and pretends it's him.) Now, from the time I left the room...
Well, anything I can do to help, um...she's a wonderful girl. Very smart. Very eh...crafty.
Hey, I'm getting in on that.
All right.........I've become attracted to Elaine..
I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror, I got discombobulated.
What? I'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread.
Where did you get those socks? 
Well, should I call you later?
Anyway, I don't even get a thank you. I don't get it! 
All right! Come on! Let's not fight.
Hello.
Babs left?
(to Jerry) Don't you find that strange?
Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie... if you believe it.
'George is getting upset..'
Dogs, twists, a kind of fermented chicken drink.
What do you know? You were in the nut house.
Yes she is. It's a pity we won't be seeing much more of her.
Yeah, hold on. I'm, uh, I'm just trying to get a reading on my dashboard compass. Where are my parents?
Jerry, what are you doing...
I think I could be a philanthropist. a kick ass philanthropist! I would have all this money, and people would love me. Then they would come to me.. and beg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they would owe me big time! (Thinking to himself) .. First thing I'm gonna need is a driver..
Hello.
The car!
Coming up.
 Ava was one of the reasons I used to like going to work, she was a friend.  Now we sleep together and suddenly, I don't know how to talk to her. Every time I go to the bathroom I pass her desk.  I have to plan little patter. I spend half my day writing.  Then afterwards, I sit in my office and analyze how it went.  If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom for the rest of the day.  I see her laughing and talking with other people, they're all so loose and relaxed, I think, 'that used to be me.  I want to go back there again.'
Should I apologize to Woody?
Alright so you made out with someone.
Jerry, let me tell you something, 'A man without hand is not a man.' I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves. I got to thank Kramer.
No, why, what's happening?
(To Jerry) No, it's about nothing.
Peggy! (they all sit) His daughter Peggy. Peggy's coming over to serve.
(ON PHONE) It's a '76 Chevy Impala. They stole it right in front of the hospital. I saw the guy drive off in it. Well he's about five feet tall, hairless, pink complexion.. (Elaine puts her finger on her nose) looks like a pig. Yeah, alright alright, thank you, thank you. (Kramer enters) So any word from the 'pig-man'?
It's all pipes! What's the difference?!
Uh huh. Uh huh! I think you spoke to your little friend Rachel, that's what I think.
Well, you could move in with my parents. (chuckles)
Good night, Stan.
 Oh.  Oh!
I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.
It is too!
Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza: Lord of the Idiots!
Yes, it was very, very good.
(shouting) What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on Soda.
It's a little unusual. So, uh, Susan and I were thinking, uh, dinner at our house Saturday night. Just the four of us.
Yeah.
Plans. Schemes. She ah, she keeps talking about getting back together with her old friends, you know - 'the gang,' as she likes to call them (chuckles), you know. Yeah, they're eh, they're hatching something, you can count on that.
You're going that way anyway!
Kramer, can we do this later..
Hi. (waves to Donald and laughs) hahahaha.
Oh, sure. (Holds the box out as Susan takes out a few letters)
I think those are my socks! 
But, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!!
(Modest) Oh, thank you very much. (Chuckles)
I wanna know what I did to this woman. 
What's it gonna be?
You, uh, wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?
Ah Ha.
Check, please.
Those birthdays. I told you. They're relationship killers. If a relationship is having any problems whatsoever, a birthday will always bring it out.
What clothes?
I heard they found a family in your freezer
Oh, you haven't heard, she's going to live with her grandparents in Redding Pennsylvania.
That wasn't a laser pen.
Kramer, Kramer's not here...I knew it. I knew it! I knew this would happen. (SCREAMING) Kramer! Kramer!
85!
(smitten) Audrey? My god, you look incredible! I can't believe it!
 I have no choice, I'm quitting.
Kissing is sex.
(to Kramer) This man is a genius. Genius!
Yeah, okay.
No no, I never said I was a good driver, I said I was a good parker.
Kramer, what are you doing here?
I thought he was just gonna have a muffin.
Elaine, this pilot...it doesn't matter to me, it's not me I'm concerned about...it's my mother. I've been over to the hospital to see her...
No. And he's not a pig-man is he?
Wheret? 
Then of course with evolution, the octopus lost the nostrils and took on the more familiar look that we know today.
I'll call a plumber right now! (Goes for the phone.)
And she didn't say something to you about a certain something?
Instinct.
(quietly) ehh. (pausing to look at both of them) So what made you change your mind?
 That's right.  It's just me and her.
The one who always sits by herself?
But suddenly, a new contender has emerged...
Oh, I sure hope so.
Ma, will you stop?... It's just a statue!... How is it my fault?!... It was stolen. I didn't even touch it this time... Okay, fine... I don't see why this should affect to potatoes!... Okay... Goodbye. (George hangs up.) She doesn't react to disappointment very well. Unlike me.
You don't care for Soda?!
(worried) Why not?
Alright, whatever! Now. Whatever caused the damage...(drops a tiny briefcase onto the table in the model)...was jarring enough to completely stop the tape.
All right, do you mind? I have the window! (To Willie) Now, what are you gonna do about my Twix? 
Well I know how to drive.
Oh, wow.
I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore! 
How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate!
Ah! Peggy. Good to see you.
Well, that interests me very much Mr. Farkus.Very much indeed, sir.
No, No! She's going out with a friend of mine. It's only courteous that we should try and like each other. 
Yeah. 
I'll eh, I'll just have a bowl of chili.
C-Communist? I am a Yankee, sir, first and foremost.
I was just wondering what it was you wanted for dessert.
Hi, Carol.
Oh, uh...
Mr. Morgan! Did you hear that? Mr. Morgan!
Jerry! Jerry! Je Jerry Jerry . The most unbelievable thing has just happened, it's too Unbelievable! I'm sitting in the coffee shop, i'm talking to Susan, were talking about shoe laces (does two guns to the head) so in walks..in walks David, right, he walks right to the table..righ I introduced him to Susan..and he says get this (laughs) he says 'boy you could do a lot better than this guy' huh right (more laughing by George, Jerry is totally just mellow and straight faced) The exact same thing that I said to him, just to get back at me just to get back at me..and then, and then she says she wants to be alone for awhile..Alone Jerry! I think that she thinks that she could do better (laughs) Do you appreciate this? Do you see the irony of this? Do you see what is going on here? What's the matter?
Are they here?
You know, Louise. I think you'll find this amusing. In early Euclidean geometry--
What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is it the touching? Is it the nudity?
Yes they did. I was covering. Elaine has been deported back to Scotland.
I think he's saying 'Son of Sam'! Oh, my God!
Oh, that's funny
How ya doing?
85, Jerry! 85 IQ !
I don't think so I know so, Kramer, come here I got to talk to you
What?!
Parker, I never said driver, I said parker, a great parker.
What, you don't want me to hold your keys?
You know, a muffin can be very filling.
What do you mean - 'Not letting you?'
You tellin' 'em about the butler story? Is that beautiful or what? Hey, sorry I'm late. (Looks at Rita) Russell?
It's George.
Never mind!
Yeah, but if you still look closely you can see ah, a little bump where the nose use to be. huhuhuhu.
*I* think that *you* think that a certain *something* is not all that it could be, when in fact it is is all that it *should* be, and *more*!
How 'ya feelin'?
 I guess she did.  He's gone, now I'm the man.
How did he do that?
(shouting) How d'you not like Soda?! It's bubbly, it's refreshing!
(standing) C'mon, what're you talking about?
Okay. That's what we know.
Alright, alright! (Goes out onto the sidewalk. The Seinfelds walk by) Seinfelds!
No! There's no coconut! 
Really? ..You think.
Jerry.
Five-thousand? Why would anybody buy Kramer for $5000? (laughs)
Is it with a 'y'?
Well, we.. we, we, ah..
Yeah, well, they're my socks! 
You mean a blessing in disguise?
Thank you very much. (Peggy leaves the menus and walks away) So guess what I got do tomorrow?
No, but um I have very good report with women, very good, comfortable. And from the first time I laid eyes on a brassieres, I was enthralled.
Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked! 
Yes faddah. 
What's it gonna be? ... You hear that?
Sir?
There's just no justice. This experience has changed me. It's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded.
Is that what's hurting your appreciation for the story?
Well, I'm the good boy again. Can you believe that?
(suspicious) They haven't said anything to you, have they?
I used to share that same outlook. But now, I have so many things to occupy my mind. For instance, the atom.
You know what this means? I can't see her anymore either.
Whatcha got there, the 4-volt? Heh, I did you a favor.
I told you.
All right, no more lies. Elaine is been chosen to represent the Upper West Side in the next Biosphere project.
(running out and away from the van) I knew it wasn't Berkowitz!
This isn't going well.
He mentioned my name?! What did he say?!
No no no, that's in the right position.
Alright, alright, fine. (Gives the keys to Elaine.)
Tsst...'Course I have. Come on. My cousin's in a bubble. My friend Jeffrey's uh, sister, also ... bubble ... you know.  I got a lot of bubble experience. Come on.
Oh, Rita. Hey, Mr. Shermack, how're you doing, good to see you. Jay, always a pleasure. (To Susan) Sweetie. (Kisses her and then sits down next to Jerry) Yeah, yeah, that butler idea, that's beautiful. Isn't that killer? (Aside to Jerry) I thought I was getting the butler.
Ah, Oh boy.
But enough about fish, huhuhu. I can discuss other things you know, ah... architecture. Huhu. (makes a wide gesture with his arms)
Look, you don't understand. There was shrinkage.
Let me ask you something. Could you tell if teeth marks on someone's arm matched teeth marks on a pencil?
 No, it's not.
Really? And Debby told me that she fell in love with him because he has all this perspective!
What d'you mean?
You wanted to see me, Mr.Steinbrenner?
You're soured?
Well, yeah.
Shhh! Listen, you gotta do me a favor. Give me your wallet. I'll give it back to you later.
Dr. Sitarides don't go! Oh, thanks Jerry!
Me neither.
I put my pants on, Sid.
No.
So is it all over between you and... Marsha Mason?
We really should be, uh, heading out..
Oh boy.. 
Start looking for a job.
(Quick, excited talking) Hey, hey! You can't believe this. Look at this check! (Hands it to Jerry) They told me I had the most beautiful hands they'd ever seen in their lives - except for this McKigney guy - this great looking girl gave me her phone number.. I got it! I got it all! I'm busting. Jerry, I'm busting!
Well, I was 14 years old. I was in my friends bathroom. His mother's brassieres were hanging on the shower rod and I picked it up, studied it. I thought, I like this. I didn't know what way or what level, but I knew: I wanted to be around brassieres.
What? 
I dunno they said maybe.
Did you feel that tension? We use to have banter - (puts menu back with frustration) - there's no more banter.
Yes, sir. Yes sir, do my best.
(casually) Sure, why not.
Because it's really a pretty good little story. Don't you think?
Anna actually has respect for me now. (laughs/snorts) It's all over.
(to himself, resentful) What kind of a snobby, stuck-up, cult is this?!
What a fascinating turn of events. (Waitress approaches)
Excuse me, uh, what are you doing in there?
It's break up by association. Besides, she's mad at me anyway because of my birthday present.
Sir, I'm sure it's not a police matter.
Oh yeah?
That's because it's underwater.
like that (looking at Jerry)
You don't need the cufflinks! You have the same name! (no reaction) 'Jerry'! (heads for door, grabbing his coat)
Purple 23.
What? Why couldn't you think of something?!
No you weren't. Stop there, that's fine.
Elaine.
Oh uuh, sure, why not. (the blind man hangs on to George's arm) Hey, that's the guy.
Roll up your sleeve.
 Oh my god.
(opening door to leave) He picked her up?
When did you leave the message?
It just came to me.
Oh no, Mr.Steinbrenner, I can explain...
Don't be soured.
Married , What!(astounded)
I don't know if you're ready for it.
Eh, they're trying to pick out a new couch - you don't want to know. (Remembering the watching Van Buren Boys) Give me your wallet, or I'll spill your guts right here on the street!
Aah, yeah, yeah. Won't you head on in, we'll be in in a second. Be right with you.
Me too.
Well I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants.
Over here.
Tell you what, I'll make a deal with you. I'll sell it to you right now for ten bucks.
Yeah, but nothing happens on the show. You see, it's just like life. You know, you eat, you go shopping, you read.. You eat, you read, You go shopping.
She works for NBC.
You know, the time..
No, he said there was nothing he could do, and next time I should probably break the Prozacs in half.
..Oh boy. 
Well, you see, what happened was...the doctor - the very same doctor that was attending to my late aunt - suffered an untimely stroke, and lost the use of his right hand, so...obviously I was unable to get the death certificate. However, I do have this. (Reaches inside his coat and takes out a Polaroid photo.)
Are you crazy? You take your life in your hands with those nuts.
Alright. (Holds them up)
Well, they're more than an underwear to me Mr. Farkus. Two cups in the front, two loops in the back. How do they do it?
What? 
I said faddah, I meant Father. Just a little bit nervous. 
Well, here we are.
We're really glad for you.
Jerry took the couch back.
(whistling)
Yea
Si, por favor.
What? Elaine's big-head guy? They have you the apartment?!
91 dollars.
Hey, frolf?
Is it?
..That.
(opening door) It's a big night. I'm, uh, ice skating with one, and going to a staged reading of 'Godspell' with the other.
Sometimes it's good to have a pencil to write these things down.
So now you're doing my bits?
(interrupting) Elaine. Shut up.
You lie! How hard is it to lie?!
Do you?
(to Jerry) Hey.
That's a picture of me next to the coffin.
It's that bleak? (pours a glass of milk)
The guy that stole my glasses. This time I got 'em! (George follows the man onto the street, dragging the blind man with him) Would you pick it up a little?
I heard the last guy got fired because his nose whislted. 
So she's just sitting there, she's having a pleasant conversation... and all of a sudden.
 I had the perfect situation here, he was shouldering half the load.
Wow. (he runs his fingers through his hair, and then brushes the resulting fallout off his jacket)
(pointedly) Oh, I'm sorry, I require twenty-four hours notice for a cancellation. Now, as I see it, you owe me seventy-five dollars.
You mean in the end?
One, two ... three, four.
(animated) What're you kidding me? We were all getting along so well. Where is all this coming from?
I believe that I am about to become the target of a systematic process of intimidation and manipulation, the likes of which you have never -
Come on, hurry up, old man! I'm an animal!
Kramer, this is perfect. I need you to go in there, pretend you're a doctor and check this guy for moles.
Tragic.
Oh, hello Professor.
 How much is that?
Maybe I could call my father.
Behind the dugout, that's where we were sitting the other day.
Whose are these?
What are you, crazy? You were fine.
Svenjolly. (licking a little bit of peanut butter from his finger)
Do you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting. 
Look who's here!
Not even close, huh?
(to Jerry) Have you seen the waitresses in there lately? I never had so much coffee in my life.
(Turning back to Jerry, he takes the check back. He just now notices the shirt Jerry's wearing, and snickers, pointing) Nice shirt.. (Laughs, Jerry shrugs) What is this? Is this what you wore on the show?
Thank you Mr.Farkus, thank you very much indeed sir.
Yes a cruise, a long cruise, just the two of you.
Maybe I could just use the bathroom.
Oh, I pleaded with him.
Hello?
Ha Ho! (he turns and walks out the door)
You saw him. He was fiddling with the engine. God knows what he did there.
Wha - what happened? What are you doing back so soon?
(talking to nobody) I like horses. Maybe I could be a stable boy. 
Did you say dangerous?
Why?! Because you were stabbed, and.. got coffee thrown in your face, and.. uh.. (Points to Alan's bandaged forehead)
So what're you gonna do?
(interested) Really?
Yeah, sure.
Jerry! I did it! Haha! I beat Braun!
Well, it's all for charity, so what's the difference.
Yes..
(shaking his head, weary) It doesn't matter. (he leaves)
Seven forty-five.
Hey, Mr Seinfeld. (shakes Morty's hand) Hey, Mrs Seinfeld. How are you?
Y'know if the guy dies, the art could really be worth something...
He's getting on a bus, damn! (To the blind man:) Those are nice glasses.
Hi Elaine
No problem there. Conformity is an obsession with me. 
It.
Yeah, it's the last one.
(walking towards the door)  I couldn't leave well enough alone?!
Will that be cash, or cheque?
A counter-clockwise swirl.
Siena, I love you.
(animated) What're you talking about?! She's very concerned! She said she was gonna get it back.
Good for you (sympathetic)
I'm a bootlegger.
(Pleading) Please, please, they're gonna hit me! (Attempts to grab Helen's purse, she starts hitting George defensively, he backs off)
And get a picture of him, with his shirt off.
Would you mind helping me out with some of this stuff?!?
No?
Please...
 Nine sixty?  Give it to me.
No, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do? ... Where are you going?
I am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien! I'm not O'Brien! Ask anyone! Jerry?! Jerry?!!
It's not my fault! I wasn't going to do anything until you got her all juiced up with your story about having the affair with the matador!
Conveyor belt.
Oh, no. No stories.
I bet they're probably doing summersaults about us over there. You think they get butler stories like that everyday? (He calls Susan)
Me too. I've been yelling at strangers on the street. 
Apply for a job? What for?
What, have you completely lost your mind?
If you don't mind, sir. I'll be here at 8.
Alright that's it. (George walks across the room over to them.) So you get rid of me and now the two of you are going to sleep together? 
I-I wasn't in the attic.
That's right. I got his whole car downstairs.
Well, I took the liberty of packing your things. (gleeful) Mom's coming to get you.
They are?
Yeah, he'll have my parents.
No, not Lloyd Braun. But the cashier.
What about Six?
Ovaltine. Have you ever had this stuff? Why is it called Ovaltine?
That's why they gave you the apartment?
(pointing out the positive) But happy.
(through a mouthful) Long as they don't throw 'em on the field. (laughs) Huhu. (indicating dish) Help yourself to some shrimp, I brought enough for everybody.
So, maybe this should be it.
(smug) Ah, I guess I showed Neil who's Neil.
(talking on the phone) Jerry you gotta bring me some clothes down here. I lost my job with the Yankees. I'm standing in the men's room on 43rd street in my underpants.
Come on, wanna give me a hand with the computers?
Well, I'm also an architect. Is that pastrami?
Nooo...
What are you guys doing?
Right.
NO!!
What'd I do?
Ah, well, you know we gotta been running because of the ...
Pasta primavera! Back on the horse.
Is that right?
Mr. Tuttle, you're back. 
I just wanted to talk to Tony for a minute (hands Elaine some stuff) 
Out. (Jerry shakes his head in agreement) Wow. I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off. (Jerry nods; George looks at his watch) Alright, Hey come on, get out of here, Dophne gonna be here any minute.
 I gotta go help her tape up all his boxes and get them ready for shipping.
What?
Yeah. Just confirming.
Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good.
(worked up) Because if she gets it back, then you'll have no reason to be sour. You'll de-sour, right?
(talking to nobody) Nah. It's probably a union thing. 
What happened? Where have you been?
Hehehe. .(feebly)
I'm not through here, Jerry. (Picks up the model of the conference room.) I'm gonna keep on investigating. This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks. (Pam enters, George leaves.)
I'm bootleggin' a movie, baby!
They should call it round tine. You know what I'm talking about.
Alright, lets get in there. Quick, quick, quick...
No! I don't! Don't you even care? This is your company! It's your name on the outside of the building! Speaking of which, the 'R' fell off and all it says now is K-uger!
I can't sell the book. It's been marked.
Unsettling?
You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
 Don't worry, I got it.
You can't break up with me. I've got hand.
Oh don't-
Sid, it's completely his fault.
I can't believe, you're blaming Lupe?
(Showing an example) What'd you do today?
You know what you should do? You should tell this guy you're seeing  somebody else. That's the easiest way to get out of these things.
(Shocked) You caved?! 
It's a coincidence.
Who's dressing you? (Laughs) You look like a complete idiot! You know, I wouldn't wipe my- (Unable to take anymore, Leslie gets up and shoves George violently. His hands go straight for the hot iron sitting on the dressing room table. George screams out in agony) AAHHHH!!!!! (his voice is heard outside the building, on the street, and in the park were a bunch of pigeons are scared by the yelling)
Dwayne, my friend and I would like to exchange frames. Could you put his lenses in my frames and mine in his?
So long, Mr. Farkus.
Maybe it was a mouse.
Yes! Yes, I'm the one! Hey! So, you know Jon Voight!
What happened to Babs. She never showed up last night. The whole thing blew up in my face.
Uh, yeah, I'll be there in a minute.
You remember the woman on the horse? She wanted my spot.
What the hell happened?
Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen!
Wait a minute, that is my apartment. I earned it with 34 years of misery!
Yep. Classic horseshoe pattern. I've seen a lot of this.
Obviously.
Well, you never know. (picks up more shrimp) Let's see how many I can fit in my mouth.
Where's uh, where's Allison..
She seems like an it.
(little worried) Coffee? (thinks) I can beat that. Move in with me.
(agitated) He's lying, sir! I'm tired of all your macho head games!
Why couldn't you squeeze one of those stupid rubber balls to get your stress out? Why did you have to destroy *twenty-five* computers?
Very.
Hey.
Exactly..
You idiots. You're gonna wear down the battery.
Eight o'clock.
I can't say.
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.
A-hu no, uh, it's just that ...
Well, we really should be-
Hi, it's me. It's Georgie Boy. What's going on?
Didn't hear anything...
I heard your whole conversation. 
You are? 
me? 'step off' 
Oh... (George looks around and sees the chef hiding behind a plant: it's Bob!) 
You know what I've come to realize? I'm not just bored. I genuinely dislike her.
Alright, let's go.
Joe...could you...
Sure you can.
 Thanks.
We're aware of the proximity to the park, yes.
Nothing. I don't know...just a little dirt.
Hey, it's George.  
(aggravated) Oh, that's not good enough! You don't try and de-sour. You have to sweeten too!
What the hell happened to your shirt?
I can do hard time for this one. And community service!
She, uh, went shopping for some shoes for the wedding and, yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months. (Kramer and Julie enter)
You want to hear more? The master bedroom opens into the solarium.
Huh-ho! Oh! You are too much, Mr. Kruger! Too much!
So, I'm gonna steal another one, and then return it. That way, everything is even.
 I got it.
She told this couple she had an affair with a matador.
There's a show. That's a show.
No, you just tell him ah, an old boyfriend has come back into your life.
We got a deal.
You're out? 
She didn't help him?
Ow! Hot! Hot!
And I'd like a discount.
Oh, nothing...
What?
Jon Voight, the actor?
Hey, what happened with Sandy. I forgot all about it. Did you call her?
Uh, nothing. I got to go.
No, she wasn't on the horse.
Beef-A-Reeno? You fed the horse Beef-A-Reeno?!
No, no, Kurt - wrong attitude. You should be happy now.
No, no. No, no, no. (determined) We're staying on me. We haven't solved anything yet.
But you took me back.
We'd have to kill him.
(smiles) Beats the hell out of coffee.
You see if I stay the whole year, I get it all.
Vivian!!
We...must never ever speak of this again..
Quick. Get this thing back in the pizzeria
Because I promised her.
Hide, hide under the desk.
Uh, heading out. Jerry really hates to miss the coming attractions.
Fired? Why?
Oh. Really. 
but..why, it wasn't my fault, I .. you asked me a sandwich, I .. I make such delicious sandwiches Elaine 
Hey I'll get married if I have to. Al Netchie will think twice before he opens his mouth about me again.
I'm not gonna be nice. That's how I got the job.
What was that all about?
You know, I'm sorry, I...I hate to be one of those people, but we're right in the middle of this thing...I can't hear.
Nice meeting you.
(light) No. No, no, no. The cushion was turned over.
What?
I wanna get it back when we were the Gatsbys.
Your clothes smell just like Pisano's. There's another Italian place on Jerome. Maybe I can fool him.
(Takes it and throws it out window) Get outta my way!
(standing) Oh yeah, Reilly? (smugly) Well, the jerk store called. They're running outta you
Hi Connie, Jerry around?
He frolfs, he scores...(he drops one invitation on the stairs.)
Oh, please don't tell me you love me again, Jerry, I can't handle it.
Well, I'm here. What is it?
It gets here when it gets here. Would you stop ridin' me?
Yes, two solariums. Quite a find. And I have horses, too?
Oh no, you're not going out on a high note with me Mr. Kruger!
I'm goin' in!
Me neither. I've never been happy.
Ooh ho hoo, forget it.
 I'm not stealing it.  They owe me ten dollars.  They stole from me.
...sweetheart, no come here, ... sweetheart
Don't do it!
I figured you'd cruise. At least through the Spring. 
Where is he?
Oh...uh, because if it had anything at all to do with what you perceived as me leering at your daughter, I really have to take issue with that. I did not leer. (To Jerry) Did I leer?
(Reflecting on his life gone wrong) This McKigney guy had a few good years.. (To Kramer, bitter) How could you forget to turn off an iron?
Listen, you're lucking I'm not asking for a whole refund. (trying to speak quietly) You gave me ladies' frames!
(looks back to the group) I can read lips. You said let's sleep together. 
You haven't even seen one.
So what happened? She throw you out? Eh?
It's a very complicated move! I couldn't remember it all.
You know, it was really wrong of you to back out on that deal.
That's right.
You've still got pretty good coverage. Once the enemy advances beyond this perimeter - (points at Kurt's head with a pen) - then you won't be Kurt anymore.
What d'you mean, let 'em go? They're spending all my money.
Where are you goin'..
I'd go to prison as your accomplice. I'd have to wear that really heavy denim. Go to the cafeteria line with the guy who slops those mashed potatoes onto your plate. Go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people.
Mr Wilhelm, what was that?!
Hello.
Well played.
Actually I think I'm gonna take a few days off (starts to leave)
I need an outlet!
She doesn't.
I can't do these puzzles.
No, no, no. Nothing happens.
Took a shot.
yeah, time is what he's indicating there..
Parking in a handicap spot. Right in the middle of his United Volunteers meeting. When he got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat.
Ah, here it is.
here Elaine here, Superman (hands a comic book to Elaine, who passes it to Tony) please, next time it will only be the two of us 
No. But I was the only one at the table that didn't get violently ill. 
I'm very disappointed to here you talk like that. You still don't know what makes me tick.
Oh. (Goes back into the bathroom.)
Ah! There's mom, there's mom.
(points) And him!
(muttering)
Dead?  
(neither does he) Yeah, well.
Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.
There was something so reassuring about that cozy little space.
All right... here goes...
(ready to leave) Well, thank you.
Excuse me?
Snoopy and Prickly Pete. Should I keep driving?
No! No!
Well, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely! My kids are gonna go crazy. I, uh, I wonder if I could see the bathrooms. Preferably one with some paint thinner and, uh, some rags?
In college, maybe. Those were fun times.
You could do worse!
 I have to do this, it's a matter of honor.
how did I know you were here? Something drew me here. This is phenomenal.
Yes! I'm not giving him the satisfaction, it's my space.
Uh, please, Morty.
But I had no... I didn't realize.
She comes out of the bathroom, I'm in up to my wrist. You should have seen the look on her face.
Oh boy.
Hey Elaine? Put me down for some of that art. 1,900 dollars worth.
My whole life is ruined because of the (Mocking, bitter tone) 'puffy shirt'.
We are really late now. We're in big trouble. Big trouble.
I just want the both of you to know how much you mean to me, and I love you both very, very much.
This is very hard to follow with all the talking.
So what happened?
You know, it's not the S.A.T.s!
Yeah, Well that's a deal where I come from.
(bored to death) Well, I-I just recently uh...
(upset) Could you put a little thought into this? Jerry's gone, you could humour me. He humours me.
(afraid not) No no, no no no. You're not goin' in there.
You better call her.
I gotta stay one step ahead of Neil.
Kramer, I really owe you one.
Holes! I need holes!
Because she asked me to.
Ah ah Pez dispenser.
Uh, anyway, (Waving bye to everyone) onward and upward.
Ohhhhh.. John-John. 
Between the car getting totalled, the towing charge and the fine, there's no way I can ever pay him back...
Yeah, well, she's trying to track you down.
Sweep? 
Well you missed a lovely little party that we had for Grace. 
oh Tony don't 
What are you doing?
I guess I've been hanging on to them for so long cuz i couldn't accept the fact that Dad was really gone forever (hugs a piece of clothing)
You know, if it was a regular salad I wouldn't have said anything. But you had to have the BIG SALAD.
Whew! Anybody see that poster in there? That is weird, wild stuff, huh? Whew!
Okay, all right, all right.
Oh, of course. (motioning Estelle to enter) Of course.
Hey oh.
Yeah, yeah, the flower guy. Listen, I know this all sounds a little crazy, but...
My car's a little crumpled?!?
But it--eh.. It was here, I'm tellin' you, an' w--w--it was really here! The, there was, a, bar, and a, an' a dance floor..
14 months. Maybe 10.
Mister Fowler, I-I have a squirrel here that is a miracle of modern science! (laughs)
Oh, I can't believe you're dropping out, too. So now Kramer and I have to pay for the entire gift?
(chuckling to himself) Housewarming gift. (swerving the car to go to the antique stand) All right, we're taking it up a notch!
Yeah.
All right, I'll ask her.
 Just walk.
Of course it's cashmere.
Oh, that's great. That's great. By the way I have to apologize for my friend the other day. Friend? Uh, uh I don't even know that woman. I met her on the bus on the way over. I couldn't get rid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts were a little off ..
No no, this is a matter of principle. That would just be saying that anybody could just pull into any parking space any way they want. Well I'm making a stand here. I'm saying *no* to head first parking. I'm not putting up with that. We put up with too much crap in this city, we're not putting up with head first parking.
Because it's on TV.
I'm just happy to be working with your talented son...
Alright, here we go.
I just feel terrible This is just terrible.
Well, last night she told me that she liked you. Not you, the disturbed you, so I had to tell her the truth.
Because, if I'm looking straight ahead, and something enters my field of vision, that's merely a happenstance. (Elaine loudly snaps and unfolds her napkin at the next table to get Russell's attention.)
You know -- Elaine.
Well, I'm just expressing my gratitude to our gracious host.
Any more grape juice? (Gets up and goes to the kitchen. Remy moves to the end of the couch where George was sitting.)
Into what?
Who?
I can't believe it. Look, that's Jerry Seinfeld.
Hey.
You know what I do at the Yankees, when one of these old guys is breathing down my neck?
(impatient) For her. Not for you.
(animated) Then I'm going to Mars!
Yeah, the super glossy. The best they had.
What?
All right. Kramer, you block off traffic. You to go sweet-talk the pharmacist.
Art.
All right You really want to know?...It all started when she told met hat...she was the voice on your tape recorder.
Well they're hard to load.
I agreed to become his butler.
No, that's Jerry.
Well bear in mind that I am in the smaller office. 
I I just.. but.. 
What happened to your itch? 
They will get a good home won't they?
I got to go.
Alright, thanks a lot.
Allright, I gotta head back right away, I'll-I'll -- I gotta figure something out here.
(Places the doll presumingly where it belongs on a shelf) Ya?
Yes. Live, dammit. Live! Every precious moment as if this was the last year of your life. Because in many ways...it is. (There's a knock at the door.) Excuse me.
Uh, excuse me, uh, um, Jason. I don't want to get into a big thing here, but... I'm not sure if, technically, what you just said was actually an apology.
He's the guy we're the buying the chair for, remember? It was your suggestion.
I don't know where the nurse is. Sweetheart why don't you get a nurse for mommy? ... Anyway I was just curious. Remember the other day you were saying something about my trip.
So you're against me now?
Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you something else, this is the show and we're not going to change it. (To Jerry) Right?
...Who's not doing this for the money.
Come on now.
Your buttocks are spectacular.
What do you mean, I got? You didn't give him his Visa application.
All right, where do you want it?
Cut it. 
. . . I'm a little scared of her.
Oh, they're busting!
Robin? Robin!
That's unbelievable.
Bob Cobb?
Jerry Seinfeld. My best friend. He can explain all of this. (calls to Jerry) Jerry.
I got lost on the way over.
Celia? W-w-what are you doing here?
You schedule a late meeting.
All right, look--wait--wait--Krama--wait, wait a minute, you are not. You are not goin' in. Ah-ahhh!
(tormented) Aw, shut up Jerry! Just shut up!
All right, All right, keep your towel on.
You have to drink that whole thing?
So, tell him you're concerned about it and he should see someone else.
Slippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up!
Yeah! She made me promise not to tell you .It's supposed to be a joke.
 What?
Poor kid.
(Hangs up phone and pauses) this is great! He fired her! This is incredible, he fired her. I'm out, baby! I'm out!
Yeah, 5A!
You are aware that Pensky is interested in me. 
yes? 
Oh I beg to differ. My father took great pride in his appearance, he was a very handsome man, a casanova really.
I'll take care of this, Danny.
Oh, deserve! I don't know if I deserve...I mean...
Oh, yes. Hello.
Jerry! Over here Jerry. It's me!
Jerry! Up here!
I can't, Steinbrenner might still be there!
Ya, sure sure.
It's a joke.
Uh.
FDR?
Oh, so now I have to buy this whole chair by myself?
Yeah, why? Why?
You have no idea how refreshing that is.
All right Bubble Boy. Let's just play... Who invaded Spain in the 8th century?
Here we go.
Cut it. 
Yes!
Robin, listen to me. The most amazing thing has happened. Kramer has opened my eyes. I think I've changed.
Excuse me.
Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?
I'll try some on and see how they look. It's just hair.
Oh I missed the Maestro?
I don't have my ATM card.
Jerry, where y'going? It's... what're...
There are some people in this room who would have been very happy to never see this briefcase again. There are people in this room who think they can destroy other people's property and get away with it. Well, let me tell you something about those people. They weren't counting on this brain! And this tape recorder.
What are these? (Holds test tubes to his head like antennae) Take me to your leader.
And-and you just decided to pop in...!
These old guys, they're up at 4 a.m., by two thirty they're wiped. (animated) How did we get back onto you?!
What, to see the old guy?
So, that's it. All of my darkest fears, and... everything I'm capable of. That's me.
Because, you're not a dermatologist.
No! Jerry!
I've just met her but I'm very impressed.
Well let me hear....( they struggle for the headphones)
 Oh, I was gonna pay for this.
What did you do?
. . . I thought the woman was kind of cute.
Because I kissed her in the meeting. Russell found out, he fired her over the phone. Finally, my stupidity pays off!
And then, (Smacks the money) there were two. 
All right I gotta get going.
(chuckles) Really? Well, we'll just see about that. Ta-ta, Tut-tle. 
Could you make it two-twenty-five that was his hi-game in bowling.
That's a shame. (Karen is shown singing off-key on the television.)
So, we watching the movie, or are we still talking? (Joe's wife shakes her head and goes into the other room. George gestures to Remy to move.) Okay, c'mon. Let's go.
Well, I guess I'm getting older.
No, thanks.
I can't come out. They're standing right by the door. Throw it up!
OOuuoo!  They could use the break!
I just wanted a second opinion.
Would a giant rubber ball work?
Ahhhh, Ahh, Ah, Ahhh, Ahh, Ah!
(Guessing the look) Stink eye?
Well, it's just, all you said was 'your welcome', which is nice. It's very nice. But... I feel I gotta get the apology.
I already bought it! I've been lyin' to you for three days, and now you're all screwin' me!
Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this.
Because? Because?
(big smile) Eight thousand dollars.
Oh, Noooo, I'm so sorry. It's the MOOPS. The correct answer is, The MOOPS.
You got it.
Cut it. (goes back to the group) (Yelling) Would you stop signing? 
Did you ever see her lose her temper. I was once late cause I bought a Panama hat -- she grabbed it by the brim, pulled it down so hard my head came right through the top of it.
O.k....(is about to explain. Cut to Jerry on-stage.)
I believe you cut me off, and then made an obscene gesture.
You wanted to see me, El Presidente?
You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin to do it?
Well, some of 'em look good. The ones that look good you don't even know about.
Huh. Your renting a house in Tuscany?
I'm trying, dammit.
Yeah, yeah, but he doesn't wear glasses.
(to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow Mantle that I would name my baby Seven.
You'll have your turn! The truth must be heard. (Plays back the tape.) That's all there was. And yet, it speaks volumes. A low rumple. A metallic 'squink.' A 'glonk.' Someone crying out...'Dear God!' Let's start with, uh...with you, Wyck.
(excited) Great news! I showed the pilot to Kramer's Japanese friends. They loved it!
No, the Portuguese waitress.
(shouted after Elaine) You know, I got nothing outta this!
'My wife's in a coma.' Yeah? Well, the life support machine called and...
How old's the son?
Where you going? I-I thought I could count on you for a little compassion.
Yeah, Jimmy why don't you wait outside, you know, play with something.
Whoa, whoa, a section?!
You heard it fifty times already.
(nervous)  Where are you taking me?  I was gonna pay for it.
Wow
She missed her period? Oh my god. I can't believe it! I'm a father! I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it!
Yeah, I thought I might give her a call. I, I don't meet that many women. I meet like three women a year. I mean, we've been introduced. She knows my name.
The woman we bought the wheelchair for?
I got a date with Karen. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Nothing happening down there.
Obviously. 
Thank you.
Hey, hey! Yankee game! (Changes the channel.)
C'mon, you took my seat.
Yeah.
Yes. Well -- So, uh, sit on the same side at a booth, huh?
Kramer, I can't believe it. Oh, you're my hero!
Yeah. Yeah. It's the only way. Come on. What are you, kidding me?
(shouts) Wait! Yes! That's what I should've said! (frustration) D'ohh!
Well, Play Now has all kinds of different rubber balls. Why don't we test your bladder system at my office?
Ouch!
Well, there could be.
I needed it! My back is... a little tweaked.
Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life.
(quietly) That's uh, for the two of us.
I'm sorry the card says MOOPS.
Ok, so, what'dya got?
What?
She said 'sweep together' you idiots, not 'sleep together.' 
Why didn't you just wear a heavier coat?
...you'll see, things will be different now - if you just give me one more chance.
Greetings, people. Greetings. Greetings and salutations. What a beautiful day for a ball game. Let's play two! (Sits down, says to waitress :) Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what I get, darlin'. (Turns to the Gang) So, let's see, I had a little conversation today with Mr Don Mattingly - (to Elaine) he's the first base man.
Outside of Manhattan, about an hour ago.
Si, si.
Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident.
The way they make 'em these days, I'll never have to tell her.
Do you? That makes me so happy. Elaine's proud of me Jerry.
(knocks) You hem... wanted to see me Mr. Steinbrenner?'
So what do you care?
What?! Why?
I tried to tear it from the side, you can't get a good grip here. You gotta do it like a bag of chips.
I know. Don't you see. (emphatic) He was doing it to fool Lloyd Braun!
(to Carrie) It's just that, I know her, and boy...
Alright, then. We've gotten to the bottom of that.
(excited) Did I tell you that story's relatable?! That was a great show! That is why I'm bringing it back to NBC.
I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.
(cocky laughter) Huh haha! (shouts) You're meat, Reilly! You just screwed yourself! (laughter) Ha ha!
What is with this family?
No, you're not taking a deli slicer to my boss...
I would like an apology.
What's a three letter word for candy?
Why? Maybe she liked me. I, I mean she was looking right at me. You know, I think she was impressed. You know, we had good eye contact the whole meeting.
I knew this was gonna happen some day. It was inevitable. I've known it ever since I was a little kid. I've been waiting for it.
Uh, I'm just selling some of Dad's things, (looking into Kramer's eyes) that's what he would have wanted.
I was sitting there, c'mon.
Yeah.
Yeah. Thanks. Hey, listen, if you ever get a date, maybe the four of us could go out together sometime.
I, uh, just think it's a little unusual. Two people to sit on one side...and leave the other side empty.
(pleased) Yeah, it is.
Oh, yes I am. Mr. Thomassoulo likes to play dirty. Well, there's nothing dirtier than a giant ball of oil.
I'm baby-sitting! Vivian asked me to raise him if she doesn't make it.
Well, at least we know the prosthetic squirrel hips work ... sorry 'bout the set.
Oh, it's a bad day. Uh, you got everyone in your house, you're thinkin', 'These are my friends?!'
Well, I - I could, Uh, I could give the money back. Here. (Holds it out)
Never! It is a part of me. I will just return the chair, and it will be easy, because the receipt is in my good friend.
Pennypacker. Varnsen.
(more nervous)  What are you talking about?
It's MOOPS.
Alright, so, we need something..
Another job?
Ow. My eye, my eye. 
Oh, Hey, hey, hey! That's great! That's very nice. You know we've been waiting twenty minutes for you people?! What do you think, you're Mussolini?!
Alright, but I'm serious about this.
A little breakfast.
We talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm not crazy about it, but I said , 'Donny, go with it 'till it stops workin'.' Donny baseball. He's a helluva guy.
That's right, of the New York Yankees.
Muy sumpatico. Muy muy muy.
If only something like that could happen to me.
I got rejected by a bald woman. A bald woman rejected me. Heh, you like that one? A woman with no prospects and no *hair*, told me that I wasn't her type. Apparently *baldy* likes a slimmer guy.
'George would never do anything like that.'
Of course he is. There's got to be houses for rent in Tuscany. Do you know how big Tuscany is?
Would you wait a second? Just wait? (They fight over it.)
Come on!
(angry shout) So am I!
(little subdued) Nakahama Broadcast Corporation.
No, no. I'm not going on.
No! Absolutely Not!
How ya doing?
(Yelling from the bathroom) Don't tell her anything, she'll kill me!!
Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus?
Jerry, let's go! You ready?
Wait a minute let me call Susan.
I was wrong, you were right.
This pasta primavera is fabulous.
(hesitatingly) ... no...
That reminds me, I'm not getting you guys any more fruit. That guy was eyeballing me the whole time. He gave me the creeps. All right, you owe me twenty-eight sixty.
I wasn't talking to you.
(leaving) That'll do.
I had the arm! Joe...
 What, what happened?  Where's, where's all the stuff?
Wait, as a matter of fact, wasn't there some guy in your building that you said you liked? He lived up on the fifth floor or something.
Ahh. Good for you.
But I-I-I-
I feel like a huge weight's been lifted off my shoulders. I... I... I feel happy! Kramer, I don't know how to thank you!
(To Susan) I told you it looked like her..
The comedian, or the manager?
Are you a religious man, sir?
Well, sir, I - I gave out the fake card, because, um, I don't really celebrate Christmas. I, um, I celebrate Festivus.
Now, if this mechanic guy, was, in fact, eating a 5th Avenue bar, as he claims, wouldn't you agree he would have no problem picking one out from a candy line-up? 
Well, at least, I'm not carrying a purse.
(panicky)  What are you gonna do?  Are you gonna call the police?
Sorry, we're a little late. We got so hung up in traffic.
MOOPS,
'How's it going?' - beautiful.
Oh, this is unbelievable. I'm stuck. Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.
Well I didn't do it for my mother. 
(To Rachel) And, uh, you eat eggs, right?
Oh, oh!
I know.
'Right!'
It it's huge. It's probably like North Dakota.
It's too late.
(grunting) Hey! Hey, wait a second. I got an idea.
But now I have my own market research. Actual Japanese viewers, that love the show! I'm gonna talk to Kramer.
Tell you about the Portuguese waitress.
Hey.
Baah! There it is! You just said it! That's what I want! Now say it again, and tell it to me.
Excuse me, I've got a maniac stalking me, I'm not staying in the city.
She might be leaving to work any minute.
You're smart, I'm dumb.
...you're very attractive...
Hey that's swell.
He's got a gun! He's got a gun! Get out of the way! (Tries to flee the bar in a mad panic. The audience in the club also goes nuts and heads for the exits. Jerry stands onstage, perplexed.)
Well, I was very comfortable! I've got my nuts here...
 The table, the stereo, the VCR, the velvet couch, where's the velvet?
Yeah! Boy, she is something, isn't she?
I don't know, honey. What do you want to get? [in babying voice] I want you to get anything you want...'cause I love you so much. I want you to be happy. Okay, sweetie?
Can't find them. That's marvelous. The dance continues. 
Yeah, he's in my bed. I'm... sleeping on the couch.
Festivus, Sir. And, uh, I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, Sir!
I've spent the last hour preparing ten candy bars with no wrappers or identification of any kind for him to select from. 
The, uh, actor that played Jesus made some odd choices.
(Nodding, writing) 'How's it going?'
Great.
You see... All right I knew it.
Latvia? 
What happened? Did he bring it up?
Oh well, gracias El Commandante, gracias. Muy muy.
'Why would George steal from the Yankees?'
It's a big region.
Look, Deena, I know you think I'm crazy, but I'm not. This is just a series of bad coincidences.
Come on! Come on!
Mr. Steinbrenner--
Hey, by the way, what'd you think of Miss Yoshimura?
Is that good?
Come on let's get out of here.
No.
Dinner? (grabs Kramer)
The prop comic? (Ronnie holds up his water gun and smiles.) Oh, hi...I didn't recognize you, what...did you get a haircut?
Alright, c'mon, scooch over. (Tries to squeeze into the corner seat of the couch and struggles with Remy. He spills his glass of grape juice all over the couch in the process.)
But Mr. Steinbrenner, how can I be expected to perform my job properly, knowing that my uh, subordinate is making more money than I am? With all due respect sir, it's outta whack.
Nope. I wept like a baby.
Well, I could be a little sweetie tweetie weetie weetie.
Hm. Thanks.
Because they were heated up there.
Tsss...Yeah..
And maybe we could go out and do something. 
I love you, Jerry.
Still getting nothing!
Oh, no, Sir. Festivus is all too real. And.. I could prove it - if I had to.
Only I hold the answer key to their true candy identities. And so, without further ado, I give you... the candy line-up. (Opens a door to a back room. Various dealership employees are munching on candy bars) 
I mean, uh... I had fun ice skating.
(from bathroom) VANDELAY, SAY VANDELAY!
I'm writin' it. 'How's it going?'
Boy, even I never heard that one...
I don't want any mango.
Enjoy, enjoy. 
Signal? What signal?
Ah, enjoying them?
' 'course not'
I don't know why I bother even talking to you.
Believe me, I am not crazy.
Come on. Come on. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. (grunting)
Yeah, it's me sir.  It's been a harrowing few days. uuh, After the car accident, I-I crawled into a ditch, and managed to survive on, grubs and puddle water, until a kindly old gentleman picked me up.
Why did the policeman have to yell at me like that? (Elaine enters)
The network executive. You think she liked me?
Celia broke out of prison. I'm sitting in my home, she shows up at the door!
(again from bathroom) Witness.
So go ahead pigeons. hu hu hu. Laugh it up. I'm getting in my car now and the last I heard ... we have NO DEAL!
Jerry, the Mets lost.
I never assisted in a birth before. It's really quite disgusting.
Did you ever solve the riddle of the pie? 
You had dinner with the Seinfelds'?
Joe...
Well, I started to tell her and then all of the sudden, for some reason, I just burst into tears.
I don't know....hmmm ha! here's the doctor.
You know, all these years, I've always wanted to see the two of you get back together.
Happy Festivus!
That's my candy line-up! Where are all my cards?! They're - they're all on the floor! 
(from bathroom) VANDELAY, SAY VANDEL... (George falls) ... Vandelay Industries, ...
Help, someone. (BUBBLE BOY is strangling George)
Very good. Juicy.
The next morning, I woke up, and it was going like this. (moves his arm slowly) I can control it if I really concentrate. But otherwise, (arm moves) oh.
I'd like a doggie bag for this please. (hands her plate to the waitress)
I'll tell you what that is - that's a violation of club rules. Now I got him! And you're my witness!
Uh, good. You know, you might wanna try eating it with one of these. (Holds up lobster bib)
(upset) But you can't stay here. There's no place to sleep!
'Sir?'
It's the real deal. 
All right.
Hm?
Anyway, as I was lying in the puddle, I-I think I may have found a way for us to get Bonds and Griffey, and we wouldn't have to give up that much.
Hi. 
Yeah. Hey Jerry, listen to this. I discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex. Fugitive sex! Now, it's like everytime -
Timberlands. (Showing Elaine his boots)
And you! How many Twix does that make for you, today?! Like, 8 Twix?! 
Learn guitar, first lesson free? Huh.
Maura. (starts acting dramatically, looking from Maura to Loretta and back again) Oh, my God! What are you doing here?!
How do you suppose they did that?
You wouldn't believe it. Rasputin.
Well, it's a funny idea.
Well, we just blew 240 bucks on a wheelchair.
Was this something you had planned for a while?
I bawled uncontrollably. I just poured my guts out. And I'll tell you, Jerry, it was incredible. I never realized how powerful these tears are. I could have postponed it another five years if I wanted to.
So I spoke to the security guard.
Well , not yet.. Fianc&eacute;.
So how do you want to do this?</font>
Yep, and the photo was all fixed and back on his desk, no thanks to you.
Yo, dad. This is my boss, Mr. Kruger.
My receipts! The chair! My tiger poster!
He..He threatened me.
(hitting Cynthia playfully with a napkin) Stop it, stop it.
Ripe. Boy, this Joe's got some terrific fruit.
Please, doctor.
A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?
Not that much. You know, they tend to shrink in the water.
(energetically) 'Well seems it's about time for George's lunch.'
That's right...We just had sex......You know Jerry I've been searching for someone a long time. Well the search is over. 
Come here.
The Rogue's Wallet. That's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding. his name was Costanza. He killed my mother.
Well, I can see that. What do you have to do that for? Who cares about your pants size?
I didn't get the job?
Anyway, I was thinking about what you said. About uh, me and Marisa.
Get a good night's sleep, alright fellas. (thumbs up) Big day tomorrow!
Well what about all the Lloyd Braun sales?
(standing up, still acting) Uhh! I'm caught in my own web of lies! (holds his hands up in surrender)
Hey.
C'mon, funny is funny.
Well, it was slightly used...
(hurriedly leaves Rudy's) They had plans, They had plans!
Well it's tough to get a good read but I think if I brought him a chair, he'd sit.
You know, about the uh, two of us getting together. And I know that I said I was engaged, but (laughs) uh, you know, it's really just something you say. It's like, going steady. You know uh, going steady, engaged, it's, it's all just stuff you say. (chuckles) Anyway, I was watching uh, My Cousin Vinnie, on the uh, on the tape the other day, and I was thinking that uh, you know, the two of us might take a meeting, as they say. (chuckles) So, what d'you, what d'you think?
(meekly) Well, it's true. I saw it.
.........What's that?...
Would I have had access to that?
...he embibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell.
Oh my God.
So you - you really don't have my hat?</font>
So?
Why don't you see someone about it?
Jerry, would you make the call already?
Dad, he doesn't need to see the pole.
It's a Twix! They're all Twix! It was a setup! A setup, I tell ya! And you've robbed it! You've all screwed me again! Now, gimme one! Gimme a Twix! 
Yes.
What if he left you a used Kleenex, what's that, a valentine? Now you go up to him and you tell him that if he's thinking of turning me in, that I got the goods on him!
He he...So huh! What's with the suitcase. 
I'd kill to be a 32.
(urgent) Move a pinkie, if it's yes. Can you move a pinkie?
Well, I've given this a lot of thought, and I've gotta say...
Jerry! Hey, that's the guy!
Elaine.. I have to tell you something...
when did you get back?
(with a mouth full of food) This is good. Oh, this is good.
(OC) It's George.
You're choking me.
What!?
I feel like I got a B12 shot. This is like a taste explosion!
What?!
Yup. It's really just a question of what kind. Thinking about a bar stool.
No, I uh...
...Are you sure?
And now?
No, it's a Newman. Well, I gotta run. (Smiles, pats his briefcase and exits.)
Ow! Dad...
Uh, le - let's go do, something.</font>
(attempting sincerity) As much as I'd like to see the two of you living it up in a warm, tropical, setting, I, I would just miss you too much. (smiling) So, I've decided, I want you to stay.
Excuse me. Is this, uh, Rage-aholics?
Happy Festivus! (Sees Elaine) Yama - Hama!
(Yelling out, frustrated. The camera spins from a top angle) Twwwwiiiiiixxxxx! 
(laughs hysterically, gesticulating wildly) This is all blowing up in my face! My serious girlfriend, and my torrid love affair have accidentally crossed paths. I have ruined three lives... (grabbing coat) Well, I understand if you never want to see me again, so... (points towards door)
Do I smell?
Uh-huh.
You know what? I should really go talk to her. Nothing confrontational. Just two adults sitting down trying to clear the air. You know, I just know if I could spend some time alone with her. I've got to. (he grabs his jacket) I've got to. 
So you're gonna let me get suspended for shower urination?
Why? 
What the hell is this? 'George, Elaine and I went to see Chunnel ... with Jerry.' With Jerry, huh? With Jerry! Great. Great! (dials phone) Probably went to the 84th St. That's where I always go with Jerry.
That condom killed me. Why do they have to make the wrappers on those things so hard to open?
(anticipating the answer) Not.
I don't know what Newman wanted to see me for. 
Uh. (smiles) Where's the boys?
Oh. The summer me.
You're not a doctor. You shouldn't even have books like this.
No no no no no no no..
So how was it?
Yeah. Where's he taking you, by the way?
So what?! She still gave you advice; what's the difference if she's not Chinese?!?!
Oh I think I'd go for the back.
So.....She's dead?
Hello?
Oh that's eh, that's a sandwich.</font>
(crestfallen) But you said it was my call.
Dad, you really should lay off the 'serenity now' stuff.
Thanks. What are you guys doin' here?
Embracing my roots.
MOOPS, MOOPS
I think it moved. Oh my god, I think it moved. Yeah, give me the big piece. I'll see you later.
Hmm. Really? Nothing?
I think I can still catch her. 
Ah, I guess I should go up and apologize.
So where are you staying? 
Come on. Come on.
You never run out, do you? (Jerry smiles.) Where's Kramer? Everything's finished here.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
...ah (picks up the bag) Damn salami.</font>
You can't tell him the truth, you're gonna blow the whole thing.
(To Elaine) Told me the same thing.
(astounded) What? So, this is still not over?
Hello.
How' you doing?
He's alright?
(To Elaine) Hey, what happened? 
Sons of bitches!
(chases after her) Wait a minute! You're--now you're getting a divorce because she's from Long Island?!?!
They say this guy's the best.
I suppose he could swivel. Hey maybe one of those director's chairs. What do you think of those.
No, that's right, I didn't. I take full responsibility for the card not being here. I, uh, . . .
Look at that guy. Right there. Isn't that the guy from the show? He's..he's wearing the jacket.
...Huh!
My story?
(horrified) But that meeting starts in ten minutes!
Oh, you might want to stick around Jerry. Mr. Thomassoulo picked the wrong man to hire because he was fake handicapped.
'Hoochie mama'?
Right.
Busted cold.
I'm very attracted to you..
I'm back, baby, I'm back!
Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?
What? What are you talking about. 
Wait. Whoa! That's the Rabbi from Elaine's building. I just met this guy the other day.
That damn delicatessen that - that is last time they screw up one of my orders.</font>
I'll get him to see a real doctor. You just stay away from this.
You-you sure you never slept with her? (Jerry shakes his head 'no') Perfect.
You?
Hunh, You know, it's the damnedest thing. I went out the window again to, to get a cup of coffee...
Jerry, can we get out of here?!
I'm not* sure.
I thought you were meeting Kennedy. 
Big screen TV?
I don't know why Rachel had to drive back with Michael and Carol.
Hey, Cosmo what happened to your mother last night. She hung me out to dry.
You mean one of those vinyl things?
What?
Hey, where's you AIDS ribbon?
(motioning Jerry to follow) C'mon.
...Why?
Uh, excuse me, Wyck. Uh, are we, uh, almost done here?
I think that's one of mine. 
(frantic) I'm calling Jerry.
(animated) You're letting him have a woman over?!
I slipped on the invitations...how's the towels?
(seeing Jerry's van shaking) What is that? That van's a-rockin'.
No no no, I got it.
Hello, oh, hello. You remember, ... Susan, from N B C.
How so?
I know. I know. 
Do you think chickens have individual personalities?
(Rubbing his stomach) Ooh.. Something's not sitting right..
All right. (throws his coat back down on the seat and sits down opposite them)
Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. All of a sudden I'll be, in the middle.
Ever since I found out that you let that message on Jerry's tape recorder I...
All right. I don't.
Yeah, he's something, isn't he?
Yeah, he did. 
Oh, Hi, I'm George. (they shake hands)
It would have been nice if someone told me about it. I just think you could have said something. That's all.
Vinyl yeah, maybe.
Well she was sending out our wedding invitations.
(remorsefully) I can't go.
(panicked and rushed) Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or I don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!
Oh, hey, sorry I'm late.
With the two of us?
No. No
I'll have the Clams Casino.
Step-skipper. That man is a step-skipper! He skips Step Nine!
No come on, let me, let me. I smashed your car, it cost you over two thousand dollars,
What do I do? Well actually, I'm a writer. In fact, I'm writing a comedy pilot for NBC right now.
Hi, we're from the United Volunteers, we've come to pick up the TV.
Faking? What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that?
(he thinks a little about it... and as he puts his hand on his knee and gets up) I'm sorry Karen. I know I care for you, but I just can't stand when someone doesn't like me. (he opens the door) 
If you had like five chickens could you tell them apart by just the way they acted? Or would they all just be walking around? Bak, bak, baak, bak? Cause if they have individual personalities I'm not sure we should be eaten `em. What's the matter with you?
(to Jerry) Well, what d'you think?
Chunnel ?
Excuse me, the guy is wearing a jacket that my friend is...
(seeing his parents being intimate) Oh, my god!
And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I say 'Get out of here! What do you want? You don't belong here!'
And this is Kramer.
What's with this guy?
(to Jerry) You're very special.
No, no, no. He just left. 
Yeahaha, I gave it a shot (pats Jerry on the arm)... So, any word on the 'artiste'?  (puts a video in the VCR)
Well where is she?
( mouth full) Hi, this is fantastic ( puts the pit in the a plate)D'you ever had a Macanaw peach? 
Yeah, good luck. Hey I'll meet you outside.
We were expecting about two hundred people...Well...Thank you , thank you.
(scream) Jerry!!
Sorry I'm late.
(Showing Jerry the menu) 'Chef recommends'
That's right! He never apologized to me for saying that I would stretch out the neck hole of his sweater.
Now, see here, doctor.
That I'm used to. (he leaves) 
Hey, there's a tomato stand, let's stop, I can get some more.
No, say. I want you to say.
(stands up) I am.
Yeah, yeah. You really cashed in on that favor pretty quick.
If I could talk to the guy for just a sec...
She's ahem....gone
It wasn't funny.
They talk back. They go, 'Hey George, how's it going?' I say, 'Get the hell out of here!'
All right go ahead Susan, tell him.
Yeah, he was talking to Marla. 
Hehe. Well, I got my triangles. (sitting on the couch)
Who's got the receipt?
Oh, no no no -- We bought the wine here before, but now, you know we're bl-blocked in by some car double parked and we're just waiting for the guy to pull out.
Oh, it had to happen!!
Too bad , it's all done. 
What do you think about a rocking chair?
Lowes Paragon, 84th and Broadway.
She didn't want to come, she-she's not really into sports.
Hey, use mine. I'll let you in.
(Motioning toward waitress) I think she likes me.
Heuh. huh. Stick around a while.
Get out of here, why?
Fine. (hits his arm on the desk) Ow!
Aaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa (finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans huh? They were busy. They were busy with their (doing a little dance to make the plans seem all that important) big plans!
(angry undertone) Oh, I'm gonna give you a Royal bearing. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Lemme get a pack of gum here.
Can we go now? 
Ohhhh...
He's beboppin' and scattin', and I'm losin' it!
Yeah, I think, you know, she was, like, crying, and he was consoling her, and then, she, uh, just got into his car, and they just drove away. 
Yup, y'know, they really spruce up the apartment.
Will they give us cash?
But my friend here has hypothermia.
Where? (He looks out window and gets hit by a tomato)
I knew it!! (shuts cab door) I predicted it! (hits cab roof twice, it drives off) Saw both of them today! What a disaster! I'm runnin' all over Queens. First I saw my mother. We had lunch together. Never had... LUNCH with my mother before--it's like a date! Then we drive down to Kew Gardens! Tons of traffic! I see my father. We played 'Clue'! All day with this! [Kew Gardens (see links at end of script)]
(examining reflection) I really think this looks pretty good.
Yeah, now I gotcha! (hangs up the phone and rushes out the door)
(handing over a bill) Can I get a pack of gum, please?
I uh, took care of that.
So, how come nothing ever happened between you and Nina? (Getting paranoid) Is there a problem with her? Is she a man?
Mom and Pop Seinfeld
Yeah, you gotta' watch for the jellyfish.
Yeah. 
I hate this mall, there are never any spaces here...
(to salesman) Well, maybe you could show me something else.
Jerry ... Where are you? I know you like to sit back here. Elaine! Susan!
What? Huh, so I had it all along. How d'you like that? (snorts) I guess I owe that cashier an apology.
I insist. I'll fix us a drink. (phone rings ' who would that be?) I got it.
Oh, God...
Well, what's the reason?
JERRY! What happened to you?
No-no Jerry. I wouldn't do that.
Alright I happen to know what they did last night, they had dinner with Kramer.
(to Carrie) You know, you're really being very selfish. It would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself every now and then!
Apparently the glue in the wedding invitations was a....toxic.
OH MY GOD!!! 
This was supposed to be 'The summer of George'! The summer of George.
Oh, God.
Joe DiMaggio.
Yeah, drove away.. You know, I said 'Hello' to him. You know, he's - he's- 
What if there is a fire?
No, no. Deena, it's not what you think.
So, check out my view.
Oh... make it stop.
Eh, listen Mr. Kruger, I got a message from Dr. Van Nostrand and he says it might be wise to you to see another doctor about that mole.
How engrossing?
Oh I was not. The BUBBLE BOY was tried to kill me.
Ehh, You could get in trouble.
So what's the deal they don't want to have dinner with my parents?
 Here's the TV.  I know you wanted to watch the Super Bowl.  Do you at least have some towels we could sit on?  It's, like, a four hour game.
Th... this isn't mine.
I told you, he probably went out the back.
Boy, these really do pinch the nose.
You know that coat was Gore-Tex. It's worth a hell of a lot more than that, cheap Chardonnay.
So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified! But I pressed on -- and as I made my way passed the breakers a strange calm came over me. I-I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you Jerry at that moment ... I was a Marine Biologist!
How much tip do you leave on $8.15?
I got it from the Institute. The Institute.
(desperate) Please! I have so little!
Still a little summer left.
Hey, there's Kramer & Darren.
Well, he said it could be cancer, maybe you should get it checked out.
Wow! Heh. (Half kidding) You don't, huh, have a replacement lined up for me, do ya? heh he he he he he...
Yeah, Susan tell him.
Oh, uh, 'The Falconer' by John Cheever. It's really excellent.
Kramer?! 
Who are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his number is up, who are you to interfere!?
Is there something wrong with my parents?
(internally)  How am I gonna get out of this?  Think Costanza, think!
(irascible) Oh, I see. So your time is more valuable than mine. Is that it? You're a delicate genius!
(shouting) Dee... Deena!
(embarrassed with a touch of unrestrained jubilation) Yes.
Listen Sheila it's not what you think. I put my trust into the wrong person. He said the key word was tasteful. 
 You had Sgt. Chadway?  Me too.
Well, go ahead, tell him.
Oh my God it is them.
Name tags! Name tags! What kind of an idiot thinks anybody would be interested in an idea like that.
I'm cold too. At least you've got a coat. Let's get in the car.
I know I was just telling them the story.
Huh?
Susan! Jerry! Where are you? I know you're there! Answer me!
I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin!
Whatever.
I'm all for awkward pauses. Fix me up with her.. Wait a minute, Nina just saw me in my Timberlands! Now I have to wear them every time I see her.
Bye Mrs Seinfeld, take care.
Yeah.
W-What? What?
Because my parents happen to be two pretty wonderful people.
 Hey, do you know, Bonnie, I just had a pretty wild idea.
(leaps to feet) Jerry!
Elaine?
You wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?
Seven!!
Yeah?
SHEILA!!! 
 Oh, great guy.
Yeah. Hmm. Boy these really do pinch. I tell you, if I ever find the son of a bitch that stole my glasses...
I banged it on the desk in the doctor's office. An (worriedly rubbing his arm) aaaa . . .
Oh, my god that's Saddam Hussein. The dictator.
The sea was angry that day my friends... like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli!
Ma, don't cry!
Hey. Hey. Answer me! Come on, show yourselves!
Well, that pear shaped loser was me! And I was in that photo, until I broke in here, stole the photograph and airbrushed myself out of there!
In any other shoe, I lose two inches. I - I can't have a drop down. We were eye to eye, I can't go eye to chin!
(Munching on a hamburger) This Arby's is good. 
(shaking hands with Morty) Morty, always a pleasure.
He didn't get better, did he?
I got about fifty-feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he let out a great bellow. I said, 'Easy big fella!' And then, as I watched him struggling I realized, that something was obstructing its' breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!
(happily) Difficult?
Yes.
 Well I, uh, I'm not sure how you pronounce it or anything, but I, uh, I believe it's M&eacute;nage &agrave; Trois?
Please. (sits again)
(leaving) Hah. Good luck.
Give 'im the jacket already!
Yeah?...
Hello.
 The one with the long sideburns?
I can't go in there. I'm too uncomfortable.
No. Thanks, dad.
Ma, your eyes!
Oh, no, not just me, the whole organization. Especially Mr. Morgan.
Drink your soda! Come on! I know you're there, laughing at me. Laughing and lying and laughing! I had to go to Reggies, Jerry! Reggies!
What's he yelling about? They're stealing jackets here!
That's what they tell me!
In every situation. No matter how silly I look. (Tastes his Clams Casino) Hm.. tastes a little funky.
You see? Now that is a handsome man. (Elaine and Jerry look right at George) Oh please.
Come on, lets not stand here too long, we might run in to her.
Yeah, like he was really gonna take your money.
Where's the luck? There's no luck. 1,900 dollars down the drain.
Whatever.
(acting disappointed) Oh, please don't.
So are they coming tonight or not?
Well, I'm, I'm just looking.
What's your name?
Hey!.. What can I tell ya.
Where's the tamale guy?
I don't know. All of 'em. They're all crooks! Besides, I couldn't get all different candy bars, anyway. 
 Where does he come off?
and SUSAN: The third?
(reading the tabs) Jerry, yours is eleven dollars.
Oh, you lying little snot. And he's a cheater. Aren't ya' you little twerp?
Phew!
S-s-somebody double parked, we couldn't help it. It might have been Saddam Hussein, we're not really sure. He eh, had a British accent though.
Oh no, Morgan is a good man sir.
Where are you!
What was that? 
All right. I'm gonna try givin' them fifty-five dollars each... (to Elaine) What do you think?
Almost there.
Elle McPherson going to be there?
You're kidding.
Oh, well th-that's great. It's really great.  Hm hm mm.
What, what happened to you?
Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed like a cork and I found myself right on top of him, (ELAINE: gasps quietly Ahhhh) face to face with the blow-hole. I-I, I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but, I knew something was there... so I reached my hand in, felt around and pulled out the obstruction!
Packyderm?
Ok, fine. It's going to be very interesting, very interesting if they don't show up tonight. You know my mother made all this Paella.
I'm engaged to Mr. Ross' niece. I'm probably gonna be taking over this whole place someday so if I were you I would stay on my good side.
Moose?
well humm.. lets get some coffee.
So, uh, gentlemen, do we have a deal?
Not the feats of strength..
 One of the guys in my cell threw a piece of gum at him.
Muffin, sandwich and coffee!
MOOPS
Please, it's not necessary.
Jerry, could you excuse us for a few minutes, please? 
Well, not really. After all, she did get together with George Peppard. I mean, Fred.
What's the difference? Let's go to Reggie's.
Wednesday? That's your personal business?! (stalks over to the counter) Skiing?! (angry) So let people suffer, while you're shushing all over a mountain?
Wa, uh, thank you sir, you know I am not quite sure I'm right for it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chunnel . Susan!
Yeah.
We, uh, we go on foot from here.
I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. Should have seen it coming. I didn't see it coming.
Man, would I like to see the look on his face.
So what, what is so bad about that?
(Silently squinches his mouth and nods at Kramer)
It's a spanish dish. It's a moulage of fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty.
What?
Innocent mistake.
Yes I'd like to speak to Marisa Tomei, please? Marisa, Hi it's George Costanza.. I'm the short, funny, quirky bald man you met a little while ago, heh! yeah I was just calling 'cos I wanted you to know that I'm not engaged anymore......well huh, She died....Toxic glue from the wedding invitations.....well we were expecting about two hundred people. Yeah... Anyway.. hum I got the funeral tomorrow but huh.. my weekend is pretty wide open and I was wondering... (dial tone interrupts George)..... Hello...Hello..
He said he didn't care. Oh, God I love that place. Hey, have you seen other dermatologist?
MOOPS
Yes I look forward to many years of... looking at the triangles. Well, I'll ah, I'll wait for you outside.
The little extra moan you threw in there. Laying it on a bit thick, don't you think?
We need to talk. 
I had to give it to the liquor store guy.
It's the same menu.
I hear everything.
Well, here you go. What do you think?
Two theaters?
(to the executives) Excuse me. Did you hire the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?
Ta _ mal _ e!
No.
Ah, this is the kind of day that almost makes you feel good to be alive.
So, what's in the cooler? (flips open the lid)
There's no house! It's a lie! There's no solarium. There's no Prickly Pete. There's no other solarium.
He's right. never.
You know she was behind the idea. She was going to champion the show. That's what I was bring her up there to tell you. And she liked me.
Hey could you do one other thing for me?
I know.
Mr Wilhelm? Wha..what're you doing here?
(Jerry-style) That's a shame.
What did he give you for it.
MOOPS
Yeah.
What am I talking about? Come on. (laughing) You don't think I bought all that? (does a little move)
I spilled some Chardonnay. So, what did you get?
Ohh yes, yes. Yes Jerry they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1, Hm. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me...
They'll make you a 'Big Salad.' What do you think, they're the only one's that make a 'Big Salad'?
Hey, I'm his nephew, all right? Don't worry about it. Go ahead. Check it out.
Oh. Sorry.
Ohh, yeahh.
Yeah.
Yeah, and a whole new me. I'm up two inches in these babies!
Kramer! You can't go! Who's gonna do the feats of strength?
Then, why? Why did you make me drive all the way out here? Why didn't you say something? Why? Why? Why?
What, are you crazy? It's a traumatic thing to be thrown up on.
What's the difference? The money is not important.
Go, go, get out, ...
Look it's no secret what's going on between us. (to Jerry) She doesn't like me. Now Jerry if you don't mind. 
You think your parents would have any objections to taking a little kid to Paris with them? (Jerry looks at him confused) It turns out that the kid's father lives in Paris. (chuckling) Is that a coincidence? (Jerry smilies) Eh you know Alec wants me to take him over there so I figure as long as they're going (claps)
Yeah. Let's go.
I know.
(laughing it off and trying too hard) Yeah, yeah. I have a thing for Marisa Tomei. Like she would ever go out with a short, stocky, bald man. (forced laughter) Hu hu, ha ha. Like that's her type. Huh. She's an Oscar winner. (nervous laughter) He heh. Besides, I don't even know her. It's not like anyone's trying to fix us up. Who, who would try and fix me up with Marisa Tomei?
(incredulity) Him you brainwashed! (angry shout) What's he got that I don't have?!
(innocent) What?
Have to give him time on this hour.
When do you ever have ten car lengths?
You're very good. Very good with the moanings and the gyrations. Y-You really had me going there for a minute.
Cinnamon? Why didn't 'cha get chocolate?
...kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment that I decided to tell her that, I was not a marine biologist.
(admiring himself in mirror) I did.
(urgent) Mr Wilhelm, listen. You've been abducted! Please, Mr Wilhelm, you gotta listen to me!
Five' eight. Five' seven.
That's a good score.
Chamberlind, you could hold his head in nthe toilet, he'd still give you half of Europe.
What? Must be a big one.
Thanks Roy.
(he makes a sign to Jodi to wait and turns to Jerry) Jerry... This woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her. 
(pause) Alright if you think it's too much they don't have to mail the postcards.
That's what I'm afraid of. You know Mr. Steinbrenner, . . .
Oh, please, somebody, stop this!
Oh.
Oh please.
Come on: 'Oh George, oh Geeeooorge!' Come on! Not that I don't appreciate the effort that was put into it.
Told me to 'Go to hell!' and I took the bus home.
Not in the last fifteen minutes.
(smiling) That is really nice.
(doing the voice) I'm slippery as an eel...
Italian.
She just dislikes me so much... It's irresistable. 
And your wine.
Oh, this guy tried to sneak into my space.
What?
So what! Have a yoke! It won't kill you.
How's your life? All right?
And I love you, Marisa.
Oh, come on! Be sensible.
Yeah, (cough) Definite smoke.
Well, thank you for your support.
But why?
(relishing) Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm. Delicious.
Ow! .. Ow! I give, I give! Uncle!
A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime. 
I know they're in there, the three of them, laughing at me. Together, laughing and lying.
This is nice.
Nice to meet you.
This is our new Vice-president of Acquisitions, sir.
Really? You like it? I got it at a flea market today.
Ah, get outta here. The vomiting is much funnier.
I-I-I can't find my glasses.
I am. The folks are twelve hundred miles away. (gleeful) I'm basking in the buffer zone. (looks for the waitress) 'Nother piece of pie here!
Holly.
I got to go after her. 
They're -- They're killing independent George! And they're, they're all in on it! World's are colliding!
Yes?
Yeah, thanks.
No, YOU do!
(Apprehensively) Um. I just realized. Ya' never gave me back the change from the tolls.
I need to look for my glasses.
(forced buoyancy) Hey, you know, let's call Susan, we'll go have coffee.
Danielle. Where's Neil? (indicating the bed) Is this him?
JODI! (he starts running after her) 
Sand. It's everywhere
No! It, uh, it wouldn't fit you.
Just tell her what'cha want, they'll make it for ya.
(moody) Great! Now she's sour!
(to Danielle) Whose cane is this?
Coco?
No! Get out of here, Newman.
(angry) She won't sweeten, and I'm bitter!
(to himself) A cane. I knew it. (to Neil) So, we meet at last. I admire your skills, Mr Peanut.
Wait a second. (smells it). all right.
Here. (panicky) We'll leave it here for you!
Well, Danielle, (digs in his pocket) we should get going. I got a key made for you.
Well, it was a hell of a ride.
No, Newman, stop it.
How as the date?
(shocked) What?
I don't want him to!
Ah, excuse me, Vice-president Coco, no one cares about your Gammy.
I mean, it's not fair. I've been going there for 7 years. She's been there 3 weeks.
(animated) N..no, no. You can't leave me. (frantic) Marry me! I'll burn myself. I'll burn my parents!
Whooo.. (To a waitress taking orders) Ooh.. French fries.
You wanna see?! (pulling off the hat to reveal the bald pate) There! There it is! (turning to Newman) Alright, here! You wanna try on the hat?! Here! Try on the hat!
Forget Gammy.
If anyone should be forced to leave that place, it should be her!
(clearing his throat, he changes his order for Susan) Baked, uh, potato.
Alright, just keep the hat!
There's no Gammy.
If only she could get fired. Is there any way that could happen? I mean I know how to get myself fired.
Sorry.
Oh, yes. I - I'm your baby bluey.
Oh, no.
Well ...... but how do I get someone else fired?
I'm not going if he's going.
Gammy's gettin' upset!
Hey!
Really?
You did?
Yeah. See ya.
Officer, could I just explain something to you?
Officer, he can't pull in head first.
Well, you're gonna have to go to the bathroom!
I don't have a job!
They were drinking champaign in a buggy!
Yea
(in the threshold between the living room and the kitchen) The thing that bothers me the most, is the lying.
(sitting down) Vacation?
(claps all happy) AH! (half hugs Estelle)
The attic? Y-you haven't wore any of those clothes for years.
(picking up what Frank saw as a mouse) It's the remote.
I'm trying to buy some of the clothes back. (realizing something) Hey you wanna come over for dinner tonight? My mother made all this extra Paella.
Apparently the Seinfelds' are too good for us. I shouldn't say anything bad about your uh your partner.
Twenty-five percent? It was your idea.
You're doing all the leg work.
He's ripping you off
If anybody should be getting more it's you.
Well don't let him take advantage of you like that.
I'm sorry, umm he-here's your money back (gives Rudy the money back) I-I-I'll have the clothes.
So uh where are the clothes?
Oh. That's good.
Moths?
Well you know what happens with larvae hatch, they-they're everywhere.
Hey uh let me take you're coat.
Dad?!
Rudy?! That skunk, I knew he didn't burn those clothes.
I sold your clothes yesterday.
I didn't think you wore them anymore.
Missing his plane? Wasn't that a charter flight?
What happens to charter tickets when you don't use em?
Yes I suppose they are.
Yes.
Hey I get a free trip to Paris, I go in the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I mail my own postcards.
It's alright, I got lunch.
Honesty, hard-work, these are the values that I was raised on. The most important thing Joey, is to be able to look yourself in the mirror before you go to sleep at night.
Where the hell is your father?!
