I guess there's not much action down there these days.
Yeah, tell me about it.
What keeps the water in there? I mean, why doesn't it disappear?
It's gorgeous water. (pause) Do we own Bermuda?
Lucky krauts.
Oh, that's real.
Hilarious.
To prevent an ambush.
 Hello, Jerry.  Will he take it?  I gotta go to work.
Wallet.
 I wanted to, he won't let me.
We made quite a haul.
 Don't look at me.
Well, I'm not paying the five cents for that stupid recycling thing.
Kramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?! Kramer!!?
(taking bottle) Refund?
Jerry, George. [To Kramer] So, did you ask him about the records?
I don't know, they're deranged.
Go on.
(Gesturing to dishes and silverware on the table) But you can clear some of this stuff out of the way.
Ah, yes. Forbidden love.
You know Ron's Records down on Bleeker? They pay big cash for used records!
(peering at bottle label) What is this 'MI, ten cents'?
'Pam.' I don't know the woman, but she sounds quite fetching.
He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss!
Ten cents!?
Jerry! What could she possibly see in Jerry? (Walks in front of Kramer and trips over his feet.)
I'm a United States postal worker.
Wait a minute. You mean you get five cents here, and ten cents there. You could round up bottles here and run 'em out to Michigan for the difference.
Jerry wouldn't know delicate beauty if it bludgeoned him over the head.
It's the romance of the Handsome Cab without the guilt or dander of the equine.
Sometimes...
What d'you mean it doesn't work? You get enough bottles together...
And therein lies the tragedy. For I believe, sadly for you, that there is but one woman meant for each of us. One perfect angel for whom we are put on this earth.
Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's *Publisher's Clearing House* day!!!
Yeah, but I though-
One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for throughout our dreary, workaday lives! And you, my friend, have found your angel. I can tell. For my heart has also been captured by a breathless beauty - whom I fear I will never possess.
Come on lets go. I got the helmet. Lets get the radar detector.
Well, you know how much those records are worth!?
You tried it?
Right. Kramer, you have to confront Jerry.
It's Newman.
Can't we worry about them later?
Yeah, sure.
Those records are worth more than five dollars!
You must!
I can't believe I'm being evicted.
(Pondering Kramer's plan out loud) They do have an intimate knowledge of the street..
We're making a trade. I'm giving him my motorcycle helmet - he's giving me his radar detector.
You're gyppin' us!
You will!
(Eyes glued to the TV) I guess.
The reverse peepholes. Silvio said I'm an agitator and I'm out of the building.
Well my girlfriend had one.
Sometimes we don't get what we want.
They follow him like a cult.
I'm homeless! I'm gonna be out on a street corner, dancing for nickels. I'll be with the hobos in the trainyard, eating out of a bucket.
I HAD a girlfriend and she was pretty wild.
I didn't get my transfer.
Uh, you, uh, you better put something on.
Nevertheless, ...
To Hawaii. The most sought-after postal route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don't even have to like the stamps.. But it's not to be - So, I'm hanging it up.
I don't like it.
Don't say anything.
Kind of. I'm still collecting checks, I'm just not delivering mail.
(singing) Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottles and cans. At ten cents a bottle and ten cents a can, we're pulling in five hundred dollars a man. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottles and cans. We fill up with gas, we count up our cash!!...
Alright, well be back... *jack*!
And yet, it's perfectly legal to take a man's soul and crush it out like a stale Pall Mall.
I don't understand. You fill an eighteen-wheeler?
We had a deal. Are you reneging out of the deal? Are you reneging? That's a renege.
Of course. Obviously.
I wanna learn. I want to know why.
Well you're reneging.
What kind of dog did you say it was?
All right give it to me. let go ...
I see many dogs on my mail route. I'll bet there's not one type of mutt or mongrel I haven't run across.
If you ask me, they have no business living amongst us. Vile, USELESS BEASTS . . .
Thanks buddy. So long he he ...(exits)
Anyway.
How much gas we got?
Well, ELAINE:, There's any number of things I could do. But, I can promise you this, though, this vicious beast will never bother you again. So, what's it going to be?
(smugly) That is seven dollars and twenty-two cents better.
Yeah, I suppose.
Maybe we could uh, stop for a snack.
Yeah well, the budget changed, you know. I mean, it might be a good investment.
Of course. Take your time. I be here.
Come on, are you ready? Let's go!
Is that Jerry's number?
Excellent. Excellent.
Alright, who's first?
What's the matter with you? I just talked to you fifteen minutes ago.
What're you doing?
This stuff is awful! I'm not Newman!
Name, please.
The courthouse. You gotta go with me to the courthouse. I'm contesting a ticket today.
Hello?
On what?
(Writing on a clipboard) Rusty.
You gotta go with me. I mean, you-you're my alibi. You have to take the stand.
Hey, what's up?
(To Rusty) Alright, uh, take it down to the end of the block. Make a controlled turn, and bring her back. Let's see what you've got! Ok? Ready, and go!
Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! You wouldn't even begin to comprehend what that means!!
What for?
(Yelling out to Rusty) Alright, pace yourself, 'Cause you're gonna have to do this all day for very little money.
Oh no. Don't tell me. You're gambling again, aren't you? Oh you weak, weak man. Where are you?
I'll handle this, Violet. Why don't you take your three hour break? Oh, calm down, everyone. No one's cancelling any mail.
I think he stealing our rickshaw!
The airport?
What about your bills?
I don't have that kinda dough.
The bank. What about your cards and letters?
Oh no, no, not the bag!
All right, it's true! Of course nobody needs mail. What do you think, you're so clever for figuring that out? But you don't know the half of what goes on here. So just walk away, Kramer. I beg of you.
All right, all right.
So we could put the bottles in a U-haul. You know, go lean and mean?
Yes, sir, I believe everything is all squared away. Isn't it, Mr. Kramer?
(to Kramer) That's where my missing soda is.
Hello, Jerry.
Okay, you're all set? You got your story?
You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us and I say, 'Why?' Are we really so different. For what is--
When the cop stopped me, I told him that I was rushing home because my friend was about to commit suicide.
Damn you Seinfeld. You useless pustule. Um, somebody's got something on the griddle. maybe it's Kramer.
Now, you're that firend. Now, all we need is a reason why you were going to commit suicide.
You just got it? Damn, the mail is slow.
Butter?
No! That's no reason to kill yourself!
I have done nothing unethical.
Every night I sleep in a really hot room, I don't want to kill myself.
Cancel! (jumps to feet) Think again, longshanks! I started planning this in nineteen seventy-eight. I put a deposit down on that revolving restaurant that overlooks Times Square, and I booked Christopher Cross.
No, no, no. That's not gonna work. Something else.
Jerry!
(thoughtful) What kind?
(enters) KEITH HERNANDEZ?
Hey, we can't follow him, we're going north to Michigan.
Hello, boys.
Banker! So you're killing yourself because your dreams of becoming a banker have gone unfulfilled. You-you-you-you can't live without being a banker.
That's good stuff, and you can never have too much ice. Alright, I'll tell you what I'll do. You can co-host the party with me, under one condition. No Jerry. Jerry is not invited.
You lookin' for someone?
You must be banker.
(Urgent) I need that mail, where is it?!
That he may be. But he's outta my life, starting in the year two-thousand. For me, the next millennium must be, Jerry-free!
Coy? I'm not being coy.
Okay, we'll go with the banker story.
Hey, we got ten thousand deposit bottles here. I mean, this guy could be going to Arkansas.
The guy who had the Hawaii transfer got busted for hoarding Victoria Secret catalogues. I gotta deliver that mail!
 Hello Jerry, may I come in?
Hey, don't listen to him. I mean, we can't afford a detour. Our budget won't hold it.
Blast! There's no way I can handle 8 in addition to my ususal load of one! I'll never get to Hawaii! (Moves over to Jerry's couch, depressed) I'll be stuck in this apartment building forever! (Lays down on Jerry's couch) The dream is dead.
Who?
(squeezing himself through the narrow space)  Nothing, just being neighborly.  Do you wanna hang out?  Shoot the breeze?
Kramer! Stay left. Left, left, left.
I usually do. (Gets up to leave) See ya.
I despise him.
Alright, go ahead and hit me, Seinfeld. I got witnesses.
 Jerry?  I'm a little insulted.
Blast!
(Intrigued) What are you proposing?
Why? I'll tell you why...
I hope you realise what you've done. You've destroyed our whole venture.
You might say that.
(leaving)  Oh, by the way, what are you doing for the Super Bowl?
Don't despair, my friend. (Newman walks in front of Kramer and trips over his feet. Again.) I won't allow your love to go unrequited. Not like mine.
An alliance?
(laughs - T-heheheheheheheh) El Paso!
(With a gorgeous woman sitting on his lap) Did I?
No, you can't tell it ..
George?
Five dollars. He offered us *five* dollars.
All my work, my planning, my genius. All for nought.
We gotta find that rickshaw. You check the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords.
Well, tootle loo. And nice seeing you again Margaret, goodbye Jerry. Have fun. Hehe
 Well if you watch closely enough, you just might see me.  I'll be the one waving to the camera from my seat on the forty yard line.
Sorry. But love is spice with many tastes. A dizzying array of textures...and moments.
eue-aaa.
Aww..
All right, tell it.
Help! Help!
That guy thought we were a couple of total squares.
What're you doing?
 Yes I am, a guy on my mail route just got a couple of tickets and he offered one to me.
Yes...
(Suggesting Jerry) Does yours?
June 14, 1987.... Mets Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a five run Phillies ninth. Cost the Mets the game.
HELP! (Elaine enters.)
Are you crazy?
 Tim Whatley.
Are you married right now? (points at Jerry)
A second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way front that day forward.
They're gonna beat me up!
Okay. What is it?
Hey! You're not dumping those bottles back there, are you?
 Is it?!  Ohhh, well if only you'd known, you could have saved some time and given it directly to me!  Ha ha ha.
Hey Kramer, those have wholesale value! We could cut our losses.
Your nipple's showing.
Then I turned and the spit ricochet of him and it hit me.
You wanna know what happened to Kramer? I'll tell you what happened to Kramer. He was ticked off. About the keys. Yeah, that's right - about the keys. Thought he got a bad rap.
[In Kramer's ear] The old coot's sittin' on a mountain of gold!
Anything else?
(Kissing the woman) Beauty .. and brains. (they nuzzle noses)
Well, there's very little sleeping going on.
Yeah. From you.
All right. See you later.
I told you he was a risk.
Quite frankly, I don't see how it's any of your business.
Well that's the way it happened.
You heard me. So he packed it up and split for the coast. La-La Land. L.A.
Yeah? Well, you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs!
Hey, what is that up that tree?
Nice place you got here Kramer ...</font>
No, that's a fur coat! Hey, uh, give me a boost.
I WANT MY HELMET BACK! GIVE ME BACK MY HELMET AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT TICKET.
Hello Jerry. Well, I may have a solution to our little problem. Elaine, would you excuse us?
... a man can really get some thinking done. (sits on couch, next to Kramer.)</font>
I had gone up to Westchester. I go there every Tuesday. I do charity for the blind in my spare time for the Lighthouse. I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi with an old blind man and I excused myself to call my friend as he was very depressed lately because he never became a banker.
The Pacific Northwest.
Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, 'Nice try, granny!' And I sent her to the back of the line!
I have a private matter to discuss with my fellow tenants. (Opens door) If you don't mind?
You see, it'd been his lifelong dream to be a banker and he uh, just the day before he was turned down by another bank. I believe it was the Manufacturer's Hanover on Lexington and 40th Street. That was the third bank to turn him down so I was-I was a little concerned. I wanted to see how he was doing. Well, Your Honor, he was barely audible. But I distinctly recall him say...
I don't know. The man makes a pretty strong bird.</font>
Hello, Jerry. Say, this yogurt is really something, huh? And it's non-fat! I've been waiting for something like this my whole life! And it's finally here!
Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! (Pushes Elaine out the door and closes it) All right, now here's the lowdown. From a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia, and from what I hear the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.
So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.
(eating) hm.</font>
Excuse me Miss Weaver, OH! My god it is you! I.. I've seen your show six times..
I'm leavin'. Jerry's a nut. (Exits)
Kramer.
Nevertheless, sometime this afternoon, behind the Market Diner, an unmarked van will be waiting. I'm expecting the call at any time. Are you in?
No sir. He did not. But only by thge grace of God. He's in the courtroom today
You certainly are in a bind.
Damn!
Yea, it's the wood that makes it good.</font>
Aahh! You're great,It's great, It's so great to see a show that's (looks at Jerry) about something.
Okay, here it is.
Jerry?
Oh, Mother's Day. (inspiration strikes) Wait a second. Mother's Day?!
With your looks and my words, we'll have built the perfect beast. (Kramer claps him on the shoulder, then goes to the other side of the aisle to talk to Pam.)
Oh well. Let me perfectly blunt. I don't care for you Costanza. You hang out at the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day and just it up wasting your lives.
(triumphant) Yessss!
Uh-Huh.</font>
Ahaha!
Hi. How are you?
Hey, another round of strawberry for me and my friends.
So what? Do you know whose mailbag that is?
All right, all right. I'll help you but I will except something in return.
Come on Kramer!
I went through all those bottles and all those cans, for what? What a waste. And I'm really gonna catch hell for those missing mailbags.
Son of Sam. The worst mass murderer the post office ever produced.
Well for starters I want a calzone of my own.....
It's the truck, Kramer. The truck!
I too am well.
Hey, hey...
(perks up) A pie stand? Where?
I took over his route. And boy, were there a lot of dogs on that route.
And a slice of pepperoni pizza and a large soda and three times a week I will require a canolie.
No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most days, the post office sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting facility in Sagenaw, Michigan.
Do I smell Pantene?
Hello Jerry. (to Kramer) So, any news?
Aww, c'mon, pull over, pull over will ya.
Once I find a barber I stick with him. I almost went to barber school. I always felt I had a talent for it. 
Just to tell me to keep off the snacks!
You know I hear Mr. Steinbrenner can be a bit erratic. I would hate to see him when he's hungry.
But, on the week before holidays, we see a surge. On alentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed to the brim. And tomorrow, if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth truck.
Where? I..I..I don't see it.
Pantene!
South America?! (to Jerry) What kind of snow blower you get us mixed up with?
June 14th, 1987. Mets Phillies. You made a big error. Cost the Mets the game. Then you're coming up the parking lot ramp.
Yeah, just the way that I was raised. I'm special. 
Do we have a deal?
The mother of all mail days. And guess who signed up for the truck.
I don't see any pie...
...Aargh!
(To his new girlfriend) You see, my dear, all certified mail is registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified.
I know exactly how he feels. Pleasure doing business with you. Do come again. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
(excited) We carry a coupla bags of mail, and the rest is ours!
Kramer!!
...it takes just as much man-power to deliver it as their precious little greeting cards...
Lately, though, I've been, uh, - I've been buying the generic brand of waxed beans. You know, I rip of the label... I can hardly tell the difference.
And then you spit on us.
If we put our three heads together we should come up with something.
It's okay. A little crooked. 
Who is it.
(triumph) Let the collecting begin!
(after speeding truck) Kramer!!
How much longer you gonna be, I'm starving here.
We got no one!
Oh, yeah, right.
It's Thursday.
What's the catch? 
You've come at a bad time now. Could you come back later?
I hope you know what you're doing... (Kramer gives Newman a look of lack of confidence)
Federal employee. Federal employee.
That smell. It's still with you, huh?
What about a guest-host?
Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel....
Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a year's free haircuts. And a comb. 
Hellooo Jerry. What a rare treat. What brings you down to the east wing?
(a touch desperate) Ah, look, I..I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists.
Shell.
Here.
Wow, it was McDowell.
(Stands up and Sputtering loudly) Kramer! I'm with people.
There's no need to get excited. Can't we discuss this like gentlemen?
Oh, thank you, sir.
Hey, you know this is kind of fun.
All right, give me the rope.
I'll meet you at the coffee shop.
I did invite you. Your invitation must've gotten ... lost in the mail.
He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head.
Do you really want to know what happened? I'll tell you what Happened. She wasn't my type.
It was McDowell.
Look, I don't have time to explain every little thing to you.
Can't do it. I'm on an unbelievable birthday-wish hot streak! My last five birthday wishes came true.
Twenty bucks?!? Are you out of your mind?
Not really.
Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier. I uh.
Yeah, me too.
I knew you'd back out.
(Negotiating) Your next, fifty wishes.
I can't eat fruit. It makes me incontinent.
Take it or leave it!? We got *Al Jolson* here, *Al Jolson*!!
Ah, she just didn't do it for me.
So, to what do I owe this unusual invitation?
Fourty-nine.
Hello Gina. Hello Jerry.
Hey, hey maybe I should go with him?
Well, h ha ha- if you're happy with her, that's all that matters.
Ahh! This is very much as I imagined it to be. Aside from this rattan piece, which seems oddly out of place.
You are nothing but a piece of crap.
All right. I'm going in. Keep the motor running.
Who made you the leader?
No. I need a really pretty face. But, Hey, that's me.
Alright, alright, back, savages. Back! I haven't made my wish yet..
This isn't about my opening your mail?
Me too.
A piece of crap.
Alright.
Care for some lemonade?
Hello, Jerry. How's Pam?
Because I don't, never have, anything I read was already open.
(From outside the room) Kramer? Kramer? (Enters Jerry's bedroom) There you are.
I find you extremely ugly.
Drop bye anytime, jerry. Hah, ha ha
Well, ta-ta! (Scampers away.)
Sorry. Climbers, keepers.
I just heard that a postman spotted a rickshaw down in Battery Park.
I shoulda gone in with him.
Kramer bit me!
You are?
You emit a foul and unpleasant odour.
Hello. What 's this?
Easy, Jerry. Steady. You wouldn't want to lose your cool at a time like this.
It's entirely possible.
What you need me in the car for?
We had an arguement about me going to Hawaii, and he locked onto my ankle like it was a soup bone. I'm hubbled! I don't think I can do my route - and they're awarding the transfer in two days!
Well, it's-it's interesting work, I don't mind it.
Hey, hey, hey. (to Jerry) I hear you've got some lip reader working for you. You gotta let me use her for one day. Just one day. 
It's Newman. 
Work? It's raining.
Because right now, I'm the only chance you've got. (Newman giggles nervously. Jerry makes Newman flinch, and his giggling is choked off.)
I *loathe* you.
You?! (Laughs hysterically) You can't deliver mail!
Don't you have a-a boyfriend? A, uh, burly, athletic type?
(To Jerry) Good night.
But Jerry, we've got this new supervisor down at the post office. He's working behind this glass. I know they're talking about me. They're going to transfer me, I know it. Two hours, give me two hours. 
I called in sick. I don't work in the rain.
Hello jerry. What a pleasant surprise. 
I know how you feel. For I, too, have a woman for whom I pine.
(Thinks for a moment) I guess you're right. It's just walking around putting it into boxes..
Cool?
There it is!
Make us!
(Sinister) All right, all right. All right you go ahead. You go ahead and keep it secret. But you remember this. When you control the mail, you control... information. 
(dancing) Can I use your bathroom? 
I was never that big on creeds.
(mouth full) It's delicious mutton. This is uh, this is outta sight. I would, I would love to get the recipe. It's very good.
Fleas? Bwa ha ha ha ha .That's preposterous. How can I , give you fleas. Now if you don't mind... 
Right.
It's getting cold, it's getting cold.</font>
I could give you my uniform from my rookie year.
Oh, how I've waited for this moment. But alas, my heart belongs to another man's wife, and I have given the coat to her.
My toilet's clogged. 
I believe the deal was that I get the calzones on my mail route. Well today I won't be going on my mail route! Will I. Perhaps tomorrow.
No, no. I love strong cider. (for the farmer's daughter's benefit) I'm a big, strong, cider guy.
So , you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state of disrepair. Maybe you live in squalor.
Oh, don't you? Joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused nightclub rabble that lap up your inane 'observations'?
Well why do we have to keep this from Jerry?</font>
For I am in love with Svetlana, and I don't care if the whole world knows, except for Silvio, who would throw me out of the apartment, where I would be dancing on the sidewalk--
Uh..
No. 
Yes thank you. (slams door)
(reluctant) You know, I don't really know that much about uh.. I don't have any.. I don't.. I don't think I know much about that.
(Cannot take this torture anymore) Baaaaaaaaarrhhhhhhhhhhh....I'm ripped with fleas ( scratches furiously) 
Well, there is a little something you can do for me...
You know, when you think about it, it's kind of silly for us both to pull this thing all t he way back uptown. I mean, after all, it is a conveyance.
He's out. 
I use dental tape.
It's about...Elaine.
So, which one of us is gonna pull?
Yes, yes. May I go? Cause I gotta go very badly. 
You know, those mail bags, they get mighty heavy. I uh, I Nautilus, of course. (puffs out his chest)
'Do not bend'. (Laughs evilly) Just crease, crumple, cram.. you'll do fine. (Phone rings. Newman answers it) Hello?.. This is he. I don't understand.. very well. (Hangs up in disappointment)
Kramer, what the hell are you doing?
He can't hear you, you idiot. Why don't you just buy another one.
I don't wanna.
(fleeing to the bedroom)  Damn!
(breaking from his pose) Can I have some gravy?
You dated her. Give me some inside information. Anything I can use!
(Realizing he won) Yeah.
(thinking to himself; checks a comb) No. (checks a brush) Jackpot. I don't believe this. There's no hair in this thing. I've never seen a person that didn't have at least one hair in a brush. 
Hello Jerry. 
That was the Vice President of the post office. I didn't get the transfer.. They knew it wasn't me doing my route!
Not that!
I have a carpet sweeper you can use.
No.
Yeah, yeah. 
Kramer you might as well run along. Jerry might be a while. Suspicion of mail fraud. 
(Stands up) Too many people go their mail! Close to 80%. No body from the post office has ever cracked the 50% barrier! It's like the 3-minute mile!
You're in trouble, Kramer. I shouldn't even be talking to you, but I'm telling you as a friend. Here's how it's going to happen: you may be walking. Maybe on a crisp, autumn day just like today. When a mail truck will slow beside you, and a door will open, and a mailman you know, maybe even trust, will offer to give you a lift.
It gets my rug clean.
Why, because I use dental tape?
What are you doing? 
Let's go. Let's go. Move!
Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform. (Newman takes off Jerry's mailman hat. Jerry turns his head in shame. Newman then tears the post office badge from Jerry's coat)
No! And no one will ever see you again!
Well, you should take a look at my rug then.
Hey Jerry. Look at all the towels they gave me! I really hit the jackpot! (holding a large stack of towels, Newman pats his face with the top one) Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, can I watch a little? Cuz it's my favorite movie. 
What do you think? Drive. Drive.
(Realizing) Damn!
Yes. No, wait! OK, yes.
(seeing postal security officials walking towards Kramer) Quick! Get in!
Hello Jerry.
Yep.
Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing parcels into mailboxes where they don't belong!!...
No. No.
There's another way it can go down, and it's going down right now!
Yeah, but he's a fighter.
...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision, no matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word?
(screaming in panic) Aaah!! Aaah!
I hope he stays this happy when he wakes up.
It was a real melee.
Gotta go. Oh gee, I dropped a nickel (reaches down and picks up the hair.) 
Butter. Kramer. Butter. Kramer.
I know you know, but you don't know what I know.
Look, you said the one in the second courtyard. He was in the second courtyard.
(pushing past Kramer) Kramer, help me! Help me!
No reason.
It was a cinch. Where are you going? 
Alright, let's begin.
(excited) Ooh, my cocoa!
I'll bring him up to date.
All right. Bark.
Number 67, right here, right here!</font>
Oh, all the way up.
No, no I don't like it.
Bark.
Hello Jerry.</font>
Well, it would take a hell of a lot. Because a friend is something you earn.
One large jambalaya, please.
I like the thick tape.
Hee hee! Yeah yeah!
I don't care much for the beach. I freckle. . . . Is that a,..
All right. Then let me ask you this. Didn't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo. Huh. I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping. 
I love.. broccoli, it&rsquo;s, good for you.</font>
Thank you. [inhaling deeply] Jambalaya!
Wow, where did you get that?
Frequently. 
Gladly. (starts munching on the broccoli, then spits it out)</font>
Vile weed!</font>
Mind your pace, Boy. Chop, chop!
Boy, that's the full size.
It's pretty hot under these lights huh Seinfeld. Pretty....... Hot .
(interrogating Kramer) Mister Kramer, you heard the testimony so far. Would you please tell the court in your own words what happened on the afternoon of September 10th?
Hi Babs
Kramer! 
Yes, Yes, now please. Someone, honey mustard.</font>
Well, don't tarry. I'm behind schedule as it is.
Can I have a bite?
???????
Can I have a sip? 
You know what I mean.
Minding my own business.
I'm on the roof! 
(Scared) Boy.. Boy. Kramer!
Just one bite?
We're practically to Monticello.
Not going to play ball. Huh all right. Admit it that stereo was all ready busted. 
And why was that?
What makes you think I'm lookin' for trouble?
Ahhh! Yaaaahhh!
All right! All right. I won't say anything.
Is this or is this not your signature? 
All right, all right. Go ahead, go ahead.
ha ha ha Well you know sometimes it just has a way of finding you. Cigarette?
Waaaaahhhh!
I swear.
I can't. I'm goin' to a movie. 
Uncle Leo? This case is closed pending further evidence. Jerry. 
Okay.
(surprised) Kramer.
On my mother's life.
And that failure to become a banker was eating at you. Eating-eating-eating at you inside.
Oooh,
(defensive) What're you talking about...
Hello Elaine. Where are they?
It was your family that pushed you into banking , it was their dream for you...
Olly, olly, oxen, free!
 Yeah.  I just hope Tim Whatley's electric bills don't suddenly get lost in the mail, or it could be lights out for him.
All right, so it's me. So what?
All right, I'm going to need a clean 8 ounce glass.
Go girl!
Your Honor, I'm only trying to establish Mister Kramer's fragile emotional state, my entire case depends on it.
I can't sleep, I tell you! I can't sleep!
Mouth-to-mouth?
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
If I'm curt, then I appologize. But as I understand it, we have a situation here and time is of the essence.
As you were saying, Mister Kramer...
(salivating) Turkey?
I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone.
Huh.
You're telling how your parents pushed you into banking.
I'm sorry I missed that.
(sobbing) Yes, it's been awful. I wanted to tell somebody. (pleading) Help me Kramer! Help me!
You go.
Hello Jerry. (to Kramer) What did you say to Elaine? I just got her cancellation in the mail.
But you never became a banker, did you Mister Kramer? Why? Why did you fail?
What for, you got your own. 
Yeah, but you pulled him in.
Well, it's her mistake. Because she is going to miss the party of a lifetime.
It was because you hated your father and you would do anything to displease him. Isn't THAT true?
( resumes eating) Well that's a shame. 
Here. Hold this.
 What are you doing?
Nah.
Alright. Come back to my party, please.
Yuh, yes. I intend to Your Honor. And then, on the afternoon of September 10th, you received a phone call did you not?
You can't taste 'em . Why waste 'em . Why not give them all to me. 
Jerry, you better stop her or I'll tell.
Yeah. Maybe.
Like Silkwood.
(reluctant) You don't wanna do your... act, or anything, do you?
Yes, a phone call!
(sings) You're once. Twice. Three times a lady.
That's right.
What the hell was that?
Alright then, I guess I can accept a little Jerry, if it gets me a (suggestive) lot of Elaine.
From me!
(on the phone in his apartment with a Bald head) Not for a while.
Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm?
He did it right in this bed, Martin. Right in front of you.
And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer. Not for any man...
I'm doing it for you.
(sings) Yes, you're once. Twice. Three times...
To the Newmanniun! (holds out his hand)
Yes, from me!! I called you remember?
...But I have made a decision. (revelatory) We will cut the bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.
Aaah! Aaagh! Aah-aah. Oh, oh the humanity! Aaagh!
It was disgusting.
Yes, I called you, you idiot! Because you were going to... You were going to... Remember?
 Are you sure you know where the impound yard is?
We'll pay anything. We've got the (hands a wad of money to Kramer) What about Jerry?
(smug) As a matter of fact, I did.
You were going to...
 I can't think, there's all this noise.
Hello Jerry.
Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!
Yes, the banker!!!
 I'm not beaten yet.  I still have armies in the Ukraine.
Reversed?! (Kramer comes hobbling out of the doctors office in pain, after having a vasectomy of his own, and exits. Jerry and Newman look at each other, and bolt for the door themselves.)
Aaaaahhh...!!!
(whimpering) Tell the world my story.
A banker! A banker! Your Honor, Your Honor, Your Honor...
Will that take care of ours too?
Your Honor, Mister Kramer's obviously very distraught.
Hey, you want me to mail it? I'm on my way out anyway.
(to Kramer) You shut up! (to judge) I demand a recess so I can take him outside and help him regain hius composure.
Gentlemen, gentlemen. I am so happy to see you both. There is just some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out. 
It'll be my pleasure.
(Strangling Kramer) What's the matter with you? We had it all worked out!
See'ya later.
Clean? Hardly. This looks like a man that isn't happy with his stereo performance. 
(sobbing) I can't afford that!
What took you so long?
It looks like your breaking into it like an otter breaking into a clad. 
Ah, don't worry about a thing. In twenty minutes that place'll be swarming with mailmen. We'll be back on the street by lunch.
Yes. It's called mail fraud. Oohhhh. How I've longed for this moment Seinfeld. The day when I would have the proof I needed to hall you out of your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the monster that you are. A monster so vile..... 
There will be a small fine. 
We din, we didn't ... ... Cosmo?
Not so fast pretty boy. There is more to this sorted little affair. 
 Hello, Jerry.  Tim couldn't make it, he's in love.  Isn't that wonderful?
Sorry , last one . Would you want to suck the pit? 
This photo clearly indicates your involvement in some ill-conceived mail order pornography ring.As does this one found in the same disturbing packet. 
You're off your rocker.
We have some questions we'd like you to answer. 
Crazy Joe Davola?
After you.
Never.
 Great streak of luck I'm having.  First, Kramer almost beat me at Risk but I narrowly escaped, and then Tim Whatley gives me his Super Bowl ticket.
Who's talking to you?
(from the corner of the Yogurt shop) Hey, Jerry. Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy.
 And then, just as I'm about to go, these boxes show up at the post office with no labels.  No labels, Jerry.  You know what that means?  Freebies!! I got this great mini-TV and a VCR, oh it's unbelievable.
Pilot? So what do you make for something like that? Fifty? Sixty thousand?
I don't care. It was good. I was enjoying it. Had to interfere. Couldn't leave well enough alone. Well, I will get even with you for this. You can count on it.
Well, I suppose if you got ten car lengths.
Gangway!
Yeah.
Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course, I had to make some minor modifications, you know. Solid tires, reinforced seatpost, heavy duty shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.
Deh!
I can't eat this.
Hey!! Help me!
Hey! What are you doing? It's after six o'clock! You can't give me a ticket! Hey, you're not gonna get away with this. I'll fight this. I got witnesses.
Pair of bear claws, please.
Hey George, nice hat.
Can I try it on?
Well sure it would.
Come on, let me try it on.
Stop it, George, stop it. I was defending your parking.
Me either.
But it's your house.
[panting] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Something's happened with the Soup Nazi!
Elaine's down there causing all kinds of commotion. Somehow she got a hold of his recipes and she says she's gonna drive him out of business! The Soup Nazi said that now that his recipes are out, he's not gonna make anymore soup! He's moving out of the country, moving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry! No more for of us!
He's giving away what's left! I gotta go home and get a big pot!
Hello Mrs. Seinfeld
Uh ah (stops her from closing the door; walks in) Having a nice trip? (walks over, grabs a junior mint, smells it then puts it in his pocket)
Oh the theater. Because I was wondering.
Why I didn't see you at Schindler's List with Jerry.
Oh, well it's a good thing for Jerry that you didn't go.
Well he really seemed to have his hands full if you know what I mean.
Him and his little buxom friend Rachel were going at it pretty good in the balcony.
What, do I have to spell it out for ya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers into Poland.
Yes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot recall. Anyway I just really came up to get some detergent.
(laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice seeing you folks and a by the way you didn't hear this from me. Tata (runs down the hallway laughing)
(at the counter) Pair of bear claws please.
(moving away from the counter getting closer to the door) Hello Jerry.
Ohh, were you there?
(looking scared) I-it's a it's a...powerful film.
(couple quick breaths) Shocking.
(running out the door) Jerry! Jerry!
