(pointing at George's shirt) See, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it. It's too high! It's in no-man's-land. You look like you live with your mother.
So, I'm on line at the supermarket. Two women in front of me. One of them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They both of course choose to pay by the use of the...
Is that it? Got the cue tips, got the mini-umbrella, something boring to read on the plane. (Jerry zips his bag ceremoniously.) That's it. Done!
I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
Look at you. Why don't you use a fork? You're no good with the sticks.
I hear you're going out with David Putty.
What time does your flight get in? Six? All right, that gives us six hours. Then I'll meet you at the diplomat's club. I'll be the one without the big red sash. Okay, see you tonight. (Hangs up)
What did you do?
(to Elaine) I can't believe you write for this J.Peterman catalog. (to George) Get this one: 'I packed my rod and reel. 30 hours later, lost in the fiord, a welcoming smile. Thank god she spotted the epaulettes on my Norwegian ice-fishing vest'.
(to Kramer) To the right.
How did you lock your keys in the car?
Last week, on Seinfeld.
Thank you! Goodnight! (Walks off stage, sighing deeply. Instantly, a red-headed woman runs up and hugs him - taking Jerry by surprise)
I'm looking for a crested blazer
Last week on Seinfeld.
Hairdo?
All right. How 'bout this one: let's say you're abducted by aliens.
Hey, have you seen all these new commercials for indigestion drugs? Pepcid AC, Tagemat HB.
So what happened to you yesterday? We were supposed to go to the auto show, I waited for you, you never came.
What are you doing? All right, all right. What's the matter with that? What about that one?
You know at the movies, they show that little ad for the concession stand?
Hang on just let me pick up a paper.
Nah, you had a good run. Took them to the World Series.
Are you sure you can't stay longer?
(on the phone) Yeah. Yeah. All right. Uh-huh.
I just think if you borrow my blender you should return it.
(tapping the spatula while waiting for waffles to be done) Any second now. Light is on! Melissa, waffles are ready.
So your saying UNICEF is a scam?
Cup of tea with lemon.
So I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to be making up some time in the air. I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll just make up time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now, my question is if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? C'mon, there's no cops up here, nail it. Give it some gas! We're flying!
Let me speak with the head librarian. ... Because it's absurd. An overdue book from 1971? ... This is a joke right? What are you? From a radio station?
 How did you get fleas?
Do you believe this? The car was parked right out front.
Oh yeah, like you know what you're talking about.
Let me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?
Kramer, what are you doing here!?
(going through couch cushions) Where the hell did I put this?
So George and I went up to NBC and we told them the idea for a series now we're just waiting to sign the contract.
Have you ever called someone up, and you're disappointed when they answer the phone?  You wanted the machine.  You know, and you're always kind of thrown off, (left hand up to side of face, pretending its a receiver) you go 'Oh, I eh, I - I didn't know you were there, I ah - just wanted to leave a message saying, sorry I missed you.'
She hasn't told her father yet?
(answering machine) leave a message and I?ll call you back, thanks. JOE DIVOLA: Jerry, Joe Divola. *Pbt* *Pbt* *Pbt* I have a hair on my tongue, I can't get it off, you know how much I hate that? Course you do, you put it there. I know what you said about me Seinfeld. I know you badmouthed me to the execs at NBC, put the kibosh on my deal. Now I?m gonna put the kibosh on you. You know I?ve kiboshed before, and I will kibosh again.
We're dead.
(To Elaine) Let me ask you a question. 
You don't understand. I got this all timed out. I got another spot across town at 9:50, I'm not gonna be able to make it!
...And it *is* embarrassing, because a doggie bag means either you are out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen the stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about the doggie bag on a date? That's a good move for a guy, huh? Lemme tell you something: if you're a guy and you ask for the doggie bag on a date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too. You're not going to be needing those for awhile, either.
To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings for these people? They'll go: 'Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is to have a stereo and a cream-colored couch.' According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. *Death* is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
So, what's her name?
So, does he like you?
Professional tennis. To me I don't understand all the shushing. Why are they always shushing. Shh, shh. Don't the players know that we're there? Should we duck down behind the seats so they don't see us watching them? To me tennis is basically just ping-pong and the players are standing on the table. That's all it is. And that goofy scoring, you win one point and all the sudden you're up by 15. Two points, 30-love. 30-love. Sounds like an English call girl. 'That'll be 30, love... And could you be a little quieter next time, please, shh.' 
No eight years isn't such a long streak. 
How would you describe the smell in this house? 
The whale is supposed to be such an intelligent animal. You know you always here about how they can communicate by song from miles away. How extensive their vocabulary is. I would say from the rate we are pushing the whales off the beach back into the ocean the words shore and close do not appear to be in their vocabulary. I would say if the whales concentrate a little less on the singing and a little more on approaching Quervo beach volleyball tournament. If you wanna maintain the brainy mammal image.
You know their timing couldn't be worse.
(feeling face) Good shave today...
So, she got you to join a book club?
I cannot believe Lindsay's still seeing you after that 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' thing.
Ready to go Lois?
Come on. Lets go
 You sure you don't want the tickets?
I don't think you did anything wrong.
No, of course not.
So you didn't ask?
I would think.
(indicates with his thumb) Yeah, I'm just going up to see Elaine Benes.
'Jimmy'
(To himself) Now what am I supposed to do here? Shall I go over there? It's not like somebody died. It's 'Beaches' for god's sake. If she was sitting next to me I'd put my arm around her. I can't be making a big move like going all the way over there. I can't. I won't.
Really? What happened?
Which one you wanna go to shmoopy?
Well, what do you mean?
Who?
Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.
Oh, I'm back, baby.
Ow. Stupid fold-out! Why'd they put the bar in the middle of the bed?
Okay, thank you. (hangs up the phone)
Why not?
My friend Kramer and I were discussing that same thing the other day. He was with Brant-Leland for a while.
I guess we like to think we've progressed beyond a knife fight for a citrus drink.</font>
Why are we flyin' over the Andes?
(Gets up) Get out!
So what's the great moment? You're on your death bed, they're pounding on your chest - and you're going 10, 9, 8,.. I told you this thing was good!
Well, it's not Daylight Savings Time yet.
Morning.
That's good stuff.
(also wearing a moustache) What do you mean, 'what is it?' It's a country right next to Belgium.
She's the performance artist, right?
Morning.
Oh, sure. With out the parents, it's a breeze.
Yeah, they have been promising that for a while.. 
It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm goin' to Florida for his birthday.
First it was the health club, then the supermarket, now the bookstore. They could put it anywhere they want, no one's meetin' anybody.
Take some of mine.
What do you think the worst part of being blind is?
This is amazing, I haven't seen one person go in to that restaurant since it opened. Poor guy.
Ah..ha!.. really. ( Jerry is barely listening to him )
I met her on an elevator.
Oh, yes you will.
It's safer! Plus it's more annoying to the other person.
What are you talking about?
Yeah.
Would you let go of my arm?! I'm trying to drive, you're getting us both killed!
What?
Oh, you know these jewellers, they're enigmas. They're mysteries, wrapped in a riddle.
Well this is it.
Hey, could you do me a favour? [pause] Could you shut-up?
No, you didn't.
That's funny, that's funny! 'I'm sick of cleaning.' That's very funny.
Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll *all* be over...
Hi, Sidra. I usually last about ten minutes on a Stairmaster. Unless of course there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour.
(flips a roll of paper towels in the air) Produce section. *Very* provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened.
Is that bothering you?
It's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up. It's not Danish.
Oh, it won't be for that long.
No. You?
Are these seats unbelievable or what? 
I once got Happy New Yeared in March.
Elaine, see this T-shirt, six years I've had this T-shirt. It's my best one, I call him... Golden Boy.
Yeah. are you full? 
It's not good.
Good morning.
Kramer, I've driven to east Hampton many times, I know the exit.
Your friend, Noreen.
I'll have the, ah, turkey club without the bacon.
That's incredible. Six months ago you were taking messages for your mother.
You do of course try on, when you buy?
Cheque. Now, the fact is, if it's a woman in front of you that's writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that women are very fast with cheques, y'know, 'cause they write out so many cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don't know where that is, but the cheque book: they got that. They never fumble for the cheque book. The cheque book comes out of a holster: (Jerry 'draws' imaginary book from a holster.) 'Who do I make it out to? There's my ID.' There's something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine. I don't know exactly what it is. I think to a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother that says, 'I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time- I don't have any money but I have these. I wrote on these. Is this of any value at all?'
(proudly) I am...the master packer.
But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed. I'm sure he's got super humor.
Why don't they open up an entire store for the back? Call it, 'Just Back.' All back; No front. You walk in the front, you're immediately in the back. (Jerry picks up a tie display, and shakes it rhythmically from left to right.) Look, Elaine, tie carwash.
You stink. You know you stink. What is this?
Well, I think he could've asked me. Supposed to be a friend of mine.
Yep, she's not gonna be back for a month, but I got six hours.
She calls me this morning and tells me she's upset I didn't console her. I mean it was 'Beaches' for god's sake. What, what do you do in a situation like that?
Don't get up.
Maybe he'll write a song about you.
So why don't you get a locksmith?
Hello?
(Trying to ward her off) Hey. Hey!
I've worn one once and I really think it did something for me.
You look like Brenda Starr.
They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in their zoo, or their circus?
Now, you know you're supposed to take these things before you get sick?
Five minutes.
He was good in Man From Uncle.
He's wailing on that banjo.
Don't sell yourself short. You made all the flight arrangements, hotels, busses.
(hanging up the phone) Oh! There's my Chinese food, I gotta run. All you.
Yeah, ya know Cain slew Able.
(looking at her) How about that.
Oh! No it's Sally Weaver.
I tell you what they should do, they should combine the two jobs, make it one job, 'cop\garbage man'. I always see cops walking around with nothing to do. Grab a broom! Start sweeping. You sweep sweep sweep... catch a criminal, get right back to sweeping.
I was screamin' at hecklers all night. The last time I open for a rodeo.
Is he on the plane now?
Ya' got me I fell for it. Alright, OK I can be down there in like a half hour. Bye.
 Maybe you can get yourself a little bowtie flea collar.
I don't know, I guess it was on. I don't know my alarm sound; I'm not tuned in to it like it's my son.
Well what do you think? They put the statue on a giant raft and a tugboat pulled it all the way from France?
Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.
What are you doing? We're going out for dinner in ten minutes.
I have to dribble, if I give it to you, you just shoot. You're a chucker.
Oh look at this guy.
You scared me!
The remote, the remote, I can't find the remote. Did I lost, I lost it. Did you take it? Did you put it some place?
Yeah.
'We're'? What do you mean, 'We're'?
About what?
We are dead.
You're a hostage, captured by terrorists- 
And I'm doin' Letterman Monday. You know, I gotta work out the material!
Look we've been through this already. You're not an actor!
Is she nice?
You like him?
I told ya. How good is this?
No I haven't vomited in thirteen years. 
Yeah, that's part of it. (sniffs) Kasha? 
You don't understand, I haven't been together with Rachel for like three weeks. First I was on the road, then my parents show up, I'm getting a little uh backed up.
I'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns grow in a little...
Well, I think that statement alone reflects your burgeoning intelligence. (Sits on a couch.) Hey, what about this one?
As we all do.
Excuse me Lois. Stand back Lois. Jimmy's in trouble Lois.
What's it doin here?
 I can't believe I'm having trouble getting rid of Super Bowl tickets.
What's that one?
We can only thank God for that.
Everyday.
Counter.
(scoffs) You don't flamenco on the first date.
Oh, she's uh, she's house-sitting for Mr. Pitt.
'I dunno how you could forget . He kept reffering to himself in the third person. 'Jimmy's under the boards. Jimmy's in the open. Jimmy makes the shot.'
(cuts in) A nude model. 
Isn't he the one with the show on cable?
Why would anyone eat canned fruit? I mean can anybody answer that?
You're a shmoopy!
Well I think that's pretty obvious.
Ruthie Cohen?
(admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya.
Great. One of the best jobs I ever had.
Hey. 
They're sending a detective to my apartment tomorrow.
What about over there? You know air conditioners fall out all the time.
Mentor? You mean your boss.
Restaurants too?</font>
Kramer.
(Looks around his apartment) Is it better than mine?
I know.. How about dessert?
(pause) I don't know, they just tell you the night before.
(applying paste to brush) Ah, baking soda. Annoying little product. 'I can do this. I can do that.' Why doesn't this stuff just shut up?
Can you grab a nap at work.
Let's go.
Holland *is* the Netherlands.
What's her husband's name, again? Chip? Kip? Skip?
He was 96 years old.
But why?
(Sarcastic) Oh, I'm sure she'll come around.
Hey, Tim. Great party.
I think Ed Begley Jr. has one. 
Two hundred. But I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift. He gets excited about the deal.
(Sarcastic) You better hurry.
Right. It's just an activity. It's like that paddle with the ball and the rubber band.
Who said you have to like it?
You know, if you were blind, what do you think the worst part of it would be?
What's that smell? What are you wearing?
Oh! well whatever you have to do.
Impossible, right?
Yeah, maybe you won't.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Obviously we're gonna call the police and tell that he's not the guy.
Everything with you comes down to toilet paper.
She's okay.
Oh, you're welcome. You know I think I ate too much of that garlic.
I hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works: the window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker... [pause] Or is that you?
No she didn't.
Yeah, it's funny!
Yeah, how about a mute?
Oh, yeah. That's why they call it a Stairmaster. You get up there and you stare.
Tonight.
No I'm not. (to Michael) George. Is Haagen-Dazs Danish?
Hey, my parents are just as crazy as your parents.
Yeah.
(interrupting) Thanks, that's enough.
Here. 
It's pathetic. . . . hey, is it cold out?
Golden Boy's always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry. Here... touch Golden Boy!
Ah, here we go... apple pie! Best apple pie in the city. (Jerry starts eating) Mmm, delicious. I'm not waiting for you. Take some. 
Well at breakfast everybody reads.
Hey, you are the couch tonight, young lady. You were all over my side.
(To Elaine) You sure we're makin' the right move?
If I was flattering myself, I think I'd come up with someone a little less annoying than Noreen.
From your mother.
Oh, you don't recall?
What you must understand, Elaine, (picking up the umbrella) packing is no different than leading men into battle. (Jerry hits his bag rhythmically with his umbrella.) You've gotta know the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier in that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks.
Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth?
(pointing to Elaine) Her father wrote that.
Oh. Your ballet tickets.
Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know, and you don't want it to be someone better than you. Now, even though the latter is *obviously* impossible.
I do, but it's three o'clock and then I'm flying right back and meeting Bridget at the Diplomat's Club in the airport.
Well, looks are so subjective.
I was sitting on the chair. She was over here on the couch.
And you broke up with her 'cuz she beat you at chess? That's pretty sick.
So I take it he's spongeworthy?
How long has your car been sitting in the Yankee parking lot?
Elaine? Wh..what's going on?
Right.. Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, oh, so you saw the show?
(softly) Hmm.. they'll match my sneakers.
It's better than Dondi.
But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet!
No.
What's the difference? You never showed up.
I know, I'm having my root canal the same week.
I just don't understand the raisinettes.
I saw it.
So, when you actually did work, what it was that you did?
I did a show for a car dealership and they're getting me a new SAAB.
Oh, no.
No, It's Susan Ross's old college roommate; she moved to New York a few years ago . she's trying to become an actress.
Ehh, nobody listens.
Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?
Uh, just my next door neighbor.
This you're not goin' to believe. The NYPL says that I took out Tropic of Cancer in 1971 and never returned it.
 I'd go, but Long Island, it's so far out, it smacks of desperation.  The whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, 'You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?'
They cross the wires or something.
I don't know. It's too early for a Christmas party isn't it?
Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos...
Yeah.
That's right, everytime you get the ball you shoot.
Oh there's a guy trying to get in front of me, he has to ask permission. Yes. Go ahead. Get in, get in.
That's enough!
All right, what is this?
You're meetin' the father for the first time?
Nah, I don't wanna go.
All day tomorrow? We had a month and a half to come up with something and we didn't do anything.
You, anybody - whatever. You're in the little room, you're chained to the floor, you're there for a long time.. do you think they would ever consider doing the laundry? 
No, I'm supposed to meet my friends to see this movie ``CheckMate'' at 10:30.
[mockingly] 'Please hurry'. Look at you. Look at what you've become.
I know. So why do we need two people in the show that can't act?
So you like her?
How good?
Not since June 29, 1980. 
Yeah. Dandruff, kasha, mothballs, cheap carpeting. It's pot pourri, really. 
Not for another three days.
You got a raise?
(pause) Yeah, I guess.
So, what's your first book?
Oh, so you're gonna meet the mother?
So this ah, woman you plan on hiring, is she going to be in the 'Spokes model' category?
 I can't, the Drake put me in the wedding party.
Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if she gets a craving, she's probably screamin' at those aliens, 'I gotta have a lo mein!'
You're imagining this. Really.
You tried.
He said wuss?
Yeah? Would you do it?
Yeah.
You know I went out once with a nude model. Never let me see her naked. Hundreds of people see her naked every week, except me. Needless to say it was quite vexing. 
That's great.
I thought that new promotion was supposed to be a lot more work.
You're a shmoopy!
Hey Elaine.
It's hard enough living next door.
Since my grandfather died. I was suppose to send it down to my parents in Florida, but they didn't want it. They told me to get rid of it, but I felt funny and then I sort of forgot about it. And it's been sitting down there for three years until he saw it. (to Kramer) All right, so, just take what you want and let's get it out of here.
Sure.
I killed.
Hey George, you coming to the Tonight Show on Thursday?
Well, what'd you say? 
Well, I didn't count on my mechanic pulling a Mary-Beth Whitehead, did I?
No, cab's comin' in right here (Hand at waist) Set of plastic hips, prosthetic legs, and a monkey to answer the door, I'm back in business.
(Trying to read the note) What have I done? I can't read this! Ful-hel-mo-nen-ter-val? I got up last night, I wrote this down, I thought I had this great bit.
Hmm. So Cynthia's your mentor.
Yea especially Ziti, with that big hole. </font>
No.
So, it's a two-bedroom-one-bath-make-your-friends-hate-ya?
'The ocean called, They're running outta shrimp'?
Why?
(under breath) Oh, I'm sure that won't cause any problems..
Ooh-ooh
For how long?
(picking at his moustache) You know I cannot stand this thing anymore.
Todd. Oh yeah. (To George) He's a Kennedy.
(To George) I said I was sorry.
She didn't even want a napkin.
What about Harrison Ford? He had one in, uh, Blade Runner. That was a cool one. 
Ah, I'll tell him I got it on the street, and maybe it's hot. That's his favorite.
I can't believe you all made me leave before the end of the game.
I don't like pesto.
I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food. How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue.
Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?
Manly.
(sarcastically) No you don't..
I don't know. She was so beautiful, it was like a pure reflex. The words just came out of my mouth.
Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.
Are my nostrils getting bigger?
Oh yeah, I know.
C'mon, will ya?
Couldn't be the guy...nah.
That's always the first question with you. Why is that always your focus?
What writer? It's a sitcom.
She's nice.
No, I ate the whole plate. I didn't know those little things were garlic. I thought they were peanuts.
So, this worked out pretty good. Them givin' me an extra ticket, y'know, you get a free trip to St. Louis, I did my gig, you got to see your sister...
Hey, I've been back four days, I want my mail.
It's funny.
Ah, where you gonna meet a mute?
Alright, I'll see you Thursday night, right?
I... don't... know...
My father has never thrown anything out. Ever!
(Looking away) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What, are you on Mercury? 
Scary cold.
But see look at the collar, it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash brings him one step closer, that's what makes the T-shirt such a tragic figure.
You're not gonna have any? 
You read during lunch?
C'mon, I was sleeping with one cheek off the bed!
Didn't they just have a baby?
If you don't believe me, ask her.
...So how's Noreen?
Duncan Meyers!
Well, senator, I'd just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it.
Yes.
No, but I've seen people on tiptoes.
The former still applies. I don't know what it is, but I just can't see you with a mechanic.
So that's it? You know I never even met the guy.
Of course.
Yeah, what else?
I can see the can if you're in the army, but fresh fruit it's available, it's there, it's 2 aisles over.
So why didn't you tell her the code?
Well, he's a musician. I guess they're supposed to be very, you know, uninhibited and free.
(tearing himself away from Christie) Huh?
(a little confused) You wanna hang out here, at phase two of the Pines of Mar Gables?
(Modest) Oh, thanks.
You know...I'm not sure. I'll tell you what. I'll come back later with someone and see what they think.
(Interested, still looking at the couple) Really?
He cleared his throat?
(resigned) At least it's show business..
We're just talking. Is this not the greatest marketing ploy ever? If you feel good, you're supposed to take one!
Well, we barely knew the guy.
Well, I'm upset, but we'll make the most of it.
Oh, god, it's Mike Moffit..
No, I don't wanna see the naked people.
Yeah.
So what are you doing now?
Okay. I wouldn't see it again.
No, the engine clotted. You know who set this whole thing up for me? Frank Merman.
Well I think Able worked hard all summer harvesting his crops, while Cain just played in the field. Then when Winter came, Able had all the nuts; Cain had no nuts, so he killed him.
You don't think she's just talking to me?
Untalented, She's always inviting me to see her in some bad play in tiny room without ventilation. It's really depressing.
(Sarcastic) Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles.
You mean like...Liza!
Howbout picking up their, you know. You find that enriching?
It doesn't work like that.
 Who?
They stole my car.
It was a gift.
All right, I'm sorry. What about her?
Come on up. . . . I never heard of this. You've got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. How you gonna do that?
You chuck.
No, nothing. How could you not give a thank you wave? Hey buddy! Where's my thank you wave?
C'mon...c'mon...
All right, very funny. I get it.
(Chuckles slightly) Well, you'll make quite an impression on him when you tell him how you burned his cabin down.
I-I-I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it!
Let me ask you something. When's the last time you went skiing?
[not losing a step] Heeeeyyyyyyyy..... [and out the door]
Oh, *Carl* can't wait a few more minutes?
My grandmother's in the hospital.
Danish. Is it from Denmark?
You don't know?
Hey.
I know it.
Yes, because my previous vomit was also June 29th... 1972. That's why during the '80 vomit, I was yelling to George: 'Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on June 29th again.' 
She lives with her parents.
I thought you said Pendant was in financial trouble.
It's kinda old, isn't it?
You're good with the mothers.
Okay, Tim. You're welcome. (Hangs up.)
That's a 180, George.
 Maybe he didn't know?
Oh yeah? I don't believe you've seen... this.
No problem.
Did you tell her you loved her?
So you called.
Well, I knew you'd have an affinity for it, because it's the dance of a very proud people.
Can I just go up?
Yeah! 
That looks pretty good.
How do you pull that off?
Uh,..we'll go to 3rd Avenue. So, can you come with us for lunch to the soup place?
Who, who, who do you think would win in a fight between me and ah, gorgeous George here. (pointing up and down at George)
Grandpa clothes, I can't wear 'em.
Maybe that's why she's happy.
Y- you're not playin' golf?
(taking off his jacket) Slaughtered. Wiped the floor with 'em and (hanging up jacket) not only that, the money was unbelievable.
Yeah, sure. My parents will be there.
What's his problem? 
What bet?
He's a very special maniac.
You were livin' in the village then, right?
Johnny? Johnny who? Johnny Carson? Did I insult Johnny on The Tonight Show?
Well, I like Gabe Kaplan.
Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein content. It's better for you.
She's out.
(smiling) Really? That's great. You said that to him?
What? Today? Really?
So? She used the toothbrush!
Come on.
Maybe I should ask her out?
I told you, we should have taken some kind of vacation.
C'mon. He's a third cousin, or something.
Well, what ever you do, you're wearing me out.
(Nauseated at the saying) Would you please stop saying that?!
Oh, it's a scene.
Well, what do you think the big holdup is? 
She said no?
Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked to them?
(Gesturing to a man) Look at that guy. (Elaine starts to look, but Jerry stops her) I'll bet you he's gettin' hair transplants. Any time you see a guy that age wearing a baseball cap, ten to one - plugs.
You hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania?
Hey, there's the old man! (hug)
What's the matter?
No they don't. They're out on some big picnic. They're cooking burgers. They're making out on blankets. They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air-conditioner.
So why didn't you say no?
My show from last night.
You know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England.
That's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview, in 'Death of a salesman'.
Give me that wave!
What's the difference?
Kramer! What are you doing?!
Something, isn't it?
How can you think of food at the time like this?
I don't know. Maybe they gave out fig leaf clumps to all the soldiers.
Soon, there's a couple of problems.
She's all right.
No, I mean, I don't think so.
And here's the beauty--
Elaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines and junk mail, there is no mail.
It cannot not be funny! Now come on, let's stay with it, we gotta finish this today.
Alright.
I was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do with a car, or a fish...
Oh, Drake's party, I forgot to buy a present.
My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water.
So, how did you meet him?
Yeah, I looked. I saw.
You got a problem with paba? 
That. (pointing at George)
No!!! The reason he's the iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away from him, you break his spirit!
Do you not like apple pie? 
Oh, well.
No, no, 12-8!
Is it possible they're just having babies to get people to visit them?
Oh, right. The guy who talks with a really high voice.
Already? That was fast... I assume he's not a High Talker...
So you called the cop a pig?
All right, sir. (He tosses Elaine his keys. The apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry presses the first button; to the intercom) George?
What floss? When?
Hi.
A beard?
Hello. (listens) Oh, hi Nana. (listens) What? Oh. Oh, alright, okay. Don't worry about it. (listens) Okay, I'll see you later. Alright, bye.
All right.
You're marchin' in.
Maybe.
yeah,
Happy, Pappy? What does that mean?
Where you going?
George, you're gonna marry this woman. Most likely.
Yeah.
Oh, no?
Oh yeah, be great for your paper route.
Gee, I dunno what to tell you.
(Blunt) I believe you.
What?
Really I'll be back.
You know, I have a little thing for Beth Lookner.
Thank you, no.
So?
What if she's got no interest in you?
They've opened up a whole new market. Medication for the well.
That's the way it works.
I'm not a phony an' I don't want anything to do with this guy.
I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago.
The box of raisinettes runs up to the concession stand, buys another box of raisinettes.
With a gentleman caller?
Why? He's harmless.
Ya broke my blender, didn't ya?
You shut up.
She should just give up.
She's at that annual Peterman party tonight. You know the one she danced at last year?
But there's no 't' in your name. What about G-bone?
It's not going to be anything. I returned the book. I remember it very vividly because I was with Sherry Becker. She wore this orange dress. It was the first time I ever saw her in a dress like that. In oticed since ninth grade she was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for like two years. And then one day ...
 Nah.
They did.
If they like each other.
I know, you told me you like her, everything is going good.
I think I'll take out the garbage.
I like the button fly.
Come on. Go back to your apartment and fix it.
(Laughs) I mean, the whole thing is ironic. Think of it: Here the guy is nice enough to give you a box of very fine Cuban cigars..
All right, all right.
I think you can take the lift ticket off your jacket now.
A deep, yawning chasm...
Look at that. Why do I get bananas? They're good for *one* day...
He'll like you more...
This is real believable.
Well do you feel anything?
You got me the air conditioner?
Coffee. And they grind up the coffee beans, and put it in.
No Elaine he's normal. Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New-York. 
(sarcastically) Ya, then maybe baldness will catch on. This will all be turning your way.
Oh, when did that happen?
Oh, sure...Truman Capote.
Maybe you should date the mothers.
Yes, it was. He wanted your address - you, my friend, are going to be invited to his night-before-Thanksgiving party. (Elaine raises her hands triumphantly, then gleefully struts her way to the kitchen.) You know, he's got that great apartment on 77th street, and they overlook where they inflate all those huge balloons for the Macy's Thankgiving Day Parade?
Hi Willie.
 Row F, in front of the Gs, hobnobbing with the Ds and Es.
Yeah.
You're a human being.
Yeah. Like a farm boy.
I have to go over to my grandmother's.
How 'bout those Knicks?
What are you telling him for?
Hey, say, you know, we haven't even discussed George's engagement yet.
Mona a Baldo .
No, go ahead. Look at this place. I can't wait to get it cleaned.
What is this?
Yeah. Highest paying job I ever had.
Yeah, they're in town this week, you wanna go?
He called the right guy. 
Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars!?! Short Jewish guy against Darth Vader. I don't think so.
I don't know.
Yes. And the mentor advises the prot&eacute;g&eacute;.
That's very nice, I guess.
Yeah, well, they like to call it a set-up now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers.
Oh. That's not quite the same.
Yeah.
That's true. Maybe I take her to the Tony's.
Because you said this would be better. Remember? A vacation from ourselves. That's what you said.
Oh, by marriage. (To George) We went to their wedding. You should have heard him talking about Chappaquiddick - trying to blame the whole thing on bad directions.
I don't really have enough room.
Yeah, right. And what about the floating cities? 
Heeyyy!...
What did you do?
Why, because you picked out the poision envelopes? That's silly.
(To Elaine) Oh, one more thing about the car. Let it warm up for a minute.
He was at a carnival with his mother. She goes to get a hot dog, next thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone.
Ahh, we waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place.
That orange dress is burned in my memory
Look at this poor guy. His family is probably in Pakistan -- they're waiting him to send back money. This is horrible.
Yeah , I was doing new material.
Can you believe I did that?
Yeah, I'm free, why?
You always have to know everything that's going on, don't you?
Get out! Get out of the bathroom, I gotta go!
I know!
I told you to have breakfast, you should've had breakfast!
Maybe they should have a toilet paper museum. Would you like that? So we could see all the toilet paper advancements down through the ages. Toilet paper of the Crusades, the development of the perforation, the first six-pack . . .
What do you expect? It's airline food.
She's not beautiful.
No, no, no. I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything I'm sad stop unlucky.
(To George) What's the matter? 
George is pickin' us up at the airport.
You walk around with no underwear?
Yeah, maybe I'll give it to Elaine.
Tremendous workout.
A smirk?
So, he's a writer.
No, Uncomfortable? Not at all. (ASIDE TO ELAINE) My friend's wife's breast sticking out - why would that make me uncomfortable?
You don't even know what paba is. 
The guy who's in the gulag?!
Well, at least taste it. 
Ya, what's there to talk about.
I know I can't beat ya, I'm just trying to stay competitive.
Yeah, that's real interesting. Elaine, listen, tell me if you think this is funny - (reads comedy he's written) 'Men definitely hit the remote more than women...men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV. Women want to see what the show is before they change the channel, because men hunt and women nest.'
No.
A Long Talker.
She does have a way.
Well, I'd have to be Superman to do that Lois.
Didn't you explain that to the cop?
Can you relax, it's a cup of coffee. Claire is a professional waitress.
Ah, mint.
(to Morty) Would you make this thing lower! I can hear it on the street!
I guess I'm coming. I mean...
Yes.
(to Elaine) Harold and Manny.
Oh, you're 'Pappy'.
Yeah, he looks busy! Yeah!
So you're taking relationship advice from Chemical Bank now?
Yep. Since college. (Looks at Kramer's AIDS walk list.) Hey, Lena Small's on this list.
Come on. Come on.
(Grabbing his coat) Oh, I'm sorry, I can't - I'm going straight to the airport.
Dead man walking.
So I didn't like the crest all that much., but the guy spent fifteen minutes with me so to get out of the store I told I wanted to see what someone else thought.... And then he makes a face like he doesn't believe me.
Yeah.. I've been waitin' out their marriage for three years.
Not getting it.
That is disgusting.
(hopeful) Then you admit it was amusing?
Tell him forty and no fork.</font>
I told him to meet us here in ten minutes. How long has it been?
Huh. So, I guess your travel miles are about to expire.
Yeah. And she picked the day!
I remember that it's a good thing. Someday, I hope to do it again. (Jerry looks at Elaine)
Box of raisinettes eating another box of raisinettes? It's perverse.
The walking date is a good date. You don't have to look right at the other -person.
I noticed she's big on the phrase 'yada yada.'
Me neither. I love the previews. In fact I enjoy being in the theatre cut up(?). Last week after a preview, I yelled out 'Must miss'.
I'm going to be this guy's friend.
So you're staying at Play Now?
Really?
He was not the summer you. Besides, you had a summer me. Whitey Fisk, the guy who snuck you into Last Tango in Paris.
I knew it.
Is Tatiana coming?
(Pointing) Hey, there's Leo.
There's a g-spot.
These are the receipts from 85 and I'm going to do 86.
 Oh, well, now you're talking.
What should I do, should I call the police?
See that guy he's talking with? That's her new boyfriend.
What time is the lesbian wedding?
Well, once I didn't have dinner until, like 9:00 o'clock, that was pretty rough. (exits to hall with garbage ' meets George) Hey, do me a favour will ya'? Throw out my garbage for me.
Well it's not an easy thing to bring up.
That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth. It's like a mink trap down there. (beat) What are you doing today?
Your pants!
No, but wait, wait: And then you dump them off onto Kramer..
So why don't they talk like that now?
So what? You can't meet anybody. You're going on with Susan.
Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.
Yeah, I did that too.
It stinks.
All right, let me ask you this: when she comes over, you're cleaning up a lot?
Beautiful!
Huh? Huh?
What do you mean that's it? 
Then he asked you out? 
When did you get that?
The baldies
Does this mean they're gonna be publishing Kramer's coffee table book?
Check the pile.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you got something goin'.
Oh, he's a dentist. You don't want to go out with a dentist.
I got this stuff and ah my mother's fur coat for storage.
 I asked.  Elaine laughed at me, Kramer's only interested in Canadian football.
'So, uh, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?' 'Oh, he's a public fornicator. Yes, he's a fine boy...'
Uh, yeah, the, uh, hot water takes a little while to come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all your shopping, you come back and take a shower.
Were you crying? I mean, it's just a grape. You'll find it.
You're too nice a guy.
Wow. The enthusiastic hi. That's beautiful.
I have to open a bottle of ketchup for her.
Yeah.
What? 
Hey. Elaine's quitting.
He's the busboy, you think he cares about the soup?
Come on! GEORGE: is getting married!
I don't know. Blind date?
No, Elaine's got this writer friend from Finland, Rava. Her boyfriend goes to Columbia grad school, and he's suppose to do it.
That stinky old movie-house?
(reluctant) Nah, nah. I'd rather...
No.
All right, I'm leaving. I going to the laundry. 
So the bet was that the loser has to buy dinner?
I don't mind the cemetery.
I don't know. That's like asking 'Where's Waldo?'
No.
Look, if other people are having some, I'll try you.
I can't. I'm meeting Kramer down at my mini-storage.
I'm gonna grab a can of balls.
Fine. An' I'm not just sayin' that..
How many years of med school did you have?
New clothes?
Yeah, I wrote some jokes to the show and they gave me two tickets.
No.
Why were you making gravel?
I don't want to talk about it!
It's like we're living in the '50s here. 
George, both parties don't have to consent to a break-up. It's not like you're launching missiles from a submarine and you both have to turn your keys. Obviously, you didn't make a convincing case. Let me hear your arguments.
Keep your shirt on. I got it.
I don't understand why he couldn't take a cab.
Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. (she starts the quick hand chops on his back) And these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy, I could be one of these people.
What's the difference?
Huh? How you feeling?
I wonder what ever happened to her.
Big accomplishment.
That's because you're stupid enough to wear the cologne.
Huh?
We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening.
Oh my God! You won't believe what I just saw! A car just bashed into a parked car, and sped off, right on my block!
If I don't tell you it will kill you, won't it?
C'mon!
Sure.
You should've had some eggs.
Hi.
How could you eat fish on a plane?
So you ask her out.
That's not funny Naomi.
'Caught' you? Doing what? 
You know that awning outside my building?
I do a wash.
What are <you> doing here?
Right, right. Okay. (Writing) Elaine enters.
Tremendous girl.
You don't like the Drake?
I told you I'd lend you the money for the rent.
Yeah, big surprise.
So how long do they do this?
You wanna barrow Golden Boy!
You won't even taste it? 
Why don't you talk to her about how there's nothing to talk about?
Uh, let me get a coat. I think I'll uh try a sport jacket and scarf thing, you know, like an unemployed actor. (Goes into his room, and comes back out with the jacket on.) Ahh, haven't worn this one in a long time.
You don't know? Come on, that's gold!
No, not for me. A little too delightful. Well, George and Jane should be almost there by now.
(pause) All right; let's move it out.
Well they do work on tips.
(to George) Hey.
So let me get this straight. She saw the floss, you panicked and you told her you liked her.
We won. I made an incredible play in the field! There was a tag-up at third base and I threw the guy out from left field on a fly! We'll be in the championship game Wednesday because of me. It was the single greatest moment in my life.
No, I'll go. I'm going.
Why are you doing this?
Boys, boys.
The Improv is playing 'Rochelle Rochelle' The musical.
Oh, I get it. Why don't you just say it?
Actually, that's the definition of selfish.
Why?
Yeah, that girl I was gonna call for a date, she was unlisted...and now here's her number.
Elaine, you're among friends.
You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be.
Oh?
Well, one outta twenty thousand. That's not bad.
Yeah..... He caught me So here's what I want you to do. Come back with me to the store and we'll pretend to look at the coat.
Oh, help me, Rhonda.
Well, then you're drivin' me wild.
(thinking) Great. Thanks.
That's enough. (They leave. George comes around the corner.)
Am I finally getting a baby brother?
No, she's great! She's.. attractive, she's fun..
What?
Why's he dating a Pepsi? They're not having children.
Shower?
No, 'yada yada' is good. She's very succinct.
Yeah, it got a good laugh. Let me just check my messages before we go.
But they not you aren't handicapped, aren't you ashamed?
So you never saw Last Tango in Paris?
We'll come to work with you.
You have a standard fake?
So, Puddy wear's a man fur?
Kramer!!!
Really? I thought things were going OK.
Uncle Leo.
T-bone, the ladies are gonna love ya.
I don't blame you. I blame myself.
Not a good sign.
 What does that mean, good dip?
I'd better call the car phone company, cancel my service.
Yeah. They're having a little fling so don't say anything.
Come on, it's just down the hall.
Believe me I didn't see anything.
George.
I have to go meet Nina. Want to come up to her lot, check out her paintings?
Don't you know? Look-look at your face! You only shaved the right side of your face! What is this? A joke?
(Continuing) ..Who, who proceeds to burn the man's cabin down with one of those very same cigars! (Topping off his observation) It's very comical..
Hey, see those two women over there? I almost dated the one on the right. She's in the closet business.
Unbelievable! She's not there.
Hey! How you doin'?
Sure.
Yeah, I'm wanting to get married *real* soon...
Say something funny.
You're just straightening up or you're cleaning?
Suave! And it's non-fat!
'Of course' was the last thing he said? 
You're not allowed to have people over? 
On your heart? 
You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you?
That's good, then I get the apartment for at least one night. You know I'm paying for this whole Paris trip it's their anniversary present.
Boy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion, plus you're back with Jake Jarmal.
I don't know.
Hey, isn't that George's father?
No. You?
He'll always be criticizing your brushing technique, it'll drive you crazy. (Mimics brushing his teeth) Away from the gums... (The door opens a little, George jangles the keys to his new car at Jerry and Elaine, then enters.)
Ah, she keeps it in my apartment for when she comes up from Florida.
 Come on, take them.  You could take Bonnie.
Well, there's this uh, woman might be comin' in.
Pamela? Do I know her?
There's more. The refrigerator.
Robert.
You're flesh and blood.
All right, so you're chewing your apple, you got your enthusiastic hi... Go ahead.
No, we have time.
(spits the nut) OooH!!! You. you ate these? You sucked on these and put them on the plate? 
Elaine, it's all this guy can do to keep from killing himself. You think he's back there, talking to the chef, going, 'Hey, they like the soup! Keep it up!'?
Yeah, but I've seen pictures of her.
So did you come up with a little stupid story for the Himalayan walking shoe yet?
All right, then. I'll see you later.
How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?
Really, you're getting that good?
Nah. It's not good for friends to talk about money, it can affect the friendship.
Fluff and Fold. The only way to live. (snapping fingers in tune with words) I drop it off. I pick it up. It's a delight. 
Huh.
Oh, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
(dry) He knows.
I don't think that's it.
Respect, admiration, prestige.
How about we leave and, come back in a week?</font>
Can I have a piece of that?
(Grabs his coat) Oh, this is really annoying.
No openings in arson?
Strange. For new pants, there's noticable wear on the buttocks of those chinos. Wait those are the clothes from the bag!
They're musicians. That's not a joke.
Stop it, George. Stop it. I'm sorry, you've gotta get a job.
Thin ice, George. Thin ice..
Hey.
(To Kramer) Would you stop it? You'll have plenty of time to destroy it after I get it. Hey, George, I'm buyin' this car. (Gestures to a black Saab) 
That's good.
Still no Puddy?
Elaine is having a 'houseguest.' She's picking him up at the airport tonight.
Who takes care of your boy during the day?
I don't wanna use your car.
Farfel?
Oh, computers, they're cracking down now on overdue books. The whole thing is completely ridiculous.
I've never been a guinea pig. I've been a sheep, a tody.
The' coup d&eacute;-toe'
Yeah, that sounds like somethin'...
What?
You have to know, you must know.
Move it! Move it! Get going!
She's not really the naked type.
Have you ever heard of egg salad?
Sure.
Why not?
I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV guide. I think uh, Holocaust is on.
Yeah?
He's always bragging about his vertical leap, so I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't touch the awning.
When you were with her you said you couldn't stand her.
Hey, how ya doin?
(Thinks) What does she say...?
Yeah. I really like her.
So, where am I dropping you?
Is it a good one?
No break?
I'll go if someone else drives. You going? 
Hey ya know I read an unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day, did you know the original title for 'War and Peace' was 'War--What Is It Good For?'!
Come on, try it! (Audrey shakes her head doing 'no') A little taste! (still shaking) Come on. (still shaking) 
At least you'll be talking.
No, gore-tex. It's new. (Checks his pockets.) Hey, look at this locket. What the hell is this? There's a picture in here, look at that.
Oh, that's gold, baby.
I know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a letter of intent.
Ah, I should have got the egg white omelet.
Uh - new car!
Deduct a minimum of two days off all expiration dates. (He uses the umbrella to point to certain compartments in the fridge.) No meat, no leftovers, no butter. (He closes the fridge.) And I cannot overstate this: No soft cheeses of any kind. Is that clear?
And you're sure the floss was the catalyst?
Well, no. Sharon Besser, of course.
I'm worried I won't be able to talk to him. He's such a great writer. Frankly, I prefer the company of nitwits.
I slid the rent under your door, Harold. Did you get it?
She might be. She's the star of the show.
Hey, I got a real thing about 'shushing'!
No one's ever asked. You want it? It's 'Jor-El.'
Really? What would you do?
Elaine, you should admire me...I'm aspiring to date a giving person.
Oh.
No, he's doing mine next. They're low flow you know.
Uh-huh.
She did?
Because he thinks I was lying and I want to show him I wasn't.
1:15.
(George enters) Oh, why you havin' a party?  
I need a can of balls.
She's not Lincoln.
What look?
Jenna's like me. She's very... (searches for word)
Musicians. Get a real job.
Yeah, it's like you're dating USA Today. (Tim the dentist enters Monk's)
After two dates!
Too bad. It was erotic.
Of course. It's garbage.
And shopping.
(Notices an attractive woman walking by, starts to follow her) That's neat.
And, of course, you find fur morally reprehensible.
So......Susan's dead.....
Well what is it?
Did I just see that?!
They heard I opened for Kenny Rogers once.
Look at this guy. He's trying to box me out.
OK, I blame you.
The dog? The dog??
It's George. Wait 'til he hears we're going to the library
 There's girls everywhere.  I go out of my apartment, there's girls in the elevator.  They're in cafeterias, subways, so what?
Yeah, he's probably driving it right now.
You don't. He's a recovering alcoholic.
I'll give you 50 cents.
No, did you?
Sorry, the flight was delayed, how long've you been waiting?
There's nothing to get.
Go look at your face in the mirror.
Well, George doesn't think $13,000 is enough money.
(Persisting) No, no, we put this off long enough. Today's the day.
What is it your business?
The works for the NYU school newspaper. She's a grad student in journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, has no idea who I am.
Wow!
How could you not like the Drake?
Ah..........
You do the tub?
Doctor? He's a podiatrist. 
Look at this
She wouldn't so much as taste it.
Boy, you really got it all, I'm sure Helen 'Girlie' Brown would be very proud of you.
Oh.
I've never seen him in Manhattan before; it's weird. So out of context.
Oh, what about this one? Look at this, this is it! This is what I'm looking for. (Sits on the couch.) Oh, yeah!
Hi.
 What do you think?
I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan?
Oh yeah, right...
I told you when I met her.
And?
Ah, she's starting to slip a little. Sometimes she has Difficulty distinguishing between the past and the present.
Soo... 
How 'bout the march out?
Yep, Alec Berg. He's got a good 'John Houseman' name. Alec Beeerg. Mr. Beeerg.
I think I'd rather go out on a deaf date than a blind date. The question is whether you'd rather date the blind or the deaf.
What marathon runner?
Bye shmoopy.
Geoffrey who?
And I'm always impressed.
Wait a sec. I don't wanna do -- 
No. nothing.
Star Trek II.
What does that mean?
I suppose if it was on the prot&eacute;g&eacute;'s way to the mentor, they might.
(Disgusted) What is with that?!
How did you know about that?
What? The Cadillac I bought for you?
He asked you to watch them not wear them.
Oh, I thought we had tickets for the Knicks home opener.
(Gestures to his forehead) You're getting that vein again. 
Solid.
What? About you datin' a black guy? What's the big deal?
And then?
What is so bad about having a little piece of cake?
No no. I'm just saying.
Nothing. It's a fine car. What if you wanna use it?
All right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, you're taking the IQ test.
Yeah!
You got something in your teeth there.
I'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that train (yawns)
Elaine, the guy could be dangerous.
Well, I'm not telling you.
Is that my towel?
He did?
I've gotta to tell you about existence of egg salad?
Hello.
She's pretty. She's not beautiful.
Come on up.
He didn't come within two feet of the thing. He's wavin at it... So, I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he wouldn't have to pay me anything.
You said goin up the steps of her apartment was like being taken to a cell.
I don't know.
What? Don't say that!
This guy's got quite a racket. I take you to dinner and then drop you off at his apartment...
George? (walks away to talk privately. George, still casual, taps on Jerry's shoulder) I don't have a lot of experience with this acting stuff. But from what I can gather, they're a little touchy about being told how to say the lines.
Commando 8?
So, what did you do?
So after the sucking, comes the weaning.
You're bringing a date to a party? 
'I want you to have this job, of course sodomy is a prerequisite.' 
No, no... I'm not kidding Elaine it's true, his mistress didn't like the title and insisted that he change it to 'War and Peace'!
No, I haven't worn this jacket since I got it back from the dry-cleaner. Maybe we should ask him.
Hey Alec
I was saying 'baby' way before George!
She's makin' the three o'clock train.
Speaking of having it all ... Where were you?
Why did you give him MY number?
What do you need a hammer for?
The omelet. Damn.
Hey! Did you get the Volvo?
Oh, Bruline. Newman's got the same one.
One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual activity: Strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a big favour. Do it in the tub.
You don't think it might've had anything to do with that?
I've been thinking about asking this girl I'm, uh, seeing-
What is this?
Yeah.
Ahh.
Discount?
Of course. C'mon Georgie, you wanna tell me. It's eating you up inside. Sing it, sister.
Hmm.
That's why I should date a giving person. If I date a taking person, everyone's taking, taking, taking, no one's giving - it's bedlam.
Yes, it is. It is surprising. Does that bother you?
Hi.
So? Wheels?
But if you go back with me , then I'm not.
What's with you?
(Noting) You know, I've never seen you drive.
I gotta go meet Pam.
Like with dogs.
I'll pass.
I'm feelin' a bit queasy myself. Maybe I'll see you in another five years. (casually leaves)
I gave a look?
I'll take fastidious.
Hey, George, you know Tim Whatley.
Seven.
They did it for three years. What's another few months.
No more crutches, that must be a relief.
'Pottery Barn'?
Yeah, at least in the dumpster behind the Smithsonian.
'Till she found out Elaine slept with the groom.
Back together?
Why'd you have to say anything to her?
Ah, alright, four. Seinfeld.
Oh, I had that comin' to me.
Oh, calm down, maroon Golf. He thinks I cut him off. He accelerated.
He's from a.. Yakima, right?
What was I supposed to do? You knew I was on my first date with Elaine. You come barging in here asking me to contribute money for a volcano relief fund for krakatoa.
But, you know, what if, you know?
(to speaker) Coming down.
Five o'clock.
 Got it.
Are you serious?
Yeah. He's been off the wagon for two years.
Come on. Fifty cents. (??) a piece of Drake's coffee cake
Why?
Oh I can't believe-- why don't you get rid of that piece of junk.
She does a lot of abstract stuff. In fact she's painting Kramer right now.
(pressing intercom) yeah?
(Agreeing) C'mon. It's not even a house - it's, like, a cabin.
She reorganizes your closet and shows you how to maximize your closet space. She looked into my closet.
Where? 
Y'know, you've been developing quite the acid-tongue lately...
Y'know I have some friends who try and base their whole life on that principle.
On your knees, Ajax, hands scrubbin', the whole deal?
(Stopping the notion) What's that?
Anyone can get into podiatry school. George got into podiatry school. 
(eating pop corn) hmm I love this artificial flavoring I like it better than butter I think it's more consistent 
No. She wouldn't say anything. She just kept shaking her head like this (Imitating Audrey) 
Hey, Al.
Isn't that cute, a 'thank you' card from Kristin.
I believe he is wearing a cape.
New couch, baby!
Yeah, that's why I said 'hi'.
 Yeah, sleeping arrangements.  So, you haven't, uh...
I thought I told you about it, yes, she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing... 
(quickly) No.
You gotta go to my chiropractor, he's the best.
Well, the man's an individualist ' he worked for Harry Flemming. He knows what he's doing.
This is beautiful. These jackets never fit me right.
Great day in the morning.
Like toothpaste?
No ,no I don't, I mean, Don't be silly.. 
John Houseman?
Oh, wait! Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul! Isn't he the guy who overslept at the Olympics 4 years ago and missed the marathon?!
Awright, fine. You wanna see it?
Well, they were humiliated. I mean after the impeachment, my father left office in disgrace.
(to George) Problems with the house guest?
I don't wanna mix in everything! My guys don't know your guys. You can't just lock 'em all in the same machine together. They'll start a riot. 
Right. Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap him up in a towel, and they shoot him out the bowel of the ship in that big sunglasses case.
(dry) He knows.
Oh, he's having a heart attack.
It's not a valet, it's a prot&eacute;g&eacute;.
Wow. Kenny Rogers Roasters. Finally open. Hey, look at the size of that neon chicken on the roof.</font>
(Takes out his key to unlock the unit door) Where is your key?
He can't do that.
Aw, c'mon, you love that car. What about the Northstar system?
What is that?
A little slow. I've got to hold this guy's hand on every little decision.
You look like a tourist.
What? All right, fine.
(Gesturing to George) You believe this guy? He holds a grudge like Khomeini.
Are you sure you don't need a hand with that?
Hi, I'm Jerry.
(Trying to quiet George down) It'll be twenty minutes. I told ya, Puddy's getting me an insider deal. 
Always popular.
Darryl. He's black, isn't he?
Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, you say goodnight and walk off.
Why aren't you there now?
Oh I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable. I'm talking about the ones that forge `em.
Who thinks you're smart?
Nothin'.....nothing at all.
It's green.
That smells good, what is that?
Oh, so there's still hope.
I'm not yella. (In a cowboy voice)
Nope. I don't think so.
Hey, did you ever pretend there's like, murderers chasing you, and you try and see how fast you can get your keys out and get into your apartment?
How come you didn't tell me?
I've gotta call the police, there's a pay phone over there.
I think that's a little extreme.
This thing has never worked right. (holding the machine in his hand)
I don't know
Timed out perfectly. Drop off the car, pick up the rental car shuttle, we walk right on the plane...
You know, if we bring Elaine in, it's going to be so many people to keep track of. It's gonna be too hard, I'll forget where everybody's standing, you, me, Kramer, the butler, it's too much.
How do you know?
So, is tonight 'the night'?
The Drake is good!
We're acting. (they stop laughing)
I don't know, but they don't seem to like it. By the way how am I doing?
Well, you gotta wean.
A party is a bad date situation. It doesn't matter who you're with. You could be with J. Edgar Hoover. You don't want to sit and talk with Hoover all night. You want to circulate. (Makes hand motions) Ho, ho, ho. 
(picks it up) I was having coffee, I put it on the coffee table. 
That's were they got it from!
Yeah. What do you want to get for breakfast?
Well, this guy Leonard Christian's gonna be there tomorrow night.
I bought him some kishka.
Oh, the beach.
I wonder if any woman ever said that about Einstein?
Oh, yeah! I wanna see that. Bring it over.
No.
He's fantastic.
Yeah, one sec.
It looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.
Vanessa, thank you. I've been thinking about asking her to go away for a couple of days.
Get a march goin'! March it! (She exits)
What is this? What are we doing? What in god's name are we doing?
You know, I think, I would rather date the deaf.
What if my life depended on it?
I'm sorry.
Oh, I'll tell her I met some guy who knew her and he gave it to me.
Sure. Why not? You're there.
Hi.
Uh, I don't think so.
Beautiful.
Wow.That's hot.
You know, like mechanic's pants, a shirt that said 'Tony'. Lemme ask you something, have you ever seen a case like this before?
Okay. I'm just not ga-ga over her. For once I'd like to be ga-ga.
What kind of look?
What's up?
Like what?
Not with a cane?
Oh, it's just this stupid thing.
Come on, Kramer, get out of there.
Ah...
You might want to get a look at that bathing suit drawer.
Why can't you ever keep your big mouth shut?
Everybody's moving to Seattle.
(about the massage)You know I think this is really helping.
I find the whole thing very embarrassing.
The dog?
I gotta go to the library. You want to go?
You're not late.
 I got isobutane-20.
I don't even know if I remember the number.
I think it's off the wagon.
Oh, I'm paying for breakfast?
I don't get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?
So you have no car?
She sees something in him.
Come on up.
We're going to sign it. We're going to sign it. In fact George is out with the woman from NBC right now.
(Blunt) Well, maybe not us, but two men could.
Yeah.
'Glamour'? 
George, I don't know if that is such a good idea?
(looking behind the counter) Hey, is that Babu? It is! (walking over) Hey, Babu!
Nobody you know...
Okay, I think you're in love!
what? 
Yeah. (pointing at Elaine as he goes into the bedroom)
No. She carries Entemanns doughnuts in her purse. 
Call me when the pencil comes in Okay?
Well, it is good cape weather. Cool. Breezy.
I love this couch. You know what the best part about it is? It doesn't fold out, so no one can sleep over.
I thought Consumer said Volvo was the car.
Thanks. It's Hounds-Tooth.
 Aah.
(looks in the creamer) There's no milk in here, what...
(a lightbulb goes on in his head) Riverside Drive.
I'm gonna make an appointment for you. We'll go together.
Sure, it's like robbing a bank. You don't loiter around in front of the teller holding that big bag of money. You come in, you hit and get out.
There's a squeeze ketchup.
It's just... 
Yeah, maybe.
He's from uh...Trinidad and Tobago, right?
No. We gotta go to the soup place.
Okay.
Well, this is the problem. They're moving into this new development. Here's the pamphlet. Del Boca Vista. But they're not quite ready to go back so they're in seclusion here for a while at Uncle Leo's.
No. I can't say as I have. 
Yeah...
Why don't you try your engagement story?
C'mon.
(checking out George's textbook) Risk management?
He is the gambler.</font>
You know, Kramer, I rented out half of my space to you.
Well, it's a gift and I want you to keep it.
Does it ever bother you that this organization-
Hey.
When you hear like a soft russeling.
No, I love a good Chinese Spanish whatever it is.
Oh, and she cooks dinner onstage for some celebrity?
Did you give blood?
Why don't you just throw 'em out?
I can't believe we went all the way to India for a wedding!
I guess he graduated. 
You have an airtight case!
That's the way they do it in Vegas.
You know, I shouldn't go out with a friend of yours. I foresee messiness.
You don't have to whisper. She knows she's a maid.
So what would you do? You'd hitch?
Let go, Farfel! Let go, gimme that! Gimme the sneaker you stupid idiot! Shut up! (to Elaine) So what would you do?
What thing?
Who you calling?
Did you bump into anybody you knew?
What do I say if he picks up?
The *beach*?
Oh, so hopelessness is the key.
I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't want to have.
(to baby) Hello. How are you/
Wait, he stopped, he's parking.
Not today, pal.
Oh. I see. There he is! (Pretends the murderers are coming.)
But you can never keep a secret.
I don't have any change. You've got any change?
Well, first of all Elmer Fudd is one of the most beloved internationally known cartoon characters of all time. 'I'm going to kill that cwazy wabbit ... hahahahahaaa ' Come on. Not only that, a juicer is one of the healthiest ways ... (Naomi exits) it makes the juice ... it extracts the-the pulp and-and-and the vitamins, for-for long life and-and-and vitality.
Well it?s very flattering. How did you get these tickets, I heard they're impossible to get.
Hey! Wait up!
Alright. (They tear the pages out of their notepads. Kramer enters.)
Living or all time?
What're you gonna do down there?
I'm not bragging, I happen to have a very keen lesbian eye. (A woman walks by Jerry and Elaine.) Hi, how ya doin.' (Jerry jerks a thumb at the woman to confirm his talent. Elaine is skeptical.)
Oooh! Bay-bee *doll*!
No.
Why would he steal a box of raisins?
Well I would think, with the law enforcement and the cross dressing. Seems like an interesting guy. 
You know, Kramer's gonna clean up on this place.
So if you call and ask if you have the job, you might lose the job. 
Oh hi. 
I'm not joking!
Oh now, c'mon, you know I'm getting pancakes.
He's a writer from Entertainment Weekly . I would like to have a good show.
It's kind of a stuffed meat thing. Israeli soldiers carry it. In case they're captured behind enemy lines, they eat it and it kills them.
What is it that isn't working?
She works for PBS, I met her when I agreed to do that pledge drive.
Nah, I don't think so.
Not possible.
(to Kramer) Who is it?
This may be the most perfect jacket I have ever put on.
Why?
She died? Mrs. Hudwalker died?
OUR LIVES!! . What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men.
Because I think the blind would probably be a little messier around the house. And lets face it they're not going to get all the crumbs. I'd possibly be walking around with a sponge.
I really didn't pay much attention, I'd just come from buying a speedboat.
But you said he was just coming out of a very serious relationship. Maybe he's, you know, still....kind of...he...not gonna happen.
Here, check that out.
I'll be back on Monday.
So, set it up. You know what, we could have dinner at the Friars Club.
Had I been taking...?
Hi, Beth!
She's having Carol, Gail and Lisa over. You know they all have kids now?
What happened?
Then what was it?
They don't actually have to squeeze his head to get him to say 'holy cow', do they?
Excuse me?
I've always wanted to do that...
That is a sad story. Hey, you should have been here tonight. Some guy from NBC saw my set, he wants me to do a showcase. I might have another shot at a pilot.
(doing the voice) No-o-o-o.
(moans) Ohhh (walks away)
We might as well just stay here, we haven't got that much time if we wanna make it to the movie.
Isn't he, Elaine?
So she's giving me the massage and I'm just making conversation.
Yeah, tha's easy when you have no income.
 You got  sorbitant sesquioliate?
Nah, I don't go for these non-refundable deals. I can't commit to a woman. I'm not going to commit to an airline.
So what good are you?
George-
You mean, you didn't know you were doing any of these things?
How could you leave a message like that on my machine.?
What, you got a problem with the pen now?
So, she mentioned she had a boyfriend and then it hit me. What do I need more closet space for? (Across the room) Hi, Marla.
So, what did she do? 
You need some professional advice. Why don't you go see Elaine's friend? She's a therapist.
Look at you, you got the job.
Why don't you put it in the *bank*?
Boy, do you smell something?
Elaine, look. I drew this triangle free-hand. It's a doodle. It's perfect!
Tub is love.
All right.
Sounds like a jerk. Felt your material, come on.
The only thing I can think of is I told her we should have those moving walkways all over the city. 
Why does Mr. Pitt prefer a pencil to a pen anyway? Hey. Look who's here.
You're right; it is strange. In fact, let's cross to the other side of the street. Cover me.
Alright. Seems like...a strange choice.
Oh yes, it really accentuates my bust line.
 The Dentist?
Oh, she's really great. I mean, she's got like a real warmth about her and she's really bright and really pretty and uh... the conversation though, I mean, it was... talking with her is like talking with you, but, you know, obviously much better.
Well, what is it?
You should just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion! Right off!
First of all, I made plans with Elaine.
How much is it?
Well, if they make squeeze mustard, doesn't it stand to reason that they make squeeze ketchup?
That's the understudy. I'm dating her.
How do you oversleep at the Olympics...?
My foot fell asleep.
What?
I thought he screwed up the Dinkins campaign.
No, Leo's not there. He's got a girlfriend, Lydia. In fact, he moved in with her.
All right. Put 'em on top. 
So it's over?
Are you sure?
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Well what makes them think you're a risk management expert?
Try and stay calm.</font>
(Picks one up) Mail bags? He's storing mail in here?
Wh..why didn't you tell me before you sold it?
is beating the bushes-
You're gonna keep these here for eight months?!
Oh right, the new job, how is it?
I get peeved.
In case of what?
(taking a catalog) Can I have one? I need one of those old-looking phones. So you wanna grab a bite?
(To Kramer) Thank you. 
Kramer said it's a perfect gift. That's what we're gettin' him.
What did you wanna be?
I'm afraid we're out of time.
I hear things.
Hey, speaking of tomato sauce, you want to come with me and George to Mario's Pizza?
I hired her from a service!
Well, from what I can piece together, our friend here met a gentleman.
I don't know. 25 bucks a day.
STOP IT! SHUT UUUUUUP!!! (to Elaine) Do you believe this? Do you believe what I'm dealing with here, I've got a wild animal in the house! He's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw.
Where's George
Oh, Oh, the IQ thing...yeah.
China really?
How'd it go?
Hello? Is this 555-8383?
What am I doing here? Ba-boom (holding out a present)
All right
Yes. I do love her. (to baby) You have a very nice place here.
I'll tell you one thing, this chauffeur's gonna be waiting a while, O'Brien's not showing up.
Uh, excuse me, uh, I was uh, driving behind you, uh, a few blocks back, and I, I couldn't help, uh, maybe you didn't realize, uh, I witnessed that, uh, um, you're tire's a little low. That can affect the performance of the twin high-beam suspension, not to mention your rack and pinion steering.
Now see? Just saying beg doesn't make it a real beg. You gotta put some beg into it.
The murderers! (Jerry unlocks his door and they both run inside.)
Well, you've come a long way.
Well, we need change and all I have is twenties.
I don't know, opera, it?s not my kind of thing.
Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev.
That's what I do with him [points at George]
Yes, they do!
Yeah, I saw the spot.
That woman is absolutely stunning. 
He invested in it.
You might have the job, but you'll never know it. What kind of company is it? 
What's the big rush? 
Yes, I'll be stopping. 
What?
But we can't both get pancakes, it's embarrassing. It's like one step from the couples who dress alike.
(pointing to napkins; to Elaine) Could I get napkin over there?
Yeah.
Yeah, in fact she said that you could be one of those people that sits in the back and answers the phone.
Just, uh, plop it on the counter there.
Who is it?
You better find that grape before it mutates into another life form. There was once a mutant grape that terrorized an entire town in the Texas panhandle. They brought in the army, nobody could stop it. Apparently it had a pit of steel.
Oh! man did you see that. I ate discarded food. 
What for?
Hi, Alec.
We come up with all these stupid reasons to break up with these women.
He's always raving. I finally got a chance to go there the other day, and I tell you this, you will be stunned.
See, we're already off the subject of how I got her number. (Elaine laughs.) All I gotta do is get past the first phone call and I'm home free.
What stuff?
I told you.
Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Alright, I'll see you.
Yeah, I'm thinking of joining. Pat Cooper said he would put me up for membership.
So know every time you get dressed. You are going to go down to the basement and use the dryer.
W-well, what does it matter? It's my car, I can do whatever I want with it.
Perpetuation of the species.
Six weeks?
Fantastic.
Well, you're the big look expert. I wanna see how smart you are.
Well... (Thinking of something to say) Welcome aboard.
You mean golf?
We? No.
Why now?
Tatiana...
Hey.
Neither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored.
Hi
Of course we'll hit traffic. It's rush hour.
 I have aloe!
Why do I always pay? What am I made of money? You bunch of deadbeats.
You joined the *Polar Bears*?!
Hi.
So I wound up going out for a decaf cappuccino with her.
I bet this is from that kick from that crazy Joe Davola. You better see a doctor and get some X-rays.
Because I didn't think anyone would leave it!
Alright, let's just get to work. (They both move into the living room - ready to start writing their script. Jerry sits down) NBC Pilot, Seinfeld project. Act I, Scene A.
George, Marla.
Uh, JFK. [To Elaine] I need some small bills for a tip. You got anything?
No, no no [Elaine enters, flossing teeth] Elaine what's the name of that friend of yours ... that's a therapist ... the woman.
Oh, I didn't do anything.
Hey.
*Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it...
What is it?
Easy?
(to George) He wants to play Kramer in the Pilot.
So there you are. You've got a nice girl and a clean apartment.
Yeah.
Oh, what do you think? I found it at the back of my closet.
Yeah. 
Like Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower.
Oh! I got a message. (presses button on answer machine)
Wait till you see it, it's perfect. The guy told me it's one of a kind, they stopped making it.
 Oh, no.  I explained the whole thing to him, he was fine with it.
Oh, nothing happened, you know, but is was great.
Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here.
Hi.
I don't even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, I've met them three times in my life.
Bad? (Elaine nods.) Very bad?
I really don't see the difference.
Yeah.
I mean, it's like the biggest event of your life! You'd think you'd have, like, 6 alarm clocks, payin'-off little kids in the village to come banging on your door...
I crossed my legs, I forgot to alternate.
Yeah, I know. It devalues the whole thing.
Oh, beautiful. 
Not that I would think of doing such things.
All right, so uh, let's do something later. How 'bout a movie?
I know what this is. You saw that show on PBS last night, Coronary Country. (To Elaine) I saw it in the TV Guide. I called him and told him to make sure and not watch it.
Hello?
to basically give this money away-
Why didn't you pull over?
Kramer, you're gonna leave these chairs here for two and a half years?!
So who's the new you?
All right. You know this girl Clare I am seeing?
Miffed.
(To Elaine) he thought he still had a shot.
Are we finished?
So call now.
Hey! How'd it go with the cocktail franks?
All right. Calm down. 
Cheapness is not a sense.
I don't either.
What's his last name?
They're closing. We're going for one last slice.
Thank you. Nice job.
Who was in town on a business venture, and um..
Look at this place. He's going everywhere, I can't go out of the house at night. I haven't performed in three days. This'll be my first night out of the house since I got back.
What'd ya get?
What for?
Can I ask you a question?
Hey keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you.
All right
He was in Chicago, the flight was overbooked, wouldn't let him on the plane. He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square Garden.
Alright, I'll tell you, but your begging needs a lot of work.
Did you see the look on that guy's face?
Hey listen, the Tonight Show called me, they want me to come out and do the show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to LA. You wanna go?
So, break it.
Oh thank you very much.
No, wait a minute, wait a minute, that?s not fair, what about George, Susan and Elaine, what do you need me for?
A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs. Have you ever seen her naked in the locker room?
(quietly) Hello, Mrs. Costanza.
George...
Not the Croat, the lineswoman. That is the most beautiful lineswoman I've ever seen. 
Yeah. We've been coming here everyday. This is so fuck(bleeped)ing good.
Oh.
Who? 
See you later. (to Elaine) Well we can't all be dating podiatrists. (Elaine laughs)
Ah, that's why I love ya. 15-9. (They go out into the hallway and run into Kramer and his African-American girlfriend, Anna.) Hey, how ya doin.'
That's alright, I got it.
No, it's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer work. All the money goes to the station.
Hey, could you wait until the man finishes?
Lannie, how was the trip?
(to the phone) Hello? (disappointed) Oh, hi Joel. (Jerry hits Kramer with a magazine.) No. Uh, I was out of town. I just got back. Kramer doesn't know anything. He's just my next-door neighbor. Uh, nothing much... Tuesday? Uh, Tuesday, no. I'm meeting somebody... Uh, Wednesday? Wednesday's okay... All right. Uh, I'm a little busy right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning?... Okay... Yeah... Right... Thanks... Bye. (Jerry hangs up; to Kramer) Why did you put me on the phone with him? I hate just being handed a phone.
(in an attempted Scottish accent) Come on, try it. Let me hear you try a Scottish accent.
Yeah, but with you it's intentional. 
Isn't putting this guy's picture on your desk a little transparent?
Yeah.
Are you kidding? You know my friend Elaine?
Are we going to be sitting here when we're sixty like two idiots?
Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit.
You can't eat this soup standing up, your knees buckle.
So if Billy had gotten your number off the AIDS walk list, you wouldn't have gone out with him?
All right. What are you, outta your mind? Look at this. What did you buy here? You will never be able to finish all this stuff.
(taking back the check) Oh yeah.
(putting the phone back to his ear) Yeah.
(answering phone) Hello?
Catnap?
This stuff on top is my friends. Could I get it done in a separate machine? 
I got a date with Nikki.
By the way, just for the record -
Seth! Wow what has it been like five years?</font>
Well, so what? you've gone six weeks before.
You're still doing that?
(exasperated) Ugh.
What?
Check these out. These are Jerry Lewis' old cufflinks that he actually wore in the movie 'Cinderfella'. I got 'em at an auction.
Oh, I didn't get the insurance.
I kinda like those sticks. I'd like to get them in my house.
There is no other way in New York. Everybody goes every way all the time.
 Where do they make yours?
Gina, do you know what a Drake's Coffee Cake is?
You know, I really liked her. We talked. We flirted. And when she left, she reached out and touched my arm.
Well, now she's not going away for this weekend.
(Wanting to get started) Just - just park yourself. (George reluctantly sits on the sofa) Alright. Act I, Scene A.
What did you do? 
Gimme ten.
Right, Dana Folley.
Come on.
Who?
What, do you break it in with her, then you try it out on me?
Yes I did.
What?
Sexual?
Tell me about it! 
Ya.
Hi Julie.
Nothing, the moving guys are taking it. Why, you want it?
You bought a car because it belonged to Jon Voight?
You loaned her Pitt's racquet?
 Yeah, I blamed it on you.  Hi Tim.
Oh yeah, I knew.
Yeah.
I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I have on Saturday.
I have some idea.
It's subtle.
I'm glad she's an understudy. I don't have to avoid going back stage and having to think of something to say.
Yeah, he seems pretty happy.
Ah...that's a big responsability on your hands.
Hey Fred.
Oh, then I'm not worried.
Boy.. imagine.. liking wigs to the point it becomes a career choice.
Well uh, whatever you can do. Thanks.
He's gonna show up anyway.
No. All you got to do is jiggle it with this screwdriver. 
(To Elaine) He saw that show on anorexia last year, and ate like an animal for two weeks.
to virtually anyone, as long as they're not you?
Oh hi Alex.
Killed?
Well, he and I starting joking that when she falls asleep her stomach stays awake all night and talks to me.
Irked?
What ever happened with the shirt?
That's him.
Still with the neck hole?
Didn't you call in sick yesterday?
I had a great time at the last one. I was in charge of the music. I turned that mother out.
So did I do a terrible thing?
It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.
Yeah.
How was it?
So they went out a few times, but apparently, when the fellow returned home, he discovered that the Benes tattoo does not wash off so easily.
I'm in the middle of a story.
Kramer dating your room mate. It's funny.
Do I what?
This woman's completely ignoring me.
What do you say?
Hair?
What do you need a job, you got Audrey.
Did you steal my car?
Under the sofa cushion.
Yeah... So's shock therapy.
He's joking.
Yeah, right.
He, he, he. (Simulating her feminine laugh)
I loaned the car to George.
Kramer! What the hell are you doing here?!
Yeah, in fact we could track down Kramer. I always felt bad about the way he left, you know? That was a mess. I never should have taken back those keys.
So, buy something.
Really? Wow.
Well I guess if I?m the Miana I should go. All right, all right.
Stacey.
Oh, well, then I can't accept your testimony. Maybe if you had seen her naked.
Do you like the Drake?
So you're tunneling to the center of the Earth? (Elaine laughs silently)
(taps on the window) Hey...
(to Elaine) Where's Kramer? Shouldn't he be here by now.
B.L.? 
Oh, I'm sorry.
But you like your Joel Rifkin. 
Eh, eh, ah. Winona's gonna be there? 
Hey, is that my maple syrup? Oh, ya. (Kramer hands it over.)
What happened?
You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cuz salmon swim against the current, (hand motion of the salmon swimming against the current) and the tuna swim with it. (hand motion of the tuna swimming with it)
Elaine, stop it.
Yeah, and one of those foam beer can holders.
Let me call him back... Hello? Who is this? Donna Chang? Oh, I'm sorry, I must o' dialed the wrong number.
Hey, guess what? Remember that woman you saw me with the other day? You know, she used to be an Olympic gymnast?
Maybe I didn't want to talk to him.
What stock?
Irish, Scottish, what's the difference, lassie?
I am not going back down there. I can't face that guy again.
Yeah, but this is different , this is like ,you know, semi digested food stuff. You know the next stop is the stomach and you can take it from there. 
Yeah, hey did I see you on TV at the Ranger game? Were those your seats right behind the glass?
It's not promised to anybody? 'Cause she'd take it in a second.
We're pathetic... you know that?
A healthy person.
There's only one caveat -- the guy who runs the place is a little temperamental, especially about the ordering procedure. He's secretly referred to as the Soup Nazi.
Ah, how about 8:30?
Yeah. So you really like this guy.
A four-pound can of black olives? That's a staple?
Yeah, we'll see ya.
What?
Bye.
You gotta be there at 4:30.
(deadpan) That must be some book.
Whatever it costs. In fact, I would prefer it if the machines are not even touching each other. Because something could, you know, jump across. 
She's also quite bold.
What's coming?
Yeah, you in?
So get this book on tape.
So when do I meet this jerk?
You wanna grab lunch?</font>
Well, so, are you gonna break up with her?
When you feel guilty.
Kramer.
I don't know.
Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's already making Jewish jokes.
What for?
The boom box incident?
(To Kramer) All right, we're goin' in. 
No, Jerry Lewis is gonna be at this Friar's Club roast I'm goin' to next week. Now I have an in to strike up a conversation with him.
I think he's black.
Where did you get this?
What?
You got the picnic and burger traffic.
 White Plains.
[with glee] What is that, a Pez dispenser?!
How much do they cost?
You know who that is? That's
Nah, it's better anyway. I mean really. What was going to happen? I'm a comedian. How can I go out with a girl with a laugh like that? I mean izz-it's like ah, it's like Coco Chanel goin' out with a fish monger. You know, cause she's with all the perfumes and a fish monger's pretty bad smell.
No, no thank you.
Well, we got three bags.
Did you talk to her?
It *can't* be. Nobody has B.O. like this.
Nothing.
Below the equator?
How did you get in? 
The fabric of society is very complex George.
Your mother reads your mail?
They could at least try it. 
Me?
Well, I'm sure that they can deliver it to your apartment.
I think yes, yes. You like the idea of telling people you're driving Jon Voight's car.
Hi oh.
 Ah, just a couple of gals out on the town, shopping and gabbing.
He told me a few months ago.
Yeah.
Y'know, my parents are coming in for this...
If I wind up sitting next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. He's always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess it's because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.
I've got a ballpark.
Well what about me?
(looking ahead) Yeah, there she is. Uh-oh.
'Why. You took a shower?'
Just once I would like to tell someone they stink. You know what? I doidn't like the show. I didn't like you. It just really stunk. The whole thing...real bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets though.
What's the matter?
You gotta wake him up!
My foot fell asleep.
Spread out, spread out you numbskulls. Why don't you just settle it like mature adults?
(together -- with arms extended -- palms upwards)  Stan The Caddy.
He pulled an LBJ on you.
What are you doing? 
So what do you want? You want me take you to the hospital?
No.
I don't see you as a Susie. Sharon maybe.
No.
Yeah, killed. Because I killed first and warmed up the crowd. He's like that fish that attaches himself to the shark.
Well, her belly button is like a mouth. (doing the voice) I'm bored. Talk to me.
What do you think? They gave me a new car for thirty minutes of 'So, who's from out of town?'
(Pleading) George, I'm sorry.
(Notices George brought hhis mail) You're gonna open your mail here?
Hey.
I couldn't have dinner with him. 'Plan 9 from Outer Space', one night only, the big screen. My hands are tied!
Plus he probably doesn't even know how to program the buttons.
(Sarcastic) Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend a lot of time in there.
Yeah. They should make a movie about all the Hindenburg flights that made it.
You're not paying for it.
Yes, I pick it up.
Eventually a little shot of penicillin
1409, that's a good score.
Done what?
What's the matter?
 Girls.  There's girls right here in the store.  Look, look, there's one over there.  Look, there's another one.  Soon as I walk outside there'll be girls out there.  What's the matter?
You did?!
It's your Christmas present.
He's definitely in Chicago.
Let's not even analyze it.
George and Elaine went to a flea market in Westchester, okay?!
All right, that's it. Hand 'em over.
All taken care of.
I don't know, some mints or TicTacs.
I'd be very interested in something like that.
Hi!
George, Stacey.
[indignantly] What's the matter with you?
Well, I do.
Ya, 1397.
Hey
Ask him to change it. 
(interested) Really? 
(acting like Joey) Wouldn't you like to pass the ketchup to someone like me? Please?
I'm sorry.
Oh, go ahead.
(is redialing) I should've talked to her; I love Chinese women.
Yeah, she's Romanian, she won a silver at the '84 Olympics.
Yeah.
Oh, OK. Next time lets play ping pong. It's easier to jump over the net.
I'm not looking.
He bothers me. I don't even answer the phone anymore because of him. He's turned me into a screener. Now I gotta go see him on Wednesday.
Maybe.
The doorman. I don't wanna play anymore of his mindgames. What time does he get off?
AH. Yes that's gonna make a big difference. 
Oh, I'd love to, are you sure?
Why can't I be normal?
Oh, sorry
He yells and you don't get your soup.
You want to get something to eat first?
How's the...sexual chemistry?
A forty-eight pack of Eggo waffles? A gallon of barbecue sauce? Ten pounds of cocktail meatballs?
I never shoulda told you.
Yeah, well they tape it in the afternoon and then they air it at 11:30.
Just imagine how much more you'll accomplish.
How did you know I was here? 
Ahhh...The Day..
Isn't that what Jack Ruby said?
Who?
Seth, it's me. What's more important than catching up with an old college buddy?</font>
What guys?
No. Things pop into your head. You?
Booze is not a religion.
Really, why d'you think they're taking you out to lunch?
She says I suppress my emotions.
Asked you? You're not going to do that are you?
And it was his idea to put a sprig of parsley on the plate.
Seems reasonable.
Oh, that'll intrigue him.
You sure have a lot of friends. How come I never see any of these people?
Notice what? She's not really even a maid.
So, he's coming in to stay with her for a week.
Well it's not like it's a really funny story or anything.
Look at my hands. Look. Filthy from the paper. You know, they should give you a Wet-nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints.
Yeah, that's him.
I was saying the same thing.
From that woman at NBC?
Yeah but if I ask Elaine, then Kramer will feel slighted.
Act I, Scene A..
That's what they get!
So what happened?
But the whole car smells.
No.
Nobody does. You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.
That's Barry Prophet, he's our accountant.
Who is it?
who do you think she is? how dare she? you want me to get the manager? too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with flashlights anymore we'd flush her out 
What do you mean like post-cards an...?
What's the harm? 
You got a lot to learn about pancakes.
Hey did you notice they moved where they do the interview on Jeopardy now?
Yeah, well that relationships really got a lot of potential.
 Hey.  How would you like to go to the Super Bowl?
I don't know.
Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe we'll get together. 
Yeah, tomorrow.
Yeah. He talks about him like he split the atom. The kid works for the Parks Department.
Let me see that. (Jerry looks at the tag.) That is high.
Ah, she's with her friend Wendy.
Well, you don't seem too enthused about the whole thing.
Fred, do you know Elaine?
Lyndon Johnson, used to do that to his staffers.
(to Kramer) So how's your karate class going?
Extra teeth. I love that look. 
I'll call an ambulance. (Exits)
Am I going? It was three nights ago.
(reading) 'I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie, hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine, lung-blower, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.'
Who are you describing?
(reading, unimpressed) Ohh, 'Number 1 Dad'.
Yeah, I'm the shark and he's the fish eating my laughs.
Hey, look whose here - Puddy.
(Confused) I don't know what that means.
See? You give, and you get.
What, has Newman got another army man stuck in his ear?
So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
(Reading the cover of the book George was forced to buy) 'French Impressionist Paintings'?
Heh.
God it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning?
Well you have to.
Yeah I called before. I got his notice in the mail.
I have to go to the bathroom. Why do they hide the bathroom in these malls?
What did you really get?
What?
 Are you sure?  Oh boy, here we go.
That's my car!
You don't know?
No, no the junior.
How would we do it?
I wanted to but I couldn't go through with it.
Huh?
What, you know what, the keys. I want the keys. You've lost your key privileges.
No, I just want some change.
Okay. Great. Thanks.
(In the middle of Elaine's sentence, smiling) No, I wouldn't think so. 
She's the model I met on the plane.
I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose- stepping past me: 'C'mon Jerry, go along, go along...'
Nah, it's not for me.
Look, you made the allegation. The least you could do is follow up.
It's Isosceles
He was running from a bee. (Elaine laughs)
Shower? 
Why not? 
Thanks, because I would really like... (distractedly puts coffee cup back on the table) 
Yeah.
Now, there's a career path you may have overlooked.
Like she's really going to admit she was flirting with me.
If I like their race, how can that be racist?... Hellooo??... Oh, is this Donna Chang again?!... Yyy-yes, I am calling George... Oh, the lines are crossed! You're getting his calls. Well, what do you know?!
It's here!
Yeah, well, I think I'm bailing.
So you're saying, Store -- Hotsy-Totsy, Home-- Hotsy-Notsy.
She couldn't make it.
Yeah, what's it like?
We're going. That's next Wednesday.
How high's it suppose to go?
Well, it's almost six now. Can't we just wait til he goes home?
Hey ,You think that Shelly's upset that I made such a big deal about the pecan. 
Gee thanks! Thanks a lot!
So, it's okay? I could just tell her she can have it?
It would be nice to care about someone.
Just follow the ordering procedure and you will be fine.
Look...look at this can of tuna!
No, I can't feel anything.
30 years.
I didn't know you had a hopper.
I don't know. 
I don't get it. He assigns it to you, you don't do it. Somehow it gets done, and now he's telling you what a great job you did.
why don't you just break it off with her. tell her it's over
What song?
Blow it off. Remember Poli Sci? How many of those did we go to?</font>
Yeah.
What are you gonna do there?
We're in the middle of a discussion here.
Yeah, me too. Well, you can't expect to just forget the past completely.
Yeah.
Ooh. Beth Lookner, still waitin' out hat marriage.
Right here, George. In here. (pointing to his chest) Try opening this up. You'll find the biggest dating scene in the world.
Good body.
Wow! (Jerry spots all the classic toys)
Even more reasonable.
A cashmere sweater.
Can't look at a menu now, I gotta be at the table.
George Peppard has been dead for years.
Why not?
She wants to be an actress...or a, uh, model...or a dancer...or a...news woman.
Well so she mentioned that she had a son, and then for some reason, I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted.
(CONT'D) You want me to help you with that?
So, can I convince anybody to come down to Coney Island with me? I got to pick up my car at the pound. George?
Went out with George, you?
Positive.
Uh, you don't have to take a picture.
Yeah, .. wait a minute do you smell smoke?
(Eagerly reaching for the phone) Yes. (George turns the TV on, and begins watching as Jerry dials the number) Hi, is Elaine there? Oh, uh, Hi, Sandra. Uh, yeah. I can hold. (To George) Every time I call I gotta chit-chat with her assistant for, like, twenty minutes. (Back into the phone) Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen, I'm at a pay phone, and there's lots of people here waiting to use it. (Yelling out for believability) I'll be off in a minute! (To Sandra) Yeah, could you just put me through to Elaine? Okay, thanks! (He turns to George) Are you thinking of ideas? (George, picking his teeth with his finger, is absorbed into the television. He seems to not even notice Jerry) Listen, Elaine, is there any way I could get through to you directly? Every time I call Sandra bends my ear for, like, twenty minutes. (Pause) So we're on for later?
George.
Let's ask him.
Yeah, I know about the three dates.
Y'know I hear that all the time.
Wood is good.
So when somebody has B.O., the 'O' usually stays with the 'B'. Once the 'B' leaves, the 'O' goes with it.
Are we going out?
You got the tap?
Oh, oh.?
Looks like a swan. 
I wonder where Elaine is sitting? I really wanted you to meet her she's supposed to be here tonight with her new boyfriend Tony 
She doesn't open...?
(still talking to George) I'm sorry. There's no reason for her not to taste that pie. 
Boy, it's a lucky thing I put the jacket on. But how did it get in the pocket?
Ya, it's much better isn't it?
So listen...
Hey.
Bye bye
 Here.  Two tickets.  Have a good time.
Yeah, but...
No, no. Still doin' the big sweep across.
What's with the pink lining and the candy stripes?
Yeah. I'm on a kiss hello program with her.
Well, at least have some reaction to it.
Oh yeah. He'd hold national security meetings in there. He planned the Hanoi bombing after a bad Thai meal.
Hey. Hey, Mickey. What's going on?
...But with punching and kicking.
What mustard stain? 
Oh, it was a lovely affair.
Alright, alright.</font>
Well, I don't if what you have here constitutes a legally binding document.
Named Sharon?
(examining the label) Ooh, and it's in medium. Perfect.
I don't mind the Mayans.
Well, I'm glad I brought it up.
And yet he continues to live.
Ask not what I can do for you - ask what you can do for me.
Oh, that's nice.
It looks like my accountant's office but there's no pets working there.
(Cutting him off) Thank you very much.
So they just gave you this?
Imagine the laugh you could have gotten if you'd yelled that out at the actual disaster.
It's not a speech. Do I have to make a speech?
SHUT UP!! Shut up Farfel, stop it! (to Elaine) I don't know what to do. I mean what if I take it to the pound then the guy shows up?
Of course.
(to Kramer) What's this?
Too late for that.
What are you gonna do with it?
You think they have fleas there, don't you?
Maybe he knows O'Brien?
Friday night.
Will you stop it already?!
No, come on!
Your breath is fine. It's delightful, it's delicious.
Thank you.
Um uh. And we're going out Saturday night.
Yes! Go in there! Do a little investigative journalism. I need to know!
Fine, Mrs. Costanza. (Attempts to get Estelle to laugh) Hey, I got a terrific joke for you..
Hey Barry, how you doing?
Oh.
If someone asked me nicely. I'm Claude Seinfeld. 
Alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (picks it up again) 
Ya, see ya.
Well, you better laugh 'cause I'm being reviewed. Leonard Christian's gonna be there.
Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
Oh, she worked at Doubleday...?
Just had a big bowl of Kix.
Yeah. So do I.
Yeah, you know, Kramer, there's always a price to pay for just a sexual dalliance.
I thought we were going to the movies?
I know, finally. But George, guess who her boss is. Duncan Meyers.
Oh yeah, he's fine, fine. He was in bad shape for a while though.
How much?
His name is Joel Horneck. He lived like three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten. I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table. He's so self-involved.
Boy... I don't know.
We'll still make the movie.
Thanks. 
Alright, thanks again.
Hmm. I thought she became a lesbian.
I've seen her in your building.
All right. As you walk in the place move immediately to your right.
Seeya.
Hey, why don't cha ask Susan?
Inka-dink, a bottle of ink, the cork fell out, and you stink.
This isn't for a person. This is for Biosphere 3.
Actually, I was thinking of donating a large portion of it to charity.
All right, I'll see you later.
Get outta here. 
Why not?
(doubtful) I don't know, do you have a--
Desperado?
Hey whatever happened to Moochie?</font>
Yes, I know, I know.
I mean, it was something we did. Probably about, what? Twenty-five times?
You know, why don't we just go with the one in your hand?
I gotta get on that internet. I'm late on everything.
But I get upset, I've yelled. You've heard me yell.
Where did you get all these?
And that guy is your new boss?
If he's black.
Yes, it was.
(TO GEORGE, RE:WOMAN) What do you think, Georgie boy?
Not only that they found it. It was simonized and the front end was aligned.
Really? You should be ashamed of yourself. I want you out of here! (MARTIN enters the hall) How ya' doing?
How was it? What'd you talk about?
Yeah, he's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff.
Yep.
Why?
Ah, Kramer.
Okay, let's go. (George shuts the television off, ready to work)
Let's see what he says.
Ok, great, well, I'm glad everything worked out, Babu.
What do you mean, you snubbed her?
That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.
I think I'm pretty much like you-- only successful.
So we're still going to the health club to play racquetball right?
The chip-in!
Do you want me to break up with you?
The tap is tough.
There's a lot of change down there.
I tell you George, I don't think we want to walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of the table.
You've caught your mother opening envelopes!
Audrey. 
Oh, wow.
Hey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore to pick up my parents one of those French-English dictionaries.
Hm, really?
 No no no.  No dinner.
Yeah!
Doesn't think anyone can tell. So c'mon, do we have a deal?
We won. We're in the finals on Wednesday.
Should I get it? I hate these moments. I'm hearing the dual voices now, you know, 'What about the money?' 'What's money?'
Yeah. Every time I see her, I gotta kiss her hello. I just did it once, on her birthday, somehow it mushroomed. Now I dread seeing her because of it.
'Aw right.'
Maybe you're a little jealous.
Not because you're dirty, not because you're clean ' just because you kissed the girl behind the magazine...
Lloyd.
(proud of himself) Remember me? I said I 'd come back with someone and I did. Surprised?.
Hey, Elaine.
Ask him to repeat it. Tell him there was an echo in there.
Really?
All right take it easy, just take it easy.
Alright, I gotta go to the airport to pick up Elaine.
Not bad. Wuh--what does she--
Why did you take a picture of a mustard stain? 
I thought the whole dream of dating a doctor was debunked.
Yes, well, of course, but, even so, you may wanna talk to a lawyer.
(looking at Kramer's moustache) Uh, we're not doing that anymore.
To a children's charity!
Hey, I offered you those cookies in my house.
I can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo. I saw him shoplifting at the bookstore.
You have a girlfriend?
Oh he's uh, helping me sort my receipts. I'm being audited.
(ironically) Oh yeah, that will go over real well with that crowd.
No, I tried. they don't know anything. (notices Elaine making egg creams) You gotta put the syrup in first.
I hope so.
Yeah, she's got a big nose.
Then can I have it back?
Yes you do, Biff. You've never been to a Flea Market, and you think they have fleas there.
Jerry, You want to pick her up?
What if we get caught?
I don't know! How am I supposed to know?!
It was sold out!
I just wanna call the police!
Nice meeting you.
Trip to Berlin?
What are you doing?
Don't be so sure. Look at George - he's on his ninth date with Betsy, he still hasn't gotten anywhere with her.
No, no. It-It's really funny. There's these two guys-
This is my friend George.
Who'd you use? Gino? 
Yeah. Eighteen strangles. 
Just put a coffee table book over it. 
(points to George) Ya.
Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?
If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
Right, just like you.
Oh, you mean from Poppie's Restaurant?
She's Romanian. What am I gonna talk to her about, Ceausescu?
 Tim, you didn't have to get me a thank you gift.  I know, it's a label maker.  The Label Baby Junior.  Yeah, I hear they're good.  Well, label me thankful.  Okay, well you enjoy those tickets.  Buh-bye.
No, he was on his regular bed.
Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough trouble maintaining activity in one. (George gives Elaine a look while Jerry's back is turned. Jerry turns around.) I saw that.
Can you conduct your business elsewhere?
What kind of company is it?
Really, thank you.
Oh.
I didn't know she was married.
The main thing is to keep the line moving.
So?
Yeah.
And you are it!
(deadpan) No.
And you're still dating him? I tell you who sounds a little desperado.
Is that right?</font>
It was a mistake, the bank sent me the wrong ones.
Yeah, we pretty much know what we're doin' in there. (Points to bedroom)
Hey.
Drop one. . . . left!
Super bowl! Hey, an original G.I. Joe. (picks up both items) With a full frogman suit.
Does it matter?
No, no, the old switcheroo is you poison your drink then you switch it with the other person's.
What is that music?
(Pats George on the back) Nice going. Thank you, that ought to get us a free dessert.. (They can see the manager chewing the busboy out from the dining room doorway) I think the busboy's in trouble.
Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism.
So what do you say? Run in the cyclone. Hotdogs on Nathan's is on me.
Boy she's sexy isn't she?
We brushed on that. Actually, George was in rare form. He just can't find anybody.
So Biff wants to be a buff? ... Well sleeping less than 18 hours a day would be a start.
I better not.
Come on up.
I don't know how long this is gonna last.
Will you put that thing out before you start another fire. You had to give him a box of cigars.
Yeah.
Two seconds. [To Skycap] Excuse me, my friend and I here, we were having a discussion and we were wondering what you usually get for a tip.
Ok, I'll see you around the building.
Right by her?
Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat.
O.K., soon as Elaine gets here.
Yeah!
I don't even know what you're talking about.
Well maybe she just wanted to move on to other business.
We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed!
Hi.
hey 
You know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself.
What did she say?
Boy, I never broke up with anyone for not tasting pie??? 
What?
Well, you want to sit with George? I think he's coming with Robin.
Oh no, it's Kenny Bania.
Elaine, only one other person in the world knows what I am about to tell you and that's George. When we were in the ninth grade they had us all line up at one end of the school yard for this big race to see who was going to represent the school in this track meet.
 Come in.
What, are you serious...why, why did she call?
There's a lot of people to mock...
Hello.
(to Kramer and Morty) What is this about?
Hey.
'No...Got dental appointment.'
Ah! boy. 
Well what about these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing to read? You know who these people are?
No! But maybe you wish it was you who was getting married, not him.
Yeah, it is.
Yeah.... well Elaine.
What happened? Levitan? 
This is Nikki.
You know what you do? Ask him a follow-up question. Tell him you're having trouble getting started, and you want his advice.
A letter.
She's been in Mexico for six weeks.
Pretty impressive--'Serious boyfriend '92 to '95.' Owns her own car.. 'Favorite president: James Polk!' (ELAINE had echoed: 'Uh-huh. Yup.' during it)
I see. She's looking. 
You gonna do a little yelling?
(pointing toward the guy) See that salesman, twirling that umbrella.
Isn't bunk bad? Like, that's a lot of bunk.
You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?
Like this? (imitates the walk)
Well, that's it. You two are back together.
Kramer, I am so sick of you comin' in here and eatin' all my food. Now shut that door and get the hell out of here!
No, I think the head does most of the stretching.
But then anyone can just look in and see you.
Sleeping in the caragain?
How come I haven't read about this?
At a rodeo. Where's she moving?
I know it was stupid.
Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very boring.
The lake isn't real.
I'm telling you the guy's a drunk, he's probably on a bender.
Can I speak with this Bookman?
He's serving Mexican, Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one's going in.
It's a schnoz.
Do you believe that guy?
Who's gonna be O'Brien?
By the way, Elaine does not need to know about anything.
*I* don't like you!
That's the point.
But is this an emergency?
They said they were interested in me.
So I finally get to meet your pal Joey.
Oh, right, right.
The religious guy?
Well, every time he tries to make a move, something screws up. Like on their last date, they were on the couch, but she was sitting on his wrong side.
Will you shut up George.
She's limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? Too bad. 
Could use a good laugh. You know what kind of pressure that is? Come on, come with me.
No, that's no sweet'ning the deal. No.
Yeah.
He swore me to secrecy.
Really? Why?
You're welcome.
Ah, that's fortunate. I really admire that.
Hmm.
Whom I gonna tell?
Right. It's very important not to embellish on your order. No extraneous comments. No questions. No compliments.
And he didn't remember you?
No, to tell you the truth, I was thinking of buying my father a new car.
Kramer?
Yeah. (hands racquet to Kramer) I wasn't gonna get it, but this guy Milos, who runs the pro shop, he really recommended it.
Kind of a Yankee prom?
No big surprises.
Almost.
A little less beady today.
What?
I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink.
Hey.
(Scolding) George. (To salesman) Sorry, we're just waiting for David Puddy. 
Oh, so you need to know?
Yeah, Elaine's gonna do the same thing to Puddy's radio that the radio did to her.
Oh, no.
'The guy?'
All right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round?
They have a piano backstage they warm up on.
George too.
Hey, should we say something to him?
I do... she's got like a jealousy thing. She doesn't like me having fun with anyone but her. (knocks on the door)
(pointing Kramer) He drank it.
Okay, how about this: I'm in my apartment, you come in.
Uh, how about a couple of people like us.
(returning to the table) Remember Babu Bhatt?
What you do say about a guy like this, huh! (George applauds.) You are some great friend, I tell ya, snubbed her! (seriously) Not that I condone it. I've never condoned snubbing in my administration. But your loyalty is beyond question.
Thank you.
What, you rented 'Home Alone'?
You know what, let's go to that mall in Liberal(sp?) before we go to the party. We'll have to take your car, it's got the most room.
All right. We're broken up.
It's a very complicated area.
what's the matter with yours? 
You are. I can't get that thing in my car. (referring to George)
Isn't that against the law?
You did? 
Oh, come on!
Yea?
Yeah.
Hot dog?
(watching George buttoning his shirt) What is this?
(quietly) Oh, he's this awful comedian.
Because you didn't have a job?
I was the last one on the end. George was next to me. And Mr. Bevilacqua, the gym . . .
 What is it?
To be polite? You are insane!
Great!
I don't bother with him. He's been calling me for seven years. I've never called him once! He's got the attention span of a five-year-old. Sometimes I sit there and I make up things just to see if he's paying attention.
No, shower. So, where are we eating?
What are you doing?
What do you think?
'Yeah!'
These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing else to do, why not disturb you?
Oh, yeah. Right.
I still can't believe, you're going out on a blind date.
Where are you going, you just got here?
Why?
Hello, Lena? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld. How did I get your number? I met a guy that knows you, he gave it to me...I don't remember his name. Think it began with a W, maybe a Q. I wasn't paying that much attention, I'd just come from shopping for a speedboat...
No, he's It. He wins. It is good.
Hi.
No economic reason for them to be here.
You and your toilets. 
That's it?
That was July 4th!
(hands it to him as he asks ELAINE) So how'd it go with Kevin? Did you, steel-toe his ass back to Kentucky?
That is so cool, can you put me on the speaker?
I invented that.
What?
(getting worked up) I don't need the money.
In fact, it's the only racquet he plays with.
That's so strange.
The bump into. The bump into always leads to the backslide.
Right, they couldn't get the green stuff off.
That's got to hurt, I don't care where you're from!
There's a woman over there that looks really familiar. Dark hair, striped shirt?
(Remembering) Oh, right. The big party..
It's the Puerto Rican Day parade!
(Casually buttering a roll, like he's the innocent one) I didn't say anything.
Hey, I just said it was stupid.
Uh, Along long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.
I don't know, they drink and they bend things at the bar.
I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for  survival. And even though ya know he's not going to make it, y-y-you kind of root for  him for a second.
A little.
My neighbour:
Who am I?
Oh, you dig?
Just, look, just give the keys.
How is this an emergency?
You know, a TV show.
Yeah, so Joey?s a great lover of the opera
Yes, yes, I did. But, you know, I was watching it on CNN, and they covered it so well I thought, 'Why knock my brains out?'
Let us pray.
Yeah, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand. Can't go left.
(setting down a box) No thanks.
Yeah, so how's my money?
You were saying Stan? I-I'm sorry about that.
Well I've been going with him for 12 years. I can't switch. I'd hurt his feelings. 
Oh, whatever.
Oh, stop it.
I really don't wear the kind of shoes that have to be cobbled.
It's not like you're my wife.
Ohhhh...
Well, how much are you going to invest?
Oh, that's okay.
No, I told you I admire your hearing.
See, there you go again. What is the difference what I think?
Elaine.
(peering) That's an interesting package.
Maybe a Cadillac.
Oh of course. Todd Gack. You did you bet was in Star Wars? Sammy Davis Jr.
Hey.
Alright, I'm outta here, and when I get back, I don't want to see you here (points to kitchen), here (points to living room), or here (makes similar circle with his hands).
So, Elaine was telling me about this piece of whitefish she had the other day...
They've tried to fix it. But it keeps coming back the same. 
Well? What do you think?
You taking Allison?
What do you think?
(reluctant) Kramer, I'm helping my parents move into their new condo. I'm gonna be busy.
Sounds like a really cool fort.
So what's this job?
Sorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the Bronx.
But?
I just want a, touch 'em a little.
'Atomic Sub'? Why are you eating there?
Hey, George. Here's the model number on that chair, by the way.
You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her?
What?
Oh! my God!....
Kramer, bumper-cars?
What, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out?
I've never fixed anybody up.
well he could say hello to me. I wouldn't mind.
Hi, Nina. (smooch) This is my friend George.
All right, well, we should all chip in I guess.
Westchester? Isn't that a private club?
'Glamour'? 
C'mon, seriously...
Remember that guy who opened the restaurant across the street from the building last year and he wasn't doing so well and I told him he should make it into all Pakistani and that drove him right out of business? So, you uh, going with me to the auto show with me Saturday?
Oh yeah, what? 'Buck Naked'?
Fields. Sidney Fields. *87* years old. *87*. How about your guy?
I thought you saw that already...
What about your father's car?
It's a haaazy mystery.
It's not one of those 976 calls, is it? 
Where's the heat in this car? Come on Elaine warm me up, oh! I'm cold. Just give me a little squeeze.
It's silly!
What about little Joey?
Ah. I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller. So you're Miss, uh...
(stares at George, incredulous) 'Back on'? What was it doing off?
Hey Kenny. (with some fake enthusiasm, just to be polite)
A lesser man would have crumbled. They would have gone for the 'dish' and the sure fire sexual-harassment suit.
Mr. Bevilacqua, the gym teacher.
 Kramer, why do you have to (noticing Newman)  Hello, Newman.
Yes!
What can I do? Break up with him? Tell him, 'I don't think we're right for each other.' He's a guy! At least with a woman, there's a precendent. You know, the relationship goes sour, you end it.
Levels?
Is it me?
It sounds like an excellent idea.
No, don't slough that off, you have great hearing.
'Oh! How d'you like that?'
Yeah! So 
They're the worst.
Lainy!
You're going by sound? What are we? Whales?
He overslept and missed the whole race. Isn't that amazing?
No, no, no, come on, Kramer. Now, you got the socks.
John Germaine? That is amazing. I was just talking about him upstairs with Elaine.
You're really going to town with that turkey there.
No social reason for them to be here.
So, what are you gonna do now? Are you gonna look for something else in real estate? 
No. The police have no leads (sitting on the couch arm) and I just found out today my insurance doesn't cover it.
Ohh boy. Well, I gotta meet Elaine and run some errands. So.. (Goes for his coat)
Why would anybody want a friend.
'Salami salami bologna'?
Hey, Copernicus?
When I started out as a comedian, I sold umbrellas. It was my idea to twirl it, to attract customers.
(Talking to Elaine) You ate more bread?
(animated) Oh, is that what this is all about?! I bounce a cheque and you sold a Cadillac?!
(accusingly) Hey, this is the zee page of my address book.
Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's!
Oh, what about 'ladies night'? Women admitted free before 10?
Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
Hey. 
I know this woman. This is gonna drive me crazy.
(getting out his wallet) Uh, one second.
Oh, she's picking me up in a few minutes.
Son of dad?
It's like 10 minutes by subway.
Take it.
Volcano? Really?
Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo. Shut up! One more day and you are pound bound!
Well, it's a spider.
Stop being so concerned with looks.
Yeah, did he think I was flirting with her?
Just me?
Why?
Don't ask me!
All right, I'll call 911. Think he did it? Could've he done it? Couldn't done it? How could've he done it? Couldn't be? Could it? Hello 911? How are you? I'm sorry it was just a reflex...I know it's an emergency number...it is an emergency...my friend is being accused of being a smog strangler and I know he didn't do it...they're putting me trough to the detective in charge of the investigation...what is my name? Who am I? I'm eh...George Costanza...
Yeah, I guess so.
Well I?m looking forward to meeting him.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
No! I'm lefty, can't go right. What about women? Do they go left or right?
Hey, he just got me thirty percent off on an air conditioner.
What, you got a cold?
Mmm, succulent. 
He can't handle the truth!
So you're not gonna come?
(on the phone) Are you kidding? They can't cancel that show on me now, it's too late for me to book anything else for that weekend. Alright, alright ... okay, bye. (hangs up the phone)
What made you resurrect that old idea?
Elaine, George (introducing them to Bania with less enthusiasm)
Alright, take 'em.
It's a little ...
Hey, believe me, you were better off not knowing. It's not easy to deal with someone in a situation like this. I was so nice to him I almost made myself sick.
Was I supposed to bring something?
Boy...
Okay... but there's no cake or anything, if that's what you're looking for.
(coyly) Oh, nothing important.
Well, this is it. I'm really gonna do something about my life, you know? You know, I think I'm gonna call Melanie again. So what if she shushed me. GEORGE:, I am really gonna make some changes.
Ar-moire.
Yeah. (thinking) That would really blow his mind. He's always wanted one, his whole life, he's never been able to afford it. (decisive) I'm gonna do it.
Can I have my keys...
You can't go to China What about your job?
Wow. So did you get any good ideas for the catalog?
You know, if you really want to test him out, why don't you try the old Jerry Lewis trick?
Who wants two? Special sneak preview of Death Blow.
Well I can't the warranty expired two years ago. 
Live?
Well, it's something to consider.
(grudging) Alright.
I'll tell you what I would like you to do with it.
Knicks? Rangers?
Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr Syndrome?
Who wants to responsible? When ever anything goes wrong, the first thing they ask is: who's responsible for this?
Hey.
What does that mean?
I'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here.
Who?
Oh! God.. Oh! man.....Oh! brother!!! I can't believe what I'm hearing. This woman his talking to me on my tape recorder while I was on stage. This is wild. I've never heard anything like this in my life. Listen to this.
Have you said anything to her about it?
Cranberry juice?
Could be years before I get back to Coney Island. I can't go to rides alone.
[quickly whispering] I resent that you said that! That's directed at *me*, isn't it?!
Well why wouldn't you start with George? You think she's too good for George?
So?
(walking over to where Kramer is posing) Hey, look at this guy!
How much was it to clean the vest?
and GEORGE: Ye, hu, um Ye,
Kramer, should I call Susan?
Can you bring my mail then?
You told me that already like two months ago.
*We*? No.
Oh, right... But you *hated* it!
Are you serious?
Me? Godfather?
Really? 
Hey did you hear that George got back with Karen? 
why do you do that? 
Boy, I never heard of that happening to a woman? 
Get outta here!
Ah, I think he's probably better off.
Yeah, you should see George get along with this kid!
I was almost Mr. Coffee. They felt I was a little too relaxed. (Miss Rhode Island laughs.)
(laughing) What for?
He was down at the other end. So he yells out, 'Ready, On your mark, Get set, ' and I was so keyed up I just took off. By the time he said go I was ten yards ahead of everybody.
 Take what?
Oh, I get it, this is about the button.
Just break up with him?
A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it so it turned against you. Same thing happened in 'The Blob'.
You drew up plans for this?
Really?
'I think that's eat 24 hours before surgery.'
Yeah! It's a doodle. 
Well, what is with you?
How would you know? You don't speak Korean.
You don't wanna get married?
Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?
My money's on the snooze. I bet he hit the snooze for an extra 5 and it never came back on. (Kramer enters with a bucket and starts filling it with water on the sink) Imagine your whole life riding on an alarm clock.
How come?
Oh, yeah. My friend Elaine and him are goin' out. They're pretty hot and heavy.
So what are you gonna do? 
Why don't you see what you can do?
They don't consider it stolen, if you wilfully give the guy the keys.
(Fishing for his keys in a kitchen drawer) You know, when I first met you, Kramer, you used to wear jeans all the time.
I mean all that stuff is so small.. ((ELAINE is wryly assessing him)) stupid..
(Sarcastic) What a surprise. (Enters George's room overly sympathetic - leading George to think that the Doctor told Jerry something significant) Hey, how ya doin' buddy? You need anything? Do you want me to go out and get you a Superman comic?
Elaine.
Hello?
Did you find out who stabbed him?
Is he from the future?
Reer.
What?
I dunno. Since the last one. Oh, here she is. You wanna meet her?
(Jokingly trying to put more pressure on Elaine and George) He'll probably kill his family over this.
Hey, would you stop it already?
Something to drink?
Why?
Is this okay? Can I do this? (he claps)
Okay.
I wonder if I'm nuts for pursuing this woman at all.
I'm telling you.
Oh, don't be a baby! What are you scared of?
Well, they want me to come up with an idea. I mean, I don't have any ideas.
Um, I don't even know?
Where are you going, what?s the rush?
Oh, did he like it?
Well, there were too many people in the room, we couldn't keep track of everybody. George, and the butler, and...
I really don't eat it.
You're pretty comfortable up there eh, Bubble boy?
No thanks.
What's happening?
I got a date!
You got no waist in that thing.
That's right, you let him have it.
I met her one time...
What if I lose it?
I think if one's going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note. It's common courtesy. I don't know. That's just the way I was brought up.
What look? Nothing.
I'm serious about it.
It's on the door.
Oh, isn't that what it's all about?
Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld. Pat Cooper made a reservation for me.
(catching keys) ...back, please?
So write a letter.. move to another...move to Staten Island., 'lot easier to blend in a sea of people in Staten Island than China believe me.
Anything you couldn't have gotten tearing open a bag of Doritos and watching Viva Zapata?
I heard that when Jerry Lewis left a meeting, he'd purposefully leave a briefcase with a tape recorder in it. Then after five minutes, he'd come back for it and listen to what everyone said about him.
Kramer, do you know what I had to go through to get these?
Well how are you going..... 
Wow. That's great! When it comes out, I'll have to get someone to ghost read it.
I mean, let's say we did.
(holding up the '# DAD' shirt) We're even.
Welcome back to the show.
That's different. I didn't have feelings for those people. But you, you'll backslide
How did she get Lyme disease?
What happened, I thought you were with Tara tonight?
Oh, you were pretty loaded.
Ah. Where'd you go? 
What about Puddy?
(Rubbing it in) Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing anything?
Yeah.
Bazooka Joe.
Alright, shut up, here they come.
Well you implied it.
I know what he is. I recognized him. You didn't even notice him.
(to Nina) I brought George up to see some of your paintings.
Can you get vomit out of suede?
How you gonna get out of *that* one?
George and I just signed up with the Senior Citizen's Volunteer Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing.
What for?
How about this, you put your car in the good spot, that'll hold the good spot in front of the good building, and we can get the good car!
(a la 'Don Corleone') Never go against the family, Elaine.
Risotto. (we see a flashback from The Mango where Karen tells George that she feels full after a Risotto, as opposed to when she has sex with him) 
There you go. That'll get you home in time. 
Hey! Hey Mick.
Alright.
Tonight. I have to call her, she's staying in a hotel.
So was I right? She likes me, right?
I'm not goin' there. Didn't he get busted by the Board of Health?
Unbuttoned, or all the way off?
 So why don't you leave it at Newman's?
The Truth.
I don't know. It's got a pink lining.
Oh!.It's an affectionate caricature. 
Oh, come on!
Twenty-five percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a twenty to one shot.
What do you do?
All right, c'mon. Let's go.
(chewing) Mmm, different. Where'd you get it?
I don't know, maybe get an ice tray?
(downcast) Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity? 
(Jokingly playing off Kramer's statement) With a different body.
What?
(Still going along with the practical joke) You know, I was wondering.. You know that Black Hawks jacket you have?
Elaine, please, it was a long time ago. The man doesn't want a history lesson.
Oh hi, Katie.
(Like a father) Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore.
(sits on the back of the couch) Oh my god.
Boy, your really packing it all in.
Fix a screen door in Queens.
That's a five.
Well maybe they were here from before.
That's the new area code. They've run out of 242s, so all the new numbers are 646.
(Again, joking) A lot of ex-cons become busboys. They seem to gravitate twards 'em.
I don't know, she actually seemed to get a little paranoid.
You got it ALL wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans
I thought it was green. I remember seeing green.
The buzzer.
What's so amazing? You've seen him before.
Well if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody?
Look, she slammed into a parked car! She took no responsibility for mutilating the property of a stranger, then she sped off like a criminal!
I'm serious!
Your name is a good name, Costanza. Sounds like it's stands for something, they'll believe us.
Why should I care if my son's into gymnastics?
Oh uh ...
Yeah, too bad.
Oh, good, men love that!
(Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right. 
Well, we tried. We couldn't. We didn't know how to, uh...(confessing) ...we couldn't write for a woman. We didn't know what you would say. Even right now, I'm sitting here, I know you're going to say something, I have no idea what it is.
I don't know if I'd feel comfortable handing out bologna sandwiches in the building..
Bathroom uh, bathroom's uh right over there.
To Latvian Orthodox? 
hey where were you last night? I looked for you, I didn't see you 
Oh yeah, I heard all about it.
She knew who I was! She saw me in a club one time! My first date ever with the Pacific Rim. I'm very excited.
How's it going?
By the time the race was over I had won. I was shocked nobody had noticed the head start.
Who is he not to tell you about his life-threatening illness?
What did you say then?
Like this? You just said you wanted to live here.
As a guy I don't know how I can break up with another guy. You know what I mean? I don't know how to say, 'Bill, I feel I need to see other men.' Do you know what I mean? There's nothing I can do. I have to wait for someone to die. I think that's the only way out of this relationship. It could be a long time. See, the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just because they're two guys. That's almost all we need to have in common. 'Cause sports ' sports and women ' is really all we talk about. If there was no sports and no women the only thing guys would ever say is, 'So, what's in the refrigerator?'
All right. Twenty-five hundred.
Oh, so important. So what are you doing uh Thursday night? You wanna have dinner?
I don't know if you should sit for this or not. Sitting is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down. I can't decide.
Why don't you go to another nail shop?
I'm not kidding.
He gave you the nice face discount.
Kramer this is Ramon, from the new health club I joined.
We'll see.
Aagh! You come back for your clothes
No, I don't.
Yes, it is.
Yeah I guess I do owe you.
I guess I would. 
So, what did you say?
Hey.
Oh, lithe!
Is that like the end of the world or something?
(continuing to pack) That's a nice four seconds.
He's kind of tied up here.
Stakes?
They still do that play?
Oh. Hello, Tetanus.
(unimpressed) So, what's this guy about?
(Confused) What's your position?
We used to come in every day.
You're breaking up?
I don't know . I have no idea . I was just listening and she came on.
(derisively at Kramer) Gloves. (Into the phone) Hello?
So... I'm Jerry. (he puts down the drink)
Because if you think she's too good for George, you are dead wrong. Dead wrong. Who is she?
On the other hand, does that mean she should never be allowed to date again? You scratch one car and you're forbidden to have social contact for the rest of your life?!
That's enough with this piece of junk I've had it. (throws watch in garbage)
Hey!
Cause he's at that baseball fantasy camp in Florida.
He's gonna hang around if that's alright with you?
What're you talkin' about?
All right.. Go ahead.
Good to meet you!
Yeah. He's really got a good thing with her. In fact I'm doubling with them tonight. 
And then there's Maude. (She sits down next to Jerry)
And get this - I'm working in Atlantic City this weekend, and she's going to be down there for the pageant.
Of course.
When do you intend to do this?
It's just a drawing. 
You're such...
Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.
Always works?
Nah, don't bother.
You know Dad just called me.
(jocular) You just bought your own dinner.
Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get. 
They're looking.
Ehh, I dunno..
Well, you know, I was thinking - if things don't exactly work out..
I've heard of Ohio, Katie. But Tuesday's no good. I'm doin' career day at my old junior high.
(Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.
Like what?
No.
Not goin' to the Knick game.
Neither have I.
That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?
See? If we had stayed, we could have seen those runs.
Those brave Krakatoans East of Java. who sacrifice so much for so long.
My house? You gotta be on the lease to press to buzzer. Yeah? (to the intercom)
What was the dream?
Really?
Dylan Murphy.
What am I drinking, milk?
Yes it will, now give me those keys!
Sure.
But gymnastics is not for everybody.
What? Yo-yo Ma?
All right, look, we're late. Thank you very much...
Something derogatory? (Gail enters the coffee shop and walks over to the booth.)
Yeah?
Did you see that?
I believe they've had a cure for polio for quite some time. 
I'm sorry Elaine, I'll make it up to you. 
You know it's not like changing toothpaste. 
oh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony 
Nothing, what's doing with you?
Oh...yeah...uh you've never met my wife, Meryl? Meryl Seinfeld.
He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.
You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee?
Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like volleyballs.
No, why should I? I wear boxers.
No kidding.
And I had won by so much a myth began to grow about my speed. Only Duncan suspected something was a miss. He's hated me ever since. Now he's back.
 So that's here?
His illness is your business.
You know, I read the Lenny Bruce biography, I thought it was really... interesting. He would-
What's the difference?
Tan pants. Why do I buy tan pants, Donna? I don't feel comfortable in them.
Uh, that doorman's still milling around outside. He's very peculiar.
Yeah, he's dating a crayon.
Oh, Elaine. You know the way I am ' rarely ever thinking of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me. Sure, it hurts sometimes to give, and give, and give...
What you need is a translator to go in the shop with you and tell you what they're saying.
Melanie, you can shush me at every opportunity. 5? 3? Oh, it was just an expression. All right, well, that's very sweet of you. Okay, I'll call you later. All right, bye. Hey!
What about the soup?
Come on, let's go.
Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? That's like half a pound of turkey!
(passing Hallie) 'Scuse me.
Yeah. Why?
So forget about your clothes.
My what?
I thought you might.
No, I'm okay.
What? What did you--
I know Teddy Padillac. I worked with him on Forty-eighth and Sixth.
It can't be worse than this.
Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to?
Maybe he has money.
Dollars?
With all the nudity?
What?
You ran over some pigeons? How many?
When George was growing up..
So, Puddy, I decided I'm gonna go with another 900 convertible. 
Or he's a crime fighter safeguarding his secret identity! Elaine, you could be dating the Green Lantern!
(Doesn't have a care in the world) ..Maybe I'll try that pesto.
Nah, she's really good and she's not just a masseuse, she's a physical therapist. There's a big difference. She uses the ultrasound, it's a real medical procedure. In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's covered by insurance.
Ma.
(whispers) Haymen, Are you sure?
Yeah, let me ask you a question. How do you cross those wires?
He's George!
What, now you wanna be Dylan Murphy?
Why not?
Yeah, but it never works.
Here we go.
Ooo, could be from that blonde
[to taxi driver] Take the Park!
Monday, I think.
What?
We could get him anything we wanted, we're chippin' in.
George likes them, he feels it's a good personality showcase. He likes a date to see him with a friend so she can get a window into his nondate personality. 
No lines.
The only bad thing is, we have to go out with a chaperone.
Oh, Kramer, I -
What, again? Kramer, if you keep getting these attacks, you should see the doctor and have it checked out.
How fast was she walking?
I can't think about it now. Come on, I'm going to Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend.
Hello... Hello. Is Glen there?... I'm sorry. Is this 805-555-3234?... Yes, I know I have the wrong number, but I just want to know if I dialed wrong or if...
You're doing this yourself?
Hey.
UNDATEABLE!
No what?
I don't want it.
Yeah, all right, well I got some people here.
Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments. 
Y'hello.
Not the gown again. 
No, I tried it on. It fits good.
Yes, all right, Katie.
Again, I'm really sorry about the check, Marcelino.
The Van Buren Boys? There's a street gang named after President Martin Van Buren?
Why don't you just work on George's project for a while?
You know, if you don't bring a guest they save a catering. You should be able to buy a cheaper gift.
Where did you get this thing?
Ten minutes.
Excuse me, didn't those people just come in? I believe we were ahead of them.
Hey Mickey. Check the pepper shaker.
Look, I feel bad for him too, but he'll get another job. I mean, let's face it, it's not a profession where you embellish your resume and undergo a series of grueling interviews.
No, that's Krama.
Come on up.
 No, let's survey first.  Camp here.
I think I've played there.
What I do? You are one of my favorite ball players of all time
Hi.
So put 'em in a safe place.
Oh yeah. Yes I have some very important information regarding the smog strangler. (George leans close) would you suck a mint or something. Can I come right now? I suppose, where are you located? Where is that? I don't know where we are. Where are we?
So what?
You just said 'Yo-yo Ma'.
. . . it's uh, being fixed.
No chance. 
Well, Gail Cunningham.
Yeah, I washed it.
No. Come on up.
Well, I guess we'll be going.. (Heads for the door)
(handing her a magazine) Here, read this. 
hey hey (fooling around with his collar) 
George this is Mickey.
You might regret that, because the money my wife spends on clothes...
Because George is a deeply disturbed individual.
I'll loan you my puffy shirt.
I'm sorry, Kramer. Those records are permanently sealed...
Right there, guys. That's perfect. Ah? Whatta ya think, Lainie?
All right.
I never did. In four years of high school I would never race anyone again. Not even to the end of the block to catch a bus. And so the legend grew. Everyone wanted me to race. They begged me. The track coach called my parents. Pleading. Telling them it was a sin to waste my god given talent. But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone. I chose not to run.
 I don't wanna be Switzerland.
If not now, when?
Oh you are beautiful!
Elaine. (Jerry puts his bags down, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote control and points it at the spot the TV usually occupies. The TV is not there. He continues to point the remote at random things around the room, searching for the TV.) ELAINE!
(testing Joel) So, I'm thinking about going to Iran this summer.
My bet? All right. I'll open with a tuna sandwich.
I'd rather not say it out loud. It's embarrassing.
Oh, I can't begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial.
(picks up phone) Hello? (listens) Oh, hi Mr. Pitt.
'All right.'
Toilet paper?
What would you say if I told you that...
You know who speaks Korean?
I had a very interesting lunch with GEORGE: Costanza today.
[in French accent] Pardon.
Aren't you gonna take it?
(sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your favourites on hand.
Uh.. well, you better not. I'm supposed to be careful with it.
Hey,that might be a nice idea for George's wedding.
(His thoughts) I'm so nauseous. She's the worst driver.
Look, freedom with no clothes is a lot better than no freedom with clothes.
Oh, yeah, that. Well...
I'm fine. (George enters, Kramer exits) How was the party?
He's writing copy?
In his dreams.
He called you?
I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. (Points to the bedroom) We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated.
Bring it on. Nothing's throwing me at this point.
(zipping up his bag) Sometimes you do.
(yelling) Get out! Get out! I don't want to live like this.
Stomach ache?
What kind do you use?
So, maybe they had Chinese food?
Course we have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue defecation.
His father..
She does not.
Green suit, power ring.
All right, make it the large sodas.
I don't know how you can unwind with that clock ticking. It makes me anxious.
Yeah.
(to Morty) What about you?
George got him fired. He squealed on him.
It was in the back of the room on the left, she must have been sitting right in front of it.
Sid left the keys in the car. Alright, I gotta go. Drive carefully.
So what?
You could be Colin.
Yep. (checks watch) Starts in thirty-five minutes.
So, are you gonna go out with her?
Hey listen, if you're gonna go out with this lawyer, why don't you have dinner with us and then maybe you can go to the auto show with her if you want, you know, have a little company, take the pressure off.
Where do you *get* this?
Okay. 
He feels he's funnier, more relaxed. 
So when are we gonna see this baby? When is the momentous event?
No, it's part of the contest rules.
Dating is really starting to get embarrassing isn't it?
(picks up newspaper, turns to George) You always take the shirt off?
No. I think it's Demi. (the 'i' sounds like an 'e')
Hi, happy birthday.
(to the phone) Oh, it's you again. See, now if you had answered me, I wouldn't have had to do this. Now that's two long distance calls I made to you why can't you... (The guy hangs up on Jerry again; to nobody) Why? Why do they just hang up like that? Thank you very much.
Oh, no. It's not that I don't think you can. I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't.
the usual 
Alcohol.
Hot tub?
Really?
Alright.
That's a hell of an organization they're running up there.  I can't understand why they haven't won a pennant in 15 years.
All right, bye. (to Elaine): You see this? Any thought pops into their head they're calling me because it's a local call now.
Hey, not bad. (pointing to crest) I kinda like this little thing here.
(impatiently cutting in) Hey Elaine What about the crest.? What d'you think of the crest here.
Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting. 
Yeah.
They have gotten to know you. 
Well, you know..
Yes, bye.
There is now. Kramer, you should really get that cough checked out by a doctor.
Look, let me just give you the forty, plus another twenty for your trouble.
Yeah, when it's your money, it's fascinating.
So how was Wednesday's walk in the park with Hal.
Done.
Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.
Hey, you guys think I'm getting a little...chunky?
Here we go.
Oh, like you do.
It's all taken care of.
I can't believe someone hasn't killed her yet.
It's over there. I know where it is.
What's that?
 What could possess anyone to throw a party?  I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.
You're a little paranormal
Thank you.
Where?
We don't know. He says ask somebody, ask that guy.
Yeah and...?
He's a cellist. (to Kramer) You should see a doctor today.
It's at the jeweler.
Yeah
Yeah, come on. (Kramer gives out a frustrated sigh) What's with you?
(shouting) Kramer what am I going to do did you hear that that guy's gonna put a kibosh on me he's crazy he's out of his mind....
Well, I know I could hold out longer than you. 
[rubbing his eyes hoping the nightmare will end] Okay, I get your point!
...he never heard of corduroy!
So *wash* *it*.
What's wrong?
Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll tell you what chuckles, I give you permission to sublet my room right now.
Hello? Yeah he's here. (to Kramer) Hey! It's for you.
Really?
Yeah.
(bored) Come on, George. Pick a face and go with it.
What was all that sniffing?
Tony, hey hey (continues fooling) 
Ah - see the sense of humor? C'mere, I'm so nuts about you...(hugs Meryl.) I tell ya, it was fun being single, but when you meet a woman like this, you don't walk to get married - you run!
What're you gonna talk about?
Really? You never slipped one past the goalie in all these years??... Boy, I'm surprised. You've slept with a lot of women!
Oh no, I don't want anyone sitting on it.
He's back. And I knew he would be someday. (drinks) Man that's some tart cider!
Great, I had fun. Where's the TV, where's the VCR?
Anyway, the Hizballah has invited me to perform. (Joel shakes his head agreeing; Jerry smiles) You know, it's their annual terrorist luncheon.
Oh, the dolphin thing?
Yes, but let's just stop it right there.
You like that commercial?
You can't go wrong with pouty.
What are you talking about?
...I got you an apartment in this building.
George's father.
We were talking about our lives and we both kind of realized we're kids. We're not men.
It's like this all the time.
What arrangement?
Oh, okay..
You what??
Sure. If there cheap Why not.
And what, hope for a crash?
There's really not that much to tell.
Hi, sorry I'm late.
Yeah, so I didn't miss anything?
(to Clicky) By the way, you're doing it too fast. You'll disorient the customers.
Good, as a matter of fact. I almost had my own show in Japan.</font>
To a guy you've never met? (mild sarcasm) Your screening process is getting ever more rigorous.
It's moronic.
Oh, that adopt-a-highway thing.
(picking up his bag and coat) Who's she dating? Mr Peanut?
Aah, top of the fridge. Hey George, I'm taking that waitress to the Tony's.
(nods) Look, postcard from Elaine from Europe.
Well, there's one way to check. Where there's Chinese food, there's leftovers.
So Miranda's cooled on ya?
Hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.
Hey! Kramer.
Seinfeld.
Yeah. And then you went on to...Well, it's a good game.
But that's a one-way street coming this way. Besides, how am I gonna get all the way over there?
Not if you have a doctor's note.
(to Helen) What about him?
Sid left the keys in the car.
I don't know, what's with the eyebrows?
Thank you.
I'm Dylan Murphy.
May I? (pantomimes making a big 'X' across the painting)
No, I like Mike.
What about Susan?
You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up!
Why?
(a la 'Don Corleione') Elaine, never ask me about my business!.... (SHEEPISH) 'Godfather.'
Jody the masseuse. 
Yeah well King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza. 
How's work going you guys?
I don't know, she just sits there.
People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
Boy, I tell ya', knowing you is like going out in the jungle. I never know what I'm going to find next, and I'm real scared.
Ahh, I'm a 40. Why?
Hi.
What?
No, I just had a sandwich.
'The Velvet fog?'
Good for you 
We're gonna change the system.
Hey that sounds great, I'd love to do some TV commercials, that should really be fun.
Ahh.
I'm used to a 1200 mile buffer zone. I can't handle this. Plus I got the dinners, I got the pop ins. They pop in! It's brutal!
I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do ya like? 
(Once again, the audience hears his thoughts) I'm so car sick. I'm gonna vomit!
Oh, and.. do you think it would be alright if I called Susan Davis?
(reading) Jewish singles night?
It's the twirling that dazzles the eye.
(In awe. Whispering) The botched it?
Aren't you going to take the check down?
Well, what does that mean?
I don't know.
Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?
Elaine, what do you think?
(As George sits down) George, we need to talk.
So you bought a cooler?
House in the Hamptons?
What's with the fake sneezing?
(Jokingly rubbing it in) As opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling.
And a dead bolt.
(Scoffing) Camp.
Well you can't tell someone how you feel about their girlfriend until after they stop seeing them.
Come on, Go in, go in!  [watching Dream Cafe with binoculars again]
With that?
I think so. I mean, he's acting really weird lately...he's different.
What person who runs an antique store gets involved in people's lives?
I can't believe she sent you that dry-cleaning bill.
I'm not sending you the bill.
Why?
What the hell he's supposed to be on medication I don't understand he told me he's getting medication what happened to his medication!?
Sure, how much? 
He never heard of corduroy! True story, true story.
You said 'gloves'...
(to George) Again with the sweat pants?
Oh, Elaine and I are going out to dinner with Kramer and his new girlfriend.
You don't think...?
I can't take my eyes off that lineswoman. The woman is absolutely mesmerizing. 
huh huh 
Hello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it. I just had something cancelled the same weekend. Ok. Great. Bye. (hangs up the phone; turns to Kramer) You know, life is amazing. I just lost a job and five minutes later get another, same weekend, same money.
Well, I'm sure you're not... Totally Depleted.
What?
Yeah, it was OK. Frankenstein didn't seem quite right to me. I missed the sport jacket.
 Alright, soldier boys, let's fall out.
I didn't bring anything.
(cont'd) I'm gonna do it in Farsi.
Ohhh... You know, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna.
I, don't see it happening.
Now wait a second, you mean the one where the guys are all standing around, supposedly being very casual and witty?
Toilet paper's changed.
Yes.
He used to go there a lot on business.
Yes. We did.
Oh, no. It is. Just be still.
Uh huh, okay, alright, bye. Huh, how do you like that? I'm gonna do some TV spots for Leapin' Larry's Appliance Store. That was Leapin' Larry himself, I'm gonna meet with him tomorrow.
All right, let's go. Hey, you know, you owe me one.
(sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there and I will.
Ohh.. look at this..
Yeah, okay. (to Elaine) They may have found the car.
You know what the odds are on a crash it's a million to one.
See ya.
You know, if we rush, we can still make the movie.
Elaine danced?
No</font>
Yeah, it's no big deal.
That Arabian is strong coffee.
Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise.
Aw, looks just like you.
Remember David Puddy?
Yeah, me neither.
Hey, I got a date with that doctor you met.
What! You're the one who ruined her life.
Well I've never actually done it but if I really wanted to I could probably get one from my friend Roy, the dentist.
An old friend of mine, whom you may have met, George Costanza, has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was formally a highly placed official with an outfit known as the IRS. And as we speak, at this very moment he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information. And she has assured us that the matter is well within her field of expertise.
Good question.
He's this guy in the neighborhood, parks cars on the block.
I went out with you.
What's this?
Oh yeah? What did you talk about?
Hey, you know I'm on the phone with the police! Some guy just gave me a wise answer. Ask that woman.
They sell them by the side of the road.  Blueberry, Blackberry ....
Depends.
Are you sure?
Hello, *Newman*...
And the guy never knows?
(While looking at posters of women wearing glasses) I think these women would be pretty good looking if they weren't wearing glasses.
The bris?
No! How many times do I have to go out with her before I get a massage? 
(Looking toward beach) Oh this is interesting.
I'm not sure if she's allowed to talk. (Picks up the phone and dials.)
It's embarrassing for them. It's painful for us to watch. I'm going out with someone later, I'm not even taking her out of the house.
Well I don't know if I ...
Oh, so am I . Uh, how's Duncan?
If I told you, you woulda given it away.
Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what you're talking about, now, come on, come with me. (stands up) I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway.
Stolen? When?
I don't want cantaloupe now.
Would you?
Alright, he just left. We can go.
'What the hell his a velvet fog.'
Oh! Come on, you told them you're from out-of-town just so you could stay in a hotel room. 
OK, see you later.
Locking your keys in your car is the best career move you ever made.
The only way out of this is if Leo breaks up with his girlfriend and has to move back into the apartment and then they would have to go back to Florida.
(to George) That might be the stupidest thing you've ever said.
(giving up) Check.
Yeah. Yeah. 
Told you.
(Out of it) Huh?
(continuing) No rejection, no guilt, no remorse.
Why because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys. 
Well, it's not like we'd be bumping into you.
(as if speaking to a moron) Those belong to people.
But it's your bodega.
Yeah.
There's no hazing of the fetus, or anything, is there?
Alright, I admit it. I slept with Nina, but that's all.
And instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole?
Boy, you are really hungry.
(Sarcastic) Oh, hey. Can I fix you fellas some drinks and sandwiches?
Elaine?
You. I'm talking about people.
There it is!...No, no that's a Toyota.
No, I'm afraid we'll start talking, and I'll gonna wind up going partners with him.
I'm performing in this club on the east Side. You should come in.
Come on,
What car?
I can't.
So someone comes in to buy an old lamp and all of a sudden I'm getting them out of a jam? I could see if I was a pharmacist because a pharmacist knows what's wrong with everybody that comes in.
That doesn't really bode well for the show, does it?
Yeah.
I'm gonna call the cops. That?s what I?m doing, I?m calling the cops.
(Pointing) You're on. 
We'll take 'em!
Yeah, he's good. He takes good pictures. He's got equipment over there.
You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.' (George is baffled)
Yeah, You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?'
I gotta talk to her. What do you think? 
He's gone, George.
no what? 
(to Kramer) Uh... may I help you? (wondering what the hell's Kramer doing) 
Ya, or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue here in New York City, you could get some there.
So go to a fertility clinic. Have your sperm count checked.
Oh, you're crazy.
Not that it was that nice of a jacket. I mean it didn't fit him that well. To me there's just something about a monster in a blazer. It shows at least he's making an effort.
 Yeah, yeah.
Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) I'm sorry, I didn't know what to bring, nobody told me.
Hey, when I'm driving, I let people in ahead of me all the time. I'm always waving everybody in. 'Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.' ...All right. All right. I'll have a chicken salad.
Seriously?
What could you possibly like about that?
Yes, I know. I've flown before.
It's softer.
Yes.
He sold religious articles the statues of Jesus, the virgin Mary, that were manufactured in Korea.
There isn't?
What is that?
The Inka-dink.. You were It.
I think I finally figured out what the flavor is in this gum. It's a little lo-mein-y. (he spits it into the waste bin)
I bought a bottle of BBQ sauce in Memphis. I think the stewardess broke it when she tried to jam it into the overhead compartment because of this
Well, what d'you think the hoboes are doing?
Are there golf clubs in the back?
Did she do the little kicks and the thumbs?
I don't know. So what's this job of yours?</font>
And you were integral.
Hey. How's the new place?!
I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad.
So what d'you have to do? Pay to keep it clean?
Well, I guess she's batted around and she's back at the top of the order.
It wasn't Whitey Fisk, was it?
Oh, the sex is wild but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it!
Mmhu.
Well, I got to talk her out of this.
Hey.
Do medical schools actually do this?
Hey, look at the high score--'G.L.C.' George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it?
I don't know. It must be love.
(CONT'D) Hmmm...I thought it was...
He moves them from one side of the street to the other so you don't get a ticket.
Psychics, vacations. How about getting a job?
Well let me tell you something about George. He is fast. He can run like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred pounds over his head without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook.
(sincerely disappointed) Oh, Saturday... I'm working, I'm going out of town.
Oh yeah? What did he say?
Boysenberry, Huckleberry ...
On many factors.
Nothing. (Elaine grabs Jerry's sandwich and is about to take a bite.) Hey, where you goin' with that? Gimme that. (Takes back the sandwich.)
How can he not know that?
I mean what if, what if, this this guy has got all my money. Plus he has got some Kramer's money with him. This guy could write checks to himself right out of my account.
Oh hi Enzo. 
Yeah I know... She just wants to have sex. 
Jane's topless. (They all look)
Yeah. (sings) There she is...Miss - yes, room 417 please? Karen Hanson?
I don't need a bunch of people staring at us.
He say anything?
No, but he would've read your face.
Oh, come on, be a come-with guy.
Stolen?
Yeah, I'll have the egg salad on whole wheat.
I only eat cantaloupe at certain times...
I know, I know.
Hey, Lou, who's that woman over there?
Bye.
'Well , where is it?.'
Well be sure to catch a Broadway show while you're in town. 
Isn't that the same temperature the coffee that scalded you?
Hard to believe.
Hey.
Hey. What's with your neck?
(to George) I mean, come on. (a thought occurs) No, the stupidest thing you ever said was when you said Steve Kroft from Sixty Minutes is the same guy from *Seals and Croft*.
Projectionists. 
Euhh...Elaine....
I know, I feel bad about that...
You know, if your future was a little more certain..
Well why are you going?
(taking the envelope) Oh no, not more checks. They're coming faster than I can sign 'em.
Where are you sitting?
I went to the movies last night, I went to the bathroom and I unbuckled a little wobbly and the buckle kind of banged against the side of the urinal. So...(throws away belt) that's it!
When is this suppose to be?
(Pleading) I'm really sorry.
And weren't there a feats of strength that always ended up with you crying?
(doubtful) You were in the Army?
Busboys are always changing jobs. That's the business. I know. I work with these guys. I tallk to them in the kitchen at the comedy clubs.
I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid, she a little off.
No, I can't I gotta watch Farfel, you and George can go without me.
You know, I could probably shoot him from here. I'd be doing us both a favor.
If it was real ,they would never let it out of the country. No baldness , it'd be like a nation of Supermen.
Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, the hit and run. Well. Actually, the guy went into Queens.
Who's there?
No they're not, they used to be.
Oh, yeah. Right. Like anybody's ever gonna do this! How did you get me to go along with that? A show about nothing!
What are you talking about? It's my car. Let me pay for the gas.
What do you mean they're not going to do anything, they're the cops, they gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you know what the kibosh means, its a kibosh!
You? 
Well, so what? It's not that long-- you'll read.
I don't know why you want to play man-to-man when you could play a zone.
I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was O.K...
What records?
You're sure?
(to Kramer) Who is it?
I'm going to psyche myself into it like those people that just walk across the hot coals. 
oh.. whoa.. 
How do you stop a kid from growing?
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
 Yeah.
I'm in for five...
Yeah, they're so funny and so comfortable with each other, and I could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit on a porch and wrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session.
No.
More sheets per roll
I did.
George, does your father speak Korean?
Well...
Yeah, those civil servants who risk their lives really got it made.
It's very bad.
It's Chinese gum, Lloyd Braun gave me.
(to himself) Once a week? (to Uncle Leo) So how's Lydia?
I don't care about the sauce. It came in this funny little bottle, and there was a guy on the label that looked exactly like Charles Grodin.
You weren't supposed to say that.
All right. Enjoy'Blame it on the Rain'
I don't know, but we don't have much time.
For some time... (video of Elaine dancing on the street with Jerry and the street musicians watching her awful dance) It was about five years ago. I never knew what to say to her about it. It was one of those problems I hoped would just go away.
Mmmm.</font>
I'm on next, right?
(pulling on a jacket) Mmm-hmm.
Because this is very good. (Points back and forth between them to indicate friendship)
That old scam.
Here comes one.
What's with you?
So?
She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route; years of rejections and failures till she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
What?
Wow. What are we celebrating?
I remember that night.
All right, I'm worming.
Na, that's not such a good idea.
I thought it was over there.
 Yeah, this has got disaster written all over it.
Yeah, like fifty bucks a month.
Alright, come on, lets get out of here.
Come on, let's do it, I think they'll really get along.
I'll tell you what, I'll give you my number and uh, just give me a call, tell me whenever you want to go.
No, come on, Kramer. What did he say?
Raspberry, Strawberry ...
Well, how long you've been seeing her. What's your phone call frequency? Are you on a daily?
I took two bites, how am I finished? (Elaine coughs.) Plus you're coming down with something? You want me to get sick? (Offers Gail the sandwich) Bite?
I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway.
Then, what was all that sniffing?
Oh, man, that yogurt place - you're going to make a fortune.
No, actually I was just gonna... 
So it's like going to Idhao and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idhao, I want a potato. 
Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
Of course, they're polyester.
What was that?
Well ... ok, I guess (voice trailing off)
Oh, nothing in particular.
Do you ever win at poker?
(to Kramer) You left the door open?!
...all right!
I'll give you a year.
I don't know.
Even if the dialogue did ring true. (Donna starts to get annoyed that Jerry won't let the conversation go) Even if somehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that have to do with the pants? Doesn't that bother you?
'AMCA?'
Oh! There coming to town tomorrow by the way. 
Hi.
Shhhhh! All right, Bania, I - I'm not letting you cut in line.
Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number.
But you gotta know how to work the projector. 
No I can't. I gotta pick up Elaine. I'm taking her to this Kennedy auction.
Eh.
Well, ah.. (Takes his pillow) What? Kind of like this? (Violently smothers George with the pillow. George freaks out. He didn't think Jerry would actually do it)
What are you talking about?
(Correcting her) Edmund Fitzgerald.
Hi. Sorry I'm late. There's a lotta chairs and balloons in my apartment. How 'bout I make it up to you with dinner?
Oh yes, quite.
Saturday?.. Well, I have a show in Buffalo on Saturday. They're not gonna bust up my apartment, or anything, are they?
So, this is beautiful. You, and Puddy, and this new guy, in a big pot of love stew.
(Confused) Where'd you get that one?
Except the store's in Delaware.
Yeah...
I think the phone is ringing.
(Jokingly trying to be skeptical) No, you're not.
I'd love to, but I don't know anything about him. He could be one of those people that walks around the street pricking people with pins.
Sure.
I dunno, it was an impulse.
Over the bridge. (Making a pointing motion with his hand)
They're right behind the dugout, George, first row!
Oh like you do.
Dad!
I mean it's a terrible mistake, I mean he thinks I ruined some deal of his at NBC, I don't know anything about any deal at NBC.
You'll be out before we get the check. 
We'll call him...
Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that like the end of the world, or something?
Well then, that's it. That's the end of that.
NBC!?! Give me the phone!
Ah! You're fine. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm the one who's dying.
Yeah, take it easy. (Leaves)
Are you okay? Did he bite ya?
I have to. I won't be able to live with myself. 
Oh yeah. 
well maybe she couldn't spare it 
I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking about the financial crisis at PBS. Show us you care. Call in your pledge now.
I am very excited about this date! We're goin' to Hunan Balcony!
Uh, no. Should I have?
 Ok.
(thinking) Uh-oh... What do we have here?
I have to say, those people talking behind us really ruined that movie for me.
Yeah, I think I will. I like the idea of having the law on my side.
Comes in a wide variety of colors.
I got you an apartment in the building.
Oh, hi Gennice.
Really?
Pulp couldn't make it across the table.
I don't ask those kind of questions anymore.
You're lucky they let you drive a car.
Yeah, what happened?
I don't know how you do it.
No, you don't see - because I'm going on the show this week, and this was going to be my bit on the show.
That's not the point. You put me in a position where I had no choice.
There really building a Utopian society up there huh.And you tribute all this to the calzone.
(indicating) This is Elaine Benes.
The city's probably teeming with people who've been waiting out that marriage.
Gillian. Hiii..
And by then you've lost interest.
I don't know why. There's a one-second clip of me in the opening credits of some Japanese comedy show.
The, the meeting you blew off?</font>
The guy with the lizard.
George used up all my guest passes already.
(Sympathetically) She coming of a bad break-up?
That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed.
At the side of the road, with a pile of garbage.
Your whole building smells like potatoes.
(seeing Kramer struggle to open a soda, spilling it all over) I think the damage is probably already done. (interrupting Kramer's inadequate attempt to clean up the soda) All right! I'll get that. Well, maybe she just practices good hygiene.
So?
Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble...
With the little legs?
They're not letting me in.
Not now. She's right inside.
Oh, he sang like a canary.
Casus belli.
 Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight.  In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it.
The whole block, forty, fifty cars.
I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits.
Yeah, come on, it's a good match.
Oh. that would be great.
I don't know him. I know who he is.
Kramer, just tell me what the guy said.
Peach.
What about Saturday nights? Do you have to ask her out, or is a date implied?
We'll be funny.
I don't know. Once he leaves the building, he's out of my jurisdiction.
Yes, they do!
What?
Today's not cold.
Well, maybe we should.
They're doing an incredible business.
Well I, if it's your day off I really... (tries to leave) 
Why do they wear polyester?
Yeah.
I did not cheat.
Wait, you left the lock open or the door open?
It's very good.
It's a bet.
Maybe.
But they're talking about nothing.
'Naaaaaa...I can't watch a man sing a song.'
Don't ask. 
Yeah, so.
Because if he catches us, we'll never be able to get soup again.
Hey. What's the matter?
Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it.
And it's probably a union thing. 
No.
Lomez is Jewish?
(Gives Elaine a look) No, Gordon Lightfoot was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that Mongolian barbecue last night. I'd heard good things.
What academy?
Of course it's a sliding scale.
'Cause I've seen these pregnant women - and they sometimes misjudge their fetal girth. Just like one wrong turn, and boom! And entire buffet is swept off the table.
Maybe cheapness is a sense. You know it is better without this big wallet. It's more comfortable.
No, go ahead.
Would you hold it a second?! Thank you, will you get out of here with that stuff?
(Still skeptical) No, he doesn't.
I think I remember why we stopped coming here.
What do you need me for?
Tell her. I wanna hear her reaction.
How could I know she would start to laugh?
Yeah, Queens.
George, it says it here on the phone. It's 12145 Ventura Boulevard. Aha, ok...do we know where the 101 is? (George shakes his head) No...do we know where 170 is? (George shakes his head) No...do we know where 134 is? (George just looks at Jerry) No. Aha, ok. (Jerry hangs up) He's gonna send a black and white to pick us up.
A circus?
(interrupts) What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What're you doing? Give me that phone! Go to your apartment and lie down, I'll make an appointment for a doctor today. (on the phone) Hello? Oh hi! I'm sorry. No, that's my next door neighbor. He's not quite himself. He got kicked in the head. What? Really? You're kidding! Today? Yeah! Sure! We could make it. Two o'clock? Yeah, we would do that. Okay. Great! Thanks a million! Okay, bye.
I have money. I make money.
That?s what I?ll do, I?ll just call him and tell him, I?ll tell him. That?s all I?ll do. He's a human being, I?ll talk to him. He'll understand. Right?
(Rejecting) Ohh, no. No, no, no.. 
No time? [To ticket lady] Is there time?
George I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Actually, we met in the gym locker room.
Just 'cause of that? It's like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat!
(to Kramer) Hey (snaps fingers) get your stuff, let's get going.
Get off the phone!
Because I can't act! I stink! I don't what I'm doing!
I can't. 
Oh I don't know. Not always. No I uh I had to work at it. When I was a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in my room practicing my kissing. 
well, you know, sometimes a square is everything 
Oh, in a minute, Carol.
Oh, I know you are.
She suggested it!
I don't know.
Do it tomorrow. Well go to the movies.
 Hey.
Well, look at this guy. Look, he's got everything, he's got detergents, sprays, fabric softeners.  This is not his first load.
Oh, I can't. Uh, I have a tendency to get chilly.
What do you want me to do? I gave the guy the half-turn. (acts like he did in the movie) Then I gave him the full-turn with the eye roll. (does the next look) I mean, beyond that, I'm risking a punch in the mouth. (To a stock boy) Excuse me, do you have these in the puffs?
(to Elaine) Seriously, do you wanna switch chairs?
Remember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old woman who lived above me?
This is George, this is Kramer.
I can?
Hey, I eat healthy. If I have to take out an eye, that's the breaks.
Ah, hi Jean-Paul. Nice to meet you.
You know, I remember when we parted company, I was babbling incoherently for months.
Sue Ellen Mishke?  
A man like you, limiting yourself to one woman, I don't know. But it's none of my business.
I'm out.
Oh, come on.
And what about that guy asking you out right in front of me?
With you two guys at the helm. The last piece of the puzzle is in place.
It's like when tenant dies in a rent controlled building - you gotta take immediate action.
It's nice to meet you!
What made him get that thing?
(Acts like he was cought red-handed) Elaine, what are you doing here? (Takes the pillow off George, and puts it back on his bed)
(opening the envelope and pulling out a stack of checks) They run it all the time, and now I'm starting to get all these royalty checks.
Wasn't that kind of important?</font>
But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something.
Stop the mail?
Mmm.
No, you walk out.
George's girlfriend, Elaine thinks she looks like me but I think it's as you would say,kookie talk.
Well, I think we're gonna need more than a hand. They have to see a human face.
I don't know. We decided we don't really work as a couple.
Not here? Why was I told to come down here?
 Thirty-six.  What's the signal?  Howbout this?  Chicken wing?  No, no, no, I got a better one.  Head patting.
Why don't get we together New Years day and watch some football.
Oh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits.
Naturally.
I know. He got the hit in game SIX. So, so then what happened?
Please, don't make me beg.
Elaine...
Come on. I don't want to tag along with George and Susan. If you're there it'll be a better group.
She got anything in your medicine cabinet?
So, I'm thinking of putting in na tropical fish tank right here.
Alright. So, where ya cookin' now?
Well there's spaces there, they must drive!
Are you saying...
Right.
How did you know?
Well I don't want to take too much off. 
Jerry.
You're going to do something about it?
Oh, he's just jealous because he came in second.
The door? You left the door open?
How can you talk to someone like that?
Good.
Do you want it?
I know the point.
'They get all emotional , they sway. It's embarrassing.'
No ,it's George ( Elaine laughs heartily) 
What move?
What?
(waving his arm in dismissal) Eh.
What about?
(to Rava) So, where's this boyfriend of yours? I can't wait much longer. I've got a flight.
Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it.
Talk show host. That's good. 
Yeah.
She had man-hands.
I'm getting bumped? You're bumping me from career day?
What?
Come on.
Any messages?
You lost Phil Rizzuto's head?!
Lemme just check my messages. (to himself) Maybe a nicer girl called.
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o! (haha)
And if you do?
That doesn't punish me. It punishes Elaine! And cruelly, I might add.
Why?
George, who is that woman in the stripes?
Oh, come on!
Hello?
Yes, it can.
I really have to go to the bathroom.
(pushes George) NOT THAT YOU IDIOT!!
Hey Sid, what happened?
Can we just go in already?
Who is it? Who is it?
It's been three days and he hasn't called.
So he gets out of the car, I say, 'Hey buddy! I saw you hit that car!' So he says to me, 'What are ya gonna do about it?'
A cop car.
I don't think so.
NBC! They wanna have another meeting about the idea.
You don't think I make money. That's what you think isn't it?
Oh, I got the machine.
(Showing difference) It's apples and oranges.. 
There's no time. All right, we'll call him from the plane.
No, no Isabella's, I don't want to go to Isabella's.
You don't touch the nose! You don't aspire to reach the nose. You don't unhook anything to get to a nose, and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril.
What?
You know I'm waiting to hear from them. Who was it?
This show's gonna ruin my entire career. I don't know how I got involved in this.
Maybe they're admiring your spot.
I don't know, 'Hi'. 
(to Jody) My neck is killing me. Right in this spot. Very tender over here. 
To wash my hands. They're sticky from the orange. 
Elaine, you cannot judge a person on a situation like that. I mean it's like asking for someone's canteen in the desert 
This is weird wild stuff. George hasn't even seen her yet.
I did.
She's very assimilated.
Yeah, yeah, lucky me. (sips coffee)
 Yes it is.  I got it as a gift, it's a Label Baby Junior.
And you didn't even hear how she sounded.
Plus I'm wearing short sleeves, I don't want to expose my tattoos. (Vanessa smiles; thinking) She's unbelievable!
She died.
Playing today?
What?
Hey!
Sorry about the Olympics.
Medium crab bisque.
Sounds familiar.
Well...
(Sarcastic) Thanks for the tip.
Alright.
...'s very emasculating, he doesn't know the nature of our relationship. You're there approving new clothes.....That's a girlfriend job! How dare he!!
So you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind.
Their grieving time is a luxury I can't afford. I'm calling Beth tonight, and if you want a clean shot at David, I suggest you do likewise.
Not a very long trip. (Enter Kramer)
(Whispering) There's nothing wrong with him. I saw the doctor. He's fine.
Naw. Each one is for like twelve cents. It's barely worth the pain in my hand to sign 'em.
(Sarcastic) Yeah, and it was rammed by the Cat Stevens.
For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa.
Hi!
(doing the voice) La la la.
So he just sidles up?
(playing Scrabble with his naked girlfriend) Zephyr? That is not a word.
No, you wait for the movie!
(As George is leaving for the donuts) Au revoir, Le George. 
Well...
There. (turns to George) So, how did it go?
Everything.
So, did you two, uh, ... have uh, ...
Colin?
So I said to him, 'Whatever's necessary.'
Kramer, please tell me what the guy said.
Take the keys.
Ah, it's an autographed picture for my dry cleaner. I never know what to write on these things. I hate doin' this.
What?!
Ah hah. Let me ask you this. Is there any tampax in your house?
Well, I figure if it doesn't work out I can always flush them down the toilet.
Ah, the power lunch crowd.
[quizzically] Live together?
With me?
Oh I'm gonna take you over to the emergency room.
(answering the buzzer) Yeah?
No.
Keep it. (implied: please) 
No reason...
Paul again?
Ah ha...
Yes
Yeah, and?
Listen, Joel. There's something I have to tell you...
You know, my friend told me about this great place in Vermont.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, Uncle Leo.
Okay, take it.
I mean, all those quick shots of the pants. Just pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be?
(surprise) You? Wh...what're you doing here? You work at this building too?
'I don't think so.'
Wait a second. *My* move?
Well, that's a big move, Georgie boy. Are you confident in the 'I love you' return?
Really? I'm surprised, he doesn't meet that many women.
I got a date with that girl, Lena.
And in the end Lloyd Braun became more like you.
Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned it...
(looking at Kramer) This is nice.
Really? 
Well, what's going on? What is this thing?
The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.
Kramer, you know, I--
You use a Water Pik?</font>
And you misinterpret this how?
(tossing the ball) Here you go.
They act like it was some act of charity. Just going out with her.
No.
Hello? Who's this?
Didn't go for it, huh?
Hey, Frankie! So, where's the car?
I think we might have one left in the stock room.
But look at this thing. It's-it's huge. You got more cow here than here.
She looks so familiar.
Elaine?
No. (George grabs his jacket) So now you're going to his apartment? I really think this is nuts.
No, I can't trust him, he gets insane. I won't enjoy myself. That's right, Farfel, I'm talking about you!
Well what am I supposed to do now?
Hey, how'd you do on that IQ test?
The Chinese , the Chinese bald cure.
 Yeah, yeah I did.
You left the keys in the car?
Who?
I can't ... I can't
I thought it sounded kind of cool.
I don't think the network will go for it.
I don't know about sixty.
Yes you do. That's what you both think.
Nice!
Because you're a woman! 
I'll take the first class.
No, it's too trendy, no Isabella's.
Well, I take it very seriously.
Oh, the 'triangle' guy.
All right. Now you're doing something to help me. (to the phone) Hello yeah it's Jerry Seinfeld returning the call. Uh-huh.. O.K. great thanks a lot. (hangs up)(to George) Casting tomorrow at NBC. 4:00. We're in business baby, the pilot's on. You're gonna successful. (George looks disappointed)
This actress playing Elaine, she's out of her mind.
Well..
Right there. 
it's battle conditions 
What?
It was unbelievable. You're right the jokes kept bouncing off her like superman.
 Tim Whatley?
Laura.
What's brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each other through. Because whenever you think about this person in terms of the future, you have to magnify everything about them. You know, like the guy'll be like, 'I don't think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life?' And of course the woman's looking at the guy, thinking, 'What is he looking at? Do I want somebody looking at me like this for the rest of my life?'
David Putty used *my* move?
She died.
They really stick to that understudy rule.
Boy.
Have I ever been less than forthright?
Just forget it. Let it go.
So what do you write, children's books?
Oh, yeah, you mentioned her.
Hey, it happens.
Hey. Hey, this is for you. (Taps the gift) It's from.. uh, Susan's roommate, Sally.
So George. Remember when I told you Nikki gets whatever she wants. We are at the movies last night. It's sold out. Nikki goes and talks to the manager. Right in.
But we gotta make it seem like we're not calling for dates.
I don't even have the extra ticket yet.
Why?
(disbelief) Milos?
She wants to talk.
But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call.
Thanks, it's a breakaway.
Damn it, they gave me cream! I asked for nonfat milk!
Quiet. I'm trying to get a picture.
Maybe you just didn't see him.
No, I do not challenge.
You don't need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that, it's all computerized! (Snaps) They're cloning sheep now.
So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more 'grease monkey'. 
(walking towards door with Elaine) How long did you last? (opens door)
So, who's gonna pull this thing?
The stare-ahead. I hate that. I use it all the time.
Shh! Nothing, nothing.
I'll wait.
Yeah right.
... You know
What for?
Kramer!
O.K.!
Yeah, see that's why I hate it. So, come on, you going to go?
(Looking at his watch) You got four hours! What about the script?
Well, I'll tell you what you've got here.
What's that perfume you're wearing?
Why *is* that?
You faked with me?
(To George:) Hey, any luck? Did you catch 'em?
Hey, I had the show of my life last night. I ad-libbed like ten new minutes.
I know.
(thinking to himself; picks up a tube) 'Fungicide'. Fungus? 
It's a mammal.
I can't wait.
Faster than a speeding bullet Lois.
(thinking) What's going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, she's too good to be alone. What's the difference, I can't maneouver anyway with Elaine next to me.
So the door was wide open?
It's great! It speeds up the intimacy level. It's like putting the relationship in a time compressor. Where we would be six months from now we accomplish (snaps his fingers) three days.
It's too far.
Right. For the reducing of the pond scum?
I'm supposed to see her again on Thursday, but can I go out with someone who actually likes this commercial?
So you work all day as a doorman at one building. Then you come home and stand outside your own building?
(interrupting) 'Elaine , I really don't...............pay much attention to men`s faces.'
Cause if you don't get that return, that's a pretty big matzoh ball hanging out there.
Hi,
Ah...catalog writer's block?
Well, what's to be said? He didn't remember you.
I actually met her a few weeks ago, but... (Jerry stops, and mentally visualizes George telling Susan about how Jerry got Lena's number from the AIDS list...then Susan passing the information along to Monica on the phone at work.)
Aren't you coming with us to Spartacus?
Hey, you'll never guess who I bumped into. This guy Clyde. He's in your friend John Germaine's band there.
Awright.
Morning?
Well, that's where it gets tricky. 
Would she have hooks?
Yeah. 
So you go in the bathroom at eleven your in bed by what, two?</font>
I'm sure she was just being nice, buying you the coffee.
There is no way Ellen is the loser of that group.
Seven?
Oh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? Yeah, that's a good idea.
So, she didn't appreciate the erotic qualities of the salted cured meats?
Inside the van?
Irish money?
I'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it.
How much are they payin' you?
George??
You, you're going now?
All right Thanks. Come on lets go
No I meant the bald cure. We were talking about the bald cure.
(Patting his head:  I'm a comedian.
Oh, uh, I think maybe Dick picked up yours.
Martine?
I don't know. I just feel he should call me.
What?
Oh, you are? I guaranty you, Lupe is going to tuck your covers in.
Look, I'm not pitching a show about freaks.
Ted Danson! Now, how are you comparing us to Ted Danson?
Dad I'm paying.
(into phone) Hello Joe, listen this is Jerry Seinfeld, I really think there?s been a huge colossal misunderstanding,
It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man. 
What?
Know *what*?
Yeah, you liked him. What happened with him?
Why?
Excuse me?
Fungicide. I mean what could she have? 
oh.. Jane she uh.. she uh.. 
I'm going to the hospital, to visit Fulton.
Certainly are.
No?
I tried! Your line's crossed with a Chinese woman!
Well, go in there and talk to her. She's not going to put 'em on the glass.
And even when she did like something, she doesn't laugh. She says, 'That's funny.' ... That's funny!
 One Tim Whatley!
Yeah, but how could you be so sure?
What is that song?
(adamant) Well, I'm going on record right now that that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.
Are you sure?
And the rent is only four hundred dollars a month!
I'm glad we had this talk.
Yeah, I probably have. Yeah, of course I have. What am I talking about?
He has no idea who you are.
(Annoyed at the thought) Nobody hit anything off. She just gave me the box. (Looks over at Kramer. He is scraping the BBQ sauce off Jerry's clothes with a knife, then dipping some bread into it) What the hell are you doing?
She's like a beautiful Godzilla.
Oh my God!
Good question. (More to himself than to Elaine) Why are we calling?
Hey Elaine if a guy wanted to end a relationship with you . What could he do?
Nobody needs to talk.
Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.
Absolutely.
1%?! They can kiss 1% of my ass!
(Pleading) Leave me alone.
Hakuna Matata?
I'd accuse you of cheating, but I don't know where you'd hide the tiles.
So, why don't you just try your blow-off number and see if he's called it?
Oh. Sorry, I didn't know.. 
I can't go.
Alright.
What about?
Why?
No!
She happy for you?
Well you can't just mention it and then not tell me.
Your spare set?
Well, um same bed ...
You got yourself a girlfriend.
What is that smell?
Look who's here! Georgie-boy!
Hey. You know, I do kinda wonder what fake breast feel like.
You faked with me?
Yeah.. yeah.
All right, I'm gonna take Elaine over to the hospital.
(pulling out a tape from his pocket) Vvvvup. Right there. I got it. I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire. Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your feet up?
What if I shampoo? Sometimes a shampoo helps. 
Mmm. Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie.
Yeah, got it from the bank.
Oh, here she comes. (They pretend to not have watched as Jane enters)
Clever.
Uh, friend of a friend. And you?
(to Elaine) And where were you?
Listen, Joel, I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Exactly. I love Phase Two. Extra toothbrushes, increased phone call frequency, walking around naked. You know, the presents get a lot better in Phase Two.
I'm not pulling a shopping cart. What, am I suppose to wear a kerchief? Put stockings on and roll 'em down below my knee?
Oh, yeah. Where the people eat the plant life. The edible foliage tour.
No kidding. Did you tell him that was the reason?
Look, I'm not going in your building. I really don't have to talk to you. Goodbye.
'No... I find them repugnant and unappealing.'
It's okay...it's just a hot dog, (still sobbing) everything is going to be okay.
(pause) So what happened? The snooze alarm, wasn't it?
I know.
I didn't call her till today.
All right...
I thought your parents were outta town?
Nothing. I told him you two were pretty hot and heavy.
That is just shameless, I don't know, There's no--
(looks at watch) Ten-thirty.
I wouldn't think so. 
(re-entering) Hey, you're not talking that Michigan deposit bottle scam again, are you?
Kinda cool lookin'..
How could that be?
Who's it from? 
Ah, who are any of her losers?
You're crazy.
No, I'm being as superficial as I possibly can!
Which part? The renovating the restaurant you don't own part or spending the two hundred million you don't have part?
Natural? Sex is about love between a man and a woman, not a man and a sandwich.
We were ten.
Show this card at any participating Orlando-area Exxon station...to get your free 'Save the Tiger' poster.
You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks.
Kramer?!
That's funny because I haven't seen you working for a while. A long while.
Oh, I knew it was you, I was joking. I'm a comedian.
Maybe the fat camp. (To Elaine) You're not going?
(tries to explain to Morty but Elaine then comes out of the guest room to get more luggage, so he fakes a conversation) ...but you know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes. Where were they five years ago? It just goes to show you. You never know what... huh (waiting for Elaine to go back in the guest room) you know... huh... What could happen to a vegetable. It could just take right off at any time. (Morty finally gets it. So Jerry goes on quieter) We've tried all kind of arrangements, but we can't seem to be friends when we sleep together.
Oh, it's nothing...
(still Patting)  I hear a voice.
I didn't know you meant *hold* it, I thought you meant hold it.
Oh, Martin!
You don't understand, Elaine. I don't want to be overanxious. If he wants to see me he has my number, he should call.
Oh, it was nothing.
Her tip.
Hello Newman.
Yes, you did. You said 'We're Ted Danson'!
You're not paying.
and I feel if we can just talk about this we can straighten the whole thing out, so listen, so call me back. Bye.
We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh.. shaving. 
Elaine, have you ever flown first class?
Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I *knew* you looked familiar!
Artsy?
You mentioned the raisins.
(touching the back of his neck) It's like somebody's pulling on wires back here. 
yeah that should be real fun 
(watching the whole conversation from his desk) What plans?
Well--
Pull yourself together. Your going in there soldier! That's an order!
I mean how can I be with someone that doesn't laugh. It's like ... well it's like something!
 The same, he sent it as a thank you for my Super Bowl tickets.
No.
You know, Schumann went mad from that.
Well, you know, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time.
I can't believe it. He *stole* my move.
Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium to the floor ...door comes down. Hides your feet. Yes. I like it. I like it a lot.
All right. Anyway, the point I was making before Goerbbles made your hamburger is a man like you could be dating women twenty years younger. C'mon Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last time you looked in a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features, lovely skin, you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging. If I were you I'd tell this Lydia character, 'It's been real,' move back into that bachelor pad and put out a sign; Open for business.
(Pleading) Hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on.
(Nodding, trying it out) 'I'm there for you.'
I'm not really a duck fan, the skin seems sort of human.
Elaine, I paid two hundred dollars for this racquet, because he said it's the only one he plays with. He could've played just as well with a log.
What'd ya do?
Now here's another little rule.
Well, they're not here. You'll have to dig up your spare set.
Oh, I'm taking this lace out. It came undone and touched the floor of a men's room. That's the end of that.
You're damn right you're not buying it!
I'm not getting illegal cable!
That doesn't make it right.
Sure.
I saw one once that could do sign language. 
(Extremely happy about Kramer and Newman's dilemma) My, isn't this an awkward moment?
One more lane to go.
Because I have to watch idiot Farfel.
Maybe I should just go anytime I get the urge like you...wherever I am. There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.
Hey! Is that Peter? ...I can't believe it. Get me a cup of Decaf. (leaves table)
I know, but I'm distracted now.
She's good looking.
Did he kiss you good night?
No. Why?
I'm not saying anything, I'm putting it in the vault, I'm locking the vault, it's a vault!
You want 'em back?
.. and uh, underwear and a tee shirt.
I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily with tampax in his house and an implied date on Saturday night. I would like to help you out, but...
It smells like the beach.
There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that...
You? How do you know?
No.
What's the matter?
I'm telling you, I got like a whole new Tonight Show here.
I can't. He loves me. He says I'm his most loyal customer. Plus he's right there on the corner. I'd have to pass him every day when I go by. 
Exactly
I love the black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony. It's a wonderful thing isn't it?
Hey.
Pardon?
No thanks.
All right. You're in MY face.
Yes.
Get in there. (he pushes George in the direction of the restaurant)
The Jujy Fruits?
This friendship: It's not working.
Yeah. We can fish. What? Blues, carp, marlin?
I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in.
Mickey Mantle?
(pointing Kramer) 'To wit'
Well, so it wasn't a total loss.
Four hundred a month.
AM/PM.
Yeah, I know.
What?
I gotta get to the airport.
Yeah.
It's wrong, it's rude, and it's incorrect.
(realising) Ohh, I don't believe this. I forgot to give it back. It belongs to the Friars Club.
All right. Okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else? 
What the hell is all this?
Does she hate cigarettes?
(leaving too) Yeah. Yeah.
No, George was there, he said he had a great time.
What if I don't want it? 
George.
Yeah?
What're you doing here?
Good meeting?
Ok...
No resources, no skill, no talent, no ability, no brains.
Maybe instead of trying to satisfy two of your needs, how about satisfying one of somebody else's.
I don't want a van.
See, to me, the Hakuna Matata is not nearly as embarrassing as the cup of soup...
What strike?
They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.
From what?
Ipecac? Kramer, I really think you guys are going too far with this.
I just don't think you should go alone. Can't you wait till after my set?
Why must you always be the focal point of attention? Why can't you just be? (Elaine laughs - hu) Why can't you live?
 A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator.
What?
I can't stand these guys. You give your number to them and then they don't call. Why do they do that?
Well he kinda lost his temper, and he was pushing me up against the car. So I went into a karate stance. (Jerry assumes karate position and does two punches)
Ok.
You know, I think he wears a piece.
No don't do this.  You're not doing this. I will fight you. No you don't... No.
All right then. See? You won't know what you're missing. I've flown first class, Elaine-- I can't go back to coach. I can't... I won't...
Would you care to join us?
Oh. (unh - very quiet sigh)
Did he take 'em?
A Mohel is the person that performs the circumcision.
Hey, maybe I should get Elaine something. 
yeah 
Where'd you get plans?
You signed your name and you addressed the envelope, it's not like you painted the picture and wrote the poem.
 Or maybe he liked your gift so much, he decided to get me the same thing.  Perhaps it's an homage.
Yeah.
(turning to Elaine; thinking) Oh no, not now.
No.
No, you idiot.
You're still thinking about this?
(to Elaine) And what's with that hairdo, by the way?
Yeah, and?
Oh, it wasn't like that! I didn't even mention you. You know, we were in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive to sex talk. It's a high-testosterone area.
Hey.
I think it's fantastic. I think it's a fantastic idea.
So ah, what did you do last night?
Well, keep looking.
Like what?
What is that smell?
Pride?
Hey, uh, before you go, did you talk to Newman about getting that mail outta there?
(pause) All night?!
When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.
So?
He killed. He only does well when he has me for a lead-in. He's a time slot hit.
I'm open. There's just nothing in there.
No, I read in the paper..
Yeah, Koko. 
So, you would date a married guy? That's so hacky.
He's breaking up with his girlfriend tonight.
I never feel comfortable in the women's department. I feel like I'm just a *little* too close to trying on a dress.
Very good looking.
What do you mean you don't know?
He can't hear us.
He what?
What is this?
Boy, you got a lot of stuff here. . . . Dad, what are you doing?
Well you'd be naked of course.
You're going to make a good father someday.
Oh my God is that the new perfume?
Oh, we're still going, we're still going. Elaine, do the spokes model.
I mean that's fine if that's who you are...
You faked it?
What is it?
I can't, I can't. I'd break his heart. 
I said I was coming down with the flu or something and I had to go home. 
I'm looking forward to it.
Oh, you want to try the syrup! (Meryl smiles and takes it. The waitress comes over.)
You're something. So anyway, when they were in my house before, I didn't offer them anything to drink.
Hey.
What noise?
We're just not suited to be friends.
Oh, big fighting marlin. (Jerry acts like he is catching a marlin)
You did it? What happened?
(eating a forkful) These peas are bursting with country fresh flavor.
'No ,Elaine and I we're just discussing whether I could admit a man is attractive.'
Hey, I forgot to tell you! I got tickets to the Rangers-Devils playoff game tonight!
Right upstairs.
Ah...the volume.
Yeah, you wrote a good piece on the Himalayan Walking Shoe.
I dunno. (Elaine enters.) Hey.
The uh toilet brush is under the sink.
What?
Breakfast?
No I gave it back to you
Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through. 
Why can't you do this on your table?
(leaving) You two keep an eye on each other?
Hey, remember Beth and David from yesterday? They got separated.
But you don't smoke.
Right. Well if you need an extra set of hands, I know who you can call--
Oh, what are you talkin' about?
Maybe I am. 
(Sarcastic) Hey, that was really fun, George. Can we go home now?
You asked her out?
Kramer wants to die with dignity.
Is he smart?
Well this is very awkward.
You can do that.
I can ball park it.
I told you George, no more pudding. I'm starting a purification program. Keep all that kind of food away from me.
You don't understand. This is Fragile Frankie Merman. When we were in camp, if you upset him, he'd run out to the woods, dig a hole, and sit in it.
Coughing... naked... It's a turn-off, man.
You?
50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.
(seeing that Kramer has a new watch) What's that?
Did he overdose?
Maroon Golf.
Take the K-man. A little support..
I'm looking. That's the point. I like looking.
This woman he's dating is making him take this IQ test for this course.
 It's a nervous tic.  I'm on L-Dopa.
Really John Mollika, they guy that used to bartend at the Comedy Club. How's he doing?
In my pajamas? I better get my robe.
I mean, I thought he liked me. I really thought he liked me. we were getting along. He came over to me I didn't go over to him.
I know a little.
What's this all about?
I'm ten minutes slow again! That's it for this piece of junk! I've had it.
Yeah, that's a point...
See ya.
Yeah.
Well if he didn't take 'em, what happened to 'em?
Oh, finding a Mohel is a piece of cake. Any idiot can find a Mohel. I have to hold the baby while they do it. That's a tough job. How would you like that?
What's the matter?
Ah, you know, I didn't drive her home. Plus, I give her a gift in front of Winona, how does that hurt me? 
I do.
Why, because I threw the card out? How long was I supposed to save it?
 Well how did he react when you gave it to him?
Maybe you're right.
Oh really? (tries turning away in the hopes Elaine gets the hint; thinking) Oh God, I gotta get out of this.
Because I spent my money on the Clapgo D-29. It's the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw. The door... (Jerry pushes the door shut.) ...MUST BE CLOSED!!
You don't know Robert Schumann? The composer?
She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee.
She looks like something out of an old high school yearbook. You should say something to her.
You know my parents are coming in and I got some clean up to do , so if you and Potsie are done scheming.... 
Well, I'm going down to that garage and telling him to stop doing it.
Yes, I do.
I know nothing, but what did you actually do?
I don't really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because there's that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house. You know, you're sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, 'I'm really sorry about this. I don't know why I left that stuff over there.' And that's why I could never be a maid, because I'd have an attitude. I'd find them, wherever they are in the house, 'Oh, I suppose you couldn't do this? No, don't get up, let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn't dust. No, this is too tough, isn't it?'
(Confused) Where's the punchline?
Well, you're your own boss now.
Hello.
Newman?
I'm flying down to Florida tomorrow.
And she wants to break up with you..
Well now we're gettin' somewhere.
Hmm. That looks new.
Thanks, Lyle...
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.
Oh, you think I'm lying about this?
Well, they might hook us up again.
What are you doing? Don't tell a woman she looks like a man and George doesn't want to hear his girlfriend looks like me and frankly neither do I
I'll tell you Lisi, I never expected that movie to--
No, I don't want that smell in the house.
Hey the woman got you a job. The least you could do is buy her a gift. How about this?
Really very good looking.
Well, what kind of a kiss? Was it a peck? Was it a kiss? Was it a long make out thing?
Where's he dropping us? Maybe we can get him to drop us right at my house?
A phony? He called me a phony?
We're going on a two day trip, what are you, Diana Ross?
Leave it. What about your back?
Fine. Break up with her. But you know what this means?
I can't believe this. My next door neighbour had the idea for this exact perfume last year. He even met with an executive at CALVIN KLEIN. I can't believe they stole his idea.
I mean I have many gay friends...
Real busy now down at the office?
That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
Puffy.
He was in the shop. I thought you told me he wasn't going to be there. 
Yeah. Let's go. 
I didn't open it. It was open. I just nudged it a little. 
Thank you. All right, look at all this stuff. What are we getting'?
Um, yeah...I think my wife and I'll have a little more coffee.
So, anyone sweaty comes into your house has to be offered a drink?
What?
What blah?
Look, you're a nice guy, it's just that... we don't have anything in common.
Is that my paper?
Uh-huh...
What d'you mean, breasts?
'Really!'
What about you, George?
Right above me.
Ah, separate knob.
Why would I wanna do that?
Yeah. (Kramer sits in the seat next to Jerry) Uh, uh, oh, oh, Over there. (points to the next seat over)
So what are you gonna do?
He really did an amazing job. Look! He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid! (Jerry opens refrigerator.) He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups! Come here, look at this. (He gets on his knees and points.) He cleaned the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter. How did he get in there?! He must be like Rubber Man!
Oh
We're only kidding!
So this Da Vinci sleep is working out?
Oh Come on!!
Maybe you can just go back. 
Are you sure you didn't hear my car making a funny noise? I know those two idiots did something to it.
What'd you say?
You know, I think I'm getting a little depressed about George's wedding.
Kramer?!
Now you're talkin' crazy!
I've never done it before. 
How could you ask her out?
Hey! Just like you pretend to be.
Hey, you don't play with that. That's going in my mouth.
So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?
What the hell is that?
Always helpful.
Oh my God!
When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.
Bagels?
No. We both just saw the same monkey. 
No, no tricks.
THIS is your hiding place?! (Elaine laughs)
Could you move your car back a little?
(TO KRAMER, RE:BOX) Will you let me help you with that?
It'll take two seconds.
Why did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me?
He backed off. Pretty pathetic actually.
I didn't know you had a motorctcle.
Yeah! But it never works. You know we're supposed to be there by two o'clock. We should take a cab.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sure you'll live.
That bothered you?
What's wrong with him?
Do you believe the deal we got on this? A big screen TV? At that price?
Hey.
Yeah, yeah, in a second, in a second. (And to George:) What do you mean you can't tell me?
You mean that wasn't uh.
Boy, it's hard to believe - with all that biting experience - a person could still make a mistake like that.
What about, what about this thing? 
I have sentimentality, really, I'm sentimental. Here, look. Here's some cards I've saved, these are birthday cards from my grandmother, see, I'm not a bad guy.
 He repeated the name of the gift?
This is insane. You know, I don't even know where she's staying! She, she's not gonna call me, this is unbelievable.
No kidding. (thinking) Why is this happening? Please, make her stop!
Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back, it was an accident.
Well, actually, we do have to kind of get going.
He went crazy from one note. He couldn't get it out of his head. I think it was an A. He kept repeating it over and over again. He had to be institutionalized.
Yeah. Kramer's the only person who could say something like that.
What's in? 
What?
Hmm.
Wow. That really is nothing.
Hey. So how was'Blame it on the Rain?'
Go ahead.
I do it, I'm not even getting the cleaning.
Listen, I want you to get the mail outta my storage unit.
They lied to me about selling the car. I'll lie to them about buying it back. They think they can dump six grand on me? Think again.
Uh-oh. 'Everybody breaks up at Pomodoro's.'
Tough one. You're call.
(uncomfortably) Yeah that's too bad.
Do I have to ask?
Hey, I called you last night, where were you?
Well, I'm not.
Stop shouting! You're ruining the reception.
You don't broach, you keep your mouth shut.
(Sarcastic) Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day.
Be that long. I mean, most action movies are--
... if this audit had happened to me and I didn't have this woman to help me I would have killed this man. I would have strangled the life out of him with my bare hands
No, it's like BO and cologne, they combine forces into some kind of strange mutant funk.
Yeah. She would love cashmere.
'Cut to the chase'?
Yes, I would take her out.
So, you like him.
Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything?!
Oh. But you essentially wear the same thing all the time.
The script, the pilot, the TV show. That's all over.
Bon voyage, Lainey!
And you're the model for this perfume?
What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
Excuse me. (Woman ignores him) Excuse me? (Still ignores him) Oh that's nice. That's right ignore me. That's real polite. Yea nobody's even talking to you. All you big lineswoman. Oh you've got some kind of a cool job. I know your type thinking your too good for everyone, but it's women like you (woman turns around and notices him) oh well, what are you deaf? 
I didn't want to hurt his feelings. 
Yeah. Good seeing you again Karen. 
I was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was no breaking and entering. I wouldn't do that. 
(on the phone) hey Andre, get the hell off the phone! 
Love that babka.
I really wanna have fun.
Hey, woahoh Fulton. It's me.
No. Jacket and tie: no cape.
Well, would you apologize for me? (Elaine nods. Poppie comes out of the kitchen.)
Why?
Oh, you think she was refunding?
Y-You didn't do anything. It's not you, it's me. It's- this is very difficult.
What? What news?
See, it's never as bad as you imagine.
So what? A lot of older men have that.
All the time.
Some people like to have the radio alarm a little louder than the radio.
Yeah, sounds like fun.
Little buffer zone.
Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? There's Elastic Man... Plastic Man...
Well, Clyde might not tell him.
She's your Lex Luthor!
A door mat? That's what she had me lug up from Memphis?!
What d'you call it?
Yeah. Pretend like it never happened. 
Sue Ellen Mishke, the braless 'O Henry' candy bar heiress.
Yeah. Well once he gets married that's it, she'll probably get pregnant, they'll move to Westchester. I'll never see him again.
It--eight o'clock in the morning! What the hell is goin' on?!
(Makes sound) Oh there's my call waiting, I gotta get goin'.
Why not? 
Signed over a hundred checks this morning.
So you're enjoying the not enjoying.
I remember when you wouldn't date that girl who lived in Queens because you didn't want to go over the bridge!
D'you get someone to take that Canadian quarter?
I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me!
All right, that's enough. Now get going. Get outta here. (Tim and his staff enter)
How did you get this in here?
But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing, good; naked crouching, bad. Hey, there's Hanke.
I'm going for the record.
You're not worried somebody's gonna pee on it?
No see, he's not smart. People think he's smart, but he's not.
Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one.
We don't have two seconds?
What did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me? I mean here I meet this guy this great guy, a baseball player, best guy I ever met in my life. .. Well that's it. I'm never giving my number out to another guy again.
Hey, get out of here...hey officer, he's fooling around back here.
You have a girlfriend?
I'll pay for it.
You come all the way up here to see a back specialist and you're lifting heavy suit cases.
Hi.
Uh, that's him. He just came home. ... Uh, the door [Jerry pushes his door against Kramer's entrance]
That's very nice of you, but I can't do the voices.
It did?
It was a *joke*...
Any luck?
I'm asking!
No.. you?
Yeah. You know, kind of a peace offering. Cute. 
To my beautiful wife.
(as Kristin is storming out) Well, but, you see, I saved something! See? I can save. I'll see you at the pledge drive, ok?
 Oh, well, if you repeat the name of the gift, you can't possibly like it.
No no no, don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what it's doing. Just let it finish.
(thinking) This is brutal.
Oh, c'mon! It's down again?!
I know exactly what's gonna happen tonight. I'm gonna try and act like I'm not impressed, he's gonna see right through it.
Aah! .. right. The ones from Oregon that are only ripe for two weeks a year.. 
No! He stole my move!
See, now that I don't care for.
Forget it.
Oh!! Let me ask you a question. Was the movie part of the bet?
Wait a second. Turbo? I didn't have a turbo.
Who's stopping you?
No kidding?
Hello. Anybody?</font>
(Confused) What are you talking about?
Excuse me?
You really like this girl.
Fine. Well.
So, George...
(uncomfortably) Nothing.
Why are you buttering your face?
George?
Oh, stop it.
What you're suggesting is illegal.
Oh, why?
How did he find out?
Yeah! Because of you.
So, Leo, how's everything? You doin' Okay?
Not as long.
Well Cindy, the place looks great.
You can't do that. You can't just leave the group.
Have you ever been through an audit?
Nah. You two go.
Look at this. It's 85 dollars marked down from 600.
What're you, 'Joe Hollywood'?
What hesitate? I didn't hesitate!
Ah, I'm jealous of everybody.
What?
Ah, nah! (Waving his hand and walking away)
(referring to George's outfit): And what mood is this.
Figure it out. She's one of the executives at NBC that's gonna make the decision whether or not they pick up the show. She's one of our biggest fans. You drop her off, you think they're gonna pick us up?
(Nodding) Okay, one-fifty. 
You put her on a pedestal.
All right we'll wait for you.
No-one's gonna have a better gift than this big screen TV! Good for them, love the Drake!
I'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times did you do this?
Yeah, that's right!
Yea but...
Kramer's Andre, he's fooling around with these 976 numbers (Kramer walks out of the bedroom) hey I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone 
So listen Elaine, when we get up to the door, you , you hold the cake box.
Who couldn't.
(walking over toward George and the door) I'll call you later.
Hello, Poppie. This is Elaine.
YEAH? (speaking loudly so the visitor can hear him through the intercom)
I like Jon Voight. Just seems like kind've a strange reason to buy a car, because he might have driven it.
No, it's not that.
Yeah, I can't eat dessert either. The sugar makes my ankles swell up, and I can't dance.
All the time.
Hey.
Don't worry, it's not gonna happen again. Not if I have anything to say about it.
Thank you. If we were in my apartment and we were watching a movie on the couch, would we sit right next to each other?
Where are you going?
I should have helped Kramer with those packages.
What are you going to get her?
I want this baby fully loaded. (listens) Well, how soon can you get it there? (listens) Oh, that's terrific. (listens) Okay, thanks, bye.
Federal Express?! Is she out of her mind? Why didn't she just ship it?!
(deadpan) I think you need more sleep.
Sure. You're an emotional person. People don't take you seriously. 
hey, uh.. (Kramer walks around a little) what'd you get there?
Then it'll just be me, you and Kramer.
Why??
I'm finding that out. (Kramer enters)
I'll say.
George...
So where you gonna sleep?
(Getting a dollar out) Where's your money? 
Oh, come on.
This Wednesday?
Nah, forget it.
Hu, good, good,... well if he's calling in a month he's got a prayer!
hello. Oh, hi. What's happening? ... what? oh um, sure, ... um, yeah, okay, uh. I'll see you then. Yeah, yeah, Bye.
I never remember you with a girl.
Well, what is it you object to? The comfort? The Speed? The convenience?
Oh, the Yoo Hoo?
Oh, sorry... My mistake... [To himself] Thank... *you*!
Hey.
I gotta get out of this cab...
No. This is why you're not in the pilot.
What about bran?
Yeah, yeah, take care of it. (Jerry throws her some toilet paper) Come on, George, what is it?
What'd you think?
I'm not *saying* she's deaf, she's deaf. 
Adoring? What about handsome?
So very gorgeous.
No, they're old cards from my grandmother.
I couldn't tell her the truth. I don't know what's going to happen between us. What if we have a bad breakup. She'll go straight to Duncan. And I want him to go to his grave never being certain I got that
 Oh, you know, like when someone opens something up and they go, 'Oh. Tube socks.'  What are you gonna do about it?
You, you can't overdry.
How do you like that? (tries to turn away again; thinking)Can I turn now? Is this over? No, I can't, I can't. I'm stuck.
In your way.
Oh, I can't believe it. Let me see that. (Jerry takes the paper.) That's four and a half points in three days! That's almost half my money!
(to Kramer) Could you stop that smacking?
Let me just get my jacket.
What you have to do is introduce him, and then he'll just come out with it.
'Just one....gotta go back.....Oh but get this. Elaine, you will appreciate this. I'm sitting in Tim Whatley's waiting room...He's got a Penthouse right out on the table.'
Nah, I don't wanna 
Yeah, but it's like another comedian stealing my material.
Well, what do I do with the extra ticket?
The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like you're always making a movie. You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you could take back. You're out somewhere with people, 'Gee, you look pregnant.. are you?' 'Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, that's not gonna work at all. Walk out the door, and come back in. Let's take this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying!'
It should resolve of its own volition.
Elaine, what's the alarm clock situation in your house?
Hey, guess what. I just bought my father a Cadillac
He wont take ya..
You know Elaine, It is not my way to intrude on the personal lives of close fiends....
Hi Sue Ellen.
No, it's a nine-hundred S. (happy) It's a turbo, Elaine, a turbo!
Whatever.
Why do you invite these women over if they annoy you so much?
I don't know it was weird. Crazy printing. I don't know who it was from. 
Bania?
Hey. Why didn't cha get the big one?</font>
'Transfer'?
Come on, your parents have money.
George was scarfing shrimp at this meeting, and this guy says 'Hey, George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.'
You've made some Fine Exits.
You ready?
What happened?
(rising) I had like a so-so date with Valerie, now I'm number nine on the speed-dial.
I did something stupid.
So, you and Lyle are roommates?
Oh Moses smell the roses.
Well, I was here, that's everyone (laughing).
That's enough!
It's against the law.
What, it...it's here in the building?
You know you're not supposed to drink while you're keeping a secret! (Elaine laughs) Is there anything else?
Sally, you can't quit the business. This is all because of me.
(Shrugging his problems off) Yeah, yeah. But what about money? Are you strapped? Do you need a little?
Get going.
Ok, I'll see ya.
It's hell. It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination. I would have killed this man. Torn him limb from limb, ripped the flesh right off his bones ...
You know, I don't even know my IQ.
 Great, how about you?
I would lose that.
I'm telling you, she's good looking.
We're going to the Knick game!
Look at this guy, he's like a cat burglar. He thinks if he goes through real slow the machine won't detect him.
I did not. You guys gonna go through some red lights?
you know, it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can get you girls. But, you also have a relationship. But if you try and get rid of the relationship so you can get the girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?
Well, obviously, we all know each other very well, (Elaine slightly laughs) I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honor system. 
He puts 'em on a dental chair.
Hey, what's going on over here?
All the time?!
(Points at Elaine) And the indigent.
No, no Kramer. I don't want you to do that. You can't do that. 
Why don't you ask that doctor what it is? 
hey you know it's weird because that voice sounded a little familiar to me 
I don't know, just standing there with a box, holding it by the little string.
Yeah, let me just stop by the cash machine and I'll meet you over at the coffee shop.
Oh don't worry, you'll crack. Cracking's inevitable, first you crack then you chuckle. That was the motto with the Russians at the Caesar Leningrad... first you crack then you chuckle. (Fulton looks at him not amused) You know because Leningrad when the Nazis attacked, it wasn't a very happy time... because of the war, famine, plus it was cold, very cold... they were eating each other. (Nervous under the pressure; Fulton not finding anything Jerry is saying funny) Maybe this isn't a good time for a visit.
So what plans do you have?
ALL RIGHT, COME ON UP (Jerry puts his head down - he's not looking forward to Kenny Bania)
I don't know.
In a manner of speaking.
Oh, come on. That's not true.
And did they suspect anything?
What are you all dressed up for?
All right.
Oh wait. I'll go with you.
There's nothing subtle about that.
So, how'd your date work out with the mysterious Connie?
Never happened. 
So it's just gonna be me and Kramer.
Oh God.
(disoriented) How long have I been asleep? What--what year is this?
I'm gonna ask this guy something.
Ah, I didn't get on. The lizard guy went long.
The pop-in.
Well, I cleaned out their whole dental hygiene shelf.
Well, I have this neighbor...
George, I am loving this no wallet thing.
Can you believe her?
Yeah
But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday.
Nah. I'll just wear the pajamas.
Oh, they don't have phones out of town? Why do(?) people say they're too busy. Too busy. Pick up a phone!! It takes two minutes. How can you be too busy?
That was Keith.
This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer. You know a radar detector is worth much more than that helmet. I think you're cheating him.
Uncle Leo!
I love Yoo Hoo.
Yeah, uh, I'll see you later.
No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring! Do you understand the difference?
No steam!
Oh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend.
Well my friend, (Jerry puts his hand on Kramer's shoulder) it may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus.
What?
Hey.
Can't hear a thing. 
Kramer!
Ya sure, adoring's good for you, what does it do for me? (Meryl laughs. The owner of the coffee shop comes over.)
Is it me or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?
Yeah.
Well, Kramer told us all about your business venture together.
Wow, a communist. That's something.
 Why'd you get him a gift anyway?
Same as you can't overwet. You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with death. Like once you die you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you. You're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't overdie, you can't overdry.
Yes, I heard you.
(sarcastic) Yeah, you told me.
Wednesday. This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge.
But, your father's not bald.
'Yeah!!! What is that? I mean isn't that sick. I mean , I'd be embarrassed to have that in my apartment.'
I don't want it.. 
Oh, yeah. The pinch. *I've* done the pinch. That's not new. Besides which, I don't know how you could trust any of his moves now. His whole *repertoire* could be lifted.
Sure, fine with me.
You're going to rub out the dog?
Momentum - same thing.
It's a simple question...
Oh, man. Ohh! This is fantastic. How does he do it?
What are you all out of breath from?
Elaine, he Windexed the little peep hole!
Yeah, I'm a very good boy. I'm flying down there and surprising him.
Absolutely. But I feel I must inform you that what happened last night was more than a simple bet.
C'mon, you want to have a baby.
It's not totally impossible. 
(to umbrella guy) Hey. Nice twirl you got there. You know who invented that, don't you?
I don't believe it.</font>
You quit the post office?
When did they ever spend any money?
So what do you do? You can't keep avoiding her.
So think you can handle this?
How long did that last?
So? I used to be seven. I dropped two spots.
Well I was shaving. And I noticed an asymmetry in my chest hair and I was trying to even it out. Next thing I knew, (high pitched voice) Gone.
Gay?
No.
Are those the same shoes as yesterday?
Really? It felt good.
(Gesturing to the rabbit ears) Just, just, hold this. Can you hold that?
No I don't! In fact, if even one corpuscles of that blood should find it's way across that hall I will freak out on you Kramer! Freak out.
(Handing her a small bottle) Here, drink this.
You can't give up. You don't think people tell me I stink? When I'm on stage that's all I hear; You stink, You suck. We like magic.
What happened?
(Being frank) Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday.
Well, it was nice meeting you. I'm sure I'll see you--
 How do you account for this?
'Lose that'? That's not a Hollywood expression!
Good body, nice body.
I can't believe it! You may have hit with this one!
Just go.
But you could?
(sarcastically) Oh, yeah.
(to a woman) Hey, what's going on?
But I'm so good.
Sure.
I don't want you to call him. 
But that's what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. They're knee- deep in fungus. This guy knows fungus. 
no I gotta go downtown 
It's a tad dainty.
Oh, alright ah well... There's a priest, a minister and a rabbi, and they're all staring at him....
So how come you're not going over there for dinner?
Well, well, why are you getting rid of your refrigerator? (he gets up from the table and carries a dish into the kitchen)
Don't you see, that's the genius of it. If he had said Liam Neeson, you'd know he's making it up.
(disappointed) Answering machine. (jovially) Oh, I hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls.
I know, I know.
And we discover yet another talent. Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.
You can't believe what I just did.
Oh yeah, how's that looking?
What are you doing?
Have I ever bought you a jock strap as a gift?
Oh, now you're being ridiculous.
So what? You're entitled. 
I'm here to catch a glimpse... of high society.
Slim-fit?
See you ... me and Kramer...
It's Dolores.
(snaps fingers) Now that you mention it.
It was a mix-up, I'm sure.
Conjugal visit?
By the time I'm through with her mouth, she'll be able to eat off it. Is it safe to drink bleach if you dilute it?
Hey.
I'm gonna get that. (walks across the set towards the blue curtain)
Is it anything like hitting a home run in softball?
Why didn't you ever mention this?
Hey, Elaine, have you noticed your boyfriend has developed an annoying little habit? 
You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm onto something.
Elaine, do you think I would go willy-nilly into a situation so obviously fraught with potential complications?
Where are you going?
Come up - Ah, there he is, the man himself, George Louis Costanza. Here I am about to go to the electric chair and my oldest friend is dating the governor
Go ahead.
So they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal!
Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, 'Make sure you hang on to your jacket.'
Get out of here!
Are you sure?
I can't call here, it's a coffee shop. I mean what am I going to say to him?
He wants me to help him move.
Australia?
All right.
Hello there, how're you doing?
A bubble?
(Waits for the rest of the sentence) ..Yeah? 
All right come on in. ... Just wait over HERE! Just wait here and I'll get it for you. ... Kramer this is Tia.
Well I think I can do that. I believe I've played that role before to some critical acclaim.
Where?
Oh, it's not that bad!
Amy and Jeffrey?
Ah, you're screwed.
Yeah, isn't that something? 
Me?
I strained my neck last night. 
I, uh...well...
Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool. (They sit) And, you know, the thing is, they're never gonna know, no one's ever gonna tell them.
(on phone) Hello. No she's not here. Okay, fine, whatever. I'll tell her. Okay. Goodbye. The stationery store guy called to say he ORDERED your pencil.
Yeah, she puts ten dollars in every card for my birthday, that's why I save them.
Thanks.
 Yeah, well, if you're getting him anything for his birthday, I'm alarge.
How could she not tell me where she was staying? 
(thinking) Thank you, Pamela! (turns to talk to Vanessa; to Vanessa) So, you're a lawyer...
There's one thing I don't understand. Why does it please you? (to the phone) George Costanza, please.
Absolutely.
Speak of the devil.
Then I suppose the bosom gene comes from your grandmother.
(outraged) He's a doctor!.I mean it's supposed to be like a sterile environment.'
I DON'T WANT IT .... 
I know, he's probably the only honest mechanic in New York.
Yeah, I know.
That old one? Didn't I once miss a flight to Cleveland because of that alarm clock?
I gave you a taste. What do you want?
And you got the AIDS walk tomorrow. You're never gonna make it, you're in horrible shape.
(joyless) Yeah, yes.
Come on. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars. He made a bet he knew he was going to lose just to take you to dinner
It's the life force. I saw a show on the mollusk last night. Elaine, the mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile just for a shot at another mollusk. You think you're any better?
Why can't I be bombable? 
Yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma rays.
Ahh, too bad you got a little, George Costanza thing going on.</font>
Well, get it out of my storage. It's illegal.
What are their living expenses?
How was the movie?
Yeah, this speed-dial's like a relationship barometer.
Well women do it.
Is he gay?
I don't want to.
Your hair, it's somewhat de-poofed.
A real human rights nut, huh?
Pinter?
Thank you. I did notice, and I appreciate you rectifying it.
Of course, I stink, you stink. It's show bizz. everybody stinks..
Because you were too busy stealing a book.
Actually, that's--
Nice to see you. This is Elaine.
 Well, she obviously liked you all along.
Nice.
Lemme call Elaine and Kramer.
You know you're getting gypped over here.
This is your plan?
Today's not my birthday.
Yeah, funny. Yeah, I never heard that before. (To George) So, you goin' to the funeral?
Is she OK?
Uh-huh.
yeah 
Oh, see that's not fair. We-We were here ahead of all these people.
(he hits a few keys and looks over at her) Cash advance... yes (hits a key) ... no (he looks over again) balance inquiry... no (he looks again) receipt.... no (he looks again) processing... processing... (He opens the box, pulls out his money and then looks at the woman and says) I won!
What for?
Oh, look at this, I stepped in gum.
Well, that was the worst.
The Daily Worker has personal ads?
It's a joke.
Best friend- I've never been to your apartment.
Horses? They're like big riding dogs.
You said that already.
...so he stole my move and he's using it on Elaine.
I could tell you what I did, but you wouldn't believe it. It's not believable.
What, you're considering this?
Oh hey, there's Ramon. Pre, pretend we're talking.
What the hell are you doing here, aren't you supposed to be at work?!?
(indicates the bowl of cereal) No milk?
That's right. You're emotional. 
Hello.
You're walkin' like Frankenstein!
(annoyed) How you gonna drive when looking through a periscope? Besides it's not a submarine and there's no room for a periscope in a car.
Mulva.
How much are they payin' you?
Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
(taps George's chest) Hey, here you go. 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six.'
Hey.
Stairmaster?
Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that?
You know it and I ditched all my junk food.
Cause I hit a whopper last week!
No. 
Hey, Joe Mayo. Nice place.
No. I pay her to clean. The rest is--
You're going to that again? Why? Just to do that stupid line?
And there's so much more to go.
You get out of here!
Really, an intervention ...
Nah, I'll go get the robe.
For what dinner?
You know, furniture.
But not anymore.
Good, good.
How is she? 
Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.
So, this morning I go down to the garage to check the car out. I figure by this time, the odour molecules have had at least twelve hours to de-smellify. I open the car door, like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits me-- it's almost as if it had *gained* strength throughout the night...
Get out of here, it's nothing. (Jerry knows George is hypochondriac. See 'The Heart Attack')
She faked.
Are you sure?
No.
Yeah that's a tough one. What are you going to do about that? 
I tried brushing my teeth by holding the brush and moving my head from side to side. It didn't work. 
What? 
Well, I-I-I told my wife not to bring it.
Really? Since when?
It's a must lie situation.
He doesn't even care if a man answers.
I don't know, it's ten dollars.
So, what's good tonight?
A matron?
Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is...y'know, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kinda dancing around in there- shirt grabs the underwear, 'C'mon babe, let's go'. You come by, you open up the lid and they'll- (stiffens up, as the clothes) Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives, they're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They knew a escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper the night before, 'Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm goin'. You wait here!' The dryer door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. He hopes you don't see him and then he goes down the road. They get buttons sewn on their faces, join a puppet show. So they're showing me on television the detergent for getting out bloodstains. Is this a violent image to anybody? Bloodstains? I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now. You gotta get the harpoon out your chest first. 
(thinking) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft... (to Vanessa) Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit.
(to the phone) George, what's going on?!
It's very good cantaloupe. (Kramer leaves; to George) So that's it? You're out?
I know.
What for?
'Of course.... But that's got nothing to do with it.'
I am not gonna taste your peach. I ate some one's pecan last night, I'm not gonna eat your peach. 
You're turning.
I told you not to say anything. You can't go in there, brazenly flaunt the rules and then think I'm gonna share with you!
I got a 31 waist, mister!
What's even more amazing is his formal training is in pediatrics.
The actress?
Because if he doesn't ask you out he doesn't get rejected. He has found a dating loop hole.
I suppose you think your bombable. 
Reading for the Blind?
That's a date?</font>
(Cheerfully) Well, a law's a law. (Leaves)
Where do they ever go on vacation?
You didn't look down?
Why?
Well what am I going to tell Alex?
Are you sure?
(places two slices of bread against Kramer's face) That is close.
Wait a second, what's going on here?
I don't know. What if I get caught?
(Making nothing of it) So? Who cares about that?
All right, I think we've covered my act. Now you get out there and stink it up with everybody else.
George, the phone's free.
(Showing that it's a problem) Leo, I saw you steal.
Right.
I want to but I can't.
 Anyway, I'm ready to go.
Oh it's damaged. (grabbing the sweater)
That's not too bad. It's not like a Sunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said he should snap out of it anytime.
Pretty nice.
Elaine? It's me. What are you doing tonight? Great. George and I have tickets, four free passes to the Knicks-Bulls game, Madison Square Garden. Can you go? Great, listen, call Kramer, tell him to meet us on the corner at seven o'clock. Alright. We're gonna pick you up in a limo. That's right baby-doll. Hey listen, when we pick you up, I'm Murphy and George is O'Brien. I can't tell you now, it's a long story. I am serious. Okay. Okay bye. (opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, we have to make a little stop first.
I don't think you are.
Look at this! A phone! A two-line phone!
What, are you kidding? It's a golden opportunity to advance the relationship. She's crying, you put your arm around her and console her...you're the consolation guy!
All right (picks up his sports bag)
Son's of bitches! Good luck finding them... him... whatever. I'd like to stick around and get my hands on him myself, but I gotta take off.
(to Elaine) So, you going to the taping tomorrow night?
Maybe they've all been faking.
Yep..
How about our little Elaine huh? Attended the finest finishing schools on the Eastern seaboard. Equestrian competitions. Debutante balls. Look at her now. Interviewing Mohels.
oh uh nothing, she just.. choked on a jujube 
Ah, no, forget it.
Yeah.
Hey, Ronnie.
Alright, I'll change my shoes. (Heads back to his apartment. George follows.)
Yours or hers?
(answering, quickly) If you know what happened in the Met game, don't say anything, I taped it, hello. Yeah, no, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number. Yeah, no 
You ever find anything?
Okay, okay. Forget it. It's okay. I didn't mean it.
I know, I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up.
Yeah.
Can I just get it opened first?
How could I have done that?
Frankly I'm surprised you're so litigious.
Elaine...
Pretend it's interesting.
So, you're just taking off from work?
Never happened. 
Tony, where are you?
They're not making higher roofs.
Hi, Dolores. George, you remember Dolores?
Really. So uh, what do you do down there all day?
(Sarcastically) Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues.
Not yet.
Nothin'.
I know, but...
Tongue?
Sorry buddy, clean house. It's all health food.
(pointing to Kramer's hair) You got some suds over here.
No. He keeps asking me to give him a high-five. 
What did you do the rest of the day?
I was going to say, 'Being a good host.'
That's not what I do.
So what happened? You gave her my tax papers? ... My papers?
Maybe it's not on this level.
Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong? .. Isn't that like a turn off?
I said yes, but I don't feel right about it. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's a big step oin a relationship. The biggest. That's like going all the way.
Anklets?
Good, fine.
Why did you tell this crazy guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party?
Ah, very good.
Right after we get off the phone, then you go and tell her that?! Well, of course she knows it was me who complained! Now I'm responsible for this woman's quitting. Oh, this is unbelievable!
(Answering to the intercom) Yeah? 
Hey, where you going?
Yeah, is this Sid Field's residence?
What about skunk?
But you can't see, there's no lenses in those frames.
Really? 
I've gained eight.
Yeah? 
No deal. Why? 
No, just Meryl.
Why?
You know, I don't think we should tell George we saw Jane topless.
Oh so what.
Ah, I could've stayed home and ordered a pizza from Paccino's.
Yeah.
uh, well I can't help you there (weakly).
(to the door) Yeah?
Imagine, spelling 'Mom' with two O's.
(to the phone) Well, where is the guy?!... Nothing?! Almost half my money's gone... Well, call me right back. (Jerry hangs up.) Nobody can reach Wilkinson. He hasn't been home or in his office in the past three days!
So, go get them.
Why?
Boy, that brain never stops working, does it?
..What is this? 
If you need more time, you should have more time.
I'm sorry. This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime.
Howbout this, come one down to Leapin' Parry's if you can beat our prices, we'll give you the store.
What am I doing? I'm...dating a woman who happens to be sponsoring one of these walkers.
Hey, Ray, listen, you really did a tremendous job cleaning that apartment.
Oh yeah.
To me the most annoying thing about the couple of times that I did work in an office. Is that when you go in, in the morning you say Hi to everyone and for some reason throughout the day you have to continue to greet these people all day every time you see them. I mean you walk in 'morning Bill, morning Bob, how you doing? fine' Ten minutes later you see him in the hall, 'How ya doin'?' Every time you pass you gotta come up with another little greeting. You know you start racking your brains you know you do the little eyebrow 'Hey' You start coming up with nicknames for them. 'Jimbo.'
So what happened after the movie?
Sure, Beth, these things happen. (Brief pause) So, have you told many.. people yet?
There's more than a couple. 
So, I finally met the mentor.
How do you make sure your gonna get to the third date?</font>
George is dating a convict.
So you think he was expecting a roll in the supportive hay.
Um hum.
(to himself) This is a new one.
(screams).
You know, why don't we wait? Because, I'm going out of town tomarrow.
Oh, nobody's calling off any weddings. Alright, it's time to go. Come on.. Up.
NOW!!!!.... (she leaves in a hurry)
Who, criminals?
Sure. (points at booth) How about this one?
No.
I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps were hangin' down by his ,...
 If not now, when?
O-K. You realize of course, you're naked?
Me? Why me?
Really? It's over?
Really very nice and good.
Why are you bothering them for?
I didn't know he wasn't invited.
Please, and be brutal. I have no closet sensitivity.
NO! Kramer!
Oh, come on you gotta go! He's harmless. He's got a little crush on you.
What's the matter?
I know, I just can't bring myself to do it meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller (she smiles) (Elaine looks at her watch) oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting 
Oh Diane.
(To bartender) Can I have a club soda? (To Ronnie) Goin' on tonight?
Let me get a clean pair. (Goes into his room. George strides over to the window.)
Yeah, I think I do.
Wow, look at you. So you got the job.
Well, thanks anyway.
What I said. I've been under a lot of stress.
Well, I didn't uh really mean a pony, per se...
Well, what kind of solid?
Oh no. Don't tell me. You like him?
All right, all right. Here. (hands George a piece of the candy bar).
I told Elaine about an apartment opening up in my building. She's going to move in.
That's shocking, but sounds ...
Oh, can Lloyd really do that?
Do you think this is such a good idea, with you being on the verge of this big promotion?
Tony, y-you better bring that car back!
Because it's a stupid idea. No one's gonna go for it. Don't you understand It's stupid ,stupid...
All right.
Few hundred grand?
What for?
I haven't been out yet.
Oh, did you get that outta my bag?
5000.
Oh, come on!
Slapping hands is the lowest form of male primate ritual. In fact, even some of them have moved on - they're doing sign language now. 
Music?
And a bit of a tramp if you ask me.
But the point is we have our personal relationship, and we have our work relationship. They're separate and, I think, some what sophisticated.
Maybe a little. Ah, hell, I guess it is.
What happened you didn't give her the papers?
We're going scuba diving. We'll be back in time.
There are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong level. How long was the escalator ride up?
Boy that'd be something, cheating on a IQ test.
Remember Peter?
Hello? Yeah, the defroster's the one on the bottom, just slide it all the way over. You're welcome.
... this is all .. very confusing.
Well we went out one time. Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong?
Really?
Oh, no. I've been kinda busy. It's all.
No thanks, just the check.
(Caving in) Ohh.. dial the number. (Elaine picks up the phone, and starts to dial) How could you do this?
Come on up. (Lets her in by unlocking the front door) 
Her aunt dying is the best thing that ever happened to you.
Y'know a lot of people have asked that...
Horse manure?
What do you mean you show up? 
Oh well, he was just showcasing his nondate pesonality. 
Because she's my wife! (The door buzzer sounds; Jerry answers it) Yeh?
No I notice but they're from your age group I didn't know you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind.
In fact remind me to tell Kramer too.
Oh, get out of here.
Why not?
(to Kessler) Yeah. (to the phone) Yeah, people do move. Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem.
Comedian.
Roll-out tie dispenser? What was that one?
So forget about the books. Did you read them?
(reluctant) I, I don't want my picture plastered up in the lobby.
Yeah! I think I got flea bites. 
I don't care.
Sure you can. Why not?
Well, I'm not really that much of a meat eater.
No I don't.
Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?
Yeah?
(startled) Kramer!
To the door?
Anyway, I just called to tell you that, I'm there for you.
.....Stupid , stupid.
Yes, Dolores, I did. It didn't work out, though, Dolores.
You don't have a Mercedes. 
Oh yeah, she's dating Bania.
That is so old. Why don't you show up at her door in a wood horse?</font>
Poor son of a bitch.
Hey!
You're wearing the same clothes as yesterday!!! (pauses) You saw Puddy!
Well this kid's not just a man. He's a man's man.
Is this about me?
Aye, aye.
(Carrying her out, piggy-back style) No, what?
Oh! I think we're at the bottom.
You could get arrested.
Fabulous. See, now you're really do something.
Forget it. Go ahead, you'll have a good time.
I had him for Hygene. Remember his teeth. It was like from an exhumed corpse.
 Okay, half-hour.
It's hard to say.
You oughta' sit here. There is a difference.
Y'know these things are *really* hard to load...
Oh boy, did he say anything about me?
Good personality. Funny. Bright.
Maybe it's a shortcut.
I don't think I am.
Oh, you're tall - she's tall I'm tall. What's the difference who's tall. We're all tall.
How did you know?
Thank you very much, that's great- >click< Oh! Hold on a sec, I got a call on the other line. >click click< Hello?
Mr. Fields?
I don't know...
We need you there!
No no, it was no joke.
We're gonna have to talk about this later. (Elaine holds the door open for Jerry while holding her leg) Thank you. Taxi!
I met this deaf lineswoman at the tennis match. 
How did I gain eight?
hunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools around with his collar again) 
Good, good.
Yeah.
Hello, Karen? It's Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, that's very sweet of you. You know, you better be careful, you don't want to get too congenial. They'll slap that 'Miss Congeniality' on you, and you'll congene yourself right out of the contest. So, what time do you want to get together later? What? So what, we don't need the chaperone. (To George) The chaperone can't make it. (To Karen) Oh, you're not gonna get disqualified! So, we're not going? (Kramer enters.) Hold on one second. (To Kramer) Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Kramer! (We hear Kramer's door slam open and shut. Kramer enters. Jerry comes out of his room.) Hey! Where's all my sneakers?
Well, all I got is my dry-cleaning stub.
Just, can we just forget the whole thing ever happend? I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I took it out on you. We're still friends. We're still friends. Still friends. Okay? Look, I'll tell you what. I've got Knick tickets this Wednesday. Great seats behind the bench. You want to come with me? Come on.
Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just merely expressing...
Birds?
Yeah, but?
You feel better?
Yes. Right above me.
Hi shmoopy.
Oh, hey Ramon.
I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to anyone who fixes your neck.
Tony, it is my car, and I want it back!
W-w-wha' you got in there?
Really? I thought you were rebuffed.
(sings theme) 'By Mennen.'  What the?...</font>
Course you may not see it for twenty years.
But I don't want any 'sweet action.'
It's a hundred thousand revolutions a second. It's the most powerful one they make.
You know, I bought you a Cadillac. Twice.
And then he asked the assistant for a schtickle of flouride.
Well, I just wanted to... (breaks off) You forgot the gift certificate to Barnes and Noble.
(Mutters to himself) Every time I turn on the TV, sirens are gonna go off. They're gonna track me down like a dog, I know it..
So three dates and she still won't let me play with her toys.
You promise you'll never come in here again?
What do you think the Nazis were doin'? (Imitates the Nazi's salute) That was the heil-five. 
But I could do that and the music.
Yes, I do.
SO?
For fun.
You should always carry a pad and pen.
Hey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that.  (stepping over Elaine then George's legs to get to the large blue chair and sits down.)
You remember Peter. remember I told you how he went to the track that one time and he was yelling at this jockey and the jockey got off the horse and started chasin' him.
Owen March, I never heard of him.
Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move.
(not enthousiastic at all) Oh, sure. Danny.
It was a mistake.
What?
(Muttering) Oh, just trying to (Rudely grabs the phone from her) help me.. (Into the phone) Hello? Sandra? Hi, uh, this is Jerry Seinfeld. (Elaine now has her hand in a bowl of popcorn - grabbing a fistful) Listen, I - I just want to tell you, (Jerry sternly grabs Elaine's hand - forcing her to drop the popcorn, then shoves her hand away. Elaine sits back like a scolded child) There's been a terrible misunderstanding: See, I told Elaine that, uh, it was a real treat talking to you on the phone, and she thought I was being sarcastic, you know, 'cause I'm a comedian and all. She thought I meant (Deeply sarcastic) 'Yeah, it was a real treat talking to her on the phone.' (Back to normal) You know, but I was really being sincere.. No, of course I like you.. Tonight? ..Um, uh, hold on a second. (To Elaine, whispering) Now she wants to have a drink with me. (Elaine mouths out 'Just go' while making gestures. Jerry, again, gives in. Back on the phone) Yeah, I think I can.. Um.. yeah, I know where that is.. Ok.. uh, I'll see you there. Okay, bye. (Hangs up, peeved) Now I gotta have a drink with her.
(Opens his door slightly for Elaine) Dating Marla. 
This confers upon you instant boyfriend status. The family's there...you're taking care of things...you're gettin' the sandwiches...you're the rock!
Well, I've never seen anything like this in my life. In fact, I went to the car wash, they want 250 dollars to detail it, and get the smell out. I'm not payin' for that. That's not my responsibility. In fact, I'm drivin' up to that restaurant now, and *demand* they pay for it.
Would you stop?
What now?
Hmm. Not bad. 
Yeah. Sometimes he really makes me tense (he takes Jody's hand and put it on his shoulder) 
Alright, I'll take it. 
(buzzes her up) Eh. (to Kramer) You know and I'll tell ya, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love saying 'my wife.' Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop - 'my wife' this, 'my wife' that...it's an amazing way to begin a sentence.
Ya?
Alright, alright, I'll cash the checks.
So, you won't eat the pizza?
(upset) Ohhhh, what are you doing? Kessler, it's a tape! I taped the game, it's one o'clock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this.
(thinking; quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
The crook has the machine. The messages aren't for him. He's the crook. Why would he answer- (Jerry gives up on the explanation and turns around to see George standing behind him.) How did you get in here?
Okay...
What do you need them for?
(still reluctant) Kramer, I don't wanna stop and talk with everyone, every time I go in the building. I just wanna nod and be on my way.
Look at this, my ankle's all bitten up. 
Who?
I don't see why not.
Well, no, I'm not one of those.
(to himself) My foot's asleep again!
Marisa Tomei?
(confused) Wha..? What time is it?
That's a date.
Sure, dinner would be fine.
Yeah!.. Thanks.Oh! my god you saved my life.
See ya.
The driver seems a little put out. 
Yeah. I had to spend two hours at dinner last night with that specimen.
What's going on in there?</font>
You can make all the laws you want, he's still gonna bother people.
Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you?
Yeah, it's still got some spring in the strings.
No, I think I saw him on land a couple times. So how's the job situation goin'?
Hand it over. Pay up.
Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. (Hangs up) Hey, I'm flyin' first class.
Oh, then I lost interest.
Hold on. There must be a truck backing up.
Yes, Jugdish.
(Pleading) Leo..
Hey, how you gonna keep the machine plugged in while you move it?
Echh
(interrupting)  Can I talk to you for a second?
Well I can see it.
I got something against yours. How about a couple of deep knee bends, maybe a squat thrust?
We've got to talk about this (to Elaine)
He said that?
How could she be smarter than you?
(opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, why are we getting off this exit?
Can I try it?
Gimme that - just gimme that. Here. Idiots!
You get in the bubble with him?
Try me.
What?
Hey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that reporter from the newspaper on the other line.
Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.
No. None.
Wow good plan. 
Me, either. Wait a second. Wait a second. Maybe it's that yogurt.
of course you would 
Since college.
Yeah, I know.
I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants, you wanna go?
Yes, yes, I heard.
Not all of 'em!
Uma Therman? Really?
Again?
No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight, I would've said tonight.
So take a cab.
I like to use my own material.
So?
Nancy Klopper?
Yeah.
You're a shmoopy!
Oh, no thanks. (turns back to Kramer)
Oh yeah.
Tony.
So the picture worked. Amazing!
Maybe Elaine put in a good word for you.
Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?
So you put down my money?!
The engine's made by McDonnell-Douglas.
So what are you going to do with the mattress?
I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes. (Phone rings)
(resumes) ...you know, make a good impression.
You couldn't pay me enough to go to the beach on a weekend. I mean it's hard enough...
(Pauses, thinking about what Kramer just said) Put it in.
Yeah, that was me.
He took out Kruger?
(standing in the bathtub) Now my sense of it is that you're probably wasting time working piecemeal, first cleaning one area, then another.
(Slightly embarrassed) It was a good bit in the '80's, and it's still relatable today. 
I was ready to get jiggy with it.
Yeah. What does that mean?
Yes, we have.
You what?
Well, thank you very much. I'm telling you, one more day stinkbreath!
Oh Elaine....What do you think an enraptured female fan of mine might say?
Yeah, that's true. Well it sounds like it's going pretty good.
... I said yes.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember.
Come on.
Yeah. 
That's so funny!
I love the Drake!
(Kramer shows Jerry and Elaine the paper) 'Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research'..' Government funds genetic research at area hospital' ... Yeah, so?
Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs. 
Yeah, he's disgusting. (putting her hand back on his shoulder. She unconsciously starts to massage a little while watching TV) 
See?
U-oh come on up. (buzzes them up) It's Elaine you don't have a problem with her do you?
It was a 'thank you' card from Kristin because I'm doing the PBS drive. I mean, how long am I supposed to keep it?
Really.
Meat? I don't, I don't know, go... hunt! (Kessler opens the refrigerator and sticks his head in.) Well what happened in the game anyway?
(going along with it) Oh No!
What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
Well, I'm sure you did. Who wouldn't love a pony? Who wouldn't love a person that had a pony?
No. 
I don't care, why are you telling me this?
Sure, go ahead.
Grandma Memma?
You know what? I'll be with you in a minute.
What?
How does she know Marisa Tomei?
(aghast) Four in the morning?!
But I never walk you home.
oh! thank you.
Is that Burt Reynolds? 
Chicken, how could she look up to a person who voluntarily spends time with Bania?
That light!</font>
Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.
Oh no, you keep going. It shuts off automatically.
I could, but I choose not to.
Then what do you call it? People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't cinemax.
Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?
Great. You know, Frankie, I was wondering. What if I decided that it's silly to drive a van, because, you know, I live in New York City. Is there maybe some way I could exchange it?
(Trying to get rid of her) Yes, I think it's a fine idea. Well, good night.
Elaine, what are you doin' down there?
(Thinking he's stopped Leo's thefts) Thank you.
Once you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased.
On my block, a lot of ah, people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?
Where was the bathroom in this mall? There are six-hundred stores, I didn't see one bathroom. What is this, like a joke? They finished building the mall and they go, 'Oh my god, we forgot the bathrooms.'
 Hey, I was dying over there.
Well what do you want me to do? Not look at it?
All right, how about skipping breakfast. I'm guessing you're not a 'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy.
I'm sorry if I caused any trouble. I was just being friendly.
Over here?
Scared the hell out of that guy.
Does that thing work?
Oh, I thought it was like an igloo.
Everything?
(starting the Dust Buster) What smell?
She says she's not going to play up that angle of the story. She thinks we're heterosexual. [sarcastically] I guess we *fooled* her. I'll get rid of her, hold on... >click click< Sharon? Hello? Sharon, are you there? >click click< I'm back...
No, no, the--
It means he's lying.
If you go, maybe they'll catch it in time.
(raising hand) Faked 'em all.
Well, how else could this have happened?
Elaine 
Yeah pluggin' along.
(looking at his nostrils) I don't...think so.
Rhode Island.
Yes, I will.
No, it's ok.
Obviously. So what am I supposed to wear?
(thinking) I can't believe it. I got nothing! I don't even know her name! Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag...
(lying) Yes.
I can't. I'm on my way out. There's no way I can do it.
Not conversion. You're thinking conversion?
What? Nothing.
All right, George. I'm gonna tell you. But I just wanna make sure, before---
I know. Neighbors.
You're 40 minutes late. What happened?
Hey, listen, so we'll meet you and Susan at the movie tonight?
No.
Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months.
(exasperated) Where do I find these guys?
What's wrong?
Yeah, so did I. You know what? I bet it was the engagement. I've shown I can go all the way.
I don't know, but you don't have it.
Interesting. She doesn't care for you, then a stern warning, suddenly a phone call. Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy. And Anna digs the bad boy.
Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body.. we just want the body.
Kramer, Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that?
How's your family history?
Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity, I will kill you.
Not (with) that, no..
Yes. (Slams down phone. Kramer and Mickey enter)
I like the way you think.
Really?
An Army Pete.
But, when you have a faucet instead of a tongue, you want to use gravity.
Hey, Elaine.
It's 5:30 in the morning!
The store.
I'm being audited! And you broke up with her?
She went on in some detail about certain activities, illegal in some states, for consenting adults. Things you would know very little about.
What's that?
I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT! ..
It was a bad jig to begin with, we never should have started this jig.
Oh Friday, I can't, I'm sorry, I have a date.
(interrupts) I-I'm sorry Uncle Leo, I really gotta get going.
What am I gonna say?
Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead. 
Try Elaine.
Yeah, I see what you mean. I forgot who I was dealing with here.
Yeah, me either. (he takes her other hand and put it on his other shoulder) 
(Jerry gets up and walk to these persons) Uh... Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice you offered her a piece of your pie. 
Oh come on, we're gonna start doing this now? I can't be taking all your dry-cleaning in!
She wants to say hi, she's with her new boyfriend.
You making that up or do you know what you're talking about?
Well, what if Poppie felt the same way?
That wasn't so bad, really.
(to Elaine) You would still wanna move in here?
You're gone all right.
So you want me to get the books? Is that it?
No, see, we didn't have ponies. I'm sure at that time in Poland, they were very common. They were probably like compact cars..
Why do we have to leave?
'What are you doing that for, you got a job'
How could I have fleas? 
Why would I freak out? (To himself) Pilot...
Spring. Of course.
Hi Bob.
No, I think I would have remembered Memma.
Larry, wait, you don't understand!
And then the worst part is, after the movie, he leached on to us ... We wound up having coffee with him for like two hours. Then he walks us home, all the way back to the front of the building. Finally I said, look Ramon, I gotta go to bed now.
You didn't ask how she knows Marisa Tomei?
Well, what's wrong with you?
Well I...
Oh. 
Piccata, if anything I should be dating a mentor and Bania should be setting pins in a bowling alley.
Can't you shut the shades?</font>
No, let's just do it. (Fire alarm goes off) What? What is going on? What is that about?
I thought you'd like that.
(unheard by Jenna) When the battery runs out.
Oh my God! Number one!! Seinfeld, you magnificent bastard!
Ah, dinner! That's it, you're all the way back!
Good.
Seinfeld.
No, no, no. Just hypothetically.
Where did you get that butcher's coat?
Bless you.
Elaine huh?.. She's completely..
Oh, I guess it's broken!
No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual person?
It's hard to pretend because I know where it is.
I understand, I like good breakfast. Long as you don't wind up trapped in a room with bib overalls and pigtails, been counseled by Dick Gregory.
You weren't?
Yeah, what about those English sirens, you know...eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa...
... I just got a postcard from Elaine?
He's got like a chemical imbalance. He needs to be on medication.
Ah ha.
You're quite mad, you know. (Kramer enters) Oh, I don't believe this. (Goes into other room) Hey?
Oh, they're all the same. Here. [gives him Dust Buster] Now if you'll excuse us, ..
What are you talkin' about?
The woman, she--
Why? Is that what he told you?
Whatever it is.
The woman had an orgasm under false pretences. That's sexual perjury.
That's nice. 
different for a man 
Well he's kind of modest.
And you waved it away. 
I don't...I dunno.
No, go ahead, I second-hand smoke two packs a day.
All right, all right. (trying on the suit jacket)
I can't wear these!
He's got the Kavorca. (looking towards the theater door, Jerry notices one of the movie goers) Hey, isn't that Willie, my dry-cleaner?
Hello, Oh hi Lois, you want to get together, what for? I don't know about that, I'll have to think about it. I'll let you know. Okay, bye.
(cynical) Yeah you almost went to the game. You haven't been out of the building in ten years!
Next Wednesday.
You think you can get him to just change teams? He's not going to suddenly switch sides. Forget about it.
Hello, uncle Leo!
What has this guy got a personal vendetta with me?! What'd I do to him? 'Cos I asked him about the Knicks?
It's not even a question of that. The point is when something like this is passed along, one must be certain that it's going to be used in a *conscientious* way. This is not some parlor trick to be used---
Hey, all right. Good afternoon Ithaca. Welcome, good to see you here... Boy, I'll tell you, there's an awful lot of those orange cones you have on the throughway... (Sees pilot) on the way... up here... um... I..
Right above me.
(Apologetically) Oh, I'm sorry. Maestro.
No.
Why?
I think that's the statue from my house. That looks like the statue from my house!
No, no.
Alright, alright. Uh, undo them. I'll help you get them off.
Not our 'all the way', their 'all the way.' I got the stink of responsibility on me.
You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...
Hey.
Hey, good luck with that.
I sense something is afoot.
Really?
(protesting) I..I didn't say that.
He was made of wood and in the rain he would swell up and then split.
No, I told you, it's just a dry run.
So, Elaine, notice anything different about my... pants?
(handing his dad a gift) Well, as long as I'm up. Dad, I got you a birthday present. Here. Happy Birthday.
Stuff.
Why will she still do it? She hates you now. People don't do you favors after you dump them.
I don't think so.
Well this type of things is very common when you're in show business.
 Right.
You play a *Hell* of a piano.
hey Kramer do me a favour .
It was a bad jig, a terrible terrible jig. What are we gonna do now? They're gonna know you're not O'Brien.
We just met.
We, we got a big meeting with the president of NBC.
Well, you made me uncomfortable.
Where? 
Oh, will you stop it. Just because a hospital studying DNA research doesn't mean they're creating a race of mutant pig-men!
Yeah, he's a bad seed. 
Did you give her a reason? 
Alright. (Elaine enters.)
He's nice, bit of a close talker.
I mean really, what's the point of saving it? I could see if I had a mantel.
Really!
Why? What did I do?
(to George) Is that uh, other apartment still available?
Yeah, I'm going to Vermont with uh Vanessa for a few days.
So what'd you do?
' Yeah! What's that.'
What did you do about them? 
Beautiful.
I didn't do it on purpose, my foot fell asleep.
No why?
Alright.
No. Would you just get out?
What?
What?
That's a lot of skin. 
Oh yeah? What'd he have to say?</font>
But I was promised this slot.
I know.
No, trust me, that one was doing more harm than good. Don't forget to use the Plax too.
You got the job?
Sex, that's meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that's heavy. That's like an hour.
What? The two of you workin' in that garage is like a steel cage death match.
My cable hook-up? What about it?
No! No, you don't! No woods. I love the van. I'm a van guy.
No....
It's liable to bounce and go into a sewer.
Oh, come on. There's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me.
You want me to take an overview?
That's your problem, you should be.
Of course.
Yeah, they're in London now. They'll be back in a few weeks.
Kramer!!
What are you doing?
Okay.
You heard me talkin' on the other line, are you sure?
Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you.
No. Never.
How did she do it? She's like Meryl Streep this woman. And I had to work the equipment. I'm not unskilled, I'm in the union. If she'd at least told me, maybe I could have done something about it.
(turning to Kramer) That's nice for the freaks. 
What about me?
we're expected to be superficial 
Sure.
You were full. So you gave a reason. You didn't just shake your head. 
Oh, is this a bit?
(shocked) Broke even.
Look, do you want to go or not? I'll buy you dinner.
Bye bye
(pause. Stops tapping his leg) 'scuse me?
Ok, Yeah all right.
They're uncomfortable.
He just went in. You know, I think he was wearing my Hounds-Tooth jacket.
Duncan wants to get together with her and me for lunch tomorrow. He obviously wants me to admit I got a head start. And I don't think she believes me.
 Male roommate, huh?
No.
I got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now, the first couple a times you go through it, it's very upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will say, 'Call the police. You really should call the police.' So you think to yourself, you know, you watch TV, you think, 'Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts... I'm gonna see some real action.' Right, you think that. So, the police come over to your house, they fill out: The Report. They give you: Your Copy. Now, unless they give the crook his copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do you? It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. 'Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin. I think we can round him up, he's dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him, he's a PENGUIN!
I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sittin' on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense. Am I wrong?
(scoffs) Two minutes. Believe me, I know his two minutes. By his conception of time, his life will last over two thousand years.
You're kicking me out of my house?
Because when you join that team it's not a whim. He likes his team. He's set with that team.
Nana called me to open the ketchup bottle.
No.
All right. On your bed. You got a headboard? You'll need a headboard.
No, it didn't. And you know why? Seeing the pilot in the audience really freaked me out.
'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect, I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.
Well, you said you were gonna be here at a certain time, and you weren't.
Just like that?
I had a statue!
We're all the way in the front row. Why couldn't we sit in the special seats?
So how did you leave it with him?
(Walks over and starts pulling on Kramer's pants) You just gotta wiggle your hips a little bit.
You stink worse than I do!
The bad fianc&eacute;&Mac226;, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...
(Trying to shut him up) Kramer.
There was another crazed ex-girlfriend?
Is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday?
So you're pretending to be a tourist?
That's Step Ten?
I told my uncle I had a stomach ache tonight. You think he bought that?
What does that mean?
I hear things. Hey, so Sophie gave me the 'It's me' on the phone today.
And gum.
How is that possible?
No I can't she didn't leave her name or number.
Don't get up, please, allow me.
Don't mention it to anybody.
First of all, you don't look like any O'Brien, period.
(seems sincere) Yeah, I'm really sorry, uh.
(to George) You know these squeegee-- Oh my God! It's crazy Joe Devola.
What are you doing? 
It's Jerry. 
Exactly. You're not a psycho. You've been very helpful. Thank you very much. Allow me to leave the tip. (sits back with Elaine and Kramer) Well, I think we proven who the psycho is. 
You'll see. (pause) Boy, I had no idea you felt this way about the Costanzas'
Absolutely.
Well, perhaps we should inquire. Poppie! Oh, Poppie. Could I have a word? (Poppie comes over.)
I was listening!
Yeah.
What friends?
Well, I have a general idea what it was. I could take a guess.
I'll drive you to the airport.
'Jimmy's got a record. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmt and George are gonna get rich.'
No, she's not.
What do you recommend besides the steak?
Ya know, the guy has one leg and he still calls himself Leapin' Larry, you'd think he had a sense of humor about it.
Oh yeah, I know.
Go ahead. Seems like a reasonable question, is all I'm saying. I would've asked her.
Yeah!
No!
Think she wants those clubs.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
(whispers) Damn.
You can barely see her face. 
Fire drill, can you believe that?
No, I can't do details.
I don't know anything about that.
(smiles) Actually, I am a comedian.
Hold on, they think you're handicapped?
It has? I've been out of town. How did you know?
Where'd you get the bricks?
So, we're givin' him nothing?
It's ludicrous..
You'll chicken out at the last second.
Take it to Dream Cafe, you won't hear a peep.
Seinfeld. I made a reservation for a mid-size, and she's a small. I'm kidding around, of course.
I see a very cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something. That's my overview.
Are you sure he can't hear anything? . . .MARTIN, MARTIN.
Ask George to go with you.
Nice shotgun.
He's joking.
In the back, on your right.
No.
(Also amazed) Who walks around the house like that?! 
Well, maybe she was disconnected.
No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm--
Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will *always* trade sleep for sex.
Let's get out of here.
What could you have done?
Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for these pig-men. Whatever the deformity is there's always some group of perverts that's attracted to it. 'Oo that little tail really turns me on.'
Why don't you get him some tickets or something, how about that friend of yours that works at the ticket agency. 
Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat.
Elaine, he's a.. he's a male bimbo, he's a mimbo 
Marine biology.
I think I got someone!
Well, that all depends. . .
Who are you?
It looked just like the jacket I brought in to be dry-cleaned. He complimented me on it.
That's not bad.
 Is this a problem?
Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow.
Schumann. (George stops himself, frightened. Jerry looks around the lobby.) Where are they?
Yeah, we do. We do have a good team.
Alright. Can we go to a later show, so he's off his shift when I come by?
Is it padded?
If you hadn't mentioned anything, I would have been fine. I became obsessed with him.
Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?
Come on George, just loosen up.
Well, means that a man has come from very far away to compete in a very difficult race, he's put his faith in you, and frankly, I'm a little concerned!
My grandfather gave me a statue!
Nah, you don't wanna be uncomfortable.
That's another loop hole. That's two dates without asking you out.
(Stops pulling on the pants) Alright, alright, That's no good. (Moves Kramer over to the couch) Let me try getting them from the bottom. (Goes for Kramer's Leg) Just gimme one leg.
The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... (looks at table as George exits) The bad tipper!
Kramer, George didn't have a heart attack.
Mmm.. Bad how?
Allow me. What are you, an idiot?
Actually, yeah. (Pause) Wait a second! Is that the fork that fell on the floor?! (Dramatically) Are you using the fork that fell on the floor?!
How about this? . . . Finish this thing up today!
How do you explain your apartment?
Yeah, when I went to pick her up there was this dude.
So what happened with Tatiana?
I thought so.
She's not a maid. She might be a news woman!
Oh, my God.
Yeah so?
I don't want to be Murphy anymore; do I still have to be Murphy?
No, nothing.
I'm sorry, really.
Dad!
So you have no control over the remote?
Oh my...
I'll see you later.
Your trench coat in my closet?
Jerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend. (puts his arm around Elaine's shoulder, but she shrugs it off twice)
Surprise! (he carries in the object) 
(turns to greet Kramer) Hey.
So anyway, she's kind of upset about it so I need you to do me a favor.
Poppie, I was just curious...where do you stand on the abortion issue?
I worked a club in Dallas one time and they couldn't afford to pay me so they gave me these. Oh, I can't wear these! (Stands up.) They look ridiculous!
No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had.
How do you get all that wood in here?
Ugh, the four worst words in the English language.
George- What?! You're kidding... Well, what's wrong?... So, what are we gonna do?... Great!... All right, I'll speak to you later. (He hangs up.) Wilkinson, the guy who's supposed to tell us when to sell the stock, he's in the hospital.
No.
I just hope that whole pony incident didn't put a damper on the trip.
Hi Nana.
Nothing... 
Come on George.
Well, she's a woman. They don't like to be disappointed.
Anything lighter? How do you prepare the chicken?
Yup.
Well it was my idea.
What d'you mean, could've?
Me either.
Ready for lunch?
Hey! Same initials . How do you like that?
Uh, here I guess, an' uh, uh I went out and picked up a paper.
Half of show business is here.
I can't give details.
That's the idea.
How can you do this?
So you want to take a ride with me out to Jersey? I'm gonna try to sell the van to a lot.
You're not gettin' any skin, Kramer.
Did you at least get him a card?
For either one of us..
(annoyed) All right. (after a pause) Hey, you know what's weird?
Radar detector? I've never seen you go over twenty miles an hour. You're like the Grand Marshall of the Rose Bowl Parade. It's a Wizard organizer.
Another friend?
(On the phone) George, stop worrying about this guy. It wasn't your fault.. Come on, he's not stalking you.
Hey, I love a good caper.
Sixty-six years old?
Pez?
I, would, I would wait on that. I know how you feel but. Juries today, you never know how they're going to look at a thing like this.
Clean as a whistle.
Nooo.
This is not a good time.
Ooow, that was close.
Tell him you think you may have broken the case wide open.
Alright, hang on. Let me call Kramer and see if you can hear anything, hold on. >click click click<...
What's all this stuff?
Anything's *possible*...
The thing is, even if we go back by the car, and there's nobody there, how do we know they're not all hiding, waiting for us?
Just relax, you'll be fine.
I'm feeling very inadequate about the whole thing.
Oh, what's the matter this doesn't interest you?
and that's why you're going out with him 
Yeah, pretty damn good one, too!
The fly-boy.
Ah, I'm gonna go pick up Rachel at the station.
Yeah, so?
(stands, puzzled, it's not sinking in) W-what do you mean?
Yes, yes, he is.
 Well, maybe he's --
No, it's okay now, that, that girl is not comin'. Uh, I misread the whole thing.
So you don't know what's wrong with him?
What, you don't want to do this?
Don't do the apples. It's enough already with the apples.
They're only comfortable with *their* equipment.
Yes, we do.
'Kom Pau(sp?'
Good. How tall is she?
Oh, it doesn't matter now.
She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.
Yes I am.
Hey.
Hey, I have found the best-smelling detergent. Lena, smell my shirt.
What's the difference?! That's the one! He ripped me off! This guy ripped me off!
Crazy like a man.
(Still pulling on Kramer's pants from the ankles) Man these are tight. (Yanking) Squinch your hips in
Kramer, how are you gonna cook Jewish delicacies for a hundred and eighty-three people?
Like fire in a school is such a big deal. (Kramer enters)
(Nods) I follow. So what are you gonna do?
I guess that's all right.
You know, maybe we better not. I, I think I'm getting a little cold. I don't wanna give you any of my germs.
No. No more questions. Just figure it out for yourself and get it done.
you moved into a hotel?
What do you think it could've been just some dude?
What do you need it for?
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, hold on! We're just patsies. We're just a couple of users.. We never sold the stuff. What about the Russian guy? The Russian guy is the guy you want.
Come on...
It's unheard of ...
Oh boy, can you smell it?
It makes no sense now, me being Murphy.
Why do you even need anybody?
(facing the lengthening line behind him) Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you.
What do you need salsa for?
Sorry, really.
Mmm
(on phone) But officer, he threatened me! I don't understand, that?s not right! What if it was the President of the United States I bet you'd investigate. So what?s the difference, I?m a comedian of the United States, and I?ll tell you I?m under just as much pressure. Alright, thanks anyway, ok bye.
Hey, let me ask you a question. In these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room? 
Wow! Coming out of the shower... It's a good thing they gave you that washcloth to cover yourself up... What is this an ad for?
What?
I thought your mother's paying for it.
What's the matter with you?
There must be some kind of lab that would do that kind of thing.
Well, I felt bad about this afternoon, so I got you something. 
Well, I'm doing the PBS show, so during the show they're gonna be running the Ken Burns baseball thing. So I thought if I could get a baseball player to come on the show with me...
Oh, boy.
But I don't wanna be a cowboy!
Where you had, uh, wooden teeth.
They deliver wood?
That is worse.
I don't know how this happened.
Yes. (kisses Nana) Yes of course.
Mom, Dad.....I have fleas.. 
(to George) Keep going.
Yeah, you'd better shoot for March.
You know what? I think I'll just have the salad.
Yeah.
Ohh!
You? What about me? I got the Tonight Show tonight. I'm gonna have to shower in the dressing room.
(Still pulling) Squinch em!
So? What are friends for?
I'm not in the mood.
(jocular) Eighteen-fifties?
Some of us.
He drove a car with no arms?
I don't think I want to meet the people that are in the market for a used van.
So...
I used to be able to have a huge meal and go right to sleep. But I can't anymore.
Nah, I got it from a guy on the street. It was, like, fifty bucks.
(To Kramer) Hey. (To George) He doesn't even know where you live.. Who told you to give him your business card?.. (Intercom buzzes) That's Elaine. (Kramer buzzes her in. Jerry talks into the phone) Kramer.. (To Kramer) George wants to know when you want to look for the cat again.
Bad dog! Bad dog! You go outside! Outside!! What do you want from me? Tell me! Money, you want money? I'll give you money, how much?!
He got fired the next day.
Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would I like him?
No, I just wanted to see what time it was.
What is that, a 12 gauge?
He's not after me.
Will you let me pay just once.
(cautiously) Who is it?
What did you have to give your TV away to George for?
No thanks, maybe some other time.
Kramer, there may be a problem with the phone, hold on. >click click<
You're throwin' this out??
What are we, John Dillinger? How did this get to be the crime of the century? It's not like we stuck a broomstick in her spokes and she went flying...
You're just like George. George'd do the same thing. You're just like him. It's amazing!
Don't aaaaah! I'm supposed to do something with her later? I don't even think I wanna see her.
you know, I think George has a non-sexual crush on him 
Yeah... he's specializing in whales. He's working on lowering the cholesterol level, in whales... all that blubber -- quite unhealthy. You know it's the largest mammal on earth but as George says 'they don't have to be.'
Hey, where's George? I thought he was with you.
Really! You know, a lot of restaurants are serving brewed decaf now, too.
Okay. (He leaves)
Is that a fact?
(pause) You're Donna Chang?
Dinner?
 So he's an eligible receiver.
I don't think so.
Okay, fine. Has Simons been in touch with him?
Well, if you ever talk to her, tell her I'm sorry. Elaine too. She feels terrible.
Yeah, I think it is. (They walk toward the man. Jerry hesitates.) Where's Elaine?
Of course you did. Everyone gets along great when there's no possibility of sex.
He's... trying to get something off his chest.
You can't have more than a one-foot differential in your heights. Otherwise, you could really hurt your neck.
Yeah, you're on top of it, and I'm on the bottom!
But I need the home bed advantage.
I hear it's ah beautiful there.
Yeah, I know that!
Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wha -- what are you doing?
Wow, the whole building burned down.
It's All-Tempa-Cheer.
What's goin' on?
You think he's faking?
Hey! Greg
Well, that's your ceiling.
That's quite a feed bag you're workin' on there.
(Trying to calm George down) It's routine surgery.
Hey.
Middle drawer.
(Agreeing) What's more important?
No, absolutely nothing. (They get up to leave) You're fantastic! (They meet up with Kramer and George on the way out) Hey guys!
George, pick up. I know you're screening for Allison.
Just . . . do it.
So get this: we're in the park today Alex goes wild for this hairless dog.
I reckon.
Eh, died on the table. Just spent hour and a half making me feel, if I don't save lives, I'm worthless.
I'm with you.
So you lie! What did you tell her?
Sure.
 You ready?
Well if you can't smell it then he hasn't been drinking.
Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean only a sick twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
I'm Seinfeld!
You know why? Because people like to say 'salsa.' 'Excuse me, do you have salsa?' 'We need more salsa.' 'Where is the salsa? No salsa?'
What about the chamber maids? Are they naked, too? 
Uh-huh...
What's the matter?
You know, he's right. It's not her place to criticize the script, which reminds me - what did you think of it? You never told me.
Oh yeah, Steinbrenner...
Yeah, where is Russell? I thought he was gonna be here.
Sniffing, with his nose.
Could you?
All right, so I had wooden teeth, so what?
What do you tip a wood guy?
Really.
No, no. It's not your fault. 'Books, books, I need my books.' Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? You know the great thing? When you read Moby Dick the second time, Ahab and the whale become good friends. You know, it's not like Marlene's a bad person or anything, but, my God! I mean, we've had like three lunches and a movie, and she never stops calling. (George nods.) And it's these meaningless, purposeless, blather calls. She never asks if I'm busy or anything. I just pick up the phone, and she's in the middle of a sentence!
I'm just gonna get my jacket, I'll meet you downstairs. What's the matter, did you call?
(mind's voice) Just a salad? Just a salad? Just a salad?
She was looking for someone to go to the show with.
I can't believe it! This guy ripped me off!
Really?
Where are you going?
(Stops) Alright, that's not gonna work, it's not gonna work. Let me just think for a second here.
So he's Bizarro Jerry!
Where are you going? 
All right, okay. We're in the apartment watching TV.
She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.
(reluctant) Mr Mandelbaum, I...
Hola.
Do you know how hard it's getting just to tell people I know you?
Excuse me. Can I get something to drink?
OK.
I'm not gay.
All right.
Could be.
(Into phone) Kramer says it's up to the cat now. (To Kramer) It'll be on your conscience.
Well, I'll tell you, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant, she'd be spinning.
No.
That's it?
12 gauge. Seems to be the most popular gauge.
How you gonna pay? You don't even have a wallet!
Awe... That's nice!
Yeah, but now you're in here all the time. (Marla enters from other room)
No, I don't.
Oh no! >click click< Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk, goodbye!
You don't want any of this?
Hello... Oh hello Elaine.
Why not? They could have met. She loves the park, he works for the Parks Department.
Kramer, I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity. It's ball *boys*, not ball men. There are no ball men. 
Hi. Hi Winona. Nice to see you again. 
I mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that. George is like a school girl around him 
Well we saw you come in.
Something huh?
Hmm, So?
Oh, you'll have a good time, I swear.
No it isn't.
Oh. No. What, you mean because of the 'Chang'?
 What's stopping them?
That close, huh?
Well, this is it. I'm selling.
Maybe I will.
(to the man) Excuse me. Mister Benes?
You realize you're venturing into uncharted waters.
(also grabbing) What're you doing, I got it.
George, if you could master this, you'll never be alone again.
Come in for two minutes and sit with me.
Oh, all the way.
(Surprised) Huh?
I'm not talking about upside down. (Jean-Paul and Kramer come in) I'm talking about waking him up!
Well, sit on one of your couch cushions.
Of course.
Yeah, so?
Ah! right...nice. Lunch with Elaine?
Super terrific carpal tunnel syndrome.
(Gesturing to Ellen) Kramer, George, this is Ellen.
So, coffee shop?
So. I figure since she likes one hairless animal why not another.
Dude!
Dermatology?
Hey, Tim.
This could only happen to you.
Here! I'm gonna try and fix the buzzer.
Pretentious!? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS. They're like the MAFIA. They can take anything they want
They also have an atomic wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. Very rare.
Well, ah, I've been looking forward to it.
I don't get it. Why would a woman do that and then leave no way to get in touch with her.
Well, it might not be hell but you're gonna run into some bad dudes.
 I do favors.
Yes you do.
Even if this so called mental defective did put something on her leg she's still the one who laughed.
We're doing sixty miles an hour!
'Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?? You have the seltezer after the salsa!'
Who you gonna to call?
Well, well, look at you. It?s a little skimpy there isn't it?
I know look at this [shows ad]
Why not?
I know the list...
No, I asked him.
Alright, Do your thing, where you lie to everyone.
Oh yeah? Huh.
Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after himself. He said, 'Yeah, I got this new thing: Platonic. My idea, my name, callin' it after myself. What I do is, I go out with the girls, I talk with them- don't do anything, and go right home. What'd you think? I think it's going to be big!' I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get relationships named after them, but it didn't work. Y'know, I bet you there were guys who tried to do it, just went, 'Uh, Hi, uh my name's Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it's a Riconic relationship.'
Hm. You ate.
(disgusted) Ohh! You know, and sometimes she'll go, (imitates Marlene) 'Hello, Jerry?' And I'll go, 'Oh, hi Marlene.' And then it's 'Jerry...'
What did you say?
(jumps in surprise) Hoh! What're you doing here? You're supposed to be gone.
Now, the ending is kind of an option. I use the swirl. I like the swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. *I* feel the swirl is a great capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous.
How come you're eating your peas one at a time?
World's collide. (points at George)
Yes! This guy ripped me off! He stole that statue right out of my house!
You know, she won an academy award?
Hold it, hold it...Look your gonna need the jaws of life to get out of those things.
Yeah. Like Bizarro Superman. Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards bizarro world. Up is Down. Down is Up. He says 'Hello' when he leaves, 'Good bye' when he arrives.
I'm a joke maker.
Well, for one think, don't listen to him.
Seth, if you knew the meeting was so important why did you go the lunch with me?</font>
On the couch.
Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.
(consenting) Alright.
All right, take it easy.
What is all this?
And you are?
What's with this airline? What are you, cutting out the drinks now?
Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you were baby-sitting at Vivian's.
I don't want to trade.
No, no. He's pretending he's got gonorrhea so med students can diagnose it.
I've gotta see this game. If it wasn't for this guy, we could get out of here.
(Into phone) How do you figure? (To Kramer) 'Cause you're the one who left the door open.
I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?
Here?
Alright.
Mine too, love the 12 gauge.
What're you gonna do?
Hu, well, tomorrow, I, ...
Marla, Kramer.
No. No. I was kidding. It's terrible.
Hey, one second, you don't get off that easy. C'mon, tell me what you thought.
Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What are we gonna do?!?
You know I have some friends who would really like to have these.
I don't know, I'm not really in the mood.
But he was squinting.
Well, let's start the insanity.
She looked great.
I think you know my policy. 
Really.
Oh I like that. It's like going back in time. (George comes outside)
Yes you did.
I didn't think so.
Yeah, I'll see you.
 What does he look like?
Hello...Oh, hi, Laura.
Hey!
I never should've gotten involved in this. I'm a nervous wreck. I'm not cut out for investing.
I'm Jerry, Elaine's friend, and this is George.
Are you that desperate?
Will you stop it.
Oh, who's gonna know?
Is that so?
Hey, Jean-Paul. How was your soak? Was a good soak?
The amazing thing is you never have any place to go.
They serve soup at 6 a.m.?
You know last time you had me throwin' a rye bread up three floors to you, now you want me to go up to the Bronx, take flyers off your car, where does it end?!?
You know 'm just curious, How did you know she wasn't my girlfriend?
How long did you leave it up there?
Hello?
(sits up in bed) Oh what...
Are you nuts? I don't want her to think I'm one of those low-rise briefs guys who shaves his chest.
It's 10:30 in the morning?
You, sidle? Y-You ... you stomp around like a Clydesdale!
Saving lives? The whole profession is; eh, just put some aloe on it.
(Joking around) I think it's the stench of death.
Actually, I'm having dinner with a girl I met at your party.
You said this to her after.
Hey...
And you can do everything with it. You can get e-mail, fax, there's a calculator.
Well what do girls do ?
Eh, people, people are talking.
We have time.
 What?
Yes you would.
Who are you, Mannix?
What?
Ooo, that was a bad toast.
Hi, I got some friends inside, I gotta get a message to 'em. Mind if I walk through real quick?
Biff?
What smell?
I don't know, you know, what if...?
(TO GEORGE) Hey George, you ever see one?
All right I'll talk to her. If you want to be a ball man go ahead, break the ball barrier. (Elaine drinks straight out of the orange juice container) Hey.
I don't need a reason to give gifts, it's my nature. I love to make people happy. 
Hey, did you ever get to talk to Noreen?
No, nothing.
Would I have to get a gardener?
Someone says, 'Get out of my life,' and that doesn't affect your appetite?
After one date you try and improvise on her machine?
(trying to ease the tension) Look, I don't want any trouble. I don't have a doorman in my building. I guess I'm just not used to talking to them. I'd really just like to be friends.
I prefer clockwise, but it's not written in stone.
Hey, Kramer if I killed somebody would you turn me in?
Because this world is your sanctuary and if that world comes into contact with --
Now there's a match. You and Katherine Hepburn.
Gimme that rye!)
(Kramer waddling out the door) Maybe you can soak in the tub.
No. It's still a goodbye.
(To Kramer) Hey, hey, what the hell is he doing?
Eckman? I thought he was doing time?
Hi.
I only knew you through Moochie.</font>
No, separated.
Being really clean and happy?
There. Alright?
Ah, no wonder we're getting so much rain.
(Sarcastic) Are they gonna go over the instructions again?
Oh no, where's the blood? (opens the fridge) It's in here isn't it?
Hey, you know what? This is all your mail. They're puttin' it in my box now.
(Tapping the door you lift to retrieve your candy on the machine) I think the candy comes out over there. 
Hi, I'm Jerry. How do you like my pants?
Come on in here.
(Into phone) Why was he in charge of closing the door? (Irritated at the phone message relay, to Kramer) 'Cause you came in after him!
All right, that's it. From now on no more calling out they found it, unless we're sitting in it. Okay?
Why are you doing this?
But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
I'll prove it. Would you do me a favor?
Is this the proper venue?
I must have iron rich blood.
I didn't do anything.
Yeah, uh, Ok, uh, tomorrow uh, where da ya - where do you live, uh, up town? Upper west side?
Why don't you go out? It's nice out.
(Over his shoulder) Not me. 
No, no, of course not! People's personal sexual preferences are nobody's business but their own!
Well, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee...
What, the grilled cheese? Naaah, they always burn the toast.
Are you kidding? I've seen 'em squint. He can squint his way down to like twenty, thirty vision. Once we were driving down from the Catskills and he lost his glasses. He squinted his way from Wortsborough down to the Tappan Zee Bridge! He was spotting raccoons, on the road!
She asked about you.
Ohhh, moisture?
Good, good.
She could have.
Yeah, that's a deal. That's a terrible deal. I don't want to go out to dinner with him. I'd rather make my own suit.
Kramer you're going to have to face her some time
 He looks like you and he's working from the inside?
(to the phone) No believe me, I'm always up at this hour. How are you?... Great... Sure... What time does the plane get in?... I got my friend George to take me...
This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed!
Where?
(more disgusted) Ohhhh! You can't! It's impossible! There's no break in the conversation where you can go, 'All right then...' You know, it just goes on and on and on without a break in the wall. I mean, I gotta put a stop to this.
So are you going to bring your gun?... All right, then it's settled. First date, no weapons... All right I'll see you then... Okay, bye.
Uncle Leo! (releasing his grip) Alright! Take it!
Two minutes.
Well we...
We're gonna meet Elaine and Peterman at the Chinese place.
Do the bums ever complain? 'Soup again?'
Alright, alright, I'll do it!!
Because you know we used to go out.
Play the tape, maybe we'll get a clue.
Oh hi, Katie.
Is that your 'chicken' making all that noise?
So, has the summer of George already started or are you still de-composing?
You can eat it?
Oh, boy.
(waving the key) You jammed your key in here? You shorted out my intercom!
Yeah, I guess. But the really cool thing is the daily planner.
Come on.
Walk away?
What kind of pen is that?
Ah, non-smoking would be great.
It is exciting.
 Wow.
Alright put your hands up over your face, pretend you're sleeping.
(dismissing) Yeah, right.
Alright, fine. You figure something out. I'd be very curious to know how you pick up a check with no money. 'Cause if this works, the whole monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing) I'm going to the bathroom.
I never heard anybody curse in a toast.
You're not worried about that?
You what?
Whatd'ya mean I stink?
I don't know.
So what'd you think?
So what did you do there all day? 
Are you ready? 
No he's going downtown to guard the suit. 
So was I right about the flirting? Was it true?
No. Not Chinese. Not even Asian.
No, it's just that I, uh...didn't get one.
So you're having sex and then all of a sudden, you just blurt out 'I'm giving you a raise.'
You tip him?
It is unbelievable.
(laughing) Really? What a shock.
Sure.
What are you looking for?
I'd like to be.
What is it?
My censoring system broke down. You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say? Makes sure you don't make a mistake? He went for a cup of coffee. And in that second ruined my life.
You're kidding?
This is a, Bob Cobb.
I didn't know. Kramer told me about the worlds.
Pretty sure! Ninety-nine percent sure.
Katherine Hepburn? Oh yeah.
Shut up, you old bag!
(answering phone) Y'hello.
No.
Does what?
A rebel? No. Johnny Yuma was a rebel. Eckman is a nut. George, you want to take care of your tonsils, you do it in a hospital. With a doctor.
Ah, I'm one kind.
Um, actually I haven't read Tank McNamara yet. (takes the paper back)</font>
Around eleven.
Disorder?
I'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear of flying and, I have no arguement with that. I think fear of flying is quite rational because, human beings cannot fly. Humans have fear of flying same way fish have fear of driving. Put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, 'This isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I don't belong here.'
What is this?
Gwen?
Either that, or they've got a weird little hang-up about lying face-down in filth. Why don't you just go to the cashier? 
(talking to George) It's working. (to the girl, who's tapping on the aquarium) Don't tap on the glass.
What's happening? What, you doing, come and talk to us.
(Into phone) So! (To Kramer - getting even more angry) So, the last person in should close the door!
His eyes look a little cloudy.
Elaine have you ever gone out with a bald man?
I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
Would you take a drink and let us smell you?
No, no, I want to. I, I very much want to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to.
The Coast,
5-19? What's a 5-19?
No, he just doesn't like me.
Up state! Hummm.
There's weather.
Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got an appointment to get my, um, tonsils out.
Oooh that. Well...
'How's George?'
That's an open-lip kiss, alright.
Yeah, why don't you guys get a table so you'll have good seats?
She's got greeting problems.
Imagine, her taking credit for your big salad.
Hey. (raises hands into 'fists of encouragement')
 Not you.
No, it's, it's just my neighbour... Um... Yeah, I got it. (Jerry takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on.) Ten-fifteen... No, don't be silly, go ahead and ask... Yeah, sure... Okay, great, no no, it's no trouble at all... I'll see you tomorrow... Great, bye. (He hangs up the phone; to Kessler) I don't believe it. That was her. She wants to stay here! 
What are you talkin' about? It's fine, I love having you here.
The hospital?
Yeah. Yes, she is.
(with no emotion) It's okay. Everything is going to be all right.
What happened?
Of course not, if I did would you have gone?
How could you not?
Hey, what are ya up to?
Oh Yeah we went way out and wild.
I really thought you had her there at seventeen thousand.
Well, I just want you to know I'm there for you. Course now I'm here for you, but when i'm not here for you, i'm there for you.
Where?
Is that it?
How's life on the red planet? (shuts door)</font>
Oh relax, Katie. It's not a problem.
Who?
(ironic outrage) The nerve. Talkin' about ya behind your back--and right to your face!
The last thing this guy's qualified to give a tour of is reality.
Oh my god, it's Bania and Jenna.
Who's he?
(Giddy) This is gonna be great!
Wow! So...?
I'm gonna go let Elaine in. (Kramer reaches out to stop him leaving)
Showmanship, George is trying to get out on a high note.
Hello?
Isn't there a deductible?
Yeah.
What's amazing to me about the library is it's a place where you go in you can take out any book you whant they just give it to you and say bring it back when you're done. It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend. And that's why everybody kinds of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time ... I'll bring it back late. ... Oh, what are you going to do? Charge me a nickel?
Thank you. [Throws the towel around like a hot potato.]
Please, please, Isabel? She is the most despicable woman I have ever met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.
 Go!  What could you do?
We'll be outside
No, I'm, uh, Dylan Murphy. Mr. O'Brien had a long trip, he's sleeping.
Just talking? Well what's the show about?
He's a bubble boy.
There were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a Red Fox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the worst all time toasts.
There's a naked woman across the street. 
I mean, so what if I'm funny? Who cares?
You kissed her?
You fell on her?
I showered! Oh, wait a second... Since I showered, I've been in the car!
(thinking) They've gotta be kidding.
All I know he was sniffing.
Alright, I'm waiting. I-I want to see the pig-man. Show me the pig- man.
So it's a nice place to work? 
(whips off bag to reveal Indian) Ta-da! 
Well, she's... like you.
Ah, but he called me up and he asked for yours and Elaine's addresses, I'm sure that means I'm invited.
Just a quick sidebar here -- are you in anyway authorized to give raises?
I never heard her say hi.
If my father was moving this he'd had to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. (as his father) 'Have you got your end?...Your end's got to come down first, easy now, drop it down...drop it down, your end's got to come down.'
How much could you possibly have in there?
Take care.
(to waiter) I'll have a cranberry juice with two limes.
Sorry. I don't have any tupperware.
What?
When did you do this?
So, is there any way out of this Elaine thing?
You would turn me in?
Yeah, I guess I slipped up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nice to meet you.
That was him?
Why, what's up?
Look. Just, forget it, (already). All right?
May I see you outside for a moment please?
The Fleckman.
So she's flipping around the TV, and she gets to the naked station.
(thoughtful) Hmm, that could hurt me. (pointing out of window) Hey, there it is.
You didn't give that thing back?
Oh, fire engines, ambulances all along the runway. And then, when we landed safely, they all seemed so disappointed.
What about this? This is blood isn't it?!
Oh, what's the point?
(Not willing to believe how much uglier she is) Really?
How much was under there? 
Lets talk about that.
(To Kramer) Talk - call him from your house. (Elaine enters. Kramer leaves. To phone) He's calling you now.. okay. (Hangs up)
Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?
Who's got the tickets? GEORGE I do. (TO KRAMER) I thought you knew this mall. You said you'd been here before!
You know what that makes you?...A baldist.
Uh, here we go. The supervisor. You know what she's saying over there?
I can't. What if he wakes up?
Who said that?
You know it seems impossible.
Uh, yeah. (broaching a subject) Hey uncle Leo, I hope I wasn't uh, rude to you that day I bumped into you on the street. Uh, I really did have to get to a meeting.
I'm tellin' George to give you your TV back.
I got it! (snaps his fingers) We give the keys to Elaine.
Yeah I guess. So you wanna meet at that place at seven thirty?
It's a cigar store Indian. (to Elaine) Read the card. 
Yeah she asked for your number, I think she's gonna get in touch with you.
No I haven't.
Well, the tomato's an anomaly. So successful with the ketchup and the sauce, but you can't find a good one. (Kramer enters with a box of lobster)
Obviously.
Remember when we were in the bookstore, that woman came up to us?
Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it up. (Gets up and leaves.)
I love the day date. No wine, No shower.
 We'll take a check please.
Ma, will you stop?
Are you nuts? You don't even know the guy.
Come back another time.
There you go.
You wanna go with me up to (clap) the Bronx and see if there's any flyers on George's car.
Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.
Hi Elaine.
Do you hear this clunking?
So how did this all happen?
Isn't it Myanmar now?
What do you make of it?
Oh yeah I like this idea. 
George, you need a medical doctor.
Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers and complain?</font>
Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not, a chicken.
No. No Suze.
The tooth brush in the toilet bowl.
Alright.
(in the hallway, hearing the door lock behind him, turns back) Kramer!
Kramer, what are you doing here?
Yes! Step into that spotlight and belt that gonorrhea out to the back row.
She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs.
I don't know.
Wow! That's the astronaut pen. I heard about that. Where did you get it?
Well, ah w-what do you recommend my good fellow?
Then what?
 We'll get a ride.
It was nice meeting you By the way, How do you warm up your fingers before you play?
You know, long dark hair.
Newsletter?
I can't believe this. A 5-19?
No story?
Yes. A bubble boy.
What do you mean not going? why not?
(Commenting) Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back. 
Well, should we leave?
What kinda great friend are you? How do you go from snubbing to kissing?
She wouldn't take her coat off at my house, either.
You what?
Don't you see what's happening here? It's attached itself to me! It's alive!
Good evening, folks. How you doing? (small reaction from the crowd) Well, you sound like a great crowd. We have a show we're gonna put on for you tonight. It's a new TV show. It's what they call a pilot. And we hope it becomes a series. It's called 'Jerry', and I'm playing Jerry--
I know.
Maybe he's just a guy with a nose like this. (holds his nose up like a pig) You know a lot of people have a nose like this, they're not necessarily pig-men.
Yeah.
Well, it's false advertising, see? And the thing is, I think she likes people thinkin' she's Chinese. She suggests Chinese food. She always introduces herself as 'Donna Chang'...
Well, you should have seen it. It was quite a scene over there.
(trying desperately to make conversation) So, Ceausescu. He must've been some dictator.
Hey, why would you call someone up and ask them for two addresses if you're not invited to the party?
So you're so grateful to have sex, that you'll just shout out anything that comes into your head.
Look, it's a very awkward situation. I don't wanna be presumptuous.
Yeah? Where'd he go, to an arcade?
She'll call you back. You're overreacting.
What about a plastic bag?
Wha...? Wai... wait a second. What do I do?
I don't get this. How did this happen. I don't have a dog. 
Oh... Why Fusilli?
You know, the water pressure's terrible in my building. And she loves a good shower.
I can't believe your a friend of mine.
You like full lips.
Somehow I thought he'd be taller.
Oh my god, you're kidding. (dives for his wallet) Hang on a second. (reading from his registration) It's JVN 728.
Tough day at the office?
Outside!
Right.
Hello Milos.
And then, somehow, we started talking about, what if we had sex.
Nah, we've seen it.
Hi Valerie.
That's because you didn't win.
Well, there was so much snow. The roads were closed. I really appreciate it - you picking me up. Thanks again.
Ooh, you're sick! You're sick!!
Revenge date? That sound like you more than me.
(While fishing through his pocket for change) Hey, Puddy thinks I should go for the CD player. What do you think? (Hands him a nickel) 
Who is that woman?!
What is that?
No hello?
Coffee?
Hey Marge, you see those two people over there? They think I'm talking to you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you start talking.
I got a bottle of scotch my uncle gave me. It's Hennigans. It's been here for two years. I've been using it as a paint thinner.
I'm not worried about their best pitching. They got pitching. ...They got no hitting.
A man who respects a good comma. If it was one of those in and out comas, maybe. But when a guy's got a coma going like this ... you don't want to mess with it.
Elaine, how about this shirt? Is this okay?
Is he okay?
Oh no.
You see the look on my uncle's face? Did you see how insulted he was? What could I do? Waht are we supposed to do? You can't leave. There's no excuse good enough to justify walking away from a conversation with one of my relatives.
Ma, I know this may be hard for you to understand but I am sure there are many people who do not like me.
So you found that watch in the garbage can, huh?
I don't know.
That's terrible...
Yeah! You're a woman! Men don't hit a woman!
All right.
Nah, look at this. Cable's out.
What about your boss? The guys you interviewed you? 
Read it out loud. 
That's all there is to it. 
David!
I got no problem with that.
What?
Oh, sure she was; Asked me where the 'humor' section was? Humor? Come on.
 I know, you would drape yourself in velvet.
It's like a game of tag.
I don't care. I'm sleeping next door.
What if he's in an iron lung or something? What are you gonna do? (Jerry knocks on imaginary glass.) 'How you feeling, Mr. Wilkinson?' (He makes a hissing sound.) 'By the way, what's happening with Sendrax?'
Bye, Dad. Take it easy.
Not once.
Trust me, you're off.
Hey.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I guess I coulda said just about anything there, couldn't I? (throws coat over his right shoulder)
Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup? Pretty name for a girl.
How do you know she's not my wife?
(stunned) Is that right?
No, certainly not.
Well, an overnight stay in a hospital? Minor surgery? I dunno, four grand.
Well, if he's doing that bad, maybe he's in line for another promotion.
What are you doing?</font>
Well, you picked out a rooster.
Who are you describin'?
You're not Valerie.
But you only provide fantasy world corporate experience.
What happened?
Have you come across this?
Oh, hey. You got in.
From what?
Cause sometimes I write in bed and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen work.
No one's going to do that.
Well then the turkey it'll be. And may I say you have a splendid establishment here, my friend. I'm sure you flourish at this location for many, many years.
She wants to be an actress. She makes me read these moronic acting scenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex, I'm helpless, I'll do anything. So finally Kramer comes in the other day.
 We'll be fine, what did she say?
Flowing?
Oh, yes, he's very proud of his work in the big game. So you've never uh, met him before?
You've got to have a story.
He lives in a bubble.
Why doesn't she pay for hers?
(Still staring at the woman) Uh-huh. 
And what did she do?
So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
You touched 'em?!
Look, it doesn't necessarily mean anything yet, it just means he was sniffing.
Well, if I hear an anguished 'oink', I'm outta here. I-I don't see any pig-men. Look (HE POINTS AT PASSERBY) Human, human, human... (HE LOOKS DOWN CORRIDOR, WITH ALARM.) (WITH MOCK ALARM) Wait a second! (Grabs Kramer)
O.k., good, I'll see you later. (Kramer and Toby are about to exit. She turns around and clutches Kramer's jacket.)
You got lobster for everybody?
Well, she is a woman.
Oh, you really missed something. And I have to say...it was pretty much all my fault. (Jerry smiles. George laughs.) So, how's the book coming? (George's laughs taper off...) I say, how's the book comin'?
He, uh, he must've been dictating first thing in the morning. 'I want a cup of coffee and a muffin!'
I'm callin' Elaine. See if she can find out anything from Tim Whatley.
Well maybe she'll just think it was bawdy talk.
Where you going?
All right, she said she couldn't find a decent hotel room...
They deliver the coal?
C'mon, move up.
The waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. 'Cause it says 'Waiting Room.' There's no chance of not waiting. 'Cause they call it the waiting room, they're gonna use it. They've got it. It's all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your little magazine. You pretend you're reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You know, you're thinking about about them. Things like, 'I wonder what he's got. As soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine.' And then, they finally call you and it's a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. 'Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later.' You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. You're going into the next waiting room ' the littler waiting room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest room that they have, I think. You don't wnat to be in the largest room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating theaters, that they have, with like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go, 'I have to see this! Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do that to him? Are there seats? Can we get in?' Do they scalp tickets to these things? 'I got two for the Winslow tumor, I got two...'
What is the difference?
Oh.
I don't understand this.. 
Well, thank you very much.
If they were fanatic about showers, they might.
Well, I am sure I had a good reason.
So, let me ask you something - these people eat soup three times a day?
Coincidence? This guy's in my apartment and then, just by coincidence, he has the same exact statue in his apartment?
Mmm-mmm. Too bad you're engaged.
(standing) Alright, I'll see you later.
Well, so that's that. 
Okay.
Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, he said he brought it to the country.
Well, we better get goin' if we're gonna go to that uh, seven o'clock cold fusion.
(not interested) Oh, I'm sure they are.
No, I don't have any ashtrays.
So listen, I gotta go down to Atlantic City. I'm performing at Bally's.
(animated) You know, I spent two hundred dollars on a racquet because I thought you knew what you were talking about.
It pains me to say this, but I may be getting to mature for details.
No, really.. an airport run.
Hey, what's going on? Who made pudding?
Dermatologist? Skin doesn't need a doctor!
Hey, can I have my dollar back? 
So join in.
Guarantee? ..Hey, it's a car.
No, I don't drink coffee.
(holding up a piece of paper) I don't want to see this woman anymore but I haven't got the will power to throw out her number. Please, help me. Help me.
Now you say something else and they won't yell at me 'cause they thought I was checking with you.
I don't smell anything.
Defence? Please. ...They need speed.
Hey.
This is the most amazing story I've ever heard--why did he want you to take off the baseball cap? That is so insane!
Pull over? You can't pull over.
You could be a fireman on a fire truck on the way to a fire. You bump into one of my relatives. 'I'm sorry Uncle Leo, there's a building full of people burning down. I really do have to be running.' He'll go: 'Go. Go ahead. Go to your fancy fire. If that's what you have to do.'
It's true.
Oh, heh. You know, a friend of mine has a watch just like that. I'd love to replace it for him as a gift.
Kramer... (points to Marla)
I don't have to be funny, I don't care.
What happened? My car *stinks* is what happened. And it's destroying the lives of everyone in it's path.
Not if they don't know you...
Yeah, it's what John Wilkes Booth yelled out when he shot Lincoln.
Bye.
No, no, no. No trouble at all, it's a principal the thing. (Jerry picks up the phone and dials the number) I like them to know that I know what's going on. That they're not... getting away with anything. Oh, I'm on hold. So, what did you do yesterday?
Hi. 
(takes the card from Elaine) We had a little fight this afternoon. (reading from card) Let's bury the hatchet. We smoke um peace pipe. 
And when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza? 
Expect a call.
Alright, so maybe she wasn't flirting with me. So what?
 Many times.  You love velvet, you want to live in velvet, everything with the velvet.
No, he's making a bouillabaisse.
Who goes to the hospital to rest?
So, how was it?
I have never seen one episode of I Love Lucy in my life, ever.
I'm just not getting any hot water.
(to the man in the elevator) Hey, hey. Wait a second. Hey! Hello!
(noncommittal) Errh.
Oh, man, look at this mess!  You know what's gonna happen if they see this?
I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.
Hey, Elaine, you have got to buy this new electric toothbrush I just got - the Ori-dent.
Maybe, maybe
No one's gonna listen to you.
That, that's tomato juice.</font>
Named Suze?
You haven't even seen it.
Alright, it's time to go.
(Relating) Like the Batman villain?
Yeah right.
(taking the menus) Oh, thanks.
Kramer, you can't live down here. This is where people come to die.
We're not leaving the car!
Oh no.
(thinks) Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people the way I do. All right, snap out of it you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do want, a Nobel Prize?
 What?  She said that?
'Thick lustrous hair is very important to me,' is that what you said?
Never seen a picture of him?
Oh, Anthony Quinn, fine actor. But from what I understand, not a very good driver. Hits everything on the road. But always leaves a note.
And who is on the show? Who are the characters?
It's nice to get a reach.
I don't get this. I go out with this girl three times, she doesn't want to shake my hand - why's she kissing you?
Wow.
You know I can't get this *damn thing* to sleep. (about the Yo-Yo)
No, he didn't use 'man'.
Oh, it's George.
Men definitely hit the remote button more than women...
Really? (sits on couch)
So, what's it about?
No, you'd have to be crazy.
Maybe you could have sex with her again and then take it back.
You're going to the book store to see Jake Jarmel, aren't you?
Yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place.
So, dad, lemme ask you a question. How many people work at these big law offices?
Oh, then I gotta tip him.
So, when do I get my dinner?
Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here?
Nobody can be in here for 48 hours, I got my parents in town. 
Look at that woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting, coffee shop corned beef hash. Isn't that child abuse?
But you know me!
I had a statue! What should I do?
(about the pie) This is no good.
Hey, Bob.
That's not that? 
Bye.
Good work Kramer, this is incredible.
No. I'm fine, thank you.
(pulling on a jacket) They had a cancellation and they instantly called me.
You can't even play.
Well. I'll tell you though. It was really passionate.
But, I never...
I don't believe this.
Hey, it's one thing if I asked you 'Could you do me a favor?' ..But to suggest it?.. GEORGE: (Obviously up to something. Jerry doesn't suspect anything - yet) Whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it makes you stop and think. You appreciate having a real friend.
Damn that George, I told him I don't want this stuff around here anymore...
You're right. I'm gonna call her right now and tell her off.
What am I gonna say?
(getting looks from his parents) Not you. Older people.
One message. Hope it's not from you.
All right.
(Jokingly asking) So, did you have a nice week together?
No, I don't have--
So I'm never gonna see her again, I'm going cold turkey.
Yeah.
Franco's no good? ...They got no team leaders.
Yeah, I heard.
How you feeling?
Pull over? The lieutenant is waiting to see us.
Why didn't you shave this morning?
Yeah, I know. Maybe uh, you wanna sell me that one.
No, that's what I thought but apparently it's just a big piece of plastic dividing the room.
What?!
Who is it?
So your boyfriend never came back from Berlin.
No way! It's completely under my control.
'Guys And Dolls'? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical?
Yeah.
It means: 'Death to tyrants'.
(Shrugs) I - I don't get it.
Yeah, you remember yesterday? Beautiful day... good day to be... out.
I got a haircut. 
Oh a slinky.
Now, I should tell you... that, at this point, she's under the impression that you're - a - ah...
I don't know why you're interested in this guy, he's a jerk.
Well, it has nothing to do with you.
Okay, fine, fine. When are you going down there?
Well, it's a first visit.
Thank you.
Thanks, Julio.
Yeah. I hope so ?!
What are we gonna do?
Oh, I forgot to call Christie.
Hi.
Yeah, there's some sickos out there.
Oh, it's unbelievable. Every time you use it you feel like you just came from the dentist!
Bob.
What's going on here?
(agreeing) well three years is a long time to be married.
You're not qualified to work at the catalog.
I don't know Kramer, ahh, my concern is that ....</font>
No, Katie, don't-- (He hangs up phone)
Hi.
(sarcastically) I know!
(Joking) You know, if Richie Brandes did this, I'd be suspicious, you know. He's always got some ulterior motive.
So, if I ask her out again - I don't know who's showing up: The good, the bad, or the ugly.
So, he's definitely married, huh?
Hey, wh-what--
Kramer, you're still on the phone?
Absolutely not. He sped up.
I couldn't
That's right, Gavin Palone. What? Are you sure? He was released on Monday? *Last* Monday? Did he leave a phone number or address? Unbelievable. Well thank you, thanks, thanks very much. (Hangs up) That's it, Farfel! Party's over! Start packing up your little squeeze toys buddy boy, you're checking out!
 Get out of here.
Yeah, it looked as if you were in a real conversation over there.
Just clarifying.
Not even on the book jacket?
Excellent film. In fact Quinn said he never felt so good as when he left a note after smacking into a car.
You?
Excuse me?!
What if we created some sort of diversion? What if we all went by the car and started screaming: 'There he is, there's the guy that took the handicap spot!' And then, when they all run into the other direction, we'll jump in the car!
No, but in one point he did use the bathroom.
Hey-yah, ho-ah, hey-yah, ho-ah. 
Oh so you still don't believe us.
Yes, yeah...see, men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV.
Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Paul an' Noreen broke up because o' you kept hangin' up on him?
Holly Go-Lightly.
Yes. Very bad. Very, very bad.
All right, all right. I'm sorry.
 Hey.
(cynical) This is the signal? Thank you, Mr. Signal. Where were you yesterday?
Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they would know who it was?
I don't have any plants.
Yes, I know you're not gonna do it. That's why I bet.
(after the guy) You think you're better than me?
Okay.. 
Yeah, the guy with the flat head.
What is it?
Is it a lot of cream soups?
I'll call Kramer. He can check my house.
Hey, Bobby, over here.
Well, if that's not that, what is that? 
Oh God!
No. I know what I want.
What do you mean he's bootlegging the movie?
Don't flatter yourself, my friend. I'm here strictly for material, and I have a feeling this is a potential gold mine.. I still think you're nuts, though.
What the hell is going on here?
..living together after a while we... we might start to get on each others nerves a little.</font>
Carrot Top. I told you, my career's fine.
You could do that?
Hey, I thought you went to the game.
She must've taken some kind of seminar or something.
No! He's riding my coattails again. He's getting everything off me, first laughs now ladies.
Aaah...
Flowers?
Kramer you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking.
Sophie.
There's no ping. Why are you so wacky?
OK, wait a second, wait a second, what happened to my papers?
Well, I don't normally--
I'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I was like an animal. I mean it was just completely uninhibited.
Come on up.
But you gotta like their chances.
You know I thing Kramer might have been responsible for getting Richie involved with drugs in the first place.
We have an appointment!
Why?
(pulling Leo back in) Hang on a second. I got a little proposition for you.
What? What?! You were the one who was talking dirty. I was just trying to keep up!
Oh, you must have been devastated being left for a wall.
Of course I can, am I being funny now?
'The Collected Works Of Bette Midler'.
I know... I was at the car wash this morning and the guy told me in his 38 years in the business, he's never smelled anything like it.
What is it?
(laughing) Oh you must have done something.
But I thought things were going great. 
Oh there's nothing to see. 
Why did she give you that? 
A marine biologist.
Yeah, so?
Well, generally speaking you don't need any extra incentive to murder a dry cleaner. I wouldn't worry about that.
Why does he do that?
So lemme get this straight: you find yourself in the kitchen. You see an &eacute;clair, in the receptacle. And you think to yourself, 'What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.'
Hey. How'd it go with Gary?
Oh, God.
All right.
You can't do that.
Well, we thought she was meeting you earlier. She's usually pretty punctual. Don't you find that, George?
Yes, I'm lactose intolerant.
Huh?
Assman?
Kramer, I'm tellin' you, Elaine doesn't know whatta hell she's doin'! I gotta take over this whole operation!
Well, we gotta get it washed (pulls off a few flyers)....Ah, the keys are locked inside!
Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop neck. She looked like some kinda superhero.
No.
You ever go to Camp Tiyoga?
Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? You want to come see me on the Charles Grodin show?
Bob. Oh, Bob.
(angry) Oh, you idiots!
Yeah, it's me. Kramer found the car!
So, what's on your mind?
What are you doing?
(quiet annoyance) I don't write skits.
What is that smell?
Actually, that is not a bad idea.
Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't take the bridge.. Get off here. We can't go back to my place, Elaine's having the shower.
So they're like everyone else.
Yeah.
Boy, I would love to have been there when you told him off.
If you feed him, he'll never leave.
Really? It's Tuesday here. What day is it there?
I'm ready to talk.
I can't take it.
Oh, one-on-one's a whole different game. Can't pass off.
Those are really ugly sneakers. Where did you get those?
 What did you say?
Fine.
Who told you about Martin?
Do you want to be able to get it out or do you want to not be able to get it out?
(nudging George) Hey O'Brien, wake up, c'mon, we got company. Wake up.
So, on the show, there's a character named George Costanza?
Um, I haven't got my watch on. It's being fixed.
That's no good. He wouldn't last ten minutes in there. Anyway what can I do, I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow.  It's his birthday. I can't go to the cabin.
Because of Divola! Get in here... How come you're not dressed?
What do you got there?
Oh, what do you know, you have no breast touching experience.
Honey... Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday?
No, it starts in five minutes. You were there at the taping, what's the big deal?
Do you think that's a bad sign?
...ho-ah. It's, it's, it's kitschy. 
See...women really want to see what the show is before they change the channel...
(Jerry realizes the situation is hopeless) All right.
Well, you know if Paul thought it was some guy... hangin' up because he was having an affair with Noreen?
Yes, you haven't read a page, have you?
How long has she been there?
 So what?
No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I don't know her name.
That's the bet! That you're not doing it!
Oh, right.
'Ahh! You too with these?'
Yeah, I've heard that about wedding bands.
555-3455.
Don't worry. (whispering into the phone) Kramer! Kramer!... It's Jerry!... Jerry!... From next door!... Never mind where I am!... Yes, Jerry Seinfeld!...
(louder) Bob!
What kind of plans? 
Yeah.,
It's not legitimate.
(Jokingly making fun of George) I've never had a really good pickle.
Or I could sleep in the park? You could knock these walls down, make it an eight room luxury suite.</font>
(indicating the woman) Game, set and match, huh Milos?
Wait. Way--way--way--way--way--way--wait! Who?!
Not exactly.
So, you've done this?
What happened to you?
Well what does this mean?
Oh, come on!
Yep.
So, you two been, uh..
I don't.
Well yes I did that's true. A couple of a guys I knew in the coastguard told me about her.... and I sensed that she had the anger and intensity that I needed to make this film work.
It's not like that at all.
Tell you what. If they win the penant I'll sit naked with you at the World Series.
A few years ago the comedy club had a softball team. Kramer was our first baseman You couldn't get anything by him It was unbelievable. Anyway this one game we came back to win from like 8 runs behind. So Kramer says to Richie why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head? The club owner. So Richie goes ahead and does it.
Great.
Is that Joe Davola?
Why? It didn't mean anything. I was just trying to join in so you wouldn't feel embarrassed.
Ah hah. (Buzzer) Excuse me one second. Yeah?
Oh, volunteer work!. See that's what I like about the holiday season. That's the true spirit of Christmas. People being helped by people other than me. That makes me feel good inside. Look at what we have here. (mail). A Christmas card from Laine. You didn't have to go to all that trouble.
Oh, this is funny? I'm being funny?
'Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his long-time *companion* seem to be inseparable...' Oh no! The Associated Press picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper! I've been 'outed'! I wasn't even 'in'!
No, no. It's the valet guy.
That doesn't work, we'll give 'em Kramer!
I really don't feel like seeing her.
They're hands!
Didn't go out of the house? Didn't take a walk... on Columbus Avenue?
Did she say why? 
Forget it. 
What do you mean she liked you? 
Yes.
Congratulations!
Oh, you know.
Was it in the trash?
(suspicious) Really?
I like that. (He opens the closet. Elaine walks out with an angry look.) What do you think, George?
Listen, George, little problem with the game.
He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says.
Yeah, yeah. Sometimes she's on time, and... sometimes she's late.
I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it. Um, I'll be right back.
What's going on here?
Who would order a license plate that says 'Assman'?
Maybe his dogs heard about how you tried to kidnap that other dog. These muts like to gossip. So have you talked too Holly?
I'm not taking a soak in that human bacteria frat you got goin' there.
Ma, I told you, just dip the bread in the batter, and put in right in the pan... Okay, bye. (Jerry hangs up; to Rava) My mother. She forgot how to make French toast. You know how mothers are.
What are ya gonna do?
(smug) I'm not engaged.
Sure.
There's more food down the hall.
Uh.. one of the three tenors.
It's somewhere in the country, they're following 'em.
Myanmar.
Pam? What about Pam?
No, I don't want to.
Is this a repeat?
You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
Now, it's time to go.
Yeah, yeah. I forgot all about it. Alright, it's no big deal. We'll just go back to your place.
Elaine, have you noticed George was acting strange the whole flight?
(Reading it) 'A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund.' - What is that?
Madeline stays here.
Yeah, I know champagne, limos, cigars. WHAT happened to the papers?
No, I'm not...
Going to the dog pound, everybody! Going to the dog pound, come on down. (To Elaine) What?
 What did you say?
Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna beat the hell out of this car.
I think you'll get it out.
And who else is on the show?
Uh, next week.
I don't know, up state, Falls, somethin'
You're going like this?
Well, it was that woman across the street. (To Jerry) You know, you better be careful, buddy. She's gonna get you next. (Walks out, shutting the door behind him) 
So have I.
No, I believe it's next week.
I don't know. (takes off his sweater) This sweater really itches me. You want it?
She is? 
...that's why men hunt and women nest.
Well, when you went for the tomatoes she lied out topless.
Big surprise.
It's almost a week.
 Oh, maybe he's got no hot water.
Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I can't ask her.
Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. It's completely shrunk. There's absolutely no way I can wear it.
We didn't bet on if you wanted to. We bet on if it would be done.
So did you describe yourself to her over the phone?
(dismissive) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
'So what did Tim say?'
I have fleas. 
(To Katie) What is the complication?
That would be an interesting sociological experiment. You know, Kramer has his father's band. He'd loan it to you.
Oh what, because I didn't call him Maestro?
(picks up the phone on the coffee table) '555-3455.' Well wait a second, don't you see that's 555-FILK.
(urgent whisper) Elaine.
You don't wanna tell me? 
Hey. You put your groceries under the hood of my car?
No.. No thanks, I'm, just not hungry.
Where did you meet this guy?
Yea, that's no good.</font>
(animated) You know what Milos, I don't even care about the money. I just feel like I was taken by the worst tennis player I...
Well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends. (George laughs hysterically and stands out of his seat)
You're moving to New York? That's fantastic. I can see you all the time now.
Hello
(giving him a steak from the fridge) Here ya go.
I can't believe this.
I think that's a 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander'.
Hey, T-bone!
What's your airport route?
No appointments at all? Because my neck is still tight. What about Thursday? And Friday? Oh boy. Okay, thanks anyway.
Really? I'll have to remember that.
What happened? The guy was like 67 years old, it was freezing out, he caught a cold, got pneumonia, and a month later he was dead.
Which flavor?
I can't live tlike this. I'm being stalked.
(Getting slightly offended) I'm not sick. (Pointing at her) You - you said much sicker things than me.
Come on up. Oh, it's Elaine, she's just a friend of mine. I don't know what she's doing here now. (Buzzer) I'm sorry. What?
I didn't even see the picture. How did it come out?
George, is this funny?
Not that there's anything wrong with that...
Oh... No, that's ridiculous.
(as George picks up a broken piece of his car) You know, a lot of these scratches will buff right out...
Hey, what about Russell? Did you hear from him?
(confused) What?!
(Gets up, and displays his own hands) Well, what about my hands? I don't see how your hands are any better than my hands.
Well, your day's getting more interesting already. (Jerry shows the phone) Ah, see, told me they'd be back in a minute and THEY lied.
But that's your routine. 
All right. 
I may have mentioned it.
Now, what is it that you do, exactly?
Here, what is that?!!
Then it was trash.
Oh, My god.
You look like something's on your mind.
I'm takin' it, I'm takin' the place. I'm gonna take it, this is gonna be my new place. I'm livin' here...I'm movin'.
The thing is, yesterday, I kind of.. uh..
It appears that way.
(suspicious) Well, then what're you doing?
It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
Did she mention anything about our lunch?
My mom's down in Florida. She's got uh one of those condos. Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there?
Yeah, this quite a life I lead here, huh?
Got what?
(about the cable guy) Nice people.
(opening the door) Well, it was nice meeting you.
Oh, hi.
Uh.. It's not Poverotti.. It's not Domingo..
I don't know. They're tailing him. I'm waiting for them to call me back.
You what?
Sorry.
Louise! That's what's doin' it. You're no longer pre-occupied with sex, so your mind is able to focus.
How could you swim in that water?
You want to get a bite?
(Pulls a small bottle out of his pocket) Uh-huh. Hey, look what they had on the plane. Schnapps.
(Continuing reading) 'The Human Fund. Money for people.'
Excuse me... we've been waiting here. Now, I KNOW we were ahead of that guy, he just came in.
What's with you?
I cannot take it!
What am I supposed to do? I don't want to do it. I like dogs. I'm not sure this is a dog.
It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. All I have to do is walk into a department store and it's like some kind of horse laxative just kicked in.
 What?
Hey, let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out?
She's got a fine cheek.
Oh, see the baby again with the baby..
(pointing) There's George!
Now he's a character. (Pause) So everybody I know is a character on the show.
Oh.
Huh?
I thought you said people dress up when they go to the opera!
Anyway, touching two breasts doesn't make you an expert.
No I'm not...
Everything all right?
Alright, that's very good. Thank you.
Here we go.
Yea, ya, so...anyway what was I talking about.
No.
You're not very bright, are you?
C'mon, put the top up, it's November!
 Are you through?
Yeah.
Because it's complicated. There's some tension there.
What's the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?!
No, I'm fine.
Well, of course it could be done! Anything could be done! But it only is done if it's done! Show me the levels! The bet is the levels!
What did you say to her?
'Looks like he gave you some Novocaine'
I don't know...But every one's got to clear out of the apartment for two days. I don't know what I'm gonna do with my parents. they'll never let me pay for a hotel and if they go to someplace on their own I'm sure it's gonna be some awful dump. Wait a second.. Have you checked in The Plaza yet? 
Yes?
Ya know I feel a little funny calling somebody Maestro.
Filk's nothing, but 555-FILM is Movie Phone.
I was just in the bathroom.
What? In his drink? Are you outta your mind? What are you Peter Lorre? 
(to self) Oh. Twist off..
Kramer. (boom sound)
Oh, this is awful.
How you gonna do that?</font>
Hello?
(doubtful) Yeah, you'll make it up to me.
Hey--hey--hey--wait, wait, wait, wait! What happened!
I think we've worked out a system.
You know uh, Valerie, I uh, couldn't help but notice that I'm on your speed-dial.
What is it she think you can't do?
Hi!
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (pauses) So, what's going on?
What?
Kramer there's no way you stick to this.
(picking up the phone and dialing) It's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on it. Hi Sophie, it's me.
(To himself) I don't believe this! (Walks over to a security guard) Excuse me, I wonder if you could do me a favor? My uncle's having a little problem with shoplifting..
No T-bone?
What's that?
..What about the Van Wyck?
Is that relevant? She TOOK them. Call her office.
Yes, and I returned it in 1971.
Hey, if you enjoy being with him, that's what's important.
All the comedians were happy. He was one of these club owners nobodu liked anyway. But Richie was never the same.
Cops eating Milanos. What crazy town is this?
You think we can do it?
I really think you're making too much of this.
Ugh. So you were saying there was this problem.
Oh yeah. Look at that. Looks good. Kramer did a good job.
So what?
'Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor *pad*, Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of *fruit* like an old married couple--' *I told you that pear was washed*!
Suicide, maybe, not lesbianism.
Strange. Even not showing up at the taping...
You faked it? Why would you do that?
Well, that's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life.
No you can't. (hangs up the phone) Now let's cut the ball, sister! You think I don't know about you swapping spit with somebody yesterday on Columbus Avenue?
You picked up on a vibe, from a nun. 
Yes I know that.
Like what?
Wha--you have a low sperm count?
But it was in the cylinder!
It's a movie stub from the 9:30 show. George, I think Willie the dry-cleaner has been wearing my clothes.
So, that's your poker face.
I gave your ticket to Horneck.
Yup.
What for?
Yeah. Proctologist.
'I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.'
What do you mean, 'kind of.'?
Why'd you have to mention 'unlisted number'?
Listen, uh I just remembered... I'm... uh, getting a facial.
(taking them) Well, what's this for?
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want.
Well, what about Susan?
Ah, I think I'll go.
(Nodding) Yeah, the other guy.
And your crab legs, and a thing of cheese. The Triple-A guy said I was this close to sucking a muffin down the carburetor. What were you thinking?
Yeah!!!
Is that right?
Oh, where you going? The coffee shop?
Yeah. I mean, let's say this is your brain. (Holds lettuce head) Okay, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here (Pulls off tiny piece of lettuce), and the part obsessed with sex. (Shows large piece) Now granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence. (Eats tiny piece of lettuce)
Tennis, anyone?
Swimming?
Someone's cooking.
Well, so what should we do?
It has a certain understated stupidity.
(out of window) George, the buzzer's broken! I'll come down!
Yes, A...?
Are you sure?
I'm in the book and I have a machine.
I know.
 I long for you?
You know I don't get that whole suicide machine. There's no tall buildings where these people live? They can't wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?
A pinkish hue?
Uh, he's this guy who used to live in the building and they keep calling us to see the baby.
And it's about nothing?
All right. Look. Now, you promised you're gonna be a little more flexible on the nothing idea, okay? Jsut a little.
I don't know. They're, backed up.
Well what about me! If you're going like that, I?m not going like this.
Aw, what are you doin' to me? (puts his head down on the counter.)
Well I'll tell you this, you can forget about me going to that bachelor auction. 
I'm swamped.
Hey, what's the deal? What was goin' on there? I invite you down here, I have an important show, and she heckles me?!
Yeah.
Why don't you rent the movie?
Let's check out the glove box. (Opens the glove compartment, takes out a pencil.) Ah. Pencil.
 The wedding is off?  What happened?
This is a person I like, it's not 'How to score on spring break'.
I can't find the receipt.
Yeah, I know.
That's the bet! (The phone rings; Jerry answers it.) Hello?... No- oh, hi... (Kramer leaves) no, they just left... Oh, my God... hang on a second. Maybe I can still catch 'em. (Jerry goes over to the window and opens it; calling out the window) Ma! Ma! Up here! Don't get in the cab! Manya died! Manya died!!
I don't know.
'So what about the Penthouse. Did you ask him?'
Come on,c'mon 
What?
Because it's a stupid thing to be called.
Yes, so people are just dialing it by mistake and getting you.
Oh my God, Kramer, is that woman just wearing a bra?
No, no, no. I was just in the bathroom with that Bob guy.
What if you destroy him? 
Last check-in, they were still on him.
I can get it. (feeling his face)
I don't believe this. (They run into theater)
Did you follow the recipe?
I'm not having money problems.
No, this is very advanced. We've designed at set of rules that we can maintain the friendship by avoiding all of the relationship pitfalls.
What's with the signs?
How you doing?
But I can't help thinking that maybe there's someone in your life who deserves it more. Someone you've known, you know, more than a week.
How did you do those things?
No rush.
So, are you going to leave?
(closing the door on him) Oh!
Oh! you just startin' now?
(putting on his coat to go downstairs, he finds the key in his coat pocket) I believe this belongs to you.
(to George) She thinks it's someone named Raef.
(Pointing) He's over there in the overcoat. If you could just kind of put a scare into him.. You know, set him straight..
No! There's no T-bone!
Ok!
Oooh.
What? What?
Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.
He's the same!
(imitates) Ya' gotta see the babi - When are ya' gonna see the babi... Can't they just send us a tape?
I think that's a 5-19.
Oh, great. Ok we'll goin' away. I think I'm excited.
Let me walk you to a cab.
Snapple?
... um ...
(subdued, almost somber) Hello. Welcome back.
Here we go...
Well, well, well.
Yeah, but why would you... (Kramer is eating a peach then disgusted he spits it out) Bad peach?
It's just like in the movies.
Look, my friend saw you.
Yea alright. 
Why, you don't think it's a good job?
Really! Socks!
That's how waitress types express derision. They don't want to get their mouths dirty.
Nnnoo--I don't want 'em. (starts backing away as Kramer follows him around the room carrying the underwear)
Adjacent to refuse, is refuse.
Why didn't you just ask her for it?
No it isn't. I've seen your regular face. That is not it.
You like the couch? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I had to give it to Horneck.
(accusingly) You're looking for a picture of me, aren't you?
Big matzoh ball.
What are you saying? . . . Salad! What was I thinking? Women don't respect salad eaters.
Alright, I gotta tell you something, but you cannot tell Susan.
So what?
Would you tell Susan about it?
Why?
Now I gotta take the car down to Tony and get it checked out.
Uh! Really .That's nice.
What does that mean?
You look like you could use a...
Well--wait--wait--wait--wait! What do you mean 'involved'?!
Hello, Newman.
Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red shirt!
..Yeah.
Well Lisi, that was another-
Yes, a man gave you...?
O.K. Thank you very much. Thank you. Gee, boy!
Really? How late are they open?
No I can't.
Alright, are we ready? Come on, let's get this show on the road.
 It's okay, that's not bad.
Well that's what's important.
Are you sure you want me John. I have spoken to Richie in two years. I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational. All right All right. Goodbye. [to Kramer] Remember Ricie Appel?
Well, I went with her to the hospital last night.
There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows, women kill to have her eyebrows.
So you're saying, I go in to NBC, and tell them I got this idea for a show about nothing.
Where'd I take it?
Why should I be uncomfortable just because my apartment is closer to town hall than yours?
There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a 'Smell Gestapo'. To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush...
Yeah. (disappointed) 
Maybe I'll try and catch up with you.
Well, what is the matter with her? Is she crazy?!
With Jon Voight's teeth marks. (Looks at the owner's manual.) Owner's manual...you know what? This car was owned by Jon Voight.
Yeah, okay. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I forgot to clean the bathroom.
Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt- look at it! It's a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?!
Yeah.
Uncle Leo.
As you see it?
'Adults only?'
c'mon ,c'mon.... 
Oh conductor. He conducts the Policeman's Benevolent Association Orchestra.
You're Filk.
No, I don't eat dinner. Dinner's for suckers.
Kramer!!! (Jerry points to the lamp post they are about to crash into)
Sort of a mooching inventory.
No, I kinda tried to test his hearing.
Well, wha - what does that do? Big deal. 
No, they won't call the police.
It tastes like dirt.
What is goin' on in there?
Okay. No calls the next day.
Yeah, that stuff's all natural anyway.
What? No.
Hey, what were you doing with that bus yesterday?
(to himself) I have absolutely no idea.
I thought you're like Hitler in the bunker?
(opens the door for George) Where did you get that?
(into the phone, with a disguised voice) So, what's going on?
'51-50'? That - that's just a scare, right?
Why no T-bone?
You still using that old alarm clock?
This is no good. This is no good. Call her house.
What?
I try.
uh uh because then it would be all grown up.
She likes him I mean she really likes him.
Kirk Douglas. Now there's another very bad driver. But he's such an unbelievable guy, that when he hits someone, he doesn't even leave a note. He sits in his car and waits for the other person to show up so he can exchange license, registration, and apologize.
They're busting this guy.
I mean, the main thing is that this is just between us, and that'll be the end of it.
Go on.
Did you look at look at this picture carefully?
It's not true!
Did you get that at Joe's?
Hey.
You tell me.
Oh hi. 
Oh it's a fascinating field!
No, never.
Hey, maybe you can pick me up some underwear! (Kramer enters.)
Look! I don't want 'em!
Oh...well...
Was it eaten?
Yeah
 I can't call Tim Whatley and ask for the tickets back.
All right George, c'mon, what d'you got? (sits opposite George)
Oh yeah, she's great.
You're movin' in, you're a good friend, I wanna start you off on the right foot. Give me...a hundred and fifty dollars. (Elaine is shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall.) Get it outta here right now, take it out the door, I don't even wanna see it, go, get it out.
C'mon, c'mon, go ahead, move up.
I told you, forget it.
I didn't care.
Those damn 'I love you' returns.
But you're going over there for dinner tonight, right?
...Alright, you're locked up in a prison in Turkey, I have your wallet. The only way I can bribe the guards to get you out is for you to give me your ATM code.
Uh huh... Yeah... Okay, thanks anyway... Bye.
Well, if you can't tell Susan about it, then there's something wrong.
Actually, I'm drunk.
Why not?
Well, what about the ponytail?
Yeah, he's real good. But he's so obsessive about the car. He makes me feel guilty about every little thing that's wrong with it. I gotta get it washed before I bring it down to him, or I'm afraid he'll yell at me.
I think I'm in love.
Sammy Davis had it.
What about her name?
I don't want to.
I'm not calling Ed Roydlick. I'm doing fine!
(defensive) He egged me on.
Whatley. (Like 'Newman')
..except that the dude plays the showroom and I'm stuck doing food and beveridged!
(cutting in) I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman.
You're wearing the chocolate shirt!
(sound of gunfire) Pkew, pkew, pkew, pkew, Pkeeew!
Oh. That wasn't really necessary. I don't ride it. It's just for show.
How was your first day?
Didja leave a message?
Really bad meal. I was thinking maybe we should--
So?
You think I'm too cautious?
 Really?
How many times you been out with him?
Kramer. Yeah that'll do.
Right, we'll John Mollika is organizing some kind of intervention for him. We're having it here.
So we're in the room and she's trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.
I don't think you'll throw up. *She* likes to throw up.
'We'? Since when are you a writer?
Where did I take it? Where Did I Take It? (stabbing a knife into a cutting board)  Umm, to that place on, uh Columbus and 85th. Okay?
Ohh.
All right, all right, I?ll wear this. It's bad enough I?ve got to go to the opera I?ve got to sit next to ozzie nelson over here.
Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.
Lemme see if I understand this... On second thought...
No. The sex was fabulous. 
I can't beleive your father owns this place. So how are the desserts here? 
Hey! What is wrong with you?!
So it's all over?
Except Jon is spelled with an H. J-O-H-N.
Now, how could that be good?
What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money? In fact, forget the money. I don't even want the money. I just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want an admission of guilt.
(belated) Good night.
I don't know. He said he'd call back.
Did you tell her about, uh, your little hat there?
'What the hell's going on over there?'
c'mon, c'mon.... 
I'll tell you where I'd like to stick it.
Boys, boys.
Well he sure worked pretty fast with Elaine.
Nope, the cop says it's my word against his. There's nothing they can do.
Aw, c'mon Kramer, this is ridiculous. I'm not gonna put these on.
Alright.
Well, I kinda snuck up behind him at the urinal and tried to see if he could hear me.
You've really gone mental. 
I was got to be 55.
They're afraid they'll get in trouble for misusing a mail truck. Kramer doesn't want a record.
Kramer, you can't talk to Frank.
Why?
You ready for the second one?
Hey. So, keys?
Yikes!
'The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour'. I'm confused.
I'm getting a little uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff. (his other line beeps) I'm getting another call, see ya...(answers call) Hello!
Coach to India - The only way to go.
(barring the way) I'm sorry. I-I don't know you.
What's that on your forehead?
Flying doesn't make me nervous - driving to the airport can make you very nervous because when you're flying, when you're getting on the plane, if you miss that plane, there's no alternative. On the ground, you have options. You have buses, you have taxis, you have trains. But, when you're taking a flight, if you miss it, that's it. No airline goes, 'Well, you missed the flight, we do have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. Would you be interested in that? It's not a direct cannon, you have to change cannons after you land.' (Imitates cannon operator) 'I'm sorry, where you goin'? Chicago? (Cranks the cannon) Oh, Dallas? Alright, wait a second.. (Cranks cannon to Dallas) Dallas. That's about Dallas. Texas, anyway. You should hit Texas. Are you ready? Make sure you get out of the net immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you.'
Not good.
No, I don't.
Shouldn't a doctor do it?
Hey Kramer what do you think of this shirt?
Who wouldn't like him? I like him. And I'm a guy.
The question is, did you allow a space for the husband to come in with his 'God bless you'? Because as the husband, he has the right to first refusal.
I can't believe this.
(Calling after her) I mean, people - they're not interested in things like this. They don't want to hear about it. They really don't.
Would you turn that down! What is that crap!
Yes.
Because I'm not sure and and and correct me if I'm wrong but I think I see ... a nipple.
So are you...
Here he is... that's the guy! (rolls up window) No, thank you, go back... go back... I'll park it! You go back!
That's surprising, his fruit is usually the best.
There isn't?
(weakly) A little better. (fake cough) 
..so uh she's just sitting there and a uh Packyderm, you remember the derm. He says uh, I'm gonna go up to her. So we uh he uh picks up the two pieces of (wipes his brow) pizza and uh the uh and then they're steaming hot and they're burning his hands see so he... he's juggling em (does juggling motions) he's jugglin em, jus throwing them up in the air and just as he gets up to her down they go. (Swallows and takes a breath) Well we all just lost it. (Fulton not laughing, stone faced) It was really really funny.
Listen...tonight, after we finish eating, you make like you got something else to do and just 'recede into the night,' if you know what I mean.
I'm not gonna be able to sleep if those are in the house!
Well, that's garbage.
C'mon up.
 Are you even vaguely familiar with the concept of giving?  There's no grace period.
What you got, a pair of bullets?
Well, it's a tough thing to talk about uh. I dunno...
Yeah!
You didn't see him. It was horrible.
You're robbing me.
Hey, David.
He can't just throw me off the plane!
Oh, you don't know.
What is she making?
They're closed.
I guess I have to bring his car back up to the stadium, if it can make it.
Hey, cable guy's looking for you.
Hey, you look awful.
No, thank you.
No it's true. This woman saved my life. I was crossing the street .I was almost hit by a car...and then we talked and.......the whole thing just seemed like a dream.
She's got really nice hair.
Okay. (closes eyes, blows on her finger, opens eyes, says to self) Didn't come true.
You are NOT sending me fifty dollars!
Can you believe that?
He's eighty!
It's Kramer.
No, he's up on the roof getting some sun with the butter (pauses) Oh no!
A - Ha! Nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning..
I'm sorry. Got any booze? What's say you and I get ripped!
Please don't crouch.
Your hands were in the dough?
So, uh, how are things with Jerry?
Call it a night. I'll walk you home. Where do you live?
He was what?!
Organic. So's Buddy Hackett.
 Oh, come on.
Face to face.
What do you think? It's like a poker game?
Nothing.
Did you bring the keys?
You want to go with me to NBC?
Yeah.
OK.
So, we're.. uhh, drinkin' and talkin', and uhh, so, she starts rubbing my leg.
Hey Doc, check this out. [does an around-the-world with the Yo-Yo]
All right. Come on sit down. It's about to start.
I want the massage! 
You've tasted them? 
Y-You boo me?! You hiss?! You didn't stop blathering throughout the whole set!
And what did you go back for? Jujyfruit?
Doesn't Jon Voight spell his name J-O-N?
So when do you have to get the racquet back to Mr. Pitt?
This is how you operate?
No! Dry-cleaned.
Hey.
You know, you're little hair hat there.
'You find you need to use a lot of obscenities at the dentist.
Yes!!! 
New shirt?
Yeah, right.
Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike.
Well, he flinched, sort of.
Of course he did ..The guy's working ya.
Where are you gonna get this mickey? I can't believe I'm saying 'mickey'! 
A lot faster than that!
Not a Federal record.
It doesn't?
Spending the night. Optional.
I guess they leave that up to the general population.
(on phone) hello.
Nobody wants to go on a three hour bus tour of a totally unknown person's life.
(looking shocked) Really? When?
Aah!
You all right?
Where do I know her?
There's been some robberies in the building. I-I can't let you in.
(To Guard) I just wanted you to scare him.
Hey, is that one of those laser pointers?
Not good
Thanks again.
Certainly not.
Forget that. He's a ball player. MVP< 1979. I'm making wise cracks in some night club. This guy was in game six. They're a perfect match. They like go together. They're like one of these brother and sister couples that look alike.
Come on up.
Hi, I'm Jerry.
Oh beautiful. Listen, we've got a little problem here, we've got two extra tickets.
Yeah.
Oh my... that *is* refreshing...
Here. Take a look. What, what is that?
Well thank you very much, it's about time.
I mean the car *stinks*! George, does the car stink?
You're returning used fruit?
Oh... all right... wanna get some pizza?
Okay.
yeah yeah what is it with you and Tony? what are you? it's like his sidekick now? 
Hey Phil how you doing?
Ok buh bye. Have a good time.
What?
Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides Man and Bum. You are now a Bum.
 Possibly.
Two pair? Three of a kind?
You don't know what it was.
Okay, you tell me. What is it worth?
I had to do it.
What?
Yes!!! 
Hey, what's the story? I hear you're doing my move.
But I'm not a disturbance!
Unless you're married.
Oh, don't worry. I'll be there and I'll be packing an artery.
Bomb threat.
He was starin' at some woman!
Yeah.
Problem in the bedroom?
Yeah. So, anyway, the engine's been idling a little rough. I thought it might be time for a check up...
Kramer?
No, no this woman is different , she's incredible. she's just like me. She talks like me, she acts like me. She even ordered cereal at a restaurant. We even have the same initials. Wait a minute, I just realised what's going on.
You've got really specific tastes.
You know, if this tenant board is so impressed with suffering, maybe you should tell them the 'Astonishing Tales of Costanza'.
I swear to God, if you send me fifty dollars, you are gonna be so sorry!
George says hi.
What are you gonna do? Badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower?! What are you, gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda?
All right.
Oh, that's bad. Especially that area.
Right, right, the tractor story.
Riverside Park.
That's a massage.
Yeah, I really think you guys are good together.
He's a comedian.
Thank you Babu. You have quite a flair. You are quite the restaurateur I must say.
 George, you're thinking too much.
If it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex.
Yeah
I didn't know what the coma etiquette was.
This could be an emergency!
What do we got?
No, Kramer, I don't want you to say anything to him.
(Sarcastic) Have you ever told a woman to stop touching your leg?
I *just* learned that.  (proudly holding the Yo-Yo)
I tried putting her hands there (on his neck) but she pulls it away immediately, she's not into it. 
Oh I see they have apple pie. 
No! Not part of the show! Booing and hissing are not part of the show! You boo puppets! You hiss villains in silent movies!
Think of me as a doctor. (They go outside again)
Why didn't you eat it in the cab?
And Kramer thinks a penalty stroke may have driven him to it.
Okay, sixty bucks from Nana.
(re the underwear pile) Well, I'm gonna have to move now.
Hey!
Nothing. I'm sure 'Jon' probably mispelled his own name. I know sometimes I spell Jerry with a G...and an I! (Laughs uproariously.)
He needs a three hundred-dollar Bruline to beat Ethyl Kennedy?
Let me just wipe the sink.
You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it!
I'm just a regular person.
What? (to George) What did, what did you say?
Don't you think she could tell?
'Hey! Hey! Watch it.!... You're drooling all over the floor. How much Novocaine did that guy give you.'
So you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit it.
No, not particularly.
Jean-Paul, I asked you down here this morning because I'm concerned. Concerned that tomorrow is perhaps the biggest race of your entire career. And the person with whom you have chosen to stay... is uh...
Do you realize how crazy he had to be to do something like this? He knew I was gonna know it's missing, and he took it! And of all things to take! I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. He's crazy.
Well, he kinda moved his head, you know. It mighta been on the zip up, I dunno.
Have you slept with him yet?
You got a mickey source? 
Okay dokey
There's really nothing wrong on the inside.
What's going on?
Hey 
All right.
What--of course, without Reggie Miller, it's a blowout!
No, that's the rule. It's optional.
Hard to say.
Who is this?
No, I don't.
I can see that! What happened?
Ohh, will not 'cause drowsiness'
(Joking around) Hey, didn't I beat you up in the fourth grade?
Happy Festivus!
Because you threw it out.
Heeeeyyyy... How you doin'?
(Unsure of what to say - he remember's Leo's courtesy tip) Hello?
I can see that. What's it for?
Great job.
I know he's just a guy but .. I LIKE him.
You know I know this sounds a little arrogant but I never thought she would find anyone she would like better than me. Ya know, I guess I had my chance and that's that.
No argument. Unless, she's one of these multiple sneezers, and he's holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes the series.
Yeah, under the counter. What happened?
Well Susan isn't going and Elaine just left me a message her friend isn't going either.
Sounds lovely! [To Tia, motioning to put them on her] May I?
That's what I thought.
Drop the case? Well, congratulations, that'll save you some money.
C'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter...
Stinks!
A wallet? Let me see that.
(Explaining) George has become a hand model.
Why?
So she sees you with hot fudge on your face and she ends it? You really think she would be that superficial? 
All right.
cool guy? what are you, in 8th grade? 
I got my health.
I'm not going to 'defile' her!
 You may have a point.
Oh my God, you got a flush! You're holding a flush!
Well, we fight a lot for some reason.
Yeah?
Uh-huh.
You don't think... What? The pony remark?
What move? *My* move. The one I told you about. You used it on Elaine.
But someone is waiting for me!
No, people hate that.
Midnight Express, my friend.
Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the best in the city.
Well, said he was waiting about two hours. Seemed a little put out.
Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night?
Now I know what I've been looking for all these years......myself! (Kramer is speechless) I've been waiting for me to come along and now I 've swept myself off my feet.
She's got nice calves.
Yeah, it was alright.
I mean, your body of work in this field is unparalleled.
Uhh...
(shakes his head) I'm very sorry. (closing the door on Phil. Jerry smiles and shrugs apologetically as Phil stares at them through the glass)
I sound funny?
Back to my place. That's right.
Yes.
See ya around maroon Golf. And, by the way, that was an 'I'm not sorry' wave.
You took your pants off?
All right. All right.
Oh, please...
Yeah, but John invited her.
So you're saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, it's all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim.
I tried to give 'em back, he wouldn't take 'em. (Jerry and George go out into the hallway to Kramer's apartment.)
What idea?
I'd like to follow the regular procedures. I don't want any special treatment.
I mean, I know it's the wrong thing to do. She works in Elaine's office. I know it's wrong - but I can't get that hand off my leg. I mean, I'm looking at the hand, and I'm thinking, 'That hand should not be on my leg.' But I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words, 'Would you mind?!'
Hi, um. Marla, Elaine.
I guess 'cause it's her job. It's very frustrating. 
Uh, Winona, it's Jerry Seinfeld. 
You've had the apple pie? 
Ok.
Oh, I can take it.
Well what'd you mean?
Ah, no , I don't think so.
What's with you?
What?
Well, why don't you wait 'til she's not there on her lunch hour and just take it?
Do you want to go with him? You go. I don't mind.
I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry cleaner, 'Well, it's ruined.' And of course, the dry cleaner can respond, 'It's not our fault. We're not responsible. We just ruin the clothes. That ends our legal obligation.' You see, the whole problem with dry cleaning is that we all believe that this is actually possible. Th-Right? They're cleaning our clothes, but they're not getting anything wet. It's all dry. I know there's gotta be some liquids back there, some fluids that they're using. There's no such thing as dry cleaning. When you get something on your shirt, ever get something on your shirt and try to get it off like that (Jerry brushes off his shirt.) That's dry cleaning. I don't think that's what they're doing back there. They don't have eighty guys going, 'Come on, hurry up! There's a lot of shirts today!'
Are you kidding? I could spot that bird's nest two blocks away.
I dunno , I'm gonna ask Shelley ,but she still might be upset from the masticated pecan incident. 
What?
Another Caf&eacute; Latte?
Yeah.
I'm saying 'get the hell outta there'! Let me put you in a hotel. You'll be comfortable, you'll be near the starting line, and most importantly... you'll have a wake-up call, Jean-Paul! A wake-up call!
There was this beautiful woman walking down the street wearing *just* a bra.  I can't get that image out of my mind.
Actually, no.
It's been known to happen....... telling you right now Elaine, this guy 's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.
Elaine? How did you rope her into this? 
Absolutely. Nikki!
No, I hadn't noticed.
He went to get some steak sauce. Why? 
Ma! Ma! MAAA! (Hangs up the phone in disgust.) Oh, ahhhh (sighs quietly)
On what?!
I think you're wrong.
(smiling) Alright. Seven-thirty, got the place to myself.
Why don't you just come over?
I'll remember that.
But this is what you've always wanted.
When George was growing up..
But you did actually throw his coat out the window.
Good, good, good... What's goin' on?
Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just wanted the guard to scare him straight.
Yeah (to buzzer)
What he gave it to me.
Well I was just trying to be supportive, you know. I knew you were upset.
Let's put him over here.
(walking up)  Pendant?  Those bastards.
What is going on out there?
Uh, Keith uh Hernandez.
Really?
What if she's having an off night?
(bending down to pick up the chips) Tell me what happened.
Nothing.
Why, It's a perfect fit. You must be Cinderella.
DIDN'T YOU LOOK AT THE PICTURE?
(leafing through his mail) Oh great, a birth announcement from Arnie and Joy Harris.
Oh, my God! [takes the phone] Ma?
They really should mention that in the breakdown: height, weight, goiter.
Hey, I've never smelled in my *life*, buddy!
Ah, man! It's my father's wallet! The one he thought they stole at the doctor's office that time.
Yes.
No, no, there's no side!
Hello... Oh hi dad... You saw him?... Really with the ice cream?... All right I'll talk to you later, bye. 
Bye.
See you later.
(wiping his brow) He could use a couple laughs.
Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?
Played cards last night.
But -
We should get him something.
 Alright, I'll call him.
A full house? You got a full house? Turn 'em over George, I wanna see 'em. Come on, I'm calling! (thumps hand on table) What d'you got!
And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry.
Come on up. (Jerry presses the second button and opens the apartment door. He walks back to the couch.) Oh, all right, forget it, I'm gonna take it with me now... (He picks up the cushions.) I'm just gonna pack up the cushions right now...
Bless you.
That is out there.
You don't think that I killed her?
Would you excuse me a minute? I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
Well, so what if I said that?
The ending is the whole thing. Without the ending, it's nothing. You had *nothing*.
I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!
Ideally.
You don't seem too bothered by it.
I thought you didn't want the doormat.
(interrupts)like a shark fisherman with a bucket of (?) Ch....
No, she's not.
Maybe I could, you're making some pretty good points.
No. No, no way, no Bania.
You're the man!
Look, please stop! Let me help you with that!
Great, you're lonely and miserable again. (presses button to call elevator)
Yeah I better get to a doctor, bye. (Hangs up) That was close! What drives me to take chances like that?
She lives right off Riverside Park. I was scared of the Lopper, So I let her stay over.
No.
I'm glad I cut you off, because black Saab rules! So long, jackass!
Oh.
I can manage.
I tried to stop him. I couldn't. He just wants to make people happy.
No, intervene, go intervene all you want. I am just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening.
So if the coma victim wakes up in a month, he's thrilled, he got out of the coma. He goes home, there's nothing left?
I think it's tamber.
They lost.
I still don't know what the idea is.
I don't know, they're working on a whole other level..
Oh, thanks a lot, two weeks late. Now that costs me thirty-five dollars to see Havana.
Hear that? Guess who's back. (Opening the door) Hey!
Yeah. 
Uhm, listen, I really felt bad about what happened, and I, I, I'd really like to apologise. Can I come up? 
That's the last babka. They got the last babka.
Audrey, I got to be honest with you. I'm a very curious guy. It's my nature. I need to know things. Not tasting the apple pie the other day, I can't get past it. You obviously like pies. You carry doughnuts in your bag, you're not averse to pastry. Surely you could see how such a thing would prey on my mind. 
Hello.
I don't know.
They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
We don't need a bunch of people staring at us.
What stone?
Oh, look! There's Gregory Peck's bicycle!
Stealing? You loaned her the racquet!
Have you noticed people staring at your head?
(removing his coat) So? Are you sure Wendy's coming?
Yeah.. When he's dead he'll be relieved... Oh by the way Viking Press sent a Fedex for you to my parents. They brought it with 'em. 
Yeah, it's burning my retina. Susan picked that out for you right?
These people never fail. They sit in a room with a big clock all night long, just waitin' to make that call! (George comes in)
Yes, hi, Mr. Peterman. This is, uh, George Costanza.
What?
The exact same outfit.
Right.
She knew that. 
Would you mind bringing the officer the registration?
Have I been picking at it? No. You know. It's just wear and tear.
Then it does exist.
Hello 
(He thinks this, the audience can hear his thoughts) And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.
Good.
Yeah, all right.
Is this yours or the roommate's?
Yeah?
Ah, you must be Kramer's guys. (indicating) Come on in. You got the cigars?
He's looking on to fridgerator.
Hey! So, where's my money?
(Knocking on Kramer's door) Anytown, U.S.A. Hello? Is Kramer home? Oh, hey.
What?
Aw, that's kind of sweet.
His father..
But that's you.
Oh, you know, working around, same stuff, doing... whatever.
(Scoffing) Prison. I'm sure it's just a fine.
Elaine?!
Come on up.
 Listen, George is going home with this Ava from his office
I don't know ... six three.
(checking his watch) I don't think we're gonna make the tip off.
Hi.
He is?
Kramer?
Ma!
Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice disposition than the nut they sent me to.
That's from the car!
How do you like that?
No, no, no ugly side.
Yeah. 
Hey
She's subletting Carol's place for a month. 
I told it. (Answers the buzzer) Ya?
Broke even.
But wait a minute...
So you just pretended it didn't bother you?
 Oh, it's Risk, it's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives. (Picks up phone and dials)  Hello Tim? Yeah, hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld, remember those tickets I gave you?  Well it turns out I can use them.  Oh, you do?  I understand.  Okay.  Bye.  He already made plans, he can't change them.
Oh, she is, she absolutely is.
(continuing unphased) You wanna get the other end, 'cause I wanna get it in the hall.
No, supermarket.
It was just an innocent comment! I didn't know she had a pony!
No, I had to tell my friends ' my friends didn't have to tell you.
Swirl.
Which one do you think I want?
Hey, baby. I set the trends. Who do you think started this whole Caf&eacute; Latte?
Boy, I've never seen you like this.
Sally? (Getting upset) Wait, wait a minute - She's coming to New York?
Come in.
(continues)Like a shrimp farmer....
I'll tell you, that There for you crap was a stroke of genius.
But I might.
Have you seen his act? He's got a twelve-minute bit about Ovaltine. He's a punk, a patsy, a hack.
I'm with people, I'll be with you in a moment. (Slams the door on Newman's face. Then tries to delay talking to Newman by keeping the conversation with George going) So, you want a protein shake, or something?
So Whatley sayd to me, 'Hey, I can make Catholic jokes, I used to be Catholic.'
(leaving the room) I can't. I can't look anymore. I-I-I've seen too much.
Is that guy still there? (They are side-on to Phil who is in the background, still pressed against the glass, aghast)
She said there's some tractor story that she hasn't told me about.
Well, I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of--
Really?
He offered it to me.
What are you doing?
Eat something! Babu...
Stop smelling your arm.
I didn't notice the voice.
Hot out.
Right.
Be right back. (follows Kramer out)
So we go back to my apartment..
I thought you weren't coming back till Monday.
Yeah. 
That was our babka.
(like a frustrated child) Why can't I know? 
What are you doing here?
Maybe he was just trying to be nice.
(looking of into the distance) I guess that's true...
Oh, they're staring. They know we're on a date. They're making fun. Come on. It's embarrassing.
What is that, anyway?
And Barbara Mandrell's skateboard!
No, I do not like the bank. I've heard the expression 'Laughing all the way to the bank.' I have never seen anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate it when there's nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, it's empty and you still have to go through the little maze. (walking on the stage like he is going through a maze) 'Can you get a little piece of cheese for me? I'm almost at the front. I'd like a reward for this please.'
Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?
Well I think you should either take it off or tell her about it.
Well, this'll be a very interesting experiment to see if Kramer says something. You sure you wanna go through with this?
Hey, hey. I understand. You're businessmen.
I don't recall you drinking Caf&eacute; Latte.
(Reaches for a menu) All right what's it going to be here.
Yeah!
Three.
What is the point of all this? 
The engine is really the only thing that needs checking.
So when are you goin' out with this girl again?
Hello Leo. You don't have to yell. 
I thought you were going out with Celia?
(not) Oh. Too Bad.
Would she mind?
If you guys wouldn't mind, I would like to ward off dementia.
Kramer said I was supposed to bring him back some Cubans.
Why don't you just have him paged?
I can't do this.
Oh yeah, hold on.
Boy, those azaleas are really coming in nicely.
Oh, no. George, please. What are you going to do?
Uhn-uh-uhn - Uhn-uh-uhn - - veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer... A-Ha ha! Mission accomplished! Back to base, Joe. (singing) dee, de-de, de-de-de-de-de (Makes G.I. Joe swim off, legs kicking)
You just asked me two minutes ago.
I know, I know... Well, you know.
(Not believeing it) Prior convictions? Leo?
wouldn't it be invisible? I mean, what, are you going to just sense it's in front of the couch?
No way I'm payin' that! I returned that book in 1971. I have a witness Sherry Becker. She wore an orange dress. She gave me a piece of black jack gum. It's a licorice gum. What do ya' think of next I remember it. (thinks out loud, opens phone book) Becker, ... Becker, ...
Okay, okay. I'll be right back.
 Uh, no, he's taking the car.
So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than say, Thomas Edison, Magellan, these types of people.
A gun?!
Hello, Newman.
There's no watch ... I threw it in the garbage can on the street. It didn't keep good time. My parents gave it to me, but I didn't like it.  So don't mention it again, okay!
Why?
Yeah but there's a problem. I found a tube of a fungicide in her medicine cabinet. 
Ya. (hits the button, opens the door. To Elaine) Hey you know what as I was leaving I bumped into Phil Titola. He is one of the greatest guys.
Yeah, I know; like yesterday I lost a job, and then I got another one, and then I missed a TV show, and later on they re-ran it. And then today I missed a train, went outside and caught a bus. It never fails! I always even out!
Hello. No she's not here. Yes I will tell her. No I don't know what time she might be coming back. Look I gotta' go. Goodbye. . . . That, that's a long story.
Boy, It's the way they just slip it in there too.
 Thanks.
No, it's not that. It wasn't all one-sided.
Fifty dollars?
It's uh okay.
The whole thing was taking out of context. It was a joke. (The phone rings.) That's probably Uncle Leo.
Oh, yeah, I know. You do the *pinch*.
Then we'll make it the eight.
Hey, how was the meeting?
Well, is Elaine here?
Oh, well, I didn't actually go with Ramon. I just bumped into him there. (putting on coat)
Excited? I'm gonna kill her! She knew she was coming here and she made me carry that box?!
That was something.
You must have gotten me when I slowed down to take that curve because for a while there I was doing well over 100.
Never mind
Why not? The voice? The calves? The bacon?
Would. Does. Is.
(Angered) Hello.. Newman.
Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke telling immunity. He's already got the two big religions covered, if he ever gets Polish citizenship there'll be no stopping him.
Hello Darren, this is Jerry from Jerry's office. (Elaine is looking confused). We're going to be three for lunch. (Elaine is still looking confused) What do you mean he's already left?
I can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing things from my blood.
Of course. Because of that wallet. You-you got a filing cabinet under half of your ass.
Don't look at him. (Phil starts to knock on the door)
Beep, beep, beep? What are you doing?
So if everyone would just put their cars in reverse at the same time, we can do this. All right, on the count of three. Can everyone hear me? Hey, amigo, are you paying attention?
Moved?
I liked it. Should I have said I didn't like it?
First we ride the cyclone.
Hum, a cologne that smells like the beach. I can't believe I'm saying this, 'That's not a bad idea.'
So, Saturday night.
So, we go into NBC, we tell them we've got an idea for a show about nothing.
So, we're, uh, foolin' around there.. you know, it's getting a little passionate.. (Scoots closer to George, to prevent others from hearing) and, uh, she starts with the dirty talking.
Oh yeah right.
I like that thing in your hair there.
Why?
Ma, it's not true!
Whattya mean?
Thank you very much... Well, then go out and smell the car; see which smells worse.
(to the Drake) So it was a good party, huh? Oh... you're welcome, you're welcome... (to Elaine) They loved the TV, *loved* it!
No you didn't. He knows he's bald.
Oven mitts?
Yeah, but how am I... 
She had a good time. 
We had that babka.
Oh. (Smiles at Marty nervously.) Well, I must have been in the incinerator room when you left. Here you go, Marty. (Hands over Kramer's quilt.)
Wait a second, he just did me a big favor.
What do you want me to do? You wanna see Rachel naked?
Hello Newman.
You got Danny Tartabull?!
Oh, that's gotta hurt.
So what happened with Kramer's mother?
George.
I'm no cat killer.
Hello. Oh, hi mom. Yeah, I was at Nana's yesterday. I had to help her open a ketchup bottle. Hey, mom, let me ask you a question. Do you remember when you were a kid, your father winning like a thousand dollars at the track? (listens) Really? Did you know he gave uncle Leo a hundred dollars, and he was supposed to give you fifty? (listens) How do I know? Because Nana doesn't know what year it is, and she thinks this just happened. (listens) Well, I think you should. Okay, bye.
No question about it.
Hey, Planet 9 From Outer Space is playing tomorrow night. One show only.
No.
Sue Ellen Mishke?
Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at the end of the cycle?
I know this doesn't seem like work to any of you, if you could perhaps conduct your psychopath convention down the hall, I could just get a little personal space.
Oh, the best revenge is living well. 
Try to.
Kramer, I want my car.
You guys both have class at the same time?
So you're gonna burn that bridge.
How did you get my package? 
Having her in jail.
Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm takin' it.
A bomb threat? Why would I call in a bomb threat?
Yeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.
He's not doing anything. Goodbye!
Hey, Elaine is going to come with us, alright?
You barbecuing tonight?
Mother of God.
Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life saving business?
Ah, I'm not wearing a watch.
Definitely. I plan to, I'm not just saying that.
We don't hear that. (They enter the elevator)
Kramer? What did we say that's so bad?
So Sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library?
But...
Oh wow, so you got the test. You're cheating.
 I don't know.
Oh, yeah,. My favourite explorer. Around the world. Come on.
My god, are you okay?
Don't play coy with me, Newman, I'm not in the mood!
All right.
Hey George.
Uuh, so we can still go out on Friday though?
So I don't know what she's using it for. 
No, but I'll tell you something. Of all the guys I know, I could envision you going out with him.
What for?
That's a hell of a plan. (To Kramer) Listen -
Well let me ask you this. What exactly did you say when you asked her out?
I didn't hit puberty til the 9th grade. That's what gave me my speed. Besides, if I got a head start why didn't Mr. Bevilacqua stop the race?
 What are you gonna do about the roommate?
I know, I know...
Thank you very much.
I said I couldn't believe you liked that commercial. So what?
You can't come up with your own stuff , so you *steal* other peoples? You're nothing but a hack.
Hotel?
Well, that's a lot of money. But, if that's the way it's gotta be, that's the way it's gotta be.
Sons of bitches?
I'll call him. (Jerry picks up the cordless phone. He points to the rotary phone on the coffee table. Kramer, George, and Elaine struggle for it.) Hello, Ray?... Hi, Ray, this is Rava's friend, Elaine's friend, Jerry... The King of Comedy, right. Listen, you know that statue on your mantle, the one with the blue lady? (He covers the reciever and yells at Kramer and George.) Would you shut up?! (to the phone) Yeah, you don't want to talk about it over the phone?.. You don't want Rava to hear?... Yeah, I understand... You know that coffee shop near my house, Monk's?... All right, tomorrow... One o' clock... Great, okay, bye.
(confused) Dinner? W..What time is it?
(positive) Fantastic. Fantastic woman.
All right Nik. That's it.
You're a Genius!
I think I can! I even like the name! Pam!
(Again, we hear his thoughts) There's some hot air blowing in here..
What's the difference?
(animated) They're real Cubans?! They're human beings, from Cuba?!
I think this Father Curtis might be very interested to hear what Whatley has the Pope doing with Raquel Welch.
How could they not fire you?
So, how's the fornicating gourmet?
You're still trying to gget that free sub?
(Confused) What does that mean?
Not you! The guy in the Amigo.
I'm sure it didn't move.
He could have said: 'Thank you, I like it too' and put it back in his pocket.
Aah, French fries.
Why don't you call Steve D'Jiff, he works in the marketing department at Calvin Klein. In fact he's a good friend of John Mollika and Richie also.
A stupid what?
It's preposterous! They ask someone to take off a baseball cap at a baseball game. (beat) How can you defend that?
No, a dollar, two tops.
They say, 'What's your show about?' I say, 'Nothing.'
(Modest) Oh, you know, the usual..
What happened?
He fired you?!?
I don't know, one minute you say they're fake, the next minute you think they're real...I don't know what to believe!
(to the Drake) Oh, wait a second, I'll ask her.. that's a great idea. (To Elaine) Drake wants to know if we want to come out to Minneolis this afternoon, since we missed the partly last night, to maybe get something to eat?
Pretty much. 
Well what are we going to do now. If we can't get the babka the whole thing's useless.
(dialing) He got em out of the house.
You can see me naked. I can offer you that.
No, no I don't. Why?
Boy, you really came through. Kristin's gonna be thrilled.
No, they didn't even touch me. I tripped because of these stupid cowboy boots.
What's she like?
The dating world is not a fun world...it's a pressure world, it's a world of tension, it's a world of pain...and you know, if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready, 'cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I don't know what they need. I know I don't have it, I know that- You know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. This is the one I'm- always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no cotton-balls, we're all human beings, what is the story? I've never had one...I never bought one, I never needed one, I've never been in a situation, when I thought to myself: 'I could use a cotton-ball right now.' I can certainly get out of this mess. Women need them and they don't need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags, they're like peat moss bags, have you ever seen these giant bags? They're huge and two days later, they're out, they're gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, ladies? What are you doin' with them? The only time I ever see 'em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, there's two or three, that look like they've been through some horrible experience... tortured, interrogated, I don't know what happened to them. I once went out with a girl who's left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over at my house. I don't know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town. 'Let's move on.' The dating world is a world of pressure. Let's face it: a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. You know? 'Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position, why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be workin' with?' 
Could you stop the counting?
I'd really like to go, Elaine. But, George is coming back from the hospital. I gotta wait for him. But otherwise I would definitely go.
I'm not taking it back.
Wednesday? What, what Wednesday?
That was brutal. I can't go back out there.
Oh, I'll split a cab with you.
At the zoo?
You know, I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic sequence of meaningless events, but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.
You know I was supposed to see this five years ago. I was in a Chinese restaurant with George and Elaine and got all screwed up trying to get a table and I missed it.
Are you sensing anything right now?
Without Elaine? What for?
All right, I gotta go.
Ah, Lloyd.
Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns?
It's because of her that bottle got broke that I was going to give to Charles Grodin on his show.
Did you get your laundry? 
What do you mean you're in the same class?
I don't know what you should do with it. 
No spiel?
Yeah, dating a convicted felon. I don't know how you missed it.
I wanna buy back the Cadillac.
Well, guess I'll get going.
I should have some reason.
Are you taking the Tony to Sardi's?
Well, just...
So, where do you want to eat tonight?
That guy Elaine's dating seems really familiar to me. I think he may have been a comedian I worked with one time. Wait a minute, what is this?
It must take a really really big zit, to kill a man!
Yeah. How'd ya do that?
Nooo, I don't. (the elevator doors shut)
How'd it taste?
What's with you two?
I said, 'How come no one's killed her?' Probably shouldn't have said anything,
Purple? Ya' sure it wasn't orange?
(STARTS TO LEAVE, TO HIMSELF) ...Kramer
 Maybe Kramer can come pick us up.
Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that, that's the important thing.
Is he being coy?
Ah, I don't know if he likes her as much as he likes it.?
All right, you guys listen, I've got to wait here for Elaine, I'll meet you in front of the theatre.
Tia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom? It's like an English garden in there.
You've gotta smell the car
(getting up) Uh, you know what? I'll read with her.
Yeah.
Alright. (Jerry opens the door for George)
It's coming! It's a Commando 8! 12.000 BTU's! It's gonna be like a meat locker in here.
He thinks Gwen broke up with him because she saw him eating the ice cream on TV. 
I didn't even think to look. 
Hello Poppie. 
If I was a woman I'd be down at the dock waiting for the fleet to come in.
Uncle Leo?!
(shocked) What the hell was that?
Alright, Kramer!
Oh, a walk, well --
Well, I . . . [sees George]
 Well, the pickle breath is a good start.
Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking?
Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there.
Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, you know. If you wanna do it out of town...okay. But not in the city.
No, no, no. I have to get home tonight. Bridget's gonna be waiting for me at the Diplomat's Club. Rent a car.
Hey!
(bewildered) Four-thirty? Who eats dinner at four-thirty?
I'm nuts about her.
You got your shirt in my oven!?!
Keep following him Kramer. don't let me down.
Pam!
Hey, what is going on over there?
Well, go ahead. There's 8 bags of it.
Hi.
Cigars!
They're not getting a baby so you're taking them out to lunch?
Aw, come on there now.
George, we're trying to have a civilization here.
That is the guy!
Well, technically he did apologize.
Is there a captain's hat involved in this?
I'm sorry, Lorraine, this is Elaine...
(Shocked at his parents) You're stealing too?!
Maybe it just wanted to change positions? You know, shift to the other side.
Well.
I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die.
Hey.
(as Ping rambles on ) ...S'cuse me (Ping looks up) Kind of an expensive call.
So then what?
(uncomfortable) Uh, I don't know. Uh, I don't know.
She broke up with you?
DeSoto? What did he do?
You know, if you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn't say 'God bless you', you should say, 'You're soo good lookin''.
Yeah, Kramer. K-R-A-M-E-R. Uh, I don't know, wavy? George, how would you describe Kramer's hair?
(Nodding) I think you may have something there.
Typical things.
What?
Are you alright?
But you were just grabbing on to them to save your life. If you were drowning and I threw you a life preserver, you think you could tell me if it was an inflatable?
I dunno...
(to the Drake) Sure! ... Okay... Don't worry, I'm taking MY car! ... okay... okay, see you later... bye...
I was an idiot for listening to you!
What? 
Carrot cake? Now w-why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake. I'm sorry.
Call Rachel.
I suppose.
You really seemed to enjoy it.
That's got nothin' to do with it.
Yeah.
I don't care about it.
Ah
Elaine'll kill me.
Kramer, you threw a banana peel at a monkey?
Religion, my friend, that's what happened to me. Because, I have just been informed that it's going to cost Elaine the sum of five thousand dollars to get the apartment upstairs.
Look at this Jerry, dropping paper on the ground. That's littering.
Well, what about criminal activity? He's got to be alert.
We gotta get out of here. Come on; weave your web, liar man.
What else did you two do?
(unenthusiastic) Oh, the gum.
Indeed.
(While opening a cereal box) I will - don't worry. (Plotting revenge) In fact, I'll have her bring up a whole case of the stuff. It'll be really heavy. Let's see if she likes sitting on a plane with a big box on her lap!
What's with you? 
Kramer, you're fighting children?!
I am not going to treat my uncle like a bomb defusing robot. 
Too much dairy? You really think I'm eating too much dairy?
So you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to abduct you?
Huh. Kurt's an organ donor.
Well, I got that root canal tomorrow morning. It'll be easier if I go home.
Oh, hello.
Again!? How much flan can a person eat!?
You call yourself a lifesaver. I call you pimple popper MD!
What was that?
Dad, it's got lots of other functions.
Yeah.
Tell me what?
No Black Jack?
 There's nothing I could do, it's part of the code.
No, I never got the car. We were having such a good time, by the time I got to the police garage, it was closed.
Hellooo Newman.
Look, I'm really getting tired off all the fighting. Maybe we should just end this before we really start hating each other.
Where's George now?
You're being coy. Now where's Kramer, Newman?
Imagine, us narks?
So, the show would be about my real life. And one of the characters would be based on you.
What's he doing? What is his hurry?
So we'll talk about the hooks then?
I thought I smelled lilac.
Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm quitting. I hate my guy. He's a mean, mean guy.
C'mon! One whiff!
The Drake is great!
Alright, want to start?
I like sneakers.
And they said they can do it?
Oh. thank you. 
Yeah. 
you're making sandwiches? 
The pies. I'm going to the bathroom. You know. (he leaves) 
Alright.
Hello.
I've never been called breathtaking either.
You know you could've thrown a pencil out the window and seen if that came back.
Or something. Yeah, that's a date.
I'm sorry, uh,
What is it?
 What do you want?
You know, instead, I'm like a detective. I gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation.
(to George) So did you bring the lease? (George takes the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry.) All right, gee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time.
Can I make it up to you? I'll give you fifty bucks for the jug.
Oh uh, Kramer, this is Donna.
Hi Sarge.
'Why are you taking this so personally?'
Fine.
I don't have a preference, okay! Just make a decision yourself! Stop bothering me with every minor little detail, please?
What are you up to?
Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in.
I don't understand why we have to eat now.
She could be an 'it'.
For both of us.
What's going on? You're the man of the hour, That's what's going on.
Pam!
Are you nuts? There's no way I'm holding that thing.
You're giving up that easy?
(reaching into his pocket) Alright, I'll give you nine thousand for it.
Good. My cold's gone, and I've been looking forwards to kissing you, which I'm ready to do now, if you are ready.
(incredulous) You're making your own cigars now?
Poor Beth.
Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
Hey, how was baby-sitting?
No, she thinks she's in love with him. But she's just remembering this old commercial.
So now you want an apology for the apology, plus the original apology?
Mom, you too?
Okay, so what if it moved?
If he likes it so much, he never should have offered it.
everyone knows the first break-up never takes. (answers buzzer) Yeah?
Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for?
I don't know.
What was on the list?
Oh. like they wouldn't have found that anyway.
He tends to exaggerate.
Wavy.
Wouldn't tune in.
She says, uh.. (Mumbles something inaudible. George, so shocked by what he's just heard, accidentally squeezes the ketchup bottle - ketchup squirts out and files off-screen. George reacts deeply)
You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca?
Oh, Where did you eat?
Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes!
Well, I don't mind someone with a phony personality, but I gotta draw the line somewhere.
Yeah, that's true...
Uh-huh.. (Finally realizes what Kramer said, he looks up) Since I said what?
Ooh, everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side.
Yeah (a so-so yeah as he takes a sip of coffee) 
And well it should be. I think if you spent any time with me at all, you'd see I'm very sensitive to these matters as well. You wouldn't be hungry by any chance, wouldya? 
Black Forrest? Too scary. You're in the Forrest, oohh.
(on the phone) ah no, I got the machine. Rachel! Are you there?! I got the place to myself for a few hours! Rachel! Where are you? Rachel! (hangs up the phone very disappointed)
I don't know. Nothing.?
Excuse me?
Yeah, that's possible.
Yeah, he's nuts. You wanta bump off a couple of cats. (Enter Kramer, holding a paper up to Jerry.) I know, I know. It's down again.
All right. Take it back.
I've got the softball game on Wednesday. It's the championship.
She's gotta be here soon.
Yeah?
It's a monkey, Kramer!
Of course she doesn't have five thousand dollars!
Maybe they offered him a chair and he turned it down.
How many sweaters you got on?
George, what's the matter with you?
Ah, so, ah, flower shows and, shopping for pretty bows, and then back to her place, strip down to bra and panties for a tickle fight?
(still not happy) Uh, alright. (he takes a piece)
He stole back the rye?
Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide.
(Pulling out the toy from the cereal box - he displays even more immaturity by holding it up, smiling) Hey! A dinosaur!
What? 
He's nine years old! You don't need karate, you can just wring his neck!
Open the package Leo. 
You know, maybe they thought you looked too smart to be brainwashed?
So he just shaves his head for no reason?
I don't understand. Is there a problem? (Elaine is pulling a roll of paper towels about twenty feet long) I'm getting the impression there's a problem.
Kramer!
Do you have to write all this stuff down.
Well, I don't think more flan is the answer!
(Sees Elaine leaving) Hey! Wh-where are you...? 
Oh my god, Lorraine... that's Lorraine from my uncle's office. I'm in big, big trouble.
Elaine, why did you have the cab come down the street?! We were almost out!
Tropic of Cancer.
 Yeah, yeah, alright.
That's great!
You wouldn't believe what this guy put away at Nathan's. Look at what we won!
Well, I like to remain friends with people I was friends with!
What are you talking about?
Listen, Tiny. I wanna know where Kramer is and wanna know now!
What do you mean you don't think so?
I know he once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes.
So quit!
Yeah. Well, I don't know if I'm happy for them, I mean I'm glad they're happy, but, frankly, that doesn't do anything for me.
O.K.
Nah, you're crazy anyway.
All right. Let's go down to the yogurt store, and we'll get a specimen.
Well actually Enzo hasn't said that to me in a while. 
Yeah I've got this old bottle of cough medicine. 
How about a Napoleon?
What?
Maybe he just said it because the mother was in the room.
Well, maybe next time someone's in a car accident you won't stop off for candy first.
Course you know there is always the possibility, that she called an audible.
Oh, George Costanza , Kennedy High.
 I'm not letting you cheat, Newman.  You're not getting anywhere near that board.
Really? How?
Why?
Well, then I'm not going to the game either. Okay? I'll give him both tickets.
What's the rope for?
Relax, he's late. He's always late. It's part of his M.O.
She's got 'it' written all over her.
What's wrong with your oven?
Right. Go right!/South!
Yeah well, maybe if he didn't lick his fingers before he reached in the bag we would've eaten some. Serves him right.
(Stopping him) No, wait a minute, Newman! You can't let this dream die. You moving away is my dream too!
You bought it for six!
Nothing. I just, I uh, I bruised my lip. I was drinking a Celray, and I brought it up too fast and I banged it into my lip, (lower voice and hurriedly) and then I knocked your toothbrush into the toilet and I wasn't able to tell you before you could use it.
(to Kramer) Hold on a second. (to Morty) Hiya dad.
Oh screw him! (George enters)
Everything.
Oh, I'm sure it won't be the worst.
I know. They're not even related.
Well, I hit the wall yesterday with Lady Godiva. She did a full body flex on a pickle jar.
Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a One-woman show?
Alright, I'll talk to you later.
That's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves, as a result of contact.
Well, he was wrong.
Okay, Farfel, put your shoes on.
So you don't care if I die.
Ahem. Say that again?
You want him?
Yeah, Postum is under-ratted,
No I can't I've got some stuff to do then I've got to meet Keith at my apartment at three. I'm helping him move.
Yeah, I'll hold on. Hey George, did you see a piece of paper I had on the nightstand here, like crumpled up, like a napkin?
No tune.
..And then she starts talking about her panties.
See, I don't get that. First they come out with the regular, then a year later they come out with the cherry. They know that we like the cherry, start with cherry! Then come out with the regular!
She's a virgin, she just told me.
What happened?
Ah. I know the chef there.
Hey. George off to Detroit?
Alright, will you pay for the cleaning?
Yes?
What are you talking about?
A bad side, an ugly side.
I was blowing on the coffee. 
You like Chinese food, 'cos I once went to a great Szechwan restaurant in this neighbourhood. I don't remember the exact address... (he spots a mailman crouched emptying a box) Uh, excuse me, you must know where the Chinese restaurant is around here. 
Huh? 
Yeah...my wife.
Did they uncross the lines yet?
He'll dispose of it.
I don't know.. fifteen hundred dollars.
I didn't even know the woman.
The waiter was trembling!
Come on up.
George.
Well, I still think it's wrong.
Can't get it.
I know you will.
Yes, I do. (very serious)
Why?
Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name?
Can't we eat at a decent hour? I'll treat, okay?
Did he call you last night? 
Opening. 
I love crampbark.
Too dumb?
I'm having surgery tomorrow.
All right, all right.
Look at your skin.
So, how hot did it get?
'Maybe'!?
She saved your life?
Did you two break up? 
Yeah, she works in his office. Now she's gonna see him tomorrow and tell him she saw me here tonight. He's gonna tell his wife, his wife's gonna call my mother. Oh, this is bad, you don't know, the chain reaction of calls this is gonna set off. New York, Long Island, Florida, it's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. My uncle to my aunt, my aunt to my mother, my mother to my uncle...
(looking at the Wizard) Well, your tip is four dollars and thirty-six point six six six six cents.
Tropic of Capricorn?
So?
 Just don't make a scene.
(leaning out the window) Hey Georgie!
Turn around, George.
Suspected serial killer, he didn't actually do it.
I don't understand. What don't you like about it?
Look at him.
Hey.
What look?
Well if a couple breaks up and have plans to go to a neutral place, who withdraws? What's the etiquette? 
That's nice of you to say. 
Hi
That was our babka. We had that babka!
How are you gonna do that?
Bad.
You two know each other?
You're just answering phones!
Well she got up to the line of scrimmage, didn't like the looks of the defense and changed the play.
We've been trying to get it out of him for ten years. What is it?
 You're not a little anything, Newman.  So just pack it up and move it out of here.
Uh-huh.
What are you two talking about? Look, Elaine just wasn't the one.
You could take it? You want it?
I- no, I don't want to go.
The dog. You're getting the dog.
Actually, you know I just remembered I promised this comedy club that I'd do a set tonight, so, terribly sorry.
Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it.
Well, Lloyd's a very industrious fellow. I'm sure he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to.
Well, I dunno. I didn't really talk to her.
Yeah.
(impressed) Well! Mack is back in town! Nice duds.
(Fast) Whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, where ever it takes me as long as it takes you away from me!
It's just hair.
(standing) How much d'you want for it?
I'm sorry.
They're Cuban cigar rollers.
Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
I said no! (hangs up the phone.)
Where am I gonna get a fat guy and a cannonball?
Ah! There you are.(Kramer motions silence)
...My uncle to my cousin, my cousin to my sister, my sister to me.
(Joking around) Well, you know, eighty-five percent of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first three months.
Pennsylvania Dutch country? Oh, that's the serious relationship weekend place.
Elaine, he doesn't need-
That's what a gym teacher once told me.
So you want me to return it?
It's not my dog, I don't know where this boozehound is.
It was life and death.
Do I see it... or don't I? That's the question.
So, you missed the wedding. You'll catch the bris!
What's wrong with lunch?
I know isn't that something?
Entertainment Tonight's on.
'Cause I had like three jokes on it, they were all perfectly worded just the way I wanted to have it. Can't find it. Hello?
So I said something.
Well you should hear the message from my nut. Where's George and Kramer, I want to get inside already, I don't like standing out here, I feel very vulnerable.
Well it's not like spotting a toupee.
Wow! Joe Pepitone!
What happened?
Come on up.
(Goes up to it) This?
So what? I wasn't planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you make me throw off the whole learning curve.
What?
Look it's not like you're gonna be spending a lot of time with her. 
I asked because you were the mailman, you would know the neighbourhood. 
No, Nothing. 
Uh...I got married.
(long pause -- did he hear 'ridicurous' -- should he say something -- can't decide if he should. Finally...) Did you say, 'ridicurous'?
You don't have to say 'Wow.' I know it's 'Wow.' (Kramer smiling) And there's that smile again. Well, what is that? (Intercom buzzes.) It's George.
Marlene.
I mean I met her three times. I don't even know her last name.
How are we gonna get out of it?
No no, he'll come in. Well, this is gonna be my first opportunity to not kiss her hello.
I'm still here. Listen, you gotta go down to the Diplomat's Club...
I'm not taking anyone's side.
No move. So, you see, it's all part of a divine plan.
I don't know why I have to go to the hospital. I didn't do anything to Bette Midler. Driver can you stop over here, we're picking somebody up.
Your core temperature?
Hey you know George isn't to happy, ahh, about your new friendship.
Kramer, what the hell is going on in there?
So, do the Ross's know?
You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't destroy someone else's.
(emphatic) I'm not force-feeding myself a steak at four-thirty to save a coupla bucks, I'll tell you that!
What did you say? 
According to them
All right, I'm, i,m takin' the camera.
No, No bomb. 
Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car.
(singing) Believe it or not, Geooorge isn't at home.
But you said, it can be very serious.
I guess you can take anything, but actual work.
Double good-bye! (As Patty leaves, open door reveals Kramer, sitting on his lawn chair with a sparkler)
Really?
Hey, have fun at the... family reunion. (George exits) So, what do you know about this Jack fellow?
Skin cancer! Damn.
'Rust-proofing'? 
Aw.. right, code of silence.. how's that going?....Ha!!...
Wait a second. Wait a second. You're right. I had both of them.
Why not?
 Oh boy.
Now what did you ask me again.
Well you might as well look it over.
Are you okay?
We're pretty sure.
Why not?
Just a huge massive coronary.
Hey, hey, what are you doing, that?s my quarter.
44th and 9th.
What are doing, you crying??
I gave a look?
I think she should withdraw. She's the breaker, he's the breakee. He needs to get on with his life. 
Hi. Can I use your bathroom? 
Hey, come on!
Uh huh.
Ah! What'd you find out, Lois?
This is Lois.
 I dunno, watch it on TV I guess.  Why?
So what was wrong with him?
Right.
I dunno, maybe...
So you do want it.
I had to give him a tissue. In fact, let me call his machine now and I'll just make up some excuse why I can't go to the game either.
Donna, really, you're making too much of this.
His lawyer.
That's comforting. Shh. He's coming. (to Ray) Ray?
's not necessary.
Yeah, I got some family backstage. Course my family's nuts; they're crazy. Yep. My uncle Leo, (quick take of Uncle Leo in bet with Lydia, watching Jerry on TV. Lydia is laughing, Leo is not) I had lunch with him the other day, he's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life, he blames it on anti-Semitism. You know what I mean, the spaghetti's not al dente? Cook's an anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse. Secretariat? Anti-Semitic. Doesn't get a good seat at the temple. Rabbi? Anti-Semite.
Whatever.
Come on up.
Sounds like you're throwing a lot of their money around.
(Confirming) An alliance. (They both shake hands and laugh evily) Now get the hell outta here. (Newman leaves)
It's brown.
Fourteen thousand.
So you're denying him the scholarship just because he wants to be a city planner?
Obviously never.
What is that bubbling sound? Are you making your tomato sauce?
Yeah.
That's the spirit. You suck!
Just me? No dudes or fellas?
Technically, you're saut&eacute;ed. So, what are you doing for that?
What's he here for?
Yeah.
All set. I can't believe I'm going dancing.
Just a movie?! You don't understand. This isn't 'Plans 1 through 8 from Outer Space', this is 'Plan 9', this is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made!
Oh, right. You can't run for condo president because you were impeached at the other condo.
No one's stealing a tractor, it's a five-mile-an-hour getaway. We're dancing around the obvious, it's gotta be disfigurement.
Well, I think by sleeping with her, I may have sent her the wrong message.
'Cause that's what's gonna happen.
Hey.
Completely naked?
I can't let you do that, what about Prognosis Negative?
George, here's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it.
Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
You mean *a* career.
I don't know ... he's got some valuable antiques, He's worried they'll break something.
Bedroom.
That's what she told me!
Now, you better tell me where Kramer is, or are we gonna have to do this the hard way? (Hits wall with his fist.)
I don't know, 6-3, George, how tall is Kramer?
(Defensively) Now, bear in mind, I am just trying to keep up.
I was just flipping it, it's mine.
No, no, I mean...
You plunked him.
There's Sidra.
St. Elizabeth's Hospital? Why?
I agreed to wear this?!
Ah, he'd just deny it.
Gee, I'm really sorry.
No. 
I didn't know that... 
(to Kramer): who is it? 
Well, it was sudden.
Uh, say, I wanted a side order of fruit but I didn't see it on the men
(pause) I thought you said... 'ridicurous.' (Donna looks puzzled)
Whoa!
I really don't need to look.
Yeah, I took her home one night ' we kinda started up a little bit in the car.
I mean, who has a funeral on a Wednesday? That's what I want to know. I mean, it's the championship, I'm hitting everything.
Yeah, that's good. He'd clunk our heads together like Moe.
It's the obligation, you know? As soon as this person comes in, you know you have to do this. I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little better.
Carl, I think.
No.
(to the intercom) Elaine?
Are you out of your mind? You got the AIDS walk tomorrow!
Why wouldn't they be? A rye bread doesn't just disappear.
How about 'Mickey'?
Hey, listen to this, Uncle Leo broke up with his girlfriend because of the bit I did. She thought it was funny, so he accused *her* of being an anti-Semite. They had a huge fight and now he's moving back into his apartment. You know what this means, my parents are gonna go back to Florida... What? What number is this? Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Whew. Did he wave? 
Oh man...
Oh stupid Leo was using one of those oven cleaners. He left the canister in there and the pilot light was on. The whole thing blew up. 
Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly.
Seth?</font>
Hello. Didn't I see you at the pro shop yesterday?
Hey Mike.. How 'bout those Knicks?
What happened to the rules? Remember? Sleeping over was optional.
But you yada yada'd over the best part.
I'm not touching that thing.
Yeah, nobody beats him. What kind of work does he do?
'Finder's fee'? It was on the lot! 
(to Kramer) Oh! Shut up!!!
Hey, I got news for you, if we're making this movie, we gotta get a table immediately.
To the Idiotmobile!
Hey I don't even want the pen now!
Come on, Kramer, seriously, give me her number!
She could have mentioned the conversation.
Crazy kids, huh?
Yeah, that's a good tip!
You're my neighbor. There's got to be a character based on you.
All right, do you want the quarter, take the quarter, but don't try and tell me it's yours.
Well, maybe no one noticed it. You didn't notice it. Let me go get Newman. We'll see if he sees it.
No.
You crying from 'Home Alone'??
Really. 
Another babka?
So you just did the opposite of everything?
. . . YOU went out with . . . Newman?
Good for you.
You did?
Yeah...
 You're going to the Super Bowl?
So he's been lying to me for two months?!
Lip area.
I can't. She'll get upset. I never talk about other women with her, especially this one tonight.
You just said you wanted it!
George, the man wept.
Please, Donna...
Hey, I'm being heckled on stage. People are yelling out Galloogy.
Did what?
What?
Hey.
Well, I didn't...
I know that, Kramer.
Hey Kramer, my parents are gonna have to move back to Florida, isn't that great?
That doesn't sound right.
I got some Cubans for George's wedding. They were more than I wanted to pay for but what the hell!
(moving over to block the door) Where are you going?
So, uh. Gillian's comin' over later. I think I'm gonna end it.
(Like an Army general) Elaine, Newman is my sworn enemy. And he lives down the hall from my home - my home, Elaine! Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys.
So?
You know, maybe philanthropy is not your field. (Phone rings, he answers it) Hello. Oh, Hi, Ellen. Yeah, I called the hotel.. we're all set for the weekend.
Kramer, I'm kind of in the middle of something. Would you get these signs out of here, please?
(accusing) You're not wearing a shirt, are you?
Over here. You can see right through here.
I can start right away.
Is that what the doctor said?
(doing the voice) Wel-l-l-c-o-m-e!
(answering the ringing phone) Hello?
No, because it's so stupid. Shall we?
No, she looks completely normal.
So, even though you're not really going out with this guy, he's cheating on you?
Joe DiMaggio? In Dinky Donuts?
Ok, I'll see you after school. I.m late for Hayman's hygiene.
Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning.
Biff, what did you whistle on the elevator?
I'M NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!!
What's it like out?
That's what it costs!
Where's Kramer?
About 6-3.
He couldn't believe it.
What's he doing? Is he out of his mind? Do you see him? I don't even think I see him anymore. Where is he?
Okay? So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh.. So, I said, 'You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?'
What, do you think I care about the money? Is that what you think? You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look, here look at this, here's a dollar here look, there, that?s how much I care about money.
Elaine, Elaine... (Buzzer) Yeah?
Wow, this is incredible!
Oh, you have a daughter?
Oh yeah, you and your *Sergio Mendes*...
Where?
But, when did I do that?
Amy said nothing happened.
You're out of your mind you know that.
I'd be happy to.
Yes. 
I, I had no idea. 
yeah, so? 
No, no, it was a small ceremony.
Right you are.
Oh, what are you doing here?
Did you tell him I was sorry I didn't offer him the drink?
I'm I'm a comedian.
Yeah, and you're just what she's looking for too ' a stranger leering through a pair of binoculars ten floors up.
I was. But, she's got me, like, hypnotized.
All fathers are intimidating. They're intimidating because they are fathers. Once a man has children, for the rest of his life, his attitude is, 'To hell with the world, I can make my own people. I'll eat whatever I want, I'll wear whatever I want, and I'll create whoever I want.'
Elaine, now you're being ridiculous.
Yeah, he was nice.
What do I gotta call him for? I thanked him five times when he gave them to me, how many time I gotta thank him?
(to George) All right, this is going to require some great acting now. I have to pretend I'm disappointed. You're going to really see me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this. Maybe you should go in the other room.
Bad situation.
(realizing something) Oh, my god! 
How was the rest of Death Blow?
Yeah but the explosion singed off his eyebrows, mustache everything. He's all smooth now. Look's like a seal. 
Excuse me, Tor. May I ask you a question? You have intuitive abilities. You're in touch with a lot of this cosmic kind of things.. I have this note I can't read. I was wondering if-
I think your taking the trash out for this chicken place, but that couldn't be.</font>
(to himself) Hoh, that Milos. (to Patty) Well uh, what shall we do, uhm, care for a cup of coffee?
Why not?
It has nothing to do with whose house it is.
But not here. (They leave.)
Oh, no...
(turning on the commercial) Right, quiet dignity. As opposed to, say, this?
Well, actually, it's kind of a funny story because she has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them.
'Keys'?! 
Good luck, It's sold out for the next three weeks.
In a Chinese restaurant? Do they take money?
What press?
Well, I'm calling this off right now.
(C0NT'D) Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place. You want to call the Department of Social Services? Oh, it's Saturday. They're closed today. My luck.
You're lying! You got it, I want that number!
I read it in Ann Landers.
I don't understand what the big deal is.
Oh yeah, well why don?t you Just get lost.
Oh, saffron! That sounds good.
Oh what's the difference. Everybody else you know has it.
Alright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can be friends with you anymore after this display.
Well I don't care, I don't want to go anyway. I don't want to fight that traffic on Friday night. 
Well-well we got to get the cinnamon.
So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ.
Why?
Y'know what you should do now? Get her some flowers, smooth it out.
Yeah. You said you liked horse manure.
So...?
 What's his name?
What kind of person is this? There's only one other person who might be able to do something like this, and that's you.
Hug is definitely good.
We're friends.
So take it.
He left me there. You see the mind games?
You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around, but they don't know they're ugly, because nobody actually tells them. 
Stop your crying will ya?
You're getting married?
Why are they settling?
You're never gonna make it!
(holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the fridge?
Hey, you're not giving it to me, man. What's wrong?
Flying Sandos. Beautiful.
Peru! I paid $300 bucks for these. I could have bought a house in Peru for $300 bucks!
Talk to Beth?
Those meaty paws, I feel like I'm dating George the Animal, (steer).
'Big head' (Scoffs) That's almost a compliment.
(To George, in a 'cha-ching!' motion) Vermont! (To Ellen) With any luck, they said we could stay an extra couple of days if we want to! (George is disturbed. He gets up, goes go Kramer's door, and knocks. They talk) Four days at a beautiful bed-and-breakfast! I can't wait.. buy-bye. (Hangs up. George and Kramer come into Jerry's apartment, confronting him) What? (George takes the phone off the hook) What is this?
I wouldn't know where to start.
What colour is it?
It's kind of cozy.
What? Can't I get a moment's peace?
Yea.
Yeah! In fact, she broke up with me! And I don't want to talk about it!
(Giving Newman a sour look) I'm just hanging out in this hell-hole because of George.
World War I plane?
Compact, lipstick, all this?
You think she's got toes for thumbs?
(Butting in) Tina Turner?
No, I'm sorry, if Joe DiMaggio wants a donut, he goes to a fancy restaurant or a hotel. He's not sitting in Dinky Donuts.
It was nice seeing you again. I just remembered something. I've got to go. (to old man that enters) It was GEORGE!
Yeah, it's in the kitchen drawer.
Hey.
Can I take a sweater?
I wasn't thinking! I don't know.
Coming.
No, no that's not him. What happened to him? I can't believe it. I lost him. That stupid idiot. Now what are we going to do?
(Throwing up his hands) I don't know! It just popped out.
Because I was standing here, that?s why.
What's going on out there?
Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums this old guy I was visiting today was throwing away: Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al Jolson, Benny Goodman...
Talkin' to Sidra?
Wow, what happened?
What are you, crazy?!
Yeah, but you're blind as a bat!
It's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it.
Ah, Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's uh yogurt at the yogurt place - does that have any fat in it?
Yes. 
did you say flinty? 
Yes, yes, you have.
I'll be right back. (Leaves the table.)
No games? What is the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?
Yeah, yeah
What? What? Did you go down there? (George nods.) Did he tell you what's gonna happen? (George shakes his head.) How long were you there?
No, he'd go nuts.
Don't worry about it, it wasn't working anyway.
Defent.
No, I don't believe in it. I'm taking a stand against all this over thanking.
'Cause you know, I love Elaine.
Um, mutton! Hope you didn't cut the fat off.
You're looking up movies for people now?
Well, just give it back, and I won't say anything.
Yes I do, Kramer.
What do you mean replace it?
(tearing through his laundry bag) Well, on Thursday when I came home I had $1500 on me. For some reason I decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then I completely forgot about it...and then I took the laundry in on Friday! Oh, come on, let's go. 
Kramer, you make me get a ticket for this friend of yours and then the guy forces me to bootleg the movie at gun point!
Is this my stereo? 
What kind of show am I gonna do in Japan?
But your were an executive, this is fast food.</font>
(surprised) Alright.
Mike. You say you're a bookie? You take a bet an' then you can't pay? I don't know, Mike, to me it sounds a little, how you say.. 'Phony'?
Hi.
(knocking) Hey, Jenna. Hey!
George is already in there.
Kramer, I'm not shaving your neck.
Oh, yes.
The New Yorker?
Well, I'm not going over there. That's where the Lopper is.
I don't know.
Are you O.K. in here?
Well, we'll go see something else tonight. We'll see, uh, Ponce De Leon.
Give it to me!
 Here we go.
You had sex with the cleaning woman on your desk? Who are you, how did you do that?
A preemptive breakup.
Oh, hey Mike.
Whatever you want.
Yeah!
A virgin.
Y'know, I think I'll pass on the 'Guys And Dolls'...
Oh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer got the gloves, wanted to come home and start working on his floor.
(smiling and surprised at the way Tom is talking) Good.
Alright Kramer, enough of this. Let's go find George.
Really? 
Yeah, did a good job. 
I beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka. People love cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, 'Oh This is so good. What's in it?' The answer invariably comes back, Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and again. Lesser babka - I think not.
So what are you gonna do?
Elaine ... look! A twenty!
You liked, Newman?
(quietly) Mm-hm.
Alright, but let me ask you this question.
 That's my ticket!
I don't even think you could do it.
Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?
Oh yeah.
How can I take it?
(muffled) Hi Wendy.
I dunno... 
Oh, my god!
All this because you spilled coffee on yourself?
What?
No good?
Walk me down to the Friars.
I got to pay this Todd Gack guy $300 bucks just so he has some excuse to see Elaine again without asking her out.
You're not undoing anything.
Maybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator an' sell tickets.
Hello?
(to himself) Gotta be an easier way.
Hi.
Does it smell like the East River?
I can't stop. Alex thinks I'm naturally hairless.
That's the last thing she said to me. She wanted to go there also, but I wasn't in the mood.
And what if we go up there? What are you going to say to her?
(answering the phone) Hello? Yeah, the van is still for sale. Sure, come on buy.
When are ya gettin' out?
What are you, a medieval dungeon master?
I don't know.
Statute.
Oh, the guy from Jersey?
Scarf?
Well, she framed it and everything.
I don't even know where the bubble boy lives. I - I don't even remember the name of the town.
She flipped out! Just left.
I kinda like this opera crowd, I feel tough... Anybody else got a problem?
'Slow it down'? 
Take a look at this card. Tell me if you notice anything unusual about it.
Babu? (leaving) I'll be right back.
What?
Yeah, and then I asked him if my friend could have them and he said yeah.
I don't think that's Salman.
What?
I don't know! I couldn't understand a word she was saying! I was just nodding!
They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you.
A call for one, you know I thought I've heard everything. I've never heard a relationship being affected by a punctuation.
'I don't like him.' 
You did, you did.
You might have.
Oh, she had an itch.
Ah ha. And what is his stand on abortion?
Kramer, are you still on this? I've seen gymnasts. I know what they do. It's not going to make any difference.
Yeah, yeah, Well, you really got bald there, didn't you?
You told him you knew Simons?
I feel terrible. (Kramer smiling) I mean, I've seen her a couple of times since then, and I know I can't go any further, but... She's just got this like, psychosexual hold over me. I just want her, I can't breathe. It's like a drug.
I'll tell you later.
Yeah.
You need an exterminator?
Hey, if I knew I had to give him eight million 'thank you's, I wouldn't have taken the tickets in the first place.
But you know... not in the building. Really, I feel terrible about this. My intentions were good. What can I do? Tell me.
I can't believe you blew us off; we were doing you the favor.
Yeah.
Well, there ya go. What's so hard about that?
To the Laundromat. 
You know, he came by here at 3 o'clock in the morning to pick up the tape. I was scared out of my mind!
What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up. 
You know, you're supposed to be the Bookie. Act like one.
What?! Wha... what'd you put in there?
I thought you were leaning towards Julie.
All right, all right I'll do it, sit down.
Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and I, guess she passed out!
Wow! Good work, Nancy Drew
She's fifty.
Is it so horrible to have to keep a book?
I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter in little tiny filthy smelly Dinky Donuts.
It's only for three days. Today's over and we have tommorow. We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really.
She talked me into one more day. Talk amongst yourselves, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Well, I changed my mind, I want that number.
Yeah chambermaids, I'm attracted to them too.
We're trying to find out what happened to Kramer.
Kramer.
You can't play Kramer.
We would love to be in business. We'll do business. We're in business. It's... it's business. This is business.
I don't know. I'm very attracted to her. That accent, it's so sexy.
Oh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine are getting ah, pretty chummy. Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art. (opens the fridge and gets a bottle of water.)
Kramer.
You know, I don't get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, someone asks me which way is Israel, I don't fly off the handle. 
Why?
No, I'm sorry. I'm just a little curious. I mean why did you stop seeing him.
The rines are crossed?
And it was around this point that she mentioned the boyfriend?
Which word did he emphasize? Did he say, 'Why would Jerry bring anything?' or, 'Why would Jerry bring anything?' You emphasize 'Jerry' or 'bring.'
(as Newman leaves)  Newman!
Yeah, I guess you could.
You know how they do that?
How can I want it now, if you want it?
I don't know what to do.
What's that?
(muffled) Would you like something to drink?
I'm blown away.
(shaking his head no) No Kramer I don't want to talk to him.
You cannot buy half a can of soda.
Well, you used to sit in that hot tub?
It's not here.
Oh no you're not!
(shrugs) Hey George I think I want to bring a date to the wedding
Kramer, put the paper down! You never listen to me anymore! We hardly even talk!
Hey. Wh-What'd you got, a smoker's lounge in there?
Hey, George.
What?!
Because Kramer has been swimming laps between the Queensborough bridge and the Brooklyn bridge.
Oh that's an old wives tale.
Oh that makes a lot of sense.
It's Patty.
Yeah.
Ow! Sharp key.
Oh, come on, We'll divide it up three ways.
Why do I seek your counsel?
Hold it, George. Don't move. It's right between your eyes.
Statute of limitations. It's not a statue.
..She was sitting at the table where I had my tape recorder...Okay great. Thanks again.. bye. HA Ha..Who do these women think they're dealing with? Did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly erotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go. Not Bloody likely...
Come on, I'll go with you.
What's the matter? What's going on?
Do you want me to paint you something? I'd love to paint you some- thing!
I wanna see what's happening.
You what? You passed? How could you do that?
No, I was following him.
Look, the main thing is I don't want Elaine to know about any of this. I mean, especially the panty remark. I mean, it's embarrassing. And she's never let me hear the end of it.
Ah, yeah.. I know. 
Okay. Thanks.
What?
If that's Rushdie, they're real.
Oh, what's the difference, you don't go out that much.
Satisfied?
Where I go? You mean she was asking me to wear this ridiculous shirt on national TV, and I said 'Yes'?!
George was right. Didn't take you long.
Where's the Mohel?
Okay. 
Not everybody likes everybody! 
... and a black and white cookie, for me. Peace!
So she tought I did it to get back at her 
I'm a good printer.
You won't.
By the way, lunch is on me. I just cashed my Nana's birthday checks.
What is his stand...on abortion?
Kramer, y'know, guys like you, with no conscience, don't know what it's like for guys like me. I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider people's feelings.
You really used to have a think full head of hair.
Well, that's it. Look, I'm going to Vermont. I don't want to think about this. I'm selling.
I don't know how I'm going to tell him.
That'd be the fleas. 
Oh, don't tell me. 'Cause he's black?
Ah, you're out of your mind.
Fred?
What are you talking about?
All right. All right. Don't panic. Let's just think about it. Get the Ross's out of the apartment. That can't be so hard. Wait a minute. Wait a second. Wait a second! You know, Kramer's been driving that hansom cab.
so what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzones?
But you were supposed to get me a refund. 
That's not going to be good for anybody.</font>
(trying to shut the trunk hood) Something wrong with this trunk.
Oh, man!
Well, Mrs Hamilton, it's certainly nice that you and Valerie patched things up, so we could all get together like this. Where is Valerie?
Kind of. Nice limp, you're bringing your work home with you?
Hello?
She's even got that old Mattel football game that we love!
He looks like a Peanuts character.
Nodding off...
(Stern on George) Not underpants.
He can have a donut,
OK, just a second lets not lose our heads here. Kramer you know you are always welcome in my home but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned, that's another story.
Oh you wanna switch? I'm sleeping on a love seat. I've got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule.
I don't know, regular human time?
I was lying, give it to me!
No. 'These pretzels are making me thirsty.'
It's a woman in your room. So go ahead.
Bad rap?
But you can't act.
Your off-Broadway play.
She will tell her. She's going back to work. I talked her into it - how stupid was that? (Changing subject as they both collect money to pay for the check) Hey, so, Susan's father took that news pretty hard, huh?
You need a little pioneer spirit. You know, you don't have any of that Lewis and Clark in you.
What?
Yeah, so she and 'Triangle Boy' can go out to fancy restaurants. (takes a sip of water)
(Stunned:) No, keep it. (Elaine enters the apartment) Hey what happened to you? You buzzed five minutes ago.
Ah, she kinda calmed down. I talked to her today. In fact I'm gonna see her tonight. 
(disappointed) Oh, Hi, hi.
. . . HE ended it?
Did I?
I'm just saying there's a chance she may not have been enamored with your thoughts and feelings on manure.
You know what? The hell with this party, I don't even want to go to begin with. (Kramer enters.)
Hi, is Sandy here?
Did you know he was so worried about losing more hair if he had to get chemo treatment, I bought him an unlimited gift certificate at the Hair Team For Men, just to put his mind at ease?
Shake is bad, but what if it's the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?
I guess.
We don't understand death. And the proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow. And, uh, I mean, hey, you know. I think if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don't see how bedding accessories really make the difference. I mean, they got the guy in a suit with a pillow. Now, is he going to a meeting, or is he catching forty winks? I mean, let's make up our mind where we think they're going.
You said that?
Oh. Let me ask you, when someone is lying, is it true that their pants are actually on fire?
(muffled) There you go.
He asked me to. We were getting along.
Hey!!! 
Well... there's a little bit of a problem.
Hey, I had nothing to do with it.
Wow!
Oh that's George. (presses the intercom button) Yeah?
Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it?
(offering a plate) Chicken?
Th..the jacket, it's not here. It's gotta be here somewhere.
I just met her, she's incredible.
That Pam! I am ga-ga over her!
I sit here for twenty lousy minutes in the morning--
Forget it! The pilot was awful. It failed.
You can't make it?
Where is this coming from? She's great!
I can't go if you're mad.
(into phone) Hello, Jenna, did you dunk the spatula? Was it the spatula? Hello? Dammit!
(Crying) What--what is this salty discharge?
You'll never say that to her face.
I'm counting your shrimps. OK, Who's gonna do it?
That seems about right.
Hey, there's the soda guy.
Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations.
That's my cockney accent.
No thanks, they look like they came out of a cereal box.
Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss Benes as I've heard this story a number of times.
You're not going to open with that, are you?
Let me explain to you what you just did. There are literally hundreds of people trying to get pilot deals with them this year. They go with maybe, five. Okay, if we pass, that's it. They go to the next show.
Because, HE'S my directions.
Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean anything to me. (Faint) I don't care about that. 
No.
I'm not sure. (The sounds of Russell vomiting emanate from the bathroom. Jerry and George sit there uncomfortably.) What was that dish he said he had...?
But you're going to have to go get em. I'm not carryin' them all.
Well, I gotta know - I'm talkin' to Sidra.
Meryl Streep?
But, I - I didn't know what she was talking about. I couldn't hear her!
He's late already.
You were very nice! 
I don't think that's the kind of thing you wanna hear about your father. But I'll tell you when he came out of that bathroom and he was kneading that dough, it was a wild scene. 
Uncle Leo, wait!
Yes, George. I'm kind of wondering myself. What is it what you want?
How do you know?
No.
yeah, yeah.
I...am not taking it.
It's partially you, yeah.
George, George!
I gotta get a suit cleaned, I have a funeral on Friday.
You see what's going on here? You're attracted to him because he can't remember anything about you.
I didn't see anything.
Well, Kramer'll take them around for a while.
Hey look, there's a spot right in front.
Oh, I see. So, you put up a sign so you can do whatever you want? You're not a part of society. 
Why don't you get someone else from the office to go get Pisano's for you?
What are you, crazy? I don't want to see this guy again.
So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo? 
(To Assistant) Maybe he doesn't like them. That's possible.
Look Kramer, i-i-if I'm gonna live over there, y-y-you gotta take some of this stuff out. I mean this thing is really freaking me out (holds up a ventriloquist dummy). I feel like its gonna come to life in the middle of the night and kill me.</font>
I was out.
Okay.
Oh come on. That's genetics. That's not going to happen to me.
What happened?
(giggling)
Kramer called you?
You can do that.
(Disgusted. To the woman) Oh, come on. You know he's a postman, don't ya?
Wow! that's incredible......But you don't draw.
(Getting up) Uncle Leo. Hello!
...but not at Dinky.
Oh, no don't say that. You'll jinx me.
Why shouldn't I go here?
I want that number!
Convulsing?
Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple striking Newman between the third and forth rib. The spit then cam off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, Pauses In mid air mind you- makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic luggie.
Me?
Okay, fine. We'll use Newman.
(backs his story) Hmm, hmm.
I guess he failed to see the humor in it.
Yeah, me too.
You mean Florence Nightingale. **
A little white dog?
Oh I got a date with Laura the lineswoman. 
In the one minute he worked on me I could tell he was really good. 
Yeah, but I'm a little uncomfortable. I'm afraid of making another mistake. 
Fine all done, just looking for the soap. 
Ya, I could see that.
No, no of course not.
My honest opinion, I think she made it up.
Hey, so where's my sneakers?
I would except I forgot to bring a towel.
Yeah. Oh, I can't wait to talk to this guy. (moves to pick up phone)
Right.
You mean stakeout the lobby?
I-I have to say something. With all due respect, I just never- I can't imagine anyone in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie... but that's me. Alright
Two Forty-Five.
I can't blame you. I can't believe she never called you back.
Really.
Oh, look at that. I'm almost outta Klondike bars.
Don't you find it odd that as soon as he leaves, the couch gets stolen? Maybe he's setting me up!
Hello, this is Jerry Seinfeld. Is Elaine there?
Uh, no uh, someone offered Harold and Manny five thousand for the apartment. I'm sure they'd just as soon give it to you, but you'd have to come up with that money.
And she said 'Yes'?
What?
Yeah, me too.
That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes for this, okay...
(to Kramer) Thanks for that four a.m. wakeup call last night. (frustrated) Where the hell is that jacket?
You can go with Kramer
Yesterday. Six-ish.
An' then when you come home at night, you're always exhausted--we never do anything anymore!
Alright. (Hangs up)
So, you play tennis?
There's nothing wrong with my career!
You seemed a little mad.
No. Could be anything. The whole apartment's a biohazard.
This is horrible! I care!
Hey, George! 
Hey, have you heard the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and the doughtnuts and--
All right!
Lets hear yours.
What is wrong?!
I'm coming down.
We're lucky they're even interested in the idea in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, hey maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no idea, more money!?
We make all these plans - this idiot goes a hundred miles an hour - the whole weekend's over - incredible - just like that -
(Smiling, nodding) Sure, Saturday night. 
What? So what? It's a nipple. A little round circular protuberance. What's the big deal? See everybody's got them. See I got them.
Gasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off?
Yeah, the Immigration guy said his Visa was expired. Poor Babu, everything was going so well for him. He had an apartment, he had a job. What a shame.
Ah. You know, 'primavera' is Italian for 'spring.'
Yeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact you should see this house keeper he's got. She's from Senegal [and, ala Carson] Wild, Wild, Stuff...
All right.
Ah, she's okay.
I - I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV! I mean, look at it! It looks ridiculous!
I don't know why he asked me to be the Godfather. We're not even that close of friends. Just cause we're on the softball team, I'm the pitcher, he's the catcher he thinks we have a special relationship?
It has nothing to do with her sister. 
Even if you're not gonna soap up, at least pretend for my benefit. Turn the water on, do something. 
Oh! So you were swimming in the pool, and you wanted some gum.
Well, you should probably ask, because if he's gonna be coming over with those Paccino's pizzas...could be trouble.
No.
Well, whaddaya wanna do here?
Well, he can't kill me, right?
Well, Guatamala...
So, how's everything going?
Remember the guy who pretended he had cancer so O would buy him the toupee?
That's God's plan. He doesn't really want anyone to get together.
Are you kidding? People love it. There's something about the clip clop, clip clop. They're nuts for it.
...When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana...
Poppy seeds!
Well, it doesn't look exactly like her.
So, anybody leaves anything here, you can just take it? You have a license to steal? You are like the James Bond of laundry? 
No. I never had a job.
What if I didn't do it right?
How is it a write off? 
So you saw Bania's act?
You had a date? You went out with my butler?! Who said you could go out with my butler?!
And one other thing, I don't want Newman using my...</font>
An assembly?
Uh, good.
Oh no, not you too?
Oh, nothing. (still giggling)
Patty won't call me back. I don't know if I can live without her.
Yes, I'm fine.
Oh, like he's not just carrying you! And has been for years!
You can't do that. Well, maybe Kruger wasn't the place for you.
What are you talking about.
What, your sad little horsies, the house with the little curl of smoke, the sunflower with the smiley face. the transparent cube... (as she leaves)
Me? What about you?
(Trying to explain) Uncle Leo, I'm sorry. I didn't know about your.. past.
Anywhere in the city?
You'll sense it.
They're nuts with temperature.
I don't know, I'm trying to help you.
What happened to your head when you got hit?
(looking at the paper) Wow, a letter from Nina!
L.A.?
Nothin' What do you want?
(Getting up) Alright, big work day.
All right, but then we gotta get some work done. Let me just call Kramer, see if want anything. (Calls) Hey, we ordering Chinese food. If you want anything-- (Kramer enters quickly) let me know what it is and I'll order for you.
I will, Babu! I will help you, Babu, don't worry!
Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton. **
Very good
Snowball? You were afraid of Snowball?
Good idea. (Jerry calls Barry's office)
Why? (George fiddles with the lock on the door.) Well what are you doing? 
Yeah.
No I don't see it. 
No, me either.
Oh sure like Monet.
What tee?
(answering) Hello?
What do you mean?
So the roommate laughed at everything I said.
Why not?
I'm just saying..Alright.
So I know this guy. I'm getting all my sneakers at a discount now.
Two o' clock.
What?
No.
Alright, well what if we say...
'What about the Velvet Fog ?'
I know.
You're gonna have gorgeous kids.
(to Ramon) Oh. Okay. (to Elaine) Wh, what is he doing here?
Me.
Yeah.
You just met the guy yesterday.
(pause) It's your third day..
(To Assistant) I'll get you a Chuckle. You want me to get you a Chuckle?
Oh no.</font>
(Saddened) Doesn't look like it's gonna happen.
Not for me, I love chatting.
So you're okay with everything?
Yes, that is a definite possibility.
No, last one. Listen, you gotta help me out. Elaine and Puddy just broke up, he's treatin' me just like a regular customer, now! 
Yeah. It's in your closet.
Well, what happened? Was she there?
That's the worst cockney accent I've ever heard in my life.( George enters) Hey! Georgie boy , guess what I got.
So where are they already, it's a quarter to twelve, they should be back by now, what did they do?
I never should have taken his keys away. But he drove me to it! I had no choice! He wouldn't take 'em back. Elaine, you saw it, remember? I said, 'Take the keys back.' He wouldn't do anything. You saw it, didn't you see it?
Well, I think you're wrong.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.
Goodnight. (She gets out. Jerry leans forward, adding) Not just a good night - a great night. (She shuts the door, he waves) 
Everybody's got them.
Yeah.
Oh yeah. He's good. You know he's John Ritter's cousin.
Yeah. You don't want coffee or anything do you?
They're making these?
Well maybe in hardball with all the signals and everything but I'm just lobbing it in. We don't have any conferences. He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me.
You know a chef who doesn't wash is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help, he wants to get caught. 
Boy, you can really talk some trash. (to George) I guess that's better than eating it.
Aaa. Well ... you want something to eat, don't you?
Hey, hey.
Do you wanna flip a coin?
I mean, she called me. I haven't called her. She started it.
Oh, yeah, he had to take his mother to the chiropodist.
Elaine, I need you to do me a big favor. I need you to go down to the Diplomat's Club and meet Bridget for me. I'm going to be late.
No, car accident. He was trying to adjust his toupee while he was driving and he lost control of the car.
Well, when I heard you weren't coming I made up and excuse and got the hell out of there.
What about Susan?
...You bite it, you bought it.
Why don't you just get rid of it?
Oh, well, that's at the cleaners.
Come on. Let's go. 
People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.
Write it off what? 
I told you, it's like getting beaten with a bag of oranges.
Because he's my butler.
I understand. But what am I gonna talk about for two hours?
(nervous) What?
You know what's good for that? Relish.
Oh all right, this is really dumb, really stupid. We've been doing this silly, dumb voice.
I don't know what's happening to me.
I understand.
By flying half way around the world?
Where did you see that? Those are private!!!
The woman's movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world of bribery, can they?
What do you care? You don't believe in hell.
(Following Leo out the door) Uncle Leo, wait! Hello?!
Okay.. Fifty-fourth and Sixth?
I never said I'd do that.
How about that guy writing a check for 19.45?
Oh yeah, urinals are fun. Can I go?!
You don't drink.
Again
(reading note) Oh my god!
We're doing fine. How are you?
Oh! Taht's judgment. Yes, yes. Judgment with earrings on. Yeah.
(thumbing through his mail) Uh oh.
I'm not sure, but I think she was nice. (takes a sip of water)
He's like a squirrel.
Yes, I'd like to speak to Barry Prophet, please.
Oh, uh, do you want to come with us? 
Enzo picked up one of my hairs off the floor. 
Oh no. That was the dry heaves. 
None.
Well he's from the impressionist school, you know like Monet, Manet, Tippi Tippi Dayday.
Newman! She went out with Newman!
Uncle Leo!
So all my sneakers are gone?
It was a great sounding laugh too, kind of lilting and feminine--none of those big coarse 'ha's.' You know those?
So you're telling me, because you're getting free parking, I gotta pretend this guy had cancer when he didn't?
Heeeey!
Okay.
Oh yeah, right.
Depends on how nice the person was. But you gotta figure, even Oswald took forty-five minutes.
So she didn't get the messages.
I admit it. I don't watch it.
I came to pick you up.
I have no idea.
Pinkish hue?
He's the pool guy.
Hello Newman.
The cleaners? How did it get there?
Kramer's cooking up some corduroy.
(talking to Beth on the phone) Could you put him on, I'd love to say hello.
A barren, sterile existence that ends when you die?
Well. (calling down the hall) Call if you're gonna be late!
Kramer, aren't you taking any medication for that?
Definitely. Well, goodnight.
Are you just screwing with me?
Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? No. No! No! No!! No!!! Thank you. (Hangs up.) I don't believe this. They've added Bania to the network showcase and he's going on right after me.
They're behind my skis and my tennis racket.
You didn't get my papers?
Oh! Is that the bald stuff?
Oh my god.
Wait, I got another call. That must be him. [clicks over] Hello?
Huh?
Yes we will.
Let's go.
(Out of it) Yeah, good morning. 
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, can we get off of this?
(Like a little kid) But, I don't want to be a pirate!
Don't they have any closer friends. They're level jumping on our friendship.
Jodi. 
We haven't spoken. 
Fulton's wife told me it's all my fault. She said since my visit he's taken a turn for the worse.
Yeah, you know it's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could have been normal.
All right.
It's good to see you.
Y'know what? This is not that bad an idea.
Okay, fine. (Jerry takes a coin from his pocket.) This is the official flip. No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and that's it. Agreed?
(thinking) Oh God. Get me out of here. What a mistake. What made me think this would work? And I've still got another day! I've got nothing left to say. Wait... wait... Got one. (to Vanessa) That's a nice watch. Do you wind it?
I'm a nice guy.
What about Elaine?
Yeah! it's all taken care of. 
Right, I don't want Bridget to think I stood her up. I'll never get another date with her. She'll freak out.
The one Puddy screamed at in the car?
Nah, he didn't make it.
Yeah. Me.
Beautiful!
Thank you.
Wait, where are you going? Don't take your dolly and go home.
Hi.
You don't even know what a write off is. 
He just thinks that anything that dissolves in milk is funny.
Superfreak?
Who?
I don't know, Mrs Hamilton. That doesn't sound...
No, it's not you. It's your stomach, he's taking with this funny, booming, jovial voice. (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.
That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora.
I don't need a personal trainer. (Kramer comes in) all right I've got to go, we'll talk about this later.
True. You mean, for you?
Especially when you got a layover in Sarajevo. (Bosnia Herzegovina)
No,no I tought the show was terrific. I was just wondering if you have to keep saying Jerry Seinfeld is the devil.
So you do live here.
So it's more of a relationship problem than the final destination of your soul.
Alright.. Sixty-fifth and Tenth.
I don't know how I feel about it.
It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you substract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers)
So you started drinking.
Back and to the left Back and to the left
This is amazing, you can't believe this!
Hey, your friend Mike's outside, he wants to talk to you.
Excuse me, what?
Alright, two hundred, but that's as high as I can go. I really think you're being unreasonable here!
Well this is interesting.
Well you said they could come and take the records.
Yeah, I think you would.
(to George) It was a wonderful reading.
Hello, Charles.
Out of town?
I think he knew. 
(answering phone) Hello? Rachel, ya uh no they're back.
Wait'll you get to know him.
No. It isn't and the most distressing part of it is, not that she went out with him but that HE stopped seeing her. Do you understand? He, Newman; Newman stopped seeing her. Newman never stopped seeing anybody. Newman will see whoever is willing to see him. Not so much why she did see him as disturbing as that is. But why, did HE, Newman, stop seeing her?
Nana's missing?
Mom and Pop aren't even a Mom and Pop?!
Well you've really built yourself up into something.
Yeah.
Well I don't like it. I don't like it one bit! And, I'm supposed to see him tomorrow.
You know, if the situation were reversed and Manya had some mah-jongg championship or something, I wouldn't expect her to go to my funeral. I would understand.
But what about the messages?
The poly?
C'mon, that's not fair!
I know. I was just...
Well...actually, we kind of broke up.
Do me a favor. Just stick around while he's here.
And, best of all, it's a Cadillac.
(irritated) Great.
Oh, I don't wanna talk about it..
You're gonna fight?
No. That's what makes it such a humorous situation.
Well don't get too comfortable. As soon as Seth gets a real job you two are gong back in that chicken supernova.</font>
(Takes the bottle from him) Just swallow 'em.
(Fed up) Alright! Excuse me! (Gets up) I'm not buying any of this!
What?
I don't think it's that bad.
I can't believe how much we did this afternoon. I have friends who this would've be their whole life.
Oh, like what, Ovaltine? Why do dogs drink out of the toilet? Shopping carts with one bad wheel?
The show was cancelled. There was a blizzard.
Where you goin'?
Well, where is she?
Maybe you're getting' a raise.
Boy, he took it hard.
Oh, hold on. [clicks back] It's George, he just got home.
Nice looking Lugar.
No, what'd you say?
Buyer beware.
I just said that.
Right now.
She's not there. She's doin' her wash. 
Nothing.
(yelling) Yes I told him the Packyderm story!
Well, here we are...
Gee, I never thought of that.
Well I'm glad it's working out.
This is my friend George.
I dunno. Hard to say.
(to the phone) Hi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you get this before you- Oh, Hi. Joel... Oh, you just came in... Listen, I can't make it to the game tonight... I, uh, have to tutor my nephew... Yeah, he's got an exam tomorrow... Geometry... You know, trapezoids, rhombus... Anyway, listen, you take the tickets. They're at the Will-Call window... And I'm really sorry... Have a good time... We'll talk next week... Okay... Yeah, I don't... Fine.. Fine... Bye.
Well, that's good.
(excited) Oh, my little airplane lamp.
She'll be furious.
Elaine's thing? How you gonna get in?
I am a little freaked out!
Well, that's what you get for getting mixed up with a face painter.
Jack.
Yeah.
No. I don't. 
No more mentor?
(shocked) Your husband?!
Hey, how's life on the road?
Valerie's not coming over, is she?
No it's...
Why are you calling my parents?
What about your sea sickness?
I know but I thought that maybe you could mention how I apologized then encouraged you to stick with it.
You live on this floor?
Maybe you can strike one up with the prince of darkness as you burn for all eternity.
Alright, alright.
Stay on Biscayne.
First of all you don't even know technically that I went. That's for starters. I mean I could've been pouring a bottle of water out there. You don't know.
 You're beautiful.
So how was it?
I am saying that the spit could not have come from behind ... that there had to have been a second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claimed that would have caused your head to pitch forward.
Is there a box spring?
Listen to this: 'I don't know what you expect to find out there, Jerry, you know what you want better than me. But there's one thing I do know. I know I can stand here watching you destroy everything I've ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with my fists, because you won't make even the slightest effort to offer happiness and still know that I love you. You mean so much to me that I'm will-ing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity.'
What blankets?
Kramer, do you realize what's going on here? Do you know why you're here?
Look, I happen to know how much that watch cost. It's a sixty dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred dollars. I'm offering you two hundred!
It's a letter from the Immigration Bureau, it's Babu's Visa renewal application form. They must have put it in my mailbox by mistake.
Another ending?
No. Why don't you buy it? You got 1,900 dollars.
Why don't you start in the bedroom?
South America?
Let's get the check. (Waves in the air) Is this uh considered signing? Do you do this when you want the check? 
Hello, Newman.
Who do you know? He knows my hair. 
What are you doing here? 
Hello. 
Uh haha ya well uh I'm sorry too I'll call you later, ok bye (hangs phone up)
Did you knock her over too, or just the kids?
Oh, check it out. I guarantee you've never seen anything quite so objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left. (Rachel walks down hall, walks in on George changing out of his swimsuit)
No, there's less.
I've been thinking about her, I just cashed some of her checks.
(pointing at TV) Hey, that's her!
Well, one cannot help[ but wonder what brings you into a crummy little coffee shop like this.
And the worst part of course is that she also possessed many of the other qualities prized by the Superficial Man.
Why didn't he tell me?
All right, now you call it in the air.
(thinking) Well, the drive home should be a delight. I'm speeding the whole way. Let them throw me in jail. I don't care. (to Vanessa) That's the manager? Do you want me to see if we can get another room?
No, c'mon Kramer. (crossing to Kramer) Gimme that picture.
Alright, well. Just, start again, then.
Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit. She eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat Corn Niblets. But she scooped them.
Ray, I had a statue in my house. You were in my house ' and then I saw it in your house.
I'm just glad it's outta here. (Elaine exhales deeply - getting over the scare of the doll. She moves into the apartment) What's that? (Pointing to a rolled up poster Elaine is carrying)
Somehow? You've had an hour and twenty minutes sleep in three days!
Elaine, a guy'll say anything to get a woman.
Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait a second! Where you goin'? I-I hardly ever see you anymore.
Alright, sit down, sit down. (Grabs a pill from the bottle, and starts advancing tward Kramer - like an owner with his dog)
You know, this is liek that Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up, and he's the same - but everyone else is different!
This is quite a condo.
No the stools go over there.
Eh, what?
You think that's funny?
You don't understand. I went on a successful pocket diet, and I want to keep that weight off.
Leo's furious. (He stops in his tracks when he sees Elaine looking at George's book) What is that doing on the table?
Well, she's here. She just didn't get around to it.
Why is it so difficult, uncomfortable, to be naked. It's because when you have clothes on you can always kinda make those little adjustments which people like to do ... you feel like you're getting it together, yeah, yeah pretty good (pulling at lapels, pockets etc.) feeling good looking good But when you're naked it's like it's so final you're, Well that's it. (no movements) There's nothing else I can do. That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked. Cause I feel it gives me something, I know I'm naked, but you know, (tugging and lifting belt) I like to get pockets to hang off of the belt that would be, wouldn't that be the ultimate? To be naked and still be able to do this (hand in pocket) I think that would really help a lot.
Yes I am skeptical.
(on the phone) Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance at one twenty nine west Eighty-first Street, apartment five-A.
Alright, I'll call you back as soon as I'm done.
Oh, you didn't see it.
Karma Kramer?
So good for you.
You and me.
(Over the top) Yes, I'm proud to say I did! 
Nooo.
Towards what end?
Boy, if I could meet a hostess, we could open up our own place.
Loni Anderson.
I know. I'm really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some kind of excuse rolodex.
Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time.
That's her! She's here!
But you know as soon as she gets in the apartment she's going right for that machine.
Yes. Melrose Place.
All right, but you have to go now.
Gotta support the team.
Let me take a guess. She cried and you caved.
Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time.
Ahh, I uh, I don't like to talk about it.
Hi Doris.
George what the hell are you doing over there? I told you to mind your own business now stay out of my affairs!
What?
I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back. 
Well at least you and I are okay again.
I got your message, (sitting) so I came straight from Atlantic City.
(explanation) He's new around here.
No, no. I have to be very careful here. I don't want to send the wrong message. Especially after the other night.
I don't doubt it.
No...
Hey, we're kind of in the middle of something here. Would you mind coming back later?
Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.
Why here?
I don't know if they have land guys.
You got a little shmootz there (picks something on her sweater)
(arriving at apartment, sees Phil start to open his apartment door, only one door down from Kramer's) So you live right... there.
A mental institution?
Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done.
Oh really, do you? Well it just so happens that I did pour water out. I had a bottle of very tepid water and I poured it out. And I could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out sounds very much like a person urinating.
 Alright. (Approaches host)  Excuse me, this is your party, right?
Good thing the cleaning lady was there.
But that is not what they would have you believe.
Is there a box spring?
I don't know, whatever they do.
Kramer, you've been arrested as a serial killer!
(To himself) Salsa, seltzer. Hey, excuse me, you got any salsa? No, not selzer, salsa. (George doesn't react) What's the matter?
Aww, right. Three hundred, plus fifty for the repair. Three fifty, that's it!
(answering machine) Leave a message. I'll call you back. Thanks.
If you had given me my mail last week when I got home, this whole thing never would have happened.
Maybe we should go.
I will.
You know, you should just go back to the optical store and ask Dwayne if he knows the name of the owner of the dog.
I'll call back, thank you. (hangs up the phone) He went to South America!
Really. I know a sign, that's my first sign. 
Okay, okay. 
Kramer! (tries to hide he's upset and jealous) 
Really? Her mother.
No it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil.
Have you ever spent any time with these people...?
(smiling and excited) Well, here we are.
Ah, you know you have a hole in your sneaker there. What is that canvas?
So as you can see, I've got a bit of a problem here.
I don't think I can be that nice.
This is Laura.
No no.
So, I guess you don't find the separate faucets for the hot and cold, charming?
(throws up his hands) Alright, fine. Put my picture up. What do I care?
Right.
Yes. That's what was so vexing.
How'd you find out?
What am I saying?
What the hell are you doing there?
Not from the footage I've seen.
Oh. (Intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it) Yeah?
Alright. I just hope I can get it to the Friars Club before the show.
What kind of pie are you cooking?
The Bizarro coffeeshop?
C'mon. Just sit down!
They were all like that!
The crepe place?
Oh yeah, Sfuzi? I- I've gotta do that.
You like Bania's act. You're a closet Bania fan!
You ever heard of a little thing called feelings?
You know why I'm selling it. I hate it.
Not more of that crap from the Titanic?
(Pointing) I'm not eating anything in the vicinity of that book.
You don't mean here?
(CONT'D) And you know when you think about it it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity. That's all it is.
(To Elaine) It's an ambulance. (To the operator) I don't know but he's unconscious.
Of course. [clicks back to George] Yeah, go ahead.
Get together?
(reading on) '...'cause that's what you need to do to prove I'm not going to leave you. I'm sick and tired of running from places and people and relationships. You want me, that fight for me, becau-'
I heard you say something, there.
What are you repeating everything I'm saying?
Alright.
(Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles) Master of my domain. But I will tell you this: I am going over to (Gestures to the nudist) her apartment, and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down! 
So Mr. Fields I just don't know if this arrangement is--
Yeah, I liked him.
Hey. The butler's here.
Give me another shot!
It was an accident. I'm going to talk to him.
I think Chemical Bank.
Is she?
Where ya goin'?
What, there's something wrong with Loni Anderson? (pause) Hey listen, thanks again for running over here. I appreciate it.
Okay.
Yeah... Because they would be very demanding people.
I know, and then you say to yourself, 'From this moment on, I'm not gonna waste any more of it.' But then you go, 'How? What can I do that's not wasting it?'
There's nothing to it. You lift the lid, it comes right out.
Well I do.
Hm.
I live and breath my friend. . . . I live and breath.
Hey, salad's got nothin' on this mutton.
Hey. So, ah, Ramon this is my friend Elaine.
Ah, it's just money.
Ate? What? What the hell are you talking about? Now you listen to me, you get out of that apartment this instant. If you screw this up for me I swear....
I once told a woman that I don't eat cake 'cause it goes right to my thighs.
Well, I did the best I could.
Still no luck 
(Pleading) Really, gentlemen, please.
Why?
(flexing his fingers) Sorry. My hand is numb.
(extemporising) Well, I can't stay under my own name. I was registered under Slappy White.
(walking away) Well, I didn't sleep with her.
No, no. You can't get her anything better than me. Whatever I spend, you have to spend half.
What's this?
Excuse me, Mother?
Stop, stop. This isn't right. What about Valerie?
(Screams) GET OUT!
Ok...
(Trying to change the subject away from Nina) Hey - Hey Kramer, what are you doing? You want to borrow something? You want to eat something? Come on in!
What a surprise.
So I guess I'll s--
...so we were just kinda wondering if it was possible for you to write us a note, and if you can't, believe me, it's fine.
What's so special up here?
Wait 'til I tell him about the book.
Make sure you get this area here, where he needs the help....
 Can I use your phone?
You mean to tell me if I had put that drink six inches over to the right, and none of this would have happened.
Is that a sectional?
Yeah, he's a real phony.
Tuck in, tuck in.
Well, yeah...sure.
You sure? You look a little pale.
Yeah, I think I do.
Yeah, so am I being funny now?
No, it isn't. I can find out.
Let's do it.
He didn't get to finish it. His uncle came in. We almost got caught. 
Hey Mick.
You probably couldn't see because of the smoke.
It was my fault, I told her the wrong door.
Well, if it isn't Mr. Blackwell.
Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.
How did you stay on that beam like that? (holds up hand) I mean, it's only this wide!
George, George, hang on. I haven't seen you in so long.
Can't be done, huh?
Gary?
(to Laura) I can't believe you're here.
Well, what do you want to do this afternoon?
(to Elaine) Where have you been?!
What? I said right.
Yeah, well, I didn't- Is that something you want to borrow?
What?
What do you mean?
George!
No. No thanks.
Oh, did you bring the bar-b-que sauce?
(to Kramer) Hey.
I read.
Sit down! Sit down!
(doubtful) There's crepe money?
You mean they're actually doing the fitted hats? Cool.
Sure.
Oh, I'm gonna puke.
Porn quotes... I'm so lucky to have a friend like you, George. Ever tell you how much I love you?
Two.
Drawer.
I'm not carrying a purse.
You know this is not the first time this has happened to me. I always carry water because of my condition. It dehydrates me. It's a vicious cycle.
Kramer.
You can tell me, I'll vault it.
The sad thing is we may never know the real truth.
No one's ever written me a letter like this. Maybe I was wrong about her!
I'm calling Kramer's mother. (Picks up the phone, dials.) (To Elaine) I don't know what you said. But it was something. I heard something. Hello? Hello, Mrs. Kramer? Mrs. Kramer? Could you turn the music down? Could you turn the music down!
Well George is an idiot.
(under his breath) This is unbelievable.
(Reading from his notebook) I got: You enter, you go 'Hi', and I go, 'Hello.' Now.. we need something here..
I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give! 
I can't listen to anymore of this, the guy's losing a lung in there. (Russell's daughter Molly enters.)
I'm not sending him to your house.
Another shot, I want another shot.
Who goes to South America?
She reads lips. 
I did it for you.
No,, but thank you.
Why does he want to hold a rope underneath Woody Woodpecker in the Thanksgiving Day Parade?
Ooh yeah, the bags, sure. 
I'm a little nervous.
Tails!
Where do you want to go?
What?
Well maybe I was a little embarrassed.
Hm.
tes, it's very difficult. Few men have the constitution for it. That's why breakups take two or three tries. You gotta build up your immunity.
I wish I could take credit for it. It's actually the line my butcher uses when we're chewing the fat. How about that beautiful desk over there? (hides meat in napkin in jacket)
So, ah, what are you doing around here Ramon?
Oh, I don't know, play it by ear. Why?
(louder) Hey!!
What are you talking about?
There's no Zorn or Zoutraph. 
I can tell you what to do.
(weary) Yes, George, because of society. So how did the big meeting turn out?
You don't understand. I'm in a very delicate position. Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it.
Isn't that some kind of safety thing?
Sister, right. Do you know when Father Curtis has office hours?
(leaving hurriedly) Wuhh...
No body said you're fat. He's a loving character, like the Kool-ade guy.
Fine...
Is he wretchedly poor? Does he wear one of those barrels with the straps?
That book has been on a wild ride. George took it into the bathroom with him and-
What did I just pay for?
Where are you going?
I mean, if you feel funny about it, at all.
 A bigger bill?
What are you saying?
Is that a thick marble?
What, are you nervous?
Yeah!
See, I told you I wasn't funny all the time. (George enters) Hey George, look, I'm not funny now.
I dunno... [they kiss again] *Alright*, I forgive you...
There are ways.
Take the K-man. 
Hmm. So you feel 'women and children first,' in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion.
So what?
And that waist cincher, that was the topper!
Oh, by the way, your stationery store guy called and he's got your pencil.
Well, Kramer thought it would make her happy. (To Kramer) I never should have cashed those checks!
And you can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearin' a cape... Superman wore a cape... An' I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here an' let you say something bad about him.
I thought we might reminisce a little more. You know Duncan and I were just taking about the big race.
'The Switch.'
Is that from my gift certificate?
We cold play 'Sorry!' We cold play 'Steal the Old Man's Bundle.' (Vanessa not amused; Jerry thinking) Maybe I can get an extension cord and hang myself. (to Vanessa) What kind of perfume is that you're wearing?
Well, you know what they say. Lucky in love, Unlucky with fruit.
Oh, you didn't...
But the doorman's gonna say that I was there.
You stuck your hand out, so I shook it. I don't know about a pact. Anyway, you should be happy you're engaged. You're getting married.
So?
Nothing. Listen, I'm sorry, I just -
Well, I...
(Letting her up) Excellent. (To Elaine) So, did you buy that electric toothbrush I was telling you about?
(pause) Oh. Big deal..
(throws out his hands) What does he listen to? The all Desperado station?
Lean your head back. Open your mouth! (Grabs Kramer's head) Open your mouth! Open it! Open it!
(apologetic) Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just wanted to come by and tell you how sorry I was that you hurt yourself.
Hey look at you.
The one with the...(mumbles.)
I love you, George. Come here.
Look, do you really want to buy this thing, or what?
What are they for?
(Threatening tone) So, listen, Puddy. When we first started this deal, I thought things were gonna be different. Now, if you want to play hard ball, I got my friend, George, here, and he can play pretty hard... ball. (Leaving the negotiation to George) George, vein it up. 
Oh.
Happy camper , I don't hear that expression enough.
I'm locking the vault. What?
No. What happened to you?
Should I?
She's drunk out of her mind.
Where are they already?
(Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get out of my way. 
Hi.
Y'know I remember when I was a kid growin up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe-- 'Jerry Jerry Dingleberry', and-hu 'Seinsmelled'...
Wait a minute! It still smells! It still smells!
Because the judge decreed he'd become my butler, not my friend's butler.
Yes!
Yeah, and they come back with things taped to they're large intestine.
I'll see you tonight. (he's opening his door apartment as Kramer comes out of his in a bathrobe) 
You know with all do respect I would think it's right up your alley.
Hey, what's happenin.'
Oh boy...
Hello?
(aside, to George) Now that was an interesting greeting, did you notice that, George?
If I see her, what do I say that I'm doing here in the building?
So what?
We could go to one of those uh cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.
Me? What about you? You brought up the pony.
How you gonna get me up there?
And Billy and Jake and Allison, yes we could have discussed it.
Hm.
She doesn't wanna borrow the money.
Well, at least you probably had some, uh, pretty good make-up sex after.
Ah, actually, I ka, kinda had some things to do.
So you say she was on a horse?
Just put it under your shirt.
Are you okay?
Hey what about Dr. Resnick My Uncle Leo is going to see him tomorrow .
I can tell you what to think.
(Reads the pill bottle) What kind of pills are these, anyways?! 'For Smuckers'? 'May cause panting and loss of fur'? (Turns to Kramer) These are dog pills!
Ah, you're better off. Now you can just let it go.
I think I heard her say something about a bench.
What the hell are you talking about?
Hmm, I really need to speak with him.
No, he's just a little bloated.
No no no no no no no no no no! I do not want that in here!
So when I saw George on the street with an 18 pound turkey and a giant box of wine, I thought: ... What a coincidence. We're just about to eat.
So, when are you giving Boxcar Willie his walking papers?
Koko?
(Trying to get George and Kramer out) No. You three all know each other. There's no point in me getting involved at this stage of the game.
If he does.
You know I hate to raise a crass financial concern but was there any information as to the where abouts of my PAPERS!
 Krame?  Sein.  What are you doing?  Well, I'm stuck out here on Long Island.  What are your thoughts about taking a ride?  You sure?  Okay, but don't leave me hanging here.  Okay, great.  Let me give you directions.
Shouldn't you do something with the extremities?
You're saying something.
STAIRS??? There's no elevator?
Elaine? Are you there? It's me, I'm locked out of my apartment, I need my spare keys. Where are you? I'm at the coffee shop.
Excuse me, fine, you don't want me to tuck, put me down for a no-tuck.
What?
Now, all we gotta do is write it.
Come in, we're taking a break.
No, No, No, No, Oh, No.
Oh look, I need to get in touch with Cheryl. Babu needs a lawyer, his Visa's expired.
I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane.
Uh, Elaine took it to read on the subway. 
Yeah, and Poppie's got problems... 
So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves.
But...
Yes, I poo-poo.
No, he left the store early, made a special trip to the distributor and got it.
I couldn't believe it. Uh, I mean I thought I was entering a 'magical world' of sensual delights, but it was just so ordinary. I mean, there was nothing gymnastic about it.
Yeah.
I wonder.
(through gritted teeth) Yeah, well, I'm glad you could take advantage.
No, what? What kind is it?
Great.
But I don't know if this is gonna work.
You thought I was gonna get married?
I thought they wanted to settle.
This is some FINE mutton.
You don't mind that I got your number off the AIDS walk list?
I can't believe what I'm hearing.
How come? I told you - It's fantastic.
Hey, are you still wearing those things.
(What's goin' on,) like yesterday, I go to the bank to make a deposit, an' the teller gives me this look, like--
I don't want another gig! I'm not doin' this.
All this for a Chuckle.
You know, what you need is a song you can share.
What?
No knock offs. I want the ones like the real players wear.
Ok, ok...
Go wherever you want. I'm still gonna love you.
All right, just get out of here.
Come again?
H-Hey, Kramer, wait up. I'll go with you.
George! Can we focus on the car, here? 
I don't know.
You lost the 20.
I don't read in the bathroom.
I'm right here.
Yeah.
Oh my god, you had sex, how did that happen?
I'm Vandelay Industries?
ALL RIGHT, all right! I'll call her.
Hey, look, there's Bobby Eighteen?s father-in-law, Mr Reichman. George and I were just talking about that today, I can?t believe it! That?s the guy who threw George out of the wedding.
Look, I'm sorry- 
Well every day for the past four days she hasn't returned one call.
Hey, did I make it?
Where's his teeth! Where's his teeth!
Yeah. a-hu. What about you? Did people make fun of your name?
It still smells!
(to Kramer) What are you doing here?
But I don't want to.
Come on! One shot, I can do it, I know I can do it!
Yes, I'm impugning a continent.
(Puts his hand over his mouth) What? 
Who told you to get a massage from her. I haven't gotten a massage from her yet! 
Okay, Latvius was the son of which apostle? And I'll need that in the form of a question. 
oh look at that I got oil all over me. Can I have your napkin? 
Well you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the squeaking and the squealing and...
Bye
Just call me if you hear anything. (hangs up and faces Kramer) Well? I cashed the checks, the checks bounced and now my Nana's missing!
You got a regular 'Manhattan Project' going on over there.
Oh, Hi.
So uh, what do you think?
What do you do?
You didn't call no interference!
We could talk.
Really? That guy who stopped saying hello?
And who makes the switch?
The point is I'm going to be taking this lie detector test and that needle's going to be going wild.
'Wait a second ..Where you wearing those shoes in the cab?'
(noticing Alec Berg walk in, whispers) Hey, Alec!
You didn't have make-up sex? How could you not have make-up sex? I mean that's the best feature of the heavy relationship.
Oh whatta hell is goin'on?!
Ah, just, you know, I don't know. Stuff, I gotta do. (grabs coat and throws it over his shoulder)
Well, here's what I propose. Go down to the stables, snoop around. See if any high-flying cashier's been throwing twenty dollar bills around with big lips.
I'll tell ya what, I'll bring it over. I'll stop by Schnitzer's, I'll come by five after seven right after they leave.
What was that?
Maybe we should call this off. 
He's not that good. 
Oh.
But, he's a dog! You need to see a real doctor.
You never really had the right comeback, anyway.
I don't know, but she mentioned a bench.
Oh. (Adjusts accordingly)
It's mostly water weight.
All right.
Well, let's think. Have you ever dealt with the poor in any other situation?
Well, it's probably the most intelligent ape there is.
He feels funny. You don't have to do this.
So what now?
Well you're not saying nothing you must be saying something.
I'm sorry I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't. It, it's too soon. I don't know you. I can't help you move. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't.
Yeah.
Uh, hang on a second, You know what? Changed my mind, make it a tuck.
This was your idea!
Yeah!
Yeah, but you said this is one of the things that her firm does.
Oh, I'm Jerry.
What!?
How's it doing?
You're right there.
Yeah, well, it's honest.
Oh... You mean... shrinkage.
I don't want to stop her!
Well, what did you do that for? You ordered it.
Well, you know. I mean... I dunno.
They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.
I don't think so.
(thinking) Yeah, that's normal. (to a man nearby) Excuse me, sir. Could I have a look at that business section?
Bender.
Okay.
Did you see that? What kind of a 'hello' was that?
I mean, you love Susan, right?
Then you're in a lot of trouble.
Uh, well, uh the thing is that . . . (Jerry grabs jacket back)
What are you gonna get?
Awright, let's eat already.
I've had yours, I'm telling you - this one is ten times better. Don't you believe me?
(frustrated, to self) The whole system is breakin' down!
We're talkin' federal crime here.
It's a jelly candy. it comes in five flavors.
Okay. So, is there any song that you feel very strongly about?
Could you at least get a hat for me?
Oh my God, George!
No, I'll crab it.
Hose under my sink. I love *you*, Kramer!
OK, fine. 'What do I have to do to put you in this van today?'
Great, I love Newman! (Eagerly following Kramer)
(naked, carrying a belt sander) I found a rough spot on the kitchen floor, I thought I'd polish it up with this belt sander I have here.
Boy, am I glad to see you.
(in his parent's condo, on the phone with Elaine) So did you figure out Darryl's... you know.
Then YOU would be hunched over.
Columbus, Euro trash.
(A NEW TACK) All right, all right. I want to apologize. I was frightened, I said crazy things. I obviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence. The uromysitisis, the water bottle...I made it all up, and now...I'm going to tell you the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating their fiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding anniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together. They are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen.
No kidding?
 I'm sure he'll be here any minute.
You raise the feet, get blood to the head.
At your apartment?
And what is that?
SHOT! (the sound of a shot on the TV is heard) I told ya! (the inter- com buzzes) Yeah?
Georgie Boy! Way to come through with the keys! Sit down, I'm buying you dinner.
Thanks.
Do you remember the curse toast?
Kramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta my way! 
It was a scratch.
Oh, great. That's great. What a night.
Well turn the light on...
I don't know!
Yeah?
Oh friendship... friendship, shmanship .
(Holds his drink up to his mouth) She's not a novelty act, George. Where you hire her out for weddings and bar mitzvas. 
Wa, it's two weeks old. 
Hey, did you talk to the doctor? 
you napkin I'm dripping 
It's your fault!
Well it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers...
Okay. Hi, Poppie.
Yeah, you wanna get that meal, don't you?
Hello, Willie.
Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road. So uh, make yourself at home. (Laura sits down on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt.) So uh, can I get you anything? Uuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing?
You're an architect?
I don't believe this.
Then we'll just sit there.
You talked to him?
Oh, no, no.
I do.
It's too stupid to confess. Look at what I'm confessing to.
'Don't you see what's happened, he couldn't talk , he's wearing these shoes, he's drooling.'
Oh! Hey! 
Who said there's a problem?
In your situation the only sex you're going to have better than make-up sex is if you're dent to prison and you have a conjugal visit.
Turn up the heat in your apartment! (opens a window)
All right.
You went all night?
Well, if it isn't Chesty La Rue.
And what's gonna happen? 
Kind of in the middle of something here, George.
...so if you like to tell jokes, and love to make people laugh, stand-up comedy may be the career for you.
Alright.. (Heads for the door, grabbing his coat)
I don't know.
(sarcasm) Yeah, in my toolshed, next to the riding mower.
Well I should tell you that I'm Jewish.
Mr. Mandelbaum? You're the personal trainer?
... I think. Have some more wine. (Jerry pours his whole glass of wine into her glass.)
Eh, it went okay.
Yellow? I wanted black. 
Hey, George, did you get Joe Mayo that chair yet?
There really was shmootz on I didn't try to grab her
Good. How did you handle that?
Well, everything's goin' great except, basically, I'm payin' for sex.
Roy, should we go? Is this a breach of our friendship?
Can we go out there?
(CONT'D) What I haven't told you, or anyone else for that matter, is that my father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the past fourteen years.
Well why don't you say it?
What car?
I'm tucking! Hello? Hello? They hung up on me. They don't know where Kramer is anyway.
Dont' worry about it. They're just TV executives.
Ah, will you stop it already?
We're here discussing our script with your father.
I know! What are you doin' here?!?
That's the garbage disposal!
Oh, how can you be so sure?
Hello Newman.
Hello.
Hey.
(starts pulling them apart) Alright break it up, break it up. Come on, just cut it out now (Kramer yells)
Honey, what'd you do with the can opener?
Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center, she'll see things differently.
So you feel you were short changed.
Yeah, so do you. (George enters with a newspaper.)
Well, you better go down there and tell this guy. He's very excited.
Well, obviously I prefer not to mention any, you know...
The point is I intend to undertake this. And I'll do it with or without you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get on board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be?
I did. I'm just curious. It's been almost a week. I want to check it out. (He finds the stock.) Six points? (to Vanessa) It's up six points!
I can't get involved in this.
You must have done *something* wrong. You probably screwed up the order. Did you close with the swirl?
You want to spend the rest of your life with her
You better decide, sister. You're on deck. Sheila!
A pawn shop?
(Slightly confused by her behavior) I don't understand this. Why wouldn't you want to get something that's better if I'm telling you it's better? And it's not a little better - it's much better.
Hey.
George?
Witchy Woman?
So Marcelino's going to take down the check?
Mr Mandelbaum, please.
Seven and five eighths
Kramer, look, it's George.
What, did you lose your remote?
You put that in!
I thought naked is good.
You never know.
What a sorry exhibition that was. Alright, let me get the money back.
(as Kramer walks by) You're a master of race relations.
You can't go?
What happened to the jacket. Did he take it with him?
She didn't stay over?
Latex? And what do I do with latex?
Come on up. (to Nina) Well, now we gotta get a posse together. I love a good posse.
Don't feel right? What are you talking about?
Thank you, thanks.
So, can you believe that message? Now I?ve got to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Alright.. (Takes his coat off) 
Don't you think I know the difference between a pick and a scratch?
You got my spot?
Oh... *you*...
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car!
Come on up.
We won't ruin the friendship.
(Puts his napkin over his mouth) I don't know George. I'm not sure about this. 
So what.
All right, the next time you see him show him this. (He presents the bottle of fungicide.) 
I used it up 
You went back to the Jockeys?
I'm sorry about the gift, I didn't know about your condition.
No I haven't?
No, but ah, seen any good movies lately?
Uh, yeah, I think I do.
I don't see architecture comin from you.
I don't wanna win it like this! Elaine, what do you think?
Okay, just hand that over, please.
Right.
I don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine.
Yeah! I got it . It's in the apartment, but we can't go in there it's being fumigated. 
Uh-oh.
All right Ramon, I'm going to get going.
Kramer, are you out of your mind? You got the AIDS walk in like, three hours! You're never gonna make it!
I was chewing gum with Lloyd Braun, and he was bragging about the peepshow you gave him at the Alex.
If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. You're like Lex Luthor. 
Yeah.
How am I gonna fill two hours?
I'm taking the car. I gotta run some errands. You want to go?
I have no idea.
One-Q? Whose apartment is that?
Oh good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Line two?
Yeah, I started out real classy...
(Pleading) George, would you help me, please? 
What?
Get Out of my House!!.
Same situation. Pay him off, and you're clean.
No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seein' a prostitute.
Woodhaven.
I'm Nelson!
 I called, what should I do? (To Jenny) We really appreciate this.
I don't have a washcloth.
What did you say?
You can say what you want about me but I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush.
Yeah who?
Excuse me, um, did you see a piece of paper on the nightstand here earlier today crumpled up like a napkin?
I told you not to come.
Yeah?
How long is this gonna go on?
[forcibly removing G. from the apt] Would you get the Hell out of here!
Look, you idiot, first of all, it's Salman, not salmon!
I am gonna make good use of this! I'm watching every superbowl here, every big fight....
Hey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball!
You collect TV Guide? 
What?
Well, it's not here, it was here yesterday.
The belt-less trench coat. My father invented it.
So, what was the fire? Just a couple of greasy hamburgers?
Well, so what's the difference?
See what?
Hi Julie.
You see, now I really don't want to get into this, any kind of specifics...
George!
I couldn't do it without you.
Okay. (shuts mouth)
You did not tell me not to sell.
I can't believe it. You know better than to get involved with Kramer.
What if she sees me?
'Well...........you know.....'
Oh my god. Yes, you close with the swirl. There's a progression there. I told you to write it down.
We just want to talk to her. We want to apologize and tell her the whole thing was an accident.
So?
What?
I think we should separate here actually.
Come in.
See you later
Actually, yeah. I'm meeting Mulva here in a few minutes.
I can't believe you feel you really need a mentor.
(getting it) Ahh. Wit-chay Woman.
Great! (realizing) What?
I didn't know it was possible not to know that.
Why are you shouting?
It's Lanette! I need an assistant or intern or something.
You want to trade me an undershirt?
Oh, George brought home movies of his boyhood trip to Michigan.
So, uh, what do you feel like eating? Chinese or Italian?
Seinfeld.
Yeah, it's all my father's doing.
So what are calling me six times a day?
You can see it. You gonna walk around like that?
What's taking him so long out there?
The appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal. Get away from the job, camp out, you're with your friends... Come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback.
What is the big deal?
Crazy Joe Divola
..Alright. 
Really...
No.
You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even *Superman* would be helpless against this kind of stench. And I'll take anything I can get for it.
More Pledge! I just bought two cans last week and I don't even have any wood in the house!
Elaine...
(Puts his hand on his chin over his mouth) All right. 
Oh, you don't know what you're talking about.
So you had a good time. 
Not on purpose. I was hoping there would be a name on the tube. When are you seeing him again? 
you know I'd like to hear about this job of yours 
Hi.
(pause as he realizes) Oh, no.
Okay. I'll get it. (Goes into the bedroom.)
All right.
Yeah. Specifically 9:30 shows. Seen any good 9:30 shows at the Paragon, Willie?
Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead.
I never said that I was the architect. Just somethin' else.
Well, I'll tell you what. I'll choose you for it. Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...that's it, you gotta win three.
It's a list of excuses, it's for that guy, Horneck, who's at the game tonight with my tickets. I have that list now so in case he calls, I just consult it and I don't have to see him. (Elaine laughs.) I need it. (Elaine starts writing on the list.) What are you doing?
You said 'you little phony'?
Ah, the lift. Like the lure of the siren's song. Never what it seems to be, yet who among us can resist?
Hey you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, deceptive minds of our time. Who better to advise me?
You see? 
So, George, guess what? Lena found out how I got her number.
Oh, excuse me... Look, Ray, you were the only person in my house.
Maybe it's in the lost and found.
Hello
I wish I could, but, we're friends..
And give you the chance to see some real disappointed kids. (Waitress comes to table)
(Opens the door) C'mon, you wanna go for a ride? (Starts jiggling his keys - as if he's calling out for a dog) Huh? C'mon! C'mon!
Hello.
Forget the bench.
You're pretending to live in a janitor's closet, just to get this flounder?
No, it offends me as a comedian. And it'll interest you that he's also telling Catholic jokes.
(neutral) Fine.
Oh...
I'm sorry, I..
But then I found out about the skin cancer.
Sing it, sister! 
I'd stayed up all night I'd fixed myself up a little before I'd go out.
He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.
40.
Without you? That's the whole reason you came down here.
Alright, alright, I'm sorry. (reading) Nothing's changed, Alma, I just need more time.
(noticing a coffee table book)  Oh, you got the Civil War book.  I saw some of that show, it was wonderful.
You can't put a paper towel on his head.
Yeah?
No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie.
And what do I say about you?
The blond with the blue sweatpants! Yeah, I think I've seen her.
Oh, okay, thanks.
They'll give us water in there.
Phone call? Who knows I'm here?
Oh, man. You know what... they got the fudge on the bottom-- y'see? That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're eatin' your ice cream.
Come on up.
Well, when is that gonna be?
Alright, maybe it is, but listen, I gotta get ready - Sidra's coming over in a few minutes, so if you don't mind...
So where're we eatin'?
Uh Laura, George was wondering if... 
Well what happened?
Yeah, all right. Go ahead. (not very interested) 
(to Mickey) Why does this guy Johnny have it in for you?
I'm looking in the first drawer. It's not here.
By the way, did you see this? (Hands George a magazine)
Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane.
Boy, they really do sound comfortable.
Well... Frankly, I thought, you know, I was gonna kinda' be like the apparatus.
Did I get a head start?
Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!
Fifty years they were married. Now he's moving to Pheonix.
A wuss?
'Not necessarily because.....'
Yeah?
What?
No. So, we're still on to see uh, Firestorm tonight?
I don't know about that. Have you got any floss?
Look Ramon, you're, you're a nice guy. But I, I actually only have three friends. I really can't handle any more.
Oh, hi. Elaine, this is Sally.
Sorry, sorry I'm late.
Yeah. Was that a beauty or what?
Yeah, see ya.
Ah ha...
I think I saw one a coupla doors down.
Not.
That's disgusting.
More heavy gravy?
(Shocked) You're telling me.
No.
No no no, you see the girl there, with the long hair?
Hey, where have you been?
My cousin Douglas was in a place like this one time . He came over to my house for dinner. There was no soda and he went bezerk. He was screamin' 'where's the Pepsi, where's the Pepsi?'
I could read the sports section if my hair was on fire.
That was double overtime.
How long are you suppose to leave it on for?
She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!
Hi Mike. (Noticing George's fedora) Indiana.
First of all, you're not even supposed to have Elaine's keys. You're supposed to give 'em back to her, so she can give 'em back to me, because she has mine. So technically, those are my keys.
What do you mean? Why wouldn't I know his name?
All right, let's go. We don't have much time before the meeting.
She's not there! 
Weight? Naw. Just need some more height.
'Hest'? That's not a name.
Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odour-- you need a *priest* to get rid of this thing!
Oh, don't worry about it. Very talented, very takented young actress.
A half hour, give me a half our.
You call me fatso one more time; you're going to be walking back.
Enjoyed yourself. 
How could you say that? 
you're fine (goes to the bathroom) 
Hi, how are you, Elaine? I'm meeting George here.
Don't you see what's goin' on here???... No boxers, no Jockeys...
(hangs up the phone) Yeah, I really needed that suit.
No Jon Voight Day, huh?
I saw you the other night stepping out with my Hounds-Tooth jacket.
Aw, we can't do it, who are we kidding? It's impossible! It's true! You can't do the Switch! Nobody can do the Switch! It was a stupid idea to begin with! Let's face it. I'm stuck with the non-laugher and that's that!
Hey. Look at you. Wha... what's this?
Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why don't you stay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you, are you doin' anything?
Well whaddaya want me to say, that I just wandered in here?
Odds.
I don't need any more.
This is amazing.
Did you shake it up?
I told you to take it. 
Hello?...yeah, I can be there in 10 minutes...you can count on me! (hangs up)
I did not bail out on you.
A friend of a friend of Susan's.
You know, the way you were wolfing down that popcorn, maybe you ate it.
(excited) Oh, Hi Beth
Good idea. (phone's ringing, goes to it) (muttering) There's a beach towel on the rack.. (to phone) Yeah.
What's your problem.
Hey. How was the Rainbow Room?
No, too relationshippy. She opens it up, she hears that Laura's theme, I'm dead.
(disbelief) So she wanted you to come up, but you left because you thought some guy might be calling you?!
And they're old jokes. I mean, the Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.
(neutral) No problem.
(Stammering) Oh, I, I, think I remember..
Yeah.
(Exasperated) Oh, God... 
some mouthwash, a hat, something.
Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
I don't know what this is.
You sure?
Well, you just need to relax. Maybe a hobby, bowling is fun.
 Thousand.
How you gonna hold it on there?
Come on up.
They're a comedy team.
I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman?
Oh God, it's Joe Devola.
Thank you...
There may have been some incidental penetration. But from her angle she was in no position to make the call.
My whole night's ruined. I didn't do any sets, didn't do any movies...
Consummation? I don't think you have enough material.
Tell her what?
I'm gonna find out tonight.
So I really had a good time. 
What, what, what's wrong with you?
(very disinterested) Hum... ok, what else you got? 
Hey...I'm not stupid. I'm looking in that drawer, there's no can opener.
It's the Leonard Christian article about my show. Plus my gig in Miami got cancelled, I betcha it's because of the article.
Women aren't like us.
I'm working in Atlantic City.
See, again, I really don't feel that...
You satisfied? So you see?
What?
I don't know. They've been in there since, like, World War II. The rent's three hundred a month.
Did you call me a wuss?
'Oh! where's Jennifer today?'
C'mon up. (turns to George) You know what? Do me a favor. Don't even do the move anymore. You're gonna give it a bad name.
I'll pick you up at your apartment. We'll go to the Eight.
. . . Poor bastard.
Do I know you?
That has nothing to do with it.
How was your flight? (Wishful thinking) Pretty uncomfortable?
You know that clothing salesman had a lot of nerve hitting on Elaine right in front of me. He stands to make a big commission too on that jacket with the crest that nobody seems to like. You know what I'm gonna do.? I'm gonna take that jacket back.. I'm putting this guy ....RIGHT OUT OF COMMISSION....
Excuse me.( gets up and opens the door)
No, no, no, it's... 'She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.'
Kramer, cockfighting is illegal.
(quiet) Huh. Alright.
No, because that's...
Actually, the only place she always looked good was in that back booth over there.
Well, actually, we did date for a while, but... it's really not relevant here.
They should update these pieces, nobody rides horses anymore. Maybe they should change it to a tractor.
That'd be great. There's no wrong answer.
It is? Oh yeah, you're right. What else is playing?
Hello.
Well we gotta make a plan before they come back, what are we gonna do?
The blond with the blue sweatpants!
Well, I want those keys. (Tries to grab the keys from George.)
I never told you his name.
Don't worry, he'll be here. Look, we only got about two hours. We just need to come up with one good story so we can get through this meeting. (Buzzer) There's your food.
So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath? 
Uh huh.
I know, I should've asked her.
You see! You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast!
Yes.
What's all this about?
Okay, fifteen minutes. I guarantee you fifteen minutes, I can make it happen!
Wait a second. Maybe there is someway we can tempt him and find out...
All right now you listen and you listen good! (he grabs Kramer's legs and throws him down the couch) 
I was merely speaking extemporaneously. 
just press it 
How do you know THAT?
The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine... Kramer, say it isn't so.
Mm. That's fantastic. (he could care less)
Yeah, it's all swollen. I think I may have chipped a tooth when I fell yesterday.
You need a code to tell you not to wear peoples' clothes
Yeah, sure we will.
You look like a pirate.
Really? What would you like to do?
What is his name?
Good.
(not amused) Very funny.
You are the Queen of Confrontation. You're my new hero. In fact, you've inspired me. I'm gonna call George about something right now.
You gotta shake it up.
Well, You can't go in there it's like a gas chamber in there. 
Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? Twenty-eight hundred dollars?!! That's the estimate on my car?!! No, don't even do anything. I'm gonna think about it. Okay, bye.
Good evening, Rabbi.
Elaine, what are you doing in this neighborhood?
I got the call...!
Why didn't you come up with your own?
Why'd you tell her?!
No, she's a little too cheery for me.
(under his breath) George.
(to drive him crazy) Who is this..
You just can't leave him out there.
Ah.
Nice looking fellow.
(pointing out the obvious) George, you've got Danielle. Forget about Neil. You've out-Neiled him.
Oh, I'm sure you have. They're out on the ocean and, yada yada yada, and she says, 'Those aren't buoys.' (Father starts laughing) Father...
I love you, Costanza.
Well, I'm sure I meant to call.. I probably just lost your..
(To Puddy) I'll be right back. 
Well, so what? You're gettin' a deal, right? We'll split it three ways.
(glances at it) Pretty good.
Ooh.
We'll stay in a hotel tonight.
(to himself: Uh oh. My organs are playing chess again.
 Yes.  (To Jenny)  You're sure there's nothing we can do?
No I didn't.
Well, they're three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot.
I don't think so. Why would I do that?
This guy's a writer, he's a total nut. I think he goes to the same shrink as Elaine.
No I don't want ?em.
Is that so unforgivable? Is that like breaking a commandment? Did God say to Moses thou shalt not pick?
``Rochelle Rochelle'', huh?
(somber) That's wonderful news. Thank you.
When did this happen?
I don't know what to believe! You're eating unions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on.
So you want to go to the party on Friday night? 
I'll see you later. (he leaves with unseemly haste) 
Hey come on, you're getting it all over the floor!
Oh, because I didn't think the blind guy did it? 
Well, wouldn't I have to be? You tell me there's a can opener in the drawer, I'm looking in the drawer, there's no can opener - what other conclusion could one reach? (The phone rings.)
I should have let her have it! I held back because of Kramer.
No, I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage. Besides, I think women know about shrinkage.
Yeah. Hey, you're not working this weekend, why don't you come down?
Here you go. (Poppie stands up and takes the money.) Anyway, I'm sorry again about the...(notices a large, wet stain on his couch)...the...the...
Could we stop?
 Newman.  He's going with Newman.
No, what? 'That's probably why..'
I got one problem. You're keeping her busy in the other room. Now, what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? You have to signal me that she's coming.
(to Kramer) It was all over! Taken care of. Done! Finished. Five thousand. Where's she gonna get five thousand? She doesn't have five thousand. Clean. Good bye. She's gone. Then you come in, 'Why don't you loan her five thousand? What do you care? You've got five thousand. Give her five thousand!'
Hey, wait a second. Wait a second. ! Celebrate! How about some champagne?
It was a bisque.
What's going on?
(Let down) Oh.. (Starts to open the box) Oh, wait.. (Holding up one of the BBQ jars) This isn't the sauce that I asked for!
Yeah, it wasn't ready on time. I have to return it after the show.
Turn in?
(stares into coffee cup and looks back at George) Problem?
It's inhumane!
(extemporising) That was the Golden Nugget. Also in Atlantic City. They heard such good things about my show at Bally's, they want me for tonight. So I'll have to repack, and go.
Here.
Sadly, that knowledge could've help me.
I can't just keep bringing her to the coffee shop. I mean, what if things, you know, progress?
Alright, listen, alright. How much longer is it gonna be?
Losing? You know, yesterday I lost control of my car, almost bought the farm.
Tuberculosis
Boy, I know she really wants to see that with me.
So Georgie Boy, guess what happened to TROPIC OF CANCER
Well Hello..
Should we walk him around?
Let's just make a run for it.
I've had a crush on this woman for year! I've always been afraid to approach her! She looks like she belongs on one of these Hallmark cards.
Yeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes. The forty percent was too much so I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it down another fifteen percent.
George, give them to me, I want these keys. (They struggle over the keys.) I don't want to get physical!
Oh God he saw me.
Joe Divola.
Yeah.
Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital. 
More everything!
I dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with her. Once you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name.
Susan!
She's an eskimo, actually.
You had a date? You went out with my butler? Who said you could go out with my butler?
You're worried I'll be able to do it aren't you?
The massages are out! 
Me too. 
(to the phone) Hello... yeah... yes it is... really... ah, ah... Could you hold on a second? (to George and Kramer) Hey listen to this, some woman found an electronic organizer, my name was in it, she wants me to help her track down the owner.
So what does he care if you put lifts in?
It's Jerry.
Don't you need a little... help?
No I don't.
I'm calling dentists all day here, there's nobody working the day before Thanksgiving.
Yeahhh, am I imagining this? (he whips out the movie stub and holds it up to Willie) Found this little cutie in the pocket. (throws the stub on the counter)
No, no, no, another race - out of the question.
(gesturing) This is Gary.
(unenthusiastic) Yeah, we could do that...why not, why not. (pouring the wine) I'm just, I'm really glad you're here.
Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up.
You got evens.
I'm Dan. Can I have my list back, please?
Well, the game's starting just about now.
Yeah, that's a real nuisance. This is killing me.
Kramer, they're fumigating. There's toxic gas in there. 
Except that it's not Putty.
Well, Rabbi, well.
Yeah, they're in the kitchen. . . . okay, quite! What's going on?
(stops walking) Jean-Paul! (George acts like he scored)
Ah, c'mon. Maybe you're just in a slump?
Well you know what this means, don't you?
I know Finland. They're neutral.
So, you think Clyde told him?
Um. I'll call you back ok?
(pause) If I get it for you, will you take me to that club an' show me a good time?
What for?
Too romantic.
I don't know, but you better keep it up.
You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist don't you?
No, I don't think that..
Ok Mr. Mandelbaum, what you want me to do?
Hey, George! 
What is that noise?
It's a pig at a complain department.
We found out his super power was lack of money.
(overhearing the other two: Elaine, Elaine--
What is the matter with you?
 You know a friend of my father's used to live right around here.  Mike Wichter.  He sold plastic straws.  You know the ones?  You could bend them.
I didn't have an expression. I have a deviated septum. I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe.
I will show you The Stooges.
So, what did she have to say?
If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk pushing papers around, you can forget it. I have enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.
Let me ask you something. If you were going out with somebody and if she did that what would, would you do? Would you continue going out with her?
[his interest piqued] Minsk?
Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't seem like it would be fair to be cheerful.
(looking at the TV) Look at the picture on this thing...
(Resisting) Kramer, how am I gonna wear this?! I-I can't wear this!
Hey wait a second, wait a second. I'm going over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow night to pick up these Paul Simon tickets. I'm gonna surprise Amy. All I gotta do is bring her with me. And then when Jeffrey opens the door, it's Howdy Doody time.
(uncertain) Yeah. I'm holding the baby.
All right, we're taking a car service. So we'll swing by and pick you up. How about six? (Laura looks offended). Six is good. (Laura looks offended and angry). You got a problem with six? (Laura opens the door and gets out). What? What? 
(coming out from the bathroom) who was it? 
Yes. I do. You show me where there's a can opener in that drawer. (Answers the phone.) Hello! I'm sorry, I'm just fighting with my wife.
Yeah, right.
Isn't it common knowledge?
You know what, maybe Elaine wants to go too, lemme call her. (Picks up the phone.) She's at Mr. Pitt's, I think I got the number...
...the...the...
All right. Let's just drop it.
 Newman's his mailman.
(answering) Yeah, hello...yes...yes, she is, hold on. (to Laura) Um, it's for you.
(thinking) So, what am I looking at here? Twenty-nine hours to go. Well, at least I got plenty of time to find out the name of that perfume...
You're kidding.
Tippy Toe? I don't think so.
No, I didn't!
Yes, come on! How often do you get engaged? Come on!
Pretty lucky to find this hotel, Jean-Paul.
Really?
Are you kidding?
(Complaining) No, no. I wanted the one in the little bottle with that guy on it that looks like Charles Grodin!
Yeah. Well, let's hope this evening turns out a little better.
It's only nine o clock.
Yeah.
Hey, board of directors. Look at you!
It's two roosters peckin' at each other!
I'm trying.
Alright, I'll give it a shot! I do really like this coffee shop. Nice cuff links, by the way.
Tractor!
Leroy
Why don't you get a new sofa?
Because I gave it to you.
(TO GEORGE) Was he also in a Red Chinese prison?
Yes , I got her number.
Yeah.
How'd that happen?
Oh yeah. Too bad. Angela. Lousy thug. I mean what kind of sick person does something like that? That woman belongs in prison! I mean, I actually owe it to society to do something about this! I can't sit by and allow this to go on. It's a moral issue is what it is!
Do you wanna fight?
I can't believe she threw that out. I had like the perfect wording of a whole joke I was gonna do about the X-ray counter at the airport, I was gonna do it on the Tonight Show, now I can't remember it.
Hey Joe! HOW YOU DOING?
(ranting)  I can't believe how a little thing like George going too fast - and my whole weekend is gone - the plans, the packing, ... everything.
How do you know his name?
Your butler?
(Pointing) But are you still master of your domain? 
No...
What is going on?
She came down from Juno by sleigh, she was in the Iditarod. Got to the finish line, just kept going. She's got the dogs with her in the hotel room.
Because he's my butler!
That's it, that's it. You like having this over me, you don't want me to do it.
Ahh!!! They're out! 
Yes. He's a doctor. (Elaine starts to leave. ) Wait a second. (Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in Elaine's purse.) (to George) What are you doing? 
She's waking down the street and it hit her in the head!
Georgio! Nice duds! 
This is like the meeting of Smith and Wesson.
(Elaine walking down the hall they notice her and wave her into the room) Elaine! Get! (She enters)
Come on Newman. OPEN THE DOOR!
So lemme ask you this: how long would you say I have to put in now because of, you know, last night.
Why?
No, I don't know if I'm invited.
Yeah, Yeah. Well, now that we understand each other -- I'll be taking my business elsewhere. And I want my mother's fur coat back too.
All right. So I tell Sandy that I want to have a m&eacute;nage &agrave; trois with her and her roommate.
Art Cor...
For the apartment.
What can I do?
So tonight are you going to make the move?
Aw! You'll be fine, you were in there for what , a couple of minutes. 
Eh, we had a little fight about the move. I took her to this other place. I think they might be trying to screw me.
(Wakes up) Where are we?
Yeah, that's right.
Why were dogs chasing you?
You're cut off, you're out of the loop!
No, I actually find you quite charming. A bit verbose at times...
Well, maybe it's a good thing.
Trouble
Got it. (but now a man-hand grabs his arm) Uh!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! What were you thinking when you shot this?
Oh yeah. This can't miss. 
I thought they all had suites at the Plaza?
Well why doesn't he just come in?
Too sexual.
(to himself) I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole operation's a shambles. (answers phone) Hello.
Newer magazines.
Why do I have to go on the tour?
Is this a gym, or some kind of fitness museum?
You know, sometimes I get the feeling George isn't being completely honest with me.
I get it.
There seems to be a bit of a discrepancy.
He's invulnerable to creditors.
(overhearing the other two) Oh, no.
I look about the same.
He'll get another job. He's a busboy!
Oh my God.
No, no that's for a drug overdose.
Frankly I am shocked that you would ask such a question (Elaine sticking out her tongue like she isn't buying a word of it) of me, that you would think - the only surprise is how you could even think of that. That's what you were seeing.
Well, I don't really know where The Stooges are right now but if I locate them you will be the first to know.
He said they had a good time.
I told you!
Yeah?
Elaine?
They know how to make 'em...
I'm going.
oh..huh.. is she coming up? 
Yeah, that'd be something.
Kramer, Kramer, what is this?!
All right! I'll do it. The race is on.
 Who goes *anywhere* with Newman?!
(not excited) You're engaged?
You mean that?
No tippy toe.
People don't turn down money. It's what separates us from the animals.
You know what? No champagne. Anyway. . . I'll see you later.
All right. (picks up the alarm clock) Let's check out the clock. Notch good... 6:50... volume check. (music playing, he starts swinging) What kinda music you wanna wake up to? Top 40, classical...
Have you tastes the soup?
Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?
Yes, yes, I do.
Where are they moving to?
I know it's a joke. It's supposed to be a joke! Now I'm going on the Charles Grodin Show with nothing. (Sets the jar down angrily) Nothing!
I can't go to sleep at nine o clock!
Hey is the same thing as hello. What do you think Jeannie.
Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
Yeah!
Then each of us would only have be like a half man. That sounds about right!
That's not a french cuff shirt, you know.
Wait, don't go. Let's thumb wrestle.
You don't have to, really.
Tuberculosis
I'm buying you a new sofa.
I don't know what to do.
Yeah, think. Don't you remember you kept begging me to see it then finally I agreed. You were supposed to return it. I met you in the gym locker room.
Yeah.
 Oh, he's coming.
All right we're coming down.
I know, why do they make that bed so tight? You gotta sleep with your feet like that.
How am I going to live with myself?!
They're not supposed to just take everything and throw it out!
Oh, no, Just a custom. Uh, THAT'S MY FRIEND GEORGE. YOU LOOK GOOD.
Why do you keep bringing up the bubble boy. You don't have to mention the bubble boy?  I know about the bubble boy. I'm aware of the bubble boy. Why do you keep reminding me about the bubble boy?
(Stirring, he gets up to answer the buzzer) Alright, let's get going. C'mon, c'mon now. (Approaches the intercom) C'mon, let's get it together.. (Through intercom) Yeah?
Oh my god, its Joe Divola
What about me?
Lord of the manor. 
I don't care.
Alright, that's enough. (sips coffee)
No, he didn't show up.
Come on, Elaine!
Because if I can't get one, you're not getting one. 
(Reading words George wrote on his hand) 'Matthew, Luke, Paul', what you're cheating on your conversion chest? 
Wow.
Did you hear something? 
Listen, Ma...
Okay, pudgy, lets stop playing games. What happened with margaret?
(sarcastic) Oh, great.
No, not yet.
Yeah, you're right.
Now.
And you believe this course of action will have a two-pronged effect. Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil in disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from the premises.
Can't see on your right side?
Corvelay?
Mine!
Oh no. That's impossible. I'd rather lie to him for the rest of my life that go through that again. He was crying. Tears. Accompanied by mucus.
I just wanted to say how sorry I was...
Hey there he is. So what happened? Could she detect it?
Hey, Elaine.
Is this even a road?
What do you mean?
I would askk you to stay tonight but I only have the sofa bed and it's where I sleep.
You leave me no choice! You're the media now as far as I'm concerned!
(to George) Did you call me a wuss?
No, but I've read articles and I must say it, doesn't sound very pleasant.
I notice you threw 'stocky' in there.
George
I'm right here. (note: he has an athletic bandage on his right hand) You're late.
Do you even know what this scene is about?
Well, what about all that money from the kimonos I wear?
Are you all right?
Why is he scared.
Too domestic.
I will, I just walked in the door.
Hey, how's business?
For what?
He took you to Rage-aholics? Why?
How 'bout if it was something like ' I can't find my receipt my place's a stye.
Five, ten minutes.
He's the Got-no-Green Lantern.
Hello?
I was talking to him.
It was that fall down the stairs. That's what did it.
Elaine is in the bathroom. She's wise to whole red dot thing. She's asking me all kinds of questions.
Well, uh, I uh, I don't want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe it's not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here.
Oh, good.
But why? Why McDowell?
Come on up.
I'll have a cup of coffee and a turkey club.
Elaine!
All right, shut up the both of you! You're making me nervous. Where is he already? He should've been out of work by now.
I'm going.
What do you got there?
oh.. uh.. you know your breath is a little garlicky you better take some gum. 
But wouldn't that be the ultimate comedian's revenge? I've always had a fantasy about doing that.
This puddle on my sofa!
And he's calling all these people from High School to come and watch. I knew this day would come. I can't do it. I can't go through with it. I'm calling it off. I can't let the legend die. It's like a kid finding out there's no Santa Claus
 He is merry, I'll give him that.  (notices a cactus on the table) What's this plant for?
You're engaged? 
You don't care?
What song?
How do you feel? 
Let me explain something to you. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.
How about adult contemporary?
See, the way I figure it, it's much easier to patch things up with Sheila than with the Soup Nazi.
No, I don't.
Del Boca Vista, that's where my parents are gonna live!
(Peeved) I don't have any material!
Hey look ,you know, you're the one who's locked out. I'm letting you stay here. You're wearing my bathrobe. You should adapt to me.
All because of Wrath of Khan?
How ya doing? (George nods) Can't talk? (George shakes his head. Jerry gestures to his brace) Hey, how'd you get the plastic one? (George raises his eyebrows) I like that. (George sticks his tongue out) So how's life without tonsils? (George quickly indicates with his arm that he wants ice cream) What? What's that? ..So, how much is this thing gonna cost you now? Like, five, six thousand?.. (George signals that it's more) Well, live and learn.. at least we lived. Kramer went to Eckman.. He feels better alreadyy.. (George motions for ice cream again) What are you doing?
No Kramer, Little Jerry could get hurt.
Oh, that's classy.
A big long scar where her leg would dangle when she's riding a...?
We should probably get one for Elaine, too, right George? (turns to George, who is staring intently at the Holyfield poster) George?
I know, I know.
Here's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it.
Well what happened was my father was staying in the home of one of Red China's great military leaders, General Chang, who by the way came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken. You know, the one with the red peppers and orange peel at Szechwan Gardens? GEORGE Sure, I have it all the time. Very spicy.
Go ahead, I'll take care of it.
 That's him.
Yeah, come on Elaine, lets go.
I'm not religious, but I certainly know where to draw the line!
Alright, just get your thing together and let's get out of here.
Oh, no reason. You're into karate right?
Bye thanks.
C'mon up. (Slightly opens the door for Elaine)
That madman is trying to kill me.
(Getting the door) That's the stupidest idea I ever heard. Sentenced to be a butler. (Elaine, Marla, and an injured Ping are at the door) Ping, what happened?
What? 
Not really. Sometimes, when I'm in the tub.
What were you doing?
How am I gonna do that?
Well... we should...
No. No you're not.
Elaine?!
I'm sorry, Kramer. (he goes back to the kitchen) 
What? 
Yeah...
Yeah. 
Yeah, that's what I said!
Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...
No, we can't. My skin is crawling just being inside your little rat's nest. Now, what happened?
Between Poland and Morgan?
Yeah, I gotta see a dentist, this is killin' me. Well, I'll take a chance. We'll go together.
Yeah. I want that coat. (Jerry opens his wallet, looking for the dry-cleaning ticket)
At this point, it is inevitable that she will seek out the roommate to apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events.
Well, what does he do?
Mine!
Couple of tough monkeys.
(acidly) She's full. So, Big Daddy. I'm just curious. How much did you clear on your little transaction there, all told?
Yeah.
How so?
Is it something I said?
What? Why didn't you wake me up?
What happened?
No.
Head to toe?
Hey.
If you were in the mafia, would you tell her every time you killed someone?
I said luss. I'm at a luss.
No. I'm gonna be just fine, but as far as your situation, you're seeing him tonight so talk to him about it.
(smiling) I don't think so.
ya
Like you care.
No, bread is his soul. He's trying to buy back a loaf of his soul.
Wait a second, I know what's happening. The no sex thing is having a reverse effect on you.
Yeah, but--
Too Gubernatorial. (?)
Ma.
Alright, listen, I've changed my mind about this whole thing. I don't want cable.
How many session did my parents paid for?
You've got a little rage.
I'm a comedian.
I don't see any way we can eat and make this movie.
George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you. I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.
Uncle Leo?
Never mind.
Well what about the week after?
Well General Chang was a very flamboyant man. A complete failure as a general, but a helluva cook.
Well , as I said this type of thing is very common in show business
No.
In the freezer.
Well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet?
Nope. You?
...Yeah.
Yeah?
yeah. I think I do.
That's the *least* of what you've accomplished...
Don't push me.
See I was saying 'six' but she thought I was saying 'sex'. We straightened the whole thing out though. 
Oh.
Yeah have a couple of pieces, weak, weak gum yeah 
Why can't I?
That puddle! (Kramer sees the puddle and does a double-take.)
I'll have the salmon.
 Oh, well the cactus will smooth things over.
(matter-of-factly) You're engaged. 
How could you not care?
What is that?
All right...we're going with adult contempo... (puts alarm away, gets phone) now... the failsafe. The wake-up guy... (dials)
Is there, something I can help you with?
We could visit together!
My jacket?
Oh why don't you go sleep over at Newman's.
Well, it was the best of those movies.
Hey, check the TV.
Yesterday you said I had to get my revenge on her!
I'm sure she's a little self-conscious and doesn't like to talk about it.
No appointments at all? (motions to Elaine to move over)
It is kind of silly.
All right, I'll see you after school. I,,m late for Hayman's hygiene.
Hey, you know what? Maybe he's a diabetic, he might just need a cookie or something.
Don't sell yourself short saying 'God bless you' to every Tom, Dick and Harry in great personal risk.
What are you doing here?
Why?
(whispers) You can't just have water.
(Agreeing) Yeah, we should.
Oh! He said that! Can you imagine what he'll do if he sees me with you! He'll think I?m the one who ruined his deal at NBC and took away his girl, he'll put a kibosh on me!
Really? Did you talk to him? 
George?
I'm a comedian. Oh, let me get that. (reaching for the check) You've been so helpful.
You're supposed to just take a peek after a poke. You were like you just put a quarter into one of those big metal things on top of the Empire State Building.
Yeah... Hey, Drake, what ever happens, I am sure it'll be for the best.
I don't know.
Yeah maybe you should.
Don't you ever talk about her like that! 
Who? 
Uhm, see the key to eating a Black and White cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than, vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only *Look to the Cookie* -- all our problems would be solved.
Well you have insurance...
N-na I'm paying for the trip.
Like a frightened turtle!
Noit your type?
Kramer! The stone!
You don't want to go with me?
Where's that ticket? Oh, Kramer.
The roommate will then offer her friend the requisite sympathy even as part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion in the unusual request.
Just imports, no exports?
Game?
How much?
Really?
No, road is a major detail!
I mean, do you think it's possible that he's mad at me because he didn't get the day-after 'thank you'?
Oh,, that's nice. Alright, I'll see you later.
is that so?
I don't know, George.
That's not necessary. (George slams his menu down on the table repeatedly.) You know, maybe it's not that bad an idea.
How's the gas situation?
What are we gonna do?
(calmly getting up with plate of chicken) Oh! Sure! Sure! You an' your work! Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only calls when he wants something, an' I'm left sitting here like this plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, (drops chicken into sink) was, for two.
Kramer there is no way you're giving this tape to Brody and telling him I shot it.
To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid.
Hey, did you get Little Jerry, is he O.K.?
It was an accident.
Maybe you won't like it.
Yes this is the terrorist bomber.
By the way, my bad naked demo didn't quite work.
Well I got a complaint. This cartoon stinks.
Well let's just order to go, we'll eat it in the cab.
Nightmares. You?
It's all right, she was cheating anyway.
 Thanks, great party.
I'm not swearing. I don't want to swear.
Well I guess there aren't any ice cubes.
Yeah, all right. All right.
You sure?
That's what I've been trying to figure out the past five years.
She likes the pop-in. I've told her how I hate the pop-in. (pointing to George) He likes the pop-in, too.
I like it tucked.
Federal Express? Come on up. . . . Federal Express. I'm not expecting a package.
What happened?
You asked a date to go to the operation?
Ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves?
(Obviously mad at the situation he's in) 'Why am I wearing is now?? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now - because the lowtalker asked me to, that's why! And I said 'yes'. Do you know why? Because I couldn't HEAR her!
Yeah. 
have some more, take some for the road. 
So what? What would they care? 
You know what? I think I'm gonna do that! She came down to where I work, I'll go down to where she works!
Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? IT IS! (Grabs Kramer.) Poppie peed on my sofa!!
What happened, did you pass the stone?
 What?
Yeah.
I thought you'd be upset.
Once again, I just want to say how sorry I am about the other night.
(to George) Snow. Snow, that can't be good for suede, can it?
Anything else?
I'm sorry I didn't get any sleep you kept kicking me in the face.
Well, you can wait for him in here if you like.
That's incredible!
Well that's all I got.
(Pulls the note out of his pocket) That's it! That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmond! Flaming Globes of Sigmond! That's my note! tha'ts what I thought was so funny?! ..That's not funny.. There's nothing funny about that.
You have them sleeping in drawers?!
What're you doing with a pricing-gun?
No, I don't want. So, just tell me what I owe you for your trouble..
Must I?
What was that pop sound?
Sure, just tell Maura you're having an affair.
This is far more important. You must exercise the gaskets, George.
She doesn't have toe thumbs.
Can I - can I at least just talk to her so I can apologize? Forget it. (Hangs up) I can't believe this, I make one innocent comment, about some lunatic in Pennsylvania and I'm cut off. This woman is insane. (Looks at Elaine for a moment) What's with you?
I mean, it's just a movie, for god's sake.
What? I dunno.
There should be more people like us.
Front first, that's how you park when you're pulling a bank job.
Don't you see? You're just avoiding the middle man. You were gonna give her her spare keys, so she was gonna give 'em to me. So, all that's happening is that instead of giving them to her, you're giving them to me. It's just unfortunate that when she gave you yours, you didn't give her hers. 'Cause then she would have given 'em to me, because she has mine. So then I would have never had to ask you for hers, so that I could get mine.
AH, GOOD FOR YOU.
She did, you insisted.
Well this is not like a park bench where you just come in and sit down. It's a business.
Yeah. Wha - what, does she live with them?
Yeah, I'll just pay for this.
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.
Yeah. Have you noticed anything else that's different since the new management?
You know I think when you name a baby Jeeves, you've pretty much mapped out his future, wouldn't you say? Not much chance is gonna be a hitman I think after that. (with a British accent) 'Terribly sorry Sir, but I'm going to have to whack you'.
That's final!!! 
How do you know? 
Hmm. Look to the cookie Elaine... Look to the cookie.
Unbelievable!
Well, how come?
Another time? What other time?
The way I feel when I go places with you? (Kramer enters.) Hey, so'd you find my sneakers yet?
No, not on me.
Huh. Well, it all sounds pretty good. There's only one flaw in it: They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandy's back. She's not gonna do that.
No, I guess she's still mad.
Wait. How does Horneck know you?
So, Wilkinson's out of the hospital now?
She's bald?
What is it?
(Pointing ahead) Look out!
Yeah.
Hi
Where?
Really?
Yeah, this is room 419, I'd like a wake-up call for 6:50 AM tomorrow morning.
Oh, thanks.
You know what? That was the amazing thing.
Ya i could try and do that.
(calm) I ordered in. It's still effort.
I don't care about Brody. I was up on 96th Street today, there was a kid couldn't have been more than ten years old. He was asking a street vendor if he had any other bootlegs as good as Death Blow. That's who I care about. The little kid who needs bootlegs, because his parent or guardian won't let him see the excessive violence and strong sexual content you and I take for granted.
Exactly.
You let him fight?
Milos, I can assure you, I had no intention of telling anyone about your unbelievably bad tennis playing.
You could not like it.
think I've changed my mind.
(seeing Elaine enter Monk's) Oh, great. Elaine. What is wrong with my body?
oh! that's it I'm gonna put an end to this.
We'll eat it in the movie.
What?
I was arrested for urinating.
Babu, you're Pakistani, right?
No.
Yeah.
Well that was really fun, thanks.
Yeah.
What happened?
Well, ...
You think so?
Aaahhhhh!!
I can't She won't return my calls because she caught me in a pick at a light.
Hey, where's Kramer?
When we were at dinner, when Kramer went to the bathroom.
All right, what are you gonna say to him?
Well 'six' and 'sex' are close. 
You can't take that chemist out.
trust me.. nah it's good 
So you think you're not gonna get the job because your pants make a noise? 
There's no precedent, baby!
What are you doin' to this woman?! This is the second relationship you've ruined for her in a few weeks!!
Well, what is it then?! My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!
 What about the label maker?
Me too!
Thanks.
Am I a bad person? Did I do something terrible?
What should I do? (to Alton) Uh, we're taking a cab, aren't we?
'Lemon Tree.'
Well wh..wh.what are you doing? 
I'll make them later. Uh.
Uhm, hold, hold on a second. (pauses counting) I'm, I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said.
Why?
(giving in) Alright.
Huh?
The song Downtown? You mean the Petula Clark song?
This has 'international incident' written all over it.
Is my toaster oven on there?
(hands up) I don't want it that way.
What?
(to himself) Still a rip-off.
(To Kramer) Four hundred dollars?1 You told me one-fifty!
How does that reflect me?
(fidgets like he has no room with George next to him)... Could you move over there?!
Alright. So how's the two-man operation at Kruger?
Well you were too close to me, I was all scrunched in there.
Hi. How are you?
It's not like she's *in* the movie.
I don't know , Who keeps track of Hellos.
We'll move his teeth, it happened to my uncle, the sugar revived him.
You're telling me.
What's that?
Nah!
Oh, no.
Oh.
(Adding, fake praise) Good one. 
That's why I poked.
Beside that. Look at the waitresses.
Wow
What?
What is with this thing.
What, what is wrong with her?
No, no, Bania, no. This is the dinner. The soup counts.
Why? I've got my cleaning before without a ticket.
It's a perfect plan. So inspired. So devious. Yet so simple.
I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it...? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! 'I don't think she likes me.' The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like: 'Where to meet men?' We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.
Never. (The elevator door opens.) Wait a second. That's her. On the right.
This is too much.
Is that still from the cats?
Huh.
Yeah, yeah, that's kinda what he gave me.
(pushing her) How did you get that?
I didn't know any of this.
That's room 419. 6:50 AM. Four...one...niner...
No, she said it was fine. There's something very strange about this girl.
No, no, not at all.
Duck, Kramer! Duck!
No you go on ahead, I'll take the bus.
What's wrong?
I have to. But I'm gonna need to storyboard this whole thing. Where are my magic markers?
I have a friend who's a hypochondriac, always thinks he's sick - never is. And they, you have another type of person, always thinks they're well, not matter how bad they really are. You know this type of person? Very annoying. 'Feel great.. like being on the respirator.. intravenous heart/lung machine. I never felt better in my life.' Medical science is making advances every day in control health problems. In fact, it's probably only a matter of time before a heart attack, you know, becomes like, a head ache. We'll just see people on TV going, 'I had a heart attack this big (Holds out hands, gesturing bigness) ..but, I gave myself one of these. Clear! (Puts imaginary electrode panels to his chest) Brrhht.. and it's gone!'
Hey.
How long do they usually last?
I guess that's a risk you run when you dabble in the flesh trade.
Of course I remembered. You reminded me everyday for two months. Oh, the card. (She opens)
Hello?
That's it?
Now that's a complaint. ...Hello Sally, yeah this is Jerry,I just wanted to leave you a message that I caught your little piece on TV and..
Well what do you suggest?
You're not feeding him, are you?
Go back.
Yeah.. (Takes a bite of his sandwich as the waiter starts cleaning off the table) How ya doing?
Babu, may I say something?
 Hey, it's okay.
Do I have to talk? I don't feel like talking.
Yeah. Okay then.
Well, ...
Anyway, I just wanted you to know, that I'm going to do everything I can to make sure the party responsible is made to be responsible or something very close to that.
HUGE pop-in guy!
Really? Did you hear that? Somebody else was killed!
No, Uh, hey I guess I'll see you Sunday night.
So you want to just abolish all home package deliveries.
Should I call an ambulance? Do you wanna see a doctor?
But that's not what she thinks.
Let's go out and celebrate! (they all get up)
(Yelling out) Of course not! Nobody hears anything when this woman speaks!
Eh. 
Because she's like the jury. She's going to be sequestered.
yeah stinks, terrible 
You know, I think all these interviews are making you nuts. 
I'm on the phone!
Hey, nice shoes. What, you wear sandals to work? It's always nice to walk into a room and get the aroma of feet. That's real conducive to the work atmosphere. I'm sure your co-workers really appreciate it. 'Hey, let's go eat in Toby's office. Great idea! We can check on her bunions!'
First you ruin her relationship with the High Talker.
I don't care if it comes out, I can't sit on that anymore!
 Wait a minute, that's my ticket!  You didn't even want to go.
That voice. That voice. She's driving me crazy.
No, Trini Lopez.
'I don't think so. I think they were getting dressed and not only that; my shirt was out!!!'
Didn't you see the sign on the door? 
Yes, it's my life's work.
George...
To spite my parents?
Kramer , there's no way you're sleeping with me.
You sure he didn't just mention it because you happened to be going downtown?
Hey.
I just came by to tell you - I'm really, really happy about this relationship. Really happy.
(Thinking) What is that creaking, its like I'm in the hold of a ship. Gotta relax.</font>
Kramer, outta the car. Out, now!
Well, just shape them - change them. You're a writer.
(whatever) Fine..
So?
What is this?
....I'm getting a little tired of hearing how horrible I am and would appreciate it if you would leave me out of your act all together.
Really? How come you never pursued her before?
First of all, I can't believe that people actually do fight. People have fist fights in life. I can't really believe that we have boxing either. It's really kind of an amazing thing. To me, the problem with boxing is - you have two guys having a fight that have no prior argument. Why don't they have the boxers come into the ring in little cars, drive around a bit, have a little accident? They get out, 'Didn't you see my signal?' 'Look at that fender!' ..Then you'd see a real fight.
Evelyn, this is Elaine.
Am I supposed to ruin the whole night because she wants to see it? I mean, if I could have seen it with her, fine. But I can't control all these circumstances and schedules and peoples' availabilities at movies.
I have uromysitisis. It's very serious you know.
She's coming up.
Hello Newman.
I heard something.
oh, I d-I don't know. I d---
What?
But the question is, are you still master of your domain? 
Let's get outta here. [to Buckles] I'll see ya.
What physical characteristic would you say is common to all of them?
Well good night.
No, you stay here in the car.
Hurry up George! Step on it!
I thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest. 
hi Elaine 
Oh, oh take it back. Let's get another one.
Absolutely. You should not have to pay for that.
Hi, Mr. Pitt! Is Elaine there?
You don't think she's attractive?
I'm not stopping you from eating. Go ahead and eat. Get anything you want.
All right, I'll be back.
You're you. We're having lunch with Art Corvelay.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
So, what ever happened with that?
Inside out! Great.
Hey.
You met J. Peterman?
Hum, well it all comes as news to me.
I know, but it's a very important wake-up call... and I don't wanna take any chances.
So, did these thieves want any money?
I, I love that George.
She's too good.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
No, no. I'll take the subway.
You're probably gettin' an ulcer. This job is killing you! It's killing Us.
(startled - eyes wide open) Hello, is somebody there? (scurrying sound) Mr.- Mr. Marbles?</font>
What? What happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher's mitt.
Great!
(reluctant) Well, I'll do it as long as there's no other girls around. I mean, I wanna be a man too.
Would do you think?
What?
Uh, well, she uh, probably just wanted to be able to keep tabs on you.
She's into it?
Maybe it'll be fun having a pet.
Well, I was walking around naked in front of Melissa the other day--
(from the back of the club, leaving) That's it I'm calling in the big guns.
I'm not going to 'Skyburger'. Besides, it's in the opposite direction, let's just eat popcorn or something.
I said, never mind.
Uh huh.
I am not a restaurateur by any means, but it occurred to me that perhaps you might serve some dishes from your native Pakistan? As opposed to say t-the franks and beans for example.
Do you think Newman would tell Martin if he wakes up? What kind of sicko would do that? He could kill me.
Goodnight.
No, I haven't.
Thank you very much.
Yeah.
While you were in jail. So you're free.
Kramer's party.
All right. I'll call the agency. [Elaine grabs card from George] Hello. Yes, I'm trying to get in touch with Tia Van Camp. Do you know if she's been in town? She's been in town. Oh really. well thank you very much. [hangs up] She has been in town. She's at CALVIN KLEIN's right now.
Babu!
What?
Come on let's eat something. (phone rings)
Well I'm not dating any other deaf women. 
Well, I think the whole thing stinks.
Audrey? 
Mom, I'm not married.
Oh, is this disruptive? You find it hard to work with someone...interrupting?
So she breaks up with him. Somehow picks up the pieces of her life. Miraculously meets... A New Guy! Ya bust that up! An' then, just as they're reconciling, you announce to the world: He's Boring.
Yeah, you're right. It's just a natural human function...happens to be on my sofa, instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.
 So, how did you get up there?  Did you say you had to use the bathroom?
So I can see her tonight, and you don't care?
'I think so.'
Ready?
Your parents are crazy!
Why?
Okay, so how does it go?
Yeah , she's coming to see my act tonight.
Kramer!
Alright, that's it.. (Grabs Kramer, trying to pull him out of the car)
So you hurt Vincent's feelings?
Make them interesting.
What's the difference?
Hold on a second.
I thought you were gonna watch a video.
(Scared) Ah! Kramer!
Ho ho!
How does sitting next to a person in a movie theater increase the level of enjoyment? You can't talk during a movie. You know, this is stupid, c'mon, let's just go.
No, but he's not looking good... (ELAINE TURNS TO TWO HUGE BODY BUILDERS IN WORKOUT WEAR)
Yeah. What's wrong, why? ( George runs back to the bathroom)
Cookies don't liquefy.
Sure, that would be great.
Okay.
Who is it?
Elaaaiinne...
Well, then, you've just got to fire her! Don't even think about it - there's no two ways about it.
Yeah.
Mulva? (waves off George with his hand)
I mean look at this. Every waitress working here has the same proportions. Wouldn't you say?
Oh that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony baloney.
All right Newman, one more peep outta you, you're out of the whole operation!
That damn Mohel - he circumcised my finger! The Mohel circumcised my finger!
Ah, don't worry. I made reser... (catches himself) 
this is Jane Elaine 
No no come on really, get another one. It'll take a second.
Let me have a look at this thing.
Okay, Newman, thanks a lot.
Then that's the meal.
What?
So you'll just explain to him you're not a Communist. You just called the woman for a date.
Corvelay!
Hard to imagine.
Oh, I turned my jacket inside out.
Standard. Micro.
Women go bald?
Well, better load up on some carbos before the race.
What is he like?
Well, I just...don't wanna get into a whole thing with you here...
They just wanted the armoire?
I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others - I can't be with someone like that!
Oh, right.
Na, uh, no, uh, I'll hitch hike.
Hello, Newman.
The coffeeshop?
It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?
Ah, it's just a car.
Well this way I figure you can go out and get yourself whatever you want. No good?
I guess it would be nice if you called all the ticket holders if the game was going to be rained out.
Hello?
So have your parents found out about it?
(Over the phone) Elaine, you've got to get back down to the dealer. Puddy is screwin' me on this car, which is yellow now! 
How could she say that on TV?.. And how did she get a cable special . I 've never gotten a cable special.....well that's it I'm not giving her any more material. We are incommunicado. (to the silent Kramer on the couch beside him) ...Exactly.
(to Elaine, still joking) He can wipe out his checking account in a single bounce!
I hate the counter.
What seems to be the problem, officer?
Too thin?
Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings.
Doesn't matter. You would have the only authentic Pakistani restaurant in the whole neighborhood.
 Anyway, thanks a lot for letting us stay here, Steve, I really owe you one.
Well, I'm gonna do something about this.
I mean, ... if you want to.
Okay!
So Kramer, what are you going to do?
No, no, he's not having a party. He's doing something. I don't know what it is. It's nothing. He's not doing anything.
Yeah, here.
You remember Elaine.
She did?
(Arms out, complaining) I have to wear it! The woman has orders for this shirt based on me wearing it on TV.. they're producing them as we speak!
You're kidding. 
That's enough.
Was it apple? 
I'm not married!
Security? Well, I don't know how you're gonna make it in this business if you can't take it! Ya gotta be tough! Booo! Boooo!
I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is. If you're going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe.
Hey Elaine, it's me.
Well, apparently you have a tremendous influence over this woman: anything you say she does!
Hello, oh hi Duncan, 4:00 o'clock tomorrow? That is not going to work. . . . Why? I'll tell you why. Because I chose not to run!
 Then how'd you get up there?
All right. As long as you're okay. Because I can't stop thinking about her.
'You know! Like a tennis shirt.'
Oh, how come?
My parents are moving back too!
Do I really have to explain why?
'... downtown.'
No, don't stop, Kramer. Keep going, don't let him get away.
What's with you?
Hey buddy. I'm on no sleep, no sleep!. You don't know what it's like in there, all night long things are creaking and cracking. And that red light is burning my brain!
Hey, hey! Get back over here! Kramer! Get over here! You are bad! Bad neighbor! Kramer!
(taking the envelope) Wh..What's this?
Well, I gotta go to the airport. I'm picking up my parents.
(confused) We're talking about people, right?
Why they want you to fire Raquel Welch?
Kramer, I'm not in a mood for this.
What about my 'questionable material'?
So again, I'm sorry. I had no right to yell at you, you're a life saving doctor and I'm just a comedian...
Uh-huh.
Never.
Get out of here!
Hi, Lisi.
Saving movies.
I would say every two and a half to eight weeks.
I didn't tell her you stupid idiot. She tricked you.
Boy, it's a good thing we came.
Talk? Did I talk? It - you're darn right I talk to her! We talked up a storm - and I concluded from the basis of these talks that this isn't anybody you should be talking to.
What is all the racket back there? You know, you're trying to relax on the plane and this is what you have to put up with. [To attendant] What is going on?
I don't want the coat.
Alright, alright. Just let me finish my coffee... then we'll watch 'em go slice this fat bastard up. (sips coffee)
What's going on here. How is that possible?
Oh what, you're upset?
There he is. He's going into that bar.
Flinched? I did not flinch. George, did I flinch?
I uh, I uh, I arranged for the appropriate accommodations. And then, Knick tickets, floor seats. 
Typical rich people, using the world for their personal garbage can.
No, thank you.
Yeah.
I didn't tell you to have a hot dog. Who told you to have a hot dog?
Hey, hey. uh Pamela's birthday party, didn't I see you there? Jerry.
I gotta say, that's pretty sad. Losing out to a cat.
Well, it's a new suede jacket. It might get ruined.
Feel good.
Hey.
Oh my god! Look at that picture, it's terrible...
Can you get me a soda? 
Listen. I need you to do me a favor. When's the next time you're gonna see him?
Oh, yes. Particularly if you're not in it.
(walking away) Yeah, I'll see ya'.
It sounds like all the winking got you a promotion.
...Yeah I am, but I just...(man hangs-up)
Yeah?
I mean, I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.
No, don't be silly, I've arranged a car.
It's really not necessary.
Pam? What do you care? (Newman shrugs. Jerry notices he's carrying a Brentano's bookstore bag.)
(pleased) I'll call George!
And your teeth, your teeth are all brown.
Well come on. That's $182 right there. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at.
Oh, Mrs Hamilton, this is a very bad time. I've got Valerie on the other line. Just a second.
(Defiantly) I'm not paying four hundred dollars! I don't even want the thing. What are you going to do?!
Brave new world, alright.
So you don't think it's attractive?
(Banging the phone against the booth) Elaine! 
Hey.
At me?
What is your problem?
Well, you know; not everything. I do what I can.
 And if you're ever in the city, you know, you want to come to a comedy club, whatever.
What blender? I don't have a blender.
Nevermind. Disgraceful. Leaves you sitting there on the kitchen floor like some kind of roach trap. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Sir, whatever. She's not going to get away with this.
Yeah, Friday's okay.
I don't know.
I don't know.
No, I'm sure you are. I'm sure you are very close friends. Very close.
Thirteen thousand.
Hey, would you mind switching seats?
With the smelling.
This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel! 
No!
Oh, come on, that's a huge feature. When they approach a new recruit, I'm sure that's one of the big selling points.
We're going to Atlantic City.
Strike two!
Well, what is he, a vampire?
Right.
Good. And I'll tell you what... You don't have to pay me back the thirty-five I gave to the chiropractor for the rest of your bill.
...You can't put that picture up.
'Sometimes I tuck'em sometimes I don't'
Well, she could come.
humm...
Hey
'...downtown.'
Something on your mind?
Hey. Isn't that Elaine?
Oh, hey Bania.
What is this?
Oh I'm stressed! (makes like Kramer, outstretching his arm. Jerry heads for the freezer for some ice cream.)</font>
(examining the button) Boy, look how far back it goes. It's like a tooth.
Yeah. I'm flying them in to meet Ellen. I don't know where to turn! I gotta see what they think of her.
I thought they smelled pretty nice.
Hello?
She seems very nice.
Blood over there, sausages over here. I'm living in a slaughter house.
Jim Fowler? The animal guy from 'Wild Kingdom' is coming to your apartment?
Was it pimple popper MD?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm..
So they have hotdogs there.
There's a giant parrot in the hallway.
Will everybody please leave?!
Uh, yeah. I found it on the street. It's gotta be worth something.
(Jerry scratches his head and acts like he's not sure what she's talking about) What?
Two for Prognosis Negative. I'm in big trouble.
The big toe; The captain.
Well, good night [holds hand out and shakes hand]
Hello, ... oh hi Elaine .. what's going on ... no he just left ... you broke up with him? ... ME TOO .. what happened? ... oh smoking you know you're like going out with C. Everet Coope ... me ... nah ... I couldn't go through with it ... I just didn't feel ready ... so what are you doing now? ... Oh, great idea, I'll meet you there in like thirty minutes. Okay bye.
Give my best to Hinckley.
Uh, I don't have anymore pictures Elaine.
Yes.
Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is, that curtain is no security-- there really should be a locking door.
What are you eating?
No. I haven't seen four women like this together outside of a Russ Meyer film.
(to the phone) Hello?
No I can't, maybe you're faking.
Be careful Kramer.
In five minutes. He's then going to pick us up, then we're going to pick up Elaine, and Laura is going to meet us there. 
Got 'em on the street, from a scal... (catches himself again) 
I would like to know what my name's doin in this creep's organizer to begin with.
I'm just pretending I'm married to get a discount on dry-cleaning.
Boo!
No, you don't wanna do that. You'll be uncomfortable.
(hits button) Come on up. (opens door a little)
All right, fine. Get the soup!
Uh, this is George. (reaches for her name) I'm sorry...
Perfect.
Not at all.
You gotta get an estimate on my car from him. I think this garage is trying to screw me.
Well?
What's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya, and twenty thousand losers.
Well, break a leg tonight.
Hey, have you noticed George is acting a little strange lately?
No depravity! I mean, I look at her, I can't imagine she even has sex.
George, george...
Maybe I'll let you pick me up.
Hi. I..I was in the audience earlier. You threw my jacket down. I just wanted to pick it up.
Wait a minute! (A manic chase scene ensues, with Jerry chasing Newman from one end of the building to the other. Jerry finally catches up with him in the hallway on another floor.)
Newman, how'd it go? Did you get it all delivered? (Sees the pac) What happened?
I'm too tired.
You mugged Stephen Hawking?
What happened to you, pal?
Hey, how's the anti-mail campaign going?
I there. This is Kramer, and Frank.
You gotta get back together with Puddy so I can make this deal. 
Oh. It's back.
See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker.
(after Bookman exits): That is one tough monkey! (turns to Elaine) So you were saying?
(writing)  Here's my address and number.  And really, thanks again.
I would know if I had a blender.
I'm gonna call her.
Nah. No one's ever been shot in the city.
If he noticed, he would have called you from Houston!
I can't believe she threw out my napkin.
No, for both!
I didn't even use the ticket!
Oh, Babu.
Is that what she said? (Kramer pokes his head back in the door.)
Oh, I don't know...I just like sitting to the left of people, makes me feel like I'm driving.
Who's got a tissues? I need more tissues! Look at this thing. It's my phone finger!
Uh-huh.
How do you know? 
Saturday night (she leaves) 
Yes?
Today, right now! Are you in?
But it's just a friendly game. Why do you have to be such a stickler?
You're behind in the count.
So he just gets soup. He wants to save the meal. So now I got to do it all over again.
 That's why you're going to the Super Bowl.
I had to.
(to the intercom) Elaine?
You're saying I'm responsible for the couch?
'I think I was tucked.!'
I don't know. Who could've been in my apartment. 
Oh.
I think I offended the wake-up guy...! (worried)
On the other hand...
Haven't seen him. How's the neck?
(explaining) I had a jacket with a crest on it. You came into the audience, you threw it away. Agrabah.
Seven-eleven?
(hearing the noises) What's happening!
Looks like there is?
Alright, Newman! This is it! (Shoves him against the wall.)
Elaine!
I forgot to make my bed. (He tries to get away)
Oh, that's too bad.
Ah. It's a lovely little bureau and breakfast you're running. Well, I'm off to the bank.
You know my friend Bob Sacamano?</font>
I don't think so. I'm gonna try to get them to fly right back tonight.
Is not.
Well...
I'm in show business.
Alright, I said I had a good time and I'd call, but who takes that literally?
No they're not mine Mr. Mandelbaum...
Still got it.
Uh-huh..
Who?
Well, before we do anything...maybe we should talk.
Hey, where's Kramer?
The captain of the toes. (phone rings) Hello.
George, I want you to promise me something. If I'm ever in a comma. In the first 24 hours get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage.
Elaine?
You just missed him. he just left. What do you need him for?
Yeah...
I can't believe what I just did. I didn't know kramer didn't invite him. I better call Kramer, ...
I'm not lying.
Oh yeah. Yeah, in fact, if George and I weren't so busy here working on the script, I'd do it myself.
I don't have anything, I gave it to that guy.
Couldn't be...
No...
Oh, hi Rita.
I'm sorry too.
No, you stay here in the car. I may need you.
I know. It's like X-ray vision. 
A uh, one of those guys. 
Well, I'm not going to eat a cake with a hair on it.
Who do I know who would have even been in a limousine yesterday anyway. Uhh-O h-owow!
Could you make a little more noise? (To his parents) Listen, I'm gonna have to call you later.
Hiss!
Yeah, the lobster'll scare him.
Well, let's look back at your history with this woman. Okay?
We went over that.
Well, look. Here's the work order with everything that broke. Just kind of bring it up at the right time and find out. (hands Elaine the work order)
Well, I don't think that's gonna happen.
Did you have a good time?
I don't know. A lot of attitude, like he's better than me, or something.
Wait a second, that's your last marble rye?
Well, it was either you or one of your brothers.
Bit you?!
O.K. (Kramer leaves.)
I said, 'and more.'
Is the flounder here yet?
(In pain) Oh, are you about done?
Well it must be comforting to know you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles an hour.
Are you all right?
It's Sunday.
You're gonna get back together, anyway. It's thousands of dollars! 
Then this Pennsylvania Dutch thing comes out of nowhere. I mean, how am I supposed to respond to that?
Oh, she didn't mind?
What if it gets in the side?
Want, want? What could I possibly want? Uh, I just came because I, I heard so many nice things about you from George.
You know it's interesting, because I called the hospital and they said you were released on Monday.
Oh, beautiful did he like them?
(on phone) Hello, yes, I called for an ambulance like thirty-five minutes ago.
Hey.
No, I'm calling her.
You gonna be alright here?
Oh, would you stop with the Ted Danson?
Where are they already? I don't see them anywhere... I got my bags, I'm ready to go.
I only have a twenty.
She is?
How ya doin'?
I don't know what to tell you, Elton.
Well, so, what are you going to do? Sit in the doctor's office doing this? (moves his arm) He's gonna think you're a mental patient.
Who is it? 
I know it's a big problem.. she puts like four pieces in her mouth, it's ridiculous, I don't think we're gonna be able to get together on Saturday night 
Uh huh?
What are you so worried about this for?
I don't know? Consomm&eacute; or something.
Oh, please.
 You go out with a guy one time, you ask him to go upstairs like you're Mae West?  Of course he's gonna try and get you alone for the weekend.
Ah, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Ooh, (to Elaine) case closed!
It was embarrassing to me.
You know Jeffery?
Come on up.
(livid) Diabolical. He thought of everything. He was setting me up from day one!
'I don't know but I was spitting out and rinsing like there was no tomorrow.'
Wait a minute . Did you say chunky wrappers? 
That's it! No more questions! I don't care!
Listen buddy,
Oh, The Muted Heart. Glen Close. Sally Field. Well, that should be good.
Because they were in the pockets of my jacket.
(gets up) No, no, I did. I think he's got it in for me!
Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have a knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around.
It doesn't even belong to me. It belongs to the Friars Club.
No, that's midtown.
I don't feel so good.
Come on. Something's on your mind. Out with it.
Why not?
All right, you're beyond stink.
Well it's just that you got so many things with the milk. You got that Bosco bit then you got your Nestl&eacute;'s Quik bit, by the time you get to Ovaltine--
(leaving) Konichi-wa.
Well, he called last night about 3 a.m. and we got to talking, he sells Russian hats down at battery park, forty bucks.</font>
(nonplused) You're flying to Akron, just to zing a guy?
Kramer, this is awful! We don't want to hear about this!
Is not.
Hang on.
I've got a tape of 'Fantastic voyage' if you think that would help.
Hello?
So you're sure you're not still angry about last night?
What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life? What do you say? What do you say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. 'I'll see you around. See you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you around that area. You'll be around other people. You won't be around me. But you will be around.' 'Take care now.' Did you ever say that to somebody? 'Take care now. Take care, now. Because, I'm not going to be taking care of you. So, you should take care, now.' 'Take care. Take care.' What does this mean? 'Take off!' Isn't that what you really want to say? 'Take off now.'
So, the free love buffet is over?
Sure.
What'd ya tell him that for?
I want everyone out!
Okay....too bad.
Looters.
Uh, I don't know, we used to go out.
Well Biff/ What's next?
Kramer, she was murdered!
She'll have a cup of coffee and a broiled chicken.
I'm telling you, the guy took.....
We do what we can.
Hey that's life. Good-looking men have the same advantages. You don't see any handsome homeless.
Oh, my God. Did he get fired?
You're a baby!
I might need you to get me a soda.
Oh the baby's fine. They just took him to the hospital as a precautionary measure. But look at me. I'm the one who's hurt.
You know, the guys, that uh, they sell the tickets for the sold-out events. 
A little hair? Do you think that makes it better?
Oh, I got to see this thing. 
Well, whoopie whoop. (Meryl goes into the other room. Kramer staggers in the door in his bathrobe.)
Would you?
First, you encouraged her to join the army... She did.
I'm going out with Katya, thanks to you.
A robot butcher?
That's, uh, Fusilli Jerry.
(Sarcastically) Yeah, everyone knows that, it was in Amadeus.
There's none left?
(disappointment) Dammit!
Anyway Beth, you know i was thinking on my way over how when i was 9. I wanted these handball sneakers, they were all black but they came in adult sizes so you know i never got the sneakers. (Beth looks him confused)
(Bravely) Well, what if I deliver it?
Ah, I'm so sorry.
What's wrong with pal? Why is everyone so down on pal? (Kramer enters with present)
Huh?
She knows about the speed-dial. Mrs Hamilton, you gotta get me off this thing.
You also shouldn't use a donut.
So, you're using Frank's relaxation method?
Uh, why don't we stay here? The back booth just opened up. (They both walk to the booth and sit down. Suddenly, Gwen is attractive) Now this is a good looking booth.
Come on. Then you don't have to see him again 'til my 15,000-mile check. 
Well I'm sorry if I ruined your life. That's exactly what I set out to do.
Hey, that's great.
Yeah. Wouldn't it just bounce back and forth between your cornea and the mirror, faster and faster, getting more and more intense, until finally-
(to George) Was he out there?
 George, I've been sick all week.  Elaine was too.  Eighty miles an hour, forty degree temperature for fifty minutes.  Do the math.  Yeah, maybe I will get out.  Hey, let me just stop off at the drug store first.  Okay, meet me down there in fifteen minutes then we'll go do something.  Yeah, Selwyn's.  Okay bye.
This is an emergency, what's taking so long? (the door buzzer buzzes) Wait a second, maybe that's them. (presses button) Hello?
Intervention.
No, forget it, I'm gonna call.
(tugging at the clicker) I'm a great clicker! (gets the clicker back) Great instincts. How dare you impune my clicking.
I didn't know.
Alright, don't wander too far, I'll meet you back here in fifteen minutes.
Relax. Who are they?
You're nuts!
I missed you.
Hello? Oh, hi Stu.
Good, feel good...you know that Jayne Mansfield had some big breasts. Really big, huge...just coming out the top of her dress, they were like, chokin' her.
(To George:) Who picked these out?
Can't do it Newman. 
well it's too much, it's embarrassing 
Boy, the resemblance is uncanny. 
Oh, that's okay.
He did?
What?
No, it's stupid.
 Obviously.
Oh, we're meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here in the building.
Okay, starting...NOW!
Why don't you make a point with your own doctor? (George gulps.) What's wrong?
It's raining? It's raining. The game will be postponed. We'll play tomorrow.
Hey.
I'm sure he's having a good laugh over this with his doorman buddies.
'Is this guy a dentist or Caligula?'
Let me see those. ( smells them) Oh! I know the chunky that left these Chunkies......NEWMAN!!! I've got him. 
Hey, wait a second. You know, we could share a cab. They're playing at the same Cineplex.
Yes. I was using them to spit out the mutton.
What if he doesn't call now out of spite?
Hello.
So you want to catch a movie later?
I thought you said it was imminent.
Alright, I'm here. Where's Braun?
You saw her? What was she wearing?
(cynical) I'm sure it won't.
'...down town.'
You don't like her?
C'mon. (They exit.)
And that's not helpin' either. That's why you're havin' trouble with your staff, not because of George.
No, but the difference is negligible.</font>
So what did you do?
What?
Nice. French doors'd really open this place up. Oh, but you have a slop-bucket.
I'm not having this conversation.
Hey, Lainie, how's the trip going?
Never?
Yeah, that's what you did...I can't believe I got another session with Izzy Mandelbaum, he's probably makes me box a kangaroo.
Tic-Tacs work?
Uh-huh.
Really? What's it like? Is it nicer than mine? Where does he have the couch?
Soon as I get off the phone wih you.
 Who is it?
She's really hungry.
For a date?
Yeah, me too...
Where'd you get those?
Russell's disappeared?
A few stitches? I've never had stitches. I'll be deformed. I can't live with that. It goes against my whole personality. It's not me!
All right, go in the bedroom. Open the window. You can go out the fire escape. 
Wait a second, you got the Mark McEwan TV Guide. 
What if it's your hair?
Yeah. (Kramer lurches into the kitchen, trips, and falls onto the kitchen floor.) I'll get it, I'll get it! Take it easy, why are you so tired?
No.
Then, you suggest she goes... AWOL! She did!
If I do it again, that extends my payment book another two weeks.
Oh, we finished early.
I'm not an investor. People always tell me, you should have your money working for you. I've decided I'll do the work. I'm gonna let the money relax. You know what I mean? 'Cause you send your money out there ' working for you ' a lot of times, it gets fired. You go back there, 'What happened? I had my money. It was here, it was working for me.' 'Yeah, I remember your money. Showing up late. Taking time off. We had to let him go.'
All the time.
Newman . Open the door, Newman, I know you're in there. 
Yeah. Kramer made it.
What is it?
So what about the 'Maestro' stuff. Did he make you call him Maestro.
Uh, excuse me. I know this is gonna sound crazy but I - I have to have that rye. It's a - it's a long story, but a person's whole future may depend on it.
(Still ticked off) That woman is such an idiot! I was gonna do this whole bit on that bottle - and now I got nothing to talk about.
I can't believe I'm losing Pam!
(quietly crept out) This is really weird..
Well, why not?
In other words, a normal relationship.
(wistful) I don't know, I just see you guys together.
What about all your Jewish jokes?
Hang on.
What's going on?
Hey, I want my van keys back.
Fine. 
(Bitter) Good night, Newman.
Elaine got a new number because she died.
Oh. It's in your eye now.
I guess we'll never know.
Come on up. Okay, they're here.
Get away from me, I'm gonna call her.
Let go!
Well, this is great.
Course not.
He's somebody.
Yeah, . . . seriously.
(To George) You're givin' him back that TV.
Yes, well, see, here's the thing, Babu. Um, what happened was I was away for a couple of weeks doing some comedy shows.
(to George) Yeah. (oh the phone) What's goin' on? What? Really? Oh my god....did he give you a reason?...Oh boy. Okay. Alright. Thanks. (hangs up.) Dalrymple just cancelled the pilot. (George drops the bag, shocked.)
Have you noticed that women today are, you know, they seem...bigger.
He gave her all the gifts; he felt guilty.
They're mysterious little fellows aren't they?
They're ladies' glasses! You know all you need is that little chain around your neck so you can wear 'em while you're playing Canasta.
It's not going to happen. 
Hey.
What do you want? 
she's one of these people, always have to be different 
(on phone) Come on Adrian give me another chance, I know I could cheer Fulton up. I'll tell you what, I'll do my act (pauses for response from Adrian) No new material (Elaine enters) He's never heard it. He'll love it, I just did it at the Concord last week, it killed. (waves hello to Elaine; pauses for response from Adrian) Thank you, thanks fo.. you will not regret this. Ok, Bye. (hangs up phone; to Elaine) Hey.
Because she came down to the club and heckled me! Give her a taste of her own medicine! (George enters.)
Nah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet somebody else.
So it had nothing to do with you.
Elaine you're missing the whole point.
So you're gonna show up at that party with a chewed-up pencil and Kramer's gnarled arm.
One of the problems in life is that when you're a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements. And those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main ways that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them says, 'I got the front seat' 'I wanted the front seat!' 'I called it'. And the other kid knows he's got nothing to say: 'He called it. What can I do?' If there was a Kid Court Of Law, it holds up. 'Your Honour, my client did ask for the front seat' And the judge would go, 'Did he call it?' 'Well no, he didn't call-' BANG! (Jerry imitates a judge banging his gavel.) 'He has to call it, case closed. Objection overruled.'
So, you wanna come up for a few minutes?
So?
Oh. Hello, uh (looks for and finds the photo) Mary.
'I don't think I'm hungry:'
What?
You iknow I talked to the rabbi outside.
(pause) Not comfortable... (gets up again)
I don't have a paper though.
Sponge-worthy?
Look, I'll go downtown to Chinatown with him, but that is it!
Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression?
You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy and self confidence than you ever dreamed of.
(trying to divert Vic's attention) What about the gentle cycle? You ever use that? 
'...downtown.'
What's wrong with her?
Have you ever seen yourself? (She starts dancing) Ah, ah, please, please. Not in my home. I gotta go throw this stuff in the laundry. I'll be right back.
But ultimately, you're gonna choose in favor of sex, right?
Am not.
She wants to be back on yours.
Can we just go?
What about if you're not around?
Uh-huh.
He let you?
Have we even been in public?
What happened to you?
okay , bye (to George) What happened , did you take it off?
 Who?
Oh, no, uh, go ahead. You got a pen?
Okay... [To a bamboozled Elaine] It's a business thing...
If you hadn't gone into her restaurant, this never would have happened.
No.
You're passing already? But the show just ended two minutes ago!
Oh well, they're both chubby weathermen. I get Dom Deluise and Paul Prudhoe mixed up too. Could I have this? 
What is that stench? I got it. (He follows the smell to Kramer's door) Ah hah. 
Who needs that misty herbal rain water crap they sell in the health food store. I use Prell, the hard stuff. Hundred proof - takes your roots out. (pretends to pull hair out)
What is that? (Points to Kramer's pocket as Meryl comes back.)
Yeah, my grandma's missing.
You know... You better make sure and never tell this woman to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge...
We're going to the circus. One of her old Olympic teammates is an acrobat. I don't even feel like going out.
Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck.
Hi.
There's nothing pleasant about it, so lets just cut the crap.. You gave me fleas. I know it and you know it.. 
Hey, Assman!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
You didn't mind?
I don't know and I didn't want to find out. So where is my jacket?
Hey, Ray.
Yes. Well, be that as it may, if you could just find it in yourself to give it up.
Hello.
Well, maybe if I didn't have so many people in my apartment all the time I'd be able to get some work done.
(downcast) No, I'm a little tired. I think I'll go home.
Yeah Why?
Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle? 
I thought we were talking about me.
Giddee up!</font>
What am I gonna wear?
Well, she'll still be an ex-con.
The Jews?
Did you tell Peterman about this?
Who's that?
Oh no, I'll tell you what you did Caligula; you combined food and sex in to one disgusting uncontrollable urge.
Are you insane? Give 'em to me.
No. No lunch. 
Kramer, the Mets have got men on base!
I never really wanted the pen.
Any day that you had gym it was a weird school day, you know what I mean because it kind of like started of kind of normal. You have like English, Geometry, Social Studies and then suddenly you're like in Lord of The Flies for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yellin' at ya' 'Where's your jock strap?' Ya' know and kids are throwin' dodge balls at you. You're tryin' to survive ... Then its History, Science, Language. There's something off in the entire flow of that day.
Ya know, I gotta tell you, he's a pretty good-looking guy.
George, do you wanna fight? Do you wanna fight?
Let go, Elaine!
They look like keys, George. They look exactly like keys. (In disgust) 'What do they look like.'
So you're not gonna come back to New York with us?
They're nobody.
You're nobody.
Yeah, big missing goin' on (spreads arms wide)
Well, Elaine here was picking up my mail while I was away, because you know that little box can get very full.
Really?
I know it is!
You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens.
That was a one in a million Mohel.
Uh just pull over right there by the stop sign. 
What's wrong with yours? 
So?
Well, I didn't want her to have an accident.
Sure. See, things always even out for me.
Why not?
No, I don't think so.
The meal is the act of sitting down with him. It doesn't matter what you get, as long as he's sitting in that restaurant, its a meal.
So, Kramer, you wanna go to the party together?
 Yeah, well I don't trust this guy.  I think he regifted, he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp.
It's a good mirror. (They look at their menus.) So, what are you gettin'?
Really? I thought...
I can't believe I do.
Now we have to buy a new couch?!
' But I'm damaged goods now.'
Are you gonna say it again?
Understand you had a little talk with him too.
But you like this guy, isn't that what the sponges are for?
Why?
Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress.
What about fine fabrics? How do you deal with that kind of temperament? 
Well, 'don't hang around and let your troubles surround you. There are movie shows...'
Well you can't take her maybe you can't take me either.
You mean, not subjecting yourself to your sexual advances.
So Peterman bought it? I can't believe you got away with that!
Great.
Hey.
Am not.
Hang on.
So I have to choose between seeing you and doing the voice?
Sit down, Elaine.
What? It's a victimless crime.
(To Elaine) Uh, well, you know, a coffee grinder is nice. Or a coffee maker. Everyone likes coffee. Anything to do with coffee. Maybe you should go get some coffee.
Who's Cartwright?
You are not dumb. Don't say that..
Some new kind of pie.
Just chatting. Friendly.
Oh, hi Ellen.
Where's Kramer?
That's it, you gave up?
.... (silence)
I can't believe I'm doing this. I never do stuff like this.
That is one angry clown!
Yeah. Where's George?
I don't want one.
Yeah, see ya. (he hangs up)
Hey, hey.
Thanks. 
Hey. What are you doing? 
Well, maybe we should just forget about the cake?
Well, I believe there's some legal precedent - Winchell vs. Mahoney, 
That?
(To George) Easy big fella.
Yeah. I think it might have something to do with those checks.
Yeah, well, y'know what? If I gotta go, and spend time with this girl, then you're coming with me, Dr. Cyclops!
He's an importer/exporter.
It's never happened to me before.
(not really) Yeah.
Oh! but I do. There's probably fleas crawling all over your little snack bar. ( as he says this Newman is wildly scratching behind his back. he suddenly stops when Jerry turns around) 
Hi how are ya?
So you don't cry when your grandmother dies? But a hotdog makes you lose control?
Yeah.
O.K. from now on I want you to call me 'Jerry the Great'.
You spent the night at James's? Did we?
Absolutely not.
How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle!
All right. All right. I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do, I will give you double what you paid for it.
Surprise!
Oh, hi dad.
(Deeply sarcastic) No. You're never here.
So ,Who is he?
What about stone washing? You ever witness one of those? That must be something. What? Do they just pummel the jeans with rocks? 
Anyway, I don't need your help. (Turns to leave.)
(Excited) I can't believe I'm gonna be a mailman!
Hey, if you two are meant to be together...I'm sure the cops'll pick her up on something.
Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?
Fine, if I'm off yours.
Who?
No, but please tell me that's all you're gonna do with it.
All right! Lunch! 
These beans are pretty good.
You were watchin'? Where?
Hey George, there she is again. ...
 Do I know you?
Those eyebrows could use a trimming, you ever mention that to him?
So then we went to dinner.
Oh, George can't click! (George joins in the fight)
Well, they've gotta be here somewhere.
What about you?
He's good, you're not.
The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown. 'Who was that clown?', 'I'm not working with that clown, did you hire that clown?', 'The guy's a clown!'. How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that you want to be a clown, I guess you get to a point where you're pants look so bad, it's actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations done. Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus around them, is really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat of this guys Volkswagen, 'What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh man!'
Oh, I don't want to bother you.
There was cleavage in the area. That's a reflex - (mimics nudging someone with an elbow) - cleavage-poke, cleavage-poke...
Yes, but--
How do you like that.
I hate the Drake! Maybe the whole thing was a scam. Anybody can just get engaged and get presents and just keep them all. Maybe they're on their way to Chicago tomorrow and do the whole thing all over again.
Look at this.
I said pull over by the stop sign. 
You can't unclog it? 
So, Winona had the TV Guide. Told you I'd make it up to you. 
Come on. How was your date?
It's fine. Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for a while. And uh good luck!
Hey, let me ask you a question. You met margaret. Doo you think Margaret's good looking? Um, she's a natural beauty. Oh, no makeup. I like that.
Oh, Miss Changstein! This is Elaine...
You see -- ah, uh ...
Excuse me, uh...dentist? You a dentist? (The guy shakes his head. Jerry moves on to another guy.) Dentist? Are you a dentist?
 Hey.  What are you doing?
All right, forget it, forget it. I'm not taking the place!
We're still friends.
Gee, I just didn't expect it from the way you've been acting.
Yeah.
The one with the Poppie stain?!
'Hey, by the way, did you ever call that guy from the health club.?'
Hi.
Yes I know, I know.
Yeah, we'll do it another time.
How can you lose?
That's how it's gonna be.
Well, that's the thing. It was completely mutual.
I tried to get him one but Man-Hands almost ripped my arm out of the socket!
So you're never gonna have sex again?
(Hands him some mail) There you go. Merry Chirstmas!
I live in New York. (slams the cab door) What the hell happened?
Yeah, I know how you feel.
Well goody for you.
Kramer's guys?
I can do that.
I've been thinking about what it means to be complete.
Okay, one victim.
You're not Cartwri-
Oh, that was a strike! Did you see that?!
Listen, it's really been a pleasure taking care of your dog for a week, but if you don't mind...
That was Elaine , she changed her mind. She's not coming over.
I'll just call her when you leave!
No, it's tarragon. Hey Kramer, I'm sorry about that whole fight we had about you having my apartment keys and everything.
Oh. (chuckles) Really? You don't seem that desperate.
(Singing) Camera, curtains, lights - This is it, we'll hit the heights - Oh what heights we'll hit - On with the show this is it!
[Into intercom] Yes?
I don't want any!
'90.
Hey.
The Kavorka? What's that? 
The Charlie Macarthy hearings. 
Hey, I'm sorry about all that can opener stuff.
Yeah, and the curls. You like the curls?
Like a grandmother, why?
Yeah, well you're going.
I'll have to live with this shame for the rest of my life.
Oh, sure, yeah.
You know Newman , the thing about fleas is that they irritate the skin and they start to...itch. Oh! maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen or twenty but after a while, no matter how much will power a person may have. It won't matter, because they're crawling , crawling on your skin. Up your legs , up your spine , up your back..... 
What? After what you just went through, I thought you said you'd never say it again.
Nothing, nothing.
Why not you call him Maestro.
Reversed positions?
Aw, these are really strong glasses.
Yeah. Really. (Forming and idea) Hey, you know what? Maybe I could talk about that on the show.
Don't you see?...........It's all a big scam.
Alright, Newman. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling the strings for Kramer?
Date with Karen?
Sorry. Hang on.
You know I never though he would be able to recreate the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close.
Oh, no, not Frankie.
Bye. (Hangs up) 
Well, I'm sorry I'm not Brad. I'm me!
Hey, there's a booth.
No, no, I...
Ask her to drive us around. There's your opening.
 I'm sorry, uh-
Hey, look at this, c'mon, running wild there.
We split it.
Wait, wait a second! Go back, go back to that. (they watch it a little longer)
What is this? 'Murphy Brown'?
Why not you?
You're worse, much much worse. (crouches in booth) That's Davola!
Oh, it's my parents. My father came up to see a back specialist.
A month and a half we had. We did nothing. I can't believe we put it off until today and then we couldn't do anything because Elaine runs out to apologize to a virgin, crosses against a light, and knocks over a Chinese delivery boy. Now we're gonna make fools of ourselves, we got nothing. You're not even in show business. I gotta reputation. You drag me into the sewer with you. I've been on TV buddy boy. You know how fast word spreads in show business? It's like that (Snaps in George's face) , like that! One bad impression, you're outta the business!
So yesterday, after they took you away, I looked in my mail and I noticed that the mailman accidentally put your Visa renewal in my mail box.
You don't consider age in the face of cleavage. This occurs on a molecular level, you can't control it! We're like some kind of weird fish where the eyes operate independently of the head.
Aw, you know people.
Don't worry, they'll make friends fast with that nice TV.
Take it to the window.
Did you ask Kramer? 
Yeah. You almost ruined his life's work. 
well 
Oh, there you are!
Ya how was it?
(leaving; singing) She'll be coming around the mountain...
A bowl, ok?
(to the Barney's sales associate) Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find, like, women's moisturizer lotions?
 My door?
How can I live there?
Of course I want to talk about it.
I was out in the snow last night.
'Jimmy?
(no amused) Fantastic.
Good luck.
Nothing. A bottle broke. That's all. What do you mean, you're gonna move in here?
Hello.
I am. It was the world's first.
George Costanza is your mentor?
(calls) Hey, I'll take one.
So you ready for the assembly tomorrow? You know what you're gonna say about the Yankees?
(Shrugs) Oops. (Continues walking along the route, whistling. Hands a newspaper to a homeless bum on the street, then keeps walking)
What did you do?
What?
182 bucks.
Oh that's nice, kind of a hard-labour fantasy camp.
Fine, if I'm off yours.
Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other there's a chance they might somehow kiss.
I don't know.
Look at us, hurtling through space on this big, blue marble.
All right, that's enough of that. (Jerry takes the plates and hands them to a waitress.)
Sure.
(Frustrated, he reacts) Everybody's ripping me off! 
Nice to meet ya!
Eh...Varnsen. Kel Varnsen. Actually, this room intrigues me. Why is it called the TV room?
Hello? Oh, hi Roy. What? Oh my god. Wel-- how did this happen? What can I do? Oh. I am so sorry. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up) That was Roy. He's under investigation for insurance fraud.
It's one stupid thing after another. So let me ask you, when you come to one of these places, what do you bring your pocketbook?
Prediction. I never see you or him again for the rest of my life.
Hello is this Alicia? .This is Jerry Seinfeld.
I was in the men's room the other day and they had the hand blower, instead of the paper towels, you know this thing. I like the hand blower I have to say. It takes a little bit longer, but I feel when you're in a room with a revolting stench you want to spend as much time as you can.
It is so my business!
I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything!
Uh huh. Well uh, I'll give you a call, and thanks for the fish. By the way, you know why fish are so thin?
Oh there's that clown again, what does he want from me. Look I?m serious, I?m not kidding, I don't have the quarter, that guy took it.
Alright, c'mon up.
No! Stop it! Kramer, stop it!
That's strange...
Do you realize his obsession with you cost us a TV series?
Why can't you get it?
You should try this new dental floss Glide, it's fantastic.
Oh well if it isn't Shakey the Mohel! Nice job on the circumcision but it's not supposed to be a finger.
What is this thing around your neck? 
I Love you.
The New York Yankees?!
Yeah,, me too.
Oh, you hung up on my Nana?!
Right. I forgot about choir.
I thought there were two outs.
You know, I really need to use the bathroom.
Oh, no!
Yes he did.
Well, I'm great.
So what your genitals are still lined up.
(lacking enthusiasm) Yeah, yeah.
Oh, really?
I'm a good son.
Show the doll - show the picture of George's mother.. it's pretty funny. (Moving toward the phone) I'm gonna call them.
C'mon, out with it.
Oh, the trunk's broken, it's rattling.
What happened to Karen?
Get me some duty free Kahlua.
Oh, no, the woods! The hole!
It's European.
So You're not going?
 Oh, okay.
Yeah, that's true.
Naw, I gotta wait until its just the right time.
I may not look like a Murphy but I act like a Murphy.
(on to something) Wait a second... wait a second!! (he watches the TV for another minute) The letter, that's the letter!
By Elaine Benes?
Well, take it easy.
Better.
Outside! I saw him outside!
What do you mean? They know we're here.
You see, I've been home for a week and Elaine didn't give me my mail until yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it.
You know what we could do? He eats at that restaurant, Pfeiffer's? We could have Gail call us, tell us the next time he's there, go there and talk to him.
[To Rep] I dunno what happened, we were just trying to take him to the dentist.
Oh, the nerve. You know, some people have asked me if you've uh, done that.
(pointing at the operation he mouths the words) Did it go in?
Hey, guess what? The Drake broke up.
Number one? 
Yeah. 
So?
Really.
Why? What happened?
(still outside)  What was that?
Look at you, you're still thinking about it. I'll never feel comfortable.
Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night?
I have an idea. (Elaine enters; to Elaine) We can make the nine-thirty at Cinema Three.
You see? That's just what I need. More kissing!
'That's the guy?'
He's gonna talk into her other ear.
I know.
Aw, we didn't go. Sheila and I are kind of on the outs.
Ramon, what are you doing here? You could get in trouble.
All right. Look, I'll tell ya what, I'll give you $50. Now, be reasonable you cannot turn down $50 for a $6 rye.
But it's a big complex.
I did.
Oh, hi.
Well, I can't argue with that, but the fact remains... I was completely... (to himself, cursing her) Mulva!
I don't like this Kramer. Will it be much longer? 
About what? How to calculate five percent of a restaurant check?
I wrote a 20 minute bit about how homework stinks.
Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in the box, like you told me, but sometimes it says, like, 'Photographs - Do not bend'.
(exasperation) You are such an idiot. Well, we gotta get the car cleaned up for my parents.
Please, Mrs Hamilton, this is very awkward for me.
You got the tickets?
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. La-la-la. (haha)
Looking everywhere for some kind of meaning...
What the hell is this?
Balk?! How was that a balk?! You have any snacks?
I told you.
Why don't we just rent a movie?
This is Jerry Seinfeld.
Yeah
You're right. My fault.
Yeah.
They eat fish.
23 000.
I don't know about defraying.
What did he say?
What happened?
(Mumbling out) Thank you, Bryant.
You should try this.
Oh who made you a Mohel? Whadya, get your degree from a matchbook?
ca. 
You know you're funcifying the whole building. 
What are you doing? 
Goodnight. (They kiss goodnight, then promptly roll away from each other and go to sleep.)
He also came up with an idea for a brimless rain-hat but that never materialized. (to Morty) Alright come on let's play.
Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza?
Where you going?
You told Nana to drop dead?!
As a mater of fact, he did.
Hey, Elaine. Did you get my message?
Y'know I'm sorry you had to leave so early the other night.
Right. You know, the Wall being down and everything.
We had quite a little chat.
What about his house in Tuscany, he mention that?
I don't know...
Just like that.
Hello, Susan? It's Jerry.
(answering) Hello?
Elaine? What does she have to - (notices Newman looking up at him longlingly.) Oh no...
Well, there's only one thing to do. Eliminate her.
Oh, small world. So little people can have not little people children?
Sounded good.
Uh, yeah, I think I do. I can never find anything in here. Ah, here it is. So, that Joe Mayo throws the worst parties, doesn't he? So what was your job?
Well I can't go to a bad movie by myself. Who am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to, strangers? Eh, I guess I'll just go to my uncle's.
Oh, thank god. Why is it dark out? What time is it?
(to Kramer) ...( words missing)...laugh , everything's nice and at the end of the night I go for a little contact. I get the PULL BACK. This woman said the filthiest things I've ever heard in my life. I get the Pull Back.
 You certainly are.  What's going on?
Yeah? Does he wear slippers? I bet he wears slippers.
Oh, wait a second, I believe we have a heckler ladies and gentlemen. Hey Dick I don't know what your problem is. It's not my fault you're back on the wagon.
No, we're having an intervention
This is the letter she wrote to me, she stole it right from the movie!
Elaine's writing a 'Murphy Brown'?
No.
No, no, would you get up?
The whole thing is so stupid. Like he wouldn't do the same thing if Elaine walked by in a low-cut dress.
Um, well, his false teeth got mangled up in the garbage disposal--
Whatever you want me to tell them.
...Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing *into* the patient!
Just in time for Amy.
All right. Flush twice. 
What'ya do with the one you took? 
So what do you have to say for yourself?
Why what happened?
Wow! That's amazing!
Kramer?
How can I ever have you over? You'll sit there moping.
My act? Wha-What does that have to do with anything?
Oh, well, of course. Nineteen-seventy-three.
Is he still in town?
What is so funny?
'Can't believe your going out with him...'
Yeah, I saw him.
It's tremendous.
Feel much better here at my home base, Jean-Paul. It's a controlled environment.
Yeah. Wha - wha - what are you, happy?
What?
Give me that rye!
All right, fine. Come over here. (Hangs up phone)
Well what could I do? Unless you pay him a visit.
Oh, you know what?
Investigation? 
As a matter of fact, I happen to have a prot&eacute;g&eacute; of my own.
Teddy Padillac. Long time, no see. (pointing at the umbrellas) What've you got in a push-button mini.
What?
My car? You drove it into the swamp!
(hurried) Great, bye.
I like it.
So we could do the voice. (doing the voice) La-la-la. What's the matter?
When all the while, the real secret to happiness has been right in front of us!
Well, sleepy here is quite a weasel, maybe he can bat for you.
You know, that batter is, like, 30 years old.
No.
Not Pennypacker!
I told you we shouldn't do it.
He's never guiled. You know some women keep a lot of important papers in their, uh, pocket books. Like for example oh, someone else's personal financial papers.
No, it&Mac226;s, it's supposed to be really bad, *really* bad. I mean it's long, there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring, I heard. i...
Yeah..
Come on up.
Dublin. Originally. Parents came over here when I was eighteen. Cereal famine. Couldn't get a bowl anywhere. Bad. 'Tis a beautiful country though; lush rolling hills, and the peat, ah the peat.
'...'cause you don't even make the slightest effort to offer happiness still know that I love you!!'
Binaca?
Well not technically.
Wait a second... My jacket! I wore that in the car! The Beast!
We're not gettin' that TV.
Alright. So?
No one knows.
(Looking down at the shirt; mumbling) Oh, thank you.
Not even once?
Nice Mohel picking, Elaine. You picked a helluva Mohel!
What's the matter with you? 
Kramer. (knock, knock, knock) Kramer. 
Elaine, as your legal counsel I must advise against this. 
I can't believe it.
You're going to see Genderson?
Yes, it is!
It's like I'm talking to my Aunt Sylvia here.
What is that, the Empire State Building?
(after entering)  The bedroom!
Oh, that guy was your cousin! (walking in front of George so he gets the picture to leave)
Yes, about how you're very jealous of George. How you wished it was you who were getting married instead of him.
You know when I told him it was beautiful there, out of the clear blue sky he says there's nothing to rent. As if he doesn't want anyone else there.
...so the woman was walking around in a bra...
(Disappointed) Oh. Is George there?
Oh, I don't believe this.
Well, I know she doesn't want to have kids. (Newman considers the implications of this.)
Then what is my check still doing up? We had a deal!
(firmly matter-of-fact) Get Rid of Susie. Make her disappear.
Could you excuse us please?
Again, Mr Mandelbaum, this back specialist is supposed to be the best. So if there's anything else I can do, please don't hesitate to, uh, try and find my number.
So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to hime that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. Those people can be so touchy.
She said she'll do it.
Hey, if you got any juice left, you might wanna roll by the big showcase tonight.
Look, there was an awkward moment in the conversation. It never happened before.
What, he doesn't like my taste in music?
We've been breaking up for 10 hours?
So how's it goin' at work? They get tired of it?
 Listen, I'm really sorry but I'm just on my way out to meet a friend.
I could tell.
In the old days how do you think they got the alcohol from town to town?
There's a friend of ours on drugs and we're going to confront him.
Yeah, but--
Wait a second! (They fight over the paper.)
Oh, no...
Uh, THANKS! This is FUN! Yeah, this turned out to be a GREAT weekend.
No.
No.
Well, after he bit my friend--
No.
Into the patient, *literally*!
(to George) No. (to Kramer) I told you not to say anything.
All right? 
Why should I have anything for say for myself?
I don't know about you, but I'm getting a hankering for some doublemint gum. Alright, I'm dropping you off at work, right? 
Just put it.
Ah come on.
Hey.
What clothes?
You know, I don't know the exact pronunciation but I believe its Manage A Trois.
 I see you, Newman!  I see you!
You're already moping! Would you take the place?
I can't believe this. So what are you saying? You didn't like my act, so that's it?
Wonder about what?
Hello. Oh, hi mom. (listens) What? Oh my... He didn't?! He couldn't! (listens) Alright, I will. (listens) Okay, bye.
'I dunno. He's so strange.'
Well, not exactly.
I'm in heaven.
Hey, believe me, if I'd been with you there in Barcelona...you'd be polishing that medal right now. (covers Jean-Paul with a blanket)
I don't know, but you look like you're happy.
Fire station?
Look Ramon, about the other day. I'm sorry if I offended you. I get a little crabby on the subway.
Absolutely. Let's just stick around.
I want that rye, lady!
You wanna know? Come on outside.
They're not going back to Florida. They're moving here.
Oh, no. It's no big deal. I left the clubs in the car.
Hello Newman. 
A Mister Kenneth Bania.
Bailed? C'mon, you knew I wanted to be a comedian. Besides, we had some good time. Remember Tropical Storm Renee?
How did they know?!
(smiling with pleasure) You know, that almost makes this all worthwhile.
Too good.
What?
No, it can do anything. It can be Spanish. (doing the voice) Hola. Hello-o-o-o.
Elaine...
Nothing, I got up, run some errands, I went down to Sara's office and apologized...
I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen!
He's got a house, a family, they could take away his license. You should have heard him. Three notes, how stupid was that? We never should have got three notes.
there are no copies.
Well, George told me the whole story, line for line, I mean I almost feel like I've seen it already and walked out on it.
Come on up . (looks at his watch) ...What's he doing here now?
Uh, nuthin'. Then he took me home.
We were right on the border.
Let me rephra-
I always thought there was something funny about this letter! She copied it right out of Chapter 2! She a thief, a bunko-artist!
Yeah, it's one of my favorites.
So tell us about the trip. How's Dr. Reston?
Hello there you are.
Well what about her?
This... **thing**... has got to be stopped!
Well, maybe he doesn't have a 'get outta here' kind of personality.
Yeah, it's a puffy shirt.
You're an idiot.
Oh don't threaten me, Butcher Boy.
You know the whole idea of taking the car service was so I wouldn't have to fight the traffic on Friday night. 
You just had one yesterday. What do you need another one for? 
Ya?
Alright.
Elaine, would you marry me?
Friend!
You really should.
I don't know.
(aghast) Uncle Leo put Nana in a home!
It didn't take much prodding either, I must say.
I don't know. Maybe he's embarrassed by Americans.
... I mean it's no big deal. You're still drivin'. You should have been watching the road.  
Uh, listen, this is important. Tell him to meet me at the TV studio with a picture of his mother and that doll that looks like her.
Hey!
New deal?
She's Gooone.
We're talking.
What?
Hang on.
That's right, and I'll tell you what. I'm feeling a little off.
It wasn't me, it was Mr. Mandelbaum.
Nothing. And neither will you. George can never know about this.. It'll crush him.
Why? It's our place.
You should've been there last year. I got jiggy with it!
Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism. Cannibalism, what do they say, I mean, they're eating and, you know, 'This is good, who is this? I like this person'. You know, I mean, I would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some very deep sleep, you know what I mean? I would think, you'd be like, (pretending to wake up) 'Who is that? Who's there? Who's there? Is somebody there? What do you want? What do you want? You look hungry, are you hungry? Get out of here!'
Lopper. You know, Lisi, maybe we should give this a little more time. See how it looks in the light of day.
Double zero?
 No, really, I just got off the phone with him.
On the wagon. Don't you think they broke into a couple of those bottles along the way?
But Kramer--
It was a so-so sorry.
All right, here!
Yeah, it's so nice when it happens to you.
Oh, it's comin'. - Here ya' go.
Hi.
What?
Ya.
Oh, there's no emergency...
Yes, the hole!
Hey look at this. What is going on here?
Well you'll have to go to the supermarket.
Rabies.
I know. I'm late. Hey now I know two signs, (puts his hand in the air) check, and (points to his watch) late. Hey this is the guy you helped become the first ball man. 
No, I believe he can.
All right, I'll see you later. 
A-Ahahahahah. Who told you?
Poppie's 
(confused) He what?
Good. How was the roulette?
Tonight?
No.
Uh?
You found the place.
You're a cashier!
You think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me?
'Did you notice he always refer to himself in the third person. Jimmy can dunk. Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy we'll see you later.'
I don't know if he's mad.
That wake-up guy was trouble! All right, I'll be right back. (goes knocking on Kramer's)
You can't fool me. Don't insult me, George because I know when you're happy.
Nah, I gotta go down to Leapin' Larry's.
What happened to all the towels?
Shut up, you old bag!
Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting involved. What you need is an impartial mediator.
Because your parents are going down there. My buffer zone just went from twelve hundred miles down to two feet! You gotta do something.
I forgot.
I'm gonna mentor this kid to the top.
(Pleading) I tried my best!
You're on fire today.
(humouring him) That's very nice.
Hello?
Hey George, one second, she's having a party friday night and she wants me to take care of the invitations.
Really?
I'm asking Elaine to marry me.
Well, I tried to apologise, it didn't go over that well...
Yeah, you, me and George.
Who makes copies?
All I said was 'I like the pen'.
You and George got together?
Filthy pigs.
She must be psychotic or something.
Blue Escort? That's my rent-a-car!
(smiling) Yeah
Hi Elaine, this is Angela.
Go outside and see if he's still there.
Things are good?
Well, I had to talk to you - I noticed you haven't been returning my calls.
Babu?!
I, I'm sorry.
Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
(Nervous laughter) Yeah.. like a pirate.. (Attempting to get on another subject) Anyway, ah, you know, we're hoping to, um, raise enough money.. with this.. uh..
Right, anyone who uses dental tape is an idiot.
Ya what was this? (HE IMITATES MOHEL'S FLINCHING)
Oh please. 
No I haven't seen it yet.
You kept makin' all the stops?
(buzzes Elaine up) Come on up.
'Greatest Show on Earth'!
Alright. Forget it.
So, um, do you date uh immature men?
Uh, you know, why don't you go first, you just had a long trip.
(suspicious) I don't know. Maybe to keep her quiet.
He did it.
In all of Tuscany? I wonder.
(shouting) Man that thing is noisy!
I don't think my attitude has changed.
(Obviously resents talking to her) Yes.
(looking after the guys) That nut is always up to something.
How's it look?
This is Outrageous! (To Marcelino) Pack of Juicy Fruit.
(impatient) Gone! (starts maniacally laughing) (briefly stops to point and explain) That bumper sticker.
You know, we never had one fight before this deal.
Kramer, he's just a dentist.
That's right, I'm taking a dive.
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.
What's wrong with yours?
You're like eight years old.
No good. Too many people know the combination.
Oh.. I know who's cooking today!
Lopper.
 Look, you can hang out here if you want.
They had smooth trails. What about the Cumberland Gap?
What are you talking about? She completely misrepresented herself! (mimicking the letter) I don't offer happiness. I offer happiness! James Caan doesn't offer happiness!
Elaine is writing a sitcom...! (Elaine enters the room behind Jerry and George. Jerry spots her and tosses his half of the script at George. George throws it back and paper goes flying everywhere.)
No thanks.
Oh, it was very funny. There was one great scene with the chef - what was his name?
Ah, just - takin' a little break.
Excuse me. (Gets up and answers the door.) Alright, what is it? You're interrupting!
No!
Oh so what I'm going to buy all your fruit now?
Hi!
I'm watching Edward Scissorhands. 
You told Testikov, (Elaine nods) that Tolstoy wanted to name his book 'War-- What Is IT Good For?'?
He took what out?
Yeah, all she had to do was buy Mr. Pitt a pair of socks!
Well, I have some money. What do you need? (pulls out some bills)
What am I doing here? You're in the women's dressing room. I need that ticket stub back so I can get my mother's fur coat out.
Hey, do you know what the Whip does?
All right, forget it, it's over, I'm not moving.
You know, I really... I've come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in your life that they're just always your friends, and you have to accept it. You see them, you don't really wanna see them. You don't call them, they call you. You don't call back, they call again. The only way to get through talking with people that you don't really have anything in common with is to pretend you're hosting your own little talk show. This is what I do. You pretend there's a little desk around you. The only problem with this is there's no way you can say, 'Hey, it's been great having you on the show. We're out of time.'
You can't go by the audience that night. It was late. They were terrible.
But I went to the funeral.
Really?
'That's Jimmy. That's the way he talks.'
Well, I didn't really get a good 'hello', but see, I was at a funeral.
Is that so?
Yeah, we straightened it out, all is forgiven.
C'mon, c'mon.
You know what you're doing, don't you? You're killing Independent Jerry! I gotta go see my Uncle Leo. I think he may have made a big mistake.
I can't. The car's at the mechanics.
Well, I don't think I want to date a prot&eacute;g&eacute; whose mentor is a Costanza.
You know, this is your coat.
Well, I don't know how official any of these rankings really are.
35, and George, on the invitations...
Elaine?
What, she gave me hives?
Lisi, Lisi. Let me in! We can work this out. I was wrong, you were right. I'll do anything!
Yeah.
Hello.
I'm not giving you her number.
Isabel, uh, I don't think this is working.
What happened to the car?
It's NOT a surprise party! Yeah (to intercom)
Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump, not too hard, you know, doesn't have to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he was there.
Well I think I get the gist of it.
Well, what are we supposed to do? I gotta take Kramer to the doctor.
Uh oh.
Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star. (Jerry enters meeting)
Because I - I thought we had a good time the other night, an' the only explanation I can come up with is that you think that you caught me (flustered, he indicates a nose pick)
Babu, I'm gonna fix everything! I have a lawyer who knows someone in the Immigration Department, they're gonna straighten the whole thing out, the wheels are in motion, things are happening even as we speak!
Kramer, listen, I want you to ask Gail to do me a favor. The next time Russell Dalrymple comes in the restaurant, ask her if she would call me.
Well, I brought them up there to take his records--
Hey. What happened to you yesterday?
Uh-huh, yeah. (Smiling, nodding, clearly wanting Bryant to shut up)
Hey, hey, what is this? What's going on here?
It was not!
Well, did you get the ball? 
I'm going
That's a great place!
Well, they certainly take up a lot of space.
Um, you know, it's the damnedest thing. It went away.
(not as eager) Hi Joan.
That's what's so fascinating.
Yeah, listen, do me a favor. Set your mental alarm for 6:30 and gimme a call.
It's been a terrible situation down there the past couple of days. He's really been making things uncomfortable for me. There's always a big pile of dirty towels in front of my locker ...
(quietly, yet in a high and whiney tone) Well, I don't know if I....
Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone whose heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion of any kind.
Well, what d'you think?
Huh?
Aw, it was so many years ago. Who cares?
85 cents? That is Outrageous!
(quietly) Hey, uh, Milos, I don't mind rolling over here, but could you lighten up on the 'not a man' stuff?
Never.
I am not an anti-dentite!
I'm laying down! Then we'll see how he does up there, without all the assistance.
All right, but this is it, this is the last favor, we're even!
Hey, Georgie!
 No, it's-
I know enough not to get on them.
Hello.
What? What?
It's been three days already, forget about Lupe.
Oh, Pepe. Yeah, Pepe. And, uh, he was making tamales.
Hi, how are you doing? Nice to see you all here. Hello.
This is an emergency? You need a bathing suit?
Because it's a little mint. It's a *Junior* Mint.
Hello... Oh hi Patty, thanks for calling me back. I-I just wanted to ask you a question: when we we're going out did you have orgasms?... Okay, thanks... No that's it... Ya, Okay, bye.
Yeah all right. 
Can I take a guess?
He took It, Out?
She's right, George. Bottle-wipe is big.
I don't know.
Where are your pants?
The Whip. In the Senate, in the House.
(annoyed) Ma, will you go already?
Definitely?
I have other stuff. Y-You should come see me on the weekend.
Well, I can't wear it.
'Jimmy's gonna put the moves on Elaine..'
See, so I don't know if I got a funeral 'hello' or he was mad because he didn't get his day-after 'thank you'.
You better finish your little caf&eacute; latte there. They won't let you in with it.
Disgusting?
No I didn't.
C'mon, you're lucky to have anybody.
No, no, you can't. He's working on the car right now. You can not disturb him while he's working. But I'm going down there in like an hour, if you wanna meet me down there. You know the place, it's on fifty-sixth street?
Kramer, Marcelino wants us to sell him Little Jerry Seinfeld.
(surprise) This is your son?
Lippman?
She did kind of touch my face.
Oh my god. This drawer is filled with Fruit Loops!
(in his parent's condo, to his father, who's in another room) Hey, Dad. You know you can program this thing to beep every time you need to take a vitamin. (as Kramer comes walking out in a retirement-like athletic sweatsuit) Dad, you look so different.
No. I'm waiting for...
You what?
What's up?
Jerry.
Sheriff?........What's with the hat?
Yeah, come on up. ... It's not him.
He asked me if I was doing anything Friday night.
What car?
Good idea.
Did you see that?
No good?
But I was clearly on the outer edge of the nostril.
The wheels are in motion, things are happening!
Ok. (Kramer goes back to his apartment.)
You are.
Patty Lawrence had 'em!
(Losing it, mad) Look, it's not my shirt.
You want something to drink? 
Well, I never even caught a foul ball at a baseball game. 
Ok
George, I wouldn't get too excited about this stuff, you know, things have a way of evening out.
Women need to like the job of the guy they're with. If they don't like the job, they don't like the guy. Men know this. Which is why we make up the phony, bogus names for the jobs that we have. 'Well, right now, I'm the regional management supervisor. I'm in development, research, consulting...' Men on the other hand ' if they are physically attracted to a woman ' are not that concerned with her job. Are we? Men don't really care. Men'll just go, 'Really? Slaughterhouse? Is that where you work? That sounds interesting. So whaddaya got a big cleaver there? You're just lopping their heads off? That sounds great! Listen, why don't you shower up, and we'll get some burgers and catch a movie.'
Don't you think she woulda heard I was there?
Good to have you back.
Pretty good.
He's put his faith in you. He's put his faith in you.
And then when I come out of the pool, my towel's always gone.
Kramer I don't think I can--
I bought it for you. It's yours.
Hey!
Elaine, let me ask you something. When I told you my breakup was mutual, did you believe me?
So, could I...
We got along beautifully.
They do have their own schools!
I like your nails, that is a great color.
We're four months apart.
See, never bet against the backslide. I knew you two would get back together.
I'll be here.
Sounds like he runs a real tight ship.
 No, of course not, just close the door when you leave.
How's he doing?
Wild pack of teenagers, huh?
No, I don't.
How come the psychiatrist, every, the hour is only fifty minutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, 'Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another headcase!'
Oh, uh, nice to meet you. Where's Russell?
There you are. Did you find him?
I don't know, my bathing suit? That's a little familiar, I don't want your...your boys down there.
They sealed him up with the mint inside.
Mugged?
Hey Todd.
Listen, Matthew, I-I want to explain something to you. Now, cursing is not something that most comedians do.
Oh I don't know, he threw your organizer out the window?
He couldn't.
(still watching tv; sounds like basketball) Bottle-wipe supercedes it.
What? You sold your pants to Bania. Let me in.
What are you doing?!
Alright, then just get rid of it. You won't have any problem.
'Why?'
Look, what do you want me to do?
Because they don't allow outside drinks into the movie.
Well, I guess I have all the more reason to get back with her.
Swinging? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.
Hey, Tony.
Could I just buy an umbrella?
Boy, he didn't know what he was up against. (George laughs) So, when do you move into the apartment?
But Kramer, cockfighting is an illegal and immoral activity.
Can I help you?
It does itch. Maybe I will go down at Kruger and talk to her.
And milk.
Oh. Sounds great.
Why'd you do that?
(on phone)Yes, I'm trying to get a copy of a receipt for a computer that I bought there.... it was 1987 ... I remember I talked to a guy - he had like a maroon sport jacket - and he might have had a toupee - oh, it was a weave - ok uh, then I'll come bye ok, bye.
About what?
What are doing here now?
We don't know!
So then as I was getting out of the car, ...
It's not complicated.
It was funny!
Thanks.
Well.
But there - but there was no pick! I - I did not pick! There ws no piick!
Look, sweetheart, you know you've got it all. But let's face it... (Kramer comes back.)
Because that's your thing!
Yeah.
What's the difference? I agreed to wear it. It's - it's a puffy shirt. I feel ridiculous in it, and I think it's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen, to be perfectly honest with you. (Nodding)
If you want to watch, sit down. You're making me nervous. I tell you this Scissorhands is a hell of a barber. 
Why don't you get somebody else? 
I thought it was a pretty good idea. It's about coffee tables, it's on a coffee table. 
Hi Elaine.
Leo?
Why'd you sell your pants to Bania?
Who figures and immigrant's gonna have a pony?
Yeah, go ahead, take it.
She's as good as anybody else.
Okay, great.
Oh, I wouldn't quite say that.
Frankly, I'm a little concerned.
Tell me about it.
Well, I'm just not sure how I feel about it, Kramer.
I bought you a Cadillac. (hands over the keys) Here you go.
Not yet. (Points over to a man sitting in one of the room's chairs. Whispers) The other guy.
I gotta do some research here.
It was wonderful.
(jocular) You got any kids?
This old thing?
No, I don't think so. I've seen you two together. You make each other miserable. It's kismet.
She didn't touch it.
Good-bye, Koko.
Anybody want to take a walk down to 48th street? I think I may have tracked down another receipt.
 Really, I'm sorry.  Maybe another time.
Amazing how they picked you, out of everyone, to terrorize.
Yeah, maybe they should throw in a couple of lamps too.
Well, we've thought about this in a variety of ways. But the basic idea is I will play myself-
(back in booth) He's gonna get a muffin and then he'll walk us outside. This is a great way to go through life.
It's a tell. You gotta tell.
I know, I know.
Oh, poor Blossom. (He sits)
Alright, Ma, I'll talk to you later.. Nothing, I'm, I'm watching, uh, Tiny Toons here, on Nickelodeon.. It's, I-I like kid shows. They have a very innocent, wholesome quality. Okay, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye. (Hangs up) 
Your boys should stay in their neighborhood.
Yes!
Why didn't you use the bathroom in the building?
Hello Elaine? Patty Lawrence had orgasms what do you think about that? And I got calls in to six other women and I bet you they confirm an orgasm too. So what do you have to say now Elaine?... Hello?
That's true. But it was an accident. And I haven't done it since. And I would never do it again. And if you continue cursing, you'll never become a comedian like me when you grow up. (phone rings) Excuse me one second.
Because I know who has it.
Hello. 
(motions of making out) Well you were involved in some sort of amorous...
Hi how are you?
You can't look in there, we're playing!
What is the pony? What is the point of the pony? Why do we have these animals, these ponies? What do we do with them? Besides the pony ride. Why ponies? What are we doing with them? I mean, police don't use them for, you know, crowd control. (Jerry crouches down, and makes like he's riding a pony.) 'Hey, uh, you wanna get back behind the barricades. Hey! Hey, little boy. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Behind the barricades!' So somebody, I assume, genetically engineered these ponies. Do you think they could make them any size? I mean, could they make them like the size of a quarter, if they wanted? That would be fun for Monopoly, though, wouldn't it? Just have a little pony and you put him on the... 'Baltic, that's two down, go ahead. Hold it. Right there. Baltic. Yeah, that's it. Fine. Right there, hold it right there.'
'I don't know how you can eat that spicy chicken,'
No. No, I can't!
That's the rule.
What?
Anyway, thanks for having me back, and sorry about the misunderstanding.
Can you blame her?
Sure.
(shock) What?!
What's the matter with you?
No, no more cockfighting. Let's just sell him to Marcelino the cockfighter and be done with it!
(trying to defuse the situation) Look, no-one is lifting anything.
(From outside the apartment) Hello?
You know, you can put that whole schedule right in your daily planner.
Oh, I can't. I'm busy. I'm going away on a long weekend.
Of course I was getting you a note.
Too bad.
The average person in a situation like this, they walk right by it. Not me.
Why wouldn't he?
Hi Elaine.
Well... (picks up some of the pages) From what I saw...
Yeah, yeah, you're right. Excuse me, excuse me. Would you mind. I'd like to take the picture back.
No! No pick!
Yeah, that's your thing.
Why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong?
Well, that's it! Tonight's the night. I'm getting one. No 'if and's or but's'. 
Where you going? 
How're things going?
Uncle Leo! What are you doing here?
So is she working? Is she here?
Where are your clothes?
Oh, because of all the singing?
Yeah you've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again.
Oh, I'm delighted.
Bridget!
I'm a guy ' it always looks like that.
4:02? (Checks his wristwatch) Aaa-aaahhh! Eight forty seven Jean-Paul! Wake up! Wake uuuuup!
You're meeting Susan for lunch at the coffee shop?
Nothing's happened.
What?
Oh, I'm the doofus?
No, I didn't shoot this one. I'm just scouting the location.
So I think we should just forget the whole deal, and go back to being friends.
I don't feel like eating.
What's that?
Done.
20 thousand dollars from Kruger? You're not keeping this.
You ripped off a Ziggy?
Kramer, maybe this relationship isn't for you.
George?
 They guy's in my house right now.  What a mistake that party was, I never should have gone.
How much did you wound up tipping her?
Go ahead.
(bossy) What are you doing?
When you ask someone about their relationship and they touch their face, you know it's not going too well. Go ahead ask me how it's going with somebody.
I was always late. It was frustrating me. I'm sorry, I really am.
Oh, he ran to say something to David Letterman.
(Trying to block out Kramer, he starts to sing along with the TV) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus.. 
Beautiful.
Alright. It's in the top drawer. Hurry up. (Kramer goes to get the suit. Elaine enters.)
Yes they *eat* them. They don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!
Yeah?
(Pointing off screen, nodding) THAT I heard.
Because the woman who got hit in the head with it found my name, called me up, and we met!
So how was the pie? 
You mean he just
What's the matter?
Hi.
'What's that?'
Look, we got five hours before the game. I am betting it was a funeral 'hello'. He knows we're here, he knows the number, he knows we want to go. There's plenty of time for him to call and give us the tickets.
You're still with the pact?
Oh sure.
Well, I change it so often, I mean to come all the way down here...
Seth, you're the manager, can't you turn off that sign?</font>
How ya doin'?
What giant freak-head?
Of what?
(under his breath) Oh no.
That's right, Choochie. Let's see how Bania does without the cushy timeslot.
Frankie! Frankie! Frankie! Frankie, is that you?
Neither did you, that's how he got caught. We sent in four notes from two doctors.
Don't be alarmed.
What's up?
So how'd you hit the car?
We're having the intervention for Richie.
He'll have a lot of catching up to do, I guess.
Take it easy, you guys, just spread out! Don't worry about it, if anything was wrong she would have called you already!
What date? It's a GUY.
Alright Elaine.
Sounds like you did some pretty nifty maneuvering,
I was locked out of my apartment, I'm just trying to get my keys.
I, I'm not happy with what I wrote.
Yeah.
(to George) You know, I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo.
All this? It's too much. What do you need five mangos for?
(whining like Kramer) Ask Newman. 
My Indian? 
No. That's out of the question.
You told her?
Why? Why are they doing that?
Oh.
Have you said anything to her?
You mean what you were wearing?
So George, how do I beat this lie detector?
You too.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I got stuck out of town. I missed our whole time together.
Nah...
Come on, just put your clothes on! You'll get dressed in the car!
Uh, again? (Limping towards the door) I'll be right there.
I'm meeting George for lunch at the coffee shop.
(Joking around) Well, that's one hell of a gig. (Turning around, he picks up a box labeled 'Ori-dent') Hey, look, I got something for you. The Ori-dent!
You know, it occurs to me that Kramer is at karate right now.
You'll get your tape. But here's what I'm gonna need. I'm gonna need three cameras, two on the floor, one in the balcony. And I want headsets for the guys runnin' 'em. I wanna be able to talk to 'em.
You what?
Yeah, that's right.
Well, what's wrong?
Oh. Yeah.
You're in there again.
Excuse me?
I see that Ziggy's back at the complaint department.. 'The New Yorker is stealing my ideas.' ha ha ha See that's funny.....'cause it's real.
Great. Uh, you know what? Why don't you put it in the car so I don't toss it in that dumpster?
Of course, I always do.
 Oh, come on.
How's it coming?
How's it going?
Well, communism didn't work.
What, are you ordering food now?
Good, going good (scratches chin) And the higher up on the face you go the worse the relationship is getting. You know it is like - pretty good - not bad - I gotta get out.  (scratches chin, nose then covers eyes with hands)
I woulda taken you to the airport.
Yeah, he just walked by.
Oh, hi, Elaine.
Come on up.
(quickly moves over toward Matthew) What the *beep*(fuck) are you doing? You little piece of *beep*(shit)!
I don't have it!
The apple pie you had today at Monks 
Are you sure?
What the hell is that?
Hey, Tim.
What? He can't do that.
She wanted to thank us for the apartment.
Right. I am.
'No no you said George likes spicy chicken.'
All I did was shake your hand.
Oh, no, no, no, wait a second, wait a second... th-th-that--
I really wanna...
Have you tried the hamentashen?
Well, don't worry about it. Once he passes the test, you'll have sex again, and you'll be fine.
So, it's actually gotten to you? You're playing right into his hands!
Kramer, give me that rooster!
(To his parents) So? What do you think?
(laconic) We're already in a hospital.
If you'll excuse me.
Have a nice night.
I didn't hear anything.
I'm O.K. My capillaries burst.
Boy, those Scientologists. They can be pretty sensitive.
So just start it.
So I assume the jig was up.
It's not even my car, it's a rental.
Well, uh..
How up to date?
Already?
It was just a couple of blocks.
No, believe me it's not good. I'll mail you a new one with something really funny written on it.
Come on, you gotta let us in
I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the outside! (Intercom buzzes. He answers it) Yeah?! 
Come on up.
Yeah.
Avocado? I don't know how to pick out an avocado.
Because I had a bad experience with a hair when I was younger.
You don't understand. This organ, it's very... schizophrenic.
The jewel thief?
Are you going to say anything?
How'd you expect to get out of here?
Look.
I'll try and remember that.
Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.
Hi, Louise.
Really? (They start to make out, Jerry sees the pilot on the plane) Oh my God, that's him! That's the pilot!
Kramer, what happened to the building?! The electricity went out!
Shut up, you old bag!
Well, it's a delicate mechanism - It, you know, needs lots of packaging.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Kramer...
You mean it's... (She nods) No this. No that. No this or that. Oh, boy. Hmmm. What do you want?
Well, I thought it's about time we put aside all this silliness. I know now you didn't put anything in my toilet bowl. (pause) Did you?
One second. Hello.
Talk to me.
I don't know, this? (Shows his neck to Sara.)
You want to give something back? Start with the 20 thousand dollars.
Hey! Kramer come on in. You've got to watch this, now she's got nothing.
A long, long weekend.
Prognosis Negative.
 I've never had a job.
Seen any good movies lately?
I did not!
Really?
What happened to the muffin?
Neither do I. (to intercom) Yeah?
Yeah, good idea.
What is it?
(struggling to open a bottle with his bandaged finger) I can't do it. (A LA GODFATHER) Look what they did to my boy, They massacred my boy.
Good. What's the matter? 
Because she's not returning it until she gets the money back for the hospital bill.
Pretty good, wasn'it? I told you you should've tasted it. 
There was no mistaking it?
Well, I can't sleep with that noise.
He'll be here any second.
Did you say, 'Jerry, I didn't think you'd show' or, 'Jerry, I didn't think you'd show'? (Elaine comes over.)
Don't worry Lois. I'll think of something.
Can you believe someone would lie about chemotherapy to get a wig? Would you do that?
If only the coin hadn't hit the table.
(calls) Hey you two. I'm ready to go.
Kramer, it is not what you think.
How much money is this gonna cost me?
When did you build this thing?
Hello Newman.</font>
What for? Oh come on.
(Casually, sarcastic) Either way.
I knew it! I'm not crazy.
(OC) Hey everybody! Who's ready to laugh?
What is this? (Kramer is wearing jeans that look like it doesn't fit him).
Kramer, these people work and wait their whole lives to move down here, sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot, and enforce these rules.
Sophie, it's me. I know about the tractor story and I'm fine with it.
Oh, right! Hey, it was great seeing you again. I love your outfit.
Hi Pam.
You're going by 48th St. You can give me a ride.
(to Elaine on the floor) How are you doing?
Oh! Come om . He'll be over there for a half hour, he gets lost over there. C'mon so what is this about?
And nothing could change your mind?
Get in the car! Get in the car!
What did you do to my car?!
Yeah, there's a new one in there.
What are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar with your disgusting index fingers? This is a sickening display. (takes the peanut butter jar away from George)
No, look, you don't understand. I, I want the picture.
We have tickets, we just don't have 'em with us.
(Shouting) Come on up! (Opens his door for Elaine) 
No, come on! I'll buy you another pair!
What are you doing here?
Why did you force that mint on me? I told ya I didn't want the mint!
How soft?
Oh he'll be home, it's Friday night. That's the big night on the Nature Channel.
I'd rather not talk about it.
What else?
Maybe!
Yeah, too bad.
All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.
Ah, well. Thank you very much!
'You're turning in to Jimmy.'
What happened to your mental alarm?!
Well, I want to sit down.
(into phone) Tell 'em I'll come down and talk to 'em. Okay, bye. (to George) Well, that was the Friars Club. D'you think they're gonna let a jacket-stealer join? I don't think so! They're gonna charge me eight hundred dollars for the jacket, and I gotta deal with Pat Cooper!
Bania?
Oh, sure. Of course, you're entitled. Who doesn't want this, that, and the other?
Well, whatever. So, how've you been?
Just lie down.
Well, I wouldn't put anything past anybody.
What's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade?
Where do you suppose that could've come from?
You're going to start your own charity?
That's right sister. Why don't you just give up?
Hi. Is Phil here?
(To Elaine) So, the worst is over?
It's not.
The car!
Hey Georgie!
 That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it?
Well, you're looking well.
No. I like a good comedy. You know, like a Neil Simon? You like Neil Simon?
You got toilet paper on your heel there.
(To George) Well, it's not about nothing.
All of a sudden you get hungry?
Come on up. (to parents) It's George.
Good, good, we've got a lot of ideas.
You didn't go?
What do you mean you don't like it? How could you not like it?
(walking over the the buzzer to answer it) Oh, that's the Flicks.
Hi tide? 
Bonkers? 
How much is Testikov getting from Pendant for this book?
So you were talking, (Elaine makes an agreement sound 'mmm') you're having pleasant conversation, (Elaine makes an agreement sound 'mmm') then all of sudden...
Wait a second. (Grabs the icebucket off the counter.) This'll scare 'em off. (Dumps the bucket of water over the balcony. We hear a loud squawking noise and the flapping of wings, then the noise is gone. Jerry gets back into bed.) Well, good night, Ollie.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
It is not!
You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. (pointing to himself) This is an idiot.
And what about yooou?!?  Tryin' to bilk an innocent bystander out of a family fortune, built on sweat and toil, manufacturing quality O'Henry candy bars, for honest, hard-working Americans!
How d'you know?
(worked up) Wh..what kinda show is that Sandos Brothers? They take your jacket, then they just throw it? I never heard of that!
Excuse me I'd like to return this jacket.
The washer fluid is fine.
Wait, that's you?
All right. That's it, I can't work like this.
I think it has something to do with me.
And what's with people getting sick?
Yeah. Nine o'clock.
Phil... hi. I-I know we got off to kind of a bad start. But your bird, which is lovely... by the way, made a mess on my door.
(putting his finger to Sophie's lips, then to his own, then back to Sopie's) Shh. Shh. Shh. It's not important. What's important is I'm not gonna let a little thing like that ruin what could be a very long-term and meaningful relationship.
For what?
Is it my imagination or is it freezing in here?
Hey.
I don't mind at all. Why should I mind? What did he say?
Elaine, wait! I need my spare keys!
Help yourself.
(To George) You're off bread.  (To Elaine) So what happened is it over?
You don't understand, someone's after us, a crazy clown is trying to kill us.
I don't know. 
I'll get you another one just like it!
How could you not believe me?!?
(looking over the list) Hmm ah. I'm not going through this every week, I tell you that right now. And what are these? Plums? What is that?
He does look like a horse.
well aside from that from that, how did he like the sandwiches? 
All right . . . . I once found a hair in my Farina and I freaked out.
Ma, you can't look up words in the dictionary! (to Morty) Dad, she's cheating!
Yes.
(agitated) For putting my picture up on that wall! I'm like Richard Dawson down there now. And every person I see engages me in this long, boring, tedious, conversation. I can't even get out of the building!
Make way! I've got-I've got a runner here! Get outta the way! Make way! Make way! Make way, it's a contender! (an event guard stops them)
It's a trick I just learned from Kramer. It keeps a crease in the pants. (Folds his pants over the head of a chair, then sits down in another. When he sees Elaine's staring at him, he makes a 'Tada!' gesture with his hands. Elaine holds her hand up - as if to say 'I'll see ya.', and while she's slowly walking out Jerry gives her a salute)
Yeah. That's true. 
Risk management?
Hold it. Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.</font>
(Starts to correct then realizes) Well...
Good. (pause) Steak knife?
All right. I'll be right there., Conrad I gotta go.
Well obviously that was a mistake. You need to forget about Arnie. The important thing is you're moving on.
Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones.
I just thought ahh maybe I could talk to Roy, if um...
I have an instinct for these things.
How'd you do on the IQ test?!
 What are you gonna do?
No, he was talking to me, he's cross-eyed.
I've seen MOST of it. I guess my favorite would have to be, uh... Chapter 2. Have you ever seen that?
I thought you said you were a good driver!
Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even nothing is something.
No! Enjoy your lunch.
Have you ever been to a Chinese restaurant and they tell you it'll be, like, five minutes for a table and you wind up waitin' there for, like, thirty minutes? Well, we thought it would be very funny to do an entire show where all you're doin' is waitin' for the table. (They don't seem to like it) Because we've all been in that situation. You know, you're waiting... and you're hungry... and you bump into somebody you know... When is Russell coming back?
Oh. yeah. Alright. (pushes Kramer and Elaine out the door, then sits next to Sidra on the couch.) So, where were we?
The % thing to do is just not think about it.
What a family!
Oh it's your cat! 
Well that's a start.
It.
 So she kicked him out of the apartment.
And you know what else? He picked up that woman in the coffee shop.
I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time? I don't understand it. When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, 'Let us in, we're all wearin' leather. Open the door! We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here!' 'Is it suede?' 'I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got!' 
What?
You're just out for money!!
Why can't I buy my father a car?
(unenthusiastic) Uhh, I don't think so.
........For spite...
Alright, you know what, uhm... I just wanna take my car, and I'm gonna bring it someplace else.
I really think the M&M should be you.
I'm off the project. (He exits)
(thinks about it for a second as to reconsider) No, no, no. I'm sorry, it's too weird.
(After seeing how much his parents like her) Now, I'm not so sure.
I mean, what's the deal with cancer?
(doing the voice) Good-bye Kramer.
Come on Sitarides, cop to it. What brand of perverted science do you practice?
Elaine, have you been talking to her?
I thought maybe you'd clean it up, or your maid, there.
But you didn't really do any work.
I was audited last year. At first I thought well, IRS kinda sounds like Toys R Us maybe won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun about it, you know. But it's it's bad. It's an ordeal. And they don't do anything to keep your spirits up through the ordeal. I think they should take all your receipts and put them in one of those big Lucite sweepstake drums and just kinda crank it around there. You know give me a feeling like you might win something. You know what I mean? Then they can pull them out one by one and go 'Oh, I'm sorry that's another illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting gifts for you. Jail!'
Well I started to go under...
I had a parakeet when I was a kid, that was the only pet that I really enjoyed. We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around and my mother had built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. She felt this gives you a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design principle that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of a jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, 'Hey look, there's a whole nother room in there. There's a guy in there looks just like me.' But the parakeet will fall for this, you'll let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, BANG! With his little head, he would just go 'click' Ohh! And I'd always think, even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?
Drake's Coffee Cake
Oh, ya' going?
Good!
Why not?
Ah, George turned it down.
How are these your socks?! 
That's true.
Charity?!? That's apalling.
Uh huh. Well how do I know what they look like on the inside? What do they look like on the outside?
I don't get this Scissorhands. What, is he supposed to be like a super hero, like Green Lantern or somebody? What's with this guy? (Gino looks at him annoyed) Just asking. 
Yeah.
Oh, about the... uh (Jerry pretend to wash his hands) 
She got the promotion?
No, that's ok, I really don't need any money.
Family?
Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh!!!!!!
What? (Kramer hands Jerry an envelope) My God, the money! The 1500! Where'd you find it? 
Define rarely. 
Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?</font>
Kramer won't sell.
I never should have made up those rules.
Nah.
Forget about Elaine. Let's just focus on us. Come on, big hug. (Mickey and Karen enter)
So I'm glad we had a talk and worked this out. Don't you feel this is better?
Wizards!
Hi Roy.
Kramer!
What?!!
Kramer, let's do this later.
I have. Funny, funny. In fact it was on TV just the other night. Happened to catch it. (a knock is heard at the door) I couldn't help notice a STUNNING similiarity-- (Jerry is interrupted as Nina opens answer the door...)
I think you said driver.
All of a sudden he gets hungry.
Well no, that's one. We have many others. We have an idea where, uh, I get into an accident with a guy who has no insurance and the judge sentences him to be my butler. (Everyone laughs) You know he cooks for me, he has to cook for me... He cleans my house, he's doin' my shopping, you know? I'm walkin' around with one of those big neck collars.
I don't know, I don't understand it. Cheryl was supposed to take care
Right, you were leaving.
Hey, shall we spit on him?
Who is it? 
Ooh, nothing. 
Out.
Alright, can we just drop all the pee-pipe stuff here?
 Wow, she rearranged her whole life for you.
Yeah!
Well put something down, you're taking twenty minutes on this. So is Uncle Mac and Artie, they're all coming over here before the wedding?
Get out! (pushes Elaine) How? How did you do that?
George, I didn't sleep at all last night. I decided I have to tell her. I'm just going to be honest. That's all... Yes, I'm nervous... Are you listening to me?... Just put some soap on your finger. It'll slide right off... Then try axle grease... (Kramer enters; to the phone) I'll call you back after I talk to her... Bye.
How about when Harrison Ford jumped out of that plane, and he was shooting back at them as he was falling?
Yeah. Come on up.
(impassive) Ah, I'm a little turned off.
That's right. I don't care for the salesman that sold it to me.
Just, can I have my car? I wanna pay my bill, I'm gonna be on my way.
And?
yeah, Amber.. I wonder if she's back from Vegas..
(in low voice to next to Kramer) Kramer how much longer? My chest hair is comming back and it's itching me like crazy. I can't let her see me scratch it.
Really?
What happened here, Kramer?
I want the antidote, pimple popper!
I have to do what?
(nodding awkwardly for a moment) All right, I think we're done here. (Jerry leaves and Phil shuts the door darkly)
Hey, hey! I'm with someone.
(To cashier) I'd like to speak with the manager, please.
But you took a nap in it.
Yeah, and I got about ten feet down and I felt this tremendous pressure on my mask. Like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets.
Kramer.
George?
From my house. I got a whole box of them.
Ah, really.
Kramer, here!
Yeah.
(Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet. They looked so good to me, I just had to have them! 
Well, just don't say anything about this to Elaine...
Plantains?
Oh, just keep your voice down. Everyone can hear you.
Myra, Stan.
Why?
Elaine, don't get too down. Everything'll even out, see, I have two friends, you were up, (has his one hand up and his other hand down) he was down. Now he's up, (switches the positioning of his hands) you're down. You see how it all evens out for me?
Please-
So I'm curious. What'd you tell Mrs. Costanza that changed her mind?
I'll have an egg white omelet.
You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in nineteen-forty-one, and my uncle put my nana in a home to try and shut her up! And I tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna be called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are.
Ah, you know. I'm supposed to meet, eh, someone -- I'll, I'll wait for them outside. (walks towards the door)
Lloyd?
In your laundry the whole time? I told you not to mix in our guys. What did we figure the damage on that machine would be? 
I'm nauseous.
Will you marry me?
Are we about throw here Newman? 
Oh well, thank you, Marcelino.
It can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class.
I'm kinda in the middle of something.
Yes, clothes. This is normal.
(to Kramer) I thought you stopped talking??
(in a tuxedo) So, you're in a relationship with a woman you don't like, and you're having an affair with a woman that won't have sex with you.
Kramer...
Can I get anybody anything?
Ow! Ow! Twist off! Twist off! Twist off!
I know!
C'mon up.
That was an accident!
No. If I lend her to you I'll have to lend her to everybody. 
Oh my god, he knows. (Jerry and Gino scrambling) Go. (yelling to the door) One second. 
Well I started screaming, 'There's a hair in my farina. There's a hair in my farina.' Then I ran out of the house and I was running and running. And like I was little but I could run very fast. And I-I just kept running (In the background -- CLERK'S VOICE: 57) and they found me like three hours later collapsed at a construction site.
Well I, I can't believe this. I know Phil, he, he's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be?
 That's not a good role for you.
Because he was brimming with confidence from the toupee.
She said what?
I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could go, 'Excuse me, I'm not in right now. If you would just leave a message, I could walk away.' I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone ' 'You can't talk to me like that!' Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone ' 'You can't talk to me like that!'
Elaine, do you know what you've done? You've give hope to every woman who's ever said 'Too bad he's gay'.
What? What's cool?
Oh, man!
All right, go, it's a race! Come on!
Lloyd?
Ahh, I'm, I'm kinda soured.
What do you mean?
Well, just get it down.
I would like to propose a toast....Wait a second.. George! George Costanza come in here.
But we already knew that.
It's Kramer isn't it? I knew it!  The greasy door knob the constant licking of the fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he?</font>
(quiet) Where did Susie find the time to meet all these people..
Hi.
I'm telling you man, I'm losing it.
Kramer!
Am I? You touched my face. I didn't imagine that!
I'm not wearing the fur.
I thought that was kind of girlfriend bed making.
I don't even know what to say.
Yeah, over here.
Well, well, well...
Kramer. I would like to talk to George for a minute, please.
That's your big boy.
Oh, hi. Soda?
Friday?
Boy, the Yankees cannot buy a hit tonight!
Svengali.
Because of Ted Danson.
(Looking at his watch ) Yeah..
We thought he was with you.
They're my socks! 
Babu must be back.
Prognosis *negative*!?
He's a little backed up.
What?
What the hell is a plantain.
(Reasoning) You know, if you talked this loud to begin with, I wouldn't be in this costume in the first place!
What's the matter?
Alright.
Too bad.
You had how many dates with him? Three?
It's not necessary.
Confucius, huh?
Yeah, that was bad.
This is gonna to be ugly. (quietly)
Really?
A little
They think they can get anyone to shoot these bootlegs.
Actually I am quite comfortable. 
You want Little Jerry to take a dive?
Why?
Oh, congratulations. Her marriage just fell apart.
I can't sit on this bus anymore. I think I'll go play with that dog.
You broke up with her just because she cut her hair! how short?
I cannot find my Jerry Lewis cufflinks. Without 'em, I have no in!
And I don't want you to hold mine!
Don't worry, uh, we'll find something for you.
No I wasn't there. (enters and slams the door) 
My mother's.
You know what room Testikov's in?
 You unwittingly made a major commitment.  That's a lot of pressure.
She thinks a guy who lies about a life-threatening illness, so he can get some phony hair has perspective?
She knows! Oh, I am such a jackass.
What are you talking about?
Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me
(under his breath) Well, this worked out just as I had hoped.
Yeah, I'm soured.
That's ridiculous, I want to return it. What's the difference what the reason is.
Okay. Thank you, very much.
George, big news; I'm getting married!!
Just give me some idea of what you think it could be.
For what?
You don't look well.
Ah, just remember when you see him tomorrow night to tell him that the waiter liked him.
Oh... yeah. What? I'm sorry.
Is that right?
Well, who took the nap?
I knew this would happen.
Well, I'm no genius but, according to my calculations he should be here in a few seconds.
It's kinda private.
George?
I don't give out bites. I got another one. But I'm saving it for later.
So tell me. What's the problem with your little flaky friend? She doesn't return calls?
He's going' out with you on Friday?
Yeah. (picks up Nina's painting George bought) And by the way, can you get this thing outta my house?
So I'm going through the airport and I have to put my bag on that little uh, uh, the uh, that uh, the conveyor belt.
..Well, as I was saying, I would play myself, and, as a comedian, living in New York, I have a friend, a neighbor, and an ex-girlfriend, which is all true.
Svenjolly.
Yeah. (Tapping his watch) Look at the time.
So Letterman didn't spark to your idea, huh?
What are we doing here.. 
Where's Babu?
(grabbing the list from Kramer) You're not getting any plantains.
Well, why would I assume. I never assume. Leads to assumptions. 
Well, Poppie's a little sloppy. 
Alright, I'll pick it up, but it's the last time I'm doin' it!
Because Elaine, that's the one that goes 'wee-wee-wee all the home.'
And . .
I can't, I can't take it.
(pause) You know, you're not Chinese...
Oh, no, it's Kenny. Slide out so he can't sit down. (George & Jerry each slide to the end of their booth seats)
[Elaine]
Jerry Seinfeld.
Hey you know we were just talking about you.
(coughing) I said, boy am I ugly.
It's not bad.
Okay, question #8. What if I told you my fiancee left me for another man? Does that make me more likable, less likable, as likable? Let's start over here this time.
Eh, the whole business has changed. It's all about money now. The sad thing is it's the kids that suffer. (Kramer enters)
No. 
Expecting Newman? That's funny because I just happened upon him down at the Kenny Roger's Roasters.</font>
First of all, I don't think you can make a rooster take a dive.
(quietly) I told you to cut it out.
What did you end up giving her?
You mean like.. (points to his hair)
Where are you goin'? Help me look!
You got gonorrhea from a tractor?? And you call *that* your tractor story??
Good! Don't! Are these my keys?
(fetching a drink from the fridge) Hey, who knows, maybe we'll wind up getting more money.
Hey Joe.
Sample? (under his breath) Newman. Uh, I was there but I was just dropping off a book. 
Well, you want your organizer back don't you?
What? Why? What happened?
Hey! I heard the good news!
 You wanted to be ensconced in velvet, you're buried.
Walked right over to her table.
She knows the whole stupid thing. Vanessa and the elevator...
You what?! Get out! (pushes Kramer) Ten thousand?
Hey. What's all this?
Can't you talk to your boss?
I'm sorry. I'm soured.
He's bringing it.
September 21st, first day of Autumn. Leaves changing colours.. Beautiful colors.
Please.
Oh, hi Brett.
Dirt? That's alright, (for Jenna's benefit) because there's nothing wrong with dirt.
(for the first half of the howl, a dog howls along with him.) Awoooooo-oooooooo, that feels good.
Oh, I'm sorry. Look at me, I stepped on your last rose.
Believe me. You know, I forgot how much fun it is hanging out with you.
Oh, maybe a haircut, and, I don't know, maybe a...
Newman, too?
Kramer, I can't get that many Wizards.
$40 seems kind of steep for a nap.
I mean the whole thing, it's just...
Well, maybe the test was gender bias, you know a lot of questions on hunting and testicles...
 Alright, I'm gonna get this.  This looks good.
I don't think so. You know they, they're so fragile.
Oh, I know her. I know her type.
He's supposed to see ME on Friday.
I was terrible.
George?
This is ridiculous. 
Who are you?
Hey! Whattaya know!
Oh, the sisters (he sits at the table)
Why? 
What? I'm not looking. Nothing.
Uncle Leo, I don't want to have it!
Hey.
129 West 81st street.
Yeah, ya know the other day how you mentioned that there were no houses available in Tuscany?
I'm tellin'you, I never told anyone about that baby. I never even went near your building!
The bags are in the car, I guess we better go.
(Surprised to see her, he gets up) Where's George?
Elaine, come on, take a walk with me down to the Laundromat. I gotta pay this guy the money.. 
Kramer, I'm not doin' this anymore. I don't know what I was thinking. It's illegal, it's dangerous...
You can't prove anything. 
He was buying quite a load of chicken, almost for two people ...</font>
Second of all, Jerry Seinfeld - big or little - doesn't go down for anyone, anywhere, at anytime! Now I'd appreciate it if you please leave.
Sorry about that.
It was great! I've done it a few more time since then.
So she..
Which is with who?
I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool.
I'M NOT DOING YOUR BITS!!
I'm taking the kid out to dinner to chear him up.
I didn't know she would laugh.
It's not that hard.
Well, I don't know about the reading.. We didn't discuss the reading.
Boy, some cast, huh? Pavarotti, Aver Martone.
Would you give him the TV back?
Good, just getting some fruit for myself. Uh, gotta have fruit in the house. I like it as a snack. Wholesome, natural, chock-full of vitamins. Alright let's see... mangos... four plums with red on the inside... avocado... (looks at Joe; Joe gives him a weird look)ooo, just right... and three plantains uh ought to do it.
Oh, good.
Hey you know when Superman saves someone no one asks if he's trying to hit on her!
It.
Is that the end of it?
Birds?
Why are you looking at my face?
Elaine was... in a rush.
 He was shouldering.
It's wonderful.
Who would pay that much?
I thought we were going out.
Hi.
Well, you know, frankly, I don't think she was too concerned about my jacket.
Well I want to return this jacket and she asked me why and I said for spite and now she won't take it back.
You see , I kept up my end of the pact.
Hold it, hold it! You're right, I'm not ready for this. (The door buzzer sounds, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?
Ah, I didn't have enough money.
Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze. Whatever it is, you take that stuff and put it right on my leather upholstery.
Beth and Arnie broke up.
I know. No awkward pauses. Probably the reason we never fooled around..
We couldn't carry on a conversation. I kept trying to picture her naked, she kept trying to not picture me naked.
No, no. No, Elaine, the car can wait. What's important is you two getting back together. Eh, then we'll talk about the car. 
That's my walkman!
I didn't have a deal! They're two hundred dollars a pop. What do I do?
(walking out) Alright, that's it for me. You've been great. Goodnight everybody.
Ho, ho...ho! Hold on. Let's keep this sophisticated.
Well it's not tragic.
 Nine sixty.
You swear?
The type that doesn't return phone calls. I knew we shouldn't have done this, it was a bad idea in the first place, I told you!
We made plans.
Hey Sid.
Nah, did you hear the end? I couldn't remember what I was trying to say, that whole thing about the, uh...
I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody. 
I'm sure the lawyer did everything they could.
Fancy meeting you here!
Yeah.
Well, it's too late. I gave it to Elaine, and she's already on her way to give it to George's father. 
Where am I going to look?
I don't want it!!
Actually, I did. I put it on last night and slept in it.
Because, Vanessa probably told Pamela, and Pamela probably told Elaine.
I don't know.
Hey, ??? is rerunning the Yankee game. You watching this?
No. I'm not really looking.
Maybe you should check with the rabbi.
Well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice..
(Complaining) No! That's the wrong doll!
No in a matter of fact it isn't. 
... as long as one of them is not him.</font>
We'll see about that. (Runs to the window and shouts up to Kramer, who's on the roof.) Kramer, I'm comin' up! We got a cockfight to win!
(privately amused) Suze? I actually had a little thing with her for a while. (indicating Elaine) Her too.
Well, if I call her, there's no joking around anymore. This is pretty much it.
No, not a thing.
And you don't...
Does she know?
Interestingly enough, no, inasmuch as it is my paper.
I would say when the nipple makes its first appearance.
Well maybe he's got like a, cheerful mental hold on you.
She's playing, Pagliacci?s wife, Nedda.
We gotta confess.
What?
Well you're not Lois Lane.
Out.
Alright.
What are you looking at? (Kramer goes out onto the terrace and looks down.) Oh, that! We had to leave that outside, last night, because the water was making the room too cold.
I'm going out. (he comes out of the dressing room, while Kramer remains inside)
 Where are you going?
Elaine would never borrow that much money! (Jerry hugs Kramer, then grabs him by the cheeks.) Kramer, my God, man! This is beautiful! I think I'm in the clear here. Elaine's not moving in. I don't have to confront her. She has no idea I never wanted her to move in. I'm golden!
Franco?
Beats me.
We'll pull up another chair.
Oh, the shut-ins, that's nice. You know, they're a very eccentric group. Because they're shut in. Of course, they're not locked in, they're free to go at anytime.
(indifferent) Yeah, we'll see.
Hey look , Champagne..
C'mon up. (To George) Alright, it's Pam, you gotta get goin.'
No, it's not that, it's the...
Sure. Bye.
(Shaking his head no) Pff.
Ok, let's towel it up.
What are you talking about? I bombed!
Probably the reason..
So what are you up to?
All right.
I can't go until I find my cufflinks.
Down here?
George? What are you doin' here?
So is this a breakup/quitting?
No, it's...
Listen M. Klompus, it was really a nice gesture of you to give me the pen, but I don't really need it.
 Why?
On your mother's life?
I was just trying to help your bitter, twisted friend.
No, don't cancel it.
Is that something you want to do?
Yeah. Because she threw out my napkin.
You can't give something and then take it back. I mean, what are you... (catches himself) 
Oh, that's lovely.
Hello? Oh, hi honey. (annoyed, weary) Yes, I told him. I'll get it. (George and Elaine give each other a look, then leave Jerry to argue with Meryl on the phone.) Whenever. Okay, I'm sorry...
. . . I can't.
... Oh, I'm joking.
Hey
Yes. Yes I am! (to Helen) What else did she say on the phone?
I don't know.
So are you telling me there's not one house to rent in all of Tuscany?
I see you there Ramon.
That's what I was thinking.
(Slow whispering) This is a nightmare.
But I changed my mind..
Oh no, look at the checks! Hours of hard work ruined!
Uh-ha.</font>
Could be it.
Okay. Now, I know this is an important decision. Why don't we all just sit down and talk about it? Come on, come on. (All three sit down) Now, look, you both find each other attractive, right? 
So...
How did it happen?
(reading) Owen March, prominent author and essayist suffered a stroke yesterday in the upper West Side apartment of a friend.
Nice try. So guess who heckled me at the club last night.
What about NBC? Did you hear anything?
Yeah.
You know, it's a funny thing, because after the pilot got cancelled, we hadn't heard from you.
Yes!
(shocked) Wha, what are you talking about?
Yeah I got it. You sure you want to do this? (hands Elaine the tape recorder.)
Alright I'm going.
No, you don't understand - it's not what you think! It was an accident!
Newman!
You know what? It sounds like the friend of Elaine's that was hitting on me in the book store.
Well, break a leg.
Bania.
 Oh, well here.  Take Whatley's label maker, I don't want to see it again.
Hello? Oh, hi mom. No, listen, I was expecting somebody else. I'm sorry, I can't talk now, I gotta keep the line clear, I'll call you later. Yes, I know I have call waiting but I don't trust it in an emergency. Good bye.
I bet he acted aloof like he didn't know me.
It was stupid of me.
Hey, l'll just keep swimming. Hey, hey. I'm not done. I know what you're up to Ramon. Because I'm a member here, this is my place to swim.
Hey, that's dynamite. You know, Lena, I wanted to talk to you about something...you know, because you're such a good person -
Hello?
I'll try and de-sour.
People like the idea of revenge. Have you ever heard the expression 'The best revenge is living well' I've said this, in other words it means supposedly the best way to get back at someone is just by being happy and successful in your own life. Sounds nice, doesn't really work on that Charles Bronson. kinda level. You know what I mean, those movies where his whole family gets wiped out by some street scum. You think you could go up to him, 'Charlie forgot about the 357 what you need is a custom-made suit and a convertible. New carpeting, french doors, a divan. That'll show those punks.'
To our future wives....yeah...
Hey, where's Marcy?
But we're in towels.
Like who?
(finding Frankie, in his hole) Frankie... come on out of there.
Insert a knife into the center and twist. Then, to make it bloom, soak it in water for thirty to forty minutes.
You're a lifesaver. Would you get them, please?
(Sarcasticly joking) It certainly has.
Oh, yeah? Well, then, we're through! And you're fired!
Okay. I mean, what if the--
I mean it's a terrific pen, but I think you should keep it. (he hands the pen to Jack)
But an 85?
 What do you mean, you got it?
Well, bitter's a judgement call, but she's twisted!
Well, frankly it is.
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it people! Matador? What matador?
Elaine, let me tell you something about show business. It's hard work! You don't just write a 'Murphy Brown.' You gotta watch the show, study it, get a sense of the characters, how they relate to each other.
Yes, Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe.
It's over? 
An' what if I did do it? Even though I admit to nothing, and never will. What does that make me? And I'm not here just defending myself but all those Pickers out there who've been caught. (Elevator doors open) Each an' every one of them, who has to suffer the shame and humiliation because of people like you.. (Everyone but Jerry is now in the elevator. Jerry's still addressing them) Are we not human?! If we pick, do we not bleed?! (Elevator doors shut. A few people in the hallway are looking at him, he turns and addresses them) I am not an animal!
Hey, what happened? I thought Cheryl was gonna help Babu get his Visa.
This is what you gonna wear?
A uh, a person that uh... 
That's what you want to see, yeah. . . . Yeah, you want to trade your hair for some phlegm.
I went down to the magazine, I pleaded with him to come and see me again, finally he agreed to come down tonight, and he's going to write another article.
All I could think of was when I was looking at her face was; Newman found this unacceptable.
Eh, show biz...
Ah, that's a shame.
Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound?
I don't know.
Hey, thanks a lot for lettin' me stay here. 
It's just unbelievable.
What was that?
I can't get a sublet, a guest room, a cot, nothing?
Hey, you better cut it out Ramon. Just stop it.
Hiya, Jack.
My pants!
Well it's been quite a night I could sure use a cup of coffee.
(on the phone) Dad, I wouldn't eat anything you caught in that pond out in front of the condo.
We were just playin.'
No, it's not the money. It's my hand. It's crippled from writing and writing.
I sure do miss my apartment. Maybe I'll switch back.</font>
She's at it as you get. Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. And she tells me he's a sculptor, they live in Vermont...
What, What is this? What is she doing here?
Kramer, I know what I'm talking about. There's no way FDR wants you to drop dead.
Clearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of you. 
Hmmmm...
Well, why can't you say it?
(continuing) The extent of the damage would have been far less severe had paramedics been able to reach him sooner.
Hey Richie
Yeah.
Susan! What are you doing here?
Didn't know...we were wondering...what happened.
I can't have this on my conscience. We're like Leopold and Loeb! **
I can't buy mangos and plantains?
Yeah that's a good deal -- you win the Pennant with that trade, hair for phlegm.
Oh, here she comes.
Well how long you are going to keep this up?
Kramer, you gotta explain to her what happened...! (Kramer exits.)
I need a miracle.
That is so Franco.
No. I know. I - I was really sort of half-kidding.
Oh, o.k. (Goes to the closet for the towel and finds dozens of boxes of Today sponges.)
Where have you been?!?
No, I'm just a little uh, worn out.
(sharp) I'll try! I'll try and de-sour and sweeten.
It's gotta have something to do with Kramer
Uh, look, Elaine's here, I gotta get going. Oh, by the way, uh, I'm not getting married. Tell mom. Bye. (hangs up)
There, you see? I just leant her my car, and she's gonna fill it with all sorts of... (he cracks) Alright! You win! That car was my last germ-free sanctuary. I slept there last night! Now, for the love of God, please, what is it? What is it?!
Hey, Kramer, over here.
all right. One second.
He *had* cancer!
He's incorrigible. You want to talk about it?
But I'm keeping it. As much as I hate the idea of being a van guy, it's much better than hanging out here with the nocturnal dirt people.
George, did you get that chair yet?
(Trying to straighten things out) You defile one book, steal another, ask for your money back - and to you that's even?
I'm not happy.
Take it.
 Since when are you treating me to medicine?  What are you doing?  You're stealing this, aren't you?
I thought you said they had a good time, is there anything else you're keeping from me?
Well you're not even a fan. I was at game six - you didn't even watch it.
A matador! Well, well, well. Uno momento por favor. Pray tell, what was the young man's name?
Okay, George. Come on, let's go. I'm putting it in a garage. The fight's starting in two minutes.
What did you say?
(simultaneous) Hey!/That's wonderful!/We got a deal!
Look, I was nice enough to give you the picture. I don't like what I wrote. I don't want it up there. Now please just give it back to me.
Ohh-my-God. The Queen is dead. 
No.
You're not gonna get the job.
Well, a person that gives something and then they're dissatisfied and they wish they had, had never uh... 
Hi.
He's a very good friend of mine, he's kind've like an older brother to me...when things don't go right, he kinda takes it personally.
Damn right! We've been lapdogs long enough!
You're going out with the stationery store guy?
Boy, those capes are really coming back.
(to Bania) Excuse me. (he goes back in the dressing room)
Yeah, I did. In fact I went over there.
 So, too bad about that Super Bowl ticket, eh Newman?
(He hesitates) Yes! That stupid idiot. He left her for Kimberly, he slept with her sister. He tricked her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead and sleeps with him again. I mean she's crazy. How could she do something like that? Oh that Jane, she makes me so mad.
( embarrassed laugh) ...Oh! Damn.. 
All the time. I've been up there six times. They refuse to stop. I can't live like this. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm heading for breakdown! (to Harold) Can't you do something?
Oh, Mattingly just singled .
Elaine, if I could say a word here about Jewish people. That man in no way represents our ability to take in a nice piece of juicy gossip and keep it to ourselves.
Come on, let's go Jean-Paul!
(weakly) I dunno
So... did you stop by the dojo?
Uh huh...
(bitter) Not at the moment, Brett.
I don't think you will. As a matter of fact I'll save you the trouble. I'll do it myself.</font>
We'd get caught, I'd get the chair.
Is this really necessary?
Just go back and ask him again. (Slams the door on Kramer)
No, no......(long pause . they stare at the walls) Hey uh.. you want to see a movie?
I thought you just said she doesn't know??
(finishing) The commotion also delayed production of a Woody Allen movie that was shooting up the block. A spokeswoman for the legendary filmmaker said that Mr. Allen was extremely agitated and wondered if his days of shooting movies in New York were over.
It was pretty ugly from the get go. he's not listening, He's hostile, he's talking back.
Well, uh, maybe something happens on the way to work.
Nice try.
Heyy! Terrific.
Yeah, and, (Pointing to his watch) because of the.. (Slowly exiting) time.
Where's George?
The pick?
I'm telling and you can't stop me!
Your father got arrested? For what?
You're making a big mistake, Joe!
So you didn't get the job. 
You know George they are doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days. I'd be happy to set-up a meet and greet.
Oh, that's just Jane driving home to New York in the middle of the night. (Rachel shocked)
Oh, it was just Kramer...apparently I killed Miss Rhode Island's doves with a bucket of water last night.
Why don't you get a sandwich?
Yeah, but now I'm nervous.
How late are the stores open? I'm thinking of maybe uh, buying a new TV and smash it over my head.
He went back? What do you mean he went back?
How'd you get yours?
What about that Bavarian cream pie joke I told you? There's no truth to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United States to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they get there and they don't have it he says ' Aw, I'll just have some coffee.' There's no truth to that.
(NO!)
What? Nothing.
I just got the most bizarre message from you father, Steinbrenner is at you house, they think you're dead!
Oh, I'm sure you do.
I still don't know what that means.
OH! Hey!!
Toilet brush, oh (he pulls a 'Damn, shoulda guessed!' face). Alright, I can replace that.
Kramer... Oh look, there's Mickey and his parents.
Hey, sorry Kenny. Guess you got your work cut out for you.
George, letting my emotions out was the best thing I've ever done. Sure I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making shallow, fairly-obvious observations. How about you?
Yeah, let's just get out of here.
(Smiling, like a salesman) All right. Now, what do I have to do to put you two in a relationship today? 
You know what? Just call up and cancel it. I'm out.
That strange Portuguese guy that lives next-door to the incinerator?
I mean I'm happy sometimes, but-but not now.
 You're a lunatic.
Get off of me.
I'm calling you one if you are one, are you a liar?
Any Hennigans around here?
Eduardo, Carochio! That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls of the tongue. I wonder where on the upper west side a single girl might meet a matador? Perhaps Zabars? Or Les Pizza!
What are we gonna do, stay out here all night?
I heard something. (Looks at the TV) Elaine, Elaine! It's Kramer! Kramer's on 'Murphy Brown'!
I want that picture.
What happened? 
He's in Pakistan.
No leer. (Elaine comes over to Russell's table.)
(to the phone) Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah I guess we could do that. At what time? All right. I'll see you there. O.K., bye. (hangs up)
...give, given it to the person that they originally gave it to. 
Elaine, this is Corinne.
Yeah well, it's about time one of us drew a line in the sand.
He knows what he's doing.
What is that sound?
Just a quick peek. I'm in agony.
Never mind Uma, I need that ticket to get my mother's fur coat back. Why don't you just give him the money for the suit?
No actually, she took it pretty well.
(walking out)  Thanks for having me over, guys.
I forgot my toothbrush. 
Manny...
I didn't make a deal. I just shook your hand.
No, . . . about how you wish it was YOU who was getting married instead of him? Feelings of resentment, hostility?
Kramer?
I think he's gonna need, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these, like Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery.
Stupid cigars. You know if I didn't send Nikki over to talk to him they wouldn't be together.
(to waitress) I' ll just have a cup of coffee.
How's your confidence level?
What?
(sarcastic) Thanks for stopping!
All right. (opens door - Red light floods hallway - a buzzing sound emanates.)</font>
Plus, you know what else.
(incredulous) You asked her to move in with you?
George, where are those invitations? You were supposed to leave them with her doorman!
What if I can't keep up?
Well, what kind of woman drinks an entire box of wine?
I think that's for the best.
Yes. My Uncle Leo was cought shoplifing here the other day..
So how can you promise her?
Can he communicate?
So he starts to get up He spots the Pez dispenser on the coffee table
Vandelay Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking. May we help you? ... Oh Hi Keith. Na, I was just jokin' around
Anyway, this person told me to tell you to get an estimate on the damage.
Well, something happens.
(Waving good bye) We'll see ya.
Uncomfortable? How does you think I feel?.. Hey let me ask you something, how much did you pay for that ticket?
Ho-ly!
Are saying you're banning me from the store?
Kramer, you can't keep avoiding her like this, you're gonna have to say something. 
Yes I do.
Oh, it's okay, it'll be okay.
OK ... (nodding his head up and down) This is it 'cha know
 Alright, I'll see you later.
'Quone'?
I don't understand it. You were having such a great time, the sex, the shopping.
Maybe I'll check out France.
So, am I forgiven, shmoopy?
Oh...
Yeah, and we had an accident with your car, it's a, it's a little crumpled.
This is the man you have a crush on?
So this is it, huh?
Yeah. Let's uh, go to your place. Because I, threw out all my dishes.
Very handsome.
(on the phone with Clare) Clare thanks for giving me a second chance. Our relationship is certainly worth more than some silly, stupid voice. Hold on one second. (George walks in ' Jerry asks George) So we definitely don't want to do the voice anymore? (George shakes his head NO) Alright, we're back together again, great. Bye bye.
Joe Mayo doesn't like my taste in music. He's not gettin' a gift from me.
Oh, Phil... Mrs. Phil. I'm so sorry.
Yeah, college was fun.
 What do you say to a person like you?
Get your finger out of my face.
No. No. I don't mind at all.
Look, there he is, he's sittin' at the desk!
I'm not paying for anything until I get that back.
Kramer, who'd you sell your ticket to?
I think I've seen that look.
What do you mean, oh boy?
Oh yeah, that's the spot...
TV Elaine. She wants to get together and talk about the part.
(Pointing out) It didn't do me any good either! That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles were really uncalled for: 'Avast ye matey' - what the hell does that mean?! '20 degrees off the starboard side - the Spanish Galleon!' - there's no comeback for that!
I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term. 
Yeah, well, it won't be long.
Opposite.
This is the meal ... so stock up buddy boy.
It's this one here in the back. (Tilts his head back, and knocks Elaine's trophy out the window. A loud hissing sound and commotion is heard from the street below. Everyone runs to the windows to look.)
I got an idea.
She's into it.
Yours?....You know what I'll think I'll brush later. 
We come from the same place.
Hey George, do you believe this guy?
Ah, that's a shame.
Yeah.
Oh.
(astonished) Oh god! What happened to you?!
It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone.
More cereal? that's your third bowl today, you had it for breakfast and lunch.
Self-esteem?
Oh now I see. (Buzzer) Yeah.
Boogeyman.
You got a little problem.</font>
That's true.
(musing) What if it's Neil Armstrong?
Ah, back to normal. Not bad for four thousand bucks. . . . I can't believe I got the Low Fat!
No. (Lanette leaves.) Did you at least pick them up?
(Pleading) Oh, come on. He's just a lonely old man. All old people steal.
Oh, hello...
What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?
Alright, she's free. (Steps up to the counter) Hi, I called before, uh, my car got smashed.
He picks it up - he stares at it - It's like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's telling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the car with his father, and his father was trying to load one of them
$875?
But you made it through the day before. 
So what are you gonna do?
I'm banned?!
All right lets go. We'll meet you back down here in ten minutes, hopefully with the money.
Tell her you lost your itch. 
I'm going to the hospital to see Fulton. I'm not even saying hello, I'm going right into material.
Where you goin'?
Hello, what? You're kidding. I'm turning it on. Oh, my god. Get out of here. (hangs up) Hey listen to this. They issued a warrant for Genderson's arrest. He escaped and the police spotted him on the New Jersey Turnpike.
 Ah, Tim Whatley.  Out scalping?
'Quone'? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that.
You can't. That's why they lose very few players.
Sixteen hundred dollars? That's all? *Ooh*, they are ripping me off.
Aw!
Tell you something...I do.
Yeah, yeah, I didn't know what to do so I put it back at the stadium.  Oh, wait a second, wait a second, they saw the car, they saw the blood, they couldn't find ya, that's why Steinbrenner thinks you're dead!
(dry) I guess the DJ booth was over there behind the bone saw? (really disappointed) Let's get out of here George.
He's been sleeping a lot. He's still groggy.
Hey.
She never sees the big picture.
Trouble down at the plant?
What's going on?
But I, I didn't, I--
Yeah.
 Oh.
I don't care.
Sure, we can do something next week.
Aww...
Well, maybe I'll just take it back.
Alright, let's go.
I had some friends drag me to an opera recently, you know how they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really need binoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before you can spot 'em. These opera kids they're going two-fifty, two-eighty, three-twenty-five, they're wearing big white woolly vests, the women have like the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out. If you can't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry, maybe that?s more you're thing.
Boy, they really worked on your pectorals.
Told her the truth? Well, you got Babu deported.
Oh, nothing really, just a homicide. [She finds the right spot on his back] Oh that's terrific... Mulva.
They're having sex in the hotel room.
(surprised) He said that?
Gotta go. (heads out on stage)
Why'd you have to eat so many?
Yes it is. Soup and sandwich. That is a meal.
I can't believe I'm gonna do this. (Jerry opens the door and exits the dressing room. He walks over to Bania)
Yes, Mr. Beviacqua
The manage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the roommate and the roomate's into the manage too.
(long pause).......Sure. ( humms a song then stares at the toothbrush) 
Bob Cobb.
Well? Go ahead.
How much did you give him?
Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea.
Who?
Hey You're staying with my friend George.
I think it's Dutch. I got to get going.
Doofus?
Why can't I be a soul mate?
What're we gonna do?
I'm quite sure. Anyway, any luck getting together on a song?
Where have you been? You know, you're on next.
But, I'll tell you this much. I am never going to let some silly hygienic mishap get in the way of, what could be, a meaningful, long-lasting relationship.
What if it's Neil Diamond?
Hello, Newman!
Ok, get them over here pronto. We're in towels here George.
Oh my God, the blood!
Kramer, they think I killed Fredo! (Kramer gestures sympathetically) And who buries a bird?
So it could be anyone?
Mr. Vandelay, of course.
Take it here, I'll leave, there'll be no distractions.
What, Elaine?
What community? There's a community?
But in a way, I think I inadvertantly turned this guy into an alcoholic. I hate being around alcoholics because they're either telling you how much they love you or how much they hate you. And those are the two statements that scare me the most. But I think he's okay now because I have no idea how he feels about me. He's finally off the wagon.
Tell me something I don't know. So as the father's trying to load it he loses control of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. Nobody's hurt but Pez is all over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition.
Uh, well, I'll tell you what. Um, I'll give you a check, and then this person can pay me back.
Why outside here? 
What?
Really? What happened?
Oh hey Phil.
I can't believe you still do that. You know those things are bad for ya.
Oh, why not?
Bania can I talk to you for a second? How's everything going?
 Are you serious, what about Elaine?
Well there's always a place for you, on our team.
Yes, it's very strange. Very strange.
Well, that's it. I'm going back to Putty. No move is worth this.
No.
I don't know. What do you do when a neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise at three o'clock in the morning? I mean, can you knock on someone's door and tell them to keep it down? You're really altering your whole self-image. I mean, what am I, Fred Mertz now? What's happening to me? Can I do this? Am I a shusher? I used to be a shushee. There's a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. 'Shh... shh... shhh... shhh...' Doesn't work, 'cause nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a shh. 'Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me.' Some people you can't shush in a movie theater. There's always that certain group of people, isn't it? They're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing them, and shushing them. They won't shush. They're the unshushables.
Oh, hi Susan, George. You remember Sheila.
Oh, uh...you see these jeans I'm wearing?
Well you gotta call your parents.
That's right. I bought it.
Thanks , thanks
What happened to Vincent?
Yeah.
Hi, Mr. Abbott.
Well, congratulations my friend. You know, I'm sorry I missed the grand re-opening. I was out of town for about a week.
No, its no problem at all.
Um, who do I make it out to?
(To Russell) How about this: I manage a circus..
...C'mon.
Right now.
That's because she had my mail.
Mulva?
What's the matter?
Yes.
Put it over there.
Well you should tell her. 
Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book.
I tried to do that.
Yes Mr. Bevilacqua.
Oh, it's a scene man.
I am challenging.
You know, the Maestro.
You knocked him out.
What'd she do?
Well he doesn't even want himself there.
I... uh....promised Nikki that I'd walk her dog for her.
All right, so what? You put out the catalog. How bad could it be?
I think that's it. (They play it and see Elaine dancing) Sweet fancy Moses!
(negative) Eehh.
Got lost? We went to school here for three years.
I don't know what that could be.
Alright, I gotta go back to the hospital.
Just get the key and let's get out of here.
That guy! (Pointing at George) Swarm! Swarm!
Oh please, I love her.
(picks up the headphones) That was Elaine...
All these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea.
Don't get smart.
So as he's telling the story he starts crying.
I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.
Why did he fire her?
Alright, Costanza - it's just you and me. 
What happened with all the shirts?
No, but I expect to hear anytime.
Elaine it's her cat. Her cat had the fungus. So I need the tube back. 
Well, y..you showed her who you are.
I'm goin' home.
I heard those doves were really incredible.
Really?
Especially that big kid up in the front. (Mr. Pitt is shown on the television, trying to hold up the deflating Woody balloon.) How old is he? (The phone rings.) Hello?
Yeah, well, see the thing of it is, I'm in a bit of an awkward position here. Because, uhh, I don't want to get in between you two guys but ... I need a dry-cleaning ticket that's in the pocket of those pants.
 Oh.  (notices a car being jacked up by a tow truck)  Hey, isn't this Kramer's car? (yelling up)  Hey, Cosmo!!  They're towing your car!!
Yeah. It's coming on in a few minutes.
I tell you. If you were hitch-hiking, you'd never get into a car with someone with a hairdo like that.
Are you kidding? He can do every move I've ever done! Do you know what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.
Alright! (picks up the phone and dials) Hello, Alec? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld. You know, you got a great 'John Houseman' name. Alec Berg. Did you hand in your assignment, Mr. Berg?
I change the 32 waist on the label to a 31 on all my jeans. So, you know. That's it. (Lena is puzzled.)
Yeah. Hey, what do you want me to do with this?
Aren't you gonna tell your parents you're still alive?
Yeah , yeah .
What is that?
All right, that's not bad. Now get over here!
I understand (not really understanding, lol).
Well, for the first quarter mile they thought that I was just doggin' it.
No, you don't have to buy anything.
Well, come on George, I'll help you push it across.
I think it's fantastic. Has a certain indefinable charm.
How did you know they were defective?!
Okay, take it easy. (hangs up) That was Keith. we're going to do something next week.
So, what are you doing this weekend?
So what'd we get?
You and me.
Oh my eh, my Aunt's name is Mulva. She's-she's a masseuse.
What's over?
Uh, Huh, yeah.
I've been waiting a while for this. You know it's a shame Tony got all banged up, we're not gonna be able to get together on Saturday night 
Doesn't matter, This is it. This completes the transaction.
Maybe I will , Lois. Maybe I will.
What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it.
You ever see what that thing looks like in the back? You got your natural little curls on the bottom, and then that big phony mat coming down on top of 'em.
Uh-huh.
Hi, Mr. Constanza. What's uh...?
Very strange.
Yeah, get this, he tells me there are no houses any where in Tuscany to rent.
Come on Newman. Do it.
What do you recommend?
(bewildered) Why would she try and kill you?
All right. (sits down)
I know, I know. But some how she explained it to me and I couldn't say no.
Hey.
Oh my God. You had sex. You had sex with Louise!
Anyway, I'm a new man, and I'm looking towards the future. Clean, dirty, whatever.
No, I got into a thing with the son, and now he's laid up too.
Oh, I said something about dentists and it got blown all out of proportion.
Yikes. Well, good look with all that.
Kramer!? (grabbing Kramer's arm roughly, pulling him back as he's about to knock)
So the kid doesn't know his grandmother is dead? G-5?
Wait a second. .Just give me a second
Hmm, well, I got the insurance and everything so...
What do you think? I gave him my Pez dispenser.
Hold it. I really want to be clear about this. Are you talking about the woman in the meeting? Is that the woman you're talking about?
How could you go in there?
What are you doing?
Oh, you'll find out.
Why do you say that?
Ya, that's the.. last thing you want to see. Well, next to last.
Don't say that.
It's like watching an animal get tortured.
Yes it is.
Yeah, yeah all right, well uh ... tell you what I will do Bania -- you give me the ticket, and uh, I will take you out for a nice dinner.
Hey. Don't worry it hasn't started.
You should have her work on it for you.
Well, Alec, the reason I called is I just wanted to thank you for the tickets from the other night.
All right, all right. What's the big hubbub, bub?
Really?
I think I may have made a big mistake.
Well, nobody sees the... cover.
Uh, well. It, uh...
Holy cow! Have a nice life.
(Also guessing) Crook eye?
I don't understand. Why didn't you tell us you had it?
By yourself?
Well what's the next move, what's gonna happen now?
Let me tell you something Babu. You go back in that kitchen -- tell your chef I want the works.
Hey what are you doing Friday night?
I didn't do it!
Beautiful!
No foolin'
You can't break up with her now. Her life is shattered. You got her fired. You gotta be there for her.
Yeah.
Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals, banlon, and seeing people running for their lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty.
(While digging in his pocket for some money, he looks over the shirts one last time) You know, it's really not a bad looking shirt..
Hi. 
yeah, it's a damn shame, a damn shame! 
Yeah. Th-That's why I where these sneakers, in case of any trouble -- Zip, I'm gone. (makes a running motion with both arms and his right foot)
I mean, Bozo the Clown...I mean does he really need 'the clown' in his title, as clown? Bozo, 'the' clown? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the district attorney? Bozo the pope? There's no other Bozo...
I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.
What if you get involved with a woman? How're you gonna tell her?
I don't know. Why?
So, tell me anyway. Who was the BIG mastermind?
No.
He might die.
Really? They bought the butler character?
The Portuguese waitress?
I think he's the same age as the father.
What?
Ah, the sweet stench of failure.
I think you scared me straight.
So the whole set was destroyed?
You killed Fredo!
Miss.
Pennypacker.
She's my ex-girlfriend I think I have precedence
That is right, somebody else was driving.
Two hours later he checks into Smither's clinic. I talked to the doctor yesterday. He's doing great on the rehab. He's hooked on Pez. He's eating them like there's no tomorrow.
Friday night? Nothin', ... now.
IT'S COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE!
Really? 
Well, what happened?
You're thinking about it too much. You're putting too much emphasis on it.
Well, I'm very mysterious by nature. (Jerry knocks on the door) A lot of women find that attractive.
Ya take it easy.
Oh, great! Alright. (We hear the announcers calling the game.)
Can I have the address of that garage sale? Okay, thank you very much. (To Kramer) I found Mom and Pop, they're sellin' my sneakers!
You want to go to Mendy's, I'll take you to Mendy's.
No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off.
Oh, you already gave them away?
Yeah. That's right. You got a problem?
Will you get this horse outta here. He's killing me. I can't get any oxygen.
Hey, there's uncle Milty.
Oh.
All of a sudden it hit me, I realized what the problem is; I can't be with someone like me.. I hate myself!! If anything I need to get the exact opposite of me....It's too much. It's too Much I can't take it ...I can't take it!!!
What happened to you?
Yeah. Alright, I think that's enough for today. (Kramer picks up Little Jerry and takes him to the sink.) Little Jerry is lean, mean, peckin' machine! (Kramer starts filling a pot with water.) What are you doing with that?
You're not...
What's the kid doing here?
Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.
Because of your giant wallet. Just get rid of it!
What? The physical therapist? Why?
Yeaaaah!!!
Elaine! No! No!
You are soo good lookin'.
(Looking at his notebook) Alright, I got, uh, you come in, you say 'Hi', and I say 'Hello'.
You gotta at least wait until she gets another job.
Oh, good idea...
She dumped you?
With her hands.
Ah, no problem. That's fine. 
yeah without a doubt, I'm down (Kramer enters) oh hey how're you doing? Jane this is my neighbor Kramer 
Oh! Rimsky -- great great book if I may say so sir. I almost read the whole thing.
(acting like he was walking on stage) Hey how ya doing? Good to be here.
(Referring to George) Hey, look at this guy.
That's a shame.
Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirso lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it.
 Yeah, see you there.
So you keep it a secret your whole life, then at your funeral the mortician comes out (as mortician) 'Here, Mrs Costanza, I thought you might want this'. (as Mrs Costanza, horrified) Aahh!
Hi Mary.
What do you mean?
All right. But then I can't tell you the BIG news.
I just wish I could figure out if this guy is trying to keep me out of Tuscany.
Kramer, what did you do?
NBC?
And the other.
I dunno. It's like, if one of 'em dies, the other one wants to bench press the casket.
That's a good one. Dentists.
No.
What?
Kramer, I need those cufflinks, but now they're in the box, and the key is in the bird... What are we gonna do?
I wouldn't worry about it. B-6?
Uh huh, what's that?
I can't do those things.
Fasten your seat belts. we're goin' to see the baby.
Oh, I forgot to call Kramer.
Lemme see if I understand this. In other words, you held out
You sure? 
Really good.
Oh?
But once you put medicine in your medicine cabinet you're never using it again. Any medicine you're using, is on the sink. It's not really even a medicine cabinet, it's really like an ointment museum isn't it? It's like here's a saff from 1983, some cream from the 70s. But you want to keep it private, because a medicine cabinet is a place that reveals our weaknesses and it can really throw off the balance between two people that might be going out. Somebody peeks in there, 'Oh I see Mr. Perfect needs tough actin' Tinactin. Well I guess I'll be calling the shots in this relationship from now on.'
Parsippany, New Jersey.
all right let's be reasonable, Bania. I'm taking you out for a nice dinner. All I want is a little ticket in that pocket. I think it's a pretty good deal.
Uh, listen. I decided I can't kiss hello anymore. I'm sorry. It's nothing personal....
No, we don't care, we just want to go.
Well, we're changing the rules.
Alright.
(pointing) And there's David Steinberg.
Actually it's being taken care of right now.
Yeah! Too bad.
It's the new cover of the J. Peterman Catalog. It is Elaine's choice. Let's congratulate her.
We're getting vasectomies.
Uh... great.
Hey, Kramer...?
(proud to Peggy, under his breath) Yeah, but he didn't sleep with both of 'em. (winks)
Oh, that's a drag...
Everyday is my birthday. (Sarcastically joking off what George said)
Your good friend is morbidly obese.
Game over.
Vandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory?
Hey Matthew.
Yeah.. how about this: I say 'How's it goin'?'
Couple of interviews.
Oh, I was just looking for er, some... gum or... mint.
Also with her hands.
That's new age music. Sounds of the forest. I find it soothing. Hey, look at this! What do you know? A massage table! This is great! (he starts to install the table) 
Yeah.
Hi.
Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either.
...It just makes me a little uncomfortable and I can't do it. I'm sorry.
Really, stopping short. That's a good move.
Sorry!
I have no idea.
(grunting as he throws bread into the air)
He doesn't wanna take a ride.
Hello. Oh! Hi George.......What! ..really! All right I'll call Elaine , we'll meet you down there.
Ah. But they told us we must go now.
Then what'd you come down here for?
Be careful.
I tell ya, I don't see it happening.
(frowning in realization) Oh, no!
Elaine...
Hi. Ah look, I know I don't have an appointment but it's really important that I talk with Julianna.
Okay, Okay, I promise. (puts on the headphones again) Wow!!! Oh Man...Oh God.. Oh Brother....Whoooaaaa!! Whoaaaa (Elaine enters he takes them off rapidly)
Other drivers?
All right, I'll go
You sure you want to do this? I'm going to be on the road for three weeks!
No, no this is more important.
You know, the basic idea of negotiation, as I understand it, is to get your price to go... up.
You really want to? 
Very tasty.
Sorry, I don't have any cash.
Uncle Leo?!
I know and on the first tournament of her comeback. 
Name tags?
...that's why men hunt and women nest.
Ah ... let's call it even.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking about the financial crisis here at PBS. Our lines are open, so please call the number you see on your screen.
My car's in the shop.
. . . All right (gritting teeth) Just give me the ticket.
You must have quite a time down there.
(handing it over) Here.
The manager.
They make wigs out of human hairs?
Yeah, out of nowhere there's this lone dancer who appears to be injured.
You're cold?
She went out to get her head shaved.
You put blood in the car?!
So the squirrel's gonna make it?
It's not a purse. It's European!
Hello?
The Saab factory?
 Can I still buy this or is this evidence now?
How ya doing?
(Getting up to answer the door) Alright, did you get that line?
No! [throws her purse back at her] No, I mean, no thank you, nah...
Everything?
Thus ends the great ball man experiment. 
Just checking it out. Look at how this thing is made. Can I tell you something? That's a hell of a piece of equipment. 
Huh, wa?
This is the only time this year we'll be asking for donations. You've been enjoying Ken Burns' Baseball-
Where's Simon?
Hey, what happened? Did you get your racquet?
All right, shut up, shut up, Melrose Place is coming on.
Hi Louise...
All right, Elaine but this is beyond news. This is like Pearl Harbor. Or the Kennedy assassination. It's like not even news. It's total shock.
Oh, no way it's that big.
People are going to steal from you. You can't stop them. But, everybody has their own little personal security things. Things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? In your own mind, right? You go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker, who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? I tied a bow. They can't get through that. I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.
(to George) Hey, there's Pat. (calls) Hey, Pat.
They just took Susan to the Hospital
Hey, George, do me a favour. If they make you an offer, whatever it is. (vehement) Just take it!
It's good to have you back.
Hey, guess what! Little Jerry ran from here to Newman's in under thirty seconds!
(smugly, under-his-breath) Not only that, I broke his thumbs.
He doesn't work here anymore.
Yeah, I know she's mad at me, but I really have to speak with her.
Oooh! I got a pain in my side.
Your whole business is based on other drivers. It's a rented car. That's who's driving it, other drivers. Doesn't my credit card cover me or something?
Hey!
Acting.
Alright!
No, I got to warn him that I told Joe Devola about his party.
You know, this is how they negotiate in the bizarro world.
What? Leave? Where? Why?
Okay.. 
This is Amy.
Oh, I see. So you can go, 'Hey, you know who I saw wilding today? Herb!'
Geez, these are delicious. Where did you learn to make eggs like this?
Ohh ... (takes the ticket and heads for the dressing room)
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just waiting for someone.
Oh that Michael, I hate him, he's just so smug.
...I was just telling Mary how I'm not gonna be doing the kiss hello thing anymore. (continues backing away) I'm sorry. I just can't do it. It's nothing personal, it's just I'm not really able to do it and uh, I'm sorry.
Hey.
Yeah, she's something else. Hey, so what happened? Did you hold your ground or...uh...
So she was just lying there.
What'd you do to your hair?
Yeah, so you cry... and when you see the dancing, you cry again.
Something wrong with your chest?
Those wisdom teeth are tough to get out.
By the way Newman, I'm just curious. When you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium New Year?
Go again?
Well, they told me that I got more blood, so I guess I owe you again.
On the couch? So you're...
(Joking about the bra-less wonder) Well, at least the wedding gown will give her some support.
All right.
My car!
Hey, how's your father? I hear he's closing his store.
Did you write it down?
The pilot's back on. In fact, Elaine's going out with him tomorrow night. (Gail nods and walks away.) Listen, Elaine, you know if Russell mentions anything about the pilot, you'll of course tell him how much you liked it...?
[whispering] No, no news. You better get out of here.
Drop dead?
All right she cuts her pasta with a knife.
No, nonsense. This one's fine. (as he sits on the table) 
wait, where are you going? where are you going? 
I don't know, I don't feel so good.
When's he leaving? (putting some items into the refrigerator)
Maybe we should get you to a hospital.
What do you mean you got caught?
(as the elevator doors close) Thank you for your cooperation.
George Costanza...
Do you know how big North Dakota is stupid?
Wait a second! I never baited a hook with a rye before. Your hook is too small. This is for, like, a muffin. All right. Take it away.
I forgot to take it off.
Vaya con dios.
Who?
All right, I'll do it. (Goes on stage) Hey kids. What's the deal with homework? you're not working on your home! (Audience boos)
I don't know. Where have you been?
Ouch.
I accept.
You don't understand, ah...
What is going on in this community! Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humudity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?
What are you doing here?
Well I got a hundred cards, here, pick a card, take a card, any card you want, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care.
What are you doing? We're going out to dinner in ten minutes.
Thank you. Hi Cynthia.
(to intercom) Yeah?
Why would I leave? This is my apartment.
(Chuckles) You don't know the half of it. 
Unlce Leo, what are you doing here?
'Dear Barry. Consider this letter to be official termination of our relationship effective immediately.'
(on the phone) Hello? Yes. Uh-huh. Ya. Oh, really? Okay, thank you very much. Bye-bye. (hangs up the phone) Well, the yogurt verdict is in. (Kramer looks at Jerry with his arms out) Fat!
Yeah, yeah...
Hello.
What?
I usually like mine with an angioplasty.
So eventually these people came and, somebody, gave him mouth-to-mouth.
It's a little short.
Well, I uh, maxed out my credit cards, and I don't have enough cash for a hotel room. So...
(leaning round Kramer) Where?
Oh, that's interesting, because as everyone knows, since there was no year zero, the millennium doesn't begin until the year two-thousand and one. Which would make your party, one year late, and thus, quite lame.
(Leaving) Right back at ya, Slick.
Then who?
So you think it's a non-vite?
How do I look?
What?!
Oh no, nothing.
Okay.. (Opens the door to a frantic Elaine)
Uh...that kind of comedy, that's a little broad for us.
Oh No, wait a second... Wait a second... I-I don't know the name of this woman in the bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then she'll be forced to say her name.
She's pretty rough!
Shaft.
Go? Why go anywhere? (as he places his hand over hers. She starts to massage his shoulders a little) Ahh, that feels good. Yeah. That's, uh... That's good. (he tries to go further. He grabs her hands over his shoulders and he lies down on the table on his chest) Yeah, that's nice. That's very nice. 
My stomach, I , think it was that cookie.
George - could I have a word?
I still don't understand how you can get in trouble for taking your own racquet.
Oh! my god. What the hell is this? ..... Don't tell me.......Velvet!!! 
Is getting married!
Hey, no one's got a gun to your head.
What about you, shmoopy? How 'bout a little tuna? You want a little tuna fishy?
Oh my god. Look at this.
I'm sorry.
No, he's still stuck at the foundation.
Oh my God! 'The break-out/pop-in!'
Aww!
I don't know. They don't tell me anything. What's that? (Kramer holds a broken Tony)
What?
Well, what happened?
I love a parade!
Wait a second, don't you--
Isn't he supposed to be the emcee?
I know, George told me.
Did you see the size of that document? It's like the Declaration of Independence, who's gonna read that?
What did she name the kid?
Well this is a great place to sit you got here.
Alright, we're coming down.
Who gave you this idea I would wanna leave?
Well, it's kinda silly, but.. 
Ooh! Very convenient.
No. That's one for the ages. But I think they're gonna put Poppie away for a long long time. 
Ah, no thanks.
Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it.
Hi mom. So, what's happening with uncle Leo? Is he paying you?
You cried?
What everyone does here. - Cooking pork chops.
Yeah, it was a gamble.
What are you doing here?
Well...
Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.
Aaaaahhh...!!!
So, Kramer pulled it off?
Hi. Hi. Look, I don't know what you think --
What did I do?
No, no, no, no.
What?!
O.K. (closes the apartment door)
She likes talking during sex.
I've always been a big fan of the little check move. You know (does the motion for the check) Check, Check. Unless the waiter isn't too shape then you gotta total it up. Sometimes they come over, 'Do you want the check?' No I wanna be pen pals, can't you see what I'm doing here? I'm trying to be cool and impress people. 
Why, what's wrong? (he grabs her hands and force her to keep them on his shoulders) 
Yeah.
You see?!
(on the phone) Hello? No, I'm sorry Bania ... I'm not going over this again. Well who told you to order soup? ... No! There's no dinner. There's not going to be any dinner. You've had a sandwich and 2 bowls of soup and that's it. Good-bye.
Let me in, it's me. (Kramer opens the door, Jerry goes in the dressing room) Here. You don't know what this is costing me. (hands Kramer the ticket)
She's seen you in this thing. 
Yum yum little tuna fishy?
It's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look.
It completely turned her off.
(indistinct) Got all this?
Aahh!
Well, one of the gypsies took it.
Widower? Wait a second. (goes to a notebook of his research)
George, this is a little too much for me - escaped convicts, fugitive sex...I got a cockfight to focus on. (Jerry leaves.)
Aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars?
What happened to you?
What's around you?
Well. This should be a very interesting evening.
These pretzels are making me thirsty.
And you want to be my latex salesman.
Dad, before we go, I got a little something for you.
Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock into what Elaine has to say about relationships. She comes from a broken home, and I mean that literally. A tree fell on her roof and cracked the whole structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but her house was in bad shape.
No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually started with George and his mother- 
It's funny!
240 bucks?
Oh really?
'I will expect all funds in form of cashier checks no later than the 18th'.
alright I changed my mind, uh yeah I don't think I'm not gonna go now 
Hey, what size suit are you?
Hi Cosmo.
That's perfect.
Yeah and?
Ah. (makes face)
You didn't like that crack about the pen.
Hello?
Well, that woman had it coming to her. Look at my neck, it looks like I had a beard of bees!
Ah, it's probably like Smith over there.
Hey, Silvio, just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat.
Well, what about my car?
--but, you see, let me just talk to you for a second, see, what I did is inadvertently sent an insurance--
Where did you come up with all that stuff?
So what are these?
I-
No, of course not, of course not!
Well we were standing uh, inn the waiting area there, and you know how Devola is. He's all, ... (buzzer)
A present.
What?! How?
No. Just chitchat, movies, current events, regular stuff. You know Sandi-- (looking at his watch)
No. Yes you can. (he hangs on) 
I think I got David Duke and Farrakhan down there.
Well, I guess I gotta go, too.
-programs like Ken Burns' Baseball. And if Danny Tartabull were here, I'm sure he'd say, 'That's correct, Jerry.'
Well, I guess I have no choice.
(Takes the ticket back and looks at it, flips it over) The dry-cleaning numbers are gone too.
Could you excuse me one second? I'm sorry.
And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins. 
Sorry about that movie-thing. I was joking around.
I don't wanna be a 32.
(incredulous) I gave you a hundred dollars?!
(to himself) Last one.
Yikes.
They got away.
Hey, George!
Is it Famous Ray's?
Hey.
What else did you say to her?
Funny is funny, we're here to entertain, right?
Used?
What?
Uncle Leo! Did he leave any tickets here for me?
Ok.
40. Perfect. Brand-new Armani suit, you want it?
How do you do? (introducing himself) Uh, Jerry Seinfeld.
Okay, I will.
So are you gonna get him a chair?
Oh I can't. They revoked my membership. Newman too. You know, we can't go anywhere near there.
(agonised) Uugh! Ahh.
It's Jerry. Who's this?
What happened to you?
Oh, I'm gonna puke.
I've called everyone. You know how hard it is to get a dermatologist in this town? (Kramer comes in) A real dermatologist.
It sure is.
Hey, there's Elaine.
Can't you just listen to me?
 What the hell?
An overdose of odor? Good question.
I didn't do it! I just had to pay her to cover for somebody else!
What calls?!
What?
Yeah, I'll give you yours as soon as I get my money back.
Come on! I know it's something you wanna do! (she pulls harder and he falls right off the table) 
Oh my stomach. I feel like I'm going to throw up.
It was nice meeting you...
My Nana?
I was hoping you'd offer. (The intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?
(grabs the ticket back) Give me that.
Hey, doesn't Newman have a Bruline racquet?
Ahh! She threw me out. 
Suing? What for?
She said I wasn't sponge-worthy. Wouldn't waste a sponge on me!
It's a lotta gum!
Bye!
Boy, they seem pretty angry about something.
What? George Costanza, Frankie Merman.
He wants me to set him up with this girl, Nina Stengal.
Famous Original Ray's?
(Jerry brings her back) You took too many of those pills.
George NO!!
I didn't--
And so, uh I felt very uncomfortable with him and you know I just blurted out something about your party.
C'mon, you lost your wallet, I figured I'd get you another one.
More like a dope was giving it to her straight. Another cup of coffee with you, she'll wind up in a convent.
If you can.
Thank you.
Great, its yours. I can't stand the sight of it. Elaine, here's the car keys. (tosses her the keys)
Hey Bania, the dinners off. The ticket's no good. The numbers are all smudged out. (holds out the ticket and hands it to Bania)
Um, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until we get in the car?
'Where's my Mr. Goodbar?'
Oh, my god!
Yeah, that would give him some height, be able to check things out. With a back or without.
We could argue all night over who took the napkins. The point is in today's modern world it just doesn't seem relevant.
(looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude.
Oh, hi Valerie. What's up?
Hey.
That's true.
Well, you look, uh...relaxed.
The police?
 Nice to meet you.
No, never.
Oh, did - did she say anything else to you?
I told her about the contest. 
Oh, okay.
All right. Elaine.
What is it?
Yeah, thanks.
who? 
I know, I haven't thrown up since June 29th, 1980.
... you're a real pleasure. (Jerry is being sarcastic)
'Kay. (Buzzes them in.)
Hum, but you've got the key to his place right?
(locking his door) Oh, I gotta go visit my nana in the nursing home.
I wouldn't use her toothbrush. 
If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it.
It's supposed to be hot.
It's probably so the woman has one last chance to change her mind.
Alright.
...Guess so.
I swear to you, I didn't know they TV was bolted to the table.
I was kidding when I said that!
Well, what street are you on?
George I'm telling ya..
Ahh.
Well, I didn't know that you didn't invite him.
What is that about leaving after sex? Did I ever leave with you?
To the Paul Simon concert in the park!
I got another card from Kristin. Not quite as chipper as the first one.
Yo?
The ticket is worthless.
All right, the whole elevator business, let me just explain-
Swivel?
Yes, change. By all means, change.
Hey, Georgie! I'm doing some research down at the coffee shop. Your story's the one.
I'm clean and you know it. 
Cancelled? But I was supposed to be on tomorrow night.
He couldn't handle the weight.
Wow, poison control? That's even higher than number one!
Cat fight with Raquel Welch.
Yeah, I put a six hour tape in. That should cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial. Alright, I'll see ya.
You must be George's cousin.
They nailed you on the 20 G's?
All right. Elaine, David, I believe we have a deal here in principle: Arby's no more than once a month. And in exchange, Elaine comes to your softball game, and doesn't read a book. 
Oh, thanks.
 What the hell is going on here?
osh.
You got a date with Becky Gelke?!
So she just left the office - didn't say a word to you about anything?
I think what he's trying to say is, 'get the bouilla-base.' (George nods 'yes' and continues to choke.)
Oh, Hey, there's a name you don't forget.
Well--
oh you think she's Erika, the phone sex woman 
I want to!
Your boyfriend, he's taking it out.
Well Elaine needs to borrow his racquet. Just for today.
Hey, Kramer, look at this.
Well I guess I'm stuck with the Velvet Fog. 
Oh, I told him he'd never make it. He was up all night! Oh my god...Kramer?
August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two. The same dress! She never changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds of these dresses.
So, you're actually considering it?
Hello?
(On the phone) Nina, Hi. It's Jerry.
Just wait there. I'll pick you up, and, Kramer, stay alive no matter what occurs, I will find you!
Well, at least he didn't-
Raymond?
I just a ssumed, ...
Do you see him?
Ah hah, alright, let's go.
What are you doing? You're choking me. Elaine!
I was trying to be.
That's right, lady!
You know this...
Yes, he is.
I don't have your suit. I gave it away.
Hey, Isn't that my mother's fur coat?
Look at my picture!
He had to use cork-screw pasta.
I thinks it's kind of a pompous look. You know my parents used to have a kitchen chair that would have been perfect.
Look at you. I told you. Up all night playing poker. Come on. (Jerry and George are about to leave. George turn's back and looks at Kramer.)
There must be a secret stash around here somewhere.
God, you're right.
Yeah, your widower story's tested through the roof. (various patrons give the thumbs up in approval) When are you getting out of there?
Where did you get that? 
Actually, it was a ********.
(placatory) Look, let me just state for the record, I think you're both better than me.
I can't. I got to meet Clare.
All right.
Maybe this isn't my coat.
Aye......
Let me get that.
Woah. (hitting George)
(Smiling to himself) Beautiful.
Bye.
Actually she has a thing where she spirals her tongue around, it's like--
oh you're crazy 
Fourteen years down the drain. (points and walks off -- to the bathroom)
Give me the clothes.
(pause, to Donna) You know, you might wanna think about changin' your name...
Why?
No, I'm gonna take my car.
I've been defaced!
Newman.
Well, it's been a great visit.
Hey Seth. Man it is coming down hard out there.</font>
Marriage is a big step, Elaine. Your life'll totally change.
(To Nina) Hey, how 'bout my friend, George? Quite a guy, huh?
So, you're back together? 
Somebody remember where we parked.
Yeah, I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming.
Oh God. (foreseeing an arm's grabbing as he sees Uncle Leo entering with his wife Stella)
Babu? Babu...[waves Babu to come to table] Babu...you know, I got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just, it's a little stringy. You have any chicken?
Well, either you see him or you don't.
Okay.
No, I want the picture back.
Oh, you're not kiddin'. Who'd 've figured Susan would break up with him? They had a good thing going.
I thought you'd like that.
Hi Ralph.
Right in the head! (leans in and points at Testikov)
Yeah.
Well it's gone. I'm sorry. Good-bye Bania.
It is! (Jerry walks forcefully into the dressing room and closes the door) Give me that back.
Yes.
What're you doing? I thought you were changing.
Well, I'm a prospective member.
Yeah?
Oh, gross. That's not gonna be good for business.</font>
Jerry.
Back on the rack.
Yeah, I thought it was stupid. Unless you guys are liking it again.
Don't go a-knockin'.
Hey, I wonder if they have a picture of my rash in here.
Yeah.
(to Leo) Uncle Leo.
 Oh, Kramer huh?
Please.
Wow! (hitting George)
Well I'm happy to help, in any way that I can.
Of course. How are you?
Oh, no, not beautiful.
I think you got it.
Well well, if it isn't the first lady of the American Theatre. (Elaine smiles and rolls her eyes at him) What brings you here?
It's impossible 
Oh, the hell with her. (Paula dramatically flees from the coffee shop. Jerry thinks for a second, then follows her and catches up to her on the street.)
I still can't believe Michael finked on Kramer.
Well--Noreen listened to you like George's mother listened to the Chinese. (buys a newspaper out of a machine)
Oh, really. (Carl and another moving guy come in and pick up the couch.)
Anyway, you know why I didn't ask you, I mean I felt so uncomfortable, and you were so annoyed in the cab.
Assman!
Well, at least the Costanzas changed their mind and decided not to move. They couldn't bear being away from George.
But that guy has my jacket.
I don't know about that but I'm sure there is a explanation. 
(incredulous) Oh, come on!
All right, all right. All right, that's enough! Let's get back to my deal. That undercoating, that's a rip-off, isn't it, David? 
Aw.
Well, maybe your refrigerator...
(looking at the cop) What is he doing? Is he getting coffee? I think he's getting coffee.!
The Bubble Boy? He lives around here?
Now you know. That, and that alone, is the reason.
All right.
Look, she's cutting up an Almond Joy.
Hey.
How can I figure out if there's any places to rent in Tuscany? Wait a minute. Poppy's from Tuscany. I'm gonna go call him.
I...don't remember.
No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out.
What do you mean you can't go? There's two really girls sitting at the counter eating grilled cheese. Cheese, George! Cheese!
(kidding) Uncle Leo?
Hey.
He was trying to lift the TV.
I think we're still a man short.
Darren?
Hey, this looks like the thing I have. Caused by exposure to benzene, a common ingredient in metal cleaners.
Get outta here.
No, it's not. It's mine. I'm a fancy boy.
Cindy.
(sarcastically) Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover it.
Oh! (hitting George)
Hey, look, I'm going to pay for that.
Oh and I've got some things of yours here.
it can't be 
I'm not gonna let you walk out of my life.
They got some sort of program.
You can't have that coat, it's not yours.
(unimpressed) I, really can't say.
Hi Jack.
You have no idea.
Come on.
But he's an old man, Elaine.
(consternation) Oh no. (to the bedridden two) It's go time.
So, I'm gettin' the insider's deal? 
No I...
 Patti?
What are you doing here?
(still bossy) Did you just order coffee?
(pointedly) Yeah, I'm good for about four thousand dollars.
No, I haven't heard anything.
Yeah.
You know, I saw someone on the street eating M&Ms with a spoon.
Yeah, no one's reading any rolled-up messages in a knish...
Hey Carl, I also need you to go to Elaine's and bring my old couch back.
Ok.
What do you think the dry-cleaner's is your own personal closet!
Hey, Julio. I was wondering, could you get to that shower today, You think?
It's hardly been used.
Poppy told me to talk to his cousin, he lives down in Little Italy.
I don't know.  Maybe.
You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same clothes. You'll of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll go downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes.
Alright, alright. I'll wake 'em up.
Home at last. Ahhhh. (light turns off)</font>
Where's Celia?
Uh, bathroom.
Oh, yeah.
What are you doing?
Hmm..
You know, she didn't really do what she was supposed to do.
Oh! (hitting George)
(Taking out his checkbook) No, I insist. I was the one who encouraged you to fire her - the whole thing was all my-
Well I'll get them.
alright that's enough 
Do you want box or hanger?
Hey, isn't that Michael's car?
It's not good, okay. It's not good. You look (searches for word) stupid. (to salesman) I'm sorry.
Poppie!
Dead?
(Seeing a street vendor) Hey, it's the bootlegged Death Blow that I shot.
Okay. 
(to himself) Hmm, testy.
Is someone there? </font>
Fellas, fellas, look, I gotta go.
Hey, it's the K-man. (he bangs on the glass to get Kramer's attention, Elaine laughs) Maybe it's time you got a different hobby.
I've got a black eye.
Well I...
 Alright, how much does he owe you?
Tell me what?
This is really too much.
Marla? 
Really...
Thank you.
(surveying the restaurant) Look, they're doing it. They're all doing it!
Hey.
Could you?
Nothing.
Oh, I'm sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin, Artie Levine.
(defensive) No no, that's not true!
....Alright, alright, I saw her!...
You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab?
Hello?
Mr. Marbles?</font>
hmm. (nodding head)
I thought it was open to the public.
That's my hand towel! I use that on my face, hands and chest! That's where the hives are coming from! It's not from Dr. Sitarides, it's from Dr. Van Nostrand!
Sure.
Hey, come on. Come on. I gotta live around here.
It's early.
Nude backgammon with swimsuit models!
Hey, uncle Leo.
(Pauses, noting Elaine's quick accept) fault. (Starts to write a check out, then stops, looking at the door) Do you smell smoke?
All right. (goes into his hallway and comes back) You got my fins?
What are you talking about?
What're you doing here?
Hey hey hey, slow down Eddie. What what's the matter?
And she was beautiful in that bra!  I'm crazy about her!  I love her whole free swinging, free wheeling attitude!
Yeah! me too
No you don't.
Hey, how's he doin'?
(defensive) I didn't ruin your business.
Did he say anything?
Oh uh, Elaine, this is my aunt Stella.
You know, I think I'll just take the check.
(taking out his wallet and handing over bills grudgingly)  Fifty dollars.
Uh, sorry, Excuse me one second. Hello.
Well, I'm sitting over there waiting for you to finish your sandwich for twenty minutes. Now you're drinking coffee, that's gonna be another ten minutes.
Yeah, I'm sure...
That's their policy.
(To Amy:) Aha! So it's true! You were making out with him!
Look, Elaine, I've been thinking about this. This has got to be a massive conspiracy. Who knows how deep it goes. Hey, look, wait a second, (looking at the TV) Kramer, turn that up.
what? 
You want food, don't cha? (nodding his head up and down)
 H... G... F.  Seat four.  One, two, three... f-- Hello Newman.
Why don't you get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get the whole thing over with?
(sarcastically) Yeah, 'Levine'. And I'm Jerry Cougar Mellencamp. Anyway, I admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean, obviously we have a little problem here.
(pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you lay it out on the bed.
Oh my god!! 
It's stuck. (pained) Oww! The steam from the hot-tub musta warped the wood.
Yeah...
Wow! Zanadu . No wonder you're putting in so many hours. (looks at urinal) May I?
Alright, get out. And take your Bronzo with you (throws the bottle to Kramer.)
Are you?
Hey! Officer! Someone took my European carryall!
A Willard? Saccamano, Sr. screwed me!
What?
(to Elaine) Hey, do you think I'm phony?
How you doing?
Oh, how you doing? Nice to meet you.
Well, I-I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta tell 'em what happened.
I got your poker chips. You got my goggles?
Look I don't know.
George is taking it.
Yeah, it's very good. (reluctantly)
You know, she really doesn't belong here. My uncle put her here, Because he's trying to prove he doesn't owe my mother fifty dollars.
Ohh. Hey, how you feeling?
That's it?
How did it happen?
Yeah.
Fifty dollars. I Don't Believe This!
(uncertain) Don't you hire people to do that?
The...black, leather...thing with a strap.
Oh my god, it's...
(to Stella) Her back hurts.
(thinking) Bad man? Could've my mother been wrong?
 Yeah, but--
Aw, wait a--. Oh. Oh, for crying out loud.
Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
This is some beautiful parking spot you got here.
Oh very convincing, but it's not gonna work this time.
Mohair, I think.
oh you're afraid he might look like Zippy the pinhead 
All right, go ahead
 Oh, it's enchanting.
I mean, if we're gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about other people.
Hey, what happened to my jacket?
I'm trying. I can't get a grip. My hand's had kind of a bad week.
We were too compatible Our conversations were so engrossing.
Yes, a purse. I carry a purse!
Kramer, I can't believe we're grave robbers.
Because a real Wizard's two hundred dollars.
I don't want to make trouble. You want the money? Here.
Mike thinks I'm a phony.
What happened to you? You were going like a hundred miles an hour.
Oh. (Notices Louis' jacket) Isn't that, uh, your..
Why?
They're next to the poker chips.
Oh they were tired it was a last minute thing.
He said he doesn't care, he'll just turn the cushion over.
Yeah. I'm having a wonderful time. (it's obvious he isn't)
Oh, hey, I'm being helpful. I am the only one being helpful!
Buddy?
Hmm.
You've got to stop it. Your your all hopped up on the caffein.
I can't figure out what's going on here. I can't follow the plot. Why did they kill that guy? I thought he was with them?
I dunno how that guy gave us the slip at the Friars Club.
Thank you. (They continue walking)
Look at the size of his bird!
(thinking) So, you just need some guys that could roll 'em?
So, Silvio ambushed Joe Mayo?
 Wait a second, I--
Oh, it's an invitation to a house warming from Martin and Gina.
Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Hey you guys!
Yeah. Hey, dad, you sure you don't need any more money?
(Moving to the window, shocked) Oh my God in heaven! 
Oh... oh... wanna get some pizza?
You mean you just started sniffing?
Non-fat yogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani and he doesn't even know it.
oh I though you didn't care about his looks 
As good as it gets.
This guy's belching out vitamins..
Good.
Hello..
I have some questions of my own. 
(looks round) Don't worry, I'll get you out.
Wow! Hey, there's Clare. I better go down.
If we ever had a problem with Elaine, we could bring in Nina and not lose a step.
(seeing Fredo's tombstone) Oh, my God. Here he is. I don't want to dig him up! (hands the shovel to Kramer)
No deal. Not hot.
No, no.
Yeah, but I can't say anything because Kramer wasn't supposed to tell me.
Look, I gotta try and help the guy.
I guess.
That's right.
(Interrupting Bania) Yeah, yeah I know. This would be good, but it would be the same. But if we go some place else, it would be different, but it might not be as good. It's a gamble. I get it.
Hey! I'm trying to prevent my friend from becoming one of those guys people snicker at behind their back, because they look ridiculous! No offence to you personally!
You're racing!
What is he doing in the Chunnel?
Ouf.
So I guess , you're not getting married?
I'm still big. It's the bootlegs that got small. So how are things at the office? Back to normal?
(having an idea) I think I can help you out. I'll see you later.
Gwen! How'd you know I was here?
He should have had a reverse peephole.
Having a cup of coffee.
Yeah, it's some place down in the village.
Well now you know how I feel. (Hangs up)
What are you doing here?
Alright, I'm just joking. Listen, have a nice trip.
I was wearing that sweater in the coffee shop when Barry came in.
Well, we've got to do something. (grabs his phone) I'm calling Giuliani's headquarters.
aha 
(cont) and this whole justice league, Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman. You mean to tell me Superman can't cover everything?
Good.
Hey. It's you! (pointing) Th..that's my Friars Club jacket!
Here.
There's the giant ball of oil. Clare's right underneath that thing. Clare! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o!
Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't make the transition from conversation to sex. There were no awkward pauses... I need an awkward pause.
(grimaces and takes the shovel back) I'll dig.
Nexus of the universe. Hey, Cindy. Cindy.
I can't, I told Kramer I was vaulting it.
Yes I'd like to speak with Dr. Siegel... it's about Roy Kordic's condition...
Yeah, see you.
Absolutely
Oh, and who might that be?
All right! Take it easy! Take it easy.
Uh, sometimes I use the sofa.
(adamant) No, no, no. That's my jacket, give it back.
But....
I wouldn't worry about it. (People on sidewalk behind them are doing her dance as they go)
The timeless art of seduction. 
Hello? Hello?
 He was a nice guy.
Yeah.
Kramer, are you drinking that milk?
Hey, is Davola outside?
Uh, yeah, I'm familiar with some of his writing. (George shoots Jerry a smirk, then returns to his book) Alright, (Hand the check to Elaine) look, we gotta get back to work. We just had a big breakthrough here.
I still don't know how you spotted that dime. I think you planted it. Plus I had to pay that vet bill for the stupid dog. I don't know how that guy got my name.
I don't know why we didn't think of this before. We just could call TV Guide. 
oh I'm sorry I didn't get most of that.. isn't that Kramer over there? 
For crying out loud, He's Superman. (Fulton stops laughing, Jerry's face is stunned) Fulton? (looks at him) Fulton?
Great? Where do you get 'great'?
C'mon I need it.
(Interrupts) Excuse me...Excuse me... Are you asking him out ?
(yell) Move to the back of the drawers!
Why?
And where does it end? Then everyone's doin' it. It's like the wave at ball games. Air quotes. The phrase, 'Don't go there.' - Someone's gotta take a stand! 
(hitting metal with the first strike of the shovel) Well, that was easy.
Here. I got your money.
Wow. Look at him. The Yankee Clipper...
Open my vault?
Oh, that's *fantastic*!
(shocked) What?
Oh no! The letter, Newman, it's got exclamation points all over it!
These the people you currently live with?
If you are a waitress and you ever see me in a restaurant, I'm telling you right now, I don't want to hear about the specials. I don't want to know about the specials. I'm sick of the specials. I hate the specials. My feeling is, if the specials were so special, they'd be on the menu. You know what's special about them? They don't know if anybody likes them. They always have these overly creative descriptions of the specials too, you know. The veil is lightly slapped, and then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite with a white wine intravenous.
I'm sorry.
No, Poppie! No!!
Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again? (listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone. C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on one, you can bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on me. (hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello.
(determined) I wanna join. I need it to become a member.
Well , now I'm engaged..
This is going to be a shame.
Dad, I'm sorry.
 Was there a red-headed guy there?
All right we're coming down.
What's the expiration date on that?
Yeah.
Hey, Happy Birthday.
(Moving back into the living room) Okay.
What do you mean, no? 
Well, it's gonna make Mr Costanza very happy. (he hands the magazine to Elaine) 
hey Kramer 
What are we doing out here? Aren't we going to go in and eat?
...Guys?
Right in front of me!. How do you know we're not together. Two guys, sittin' laughin' drinking Champagne Coolies.
So, you're gonna wear 'em no matter what the situation?
Gwen. Gwen, wait! Ah! (runs back to his seat) Bad lighting on the porch.
(with a wild expression) Hey, Kramer! I dug Fredo up, now let's cut him open!
Come on. Take it. It's money. Let me give it to ya.
...here.
You know what it was, bad location.
Once I open the vault, it ceases to be a vault.
Take care now. So long.
Thank you very much. O.K. Bye-bye. He's gonna be okay!
Are you serious?
The what??
Oh, no thanks.
Mammal.
Uh huh
Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab.
Well I thought we'd both be getting married.
He's a ringer!
And who were you tryin' to set up, anyway? The mechanic or the manager? 
It does other things!
 Yeah.
We're taking Elaine to dinner. She's got to start the fast again. Um, you want to go?
The third?
The old yogurt was so much better. Oh, this is terrible.
Look, who are you kidding? You come up to my apartment with your table and your little oils, and I'm not supposed to expect anything? You're a massage teaser. 
What's the matter? 
what's all set? 
Oh, w-what are you saying? So we're not going to go in there anymore?
Uh-huh. Yeah. So, anybody specific?
Can you believe it?!
Well we're sitting here together. Why wouldn't you think that.
Oh, I'm sure it's fine.
(after a very awkward pause, cheerily) Hey, neighbor.
Well, this is all very sophisticated.
Aren't you cold? Where's your jacket?
Oy ga-vault.
Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars in the new wallet.
Sex... to save the friendship. (Elaine drops her bag, takes off her jacket and walks into Jerry's bedroom) Well, if we have to (un-tucks his shirt) we have to.
Look I really don't know what they're plans are.
I'm heading over to Elaine's.
I know. Pretty steep.
(examining) Hey George, you know what? I think this crest is different. It's got a moose on it.
What causes homophobia? What is it, that makes a heterosexual man, worry? I think it's because, men know, that deep down we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little bit, see how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?''
 Yeah, I know.  There's no call for that kind of attitude.
Eleven dollars for what?
Fine. Go. 
It is a good idea, Elaine. 
how's you get her to meet here? 
We can't eat here anymore, because he took a waitress out for a walk.
Oh really? Elaine Marie Benes...
Well it's very emasculating..
Clare won her lawsuit against Play Now. Gee, Play Now is filing for bankruptcy. I guess you're not going in anymore.
I think there's a mental hospital near here. 
Oh, sorry.
He lost all that cash. It was the only way I could give it back to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it.
What is that anyway?
Those two?
Few do.
Yeah. (subdued) I don't think this is the jacket.
WE HAD A PACT!!!
Kra _ mer!
I can't believe Kruger didn't fire you after all you did.
 Oh, we all hated him.
(to Kramer) Hey, NBC okayed our idea. We're gonna make the pilot.
I can't eat this.
What for? 
You want a gyro? 
oh my god 
Hey, what happened to your coat? And what is the smell? Is-ya, What are you drunk?
 Can you move over at all?!
No, that's great! That's terrific!
Mmm-mmm-mmm. That means, if you still had those stock options...
He was gonna fire you?
So they're not paying you your...
(still in tuxedo, tie undone) Ah, I'll just take the fire escape to get in and out of the building.
I think SHE saw it coming.
I-I'll tell 'em
What?
Are you sure?
Yeah, well, until this bill is paid...
Yeah, I finally got to see Dr. Kazarian. He said it was really bad.
I thought you were on strike?
Hey.
No.
It had fat in it, it's not good for you.
You need to talk? 
Elaine! 
hello.. Erika 
What for?
Well the-the crowd must have gone wild!
I'm sorry.
 An inch!  Can you move over an inch?!?
Doesn't matter. What's the young man's name? I would like to meet him.
...the food court is closed.
Ohh, you got the jacket back.
Tunisia?
So you're pretty much...
Almost. (Notices his shoes) Hey, new Timberlands?
Look just because Kramer vomited on her doesn't mean the deal is dead.
Name it.
You know, Gary (slams shut the door) I had a little chat with George the other day...
Well, let's confront 'em.
Aloe. So where's that lock smith?
You mean it was open? We desecrated a pet cemetery for nothing?
151?
Sorry I'm late, I just came from a meeting with my lawyer.
how can u say things like that over the phone? 
It doesn't matter. I want a divorce.
Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer of some sort?
(taking the jacket) Thank you.
Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
What ever happened to Darren?
Really?
Dad!
Vommiting is not a deal breaker. If Hitler had vommited on Chamberlin, Chamberlind still would have given him Chekoslovakia.
(looking outside) Hey Newman, is that your red car?
So you didn't even let the doctor treat you?
Fire engines?
That's nice.
So, in effect, the yogurt won him the election.
George, anything you have to say to her, you can say in front of me. 
So you thought as long as they're mailing postcards, it wouldn't be too much to ask my parents to drag a child who they've never seen, through the streets of Paris?
So what's going on with Simon? Did he leave?
Ah, excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr. Giggio.
There's no cops around. They're gonna leave. Come on.
Wha'd you think Susan?
It's a letter from your friend Barry Prophet's lawyer.
I was always excited as a kid, when that new TV Guide would come. Somehow when that front cover's nice and flat, seems like there's good fresh TV shows in. Then, as the weeks go by you start to hate the TV Guide. All the shows stink. Everything's getting all crumpled and ripped from being sat on, thrown across the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed, to another person. It's the world's most thrown reading material. 'Where's TV Guide?' (mimes throwing) 'There it is.' You know in the back of the TV Guide, they have a phone number, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers to the TV Guide crossword puzzle? My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, where are you coming across ninety-five cents? 
selling sexual pleasure over the phone? 
George!
Wow! What'd she say?
Yes, that's right.
(advancing on Gary) ...and he told me that that... (becomes indistinct)
Ah, high finance. Bulls, Bears, people from Conneticut.
Oh. (smiling) Oh, that's nice of 'em.
Elaine, I'm sure George is just being sympathetic.
(sardonic) Oh. (smiles)
So Clare sure looked real funny covered in oil like that... (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o I got beamed with a giant ball of oil...
So, what are you up for? How about Mexican?
What happened to you?
I think you're getting a ticket.
...main difference between the women's wallet and the man's wallet, is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since the beginning of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean? It's, 'Here's my cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now.' 'This is my dog. He died during the Johnson administration.' You know. You get stopped by a cop, no licence, no registration, (waves imaginary wallet) 'Here's fifty-six people that know me.' Cop goes. 'Alright, ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check.'
What? 
Poppy sent me to see you Mr. Giggio.
Let's go.
Nina?
Yeah,
Bankruptcy, bankruptcy...as in I've taken your money and spent it on drugs!
paper goods? 
All right lets go.
I'll tell you what happened. We got married.
Look at this. They make a point of saying on the menu, 'No egg white omelets.' Look at that.
Gimme that thing!
(pause) All right, sir.
Yeah.
(apologetically) Brett, I'm, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hit you in the head with.. an axe.
You're not alone. I'm practically broke.
What? Devola? See I told you this guy is crazy. I can't believe this. What happened?
What do you mean?
I can see that. 
So you were with him that day at the track?
Um, did he did he mention to you why I called?
Yeah.
(defensive) At least it was just the handle!
I'm just so glad it's back.
It's been years!
You know, what would be great?
See ya'.
Ahhh... got my laundry back.
No. I guess I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities of a pretend marriage.
Now that's not fair! So where did you meet this guy?
No. But, I did blow over twenty thousand on that Cadillac.
Boy, that is some kick.
What about the money? Apparently if I had dissolved my relationship with him prior to his filing chapter eleven, I've could've got the money back. Which I would've done, if a certain imbecile had been able to get to a mailbox and mail a letter!!
Don't worry. (she leaves) 
Oh, hi Hilde. Can I get an egg white omelet?
Leo?
Yeah, right, right. So is there anything there to rent?
Yeah.
(Introducing the two) George, this is Nina.
(in the microphone, but to Helen) I can't. Nobody's even listening.
Maybe this whole thing would be a good idea for the pilot.
Hi Uncle Leo.
Holy cow! look at that!
He didn't make it.
It's alright, I want you to have it.
Uh huh. When you're on a stakeout, do you find it's better to stand up against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?
Fleckman?
Well, you seem happy.
Wow, Newman's helmet.
You're a lucky guy. 
All right, just give me a western. (unhappy)
Y'know I think that even if you've had a relationship with someone, or let's say, especially if you've had a relationship with someone and you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult. Isn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well, you know all of each others tricks. It's like two magicians, trying to entertain each other. The one goes, 'Look, a rabbit.' The other goes, 'So? I believe this is your card.' 'Look, why don't we just saw each other in half and call it a night, okay?'
Is that so?
I didn't actually want to rent it.
Yeahh.
Why are the crepes spraying?
(to himself) Oh God! (in the microphone) huh... Hey! How you folks doing tonight? (everybody in the crowd is talking over Jerry)
Oh, like you know what you're talking about!
Think so?
Yea. (pulls at the t-shirt) This is Golden Boy's son... Baby Blue.
We'll always have...pancakes.
(singing) '...let somebody love you. Let somebody love you, before it's too...'
I don't think so...
George. I wouldn't push for the massage. (George nods) 
Well, that's very interesting.
Actually, I haven't heard from 'em yet.
(still with his sunglasses) Have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes?
Me, why?
Half silk, half cotton, half linen. How can you go wrong?
(standing) Uncle Leo! I just met an old acquaintance of yours. (indicates Buddy) You remember Buddy. He just told me quite a story about you and Grandpa at the track.
So see um, I didn't say that I wanted to rent it, I was just wondering if there were houses there to rent.
Didn't you tell 'em I got the bill of sale? That proves I paid for it.
(Mesmerized) What are you, a scientist?!
I believe we're not...
It's all George's fault. All that talk about impotence. It got to me. And that orgasm stuff: orgasm this and orgasm that. It's a lot of pressure!
The swedish are very big massagers. You know? They like the swedish meatballs, swedish massage. They like having meat in their hands these people, for some reason. But it's weird because they have the highest suicide rate, they're rubbing each other's necks all the time for a neutral country they seem kinda tense. I don't really like the idea of getting a professional massage. I don't want people touching me that don't know me and don't want to have sex with me. You know what are you bothering me for? You get me all loosened up, juices flowing, and then that's it ok, you're done. It's like having chocolate rubbed all over your face, you know you wanna go 'Excuse me, I think you missed a spot.' 
Who ever thought the first thing somebody wants on a plane is a peanut?
What does he want from me? I didn't do anything. See this is all Elaine's fault. She took off to Europe with his psychiatrist. He probably can't get his medication. Now I got some nut after me.
(with a triumphant point) You're busted!
I don't know. ' 5 cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds of celery, chopped parsley...'
You know, you could put a fence around these condos, and call it an insane asylum. Nobody would know the difference!
Maybe she'll sweeten.
Ah.
What are you two doin' here?
Well, I'll think about it...
Hey, Steve. How you doing?
Hey, Jeff. What's happening?
Great talkin' to you. (Nina leaves. To himself) What the hell is e-mail?
All I said was I liked the pen!
You didn't ... (makes motion like he's lighting a cigar)
Really...
thanks
Mary! Oh, Mary! Give us a kiss.
Oh, hi Evelyn.
(stopping them) We better not. (they make out some more; then stop) T-They're gonna be here any second.
Don't be like that, Mary. C'mon, I made a mistake!
You didn't have to push me.
Wait a second, Elaine. Where do you think you're going?
Pretty good. I think she might be the one.
Oh, Wait a second, you got her autograph?
Now of the course the thing is Extreme sports. Bungie jumping. To me if Bungie jumping is a sport so is being a crash test dummy. Just leaning does not make it a sport. It's like a Wiley Coyote idea isn't it? The thing I wonder about the sky diving is why do they even bother with the helmets? Can you almost make it? Why don't they just wear a party hat? What's the difference? You jump out of a plane from twenty thousand feet in the air the chute doesn't open I got news for you, the helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on the helmet's talking to the other helmets going 'boy it's a good thing he was there or I would have hit the ground directly.' 
In two days.
75,000 lira.
Elaine, I don't want you causing any trouble down at that soup stand. I happen to love that soup.
There must be some mistake.
Do you have it with you?
Not fair.
I know.
Kramer you don't under the conversion rate.
Elaine, let the man make his soup!
Ah, Le'me see.  (hands Jerry the playbill)
She's on your turf.
Alright, that's it. The fight's already started. I'm going upstairs, who's coming? Elaine?
Hey, where's the waiter. Dad, what say we have some red meat tonight. Let's live a little. .
Right, Thursday three o'clock.
You know I don't even know why I brought you.
(to Elaine) Well there's really no point in me staying. I mean you just gonna be...
You're the best.
Could we continue this another time.
Oh, Paul, could you hold that door...
Not bad!
Well. Well.
Nothing.
Yeah, I-I know...
Oh Hi.
Well as I see it, you've got to apply the same principles that get you fired, but redirected, outwardly.
What are you bringing snowballs in here for?
Hey. Could I use your shower?
Hey, Susan, George.
Who's she?
Hi Evelyn.
Yes I do.
(tucking in his shirt) Oh ya this is Rachel.
Well, there's nothing left. There's no food.
Hi, Elaine.
Well if he's going then I'm not going.
(pleading) I got a date. C'mon, please.
Oh, really?
It-it rhymes with a female body part.
I still don't have to go.
Because we're kind of not seeing each other anymore.
Mulva...
What other time?
Why'd she get fired?
Oh, hi. I-I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I'm movin' in. I saw your name on the buzzer - You must be Kessler.
Aub, ah, Gipple?
Yeah. Well, she was very affectionate - which I love. You know I love that - but mentally, we couldn't quite make the connection.
Why? I'll tell you why.
Loleola?
Where you goin'?
Oh.
Oh! Oh! *Delores*!
Boy, he's a real bounder, isn't he?
Yeah. Too bad, 'cause you gotta have the affection - which you obviously have. I think it's great that you're so open with your affections in public. See, we had that.
Like you didn't call me a phony?
Ages zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else. Family, friends, school-- they're only obstacles in the way of getting more candy. And you have your favorite candies that you love. You know the ones I love those... I hate those...''. ``I hate those... I love those...''.  And only a seven year old kid could actually taste the difference between like a red M&M and a light brown, M&M. That's two totally different things when you're seven years old. 'Well, your red is more of a main course M&M, but the brown it's more of a mellower flavor; it's an after dinner M&M, really''.
You don't have a car.
No, thanks. But I ordered a pizza. You want some of it?
Use it in a sentence.
Come on stop.
Oh, yeah. But the mental thing. But anyway. I'll see ya.
Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine is yours. (And with that, Jerry made the most fatal mistake of his life)
(impressed) Who's that?
Well today's almost over. And weekdays always go by fast. Friday we're leaving. It's like two days really. It's like a cup of coffee. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers)
Alright, come on. Who wants to watch the fight?
I don't have it. You want half my omelet? (holds his omelet plate up to Bania)
Oh man. Looks like you got quite a few people here.
Is Florida not hot and muggy enough for these people? They love heat. I mean if they ever decide to land men on the sun, I think these old retired guys would be the only ones that will be able to handle it. They'll just sit there on the sun, on the redwood benches, washcloth on the head going: 'Close the door, you're letting all the heat off the sun. I'm trying to get a sweat going.'
(rueful acceptance) Oh, yeah, I understand.
(interrupting) No no it's ok. (walking Rachel out) So we'll go see Schindler's List later right?
Ok. Uh
Ok, see you later.
What is it?
What show?
Wha - wha - what's the matter?
When did you get tickets to see that?
Well, where are you going?
Oh (laughing) Elaine really? Well that sounds interesting.
Oh.
Oh
(answering phone) Hello?
Yea.
Oh hi Jack.
As soon as is humanly possible.
Yea yea ya I shoulda kept it.
Ya he's right here.
What did I do?
(in a hurry) Yea you're leaving at three o'clock.
(in a hurry) Ya how you gonna get all this done in time?
Hey.
Oh, really good, really good.
Like that (snaps his fingers)
Ya that was some list.
(confused) The black and white.
Oh yea, I didn't even realize.
Ya ya, I tell ya I could see it again.
It is a tad askew.
I've hardly been out to dinner with them.
You're right he's insane.
So what are you going to do?
Uh from what I saw it was pretty good.
Well I um I didn't ah actually get to see the whole movie.
I was kind of um (pauses) making out.
I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time, it just got the better of me.
(trying to justify it) We're both living with our parents.
No I don't think so. I saw Newman as I was leaving but see me.
Hi (takes off his coat and puts it on the counter at which point his parents are both right by him as he goes into the refrigerator. He grabs a drink then turns around to see his parents right there) What? What did I do?
How could I what?
What? No.
(turns) Newman.
I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time and we just kinda started up a little during the coming attractions and the next thing we knew, the war was over.
(answering the phone) Hello.
Hang on a second. (handing Morty the phone) Dad it's Klompus.
Tomorrow afternoon?
W-what do you mean you're not making the flight?
You want the tickets?
You're gonna take this kid to Paris?
You know I'm paying for these tickets.
Hey Dad are you sure we are at the right carousel?
Say Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting on the carousel next to an open box) isn't that one of yours?
(turns around noticing the Charter flight) Dad isn't that your charter group?
NO.
Take care
Buh bye.
I think she meant me, but.
Ok.
Bye.
You tried Aaron, it was too expensive.
Hi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home?
Why what did I do?
Rachel!
Rachel!
So my parents get home, they open the door, my father flicks the light on, the whole place is cleaned out, everything.
The broken window, Klompus never fixed it. They just walked right in.
Yea they're taking one, the travel agent is trying to set something else up for them.
Whew
No I hadn't noticed.
(hearing Newman turns and sees him) Hiya Newman.
Say, I happened to catch you coming out of Schindler's List the other night.
Yes I was.
Yes, shocking brutality don't you think?
Yes, well that was nothing.
