Hey, boys and girls. I need you both to sponsor me in the AIDS walk.
Hey! You're back!
I wouldn't walk over there.
Well, I really miss the Bermuda Triangle.
Well, that was alright, huh?
Look how dark it's gettin' already.
All right, Coney Island. Ok, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.
Wide open, I was wide open underneath! I had three inches on that guy. You two were hogging the ball.
Hey. I got some bad news for you, buddy. I think your car got stolen again.
All right, get off at the next exit.
Mousse. I moussed up.
Well what's the difference -- Come on (pats him on the back) -- were like Cain and Able.
It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change.
enters
You sure you don't want me to take my clothes off? (beat) I'll do it!
Jerry, now calm down, it's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake you up! Y'know, I was watching 'Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo,' and I - y'know, I wanted to get some popcorn, and I, uh...I used the spare keys that you gave me to come into your apartment to get your popper.
What are you looking for?
So, what do you think?
Why can't I play Kramer?
Yeah, yeah, so...git-git...(gestures to Elaine to sign the form.)
Yeah, how was it?
Hey. 
It's the most dangerous part of the sidewalk. Cab hops a curb, wap! You've had your last egg sandwich.
Oh, there's action. There's plenty of action. That damned alien autopsy is stealing all the headlines.
Well, um, goodnight.
When does it start?
Jerry, look at all these pagodas, huh? I gotta get over to Hong Kong before it all goes back to China..
You can have this one.
Well, yeah...
Well you parked it on eighty-fourth and Columbus, right?
It's a great house, pool, sun deck? Yeah, I'll be there.
You know, I should've done this years ago. I mean, I feel like I've had two lives. My pre-mousse. And now, I begin my post-mousse. Hey, tell me the truth, have you ever seen a better looking guy?
No he didn't. They were in business together... it was dry wall, or somethin'.
Oh! Yeah your old college roommate huh?
What's the problem?
Well, why don't you take your clothes off?
It's just me.
No, no, no.
About the opera.
Neither are you.
It was there!
Well, if I didn't do something I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
Good for you.
Boy, I have really had it with Newman. He wakes me up again last night at three o'clock in the morning to tell me he's going up onto the roof to kill himself. 
I'd much rather get hit by an 80 pound air conditioner than a two ton cab.
See, what they gotta do is loose a plane or a Greenpeace boat in there. See, that would get the triangle going again.
(quietly, to himself) Look at this.
Uh. Well, I'm sick o' waiting. (pulls out his pocket-watch (it has a chain, too)) I am springin' ahead riiight now.
You know, my friend Bob Saccamano made a fortune off of those. See he came up with the idea for the rubber band. Before that, people would just hit the ball, and it would fly away.
Yep, well I just walked by there and that car is gone.
'Jerry it's my fault .I couldn't make a shot. These losses they stay with me. They (?) Jerry. Now this is gonna plague me.'( Puts on aftershave and cries out) OH! Mother!!!'
All right then, what was it?
Hmmm,, Dramatica comedia heh!
Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York.
Do you know how much that comes to? That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's going to be $50,000
(debonair smile) Well, it'd be our little secret.
Forgot the popper... (goes to the kitchen, grabs the popper, drops the lid, juggles it around, then exits.)
(clueless) what is what?
You gotta go.
Oh come on Jerry. How hard is it to act. You say something, I'll pretend it's funny.
Hey.
(to car as it accelerates away) Hey pig!
(annoyed that he forgot) Oh, I keep forgetting to enter that!
I tell ya, there's some people, they just wear a ribbon and they think they're doin' something? Not me. I talk the talk, and I walk the walk, baby. (gets up) I'll be right back.
Hello boys.
You killed.
I said ' Jump.' Well, he's been threatening to do this for years. I said ' Look, if you're gonna kill yourself do it already and stop bothering me.' At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing something. 
Much rather take it to the head, Like I did in '79.
What would be the point in taking the water?
Well, where is it?
(Imitating a Turkish terrorist) You! Take off your socks, your pants, your underwear. We're doing the wash. C'mon! Take it off, take it off! 
Hey, how about if the book came with these little fold-out legs...so the book itself becomes a coffee table?
Oh now, don't tell me you're still mad at him for calling you a phony. Jerry, that was five years ago!
The way I remember it, Cain, he was a successful doctor, but when he took this special formula, he became Mr. Able.
Euh.. We don't go to enough theater.
Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should give her a call.
If it's a dime a day it could be $100,000
Who did?
You're in a weird mood.
Jerry, you don't understand, that?s the way they talk in Italy, they sing to one another. Kramer starts to sing in bad Italian.
Hey, Georgie. 
Ha ha ha. Your grandmother's in the hospital!
Well I got it!
You want these? Knee socks. You don't wear knee socks.
(handing Jerry & George a flyer) Good morning, gentlemen.
Yes, indeed.  The calendar says winter, but he gods of spring are out.
Unbelievable.
No job. No women. 
Don't really remember.
No. It belongs to the British.
(Confused) What is up with you two?
You're a chucker.
Well, there's no difference, you know, I'm just curious.
What does it look like I'm doing? What?
Egh. These aren't candies. 
Hey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear?
I was yelling at the litterbug. I mean this is my town. You don't throw trash on the streets of my town.
'What d'you got there?'
Hey.
Hey! Mike!
Yeah. Well I was trying to make gravel and it just (moves hands around) just didn't work out.
(Remembering) No, that wasn't dancing.
Was it more than just one?
Fix what?
That?s the way it was, you know. You listen to the language, its got that sing songy quality. It?s the language Jerry, the language
What you didn't think I was really laughing?
What do you think?
Jerry, did you get my Fortune magazine in your mail?
(removing his coat) Yeah, well, it's the latest offering from the Alex Theatre.
No, no........I'm sneaking in with Stan the Caddy, we've been going through the caddies entrance.
How much?
Well, what am I supposed to tell him? How much there is for him to live for? Why should I lie to him? 
George, why couldn't I use the bathroom in that store?
So, what do you think about that alien autopsy?
You'll get used to it. It's like a grubby scrub.
(To Jerry) So how was the big trip?
Come on, Jerry, you're going to miss the exit.
Oh, memory burn.
What happened to the car?
Alright, alright...
Well I'm a guest. 
Put that on the top of your list.
No, I fled the scene.
'Yeah'
Where you going?
Hey, Seinfelds!
Why don't you just give up?
Oh? Who's Leo?
I'm sorry. I thought it was a legitimate charity. I didn't know you'd get audited
What are they gonna do?
Hey you know this is the first time we've ever seen each other naked.
what is this? What have I got one pant leg on for?
Well its, uh, well its too hard to keep up, you know, they were tired.
Let me see you do it.
(leafing through Jerry's mail) Oh, who sent you a card?
(sits beside Jerry) Well, you should smell it now. We fixed up the place.
Yeah, and I'll tell ya something else. Stan's advice has transformed my game. He's never wrong. Oh, he thinks eventually I'll have a shot at making it big on the senior tour. (sucks in air through tight lips) Oh, that's my dream, Jerry.
Aw, c'mon.
Why don't you use the machines down in the basement? 
(frustrated) Wha??
I think so too.
Well ... I like the sound it makes when you walk on it.
(Observing Elaine's bandaged nose) Well, what happened to your nose?
It's good suspension! 
How did they ever find you?
Yeah, yeah, it'll kill me.
Sorry.
Better get that
Well my buddy works in an appliance store and he got us thirty percent off.
(enters apartment) Hey.
(to George) Hey buddy.
So, you think your parents'll get back together?
Really? What is Bette Midler playing? Is she going to be there?
Hey. Super's in my bathroom changing my shower head. Have they changed your shower head?
No, pool. I just swam 200 laps.
How long are you staying?
Aahh, this looks familiar...
At least that's what Jerry says. Now face it. If it hasn't happen it's not gonna happen. All right, we go grab some bouffe . Join us?
Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot his first name..
Oh, boy.
No, blame me.
Oh, you didn't sneak a peak?
No, t's a joke.. a joke... a joke... you think this is funny?
Alright. I've never been to Mars but I imagine it's quite lovely.
Alright. I'm ready. (To George) You know, I still don't understand - why do you want to move back in with your parents?
Open it, it's from Hallmark.
Oh, Chinese food. I knew I smelled something.
Now this I like.
(lighting his pipe) Well, it's a rare archival print. (jumps as his burns his fingers) Twelve extra minutes, full wide-screen CinemaScope, and if you come to the one o'clock show, you can hear Geoffrey Har-harwood.
Oh, I'm the real deal.
I tell you how much I make.
How 'bout if I put a few things -- 
So, I noticed you bounced a check at the bodega.
Well, you gotta give me something! Come on, how was the wedding? Was the bride radiant?
It's this way.
I must know.
My drain's all clogged up! (Comes out of the bathroom in a towel, covered in soap suds.)
Good one? It's the Commando 8.
What, this is a party? 
Hey, you got a hammer?
What?
Hey, George, stick 'em up.
'They're Plyometric.(sp?)'
Bette Midler is going to be in the park today? Yeeee. Jerry, don't tease me.
Yeah, here, Stan, in here!
Low flow? Well I don't like the sound of that.
(impressed) Now, listen, uh. You better not wait. I'll catch you later.
Hey! Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza?
(quickly) Ah no no no. No bets for me, I uh, I got a disease.
Look at hose babies [hands]. They're prunes. I saw Conrad going up to oyur place.
Oh yeah, yeah I heard, Marvin Kessler. Boy, that makes you think. If he could go...
(enters) Well... I've had it with these jackbooted thugs!
No, no, no, no. These brown things. The chairs. (hits his hand on the rim) Jerry, this is the set from the old Merv Griffin Show! (he climbs into the dumpster) They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian!
And to the bathroom.
I think she was happy someone finally said it.
(To Jerry) Well, that ougta keep you busy for a few days, huh?
I'll tell you when you can go. Wait, wait, wait, Wait-- now, now, now. No, no, no. Go, go! No, no. Wait-- now, now! Now! Jerry! Go--ahh...
Don't blame me.
You know I never got a library card.
Hey, smell my arm... Smell it!
Yeah, I snuck a peak.
Wha-huh-wha-huh...
(Laughing) She caught you? 
Mine was better than that! Come on look. (starts to laugh again, Jerry too)
Well, move in here.
Wait, wait, wait...
Har-harwood, Jerry. He was the assistant wardrobe man on Spartacus. Some fascinating insights into the production.
There he is, yeah - Jerry, George, *this* is Stan the Caddy.
Just show me the cheque, c'mon.
Well, you're going over there. 
Awe check it out.</font>
Well, it's coughing, Jerry. It expells the diseased germs out of the body, into the air. (Makes a guesture of germs being in the air)
Because Marcelino, he taped it up on his cash register with all the other bad checks.
Elaine, Elaine, Elaine, Elaine...(distant alarm sound which is getting louder.)
Oh, come on.
So, huh?
12,000 BTU's.
Well, I got this new poster. 3-D art? Computers generate 'em.
Oh. What about?
For these German tourists. Pretend that I'm robbing you.
'Yeah! They isolate the muscles. The muscle has to grow....or die.'
So maybe I'll go down there and watch, uh? She'll be there, ,maybe.
Feel this.
Checking out the staff picks, Miss Benes?
Oh, yeah? Huh. (Turns to George) Hey, George! Pizza? Yum, yum!
I got three 'Pottery Barn' catalogs in one day. That makes eight this month.
Look at this. Boy, one minute Elliot Gould is sitting on you and the next thing - you're yesterday's trash.
(Interested) Ooohh... That sounds juicy. Listen, I gotta go to the bathroom, but I want to hear all about it. (Gets up and heads for the bathroom)
'felt that the conversation was lagging.
You want me to moon him? Ooh, let's moon him. Roll up your window. Let's do a pressed ham under glass.
It was supposed to erupt.
It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks Trying to save a quarter, ooh,
Jerry, come on let's go, pick up the check so we can go.
Why not? hey what about you George?
Why doesn't he just move in here?
Let me see.
I think he looks fantastic.
So ya know, my friend and I we were going to the movies and we stopped off and bought this cafe latte.
Come on...
Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill? (looks around Monk's) Listen, you guys haven't seen Lloyd Braun, have you? I'm supposed to meet him here.
I wanna see it.
Have you ever met my guys? 
Roger's can't sell chicken around here, we got chicken places on every block.</font>
Yeah, well, uh, Newman. He's - he's got it.
It's the only way you'll learn. (Tastes his eggs.) Aw, these eggs are disgusting. This chicken should be ashamed of himself.
You kidding? It's all water near a bridge.
Uh, hey buddy.
The *beach*!
(to baby) Koochie koochie koochie koo
Well, please?
Oh come on Jerry, its opening night, black tie, Pagliacci! The great clown, the great sad tragic clown, like you.
Yeah, but Amy likes air conditioning.
What's that?
No, no, I don't have it now. I gotta pick it up at Mr. Pitt's. Elaine was framing a bunch of stuff for him, so she did me a favor. What, you wanna take a ride?
Aw come on George, you can share it with me, huh?
(to the phone) Oh, they've got a cure for cancer. See, it's all big business. Oh hey, Jerry just walked in. Hi, George. (to the phone again) Yeah yeah yeah yeah take my number. 555-8643. Okay, here he is.
So these people can go back home and tell their friends they saw a real New York mugging. It'll give them a thrill.
Yeah. It's piquing hot. It's fresh out of the dryer. Hey Elaine you have to feel my pants.
Hey! George.....Lily..
Oh, Vincent is an art-house goon. I stick to the Gene rack.
No, no, no. You go on ahead. I'm not finished taking this in. Oh, Jerry look ... Merv Griffin's cigar.
I come in here to get a pleasant meal and if we're not gonna have one I'll grab a bite to eat at your place.
Look at this, look at this. He's giving us the finger.
You know what my feelings are about this. I don't even pay taxes.
Yeah,
Yeah.
I don't believe this.
Listen, I'm gonna get a hot dog at Payapa King.
You can move in with me, if you want.
Whoah boy. There's always one at every party, huh? 
No, I never realized what an attractive man he is.
Awright, hands up, porky!
Who's Gennice?
Yeah that's right.
Well, he's using his connections in the Mayor's office, to uh, get the theatre landmark status.
Oh yeah, you betcha.
Well Bob Sacamano he stayed with me once for a year and a half.
Well! 
Well, (rubs hands) I gotta meet Newman at the pet store. Helping him pick out a turtle.</font>
Yeah, and I rented out half that space to Newman. (Starts coughing again)
(pulling out his timepiece) Oh yes. Uh.. it's aaalmost six.
Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.
It all right if I keep these here for a while? I'm having a New Year's Eve party.
No, not giving. hoarding. I'm storing it in to a blood bank. Just in case.
Oh, no. I've been saving them up here in your apartment. And now, it's payback time. 'Pottery Barn' is in for a world of hurt.
The Dewey Decimal System, what a scam that was. Boy that Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal.
Uh, I gotta go meet Newman. All right. I'll see you later.
Okay, I beg you.
Oh, well I have many associates.
Hey.
Danke schoen, my little dumplings.
Did you ask her about me?
(shouting to the bathroom door) George, you wanna go for a ride?
You gonna share it with me next time, huh?
Take it.
That's it. Now, gimme your wallet. Got it in here, huh, fat boy!
Hey, Jerry! Listen, I need you to come downstairs, help me get my stuff outta the car.
(stunned) Whuf! This is unbelievable.
Oh. All right. You don't know what your missing. I'm loving this Jerry. I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless it's straight out of the dryer.
No. No It's Lily
(indicates 'Gene' shelf) I've seen all these, so I went with a Kramer pick.
Yeah.
I just joined the Polar Bear Club.
Are you getting the eyes? 'Cause they're brown. (beat) Or, really, they're dark brown, like rich, Columbian coffee.
No, I swear.
(to Jerry) Well at least let me audition.
Okay, so, I'm gonna measure the window up, okay buddy?
(aggressive) Is that all you got?! Hah? Is that all you got?!
Oh, uh, is this uh, Bette Midler's understudy?
Yeah.
Well, he did. You know, after that, he had a nervous breakdown? Had to spend a few months in an institution.
Yeah, Yeah...Why, is it too cold out?
Ah! 
Yea, yea.</font>
(Looks at the bags on the floor) Evidently.
Hey. Look at this. I'm in the passing lane of the Arthur Berkhardt expressway, going seventy and (makes impact sound - pckergh!) Dragged this thing for five exits.
No, Jerry. New Year's Eve nineteen ninety-nine. The millennium. I told you about that.
Jerry, I know myself. If I'm out on the street and it's starts to go down, I don't back off until it's finished.
Have a good one.
Okay, please! Please tell me!
All right, you not gonna go I?m not gonna go, I?m gonna call the whole thing off.
I'm starvin', I haven't had any dinner!
Hello, Mrs. Costanza.
Hey, how about that Toby, huh?
Giddy-up! Alright! So now, how does that work? Now, what, I get a percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?
Oh, COME ON!
Aw, all right, I'm looking forward to it.
It's for you.
Oh, no, of course you don't. You're a Man's Woman. You hate other women, and they hate you.
C'mon, George. I saw it first.
I just came from the price club. I'm loaded up, baby.
My god, you're rich.
Hey everybody. (to Jerry) Listen, uh, do me a favour, will you? I got a hot date tonight with Connie. Knock on my door, wake me up in twenty minutes, alright?
Oh yeah. It's a warm and wonderful feeling, Jerry. So what are you doing later?
Yeah, went straight to video.
Tryin' to save a quarter.
Lyndon Johnson.
She and Jerry were a big thing, like Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd.
You are never gonna believe who I just ran into today.
Yeah... All right....Ya got it, eh.
(to George) Yeah!
Yeah. (George enters the apartment wearing goggles) Yeah, rock on!
I'll tell you when it's enough! (he releases George) Alright, now you better not say anything, or I'll stalk you!
Hi, little buddy.
Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world.
Yes I did.
Yeah, but he's doing a lot better now. I've taken him under my wing.
Ah, that makes sense, that's a good call, Stan.  Alright, we'll see you guys later, huh?
(lost for words) Well you look like a Lily...
(positive) That makes me the premiere.
Well I was draughting behind a semi. I didn't wanna lose him. The infrastructure, Jerry, it's crumbling.
You're not gonna see 'em. I got a case of party poppers I'm gonna keep in front of 'em.
Done.
Hey. All right. Hi. Check it out, official police caution tape. Look at that.
Well, let's see: speeding, running a red light, no license, no registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror...yeah. (gives George a ticket)
Well, it's these people-- they go swimmin' in the winter. They're terrific, I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It's invigorating....
Okay, okay, what is it? Come on.
Me?
You're the nucleus, the straw that stirs the drink. You're the Miana!
I don't wanna get a movie hot dog! [in tears] I want a Papaya King hot dog!
Uh, no, no, not yet.
We just got back from breakfast. The pancakes were dynamite.
Ooh, she's a package full of energy!
Okay, yeah, alright, that sounds good, but I still get a tote bag though, right?
All right, I've had it with you two. (opens apartment door to leave)
Well, it's your phone. He wanted to talk to you.
So Jerry, (smacks hands and rubs palms together) What time we going to the movies?
No, I got dibs!
Course I will. These are staples.
I didn't know you made that kinda money. (subdued) Jeez.
No, no, no, no. (comes in) This is evolutionary. I been reading this book, on Leonardo de Vinci. See, that means 'from Vinci', d'you know that?
Oh yeah she's a beauty.
Movie?
(to Jerry) Man, that Emily is wearing me out.
Jerry, I don't think this thing is hooked up right. 
Uh-uh-uh. Step back, son, there's nothing to see here.
Oh yeah, they're like this (holds up two fingers together).
Your old flame. Gail Cunningham.
Yes.
Oughh!
Well, I gotta bring in more stuff. (Heads for the door)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know I just thought of something. I know this gorgeous woman, she called me up this morning, she's moving into the city, and she asked me if I know of anyone she could meet. Now you can go out with her.
Hey, listen, I gotta go somewhere.
No I wasn't able to sip it in my normal fashion.
But he still needs all of our support. Now, when he gets here treat him like he's one of the gang, huh.
About some tickets George , you know I'd kill for a peek..
Jerry, have you ever seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness?
Well, look at that. A talking Nixon.
Hey.
Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship.. ... Spinster. ... Maybe a virgin. ... Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer.
I'm fighting that one. You know, this is gonna cost me over six hundred bucks.
I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon Johnson.
Ah, George, alright. Well, what for?
Hey, Jerry! How are ya? I thought you were going to the movies.
What's this?
Well, just save me a seat.
I *love* the Drake! I'm looking forward to meeting the Drakette!
Yeah, and that something is life. Jerry, you gotta meet this gal - she's brimmin' with positivity!
A gymnast!
Well, why not?
Saddle up and ride. (opens the fridge and pulls out some food -- takes a big bite)
Lindsay olives, Jerry.
I don't think I can talk to you any more. I feel inferior.
Hello.
Yeah, well, turns out that the master slept only twenty minutes every three hours. Now, that works out to two and a half extra days, that I'm awake per week, every week. Which means, if I live to be eighty, I will have lived the equivalent of a hundred and five years.
Oh bold and beautiful.
No, no, no, I can't. I got my martial arts class.
No, no, no. It's not the sex, Jerry. (noticing Morty and Helen) Heyy! Seinfelds.
Look what I got for you, for your Florida trip. Crazy Shirts was closing 'em out. I got a dozen for a buck.
Well, I got it from my cop buddy Doug.
When do you pit the sauce on?
Want one? Yeah, I just bought it at the Flea Market.
Why, what's the difference?
Well, I was on my way to the Y, and I saw her coming towards me? I didn't know what to do! Because I remembered you had three dates with her and she wouldn't kiss you goodnight. So now I'm thinking you know, what is my duty to my friend? Do I acknowledge her? Do I you know ignore her? I mean, what is my responsibility here?
Well, I'm staining my floors, y'know, I don't want to get my hands dirty...
Yeah. (Exits)
Got to.
No I think he's got you beat buddy.
All right, I'm sitting down. How are you? (Kisses Estelle on the cheek)
Well I think I take a normal sip.
Potato man!
Euh what...What lot is that?
You know what happens with these? The rollers, they get flat spots on 'em. (hits button several times and whacks it)
That's caged heat.
It's about this woman, in a coma. Well, I couldn't finish watching it, so I want you to read this.
Saved a fortune. Look at that. Heyy.
Uh, borrow. It's for my friend. Yeah, he'll be buying.. 
You got any pliers?
Alright.
What?
Hey! Hi Elaine!
(Looking at Jerry's doodle) That's a nice triangle...
1937, 1937, 1937...
Hey. 
Hey, are you performing tomorrow?
Hey! Couch is comin.'
A gymnast, Jerry. Think of the flexibility. Mmm, that sex'll melt your face.
'You should take cold showers.'
(mumbling with full mouth) No, I'm good.
Oh, hey Lloyd, hey buddy. (gets up and shakes Lloyd's hand)
$17.50. You can't beat that.
You know, Jerry, I think this changes the relationship. I mean, I feel it. Do you feel it?
Ohh, it's Hanaran now, is it?
Oh, I got a lot of things in the hopper, buddy.
They want to know why they never see you.
I like to strain the sauce.
Well, you know... I, uh... have many relationships.
So my acting technique, my personal acting technique is working with color, imagining color, then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you'll see that all my lines have a special color, so I don't memorize language, I memorize color. This way I can go through red, yellow, green, blue. And I have a full palette of emotions.
Yeah, yeah, so she sees me and she goes, (imitates Gail) 'Oh, hi! Kramer!' You know? Like nothing happened! Like she never you know went three dates with you and refused to kiss you goodnight.
The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry [Snaps fingers]... Wood.
Hey.
Morty, are you coming in?
Oh yeah, last time I saw her she was, five years ago.
Oh, yeah, good for you. Hey, you have to look your best. You're out there now.
Well you know ahh, they don't allow outside drinks in the movie theater. So I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in.
Are you still on the pill?
Okay...yea well uh start with me.
Seventy -five bucks a month!
Hey!
(pronouncing it 'kar-ah-tay') Karate, Jerry. Karate. The lifetime pursuit of balance and harmony.
(absently wants to be part of it) Oh, yeah--yeah.. (follows them)
Can you do that for me, buddy?
Yeah.
Oh, I don't think so. No, he's an entertainer. You know, all over the place. That's where I come in. 
I'm gonna eat that later.
Huh. I mean, what do they want to go there for?
Oh, come on!
A dry-cleaning bill for what?
Well no, I don't have them on me.
Ooh, Isosceles. I love the name Isosceles. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.
Uh ya, it's right around the corner there.
Haircut. 
Great, I'm gonna bring Toby.
Alright! Yeah. You know, I'm excited about this, Jerry. In a way, I feel like I'm getting a new couch.
(shuts door) 'Bailing'?
'Well I take 'em........They give me a Whooooosh.'
There's nothing more pathetic, than a grown man, who's afraid of a woman . (voice get high-pitched for the last line)
(slaps Lloyd on the shoulder) Sit down. (sits himself)
Yeah. Star Kist, Jerry. Most tuna don't make their cut.
Well, what're you gonna do with all that money?
Oh, you don't say.
(smiling) Oh, I got a hopper. A big hopper.
Oh yeah? What about?
Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door. So you can see in.
Yeah, Tina likes the couch.
Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually, Bookman?
No, no, I got it.
Uh, did you?
Hmm.
You know what I did? I snubbed her.
Definitely.
1937.
Hi. I'm goin' through this stuff like water... (to Jerry) Who you talkin' to? (Jerry waves him away and moves towards the bedroom, still on the phone)
Jerry, you know that shoe repair place at the end of the block? Well, if they don't get some business, they're gonna have to shut down and make way for one of those gourmet coffee or cookie stores.
(to Jerry) Hey, how'd you do?
No.
So, who is your doctor?
Yeah, now is that going to be a problem?
I'll tell ya, I think birth control should be discussed in an open forum.
Oh I'm down.
Jerry, karate is not here (pointing to the ground). It's here (points to head), and here (points to chest), and here (makes a circle with his hands).
Well, I'm gonna type it up.
Hey.
Hey.
You got any shredded coconut?
Yeah, neighbor. That's right. Yeah, why don't we take this boiler out for a shakedown huh? 
Oh no, no,. no. I had to fish around in the evidence room for it. You know, they're all preoccupied, trying to hunt down this new psycho-serial killer, the Lopper. All right, I'll see ya.
Hey. Well, bad news, boys. My life is over. My girlfriend's movin' away.
Well I just got it. Spector gave it to me , he's giving everything away...becoming a minimalist.
You know, why didn't they ask me to go?
What, what, I thought you went to the movies!
Oh, come on George! I didn't do that on purpose!
My friends got 'em, I?m going to pick them up tomorrow.
Good question.
Oh! God, It's a Pig man! A pig man!
I'm very happy with this.
Oh, she's a great laugher - right, Elaine?
Hey Jerry. Rub some lotion on my back.
Ooh! Remember Poppie?
Jerry, you should pay that price.
That's for me. (to the phone) Kramerica Industries. Oh, hi, Mark. No no no. Forget that. I got a better idea. A pizza place where you make your own pie...
Hey, Clyde!
(pleased) Really?
(impressed) Ohh, you're good. You are really good.
What'd you get for it?
What, we talking hirachis? I know a great store for hirachis.
Why are we slowing down?
That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named, Cone.
Well, I was just--
Hello boys, (in an Irish accent) top of the morning to ya. What do you say?
I walked right by her - bffffft - never said a word.
Yeah, yeah, whenever you're ready.
hey 
Oooo, ooooo. You know, I dig Asian women.
Yeah!
Hey, I know what we can do. I've got a friend who works over at the police station. He's a composite artist.
'So, you're heading home?'
(whistles). He's good. He's *very* good. He worked on this kid from Guatemala with no nose. Turned him into Ricardo Montalban.
It's definitely preposterous.
But wasn't that taken off the market?
It's a method, Jerry. It's intense. (Clicks his tongue)
What, she's been away?
Yeah, but, Jackie Chiles, he put a restraining order on me. (frustrated) I'm not allowed within two hundred feet of his office. I couldn't even give him his Christmas present.
Elaine, all right, who looks better in this shirt? Me or Mickey?
Hi.
Yeah, yeah, right. (walks out)
Hey.
Kruger? That's not Kruger Industrial Smoothing, is it?
Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.
Oh, it's no big deal. It's just some guy who's been running around Riverside park-pffff. You know, cutting people's heads off.
Jerry, where have you been?
If you like her, go talk to her.
What, they don't like me?
Now how was I supposed to know it was going to be sold out?
Well, neither should I! Jerry's the one who left the milk in the refrigerator.
Oh yeah!
Hey, hey, it's George. 
Oh course. I wouldn't let that other butcher cut my hair. 
You know why Rifkin was a serial killer? Because he was adopted. (saying it as he's taking a lot of paper towels from Jerry's roll; Elaine and Jerry are confused at Kramer's statement) Just like Son of Sam was adopted. So apparently adoption leads to serial killing. (Kramer leaves and we don't know why he needed so much paper towels) 
Come on, I'll rub some on yours.
Yeah, yeah. Anyway, uh...we're going into business together. Remember that idea I had a few years ago about the pizza place where you make your own pizza?
Ch- oo-... what?
Yeah, of course you do. And do you know why? Because you're a bunch of yuppies. It's your go-go corporate takeover lifestyles that are driving out these Mom and Pop stores and destroying the fabric of this neighborhood.
(ignoring Jerry) No no no. I'm talking about a whole chain of 'em. Yeah.
Hey, Harold, what do you think?
What?! Wait a minute. No, no, no. What are you doing? No, no, oh, oh, okay. He's out. I get it.
Yeah. Ahh. Hey, this is Jerry here.
Well, you should, Jerry.
Oh, hey, new racquet, huh?
No, no. Cinqo de Mayo. (leaving) Yeah, Marcellino, he turned me on to it, and he's one sixty-fourth Mayan.
(to George) You , you know what you should've done is watching that report on CNN last night.
Hello?
I'll pick her up.
Alright, we'll talk about this a little later. Are you an actor?
So, what are you guys doin' this weekend?
Right by her!
Yep.
Yeah, the chip-in, defenitely!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables! Get it? 
hey guy, can I use your phone in your bedroom? 
All right, let's go. Who's driving? (claps his hands and rubs them together)
Is that the waitress from the comedy club?
No, I think these Jockeys shrunk.
Whoa, you're dating this woman?
 Where can I put this?
I'm completely changing the configuration of the apartment. You're not gonna believe it when you see it. A whole new lifestyle.
Hey. New jacket?
Yeah, yeah, maybe I can get him to draw a picture of her for you.
'Ah! what.. Tim Whatley?
Tuesday? Uh...
Well ahh. I was trying to get to my seat and I had to step over someone and I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me.
That's gunna be trouble.
I read it in Wall Street Week ...Louis, uh, Rukeyser.
Yeah well, he's doing fine, George.
No, I really think you're wrong. We just went to the fireworks the other day.
Hey, Kurt. Taste these eggs.
Well he's in the shower. You want me to get him?
(Laughing) What is that, a new bit?
Grinders, sanders, wet stones. They are the ones who botched the Statue of Liberty job.
Our policy is, we're comfortable with our bodies. You know, if someone wants to help themselves to an eyefull, well, we say, 'Enjoy the show.'
Well, you know, the police, they've been having some internal dissension about the name.
Downtown.
She's fat.
If they like me, why don't they ask me to go? Oh yeah.
What point?
The uncle Enzo. That's the guy Jerry uses. 
I'll go. 
Hey, Bogambo - they've been in the neighborhood for 48 years. Now, come on, Jerry. You've gotta have a pair of shoes in need of a cobblin.'
Now, you see, that's nice.
Hey buddy.
Hey, you got to get this thing fixed. 
Okay, look, uh, when you're in Florida, can my cigar guy drop off some Cubans for me at your parents' house?
Tell me about it. We just picked up two women at the Gap.
You can't call China now its like, what, three 'O clock in the morning there
Kramer.
Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.
I didn't know.
Because I'm going to be playing golf at the Westchester country club. Mmh.
Yeah. Well, you know, she was lucky I was in a good mood - coulda been a lot worse.
No, no! My car's not running.
You know what you ought to do? Go see my friend Dwayne at J & T Optical on Columbus Avenue. He'll give you thirty percent off.
huh.. my batteries are dead 
Uh huh.
Oh.
No, no, n--Well, you know, I wore 'em for about a month but I couldn't stick with it. No, I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. (he's serious. Then he makes a hand gesture of grabbing up) My boys need a house!
It's a pizza place where you make your own pie! We give you the dough, the sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap it, you flip it up into the air...you put your toppings on and you slide it into the oven! Sounds good, huh?
George, you're becoming one of the gliterratti
 It's Risk, Jerry.  The game of world conquest. (brushing newspapers off the table with his foot and setting the game board down)  Alright, that's perfect.
Levels.
It's beautiful.
Yeah, yeah. I think he will.
'Oh yeah.! I got a check up on Thursday.'
(not understanding him) Hey, thanks.
Yeah.
Jerry, don't you see? This world here, this is George's sanctuary. If Susan comes into contact with this world, his world's collide. You know what happens then?
Do over ' start with him.
You know, Clyde, he plays backup with John Germaine.
(sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good.
Yeah, and I'm playing a business man accused of murder.
Yes! These are sweatshop eggs.
(picking up Jerry's old racquet) Well, you're not gonna need this any more.
Yeah, I'm gonna keep these here too, huh? They'll be alright. (begins to leave)
Well let's sit down.
Uh, Headso...uh...The Denogginizer...Son of dad.
Yeah. I don't know if I can handle one of these long-distance relationships.
Just give me another chance!
Hey, you got any Double Crunch?
Yeah! Ooh! (leaves again) 
Well, what about sneakers? You know, they'll clean 'em. They do complete detailing.
Yeah, I know, but I can't drive anybody anywhere until I go down to the motor vehicle bureau and get my new plates.
Ka shha shha shha Pkooo (exploding sound)
(smiles) Cadillac. Ooh-la-la.
You get the tickets?
Would you like a refund? 
Aw, c'mon man. Help a brother out.
I'll do it.
You now what you do? You sneak that photo out of there for couple of days and get it air brushed.
Mmm... Nice wallet.
All right. I'm gonna check it out. Aiee. mucho trafico.
I thought it was here.
Listen, there's a pair of gloves in the glove compartment.
I've gotta go to court, I'll get in trouble. What's the matter with you?
Ah, well, just tell her that it's Kramer.
Yeah.
Oh, that's right buddy. It's private. It's very private. But I met the pro at the golf shop up on 49th St. -- I gave him one of these Cubans and he invites me up to play a free round ... then he says anytime I lay one of these babies on him it's going to be the same deal. Ha ha. Idn't that beautiful.
He's spaced out.
Yeah, I'm going to poke around...
Uhh.. no thanks. (Goes back out the door)
You can get a good one today. It's Enzo's day off. Gino's there all by himself. 
look come on, let me use it, 5 minutes, I'll pay you back huh? 
She's got a kid?
Sperm count? Well how many ssssperm should I have?
Ya' know, people who glitter. She's a slim gal.
Yeah, I'm getting rid of all my furniture. All of it. And I'm going to build these different levels, with steps, and it'll all be carpeted with a lot of pillows. You know, like ancient Egypt.
That's definitely you.
Hey Jerry, you want this, cause I'm going to give it to a homeless person.
I'm Cosmo.
'You know.. You really shouldn't brush 24 hours before seeing the dentist.'
No. They put the top on.
Did I tell you I'm getting a new telephone number?
All right, you can have it. (Kramer tosses the statue to George.)
Yes, yes. We shall all try a piece and tell you how delicious it is. (he takes pieces for himself and Jerry)
Oh yeah, I got a big appetite.
(Fixing up his pants) Yeah.. look at this, Mickey. These pants are fallin' apart, huh?
(explaining) Oh yeah, I put all your zees on the weights and measures page.
(at the door) Well, those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons.
Vaguely.
Yeah. That was my suggestion. It's sort of a catchall.
I don't know.
Sorry, I can't watch the dog tonight.
I'm asking you!
Alright I'll uh, I'll call her at home. (To man waiting behind him) Go ahead, it's all yours.
Hey. Buddy, it's all happening!
Well, I happened to be eating at Poppie's when I told him the 'old' idea, and his eyes - waaaaaah! - just lit up. You know, he wants to back it.
Yeah-yah.
Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates. My name is Kramer. Cosmo Kramer.
Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.
You're gonna score some big points with the man upstairs on this one.
(tossing car keys to Jerry) Yeah.
Death Blow: When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but for different reasons altogether. (Jerry buzzes up George) Jerry, do you think you can get an extra ticket for my friend Brody?
Would you be interested? 
Yeah, that def jam is a force.
Yeahh. I owe you one.
Yeah, I love going to the country.
You remember that photo of me and Gerald Ford and I took it in. Got that Ford right out of there.
Oh! Jeez! Well, you've got a maid. It's a whole different world downtown-- different Gap, different Tower Records, and she's a 646.
Yeah...uhh...well, the streets are all blocked. I think every Puerto Rican in the world is out here.
Yeah. Listen, could you mail those to me? Or bring them by my building, it's 129 West 81st St.
Yeah!
Man, I'm going to be hitting the links all weekend.  Ffoooo (Taking an imaginary swing, he makes the sound of a golf ball being hit)
Now what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.
[thinks for a while]
So what's up, Diggity Dog?
Retail is for suckers.
Alright, we'll take the subway. 
oh... (goes to the bedroom) 
(singing) Johnny Yuma was a rebel, Yeah! ...
Hey!
Maybe she's bulimic
 The board, Jerry.  We've been playing at Newman's for six hours but he's gotta go.
No no. It's all in my head.
That's more you than you've ever been. Hey, what is with the pink lining?
Here you go brother. Some food for you.
(little dance) One-two, cha-cha-cha.
'Oh no, you got to eat before surgery, you need your strength.'
Alarm clocks? I never use 'em. Don't trust 'em.
Whew, chicks man. Too many chicks know my number.
Okay, I'm gonna take the suit, and the shoes, and the hat.
(Looking over Mickey's shoulder at the script) Yeah, well, I was a different man then.
You put my life's stories in his autobiography?
Nobody carries wallets anymore. I mean, they went out with powdered wigs. Yeah, see here's what you need. Just a couple of cards and your bankroll. See, keep the big bills on the outside.
Blue-one. I thought it was blue-one.
Give me it..( tries to pull them off George's head)
Well it was an accident. Right Jerry it was an accident. Ah, she's going to be all right. .. baby, baby, ah, baby.
You're joking.
Oh, uh, Helena, how are you?
What bachelor auction? 
Are you all right?
Hey! Elaine. Go Like this. (imitating a mannequin posture) 
No. (George leaves for the tomatoes)
The coffee table book. It's a go-oo!
Well you know, these sneakers, they belong to my neighbor, Jerry Seinfeld? The comedian.
All righty...
You know, maybe in Korean 'dog' isn't an insult. Could be like the word 'fox' to us. Oh, she's a DOG!
Ah No no, I haven't.
Hey, how 'bout giving me a hand? You know, bring some of this stuff upstairs.
(examining a yellow squeeze bottle) What, this yellow stuff? No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon.
You shoulda come, Jerry.
Yeah, I know, but he's a big fan of the genre. You know I'd consider it a personal favor to me.
Would you? 
Hey.
Look at this. This sandwich is terrible. Everywhere you go, they give you this misshaped shardy meat. Look at this...
Whoo. Wrong car. Sorry.
I can't, I gotta get this Ellen out of my life.
yeah
Thanks a lot, uh here's Jerry.
Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend.
The little man knows all.
Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I didn't try to warn you.
You just gotta mention my name.
That was in the past, Jerry. As it happens, New York Magazine just judged his kitchen to be one of the cleanest in the city. They got a duck there, you think you died and went to heaven.
Bulimic,
Oh, I'll be comfortable.
Oh... So, what did you pay for this?
Now are you going to be here in an hour?
I have a uh...mental alarm. I set my head for... quarter to seven and... (makes sound with the lips - 'pop!') ...I get up!
Hey, I look like Joe Friday in Dragnet.
Ah, 's no good.
(Slightly offended) Hey, I got the body of a.. taught, pre-teen, Swedish boy.
Y'know you've given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale thing, that could be the next wave.
Oh no. Sure. It matters. Wow. I've broken through, huh. I'm part of popular culture now. Listen I've got to thank Mr. Peterman.
Yeah, this is better. So, you got any shredded coconut?
I haven't had a decent sandwich in 13 years.
You went to the coffee shop without me? I told ya, I just wanted to hop in the shower.
I'm on the Mexican, whoa ohh, radio...
So my mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house so, you know, she gives it to me. Well, two years later he shows up and he takes it back. And now he's in prison. He got arrested for mail fraud. So Elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell the landlord that you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison.
It's not going to happen again!
Well, that's only uh, 58 years.
Yo-yo Ma!
Why? What wa?
Oh, like you're gonna stop? 
(Enters with a box) Alright, that's it. Anything else?
Hey, I just saw a pig man! A pig man! Ya know he was sleeping and then he woke up and he looked up at me an-and he made this horrible sound, this (Quells like a pig).
And you didn't ask me to do it? I could raise enough money to cure polio. 
Unh.... Sorry.
Do it. Do it. This. 
What's doing?
You know what this means? I'm starting the book tour. First stop : Regis and Kathy Lee.
Jerry. Did ya ever have your sperm count checked?
Well, he's got a Peter Pan complex.
 We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper with it.
How much?
(signs it) Okay. (The clerk hands him a manila envelope). Thanks. (opens up the envelope) Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to me. I'm not the Assman. I think there's been a mistake.
So ah, what do you think Mr. Chiles.
Oh, yeah.
No. That's bush league.
Uh, listen, do you want me to stay here until George gets up?
Yeah, yeah. 
Hey Jerry, you got any pepper?
Listen. Heads up, Elaine. I'm gonna have to stop by later and pick up a fax.
Oh ho ho ho yeah, the sooner the better. I can't wait to do it. You know how there's some people you worry about whether you're going to hurt their feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to get it on video, watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it. Oh ho, yeah.
George, you gonna buy a painting?
Well I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine. And you know I'm somebody you don't want to have on your bad side.
Have we been intimate?
You've got a message buddy.
Oh, Jerry, I'm *surprised* at you!
That's it. (smacks George on the forehead with a ruler)
Yeah, but you gotta order it two days in advance. (To Jerry) You know, I'm gonna call him, I'm gonna order the duck for you.
(convulses in pain) Yeow! Whoa.
Exactly
Ohh... should be done by the end of the month.
Oh that's good, that's good. Make the eyes, uh, what's that nut?
Oh, hey!
It never fails. See, it's based on your body clock. See, your body has an internal mechanism. It knows what time it is.
Price club.
Now, what are you thinkin'? (Getting upset) You think that I'm not able to wear jeans anymore? Is that what you're sayin'? Because if that's what you're sayin', Jerry, I'll go and I'll buy some jeans. (Jerry shrugs. Kramer raises his voice to a menacing tone) I swear to God I will! (Jerry's showing off a skeptical face.
(Coughs) Hey. How's everybody? (Moves to the kitchen)
Alright, so there I am at Lorenzo's - loading up my slice of the fixin's bar.. garlic, (imitates the shaking of garlic onto a pizza) and what-not.. mmm, mmm.. and I see this guy over at the pizza boxes giving me the stink-eye. (Imitates the 'stink-eye') So I give hime the crook-eye back, (Imitates the 'crook-eye') you know.. Then, I notice that he's not alone! I'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys!
Waldenbooks? That's a major chain huh.
Hey, our meat problems are solved.
Showering. How long does it take you?
Hey, Silvio. Yeah, I'm reversing my peephole.
All right Come on....again attempts to pull headphones off)
No no, he's never met her. She's in California.
O.K., fine, go ahead, you take the keys! But you're going to regret this. (He angrily storms out. Kramer then re-enters seconds later when he realizes he's left his girlfriend in Jerry's apartment.)
Yeah, right, right, yeah, yeah, that was a Shemp, right?
What about him?
Well, what, they got any golf courses up there?
You want a picture like that on a Christmas card? I can do that for you. ...
Oh, I gotta go move the car. Alright (Leaves)
I'm talking about the pig man. I went into the wrong room and there he was.
Polio? 
Yeah. Oh, here, wait wait (walks a few steps to catch up to her as she stops) Ah, maybe you could ah, use this (he searches through his jacket) Ah, here, it's a electronic organizer...
Oh yeah! It's you! 
Same old, same old.
Oh, you better believe it!
You ever get a woman pregnant?
Oh, well, no rush. (wipes his nose) Uh oh.
 Yes, yes.  You're like Switzerland.
What, you're not gonna tell me?
Cosmo Kramer.
What?
Jackie. I mean, we have a chance?
No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without Dijon.
There's no problem, really.
Well, I'm a poppa.
He Jerry, I'm going to waldenbooks.
Hey Jerry, you got any Tums?
D-d-d-d. I gotta switch shaving creams. I'm getting no protection.
(throwing his catalogs in the Pottery Barn store) Hey, you like sending out catalogs!? How do you like gettin' 'em back!?
No. At your apartment.
Woah, you didn't like her?
It looks familiar. I remember the elevator.
Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems. (notices some snacks on the table) Oh, is this for the fight?
Alright, how often do we do it?
Hey.
Oo yiggity diggigg
It's a *con*. These agencies are usually a front for some money laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out of their life savings, oh *yeah*.
(low tone)Yeahhehehehe
(exiting apartment) Yeah, yeah, yeah...
There you go monkey boy.
(to the intercom) Come on up.
It's a simple job. Why, you don't think I can?
Almond. Yeah. Make the lips fuller. Poutier.
Elaine, listen, I was talking to a friend about this dog business. Do you realize this is gonna be on our permanent records? Are you aware of this?
Lomez, he sold me his hot tub.
Jerry, Jerry. Lloyd says it's no problem. He's capable of locating the gum.
Ah, the steering wheel fell off. I don't know where it is.
Books. (Knocks over a bowl of fruit on the counter.)
Ehh.. (Picks up a carton of food) No expiration date on this.. (Opens it, then starts coughing directly onto the food)
Oh yeah, and they're just as mean as he was! So, I make a move to the door, you know, (makes a noise) they block it! So, I lunged for the bathroom. (demonstrates) I grab the knob - Occupado! Then they back me up agains the cartoon map of Italy, and all of the sudden, they just stop.
I traded it to my sausage press. Look how thin that is, see that's all surface area. The taste has nowhere to hide.
(seeing Elaine come into Jerry's apartment) Ten minutes? That's kooky talk. Hey Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower?
Well, who says I can do any of the things I do in my place?
Yeah. (inhales some pepper then sneezes violently) See? It should sound like that, something like that.
Oh, yeah yeah, I have to. I'm your fianc&eacute;, Peter Von Nostrand.
Uh huh, right.
I can't work with these!
Yeah, we ought to all get a house and live together.
A pig-man. Half pig, half man!
Ah, Yeah. uh...
(to the gang) There's a clothing store downtown. They got a mannequin in there that looks exactly like Elaine. 
Oh hey, Helen uh, Could I uh, use some more of your hand lotion?
No, no, no.
What would you say if I told you I never impregnated a woman?
Oh, I keep getting these nosebleeds.
 Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in a epic struggle for world domination.  It's winner take all.  People cannot be trusted.
Over three hundred?
No! I'm not the Assman.
Really?
Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy with our arrangement?
What're you doing. (fetching the bottle from the trash) Don't throw that away.
(handing Jerry a cigar) Well, as of today I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway.
Well, you too seem to have the same taste.
All right, let's go.
I drank too much water in the shower.
Whatever you get.
(Holding camera) Get in a little closer. I can't see the screen door. (Takes picture) Perfect.
All right, gentlemen, I scouted it out. I think we can get out over there.
Ooh tattle tale
Oh hey, you know I invited Mike Moffit. You don't mind, do you?
Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.
No, no, I'll take your picture. I'll take care of everything.
The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth.
What are you all dressed up for? 
Like a history of coffee tables, celebrities and their coffee tables. It's a natural. This is a story that must be told. 
(low tone) All right, yeah.
Taste this.
Well, I got the tools. I got the pillows. All I need is the lumber.
It can never be erased. It'll follow us wherever we go for the rest of our lives. I'll never be able to get a job. I mean, doesn't that concern you? Everything I've worked for...down the drain because of one stupid mistake. I mean, aren't we entitled to make one mistake in our lives, Jerry?
Yeah yeah, it's in my living room. I just gotta fill it. (points to bucket)
Mmm, delicious. This is delicious. Mmm.
Yowza yowza. Check it out.
(Shrugging it off) Nah, no, no, no. No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line.. (Looks at Jerry, then leans in so Elaine can't hear) Plus, the botched my vasectimy.
Because I'm still holding the garlic shaker.. Yeah.. like this (grabs Jerry's peper shaker, and demonstrates) I'm only showing eight fingers.
Hey, spice. (gives Elaine a piece of meat.) Welcome to flavor country.
Let me smell you.
Well, I... uh, nothing. No, I'll, um, I'll switch it back.
Hey. It happened again. (puts box on counter) Another robbery in the building.
A little wetter. See, I didn't believe it.
Well, now what are we gonna do? (to Jerry) See? This is why you should get a fax and a Xerox.
How come you never said anything?
C'mon it's my turn.
Right.
(Complaining) No more golf.
Steady, steady, now calm yourself, come on, now get a hold of yourself,
Well, you bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no *fine touch*...
Yeah, here it is... yeah.
It's uncanny! It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, and screwed you back all together again, and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite. 
(putting on the lotion) Ya
I'm gonna go see if there are any girls on the beach. Elaine, you wanna come?
Well, coffee tables.
A LOT of 'em! (wild gesture, freaked out) Do you think maybe I'm... Depleted??!!
Yeah. (Lies on the couch and cracks the back of his head against the armrest.) Hey, what's with your ceiling? (Mom and Pop look up.)
 Oh, I'm looking right at you, big daddy.
It's over four hundred?
So, then you asked yourselves, 'Isn't there something more to life?'
Oh, uh, well - okay.
Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine.
You don't pay five cents, you get five cents back. Here, read the label here. (reads from bottle) Vermont, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York. Refund, (brings bottle up close to Newman's eyes) vrrup, five cents.
Yeah, I'm part of the solution now Jerry. Yeah, I went down there and I checked it out this morning. Here, take a look. Mile one-fourteen.
Well I have the same shirt.
Don't tell me she's dragging another poor guy across Europe.
hey! you got some messages.. Yeahumm.. .George, George, Elaine, George again, Elaine, Newman; but that was a crank call. and some Sally woman called said 'Thanks a lot, she's quitting the business, you ruined her life.
(chuckles)
Dark blue.
Yeah, I just got off the phone with him, you know we had a great conversation.
(suggestive) Oooh, baby. (smiles)
Uh huh.
All right, ... now, you come on over. I'll have my cereal and I'll take your picture.
I'm in here. C'mon...
Yeah. How'd it go? 
So, you're gonna talk to your boss about it, huh? 
You know, for phone numbers, addresses, keep appointments, everything.
No, taste it. Taste it.
Is it over four hundred?
Yes!
Oh, it's a beauty! It's got these high-volume aqua-sage jets oscillating and pulsating, soothing your every aching muscle. The water's gonna get over 120 degrees! (happy)
I expect you both to be there.
(Complaining) I'm even more potent now!
That's their secret sign! See, Van Buren, he was teh eighth President.. (Holds up 8 fingers) They thought I was a former Van B. Boy!
Oh, the Tony's. I'll see you there buddy.
(after delicately sniffing Elaine) Uh... that's not bad at all.
Well, that's good. Because, uh, Newman and I--
No, it's a strongbox to protect my irreplaceables.
Yeah, we're going down to Mt. Sinai Hospital, See they hire actors to help the students practice diagnosing.
I tell you.
What did this guy do? What happened?
Uh huh.
Well, you remember I told you about the pro, you know, at the Westchester Country Club, who's letting me play a round every time I give him a couple of those Cuban cigars?
OK Quiet! Quiet! Now let me think!
No, no, these are too thick.  (removes the gloves/tosses them on the kitchen counter)
Why don't you take a handicap spot...
Rinitze. (he takes Jerry's spatula and starts rubbing his back with it) Oh yeah... 
Mmm (smelling the lotion as he rubs it in) I'm gonna remember that if I'm ever in Florida.
You know who you are? Even Steven
Yeah but what if I am? I'm the last... male Kramer! We're facing extinction!
Well, you got wires sticking out every which way. That looks dangerous, you should call the electrician.
 Alright, so you're gonna look after it?
Well, this time, this time you're wrong. C'mon. I'll even bet you.
All right George, come on, take a look.
Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something. There isn't.
Leapin' Larry! Yeah, that's where I bought this.
Oh, hey.
What?
Yes.
Aw, I'm beaming Jerry.
Oh, the face-painting auto mechanic. So she's dating him again, huh?
It might be time to just let her go, Frank. She's worked hard for ya.
My service rates went up? You banks are all the same with your hidden fees and your service charges. Well, maybe I'll just take my blood elsewhere, yeah.
Well that's not how she remembers it.
(enters) Well.
You just blew my mind.
You know, you should make yourself throw up.
Where's the volume..(finds it) A, YAI..YA...YA..YA!!!!
Oh, I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night. Yeah, I'm going back there tonight, you know, I'm not gonna pay another cover charge.
Well actually we talked about you. Yeah. He had some pretty interesting things to say.
I know what I'm gonna say.
Oooh, is that 'Home Alone'?
A bris? You mean circumcision?
(claps hands) Yes indeed. 
Ooooh I like Ring Dings.
It's got an alarm that beeps!
Ya, Mickey. He hooked me up. We're stand-ins for the actors on 'All My Children.' Mickey, he's a stand-in for an eight year old kid and I stand in for the kids father.
You've never had cantaloupe like this before...
Woah, Nelson!
Oh...it's tolerable...! (happy)
What's in the deep end?
I'm in trouble, buddy. I just met a woman.
Well neither am I.
Hey. Well. (proffers the envelope) This was downstairs for you. Ker-ching.
Roger that.
(backing off) OK.
No, no, no, I didn't. 
Well, yeah.
Some taxidermy that's been in my family for generations, my Tony, my... military discharge.
(Taking his offer seriously) No, we've already eaten.
Oh come on, You can tell me.
Right.
(Angered) Yeah, well, I lost them all in the fire! (Leaning over the couch, he addresses George) Hey, George, maybe you can ask Susan's father for more, huh?
The cops? What are you calling the cops for? They?re not going to do anything!
(Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this. (Clicks his tongue) 
Well--
(to the phone) Hold on a second I got another call. Hello? Yeah, he'll call you back. (Jerry and George look at each other)
It's this itch. I was watching TV without my shirt on, and one my couch cushions didn't have any fabric on it. 
Ya
Yeah, but then I'd have to... (glances at Elaine) well, you know... into a cup in the middle of the day??
Yeah well, you should. This place could blow any minute.
 Stay strong buddy.
Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, JERRY:? Marriage? Family?
Well, it's an emergency band scanner, it picks up everything: Fires, harbor patrol, even the police. I'm watching the watchers, Jerry. Uh oh, we got a big fire on 115th. I tell ya if could do it over again, I'd give it all up to be a fireman.
Well, don't press the panic button. I'm sure that we can still salvage some sauce..
They try to push you into using their cleaning crew, with all their so-called maintenance equipment.
Oh. (Waiter approaches table)
Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. (whistles) That guy's coming home in a body bag.
Oh yeah, I'll take good care of her. (Rips out the screen door)  
Oh, no no no...no more banks. I'm keeping my blood in my freezer with...my money!
I thought you said she stinks
Well, grab a cigar, boys. Yeah. It's time to celebrate.
Well the better ones. Alright, let's practice retching.
You know you're going to.
Didn't we come in over there?
Yeah, I washed, just not the hand. You wouldn't believe the women at this club. Ohh, man.
You have to know everything, don't you?
No, no. I don't wanna say it out loud. Kills the spontaneity. You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed. (indicates phone) 'Kay, go 'head, do it.
I don't know about that outfit though.
I would advise against that.
So, there were a lot of people there, huh?
Oh, Queensboro Plaza. (reties his shoelaces) This stop is famous for its gyros, you want one? 
HEY YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON! (shouting out the window)
Yeah.
Yo yo ma.
...Jerry. This is great cantaloupe.
A big dinner with dessert. But I've got till the end of the month.
What are you gonna do with the leather one?
Oh, I think it's a little cooler than that... (smiles and leaves)
Well, she's Jerry's girlfriend.
You want a drink? I'm buyin'.
I'm not, I'm running it.
Hey buddy. Remember me?
Well, all over the place. Yeah, I'm a seat filler. They don't like to see empty seats on TV so when somebody gets up I just park my kaboos on their spot until they get back.
(Up to something) Well, it's a test drive, right? I never drive around here. If I'm gonna recommend this car, I need to see that it'll handle my daily routine. 
Y- B-briefly. Now, I gotta find a good place to hide this key. Because if somebody finds this, they hold the key to all my possessions. (makes a clicking sound)
Jerry, check this out. (Pointing at some papers on the table) Remember my idea about rickshaws in New Youk? Well, we're gonna make it happen!
What tonight?
(immediately) Yeah.
Uh, Kramer. (Jerry opens the door, Kramer enters. Elaine waves at Kramer with the keys in her hand.) Oh, hi...uh...you got the...
Really.
Why? What's one thing got to do with another?
Yiddigtkk ka kibosh.
Yeah. 
Well, Newman and I are going partners selling used records.
That's NBC.
Real Boss! 
(to Mickey) I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
Well uh that doesn't surprise me, ya i bought these at Rudy's. It's a used clothing store. See when people like you die, the widows they bring in their wardrobes, they make a bundle.
Did you offer those guys a drink?
Whoa. What are you all dressed up for?
Watch it good.
They're prisons. Man made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning. She's there. You go to sleep at night. She's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?
When I was a kid, all I ever dreamed of was steering the back of that big hook and ladder.
(Taking some of Jerry's clothing over to the kitchen) I see..
Oh, you didn't hear? Jerry's a big star in Japan.
Yeah, well that's why I'm doing it all myself. This parenting isn't about delegating responsibility, it's about being there.
Uh, you remember my coffee table book?
Hey, Jerry. You know who the grand marshal is of this thing? None other than Miss Chita Rivera.
Y'know I never figured you for a squealer.
Well, you're as pretty as any of them, you just need a nose job.
Why is that? Why do you have to know everything?
Jeez!
(playing with his hair) Talk to him.
Well, we'll have to improvise.
Hey, how's it goin'?
Oh, come on, they don't drive!
Ya well, so was uh sacrificing virgins to appease the gods, but we don't do that anymore.
Yeah.
Well, they got a stand right out on the platform. Gyros are cooked, and wrapped, and ready to go. (he pulls money from his pocket) Three dollars, no change. You want one? 
That Gendason, what a jerk. I'm never playing golf with him again.
Uh, Jer, well you know, I was cookin' and I, I uh, I came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, 'cause I was gonna bring the spatula right back!
Uh-huh. It's good?
No no no. End of the month.
Well, are you gonna wear it?
Hey, how you doin'?
She works in a book shop. Her name is Pam.
Well Lomez, he usually runs it but he's in the Everglades.
Yeah, I'm just here to do my part. What's your name darling?
Mickey, Mickey he hooked me up. He's a member of the academy.
Hello!
Just a little place I like to call, 'You'll see'. 
(offended) 'Literally'? What's THAT supposed to mean? (then to Jerry, before Elaine can answer) You mind if I hide this somewhere?
Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office..
About two hours.
No, no, no, it's o.k. I don't care about the keys. It's my fault. I gave the keys away with my stupidity. I broke 'the covenant of the keys.'
Really?
...And you're the manager of the circus.
Well, I can't go back to the public courses, now. I can't! I won't. I mean, you know what that's like? It's crowded, the grass has big brown patches in it, they don't rake the sand traps! Not to mention the caliber of people you have to play with!
Call him and tell him
Yeah, so we thought if you had any of those big, y'know, old-fashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around--
I'm in the middle of a conversation here.
(low tone) All right.
No no no. I got all my appointments up here. (he points to his head)
(to Mickey) What about lifts?
Ya if they're vintage, and you're a widow.
What kind of a person are you?
Good idea.
Hey. (to Elaine) Oh, I just saw your old boyfriend on TV.
Hey, man. Enjoy the food?
Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you're eating.
No no no, they're talking the West Side Highway, at this time of day that's insane. They're heading straight into gridlock. Oh, those fools.
Well, why don't you do your material?
Yeah, the Super Terrific Happy Hour.
Quality time.
I'm the real Peterman.
(entering Jerry's apartment) Will you look at this? More catalogs! 'Omaha Steaks', 'Mac Warehouse', 'Newsweek'?! I can't stop all these companies, so, I'm gonna attack this problem at the choke point.
Aahh...Who's Janet?
That's the one. A big Hollywood so-and-so optioned it for a movie.
What? What?
He only works three hours a day. He makes a fortune. Course he's been doing that for years, right Jerry?
Beg me.
Oh, well, yeah, it's good.
Y'know, we'd take them off your hands, free of charge.
Have you ever seen a handicapped person pull into a space and park?
Yeah, well, I told you to go in on it.
Alright, but no bites. 
Steve Gendason.
Elaine?
(guiltily) The door.
Good, huh?
You're not going to wear this.
Name's Kramer.
That's Michigan. In Michigan you get ten cents.
I can't even speak in front of her. (Sits down on the couch.)
Oh yeah yeah yeah. Orthodox, Jerry. Old school.
I live for Merlot.
Well, he didn't say (leaves).
You know, that happened to Lomez, so he blew his neighbor's circuit.
(stuttering gibberish, gestures that they should leave) A little... privacy, uh?
Mickey, DTs.
Well I don't remember that part.
Come on, this is a great idea. Look at the characters. You've got all these freaks on the show. A woman with a moustache? I mean, who wouldn't tune in to see a women with a moustache? You've for the tallest man in the world; a guy who's just a head.
(Opening the door) Where? They're Cubans. (Leaves)
Right.... Don't mention my name
(to the phone) Look, I'll call you back. (hangs up)
I don't know.
Well, the bank, I opened up a new account.
Well I suppose the children do.
We're gonna be right there.
Yeah. I really liked those glasses he was wearing. Where'd he get those.
Oh, listen, I'll take that Tupperware now.
Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it's dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner?
(Looking up, sighs) Well, you better get to work.
Relax man. There's enough juice here to keep us all fat and giggley.
That's... even better!
Well, here's my shower routine. Maybe I can make some changes. Get wash cloth mittens and maybe some liquid soap, and just... -pop- focus!
You know what woman I always thought you looked like; Leena Horne.
You remember that photo book on toy ray guns?
What? What do you mean? I just said she needs a nose job.
No no no, I want you to beg me. And I don't want you to say it, I just want you to put some beg into it. Go on.
I don't want the keys back! No, I'm glad the way things turned out. I was clingin' to those keys, man! Like a branch on the banks of a raging river. And now I have let go. And I'm free...to go with the current. To float. (To Jerry) And I thank you.
(listens) Uh, yes. Uh uh, Doctor uh, Reston, is he in? Well, this is Kramer and uh, he's expecting my call.
Well they don't. If they could drive, they wouldn't be handicapped.
Well, I tasted it at the one downtown. It's got a remarkable texture. You'd never know it was non-fat.
(leaving too, with the spatula) Are you gonna need this? 
Yeah. (enters, points at package) Yah, huh?
Hey look, if you're going there, maybe you could pick me up some of this super hydrating, it's a total-protection moisturizer with Uva.
Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula right back.
I got it at Joe's.
Well, yeah. Okay. I'll take it. I like the jacket.
Oh I'm happy right here. Isn't this place amazing? Planes flying in from all corners of the world, and they know the minute they're arriving.
Yeah.
She has delicate beauty.
Yeah, Frank Costanza, he's getting me a room at his lodge. So Jerry, you know I'm really counting on you to come to this.
Yeah well, that's easy. Just let me finish this mile high and I'll be right with you. Oh, and Jerry, we are gonna need a case of Kaiser rolls.
We'll start out with one, and they when it catches on, we're gonna have a whole fleet!
No, no, no. It was Mar&iacute;a Conchita Alonso.
He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases?
Why don't you go behind one of these cars? J
Oh, yeah, yeah, you were, you were very good.
Look Jerry, the show isn't about the circus, it's about watching freaks.
What?s his message like?
Russell Dalrimple's secretary.
Yeah, well, that was a good one.
They're all looking up.
Okay, so we're going to get the wine and we'll pick you up here in ten minutes.
Easy Mickey, easy.
(takes another smell of his hands) Alright I gotta a ten o'clock, I'll see everybody later.
Well, I met him on the course a couple of years ago. Yeah. Played with him a lot. But today was it! We're on the fifteenth hole, ya, he's beating me by a couple of strokes. Then, he's about to hit his second shot, when, he picks up the ball and CLEANS it.
I know, I know. But I need a new look, I'm stagnating.
Woah, woah, that's mine.
You talk about your day. How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know. How about you? How was your day?
Brody's in.
Hey, Jerry, you need any new furniture?
(Like a teacher) The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm in dense fog 21 miles off the coast of Nantucket. (Makes a clicking sound with his tongue)
(doing the voice) La la la.
What are you doing this for? Look at you..
And you must....look exactly like Jerry. You don't see this; you're like twins .. WOoooohhhhh!!! this is eerie.
Come on, Jerry, this is a security issue! (Elaine laughs) Boy, you wouldn't last a DAY in the Army.
Independence Day?
(CONT'D) Why? Nobody's around.
No no no, that's no good. No, I really don't think that's a beg. No, it's close, but uh...
I don't want the keys! (Jerry tries to force the keys on Kramer, but Kramer refuses.)
(singing) ...Johnny ...was a rebel. He rode through the land...
Maybe she's trying to create a buzz.
(rips open package) Yeah, that's...
No no, look. I'll tell you what -- they're having a sale right.
Well, I got caught up... watching a soap opera. 'The Bold And The Beautiful'.
Forty-nine cents a pound. That's practically half than what you're paying at the supermarket. I don't know why you don't go to Joe's.
Heey, good karma for you. (Kramer puts on Jerry's old jacket and stands next to Jerry, looking in the mirror.) Oh baby.
Bet? Um, not betting.
Hi guys.
Yeah, morning.
No, it doesn't work.
And yet, he's my friend.
No, Jerry, look I'm cooking all the food myself.
Look at this, they are redoing the Cloud Club.
This hallway smells like potatoes.
Well, that was an unusual choice for the stooges.
Why not?
...Yu uh, yes, yes uh, uh, Doctor Reston. Uhm well, hello there. Ahh yeah, well, I'm a good friend of Elaine's...
Eh!
I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.
Whoa. That's the guy that I told where the elevator was.
All right
Alright we gotta get back to the show. What are you guys doing?
Umph, sorry! But the rules clearly state that you cannot clean the ball unless it's on the green. The rules are very clear about that.
Yeah, I've considered that. (to Elaine) Look, how do I get in touch with this guy?
No, no, I didn't say you could keep it. You see I don't give away tupperware.
So she's coming?
It's sad , Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs..
Well, you better get on the horn.
(getting a bottle of water out of the fridge) Yeah, well, Elaine's new boyfriend, you know. He's giving me this oversize chest of drawers. It's a Farbman.
it's in my book - 'Astonishing Tales of the Sea' 51 people died.
C'mon, retrace your steps. What d'you do today?
But you don't have to do this! This guy is waiting in my house.
(Correcting) No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show!
Well, that's classified.
(To Newman) Well, I just assumed you would.
You know when you hold it in like that you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers. They hold it in all the time. Eventually it starts coming out involuntarily.
Well, I was just trying to help out.
You know I'm in that movie?
Look, I can't say anything. You know, the guy told me the stuff in confidence, I'd be betraying a friend.
Now, one more thing - I would like my keys back.
Hey.
Yeah, but did you tape it?
(yells) Elaine! 
You know, get some good word of mouth goin'.
(holds up framed picture): There she blows! (throws paper around)
I'll meetcha down there, well have lunch.
Wide open!
It's three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart..
I haven't made a bet in three years, I-
Hello Archie, Veronica, Mr. Weatherbee. . . . Is this Don Matingly's signature?
Yeah, what time is it?
Yeah, you overload your inventory and you blow your margins on gasoline. Trust me, it doesn't work.
Aw, that's beautiful, Newman.
Do you like tsimmis?
I have a right to be here. These are my fans. Hey you're hurting my elbow.
Of course it's a good idea, it's my idea. I conceived this whole project two years ago.
Ok, oh, you see this socket it's probably connected to her apartment. So what we'll do, we'll take this paper clip and bend it so it'll short out the entire circuit. Here you go...
Let's just say that I don't have to worry about working for a while. A long while.
Uh, well, uh, you know I can't right now, you know, uh, I got a very big meeting, I got these people interested in my movie treatment. So, uh, I guess we'll have to make it another time, alright?
Oh come on Jerry, you're wrong. People they want to watch freaks. This is a 'can't miss.'
...Well, actually uh, we're uh, we're not friends Uh, we're uh, we're much more than friends...
Big! Big!
(on his way to the door) Oh, oh well say hello for me.
Ya, so I penalized him a stroke.
Ah.
I didn't think I had to. Look with a piece of Tupperware you just assume.
Oh, you have no idea.
Aw, you really hurting, huh?
(Looks up) I'm salvaging the sauce. What's the matter with you? (Eats the bread)
There were 1,650 survivors.
Right.
Hey, what are you doing?
It's a one-time fee. A hundred and fifty bucks. Why live like this?!
C'mon George relax . Just because they look alike doesn't mean you're secretly in love with Jerry.
(Stopping his thought) Da-da-da-da no.
Oh! I know who it is. Stacy Keach.
Hey, uh, I'll see you boys later. (TURNS TO LIBRARIAN) So uh, what's a guy got to do around here to get a library card?
Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a six hundred million dollar a year industry?
You see what happens when you try to be nice?
Yeah, I'm an extra.
Alright. I'll tell you but you can't say anything to him.
That's right.
...and uh, I'm afraid we have a bit of a problem. Well, the point is, doctor uh, I'm very much in love with Elaine...
Five bucks???
Well, I know what they feel like.
Yes!
Fungus. 
(overly excited) Hey (Claps hands one time)
Now look, we're going to stop at the shoe maker right now. You gotta get some lifts for your shoes.
He LOST IT! We almost came to blows. We were face to face like a manager and an umpire like this . . kara a pukka ba ya ka ba . . .
Oh, these are nice corners, huh?
Well, we'll get to know each other. We never get to spend any time together. Oh sure we have our little group here, but ... (he looks and gestures out towards George and Jerry, as Elaine walks back into the bedroom to change out of the dress -- Kramer scratches his head in sort of disbelief)
See, the other thing is, if you don't like anything, he takes it right back.
'Hey!'
Okay, how much?
And Buck Showalter's?
(pleased) Ah, see. (rubs his hands together) I got the whole night ahead of me. (looks at Jerry) Boy, that's a nice jacket, huh?
Hey buddy.
No, no, I'm off that.
I thought we were talking about me.
You see I come up with these things, I know they're gold, but nothing happens. You know why?
No no no. It's easy, you just...do it quickly.
(Answering phone) Yeah, Go! Wha.. really? Yeah, ok. Yeah! Bye. (Hangs up) Great news! Yeah, the strike has been settled. I'm going back to work.
Yeah, and you're not going to, because I'm hanging it up. Boys, I'm retiring.
You got any Ipecac?
Helena, you're wrong, you know I'm not that sensitive at all.
...and uh, she's very much in love with me, and uh, well uh, we would uh, appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow us to pursue our courtship unfettered.
Yeah, go ahead.
You know that, uh, Leslie (Points to her) is in the clothing business? She's a designer.
Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh- you have insurance, right buddy?
Look it's Bette It's Bette! Ah, Ah, AH, . . . Bette, psst, hi.
Hey.
Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted.
(Moving out into the living room) Jerry, why don't you do a bit on Styrofoam?
Oh yeah. I also got 'Astounding Bear Attacks'
Hey. Right, I talked to this lawyer guy, Shellbach. Now, he's gonna set me up, but you gotta come with me and be the executor.
Did you see Bania's set last night? 'Cause I read on the Internet he killed.
Oh, so what are you gonna do? You gonna wait for the cable companies to resolve their dispute? They're gonna be in court for years.
Oh, thank you, FDR! All right, now we're even.
Who is it?
(from inside) OK!
(Brainstorming) What about the homeless?
Well, I was just watching them film yesterday and some guy just asked me.
He thinks you're a phony.
Yeah. Yeah, I think it would be for the best.
All right I'll be back in a second. You guys coming to my party? (exits)
(Making a point) Not everyday. 
Well, I lived in Los Angeles for three months.
You wanna keep your job don't you?
(looking at picture) Yeah, it's 3-D art. Computers generate 'em. BIG computers.
Hey. (walking over to Jerry, who sits at the table reading the newspaper)
'What?'
You're on, cowboy!
Hey.
Um, can I show this to my buddy Stubbs . He runs a sports memorabilia store. He pays top dollar for pro autographs.
Alright, lean forward, relax.
Yeah, I like that crest. (he shakes cereal into the bowl) Alright, here we go.
(frantically pulling at his doorknob) Thank god you're home. I'm wiped out. I drop my car at Jiffy Park and I forgot to take my apartment keys off the ring. So you got my spare?
I am looking for quarters for the dryer.
Oh yeah. Every which way. Couldn't crunch the numbers. It drove me crazy.
Confront Jerry? I can't.
Oh, no, no, no. Not the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?
(interrupts) No, no...time! It's all this meaningless time. Laundry, grocery, shopping, coming in here talking to you. Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?
Well, I don't want to either.
Yeah, H&H Bagels. That's where I worked.
From the grind. I mean, who needs it? I mean, I've accomplished everything I've set out to do.
No, Mickey, he swallowed twelve aspirin.
Right. (Elaine giggles) Oh boy... okay, who wants a dog? (Kramer hands out the hot dogs)What a great day!
If not, I can assure you, doctor, that I can make things very unpleasant for you and your staff. If you have one.
In fact, she's come up with a new one that is going to be the big new look in men's fashion.. It's a, a puffy shirt. (Leslie mumbles to Kramer) Well, yeah, it - it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear.
Hey!
(still overly excited) Who wants to have some fun!
Deh-deh-deh-deh- (Jane exits) All right, show's over. I'm goin' to the beach.
A rule is a rule. And let's face it. Without rules there's chaos.
(shocked) How can you not have insurance?
Uh, I just want to say I think you're wonderful.
Well, uh.. (Starts to impersonate Jerry's act) 'What is this stuff? Why do we need this stuff?.. And why do they make it so small..?'
Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, he's not gonna do it. (Leaves)
Jerry, you gotta give him some credit. (starts rubbing a stick of Jerry's butter across his face) You're just being totally ridiculous. (keeps rubbing) I'll see you later buddy.
(Sarcastic) Oh, oh, the paper..
(from his apartment) Hey, Jerry! Come here a sec!
What do you want? I'm in the middle of something.
yeah, she's a nice girl, kinda quiet though.
(Explaining) To pull the rickshaw.
Clear blue sky!
I told you, he thinks you're a phony.
Say yes! Yes, George. Yes!
Yes. Yeah, but the point that I... (listens)
[In Newman's ear] He's gyppin' us...
I do! I just miss the warm weather, y'know? Jeez. Oh man, I wish I could get away.
Make sure we don't forget where the car's parked.
No way my Gino did that. It's an Enzo. 
YAH! No Buts
Well, you blur your eyes like you're starin' straight through the picture. And you keep your eyes unfocused. And then... (Kramer and Pitt stare at picture) Oh, oh, oh, YEAH!
Listen, I need you to do me a favor.
Okay, thank you. Listen Jake, uh, where did you get those eyeglass frames?
(matter of fact) He had breasts.
' Hmm! Oh! Yeah. I'll tell you who is an attractive man; Gorge Will.'
Oh, I'm there, Monongahela!
What dog?
No, of course not. (winks back)
You want to sit here?
Encounter shiatsu.
(pouring cereal) Oh yeah. Most important meal of the day.
y'did.........phfwelll. Look.. hum..... Can you take me over there?
Because I don't have a table.
(simultaneous) No problem. You bet.
I won't!
They're a crazy religious cult. The carpet cleaning is just a means for them to get into your apartment.
Sure you can. (to Jerry) Such a sweet kid.
Hey! (moving a chair onto the set)
It's just...it's no picnic.
Alright, FDR. This wish is for all the marbles. You win, you get your wish - I drop dead. I win, I don't drop dead, and I get one-hundred percent anti-drop-dead protection -- Forever.
(bangs arm of couch in frustration) You peeked!
Oh, I bought myself a little retirement gift. Gold watch.
No, it's just too much.
...Ah, ye... (listens) Well, no... Uh, yeah, that's possible...
(on the phone) what about the driver? we could get an accident 
Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it, I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case.
Well, they're in... 
Yeah, I've seen you in everything you've done.
Yeah. What dog?
You know, you see Don Matingly signed this envelope then he sent it to room 318, where it was received and signed for by manager Buck Showalter.
It's all attitude.. (Makes a humorous face - mocking Jerry's)
I don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine. I just want out. (snaps fingers)
So get this. Peterman has his henchmen forcefully eject me from the book signing like I'm some kind of a maniac.
Are you leaving? Cause I got you covered.
What?
Here we go; now she comes in. Now my whole day is shot!
Oh, God, you're so naive! All the cable companies care about is the 'Big Mammoo.' (Jerry wacks the TV) Oh, look at you! You're banging things.. Pathetic. Just wasting your life. I'm offering you fifty-six channels - movies, sports, nudity. And it's free! For life!
What? What are you talking about?
Well how should I have 'broached the subject'
They're always walkin' around the city. Why not just strap something to them?!
Take me where? Where?
I got a quality.
A big phone. A big one.
Well, you can get 'em back.
(listens) ...Well, I suppose I could, (turns away from Elaine) but I'd have to shift a few things around, uhm... Hold on for a second, will you? Uh...
No, a thousand! 
No. Huh? You know who I saw at the health club? Salman Rushdie.
Yeah, see, I think people want to look like pirates. You know, it's the right time for it.. to be all puffy, and devil-may-care..
So what? 
oh that wouldn't be very good 
(once again, overly excited) Now are you just sayin' you want to have fun or do you reallllly want to have fun?!
(with his hand in Mickey's face) YAAAAAH!
Yeah, it's a spaceship, surrounded by planets, asteroids...
Well, I need you to help me move my refrigerator.
So you don't know where you got 'em?
Bad news, my friend.
'Yeah! He has clean looks, scrubbed and shampooed and....'
Why?
(continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the Healing power of the body's natural pressure points.
(enthusiastic) Oh, I'm percolating, Jerry. I'm telling you, I have never felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy. Listen to this idea. (fetches a spoon from the drawer) A restaurant that serves only peanut butter and jelly. (clicks tongue)
Oh Come on Jerry, It's all the way over to twelfth avenue..
Hey buddy! Hey!
I'll just squeeze in...
(Outstretched arms) It's the Merv Griffin set. (Claps 7 times)
Alright, fine fine, I'll do it.
Oh, man! All right, come on. There's got to be something that'll change your mind, FDR. Something..' (FDR lifts up a cooler, and puts it on the table) What, you want my kidney? (FDR is smiling wickedly as he pulls a snowball out of the cooler) Mama!..
Yeah. Look, see. I still have my business card. (Pulls it out, hands it to Elaine) Yeah, we've been on strike for 12 years.
It was under a spoon!
Well, it's not really gold.
I'm gonna put it down behind that car.
Hey! (Group does likewise)
... Uh, go ahead, yeah. (listens and makes a note) Alright uh... Yeah, yeah, okay... I look forward to it too. (listens) Eh, hah, okay. So long.
Wait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has a cult following.
Hey.
(Still laughing) That's true.. (Gets up) I'll be right back. (Walks off laughing. Jerry and Elaine are left with the low-talker. A moment passes)
(sort of falling backwords) Yowm!
(theatrical) I made a mistake.
The MACANAW PEACHES ,Jerry , the MACANAW PEACHES!!!!  
So, so.
Anything I can get you? Water? They got ice over here.
Don't...
Why?
I'm not going to take the bus that's why I got a car!
You think people will still be using napkins in the year two-thousand? Or is this mouth-vacuum thing for real?
What's the matter with you?
I ran out of butter so I had to borrow yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosy?
Can you hear yourself? Can, can, do you know what you're saying?!
Hey buddy, I'm borrowing all your Tupperware.
Oh mama.
No. No, he can't do that.
Well sounds like someone's having a bad day.
What am I gonna say?
You begged me.
Because you see, George, having the keys to Jerry's apartment? That kept me in a fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house, it was like I was on vacation. Better food, better view, better TV. And cleaner? Oh - much cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored the squalor in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see, through Jerry's eyes. I was living in twilight, George. Living in the shadows. Living in the darkness...like you.
Yeah. (putting hand to his mouth, hatching a thought)
His feelings? You can't continue seeing him. You're destroying yourself. 
I would. I always open medicine cabinets. 
Cause I'm getting rid of it.
Well, that's peculiar. (leaves)
I liked Marlene. What's her number?
No, not these. These were real hooters.
'No, no I don't find him all that bright.'
Hey.
(Quietly) Buffer zone (Kramer moves to the other seat)
(to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre.
P B and J's. What d'you think?
Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brand/Leland by nine.
Hello, twelve dollars.
My job. What are you doing?
Oh, you just bring it in sideways and (pop) hook it.
Yeah, well, H&H wouldn't let us use their bath room while we were picketing. It put a cramp on our solidarity.
(TO GEORGE) Pink eleven. Remember that.
(screaming at the players on the field) YOU BETTER CATCH IT,
Hey, Morty.
Uh, okay now. He uh, you know, he uh, wants to get together.
Hey
He can't even walk down the street in South America...
No. No, nothing. I got no... peristalsis.
And you're saying she's deaf. 
Well, you're getting heavy.
Right now there six-hundred Titleists that I got from the driving range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rock-a-Way... and hit `em-----------(very over excited) into the ocean! Now picture this.... we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, we take out our drivers, we tee up and (he makes a golf stroke), that ball goes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then....... ..... gulp!
New cards, huh?
Ya' ever dream in 3-D? It's like the boogeyman is comin' right at you.
I'm human.
Two and a half points.
'So you got any cavities?'
Yeah Yeah I split a case with Newman..I waited all year for this.. Oooh this is fantastic.. Makes your taste buds come alive....It's like having a circus in your mouth.....Take a taste 
She must be a very special lady, huh George, yeah.
Chocolate, Lemon, and uh, Cherry.
Well, there is something you can do.
Awright I'm gonna get George to pick me up.
got problems Jerry.
No, no, no. Don't give me that. I know you. Something's wrong. What is it.
You know, if they catch two of us on TV, you got some explaining to do.
I'm shaving with it.
It's not illegal.
I closed down my account at the blood bank.
I will lose that nail.
Come on, we'll go and talk to him, and we'll straighten this thing out.
Well, I think one of us should leave.
Well, I'm not an idiot.
What? What? What? Tell me.
Oh, yeah. I can barely see you, George.
Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a steam!
I put them on a dental chair.
Yeah, maybe I can get some rubber gloves there huh, yea.
I'm not going to let you. If you don't call him I will. 
Big mistake. 
Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone sex thing is hilarious, like this woman Erika, here look (showing the ad in the newspaper). You gotta call her, the voice she uses.. 
Oh?
Well, maybe you're gonna get 'em too, George.
C'mon Seattle, let's go.
No. You got a point.
He's a genius. Here we go...
Look, it's personalized. (Holds it up, reading) 'The Costanzas'
(dismissive) Ahh.
Uh, yeah, I bought Dungarees.
Because I'm workin' there, that's why.
(takes camera) Oh, yeah, sure.
Hey, buddy. How was career day?
Yeah ... backstage.
Yeah, 5.35 an hour. And that's what they're paying now.
Gonorrhea? You wanna trade?
Con dios? Well, that's rude.
Hey, Mrs. Seinfeld. Hi
He wants to talk.
Hey, how ya' doing? [Trying to enter]
[In Newman's ear] I don't like it...
I tried bran-- 40%, 50% 100%. The bran isn't working for me.
Can't hear a thing. 
Yeah, you look like you put on (holds his hands out) five, (holds his hands wider) ten pounds.
Oh. Well, I'll tell you, a nice greeting card can really lift a person's spirits.
(pointing) Right in here. Just keep your eyes unfocused. (convulses in pain) Waahh! Oh, mama!
Hey, I told you.
George, I want you to taste this cantaloupe.
Come on ,Just take a taste 
Pineapple, sure, alright, I'll be right back.
Well, what if there should be an unfortunate accident?
From pain, will come pleasure.
Well I had been swimming for three hours and I was in a real grove so I decided to keep going. But at ten they start the aquasonics Thirty-five geriatrics throwing elbows. It was like I was swimming through a flabby armed spanking machine.
What did you do?
Jerry, it's vastly superior to any commercial shaving cream. The shave is close and clean, and the natural emolients keep my skin silky-smooth. Now feel my face.
Well, yeah.
Right across the hall. What, you wanna go see?
Then we're cool.
Look at this place. It's huge...
Good for you! What kind of a sick lowlife would do a thing like that? You know those people, you know they're mentally disturbed. (Pointing a finger at Jerry)
Alright. (Holds out his pinkie at the center of the table) 
Hey, what made you think you could touch that awning?
I'm going to call Gino, you're going to see him, and we're going to get that haircut fixed up. 
hey, you're hungry? Monk's? 
Yes! I would like to very much!... Well, I'm low, aren't I? I ca--I can feel it!...
(claps hands) So ...
Seattle, yeah!
Oh, uh, uh. (Leaves)
Oh I ah just came from a meeting with my lawyer.
I can't ...
Uh-huh.
Uh? Voila.
Well, maybe your father would be interested in that.
I am telling you, this woman is strange. She never wants to leave the apartment. It's almost like she doesn't wanna be seen with me.
Listen, Can you take me over to the Jiffy Park?
Well, they're slim-fit.
Jerry. I don't know if you've noticed, but lately, I've been drifting, aimlessly?
(putting on jacket) Oh, well a lot of the stars from the 70's - they were not as hygienic as they appeared on TV. You take Mannix for example.
Now you know who to thank for that!.. Alright, I've got to go. (Heads for the door)
They should be sent to Australia.
Do you ever yearn?
Oh, ah, well some guy kicked me in the side of the head.
(momentary confusion) Wha...? Uh... (thoughtful) That's interesting.
I just wanted to borrow your Dust Buster.
Well I don't want to sit there naked all by myself!
Whoo. It's like a sauna in here.
Pfft! Hold it right there. If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, you're wasting your time. I am not Jerry, under any circumstances, doing any inserting in that area.
And you're going to go out with her. 
I'll tell you something else, you're looking a little chunky yourself, buddy.
(opening a card) Oh, a check.
Mama!
Here's your scrubber back.
It's all manipulated with junk bonds. You can't win.
It's the best cantaloupe I ever had.
Hello, boys and girls.
'So what's wrong with that?
Come on JUST TASTE!!! 
No, no. Not me. I just happen to know someone who specializes in exactely these kinds of sticky situations.
The elevator just broke. I had to walk up five flights.
(to tourists) Hey, are you folks from Japan.
A half hour then diving class started. Well... that got a little messy. I gotta find a new place to swim 'cause that pooll can't hold me, Jerry.
Don't you know you're not supposed to poke around down there.
Feel it.
(Holding the rabbit ears) Look, will you at least let me bring the guy over? He's an amazing man. He's a Russian immigrant. He escaped the Gulag. He's like the Sakharov of cable guys.. He'll slow down your gas meter. He sells slugs, Jerry. Slugs for the subway.
You know, for a fat guy you're not very jolly.
Okay, what do you got?
(Patting George on the shoulder) He's a hell of a guy.
So how we doin' on time?
Happy birthday paruba!
[In Newman's ear] Alright, well be back, jack.
George, don't give him any money for that. It'll cost you less to keep it another day, rewind it and bring it back tomorrow. Don't give him the satisfaction.
All right, geez. You're crazy. 
Yeah! (Kramer takes a huge imaginary swing)
Ohhh, maaan!! It's over! The Kramer name is finished! I'm never goin' to procreate--
Well after that Kidney Stone I only want fresh food. It's gotta be fresh. I'm not eating any more stored food. Plus you know I want the space.
All right, c'mon, let's go again.
So she works at the zoo?
Oh I'll tell you how it's looking. My lawyer Jackie says if there is one coffee drinker on that jury, (in a very high voice) I'm gonna be a rich man.
Well these seats have no lumbar.
Yeah. Sure. Sure.
Yeah.
(Interested) Oh yeah? Well, maybe I'll go out there and knock a few balls around with him. You know, show him a thing or two..
(laughing) He he, yeah.
(Talking fast) Yeah, they're streamlined.
Hey!! Buddy. I thought of a great invention for driving. A periscope in a car, so you can see the traffic.
But I finally realized what's missing, in my life. Structure. An' at Brand/Leland, I'm gettin' things done. An' I love the people I'm workin' with.
They're trying to screw with your head.
(suddenly entering) Hey, oh--listen. Did you get my ticket from Allison--
Hey.
All right. Well, Jerry, we'd love to have you back anytime. (stretches his arm out, as if he's reaching out a good-bye)
Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work. It's embarrassing! (Leaves) (Scene ends)
Yeah, yeah, that's where England used to send their convicts.
(screaming again) HEY, 230 AIN'T GONNA CUT IT IN THIS TOWN, BABE!
I yearn.
Ah, w-Crazy Joe Devola.
Hello.
Yeah.
Fungi. 
There's a check in all these? Why don't you cash them?
I think I gotta go to the doctor! (exits) Oh, mama!
Hey, I don't care. I'm just telling you to (yelling) get rid of that stock, now!
Jerry, tell him how good this cantaloupe is.
Yeah. Hey listen, I uh, I need a picture of you, buddy.
You know, Frank can't be too comfortable with those things clanging around. He should wear something for support.
'So... Did you take a look?'
HE..YA. AYA. AYYYYYAAAAA!!!! 
Hey, I'm in tip-top shape. Better than you!
So, what's your game? What do you like to play?
Hey.
(high pitched voice) 'Well women do it.' I'll tell you what. I'll pick you up a sundress and a parasol and you can just (high pitched voice) sashey your pretty little self around the town square.
Feel it. Feel it.
Yeah. He's intense, man.
Well, Elaine Benes! Well, it's great to have you! (Elaine sits down) Boy, is it possible that you're even more beautiful than the last time I saw you?
All right, everybody! I'm back!
Good luck with that.
&iquest;Habla espanol?
It's got to be here.
Really, Ah,
Will you relax?!
How tall are you?
Well, I beg to differ...
All right, lets go.
Hey. 
What
Well I could put a, dresser in there. I could get dressed while I'm making breakfast.
Yeah, like Diane Fosse. You know she's the only person that's ever been accepted into gorilla society. And you know, once those gorillas accept you, you got it made in the shade.
Look, just meet with him. ?????.
Yeah, well you wouldn't be on that jury. He would have weeded you out.
We are talking.
The Alex was built in nineteen twenty-two, during the golden era of movie palaces. Minor restorations in nineteen forty-one, forty-seven, fifty-two, fifty-eight, sixty-three, and currently to our present period of time.
Drive the horse?
Oh, I'll be back.
I like 'em all(still fiddles with the radio)
(Making his way toward the door) What? They just gotta be worked in a little bit, that's all. (Pulling the door shut behind him) Alright, see you later.
Huh! You make a higher roof.
Oh, no, no, no-no--I don't want any pay. I'm doin' this just for me.
(points over to Jerry) You recognise that mug?
Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.
All right! Yeah.. Courtside.. Whoa! Don't let this girl get away..
Got the paper?
It's pronounced thermometer.
What the heck is going on here?
(enters) Well, I just got out of a 27-minute shower. I made some good cuts, and I didn't lose anything I needed. Yeah, I think what I kept is even stronger now.
No.
Oh, hey.
Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often, I...I sit...and yearn. Have you yearned?
Well, I was having this party and I didn't invite him and then Jerry, tipped him off.
Hey I know how to sign. 
Fungi. 
Really? 25% off? Do I get that, too?
But you got a whole pile here. 1987?
Sell it, just say I'm selling!
Well, I'm uh, I'm putting everybody's picture up in the lobby of our building.
A bra is for ladies. I'm talking about a support undergarment specifically designed for men.
'Well I'll tell you I'm looking forward to my appointment on Thursday. I might even get there a few minutes early.'
Jerry , this is a miracle of nature that exists for a brief period. It's like the Aurora Borealis. 
Yeah, well I'm walking for charity, what are you doing?
Awright, my work is done here.
No, nothing doing. Let's, you and me, play a game of straight pool.. hmm?
(quietly) Jerry.
No, an eighteen-wheeler's no good. Too much overhead. You got permits, weigh-stations, tolls... Look, you're way outta your league.
That's the funny face that greets you at the beginning of the Super Terrific Happy Hour.
Ok, hold on there.. That's a nasty cough you got there, huh?
What's up?
Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.
You know, in the year two-thousand, we'll all be on speed-dial. You'll just have to think of a person, they'll be talking to you. It'll be like, wup (judders and puts his hands to his temples, as if receiving a call on a 'mental phone') getting a call here.
Listen to me. You don't tell anybody about this. No one. You hear me?
Oh, you're not gonna get caught. Look, let me get him. Man, it's the nineties, it's Hammer time! Come on, just let me get him.
Cosmo Kramer.. strikes over.
Oh, stop saying 'reneging'.
This is the best way to go!
Come on lets see - Back to Back.
Yep yep yep.
YEA!
All right, all right. What. What. You tell me; I'll do anything. Come on, Doc, tell me.
You got a pen?
Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas.
...so I called the litterbug a pig, not you. I like policeman. I wanted to be a policeman.
(to Jerry) Hey. Hey, would you do me a solid?
Oh I can be quite litigious.
So, ah then, I ah had to kill him and ah, well the police are still looking for me.
Yes, yes I am. The icing on the cake would be getting that landmark status from the City. We're hoping Lloyd Braun can pull a few strings.
Oh, giddyup. Yeah.
(quietly) Hey Jerry.
(seems to pickup something on the floor) ....'s'this?
why can't you make a higher roof.
T.C.B. You know, takin' care o' business. Aa--I gotta go.
No, come on. (Larry the cook comes over)
(All right.) (to Jerry) Ah? Oh, by the way: you owe Mike a hundred dollars.
No paper?
(to Jerry and George) Hey, it's Newman. (to 'mental phone') Hey, how you doing, Newman?
Well, I may have to take it, but I don't have to like it.
(noticing suds all over his clothes and body) Wha...? Oh, man! Geez! Look at that! I'm all lathery. Jerry, you got to show me what I'm doing wrong.
&iquest;Como se dice.. waterbed?
Yeah?
Look at you.
Consolation Guy is big.
Yeah when I was 8, I had a deaf cousin who lived with us for about a year. (signing as he speaks) So I haven't been able to do it in a while. 
I told ya.
(exhales) Well, I'm not finding a spot here. What do you want to do?
Why, why? Why does she get it?
Jerry, your grandmother gave you this gift. She wants you to spend the money, to have the fun that she can't have. Oh, this is tantamount to a slap in the face.
You know, I can't believe you put your money in that Sendrax. And you could've invested in my roll-out tie dispenser.
Hey, I just thought of a really funny thing for your act. All right, you're up there, you're on the stage and you go, 'Hey, you ever notice how cars here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore. Someone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking, 'Well, sorry buddy, you should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes and sauages for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years.'
So everyone will know everybody's name. See, people are gonna be a lot friendlier.
I tell you, I'm gonna go noodle with this.
What? 
(closing the door) Yeah, you can send that bike over any time.
Yeah, now and then - you know how it is..
(prodding Jerry) C'mon buddy.
Gawd!!!
Ah, yeah. Yeah, that's him.
Oh? What's she in for? (putting groceries in the fridge)
Look, George, just think about it. You know, you're married, how would you feel if somebody says to you that they just had se...
(to 'mental phone') Oh, you wanna talk to Jerry?
Hey, Jerry shaved his chest.
(to woman next to him) Pemmican turkey? Come on take a bite...well more for me.
Huh.. wha- Didn't any of the guys come back?
I, Okay, okay. I'm not reneging.
George, there's no traffic at this time. Now, come on, man...
What's the matter with you? I just wanted to see how tall she was.
Who would think these people we're gonna be here?
She was probably joking.
All the time?
What, you're giving him this suit?
And I need something to write on.
Yeah, you're looking at the new Santa at Coleman's Department store.
Nothin'
Scared of being shot.
I need you to sit in the car for two minutes while it's double-parked. I gotta pick up some birds.
So you gonna use it?
Yeah but Jackie says the top was faulty.
Lloyd Braun can do anything he puts his mind to. He's fine, Jerry. (to Elaine) And you should say hello to him, Elaine.
(leaving) I'll see you tonight, huh? (turning back, grabs his briefcase) Forget my briefcase.
Come on, Larry. You know me.
Well I put a bet down for ya on tonight's game. Yeah, if the Knicks beat the Pacers by more than thirty-five? It pays ten to one. Oo-oo! That's some sweet action!
Well, what's taking you so long? (Elaine enters from the bedroom. Kramer is a little shocked) Uh? Oh, well, yeah... (He exits)
What's that guy's last name again?
No problem. Yeah, you'll have the whole thing installed by the time you get back.
No, I mean it, man. I'm lost!
You know, actually, Jerry, you haven't worked a room that big in a while.
You got anything to drink? &iquest;Agua?
What's going on?
I don't know!
Yeah.
You're wasting your life.
It's like ten dates in one shot.
Don't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. (RE:PAPER) Look at that.
No, no.
Oooh, lobsters.
Jerry, a gift not enjoyed is like a flower that doesn't blossom.
Okay, you're in a restaurant. You've got a very big meeting coming up...
It's funny.
Imagine walking by someone on the floor, and you say 'Hey, Carl!' and he says 'Hey, Jerry!' You see, that's the kind of society I wanna live in.
Flea bites? 
I'll break.
You awake?
That's a....ca.....ca..........Condom!!
Well, I don't know. But something super terrific, I'm sure.
Sounds like a nice girl. Hey Jerry, is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.
(picking the racquet up) Did you take this out of the garbage?
I forgot. Wait. Never mind.
Hoochie moochie. (haha)
Oh, man. Makes you wonder what it was all for..
You know I was watching Entertainment Tonight, and uh, suddenly I got dizzy. And the next thing I know I hit my head on the coffee table.
You let go - come on ...(they fight over the items)
If anything, we'll probably get there early. I'll have a chance to go to the Duty Free shop.
What's that?
Could you do me a favor? If you see a guy that's five foot eleven, he's got uh a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's going to be right back, okay?
She didn't have any?
Nothin.'
Yeah, but I've always worn Jockeys.
Armani? Hey, Armani Jerry. (Kramer takes the suit and looks it over)
You said take 'em.
I gust met Uma Therman. She's giving me her telephone number. Uma Jerry, Uma.
Me?
I like that eye patch.
Yeah. A friend of mine, he's a magician. He's going away on vacation. He asked me to take care of his doves.
Hey Maestro!
(as he leaves with it) Crackers.
Well, I couldn't do it: I got a gamblin' problem.
Oh, that's right.
No, no, now look now, Jerry, Jerry, it's no risk. I swear. The Mets have seventy-five games on cable this year..
Hm, That's interesting. You know someone mentioned to me you were not very happy with your toys, growing up.
(chuckling) Oh, Jerry, you know I can't do that.
Let me get a glass of water. (Heads tward the sink)
What? Well, you hardly know the guy.... What a nerve. You see wasn't I right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going to do it are you?
O.K., like what? No, tell me! Do you have a job?
No. No. I'm gonna stay home. I want to be close to my home base in case there's any news from the front. (he leaves)
Look look.
I'll get a ticket! Besides, what if somebody wants to get out of here?
'My wife has an inner ear infection.'
Yeah.
On Prancer on Dasher, on Donna.
(looks at his shirt as if he had a tie on) Oh man, you got mustard on your tie!
(to Elaine) You know your eyeliner's smudged a little. Why do you wear so much eye makeup?
You got a dog? 
W...It's four.
Oh yeah, very funny. And it wouldn't be impolite to laugh at his antics.
What?</font>
What, did they kick you out too?
Well, not here.
Oh, Jerry, this is a piece of junk. (drops racquet in the trash) How are you gonna be the executor of my living will?
Alright! Toss me an apron, let's bagel! (Takes off his coat, puts it in the display case, then turns to see a plate full of bagels.) What are those?
I have a pen.
Yep. (Mumbles off)
Duty.
That smell. What's that smell?
Why don't you get a 'death in the family' fare?
(raising hand) She faked 'em all.
No, no, no. That's hundred percent non-fat.
Well, how did they get your face? 
What state?
Come on, try it on.
Well, obviously there was a miscommunication.
Yeah.
No.
They won't take a cage full of birds.
That's as good as anything you do.
NEWMAN: ! Stop it!!
I'm in here. How's it going.
Jerry, you gotta help me!
Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Because everybody laughs at Jerry here in America.
Okay (lifting the bag and carrying it into the apt.)
(indicating) You see? You can't let go.
(impatient sigh) You don't have a problem.
You won't regret it. (Jerry mutters some more, Kramer rubs his hands together in anticipation, then starts dancing around with a reluctant Jerry) Jerry's gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy..
For me? Go...Yeah, what tonight? Yeah, I'll be there...Yeah later. (puts the phone down) Well, somebody's baby-sitting.
Oh, that's right, right, right. And uh you mentioned that uh, you didn't get a G.I. Joe. You had an...
Well, that's how cats do it.
YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride or self respect? I mean, how can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going to do? You're going to start driving him to the airport?
You got money?
Oh, yeah, yeah. I was a little off last week, huh Jerry -- Yeah but the doctor says it was just a slight concussion
Let's just take a bus back to the city.
pig-man, baby. pig-man.
No. 
That's a fallacy.
I like that! Hey look, will you do me a favor? Will you take my quilt into the cleaners for me, so I can get the discount too?
Donna!
You just (makes the tearing sound) tear it off, and vvvvrrrpppp you got a new one right here. Then you're gone.
Well, that is strange. 
Yeah.
Oh the red. Yeah, It&rsquo;s the chicken roaster sign. You know, its right across from my window.</font>
Oh, no no no no I'll take it. Why don't you come over. Let's see if it will fit in my bedroom.
This slicer is indomitable.
(Picks one up, he's mesmerized) I never thought I'd live to see that..
His cat's gone.
Nah.
No, I dunno how much duty is.
It's very familiar. I can't put my finger on it. It's very familiar.
You go to the airlines, you tell them you got a death in the family? They give you 50% off the fare.
Well so she faked 'em, so what?
Well, maybe it's the Oreos.
They're never in contention.
Come on, I want to see how it fits.
Jerry, I left you a pair right here...(goes into Jerry's room and comes out with a pair of cowboy boots.) C'mon. There, put on those boots.
Yeah well I don't have any time to talk now. (he rushes back into the theater)
Well, now look, just leave me alone.
George, do me a solid? Two minutes.
Ah!! I found a quarter. Anybody want there clothes heated up?
I can't get my pants off, and Mickey's audition is in twenty minutes! You know, I'm supposed to be a business man, I gotta be in costume!
Hey.
Well, it's chicken feed. (Slams the bag into Jerry's fridge.)
I wish I could believe you. Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon?
I don't believe that.
Don't be ridiculous. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to fill my freezer with my own blood.
Right.
OK. Let's turn the water on now.
Well, more bad news Jerry.
yeah yeah
Do you have a woman?
Hey, look at this, c'mere. There's a naked woman across the street. 
Why not?
Hey, I'm tellin ya the pig-man is alive. The government has been experimenting with pig-men since the fifties.
Why don't YOU go into the store and I'LL wait in the car?
C'mon, just this one time! It's expensive!
(Looking at map) Hey, where, where are you going? You gonna take a trip? The map... what...
Don't sweat it buddy...I used to have fleas. 
I just came from Leapin' Larry's. Making fun of crippled people, is that what you've sunk to?
I'm bored. I got all this free time on my hands, I dunno what to do. You wanna do something?
Three quarters of a tank.
They are shut. Oh by the way, your friend Seth, he stopped by.</font>
My old one sprung a leak.
You buy enough meat, they'll give you anything.
You know the police, they found another victim of the Lopper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo, and it looked a lot like you.
..You know, cats run away all the time. You know, my aunt, she had a cat. Ran away. Showed up three years later.. you never know. They got things in
Oh, yeah, yeah. He's after Jerry now.
Hey.
I still like to stop at the duty free shop.
Yeah, okay, So I'll see you tomorrow uh?
In fact, listen...I'll go down there with ya. You know, we'll tell them there's a death in my family, you buy the ticket, I'll split it...then I'll get the bonus miles and you'll get to Detroit for a quarter of the price!
You know I heard her screaming from my apartment? She woke me up a few times.
You don't eat Oreos? (acts out eating Oreos) The way you break them open? You're (does a bunch of licking motions) ~ practically having sex with them.
Because I've seen every Miss America pageant since I was six.
There you go.
Well, why not?
No, don't, don't make me
All right... Yeah. All right, have a good one.
Well, this is a surprise ha?
(emphatic) You're not crazy. Jerry does wear glasses. He just forgot 'em, that's all. (puts an arm round Lloyd's shoulder) Not crazy.
Jerry? Jerry!
That's better than we estimated.
(Bracing himself on a bar stool) Yeah, I already did it. It won't come off. The zipper's suck..
Boy, they got a great cafeteria downstairs. Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar.. It's like a Sizzler's opened up a hospital! (Sits and starts eating) So, how did you have a heart attack? You're a young man. What were you doing? Are they gonna do a zipper job? Oh, they love to do zipper jobs.
Yeah, I bought a chicken.
Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted businesswoman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on a few throats.
Why were you holding the door open for?
Hello, Vivian! Oh, this is a nice screen.
And we all know how painful that can be. (as he says this, he turns and speaks directly into the non-existent television camera. Jerry looks a bit confused.)
ah, Hello FDR. Yeah, I'll have a hot one, (pulls out some cash and slaps down a bill on the stand) everything on it.
What?
Maybe it was a reaction to the sardines.
Do you have any prospects?
Second floor from the top. (Pointing) See the window on the left? 
Jerry wake up to reality. It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
So what I'm going to leave the car running and the heat 'll be on.
Hey. Hey Elaine, what do you say if neither of us is married in ten years, we get hitched?
Hey, can I use your place? I got a bunch of friends coming over this weekend.
What do you mean?... 
I got it. We'll kidnap him . and we'll drop him off Upstate and this way he won't bother you anymore and he won't get hurt.
Oh, oh your foot fell asleep.
Wha, you too?
You wanna rent a movie?
Yeah, he was fired.</font>
Elaine. Uh, you got a moment?
Sand! It's like sleeping on the beach.
(still reading the paper) Man, 2.9 percent financing on a Toyota Onedun (Sp?). That was my idea too!
(showing Jerry his mailbox) Check it out. Rain and sleet may not stop them, but let's see them get by... these bricks.
See, that's the same thing that happened to Lomez.
Not as many as there used to be.
The wire was sticking out.. (Fits the two broken pieces together) Yeah.
I'm dizzy.
I'm watching The Bold and the Beautiful.
I like to stop at the duty free shop!
Yeah. Nice meeting you.
Yeah I could have helped you out.
You? You're getting old.
Giddy-up!
Oh boy, that looks great. I can't believe you're giving him this.
C'mon here, try 'em on. (Jerry sits down and puts the boots on.)
No, I can't, all right I can't ...
Oh Maestro, you, what are you doing? You don't have to do this. Do you believe this Maestro?
(Wiggling and floppin) Pull Down
Oh, I just had two double-fudge sundaes.
The really bad thing about the heart is the sex thing. See, you gotta be careful about sex now. You get that heart pumping and suddenly, boom! Next thing you know, you got a hose coming out of your chest attached to a piece of luggage.
Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.
Well, I thought it was a nice gesture. But I guess I was wrong!
Yeah.
Don't take my money!
Oh, Elaine Benes. Well, this is quite a thrill, yes. Come - - (motions for Jerry to move down one seat as the new guest has arrived for her segment. Kramer gives Jerry a little push) Come on sit down. Yes.
Well, guess what, FDR? I made a wish on a shooting star last night, and I wished, against your wish.
I wish you never mentioned it to ME. [exits]
You got anything on the horizon?
No.
We're engaged! Alright, I'm gonna get my quilt. (Kramer leaves.)
Hey, Jerry.
Well, it's just some people I met at a rock concert. (Phone rings.) Do you mind if they use your bed? (Jerry give Kramer a look.) 'Cause they're really good people, Jerry. I'm telling you. You know, they're anarchists. They're.. they're.. they're.. huge.
Huh?
Well, you just joked yourself right out of that commercial, didn't you, munjamba?
These showers are horrible. There's no pressure, I can't get the shampoo out of my hair.
Well, what am I gonna do?
Ah, no, that's not in the budget.
I, uh, need to speak to you about some lady problems.
Well, would I be able to communicate?
Jerry, I had to tell them. I had to. I had no choice. They were onto the scam from the very beginning.
Jerry, the whole building is brick.
Well, he moved to a hotel and the cat eventually died.
Come on, Jerry. How about a-a baggy swimsuit?
You know, George, you're not gonna find an electrician like that in the yellow pages. Now, I know just the guy who can do this.
You oughta get that wire fixed. (They go to leave) I got the door. (Shuts the door, the broken lamp falls to the floor)
What?
I could have given you some pointers. I know how to press those buttons buddy.
Yeah yeah Pete, he can get you great tickets to something. 
Oh, guess again, Tubby!
Hey, Elaine scratch my back. 
Yo
He's very generous, isn't he?
... My mother's a matron!
'Hey! What's this?'
Yeah, ya know you haven't been around for a while.
Hey.
(Feet off the ground, his body going everywhere on the couch) Wait, Jerry...Wait a minu...
Yeah, I'll be okay.
I I I 
No? That's good.
Well, he came by to pick up his check for the banquet hall. You know I got a hundred and eighty-three responses? Oh, it's gonna be a rager.
No (throws hand in the air and turns and looks back at Jerry)
I don't even know their names! Look, why don't you just take the one that was on the left?
Oh, I'm putting up Frank's screen door. This beauty's got a little life in her yet.
No, I'm the baby-sitter.
Ju - Excuse me. Yeah we're, talking this way.
Alright, I'm triple-wishing! Yep!
Hey. Well, I just saw Madeline off. Yeah. She's in a cab and--nguh nguh nguh--on her way. I miss her already.
Do you have any action at all?
..Yeah.. (Pause) yeah.. (Slowly stands up, and walks out Jerry's apartment - leaving Jerry and George with the view, he shuts the door behind him) 
I see.
Well here's Toby, (points to Jerry in order to introduce him to Toby) Jerry.
Ah, you look like a cowboy! Huh?
I got it. Uma, Uma, Uma. (looking at the ticket)
Ho ho ho Well come on little Princess, tell Santa what you want. Don't be shy.
I GOT THE PINEAPPLE. : I GOT THE PINEAPPLE.
If I don't have a good shower I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.
That's not a good investment, that's a loss.
There's Brody. Brody! Over here.
(a little anxious) You know, after I have sex with Emily, uh, I don't want her in the bed any more.
So Jerry, my millennium party's really coming together. Will people be able to breathe underwater in the year two-thousand?
A dealer? Are you insane? No, take out an ad. Sell it privately.
Oh, that's a prickly one.
Well, this has all been one big tease!
Oh, no, no, no. This guy is no friend. In fact, we don't even get along.
Hey.
Five minutes. What?
[OC] THE BEACH!!!
Yello?
Aaaaah.
Like a rock concert. Whatever you like. 
Come on, one lap around. 
(taps the Father on the shoulder) That's good work.
Yeah, there, all right I said it there.. Ya' satisfied? Anything else you want to know?
'(gasp_)......Kom Pau........'
Oh Tuscany huh? Hear that Jerry? That's in Italy.
[taking Jerry's couch cushion] Yeah.
Boy, look at that. Se that's that fire I was listening to yesterday.
Hey, d'you see that car? Looks like Jerry's. I'm gonna check out that license plate.
Well, I'm sure he'll be sharing his next one with Pam.
Well hello Photo store Sheila. 
Oh man.. No.. George, we gotta get you outta here. Get out! Right now! They'll kill ya in here.
Yeah, you're right. That's a lot of pupkitz. Hey Frank, you know anybody who can help me cook?
Hey, you got any matches?
Huhh, yeah, let's pull the cord.
Oh, everybody's your type.
(Closing door) The cool evening breezes of Anytown, USA. Let's see how this baby closes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ah, Now, for those of us who don't know, uh, sidling is what?
Alright.. How do you like this? (Pulls out one of his eyebrows) Ya!
Well, I got gonorrhea.
Alright, listen up. Now, you three have been hand-picked out of possibly dozens that applied. Now, what we're looking for are motivated, hard-working, homeless gentlemen like yourselves to pull rickshaws. (One of the homeless men starts to wander off, walking away) Now, I don't caer where you're from, or how you got here, or what happened to your homes. But you will have to be physically fit.
Well, I signed up for a food delivery service, Now We're Cookin'. That's a play on words. You know, they're faxing me the menus from some restaurants.
Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
(from inside) Yeah?
You smell like the beach. What's the name of that perfume? you're wearing.
(a bit startled) Ahh.
Steinbrenner! He's ruinin' my life...
Sniffing, what do you mean sniffing?
You know, you should call this off, Elaine. It's a barbaric ritual.
Oh, stop it. You know that friend of yours, Tim the dentist? I got an invitation to his Thanksgiving Eve party.
Yeah, all right. Taxi's on me. (he walks off camera)
Santa speaks the language of all children. A notchie watchie dotchie do.
Hey, hey.
(leaving) Aw.
Yeah, those are New York plates.
(Getting Pulled and pulled) I...um...ei...
Yeah, because she's throwing off my whole sleep. She's got the jimmy legs.
(crumpling a piece of paper) I don't wanna exclude anybody.
No! Jerry! (The FBI agents open fire. Jerry's gunned down by a hailstorm of bullets. Kramer leans next to a fallen Jerry, cupping Jerry's head in his hands) Cable boy, cable boy.. What have you done to my little cable boy?..
Come on, Jerry, just let me help you.
Oh, he's the best...and the worst.
It's been a week. It's up to the cat now.
I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? Wouldn't respect myself.
Oh yeah, it's all set. They got the bug boy on him.
Because I've been watching too much. It was an addiction. I couldn't stop. It was, it was destroying my brain cells.
Giddy-up.
You got it. Hey Jerry, do me a favor. The next time you see that lineswoman ask her how those ball boys get those jobs. I would love to be able to do that. 
What?
It will be a funky adventure. 
(trying to act like the guy playing the Father) I'm not really going away, I told you I'd be back every other weekend.
A dotchie cotchie dochie,
Look, George, I can't help ya, all right.
Hey.
Yeah. Elaine, she has to leave her armoire on the street all night...I'm gonna guard it for her. I need something to sit on.
They just don't know what street to take. You remember that time I got us to Yankee Stadium in rush hour in fifteen minutes?
(Explaining why they are doing so bad) Well, we're still, uh, learning the subtleties of the table.
What do you mean?
Oh yeah? My friend, Bob Saccomanno, he came in here for a hernia operation.. Oh yeah, routine surgery.. now he's sittin' around in a chair by a window going, 'My name is Bob' .. George, whatever you do, don't let 'em cut you. Don't let 'em cut you..
What's the matter with him?
(Between coughs) Hey.
You've been married three times.
What do you mean?
(Tears out another eyelash) Ah! (Blows it away)
That's what they gave me.
(Continuing as if nothing happened) Because to pull rickshaws means more than just strong legs. You're also going to need a well-toned upper body.
Well, all of them. It's the deluxe package.
George, it's time for us to grow up - and be men. Not little boys.
For what?
How does it look on your side? [Pause while George just stares at him] We'll get there...
CALVIN KLEIN? No, no. That's my idea. They, they stole my idea. Y' see I had the idea of a cologne that makes you smell like you just came from the beach.
Ah, the mother lode!  (the door squeaks a bit as he pushes it open)
I don't think I can take another season with him, Jerry. He'll just trade away their best young prospects, just like he did with Beuner, McGee, Drabek... McGriff...
You'd think...
Jerry, he probably had a cold.
No, you'll never get a better deal than that.
Yeah?
Het, Mickey when do we get a break? My lap is killing me.
All right, look, one more bet. Double or nothing. C'mon.
I gotta find another shower.
I don't know, but that's New York and we're in Ohio. Those are pretty good odds.
(Starts to tilt back onto the couch) You better get me. (Falls back and Jerry starts to him upright) Get me up, Get me up, Get me up.
Brody, c'mon. He's just kidding. He's a joke maker. Tell him, Jerry.
Jimmy leg.
Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.
...So that's the bedroom. Here's the bathroom. If you need to, you can familiarize yourself with the kitchen...Yeah, go ahead and look through some of the drawers.
All right! OK! Right, here we go. Yeah. OK, so... 'For sale. A big, juicy van.' And, ooh, you gotta put down, 'interesting trades considered.'
Believe me George, you can count on Slippery Pete.
Oh? How do you figure?
(RE: CAR) I found it!
Yeah, the little father has run his hard out. They're gonna break his maiden.
Well, wow.
Hey, buddy, I got something to tell ya. (Elaine runs towards to the bathroom in lieu of answering Jerry's question.)
It's a myth. Besides, it makes sex more pleasurable.
Hey, I'll tell you what, Chubs, if that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week.
Jerry, how about you? 
Now listen Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much. But sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug.
let me go. let me go. Because I haven't talked to my mother in five years. We just don't see eye to eye. I don't even want to get into my childhood. I'm still carrying a lot of pain. A LOT of pain.
(rising) Flat out refused! (walks past Jerry, who moves his legs)
Oh, hi. I uh just came to say goodbye.
(holding bette) Don't worry Kramer is going to take care of everything. See,, I got you Pineapple. I saw Beaches last night for the fourth time (sings) 'You are the wind...'
Yeah, but this is so nice and thick. Ahoy there!
It's all up here, Jerry. All up here. It's innate.
They got you too?
No, no. Your not playing the game. 
Shell-shocked?
Thanks. (Kramer leaves, phone rings)
(Petting Smuckers) Yeah, this is Smuckers. I borrowed him. (Starts coughing)
Hey! They hooked me up.
Well, it better not. Paid for the whole year. So, should I pick those up later?
I'm goin' to California. You know, I got the bug.
what about?
Whooo, ... That's you! What is going on here? The gyp(?) he laughs at me then he steals my idea. I could have been a millionaire. I could have been a fragrance millionaire, Jerry. ... They're not going to get away with this.
What's that smell?
Most of them don't even have batteries.
So, what are you saying?
Well there ought to be ball men. 
What about me?
A sweat shop.
Need any help with those?
All right, let me call my bank. You stay here. (He calls)
Yeah, that's cool. Well, you gotta support your team.
I'm calling Jerry.
(walking toward the door) Look I don't have time to wait, I'm gonna be late.
All right, here we go, Death Blow. (Brody takes out video camera)
I'll tell you what to do, I'll tell you what to do. You go to Tor Eckman. Tor, Tor, he'll fix you right up. He's a herbalist, a healer, George. He's not just gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids, he is gonna change the whole way you function - body and mind.
So, uh, well, maybe I should just be honest with her, huh?
Naw, that's not my style.
There was an incident.
No, you don't have to. It's all about tickling their buying bone.
Now look, Rick. I'm very close to giving this car, that my celebrity friend is considering, my full endorsement. (Looks out the window) Oooh, Let's see if I can get a smile from these femininas.. (Yells out to them) Hey, Ladies! (Points to the car) It's the Saab 900! What do you think? Can I interest you in a little supplemental restraint?! (They obviously do something to offend him. Kramer reacts with a face) Geez... 
And it's a waste of my talent. It's just a little burning. Mickey, he got bacterial meningitis.
Yeah, I don't care for the name, either. In fact, that's one of the things that we argue about.
Why was I in charge of closing the door?
Oh...no.
Oh, this baby loves the slob, loves it, eats it up. Eats the slob. Born in the slob. His father was a mudda'.
Hey.
Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like a man! Lift your knees!
NNNN-Giddy-up!
Oh yeah, I'm here to pick up my friend George Costanza. 
I'm going home to spatula. (picks up the check and walks to the cashier) 
All right, ooh look at that Armani, huh, yeah.
Hey, hey, hey.
I can't I can't
Yeah, tell me about it, soul sister. (he opens the door to leave) Anyway, I told Jake that you said hi.
Yeah. Well, you ask for it, you got it.
Oh, Elaine. Yeah.
(Judging up his next move) As soon as the game is over..
She goes to these lengths to entice you and your only response is ' Gee I really like your picture. Would you like to go out on a date with me please. ' 
(Pointing at the dog) Yeah, we share the same affliction, so I'm gonna have a vet check us out.
Hey.
Come on, let him go. You want throw? Let's throw!
(yelling up at Jerry) Hey Jerry.
I'm shaving with it, and you know what I discovered?
Yeah, that's Jerry, you don't have to worry about him. Why don't you go across the hall and get started on that mail.
The slicer! Elaine, let's go.
(re buzzer box) What are you doin'?
Ah!
You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.
Hey! Just wait a minute. We just got here!
No, the acting bug. Ever since I was in that Woody Allen movie.
I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later.
I just kissed Gail Cunningham. (Jerry turns and looks at Kramer, shocked. Elaine grins and heads to the bathroom.)
Ooooh... You stink.
Yeah...
Drugs? You think he's on drugs?
How do those lifts feel?
Oh, well... I decided I'm not gonna do it.
Here you go, buddy. (shows it to Jerry).
Yeah, it's, uh, me.
Yeah.
Definitely.
(smelling) What's burning?
Brought my phone.
You better get the door.
Relax, he does that all the time.
No, no, he's out. He got out. See, the medical establishment, see, they tried to frame him. It's all politics. But he's a rebel.
Well, I'd say it nicely.
Elaine, I'm having a millennium party, so save the date.
(yelling) I'm starting a Peterman Reality Bus Tour. Check it out. Hahaha.
Would you stop it.
Oh, that's it. They have gone too far. They keep pushing me, and pushing me. Now I got no choice but to go down there... and talk to them.
(to the imaginary TV camera) Only in New York. ... ha ha
So!
Okay.
His mudda' was a mudda'.
Oh, no. There's nothing out there for me.
No, there it is, right there-- 133... and it's canceled.
Hey, did that guy show up?
Yeah, yeah me too. Yeah he was at the snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae. He had it all over his face. He was wearing that chocolate on his face like a beard and they got in there real nice and tight. And he's... (Imitates scooping up ice cream. Elaine and Jerry laugh) 
Oh yeah. 
So, you up next?
(mumbles) b'd b'd
Yeah.
Well, a bowl of muligatawny would hit the spot.
Oowe (Kramer noise -- he's eating something)
Look, I need the keys to your apartment, I gotta take a shower.
Eleven, corner pocket. (Pulls back on his stick, accidentally crashing it into the window)
George. It's the timeless art of seduction. You got to join in the dance. She sends you an enticing photo, you send her one right back. 
Oh, I'll take a vet over an M.D. any day. They gotta be able to cure a (Snaps his fingers in rhythm with his words) lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog (Stops snapping) - all on the same day.
Oh, Jerry loves the morning.
(hesitant) Uhm...
No, my face feels so good, I'm gonna use it all over my body.
He's a go getter!
The cat. Just grab that meat and let's ride.
(grabbing the key) You just had to go lookin' for it, didn't you? See, you hate it that I have a little secret. Anything I do -- oooh, oooh! -- you gotta know all about it. You're so OBSESSED with me.
(To Rusty) You know, I once knew a horse named Rusty. No offence.
Dng-ga-gng-ga-wt.
You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.
Hey Babaloo, you better get home. You know this guy Bookman from the library he's waiting for ya.
(getting up) I'll go get your hat, George.
I know, I know, but man! I never felt so alive! Now, are you coming with me?
Well, I can't!
Yeah, I kissed her.
You *stink*. Why don't you go take a shower?
Jerry
Tupperware.
*Fusilli* Jerry! It's made from Fusilli pasta. See the microphone?
All right, listen. I need some cash.
No, no, I would turn you in.
Maestro.
Yeah, hey Jerry, what's your licence plate number?
He's making a copy of the movie for sale on the street, hum?
He's holistic, George. He's holistic.
Well, you know, I really like this girl and I, you know, I think if I could just work out this one thing...
All right, so we let the girls decide.
Newman?
Whooa, good morning gentleman and Tony says hello to you.
It's Jell-O.
Oh! (turns on the Merv Griffin theme music) Heeeyy! Well, ladies and gentlemen! It's our good friend, George Costanza! What a surprise!
I've made an important life decision.
Let me talk to him.
You can smell me without the drink.
What did I just say?
Weather? I don't need weather. Weather doesn't do it for me.
Ok, c'mon... let's go check over at the ticket counter.
No, the guy with the big head and the flared nostrils.
Oh. Kramer. Pleasure. 
Yeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, uh Regis... actually, this is a true story. I umm I was skiing at the time.
Come on Jerry, open up. I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!
Yeah. It's an Indian soup. It's simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans in the modern era.
Nothin'.
There's no water pressure.
Well as you know I've always been something of a photog. 
Its killing me, I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I can see is that giant red sun in the shape of a chicken. (gets some cereal from the cubard and pours it in a big bowl)</font>
(Smiling) You bet we are! Huh, Smuckers? (Smuckers coughs. They turn to leave) I'll see ya.
Little Jerry Seinfeld. I named my chicken after you.
Yeah, yeah. Stick. (to Elaine) 'Cos I could still go to the coffee shop.
My intern from NYU. Well, you remember my corporation, Kramerica Industries.
Yeah, I'd like to cancel my mail.
Oo, y- what are you doing with her? (Jerry ignores him and exits)
(entering the condo, and going to the fridge as if he's a neighbor) Hey, buddy. When'd you get here?
See, showmanship. Maybe that's what my gonorrhea is missing.
(Watching Rusty's pulling of the rickshaw) Giddy up! Good form.
All right, what is your deductible?
Hey, all right, 600 Pappanick to win.
Ya know I hate to brag but, uh, I did win eleven straight golden gloves.
Alright, suit yourself. But let's keep this between us - we're key brothers now. (Gets up to leave.)
Shut up! I'll get my coat!
Right on the mouth.
Listen, we went in on a CD together.
Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna show you, and you'll never be the same.
Madam, I pray you're not toying with me. (Olive shows her long finger nails) Whoa. 
Alright, so you have a good show, huh buddy?
Not necessarily.
Well, it's uh, common courtesy.
I knew this was going to happen. I just made a delicious casserole, but now it won't keep because I have no Tupperware.
'Boy , you're looking sharp there Tim.'
In my spare time. (turns to George). You know, I'm working on one of you, George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find a pasta that captures the individual.
I just need it, that's all.
Phwap, I wouldn't even think about it.
This was set for 2 minutes. See?
Hey.
Yeah.
Yeah, well I think I spotted your car.
Wow. Man. What a day. Could I use a drink. (starts getting a drink and ice)
But I want to--
Well you're not exactly zeroing in yourself, lady.
Yeah, I wanna wear that shirt next time.
(reads) Come celebrate the millennium, with Newmanniun. Newman!
Jerry, it was a whirlwind. They whisked us backstage, the media is sworming, champagne is flowing...whooo! I can't describe how great it is to win.
This is tomato juice, look...(drinks from the bottle.)
Yeah, sit, sit, sit... Weeell! (laughing, clapping)
It was easy the last time.
Okay, well what am I drinking? What do you got?
(loungingly talking on phone) It's a par five. So you know I step up to the tee and I hit a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway. I mean you know my hook, right?
Don't step on anything.
No, no, I don't want it back. (Pause) Are you gonna watch the Knick game tonight?
Did you see that guy?
Hey, hey, hey! Look at what I got!
Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out and try that. You stay in school!
Turn on the TV.
SO...you're all in here together. How convenient. I hope you're all proud of yourselves.
He's not a Nazi. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.
Sure!
Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. You're the only one I know who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out.
Ah, they gave me the heave ho. You know, I don't think that Kenny Rogers has any idea what's going on down there.</font>
Of course it is. I picked it out myself.
Well, apparently NYU is very enthusiastic about their students getting some real world corporate experience.
Oh, no, no. I don't think you get me. I want out, permanently.
Aw right. I know I've been shooting off at the mouth lately; First with that girl whose life you destroyed and.. emm...about George dating a lady Jerry
(from inside) Security issue!
I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door.
Yes, yes I will! I'm gonna make people feel my gonorrhea, and feel the gonorrhea themselves.
Hey, what's he doin'?
Yes, because they've already deducted it.
I wouldn't have brought it up but since you mentioned it.
Up here, I'm already gone. (Kramer exits.)
Well, I saw her outside the Y, you know, she came up to me, she started yelling because I snubbed her, and then we started talking a little bit, and I walked her to her building. And just before I left, I put my arm around her waist, I pulled her to me, and I - mmm - I planted one! (Laughs.)
And Newman gave you money too. So, I didn't even meet this guy. You know, we trusted you.
Believe me, Jerry, somewhere in this hospital the anguished 'oink' of pig-man cries out for help.
Oh, all right. (Olive scratches, Kramer enjoys, Elaine and Jerry watch.) 
You must be kidding.
'Euh.. Fine , good , yeah! Just been occupying myself with some of your....hem reading material.'
Because *you're* silly. Get it? (hands the Fusilli to Jerry) Yeah...
I'm at the airport.
So my dear you think you can get to Broadway. Well, let me tell you something. Broadway has no room for people like you. Not the Broadway I know. My Broadway takes people like you and eats them up and spits them out. My Broadway is the Broadway of Merman, and Martin, and Fontaine, and if you think you can build yourself up by knocking other people down... ...GOOD LUCK... (exits)
What kind of person are you going around killing people?
(checks the car ahead of him) Hey, that's it! That's it. Hey, uh look, we got him. We're driving right behind him in a truck.
Jerry. Uh, can we talk?
Just comin' in, an' that phone just wouldn't stop.
Ashtrays?
That's right, 'cause they already saw it.
Will you calm down. I took all my blood down to Newman's. He let me put it in his meat freezer.
Well, I, uh, I like to think of this as my conference room. Yeah, it has a more formal atmosphere, you know, with the shelves, and the furniture.
Just a little burning during urination.
Just be yourselves. ( Elaine plays with her hair flirtingly)
All right.
Hey.
Will you tape it?
That guy.. He was just...
What happened?
You see the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table, it turns into a coffee table.
I'm puttin it on...
Wait a second. You don't even know how to order.
yep.
Getting some cereal</font>
Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production.
(shouting after car) Hey Jerry! Yeah, I'll see you back at the house!
Featuring the mind-blowing performance of Ms. Raquel Welch!
Well, this will really free up my time so I can focus on more important things, like my bladder system.
Oh, yes, I am.
Eyaaaya-ya-ya, I'll ask the questions. What happened?
I know you want me to keep my big mouth shut and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm never gonna talk again.
Yeah, your, uh, folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.
The haunting memories of lost love. May I? (signals to Mickey) Lights? (Mickey turns down the lights and Kramer lights a cigar) Our eyes met across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish haberdasher. Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so we danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would experience soon afterwards.
Well, then, he's out!
The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.
well it's a dog leg left, so I play the hook right? .. hold on there's another call.
Well I won them anyway.
Oh ah, yeah, I'm here for the audition.
She kissed me back.
Well, what else? Was he nervous? Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'?
What?!
Yeah, and they're fresh! Right out of the ocean.
Yeah. So long, Morty.
The patented burp, Jerry. It locks in freshness.
'Oh yes, yes indeed.'
We've been betting on arrivals and departures. (Newman rolls eyes) But I'm down $3200 , so you've gotta get me some cash.
Well,, if you'll kill this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next?
What is it blowing up?
Well we're in the country and we're right on his tail.
I'd like to talk to Jerry in private.
Yeah. Well, count me out. I'm swimmin'. Old man Leland is bustin' my hump over these reports. If I don't get 'em done by nine, I'm toast.. ((takes a swig and reacts))
First visit? Thirty-eight bucks.
Ooh, cereal bowls.
Mile one-fourteen, clean as a whistle.
Oh yeah yeah, George he came by and made more of those pudding skin singles. They're delicious.
Oh, well, um, Newman thinks that you, uh, evicted him?
Gonorrhea!
Well we're talking with Elaine Benes; Adult film star on the set of her new picture 'Elaine does the Upper West side'
(taking the paper and tearing it to pieces) I'm proud of you.
Did you hear about Martin?
Yeah. (He exits)
(Declaring) I'm out! 
[still lost] I know that guy...
Ya.
Jerry . . .
Boss!
(entering)  Hey.
Oh...yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their *vanity* plates.
No. No, Elaine!
(slapping Jerry on the back) Ah, he loved it.
Wheehh
That looked like milk to me! Jerry my Rods and Cones are all screwed up! Alright, that's it.  I gotta move in with you Jerry.</font>
Jer.
Aah, Jerry I'm not gonna let you bring me down from this high. I've been partying all night. I saw the sunrise at Liza's!
Jerry, it's not for people, it's for oil tankers.
The bank can pay 'em.
All right, let's uh, change the subject, ah. (looking at the yellow note cards) Now, uh you and uh, Jerry dated for a while. Tell us ah ... what was that like?
(taking notes on showering men at the YMCA) Now see, that's smart. Constant motion. Wow.
What do I need to talk for.. ha!, For to blab to the neighbors about George has a new fem-Jerry friend or to tell everybody at the coffee shop ho George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of some girl and his best friend. See now, I've done all that.....Now it's time for silence.
(clattering inside) That wasn't me!
All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.
Please! Please!! I take it all back, everything! I take it all back, every word! I love you! I love *you*! I can't live without you, I,ll, I'll do anything!
George?
Elaine. you don't know the first thing about first base.
Uh, let's see... well.
Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub!
No chance in hell!
I mean when he was leaving did he say 'I'm splittin''?
I know, it's great. And I saw Jane topless. (Jerry shows that 'damn' expression behind George)
There's no dinner. The bet's off. I'm not gonna do it.
Oh yeah, you talked to her.
'yeah, yeah, lets do that.'
Sure you do.
I thought I DID!
Cosmo, go. No, no, na, na. (he pushes the end button and pushes the antenna down) Boy this new telephone number's driving me crazy -- wrong numbers, every five minutes.
Yeah, don't worry Jerry. We're right on this guy like stink on a monkey! I'll check back with you.
Because it doesn't concern you.
(comes in, subdued) Hey. (grabs a water from refrigerator)
Heads up!
That was the wrong card.
Look... I've known Newman all my life, in the building, and you're all wrong about him. He's a model tenant. Portly, yes, but smart as a whip.
I'm doin' fine.
I can't believe he's in a coma.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (beat--holds up newspaper) Hey, we made the paper. Eh? Look at this- page 2, sports section... we're all in the picture.
You scream good.
It's me!
Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest. 
Wait wait George. You got room in the car for the pig-man huh?
Sister Roberta gave it to me. 
Ooo she likes you buddy (they to a high five hand shake)
Yeah, but maybe he was so mad from the penalty stroke that he murdered the dry cleaner.
(to the exiting Elaine) Yeah, well, listen. If you're going there, (following her out the door) maybe you can get him to tell you where he got those glasses. (shouting after her) Elaine!
Assman.
Yeah, yeah. It's being repaired.
I don't know.
Hey. (notices Elaine) What's wrong?
All right, thanks. (Kramer leaves)
Well my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.
No.
You see the idea is for a rubber ball inside the tanker so if it crashes, the oil won't spill out.
E-mail, telephones, fax machines. Fedex, telex, telegrams, holograms.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I-I'm watching you, too. But this guy's really showing me something!
Mmmm, that sounds great, Mom.
Yeah. I dropped an egg. Be careful.
Madeline and I are watching Quincy together. Jerry, you know this comes on at the same time here as it does there?
He's got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do?
(Angrily) Yeah, look I'm in the middle of something. Call back.
The way I figure it I've already been there and I plan on rounding second tonight at around eleven o'clock.
Yeah, I like him. Hey Jerry, what time you got?
What, are you locking the door now?
Ooh, so...I understand you're buying your shoes now at Botticelli's.
Whoh!
Yeah, I saw Jane topless. Well, we all saw her.
 Guess what?  I saw Newman talking to the super.
Ya well, there's no bet if I'm not doing it.
Yeah well we go way back.
'All right euhhm.....'
Oh help me man, I'm desperate!
Well it's 555-3455.
Wait a minute I need those keys. I wont be able to get into my apartment.
Well, it's a perfectly legitimate business.
Alright listen to me, I got a great idea. Now, you're a heavy sleeper, right? Why don't we just switch apartments?</font>
No. I was kicked out for fightin' with one of the players. (leaving)
(walking into Jerry's apartment with a fresh black eye) You got a steak?
All right.
Jerry, ninety four percent of communications is non-verbal. Here watch.
Whooooa! here's the director Jerry Seinfeld . Jerry , you discovered Elaine Benes?
That is *damn* good scotch. I could do a commercial for this stuff. Mmmmm, boy that Hennigans goes down smooth. And afterwords you don't even smell. That's right folks. I just had three shots of Hennigans and I don't smell. Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigans, the no-smell, no-tell scotch.
A picture.
Yeah, yeah.. (Notes their reactions) what? 
George, if the pig-man had a car, he would give you a ride.
I think she liked me. 
(surprised) Hey, hey hey hey. Hello!
Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
Yeah, yeah oh hey and a thanks for the balm. Yeah.
Jerry, look how tense you are... You need to take a soak.
Wait a second....
Where?
It's Pam.
I got three kitchens going. I got brisket going at Newman's, I got kugel working at Mrs. Zamfino's, this is kreplach. Here, try some of this.
That's East River.
(smiles) yeah.
(laughs too loudly) All right, let's take a short break.
Well, just one more errand and we can head back. 
Jerry's teasing. Uh-oh! Commercial. Oh, you going to the bathroom? Yeah. I'll go, too.
Right here at the mall.
Newman! He's good friends with him.
... so the ball takes of and I'm waiting for it to turn.
Funny.
Oh yeah, yeah, I got 20 copies.
When you getting it back?
I am dressed.
Gail Cunningham.
Yes!! Yes, that's what they do! They live in the bathroom! All right, what are we going to do? We are going to get our money back, right?
hey 
What?
Here, take my Jockey shorts.
 The super has keys to your apartment.  Don't you see what's going on? Newman is planning a sneak attack.
Yeah, well, I could do it. I don't wanna do it.
Who's to say it didn't?
(still under the effects of the Novocaine slurrs his words heavily) 'Yeah H'amon board.'
You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.
Yeah.
Of course, uh, this is Central Park. Uh, this was designed in 1850 by Joe Peppitone. Um, built during the Civil War so the northern armies could practice fighting on...on grass. Oh, yeah. Giddyup. On Rusty!
...Yeah I like Cadillacs (cautiously) Why ? What you got on your mind?
Newman, it's a dead-end, c'mon. (Jerry enters) Hey, there he is.
It's a business.
Jerry these are load bearing walls, they're not gonna come down!</font>
Well, uh.. it hurts when he swallows. Expecially when he drinks orange juice. (Vet gives him a look) I mean, uh.. dog food.. juice. (Adding) What's worse - he has a nagging cough. (Smucker's coughs) Yeah, that's it. That's it.
And they made it their sign, because, Van Buren, our 8th President, was the man they most admired.
(stops) W--Reggie Miller.
... Okay ah, (checks his watch) We're back!
Ah, people in this city are crazy.
Well, you won't regret it.
Well it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man love towards she-Jerry.
(immaturely) I guess.
Hey. (snuggling really close to George) I'm going to tell you what I think. I know you don't care what I think, but I'm going to tell you. I think that you are terrific.
Hey!
Uh-huh.
Huh?
You know, I faked it.
Be realistic George.
Liked me. 
That's true. That's right.
Afternoon, Mom! Afternoon, Pop. You know you got a crack in the sidewalk out there? Now, you oughta get that fixed.
(evasive) Ohh, nothing, nothing.
Alright, that's enough out of you, there's still three more games left in this series, my friend, and it's far from being over. Very far from being over. (Notices a car coming right towards Puddy, who's crossing the street) Watch out!
Come on, I'm tellin' you, it's great. I opened up all the windows... the air is cold, the tub is boiling hot... It's like Sweden, man. Sweeeeden!
I'll just snag the lock with this. auhh...  Here we go...
Ah, I got it.
The discount pharmacy?
I love her, Jerry!
Eat, eat! You're skin and bones.
Technically Norfok has more gross tonnage.
Oh, yeah. As long as I stop getting mail!
I think we are looking half a millimeter.
Oh? Well, how much gas do you think is in there right now? 
(from inside Jerry's apartment) OK! (door opens)
So What scene are you ready to shoot now , Elaine?
Well I don't, I'm guessing.
He's got all of my attachments, you know.
Yeah, I'll talk to Jerry. Yeah, [Hangs up] . . . you know that was Michael and Carol. She's wondering when we're going to come over and see the baby.
What's that?
Really.
Next week? How come it's takin' so long?
Yeah. Hey I want you to hear something.
Well, you know, we were just talking, and uh she mentioned how you're buying your shoes now at Botticelli's.
(grabbing the sweater) Yeah.
ma&ntilde;ana I'm doing nada 
 Yeah, alright, fine.  You sit there and you watch while Newman takes over the world.  But he'd be a horrible leader.  And you know who's gonna suffer?  The little people; you and George.
And it could be done.
Hey. I uh, brought back your record player, huh.
'Wellhum....He th'aid I gotta cut out the SsssfKittles.'
That's right.
(relaxing) ...oooohhh yeeaaah... aaahhh... (he is really enjoying this)
What's Filk?
Mary Kay uh?
(to Newman) Aw, that's right, we forgot about those.
He's a friend of a friend. You know Corky Ramarez up on 94th Street? One day he and I are playing Pachinco--
Hah?
I may have to drive that place out of business.</font>
(Offended) What? No. That's disgusting..
You know, if you like that one, I got more.. what are you looking for? Romance? Comedy? Adventue? .. Erotica? (Clicks his tongue)
Yeah. (leaving)
(applying the steak to his eye) Thanks, buddy. Oh... yes! Hey, you got any A1, 'cause I'm cooking a steak.
That's the idea.
All right, Jerry. Let's see if you can get it in your head that this is not an Easter egg hunt for your childish amusement. (shuts door)
I know, I know. Don't I look more relaxed?
Ok, here's the deal. He wants you to acknowledge that you cut him off with an 'I am sorry' wave.
What, you took a cab?
Yeah.
Yea.
No. I think I picked up on a vibe. 
Oh, it's on file, right here. (points to his head)
Look, you gotta help me. I have to get off Jockey shorts.
Ma?
Oh, I, I need a pen.
Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
You know, I don't even know why you're fooling around with this ring. I've been telling you, get yourself some plugs. Or a piece.
Yeah, put these glasses on.
Well, George has gotta be happy about this.
(putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. Refrigerator problem, is solved.
Whoa, whoa. Can't? When did that word enter your vocabulary? What, is the job too difficult? (Jerry nods) What, you don't have enough experience? (Jerry shakes his head) Oh, you're not smart enough? (Jerry shakes his head) Where's your confidence? (Jerry shrugs his shoulders) Look, Elaine, let me tell you a story. When I first studied karate...
I love her!
I saw a couple of other guys out there.
Oh, I've cut slices so thin, I couldn't even see them.
You know, Rick, oftentimes, Jerry - he lends me his car and I find myself in a situation where the car is almost out of gas. But, for a variety of reasons, I don't want to be the one responsible for purchasing costly gasoline. 
You drank a whole bottle of water.
That's my Chinese food...So George is this your first movie with Elaine?
What, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Doctor Kavorkian?
Yeah.
Yup, yup!
Um-hm.
I said how come it's takin' so long?
People do, I don't.
Hey, Georgie, I saw you on TV yesterday. 
Ooo, What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet?
Hey.
Hi
 Oh.  I talked to Arthur Jobanian.  Yeah, the Drake's wedding?  That's off.
I don't want the levels!
Yeah.
'Ohhh H'am loaded.'
Why?
Oh Movie Phone.
(to George) Well listen See you later ..thanks for driving me by..
Man, we're missin' the Death Blow!
Jerry, it's kreplach. It's an acquired taste, yeah.
Like we did in the sixties, takin' in to the streets.</font>
(stops again) Well, first of all, for some reason, they started the game an hour Late. And uh, I was sittin' next to Spike Lee an' he an' Reggie were jawin' at each other, so I guess I got involved. (leaving)
Come on.. Come on. Yes! (Sees a falling star) There's one! (Yelling out) I wish I don't drop dead!!
Yeah, a different one.
(makes a zipper gesture to his mouth) ..Weeeeeepp!!
Hey, is that T-bone?!
You raise the hand, lower the head-- 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The buttons are really big on the car. I don't understand it. I haven't read the manual. Ooh!' You get my drift.
How much do you make?
I thought we were friends...
Pay dirt!  (holding up the hand full of gloves. He looks behind himself as the door closes)
Hey, pistol-packin mama, you swing that gal around, Allemande left with the old gray hag, around and around you go. Yee-ha!!
Well you know, if it's enough already and I just wanna get some sleep.
Yeah, Jerry I'm telling you I have this power. And I have no control over it. 
Very low! Come on, Jerry. Take 'em.
Well, I'm making out my will. Oh, I got a big slice of dough for you, buddy. And you too, Elaine, I haven't forgotten you.
Oh, man. You know, you're crazy. You're a good looking guy. What do you want to walk around like that for?
Yeah, well Lloyd, he's gonna be here any minute now.
Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable. Alright, I take what I want.
We ran outta space.
Hey! Did you hear the bank on the corner is offering a 100 dollars if you go in there and they don't greet you with a hello?
Yeah, karate. I had no support. Not from him, not from Newman, no one. The first time I sparred with an opponent, I was terrified. My legs, they were like noodles. But then I looked inside, and I found my katra.
Oh, she's uh...she's real. She can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan.
My whole lot?
Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there.
Well, I guess I just assumed.
(In the spotlight, his voice goes high) Well, I make it up to him in other ways. 
So why don't you just go?
So Elaine in your movies is the sex real or is it simulated?
So what's going on between you and Gina?
Is that a problem?
Wait wait, hold it, hold it. Look who's over there. Don't look, don't look! It's Fred Savage.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, where did you take it?
Yeah you were at the snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae. 
Well its a Bordeaux. Robust, bold, very dry. As opposed to a Beaujolais -- which is richer and fruitier. Ahh, here's one. Twelve dollars.
Look, she didn't mean anything.
Oh, hey, hi buddy.
 The Drake, he found out that the wedding is on the same day as the Super Bowl.  So he wanted to postpone it, they got in a big argument and *phlf* it's over.
So, how you feeling?
'Well he said that humm.. you know.that it helps his pathients relax a little bit..and he's got a new polithy: Adults only.'
Have you ever *met* a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. *Plant* yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they *stuck* something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: 'It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.'
Jerry he's a conductor.
So, I'm Filk?
 Oh, mama.
Here. I write it down. (he writes) 'One cupcake.' And then I put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it into the bowl) There. Very simple.
The recipe was for four to six people; I had to multiply for a hundred and eighty-three people. I guess I got confused.
Need some more matches.
That's a lotta yearning, huh?
Hey, you should see the Berkhardt, Jerry. My mile is spotless. I mean the big stuff was easy. Cinderblocks, air-conditioners, shopping carts (makes sound - fzup!), I just rolled 'em into the woods.
You shut up!
Jerry!
that's right......Aye oooh!! ...Right now.
Heyyyy! (bangs the table in frustration and grabs the key)
Well, why no T-bone?!
C'mon.
I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me?
It's terrible!
Hey. (He's carrying a suit cover. He hangs it on Jerry's coat hooks)
Oh, that's my phone.
Na, I am down 
I guess she was hot.
Jerry, look! You gotta help me! I can't have 'em near me! If I have one pair in my house, I'm gonna wear them!
So...how was the dinner last night?
You got that straight.
Oh! There's my phone. (He leaves)
Well, he thinks you wear those.
Ah, Tony, he's good.
Now what's with you?
Yeah, your spirit, your, uh, being. The part of you that says, 'Yes, I can!'
Oh, and that voice!
(Thinks) 1500 dollars.
(stops again) Well I.. ran out onto the court an' threw a hotdog at Reggie Miller. 'Involved.' An' they threw meee, an' Reggie, an' Spike out o' the game.
Yeah, that's a hall of famer.
Ah, gentlemen.. bagels on the house!
Ouch!!..........Now!!
Yes! All right, Lamar, back it up a little bit so we can get out now.
Don't you get tired of following rules?
Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret. (singing) h-e-double n...
(looks shocked) Oh sure, the guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson?
Uh, uh.
He'd be perfect for my movie. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. (takes a deep breath) I gotta go over there, I gotta give him a copy of my treatment.
No.
Yeah.
They're on a different flight. They're scheduled to land in a half hour, only at Laguardia.
I saw her last week, she looked healthy and peaceful, but...she knew...
Yeah... I do great, yeah.
Well, thank you.
Oh, the cameras was, vrooom, there. The announcers, they made a couple of cracks about you. 
All right look, I am going to have to pay you back later. I don't have my wallet.
She's just being enthusiastic, that's all!
Eight hours of jingle belling and ho ho hoing. Boy, I am ho'd out.
Uh huh. Your back hurt?
'Yeah!!!'
Well, he's still a conductor.
Oh, Mama.
They're from the lost and found at the Alex.
No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em all up, and you give me the bill.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
Well I also dropped it on the way over. Look I'm in trouble, I got no skills. I can't peel, I can't chop, I can't grate. I can't mince! I got no sense of flavor, obviously. You know, I gotta talk to Frank.
(reads) Three hundred dollars. Hey, Mr Oh, how much would these run you in Tokyo?
I met some people smoking on the street, so I invited them up to my apartment to smoke.
Yeah, well, what you need is some summertime adolescent high jinx.
(holding up a sign) Speed limit, one hundred and sixty-five miles per hour. See? They slipped a one in there. (laughing) Those kids with the spray paint, God love 'em.
Here you go, here you go, check it out.
(to the Chinese delivery boy) How much do I owe you?
I'll tell you how much I make.
Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C'mon, Jerry, the masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single...
Yeah, of course I got it at Joe's.
Hey, George! (Holds out his hand. George shakes it - a hand buzzer goes off. George starts freaking out. Kramer laughs)
It the worst haircut Jerry's ever had. You gotta fix it. 
No, no, she got up, she walked around...
So, what do you think? Does this work?
All it takes is one pair! Now, come on! J--
Did you enjoy the duck? (Elaine comes back from the bathroom.) Oh, Elaine! I was just asking how dinner went last night.
Oh, come on, Jerry. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn't have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don't rob somebody, if you know their name!
Well I got a cut on my head and I banged my shoulder. (He has a large Band-aid on his forehead)
(offering the artichoke can) 'Choke?'
Oh. Come on.
So I listened to my katra and now <vreep> I'm dominating the dojo. I'm class champion.
Pam? Oh, it's a beautiful name. (Kramer sits on the couch.) Pam. Pam. Pam!
(Excited) Done!
Well I, well I, felt, pretty bad about everything an' uh, then the three of us, we went to a strip club. (leaves)
What are they doing here?
Alright, here we go. Yeah, watch that baby slide...(Puts a slice of meat under the door.)
Oh, fantastic! (Jerry and George both pick out a bagel) It felt so good to get my hands back in taht dough.
Oh, yeah I'm back. Hey, you wanna play cards over the phone?
I went back with Ellen.
Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to? It's organic.
Can I get in on that?
Uh, uh, you see that's the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what did you do?
Well, I'm just a little nervous. OK, I gotta relax. Phew. Wish me luck, huh?
Uhm...
What? Jimmy Sherman?
Where do I know that guy from?
I...I...
Wet and wild.
That you had ice cream all over your face. They were talking about how funny you looked. 
Because I don't like to carry my wallet. My Osteopath says that it's bad for my spine. It throws my hips off kilter. (makes a motion with his hips)
I take baths.
Well Elaine, when you're shopping on Madison Avenue, you don't want to skip on the, swank.
Hey.
Well, it's obvious, you know. You're carrying a lot of extra baggage up there.
'Well you know its.. great. You know, no kids ..allowed. you don't have to watch your language.'
Oh, you should see him do 'Flight of the Bumble Bee'.
Let's go get him.
Oh. Okay. So he'll just think that the two of you didn't sit with him on purpose. Ooh yeah, that's very nice. Very nice.
Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?
I know, it's a long story.
No I gotta talk to him, I know that he can help me, Jerry.
(shocked) Thirty thousand?! These are practically free.
Well somebody had to. You know, just because a person's a smoker, that doesn't mean he's not a human being.
(looking at 'Gene' rack) See what doctor Gene prescribes, huh? (pulls down a cassette) Oh, here, look at that. Weekend At Bernies Two. Now, that's an hilarious premise.
Well, I just got your invitation to the Newmanniun party.
Peterman's book is big business. People want to know the stories behind the stories.
Oh, hey, uh, listen, Jerry, uh, laundry's pilin' up there. You might want to tell your girlfriend. Mmm. Yeah.
$15.90.?
(does a double take) It's too busy
You ever seen Michael Jordan?
Hey. Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not crazy. I mean, I may look weird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying to make it in this business. You know I really like your work, the, uh...
It's Pagliacci!
Yeah--
You know what I'm gonna do? (heading for the door) I'm gonna return this.
What?!
Yeah yeah yeah.
Of course. She's got a great body, buddy. All right, I'm gonna go upstairs, I'll be right back.
No way!
Boxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that--they're baggin' up, they're rising in! An' there's nothing holding me in place! I'm flippin'! I'm floppin'!
Alright, what did you do to Poppie?
Woah, woah, come on.
Well, I'm gonna get your picture, and you're gonna participate in my program.
(on phone) A turkey sandwich. A side of slaw, ... you want whit e meat or dark?
Oh, yeah?
If a guy saved your life you'd be in love with him too.
Sure you have.
Oh, it's incredible. Although, I might replace her tortoise clip with one of those velvet scrunchies. I love those.
I'm off hot water.
Giddyup. You're a cowboy now.
Okay.. (To Elaine) Well, I, Uh.. I like to work in the evenings.. (Elaine slumps back, and covers her head in misfortune)
All right, all right. Now what're we gonna do?
Oh no, I don't think so.
No, I didn't make these bagels. (Jerry and George both take a bite) Yeah, they're day-olds. The homeless won't even touch them. (Jerry and George stop eating) Oh, we try to fool them by putting a few fresh ones on top, but they dig.. they, they test.
Buddy Hackett?
Is Elaine going?
Ah, what kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?
I never had an air conditioner.
Yeah, I know the guy. I take my stuff in there all the time. Yeah, I bet I can get your watch back by tomorrow morning.
Well,
Heey.
Oh, yes.
Well I'll tell you it wasn't a pretty sight. 
I never take it.
What am I gonna do!? Jerry! I'm goin' CRAZY in these things! (leaves)
Huh, oh hey, look at this. (he pulls a little tube out of the bag) It's the super hydrating, triple-action moisturizer, hmm.
I got it! This time, I got it!
Oh, yeah. Top floor. (sits beside Frank) Listen, Frank, have you ever considered wearing something for support? Now, look at this. (reaches into his pocket) Mind you, this is just a prototype.
'He..he... When they pull that needle out I let the expletives fly.'
Yes I am. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other at our word, all is lost.
My stuffed cabbage!
Well you can confine them, you can punish them, you can cram them into the corner, but they're not going away, Jerry.
Yeah. (taps the Weekend At Bernie's II box)
(suddenly comes back, excited) The Knicks killed 'em a hundred an' ten to seventy three!
(getting worked up) You knew I was having a millennium party, but you just had to throw yours on the same day!
I'm only charging $37.50, plus you get a pizza bagel and desert.
It's ok, Jerry. I'm right here.
He's sleeping with his maid!
Hey, Jerry, crank up the Floyd. It's a George laserium!
Yeah, it's a windshield.
What guy?
Maybe you'll see him do one of those three-sixty dunks.
Yeah, I can't remember the name of it.
Why? What happened?
Jerry this peach is sub par.
(Laughing) But, it's only a toy!
Look, if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing while you defile this woman, you're crazy.
Well, he's in the hospital. And the cook says you put him there.
Double?
Hips! See, it's all hips.
Yeah.
Yeah, white meat. And if I see one piece of dark meat on there. It's your ass buster.
Ah, Mr. Weatherbee.
Well I couldn't help it, you saw what she was wearing.
(waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab.
Oh. Yeah, I been getting HBO and Showtime for free. See, they just found out about it, so now they wanna come and take it out.
(takes a breath)
What?
You follow your katra, and you can do anything. (leads her to the door) Now get out of here.
Oh, I know what I want, Jerry.
Shh, shh.
Well, I'm on the phone with Bob, and I realize right then and there that I need to return this pair of pants. So, I'm off to the store.
All right, I'll take Julie.
(shouts to the telephone) Hi George!
Well, you're not checked at on it.
What's wrong?
I know.
Well, I knew him as well as she did.
There is no coma etiquette. You see that's the beauty of the coma, man. It doesn't matter what you do around it.
Why? It gets hot at night, you can't sleep. You ever tried to sleep in a really hot room?
No, I'd be happy to. He's a friend of mine.
Well, I'm off to the links.
Oh, I get by.
Huh? Yeah.
Hey.
Wait till that Uma smells this Uva.
No, no, no she can't tell. It's a perfect match. Beautiful job.
No, no. A bra is for ladies.
'Well.. Aye can't hold the water.'
Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
You wanna go get him?
Yeah, nothing. We're still following him.
Yeah.
(approving) Yeah.
No, Jerry--that's thirty-seven points! The Knicks covered! You won! See, that's a cooool-G, Daddy-O--now you gotta let it riiiide!
Hey, you need some roadwork done? 'Cos I met some maintenance guys today on the highway, they could probably help you out.
Yeah, well you're gonna have to cancel it, because I've told everybody about my party.
Bite-size Three Musketeers. Just like the real Peterman eats.
That knife, it nicked your jugular. You know Jerry, when somebody yells 'heads up', you're not supposed to actually look up.
What's Festivus?
I found it on the road.
Do you think that I forgot what you two said about her?
You got butchered.
Whoa, whoa!!
Who are you talkin about?
Oh, it's like this, here, you guard me.
Yeah, my mind's a blank, I'm sorta nervous, you know, uh...
That?s fantastic! We'll scalp the tickets, we'll make maybe five hundred a ticket.
I want restitution.
A hand model?
That's right, because I'm going to see it doesn't happen. Look, Jerry, these girls are Miss America contestants. It's every little girl's dream. And I'm not going to let you trample that dream and make a mockery of everything the pageant stands for.
I don't know! I'm gonna go and visit him later. (angrily) It would be nice if you got him something. (Punches the the table to accentuate this, and leaves.)
You got that straight.
You gotta come through with the hips first.
Why?
Meet, the bro.
yeah, all right, yeah.... (hangs up) They don't have any. But don't worry I'm going to get you one somewhere.
Sure do.
Oh, was he? Was he? I guess the cable man doesn't like to be kept waiting.
Wait a second, he's getting off. Yeah, he's gonna be going south on the one-thirty-five.
(still trying to sit down, says under his breath) I'm trying. {hard to make out}
You stop it man.. you're FREAKING ME OUT!!!
That kid is gonna be all right.
Oh, she's a dreamboat. But, you don't like her, so...
Oh yeah, like strawberry pie.
Well, nothing. His part of the story is done. (Elaine covers her face with her hands - showing her difficulty coping with Kramer) So I'm waiting for the subway, It's not coming, so I decided to hoof it through the tunnel.
All right, I'll take Karen.
Yeah, 5.
Well, where the meat goes?
So I, I didn't do anything wrong.
(pointing) You can go over here.
So what are you saying, you don't want me to intervene?
I'd give him 24 hours to get out of it. They can't get out of it in 24 hours, it's a land rush.
Well, I slept in really hot rooms and I wanted to kill myself.
Hey, I'm going to get that watch back for you by tomorrow, buddy. You see.
(looking around) Look at this building. What is this?
Listen, I want to thank you for the invite up state. I'm sorry I can't make it.
Ah, Yeah Yeah, I have a - I have a question, um -- What do you know about inter-abdominal retractors?
I'd like to have shoehorn hands. 
hey 
I got a stone.
Hey Bania, what's happening? (Kramer, looking into the mirror, is putting moisturizer under his eyes)
'Hey Jimmy'
You better believe it.
Hey!
Nothing, I'm gonna finish watching The Other Side Of Darkness.
(real addict) Ah, come-on, Jerry--I don't wanna lose this feeling. Hey--let's go down to the O.T.B. We'll put some money on the ponies. (getting out pocket-watch)
Oh yeah, yeah. I borrowed some cones from them when I was sweeping my car-pool lane.
(worked up) Well, what am I gonna do? I got over two hundred folding chairs, and quite a bit of ice.
No. I eat those. I'm the real Peterman.
Anyway, you were lucky that I was there. You lost a lot of blood.
From now on when we pass each other in the hall, I don't know you, you don't know me.
(to a fleeing Audrey) Where are you going?
KEITH HERNANDEZ?
Yeah.
Ok, but I got this...
Yeah.
Because it's no good.
(To George) Really? Let me see your hands.
Hey.
AAAH! No buts! Those are my rules.
Joe's?
Now that's impossible.
Since when are you so trendy?
Here you go.
You remember what they did to me ten years ago? 'Oh, we'll be there in the morning between nine and one', or 'We'll be there between two and six'! (quiet anger) And I sat there, hour after hour, without so much as a phone call. Finally, they show up, no apology, tracking mud all over my nice clean floors. (malice) Now, they want me to accommodate them. Well, looks like the shoe's on the other foot, doesn't it?
Alright, alright, I'll follow him.
No you can't, Jerry.
I know it's not what the ladies like. But without some solid sack time, I'm a zombie.
Well, I don't know if I lost track of time - or what, but the next think I knew..
All right, which one is Julie? (They walk over to the table and fight over who sits where) Hey, you ladies look lovely tonight. (Continue to struggle)
Where do you turn it on?
Why don't ya' leave?
(turns away and spots George) George! (leaves scene)
Hey, you know they were supposed to do my scene today?
NOTHING LEFT! That's why I'm trying to get that vacuum cleaner. Because somebody's going to grab it.
Stupid table. You know, I'm not normally like this, usually I'm very cool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but I think it's fate that you happened to be here at the same time as me.
I was never able to become a banker.
I get that too. (exits)
(indicating) The door's on a diagonal.
It's Grossbard!
Hey!
Hey.
I sure am.
what? 
A kidney stone.
Well, thank you.
Hey! wait a second. You didn't say hello.
Hey there.
Yeah, about two hours.
(looking at watch) Ssssh--ah! They just closed!
Cubed.
Talk to me.
(Spraying his flowers) Hello, neighbor.
Oh yeah, you've got three pints of Kramer in you, buddy.
Can you believe somebody threw this out? You know I'm going to make a coffee table out of this and surprise Tina.
It'll take you ten seconds.
Wait, wait, wait, I'll go with you.
Yes! Yes! I won, hey (shouts to cashier)
What, are you kidding? Opening night Pavarotti and Pagliacci. Ha, we're gonna clean up!
It's still your fruit, you gotta stand behind your fruit.
Let's see.. (studies them) oh, those are nice. You know, I've never noticed this before? They're smooth.. creamy.. delicate, yet (Turns to Jerry) masculine.
Okay listen to me. I talked to Gino, he's going to fix the haircut. 
I came by to get my ball. 
Now, if you want to go out and have some good, wholesome fun with a nice girl, I'd be glad to help you out...if you're looking for something more than that, you've got the wrong guy, buddy! (Jerry tries to get a word in during this entire speech, but Kramer won't budge an inch.)
Talk to me baby.
Do you handle any of that commercial...real estate?
Well, is it good?
'Go Jimmy'
You'll be pleased to see what's inside.
I say we get him.
Oh, you don't wanna get on my bad side.
Yeah, hey listen, I can't. It's gonna be taking us out of our way.
Oh, no you don't.
(pleading) Aww, c'mon, man. Meet me halfway.
Yeah, she shot in that coma pretty quick.
No, I slipped - and fell in the mud. Ruining the very pants I was about to return.
But where does the meat go?
I'm getting my pot.
You know they told me that they wanted me to walk down the block carrying this bag of groceries.
What's that red dot on your sweater?
You know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach
I got this treatment I think you'll be great in.
Yeah, yeah. If I can't be banker, I don't wanna live.
(looking around) It's architecturally incorrect.
When I lived on Third avenue and 18th street 20 years ago, I had this roommate who was *always* behind in his rent. Then one month, he asks me to loan him his share of the rent-- 240 bucks! He took the cash and >pfffft< disappears. Well, I try to find him, I went to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Uh-uh. I never got the money back! He screwed me! And that's the guy-- John Grossbard!
What card?
Well, the camp ended a few days early.
But you *will* use... a retractor.
It felt like 8 seconds. 
he asked me 
If you were Miss America, what would you do to make the world a better place?
It's a, it's a stony mineral concretion, formed abnormally in the kidney. And this jagged shard of calcium pushes its way through the ureter into the bladder. It's forced out through the urine!
No, this is vintage. They don't make this stuff anymore.
No he's not going to take it off. If he was going to go over there bald, I never would have introduced him.
Hey, Jerry? You're a smart guy, right?
I've been drinking Caf&eacute; Latte since the fifth grade and I haven't looked back.
No no you didn't ...Hundred dollars.. I get a hundred dollars.
Okay, Joey.
Go get 'em, Death Blow! (To Brody) You okay?
I gotta invite Jerry. He's my buddy.
Understand?
So, what's George doing?
Oh, you gotta mulch. You've got to.
Frank invented a holiday? He's so prolific!
wow
Y-Yeah, all right.
Alright, so you'll need my frequent flyer number, huh?
So...
Oh, yeah, thanks. (gets ball) Yeah, it's got the magic grip. How d'you think I bowled that two-twenty today, huh? (sees Indian) Yo! Where did this come from? 
Let me taste it.
You're cut of the loot. Stubs gave me 200 dollars for the autographed birthday card that was inside.
Oh yeah!!
What...?
I know.
Well, I guess I was..
Oh yeah, yeah. Give me a ring tomorrow. I'm gonna be at emergency callbox seven-eight-four.
Yeah, hello, Jerry's place.
So I start to walk, and I trip, and the grocery bag goes flying, and Woody, Woody starts laughing.
Tell me about it!
So I'd like to give it to you.
MUST be banker.
OK come on, let?s go get the tickets.
No, I'm gonna turn around... I'm gonna get that guy...
Yeah, yeah. Of course. I took it.
Uh, well there was an incident.
Mmm-hmm... (turns and walks away, makes a face, raises his eyebrows, nodding his head, then turns back to the group.)
No buts. His apartment tonight, Eight o'clock. 
you know I think you are in love with him 
I sure am.
See, that stinks. You can't eat that. You should take that back.
Yeah that's it. All right, I'm going to go down to the precinct. I'm going to have lunch with Lou.
Alright, you know I'm supposed to go on this special tour today with George's girlfriend.
I've always wanted to see this.
Hey, Jerry, look who's here.
Well, I don't know what to do.
No, No You said Hey!
No, we're in the same class.
Well, it's no wonder. You ate that entire bag of candy.
So listen, I'm going to crab a bite to eat at Sardi's. You wanna go?
What? When did this happen?
(Ringing his wind chimes) Right after the fireworks.
hell-oo
Wait, wait, . . .y-yea, w-no dit dit g- (Kramer noises)
You know this whole place is going vrrrrrrrrrrrrt, downhill. I could have come in here last week with a bad plum but I let it go.
Yeah..
(unbelieving) I can have this?! 
What advice would you give young people?
You did.
Hey you know, my arm really hurts.  I wonder if its gonna affect my golf swing.  
Oooooh ...Pops .... Wow!! Spectacular.
Hey buddy. I am waiting for my shirt.
Huh?
Elaine, are you listening?! I didn't even get there! (Pauses) All right, next story..
I said Cubans. What'd you think I meant?
Hey.
Oh yeah, he was drinking something, it started to come out of his nose.
(bumping into a lamp) Alright, excuse me. Uh wait, wait.
No.
I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.
I'd love to watch the operation, yeah!
I don't know. 
no no no, I don't think so. You love him 
Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt very badly about what happened to you, and they wanted you to have this.
(interrupting Bania) That don't make you look high-waisted.
All right, I'll take it back. I'm going by there.
Hey I'm really sorry about the other day. Really sorry.
Yeah, but before I met up with her, I stopped to look at the monkeys, when all of a sudden I am hit in the face with a banana peel. I turn and look and there is this monkey really laughing it up. Then someone tells me that he did it. Well, I pick up the banana peel and I wait for that monkey to turn around. And then I *whap* let him have it.
Well, yeah, lets do it uh?
Oohh.
Yeah. 
The add said that the bank's gonna pay a hundred dollars if you are not greeted with a hello
He almost beat me.
The Tony is taking me to Sardi's.
(yelling) DARREN!
Oh, no, uh, he's got my Calamine lotion and uh, I told him not to return it. If he needs it he should keep it. He's got uh, he's got a thing on his ankle.
Oh now you don't want my business.
Excuse me. What happened to the man, that was in this room before?
Oh. I'll lug. 
This is important stuff! She's got to be able to answer these questions. She's not going to have time to think, out there, with millions of people watching her. Any hesitation could cost her the crown. You know, poise counts.
So you're bringing Danny Tartabull to the fundraiser tonight.
Hey.
'HEY I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN!!!'
Hey!
No, not in so many words but I believe we had an understanding. (winks)
I didn't have any quarters for the dryer. Anyway this is better. And it's more convenient.
Huh?
Yeah, yeah, chew on that.
Jerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in this country. That's why I got these guys.
We're putting in cable.
Oh boy. Woop...
I got a line in the movie!
Oh yeah!
Yeah, so?
Yeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital and then they canceled the rest of the week.
Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open -- His guts'll be all over the place...
You're not going to believe what happening with Leslie. You know, ever since you agreed to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show, she's been getting all these orders from boutiques and department stores..
Why, what...?
Me too.
Jerry, you should care. Cantaloupe like this should be taken out of circulation.
Well, he started it!
Heeeeey...
Yeah, let's all enjoy a chew, huh?
Yeah, it's my left arm, I can't swing it!
He jumped. 
Well, I don't know what to do man!
No, I want to speak to the manager.
We're all at the same skill level, Jerry.
I'm going.
Jerry let me ask you something, hi Elaine...  (pats her on the shoulder twice.)
I hate KEITH HERNANDEZ - hate him.
(Thinks) No, I don't think so.
But what am I gonna do for fruit?
You know. (HE PUSHES HIS NOSE UP WITH HIS THUMB).
hello 
Oh yeah, like last year? Miss Texas? Now, she should have won easily, but she lost points in the swimsuit competition.
Oh. Cotton Dockers!
Nothing.
Maybe I will.
Well Stubs has already sold it to some guy who's kid's in the hospital .
And I have a lot more control. I have one shirt going for 10 minutes at 325 degrees.
Huh-yah! (Kramer loses it and runs out past George, who is still sitting in the hallway on a chair.)
Jerry, if the man is in pain...
Oh, hey, listen, by the way - I'm hosting a little get-together tonight in honor of my little financial upturn..
Allison. Hi. Uh--listen: I'm really sorry about what happened at the game last night. Listen--could I have a ticket tonight--'cause the Rockets are in town an' that, Hakeem Olajuwon? Ohhh--he's got a real attitude.
Yeah, yeah. I got investors all lined up.
Oh, we have to do this now.
Well, just tell me everything, huh?
I, I saw her naked.
That's a nipple.
Mickey Mantle.
Hey!
...They'll saw through bone.  Uuuuuuuing yutyutyutyutn naannnaaa [makes saw noises while gesturing over Roy's chest] You'll see what's *inside* bone...
Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. (Starts unzipping the suit cover)
Well, we're not very close.
Uh, 42.
How much are you down altogether?
Sure. I will.
(cries out) WELL I SAID I'M SORRY.'
Well, he pushed my buttons, I couldn't help it, Jerry.
Oh...four. (to waitress) Yeah, could I have a cup o'tea? Boiling hot.
Oh, boy.
Well what happens if I can't play like I was? What about the tour, and all my dreams?
Yeah. Newman jumped. 
Then I'll be back.
I got carpool. (exits)
So now he wants her more than ever!
Oh, thank you, thank you so much. I have so many people I want to thank and don't want to forget anyone...
Oh, man. I think I cooked myself.
This guy leaves this jacket at my mother's house two years ago. Now, she hasn't spoken to him since and now he says he wants the jacket back.
I don't like it.
(STILL HOLDING HIS NOSE UP ) This doesn't look familiar to you?
Well she should be the one that shouldn't go. 
who? 
Tape her breasts together. (Jerry is shocked.)
Yeah, I'd like to see the script too.
What? Where are we going?
Oh! Well, How do you like that. I got rope. Um, I gotta go.
Look, do you want me to get it back or not?
Now see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies, sitting around, chewing gum, huh? Mmm, mmm, yeah. So uh, you know, Lloyd, he thinks he can get more of this.
I am baking a pie!
Alright! Alright. I'm getting off! I'm gonna go on the ramp.
Thanks for the juice box, Mrs. Z.
Elaine, you should be there to document it.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, he--uh--visits the guy across the hall from me like every ten minutes.
Which one?
What happened to the doll?
(While washing his hands in Jerry's kithen sink) Well, the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he (Makes a noise), he bolted.
Well, you know, ... it was an accident.
Pretty good, huh?
Ooo!
Well, you know, we were playing a game and, you know, I was pitching, and I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man that guy, you know, he was crowding the plate.
Well, here's your *albums* [Journey 'Escape' is on top, BTW...]
Yep! And, in two days, I'm off to Puerto Rico.
When you said that you'd agree to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show. (Takes the ridiculous puffy shirt out of the cover)
Oh, they got good ducks there, huh?
make me an offer.
Wow.
Well?
'BUT I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING.'
Alright, alright, fine. You take the monkey's side, alright, go ahead.
Hey, hey, hey, listen to this. Jackie just called.
I fell asleep in the hot tub and the heat pump broke. Water went down to 58 degrees. I can't get my core temperature back up!
Sue her?
Well, listen, if you bring 'em by, maybe we could interest you in a game of pool.. Yeah, Frank here - he's got his own billiard room.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 
What am I gonna do, huh?
Okay. Let's everybody just relax. Jerry, take the camera.
Stick a fork in me, Jerry. I'm done.
El Paso? I spent a month there one night.
I mean, we had a deal, Newman. And you were supposed to give my your birthday wish. And now you've wasted it!
Well, I'm not giving it back.
Let me tell it ..
I don't like the idea of a character based on me.
Look, I know what's going on. The oink, oink.
Excellent question. 
Well, take you for example. Now, you're very attractive, but you got a big waist.
It would put me at ease.
'HEY TAXI!!!.....TAXI!!'
This ramp is steep.
Konichi-wa. Yeah, it's a gift from my Japanese friends. (sits beside Jerry) They're known as gift-givers. And tonight we're going dancing at the Rainbow Room.
Yeah, but get there after nine. You know, give the poeple a chance to loosen up.
I'm fried.
Oh, they're Soviet Cable guys.
That musta been some kind of doll.
(To Newman) See, we should've gotten some collateral from him.. Like his bag of cans, or.. his other bag of cans.
Hey.
I thought it was a closet.
Oh yeah, yeah, it's me and him. I might have a whole new career on my hands, huh?
He's got money. Why doesn't he just pay a mover?
What?
Aw, no, no I didn't notice it. no, uh,
Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate. So I throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well the next pitch, he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him.
Pffft - wrong.
Hey. I just came from St. Elizabeth's.
Yea.
Surely you jest. (walks away from Bania)
Oh, look at this one by the bus stop. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.
(smiles) Oh. Oh, Marlene...
'Go ahead, go ahead you got it......(to the driver) He's got it.'
(walking out) Cause I know what happened, Jerry. (remembering something and walking back in) Did you call Alec Berg and thank him for the hockey tickets?
Out.
(to Jean-Paul) Here, feel my hand. (takes off glove) Yeah, feel.
It's a poker game...(yells to the crowd) And I'm kickin' some serious butt!
Ah, No, no, no, I can't. I learned my lesson from that coffee company.
A billiard room.
I said ' Wave to me when you pass my window.' 
What, again with you?
(To Brody) C'mon, let's go.
Hey, buddy!
Look at this, look at the hair on the back of my neck. It's all bramble, see it's like thicket back there. Look, I need somebody to shave it for me, huh?
Well because I meet a lot of women in this jacket, you know they're attracted to it. I mean why do you think my mother went out with him?
I like the Jumble You ever do the Jumble?
You always tell it ..
So what's going on, how did all this happen?
well it just doesn't sit well.
Hey, what kind of stuff are you listening to? You *embarrassed* me at that store.
(TOUGH TALKING) Now listen to me you little quack, There was a half man, half pig in that room over there. Now where is he?! Where is he?!
'One hundred percent Cotton Dockers. If they're not Dockers, they're just pants'
Yeah, Java World wants to settle.
Hey man, what's going on?
Hey, Jerry, you know, Lloyd wants to do you a favour.
You got cigars, huh.
Alright, look, we're pulling too much weight. He's getting away from us here. (indicating) Take the wheel.
What are you talking about?
Yay!
Well, Jerry, they're Japanese. I mean, that TV you watch, that sushi you eat, I mean, even that kimono you wear. Where to you think all that money goes, hmm?
I need the yield sign.
Hot and spicy.
Well, I just gotta keep my skin moist so I don't dry out.
Oh yeah.. it's all authorized, yeah.
Wow. He's givin' you a mustache. Where is this guy?
I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts. You know, I-I looked in there and there he was having coffee and a donut.
Completely naked.
Oh, gees...
Let's go. Listen to the bell, Grossbard-- it tolls for thee.
Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players, and as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down, and woah man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.
There's Salman.
Well, the handicapped woman? I went to see her.
Yeah, yeah.
well she says Jane 
Hey. These are for you Olive. 
Well, I'd recommend a waist cincher.
Look at the stitching (takes the jacket off to show Bania) This is old world craftsmanship.
What a body. Yeeaahh. That's for me.
I thought you were trying to get rid of her?
'No,No...You were here first.'
Oh, Jerry, what are you waiting for?
What do you think, Stan?
(Confused) What?
No! He jumped from the second floor. Mr. Papanickolous saw him from across the street. He's lying out there faking. See, he's trying to get back at me. 
If only I could say things like that around her.
Hey man, so how was the rest of Death Blow?
Go ahead, drink it, George.
That's right.
(Getting the door slammed on him) Y'all come back reeeaall...
Well, I have to say I'm very surprised and disappointed - blood brother.
Ah to take some of the pressure off of me. So, Jerry ah, what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life. mmm.
Does your girlfriend have to be here?
I don't have it, I threw it out.
Uh, I didn't see him.
Break up with her
Ja ja ja - just tell it
Limo? I thought that George went to pick him up.
That's your problem, buddy.
You know what I mean - pork, sausage, (A LA PORKY PIG) A-deek-a-deek-a- deek th-th-th-that's all folks.
Oh, hey guys. Man, I'm telling you, this pizza idea, is really going to happen.
Yeah, I'm gonna be rich.
Ooh, here we go. (pulls a cordless phone from his pocket) Yeah hello. Yeah, no, no, no, hold on.
Oh, you gotta be kiddin'! You see those two ladies I got showin'? Do they look scared?!
Hey buddy.
(halfheartedly) Yeah, well I'm really happy for ya.
Oh yeah baby. spit, spit. What are these?'Perducto de Peru'Jerry, if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming.
(climbing though into the back of the truck) I'm gonna get something.
Why?
Uh-huh.
C'mon Frank, I need you. I mean the war was fifty years ago.
You could've introduced me.
Yes I am.
Hey Jerry. What is this? Lady Gillette? What's going on?
No, I read an article in Bon Appetit magazine. (grabs a baster) I'll see you later.
Elaine, do you know how booked up this guy is? Now, if I send him away now, it's gonna take Jerry months to get him back.. He won't like that.
Hey, Jerry, guess where I'm calling from!
Yeah. Joe DiMaggio.
All right. I'll tell you what. If it's going to make you feel any better you can see me naked.
You're all right
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America!
Talkin' to that woman.
Yeah.
When we went to dinner the other night.
(yells) Hey Jerry! (thumps cab door with his palm) Look what I got! (begins doing war-whoops) 
well that voice, it's very familiar.. throaty, almost flinty 
Ohh! 
Oh, yeah. Just - thip! - suck you in.
Sold. Follow me into the dressing room.
What's so funny? ... wha?
I'm gonna go down there and try and talk to her.
Does George know?
'Lets share.. we share....Awight'
Oh, no no no, you gotta call him the next day, it's common courtesy.
Yeah, Cupid's Rifle -- 8:30, Sony Lincoln Square. Yeah, no, no, no, no problem, yeah.
No, sure sure, he wants to. It's very kind of you. Yeah, Jerry, he appreciates it. Don't you, Jerry?
(Snaps) The Place To Be!
What's the matter? 
Yeah, who got the final Death Blow, 'cause I thought that Hawaiian guy, he had it comin' to him!
Well, they recognised Jerry from the Super Terrific Happy Hour. See now, you should be doing your own show in Japan. Now, they get you.
Hey, where's Jerry?
Well, I gotta do somethin'.
Sorry I couldn't get out of there, what did I miss? (asking his 'intern')
What? Jerry, I gave you my blood. Listen to your pulse, (takes Jerry hand) hey buddy-hey buddy-hey buddy...
Well. Sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear, wedding bells?
I told you, I threw it out.
Oh, well uh, okay I'm there with, uh, Woody, you know, I'm at this bar and, uh, I'm sit-- you know it's Woody Allen, did I mention that?
You break up with her. You reverse everything that way.
Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know, they were waiting by the player's parking lot. Now we're coming down the ramp ... [cut to film of the day - like the Zabruter film - with the Umbrella man and everything - Oh so brilliant parody!!!] ... Newman was in front of me. Keith was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, ' Nice game pretty boy.'. Keith continued past us up the ramp.
Well then why would they take a limo from the airport?
Hey, I'll tell you what - you can do it on one condition.
He's lying.
Yeah, we give you the dough, you smash it, you pound it, you fling it in the air. And then you get to put your sauce and you get to sprinkle your cheese, and then- you slide it into the oven.
Cause their afraid of bad publicity.
Yeah.
No, that's yours. My half is gone.
I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath?
You got ripped buddy.
Keep your foot on the gas.
But she really looks like a Lily
Yeah..
Go ahead, drink it, George.
Alright, what happened, Frank? What is it that you can't get over?
Damn!
What are you doing to yourself?
Hey.
(Snaps his fingers) Anatoly! (The Russians get to work on command. To Elaine) Look, it's gonna take a few minutes.. Then, you and the gals can take a load off and watch something on Lifetime.
Alright, come on, Newman. Now you gotta help me! What am I gonna do about FDR?
No, I'm in my shower. Well, you know, I'm trying to get out of the shower sooner, and then I ask myself, 'Why?' I mean this is where I want to be. So I got a waterproof phone, I shaved, I brushed my teeth, and now I ordered a pair of chinos from J. Crew.
Well maybe he likes Dinky Donuts.
No, I want you to see me naked.
Read another poem.
(CALLING OUT) Jerry!
(eating some nachos) Anyway, it's been two years. I mean isn't there like statue of limitations on that?
So I'm sitting there with Woody and I say, I turn to him and I go, 'Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty.'
You know my friend, Bob Sacamano?
Wait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin them out??
If that's Sidra, she's talkin' to Salman.
I'm in love.
What were you talking about when I went to the bathroom?
yeah yeah, (in a flinty voice) flinty 
So, what's your talent?
(enters apartment, holding up videotape) Behold! The Games of the '84 Olympiad! Katya's silver medal performance! (inserts tape into VCR, sets up TV)
Bania, you're killing me.
All right, OK So you the name now. The cat is .a a a .. out of the bag.
Yeah, no kidding.
What happened there?
Jerry, good manners are the glue of society.
That you Bobby?
I got time.
Where? Where? 
He's quite a character, isn't he?
Hey you got it. 
(to George) Alright, what'd you do with that pilot you did.
Aw, okay. (picks up the phone and starts dialling) Yeah, I need his shoeshine kit. (still dialling) He always hides it from me. (puts the phone to his ear and waits for a second or two) Yeah, Bally's? Yeah, Jerry Seinfeld's room, please.
(To George) Uh, No, no, no.. you go ahead. I gotta get my thoughts together.
(Confused) No, Mickey and I, we can't work it out. You know, I'm thinking of asking that Karen out by myself.
...so I said to him: Arthur, Artie come on, why does the salesman have to die? Change the title; The life of a salesman. That's what people want to see.
Uh huh...
So, my blood is not enough. Would you like a kidney too, because I'll give it to you? I'll rip it out right here and stack it on the table!
Newman. (Kramer smacks Newmans' arm)
You told me not to give it to you, you made me promise.
What happened?
That's pretty strange. Did he say anything else?
I get to play Kramer.
Alright you go ahead.
(singing) yodel lay hee hoo! yodel lay hee hoo! hello! (Kramer jumps around George from one side to an other) 
It's all supervised.
'Eh!! Cosmo Kramer. Nice to meet you'
Yeah that's right.
And this. (pulls out the cordless phone from his pocket) Cosmo here. Yeah, un-huh, no, no, no, no, I'll help. Yeah, Firestorm's good. I saw it yesterday. Yeah well my buddy Jerry , ah, he's seen it twice. You want to talk to him? Here -- (holds the phone out to Jerry)
Yeah?
Well then we saw this woman, and she was wearing a bra with no top.
Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your beef?
It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.
Oh, yeah?
That's a nice name. Todd Gack. Is that Dutch? (Dingggggg) Oh baby. Here we go. Uh momma.(putting his fresh out of the oven shirt on) Hey George hey.
Yeah. me neither.
That's nice..
What happened?
Hey, stay away from the chicken. Bad, bad chicken, mess you up.</font>
All right, I'll see ya Bill. All right, I got room for two, but the only thing I have is in the non-filter section. (Jerry enters) Hey.
Yeah (quietly)
You can't keep this up. Don't you know what's going to happen? Everytime you shave it, it's going to come in thicker and fuller and darker.
How you doing? (Kramer leaves)
(rushing into Jerry's apartment) Yeah, I called about the van.
And how am I gonna do that, Toots?
I'm not! I'll see ya later, buddy.
You'll be fine as long as it doesn't hit you right in the pupil, 'Cause then the whole ball will go up like the Death Star. Tchoo! I gotta go find a bathroom.
No, I want to show you.
Wow, that is great. You should be published.
What?
No, no, I'm working on it.
Yeah. He just got a job at a condom factory in Edison. Look at this, he gave me a gross.
He spit on us.... and I screamed out, 'I'm hit!'
I got two, I got two huh, Paliachi, who needs two, Pagliacci, come on, the great tragic clown, come on, check it out, he laughs, he cries, he sings, Pagliacci. Hey, I got two beauties right here, check it out all right.
Okay...
Well, I don't think they're real.
Yeah, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I love her Jerry, I really love her. I'm gonna ask her to marry me. She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being. Except for the walking.
(makes his pop sound) There you go.
All right, I'll see you later. 
Hey boss.
Mmm. I'm thinking of a number from one to ten.
Jerry, what is your problem?
There's nothing in there that I haven't seen before.
Well you know all my life I've been running away from that name. That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about it. All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer. And that's who I'm going to be. From now on that's who I'm going to be. I'm Cosmo!
Whoa, psychosexual.
Alright, you know what this is gonna do? He's gonna be upset because you didn't call him and we're not gonna get those tickets for Friday night.
Well, I heard that you have a very uh, special birthday card .with all the Yankee autographs on it.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What are you doing?
Look out below!!
I got it. Yep.
That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400. 
That's right, I think that had marvellous production values.
I used to have a problem. (into phone) Well, what d'you mean, he's not registered? Wha..S, E, I, N, V...
I was, but the one I thought was Julie turned out to be Karen.
Hey, eh, Lew!
No no no, I don't have time right now. I'll catch you tonight, we'll do sort of an all over kind of thing, all right?
What do you mean 'wrong kind of medicine'?
Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut like everyone else?
You know, the library is kind of a cool place when it's closed.
You said, no matter what you do or say, I'm not to give you the number.
O'Brien. Why would he want to be called O'Brien?
I am Kramer.
Oh yeah, I?m selling.
Uh, no, see, my friend already bought me a ticket. I'm late, and she's inside.
Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's screaming, 'Mickey! Mickey! What have you done with Mickey? You killed Mickey!'
hey George, hear that? 
All of it. You want to invest?
(like rainman)'Yeah! heading home.'
Just, just tell him about the picture. What's the matter with you? Stop it. (puts the phone back to his ear) Yes, are you still there? Look I'm sorry about that. All right there's an 8:30 and a 10:15showing.
Oh, baby, what was that all about, huh?
Yeah. So I got distracted and I crashed the car.
Well, why not.
Jerry, that was superheated water, nothing could live in that.
Really?
Okay. Come on. Give the guy his money. What -- what are you doing? 
Well, we're, talkin' now, aren't we?--
Frank, you were a boy too. And it was war. It was a crazy time for everyone.
Oh yeah, people really seem to be enjoying themselves. You know, they come in once, it's like they're addicted. (Katie enters)
Yeah (again quietly)
(Adding) Jerry, she's a loser. (George points to Kramer - gesturing that he's right on target)
Is it? Look at this.
(Interested) That's perfect.
So, you're sleeping with Silvio's wife?
All right, I'll see you guys.
No, it's statue.
What is that?
Oh, well... Come on, take some, Jerry. Grab 'em.
What happened?!
Orchestra, Row G, dead center, primo! You'll think you died and went to heaven.
Yeah...
If they're real, that's Rushdie.
Ah, I'm glad you're here.
Yes, yes! You said it!
Anything new with that guy on drugs?
(while eating a banana) Hey Georgie.
How're you doin' there, big guy? (Puts his arm around the tobacco store Indian)
No, five. But you were close.
All right, Jerry--are you familiar with the Kama Sutra?
Man, I don't understand people. I mean, why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me?
Alright, where you going?
Oh, that's it, yeah. Boy, Stubs sure went to town with this thing huh? Yeah, well, Bobby, uh, what if I told you a very important person at the New York Yankees needed this card back.
You can't take this. This belongs to a friend of mine.
Come on up. It's Brody.
You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago. 
Jerry I&rsquo;m so glad we switched apartments. It was a perfect solution.</font>
...F, E, L, D. (half-laughing) Well, I think you're wrong. (listens) Alright, you have a lucky day, too.
Oh man, I'm on the wrong floor again.
(high pitched voice) Look at it! Look at it! And it's all me. I shaved there when I was a lifeguard.
Yeah.
HELLO!
No, you told me not to!
No, no. See, that's no good. See, you don't know how to act.
Wait, wait, wait...
(entering, handing Jerry a piece of paper) This was in front of your door.
Jerry, George!
Phew!
All right, I?ll tell you what I?ll do. Cause you look like a nice guy, a thousand dollars for the duce.
Is that seat taken?
Well, I got the hell out of there.
let go, hey grab the rock 
How's your evening?
Hey.
No, I'm tellin' you, people, they really want to make their own pizza pie.
'Yeaheum ... You're not doing too bad yourself'
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's good thinking.
Oh, boy.
Oh here we go--
Frank, now listen to me. Two hundred Jewish singles need you. This is your chance to make it all right again.
Ah, well, this is Little Jerry Seinfeld.
Wait a minute, wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys? Let's pause a moment. (Newman starts the taped music) Jerry, now, what you do with your personal life is your business, but when you're on my set - you clean it up, mister!
Is there a tree?
Well, why didn't you tell me about this?
Yeah.
Well, it's a windshield. It's going to be your new coffee table.
Wait a minute, Just wait a minute...Elaine, Elaine! Now you're smart, is it statue or statute of limitations?
Naw ,na , that's no good.
Come on, Elaine, here, take half a bag.
I think I hit my head again!
Yeah, but you've gotta come with us.
I gotta know, I'm talkin' to Salman.
Alright, now, we gotta go out. We gotta buy a wheelchair.
Come on Jerry, the commercials almost over.
(Takes it off the hook, and starts walking toward Jerry with it. He backs defensively backs away from it) Well, she asked you.
Then why the sniffing? Who walks around (sniff, sniff) sniffing?
Yeuu.
Al-righty (sits down) Have you got yourself a cold?
Tantric yoga?
You're his friend. Better that she should sleep with someone else? Some jerk that he doesn't even know?
Who died?
Well, uh, Bobby, uh, who's your favorite Yankee.
Huh?
Yeah, you uh, really missed a show, buddy. Wooh, ba-boom, ba-boom-ba-ba-ba-boom-ba.
Jerry, you did him a favor. He probably wants to come up and thank you.
It's just a write off for them. 
George is right, Jerry. See, here, you're just another apple, but in Japan, you're an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there.
What, Mr. Marbles? He's harmless.</font>
No, they never heard of him.
(quiet, delicately) Allison spoke to me, and um. She wanted me to speak to you.
Hey, you know what I think it is? I think it's that East River. I think it might be polluted.
Won't it? Or is it already starting to happen?
(Flirting with a female guest) Yeah, I eat the whole apple. The core, stem, seeds, everything.
(taping Morty's glasses) Morty, what're you lookin' at?
HELLO!
Alright! (flinging pieces of torn paper to the ground) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Jerry falls to the floor and starts arranging pieces) Look at you! Look at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look in the mirror, cause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand by and do it anymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching you destroy yourself. It's eating me up inside!
Hi, Mike.
Newman?
Pzzzt. No.
It's like a sauna in here, huh? I feel like I'm...back at the desert.
Yeah. Slow, gentle, attentive.
the rock 
Woah, that's quite a honk!
Stop right there.
Jerry, Jerry they found a tee.
That's what I wanna know.
That's you.
(whose voice has returned to normal)' THE VELVET FOG!!!!'
She was flouting.
Oh, the one with the crest.
No , no no no no. Weddings are a great place to meet chicks. I have to be unfettered.
What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time o' year?!
Look, can't you take Jerry's check down?
(Like a parent) Well, I still like the Bloomingdale's executive training program for him.
Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.
Well, it's my business now. Look, I stuck up for you. Man, if he catches you, we're both out.
Hey, listen, can I borrow your suitcases?
Look I'm tellin-- (he does a double take and looks at George) I'm telling ya, that was Joe DiMaggio.
Does that bother you?
Oh, I really think you're wrong.
Not bloody likely..
I didn't say anything.
I don't know...
Grossbard's plane leaves in ten minutes. I *still* got time to catch him!
I got them too.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've uh...I've spent a little time in the Mideast. You ever been to the Mideast?
Well, you know I went to the hospital today, and I saw the woman, you know, and the wheelchair is totalled, we gotta get her another one!
Well, you gotta wear it now! All those stores are stocking it based on the condition that you're gonna wear this on the TV show! The factory in New Jersey is already makin' em.
Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of!
Hey.
You're a human being.
'Call me. Thirty-six, twenty-four, forty-six. I think I have what you're looking for.' (Pleased by the note, Kramer stumbles into his car).
So he actually had it?
All right. What if I tell Paul O'Neill to hit a home run tomorrow, just for you.
Alright.
Well, that makes sense. (Offers plate to Elaine) Want some chicken?
I decided to go with the brown one 's. (pants)
It's your first time. He'll understand.
They just write it off. 
We all know that this relationship isn't working. So Allison an' I think that the best thing to do is just.. make a, clean break.
She's really gotten to you, hasn't she?
Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, there are many differences between American and Soviet cultures that you're not aware of. See, in Russian, the cable guy, they got the whole run of the house. Yeah, that's tradition. (Turns back to the woman) Did you ever eat the bark of a pineapple?
Hmm.
Well. uh, well my head went back and to the left
Yeah.
(notices the painting) Whoa, man! That is the ugliest thing I've ever seen!
Hey, how are you doing? Jerry! George!
Yeah. That's strange.
Look, let me handle this.
I'm in. Let's go for it.
Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's chasing me around, he trips over third base and knocks over Clete Boyer.
My name's Kramer.
I told you he could do it. 
you gotta relax.. try the yodel (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo 
Wait a second. I can get change.
Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids.
Disaster.
A golf tee. In the dry cleaner.
Well, I saw Mom and Pop this morning, but when I went by the store on my way home? The place was empty. Everything is gone. Mom and Pop - vrooop - vanished.
Okay, okay. I just wanted to check with you guys.
It was outrageous. And she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar fortune.
(grabs briefcase to leave) I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. (leaves)
Hey, hey Jerry, come on. Sorry.
Well, you know, I think it's something he should consider.
Smile, everyone! We're back!
Hoooh! Man, that looks like a dead bear.
No, no, no. I looked.
Not at all.
What test?
That's queer uh?
(Singing) Goood Moorrrnninng! 
Gimme your credit card.
So, uh...what kind of work do you do?
George, I'm in love with her!
Yes, yes. This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, this-this is gonna be the new look for the 90's. You're gonna be the first pirate!
Hey, anybody got change for a hundred?
All right, all right, why don't we just watch the tape? (starts playback)
Ahh, no, no, no. You got me all wrong buddy. I am loving this no refrigerator. You know what I discovered? I really like depriving myself of things. It's fun. Very monastic.
You're flesh and blood.
'Well...He's singing at a benefit and I'm gonna be sitting at his table.'
For you he would.
What is this, huh?
Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright.
No. You can't let him get away with this. 
Hey, Brody!
Jerry all these big companies they write off everything 
Yeah.</font>
(reasoning) We just don't think you're ready for a serious relationship!
Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come with it. It's like Endora's box.
(Trying to break up the fight) Uh.. Excuse me..
Lock and load.
Back and to the left
What?
(acting standoffish) Hello.
What me? Fabulous, just fabulous. I've got a lot of auditions, a lot of call backs and I've got a lot of interest for my movie treatment. I'm in development, I'm in developed vehicles. And there's a lot of energy here, man. You know, the vibe, it's powerful. I'm just swept up at it. Yeah, I'm a player.
You're blowing this, the guys a pigeon.
I don't care, whatever.
Yeah, so? 
(chanting) yodel lay hee hoo 
Ya that was pretty good, huh?
Well, you got brown eyes. You want to wear a green dress.
I'm afraid so. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I've been asking around - they didn't even have any kids.
You know, this business is going to be big. I just wanted- okay.
Hey! Jerry!
(to Elaine) Hey, my new neighbor!
I said she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar fortune.
Well, I, uh, I borrowed it last night and it got a little dirty.
All right, All right. Lets get down here. You really want to get out of this thing ?
Yeah, yeah. (Pulls a bottle out of his pocket) I got some pilss. They taste terrible.
Oh yeah (quietly)
Listen, George, all these issues are interrelated.
It is very obtrusive.
Man, where did you learn to climb trees like that?
Thanks, buddy.
I once saw this thing on T.V. with people who are terminally ill. And they all believed the secret of life is just to live every moment.
Hmm. Why you takin' an IQ test?
Yeah, you better think again Mojumbo.
Ha, ha! Nothing like some good solid sack time. (Turns toward Jerry's window) 
Just gimme the card, don't ask me any questions.
No! She needs it now!
What?
Well, I'm not gonna need this anymore. I got Olive. (Jerry throws out the spatula) 
Did you tell him the Packyderm story?
It's all fresh. Fresh fish, fresh foul, fresh fruit. I buy it, I omniga nominga, I eat it.
One day, you'll beg me to make your own pie.
'I'm a guest of honor.'
Two? Sure kid, yeah. But then you gotta promise you'll do something for me.
Yeah.
Pisano's. That's the place by the stadium right?
Do you? 
(dismayed) So what am I in this for? You know, I'm getting to a point in my life where I need something more than just.. a good time. (is tearing up)
Hey ah.
Yeah, well, she... had one, too. (George enters)
No. (To manager of H&H) Ah, listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off.
All right, all right, come on, now.
Wait,wait wait...Let me get the camera.
Mary Hart!
(out the window) Hey, Mike! Come on up, the fight's almost starting!
Yeah, a player...
Look, I know what I?m doing here George.
Okay. What are you getting?
No. He doesn't know. 
Because of the coffee thing?
Not yet. But the suspense is killing me.
It was all an act, Jerry. They conned us, and they scored, big time.
I told you I was gonna get it.
What?
Of course I'll do it. I'd be happy to. So, all I gotta do is be there at seven?
No.
(laughing to himself) Somehow I dozed off and woke up in a pile of garbage.
All right. I got two words for you; Pre-Nup.
What is that Roger's Chicken? Oh get that outta here.</font>
(Gestures to his throat) No, my throat's too tender.
All right, so what're you saying? That we're wrong? Oh, everybody's wrong but you!
You can't get a stool in here.
There's still some overlap between the needle and the slash below the 'E'. 
Huh? Well, I'm gettin' out of town. I'm gonna visit Madeline for the weekend. You know, this place is lookin' kinda messy. What happened to Cindy?
George?
No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life.
(Turning back to Jerry) Oh. So, did you make it through the night? 
I'm gonna buy a ticket-- I'm gonna get on that flight.
Well...
yeah! 
Alright, Let's go but something. Then we'll get some change.
Yeah. My lady friend down at Monks. 
Maybe I outta go over there.
Oh yeah, it's working out. And I got a date with that waitress who works at Reggie's.
'Well this afternoon I shared a cab with this...a hum..DEENSFREI:.'
Ah, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer. (points to plate) Proctology.
Yeah, that would be nice. But I really just need this card.
Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck? Nice and loose?
Yeah. Newman raves about it. It's on his mail route. He goes by there everyday.
But they do and they are the ones writing it off. 
(To Driver) Hey, let me drive.
Wha--me? No! No. But she is.
Oh, I'm making a difference Jerry.
(Baseball flies at Kramer and hits him) That's it, that's it! I warned you kids. I told you not to play in front of my house. This time, I'm keepin' it. And you're not getting back your rock either!
Well, maybe if you called more often, I wouldn't have to. Listen, is it all right if I watch a tape in here?
But it's Festivus.
Hey, you weren't home, so I signed for her.
..The busboy's coming! The busboy's coming!
A stall man, huh? (small laugh)
Something's very strange. George goes to the airport to pick up Jerry. They come back in a limo with four tickets to the basketball game and wanna be called O'Brien and Murphy? O'Brien. O'Brien, why O'Brien?
What? What this? I'll be out of here in couple of hours. Hey, guess who I met today? Rick Savage, oh nice kid, really good kid. You know, we're talking about doing a project together.
(interupts involuntarily) Yo-yo Ma!
Oh, yeah.
What's a Chow Fung?
Well, doesn't he need that?
I knew you would.
South America?
Listen you're just imagining things. He doesn't know a thing. Now come on. Pull yourself together. 
What about 'Sonia Live'? Now you're not cancelling 'Sonia Live'?
Okay. But if I'm going to do this, we play by my rules or we don't play at all.
Yeah, that's right. You did.
Oh yeah. Oh yeah, that's her. (feminine grunts and sighs can be heard as they watch the tape) Look at the height, Jerry, the extension! Now watch the tuck. Handstand, half-turn, giant into a straddle, back into another handstand. Nice kip. Reverse hecht. Oh, nice leg extension, good form! Now, here comes the big dismount. Look at the rotation, full in, double back, and she sticks the landing! (gets up to leave as George and Jerry continue to watch, mouths agape) Perhaps you'd like to keep the tape? (silence) Well, I'll take that as a yes.
Apparently.
Psst. Hey.
(holding the picture away from Jerry) Aagh. No no no no no.
So, okay uh what's the problem?
Well, b -- it was stolen.
Hey.
So whadda ya think, Jackie? I mean we got a case?
Well, so, look, the cleaner said you could pick it up tonight at six.
Ask her to sign a pre-nup.
Well I'm boycotting it.</font>
I don't want to!
Which one?
No, that's no good. I'm leaving.
(inspecting Jerry's van) So, how come you're selling it?
Oh, I've been in the slash many times. This is nothing. You'll get used to it. Just, (Makes a popping sound) put it out of your mind. 
Oh.
Yeah, but why are you taking an IQ test for George?
(emotionally) She's deep.
So, you're still master of your domain. 
No, I'm not gonna use the ticket! I'm gonna get my money, I'll get off the plane and turn your ticket in for a refund. It's not gonna cost you a dime! Now gimme the card.
alright.. George you got it? (gives him the rope) 
George, there's a news stand right over there. Now come on.
You guys ought to see the way she works her nails across my back. Ohh! She's a maestro. The crisscross. The figure eight, strummin' the ol' banjo, and this wild, savage free-for-all where anything can happen. 
I'm very good with sick people. They love me. When my friend Len Nicodemo had the gout, I moved into his hospital room for three days, the doctors were amazed at his recovery.
Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, well, I'll tell you, she's a full-figured gal.
'Yeah! well ..that's the guy .He's organizing the dinner.'
Thanks. Have a good day.
(deadly serious) It's a verbal contract. We had a deal.
George, we're sorry.
You should see the smiles on the drivers' faces. I mean, you gotta look quick, but they're there.
Well, I'm taping Canadian Parliament, you know on C-Span.
You know you're infringing on my right to celebrate new holidays..
You weren't even married yet.
Wha-ha-a-at? (makes a gesture with his hand)
You know what they do in there? Did you see CooCoo's Nest? They put those electrodes in your head.
W..W..Wa...Wa..Wait..Wait wait.. Now lets videotape your head for the before picture, so we can watch how it grows and stuff. Sit down (George sits).....Lean back...A little bit to the right.
So? I'm innocent! I mean you guys believe that I'm innocent, don't you? Jerry? George?
I know where I?m standing.
What do you mean, a broad noodle?
Alright, alright. Fine George! Don't chip in! But some day, we're gonna be driving along, we're gonna look out the window, and see her crawling along 5th avenue! Is that what you want?
Yyyeeaaah!!
Hey.
She's a doctor, I got a thing for her.
Hey.
Listen, I need you to get me some clothes.
I just can't get over how fantastic you look.
C'mon, you can come up with five thousand dollars. (to Jerry) Jerry, you don't have five thousand dollars you can led her? Come on.
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry my burn is gone look.(shows Jerry the burn area).
These street toughs, they robbed me.
It's Beef-A-Reeno..and I got fifty cans. You want some?
Huckleberry.
Because most women when they're asked to sign a pre-nup are so offended they back out of the marriage.
What is that, hickory?</font>
(Squirming) Jerry! What?!
How many miles?
Well, I almost did once, and I blacked out. When I came to, the car was in a ditch, and the tank was full. I don't know who did it, and I never got to thank them.. 
Yeah. I just buzzed him in. He's on his way up..
What, is it for a job or something?
These pretzels are making me thirsty. (He bites into a pretzel.) Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty.
Wait, wait, (Exits)
You know Jerry, she sounds like a poet!
Wait, wai, ... ... Yeah. Hello!, Hi, Aw, this is Kramer. Yeah, I'm the next door neighbor. Aw, well you know, ah Jerry's left, uh, uh, But listen, ah, see ah, my golf game got canceled. Uh, I'm thinkin' of going up myself... They got pies and ah, I got the directions right here.
Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you just say? 
The AC is on it's way.
We're not talking about a manicure. Imagine, this is going to be his first memory. Of his parents just standing there while some stranger (Does some motions of cutting; Myra sobs more) cutting off a piece of his manhood and then serves a catered lunch.
Just get some gum or something.
Is that Elaine mannequin still there? 
Oh, they were Chemical.
Oh you better believe it buddy. Hey George, we could double sometime.
Oh, hello.
'Well, because we hit it off and he was very impressed with what I do.'
Hey.
Hi, here. I made this for your. (gives her a pasta statue)
Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time. He gets it from his butcher.
I'm down.
(leaves, upset) Waaa-aa--aa! I'm sorry--
Well, you know, those annoying little bumps on the lane-lines? (makes noise - bum, bum, bum, bum, bump)
Is it all right if I watch it in your bedroom, cause your bed is really nice?
(Shrugging Jerry off) Nah.
Well, it's going to be! Because I'm going back on strike. Come on Elaine. (Takes of his apron, and goes for his coat) It's a walk out!
Well, what's the matter?
(reading) sobs
What's going on?!
So then I drive all the way up to the country club and then I find out they got a tournament goin' on. Do you mind if I smoke?
Hey!
Well I don't want a big flat noodle.
Now calm down, Mr. Fields...
You must be Aaron, I've heard about you.
Oh, come on.
Yeah, I just sold my suit to Bania for a cool three-hundred.
Nope. No good.
Oh, yeah. This takes twenty years off.
Well I put that Chinese balm on that the Maestro gave me. And look, it healed it.
Yeah. It was very frightening. My life was in danger. You should've seen the way they talked to me.
Jerry, I think I bought too much at that price club. I don't have any room for it all.
Really?</font>
(Struggling) Hey!
City or highway?
Whoop! Whoop! 
You're positive it's statute?
He's a happy camper huh?
What happened here?
(pushing Jerry towards the phone) Yeah! Get in there and give her a call. Pick up the phone and call her!
Ok, yeah. All right look, I'll be out of here by noon. Maybe we'll have lunch together, huh?
Oh, hey.
Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! (Jerry puts on his coat) This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it. 
So now, what's this got?
What?
what? 
Yeah.
YAOH!
Hey.
All right it's done.
(shaking hands) Yeah.
'Well apparently I do something 'cause I'm sitting at the head table with Mr. Mel Torm&eacute;
Good. (To Earl) Here's my collateral.
Loan her the money. You can afford it.
It's macaroni Midler.
Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening the door) You are the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean, George, yeah, I can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine...
Watch out, boy.
Uh yeah. It's under the couch.
(To Assistant) Hey, you have keys?
Well, I had to pull 'em up if I'm gonna widen the lanes.
Jerry... Newman... Two-thousand...
Ok!
I can't. (Complaining) I'm gonna drop dead.
What? You're siding with management?!
Uh-oh. You're a john.
My friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments. But his synapses were so large, it had no effect.
It's Marion's poetry. I can't take it (leaves sobbing)
Help me!! Help me!
Well, it uh, (offering his hand) it's a pleasure to meet you.
These are Cubans. (IN FAKE SPANISH) Maria, poquendo los scientos de estes con gleam.
Who says I want a noodle?
Oooow! He's biting me!
Me?
Hey. 
Yeah.
Oh, you're poo-pooing!
Hey, I didn't twist your arm.
What, at this place? It would destroy my whole profit margin.
Well, I'm taking this back.
(points) You know, I really like that hairdo.
So? My lawsuit. I'm finished.
Well, where's the soup?
I always put you up here...
(frustrated) Damn. I don't understand this. I've ditched every bottle and can, and we still can't gain. It's like we're...
Hey
Get out of here.
Look at you! You've got another gig! Uhh.
Oh stop it. (he slaps Newman&rsquo;s shoulder) What&rsquo;s the matter with you.</font>
(yells) Newmanniun!!
(breaking the antenna) Hey, hey. Take it easy. I'm not gonna be pressured. I'll walk away right now. Is this thing bent? I'm not paying for that.
Yes, uh, I'm interested in the apartment.
Remember that guy who took my jacket. The one I found at my mother's house.
(screaming) YES! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULD! (hysterically) Fight for her, Jerry, she's sure as hell fighting for you!
I'll be down in a minute.
I didn't kill anyone, I swear! I swear to God!
(Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our bedroom windows, we would think: 'Why can't there be a woman out there, taking her clothes off?' And now that wish's come true, and you want to (Makes a noise) throw it away?! 
Well did you mention my name?
What are you kidding? Look at him. He's grotesque. 
Hey! I am looser than creamed corn! 
ahh.....!! 
Hey, nobody put a gun to your head.
Oh, hey! Elaine, I just heard that Noreen and Paul are breaking up. I want you to put in a good word for me. (to Jerry) I've always had a thing for Noreen.
Well, you know, Poppie's over at my place. Tonight's the big night. I'm gonna make the first test pizza at the restaurant.
'Ehmm ..These are my vertical leap training shoes.'
Oh, yeah.
Oh, c'mon. She'll pay you back. What's five grand between friends?
Yeah, see how you're singing?
...They're over here. Now you're... aww-whawww.
...sluggish.
Hi. How are you?
Mmmmm.</font>
Whe have the same symptoms.
Ah, you know how in planes they got first class? More leg room, better ride? Well, I'm bringing that concept to mile one-fourteen.
(whimper) Jerry?
Blood!
(on the phone in the shower) Lomez, you're not listenin'. Jerry likes the naked, just some of the things she does when she's naked. Calm down, I'm on your side. Geez. Hey, hold on a second. I got a clog, I'll call ya back.
(Interrupting) Scab! Scab! (pointing at Elaine) Scab!
No, he's not going to do anything. I guarantee it.
Hey! You ever been in an accident?
Thank you.
(Moving back into the room) Oh, yeah?
All right. I'll get pea pods and you can't have any of my pea pods.
Here, get a newspaper. (Kramer hands George a Newspaper)
Well, let me tell you something. I'm taking this kid to the top. To the top, Jerry! We're going for the crown, and you can't stop her!
Listen do me a favor -- just call Jerry, tell him to bring me some clothes.
Well what happens if they want to see it?
Oh...yeah!
Wha...?
Oh ya, I think they are starting to loosen up a bit. (Mrs. Anvino come to Jerry's threshold) Oh hi Mrs. Anvino.
But you have a gift. Jerry, this is not your little comedy act. We're talkin' feature films.
What's a Chuckle?
Yeah, well, you got that straight! (Turns to Elaine) Hey, Elaine, try the beef - because that's realy au jus sauce, huh. (Dramatically) Real au jus sauce!
Look what they did. Look what they did to my house! I turn my back for two seconds, and they put shaving cream all over my door. You, I see you! I'll teach these kids a lesson. Where's that house I put under your sink?
All right, look. I'm going to be honest. I'm very interested in the van.
I'm goin' to Newman's!
Ok.
My mother told me that he got arrested for mail fraud
What's an extremity?
Yeah.
You're making a big mistake.
No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry. 
Jerry, my house is a pigsty, come on.
And?
Well, I say we're going to take our money right now!
Do I think? He's repugnant. 
You don't know what you're missing buddy. 
Who you calling big ape? (pushes Mickey back)
So uh what are you guys doing for dinner?
Well, don't look at me.
Well, if she's available now, I'm not gonna let her slip through my fingers this time. Nooope. (does a little dance)
Yeah. Anyway, he's about to leave, he wants the duck money. (Poppie enters.)
'Yeah! yeah! right after I left the Y.'
You got that straight!
Yeah, so what's the problem?
oh, what's that from?
Yeah, I turned up the heat.
Ah, you're lucky you're walkin' out of here with a pair of pants on!
(points) Digidi.
Quiet, quiet.
Come on. What's the big deal? Just gonna put a little concrete in the washing machine. 
Heyy, wasn't that a pie stand back there?
No, no. No doctors.
Well you black out lane-lines one and three, and a four-lane highway becomes a two-lane comfort cruise. (to Jerry) So, you got any black paint?
Boysenberry, the kid is still learning.
Yeah. It feels like we're stealing it.
Antonio. In here!
Hello.
Hey, you know who owns that car?
(quiet) Okay.
Uh, George, did you talk to that guy about getting me some more cigars?
Get extra MSG.
C'mon Jerry!
Hey.
You can't stop her, Jerry! Oh, I've seen 'em come and go, but this kid has got something! (Turns to leave.)
(interrupting) Oh, no no no. You don't wanna do that. No no. Nobody wears it like that.
Yeah!!
Look, Newman, I told you to let this thing go.
Sure Mrs. Anvino, ya.
I too am well.
Oh yeah. Elaine was a fun project. I enjoyed working with her. 
Hey. Oh, Jerry, listen uh, you know, I saw the rest of that movie, The Other Side Of Darkness? The coma lady wakes up at the end.
Yeah?
I love you, too, buddy, and George--
(pointing to the newspaper ad) Well, I don't really have any money. But it says right here, 'interesting trades considered'.
Oh. Delicious to meet you.
He's in jail.
You raise the head, you get blood to the feet.
(leaving) Why should anything be wrong?
What?
(Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm beggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please! 
That's true.
Now I don't believe this. That guy owes me big time. I got him off sugar! Look, I'm gonna go down there with you right now.
Well, you can't have this tested now. It's melting.
Whatever it takes. 
Clark Bar. (Kramer starts tearing the candy wrapper open with his teeth.)
My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.
Wellll, I wouldn't go as far as that.
How's that feel?
'What!!!'
Yes.
Hey see He said he'd loan you the money.
Oh You are so freaking talented.
I'm freezin'! I just need to get my hot tub running. I'm waiting for my new heat pump.
Jerry, ah? Breakfast on me, huh?
Yeah. That's Rusty.
Well, it'll gonna mix up with the water, and then by the end of the cycle it'll be a solid block! 
Oh yeah. Home-made pies, two hundred yards back.
Sure, do you need a glove?
Where are you going?
That was alright.
Ohh kay! Well, you know, I had Bob Saccamano on the phone, and I suddenly realized that I- (Elaine stops him)
Yeah, well nothing before noon.
Oh, thank you.
The guy's got a fat fetish. Spector never dates a woman under two hundred-fifty pounds.
Go ahead smell, smell
Oh, you don't remember me.
Who?
The one that was hit a couple of nights ago.
Okay uh, yeah. I'll have a uh, you have a decaf cappuccino?
(Concluding) Okay.. well, I guess I'm just going to have to take matters into my own hands, huh? (Pause) Alright, I'll see you guys. (Leaves, despite 'No, don't go!' and other various comments by Jerry and George)
Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer. He said his name was Sal Bass. Bass, Jerry! Instead of salmon, he went with bass! He just substituted one fish for another!
(acting very bad) I saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts again, but this time, I went in. (pause, stops acting) Oh! Uh, where's the bathroom?
Hey ya want these (He throws down the golf clubs -- kicks the bag hard) I don't want em!
(pacing back and forth) Ya.
Now what is Executive?
No, no. you'd be a damn fool to change it. It's very becoming.
Oh, so look who's here. What do you want.
(interested) Uh-huh.
(salutes Jerry on his way out) See you later buddy.
Do I smell?
Uh no. Look at this. Okay yeah this looks good and I like what your wearing. 
Yeah, Well, it comes down if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins the cockfight.
I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma.
Listen, when I give you the signal, I want you to turn this water on full blast.
(pulling out an undershirt) And I'm glad I did. Here.
Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. (sniffing wall) Mmm. Mombassa, hmm?
That's what I intend to find out. (George comes out of the bathroom and he's got white cream on his head)
Wow wow wow wow, you've got the wrong man!! It wasn't me!
Buenos dias.
Yes! 
Yeah, he skipped out and *ptruut* went to South America!
It changes the molecules.
(Kramer is talking much more slowly and smoother than usual) First she sets the mood perfectly with this new age music played over ocean sounds. Then she lays you out on this table, and she proceeds to rub oil over your entire body. And she rubs long... and deep... Jerry, she rubs with love. (Jerry is obviously cutting much harder than the cheese needs it as he listens to Kramer) Every muscles she touches just... (long pause) ooo-zz-es. Beneath those silky, soft fingers, you can scarcely contain yourself, buddy. (Jerry slams down the knife and goes to the couch) 
Wrong again.
Oh. Oh man. (Takes out a Kleenex and puts his head back. Jon Voight comes out of a doorway and hails a cab.)
You see?
So, uh, what did you want to see me about?
That's okay. He doesn't care.
Uh? Oh that must be it.
AIDS walk! That's a cake walk. (George enters.) Hey!
Uh-huh.
You keep him busy. 
I don't know..
(abruptly) Well, I'll see you.
What do ya mean?
Yeah, yeah, I know. (he clicks off the TV) Listen, Jerry, I can't let you come to my New Year's party.
Yeah, your phone is line one.
Gonorrhea? Excuse me, I think there's been a mistake, see, I had gonorrhea last week.
What does he do with all that fat? Does he just jump up and down on it? Does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski?
Do you recognize it? ... The beach.
Yeah, you should. I certainly remember you. Let me refresh your memory.
That blond across the street. You know the one with the long ponytail, she wears those blue sweatpants.
Well, that's a little strange.
Jerry, Jerry, you're missing the big picture!
Yeah. Be right back. (Kramer leaves)
Little Snowball? He runs on batteries!
I stink! I can't play! The ball is just sitting there, Jerry, and I can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way out there!
No no it's alright, it's alright. You're stressed Oout!
No, no. I'm sorry it's out of the question.
I'm loving this.
Whoa! 
(realisation) Mother's Day.
Well open the door, you get a better look.
Uh, Pantene.
No, no. You're stoked. The camera loves stokedness. Look were not going to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. The key word is tasteful. Now I want you to relax and have fun because your a fun guy. All right let's do it. Okay come on. Feel the beat. Feel the beat. You know you got some real strong pecks but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt. 
(to Jerry) Hey, man.
Well, Marcelino, he has cockfights in the back of his store.
I'll yell, uh, 'Hoochie mama!'
No, I want to trade you screen legend Anthony Quinn's undershirt. He took this off to do sit-ups in the park and I nabbed it.
Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto?
It stinks. Can you smell that?....You stink.
Ok, can I just talk to somebody? Can I just explain...
Uh, habla ingles?
(Moving to the window) Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Sits in Jerry's chair, looking out the window) 
Hey, fatso! I got a 90 in biology.
Oh... yeah... 
Here, George, get a Penthouse Forum.
Why don't you sit down, Poppie? You're still recuperating. (Poppie moves to the sofa and sits down, and exhales a loud sigh of relief.) What, are you tired, Poppie?
Hey! Jon Voight! Jon Voight! (Voight waves at Kramer and hurriedly gets in the cab. Kramer runs over to the car.) Hey, listen, can I ask you something? Listen, listen...(Leans in the the open back window of the cab. Defensively, Voight grabs Kramer's arm and bites it. Kramer screams. The cab speeds off leaving Kramer in the street, stunned.)
(to Jerry) Hey buddy.
Yeah, and your posture's a lot better. Look at you.
Yeah, don't I know it.
Barry?
Get outta here.
Yeah, yeah, I got the biggest one they had. It's industrial strength. 16000 BTU's.
You wanna go see him?
(shouting back) Oh, unforgettable.
Yeah.
(agitated) I mean, it's killing me! Newman's got the jump on the invites, and will crush me if I try to go it alone!
(Knocking on a port-a-potty door) Come on, Lomez! We're gonna be late for the movie.
I don't believe this, I'm being typecast.
He was a wrestler. He would grab hold of someone's stomach and just squeeze it until they gave.
What about a big sponge?
Oh, I'm talking about the beach.
Well, it's uh, it's a very popular drink
What, did you ask her?
Wait, there is one way to find out. We set up a sting. You know like Abscam. Like Abscam Jerry.
I have no concentration!
You mean like the uneven parallel bars?
Bette is recuperating right now and I'm not going to allow anything to disturb her.
Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.
A free truck? Oh boy, that completely changes our cost structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent.
Well, there really is no junk-mail...well, everybody wants to get a check or a birthday card, but...
I don't know it's up to you. 
Yeah, so he says if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins, the check comes down.
That stuff is unbelievable. I'd eat it out of a dumpster.
On the signal, George. On the signal.
Well, it's my final offer.
How about a bathroom?
Ah, you remember.
Wait, wait, wait, how do you know it's not John Tesh?
No...
Giddy-up. Ok, uh, (Looks at a woman wearing dark sunglasses and sitting on a sofa behind him. He reacts oddly) Um. I need to talk to someone.
Oh, I can wait.. 
Yeah, come in.
Very... much... 
Why? No, that'll make great dinner party conversation. We'll read the letters at the dinner table.
(whistles) What's he like huh?
Yea these are a hot item over at Rudy's.
Hey, Poppie...you really think people wanna make their own pizza?
It's an eyepatch.
I told you! Now, Frank, listen. Here's what I'm thinking. Now, you have a friend in the bra business, right?
All right, how 'bout Ithaca vs. Boston?
Oh. Well, uh, what's the problem?
What's to think about?
Mr Har-harwood. Well, what an unexpected surprise to have you back at the Alex Theatre.
I'll show ya Rusty.
Uh, well, we, uh, we had to leave early. There was a, uh, slight monetary discrepancy regarding the bill.
(nervous) I gotta find Elaine. Y'know, she's gonna pull my plug.
But I did sit in mud.
(swung by Jerry's argument) You're right. I won't do it without you. I feel so ashamed I even thought of it, huh.
Comming up on the right, if you glance up you can just make out my bedroom window. It's the one that's covered in chicken wire.
Hey, hey, hey. Look at that.
So go. GEORGE Here?
Use a belt.
You know the way you smell when you first come home from the beach? Well, I want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that smell. Oh yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I know him.
That's true. But, you know, I can't help but think that uh...
Oh, yes indeed...
Sand, I can get rid of the sand. (he sits at the table, looking down his shirt) Look there's still some in here, it won't go away! Look I even got sand in the pockets!
I'm calling the shots around here so there won't be anymore ACCIDENTS!
Heeeeeummmrph.... I'm gonna turn in
Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!
I'm sorry Newman, you were holding us back.
Jerry.... hey Jeannie.
Newman! (Elbows him through the books. Newman falls over.)
It might be. I mean whatever you want. 
I don't see any tissues back her.. (Looks out the windows) Wait a minute!.. (Jerry looks like he's trying to keep something from Kramer) This isn't the way to the park! (Starts getting even more energetic) Where are we going?.. I recognize this block! (Looks at Jerry, scared) You're taking me to the doctor!
Only in The United States.
Well, Newman uses his mail truck to run fish for China Panda on the weekends.
(pleading) Elaine, you can't go to Newman's Newmanniun.
We've officially bottomed out, mm. Who's our next guest?
Anything you wish. I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: They're meaningless! (Laughs evilly, driving away)
Yes, and where would the absolute nearest one be?
(SHAKING HIS HEAD) You and Jerry.
Uh, well, It's a very private matter, but it's extremely urgent.
Giddy-Up. (Stagehand leaves) Jerry! Five minutes!
What! (Kramer is back to his usual way of speaking) 
Come on, did you ever read one of these?
Ya?
Get 'em up here. You give me twenty-five percent I-I'll take care of everything.
Oh, it be so. I'm out there, Jerry, an' I'm lllovin' every minute of it!!!
I wanna be a pirate.
(claps his hands) Here's our chance. What d'you say? It'll be me, you and the bro, bro.
I left a Macanaw peach in your refrigerator. 
Double or nothin'.
So, so what do you want me to do?
Well, let's look in lost and found, shall we?
Uh, listen, uh, can I borrow some pillows?
Yeah, listen, uh, Elaine, I've changed my mind about the whole coma thing. (positive) Yeah, I decided I'm up for it.
(Pleading) I was all dirty!
(over the speaker) Well that's your opinion.
Wish?! Newman!
Jerry, you wouldn't believe what it's like down there. Taxicab drivers are insane. You know, everybody is in a hurry.
Oh, wait, Did you here what I just said?
I'll take it. No, I'll take it. What is it?
...Okay, yes, shoot.
Now that's a great looking shirt! (Gets up, admiring the shirt) Aye Captain! (Growls like a pirate) Yeah! I'm glad I ironed it. It's perfect. (Walks around Jerry, inspecting the shirt) Look at it! It's fantastic!
Look, all you gotta to do, is get Amy and Jeffrey together somewhere, that's it.
What's today?
You didn't want her in the building?
AH! I don't want her disturbed.
Yeah,I had a tough day
(shouting) Jerry! We've lost the fat man, and we're running lean. We're back on track, buddy!
Remember I told you about the bank?
Uh, human. It's...human to be moved by a fragrance.
That's it George. Come on, come on. Give it to me. Come on,work it. Work it. Yeah be a man, be a man. 
Well, can you call him an ambulance?
No, Jerry, it's not what you think it is.
Now, where's that tool shed of yours?
No, no, no. You gotta spend New Year's nineteen ninety-nine with me and Jerry.
Forget it. Okay Newman's postal route is around here somewhere.
Just a few more squirts. Cause I gotta stay juicy.
Now! Now, George! Turn on the faucet! George, turn on the faucet! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mamamaaaaa!
We need a new format. We should shut down and re-tool.
Lomez, I'm Leavin'
Oh, thank you.
(at the same time) Yes, yes.
No no no, well, then who was it?
Oh, yeah.
Look, I got Super Savers! C'mon.
We'll see you later...
Wha-- 
Ohh, it's real.
Yaaaa.
Surprisingly, no. I'm freee, I'm unfettered... (opens door to leave, still very happy, then) Feel like a naked innocent boy rrroamin' the countryside!! (exits)
(to Gary) How you doing?
Toxic gas!!! 
Yeah, well he started it.
Brown?
(laughing) The French guy fell off his bike. Oh man, that's precious. (eats popcorn)
You are a lover boy!! 
Yeah, well, uh, my Japanese friends're gonna stay with me.
(To crowd) Hey, hey, hey! All right! Yeah, uh, yeah.. well.. Uh, the pants. they, uh, they fit, uh, well - and so I, uh, decided I wasn't gonna return them! (Laughs) Wooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Mike's outside. He wants to talk to you.
Ahh. Everyone just settle down. We have three hours left on this thing, and I can't drive and argue with you rubes all at the same time. Okay. Lomez's place of worship is right on the right here.
Well, now I can't see Jerry.
Yeah, I've seen them do that.
So you don't think it's a good idea?
Cigars? (hits the box)
Oh, alrighty uh...
He's the *phone* man!
(Reassuring) Hey, this look's better than anything you own. You know, in two months time, everybody's gonna be wearing the (imitates a pirate) pirate look!
Right this way, mister Doody!
Really? Feels like Tuesday.
Hello, there.
So long. I'll see you tonight.
Why, what's wrong with bro?
Well, then what did you loan her the five thousand for? Oh, look, maybe she won't take it. I mean, she did say that she was gonna think about it.
So, uhm, are you sure you don't wanna go to the movies?
Well ..I don't argue with the body Jerry. It's an argument you can't win.
Yeah well I went in there and they said Hey!
Her bouquet cleaved his hardened...
hey, watch the road! Watch the road, man!
What?
What? You're gonna go now? Hey, woah! I don't.. (watches his friends leave)
(frustrated shout) Oh come on!!
Yeah, it's baked on in. Hey, put another stick of butter in. 
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
No, Sir. We are down there. 
It's Keith.
Well, what we have here, doctor, is uhm, an extraordinary situation.
Okay.
Not that there's anything wrong with that...
Yeah.
Why?! 
Well, I tell you there's only one problem.
An hour and a half!!! I was reading a manuscript, I just couldn't put it down. 
So am I. What about my feelings? Don't my feelings count for anything? Oh, only the poor monkey's important. Everything has to be done for the monkey! Look, I'm sorry. I--
Uh, yeah. Ah, well if they're not in the box, I'm sure they'll turn up soon. Listen, could you keep an eye on the place? I wanna go out and get some paraffin wax, and bring out the lustre of this vintage countertop.
Jerry. Hey Jerry?
That's fine.
Well, I'm sorry, Jerry, we all don't have checks rolling in like you do.
(Frantic) Kramer, Kramer! I got big trouble with the - with the Van Buren Boys.
Because he's scared, Jerry.
Jerry you're a minor celebrity. If you go on this thing, it could create a minor stir. Bring that girlfriend of your and I'll only charge to 60 bucks.
(handing out anti-mail pamphlets) Here you go. Mail is evil. Pass it on. Hey, mail blows. Fax it to a friend.
Newman, wait!
Hey. Oh, uh, yeah. Uh, here are your pliers back....Weak hinge.
George! George!
Maybe that's what he's got.
And then, the evil ogre took back the magical keys from the handsome young prince.
Oh, yeah?
She talked me in to it-- she said it was the best deal.
Hey, Dwayny.
I feel Tuesday and Wednesday...
I may be old, but I'm spry. 
Ooh! Test tubes. Cool!
What is what?
Alright, you got something better?
I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building.
Oh, it's uh, it's a bold adventure.
Well you can go to your room and read.
...shell. And fondled his muscled heart. He embibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell.
Watch out!
Well, I thought they wore gloves and helmets, you know, like 'American Gladiators.'
Hey, now, they're tough cookies.
(triumph) Yesss! Alright, so it's you, it's me, and it's Jerry, huh. (claps hands) Yeah, now things are starting to snowball, huh. I'll tell Newman I don't need him. So, I'll uh, see you two in the twenty-first century.
Yeah, stir it up so it melts.
All right, I'm satisfied. We better get some gas. 
George, I thought that was the door.
Yes! And then the handsome young prince was cast out into the cruel, cruel world.
Oh, you better believe it.
Great.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I need my massages! Can't you see I'm burned out! 
I told you. 
All right, all right.
No. It's uh, (swaps patch to the other eye) it's itchy
(to Siena as she's walking out, but she appears to ignore) You know George really likes you.
I'll bet I can guess it.
Ooh. Well, this is uh, risky business, huh? I'm all a-twitter.
Oh! Big surprise ( he leaves frustrated)
Yeah, well, I got held up, you know. What happened to your hand?
It's about a guy buying a loaf of bread.
Well, they ran out of it. Manhattan can be quite pricey. Even with fifty thousand yen.
(sighs, opens door) Come on in. Did you do this? (Mike has two hand casts on)
Hi.
No.
Oh yea that feels good. Ahh, now I'm simmering.
Because we're blind to their tyranny.
Yeah, yeah. And thanks for inviting me!
Oh, go down to 88th Street. They're free.
What?
Well he could have dropped acid when you weren't looking.
Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands cursing at him in the bullpen all game.
Oh, he's cold.
Castro eh? Pasto costillo homiga (nonsense Spanish)
Look, I'll tell you what-- I'll split it with you
Got any Double Crunch?
What is going on here?
Oh I'll be up for it punk. 
What puddle?
Each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.
Mansiere?
Now that you mention it , a little woozy. 
Because I'm a pod?
But I'm tired..
It's by an unknown 20th-century poet.
Yeah, well, I left him with Marcelino!
Uh.. ah, (Looks over at Elaine, and realizes he can't tell the Van Buren Boys story) Oh, nothing - nothing.. No, I certainly don't have any stories, if that's what you're implying. (Laughs heartily)
Yeah.
All right, I've got to hose the puke off the floor of the bus.
Well, Happy Festivus.
What do you mean? 
Yeah, yeah...that'd be funny. (To driver) Hey, you can drop me here!
Hey, how did you know about the guy in the park?
It's the puffy shirt. Look at it, eh? Whatd'ya think? Is it cool or what?
Yeah, maybe we oughta become private detectives...
Why? Why? Look, I paid for her. (Jerry stops walking) 
I told you she liked me. 
You better be careful with that thing... You'll start a war.
Oh, hi Elaine, hey. (to Jerry) Hey, you missed a great game tonight, buddy!
Oh.
I guess I screwed up huh Jackie?
Yeah.
Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?
Jerry, we got 'im. I'm riding his tail. There's no escape. He's running scared, buddy.
The work piled up, I lost track of time--
Wha? Where?
Evidently. (To Elaine) Oh, by the way, tell Brett that his chest of drawers are a big hit. My guests are very comfortable in them.
My Little Jerry! (Runs out.)
Uh--ah--ah! You broke his thumbs.
Got a minute?
Anything...
Don't be a fool.
Yeah. Move along, Betty.
Well, Newman, I need your wish to protect me from FDR.
Well, they're hanging from the trees. You know, Newman found one there yesterday. Man, that guy can climb like a ring-tailed lemur!
Come on. What'd he say?
Hey.
(filling a pipe) Yeah, yeah, ok, now uh, you're clear, you got everything?
Well, you know, I gotta be goin' now.
What's that perfume?
Ah, (smacks hands) there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you guys go to the operation with me?
I'm talking about the thirty percent discount.
I don't know.
Well, if you've got needs and abilities that's a pretty good combination.
I'm not going back in there!! 
Aah! He's got a girl up there. This quilt is too thin...I know I'm gonna get cold. I don't even fit on this couch. Don't even know if I'm gonna sleep....
Newman. (On the other side of the bookcase, Newman preens proudly.)
Yeah, well, uh.. you know uh, you didn't hear from me, but, uh, the Van Buren Boys - they never hassle their own kind.
Can do.
Yeah.
There was no plan. 
Oh boy. Uh, look uh, Keith, uh, we're sorry.
I go in front first all the time.
What do you think, junior? You think these hands have been soakin' in Ivory liquid? (mimics choking somebody)
Hahaa!
I'm Kramer.
Maybe I will.
No, I'm not going to let this happen.
But why? 
Sister Roberta. 
Knick game. Horneck took me. We were sitting two rows behind the bench. We're getting hit by sweat!
The Maestro.
Yeah.
You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth.
(checks dial) I got enough to get to Memphis.
You cooked?
Nah, nah, he's not going to know the difference.
Oh well, he's more than O.K., he won!
Oh, is that what you call it when, Somebody doesn't Pay Up?
Sure.
Oh yeah, she's fantastic....
Well, not anymore. He traded it to me for some Hollywood memorabilia.
Come on! Look, I'll give you my next birthday wish, huh?
Jerry, come on. What'd you say?
Listen uh, you want some leftovers? I made some African food. There's, yambalas and uh, sambusa.
Wait wait wait wait wait. (putting a ring on Elaine's finger) Here.
 Hey, how ya doing?
Can you give him a cookie?
You should just eat fruit.
Wooo, you know what you just did? You let a burglar in the building.
That's mine. That's my smell. Jerry you've got to get that model to get me an appointment with CALVIN KLEIN.
Yeah... So c'mon,  (smacks hands and rubs them together) what d'you say?
Well, the pleasure's all mine.
Are you sure?
(Off-screen) No, I tried to do a reverse hecht off my couch and I didn't make it.
There are no delicatessens under Communism.
I left it on the coffee table or somethin' 
Can I sleep with you?
He's reaching in back. He's grabbing at something.
Jerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home.
Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station. (shrill) What's going on!?
Yeah there are a few seats still available.
There's a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank's house - everyone's invited.
What, they drove to a dealership? 
Well, I had some hard candy in there.
Oh, hey, Elaine. What, you got the munchies?
Ah!!! Yahh!!! 
She told me. She said she's never had a man stir up all of these feelings inside of her. She's questioning her faith. She's thinking of leaving the church. 
No. (To George) But I did run into somebody you might be interested in, a Mr. Jon Voight, the actor?
Last week. When I, you know, gave you the phone. He's really into my pizza place idea!
My friend he's a conductor.
Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean.
He's pulling out a gun! He's got a gun, Jerry!!
(in pain) Ow! Jeez!
So you'll do the movie? (Jerry watches the movie Kramer shot - we hear Kramer, on the tape say 'Ah man, I sat in gum')
Hey buddy.
Yeah, well I couldn't get there in time to stop it, but you should have seen Little Jerry, Jerry! Flappin' his wings and struttin' his stuff! He was peckin' and weavin' and bobbin' and talkin' trash! He didn't even have to touch him! The other rooster ran out of the ring. The whole fight lasted two seconds.
Hi.
What?
Forty-eight.
Come on. Where'd you go?
Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there baby.
Because we're engaged.
 I'm sorry.
???
Wait, uh what are ya' doing?
Somebody got killed while they had me in custody.
Federal Express? Of course. That's the oldest trick in the book. You know it might not be a burglar it could be a murderer.
I thought you said it was a scratch.
Spleenectomy.
But this'll get you around?
Ooh, how quickly we forget. You owe me buddy.
Just gonna find out if he's interested.
Why not?
I'm sure it'll come out.
Well, because the meats are divided into a class system. You got Pastrami and Corned Beef in one class and Salami and Bologna in another. That's not right.
Well, Look at it this way. We drop the dog off in front of somebody's house in the country. They find it and adopt it. Now the dog is prancing in the fields. Dancing and prancing. Fresh air. . Dandelions. We're doing this dog a huge favor.
Elaine, I'm really sorry about the armoire.
You got that right!
Now this is remarkable. I'm lounging, and yet, my pants remain perfectly creased.
Well you got that big comfortable bed and that nice warm quilt.
Hey
(smiling) Oh yeah, yeah.
Nuh! Okay Jerry, how about if Mike fixes your truuunk, we call it even, an' this way, nobody has to get hurt.
(animated) They're not real Cubans. They're Dominicans.
Well, if they don't mind sitting in the back.
Elaine, alright where's the SP2000? Cause I gotta slice.
You are one sick mama... I like it. 
Oh, yeah--Sotheby's. Yeah. They make good cake.
[In Newman's ear] This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap...
Oh, uh, this power. I'm dangerous Jerry, I'm very very dangerous. 
Rachel, aren't you gonna have any?
Well, he was a little standoffish.
Jerry, I think I'm on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the Englishman who lives down the hall?
Well my stomach was burning.
(building up steam as George bolts for the door) No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!
Yeah. There ya go. That's Beef-A-Reeno. (singing) I'm so keen-o On Beef-A-Reeno What a delicious cuisine-o Fit for a king and queen-o! Yeah. Eat up. I got thirty four more cans.
It's a golf club! It's no gun. He threw a golf club at me!
(Ow!) It's my stomach.
Right here. (Elaine enters)
Goodnight, Mr Tanaka.
Hey, you should come over. Tonight's pipe night.
Five seconds. And Marcelino says he's taking your check down today.
Dean Jones, you wanting to talk to me?
Yeah, nice to meet you.
Done!
Eh! Come on. What did you say?
Hey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop again.
Um hm.
 I had the directions on the seat right next to me, they flew out the window.
I got him chewing but I don't think he's gonna swallow.
Want any help?
Yes. It's dangerous.
No No, Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet! Ah-C'mon, what d'you say?
Remember this?
I'm not taking her out just to influence the results.
Hey Jerry, I saw your girlfriend was in here before. 
Ah, you're making too much of it.
Well, you know, if you're in the Politburo, maybe.
Well I thought it was so your parents wouldn't walk in while you're with a girl. 
Come on. Are you sure?
Why?
Jeannie left?
No, Jerry!
So, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off.
Are they war veterans?
We're making sausages.
Ok, I'll go with you.
(Together) Sucker..
Yup! Yup! 
Hey, buddy.
No, but I know I've seen cake just like that. Oh--Entenmann's. Yeah.
So, is everything cool? or what?
wait det doit ... dit  (Kramer noises -- he prepares for a fight by rolling up a magazine)
(To Elaine, muffled, low, and threatening) Elaine, you want to stop?
You mean you've never tasted lobster?
No, I couldn't, his cab pulled away. But he did, however, make an impression on me. (Pulls up his sleeve and shows George his arm.) Look.
The last couple a days he's been acting very strange. I think he's avoiding me.
You get to make your own pie!
Hey. Well, I just spoke to your girlfriend.
Well I didn't know the balm was gonna work.
No.
If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!
Hey, I'm under fire here. (another club hits) I'm under heavy fire here, boy. (another hit) Jeez! That was a five-iron!
(putting briefcase down) You know what? You're right. These reports, they can wait a couple of hours. Whadda say we go out tonight? Any place you want.
(He shows her) This umpf thing.
Goodnight, Mr Oh.
What? (Kramer checks it out.) My face is all craggly, it's crinkly.
Hey.
See that was nice, Jerry. (under breath) Oh, by the way, I'm the one who broke your trunk.
So, you'd like me to teach how to dance?
...Yeah.
Yeah. I know that. Uh, uh.
Yeah.
(lighting his pipe) It's my mom's.
 Well I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway, and I thought that the address was 8713 Riviera Drive.  Uh uh, so I drove around knocking on everybody's doors that had those numbers; 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837, whoo. Finally, I hit it.  8173.
I'd love to help you move.
So, how long you been drivin' this thing?
Yes, I'm free. (singing) 'cause the murderer struck again!
Hey, you got the food?
Let's go.
[In Newman's ear] A piece of crap...
Now what's that?
Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a ring ding. And two butter fingers on the train. Sounds familiar?
Hey guess who's going to be the new ball man for the finals. 
Yep. Sat down, had herself a piece of pie. 
Right!
Well I don't know . I was in the bathroom , the kitchen... 
Yeah!
Oh yeah! Well that's nice. I'm sure that's right up her alley.
You should sleep with him.</font>
No! Don't!
Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else like it.
Yeah, an instructional video about how to make your own sausages.
Jerry, (claps) aaya - what are you doin' tomorrow? I want you to come by the set.
Oh, well you have fun...(Elaine leaves) oh no clowns...hate clowns...the clowns.
I thought I heard you.
Well, no. They're not really in the supermarket. Yeah, they got their own case at the end of the aisle.
How often do you cut your toe nails?
Okay, ... gidg gi gt  (backs up and bends his knees, holding the rolled magazine - arm back, ready for a rumble)
You know, I never thought of it like that before, doctor. (points) You, are absolutely right.
C'mon, C'mon. You wanna go? (pats Jerry a couple times on the shoulder quietly) C'mon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow. You're so pious. I really respect that. You know when you die, you're gonna get some special attention.
His tooth marks. He bit me.
Yeah! And get this: I just got off the elevator with him and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I said to him, like I, I was like this, I went, 'Oh, by the way, I know about the stuff.'
Yea.
Hey! (indicating photos) So what d'you think? You like it?
Anyway, she asked me to apologize to Barry.
Well I ...
Yeah. They were..quite taken with it.
Nestl&eacute;'s Quik!
Jeez! What happened to your car, buddy?
Ah ha!
You got it, buddy.
No, no. That ain't dancing, Sally.
Goodnight, Mr Yamaguchi.
Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood. Everything I have I owe to this face.
Hey, Little Jerry won his cockfight.
I know it sounds pretty glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.
Joe DiMaggio, you know this time I went in and sat down across from him and I really watched him. I studied, his every move. For example, he dunks.
Alright I'll get a blender.
Well, nothin's sexier than a woman behind the wheel of a semi.
Do? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You know, I've always done what I do. I'm doing what I do, way I've always done and the way I'll always do it.
What took you so long? Hey, Ping!
Right in the kitchen. Disgraceful.
[In Newman's ear] I find you extremely ugly...
Well, is it alright if I try it?
Remember that night I found you at Dinky Donuts? You were all *hopped* up on cinnamon swirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore! You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand and stuffin' cantaloupe down your throat! So much for gratitude... yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah. They said they haven't seen anybody go after balls with such gusto. 
(rushed) Yea, Hey. (Kramer enters.) Um, you wanted to see me Father? 
What else? 
..you know, very casually,
Well I......( Elaine pops in at that moment)
Wait a minute, I think he's done. (peers at the Saab) Oh no, he's taking out the woods!
Nothin'
(looking down, nodding) Hi.
Yes, yes. The quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. These guys don't have it.
Because they're terrified of her. I heard from someone that when they cut one of her lines, she climbed up the rope on side of the stage and started dropping lights on peoples heads. Story like that has got to be true.
All right, all right. Newman, let's go grab some mail sacks and haul these beauties out of here.
Nope, we got a whole new format. Edgy, youthful, plus ... we got Jim Fowler!
Heh.
'cos the other night , you know, I was sleeping with Marion I rolled over and I cut her ankle with my big toe.
No sweat.
I want one of those!
(reaching in pocket) Hey, would you like a cigar? Y'know, they're Cubans.
All right, I'm going in.
Hey, what's going on?
Yeah.
Hey.
Jerry, I had some milk, I made a sandwich. I got to get out of the building. 
The monkey.
I'm sorry Jackie.
Wow. Well, don't you sweat it. You can use my car any time you want to.
Alright, come on Frank. It's your shot.
(noise)
You stink. (He exits)
Look away, I'm hideous.
Who?
And with Darren's help, we'll get that chicken.
(entering Monk's) Hey, you guys.
That's right.
Yes, yes I am.
You got a blender.
You know, I always wanted to drive the big rigs. I used to watch those commercials during the reruns of Gomer Pyle.
What do you want me to say? That the things haven't worked out the way that I planned? That I'm struggling, barely able to keep my head above water? That L.A. is a cold place even in the middle of the summer? That it's a lonely place even when your stuck in traffic at the Hollywood Freeway? That I'm no better than a screenwriter driving a cab, a starlet turning tricks, a producer in a house he can't afford? Is that what you want me to say?
Yeah. Where's yours?
Oh yeah!
I know what this is about Father. I didn't do anything. I just spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. It's just that, that I have this power. 
Listen to this, 'If a player cleans his ball during the play of a hole accept on the putting green he shall incur a penalty of one stroke. ' That's a rule, Jerry.
No, it's justifiable. He thought I was going for his wallet.
(cont'd) so that he was gonna take me into his confidence.
Well, it's not a beauty contest. It's just a way for people to get to know one another.
Hi...........What's that?
(yelling at Tony) You'll have to do a lot better than that!
No.
Rice Crispies. East meets West, Jerry.
Yeah, yeah..
Hey. Oh, Elaine. I'm glad you're here. Stay right there. I'm gonna be right back. (He exits)
Jerry, your palate's unrefined.
Jerry, you're not in show business. You don't know what these people are like.
Well, I practically raised his kids.
It's Phil's.
Who's that?
What?
By the way, thanks a lot for inviting me to the flea market.
Oh yes
Yeah. You know, I think Elaine is a wonderful woman. You two are gonna make a wonderful couple.
Hey! That guy owes me 240 bucks!
[In Newman's ear] You emit a foul and unpleasant odour...
Junior Mints. Do you want one?
What's happenin' here?
Bald?
Nothing doing. Jerry, I didn't do anything. It's the monkey that should be apologizing to me.
(Motions with his head) Yeah, get over.
No kidding.
(Like a professional) Well, that's because you don't know how to follow through correctly.
O.K., listen, I want you to come by later, alright? 'Cause we're having a victory party for Little Jerry.
(hesitant) I uh, I was thinking maybe I should spend the night.
Well, I have to say this seems capricious and arbitrary.
Joey Zanfino and some of the neighborhood kids. They ambushed me with a box of 'Grade A's.
Oh, it's fantastic. We were out in front of the post office today, and not one person went in.
Our rickshaw?
Oh, he's a dunker.
Uh, yes. Well, it's, uh, very intriguing.
(to Elaine)  You better zip up.  I couldn't get the top on the convertible up.
Hey.
I'm telling you, something's going on. I can feel it, sense it.
Really?
Oh, that's too bad.
She's somethin', huh? She's a wild one. She's wearin' me out.
We'll see you Dwayne.
Kavorka? 
Because that's the way I weas raised. You know when I was growing up I had to be in bed every night by nine o'clock. And if I wasn't, well I don't have to tell you what happened.
That he did. Now, you got that pencil with the bite marks on it? We get a trained eye to match 'em up, and we'll see whether or not you're driving Jon Voight's car!
'What stuff?'
Okay, who wants meatloaf?
Hey...
Wow.
This truck is dying. We're losing him.
No
Elaine!
(opening the fridge) Sayonara.
Oh, hey! Hey, have I told you about my bunions? Oh, you're gonna love this story! (Rubs his hands together) So, I line up my cold cuts on the couch next to me, but as I'm stacking them up, they keep falling into my foot bath! (Jerry and Elaine look disgusted)
Ooo, yeah.. (indicating his face, embarrassed) (Heh, right.) You know, it's gettin' kind of late, I, I really have to be going, so, uh, it's nice seeing you again, all right--
Is too.
Oh, come on! What am I gonna do? She's going to eat me alive.
(Pops his head into Jerry's apartment) Hey, come on over, Dr. Zhivago's on cable in five minutes.. I'm making popcorn! (Leaves)
What? Two animal acts on the same show? (turns to Jerry) What is this, amateur hour? Look, George, I'm sorry, maybe another time, all right? (drums table and exits)
(in the shower, reading an instruction manual) Installing your Clarkman garbage disposal. Dismantle latch hasp beneath main drainage lot. Oh, come on, Clarkman.
(Shocked at her ugliness, he stammers) Hello.
Our neighbor that you... turned against. (Jerry reacts) Anyway, I told him it'd be fine with us if he wanted to let it stretch its wings out in the hallway.
Yeah, Jerry, he told me all about it.
Well, I'm not saying that! You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl...
Well I came back for you.
(lighting Dr Reston's cigar) Uh huh.
Now, I can't see..... Psst.... Psst...
What about the baby?
(to the ticket man) Uh, yeah, a ticket for Kramer. 
Wha-- Oh, hey.
(going after Toby) Toby! Toby!
(enters apartment, points at Jerry) Hey, what are you doing later?
...Steve. (to Jerry) Ah, you see?
Well, I'm sorry. Well, George, I tried to put the good word in for you with Siena, but I don't think she heard me. You know, left ear?
Yeah, merry Christmas.
Right here, come on, I'll show you.. (Gets behind Frank, holding the pool stick with him) Take hold of your stick.. alright, bring it back slowly..
I think we lost him.
(surprise) What?
Oh, no. I'm fine. Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity now.
Elaine?
And nothing diverts his attention. Like, I'm uh, you know, I-I, like I'm sitting in there, you know. And, uh, I start banging on the table, you know, to uh, so that he'll look up, you know, Like I'm sitting there you know and uh, *bang* (slams the table) You know, *bang* He wouldn't move. So then I start doing these yelping noises. Like, *yip* (high pitched yelping noises) *yip*. No reaction because the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything that's going on around him. See, that's how he played baseball. He dunks like he hits.
My contention?
 Yeah, wait till we get on the Expressway.
Is this the interference?
Oh no no no, this is no joke. O'Brien's coming in from Chicago, Jerry's in a limo, says he's O'Brien? That's not funny. Oh my god. Yes. Yes!
Yeah.
(Standing up, greeting the men) Buenos dias.
She's sensual. You know, with the...cooking and all. (Kramer grins happily at Jerry and leaves. The phone rings. Jerry tosses the trashbag to George.)
[In Newman's ear] I *loathe* you...
... Cou, ye, ge...
I don't understand. 
You know he talked about Pinkus on the course?
No, you don't understand, you see, he swallowed. See, the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something! Now, I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna borrow some tea. If I don't get back in five minutes, maybe you'd better call the police.
(to Joel) It's gonna be hot in a minute.
Hey.
Yeaaahmm....
I don't like her.
Damn!
George, it's over. It's just.. It's Over. (leaves)
Is too.
Oh, hey,
Yayaya...
Huh? Well, it symbolizes our persecution.
Is, uh, David Puddy there?
Because since you've been playing God with the front door, I've been tryin' to smooth things out, Jerry. In fact, I was just hanging out at his place.
(Exiting the bedroom with Newman) Let's talk in Jerry's kitchen. I'll make some cocoa.
Hey, c'mon, c'mon, get off me!
Yeah, well I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV.
(lighting his own cigar) Well, that's very kind of you.
(To Jerry) Hey, you watchin' Oprah?
It was on the seat...
Y-ea (pours a few more Junior Mints into his hand and eats them)
We'll take it!
I'll have a brewsky, Charlie.
Oh, yeah. (snaps fingers) You know, I forgot my wallet. 
Oh, you liked it huh.
Got any coffee?
(voice; yelling) Toby! (Shot of a shocked Kramer is shown) Oh, Oh!
Any word from Nana?
Well, maybe you should try again. You know what happens the first time: people are a little shy, a little reticent.
(interested) Well, how do you do?
Yeah, her boss told me that she can't hear very well out of her left ear. What, you didn't know that?
Hey.
I do?
All right ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Peterman Reality Tour...
(Trying to open a back of chips) Jerry, the anger, it just melts right off. Serenity now. Look at this. Serenity now!
Yeah listen, I need my slicer back.
Protect Festivus! Hey, no bagels, no bagels, no bagels, (Continues to chant)
Well, then the waitress, she comes up and she tells me to shut up or they're gonna throw me out.
Yes, that's my contention.
Don't you see? There's always been something very strange about Jerry, always so clean and organized. Do I have to spell it out for you? The limo? The name? The rally at Madison Square Garden? Jerry, O'Brien are the same person. Jerry is the leader of the Aryan Union!
Mmm, these are good, huh?
Uh, Kramer.
Help me Father. Help me. 
What did you go up there to heckle her for?
Oh yeah, he said he brought a pair of pants into Pinkus' and they came back stained with some kind of dry cleaning fluid. And Pinkus denied responsibility. You see he was very upset with Pinkus.
Yeah!
I've gotta feed the birds.
Hey.
What, he's not here yet?
Ooh Mama...( walks away)
(subdued) Yeah, yeah, I'll get 'em.
That's right I don't like , I never like her from the get-go.
Oh yea, I like this idea. (sounding very much like Jerry)</font>
(fearful) There was a man, he was trying to get into my apartment last night. He was jiggling the doorknob for twenty-five minutes.
Oh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories from Newman - but they all stink!
Yeah. Open it.
Are too.
Hal, .. uh Langerhans.
Well, this is Kramer.
Well, I don't know, but the key problem is solved. I hid it at Phil's...
(to a room) Vote for Kramer. (to a man walking by) Cosmo Kramer. I'm running for condo president. I'd like your vote. Thanks. (to an old woman) Remember, ma'am, a vote for me, is a vote for Kramer.
Hey you keep that mutt away from me.
Uh, is it all right if I stay for the intervention?
Hey.
Ok, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything.
(quiet) Oh.
[In Newman's ear] Make us.
The machine. You want one?
Oh, there's nothing like a cold one after a long day, eh?
Are you kidding me? 
Oh. (continuing to itch and scratch from the sand)
My quilt is still at the cleaners. Jerry, I can't sleep without my quilt. Like the other night? I was cold. So, last night, I turn up the heat - it's too hot. I open up a window - it's too cold. (Frantic) I can't get into a zone!
All right, where you going?
Oh yeah, come on in, Frank.
Serenity! (He exits)
Oh, well. I, uh, thought we made a deal for Quinn's t-shirt.
Hey, what's going on?
Newman died?
Hola, Jerry! I'm into this Puerto Rican day! The sights! The sounds! The hot, spicy flavor of it all! It's caliente, Jerry!
I can't believe I didn't see it.
(Leaning in, confidentially) Cigars.
Yeah, right...
Oh, YEAH! You gave her a taste of medicine, alright.
Yeah, but maybe I pushed him over the edge.
Hi Mr. Clotworthy
You got any of those mini Ritzes?
Listen, I'm gonna need those glasses.
Everything she thinks. you think. Everything you think she thinks. No I can't take it. I can't take it Jerry. It's too much. It's too much.
No, no, no. It was a fearless cat burglar. (pleading) Now listen, you gotta let me sleep here, huh? Y'know, I'll stay here on my side, and I'll stuff a sock in my mouth. (panicky) 'Cos I don't wanna sleep alone.
Eight bucks! I think I got ripped off! (Leaves, yelling out 'Newman!')
That's pretty good, huh?
Are too.
Oh, Kitzmiller. That's right
And go we will.
Um, listen, you're a mechanic. Could you help me install a garbage disposal?
(From a phone booth right outside the store) Elaine, you should get out of there. I sabotaged the bagel machine last night. It's going down.
No, he doesn't know. See, I hid it without tellin' him. So, uh, (starts walking towards door) Phil won't be compulsively looking for it like some people... You! (points at Jerry)
Gladly.
Rusty!
I'm a friend. Who do you think told him to pour the Gatorade over Marty Benson's head?
Well, Newman's upstairs visiting Martin.
(To Jerry) No, I don't want it back.
You guys ready?
Here, take one.
Oh yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two. But then again, I've been known to do a lot of things. (Waiter opens the counter which hits Kramer on the head) Cigarette?
Come on, just look at me. Tell me I'm not Kramer. 
Hey. 
alright, who's gonna tell her 
Huh?
Well, Jerry, it's your obligation. C'mon.
(keen) What was I telling you? Isn't this nice?
Hey, well, this is Sally.
Hewwo and welcome to Movie phone. Brought to you by the New York Times and Hot 97. Coming to theaters this Friday ... Kevin Bacon, Susan Sarandon -- 'You've got to get me over that mountain!' 'Now' (bang, bang) 'AHHHHHHHHHH' There is no place higher than ... Mountain High . Rated R. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press 1.
Keflon.
No, I can't, I can't. See, I told Frank he could borrow it. Yeah, he wants to move some of George's stuff into storage.
My blade is all dinged up. Oh, come on! Elaine!
Yeah, I know! I was watchin' the game.
You don't think so.
No no I'm not ready, things are starting to happen.
(Definite) Cigars.
I want to talk to Calvin.
It's yellow mustard. [To George] Can you break a twenty?
I don't understand it. I was with her last night in my apartment; it was very romantic. Y'know with that fake wood wallpaper, the atmosphere is *fabulous* in there, now. It's like a ski lodge.
The sand, it's everywhere! (blows on his arm)
Poor Pinkus, poor little Pinkus.
Jerry, look, come on, I'm an invited guest. I can't be aiding and abetting some...party-crasher.
Ah couldn't be better. Hi Lorraine.
 Hey.
Yeah! Well, are you going out?
Yeah, he was.
They're Geoffrey Haarwood's.
So THAT's how it's going to be
Here you go. Snap, crackle and pop.
That was a close one.</font>
Remember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it.
Are too.
Oh, I'm jiff.
We have a bonus reality stop today. We will be hauling muffin stumps to the local repository.
Cat fight?
No. It says 'main line'.
You've been warned.
(Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. We'll get back to you. (Pulling the rickshaw with Newman) Let's get this baby home.
Hey, you know I got someone to make up that cologne for me, big mouth.
You're not going?
Hey hey hey!! Come on! Jerry, George, now stop it!
You said it, sister.
Hey, I'm going to be right back. I'm going to get a match.
No, they're good! Take one..
Hey.
I suck'em down like Coca-Cola. Well here's to feeling good all the time. (Kramer drinks the beer and smokes the cigarette at the same time. Barry sniffs) Looks like you've got yourself a little cold there, eh fella?
Look, I'll drive out here tomorrow and I'll show the I.D. I got nothing to do all day. 
I've got the Kavorka Jerry. 
it was your fault 
Oh, I forgot. (Hands back Jerry's can opener.)
So how'd you come up with the idea for the belt-less trench coat?
Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe.
No, no, no, I don't wanna go to the circus, Jerry.
Elaine?
(proffering) Here, try this pair.
Oh, great ride.
I didn't realize it was a full box. 
(loudly) Good morning, Mr Oh. I gotta make up the drawer.
So, I'll uh... all right. (Hangs up)
And we're off.
Oh, listen, Jerry. One of your friends came by and he was very upset that I had your wheels.
Come on, this is important! (Shakes the door handle and it comes loose. Kramer falls backwards to the next door.)
All right, who's down there?
Yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive.
She does fine work.
Uh, see here, I.. (Pulls out a paper ring from his pocket) I saved one of the cigar rings..
(To himself) Hey, look. An hour with Patrick Swayze.
Let me talk to Calvin.
Commando 8 has arrived!
Oh you'll be ok. I'll see you later.
Yei-
No, I got 'em in the ocean.
My mom Babs.
 I'm watching your door.
Hey, where's your new jacket? (Jerry points to the jacket hanging in the bathroom. It's ruined.) What? (Kramer enters the bathroom, and sees the garment.) Ohhh. What did you do to it?
Oh I accept.
All right, [claps hands] I'm gonna go get some soup.
Uh, Cosmo Kramer?
Ahh! Mr. Ross. Mrs. Ross. My name is Cosmo and I'll be your driver for this evening. We have blankets for your comfort. I also have hot chocolate if the mood should strike you.
OH! GOD HELP US!!!
Because if Jerry finds out that I'm hooked on Roger's chicken I'm back there with the red menace.</font>
Oh yeah, I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's birthday comes up, I keep my ears open. So what'd you get her?
Oh, listen I gotta get to the pier. The ferry traffic is really bad around four thirty. Look, I still got the key to your apartment and I'll get it back to you as soon as I can.
Yeye cat fight!
Yeah.
What?
Why not?
Ok, it's forgotten.
Just take one.
Anyway, we were on the couch, I move to hug her, next thing she tells me she's leaving; she's got to get up early.
Hey listen, if I give you money would you go out and get me some fruit?
Me neither.
-ca. 
Where's a phone? 
The lure of the animal. I'm dangerous. 
(reading from the Penthouse Forum) 'I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but every word of this story is true...' (exits to street) ' A few weeks ago my girlfriend happened to mention to me how attractive she thought our new neighbor Linda was...'
How serendipitous.
Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.
No. Alright, watch me now. (Karen sits on the bed. Kramer walks across the room like a Miss America contestant with a big smile on his face.) Turn, back, head up, shoulders back...posture. You see? Posture.
Oh, I love curls.
Yeah, but I'm afraid of clowns!
You got a problem with Woody Woodpecker?
Shall we go?
Oh, no. I don't wear a watch.
I don't know.
Well, buddy, (claps) he's taking the case!  Jackie Chiles is right on it!  Right on it, he's all over it!
What're you talking about?! We had a deal!
No, Julie. She's the one.
Well, I didn't catch his name, but then he went running into the park.
Wow, that's a lot of potatoes.
Hey, Elaine.
Hey, come on, these are some of my polar bear buddies.
(Pointing at the cigar, incredibly nervous) Yeah, yeah. That- that's, uh, okay, So, uh, I'd like to buy a couple of boxes of those from you, yeah?
Yeah, uh.
12.000 BTU's of raw cooling power. (Kramer places the air conditioner in the window) Installed!
Well, I found this rope and I kept tugging on it, and all these lobsters came up.
  Yeah, from my peephole.  Fisheye, sees all.
Don't you know what that does to suede?
Yeah, it's a pleasure doin' business with a gentleman like yourself. (Elaine enters)
What's going on?
Uh, no thanks.
Well, if we're all set to go, why don't you two hop aboard and let me show you a little taste of old New York...the way it once was. Oh, happy anniversary. On, Rusty!
How do you know he's not wondering the same thing about you?
Cash? You gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would get her.
T-t-t-t...
So, George took my slicer down to Kruger and they're smoothing it out for me.
Oh, OK. Well, thanks, buddy.
Yes, that's true.
...just a man and not a freak, Joltin' Joe DiMaggio. Joe, Joe. Go, Joe...
I dig.
Hey hey hey! I don't want to hear another word out of either one of you!
Well I got banned from the store I can't go back in there now.
The priests they're helping me. I just bathed in vinegar. 
hey 
Ahh.
Mmm
No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, 'I got a toe here, buddy - step on it.'
Let's try a few more questions, alright? (Karen stands up.) If you were Miss America, and the U.S. was on the brink of a nuclear war, and the only way the conflict could be averted was if you agreed to sleep with the enemy's leader, what would you do?
All right, I'll see you later.
That's right. He's a troublemaker.
Ho ho ho ho A racing car set! Those are assembled in Tai Wan by kids like you. And these Coleman pigs, they sell it at triple the cost.
Yes, It's a fine day
Well, I tell time by the sun.
(clapping Jerry on the back) Oh yeah, he's all ready to go.
Why, wh-wh-what's wrong, come on?
Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a week.
Yeah. uh..I was in here the other day and I went up to that teller and he didn't say hello.
(indicating that cars should pass him) Well, go around, you bunch of crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed.
Well, Mickey and her have a lot more in common. you know her parents are little people?
(seeing Newman pull up along side him in his truck) Hey.
Hey! How do you like your bagels now?!
Did you hear about Newman?
I want my vacuum cleaner! I know you can hear me. Look my mother, she's going to come and visit me. She sees that rug, she's going to kill me.
Yeah, ok.
Um, wha - oh, illegal, huh?
I'm here to talk about the ocean.
Ge--
No, just plug it in and the Commando 8 does the rest. (And to Jerry:) I'll seal that up later, right?
Take it easy. There's plenty of lobsters in the ocean for everyone.
[Yeah] (through the door)
 Newman!
Oh hi Elaine. What are you doing here?
Oh. Well listen, I almost forgot to ask you. What happened at the funeral? Now, did you talk to Alec berg?
Mr. O'Neill?
No.
What do I mean?.. Well perhaps he thinks that you're working him for the discount. Shaking that little butt of yours into big, big savings.... And then when you get it,you know, you drop him like a hot potato.
What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?
(To Jerry) Yates.
Huh, yeah. (looks round) Oh, sweet setup. Elaine, d'you have any paint thinner? I need like uh, forty gallons.
Yeah, sure, um, oh boy, . . .
Boy, that looks like an allergic reaction. Have you been wearing a fake beard?
Well, there's only one way to settle this. (Starts pointing back and forth between Newman and him with each word of the rhyme) One spot, two spot, zig, zag, tear, pop-die, pennygot, tennyum, tear, harum, scare 'em, rip 'em, tear 'em, tay, taw, toe..
Ay ay ay! The next one of you that opens up your mouth, says something, you're gonna have to deal with me. You know, I bet I know what this is about. It's about a woman, isn't it?
Hey.
And I was looking good, too. I had a nice, new shirt on, I'm wearing *your* jacket...
Well you know, we had a fight over the peach and uh well Joe doesn't want my business.
Oh, God. 
Keep away Jerry. Keep away. 
'...well of course I noticed it too with those cannibal breasts and pouty lips. I don't have to tell you she was a knock out....' (turns the page)
Did you call Jack Klompus yet?
Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, 'Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?' I said, 'Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy - ' (Kramer throws two quick punches and a massive uppercut) - knocked him out cold!
Yes, they're important! If you stumble, if you hesitate, you can kiss the crown goodbye. Now if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times - poise counts! It's just as important as the others. Swimsuit! Evening wear! Talent! POISE!
Genderson's.
You see kid, you're being bamboozaled. These capatalist fat cats are inflating the profit margin and reducing your total number of toys.
Hey, everything my man.
Now, it's called the bro.
Well, I can guess within an hour.
Oh yeah, she called a little earlier. She's coming over to check out lost and found.
uuh-
Well, it's common sense.
yeah., but he wouldn't give me the money.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Cosmo Kramer. Yeah, I had an appointment to annul my living will.
Mister Peterson, you gotta sell me my stories back!
Oh yeah, and vice versa. Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry.
I know, I'm gonna switch the bucket to something else.
Why would I buy another one when I spent a hundred bucks on this one?
Hey hey, whoa come on give me a hug...
Now I don't want any trouble Calvin.
yeah 
Oh, Jerry, you got my clothes?
Alright, so he's gonna give you the hockey tickets, huh?
Yeah, uh, look, you don't know me.
Hey, you wanna come down the fire station with me?
I have to?
Now see the two of you need to work on trust... and then and only then will there be a free exchange of sex and discounts.. Cornerstones of a healthy relationship....and now if you would (taps twice on the door) excuse us. We need to get to bed.
Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes..
Jackie we gotta talk.
Oh man, if I don't get that black paint off the City's gonna go ape. I don't wanna lose my baby!
That's it.
Well, what have you been doing?
Best two out of three? (Starts the pointing and the rhyme again) One spot, two spot..
I'm sorry, I don't care for that sorry.
Hey, he's a terrific guy.
Jerry, I need another massage! 
for a little while 
No, no I can't comprehend it?
Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion...the bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus.
Ahhh! (Shocked after seeing the baby)
It's weighing on my conscience.
Alright, alright. Look, Jerry, we gotta get down to PBS, PDQ.
So, uh... what are you gonna do with that one now?
Yeah, but I prefer the bro.
Yeah.
Yeah-
Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole story, you should settle this.
(softly)hmmm....patio furniture's on sale.
What?
Those people, listen to yourself.
Why did you get rid of that sausage?
What?
Well, we'll see.
I don't want a carpet sweeper. They don't do anything.
Yeah yeah! You see, this is exactly what they want to do to you. They play one against the other. You can't let them manipulate you like that.
Jerry, what am I gonna do for fruit?
Of what?
Yeah uh, Elaine uh, what'd he say? 
Didn't Elaine call you?
 I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!
Boy...
He's mad, isn't he? See, I knew it.
No, it's uh, not that see,. It's about a little boy in a hospital. I was wondering if you could do something to lift his spirits.
Yeah, I made a map of my shortcuts. I'm gonna rock their world!
See, that's why I don't want to.
Hey you!
Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get ahead..
But Jackie--
Oh, we go back a ways.
Whoa whoa, backup, Dr. Sitarides, what happened there?
(pulling a liquor bottle from his jacket pocket) Well, I guess it started about twenty years ago when I got back from Viet Nam, and this was the only friend I had left.
So , you blew it?
Maybe he's with the company.
Well, we talked about a lot of things.
Because of the Giant game! I told you, It went overtime! You know what those seats are like. They're very unforgiving. 
Well yeah, yeah. He could build the rocket, but-but he's still stupid for double-parking and blocking somebody in.
Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin' me! So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept drivin' the bus with the other, y'know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door you know with my foot, you know - at the next stop.
(smiling) Well...
Well, night's tougher but it's only a couple of hours.
Uh, yeah.
Well, your attitude has certainly changed.
(knocks on desk) Is thi oak?
Mail fraud. Your in a lot of trouble buddy. 
Yippie-yi-yay!
Oh, the relationship. (He leaves)
You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.
I was going to dump this.
Yeah well, Newman's not happy, he booted me out of his freezer. Look, I've got to take my blood back to the bank, can I borrow your car?
Are you through?
The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.
Noh noh noh! I want you guys to shake hands. Come on, there are plenty of women out there for all of us, let's go.
Jerry! C'mon, it's an emergency!
The supermarket? That's impossible! They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the Papayas! Jerry you gotta go to Joe's, you gotta get me some fruit!
Oh that's fatal, you don't want that!
Your boss. Didn't you tell him about the coffee table book? 
uh.. 
Well what are you doing here?
You ma, know I've been thinking. I want you to quit that matron job.
Yeah.
Alright, so what happened when you saw him?
Sure, well I promised you would hit him two home runs.
Oh, so he took you back.
You know what you are? You're a ribbon bully. (Walks away.)
What happened to Newman?
(waddling after Joey) Joey! Joey!
I don't even really work here!
So Heather called?</font>
Jackie, I think I gotta case against the tobacco companies.
That's right.
There, there's your hives.
Hey, Silvio!
(loudly) Now you gotta shut up!.....(Sally is speechless)...I'm sorry, I..I haven't spoken in days.
Let me have her number.
Yes. You see? Isn't that better than fighting? Animosity? I mean, you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me. Oh, by the way George, you know those condoms I gave you? They're defective, don't use them.
The CIA! Maybe they placed him in there to infiltrate the organization from within.
Yeah.
Yah-hey.
South America?
She doesn't know what she's talking about. 
And then the game-winning field goal went over the net and into the crowd and I dove over three rows! My back, it's killing me! (whining) It's killing me Jerry! 
Yeah, on one hand he's smart with rockets and on the other hand he's dumb with parking. . . . It's cold out here huh?
Well, people kept ringin' the bell!
ho ho ho ho.
You got it?
(shouting) Yeah yeah, we're cracking along pretty good! We're almost up to 80 degrees!
Now listen, Jerry, I'm gonna need you to testify.
Alright, I'm down.
HEY!! Sh..! Shii! MAMA!!
Pine is good.
Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
Well it's muffin stumps
I got no A/C and I gotta keep the blood cold or it'll go bad.
Are you through?
Oh,
I wouldn't set foot in your house.
Well, you know, I'm packing for Puerto Rico, I need to borrow your bathing suit.
Yeah, you didn't tell him didya? 
whoa whoa ginga, you were supposed to tie the knot 
Jerry, where are all the tote bags?
Oh, the stub, yeah. I left it in my, my pants
Well maybe we could go into business together. If you're clean?
What whip?
You gonna throw this out?
C'mon!
Uh huh.
You know, Klick!. A couple of dingers.
Well, you know the important thing is that you learned something.
Wh...wh...wh... what's the problem here?
AAH! AAGH!
Oh yeah right it's raining.
No, but this is all very exciting. (sounding very much like jerry)</font>
The tobacco companies.
No, no. She put a stop to that.
Jerry, as the Bible says; Thou who cureth, can maketh ill.
Huh?
Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
I know how to handle these psychotics.
Right.
That's the perfect cover! All that time on the road? Look Jerry, he's too normal to be a comedian. These comedians, they're sick, neurotic people.
Alright, I'll call her right now.
I got mugged.
Well that's a burgeoning continent.
Oh I got the ball. 
How about Idi Amin, huh?
Well! I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line.
(to Frank) I told you.
Yeah, ok. Wait. (concentrates and makes the 'pop!' sound) Done! (Jerry stares, confused)
Jerry, Jerry, you gotta testify!
Yeah.. (Sizes up his next shot. His stick jams into the window as he draws back) See? This is no good.. (Looks around the room. His sights fall on the Maestro's baton) Hey, the baton. (Chalks it up) I got a hunch, fat man, I can't miss. (Measures up his shot) 13 in the side pocket. (Does just that) Giddy-up. (Moves around to the other side of the board, judging his next move) Six in the corner. (Hits it in) This table's mine. (A series of Kramer's plays are displayed, and, on the last ball of the game..) You know where it's going..
(Going to the phone) I don't believe this
Mornin'.
(opens door) Uh--George, uh--uh--it's five o'clock in the morning, what's the matter with you..
You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. 'Hey, denty!' Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.
Hi, I'm H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy American industrialist uh, looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru and uh, before I invest millions in a lucrative mine, I, I'd like to go a little native. Uh, Get the feel of their condiments, of their unmentionables, you know, the real uh, gritty-gritty.
This is a garbage dump. Just let me dump it.
All right, Even Steven. Oh, by the way, when you get back to your apartment try to keep it down because Newman is taking a nap in your bed.
Hey.
Well, I like yours.
No, no, it's all right. I had a friend who had rabies once. (George's eating chips) May I have one of those, madam?
(simultaneous) Wait a minute, on the cover I'm... 
Well, I'm not leaving the premises without tote bags. I was promised tote bags and tote bags I shall have.
Well, I sold them to Bania.
I've got plenty of ideas.
Well, you know in the old days, when the senators didn't vote the way that the party leaders wanted 'em to... they whipped them. (holds imaginary whip) You better vote the way we want you to, or there's gonna be big trouble. (cracks invisible whip and makes sound effect)
What?
See, I told you, Jerry, I told you!
Why not?
Yeah, well, no good?
No, no, no, no, no. This man is not insane. Now there's nothing wrong with it or you.
What time do you need it at?
Well there is the possibility that you've gone right out of your mind.</font>
Well, that's out of the question.
Oh, boy.
Oh yeah. Exercises every muscle in the body. It's great for the back.
Oh, man...(looks to the glove compartment for a manual.) 'If the engine begins to overheat, turn off air conditioner'. Never, I can't do that.
Oh, no, no, no. That's exactly how you said it was going down.
Now you listen to me, you've got to find this woman and tell her that you're not a test tube pin cushion.
Relax, Silvio.
Oh, no. We're campaigning, Jerry. To rule the people, one... must walk among them.
No, lets go to the couch...
Well, ah you were right.
(George takes off the hat , he's got that cream on again) Pheeewwww! Boy! You stink.
Defective.
What about him, he's part of it. His whole personality is a disguise. No real person can act the way he does. Elaine, I'm telling you they're with the organization. They're all part of it. He's in there with Helms and Hunt and Liddy, that whole crowd. George and Jerry, they probably know who killed Kennedy!
Alright look I'm gonna make you a fruit list, all right?
Tell me about it.
Well, It's quite a thrill. 
Are those shoes comfortable?
Well, it's a valuable appendage.
You can't fire me, I'm Santa Claus.
(to Jerry) Well, if you're just gonna throw it out, you know, I could take it.
Yeah, and this is just the Upper West Side. Wait until I get to the Village, then you're gonna see a magic show.
Listen, this is a million dollars we're talkin' about, Jerry, now this is the big league, the big time, now I need you on my team, Jerry!
Newman!
Mickey
No, it didn't say anything.
Huh?
Yeah!
Well uh, I think I can just browse around on my own.
Is this a joke?
Oh, mama...
He looks happy to me.
No, y'know we took the old man's records over to Ron's and he tried to *screw* us so we got in a fight.
C'mon, what's wrong with my boys?
Well, I wouldn't have minded it so much but I was running home to go to the bathroom.
They're ladies' glasses.
well it all depends on what you mean by.. happen 
See, anybody can do this. (Tosses pizza dough into the air.)
I want you to get on this phone and give him his 'thank you'!
Well that's stupid
Two is better than one.
No, no, no, no. I'll show you. (slams a bill down on the counter) One hotdog please.
No. I got eight tons of change. I'm loaded.
But that's not Hello.
I'd look again. So ah, how come you didn't call Jerry about all this?</font>
Yeah, if you got a loser. But Little Jerry was born to cockfight!
I had some trouble at my place, so I need a little company at night to sleep.
Four hours in this chop and I'm a full inch taller. . . . Giddyup.
(re the chips) Hmm, Macchu Picchu. Are these free?
Shees, come on...(opens the radiator)..this thing is bone dry. (Looks at the blood.)
No. You said a mailman I know, and you're a mailman I know!
Alright, great, because I got to get down there and pick up my blade. Hey, and I couldn't find that stock room.
Oh, geez..
Oh, come on! Hey, Newman didn't even give her that! No, that's not even a woman's coat. It's a man's!
Right. Yeah. The polls close after dinner, three o'clock. But then when we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of eight p.m.
Ellen. We, uh, broke up again.
You don't say?
I didn't even know they were defective.
Alright, what are we gonna do? I'm not gonna let him hurt you. (grabs and hugs Elaine tightly) I'm not gonna.
She said she'll do it.
Now look here, see it's right here: Gloria Vanderbilt Collection.
I'm hip.
Because nobody does it like she does. She's the best. 
Yeah, right, right, and on the cover is a built-in coaster. (clicks tongue) Alright, well I'm gonna go. 
Cause they look comfortable.
ouhhh -- I had Uma Therman's number written on that stub. I lost Uma's number.
Uh.
Alright what's gotten into you, what's happened?!?
Uh, yeah.
Hey hold that bus!
What you doing?!
Look, you gotta do me a favor.
So Jackie, do you think we gotta case?
Oh. Oh, George.
Bye, Koko. Whew! Jerry, this relationship is killing me. The distance, the longing, the distance, the-- you know, I didn't realize it, but I'm a needy person.
All right lets take a look to see what we got ( examines George's head) Wait a second.. I think I see something here George. Lets go to the videotape.
Didn't even thin you were gonna use them.
(Obviously watching the nudist across the street) Oh, that's good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there.. (Jerry looks back at Kramer in envy) It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's good.. yes, yes, yes.. 
Yeah, a real brouhaha...
Alright, c'mon!
It was full. I tried a few other places, you know, but that didn't work. I mean it was an emergency Jerrry. I was really percolating... So I decided to run home through the park and then these two guys they stopped me and...
yeah 
Alright, put a little sauce on here... (speaks some unintelligible words in an Italian accent while spreading the sauce around.) Some cheese...
He didn't come with us. (Tim walks over to Jerry.)
Hi.
Jerry, this is the way society functions. Aren't you a part of society? Because if you don't want to be a part of society, Jerry, why don't you just get in your car and move to the East Side!
Well, we'll just see if we can't get around that.
Well, Babe Ruth did it.
Mmm, doesn't that smell good, huh?
Hey. It's really wet out there.
Uhummm...
Hmm. That's a shame.</font>
You know, I think you're jealous.
Hmm-mmm.
Jerry, what are you doing? George tells me you're gonna throw your set?
(being grabbed by the security officials) Hey!
Yeah.
All right, now here's the scoop, Jockey. I, uh, I came in here last January to talk to one of your ffflunkies..
All right now here's the list. (hands Jerry the list)
To the whole scene. (sniff)
What about my massage? 
Well, I'm gonna go to the cigar stores. I'm gonna see if I can sell that Indian. 
I told you I sold them to Bania.
Say you're getting intimate with a woman uh, you don't want her fumbling and struggling back there.
Yeah, here we go, yeah. (he takes a big bite) Mmm, oh. That's delicious. Mmm. It's a perfectly sane food to eat. (he takes another bite)
Goohhhhck.
(takes one look and sets off after Newman) Jeez!
Hey, you owe me. I got you into Actor's Studio. They thought what we did was the scene.
Hey, George. How about that tour, huh? These guys are ready to run the bases.
Uh, George, your parents can't blow through their savings in this community. It's low-rent. Now, we feel that Florida is really the place where they should be.
(regretfully) Uh.. I know I'm gonna regret this. (sigh) All right.
(holding up a set of heavy chains) I'm gonna borrow this, huh?
Oh, yeah? So what am I supposed to do, be more like you? All sealed up in here, emotionally unavailable, paying scrubwomen for sexual favors! No! Jerry, I won't be like you! Never! I'll never be like you!
I'll bring back the pot.
Hey, do me a favor... Some guy comes in looking for me, tell him you don't know where I am.
So I grabbed the guy by the collar.
The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on.. 
But she wants the shoes.
She's got rabies, just like my friend Bob Sacamano. She's delirious. (Elaine drinks some water and drools) She's foaming at the mouth!
And...cucumbers! (Grabs a large handful and puts them on the pizza.)
Hey, see, I like it like this.
I think we've all experienced that.
You stubborn, stupid, silly man!
Well, get him to bark.
(Interrupting) I'LL TAKE IT!!
Oh, do you say that Babe Ruth is a liar?
Uhm, interesting texture. It's chewy. (he half-coughs, half-retches) I gotta get, some air.
Ohhhh, what's this?
I here you make a pretty mean calzone.
Yah, yah! You see in Little Jerry Seinfeld the unlimited future you once had. Now, just because Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been, don't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was!
Oh, not a problem.
Oh, lots of 'em.
(looking at the newsletter) Hey, look at that. Picture of me, huh? (reading out loud) Candidate Cosmo Kramer caught barefoot in clubhouse.
Hey, Are you going to the hospital now?
O'Brien.
Yeah.. And, um, when I told him my idea about the beach cologne, you know, he - he laughed at me.
I like mangos.
The bathroom scene. (moves his knows as you would if you sniffed)
You know, I think it's worth something. It's kitschy. (tongue click) 
rock 
Yeah.
(looking after fleeing car) Newman! The white whale!
Hey Morty! (to Jerry) Salad dressing?
(quietly) Ah, listen, George, what else can I do with these guys? Now, bear in mind, they're a little light on the yen.
All right, all right, I'll see ya later. (shuts door)
(gets back on the bus, yelling) Well maybe I will take it up with Consumer Affairs. Ladies and Gentlemen you're in for an additional treat. We're going to extend the tour at no extra charge.
Hey, what are you gonna see?
No, no it's that guy. He's really been bugging me about the jacket.
Hey!
She says she wants those shoes.
But now I have a big problem, buddy.
(off screen) Outta My Way!
It's cucumbers.
(pointing at Farkus) Very funny.
No.
Well, maybe I did overextend myself.
Leapin' Larry's? Hey, that's uptown. You gotta take Amsterdam.
Oh I see....Yessss. Little Miss Candy Bar paid a visit, didn't she?
Yeah calzone.
Never! You hate him because he's doing more with your name than you ever will! Yah-yah! (Kramer leaves.)
L'Occupado.
Whoa, man!
No.
Well, I couldn't find my shoes.
How can you do that to your friend? He's got a wife, kids, and a lot of other stuff. Oh, yyyeeah.
All right, great, great uh, we'll share a cab.
What are you doing out there?! You're holding up the production of the movie! We can't shoot and Woody, he's really mad at you.
Any mustard? This is empty.
Well, yeah.
Hey. This wallpaper is *very* good. My place looks like a ski lodge!
Well they gotta be soft.
What ever turns you on.
Where's the lights. Whoa!
it was a big rock 
Well, I didn't think ahead.
Boy, it's too bad you gave me this one too.
Hey.
Yeah, the heat pump blew all the fuses!
And then they just ran off with the armoire, just like that.
There they are.
Oh, I don't wear the ribbon.
I know, Jerry. It's okay. (Jerry steps aside) Yeah, look, Brody. Uh, Jerry wants to do the bootleg. He's dyin' to do it. But if you don't make him happy, the work suffers. And then, nobody's happy.
(snaps his fingers) That's perfect. (to the Japanese) Hey, how would you guys like to watch Super Terrific Happy star Jerry Seinfeld?
(nervous) Okay, well, uh, I'll uh, I'll get the Cubans.
(looking at a map) I don't know. (over the speaker) Uh, no more questions.
Hey, that's supposed to be great.
Oh, he'll have to kill me. (leaves.)
Well, I waited so long I-- I missed my chance.
'Hi Gwen, hi tide.' 
Well, why not? I like cucumbers.
Of course, yes.
Well I thought we were lucky to get anything.
Are you ok, cowboy? Where do you need to go?
Yeah, I'm against AIDS. I mean, I'm walking, aren't I? I just don't wear the ribbon.
Y'aah!
Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh!  I know what I think.  I think you're gaga over this dame. She's twisted you around her little finger, and now, you're willing to sell me, and Elaine, and whoever else you have to, right down the river.
All right. Lay them on me. I'll take three.
I gotta go find this kid. So all you gotta do is lay here, pretend you're asleep in case she gets back, here (grabs the covers and throws em over Mickey) keep the covers over ya.
Oh, hey.
They're right out here.
Elaine, I broke the price-gun, so I had to move to plan B.
I don't know. I found them in your closet. Ever since Darren left I haven't been able to find anything. He took all my clothes to some cleaners. I'm clueless. (looks at clock) Is that clock right?
What about Jerry?
He said, 'Who's the moron in the blue jacket who's got the street all screwed up?'
(pointing to Jerry) O'Brien. Long time no see. How's tricks, Murphy?
No no, I don't like this one. It's too yellow. Any pickles?
You know, I try to take care of myself. I - I watch what I eat. Ah, just recently I cut out fructose.
Well, I didn't believe you.
Not too soft. Better too hard than too soft.
Yeah! Bunsen burner. (runs his fingers through the flame) oo ya ya.
Equivalency. 
yeah I sang 99 bottles of beer on the wall 
I'm gonna have to do something about this lining.
For what?
Oh! yeah. 
I guess I hit the snooze... (Jerry runs by Kramer and Kramer falls down)
Well, you'd better take it easy.
Hey.
Oh, yeah, yeah. (feeds tape into VCR) Well, you guys just watch the tape and, uh, I'll get you some food.
Hey, here they are. The Cubans. Real Cubans.
Ms. Welch.
Oh, yeah! Me.
How do you know?
All right....Sit down George.
Okay, Jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the Cayman Islands for this weekend. He's not going.
Yeah, she was just showing me pictures of places I can visit when I go to Puerto Rico...you know, when you two went down there?
No. And now I can't get it back.
Hi Todd. 
But that's the idea, you make your own pie.
Yeah.
It's hot in here. Hey, Bobby, can I have some of your juice?
You're just out for sex!!
Hey. That's a big oven. Huh. Listen. I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
I'm breaking them in, and they're feeling better.
Oh, well, I-I-I'm dominating.
Jerry...
(shouts) Hey, peanuts!
(holds up some small white sachets) I took these out of every single garment in the store.
I was supposed to pick up Newman at the zoo twelve hours ago.
He is just setting the record straight.
Yeah, sure, he's a celebrity. Oh, yeah, they wear a lot of furs. They're desperate, insecure people.
...I didn't say that, no.
Alright, I'll tell you what. Next time I talk to him, maybe I'll bring it up. I'll feel him out.
Yeah, all right.
(Flattered) Oh?
Well who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint-- it's *delicious*!
Yeah now get the ones that are red on the inside.
No.
'You've got something between your teeth' 
Yaow.
What is it?
'Quo'? That's not a word.
You should be thanking me for liberating you from your world of loneliness and isolation. Now, you're part of a family.
Well it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust and...unbridled enthusiasm. 
Well, my friend is awful disappointed is all. You know, she's very emotional.
Yeah.
(seeing Jerry is with people) Oh.
(happy, enthused) We're takin' George back--
(fidgety) Oh, now, come on. Look at these boys. If they were any more Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself. Huh.
Well, I'm Cosmo Kramer, I'm one of the producers.
(Shocked by the way Elaine looks) Yama - Hama! It's fright night!
All right, look. People seem to like those tip calculators, huh?
No, I got the tape right here.
How could you not think about it?
What gives you the right to tell me how I would make my pie?
Well I didn't hear any Plus.
Hey, how's everything? You..you need anything?
Just keep the lights down and your eyes closed. I'll be back.
I'll take it.
Well, it's not the size of the opponent, Elaine, it's, uh, the ferocity.
Jerry!
They're dessicates. See, they absorb moisture. (gleeful) These clothes won't last five years without 'em.
Jerry, buddy, I got to tell you something. That voice is played.
Yeah, something like that.
Well, I'm sorry. I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it.
 The party, Long Island?
Yeah? Eva?
Getting something to eat.
Are you guys ready?
It's very refreshing!
Oh! And get some plantains. (grabs the list to write them down)
NO, he's not.. Just a fat little mental patient.
No that's what he said. 'That's interesting. I love carrots, but I hate carrot soup. And I hate peas, but I love pea soup.' So do I. 
You want a taste? It's Cappuccino.
How did this happen?
Yeah.
Well , that's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall. 
Come on Jerry. Aren't you going to join us?
I'm not happy about this.
It was in my laundry. 
He's gonna make us very happy.
(puzzled) I think so.
What's going on?
Well, I- I Ms. Welch I do need to talk to you about a little problem regarding, eh, your performance.
Oh, tough crowd.
And?
Yeah, well, how 'bout if we give one out to every member on the condo board.
(ignoring them) Now.. This is the tape that we made earlier and I think, that I see. a couple of buds right here.
Well, I gave her the wheelchair! You should have seen the look on her face. And then she told me, that the old wheelchair, that wasn't any good anyway! So you see George, the whole incident was a God blessing! Yeah!
(mumbles and leaves)
It's not a pizza until it comes out of the oven!
Well, it's all taken care of. Everything's cool.
Look, Java World. (To cabbie) Hey listen I'm gonna get out here. I'm gonna get myself a free cafe latte.
How can I possibly thank you?
No, no. That's from, uh, Star Trek III... The Search for Spock.
Yeah.
Patience.
Don't worry. I've got a good feeling about this dump.
So played.
Serenity now, serenity now...
All you have to do is wear the fur so Silvio thinks it's yours.
Oh. Hello.
Jerry?
 Hey, what are you doing here?
O'Brien? Well that's weird.
Have you seen George?
Yeah.
(Singing:) Oh myyyy papayaaaa. (The air conditioner wobbles) The air conditioner! (Kramer tries to keep it from falling by holding it's cord, but it snaps) I think it got the dog!
I hear you.
Jerry, I think that quilt is ready.
Well, how did this happen?
You see Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy. You might say a cockeyed optimist, who got himself mixed up in the high stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue. 
Yeah.
Yeah, wait here. Come on, sit down. What's the matter with you?
Oh, you know, oats and hay. You know, they like that stuff.
It was about 1200 bucks. 
Ya know these latkes are going like hotcakes.
Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother... (thinks for a second) ...Dennis.
Well, it seems that due to the vagaries of the production parameters of this fragmenting of the audience to the cable television, carnivals, water parks...
Yeah.
...All right ..Starting now......
(Tired) Oh, I can't go on. I gotta take a break. (Sets the rickshaw down - taking a rest)
Come on, man. You need to lighten up. You know, a feeling like this only happens once a year.
(rising and putting his arm around Audrey's shoulder) Well, I'll check you guys out later. (To Audrey) Ready?
Alright, what size are you?
Yeah....
No, it isn't!
Elaine.
Let's turn the radio on. Maybe there's a news report about it.
You suffer for your soup.
Yeah, I know Jerry will tell you that The Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me, I always...
He just sunk like a stone.
What?
Darren? What are you doing here? The college canceled the internship.
Geez! Jerry, I didn't here you come in. Yeah, the children, they've done sum redecorating. Serenity now, serenity now.
Well, then, Newman and I, we get thrown out of the building.
Payoffs. Now we're playin' politics. All right, what do we next, Morty, huh? Wiretaps, slush funds?
(to Mickey) You know? She's right.
Yeah, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico.
Boy I had a helluva time finding that air-conditioner. I looked everywhere. I completely forgot where I hid it. You know where it was?
'bout what?
 Where's Jerry?
What do you mean 'my own words'? Whose words are they gonna be?
It's part of the banana family. It's a delicacy.
Well, you tell me. Is the verdict in yet?
Hey. (to Elaine) Hey how was your date with Phil Titola?
Well, you gotta pick it up for me!
You looking for this? (Holding up lobster)
Accident? This was no accident. These doves were murdered.
ah! Here we go. 
OH YEAH! ALL RIGHT!
Look, honey, I know you're trying to get Lloyd to notice you, but this is too much. Parading around in a wet T-shirt.
Oh! That's Newman. (goes over to the window)
You know Frank, you could take a break.
Newman, what took you... ah hey, hey </font>
Uh, Dwayne.
I don't know where the tops are.
Well, you're fired because you don't move your arms when you tap dance, you're like a gorilla out there I've gotta go...
Okay. A little later, we're gonna be talking with animal expert, Jim Fowler.
Oh, hello.
(Stretching) Oh..
See, now you're getting the spirit of it, huh?
Neither did I. We're off to the Reggae Lounge.
These are great seats huh?
Eh! Bingo.
Oh, my God...
You know what you ought to do George? You should work for Greenpeace. You those people they attack the whalers out on the open sea.
'Why don't you stick around and we can sleep together.' 
Well, that's it! She's out of the pageant!
Frank!
I just found a guy who's willing to pay ten thousand dollars for the apartment.
Oh, yow, oow Ah!
You demand perfection from yourself, from your soup.
Rusty! Rusty!
(Taking his pair off, he inspects them) Aw, beautiful!
Oh. This is all burned up. Look at this.
Jerry what's the matter?
Kramerica is no more.
Well, that's odd, 'cause I feel perfectly at peace with the world- uh! eggs! you! Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now.
All right, why don't you just take a good, hard look at what your life will be like if I'm not around?
Ooh! !Dios mio!
Right! Purple 23. I could've used you.
Like the big toe captain..
 Well, Jerry, he doesn't have anything.  (Sensing Steve's disappointment)  Well, but I might have something.
(to Judge) I was very upset that day.
Well, this is in case there's a tie!
Maybe uh, it needed some air. You know sometimes they need air, they can't breathe in there. It's in human.
I'm so tired!
Well, I thought you might wind up around here.
May I..( pointing her food) 
It's Kramer!
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but the Alex is a family theatre, not one of your swing joints.
(yelling up) Well, what are you waiting for? 
Listen, man. You gotta shoot this movie for me. Brody, he's a reasonable man, but he's insane!
Oh, shh, Kenny Roger's? Whew, boy, I hate that place.</font>
(shrill) What!?
(emerging from the changing room) Well, I don't mind if I do.
But first, we're talking with, Jerry. (looks down to his yellow note cards) Okay, Jerry, uh, you uh, you drugged a woman in order to play with her toy, collection. How do you feel about that?
Doc, huh?
Ah-huh.
You can't get it from that.
Woah! Wait!
Yeah
You, you guys wanna hold it down? I'm watchin' Jeopardy.
(Leaving: A LA GODFATHER) Don't ever go against the family Jerry.
'You want me to sleep with you?' 
Hey Elaine, did you hear the good news? Toby got promoted!
Her birds are dead.
Not just someone. Jon Voight.
Yeah,
Cash.
Yeah. This looks right. All right. Give me the dog. Okay, boy. This is it. This is your new home. Let go of my shirt. Come on. Let go of my shirt. This shirt is from Rudy's.
Nothing Nothing.
Whoa!
That's all I got.
Joey, there you are. Hey
(waving) Shellbach.
Well, I've uh, I've changed my mind. I think I'm going to build a rollercoaster instead.
Probably. Darren, you go home. Forget about Kramerica.
(going into his apartment) Jerry, come on. Don't get upset about it. There's always next spring. Now will you excuse me for a moment. Serenity nooooooooww!
(in the shower, on the phone with Jerry) So you broke up?
Oh, come on, man! Well, I'll tell you what, if you do this, I'll give you that walkman you're always asking about.
Well, what about your deal, huh?
What time is it?
(to Newman) Would you let me say it? Let me talk!
How you doing? 
Huh? I don't?
No I'm afraid I couldn't do that.
Bania?
what is this? 
DeSoto's down, but Cosmo's got the caboose.
(talking to himself) I'm not happy about this.
I thought you said your mom was meeting us in the alley.
Oh</font>
Who could love me?
Racquet.
Well, you're still here?
And she doesn't know anything, about this?
Moles, yes. Freckle's ugly cousin.
Ahh.. I don't know who you really are, but I've seen Jerry's girlfriend, and she's not you. You're much better looking - and like, a foot taller.
Oh, no.
Okay , all right. I'm gonna take a look at this huh!.( leaves)
Hey, you seen the paper yet?
Oh, by the way, George. Susan called for you a minute ago.
He says 'I don't want to sleep alone.' She says, oh boy, 'love to.' 
Yeah, and you know what she told me? She said her first order of business is to put my coffee table book into the bookstores as soon as possible.
Yeah, birds. She's got these trained doves, she does this magic act, that was her talent for the pageant. You know what I think, Jerry? I think somebody murdered those doves. Somebody wanted her out of that contest bad. Somebody who was just eaten up with jealousy. Somebody who just couldn't stand to have the spotlight taken off of them! (Kramer turns around and notices the empty icebucket on the edge of Jerry's balcony.)
Yeah, well I didn't realize that was such a sensitive issue.
'I'm going to try and find some candy. You want some?'
He's in the music business.
I don't have anything. Ask him.
You wanna shoot some pool tonight? 
I told you this is all I got.
Joey
Hey, watch where you're kicking!
Well, that wasn't so bad, huh?
(crashing and banging in his apartment) Serenity now!
Hang on.
And you'll get it back.
(entering Jerry's apartment, in his own tuxedo) Whoo! Boy. Yeah, you clean up nice.
Well, don't worry about it. I know a guy.
Well at least there's no traffic.
All right.
Yes
Yes, Yes. It worked. Sister Roberta I've still got time to catch her. 
Pale? Oh my God...I gotta meet Anna's parents today! (The phone rings.)
Well, that wouldn't be kosher.
I can't taste this. 
(to Elaine) You want some hot tea?
I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ross. One never knows how the gastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function.
What's going on? Hey, Timmy, Clara. That was some kind of workout we had tonight, huh?
(laughs) Oh hey, you know Elaine, ah she stopped by...</font>
O.K.!
Well, I haven't changed my mind.
Well, Jerry, we have a little surprise for you! Come on out, Celia!
You really are cooking up a little scheme here, aren't you?
Oh, he's a tomcat.
Yeah. There's an article in there about that writer.
...then, when I was seventeen, I ran away from home and hopped a steamship to Sweden. (beat) This steak is excellent, by the way.
You know I can't find a match anywhere.
(To the TV) Who is Joseph Cotton? Giddee up!
Really?
(Faint, trying to shut George up) Hey..
You know, throughout this whole thing, she always kept a smile on her face.
You killed them, didn't you?
Who's that?
I guess I screwed up!
I thought Jerry didn't want that couch, because of the stain?
'What kind?'
Well, occasionally I like to help the humans.
What?!
Git.
(from the other side of the door) Police! Open up!
I'm the babysitter
Hey.
Elaine
No, you had some good stuff. The cancer bit? I mean, it was edgy, it was not my sort of thing but some of those people out there, they really liked it.
Well, you are a tenacious little monkey. Alright, I'll do it. Kramerica industries lives! Let's get back to work!
(Crashing and banging around) Serenity nooooowwwww!
Oh, just cooking up a little thank you for Puddy. Hey, how do you make those radish roses?
All right. Good, thanks, I owe you one.
Yeah, see? I knew you would lose 'em. That's why I took 'em out of your dresser drawer and put 'em in my strongbox.
Yeah, Bob Saccamano's father.
It was an accident.
What time does that play start?
(to Judge) I was very upset that day because I could never become a banker.
'What? You're crazy.' 
Nah, I'm sorry, honey. Not on my watch.
Oh, it's true.
Just drive.
This food ,it has no taste......nothin' I'm gettin' nothin'...( realizes) It must be the toxic gas from the fumigation......( he leaves paranoid and confused) 
Oh. There's some runners. Here they come!
The guy wouldn't give them to me because I wanted to pay in change.
Aah! Aah! Mama!
Yeah let me borrow your scarf. 
 ... Yeah dropped off that Bob Sacamano hat. Oh she's ah, upset at him, oh yes siree. Yeah well thanks for stopping by.</font>
Bye-bye. Jackie, you did it. We're rich.
Let's see what Jerry has to eat.
Woah.
(Walking away) I knew it.. Stupid Jerry..
Uh huh, that's the guy that was here. You're the friend.
oh oh oh oh oh
Yeah, sure. Please.
We could be tried for murder...
Not ready? It has to be ready! What kind of a business are you running here?
Well, don't think you've won, because you haven't! This kid is a fighter! And if you think I'm gonna let a couple of dead birds get in our way, you're crazy!
Jerry, I'll take care of it.
All right. Now you listen, and you listen good. I know who you are. You're the scofflaw.
Oh, you didn't notice? It has a pee-stain.
Anyway, I um, I just want to say that I'm sorry. I lost my temper and I probably shouldn't have. I took it out on you and, look, if I've caused you any problems as a result of my behavior, well then, I'm sorry. I apologize. Even though, Barry, between me and you, we both know that you started it. I mean, who's kidding who? But they tell me that you're very upset, and god forbid I should disturb the very important monkey, I'm just hoping we can put this behind us, let's just move on with our lives, ok? So no hard feelings?
Ow
Freeze, mother!
The horse is gassy. Must have been the Beef-A-Reeno.
It's Halloween (not sure)
Oh, Allison, she didn't want to come.
Yeah.
Well, that guy who yelled out.
(Leaving) George, you listen to me. I owe ya one.
Male mammal. Approximately 30 to 60 years of age. Weight...uh indeterminate. Ok, Mr. Kruger, we are gonna take a photo now for the records. So if you'll stand up please and give me a big smile, oh no no no, not that big. Yeah, that's nice, yes okay. Yes, let's have a looksee...ok, so eh, fiber from shirt on the left shoulder. I'm gonna have to keep my on that.
No problem there.
Oh, hey, and by the way, uh, that walkman was broke when you gave it to me.
Yeah, we'll stop by Phil's, we'll pick up the key, uh?
That might be a problem. (TO ELAINE) Where's your little bag of...
Yeah. (beat) And, it was a big one.
(not convincing) Uh, yeah.
Heyahhh!
Y'ello?
Well you're not getting any money back. (Kramer opens the door) Jerry, come back in here.
(rolling the dice) Yeah.  I am taking over South America and there ain't nothing you can do about it.
Oh yeah! Yeah! Come on! (starts howling)
He overcooked it. It's ruined.
Yeah. All right one chart coming up. 
Oh you don't want to think about that no sir. Otherwise I'd have no choice but to put that banner back up and eh, he-he-hwow, run that Roger's right out of town.</font>
It's the new format. Scandals and Animals. Git gt gt.
But you haven't seen..
Hey, what's going on?
(CONT'D) Oh...(TAKES OUT PARKING STUB) Boy this garage is going to cost a fortune. You know how long we were here?
You're not gonna say anything, you got that?
'How?' 
Well, he can't be disturbed now.
(interrupting) Ah, don't play dumb. It's me, Cosmo.
Shut up. Spread 'em. I said spread 'em! (looks around) You're in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods... and uh, uh... murder.
Well, I overbought!
Hey! Elaine..
Well, yeah, I did, but she's a tough nut. How d'ya like the tuxedo. It's a rental but I've had it for fifteen years. All right, eh. (heading in)
I just assume not sit next to you.
And laughter is the best medicine.
Uuh, long long time. Yes, I've seen moles so big they have their own moles. Freckles that cover two men.
George, they closed up.
Now look, I just have one thing to say to you boys. Mama!
Elaine!
Uma's number is on that ticket.
You know Bobby, it's very very hard to hit two home runs in one game. Even for Paul O'Neill.
Don't worry, Cap, I can handle it!
Jerry, George got arrested.
Bennette right? 
Yeah, yeah go ahead yeah, put the banner up doesn't matter to me.</font>
Yeah.. (Heads for FDR's)
(To the TV) What is pi? Ooh! Giddee up again.
You're *not*!!!
Well, I was excited because Jerry was putting on the puffy shirt.
HEY DOUBLE-PARKER! (honk, honk) SHOW YOURSELF. (honk, honk) COME ON OUT, I'M FREEZING! (honk, honk)
Maybe.
I'm sorry. I mean, I know what it's like to be in love. Ties you up in knots. And Jerry is a very sexy man.
You don't think I know how you're feeling, every second of the day? Looking over your shoulder to see if someone's coming up from behind. Sitting alone at night, knowing they could be closing in.
'There's no candy around here. hey! Jimmy.'
He can do it, Mr. Kramer. I know he can. He'll do it for me.
Shut up! Keep 'em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert!
These are my friends Jerry and Elaine.
I'm so happy! My world suddenly has meaning!
The Ball, silly.
Oh, so far, so good...(looks at Mr. Kruger's shoulder) yeuye...
Cars can go on empty, but not us humans, huh, fella? I'll get us a couple of Twix bars. 
This is a good cigar (hair is on fire, white smoke pouring from the back of his head) . . . . . . WOOOOOOOOOOW . . . (runs to bathroom, his arms in the air -- he bangs them in to the top of the hallway door jam and falls into the bathroom)
'... with a broom, cleaning up.' 
(pause) YEAHH!
I'm not going to give him $300 now for a suit with moisturizer cream all over it.
I parked in front of that restaurant . As soon as this race is over I got to go to the airport.
God.
Yeah. He went down at the Beackman, he tried to lam, but they cheesed him.
No Jerry! I - I need that chicken, I gotta have that chicken. Now you leave those roasters alone. Kenny never hurt anybody.</font>
Hey, Jerry, he could have used your laugh. He was a big turkey out there.
Ohhh!
Well, why?
Why?
What am I supposed to say? 
Alright, I'm gonna see you later.
Ya I didn't know you could cook.
How ya feelin'?
Look, I'm not judging you. In fact, we here at PBS, we have many programs celebrating your lifestyle. Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City, Gender Bending and Swinging in San Francisco. Before Stonewall about those dark ages when you couldn't come out of the closet, lest you be persecuted because of your, you know.
Ga, of course you can't, you poor sap! Now why didn't you tell me?
'Whooo!'
Come on Come on!
Is your name Ray?
I like what you've done with that. 
George. I thought you were gonna Change.
Hey.
(To Mr. Abbott) How ya doing?
I don't know what Elaine is so upset about. I mean, without dessicates, those clothes'll be noticeably musty in five years.
Hey.
George, we got a problem.
All right, I'll get ya a Mounds bar. Keep the engine running. 
The pharmacy's still open.
What was the question?
Some nut in a clown suit!
I've got the magazine. The underwear ad came out.
Wellll, isn't it obvious?
Oh! You popped Woody Woodpecker!
What?
(animated) She tried to kill me Jerry!
Yes, she's the costume designer and he's the wig master for the show.
How can you have feelings for him? We're soul mates.
Oh I got a big problem Jerry!</font>
A big fat turkey.
George I told you we're booked!
Woah, wait, wait, wait. If you make a birthday wish out loud, it doesn't come true.
Whoa, whoa. Now, who's this Joe Mayo everyone's talking about?
Oh, good morning, Miss Brown.
(To the TV once again) What is the cha-cha? Ooh, yes indeed.
You know all those stores canceled out on her? She's finished. (Concluding) We're (Leslie and him) finished.
'Yes sweep.' 
What about her?
I gotta meet Anna's parents today, remember? I look terrible! I'm gonna hit the tanning machines.
There's nothing to be nervous about.
So you been living this secret the whole time by yourself?
'What!'
Well? Did he call?
Oh, I love the one they do right after this one! (Starts dancing)
GO! GO!!
Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for!
Hey!! Frank just called me. Congratulations.
Yes, yes. I am Dr. Vanostran from the clinic. I need Elaine Benes chart. She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it. It's uh very bad very messy. 
(light admonishing, under breath) Let's just try, an' have a nice time for once, an' we'll talk about this when we get home..
You got the paper yet?
It's a tank of oil. Darren and I are finally going to test out my bladder system.
Well, he's got a mole on his shoulder. Very suspicious.
No, man! Not the gas! 
Uh, well, my father when I was a kid, he took me to the bank and he lifted me up and he pointed to the teller and he said: 'Sonny boy, take a good look at him, that's gonna be you some day.'
I lost it two days ago. I've been faking it so I wouldn't hurt her feelings. 
Yes she is...
No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a definite word.
Newman ,Let me have a bite of your Macanaw.. 
Just a can. But he really liked it, though.
(shouts) Connie!
Jerry, you really think that Pam would want you to be the father of her children?
Well, I ah, gotta give him something. Come on, where's that tape I shot?
I tell ya, he worked so hard and then he just--
Ohhh. another interesting confrontation. This could be spicy. Yeah, George bring him over.
Hey, FDR wants me to drop dead.
I think the chair is a fantastic gift idea. But I never heard of this Joe Mayo. And frankly, it sounds made up.
Yeah. Just give it to the Portuguese guy, and he... puts it in the incinerator.
Hey hey, alright, hey hey, stop it! Come on, break it up! What's the matter with you? Now don't you two see that you're in love with each other? I mean, why can't you face that already? You're running around out there looking for something that's not even there, when everything that you dream of is right here, right here in front of you. Now why can't you admit that? By the way, when you see George give him these, these'll work.
Oh, I'm uh, Steven Snell.
(Showing pure irony) I just can't be with someone who's life is in complete disarray.
George says 'Cut it.' 
Hey! So, hear anything on the yogurt?
You're scared of Elaine?
Hey, that's how I maintain my glow.
Yeah, this is Kramer. I got Genderson in the car. He wants to see his fish. I'm taking him to see his fish. So tell the police to back off.
Those kids look pretty disappointed.
All right, all right, I'm gonna help you.
Oh, come on, Jerry! Come on, this is stupid! It's six o'clock! It's all over, just pick up the phone and thank him!
An In The Park Home Run!
Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop! (On that line, Kramer points to Ray, and Ray turns back to the wall. Kramer heads for the door.) Today's your lucky day, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me?
Look I'm sorry about before....I mean I'm sure I'll learn to like her, Jerry
That's correct. 
Well where is it? (Elaine enters from bedroom with newspaper) Hey, you done with that?
Oh, well I guess she found some place better to go.
What is this, oregano?
No. No. No. It's for oil tankers. All I need to do is fill some sort of rubber container with oil and then drop it to see whether or not it can restrain the impact.
Huh? Who are you?
George, why would I, a Juilliard trained dermatologist, send him to another doctor?
Do you think that this'll make you happy? 'Cause it won't! 
Ahh! I'm out! No tape left!
I don't know.
What?
It's over!
Yes! Oh look at this, these mangos are beautiful! Oh these are beautiful, (smells them) you did good George.
I'll let her down easy. All right. (he gets up and walks to Olive) Well, hi Olive. (she reaches for Kramer's back) No, no. No more of that. There's something I have to tell you. 
Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd you expect him to blow his nose? YEA!
Oh, what? Am I... tooo boring for you?
Quone. To quone something.
Oh, hey.
Come on ,c'mon i need to taste it. ( takes his peach).....Nothin' , Can't even taste a Macanaw. 
I don't know! (building to a shout) But I woke up in the Hudson river in a SACK!! I think she drugged me, but she's a murderer and I'm calling the cops.
Jerry, she taped over the whole ending! (Brody enters)
Oh, I'm with him.
Look at me! I'm all covered in oregano and Parmesan, and it's sticking to me because of the butter! Look at me!
(To George) Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. (Resumes telling the story) I go to his birthday part, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look..
Yeah, yeah. (goes to Phil's door) You know, it's a... it's a funny thing about that bird dying. I hid the key in Fredo's food dish. Whoo! That's a weeeird coincidence.
Uh, yes, uh, I--I wanted to, uh, stop by and make sure that my shark tank fits-- uh, hello.
Steven.
Well, I just came back from Mickey Mantle's restaurant.
They gave them all to Goodwill.
George is saying 'Cut it.' 
Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.
Why?
Ya.
My name is Kramer. You know who I am dammit!
(running to the window)  What?!  Not my car!!  Hey!!  They're towing my car!!
(Keamer's voice starts slurring again) 'Yeah! My lips swollen?'
All Right! Yeah, well, I guess I'll be on my way (grabs framed card)
Good, good. Let's uh keep it that way.
C'mon , c'mon what's the matter?
From The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium. 
(screaming) Waahhh!!!
Well, you're not reading it now.
Well, maybe so, but come midnight, when she's looking for someone warm and cuddly to kiss, I guess you'll be caught between the moon and New York City.
Henry Atkins? The postmaster general?
He thinks I am. I'm not gonna betray that trust. Here's what I wanna do; I think I can get a section...
Listen to me. When that car rolls into that dealership, and that tank is bone dry, I want you to be there with me when everyone says, 'Kramer and that other guy, oh, they went further to the left of the slash than anyone ever dreamed!' 
Hey
What is here comes the judge, here comes the judge!
Me and Lola....
Uh, well, there's someone else. 
I thought we would blend in.
Well, I feel that it would be best that you didn't talk to Noreen for a while...
Awright, I got it.
'No No I've been living alone a long time now.'
Waited all year and I can't even taste it.. 
(animated) Well, isn't it obvious? She doesn't want anybody else to have me!
No no look, I was baby-sitting
What is this, parsley?
Conceivably.
(off camera) Are we getting this?
What?
Uh, Varnsen.
Oh - I'm familiar with it.
Well, I had to. I had to apologize. I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle, my idol. It was eating me up inside!
What?
No reason. Oh, did you hear about that Dinkins?
You don't? 
Hey, let's go inside the liquor store. I'm freezin in here.
Well I knew you'd regret it for the rest of your life.
we would have had all that bridge traffic.
 I'm taking the board with me.
Power, man. Power.
(to door) Gah!
Well what are we ...dog meat.
Oh! Come on.
God!
The Netherlands? 
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Boy he's lookin' good, huh Jerry?
Hey Frank, you got two beds in here.
Oh yeah. So, ah, what're you guys gonna do today?
Jerry too, of course.
Henry... can I get out of here now?
Yeah, if I could crab my slicer and he'd hold still...
EVIL, eye.
It's good to have you back, Stan. 
(puzzled) Phone call?
Yeah, she dumped me!
Yeah, yeah, yeah... 
Hey, George what are you doing here?
That's right! She an' I have had a very long talk. An' I was appalled to learn of the destructive influence you've had over her life, lo these many years...
(to George) Hey, I just spoke to ah, Hilde about your friend.
Huh?
Yeah.
Uh, yeah, yeah. Here it is, Brody. One copy of Cry Cry Again.
Bugger!
Ah you bit me. Get off of me, get off of me!
Well, the squirrel kept scurrying and the hawk kept clawing.
(high-pitched) Well, Fredo was weak and stupid! He shouldn't have eaten that key!
Vandelay.
Okay, wanna come with me and see the baby?
I got down in my knees and went, 'Go ahead, Mickey. Hit me. I'm begging you, Mickey, please hit me. C'mon, hit me. I love you, Mickey, I love you!'
I know how to sign. 
You didn't hear?
Yeah yeah. 
Because I wanted to look good for the party.
Where are they?
I don't wanna go back on there!
That's for radiation.
(somewhat under his breath) Ya ya.
(mocking) Too bad you got engaged.
Whew! I got whooped. You should have seen the rage in their little eyes. And those tiny little fists of fury. Oh. (notices the Urban Sombrero) What is that?
No. 
I'm just gonna heat this up. Make a little hot-tub for Little Jerry.
So, you sleep in separate beds.
Oh?
It'll be operative thing, he would barely feel it.
No time! 
From who?
She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster dufus. Am I a hipster dufus?
This mango is delicious!
(on the phone in Jerry's apartment) So when are you gonna be able to go out?
hey 
Her. (he points to the Elaine mannequin in Jerry's car) 
Oh, I gotcha (clicks)
Poise. Poise!
From now on, I'll be calling the shots around here...
She doesn't have a boyfriend. She made it up.
Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him.
Yeah, maybe not technically, but ...
Well, let's just say I didn't take him to People's Court.
Boy, I really liked the two of you much better when you weren't a couple. (He exits)
(quietly) Hey, Jerry.
I'll tell ya it was a grind having to fill 10 hours a day. I'm not sure I was ready to have my own talk show set.
You just answered your own question.
Quiet. Shh, don't say anything.
Come on, if you don't see the baby now you're never gonna see it
Well, the four of them, they picked me up by my pants and they threw me outside, right into a horse.
He's proposing a plan where everyone in the city should wear name tags.
Wait, wait, wait, that's too much. Mine was more than yours.
Let's go!
Well I'll tell you what I think. I think she saw you with that piece off and was devastated. You blew it boy. You really blew it. And you had to ruin it for him. Didn't you?
(pointing to the largest one) Now, what is this?
You Gack?
Oh I see. (Elaine walks up to him) Woof!
Although the whole story kinda comes apart at the end there.
I don't know. But now they got a chart on me. 
(intrigued) Really?
Double bugger!
(noise - like shivery) Datiditadit.
Deal?
That kid...
Yeah.
Well, it's my medical opinion, that you're making a big mistake. And it's going in my chart.
Yeah, well, I can't have this hanging over my head. It's bad mojo.
The factory?
From you?
Said I'm not good looking enough for her. Not good looking! Jerry, look at me, look at my face, huh, am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful?
well hello Jane 
Yeah, there she is. That's my gal. 
I thought paper covered rock?
Oh hey guess what. Morty Seinfeld and I are going into business together, selling raincoats.
Well. I've encouraged her to go back into the Army...(Noreen sighs a little) There she'll get the structure an' the discipline she needs right now... And she'll have qualified officers telling her what to do...
Oh, come on. Bobby, Bobby! That's just as good!
Well, I'll think of something.
What happened?
(nodding) I'll get the shovel. (walks towards his apartment, as Jerry grimaces at the prospect)
I want my vacuum cleaner!
All right
Yeah? It's my Chinese food.
I only got hundreds.
Yeah! So people can go around saying 'hello' to one another.
Well, how are we getting to Parsippany?
Hey.
Well that's what we want, the Commando 450.
Here's your money.
Well, then I was way off!
Yeah, it's a disturbing image.
You can get that in your arms?
No. (indicates with his head) (noise again) Ditadidatidat.
(grasps Newman's hand) To the Kramennium.
Jerry, it was overheating. You should take better care of that thing.
Yeah! Ha ha.
All right, Silvio's down there. He's shoveling the walk. Now, all you gotta do is put this on, you go down to the corner, you pick up a paper, and you come right back.
Jerry, that's in Sweden.
 So, I'm chasing these doves down the street and she's screaming at the top of her lungs, and then when the magician comes back from Europe, two of them turned brown!  Well I followed the instructions!
Yallo. What delay industries?
You called me?
Hey!  Anybody home?  Oh boy.
Any news?
yeah... she says she doesn't wanna see me again. Told me to drop dead!
(very quickly) oh I don't think so, no we never met, I never talked to you before on the phone, alright I'll see you later buddy 
Now Olive, look, I'm sorry. 
What beats rock?
Yea we worked it out all over dinner last night.
(answering) PBS pledge drive.
Can't help ya, kid.
Uh. Jerry. These nosebleeds are starting again.
Now, Bobby, Bobby, we had a deal . . . gimme that ...
No! Never.
Hey buddy. What're you doing out here?
Hey, buddy, don't say no!
Ah, well I thought I'd throw him off. See, he knows where I live.
Come on, come on, we're gonna pay you! Here have some mango.
He's become the laughing stock! You know The Times has already stated it could cost him the election. (laughing) Name tags!
I don't understand. How can you have a cigar store, without an Indian? It's unseemly. 
Hey, how you doing Stu? Eddie, my man. You again? Boy, you're a slippery one. You'd better straighten up and fly right buddy boy.
Hey, Frank.
Yeah. See ou later..
Man, did you see that fireball? Woo-hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo.
(indicating with his thumb) Dijadidatjd. There.
You didn't get the blood from me.
I'm very, very sorry.
Well, thank you.
There you go.
Well, you know, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico.
 Not really.
How could you?
what?
Ah, hold these (boxes of) pies.
Oh.
uptown, to the Y 
Well, it's the style. (turns back to Jerry) Jerry give me the keys. (Jerry throws his keys to Kramer) Well, I guess we're gonna go for a drive now. She really loves that. 
Alright come on.
Ya.
Oh, you again. Buddy, look, forget about Jerry. It's not gonna happen.
Hey, I ain't goin' to no Bellevue! Look at me, I'm fallin' apart here.
 Oh, stop stalling.  Come on.
This is America! I don't have to wear anything I don't want to wear!
No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.
He couldn't handle that, he's delicate.
(with his forehead in his hands) Man, I gotta go lay down. You and George going out a little later?
It was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.
Hey, I gotta skedaddle. You wanna lift?
So how's George?
I went down to Madeline's. I told her, 'You gotta move, or it's over.'
I thought you took the test.
Na, you're way way way off.. Well, yeah that's the right number but this is an apartment
Okay.
Come on, take some. It's good.
Exclamation point.
Yeow!
Forget it. 
C'mon, Frank, relax. I don't even know what you're talking about.
Heyy! Look who's here.
Newman! Newman!!
(urgent) No, no. Don't look. Don't look.
Sure do!
Yeah. And here's to David Puddy for helping me install a much needed and much appreciated garbage disposal in my bathtub.
Ahh....
(handing Steve the phone)  555-LOVE.
Man! I never thought you were capable of this!
10-4.
Yeesh-jip!
what about the driver? 
Rock.
Yea, last night.
Oh, uh, Nana. Hello.
 Or is it because I've built a stronghold around Greenland?  I've driven you out of Western Europe and I've left you teetering on the brink of complete annihilation.
Hey! You gonna let me try the other one right?'
You know, you oughta go down there and help him out. He's a widower.
(beckoning to George) Come on, I want you to come in here.
Mrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company called me. We had a little pow-wow.
Well, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.
Over there. The Dominicans.
Tony.
I think it's over. We had a big fight, she threw me out, I started walkin', and now I'm lost downtown! I don't have any money. I don't recognize anybody. I miss home, and I don't even know how to get there.
How come?
no problem, ... no problem. [Hangs up] ... How did YOU know who that was?
Ya.
Elaine, he was sniffing like crazy around me.
Oh yeah, yeah. 
Hey.
Me?
Bro.
Hi.
Aaaahhh...!!!
(seeing Newman walk into the office with a bucket on his head, escorted by a security man) Geez. Newman?
Oh, yeah, and I use it all the time. Yeah, I made this whole meal in there.
Well...there's no logical explanation. All right. Well, shall we go home?
 No, I got a girl in the next building
Heey!
I just talked to Becky Gelke outside, she told me how you hit and ran.
What banking?
No it was a spur of the moment. Well you know Morty likes to fly by the seat of his vintage pants.
As long as you've got your checkbook out, how about forking a little over to PBS? You watch the station, don't you? You don't want to be a freeloader.
(closes the door) All right, nice work. (he looks at the ticket, flips it over, and then over again) Where's Uma's number? The moisturizer smudged out the phone number.
 Ha ha, the Ukraine.  Do you know what the Ukraine is?  It's a sitting duck.  A road apple, Newman.  The Ukraine is weak.  It's feeble.  I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.
Hey!
Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise.
Hey! Who do you think you're talking to.
She made an offer. I took it.
Well, it didn't quite work out, and now I've got nothing for them to do.
Raquel Welch!
I'm lookin' at Ray's Pizza. You know where that is?
Well, you can't leave now.
Hello, I'm Kramer.
Mmm.
Double exclamation point!
Giddyup. 
Rock.
Bro!
Uh, yes. Yeah.
And..voila!
Mm-hmm. I prepared it as I bathed.
Well, Jerry, you can't deduct it now.
I don't even want to look at you anymore! All these years of friendship and you're nothing but a felon. You're an embarrassment to the building.
Yeah (to buzzer)
Oooo, boy I've never seen these before (looking at the clothes George just sold Rudy)
Jerry? I have an announcement. Your grandmother is on the line.
(grabs the ticket back and holds it up to the light) It must have been the botanical extracts.
Thanks man.
 Yeah, well we're playing a game here, pal.
Sorry? Are you kidding? You did me the biggest favor of my life. I spoke to a lawyer, we're suing for millions.
Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride.
Bye!!
No, no, no. There was no money.
So, I taught 'em all about Cuba, and they really took to it. You know, Marxism, the Worker's Revolution, the clothing.
No. It's Original Ray's.
See you later. (He promptly turns and leaves)
Pendant Publishing? Giddyup again. 
'Hey! Got the new Penthouse'
Oh, yeah, that's...
Yeah.
Y'hello.
There you are.
(Points to a page on the book) Squamous cell carcinoma.
Never!
A couple of hours ago.
Now you're not going to lie to me, are you?
I'm distraught!?! Wooh-wooh-hoo!
Ya I told you.
that's her 
(stops Mickey) Alright, come on.
Oh I'll take these.
And as we speak, she's generously writing PBS a check for fifteen hundred dollars!
Uh, Yeah, yeah, but he's on vacation. Went to Baltimore.
What's up?
Now, look. Somebody gave it to me.
The coffee was too hot.
Mr Hararwood. Found your glasses.
Check it out. (They see a Marlboro man billboard with Kramer on it)
(nervous) Yeah. I'm a little worried. When there's no work, and the people get restless, who do you think they come after? (pointing to himself, shrill) El Presidente!
The woman is a menace.
It's just Original, Jerry!
Whoa, back up a second.
Yeah, hi Elaine. 
Wonder what's goin' on.
' Ah! here here Listen...Dear Penthouse, I want to tell you about an experience I recently had. As an avid reader I've always wondered if the letters (with Jerry) are I'm a dentist and one afternoon my hygienist and I decided to have a little fun with one of our patients. Of course none of our patients had any idea exactly of what we were up to. I was still wondering what if ......... (Jerry stops and seems bewildered)
What?
Yeah. Did the K Man do it or did the K Man do it?
Hewwo and welcome to Movie phone. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press one.
Hmm. Well, I haven't had any trouble.
Uh, no, I let 'em sleep in.
Did you bring the video camera?
George, that's what he has and I have to give him a call. Now we gotta came clean.
Jerry, you forgot your purse.
George, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life.
Alright. Well. Glad we got that straightened out because I've got a date with her.
Oh, congratulations.
Erika, she's Erika 
Rock.
Hey, remember this raincoat that you sold me?
Yeah
Oh.
Not THAT hot.
Ah, the I.P.M.P.C.W.
I'm on my way to cash in their plane tickets for them. They need a little food money.
Hey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.
Why would you think I would invite him?
Ah, well, it's a business transaction. 
The first upper-body support undergarment, specifically designed for men.
Arrest?
Yeah!
Using your touch-tone keypad, please enter the first three letters of the movie title, now.
(playing along) Ohh, is that right? Well, I have been having a little trouble with my call-waiting.
Yey eye ca-catfight.
I don't want this on my conscience.
Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy.
They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool.
Yeah, going out with her Saturday night.
Well, you're pregnant.
Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I'm telling you it's her 
Ya, you have any others?
All right all right. Come on I'll take you over to Newman's
Hi,
You've selected ... Agent Zero? If that's correct, press one.
Is that from Henry the Eighth?
Three under par.
No, well, I set their alarm. But they did have a lot of sake in that hot-tub.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I got Emily coming over tonight.
Aah!
Assumed? Never assume anything. I don't want that nut in my house. You know he's on medication.
Want some mango?
Hey, Ralph.
Yeah, I'm sure it's all here. (puts in in his pocket) You know I was just admiring your coffee table, out there in the hall. 
Oh, no, no. (demonstrates) Here, velcro.
Jerry. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.
How 'bout zero?
(sitting back on the couch) Oh, can you? That's funny, because, as it happens, I don't have call-waiting. Seems to me that the phone company would know that.
You gave up the voice?
Yeah, alright...
All right, you're not fancy!
I'VE FOUND A HAIR!!! Yes ( goes up to the video machine and inserts the tape) Hey, come here, come here ,take a look at this.
Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there.
As a matter of fact, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have even had an excuse to talk to her.
You're not pregnant?
Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind? 
Suppose I told you I had fifty in mint condition, would you be interested?
She quit.
Hey, don't you worry buddy. I made double prints.
The name on the boat. Look at it.
Oh, it's a birthday card.
Ah, you've selected ... Brown-Eyed Girl? If this is correct, press one.
Well, you know, we're screening that tonight at the Alex. Do you think that I could wear that to promote the theatre?
Well if they're lucky.
Hey! Happy Festivus, everyone! (Hugs George, and jumps up and down) Hee, hee, hee!
(having lunch with Jerry and his parents) Oh, well... I handed out all the Wizards. Polls close in one hour. Whoo hoo hoo! I think we've got this baby all sewn up, huh? Oh, uh, there was an extra one. Norman Burgerman, he won't be leavin' any tips where he is.
This was a fun day. It's nice to get out.
You mind if I use it in my book? 
(shivering) I don't know.
Hey.
Well, don't you worry, your honour. He's in my custody.
Hey, what do you think they'll do to us?
(to George) Oh, by the way, tomorrow night, Paull O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.
Yeah.
Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you've selected.
Yeah. Could you hold on for a second? I've got something on the stove.
They've got everything there, Jerry. I underlined the best parts.
Whoa!!!....That was you?
I was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson
Are you sure you're not pregnant?
I like to eat spaghetti with just a fork. Because I can keep the strands long, and I can slurp it out to my mouth. Like this look. (faking to slurp spaghetti) Now sex, I like the bottom. Let them do all the work. You should be writing this stuff down... (waitress comes to take the order) Bran lakes...100%. I got a big problem.
iIs it? Or is it so possible your heard is spinning like a top? 
Cuz they're coming in from Florida as we speak.
Don't talk to me George, talk to her.
Oh, hey, Jack. How you doing?
Yeah (points towards the doctor's office), he's the Assman! Jerry, *he's* the Assman!
(an idea occurs) You don't say.
Hey, McNab!
(his mouth is very full) Kenny? ... Kenny?</font>
Naomi, come on let's get goin'.
Mushrooms, you got mushrooms Jerry?
Well, I'm doing a coffee table book on coffee tables. 
(shivering gibberish) Waj cha jia ja
Um, yeah. (glances around the apt.) Oh, uh ... well, how's everything? (clap)
And you were probably just going to stick it in an envelope.
I'll tell ya where I got it. I got it from the guy you so callously refer to as the Soup Nazi.
To find the theater nearest you, please enter your five digit zip-code, now.
You're really helping me out with this, buddy. Kids are gonna be so thrilled.
Chunnel's on HBO tonight. Why don't you stop by?
(quietly and staring across the street) Kenny .... Kenny ....... Kenny</font>
Well, that's weird.
Congratulations, Mr. Puppet Master.
Wait..( picks up the walkman) Oh my god...Oh yeah....Elaine , I can't believe that that is you.
We played Backgammon in the nude.
That's weird.
Ooh, it's a big one!
Yeah, that's good. Oh, now I like to play golf.
Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you? 
So you'll buy them?
I don't know.
Why don't you just tell me where you want to see the movie?
Well, that's good news.
(Finishing the story) I told them I was just about to see you.. It's a Festivus miracle!
I got fired from the movie.
Nah, it's good for ya'. Retards the aging process.
What's the matter? You've got a cold?
Uh huh. 
Good, ah, (clap) what's going on?
Ma!
Remember, you're a king, you must project a Royal bearing.
Well, I'm cleaning my slicer.
She's a sweet kid.
You gotta play him like me. I'm Kramer.
yeaaaaah! 
ya....Yes!....Yes! it's back I can taste again. ( to a passerby) Hey! What's the date today? 
Yeah, excuse me, uh... You didn't by any chance recently get the wrong license plates?
(Speaking very fast and fidgety) You can't put a limit on my cafe lattes, it says so right here. And I don't want to get dirty looks when I come in here. If I want a cafe latte, you give me a cafe latte. And if I have any problems I'm gonna get my lawyer Jackie Chiles down here and your gonna be in really big trouble.
Yeah.
(picks up paper) Chunnel , is playing at the Paragon 84th Street cinema in the main theater at 9:30 PM.
Yeah, that's weird.
Hey! 
Man, Ughhhh, wwwheh.... I just came from Roy's. I threw up from the gas.
Well, you know they were gonna shoot it today, and uh, we rehearsed it twice, then Woody yells 'Action!' and I turn to him and I say, 'These pretzels are making me thirsty' and I took a swig of beer, ya know, and I slammed the glass down on the bar and it shattered.
Let's go.... OK. (he snaps the towel at Naomi's backside)  GOTCHA.
It's a sweater.
Well, I'm still shopping it around. 
Really.
So, somehow the Bronzo (?) is reacting to the poison she's giving you.
That must be the man that's sleeping with your wife.
We'll order Chinese.
Oh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. That's probably what Rula was trying to warn you about.
I thought she was pregnant.
Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet my new friends, here. (Introducing each one) This is, uh, Louis, Jorge, and Umberto.
Whoa, I'm Kramer.
(shivering) Hypothermia.
(triumphant) Hey, Jerry! Guess what! The Kramer name might live on! Noreen's late! She's laaate!! (give two thumbs up)
Fifteenth , Yes last day for the Macanaws. I can still make it. Wait.. Newman... 
So...you're the Assman.
Awe there making faces at me cause I've had a couple of cafe lattes. But I'm entitled to them. I can have as many cafe lattes as I want, that was the settlement.
Well, I told him the whole story and he just let me have it. Wha -- Yeah. He's a wonderful man.
It's also playing in theater number two at 9:00.
Poor Lily..
Ohh, He's got a big sweat going. (Takes an envelope out of his pocket.) Oh, this came for you express-mail. It's from your parents.
Uh.. that's right.
Oh, it broke off, baby! Woo, hoo, hoo! 
No no, he's fine.
Well, one of the pieces must have hit Woody. He started crying. And he yells out, 'I'm bleeding' and he runs off. Anyway, this woman, she came up to me and she says, 'You're fired.' Boy I really nailed that scene.
HeYAWaaa
I don't know, Jerry gave it to me.
Huh, Okay.
What?
It's not for me. It's for Hilde -- the waitress I was telling you about. She's hungry, she wants food. If I go back in there without any food ... there's gonna be trouble. (his voice gets really high pitched on his last sentence)
I'd like to get some coffee.
Ohh, that's toxic. (Jerry throws the towel over Kramer's head.) Ououou....
Yeah.
Never said anything about the banking.
Yeah, we're heading up to Westchester - gonna hit the links.
Why don't you park in front of the hydrant?
( fake laugh ) Look Hubert. It's the mailman. You remember the mailman don't you. 
That's it. What you want one George? I can get one for you. No problem. Jerry, you want one? They're delicious. My pleasure.
Yeah. Well, a little bit misunderstood but, uh....
There's Marcelino. (Marcelino enters the ring holding a huge white rooster.)
Whew. You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the worlds energy problems, I would've said you're crazy... Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.
Well, that's a weird thing to say... 
What's this?
Mickey!
Thanks buddy. (goes over to the fridge and pulls out a few things)
(reading a tombstone) 'Man's best friend'. Jerry, I want something like that on my tombstone.
(Trying to avoid the issue) Oh, yeah, yeah, Okay, we're going. (To his three friends) Vamanos, muchachos!
What are the chances of that?
Well I feel like I'm talking fast but it's very hard to tell.
Yeah. Well, he's a dear.
Yeah, yeah...What's your read, Stan?
Well that's weird
That looks like a dog with a glove on his head.
I don't know why I let you talk me into that corned beef at Snitzer's.
Yeah, yeah. I wonder... hmm. 
Where?
They moved in together?
Hey!
Uh, yeah, ah ...
(sighs) All right, then you're the one getting the key out of him.
(shivering) You know I'm freezin. I'm definitely freezin. I can't stop shaking.
There's a few things in here, ah, peanut butter, cheese, yeah ...
Well well I've got things to do. I'll see you later. Bye.
What do you mean?
(dismissive) Yeah.
What?
Phew.
What are YOU doing here?
Jerry, I was wearing it in the bar.
Ahh, Mr Haarwood. Well, you certainly know how to dress for a premiere.
Another Festivus miracle!
Listen, I heard that Lassie #3 is buried around here. I'm gonna go check it out.
Yeah -- yeah.
(quietly) L-l (look)
Well come on George, finish the story.
Uh, Swiss.
(moody) Oh, why do I have to go? They're your friends.
Bombs away (Uh oh).
(getting up to leave) Well, the people have spoken. Well, that's it for me. I'm, I'm headin' back to New York.
Yeah.
Davola?
Oh, he ran away.
Do it, Jackie. Stan's the man.
(quietly) yeah.
Not to mention the picture of him on the toilet.
(indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking on these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.
I've had it with 'em.
Hey, where ya' going?
September third.
No, I didn't see him.
what? hey (walks by Jerry and Elaine's table) it's all set 
I need to talk to you.
He's my caddy.
Well, that didn't work. Hey, how about this...ketchup and mustard in the same bottle?
(does a double take) Yikes.
(yielding) Okay, okay. What time?
Do you want more pastrami?
Wait, wait... hold on now, wait, wait... *bang* (he slams his hand down on the table, startling Jerry, Elaine and George) *bang* (again) *yip* (another high pitched yelping sound) *yip* *yip* See? I told you.
Um, I'd like to but a bunch of us from the islands, we'll be getting together.
Erika is gonna meet me here, now we're gonna find out the truth 
Well then, what did you do next?
Gu-gu- cada-
Little Jerry's going to get his clock cleaned. I gotta get him outta there.
Yeah.
h-Yeah...
When can you park head first?
Um, Uh, ugh, ...
Oh. Jerry, those are the guys that mugged me for the armoire.
Well, I don't have this kind of cash.
Lit _ tle Jer _ ry!
(satisfied) Ahh. That was alright.
Yeah, it was olive loaf. You want that?
OH! I got to call her back.
Y'know, art's a great investment.
Mine, too. I got one more day.
I don't know, we have a certain chemistry 
What is that a Titleist?
Yeah!
I'm going upstairs.
Yeah.
I'm good for it.
Uh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I have to work a double shift at H&H.
Ya-hoo! Ya-hoo! (Rick is silent) Whew! Well, I think we stopped. 
Uh, no.
You're gonna do the circus freak show, uh?
A hole in one eh.
Yeah. That's them.
OK, OK-
Ahhh, uh, uh, uh, ohuh, aaaa ouh au au au ah ah (more pecking) ah, ah, ah, Ah.
Well, I caved. I mean, I really had to use their bathroom. Frank, no offence, but this holiday is a little (makes a series of noises) out there.
Yeah, yeah. (Getting out of the car) Well, I'll think about it.. 
Oh. Well, would you look at that. (puts a gun-shaped hand to his head and goes 'Pop') I guess I forgot to lock it.
Not really. My friend was supposed to pick me up, but I don't know where he is.
(opening the door) Alright. I'll get that money for you in five minutes. And, don't eat any more.
Awe, alright
(quietly) Um-hm.
No. No. No. No. Let's get a cop.
Well, this is one for the books, huh, Jerry?... Reeeally one for the books!
Uh, no.
Darren is going away for a long long time.
What about Sundays and holidays?
No!
Oh, tell me about it.
Oh yeah, coming up...
Ok.
Yeah, me, too.
(looks inside the car and gasps) Ohhh Sweet Maria. Hey! lets go.
These Dominicans really know their way round a crepe. Look at that. It's like they're rolling a double corona.
Devola came after me.
Hey What are you doing in my car? Hey!Hey!Hey! Where you going.
(to one of the guys) Just a cigar made outta bisquik, huh, Guillermo?
(doing the voice) La la la.
Yeah, yeah.
Run, run! Go, go, go!
Can I have a coffee. ... What, you know I was walking home and I had to pick up my helmet from the shop, you know. I gota new strap. And I had it on you know, and I was checking the strap out to make sure it fit. Then suddenly I feel this kick hit me on the side of the head. It knocks me down, I look up and it's Crazy Joe Devola. And he say's, 'That's what I thin k of your party.'
All right, What about the money?
Cool it lady ( they struggle and we here a siren)
Hi. Ahh...these are soft seats.
I saw the whole thing!
 Mint?
Excuse me.
Well, yeah, Newman's helmet, it saved my life. Look at that.
Uh, well, uh, we --
(cries) I'M NOT A PIMP.!!!.
(looks over at the three guys) The Dominicans are rolling them too tight. (regretful) Uhm, well, that's why you gotta get real Cubans.
Thank - you! (Gets his coat, and leaves)
I got bad news for you buddy. Devola says you're next.
(to George) What's with you?
Well, wha -- I, uh -- uh, we were kind of, uh, talking to each other, weren't we?
He doesn't like you.
(singing) ... It's a big, wild, funky mountain man ...
Yep.
Pass the cream.
Common Jerry, this guy is crazy. Get out.
(pointing) That's her, officer.
My Cubans!  (runs off to the burning cabin)
I didn't push you. How much did you pay that guy?
(animated) What? Sleeping with the fishes? I guess I woke up!
75,000 lira? Are you out of your mind?
(sarcastic) Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Oh, conversion rate, oh.
Nobody put a gun to your head.
I'm not going if he's going.
Hey, hey. Yeah, check it out. It's packin' tight! (Puts the snowball on the table, then drips water from Jerry's cup onto it)
Hi.
Yeah!
H-Hey. She's hungry Jerry.
Oh, I need some water. Ice it up nice and hard ... and when you throw it - Pop! Oh look, (FDR is at the cash register, pays and leaves Monk's) there's my friend, FDR. I'm gonna nail him in the back of the head. It's gonna be great! (Rushes out of Monks to peg his friend with the snowball)
What, again? You took one this morning.
No food? Well you gotta have something -- (rummages through Jerry's cupboards and refrigerator) -- I can't go back in there with no food. She's expecting something Jerry. You don't know what she's like when that blood sugar drops.
I know but I... (waves toward the interior of his apartment) Little problem.
There, you see. She's already in a bad mood. She just got fired.
(leaning to look round Kramer) Wendy here?
Oh, hey, how you doing?
No no no. She changed her hairstyle, (pulls a face) it's terrible. No, we're done.
Oh, because I called over there a couple of times and the manager didn't like it.
Uh, no. Actually, it's Kramer.
Oh yeah, yeah, great. (calling after the guy) And get some of those blue corn chips.
No. Don't, Jerry.
Hey.
Uh, you need any help, or..?
Hi.
Ah, no, no, no. I-I couldn't impose.
Ooh, I like that.
(quietly) Ohh (Eyeing Jerry's empty apartment) Really?
He begged me.
Stefanie. 2-G.
Yeah yeah. Well uh, you know, I'd invite you in, but uhm... you know.
So Klompus has the key, but the jerk couldn't open it up. All you gotta do it jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling) jus get it in there (jiggling making a bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle reiggle
Hey what again?
Paella, ya I'll be there.
No no you know we're not partners. I only get twenty-five percent.
Yap I know.
That's right
You're right he's ripping me off
He's ripping me off
YAH! (exits)
I've been thinking about something.
Ahh! I don't think the deal is fair.
No no, I found the place, I set the whole thing up, I'm doing all the leg work.
Oh, there's leg work.
Too much?!
Look I want thirty-five percent.
No way I'm taking fifteen.
Alright let's compromise. Twenty-five percent.
(from outside) Hello?
(still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle opens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle hello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves)
Ooo Paella
(giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks buddy.
Wha?
(trying to get away) woah
(laughs as Frank ends up tickling him; gets away) I bought it from Rudy.
Yaya
Oh, well, thank you.
Well Rudy's the guy buying Morty's raincoats.
Well, the whole deal going down tomorrow. Morty's gonna miss his plane for it.
Yea.
Well I suppose they are wasted.
A mouse!
Oh, you should have gone to the Costanzas' for dinner. Mmm the Paella was magnificent. Have you ever had really good Paella?
Oh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses. The want and the festival, the sites, sounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm
So how much are we gonna make?
Wha two thousand? Three thousand?
More? More than three thousand?
Hey, Frank!
I thought we had a deal?
(laughing) I'm all ticklish. (a moth flies out of his shirt; they all look at it)
